WEBVTT - He/She/They with Schuyler Bailar 0:00:01.160 --> 0:00:03.680 Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello. 0:00:03.520 --> 0:00:04.440 Oh hello Chelsea. 0:00:04.600 --> 0:00:06.760 Thanksgiving. I was gonna say Thanksgivings over, but I meant 0:00:06.760 --> 0:00:08.600 to say Halloween is over. Thank God. 0:00:09.520 --> 0:00:11.680 You are not a person who dresses up right now. 0:00:11.920 --> 0:00:15.240 Hello Please. My roommate that I'm living with right now 0:00:15.400 --> 0:00:18.400 said to me, he said, I just want to live 0:00:18.400 --> 0:00:20.000 in a neighborhood where there's not going to be any 0:00:20.000 --> 0:00:23.960 trick or treating. And I was like, oh my god, 0:00:24.120 --> 0:00:28.320 that's exactly how I feel. I am such a Halloween scrooge. 0:00:28.640 --> 0:00:34.000 There's nothing more insulting to me than adult Halloween parties. See. 0:00:34.040 --> 0:00:36.239 I love going to my friend's houses in Burbank. 0:00:36.560 --> 0:00:39.199 Bourbank goes crazy because it's all the people who work 0:00:39.240 --> 0:00:42.320 for Disney, so they've got these crazy yard displays and 0:00:42.400 --> 0:00:44.520 like give out tons of candy. I love giving out candy. 0:00:44.640 --> 0:00:45.560 I think it's so fun. 0:00:46.280 --> 0:00:49.040 That sounds right, Catherine, I can see you enjoying that. 0:00:49.479 --> 0:00:51.920 But Chelsea's speaking of fun things. I have an update 0:00:52.000 --> 0:00:53.800 for us that's actually really exciting. 0:00:54.160 --> 0:00:57.160 O good. I like updates so positive. Well, we don't 0:00:57.160 --> 0:00:59.200 get a lot of negative ones. I guess obviously, why 0:00:59.240 --> 0:01:01.600 would they call them? Be like, you ruined my life. 0:01:02.560 --> 0:01:06.160 Chelsea, This update is from d And she called in 0:01:06.840 --> 0:01:10.480 a while back and she was really stressed about her neck. 0:01:11.000 --> 0:01:13.000 Oh while back while. 0:01:13.720 --> 0:01:17.039 That was me emphasizing, so you understand to say long while. 0:01:17.720 --> 0:01:20.920 But she was dating her boyfriend for like seven years. 0:01:20.959 --> 0:01:24.200 He hadn't proposed, and she was like super duper stressing 0:01:24.240 --> 0:01:24.720 about it. 0:01:25.000 --> 0:01:25.959 He'd kind of given her. 0:01:25.920 --> 0:01:29.480 A timeline sort of, but she says, Dear Chelsea, I 0:01:29.520 --> 0:01:33.160 wrote in seventeen months ago expressing agony waiting for my 0:01:33.200 --> 0:01:34.320 boyfriend to propose. 0:01:34.680 --> 0:01:37.400 Well, you were right. Just one month. 0:01:37.240 --> 0:01:40.400 Later he did propose on a sweet trip to beautiful 0:01:40.520 --> 0:01:44.040 up North Michigan. Flashed forward to our wedding this summer, 0:01:44.080 --> 0:01:47.840 which was stunning beyond words. It was a musical backyard 0:01:47.840 --> 0:01:50.320 wedding where the love of our closest friends and families 0:01:50.320 --> 0:01:53.640 surrounded and lifted us. It's silly I was ever impatient, 0:01:53.760 --> 0:01:56.360 because the day was perfect and came at the exact 0:01:56.440 --> 0:02:00.240 right time. Your advice was to have the hard conversation. 0:02:00.720 --> 0:02:03.400 Since then, we've had a few. We learned more about 0:02:03.400 --> 0:02:06.920 communication and each other, and now when I'm feeling anxious 0:02:06.960 --> 0:02:10.040 before a serious talk, I remind myself that it's worth 0:02:10.080 --> 0:02:13.680 sharing instead of dwelling all alone in my head. Attach 0:02:13.760 --> 0:02:16.120 to our a couple moments from our day. We're a 0:02:16.160 --> 0:02:18.639 family of musicians. But that was my first time performing 0:02:18.639 --> 0:02:21.520 and it was all at once terrifying and so so fun. 0:02:22.200 --> 0:02:25.400 Thank you for taking my call. Another unforgettable experience. I 0:02:25.480 --> 0:02:27.800 look forward to Dear Chelsea every week and will forever 0:02:27.840 --> 0:02:31.840 admire and aspire to me more like her. Strong, voracious, intuitive, 0:02:31.919 --> 0:02:35.000 and funny. Cheers to you and hashtag problem solved. 0:02:35.639 --> 0:02:38.440 And here is a cute picture of her on her 0:02:38.480 --> 0:02:39.160 wedding day. 0:02:40.040 --> 0:02:44.280 Oh that are cute. Look at that. Oh that's cute. 0:02:44.800 --> 0:02:46.040 I'm happy for them. 0:02:46.400 --> 0:02:48.280 I know, I just thought those so lovely. 0:02:48.800 --> 0:02:54.079 Yeah, so thanks for letting us know, d and congratulations. 0:02:54.560 --> 0:02:59.000 Everyone needs to not rush everything. No, rushing don't make 0:02:59.040 --> 0:03:00.560 things happen. Them happen. 0:03:01.280 --> 0:03:04.520 Yes, and having good heart conversations I think is a 0:03:04.520 --> 0:03:06.560 great lesson As you go into your marriage as well, 0:03:06.600 --> 0:03:08.919 there will be lots of hard conversations, and I think 0:03:08.919 --> 0:03:11.480 it is worth having them the right way. 0:03:11.720 --> 0:03:11.919 Yeah. 0:03:11.919 --> 0:03:13.440 Who knows what I said to her about that, but 0:03:13.560 --> 0:03:14.679 it sounds like it worked. 0:03:14.480 --> 0:03:19.080 Out some great wisdom. I'm sure great. Well, so, Chelsea, 0:03:19.160 --> 0:03:21.000 we have an awesome guest today. 0:03:21.120 --> 0:03:23.080 So welcome to the podcast, Skyler Baylor. 0:03:23.600 --> 0:03:24.680 Thank you for having me here. 0:03:26.000 --> 0:03:29.000 Yes, yes, Chelsea Handlers, Skyler Baylor, here we are together. 0:03:29.600 --> 0:03:31.920 The book is called A He She They How we 0:03:31.919 --> 0:03:34.079 talk about gender and why it matters. And I found 0:03:34.120 --> 0:03:36.160 it so informative because you really break down a lot 0:03:36.200 --> 0:03:38.960 of things that I think people who aren't open to 0:03:39.040 --> 0:03:42.160 transness or have experienced transness in their lives, or anyone 0:03:42.200 --> 0:03:45.320 who's gone through this, there's so many different angles. It's 0:03:45.480 --> 0:03:49.320 such a spectrum of a different experience for everybody. Now, 0:03:49.560 --> 0:03:51.440 are you transitioned how many years ago? 0:03:52.160 --> 0:03:52.440 Eight? 0:03:52.800 --> 0:03:56.040 Eight years ago? And you're an athlete and you was 0:03:56.080 --> 0:03:58.880 swimming on your college team. Yes. I think first what 0:03:58.960 --> 0:04:00.800 I want to talk about is is because there's a 0:04:00.800 --> 0:04:03.520 lot to dive into on that front. But I want 0:04:03.560 --> 0:04:06.240 to talk about how you know there's something in your 0:04:06.280 --> 0:04:09.559 book the simplest way for you to explain that transness 0:04:09.640 --> 0:04:13.600 is not the sum of someone's external parts. How married 0:04:13.640 --> 0:04:15.720 we are to the idea that if you have a vagina, 0:04:15.800 --> 0:04:20.080 you're a girl and there's nothing in between. Yeah, can 0:04:20.120 --> 0:04:21.520 you start to that? 0:04:21.720 --> 0:04:24.720 Yeah? Well, I mean I think the there's a fundamental 0:04:24.760 --> 0:04:26.720 lie we've all been told, which is that how our 0:04:26.760 --> 0:04:30.160 bodies look at birth is equal to our gendered experience 0:04:30.160 --> 0:04:33.800 in the world and our gender identities, and even our biology. 0:04:33.839 --> 0:04:36.159 Isn't that simple, right, We're told that biology is either 0:04:36.360 --> 0:04:38.920 penis or vagina, either xx or x y. But there's 0:04:38.920 --> 0:04:42.719 so much complexity even within biological sex. There's chromosomal diversity, 0:04:42.760 --> 0:04:45.840 hormone diversity, and other types of genitalia diversity. So even 0:04:45.880 --> 0:04:48.760 if we look at the quote basic biology, even that 0:04:48.920 --> 0:04:52.120 is diverse. And so people have this again fundamental belief 0:04:52.279 --> 0:04:54.360 that is from a lie. It's told to us when 0:04:54.360 --> 0:04:56.600 we're kids that this is only two categories, and the 0:04:56.640 --> 0:04:59.200 realities it's far more complicated than that, has pretty much 0:04:59.240 --> 0:04:59.840 everything else in. 0:04:59.760 --> 0:05:02.920 Our life well exactly. And it's interesting that this conversation 0:05:03.040 --> 0:05:07.280 is so prevalent now. So please enlighten my audience and 0:05:07.360 --> 0:05:10.840 tell us about your experience. And let's start with the sports. 0:05:10.920 --> 0:05:14.520 Let's start with you and competing on a male team 0:05:14.640 --> 0:05:16.520 from being a female. So this is kind of the 0:05:16.520 --> 0:05:18.960 opposite of the arguments we're facing right now, or we 0:05:19.040 --> 0:05:21.120 hear a lot of I shouldn't say we're facing, but 0:05:21.680 --> 0:05:24.200 we are as a society that a lot of people 0:05:24.279 --> 0:05:28.760 have a big problem with men transitioning into transitioning to 0:05:28.880 --> 0:05:33.400 females and then competing in sports, and you did the opposite, right, Yeah, 0:05:33.440 --> 0:05:34.800 and how did that work out for you? 0:05:35.000 --> 0:05:35.279 Yeah? 0:05:35.360 --> 0:05:37.120 Well, I want to go back just a little bit 0:05:37.160 --> 0:05:39.600 a couple of language notes. So what I always recommend 0:05:39.640 --> 0:05:41.919 people say is what somebody's assigned at birth? Right, So 0:05:41.920 --> 0:05:44.000 I was assigned female birth and I am a man 0:05:44.120 --> 0:05:46.479 people that you're talking about. You said men transitioning to female. 0:05:46.520 --> 0:05:49.280 We would say people assigned male at birth who identify 0:05:49.279 --> 0:05:51.880 as women, or just calling them trans women transfeminine folks. 0:05:52.040 --> 0:05:55.120 As just a little language shift, right, And I talk 0:05:55.120 --> 0:05:57.560 about why in the books if people can check that out. So, yes, 0:05:57.600 --> 0:06:00.480 people much more focus on transwomen transformin folks. People have 0:06:00.520 --> 0:06:03.200 this belief that there's something unfair about that. The sort 0:06:03.240 --> 0:06:05.960 of translation to my situation is that people then think 0:06:06.000 --> 0:06:09.440 that I wouldn't possibly be able to compete against CIS men, right, 0:06:09.520 --> 0:06:12.080 that somebody like me, a transgender man, wouldn't be able 0:06:12.120 --> 0:06:14.280 to compete against assis men because they expect that I 0:06:14.320 --> 0:06:16.520 would just lose. And it turns out that I ended 0:06:16.560 --> 0:06:18.760 up doing Okay, I didn't lose to everybody. I actually 0:06:18.839 --> 0:06:20.800 was in the fifth and eighty seven percent house, So 0:06:20.800 --> 0:06:22.880 it's faster than eighty five and eighty seven percent of 0:06:23.080 --> 0:06:25.400 all men in the NCAA at my events. So I 0:06:25.440 --> 0:06:28.320 didn't win everything right, but I also didn't suck, And 0:06:28.320 --> 0:06:30.520 I think it's an important note. And there's other transmen 0:06:30.640 --> 0:06:33.760 like me who've also not only lost right, who've also 0:06:33.800 --> 0:06:36.160 done okay. We've got some trans athletes out there who 0:06:36.200 --> 0:06:38.760 are transmen, who actually have beat almost all men in 0:06:39.120 --> 0:06:41.520 their categories in their sports. So I think that sort 0:06:41.520 --> 0:06:45.039 of ruptures this idea that everybody assigned male at birth, 0:06:45.120 --> 0:06:47.200 such as CIS men and such as trans women, is 0:06:47.240 --> 0:06:50.359 automatically better than anybody assigned female birth, such as me 0:06:50.400 --> 0:06:52.479 as a transman or a SIS woman. 0:06:53.800 --> 0:06:56.560 And so was there any pushback at your school when 0:06:56.560 --> 0:06:58.560 that was publicly known that you were going to be 0:06:58.640 --> 0:07:01.400 competing on the team as a transgender man. 0:07:01.880 --> 0:07:05.200 On my team specifically, I experienced actually quite an overwhelm 0:07:05.279 --> 0:07:07.360 of support. So I went to Harvard and my coaches 0:07:07.400 --> 0:07:09.960 were very supportive. They actually were the ones that came 0:07:10.040 --> 0:07:11.400 up with the idea in the first place. They said, 0:07:11.400 --> 0:07:13.080 if you identify as a man, why don't you swim 0:07:13.080 --> 0:07:15.000 for the men's team because I have been recruited to 0:07:15.000 --> 0:07:17.240 swim for the women's team, and they were just trying 0:07:17.240 --> 0:07:18.960 to find what would make me happiest. They said, you 0:07:18.960 --> 0:07:21.160 know what, you want, you to be happy, and we 0:07:21.240 --> 0:07:23.320 want to do whatever it takes to create the space 0:07:23.360 --> 0:07:25.200 for you to be happy, just like any other athlete. 0:07:25.320 --> 0:07:27.920 I think when we talk about sports, there's a hyper 0:07:27.960 --> 0:07:31.960 focus on trans people trying to transition for a purpose, right, 0:07:32.200 --> 0:07:36.480 transition to win, transition to get access to the bathrooms, 0:07:36.520 --> 0:07:40.200 get transition whatever, to hurt children. There's a very demonized 0:07:40.320 --> 0:07:42.440 view of trans people, and the reality is we don't 0:07:42.440 --> 0:07:46.000 transition to play sports. We transitioned because we're trans and 0:07:46.040 --> 0:07:48.880 we want to live right, and we happen to be athletes. 0:07:48.880 --> 0:07:51.080 And I think my coaches and my teammates actually saw 0:07:51.120 --> 0:07:53.920 that in some really actually impressive ways where they put 0:07:53.920 --> 0:07:54.920 my humanity first. 0:07:56.000 --> 0:07:57.800 And how old were you when you transitioned? 0:07:58.000 --> 0:08:00.800 I realized I was trans right after my teenth birthday, 0:08:00.840 --> 0:08:03.920 a couple months after, and then I began to shift 0:08:03.960 --> 0:08:07.520 how I was presenting in the world somewhere around eighteen nineteen. 0:08:07.560 --> 0:08:09.840 In that space, and when you realize this, what does 0:08:09.880 --> 0:08:12.200 that realization look like? I mean, there are pictures in 0:08:12.240 --> 0:08:15.400 the book of you as a female. So how did 0:08:15.440 --> 0:08:18.119 you feel as a woman until the age of eighteen 0:08:18.160 --> 0:08:20.680 when you had that realization, like as a girl growing up? 0:08:20.800 --> 0:08:22.480 What was your thinking? 0:08:22.600 --> 0:08:25.560 Yeah, I mean, I think it's interesting because language and 0:08:25.600 --> 0:08:27.720 how we talk about these things, to me is really important. 0:08:27.720 --> 0:08:29.320 I don't think I ever felt like a girl, So 0:08:29.360 --> 0:08:31.920 I always like to offer again a shift of language, 0:08:31.920 --> 0:08:34.600 and that it wasn't when I was a girl, but 0:08:34.640 --> 0:08:36.720 when I presented myself as a girl, when I looked 0:08:36.760 --> 0:08:38.679 like a girl, when other people thought I was a girl, 0:08:38.840 --> 0:08:40.960 because I didn't wake up one day, you know, you 0:08:40.960 --> 0:08:42.760 ask me, what does it feel like to realize that 0:08:42.800 --> 0:08:45.120 I'm trans? What was my childhood like? I didn't wake 0:08:45.160 --> 0:08:47.960 up one day and oh my god, now I'm trans. Right, 0:08:48.200 --> 0:08:51.200 I've always felt this way about my gender, similar to 0:08:51.240 --> 0:08:53.440 I think I would. I would expect you've always felt 0:08:53.480 --> 0:08:55.240 a specific way about your gender, and you've always had 0:08:55.240 --> 0:08:58.560 a specific feeling about your womanhood that equals your womanhood, right, 0:08:58.760 --> 0:09:00.760 and so I've always had a fee that is my 0:09:00.880 --> 0:09:03.440 gender and experience it is my gender, but I haven't 0:09:03.440 --> 0:09:05.440 always been able to express that. So I think for 0:09:05.480 --> 0:09:07.800 a lot of my childhood That was a conflict for 0:09:07.840 --> 0:09:09.840 me because everybody gave me the word girl, and I 0:09:10.000 --> 0:09:12.840 was like, that doesn't fit. But I didn't have other words. 0:09:12.840 --> 0:09:15.400 I didn't have other community. I didn't have people to say, oh, 0:09:15.520 --> 0:09:18.280 if that doesn't fit, well, here's all these other identities 0:09:18.280 --> 0:09:20.679 that you could have access to. I just was handed tomboy, 0:09:20.920 --> 0:09:24.320 and so I was religiously attached to the word tomboy. 0:09:24.440 --> 0:09:26.000 If people ask me who I was, I would say, Hi, 0:09:26.000 --> 0:09:28.280 I'm Skylar. I'm a tomboy, right, That's the first answer 0:09:28.320 --> 0:09:30.720 I would give them. And I was very connected to 0:09:31.240 --> 0:09:34.200 that word because that's what it was closest right to 0:09:34.240 --> 0:09:36.520 my identity. For a lot of my childhood, I was 0:09:36.559 --> 0:09:39.040 I really struggled because I think I was bullied a 0:09:39.080 --> 0:09:43.120 lot for looking different, acting different. All the girls would say, well, 0:09:43.160 --> 0:09:45.080 you're not a real girl, and the boys would say, well, 0:09:45.080 --> 0:09:46.920 you're not a real boy. So that was a very 0:09:46.960 --> 0:09:49.960 difficult space to be in. I was bullied in bathrooms, 0:09:50.000 --> 0:09:52.400 harassed in bathrooms, thrown out of bathrooms, so I couldn't 0:09:52.400 --> 0:09:54.680 even like pee in peace, you know, And so I 0:09:54.720 --> 0:09:56.480 tried really hard in high school to be that girl. 0:09:56.679 --> 0:09:58.240 But the pictures that you saw in the book are 0:09:58.280 --> 0:10:01.000 pictures of me in high school when I we really 0:10:01.040 --> 0:10:03.800 tried to conform to whatever it meant to be this woman, 0:10:04.000 --> 0:10:06.040 and it made me miserable. I mean, I was struggling 0:10:06.040 --> 0:10:08.800 with an eating disorder, with depressions, suicidality, self harm. I 0:10:08.840 --> 0:10:12.120 was really struggling, even though externally I was doing all 0:10:12.120 --> 0:10:13.360 the things everybody wanted me to do. 0:10:13.559 --> 0:10:15.600 Yeah, which I think is the most common theme when 0:10:15.600 --> 0:10:19.600 people don't understand the struggle that anyone questioning their sexual 0:10:19.640 --> 0:10:22.520 identity has to deal with and the suicidal thoughts that 0:10:22.559 --> 0:10:25.520 come with it, and how much pain you know it 0:10:25.559 --> 0:10:27.840 can cause to not feel like you're living your truth. 0:10:27.960 --> 0:10:31.720 Yeah. Well, I think that that is actually a universal experience. 0:10:31.800 --> 0:10:34.280 People who don't have an experience with transits are no 0:10:34.360 --> 0:10:36.480 people who are trans might not understand. And I think 0:10:36.480 --> 0:10:38.560 you're right, But the reason they don't understand is because 0:10:38.559 --> 0:10:41.560 they're not extrapolating the same emotions that they could have. Right. 0:10:41.600 --> 0:10:43.720 We've all felt like we didn't belong. We've all felt 0:10:43.760 --> 0:10:46.120 like a part of ourselves wasn't accepted to somebody else. 0:10:46.320 --> 0:10:48.839 We've all, I think, hidden pieces of ourselves in some 0:10:48.920 --> 0:10:51.880 social situations. And if we can extrapolate to living your 0:10:51.920 --> 0:10:55.000 whole life like that, right, having your whole society believe 0:10:55.040 --> 0:10:57.120 in this lie that you're for me, supposed to be 0:10:57.160 --> 0:10:58.920 this girl and you're not. I think there's actually a 0:10:58.960 --> 0:11:00.480 lot more empathy we can strike with others. 0:11:01.320 --> 0:11:03.360 Yeah, there seems to be a real dearth of empathy 0:11:03.400 --> 0:11:06.800 when with regards to other people's choices. But also it's 0:11:06.920 --> 0:11:11.040 just such a representation of otherness, right, Like people can't 0:11:11.520 --> 0:11:15.320 understand something that they haven't been through. And when you 0:11:15.440 --> 0:11:20.320 hear people ask questions, I find myself always we're in 0:11:20.360 --> 0:11:23.320 such a divisive time already as a society, you know, 0:11:23.480 --> 0:11:27.880 and then all of these conversations, it's just like there's 0:11:27.920 --> 0:11:30.280 like a boiling point that it feels like we're at, 0:11:30.360 --> 0:11:32.440 you know what I mean, like almost on the brink 0:11:32.440 --> 0:11:36.480 of enlightenment but not quite there, and who knows, who 0:11:36.559 --> 0:11:39.080 knows if it will happen in our lifetime, but almost, 0:11:39.200 --> 0:11:42.640 you know, Like, because there's so many feelings about this 0:11:42.800 --> 0:11:45.240 and so many opinions about what's I mean, especially in 0:11:45.280 --> 0:11:48.400 our country with everything that's going on with legislation alone, 0:11:48.679 --> 0:11:50.880 you know, it's really frightening to know that little children 0:11:50.920 --> 0:11:53.760 are being denied their own existence. So tell me a 0:11:53.760 --> 0:11:56.560 little bit about emotionally what it means to you to 0:11:56.679 --> 0:12:00.600 be living your truthfulness now, what it means. And also, 0:12:00.960 --> 0:12:02.800 I do want to get into a little bit. This 0:12:02.840 --> 0:12:04.720 is something I've said before on the show, but I 0:12:04.720 --> 0:12:07.520 don't think people realize how difficult, like you said, you know, 0:12:07.600 --> 0:12:09.080 like as if you're going to transition to be on 0:12:09.120 --> 0:12:12.520 a sports team. It's not that fucking simple to transition. 0:12:13.120 --> 0:12:17.880 It is an arduous, arduous process that takes years of counseling. 0:12:18.160 --> 0:12:19.600 It's not like you go in one day and you 0:12:19.679 --> 0:12:22.160 come out and you're the opposite sex people who are 0:12:22.160 --> 0:12:25.000 doing this. There are less than one percent of people 0:12:25.360 --> 0:12:28.160 that have any regret about doing the surgery. There are 0:12:28.160 --> 0:12:31.000 more people who get breast reductions or plastic surgery who 0:12:31.040 --> 0:12:33.280 go in and try it to reverse things than there 0:12:33.320 --> 0:12:35.600 are people who a. 0:12:35.640 --> 0:12:39.560 Lot not like a little bit, right, yes, yes, thirty 0:12:39.600 --> 0:12:41.000 times more kind of mounts. 0:12:41.080 --> 0:12:43.480 Yeah, So talk to me a little bit about that 0:12:43.600 --> 0:12:47.800 journey for you and your happiness, your self esteem and 0:12:47.840 --> 0:12:52.000 all of the things that developed by becoming by stepping 0:12:52.000 --> 0:12:53.880 in the in the shoes of the real person that 0:12:53.920 --> 0:12:54.280 you are. 0:12:55.080 --> 0:12:57.960 I mean, I can tell you that I'm happier than 0:12:58.040 --> 0:13:00.440 I ever was before my transition. And I think I 0:13:00.440 --> 0:13:03.440 can say that with so much conviction and peace and 0:13:03.480 --> 0:13:06.520 people who have tried to challenge that by you know, 0:13:06.600 --> 0:13:08.640 if I ever say that I'm struggling with any kind 0:13:08.679 --> 0:13:11.200 of mental health anything, people like see trans people are 0:13:11.240 --> 0:13:13.760 mentally ill, and I'm always like, well, I'm a real person, right, 0:13:13.800 --> 0:13:16.920 And I do experience difficulty here and there in my life. 0:13:16.920 --> 0:13:19.480 But there's a weight that I'm no longer carrying, which 0:13:19.520 --> 0:13:22.439 is this weight of being somebody I'm not right. I'm 0:13:22.440 --> 0:13:25.120 not carrying around this fear that I'm a fraud, that 0:13:25.160 --> 0:13:27.120 I'm not who I say I am, that there's this 0:13:27.160 --> 0:13:28.760 other part of me that I wish I could show 0:13:28.760 --> 0:13:30.440 the world, but I can't. Right, I don't have to 0:13:30.440 --> 0:13:32.440 do that anymore because I get to be all of myself. 0:13:32.840 --> 0:13:36.080 I will say, though there is a deep grief that 0:13:36.120 --> 0:13:39.160 I experience in being able to be myself now watching 0:13:39.200 --> 0:13:41.760 the amount of anti trans legislation that's going around the country. 0:13:41.960 --> 0:13:45.280 I get access to my hormones, I can take my testosterone. 0:13:45.280 --> 0:13:47.480 I've had my top surgery. Most of the people in 0:13:47.520 --> 0:13:50.240 my life respect me for who I am, and you know, 0:13:50.320 --> 0:13:52.720 I have a home, a partner, right Like, I have 0:13:52.760 --> 0:13:55.400 a life that I really like, and there's so many 0:13:55.400 --> 0:13:57.200 trans people that don't have that right now. And so 0:13:57.320 --> 0:13:59.880 every time I take my shot, my testosteron shot, which 0:13:59.880 --> 0:14:02.199 I just died yesterday, I think about that. I think 0:14:02.200 --> 0:14:04.040 about how much of a privilege it is for me 0:14:04.160 --> 0:14:06.439 to be able to have access to my life saving 0:14:06.480 --> 0:14:08.640 medical care. And I don't ever want to see that 0:14:08.800 --> 0:14:11.439 as something that I take for granted. But I also 0:14:11.520 --> 0:14:13.760 sort of make a resolution to myself every time I 0:14:13.840 --> 0:14:16.440 do my own shot and say, this is me also 0:14:16.480 --> 0:14:18.120 fighting for other people to be able to have the 0:14:18.120 --> 0:14:21.040 same access. So there's this dual duality to it. I 0:14:21.040 --> 0:14:24.000 feel this piece and this happiness, this immense gratitude, but 0:14:24.040 --> 0:14:27.360 I also feel grief and anger and frustration because while 0:14:27.360 --> 0:14:29.200 I get to live as myself, there are so many 0:14:29.240 --> 0:14:29.920 others who can't. 0:14:30.000 --> 0:14:32.360 And are there any organizations that you work closely with 0:14:32.400 --> 0:14:35.400 that people who are listening can support donate to, Like, 0:14:35.520 --> 0:14:37.920 can you shout out some places that you've worked with 0:14:38.040 --> 0:14:39.080 or that you've experienced with. 0:14:39.160 --> 0:14:40.920 Well, you've heard of the Trevor Project, I'm sure. So 0:14:40.960 --> 0:14:44.160 the Trevor Project is an LGBTQ plus suicide Hotline. They 0:14:44.200 --> 0:14:46.560 think they do amazing work that's supported of the community. 0:14:46.760 --> 0:14:49.320 I also think there's Folks Health. I work with. Folks 0:14:49.320 --> 0:14:52.200 Health is a telehealth company that serves transom quer community. 0:14:52.280 --> 0:14:54.760 I get my tasosterone directly from Folks. Their providers are 0:14:54.800 --> 0:14:57.200 queer and trends and it's a way to actually get 0:14:57.240 --> 0:15:01.000 access to healthcare specifically gender for being healthcare that doesn't 0:15:01.000 --> 0:15:04.080 go through avenues where the doctors might not understand us 0:15:04.080 --> 0:15:06.200 as trans people. Right, There's a lot of discrimination in 0:15:06.240 --> 0:15:09.320 healthcare elsewhere, so I love Folks Health. There's a lot 0:15:09.320 --> 0:15:13.640 of really great location specific places equality Florida, Quality Texas. 0:15:14.000 --> 0:15:15.920 Is there a quality in Florida or Texas? 0:15:16.280 --> 0:15:18.080 A company? A company? 0:15:18.120 --> 0:15:19.680 I guess they have to. I guess that's where they 0:15:19.680 --> 0:15:20.200 have to start. 0:15:20.320 --> 0:15:22.560 Right, Florida they are fighting for I think it's breadth 0:15:22.560 --> 0:15:25.200 this he's fighting for right, right, right. But yes, yeah, 0:15:25.240 --> 0:15:28.120 so's There's a lot of really great grassroots organizations that 0:15:28.240 --> 0:15:31.760 I think are awesome to support. There's the Black Transliberation 0:15:31.960 --> 0:15:33.560 is a one out of a New York City actually 0:15:33.560 --> 0:15:36.240 with an amazing activist, Queen Jane, and she works to 0:15:36.280 --> 0:15:38.880 provide better care for black trans folks that live at 0:15:38.920 --> 0:15:41.440 the intersections of many systems of oppression. So there's I 0:15:41.440 --> 0:15:43.200 could spend all day on I don't want to take 0:15:43.200 --> 0:15:43.480 too much. 0:15:43.480 --> 0:15:45.680 Well, but no, I thank you. The more information we have, 0:15:45.720 --> 0:15:47.680 the better. Talk to me a little bit about your 0:15:47.720 --> 0:15:51.200 book and your family dynamics and how things shifted or 0:15:51.200 --> 0:15:53.880 didn't shift with your family, how they received this information, 0:15:54.520 --> 0:15:56.320 and what kind of support you were able to get 0:15:56.360 --> 0:15:56.720 from them. 0:15:57.480 --> 0:16:00.520 My parents did a really amazing job showing me love, 0:16:00.800 --> 0:16:03.120 and they struggled on the understanding. So when I first 0:16:03.400 --> 0:16:05.640 I'll just sort of like a summary. When I first 0:16:05.680 --> 0:16:07.800 came out to both of them, they were kind of like, okay, 0:16:08.480 --> 0:16:10.600 now what you know, And there was this sort of 0:16:10.920 --> 0:16:13.280 I don't want say, nonchalance but not sure what to 0:16:13.360 --> 0:16:16.240 do and not wanting to say something bad right or 0:16:16.360 --> 0:16:18.240 make me feel sad, And so there was an an 0:16:18.280 --> 0:16:20.360 acceptance in that moment. But then when I decided that 0:16:20.440 --> 0:16:22.720 I wanted to move forwards in terms of transition, I 0:16:22.720 --> 0:16:25.800 wanted to get top surgery. I was considering testosterone, that 0:16:25.920 --> 0:16:28.720 was much more difficult for them, and I think especially 0:16:28.720 --> 0:16:31.000 for my mom, there was a resistance of you know, 0:16:31.040 --> 0:16:33.600 why change your body? There's nothing wrong with it, and 0:16:33.640 --> 0:16:36.160 the very loud, very common what if you regret it? 0:16:36.280 --> 0:16:36.400 Right? 0:16:36.440 --> 0:16:38.840 What if you don't want this? Actually? And so there 0:16:38.880 --> 0:16:41.800 I had a lot of really difficult conversations, some screaming matches. 0:16:41.840 --> 0:16:44.600 Wouldn't recommend the screaming, of course, but you know, difficult 0:16:44.600 --> 0:16:47.400 times with both my parents trying to get them to understand. 0:16:47.680 --> 0:16:50.360 And I think the moment where things began to shift 0:16:50.520 --> 0:16:53.040 was again a screaming match, So again don't recommend the screaming. 0:16:53.080 --> 0:16:54.800 Where I said to them, I'm not asking you to 0:16:54.880 --> 0:16:58.080 understand me. Actually, I'm just asking you to trust me. 0:16:58.480 --> 0:17:00.760 And I think there's a crucial swich which we often 0:17:00.880 --> 0:17:04.280 experience people in a way that makes us think we 0:17:04.359 --> 0:17:06.640 have to understand, right, I have to understand I don't 0:17:06.640 --> 0:17:08.840 get it, and therefore it's not real, or therefore I 0:17:08.880 --> 0:17:11.400 can't support it. But we actually can support and love 0:17:11.440 --> 0:17:13.720 people we don't understand. We can support and love and 0:17:13.800 --> 0:17:16.159 validate entities that we don't understand. Right, I don't know 0:17:16.160 --> 0:17:18.320 how a microphone works. I'm sitting here. I know it works, 0:17:18.359 --> 0:17:19.560 but I don't know how it works. And it's still 0:17:19.640 --> 0:17:23.400 very real. Right. Just as an example, we can translate 0:17:23.440 --> 0:17:25.600 that to transness. We don't have to understand the inner 0:17:25.600 --> 0:17:27.840 working is of transness or transweople. Yeah, right, them to 0:17:27.880 --> 0:17:30.639 be real, right, And I think when my parents understood 0:17:30.640 --> 0:17:33.120 that there was actually more space to love me, more 0:17:33.160 --> 0:17:35.920 space to trust me, more space to hold my hand 0:17:36.200 --> 0:17:38.359 as I walk down this journey on my own with 0:17:38.480 --> 0:17:40.840 their support, right, And I think that that has been 0:17:40.840 --> 0:17:43.240 a crucial theme in our relationship. 0:17:43.920 --> 0:17:46.560 Yeah, because as a parent, I mean I can't imagine 0:17:46.560 --> 0:17:49.080 what it must feel like toa you. You know, it 0:17:49.160 --> 0:17:51.040