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Speaker 1: Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello.

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Speaker 2: Oh hello Chelsea.

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Speaker 1: Thanksgiving. I was gonna say Thanksgivings over, but I meant

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Speaker 1: to say Halloween is over. Thank God.

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Speaker 2: You are not a person who dresses up right now.

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Speaker 1: Hello Please. My roommate that I'm living with right now

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Speaker 1: said to me, he said, I just want to live

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Speaker 1: in a neighborhood where there's not going to be any

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Speaker 1: trick or treating. And I was like, oh my god,

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Speaker 1: that's exactly how I feel. I am such a Halloween scrooge.

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Speaker 1: There's nothing more insulting to me than adult Halloween parties. See.

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Speaker 2: I love going to my friend's houses in Burbank.

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Speaker 3: Bourbank goes crazy because it's all the people who work

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Speaker 3: for Disney, so they've got these crazy yard displays and

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Speaker 3: like give out tons of candy. I love giving out candy.

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Speaker 3: I think it's so fun.

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Speaker 1: That sounds right, Catherine, I can see you enjoying that.

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Speaker 2: But Chelsea's speaking of fun things. I have an update

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Speaker 2: for us that's actually really exciting.

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Speaker 1: O good. I like updates so positive. Well, we don't

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Speaker 1: get a lot of negative ones. I guess obviously, why

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Speaker 1: would they call them? Be like, you ruined my life.

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Speaker 3: Chelsea, This update is from d And she called in

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Speaker 3: a while back and she was really stressed about her neck.

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Speaker 1: Oh while back while.

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Speaker 3: That was me emphasizing, so you understand to say long while.

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Speaker 3: But she was dating her boyfriend for like seven years.

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Speaker 3: He hadn't proposed, and she was like super duper stressing

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Speaker 3: about it.

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Speaker 2: He'd kind of given her.

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Speaker 3: A timeline sort of, but she says, Dear Chelsea, I

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Speaker 3: wrote in seventeen months ago expressing agony waiting for my

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Speaker 3: boyfriend to propose.

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Speaker 2: Well, you were right. Just one month.

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Speaker 3: Later he did propose on a sweet trip to beautiful

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Speaker 3: up North Michigan. Flashed forward to our wedding this summer,

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Speaker 3: which was stunning beyond words. It was a musical backyard

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Speaker 3: wedding where the love of our closest friends and families

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Speaker 3: surrounded and lifted us. It's silly I was ever impatient,

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Speaker 3: because the day was perfect and came at the exact

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Speaker 3: right time. Your advice was to have the hard conversation.

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Speaker 3: Since then, we've had a few. We learned more about

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Speaker 3: communication and each other, and now when I'm feeling anxious

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Speaker 3: before a serious talk, I remind myself that it's worth

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Speaker 3: sharing instead of dwelling all alone in my head. Attach

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Speaker 3: to our a couple moments from our day. We're a

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Speaker 3: family of musicians. But that was my first time performing

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Speaker 3: and it was all at once terrifying and so so fun.

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Speaker 3: Thank you for taking my call. Another unforgettable experience. I

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Speaker 3: look forward to Dear Chelsea every week and will forever

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Speaker 3: admire and aspire to me more like her. Strong, voracious, intuitive,

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Speaker 3: and funny. Cheers to you and hashtag problem solved.

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Speaker 2: And here is a cute picture of her on her

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Speaker 2: wedding day.

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Speaker 1: Oh that are cute. Look at that. Oh that's cute.

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Speaker 1: I'm happy for them.

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Speaker 2: I know, I just thought those so lovely.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, so thanks for letting us know, d and congratulations.

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Speaker 1: Everyone needs to not rush everything. No, rushing don't make

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Speaker 1: things happen. Them happen.

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Speaker 3: Yes, and having good heart conversations I think is a

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Speaker 3: great lesson As you go into your marriage as well,

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Speaker 3: there will be lots of hard conversations, and I think

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Speaker 3: it is worth having them the right way.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: Who knows what I said to her about that, but

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Speaker 1: it sounds like it worked.

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Speaker 3: Out some great wisdom. I'm sure great. Well, so, Chelsea,

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Speaker 3: we have an awesome guest today.

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Speaker 1: So welcome to the podcast, Skyler Baylor.

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Speaker 4: Thank you for having me here.

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Speaker 1: Yes, yes, Chelsea Handlers, Skyler Baylor, here we are together.

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Speaker 1: The book is called A He She They How we

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Speaker 1: talk about gender and why it matters. And I found

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Speaker 1: it so informative because you really break down a lot

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Speaker 1: of things that I think people who aren't open to

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Speaker 1: transness or have experienced transness in their lives, or anyone

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Speaker 1: who's gone through this, there's so many different angles. It's

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Speaker 1: such a spectrum of a different experience for everybody. Now,

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Speaker 1: are you transitioned how many years ago?

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Speaker 4: Eight?

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Speaker 1: Eight years ago? And you're an athlete and you was

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Speaker 1: swimming on your college team. Yes. I think first what

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Speaker 1: I want to talk about is is because there's a

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Speaker 1: lot to dive into on that front. But I want

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Speaker 1: to talk about how you know there's something in your

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Speaker 1: book the simplest way for you to explain that transness

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Speaker 1: is not the sum of someone's external parts. How married

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Speaker 1: we are to the idea that if you have a vagina,

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Speaker 1: you're a girl and there's nothing in between. Yeah, can

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Speaker 1: you start to that?

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Speaker 4: Yeah? Well, I mean I think the there's a fundamental

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Speaker 4: lie we've all been told, which is that how our

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Speaker 4: bodies look at birth is equal to our gendered experience

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Speaker 4: in the world and our gender identities, and even our biology.

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Speaker 4: Isn't that simple, right, We're told that biology is either

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Speaker 4: penis or vagina, either xx or x y. But there's

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Speaker 4: so much complexity even within biological sex. There's chromosomal diversity,

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Speaker 4: hormone diversity, and other types of genitalia diversity. So even

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Speaker 4: if we look at the quote basic biology, even that

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Speaker 4: is diverse. And so people have this again fundamental belief

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Speaker 4: that is from a lie. It's told to us when

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Speaker 4: we're kids that this is only two categories, and the

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Speaker 4: realities it's far more complicated than that, has pretty much

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Speaker 4: everything else in.

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Speaker 1: Our life well exactly. And it's interesting that this conversation

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Speaker 1: is so prevalent now. So please enlighten my audience and

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Speaker 1: tell us about your experience. And let's start with the sports.

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Speaker 1: Let's start with you and competing on a male team

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Speaker 1: from being a female. So this is kind of the

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Speaker 1: opposite of the arguments we're facing right now, or we

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Speaker 1: hear a lot of I shouldn't say we're facing, but

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Speaker 1: we are as a society that a lot of people

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Speaker 1: have a big problem with men transitioning into transitioning to

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Speaker 1: females and then competing in sports, and you did the opposite, right, Yeah,

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Speaker 1: and how did that work out for you?

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Speaker 5: Yeah?

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Speaker 4: Well, I want to go back just a little bit

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Speaker 4: a couple of language notes. So what I always recommend

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Speaker 4: people say is what somebody's assigned at birth? Right, So

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Speaker 4: I was assigned female birth and I am a man

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Speaker 4: people that you're talking about. You said men transitioning to female.

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Speaker 4: We would say people assigned male at birth who identify

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Speaker 4: as women, or just calling them trans women transfeminine folks.

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Speaker 4: As just a little language shift, right, And I talk

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Speaker 4: about why in the books if people can check that out. So, yes,

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Speaker 4: people much more focus on transwomen transformin folks. People have

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Speaker 4: this belief that there's something unfair about that. The sort

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Speaker 4: of translation to my situation is that people then think

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Speaker 4: that I wouldn't possibly be able to compete against CIS men, right,

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Speaker 4: that somebody like me, a transgender man, wouldn't be able

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Speaker 4: to compete against assis men because they expect that I

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Speaker 4: would just lose. And it turns out that I ended

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Speaker 4: up doing Okay, I didn't lose to everybody. I actually

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Speaker 4: was in the fifth and eighty seven percent house, So

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Speaker 4: it's faster than eighty five and eighty seven percent of

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Speaker 4: all men in the NCAA at my events. So I

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Speaker 4: didn't win everything right, but I also didn't suck, And

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Speaker 4: I think it's an important note. And there's other transmen

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Speaker 4: like me who've also not only lost right, who've also

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Speaker 4: done okay. We've got some trans athletes out there who

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Speaker 4: are transmen, who actually have beat almost all men in

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Speaker 4: their categories in their sports. So I think that sort

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Speaker 4: of ruptures this idea that everybody assigned male at birth,

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Speaker 4: such as CIS men and such as trans women, is

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Speaker 4: automatically better than anybody assigned female birth, such as me

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Speaker 4: as a transman or a SIS woman.

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Speaker 1: And so was there any pushback at your school when

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Speaker 1: that was publicly known that you were going to be

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Speaker 1: competing on the team as a transgender man.

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Speaker 4: On my team specifically, I experienced actually quite an overwhelm

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Speaker 4: of support. So I went to Harvard and my coaches

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Speaker 4: were very supportive. They actually were the ones that came

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Speaker 4: up with the idea in the first place. They said,

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Speaker 4: if you identify as a man, why don't you swim

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Speaker 4: for the men's team because I have been recruited to

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Speaker 4: swim for the women's team, and they were just trying

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Speaker 4: to find what would make me happiest. They said, you

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Speaker 4: know what, you want, you to be happy, and we

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Speaker 4: want to do whatever it takes to create the space

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Speaker 4: for you to be happy, just like any other athlete.

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Speaker 4: I think when we talk about sports, there's a hyper

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Speaker 4: focus on trans people trying to transition for a purpose, right,

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Speaker 4: transition to win, transition to get access to the bathrooms,

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Speaker 4: get transition whatever, to hurt children. There's a very demonized

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Speaker 4: view of trans people, and the reality is we don't

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Speaker 4: transition to play sports. We transitioned because we're trans and

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Speaker 4: we want to live right, and we happen to be athletes.

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Speaker 4: And I think my coaches and my teammates actually saw

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Speaker 4: that in some really actually impressive ways where they put

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Speaker 4: my humanity first.

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Speaker 1: And how old were you when you transitioned?

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Speaker 4: I realized I was trans right after my teenth birthday,

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Speaker 4: a couple months after, and then I began to shift

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Speaker 4: how I was presenting in the world somewhere around eighteen nineteen.

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Speaker 1: In that space, and when you realize this, what does

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Speaker 1: that realization look like? I mean, there are pictures in

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Speaker 1: the book of you as a female. So how did

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Speaker 1: you feel as a woman until the age of eighteen

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Speaker 1: when you had that realization, like as a girl growing up?

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Speaker 1: What was your thinking?

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Speaker 4: Yeah, I mean, I think it's interesting because language and

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Speaker 4: how we talk about these things, to me is really important.

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Speaker 4: I don't think I ever felt like a girl, So

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Speaker 4: I always like to offer again a shift of language,

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Speaker 4: and that it wasn't when I was a girl, but

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Speaker 4: when I presented myself as a girl, when I looked

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Speaker 4: like a girl, when other people thought I was a girl,

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Speaker 4: because I didn't wake up one day, you know, you

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Speaker 4: ask me, what does it feel like to realize that

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Speaker 4: I'm trans? What was my childhood like? I didn't wake

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Speaker 4: up one day and oh my god, now I'm trans. Right,

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Speaker 4: I've always felt this way about my gender, similar to

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Speaker 4: I think I would. I would expect you've always felt

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Speaker 4: a specific way about your gender, and you've always had

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Speaker 4: a specific feeling about your womanhood that equals your womanhood, right,

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Speaker 4: and so I've always had a fee that is my

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Speaker 4: gender and experience it is my gender, but I haven't

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Speaker 4: always been able to express that. So I think for

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Speaker 4: a lot of my childhood That was a conflict for

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Speaker 4: me because everybody gave me the word girl, and I

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Speaker 4: was like, that doesn't fit. But I didn't have other words.

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Speaker 4: I didn't have other community. I didn't have people to say, oh,

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Speaker 4: if that doesn't fit, well, here's all these other identities

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Speaker 4: that you could have access to. I just was handed tomboy,

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Speaker 4: and so I was religiously attached to the word tomboy.

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Speaker 4: If people ask me who I was, I would say, Hi,

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Speaker 4: I'm Skylar. I'm a tomboy, right, That's the first answer

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Speaker 4: I would give them. And I was very connected to

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Speaker 4: that word because that's what it was closest right to

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Speaker 4: my identity. For a lot of my childhood, I was

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Speaker 4: I really struggled because I think I was bullied a

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Speaker 4: lot for looking different, acting different. All the girls would say, well,

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Speaker 4: you're not a real girl, and the boys would say, well,

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Speaker 4: you're not a real boy. So that was a very

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Speaker 4: difficult space to be in. I was bullied in bathrooms,

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Speaker 4: harassed in bathrooms, thrown out of bathrooms, so I couldn't

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Speaker 4: even like pee in peace, you know, And so I

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Speaker 4: tried really hard in high school to be that girl.

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Speaker 4: But the pictures that you saw in the book are

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Speaker 4: pictures of me in high school when I we really

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Speaker 4: tried to conform to whatever it meant to be this woman,

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Speaker 4: and it made me miserable. I mean, I was struggling

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Speaker 4: with an eating disorder, with depressions, suicidality, self harm. I

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Speaker 4: was really struggling, even though externally I was doing all

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Speaker 4: the things everybody wanted me to do.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, which I think is the most common theme when

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Speaker 1: people don't understand the struggle that anyone questioning their sexual

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Speaker 1: identity has to deal with and the suicidal thoughts that

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Speaker 1: come with it, and how much pain you know it

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Speaker 1: can cause to not feel like you're living your truth.

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Speaker 4: Yeah. Well, I think that that is actually a universal experience.

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Speaker 4: People who don't have an experience with transits are no

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Speaker 4: people who are trans might not understand. And I think

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Speaker 4: you're right, But the reason they don't understand is because

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Speaker 4: they're not extrapolating the same emotions that they could have. Right.

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Speaker 4: We've all felt like we didn't belong. We've all felt

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Speaker 4: like a part of ourselves wasn't accepted to somebody else.

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Speaker 4: We've all, I think, hidden pieces of ourselves in some

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Speaker 4: social situations. And if we can extrapolate to living your

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Speaker 4: whole life like that, right, having your whole society believe

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Speaker 4: in this lie that you're for me, supposed to be

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Speaker 4: this girl and you're not. I think there's actually a

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Speaker 4: lot more empathy we can strike with others.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, there seems to be a real dearth of empathy

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Speaker 1: when with regards to other people's choices. But also it's

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Speaker 1: just such a representation of otherness, right, Like people can't

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Speaker 1: understand something that they haven't been through. And when you

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Speaker 1: hear people ask questions, I find myself always we're in

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Speaker 1: such a divisive time already as a society, you know,

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Speaker 1: and then all of these conversations, it's just like there's

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Speaker 1: like a boiling point that it feels like we're at,

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Speaker 1: you know what I mean, like almost on the brink

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Speaker 1: of enlightenment but not quite there, and who knows, who

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Speaker 1: knows if it will happen in our lifetime, but almost,

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Speaker 1: you know, Like, because there's so many feelings about this

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Speaker 1: and so many opinions about what's I mean, especially in

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Speaker 1: our country with everything that's going on with legislation alone,

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Speaker 1: you know, it's really frightening to know that little children

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Speaker 1: are being denied their own existence. So tell me a

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Speaker 1: little bit about emotionally what it means to you to

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Speaker 1: be living your truthfulness now, what it means. And also,

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Speaker 1: I do want to get into a little bit. This

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Speaker 1: is something I've said before on the show, but I

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Speaker 1: don't think people realize how difficult, like you said, you know,

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Speaker 1: like as if you're going to transition to be on

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Speaker 1: a sports team. It's not that fucking simple to transition.

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Speaker 1: It is an arduous, arduous process that takes years of counseling.

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Speaker 1: It's not like you go in one day and you

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Speaker 1: come out and you're the opposite sex people who are

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Speaker 1: doing this. There are less than one percent of people

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Speaker 1: that have any regret about doing the surgery. There are

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Speaker 1: more people who get breast reductions or plastic surgery who

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Speaker 1: go in and try it to reverse things than there

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Speaker 1: are people who a.

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Speaker 4: Lot not like a little bit, right, yes, yes, thirty

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Speaker 4: times more kind of mounts.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, So talk to me a little bit about that

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Speaker 1: journey for you and your happiness, your self esteem and

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Speaker 1: all of the things that developed by becoming by stepping

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Speaker 1: in the in the shoes of the real person that

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Speaker 1: you are.

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Speaker 4: I mean, I can tell you that I'm happier than

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Speaker 4: I ever was before my transition. And I think I

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Speaker 4: can say that with so much conviction and peace and

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Speaker 4: people who have tried to challenge that by you know,

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Speaker 4: if I ever say that I'm struggling with any kind

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Speaker 4: of mental health anything, people like see trans people are

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Speaker 4: mentally ill, and I'm always like, well, I'm a real person, right,

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Speaker 4: And I do experience difficulty here and there in my life.

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Speaker 4: But there's a weight that I'm no longer carrying, which

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Speaker 4: is this weight of being somebody I'm not right. I'm

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Speaker 4: not carrying around this fear that I'm a fraud, that

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Speaker 4: I'm not who I say I am, that there's this

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Speaker 4: other part of me that I wish I could show

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Speaker 4: the world, but I can't. Right, I don't have to

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Speaker 4: do that anymore because I get to be all of myself.

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Speaker 4: I will say, though there is a deep grief that

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Speaker 4: I experience in being able to be myself now watching

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Speaker 4: the amount of anti trans legislation that's going around the country.

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Speaker 4: I get access to my hormones, I can take my testosterone.

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Speaker 4: I've had my top surgery. Most of the people in

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Speaker 4: my life respect me for who I am, and you know,

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Speaker 4: I have a home, a partner, right Like, I have

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Speaker 4: a life that I really like, and there's so many

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Speaker 4: trans people that don't have that right now. And so

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Speaker 4: every time I take my shot, my testosteron shot, which

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Speaker 4: I just died yesterday, I think about that. I think

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Speaker 4: about how much of a privilege it is for me

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Speaker 4: to be able to have access to my life saving

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Speaker 4: medical care. And I don't ever want to see that

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Speaker 4: as something that I take for granted. But I also

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Speaker 4: sort of make a resolution to myself every time I

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Speaker 4: do my own shot and say, this is me also

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Speaker 4: fighting for other people to be able to have the

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Speaker 4: same access. So there's this dual duality to it. I

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Speaker 4: feel this piece and this happiness, this immense gratitude, but

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Speaker 4: I also feel grief and anger and frustration because while

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Speaker 4: I get to live as myself, there are so many

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Speaker 4: others who can't.

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Speaker 1: And are there any organizations that you work closely with

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Speaker 1: that people who are listening can support donate to, Like,

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Speaker 1: can you shout out some places that you've worked with

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Speaker 1: or that you've experienced with.

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Speaker 4: Well, you've heard of the Trevor Project, I'm sure. So

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Speaker 4: the Trevor Project is an LGBTQ plus suicide Hotline. They

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Speaker 4: think they do amazing work that's supported of the community.

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Speaker 4: I also think there's Folks Health. I work with. Folks

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Speaker 4: Health is a telehealth company that serves transom quer community.

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Speaker 4: I get my tasosterone directly from Folks. Their providers are

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Speaker 4: queer and trends and it's a way to actually get

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Speaker 4: access to healthcare specifically gender for being healthcare that doesn't

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Speaker 4: go through avenues where the doctors might not understand us

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Speaker 4: as trans people. Right, There's a lot of discrimination in

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Speaker 4: healthcare elsewhere, so I love Folks Health. There's a lot

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Speaker 4: of really great location specific places equality Florida, Quality Texas.

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Speaker 1: Is there a quality in Florida or Texas?

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Speaker 4: A company? A company?

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Speaker 1: I guess they have to. I guess that's where they

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Speaker 1: have to start.

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Speaker 4: Right, Florida they are fighting for I think it's breadth

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Speaker 4: this he's fighting for right, right, right. But yes, yeah,

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Speaker 4: so's There's a lot of really great grassroots organizations that

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Speaker 4: I think are awesome to support. There's the Black Transliberation

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Speaker 4: is a one out of a New York City actually

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Speaker 4: with an amazing activist, Queen Jane, and she works to

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Speaker 4: provide better care for black trans folks that live at

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Speaker 4: the intersections of many systems of oppression. So there's I

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Speaker 4: could spend all day on I don't want to take

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Speaker 4: too much.

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Speaker 1: Well, but no, I thank you. The more information we have,

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Speaker 1: the better. Talk to me a little bit about your

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Speaker 1: book and your family dynamics and how things shifted or

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Speaker 1: didn't shift with your family, how they received this information,

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Speaker 1: and what kind of support you were able to get

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Speaker 1: from them.

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Speaker 4: My parents did a really amazing job showing me love,

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Speaker 4: and they struggled on the understanding. So when I first

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Speaker 4: I'll just sort of like a summary. When I first

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Speaker 4: came out to both of them, they were kind of like, okay,

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Speaker 4: now what you know, And there was this sort of

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Speaker 4: I don't want say, nonchalance but not sure what to

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Speaker 4: do and not wanting to say something bad right or

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Speaker 4: make me feel sad, And so there was an an

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Speaker 4: acceptance in that moment. But then when I decided that

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Speaker 4: I wanted to move forwards in terms of transition, I

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Speaker 4: wanted to get top surgery. I was considering testosterone, that

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Speaker 4: was much more difficult for them, and I think especially

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Speaker 4: for my mom, there was a resistance of you know,

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Speaker 4: why change your body? There's nothing wrong with it, and

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Speaker 4: the very loud, very common what if you regret it?

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Speaker 6: Right?

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Speaker 4: What if you don't want this? Actually? And so there

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Speaker 4: I had a lot of really difficult conversations, some screaming matches.

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Speaker 4: Wouldn't recommend the screaming, of course, but you know, difficult

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Speaker 4: times with both my parents trying to get them to understand.

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Speaker 4: And I think the moment where things began to shift

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Speaker 4: was again a screaming match, So again don't recommend the screaming.

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Speaker 4: Where I said to them, I'm not asking you to

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Speaker 4: understand me. Actually, I'm just asking you to trust me.

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Speaker 4: And I think there's a crucial swich which we often

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Speaker 4: experience people in a way that makes us think we

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Speaker 4: have to understand, right, I have to understand I don't

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Speaker 4: get it, and therefore it's not real, or therefore I

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Speaker 4: can't support it. But we actually can support and love

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Speaker 4: people we don't understand. We can support and love and

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Speaker 4: validate entities that we don't understand. Right, I don't know

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Speaker 4: how a microphone works. I'm sitting here. I know it works,

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Speaker 4: but I don't know how it works. And it's still

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Speaker 4: very real. Right. Just as an example, we can translate

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Speaker 4: that to transness. We don't have to understand the inner

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Speaker 4: working is of transness or transweople. Yeah, right, them to

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Speaker 4: be real, right, And I think when my parents understood

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Speaker 4: that there was actually more space to love me, more

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Speaker 4: space to trust me, more space to hold my hand

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Speaker 4: as I walk down this journey on my own with

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Speaker 4: their support, right, And I think that that has been

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Speaker 4: a crucial theme in our relationship.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, because as a parent, I mean I can't imagine

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Speaker 1: what it must feel like toa you. You know, it

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Speaker 1: must feel like a loss in some sense, and then

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Speaker 1: such a gain when you're out on the other side

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Speaker 1: of it, but also such a fear of what could

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Speaker 1: happen and what could be subjected to in terms of

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Speaker 1: other people, bullying, discrimination, And as a parent, I just

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Speaker 1: nobody ever wants their child to be subjected to any

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Speaker 1: sort of pain, which is obviously an impossible task or ideal.

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Speaker 1: I mean, everyone's going to experience it, but I think, yeah,

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Speaker 1: I can't imagine how difficult that must be for some parents.

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Speaker 1: But again, at the end of the day, it is like,

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Speaker 1: you want your child to be whatever they're supposed to

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Speaker 1: be and realize their dreams. That's all you could ever want.

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Speaker 1: Is your child to be happy. That's the most important thing.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, but there is letting go. And so one of

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Speaker 4: the things I coach a lot of parents through their

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Speaker 4: child's transitions. They reach out to me and I know,

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Speaker 4: I see the kid and I see the parent, and

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Speaker 4: a lot of times there is a lot of grief

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Speaker 4: about their kid. And there's sort of two main categories

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Speaker 4: of grief. One is I thought I had a daughter

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Speaker 4: or I thought I had a son and now I

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Speaker 4: don't and I'm sad. And the other one is I

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Speaker 4: don't want my kid to be hurt in the world. Right,

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Speaker 4: I know that them being openly trans is going to

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Speaker 4: cause them pain, and I think there's a good response

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Speaker 4: to both. The first in terms of them being bullied. Yes,

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Speaker 4: your kid is going to be bullied by other people

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Speaker 4: for being trans. I have no doubts because the world

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Speaker 4: we live in there's going to be transphobia. But if

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Speaker 4: you bully your kid, then you are contributing to that,

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Speaker 4: right it is, It is unequivocal that other people are

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Speaker 4: going to do so. But do you want to create

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Speaker 4: your home as a place where they're going to be

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Speaker 4: bullied to?

435
00:19:09,840 --> 00:19:10,000
Speaker 5: Right?

436
00:19:10,040 --> 00:19:12,520
Speaker 4: Your only decision is actually do I also bully my

437
00:19:12,600 --> 00:19:15,080
Speaker 4: kid or do I protect them at home? So that's

438
00:19:15,119 --> 00:19:17,439
Speaker 4: the first thing. The second one is grieving who you

439
00:19:17,480 --> 00:19:20,040
Speaker 4: thought they were. I think that parents grieve who they

440
00:19:20,040 --> 00:19:22,480
Speaker 4: think their kids are every day. Right, If we're actually

441
00:19:22,520 --> 00:19:24,840
Speaker 4: letting the kid grow up and be their own self,

442
00:19:24,880 --> 00:19:27,320
Speaker 4: regardless of whether or not their trands or queer, there's

443
00:19:27,359 --> 00:19:29,560
Speaker 4: always little things we're letting go of unless the kid

444
00:19:29,680 --> 00:19:32,280
Speaker 4: becomes one hundred percent our expectations, and if they do,

445
00:19:32,359 --> 00:19:33,680
Speaker 4: they're probably not themselves.

446
00:19:34,200 --> 00:19:34,360
Speaker 6: Right.

447
00:19:34,400 --> 00:19:37,760
Speaker 4: So I think there's actually a fundamental realization for parents

448
00:19:37,800 --> 00:19:40,239
Speaker 4: to have. And again I've watched parents go through this

449
00:19:40,320 --> 00:19:42,520
Speaker 4: as I've coached them, where they're actually realizing they have

450
00:19:42,560 --> 00:19:46,160
Speaker 4: to let their kid grow up as themselves, transness involved

451
00:19:46,240 --> 00:19:47,960
Speaker 4: or not, and they have to let go of their

452
00:19:48,000 --> 00:19:50,359
Speaker 4: expectations for who they want the kid to be again,

453
00:19:50,440 --> 00:19:51,280
Speaker 4: transness or not.

454
00:19:51,640 --> 00:19:54,040
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's a great point, very salient. You're going to

455
00:19:54,080 --> 00:19:57,359
Speaker 1: be really good at giving advice to people. Yeah. No,

456
00:19:57,720 --> 00:20:00,080
Speaker 1: it brings like tears to my eyes because I this,

457
00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:03,560
Speaker 1: this is why I'm not a parent, because it's so

458
00:20:03,840 --> 00:20:07,359
Speaker 1: painful to see anyone you love go through anything difficult,

459
00:20:07,480 --> 00:20:10,400
Speaker 1: Like imagine, you know, like what you're saying is so true.

460
00:20:10,560 --> 00:20:12,679
Speaker 1: Your kid is never going to be exactly You're always

461
00:20:12,680 --> 00:20:15,960
Speaker 1: mourning what they were or their age or them being

462
00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:18,040
Speaker 1: little and then growing up and they don't need you

463
00:20:18,080 --> 00:20:20,440
Speaker 1: as much and you know so it's a great way

464
00:20:20,480 --> 00:20:23,800
Speaker 1: to frame that conversation. Okay, Well, on that note, we're

465
00:20:23,840 --> 00:20:25,600
Speaker 1: going to take a break and we'll be right back.

466
00:20:29,640 --> 00:20:33,480
Speaker 1: And we're back, Catherine, what did you drum.

467
00:20:33,320 --> 00:20:35,760
Speaker 2: Up for us? So many things that I can see.

468
00:20:35,760 --> 00:20:38,679
Speaker 1: He's gonna be Skyler's gonna be no pressure, Skyler. But

469
00:20:38,720 --> 00:20:40,840
Speaker 1: Skyler's going to be really good at this. So I

470
00:20:40,880 --> 00:20:41,360
Speaker 1: can't wait.

471
00:20:41,800 --> 00:20:44,199
Speaker 3: With all of your resillions of degrees from Harvard, I

472
00:20:44,200 --> 00:20:46,199
Speaker 3: think you will be just fine.

473
00:20:46,440 --> 00:20:47,520
Speaker 4: I only have one, just one.

474
00:20:47,720 --> 00:20:49,440
Speaker 1: He only has one degree from Harvard.

475
00:20:49,520 --> 00:20:53,320
Speaker 3: Okay, but on different times, Okay, can you tell us

476
00:20:53,320 --> 00:20:56,199
Speaker 3: what your degrees are in because reading your book, I

477
00:20:56,280 --> 00:20:59,240
Speaker 3: was like, wait, not only does Skyler have this experience

478
00:20:59,280 --> 00:21:02,520
Speaker 3: as a transman and an athlete, he also has this

479
00:21:02,640 --> 00:21:05,000
Speaker 3: amazing education, Like that's why this book is so good.

480
00:21:05,480 --> 00:21:09,080
Speaker 4: Oh well, thank you. I focused in cognitive neuroscience and

481
00:21:09,080 --> 00:21:13,560
Speaker 4: evolutionary psychology, which is in the psychology department. Awesome, awesome,

482
00:21:13,560 --> 00:21:15,600
Speaker 4: So like the science y version of psych So.

483
00:21:15,640 --> 00:21:17,399
Speaker 1: You transitioned while you were at Harvard or do you

484
00:21:17,440 --> 00:21:17,679
Speaker 1: want to?

485
00:21:18,040 --> 00:21:19,560
Speaker 4: I mean, I think I was still sort of in

486
00:21:19,600 --> 00:21:22,159
Speaker 4: the process of transitioning, but I got top surgery and

487
00:21:22,200 --> 00:21:24,159
Speaker 4: started to saus before I began, So I took a

488
00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:26,560
Speaker 4: gap year between high school and college, and that's where

489
00:21:26,560 --> 00:21:28,680
Speaker 4: I learned about myself. I was in actually a residential

490
00:21:28,720 --> 00:21:30,760
Speaker 4: treatment center for my eating disorder at the time and

491
00:21:30,840 --> 00:21:33,600
Speaker 4: just sort of like doing a lot of introspection because

492
00:21:33,600 --> 00:21:35,879
Speaker 4: I was really sick. But end of high school and.

493
00:21:36,200 --> 00:21:39,280
Speaker 1: You're eating disordered was related to you?

494
00:21:39,280 --> 00:21:42,160
Speaker 4: You know, it wasn't it wasn't? You know? I think

495
00:21:42,200 --> 00:21:44,879
Speaker 4: mental health can be really complicated. For me. I had

496
00:21:44,880 --> 00:21:47,080
Speaker 4: a lot of childhood stuff I was also working through.

497
00:21:47,320 --> 00:21:51,520
Speaker 4: And who's to say you can't distinguish it completely from

498
00:21:51,560 --> 00:21:53,360
Speaker 4: my transness, because I think my transit was a big

499
00:21:53,400 --> 00:21:55,600
Speaker 4: part of my childhood trauma as well. Right, it's just

500
00:21:55,760 --> 00:21:58,520
Speaker 4: really involved. But I think a main driving factor to

501
00:21:58,560 --> 00:22:00,840
Speaker 4: my discomfort in my body was my transness.

502
00:22:01,400 --> 00:22:05,480
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's interesting to think about all those eating disorders.

503
00:22:05,480 --> 00:22:07,800
Speaker 1: When they ever they say, oh, it's about control, It's like, well,

504
00:22:07,840 --> 00:22:09,760
Speaker 1: it is a lot about control, but it's also about

505
00:22:09,800 --> 00:22:10,800
Speaker 1: a bevy of other things.

506
00:22:10,920 --> 00:22:14,080
Speaker 4: Eating disorders are not simple, not just of the realms

507
00:22:14,080 --> 00:22:17,159
Speaker 4: of I'm actually on the Eating Disorder Coalition board and

508
00:22:17,200 --> 00:22:18,359
Speaker 4: so I do a lot of work in the eating

509
00:22:18,359 --> 00:22:21,680
Speaker 4: disorder space, and they're very complicated disorders. And I think

510
00:22:21,720 --> 00:22:24,000
Speaker 4: people think, you know, it's just about women wanting to

511
00:22:24,040 --> 00:22:26,600
Speaker 4: be thin, you know, and it's it's really not. It

512
00:22:26,600 --> 00:22:29,159
Speaker 4: can present that way, sure, but it is. It's about

513
00:22:29,320 --> 00:22:31,240
Speaker 4: control is a part of it. But it's also about

514
00:22:31,280 --> 00:22:34,800
Speaker 4: sort of dissonance with one's self and how one shows

515
00:22:34,840 --> 00:22:36,840
Speaker 4: up in the world. It's about self worth, it's about

516
00:22:36,880 --> 00:22:39,880
Speaker 4: negative schema. Is There's a lot of like underlying factors

517
00:22:39,880 --> 00:22:42,920
Speaker 4: that contribute to eating disorder risk. There's a very high

518
00:22:42,960 --> 00:22:46,480
Speaker 4: percentage of LGBTQ plus people compared to non LGBTQ plus

519
00:22:46,560 --> 00:22:48,600
Speaker 4: people who have eating disorders, and a lot of that

520
00:22:48,720 --> 00:22:51,400
Speaker 4: is if you look at the risk factors, social isolation

521
00:22:51,560 --> 00:22:53,919
Speaker 4: is one of them, Bullying is one of them, gender

522
00:22:53,960 --> 00:22:56,080
Speaker 4: ideals and body image ideals are one of them, and

523
00:22:56,119 --> 00:22:58,080
Speaker 4: if you think about how queer people and trans people

524
00:22:58,119 --> 00:23:00,680
Speaker 4: are treated, all of those are like heightened risk factors

525
00:23:00,720 --> 00:23:01,000
Speaker 4: for us.

526
00:23:02,119 --> 00:23:05,760
Speaker 3: Okay, so yeah, so our first email comes from Dane

527
00:23:06,200 --> 00:23:07,880
Speaker 3: and this is actually a follow up from our Dylan

528
00:23:07,960 --> 00:23:12,600
Speaker 3: mulvaney episode. Dane as a trans man who was struggling

529
00:23:12,600 --> 00:23:16,640
Speaker 3: with his relationship with his mom, but also through our conversation,

530
00:23:16,720 --> 00:23:20,920
Speaker 3: we realized he didn't really have any trans community around him,

531
00:23:21,520 --> 00:23:23,960
Speaker 3: so we really encouraged him there and even some Dear

532
00:23:24,040 --> 00:23:27,199
Speaker 3: Chelsea listeners wrote in to get connected with him. So

533
00:23:28,080 --> 00:23:31,240
Speaker 3: Dane says, hey, there, just wanted to check in and

534
00:23:31,320 --> 00:23:32,920
Speaker 3: let you know I'm doing a lot better than the

535
00:23:33,000 --> 00:23:36,560
Speaker 3: last time we spoke. Andrew, who was someone we connected

536
00:23:36,640 --> 00:23:39,439
Speaker 3: him with through Dear Chelsea who had written in. Andrew

537
00:23:39,440 --> 00:23:42,280
Speaker 3: and I have become great friends. We hang out a lot.

538
00:23:42,560 --> 00:23:43,800
Speaker 2: It's been great to become.

539
00:23:43,640 --> 00:23:46,800
Speaker 3: Friends, especially from sharing such a vulnerable part of myself

540
00:23:46,840 --> 00:23:49,240
Speaker 3: so publicly and having it turn out like this.

541
00:23:49,760 --> 00:23:50,439
Speaker 2: We're planning to.

542
00:23:50,440 --> 00:23:53,680
Speaker 3: Get tickets to see Chelsea's show together in Portland in November.

543
00:23:54,200 --> 00:23:55,920
Speaker 3: Can't wait to laugh it up and cheer for her.

544
00:23:56,040 --> 00:23:57,920
Speaker 3: Thanks again for everything, Dane.

545
00:23:58,320 --> 00:24:01,199
Speaker 1: Oh that's that's heartwarming. Yeah, isn't it nice? I mean

546
00:24:01,320 --> 00:24:04,280
Speaker 1: friends make all the difference. Yeah, you only need one friend.

547
00:24:04,359 --> 00:24:06,680
Speaker 1: Sometimes you just need one. I mean you'll get more,

548
00:24:07,000 --> 00:24:08,520
Speaker 1: but you know what I mean, you just it's like

549
00:24:08,560 --> 00:24:10,119
Speaker 1: you only need one person to believe in you. When

550
00:24:10,119 --> 00:24:12,080
Speaker 1: you're a kid, there are times in your life where

551
00:24:12,119 --> 00:24:14,239
Speaker 1: you feel so lonely and all you need is just

552
00:24:14,280 --> 00:24:17,760
Speaker 1: like one person, Yeah, you know, to make you feel

553
00:24:17,800 --> 00:24:19,880
Speaker 1: so much less alone. That's nice. I love that.

554
00:24:20,520 --> 00:24:23,760
Speaker 4: There's actually really interesting research that supports that if a

555
00:24:23,800 --> 00:24:26,520
Speaker 4: trans kid has one supportive adult in their life, they

556
00:24:26,520 --> 00:24:30,160
Speaker 4: have a dramatically reduced rate of suicide. So that one support,

557
00:24:30,240 --> 00:24:33,240
Speaker 4: that one friend can really change somebody's life. And I

558
00:24:33,240 --> 00:24:36,080
Speaker 4: think we all I think about that fact all the time,

559
00:24:36,119 --> 00:24:39,040
Speaker 4: because one person being nice to one other person is

560
00:24:39,160 --> 00:24:41,920
Speaker 4: a really small ask. And I think any of your listeners,

561
00:24:41,920 --> 00:24:45,320
Speaker 4: anybody can be nice to one transkid, one person and

562
00:24:45,359 --> 00:24:46,480
Speaker 4: truly save their life.

563
00:24:46,640 --> 00:24:49,560
Speaker 1: Yeah, And I think that applies to you know, any person.

564
00:24:49,640 --> 00:24:51,760
Speaker 1: When you see somebody going through something, or you can

565
00:24:51,960 --> 00:24:55,800
Speaker 1: you can sense somebody's alone or feeling lonely, or sense

566
00:24:55,960 --> 00:24:58,840
Speaker 1: that there's a sense of hopelessness about them. You know,

567
00:24:58,840 --> 00:25:01,520
Speaker 1: it's always important, even if you don't know that person,

568
00:25:01,600 --> 00:25:03,679
Speaker 1: to just like reach out and grab their hand and

569
00:25:03,720 --> 00:25:06,679
Speaker 1: say are you okay? Like do you need help? Do

570
00:25:06,720 --> 00:25:09,880
Speaker 1: you need support? You can change people's lives all the time.

571
00:25:09,920 --> 00:25:12,399
Speaker 1: But just being sensitive to the people that are around you,

572
00:25:12,440 --> 00:25:14,879
Speaker 1: because people are always going through shit, and I know

573
00:25:14,920 --> 00:25:17,720
Speaker 1: when that's happened to me and someone's noticed, like, oh,

574
00:25:17,800 --> 00:25:20,040
Speaker 1: your energy's off or something's going on with you, it's

575
00:25:20,040 --> 00:25:23,239
Speaker 1: so meaningful that somebody even takes the time to address it.

576
00:25:23,640 --> 00:25:25,320
Speaker 1: Imagine what you could do for somebody who's in a

577
00:25:25,320 --> 00:25:27,840
Speaker 1: tremendous amount of pain or discomfort, or if doesn't feel

578
00:25:27,840 --> 00:25:30,640
Speaker 1: seen or doesn't feel heard. So I want to always

579
00:25:30,720 --> 00:25:33,400
Speaker 1: encourage all of our listeners to really, you know, reach

580
00:25:33,480 --> 00:25:36,919
Speaker 1: out when you feel or you see somebody that needs help. Please,

581
00:25:37,240 --> 00:25:38,440
Speaker 1: You're never going to regret that.

582
00:25:38,560 --> 00:25:40,560
Speaker 4: And it can be something really small, right, just saying

583
00:25:40,560 --> 00:25:42,800
Speaker 4: I see you. Like I was at a speech recently

584
00:25:42,840 --> 00:25:44,879
Speaker 4: and I was talking about what I would tell a

585
00:25:44,920 --> 00:25:47,399
Speaker 4: trans kid in this specific there's a specific scenario that

586
00:25:47,440 --> 00:25:49,159
Speaker 4: give they gave me, and I was like, actually, it's

587
00:25:49,240 --> 00:25:50,639
Speaker 4: very simple. All I would say to that kid is

588
00:25:50,680 --> 00:25:52,760
Speaker 4: I believe you. I believe you for who you are.

589
00:25:52,800 --> 00:25:54,080
Speaker 4: You tell me who you are, you tell me what

590
00:25:54,119 --> 00:25:56,000
Speaker 4: your pronouns are, and I believe you, and that's it.

591
00:25:56,200 --> 00:25:58,720
Speaker 4: And this kid started bawling in the audience, like just

592
00:25:59,080 --> 00:26:01,040
Speaker 4: crying in his mind was there too, and the mom

593
00:26:01,119 --> 00:26:03,080
Speaker 4: was crying, and they came up to me afterwards, and

594
00:26:03,119 --> 00:26:04,800
Speaker 4: both of them are crying, and then I was crying,

595
00:26:04,960 --> 00:26:07,560
Speaker 4: and it was all just because I said, I believe you,

596
00:26:07,560 --> 00:26:09,120
Speaker 4: you know, and I think we don't do that enough.

597
00:26:09,160 --> 00:26:11,119
Speaker 4: We don't tell people I believe you, I hear you.

598
00:26:11,200 --> 00:26:13,560
Speaker 4: I believe your experience is real to you, and therefore

599
00:26:13,600 --> 00:26:15,200
Speaker 4: it's real to me. Yeah, and I think we need

600
00:26:15,240 --> 00:26:15,840
Speaker 4: to do that more.

601
00:26:16,000 --> 00:26:18,000
Speaker 1: Yeah, for sure, Yeah, I like that.

602
00:26:18,280 --> 00:26:23,000
Speaker 2: Yeah. Well, our first caller is Sloan, just thirty one.

603
00:26:23,560 --> 00:26:25,840
Speaker 1: Okay, I just want to say that Skyler and Sloan,

604
00:26:25,920 --> 00:26:28,880
Speaker 1: we're two of my cabbage patch names growing up. They

605
00:26:28,880 --> 00:26:32,439
Speaker 1: were sisters and the Skyler, Sloane, and Gretchen were the

606
00:26:32,480 --> 00:26:33,960
Speaker 1: three girls. Very nice.

607
00:26:34,040 --> 00:26:36,000
Speaker 3: Yeah, I wish I had a Gretchen calling in today,

608
00:26:36,040 --> 00:26:41,240
Speaker 3: but no doubt. Sloan's email the subject line is how

609
00:26:41,280 --> 00:26:43,800
Speaker 3: to stop arguing with fifth graders about Trump?

610
00:26:44,080 --> 00:26:44,720
Speaker 2: And Skyler.

611
00:26:44,760 --> 00:26:47,000
Speaker 3: I know you talked in your book about you know,

612
00:26:47,000 --> 00:26:49,120
Speaker 3: you speak to a lot of kids, and you talk

613
00:26:49,280 --> 00:26:51,399
Speaker 3: about what kids have taught you about transnis.

614
00:26:51,400 --> 00:26:53,359
Speaker 2: So I thought this would be a good email to

615
00:26:53,400 --> 00:26:55,399
Speaker 2: share with you. Dear Chelsea.

616
00:26:55,640 --> 00:26:58,920
Speaker 3: I'm a school librarian, and I'm very passionate about my work.

617
00:26:59,200 --> 00:27:01,600
Speaker 3: I've been an education for seven years now. I used

618
00:27:01,640 --> 00:27:03,760
Speaker 3: to be a classroom teacher as well. In the past

619
00:27:03,840 --> 00:27:06,280
Speaker 3: few years have been tough for many reasons, but also

620
00:27:06,280 --> 00:27:09,679
Speaker 3: because of the politics seeping into our school culture. I

621
00:27:09,760 --> 00:27:11,640
Speaker 3: teach in the South, so I think we can all

622
00:27:11,680 --> 00:27:14,200
Speaker 3: make an educated guess who many of the families around

623
00:27:14,240 --> 00:27:16,879
Speaker 3: here voted for. I feel like a fish out of

624
00:27:16,920 --> 00:27:19,159
Speaker 3: water in the area I teach. I try not to

625
00:27:19,240 --> 00:27:21,680
Speaker 3: let their comments and strong beliefs bother me, but damn,

626
00:27:21,800 --> 00:27:25,080
Speaker 3: it's getting really hard. And to be honest, I hate confrontation,

627
00:27:25,280 --> 00:27:29,240
Speaker 3: but when people are saying openly racist, homophobic, anti trans

628
00:27:29,280 --> 00:27:32,520
Speaker 3: and politically ignorant things, it makes my heart rate speed

629
00:27:32,600 --> 00:27:34,600
Speaker 3: up and I find it hard to bite my tongue,

630
00:27:35,000 --> 00:27:37,680
Speaker 3: especially when the students are saying all kinds of things.

631
00:27:38,119 --> 00:27:40,359
Speaker 3: I mean, seriously, what six year old actually has an

632
00:27:40,359 --> 00:27:43,600
Speaker 3: opinion about a wall being built? However, when I do

633
00:27:43,720 --> 00:27:46,480
Speaker 3: speak up, even in the least confrontational way I can,

634
00:27:46,600 --> 00:27:49,679
Speaker 3: it ostracizes me from the community, which is a crappy feeling,

635
00:27:50,200 --> 00:27:52,919
Speaker 3: whether it's my principle making an insensitive joke or the

636
00:27:52,960 --> 00:27:55,600
Speaker 3: parents trying to ban books with queer characters. It's all

637
00:27:55,720 --> 00:27:58,920
Speaker 3: just exhausting. I could move schools, but it would mean

638
00:27:59,000 --> 00:28:01,760
Speaker 3: a pay cut. How do I stay professional at work

639
00:28:01,840 --> 00:28:04,199
Speaker 3: and not let things bother me while still sticking up

640
00:28:04,240 --> 00:28:05,520
Speaker 3: for what I believe? Sloan?

641
00:28:06,960 --> 00:28:10,439
Speaker 2: Hi, Sloan, Hi, how are you Hi?

642
00:28:10,640 --> 00:28:15,800
Speaker 1: Cute? Look at you? Hi, cutie? How are you hi? Sloan?

643
00:28:15,880 --> 00:28:18,639
Speaker 1: I was just telling them Skyler's our special guest today,

644
00:28:18,720 --> 00:28:21,919
Speaker 1: Skyler Baylor, And I was just telling our audience that

645
00:28:22,000 --> 00:28:25,920
Speaker 1: my Cabbage Patch kids growing up were Sloan, Skyler, and Gretchen.

646
00:28:26,720 --> 00:28:30,160
Speaker 1: So we just need to get a Gretchen in here

647
00:28:30,359 --> 00:28:34,200
Speaker 1: and then we're all set perfect. Do you live in Florida?

648
00:28:34,600 --> 00:28:35,159
Speaker 7: Basically?

649
00:28:35,880 --> 00:28:38,920
Speaker 1: Yeah, basically that's an interesting way to put it. Yeah,

650
00:28:38,960 --> 00:28:41,960
Speaker 1: it sounds like it. Do you want to start this?

651
00:28:42,160 --> 00:28:46,320
Speaker 1: Because I have to think, I feel this. I don't

652
00:28:46,320 --> 00:28:47,959
Speaker 1: know how you could even live there, so I have

653
00:28:48,000 --> 00:28:50,600
Speaker 1: to think about what advice to give you because I

654
00:28:50,680 --> 00:28:53,080
Speaker 1: have such an intolerance for intolerance.

655
00:28:54,520 --> 00:28:57,200
Speaker 4: Oh gosh, Yeslan, nice to meet you.

656
00:28:57,200 --> 00:28:57,400
Speaker 7: You know.

657
00:28:58,920 --> 00:29:02,680
Speaker 4: My first thought is a lot about how you are

658
00:29:03,280 --> 00:29:06,840
Speaker 4: centering yourself outside of school, which might sound kind of funny,

659
00:29:06,880 --> 00:29:09,320
Speaker 4: but I think a lot of what we do in

660
00:29:09,400 --> 00:29:12,160
Speaker 4: our jobs or in difficult situations are reflections of how

661
00:29:12,200 --> 00:29:14,600
Speaker 4: much energy we have elsewhere. So my first thought is, like,

662
00:29:14,760 --> 00:29:16,760
Speaker 4: where can you find space that you do have community?

663
00:29:16,760 --> 00:29:18,560
Speaker 4: Where can you find space where you are not fighting

664
00:29:18,560 --> 00:29:21,160
Speaker 4: people with fifth graders on Trump's wall and what have you.

665
00:29:21,480 --> 00:29:24,560
Speaker 4: But that's important, yes, the consideration at school though, when

666
00:29:24,600 --> 00:29:28,320
Speaker 4: you're actually doing these these tasks, trying to have these conversations.

667
00:29:28,480 --> 00:29:30,760
Speaker 4: A couple thoughts. The first thing is that you said

668
00:29:30,840 --> 00:29:34,320
Speaker 4: not having a tolerance for intolerance. I think somehow I

669
00:29:34,400 --> 00:29:37,120
Speaker 4: have learned some sort of tolerance for intolerance, and a

670
00:29:37,120 --> 00:29:39,520
Speaker 4: lot of it comes from trying to actually dig into empathy.

671
00:29:39,960 --> 00:29:42,800
Speaker 4: And I think I've interfaced with so many people who

672
00:29:42,840 --> 00:29:45,400
Speaker 4: deeply don't believe that I exist. They like will stand

673
00:29:45,400 --> 00:29:48,120
Speaker 4: in front of me and absolutely say, we don't believe

674
00:29:48,120 --> 00:29:51,000
Speaker 4: in trans people. I don't believe in Actually the newest

675
00:29:51,040 --> 00:29:54,480
Speaker 4: one people are now going back on mixed race marriages right,

676
00:29:54,520 --> 00:29:57,440
Speaker 4: anti misseggenation laws, So like, don't I shouldn't exist in

677
00:29:57,480 --> 00:29:59,480
Speaker 4: that front either as a mixed race kid. Like people

678
00:29:59,480 --> 00:30:01,280
Speaker 4: will take up part my danny to say I'm not Korean,

679
00:30:01,320 --> 00:30:02,960
Speaker 4: I'm not this, I'm not trans, I'm not a man.

680
00:30:03,000 --> 00:30:04,920
Speaker 4: I'm whatever right, and they'll stand in front of me

681
00:30:04,960 --> 00:30:07,000
Speaker 4: trying to deny my existence. And what I see is

682
00:30:07,040 --> 00:30:10,200
Speaker 4: a whole lot of systems that have lied to them,

683
00:30:10,320 --> 00:30:12,560
Speaker 4: that cause them to believe these things and then hold

684
00:30:12,600 --> 00:30:15,400
Speaker 4: on to them because it's their reality. And so when

685
00:30:15,440 --> 00:30:17,720
Speaker 4: I interface with kids who are stuck here, I have

686
00:30:17,800 --> 00:30:20,360
Speaker 4: to first understand that they're just repeating with what their

687
00:30:20,400 --> 00:30:22,600
Speaker 4: parents have said, which you know. But what do I

688
00:30:22,640 --> 00:30:24,720
Speaker 4: do with them? I like to ask them questions, And

689
00:30:24,760 --> 00:30:27,280
Speaker 4: it's actually a lot less energetically draining to say no,

690
00:30:27,320 --> 00:30:30,479
Speaker 4: you're wrong. Instead, I say why do you say that?

691
00:30:30,560 --> 00:30:32,520
Speaker 4: Where did that come from? Where did you learn that?

692
00:30:32,760 --> 00:30:35,400
Speaker 4: And if you really press especially you said coworkers making

693
00:30:35,680 --> 00:30:38,200
Speaker 4: racist jokes, if you press them, hey, I don't think

694
00:30:38,360 --> 00:30:40,680
Speaker 4: you can play dumb, right, I don't think I understood

695
00:30:40,680 --> 00:30:43,000
Speaker 4: what that meant, Like, what does that joke actually mean?

696
00:30:43,480 --> 00:30:45,840
Speaker 4: You can get some really interesting places with that, And

697
00:30:45,880 --> 00:30:48,080
Speaker 4: I think I like to dig at the core right

698
00:30:48,120 --> 00:30:50,880
Speaker 4: by asking questions like that, and if anything, you'll make

699
00:30:50,920 --> 00:30:52,800
Speaker 4: them think right, and at the worst case, you won't

700
00:30:52,800 --> 00:30:54,320
Speaker 4: get anywhere. I'll be like, it's just a joke, and

701
00:30:54,360 --> 00:30:56,440
Speaker 4: they'll move on. Right, But I think it's easier, at

702
00:30:56,480 --> 00:30:58,320
Speaker 4: least for my system to do that, to be like,

703
00:30:58,400 --> 00:31:00,240
Speaker 4: why are you talking about this? Why do you care

704
00:31:00,280 --> 00:31:02,840
Speaker 4: about this? What do you mean by this? Instead of

705
00:31:02,880 --> 00:31:06,200
Speaker 4: trying to tell them that they're wrong. So that's sort

706
00:31:06,200 --> 00:31:09,720
Speaker 4: of my approach, and it hinges on empathy that says,

707
00:31:09,800 --> 00:31:12,760
Speaker 4: I understand why you are this way, right, especially with

708
00:31:12,800 --> 00:31:16,320
Speaker 4: the fifth graders, right, they're not actively hateful. They're repeating

709
00:31:16,360 --> 00:31:19,600
Speaker 4: what their parents are saying because they want to belong, right,

710
00:31:19,640 --> 00:31:22,160
Speaker 4: they want to belong with their parents, and so they're

711
00:31:22,200 --> 00:31:24,680
Speaker 4: saying the thing that allows them to belong with their parents,

712
00:31:24,680 --> 00:31:26,800
Speaker 4: and that is the most basic human thing to do.

713
00:31:27,240 --> 00:31:30,640
Speaker 4: So I also that helps me have more tolerance for

714
00:31:30,680 --> 00:31:31,240
Speaker 4: those moments.

715
00:31:31,680 --> 00:31:34,000
Speaker 1: I also, you know, I mean you're in the education system.

716
00:31:34,040 --> 00:31:36,520
Speaker 1: I think I love everything that Skyler just said, because

717
00:31:36,560 --> 00:31:38,400
Speaker 1: I think that is the right way to get, you know,

718
00:31:38,480 --> 00:31:41,760
Speaker 1: to be a little bit smarter than your emotions, right,

719
00:31:41,840 --> 00:31:45,000
Speaker 1: to get rise above the situation. And since you are

720
00:31:45,000 --> 00:31:47,600
Speaker 1: in the field of education, you know, it is important

721
00:31:47,600 --> 00:31:51,800
Speaker 1: to point out to the adults within your school system

722
00:31:51,840 --> 00:31:53,719
Speaker 1: who make those comments in a different way than it

723
00:31:53,760 --> 00:31:56,240
Speaker 1: is with children, because in children it is good to

724
00:31:56,280 --> 00:31:58,520
Speaker 1: probe them to make them think about why they're saying

725
00:31:58,520 --> 00:32:00,800
Speaker 1: is something or why they may think they have the

726
00:32:00,840 --> 00:32:04,240
Speaker 1: mental framework for something, you know, because then that really

727
00:32:04,320 --> 00:32:07,600
Speaker 1: pushes you beyond the surface and what do you really

728
00:32:07,640 --> 00:32:10,440
Speaker 1: think about this? But also with regard to adults, you know,

729
00:32:10,680 --> 00:32:13,320
Speaker 1: I call it the miseducation of America. They want everyone

730
00:32:13,400 --> 00:32:15,680
Speaker 1: just to be so stupid and dumb and not educated,

731
00:32:16,040 --> 00:32:18,080
Speaker 1: which is so ironic. You know, in the field of

732
00:32:18,160 --> 00:32:21,640
Speaker 1: education that people support this book banning and this anti

733
00:32:21,640 --> 00:32:25,240
Speaker 1: trans legislation, but it also just is very uneducated to

734
00:32:25,320 --> 00:32:28,320
Speaker 1: not know more about these issues. It's always, you know,

735
00:32:28,320 --> 00:32:30,040
Speaker 1: there's always more to learn and there's more to know.

736
00:32:30,120 --> 00:32:31,960
Speaker 1: So when I think when you're dealing with the adults,

737
00:32:32,160 --> 00:32:33,560
Speaker 1: you don't want to lose your temper, you don't want

738
00:32:33,560 --> 00:32:35,280
Speaker 1: to lose your shit. You seem like, you know, you

739
00:32:35,280 --> 00:32:37,520
Speaker 1: have a very good disposition. In the two seconds I

740
00:32:37,520 --> 00:32:39,280
Speaker 1: saw you, I mean that I'm looking at you and

741
00:32:39,800 --> 00:32:42,120
Speaker 1: on camera and your energy like I don't see you

742
00:32:42,120 --> 00:32:44,480
Speaker 1: as somebody who's doing that anyway, And I think there's

743
00:32:44,520 --> 00:32:47,120
Speaker 1: a very joyful way for you to express yourself without

744
00:32:47,120 --> 00:32:50,240
Speaker 1: being so threatening to the other adults that you might

745
00:32:50,320 --> 00:32:53,080
Speaker 1: feel or that you know that you have different views

746
00:32:53,440 --> 00:32:57,200
Speaker 1: and value systems, you know, and beliefs while remaining true

747
00:32:57,240 --> 00:32:59,400
Speaker 1: to who you are. I think that's always a challenge

748
00:32:59,400 --> 00:33:01,239
Speaker 1: that we face as adults, is to figure out the

749
00:33:01,240 --> 00:33:04,160
Speaker 1: most reasonable way to go through life while I'm not

750
00:33:04,360 --> 00:33:07,000
Speaker 1: selling your soul, Like you don't ever want to pretend

751
00:33:07,120 --> 00:33:10,080
Speaker 1: you believe that or that you agree with them, But

752
00:33:10,120 --> 00:33:13,160
Speaker 1: there's a way for you to handle it with a

753
00:33:13,200 --> 00:33:14,320
Speaker 1: plum you know.

754
00:33:14,800 --> 00:33:16,760
Speaker 5: I kind of have a good example of where it

755
00:33:16,800 --> 00:33:19,680
Speaker 5: just gets so sticky is last week I had a

756
00:33:19,720 --> 00:33:22,080
Speaker 5: six year old girl like looking to check out a

757
00:33:22,120 --> 00:33:23,600
Speaker 5: book and we were running out of time, and I

758
00:33:23,600 --> 00:33:26,200
Speaker 5: was like, what about this Clifford Halloween book because it

759
00:33:26,200 --> 00:33:29,000
Speaker 5: looked awesome, and she was like, oh, I can't get that.

760
00:33:29,200 --> 00:33:31,760
Speaker 5: My mom doesn't let me watch Clifford. There's two moms

761
00:33:31,760 --> 00:33:32,800
Speaker 5: in that show.

762
00:33:32,880 --> 00:33:34,200
Speaker 7: And I was like what.

763
00:33:34,640 --> 00:33:36,360
Speaker 5: And then I was like uh, And I just I

764
00:33:36,400 --> 00:33:38,400
Speaker 5: get stumbled because I'm like, I don't want to be

765
00:33:38,480 --> 00:33:41,680
Speaker 5: the woke agenda and doctrinating the children and trying to

766
00:33:41,680 --> 00:33:44,640
Speaker 5: push my beliefs on them, but at the same time like, Okay,

767
00:33:44,680 --> 00:33:47,280
Speaker 5: there's two moms in it. That's normal, But I can't.

768
00:33:47,640 --> 00:33:49,640
Speaker 5: It's just hard and you just get stuck. You're just

769
00:33:49,720 --> 00:33:52,240
Speaker 5: kind of like, whoa, you are six years old and

770
00:33:52,280 --> 00:33:54,720
Speaker 5: you just said that, and so you get kind of

771
00:33:54,720 --> 00:33:58,200
Speaker 5: stuck on what to say sometimes without pushing your beliefs

772
00:33:58,280 --> 00:33:58,760
Speaker 5: or whatever.

773
00:34:00,160 --> 00:34:02,520
Speaker 1: Right, And I don't think you necessarily have to push

774
00:34:02,520 --> 00:34:05,360
Speaker 1: your agenda though on a six year old. But what

775
00:34:05,400 --> 00:34:08,120
Speaker 1: you can do is what Skyler was talking about, which

776
00:34:08,200 --> 00:34:12,840
Speaker 1: is actually ask questions about it without impressing your agenda

777
00:34:13,120 --> 00:34:17,440
Speaker 1: on them, you know, asking questions like, oh, you know,

778
00:34:17,480 --> 00:34:19,400
Speaker 1: you don't have to do that every time. You know,

779
00:34:19,440 --> 00:34:20,759
Speaker 1: I don't want you to get in trouble and get

780
00:34:20,800 --> 00:34:22,480
Speaker 1: fired at work, because I know that's a thing in

781
00:34:22,520 --> 00:34:26,359
Speaker 1: Florida too, and it sure is. But you know, I

782
00:34:26,400 --> 00:34:29,040
Speaker 1: love the asking questions like oh, you've never seen a

783
00:34:29,080 --> 00:34:32,080
Speaker 1: family with two moms or you know, maybe not in

784
00:34:32,120 --> 00:34:34,680
Speaker 1: that moment, but down the road, knowing what kind of

785
00:34:34,760 --> 00:34:38,160
Speaker 1: frame of mind you're dealing with, and possibly probing it

786
00:34:38,200 --> 00:34:40,880
Speaker 1: in more, you know, in ways that aren't directly related

787
00:34:40,920 --> 00:34:41,759
Speaker 1: to her not getting the book.

788
00:34:41,760 --> 00:34:44,920
Speaker 4: Clifford, I think it's also like inviting the kid to

789
00:34:45,000 --> 00:34:47,239
Speaker 4: think on their own, right, Like, I know there's a

790
00:34:47,360 --> 00:34:50,279
Speaker 4: very large amount of people trying to push like, oh,

791
00:34:50,320 --> 00:34:52,720
Speaker 4: it's pushing an agenda. Trans people don't have an agenda.

792
00:34:52,760 --> 00:34:54,760
Speaker 4: We just want to live, right, That's really our agenda.

793
00:34:55,239 --> 00:34:58,040
Speaker 4: And I think that's important to recognize. But the narrative

794
00:34:58,080 --> 00:35:01,319
Speaker 4: is strong, That's that's the agenc. I think you can

795
00:35:01,400 --> 00:35:03,919
Speaker 4: you can talk about these topics and let the kid

796
00:35:04,280 --> 00:35:07,000
Speaker 4: actually think for themselves. And I think that's what I

797
00:35:07,000 --> 00:35:08,799
Speaker 4: would do in that moment. If the kids said to me, oh,

798
00:35:08,840 --> 00:35:11,000
Speaker 4: I can't get that there's two moms, I'd say, Oh,

799
00:35:11,040 --> 00:35:13,600
Speaker 4: that's interesting. I'm just curious, like, what do you think

800
00:35:13,600 --> 00:35:16,320
Speaker 4: about that? What is your thought? Do you is there something?

801
00:35:17,080 --> 00:35:19,000
Speaker 4: I'm just curious, right, And I would just like ask

802
00:35:19,080 --> 00:35:21,200
Speaker 4: them that question, if anything, not to get them to

803
00:35:21,239 --> 00:35:22,920
Speaker 4: check out the book or to go against what their

804
00:35:22,920 --> 00:35:25,200
Speaker 4: mom has said, but just to invite them to have

805
00:35:25,239 --> 00:35:29,360
Speaker 4: their own opinion about do you think anything about somebody

806
00:35:29,400 --> 00:35:30,240
Speaker 4: having two moms?

807
00:35:30,400 --> 00:35:30,560
Speaker 6: Right?

808
00:35:30,800 --> 00:35:33,200
Speaker 4: And I think that critical thinking is actually there's a

809
00:35:33,239 --> 00:35:35,200
Speaker 4: bigger problem with our education systm, which is that we're

810
00:35:35,239 --> 00:35:38,359
Speaker 4: not inviting critical thinking. We're not inviting kids to think

811
00:35:38,400 --> 00:35:41,160
Speaker 4: a little bit further than whatever they're told. And that's

812
00:35:41,160 --> 00:35:45,319
Speaker 4: a huge problem. And the whole indoctrination messaging that trans

813
00:35:45,360 --> 00:35:47,560
Speaker 4: people or queer people are trying to indoctrinate kids. It's

814
00:35:47,800 --> 00:35:50,480
Speaker 4: completely the opposite, which is that these systems that are

815
00:35:50,480 --> 00:35:52,680
Speaker 4: trying to ban books, that are trying to stop education

816
00:35:52,760 --> 00:35:55,520
Speaker 4: about black people, about trans people, about queer people, about

817
00:35:55,520 --> 00:35:58,120
Speaker 4: our history of systemic racism. Right, all of that is

818
00:35:58,160 --> 00:36:01,440
Speaker 4: indoctrinating the kids to not think right and to just

819
00:36:01,520 --> 00:36:03,719
Speaker 4: accept whatever's put on the page and let it be there.

820
00:36:03,760 --> 00:36:06,880
Speaker 4: And that's really dangerous because we want kids that think.

821
00:36:07,000 --> 00:36:09,160
Speaker 4: Who doesn't want kids that think people who are controlling

822
00:36:09,160 --> 00:36:09,640
Speaker 4: the country.

823
00:36:09,960 --> 00:36:12,719
Speaker 1: What do you think about that, Slan, Yes, definitely.

824
00:36:12,960 --> 00:36:14,800
Speaker 7: I think I just need to sometimes.

825
00:36:14,800 --> 00:36:16,600
Speaker 5: I just when I hear that stuff, I go to

826
00:36:16,760 --> 00:36:20,400
Speaker 5: like emotional reaction mode and I need to just I

827
00:36:20,440 --> 00:36:22,840
Speaker 5: love the asking questions and just kind of almost playing

828
00:36:22,880 --> 00:36:23,680
Speaker 5: dumb and just be.

829
00:36:23,680 --> 00:36:24,960
Speaker 7: Like, oh, what what do you mean?

830
00:36:25,120 --> 00:36:27,360
Speaker 1: Why do you think that? And also putting it in

831
00:36:27,360 --> 00:36:29,520
Speaker 1: your back pocket so you know, for later when there's

832
00:36:29,520 --> 00:36:32,560
Speaker 1: an opportunity for another question that can probe their thinking

833
00:36:33,000 --> 00:36:35,920
Speaker 1: and open their mindset. You know, think of it as

834
00:36:35,960 --> 00:36:39,319
Speaker 1: like you're gathering information and that way you don't have

835
00:36:39,360 --> 00:36:42,000
Speaker 1: to be reactive in the moment. You can actually react

836
00:36:42,080 --> 00:36:44,560
Speaker 1: or respond down the line with some other, you know,

837
00:36:44,600 --> 00:36:46,839
Speaker 1: in a different way or on a different subject matter,

838
00:36:47,120 --> 00:36:49,759
Speaker 1: but knowing the kind of kids' parents you're dealing with.

839
00:36:51,000 --> 00:36:53,360
Speaker 4: I have one other tool for you, which is something

840
00:36:53,360 --> 00:36:54,759
Speaker 4: I talk about in my book, So I hope you

841
00:36:54,760 --> 00:36:57,719
Speaker 4: can check that out. Yea, there's this one kind of

842
00:36:57,719 --> 00:37:01,120
Speaker 4: idea I learned earlier in my career with people who

843
00:37:01,160 --> 00:37:03,359
Speaker 4: didn't agree with me, and I figured out that if

844
00:37:03,400 --> 00:37:05,960
Speaker 4: I tried to enter the conversation trying to change their mind,

845
00:37:06,000 --> 00:37:08,240
Speaker 4: trying to change their perspective, trying to just say you're wrong,

846
00:37:08,320 --> 00:37:11,000
Speaker 4: I'd get nowhere right. And similarly, if somebody tries to

847
00:37:11,080 --> 00:37:12,640
Speaker 4: enter a conversation with me and their whole goal is

848
00:37:12,640 --> 00:37:14,120
Speaker 4: to say that I'm wrong, I don't really want to

849
00:37:14,120 --> 00:37:17,040
Speaker 4: have that conversation. If I instead enter the conversation trying

850
00:37:17,080 --> 00:37:20,000
Speaker 4: to add perspective instead of trying to change it, so

851
00:37:20,000 --> 00:37:23,239
Speaker 4: again it's adding perspective instead of changing it, then I'm

852
00:37:23,239 --> 00:37:25,960
Speaker 4: actually more likely to be successful because my goal in

853
00:37:26,000 --> 00:37:28,000
Speaker 4: that conversation is to get the other person to walk

854
00:37:28,040 --> 00:37:31,120
Speaker 4: away thinking, gosh, I hadn't actually considered that before, and

855
00:37:31,160 --> 00:37:35,400
Speaker 4: now that I've considered this, maybe maybe that influences my conclusion.

856
00:37:35,880 --> 00:37:37,759
Speaker 4: Instead of coming to the conversation being like, this person

857
00:37:37,760 --> 00:37:39,239
Speaker 4: thinks I'm wrong and I'm right, and you're wrong, and

858
00:37:39,280 --> 00:37:42,120
Speaker 4: I'm right and you're wrong. That's not a conversation. That's

859
00:37:42,120 --> 00:37:44,960
Speaker 4: a confrontation. You said you didn't like confrontation. Here's a

860
00:37:44,960 --> 00:37:47,719
Speaker 4: way to shift it instead of trying to change their mind.

861
00:37:47,880 --> 00:37:50,319
Speaker 4: What can you give them that might be additive? Right?

862
00:37:50,480 --> 00:37:52,839
Speaker 4: How can you widen their perspective and say, oh, there's

863
00:37:52,880 --> 00:37:55,439
Speaker 4: also this thing over here that you hadn't considered. Does

864
00:37:55,480 --> 00:37:58,600
Speaker 4: that help your consideration of your conclusion. I'm not giving

865
00:37:58,600 --> 00:38:00,360
Speaker 4: you the conclusion. I'm just giving you a fact you

866
00:38:00,400 --> 00:38:00,960
Speaker 4: might have missed.

867
00:38:01,480 --> 00:38:02,440
Speaker 7: Yeah, I love that.

868
00:38:02,719 --> 00:38:05,560
Speaker 1: Love that I do too. I'm really impressed with you.

869
00:38:05,640 --> 00:38:09,480
Speaker 1: If you're really Smartana Margulis, you better watch up? Okay,

870
00:38:09,760 --> 00:38:11,960
Speaker 1: I mean you better, sorry, watch up? You better wash

871
00:38:12,040 --> 00:38:15,200
Speaker 1: up and watch out. Okay, there's a new sheriff in town, Juliana.

872
00:38:15,320 --> 00:38:19,279
Speaker 1: I know she's listening. I think that's great advice. And I'm,

873
00:38:19,320 --> 00:38:21,000
Speaker 1: you know, even more excited that I wasn't the one

874
00:38:21,040 --> 00:38:23,520
Speaker 1: to give it. So there you go, Sloan.

875
00:38:24,520 --> 00:38:26,960
Speaker 7: Thank you so much. I really appreciate it.

876
00:38:27,440 --> 00:38:29,839
Speaker 1: Yeah, well, thank you for being a teacher and doing

877
00:38:29,840 --> 00:38:32,080
Speaker 1: it in Florida. You're doing the Lord's work.

878
00:38:32,320 --> 00:38:33,160
Speaker 4: Basically, Florida.

879
00:38:33,280 --> 00:38:36,120
Speaker 7: It's interesting, that's for sure. Never a dull moment.

880
00:38:36,800 --> 00:38:40,360
Speaker 1: Just yeah, think of it as a nice big challenge. Yep, definitely,

881
00:38:40,840 --> 00:38:43,000
Speaker 1: and also make sure, I just want to double back

882
00:38:43,040 --> 00:38:45,839
Speaker 1: on something Skyler said, is like that community, which I'm

883
00:38:45,840 --> 00:38:47,879
Speaker 1: sure you have. You seem like you have your own

884
00:38:48,000 --> 00:38:50,680
Speaker 1: thing going on privately is so important so that you

885
00:38:50,719 --> 00:38:52,680
Speaker 1: are able to be around people who are like minded

886
00:38:52,719 --> 00:38:54,600
Speaker 1: and have the same you know, value system.

887
00:38:55,800 --> 00:38:57,680
Speaker 7: My tribe saves me for sure.

888
00:38:57,800 --> 00:39:01,359
Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, thank you so much. But that's the kind

889
00:39:01,360 --> 00:39:05,439
Speaker 1: of teacher I always wanted somebody nice and young, right right.

890
00:39:05,640 --> 00:39:08,680
Speaker 1: My teachers were always like eighty, well they weren't. Those

891
00:39:08,680 --> 00:39:12,440
Speaker 1: are more congressmen and senators. But my teachers were always older.

892
00:39:12,480 --> 00:39:15,280
Speaker 1: They were never young. You know, not that it matters,

893
00:39:15,320 --> 00:39:16,800
Speaker 1: but you know, I guess.

894
00:39:16,600 --> 00:39:18,520
Speaker 4: Well, sometimes it's nice to have people who can relate

895
00:39:18,560 --> 00:39:18,719
Speaker 4: to you.

896
00:39:18,840 --> 00:39:22,279
Speaker 1: Yeah, like a little. It's just so much more energy sometimes. Yeah.

897
00:39:22,320 --> 00:39:28,880
Speaker 2: Yeah, Well, our next color is CJ.

898
00:39:29,400 --> 00:39:35,319
Speaker 3: CJ uses the them pronouns. CJ's email starts help me

899
00:39:35,360 --> 00:39:37,840
Speaker 3: see and see advice Factory, which I thought was clever.

900
00:39:38,320 --> 00:39:42,080
Speaker 3: Dear Chelsea I'm forty five, recently diagnosed autistic, live in

901
00:39:42,239 --> 00:39:46,360
Speaker 3: NYC and single for twenty years. I identify as transfemme

902
00:39:46,560 --> 00:39:49,680
Speaker 3: non binary and started my physical transition about a year ago.

903
00:39:50,280 --> 00:39:52,920
Speaker 3: In twenty twenty one, I met a man on OkCupid.

904
00:39:53,120 --> 00:39:55,360
Speaker 3: From his profile, I thought he was a handsome af

905
00:39:55,400 --> 00:39:58,880
Speaker 3: s's single guy. During our first conversation, he revealed that

906
00:39:59,000 --> 00:40:01,960
Speaker 3: not only was he an open marriage, but he's also trans.

907
00:40:02,360 --> 00:40:04,279
Speaker 3: Even though I wasn't looking for a hookup, we met

908
00:40:04,280 --> 00:40:06,080
Speaker 3: for coffee, figuring it would be great to have a

909
00:40:06,080 --> 00:40:08,839
Speaker 3: good trans friend for me. It was love at first sight,

910
00:40:08,920 --> 00:40:10,760
Speaker 3: and it's been difficult for me to think about anyone

911
00:40:10,760 --> 00:40:13,880
Speaker 3: else since that moment. Flash forward. He's now in the

912
00:40:13,920 --> 00:40:16,160
Speaker 3: process of his divorce. I helped him get out of

913
00:40:16,239 --> 00:40:18,680
Speaker 3: NYC to find his dream job of working on a

914
00:40:18,719 --> 00:40:22,760
Speaker 3: farm in North Carolina. During that time, we became extremely close,

915
00:40:22,960 --> 00:40:26,399
Speaker 3: regular hangouts and sleepovers, but no hookups. Although he knew

916
00:40:26,440 --> 00:40:29,160
Speaker 3: of my feelings, he insisted he didn't see me as

917
00:40:29,239 --> 00:40:32,200
Speaker 3: anything but a friend. A few months ago, our entire

918
00:40:32,280 --> 00:40:35,239
Speaker 3: dynamic shifted. We had a long, frank discussion and he

919
00:40:35,280 --> 00:40:37,840
Speaker 3: opened up emotionally in a way he never had before.

920
00:40:38,320 --> 00:40:40,920
Speaker 3: As strong as my feelings were before, my entire heart

921
00:40:41,000 --> 00:40:43,360
Speaker 3: is open to him now, and seemingly I'm happy to

922
00:40:43,400 --> 00:40:48,000
Speaker 3: report his is to me because these feelings are impossibly

923
00:40:48,080 --> 00:40:50,080
Speaker 3: rare for me. I'm having a hard time with my

924
00:40:50,160 --> 00:40:54,960
Speaker 3: insecurity and self doubt, worrying about absolutely everything. He's twelve

925
00:40:55,040 --> 00:40:57,799
Speaker 3: years younger and far more attractive than me. He lives

926
00:40:57,800 --> 00:41:00,640
Speaker 3: in another state. I'd love to move to be with him,

927
00:41:00,719 --> 00:41:03,200
Speaker 3: but I'm in a long term NYC rental paying just

928
00:41:03,280 --> 00:41:05,839
Speaker 3: eleven hundred dollars a month, so if I give it up,

929
00:41:05,920 --> 00:41:08,920
Speaker 3: it has to be the real deal. He's only just

930
00:41:08,960 --> 00:41:11,440
Speaker 3: realized his feelings for me, whereas I've been struggling for

931
00:41:11,480 --> 00:41:14,239
Speaker 3: almost two years with mine for him, what if his

932
00:41:14,360 --> 00:41:17,400
Speaker 3: aren't real. I don't date frivolously, and although I've had

933
00:41:17,400 --> 00:41:19,279
Speaker 3: a lot of first dates and four times as many

934
00:41:19,320 --> 00:41:21,919
Speaker 3: sex partners, my heart is alive for the first time

935
00:41:22,040 --> 00:41:24,759
Speaker 3: in two decades, when I had resigned myself to being

936
00:41:24,800 --> 00:41:28,759
Speaker 3: alone forever. I'm equally excited and hopeful and nervous as fuck.

937
00:41:28,840 --> 00:41:30,680
Speaker 3: Help me, Chelsea, You're my only hope.

938
00:41:30,840 --> 00:41:33,680
Speaker 2: Cee J Hi, Honey, Hi, cj.

939
00:41:33,920 --> 00:41:36,880
Speaker 6: Hi, Hey, everybody, thank you so much for having me

940
00:41:36,880 --> 00:41:37,719
Speaker 6: on I appreciate it.

941
00:41:38,360 --> 00:41:41,600
Speaker 1: Oh, thanks for coming on, and you're visiting your fellow

942
00:41:41,680 --> 00:41:42,040
Speaker 1: right now.

943
00:41:42,160 --> 00:41:45,680
Speaker 6: Right, I'm in North Carolina right now, he's right outside.

944
00:41:46,920 --> 00:41:48,319
Speaker 1: Should we get him on? Should we get him on

945
00:41:48,440 --> 00:41:50,239
Speaker 1: and just ask him what his intentions are.

946
00:41:51,520 --> 00:41:53,239
Speaker 6: I actually asked him and he was like, I can't

947
00:41:53,239 --> 00:41:55,279
Speaker 6: talk to Chelsea. I'm so scared. No, I can't. I

948
00:41:55,320 --> 00:41:57,080
Speaker 6: can't to do it. So not an option.

949
00:41:57,200 --> 00:41:58,040
Speaker 2: Well send our love.

950
00:41:58,680 --> 00:42:00,480
Speaker 1: So how long? What's the duration of time that you

951
00:42:00,560 --> 00:42:03,880
Speaker 1: guys have now been together? Are you together now? Yes?

952
00:42:04,120 --> 00:42:07,319
Speaker 6: Yeah, yeah, yeah, we're we're officially together. It's been at

953
00:42:07,320 --> 00:42:09,919
Speaker 6: this point. Officially it's been about four or five months.

954
00:42:10,000 --> 00:42:12,560
Speaker 6: But like I said, we've known each other and had

955
00:42:12,600 --> 00:42:16,359
Speaker 6: this sort of like weirdness for probably the last two years.

956
00:42:16,360 --> 00:42:17,719
Speaker 6: They're very close friends.

957
00:42:18,560 --> 00:42:20,160
Speaker 1: Well, this sounds like a love story.

958
00:42:21,719 --> 00:42:24,120
Speaker 6: My big thing is like he's ready when I come

959
00:42:24,160 --> 00:42:27,680
Speaker 6: down here. I'll spend probably two to three weeks at

960
00:42:27,680 --> 00:42:31,320
Speaker 6: this point with no issue, you know, no fighting, no,

961
00:42:31,440 --> 00:42:35,040
Speaker 6: we just get along and it it all seems so

962
00:42:35,719 --> 00:42:39,040
Speaker 6: easy and simple, which is the weirdest thing for me

963
00:42:39,239 --> 00:42:43,359
Speaker 6: because it's never been easy or simple. And he's sort

964
00:42:43,360 --> 00:42:45,160
Speaker 6: of ready for me. He's like, why don't you just

965
00:42:45,200 --> 00:42:47,440
Speaker 6: come down here? Why are you still in New York City?

966
00:42:48,200 --> 00:42:50,160
Speaker 6: My big thing is I've been in New York City

967
00:42:50,440 --> 00:42:53,799
Speaker 6: for twenty seven years now. I've been in the same

968
00:42:53,840 --> 00:42:57,800
Speaker 6: apartment for twenty years. My rent is eleven hundred dollars.

969
00:42:58,400 --> 00:43:01,719
Speaker 6: So if I leave New York City, it's got to

970
00:43:01,760 --> 00:43:04,359
Speaker 6: be for It's got to be for good, Like it's

971
00:43:04,400 --> 00:43:06,440
Speaker 6: got to be for keeps. And I just don't know

972
00:43:06,480 --> 00:43:08,399
Speaker 6: that I'm ready to do that yet.

973
00:43:09,160 --> 00:43:10,879
Speaker 4: I have a thought, well, I have a couple of thoughts,

974
00:43:10,920 --> 00:43:12,640
Speaker 4: Like there's a practical side of my brain, and then

975
00:43:12,680 --> 00:43:14,640
Speaker 4: there's like the part of me that loves love stories,

976
00:43:14,680 --> 00:43:17,800
Speaker 4: part of my brain which is going to lead the charge.

977
00:43:17,640 --> 00:43:19,879
Speaker 4: One of the thoughts I'm having is that a lot

978
00:43:19,880 --> 00:43:24,280
Speaker 4: of trans people in my experience are resistant to ease.

979
00:43:24,600 --> 00:43:27,080
Speaker 4: And the reason is because we're so not used to

980
00:43:27,120 --> 00:43:29,719
Speaker 4: it right when we when we experience it, we're like, wait,

981
00:43:29,760 --> 00:43:31,799
Speaker 4: this isn't it like that? We can't I can't have this,

982
00:43:32,080 --> 00:43:34,520
Speaker 4: I don't deserve this. I'm not ready for this. What

983
00:43:34,560 --> 00:43:36,400
Speaker 4: if it breaks right? What if it isn't what it

984
00:43:36,480 --> 00:43:39,200
Speaker 4: looks like? And I heard a lot of that through

985
00:43:39,239 --> 00:43:42,000
Speaker 4: your email and also as you were talking. And one

986
00:43:42,040 --> 00:43:44,279
Speaker 4: of my favorite quotes from a friend of mine who's

987
00:43:44,600 --> 00:43:47,040
Speaker 4: a black trans woman who's also an advocate. She's an artist,

988
00:43:47,280 --> 00:43:49,600
Speaker 4: she does a lot of amazing worker names Mi La

989
00:43:49,640 --> 00:43:51,680
Speaker 4: Jam And she said to me, her wish for the

990
00:43:51,719 --> 00:43:55,960
Speaker 4: world is to have transjoy be familiar, right, And I

991
00:43:56,000 --> 00:43:59,279
Speaker 4: think that you're unfamiliar with transjoy. I don't know you

992
00:43:59,280 --> 00:44:01,640
Speaker 4: all that well, but I guess is that you're unfamiliar

993
00:44:01,640 --> 00:44:03,960
Speaker 4: with it because most of us are, and in that

994
00:44:04,080 --> 00:44:07,000
Speaker 4: we often will reject things that seem too good. So

995
00:44:07,280 --> 00:44:09,400
Speaker 4: I think that's like the love side of me and

996
00:44:09,480 --> 00:44:12,399
Speaker 4: like the wanting you to like dive into that transjoy

997
00:44:12,480 --> 00:44:15,520
Speaker 4: and just whatever joy you have and let yourself be

998
00:44:15,640 --> 00:44:18,480
Speaker 4: loved and let yourself love. And there's a practical side

999
00:44:18,520 --> 00:44:22,279
Speaker 4: of me that's like you also are allowed to be calculated,

1000
00:44:22,320 --> 00:44:24,399
Speaker 4: but with how much risk you take, right, how much

1001
00:44:24,440 --> 00:44:27,000
Speaker 4: risk you accept, because I think all relationships have the

1002
00:44:27,000 --> 00:44:29,640
Speaker 4: potential to fail, regardless of how good or honest they are.

1003
00:44:29,840 --> 00:44:32,439
Speaker 4: So instead of seeing it as like this is real

1004
00:44:32,560 --> 00:44:34,920
Speaker 4: versus not because it sounds real and I don't know

1005
00:44:34,920 --> 00:44:37,600
Speaker 4: if it's worth categorizing it as not, it's how much

1006
00:44:37,840 --> 00:44:40,680
Speaker 4: how much risk do you want to like assign it?

1007
00:44:40,719 --> 00:44:42,560
Speaker 4: Does that make sense? Like instead of real versus not,

1008
00:44:42,680 --> 00:44:45,120
Speaker 4: it's like how much do I do I gamble on this?

1009
00:44:45,360 --> 00:44:45,520
Speaker 6: Right?

1010
00:44:45,920 --> 00:44:48,240
Speaker 4: You will always be able to find another apartment, maybe

1011
00:44:48,280 --> 00:44:50,839
Speaker 4: not one for eleven hundred dollars, But is.

1012
00:44:50,760 --> 00:44:52,799
Speaker 1: There a scenario where you can go down there and

1013
00:44:52,840 --> 00:44:56,040
Speaker 1: just keep your apartment here for six months or something?

1014
00:44:56,200 --> 00:44:58,920
Speaker 6: I like that idea as far as what I'm aware of,

1015
00:44:58,960 --> 00:45:01,120
Speaker 6: And again I'm not al legal expert on this. From

1016
00:45:01,160 --> 00:45:03,120
Speaker 6: what I've heard, there's like some law in New York

1017
00:45:03,160 --> 00:45:06,080
Speaker 6: City where if you are away from your apartment four

1018
00:45:06,280 --> 00:45:08,560
Speaker 6: greater than six months out of the year, they can

1019
00:45:08,640 --> 00:45:09,759
Speaker 6: legally take it away from you.

1020
00:45:10,000 --> 00:45:11,640
Speaker 4: So let's just go back a couple of times.

1021
00:45:11,920 --> 00:45:15,040
Speaker 1: Yeah, I know that's who who cares? First of all,

1022
00:45:15,080 --> 00:45:17,400
Speaker 1: you don't need to do it for six months necessarily,

1023
00:45:17,480 --> 00:45:18,880
Speaker 1: Like you just want to go down there for a

1024
00:45:18,880 --> 00:45:20,799
Speaker 1: good duration of time. It could be three months, and

1025
00:45:20,800 --> 00:45:23,000
Speaker 1: then you could be like, yeah, I'm staying great. You

1026
00:45:23,000 --> 00:45:25,680
Speaker 1: don't have to give up your apartment to go experience this,

1027
00:45:25,880 --> 00:45:28,319
Speaker 1: especially when you're paying eleven hundred dollars a month. If

1028
00:45:28,360 --> 00:45:30,640
Speaker 1: you can afford to pay that, just keep your apartment.

1029
00:45:30,920 --> 00:45:32,759
Speaker 1: Who cares about the laws or the rules. You guys

1030
00:45:32,760 --> 00:45:34,719
Speaker 1: can come to New York for a weekend. I mean,

1031
00:45:35,080 --> 00:45:36,319
Speaker 1: you know, it's going to take a long time for

1032
00:45:36,360 --> 00:45:38,040
Speaker 1: someone to prove that you haven't been in your apartment

1033
00:45:38,160 --> 00:45:41,239
Speaker 1: for six months. And that person has nothing else going on.

1034
00:45:41,360 --> 00:45:46,320
Speaker 6: Also, and the good news is he lives rent free

1035
00:45:46,360 --> 00:45:47,960
Speaker 6: because of his jobs.

1036
00:45:47,719 --> 00:45:50,520
Speaker 1: So this is perfect. I don't know what the problem is.

1037
00:45:50,600 --> 00:45:53,279
Speaker 1: I really don't. I think you need to go down there,

1038
00:45:53,640 --> 00:45:56,080
Speaker 1: dive in. This is a love story. I'll be the

1039
00:45:56,160 --> 00:45:58,960
Speaker 1: romantic one in this situation and fucking go for it.

1040
00:45:59,040 --> 00:46:02,200
Speaker 1: Hold onto your apartment and that way you're and don't

1041
00:46:02,200 --> 00:46:04,200
Speaker 1: hang it over your partner's head. You know, don't be

1042
00:46:04,280 --> 00:46:05,919
Speaker 1: like I can go home any time I want. Don't

1043
00:46:05,920 --> 00:46:08,359
Speaker 1: be like that person. But I think what you just said,

1044
00:46:08,400 --> 00:46:11,360
Speaker 1: what Skyler just said about trans joy, you said it

1045
00:46:11,400 --> 00:46:13,879
Speaker 1: yourself like it's too easy. Well maybe that's the way

1046
00:46:13,880 --> 00:46:16,799
Speaker 1: it's supposed to be. Haven't you had enough to deal

1047
00:46:16,840 --> 00:46:19,719
Speaker 1: with I mean, come on, maybe you're being rewarded, you know,

1048
00:46:19,840 --> 00:46:22,040
Speaker 1: maybe this is your golden ticket and this is your

1049
00:46:22,120 --> 00:46:24,640
Speaker 1: life of ease and with somebody that sees you and

1050
00:46:24,640 --> 00:46:26,440
Speaker 1: loves you and that you feel the same way about

1051
00:46:26,800 --> 00:46:28,839
Speaker 1: I don't think there's a lot of risk involved in this,

1052
00:46:29,080 --> 00:46:31,719
Speaker 1: you know, I think you might just be creating, you know,

1053
00:46:32,480 --> 00:46:35,600
Speaker 1: like little hurdles because that might be your pattern and

1054
00:46:35,640 --> 00:46:36,640
Speaker 1: that might be what you're used to.

1055
00:46:37,320 --> 00:46:40,040
Speaker 6: Yeah, I think because we're both in therapy, you know,

1056
00:46:40,080 --> 00:46:42,960
Speaker 6: we don't obviously tell each other exactly what we tell

1057
00:46:43,000 --> 00:46:46,560
Speaker 6: our therapists and everything that our therapists tells us as well.

1058
00:46:46,640 --> 00:46:49,760
Speaker 6: But my therapist has been like, go towards the joy.

1059
00:46:49,880 --> 00:46:53,080
Speaker 6: If you're feeling joy about something, go towards it. If

1060
00:46:53,120 --> 00:46:56,640
Speaker 6: it's not hurting anybody, go towards that joy. Stop second

1061
00:46:56,760 --> 00:47:00,960
Speaker 6: guessing everything that's going on because it's it seems crazy.

1062
00:47:01,160 --> 00:47:03,200
Speaker 6: Just really go with it. The one thing that he

1063
00:47:03,239 --> 00:47:06,200
Speaker 6: and I said to each other very early on is

1064
00:47:07,000 --> 00:47:13,400
Speaker 6: we've never felt this safe with somebody before, both mentally, physically, everything.

1065
00:47:13,520 --> 00:47:18,160
Speaker 6: It just feels safe to be ourselves, share our thoughts,

1066
00:47:18,239 --> 00:47:22,759
Speaker 6: share our feelings, and that's just the most powerful thing

1067
00:47:22,800 --> 00:47:24,960
Speaker 6: that I've ever experienced in my life.

1068
00:47:25,200 --> 00:47:26,799
Speaker 4: I think you're writing your answer for us.

1069
00:47:27,560 --> 00:47:30,320
Speaker 1: You have your answer, you just needed confirmation and also

1070
00:47:31,480 --> 00:47:34,359
Speaker 1: focusing on the joy. That is something you should write

1071
00:47:34,400 --> 00:47:37,879
Speaker 1: down and remember because when you do focus, whatever you're

1072
00:47:37,920 --> 00:47:41,759
Speaker 1: going to focus on becomes greater and bigger. So if

1073
00:47:41,800 --> 00:47:44,080
Speaker 1: you're going to focus on all of the things that

1074
00:47:44,400 --> 00:47:47,080
Speaker 1: may or may not be wrong, then that's what becomes bigger.

1075
00:47:47,400 --> 00:47:49,680
Speaker 1: But when you allow yourself to be in a joyful

1076
00:47:49,719 --> 00:47:53,680
Speaker 1: place to enjoy this love, to enjoy the joy, that

1077
00:47:53,840 --> 00:47:56,600
Speaker 1: is the word of the year's joy. Joyfulness. How much

1078
00:47:56,680 --> 00:48:00,440
Speaker 1: joyfulness you're going to bring to people because you're experiencing joy.

1079
00:48:00,960 --> 00:48:04,239
Speaker 1: Focus on that what you just said, because that's powerful

1080
00:48:04,520 --> 00:48:07,040
Speaker 1: and your whole life can continue to be that way

1081
00:48:07,280 --> 00:48:09,080
Speaker 1: when you have that as the baseline.

1082
00:48:09,320 --> 00:48:11,719
Speaker 6: That sounds amazing. I feel like this is all coming together.

1083
00:48:11,760 --> 00:48:13,759
Speaker 6: I work from home, so that's why I'm able to

1084
00:48:13,760 --> 00:48:16,600
Speaker 6: come down here as much as I want and just

1085
00:48:16,760 --> 00:48:21,120
Speaker 6: work from here. And it's yeah, as usual, everything you

1086
00:48:21,120 --> 00:48:22,520
Speaker 6: said is spot on. Thank you.

1087
00:48:23,360 --> 00:48:25,839
Speaker 4: I think also like the feelings that you've got of

1088
00:48:25,880 --> 00:48:27,239
Speaker 4: like but what if it doesn't work? But what if

1089
00:48:27,239 --> 00:48:29,120
Speaker 4: I regret it? But what you know, all the what ifs,

1090
00:48:29,160 --> 00:48:31,440
Speaker 4: like you can also answer the what ifs. One of

1091
00:48:31,480 --> 00:48:33,279
Speaker 4: the things that I always teach people and I try

1092
00:48:33,320 --> 00:48:34,879
Speaker 4: to myself is if my brain is going what if,

1093
00:48:34,880 --> 00:48:36,719
Speaker 4: what if? What if? What if? Answer it? What is

1094
00:48:36,800 --> 00:48:38,239
Speaker 4: what is the answer? To the what if, what if

1095
00:48:38,239 --> 00:48:40,560
Speaker 4: it doesn't work out? Well, you know very well how

1096
00:48:40,600 --> 00:48:42,319
Speaker 4: to be on your own. You know how to take

1097
00:48:42,360 --> 00:48:44,680
Speaker 4: care of yourself in this in this like plan of

1098
00:48:44,800 --> 00:48:47,080
Speaker 4: keeping your apartment, you'll go back to your apartment. Right,

1099
00:48:47,160 --> 00:48:48,840
Speaker 4: You'll be able to figure it out because you're a

1100
00:48:48,840 --> 00:48:52,279
Speaker 4: grown adult that has a lot of great coping mechanisms. Clearly, right,

1101
00:48:52,360 --> 00:48:54,680
Speaker 4: So like answer the what if it's gonna be okay,

1102
00:48:54,719 --> 00:48:56,920
Speaker 4: you're gonna be okay. Well, it be sad, sure, but

1103
00:48:56,960 --> 00:48:59,080
Speaker 4: I think it's also worthwhile to be like, I actually

1104
00:48:59,120 --> 00:49:01,800
Speaker 4: have the tools to figure out how to move forwards

1105
00:49:01,800 --> 00:49:03,719
Speaker 4: if this doesn't work, And so why not go full

1106
00:49:03,760 --> 00:49:06,160
Speaker 4: into this because otherwise anxiety is going to be dragging

1107
00:49:06,200 --> 00:49:09,120
Speaker 4: you the whole time. So have anxiety sit there, answer

1108
00:49:09,160 --> 00:49:11,600
Speaker 4: anxiety's questions and be like, look, anxiety, I have got

1109
00:49:11,640 --> 00:49:13,719
Speaker 4: it right. I'm gonna be fine, and you're gonna be

1110
00:49:13,719 --> 00:49:15,919
Speaker 4: here advising me along the way. And I'm not gonna

1111
00:49:15,960 --> 00:49:18,000
Speaker 4: yell at you because I'm not going to belittle myself,

1112
00:49:18,280 --> 00:49:20,239
Speaker 4: but I am going to say you're here, I've got you,

1113
00:49:20,280 --> 00:49:21,680
Speaker 4: I answered your questions. Let's go.

1114
00:49:23,080 --> 00:49:25,600
Speaker 6: Yeah, that's been the biggest thing, is like separating what's

1115
00:49:25,600 --> 00:49:28,960
Speaker 6: anxiety and what's logic? Like, is this logically an issue

1116
00:49:29,280 --> 00:49:31,560
Speaker 6: or is this just my anxiety giving me shit? And

1117
00:49:31,600 --> 00:49:34,640
Speaker 6: I just you know, you can go away logic. Let's

1118
00:49:34,640 --> 00:49:36,960
Speaker 6: deal with logic and see if I can figure a

1119
00:49:37,000 --> 00:49:37,960
Speaker 6: way around the logic.

1120
00:49:38,640 --> 00:49:40,840
Speaker 1: Well, everything is pointing for you to move there, so

1121
00:49:41,040 --> 00:49:43,239
Speaker 1: just do it and hold on to your apartment for

1122
00:49:43,280 --> 00:49:45,240
Speaker 1: as long as you need to to make you feel okay,

1123
00:49:45,640 --> 00:49:47,200
Speaker 1: and then you can give it up or maybe I'll

1124
00:49:47,200 --> 00:49:47,799
Speaker 1: rent it from you.

1125
00:49:49,400 --> 00:49:51,240
Speaker 6: You're welcome to move in. It's fucking amazing.

1126
00:49:51,560 --> 00:49:52,879
Speaker 1: I've been dying to move to New York.

1127
00:49:53,280 --> 00:49:55,680
Speaker 4: You can sublet it, you know, there's there's lots of solutions.

1128
00:49:55,760 --> 00:49:57,640
Speaker 1: Yeah, who wouldn't want me as a tenant?

1129
00:49:59,200 --> 00:49:59,960
Speaker 4: That's a good question.

1130
00:50:00,880 --> 00:50:05,120
Speaker 1: Okay, you have your marching orders. Go be happy.

1131
00:50:05,360 --> 00:50:06,200
Speaker 4: Yeah, I'll do that.

1132
00:50:06,440 --> 00:50:07,880
Speaker 6: Absolutely, have a great day, everybody.

1133
00:50:07,960 --> 00:50:08,879
Speaker 4: Thank you you too.

1134
00:50:09,640 --> 00:50:10,000
Speaker 7: Bye.

1135
00:50:11,239 --> 00:50:11,960
Speaker 4: I love them.

1136
00:50:12,520 --> 00:50:13,560
Speaker 1: I love a love story.

1137
00:50:13,719 --> 00:50:16,760
Speaker 2: I know I'm like the person you've loved for two years.

1138
00:50:16,960 --> 00:50:19,440
Speaker 1: I mean, I don't know statistically what there is, but

1139
00:50:19,480 --> 00:50:21,799
Speaker 1: there is some sort of data that backs up if

1140
00:50:21,800 --> 00:50:23,640
Speaker 1: you know somebody for a period of time and then

1141
00:50:23,680 --> 00:50:26,920
Speaker 1: become romantically involved with them, there's a greater chance of success.

1142
00:50:27,040 --> 00:50:30,000
Speaker 1: I'm sure there's that relationship you have, the years long

1143
00:50:30,040 --> 00:50:33,080
Speaker 1: friendship with somebody. Those things are those relationships usually tend

1144
00:50:33,160 --> 00:50:33,719
Speaker 1: to work out.

1145
00:50:33,960 --> 00:50:36,839
Speaker 3: Yeah, let's take a quick break and we'll be right

1146
00:50:36,880 --> 00:50:39,000
Speaker 3: back to wrap up with Skyler and Chelsea.

1147
00:50:39,120 --> 00:50:44,520
Speaker 1: Great, and we're back.

1148
00:50:44,920 --> 00:50:49,640
Speaker 3: We are back with Skyler Baylor, and our last question

1149
00:50:49,680 --> 00:50:53,920
Speaker 3: comes from Angela. Angela says, Dear Chelsea, I recently married

1150
00:50:53,920 --> 00:50:56,080
Speaker 3: my husband, who happens to be one of the most

1151
00:50:56,080 --> 00:50:59,680
Speaker 3: incredible humans on earth. My problem is this, we met

1152
00:50:59,680 --> 00:51:02,520
Speaker 3: through our soccer community. Both of us love the sport

1153
00:51:02,560 --> 00:51:05,440
Speaker 3: and played at the collegiate level. While I'm ready to

1154
00:51:05,440 --> 00:51:08,520
Speaker 3: hang up the cleats, he isn't. He plays in three

1155
00:51:08,560 --> 00:51:12,160
Speaker 3: major men's tournaments a year, and those all take us

1156
00:51:12,160 --> 00:51:14,400
Speaker 3: out of state for four days at a time. I

1157
00:51:14,480 --> 00:51:16,800
Speaker 3: do love watching him play, and I enjoy the trips,

1158
00:51:17,120 --> 00:51:19,799
Speaker 3: But because he owns his own business, anytime he takes

1159
00:51:19,840 --> 00:51:23,040
Speaker 3: off is unpaid, and because of that, the only trips

1160
00:51:23,040 --> 00:51:26,080
Speaker 3: we take together are for his soccer tournaments. How do

1161
00:51:26,120 --> 00:51:28,799
Speaker 3: I continue to enjoy watching his games and traveling for

1162
00:51:28,840 --> 00:51:31,440
Speaker 3: his tournaments when we don't take any trips just the

1163
00:51:31,440 --> 00:51:33,680
Speaker 3: two of us. How do I get him to understand

1164
00:51:33,680 --> 00:51:35,800
Speaker 3: that I need a trip with my husband, no soccer

1165
00:51:35,840 --> 00:51:38,759
Speaker 3: schedule to abide by, no other friends around, without making

1166
00:51:38,760 --> 00:51:41,239
Speaker 3: it seem like those tournaments are out the window. You're

1167
00:51:41,280 --> 00:51:46,680
Speaker 3: the best, Angela on Skyler. I mean, you're the sports guy.

1168
00:51:46,840 --> 00:51:49,759
Speaker 1: I'm just gonna give this podcast to Skyler and let

1169
00:51:49,800 --> 00:51:51,879
Speaker 1: him deal with all of this because he's got better

1170
00:51:51,920 --> 00:51:54,160
Speaker 1: answers than I do. Skyler, why don't you go first?

1171
00:51:55,280 --> 00:51:58,960
Speaker 4: Yeah, that's it. So in my relationship, I'm like this

1172
00:51:59,000 --> 00:52:02,320
Speaker 4: person's husband and that I'm always busy. I'm self employed

1173
00:52:02,640 --> 00:52:04,480
Speaker 4: and large a lot of the travel that me and

1174
00:52:04,520 --> 00:52:06,920
Speaker 4: my partner do are because of the work that I do,

1175
00:52:07,040 --> 00:52:10,040
Speaker 4: and time that I take off is often for work

1176
00:52:10,080 --> 00:52:11,839
Speaker 4: and difficult to find time for us to do things

1177
00:52:11,840 --> 00:52:13,800
Speaker 4: on our own. It's actually been this is me disclosing

1178
00:52:13,840 --> 00:52:15,279
Speaker 4: a lot about my life, but it's been a big

1179
00:52:15,600 --> 00:52:17,680
Speaker 4: endeavor for me in the past like several years to

1180
00:52:17,719 --> 00:52:20,600
Speaker 4: figure out how to shift so that I can both

1181
00:52:21,040 --> 00:52:23,279
Speaker 4: make money right, which is important for me to live

1182
00:52:23,520 --> 00:52:25,200
Speaker 4: and for me and my partner to have our life,

1183
00:52:25,200 --> 00:52:27,200
Speaker 4: but it's also really important for me to take time

1184
00:52:27,239 --> 00:52:29,400
Speaker 4: for just me and just me and my partner, and

1185
00:52:29,440 --> 00:52:31,560
Speaker 4: it's hard so I want to first validate that it's hard,

1186
00:52:31,600 --> 00:52:34,959
Speaker 4: and it sounds like Angela really understands that. I think

1187
00:52:35,000 --> 00:52:37,319
Speaker 4: that the conversations that me and my partner had about

1188
00:52:37,320 --> 00:52:39,440
Speaker 4: this have been really powerful of her saying like, you

1189
00:52:39,520 --> 00:52:42,280
Speaker 4: need to find time for you, which does mean finding

1190
00:52:42,280 --> 00:52:45,040
Speaker 4: time for us together. And I've had to carve that out.

1191
00:52:45,120 --> 00:52:48,000
Speaker 4: And I don't know if this is like advice or

1192
00:52:48,040 --> 00:52:50,120
Speaker 4: if this is just like me relating and trying to

1193
00:52:50,160 --> 00:52:53,400
Speaker 4: provide some similarities here, but for me, I really had

1194
00:52:53,400 --> 00:52:54,960
Speaker 4: to decide, like what kind of life do I want

1195
00:52:54,960 --> 00:52:56,239
Speaker 4: to live? Do I want to live a life where

1196
00:52:56,239 --> 00:52:58,200
Speaker 4: I'm constantly saying, well, when I have time, will do

1197
00:52:58,239 --> 00:53:00,479
Speaker 4: the thing when I have time, will go out to dinner.

1198
00:53:00,480 --> 00:53:02,840
Speaker 4: When I have time, we'll take a trip to wherever

1199
00:53:02,880 --> 00:53:04,600
Speaker 4: we take a trip to right, Or do I want

1200
00:53:04,640 --> 00:53:06,440
Speaker 4: to live a life where like I'm actively doing the

1201
00:53:06,480 --> 00:53:08,600
Speaker 4: things that I want to do in my life. And

1202
00:53:08,760 --> 00:53:10,759
Speaker 4: I decided that I want the latter. I don't want

1203
00:53:10,800 --> 00:53:13,120
Speaker 4: to be constantly saying when I'm not busy, you know,

1204
00:53:13,239 --> 00:53:16,239
Speaker 4: next year, when the book is done, when whatever. And

1205
00:53:17,000 --> 00:53:19,000
Speaker 4: I have lived my life like that for probably more

1206
00:53:19,040 --> 00:53:21,960
Speaker 4: than a decade as an elite level athlete. As you know,

1207
00:53:21,960 --> 00:53:24,360
Speaker 4: I gave one hundred and two speeches before I graduated from

1208
00:53:24,440 --> 00:53:26,400
Speaker 4: college from Harvard. So I was doing a lot of things,

1209
00:53:26,440 --> 00:53:27,719
Speaker 4: and I've always done a lot of things, and my

1210
00:53:27,719 --> 00:53:29,080
Speaker 4: wife has said, but what about you?

1211
00:53:29,160 --> 00:53:29,319
Speaker 6: Right?

1212
00:53:29,360 --> 00:53:31,960
Speaker 4: What about your life and what you enjoy? And so

1213
00:53:32,040 --> 00:53:34,640
Speaker 4: now we actively have to look at the calendar and

1214
00:53:34,640 --> 00:53:36,359
Speaker 4: say where can I put in time? That's just us

1215
00:53:36,560 --> 00:53:40,480
Speaker 4: and that does mean also budgeting appropriately, It means carving

1216
00:53:40,480 --> 00:53:42,640
Speaker 4: out the time. But most importantly, and this is where

1217
00:53:42,640 --> 00:53:45,760
Speaker 4: I think the advice comes into Angela, it actually requires

1218
00:53:45,800 --> 00:53:49,040
Speaker 4: both people being really committed to doing that. And I

1219
00:53:49,080 --> 00:53:52,040
Speaker 4: will disclose again my wife has had frustrations with me

1220
00:53:52,080 --> 00:53:54,480
Speaker 4: where she said, you aren't as committed to this as

1221
00:53:54,560 --> 00:53:56,200
Speaker 4: I am. Right, you aren't making the space and the

1222
00:53:56,239 --> 00:53:58,839
Speaker 4: time to do these things. And when she said that,

1223
00:53:59,080 --> 00:54:00,600
Speaker 4: it really hit me because I was like, wait, no,

1224
00:54:00,640 --> 00:54:04,240
Speaker 4: that's not My priorities aren't actually what my actions are declaring.

1225
00:54:04,320 --> 00:54:06,400
Speaker 4: So I have to figure out how to adjust my

1226
00:54:06,480 --> 00:54:09,319
Speaker 4: actions so that they align with my declared priorities, which

1227
00:54:09,400 --> 00:54:13,160
Speaker 4: does involve my own joy and my partner together, right.

1228
00:54:13,040 --> 00:54:16,319
Speaker 1: Yeah, and creating joy and compromise. Yeah, obviously there's sacrifices

1229
00:54:16,400 --> 00:54:19,040
Speaker 1: to be made in all relationships, and it's about you know,

1230
00:54:19,120 --> 00:54:21,520
Speaker 1: you going the only time you and your partner going

1231
00:54:21,520 --> 00:54:25,480
Speaker 1: on vacation together for his soccer games. Doesn't sound like

1232
00:54:25,520 --> 00:54:28,360
Speaker 1: a compromise on his behalf, you know. It sounds like

1233
00:54:28,440 --> 00:54:29,319
Speaker 1: you're just you know.

1234
00:54:29,520 --> 00:54:30,839
Speaker 4: Whatever, she's along for the ride.

1235
00:54:31,040 --> 00:54:33,320
Speaker 1: Yeah, so he's going to have to meet you somewhere

1236
00:54:33,360 --> 00:54:34,920
Speaker 1: like halfway in the middle, and you guys have to

1237
00:54:34,960 --> 00:54:37,680
Speaker 1: figure out a system where you're getting your needs met

1238
00:54:37,719 --> 00:54:40,440
Speaker 1: and he can still play soccer, but maybe not four times,

1239
00:54:40,520 --> 00:54:43,520
Speaker 1: you know, not four games or however frequent. You know,

1240
00:54:43,600 --> 00:54:46,120
Speaker 1: a weekend that's just too that's not fair to you

1241
00:54:46,760 --> 00:54:47,160
Speaker 1: at all.

1242
00:54:47,600 --> 00:54:50,239
Speaker 3: So I went through something similar when Brad and I

1243
00:54:50,280 --> 00:54:53,279
Speaker 3: were first dating. After we've been dating about a year,

1244
00:54:53,400 --> 00:54:58,160
Speaker 3: you know, he was playing music every weekend, and so

1245
00:54:58,239 --> 00:55:01,440
Speaker 3: all of his evenings and weekends and holidays were spent working.

1246
00:55:01,960 --> 00:55:04,560
Speaker 3: And I was finding that, like I was left without

1247
00:55:04,560 --> 00:55:07,960
Speaker 3: a date to every wedding and every everything. And so

1248
00:55:08,239 --> 00:55:10,440
Speaker 3: we sort of worked at a deal where like I

1249
00:55:10,520 --> 00:55:13,440
Speaker 3: got three days a year that I could ask him

1250
00:55:13,480 --> 00:55:16,960
Speaker 3: to cancel work, and you know, obviously wouldn't be getting

1251
00:55:16,960 --> 00:55:19,239
Speaker 3: paid for that time, but he would accompany me to

1252
00:55:19,480 --> 00:55:22,200
Speaker 3: the event of my choosing, and so maybe there's something

1253
00:55:22,239 --> 00:55:25,120
Speaker 3: similar for you guys. Maybe it's okay for every two

1254
00:55:25,200 --> 00:55:27,560
Speaker 3: days we spend on a soccer trip, I get one

1255
00:55:27,640 --> 00:55:30,879
Speaker 3: day of vacation with you, and those accumulate over time.

1256
00:55:31,280 --> 00:55:32,640
Speaker 3: You might make a little game out of it.

1257
00:55:33,120 --> 00:55:36,040
Speaker 1: People's interests also change and develop over time, and the

1258
00:55:36,040 --> 00:55:39,719
Speaker 1: whole idea of being in a couple is to grow

1259
00:55:39,760 --> 00:55:44,239
Speaker 1: together and to evolve together. You don't stay the same forever,

1260
00:55:44,520 --> 00:55:46,960
Speaker 1: and so it's about what you're willing to do in

1261
00:55:47,040 --> 00:55:49,799
Speaker 1: terms of compromise and sacrifice, and that has to be

1262
00:55:49,800 --> 00:55:51,520
Speaker 1: part of the equation in our relationship.

1263
00:55:51,880 --> 00:55:55,160
Speaker 4: I think it's also about, you know, asking him what

1264
00:55:55,320 --> 00:55:58,399
Speaker 4: his priorities are and do they align with yours. I mean,

1265
00:55:58,440 --> 00:56:01,040
Speaker 4: I think like that some of the most difficult conversations

1266
00:56:01,080 --> 00:56:03,520
Speaker 4: they're not actually about the actions, right. People don't get

1267
00:56:03,520 --> 00:56:06,759
Speaker 4: into fights because a specific action is a problem. It's

1268
00:56:06,760 --> 00:56:09,640
Speaker 4: a repeated issue or it's a repeated tension because there's

1269
00:56:09,640 --> 00:56:12,480
Speaker 4: something underlying that. And so you know, in my life

1270
00:56:12,480 --> 00:56:15,160
Speaker 4: that's in my current relationship, it's been that my actions

1271
00:56:15,200 --> 00:56:17,320
Speaker 4: weren't aligned with my declared priorities of I want to

1272
00:56:17,360 --> 00:56:19,359
Speaker 4: spend time with you, but then I'm not actually making time.

1273
00:56:19,560 --> 00:56:21,760
Speaker 4: And so when I realize that, I've been like, Okay,

1274
00:56:21,840 --> 00:56:24,279
Speaker 4: let me shift right my actions so they align. But

1275
00:56:24,360 --> 00:56:26,520
Speaker 4: if somebody is not willing to make that shift so

1276
00:56:26,560 --> 00:56:29,560
Speaker 4: that your priorities can be somewhat in alignment, then that's

1277
00:56:29,600 --> 00:56:31,279
Speaker 4: a big that's a big problem. And I think it

1278
00:56:31,280 --> 00:56:35,399
Speaker 4: would be about really asking Angela's husband, you know, are

1279
00:56:35,440 --> 00:56:37,600
Speaker 4: you willing to make these adjustments so that we can

1280
00:56:37,640 --> 00:56:40,160
Speaker 4: be here together? And Angela, are you willing to actually

1281
00:56:40,160 --> 00:56:42,320
Speaker 4: share what the feelings are that you're having, because a

1282
00:56:42,320 --> 00:56:44,120
Speaker 4: lot of people will come to these conversations being like,

1283
00:56:44,239 --> 00:56:46,280
Speaker 4: you aren't doing enough for me. You know you don't.

1284
00:56:46,320 --> 00:56:48,040
Speaker 4: You don't make time for us to go on trips,

1285
00:56:48,040 --> 00:56:50,600
Speaker 4: and you are playing too much soccer. Instead of saying

1286
00:56:50,680 --> 00:56:53,040
Speaker 4: I feel neglected. I don't feel like I have enough

1287
00:56:53,040 --> 00:56:55,640
Speaker 4: time with you. I would like to go to Phoenix

1288
00:56:55,760 --> 00:56:57,520
Speaker 4: or to I don't know that's where I want to

1289
00:56:57,560 --> 00:57:00,000
Speaker 4: go clearly, but wherever you would like to go, right,

1290
00:57:00,239 --> 00:57:02,719
Speaker 4: Can you say what you want? Because maybe there are

1291
00:57:02,719 --> 00:57:04,879
Speaker 4: other ways that you know you two could meet those

1292
00:57:04,880 --> 00:57:07,880
Speaker 4: needs together that that would be a collaborative effort.

1293
00:57:08,200 --> 00:57:10,759
Speaker 1: Yeah, I love that I love that you've given such

1294
00:57:10,760 --> 00:57:13,920
Speaker 1: good advice today. I mean, honestly, it's really impressive. I

1295
00:57:13,920 --> 00:57:16,600
Speaker 1: guess I'm really missing out on a Harvard education because

1296
00:57:17,520 --> 00:57:20,880
Speaker 1: you're just I mean, you're just great at giving information.

1297
00:57:21,000 --> 00:57:25,120
Speaker 1: And also it's very empathetic. Everything you've said, you know,

1298
00:57:25,200 --> 00:57:28,040
Speaker 1: and you look at it from like two different angles.

1299
00:57:28,120 --> 00:57:30,160
Speaker 1: I like the way that you think and address things.

1300
00:57:30,160 --> 00:57:30,520
Speaker 4: Thank you.

1301
00:57:30,600 --> 00:57:32,720
Speaker 1: So I appreciate having you here today. Thank you.

1302
00:57:32,800 --> 00:57:33,760
Speaker 4: I appreciate you having.

1303
00:57:33,600 --> 00:57:35,000
Speaker 1: And I'm going to see you in Boston at one

1304
00:57:35,040 --> 00:57:35,439
Speaker 1: of my shows.

1305
00:57:35,480 --> 00:57:37,000
Speaker 4: Yes, I would love you up with some tickets.

1306
00:57:37,040 --> 00:57:39,840
Speaker 1: Catherine, we'll handle that, Yes, please sure, so I can

1307
00:57:39,880 --> 00:57:40,480
Speaker 1: meet your wife.

1308
00:57:40,640 --> 00:57:40,920
Speaker 4: Yes.

1309
00:57:40,960 --> 00:57:43,200
Speaker 1: And this was a great episode. Thank you so much.

1310
00:57:43,320 --> 00:57:44,720
Speaker 4: Thank you for your time, Thank you for all the

1311
00:57:44,760 --> 00:57:45,200
Speaker 4: work you do.

1312
00:57:45,440 --> 00:57:49,000
Speaker 1: Amen. Amen, everyone, that's how we're going to end this

1313
00:57:49,040 --> 00:57:53,200
Speaker 1: from now on. Amen. Okay. Second shows have been added

1314
00:57:53,640 --> 00:57:55,200
Speaker 1: for those of you coming to see my new stand

1315
00:57:55,280 --> 00:57:57,160
Speaker 1: up tour, which you have to come because I'm having

1316
00:57:57,160 --> 00:57:59,680
Speaker 1: the best time. We added a second show in Cincinnati

1317
00:58:00,120 --> 00:58:03,720
Speaker 1: daytime at five o'clock PM. I'm doing my first show

1318
00:58:03,800 --> 00:58:06,040
Speaker 1: because I don't have a night where I can go back,

1319
00:58:06,080 --> 00:58:08,000
Speaker 1: so we added a second show at five PM, and

1320
00:58:08,240 --> 00:58:11,040
Speaker 1: the original show is at APM. Original show is sold out.

1321
00:58:11,440 --> 00:58:15,440
Speaker 1: Second show tickets are available Cincinnati. I'm also coming to Chicago,

1322
00:58:15,560 --> 00:58:19,920
Speaker 1: the Chicago Theater, Portland, Oregon, San Francisco. They're both almost

1323
00:58:19,920 --> 00:58:22,440
Speaker 1: completely sold out and you can go to Chelsea Hamler

1324
00:58:22,480 --> 00:58:25,560
Speaker 1: dot com for other tickets and other information And if

1325
00:58:25,600 --> 00:58:27,280
Speaker 1: you want to buy some of our merch, that's all

1326
00:58:27,280 --> 00:58:32,720
Speaker 1: available on Chelseahandler dot com. And yeah, guys, I'll see

1327
00:58:32,720 --> 00:58:33,280
Speaker 1: you on the road.

1328
00:58:34,240 --> 00:58:36,600
Speaker 3: If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email

1329
00:58:36,640 --> 00:58:39,680
Speaker 3: at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and be

1330
00:58:39,720 --> 00:58:42,760
Speaker 3: sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited

1331
00:58:42,800 --> 00:58:46,440
Speaker 3: and engineered by Brad Dickert executive producer Catherine Law and

1332
00:58:46,520 --> 00:58:48,919
Speaker 3: be sure to check out our merch at Chelseahandler dot

1333
00:58:48,960 --> 00:58:49,760
Speaker 3: com