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Speaker 1: So, y'all, it really amazes me when people are surprised

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Speaker 1: that I own my sexy after growing and birthing three boys,

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Speaker 1: because how in the hell do you think they got here?

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Speaker 1: Dead ass? Hey, I'm Cadeine and we're the ellis Is.

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Speaker 1: You may know us from posting funny videos without boys

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Speaker 1: and reading each other publicly as a form of wit

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Speaker 1: are making me derby most days. Oh and one more

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Speaker 1: important thing to mention, we're married, Yes, sir, we all.

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Speaker 1: We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of

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Speaker 1: life's most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to

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Speaker 1: talk about through the lens of a millennium married couple.

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Speaker 1: Dead ass is a term that we say every day.

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Speaker 1: So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying fast

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Speaker 1: the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

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Speaker 1: We're about to take pillow Talk to a whole new level.

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Speaker 1: Dead at starts right now. It was a random Sunday afternoon,

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Speaker 1: and I remember getting a call from my manager and

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Speaker 1: you know, we were working on like different brands that

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Speaker 1: I can, you know, pitch myself to working on brand

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Speaker 1: partnerships because typically when I'm looking to partner with a brand,

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Speaker 1: it has to be organic and authentic to me, my lifestyle,

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Speaker 1: my narrative, everything that encompasses Codeine the workwoman, the mom,

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Speaker 1: the wife. So she said to me, you know, Cadeine,

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Speaker 1: I feel like we may have to put a little

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Speaker 1: bit more diverse content on your page because some of

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Speaker 1: the feedback that I've been getting from these brands, um

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Speaker 1: is that you know, Canein's page is awesome. You know,

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Speaker 1: she has lots of followers, you know, great engagement, but

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Speaker 1: her page is a little risk So I was like,

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Speaker 1: risk a, what does because I post swimsuits and whatnot,

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Speaker 1: and because I, you know, own my sexy which I

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Speaker 1: think I'm allowed to do. And she said, yeah, you know,

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Speaker 1: so maybe we should post more pictures of like you

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Speaker 1: with the boys, you know, at home doing some cooking

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Speaker 1: or baking together, you know, the kids on the playground.

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Speaker 1: That will probably diversify your page and make it then

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Speaker 1: more you know, appetizing and appealing to these brands. So

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Speaker 1: I kind of was like, all right, UM, process that

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Speaker 1: for a second, and I'm like, you know what, that's cool.

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Speaker 1: Let me call up my photographer and I was like,

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Speaker 1: you know what, we can plant some kids centered activities

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Speaker 1: that we can then post you know, me doing or

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Speaker 1: post me in the kitchen and whatnot, because that's what

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Speaker 1: I guess moms are supposed to do. Right then, I

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Speaker 1: was like, it's not that. What I'm not gonna do

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Speaker 1: is now curtail my content to then put up this

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Speaker 1: facade or this image of what they feel a mother is,

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Speaker 1: and I'm not gonna, you know, be in the realm

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Speaker 1: of what that is to them who are where these

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Speaker 1: said brands are. And it was so funny because literally

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Speaker 1: a couple of minutes later, my husband sitting next to

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Speaker 1: me on the couch and I hadn't told him about

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Speaker 1: this conversation I'm having via text with our manager. So

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Speaker 1: he busts out laughing and I'm like, what are you

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Speaker 1: laughing at? So he shows me a d M from

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Speaker 1: someone person that follows I guess, the both of us.

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Speaker 1: And it's a screenshot of a photo that I posted

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Speaker 1: in a swimsuit and I was posing on a rock.

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Speaker 1: You know, I dropped it because y'all know I drop it. Okay,

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Speaker 1: that's just something that I do on demand at any

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Speaker 1: given time. Um, because you know my NY's work. Do

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Speaker 1: you know my husband likes it? So they sent the

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Speaker 1: picture to my husband and then said, Wow, look at

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Speaker 1: your wife posing on this rock. Why do you allow

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Speaker 1: her to do things like that? Allow is the key

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Speaker 1: word there. So I'm gonna just leave storytime right there,

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Speaker 1: and we're gonna come back and discuss it. All right,

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Speaker 1: y'all karaoke time, And if you have read the description

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Speaker 1: of today's episodes, you might know who I have coming

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Speaker 1: on to Mike, because I mean, listen, let's face it,

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Speaker 1: When I have such talent in my space, why would

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Speaker 1: I get on the microphone and attempt to do anything

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Speaker 1: but talk to y'all. So that being said, I'm going

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Speaker 1: to turn it over to one of our amazing guests

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Speaker 1: that I have today with me that I'm happy to

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Speaker 1: welcome back to the show. What's what's she gonna? What's

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Speaker 1: she gonna sing for us today? Man? Well, you know,

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Speaker 1: since all these people want to be coming and giving

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Speaker 1: their opinions, we're gonna take it a little pop rock

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Speaker 1: and we're gonna tell them it's my life, Hey do

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Speaker 1: to fucking last time I checked? Oh, it's my life

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Speaker 1: all right? Now? All right, I don't know what the

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Speaker 1: last line is there, but it's my life. Mind your business,

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Speaker 1: that's it. That's it. Let me tell you this has

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Speaker 1: been a long time coming. Okay, guys, because I've wanted

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Speaker 1: Ashley and I had to get on this podcast together.

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Speaker 1: And I knew she had to come on for a

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Speaker 1: girl's episode because the thing I admire and love so

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Speaker 1: much about you, Ashley, um with your presence on social media,

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Speaker 1: because that's for the most part where I found you

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Speaker 1: with the accept seeing you at the Black Love Summit

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Speaker 1: a couple. Is it a year now? I think so?

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Speaker 1: Who knows because this has been an um but since

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Speaker 1: then I've been You're one of my favorite follows on Instagram.

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Speaker 1: So you'll have to me. She'll get her handles and

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Speaker 1: stuff at the end of the show. But Ashley Chia,

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Speaker 1: please tell us who you are, what you do, your superpower?

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Speaker 1: That's all the question. Well, first, my name is Ashley Chia.

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Speaker 1: I'm originally from Columbus, Ohio. I've been living in Cali

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Speaker 1: for six years. I'm a former ballet dancer. I'm a

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Speaker 1: writer and author, a mother of three daughters. Um, I'm

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Speaker 1: currently working on a TV S group, which is amazing. So, like,

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Speaker 1: I think that's important. I always say that so I

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Speaker 1: can make habit put it out there baby. Yeah, so

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Speaker 1: I'm mostly a writer, but I mean, you know what,

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Speaker 1: my best friend's dad called me an instigator of change. Yes,

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Speaker 1: I like to push people to be better and to

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Speaker 1: just you know, like, let's question things and not just

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Speaker 1: be followers. So I love that, feel like that's my

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Speaker 1: purpose in life. I appreciate that about she actually, and

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Speaker 1: we have a Sagittarius Capricorn situation here right now on

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Speaker 1: my mom to Capricorn, my grandmother is so I'm always

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Speaker 1: in good company with amazing Capricorn women. I mean, y'alla,

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Speaker 1: so your mom's just killed. She was a better woman

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Speaker 1: than me. I will say that and do my a

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Speaker 1: lest now back back on the show it Melanie Fiona, Hey, hey,

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Speaker 1: what's on? Just craving a routy and a double quick

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Speaker 1: so I even find it me to jeez, well, yes,

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Speaker 1: I that's that's my part time voice, Melanie Fiona. What's

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Speaker 1: up everybody? Um? Singer, songwriter, mother, wellness advocate. Um, I

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Speaker 1: am a cancer so you know we'd be in the field,

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Speaker 1: would be in the film my sister. But uh but

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Speaker 1: really I'm just like my passion really is is community,

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Speaker 1: and my passion is vulnerability, and my passion is allowing

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Speaker 1: women to feel strong through vulnerability, and that's kind of

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Speaker 1: what motherhood has taught me. That's what my career has

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Speaker 1: taught me, and that's what you beautiful women have taught me.

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Speaker 1: So um, I'm happy to be back. This is this

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Speaker 1: is fun. The last time I was here, we got

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Speaker 1: into deep conversations about marriage, which my wedding did not happen.

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Speaker 1: We're all together, we're still together, but you know COVID.

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Speaker 1: COVID had other plans for our wedding dates, so that

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Speaker 1: was the last time we spoke. But we're right. We

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Speaker 1: were actually having like our like a bridle shower episode

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Speaker 1: because it was supposed to be for Mel's wedding and

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Speaker 1: all of that has gone to ship. However, we still

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Speaker 1: got our man's We still got the man and the

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Speaker 1: same amount of children. So because you know, there's a

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Speaker 1: lot of there's a lot of COVID babies happening right now,

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Speaker 1: it was safe to say. And last was certainly not

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Speaker 1: least be gross. Nan, I'm sorry, but gross, I should

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Speaker 1: say not gross? Dr Gross? Was my dentist be gross? Yeah?

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Speaker 1: I love it, So tell us tell us little about

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Speaker 1: who you are back. Well, my name's Beck. I'm a cancer,

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Speaker 1: that amazing energy cancer. We have a lot of cancers

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Speaker 1: in my family. Lance as a cancer cancer, my cancer,

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Speaker 1: and my sister and sisters in law they're twins, there

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Speaker 1: are cancer. We have all those birthdays in one week.

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Speaker 1: But it's great. I'm a wardrobe stylist, fashion stylist. I'm

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Speaker 1: a mother of two. I have a son who's two

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Speaker 1: years old. I have a daughter who's five going on six,

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Speaker 1: really going on fifteen, like you know mothers of daughters now. Um,

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Speaker 1: but yeah, I mean, I'm in the fashion world. But

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Speaker 1: what my true passion is is helping women and uplifting women.

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Speaker 1: And my hopes is always to use my platform to

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Speaker 1: do that. And you show you're an advocate because your

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Speaker 1: platform to say that about yourself just say for you,

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Speaker 1: thanks an advocate and you shall follow her. Yes, all

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Speaker 1: things amazing, all things of the fight. Yes, I guess

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Speaker 1: it just like naturally happens and it's you know, it's

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Speaker 1: just fighting for what's right. And yes, this some stuff

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Speaker 1: you just can't fake. It is what it is, you

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Speaker 1: know what I mean? And I love that you embrace

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Speaker 1: that and you're empowering on through that. Um. I'm like

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Speaker 1: that's happening where I was like, you know, let me

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Speaker 1: go to backs page. I know she posted about it,

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Speaker 1: So I love that. I mean, think about this energy.

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Speaker 1: I could just feel it in the room and we've,

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Speaker 1: like Melanie said, I don't know this off camera before

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Speaker 1: or not, but the fact that we can gather together

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Speaker 1: in a space like this, I think it's amazing. So

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Speaker 1: thank you again for being here. You bringing U no doubt.

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Speaker 1: But listen, I'm gonna go back to the story. Sound

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Speaker 1: real quick rewind. So, yes, the the phrase you allow

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Speaker 1: your wife that word to do this? Did that struggle?

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Speaker 1: That struggle chord with you all? Because I felt it,

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Speaker 1: you know, I was looking to my left. How did

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Speaker 1: that make you feel? Actually? When when people say your

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Speaker 1: husband allows you to do something, well, I'm a Capricorn,

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Speaker 1: so no one allows me to do anything. Okay, um,

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Speaker 1: but it's interesting that you say that too, because I

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Speaker 1: had to go on a journey of submission anyways, and

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Speaker 1: what that means, and there's beauty in it. Because I

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Speaker 1: was raised my father's in my life, I always have

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Speaker 1: to say that same so I'm here is something and

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Speaker 1: I said I was raised by a single mom. He

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Speaker 1: gets mad but I was raised primarily by my mom

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Speaker 1: because that's who I lived with primarily. But my dad

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Speaker 1: was definitely in my life. But I think that played

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Speaker 1: a role in me being able to receive information from

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Speaker 1: in any way and being told what to do and

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Speaker 1: being led by a man. So I definitely had to

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Speaker 1: go on a journey of being able to just accept

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Speaker 1: advice or anything from males. But when I went into

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Speaker 1: my relationship with my husband, we were friends for four

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Speaker 1: years prior to us being together, so I think that

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Speaker 1: helped with us being very candid and open and honest

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Speaker 1: with each other. Um, but he I don't let anyone

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Speaker 1: tell me what to do, like he knows he has

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Speaker 1: to strongly suggest something and leave it on the table

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Speaker 1: and then let me come back to it. So I

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Speaker 1: felt a way about that because I think people really

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Speaker 1: believe that, and some people believe that, and that's fine.

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Speaker 1: I don't believe that I am my husband's property or

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Speaker 1: that he owns me, or that he tells me what

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Speaker 1: to do. I think we are two equal souls, and

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Speaker 1: there's parts of him that he's better at things than me,

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Speaker 1: and vice versa, and we feed off of one another.

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Speaker 1: I don't live in a household of gender roles. Either

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Speaker 1: it's like whoever's better equipped to do something, that's the

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Speaker 1: person who does in that moment, So there it's not.

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Speaker 1: And then when it comes to like how I express myself,

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Speaker 1: he doesn't have a say so in that, do you

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Speaker 1: know what I mean? Like because I would never tell

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Speaker 1: him what to do, Like he doesn't even tell me

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Speaker 1: like how to wear him. I actually don't even ask

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Speaker 1: him his opinion about stuff because I don't care. I

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Speaker 1: love that, which is my husband would agree, and he

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Speaker 1: would be like, you know what, actually, thank you for

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Speaker 1: admitting that, because with me, I'll ask for the opinion

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Speaker 1: just because I tend to be a little bit more indecisive,

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Speaker 1: sound like what do you think stud earrings? Or and

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Speaker 1: then and I'll go with my decisions. I want to hear.

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Speaker 1: I want to hear your opinion. How do you hear?

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna do any I got an argument for whatever

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Speaker 1: you said that, whatever you chose, I got a reason

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Speaker 1: why I should be the other one. So that's funny.

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Speaker 1: My husband is actually the opposite though, Like he literally

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Speaker 1: asked me my opinion about everything, and it drives me crazy.

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Speaker 1: I'm like, well, what do you want to do, like

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Speaker 1: I don't even like when people ask me for advice,

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Speaker 1: sometimes because I'm like, do you not what is in

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Speaker 1: your spear? It? Mostly because I just want him to

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Speaker 1: be him, like I love you. I don't care about

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Speaker 1: any of that, you know what I mean? Like what

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Speaker 1: pants you wear? By all his clothes anyway, So whatever

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Speaker 1: you wears, will we fly. I made sure that already

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Speaker 1: love it doesn't matter because it's from an already approve

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Speaker 1: arsenal exactly. I love that. So the dynamics are very different.

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Speaker 1: What I appreciate about my husband is that he actually

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Speaker 1: empowers me as well to be who I am. I

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Speaker 1: would like to say that he hopefully fell in love

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Speaker 1: with me for the person that I am. So I

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Speaker 1: will say that eighteen year old Codine is not twenty

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Speaker 1: eight year old Cadine. It is not Codeine today, um

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Speaker 1: not quite thirty eight. But you know we're pacing ourselves there,

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Speaker 1: We're pacing ourselves. So how do you guys feel about that?

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Speaker 1: Melanie in back? Either you can jump in about this whole.

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Speaker 1: You know what your husband allows you to do? How

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Speaker 1: does it work within your household? In dynamic? I think

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Speaker 1: the word allow is a trigger, right like I think

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Speaker 1: that's the problem because I think that that you know,

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Speaker 1: like I do care about what my husband has to think,

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Speaker 1: and he cares about what I have to think, and

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Speaker 1: I'm open to a discussion, and I'm open to a conversation,

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Speaker 1: and like, you know, I think allow is this is

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Speaker 1: the trigger word because you know, there's certain things like

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Speaker 1: if I just decided that I want to go out

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Speaker 1: and get drunk every single night and he doesn't approve

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Speaker 1: of that, I might consider that right, right, And so

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Speaker 1: I think consideration and partnership and like you know, when

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Speaker 1: we hear aloud that we're taught that that's like allowance

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Speaker 1: and permission is given from parents, and like that's not

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Speaker 1: my parents, that's my partners, you know. So I mean

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Speaker 1: that's how I feel the healthiest relationships are is that

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Speaker 1: it is a partnership. Just like you said, there's no

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Speaker 1: there's no like gender assignment as far as roles. Like

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Speaker 1: it's like, um, if you're equipped to do something, then

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Speaker 1: you do it and I give you, I give you, um,

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Speaker 1: I give you freedom to be that and do that.

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Speaker 1: And so yeah, I think the word allow is like

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Speaker 1: this very old, antiquated, very judgmental, like what will the

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Speaker 1: neighbors think type mentality and growing up with Caribbean parents,

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Speaker 1: I mean I was subjected to that a lot of

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Speaker 1: my life. They always worried about what Paula and Paul

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Speaker 1: thinking anything, So you know, it's not like Paul and

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Speaker 1: Paul right, So so yeah, I just think for I

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Speaker 1: think it's that allow. Allow is the word that allow.

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Speaker 1: I mean pretty much to take off a little bit

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Speaker 1: from what each of you have said, like the allow.

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Speaker 1: It reminds me when it came in my wedding to

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Speaker 1: recite our vows and the pastor said, you know the

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Speaker 1: traditional thing that pastor says, and it was like to

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Speaker 1: honor and obey and it was to me. And it's

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Speaker 1: actually a funny moment in our video because it's like obey.

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Speaker 1: It's like there's like like a little bit of a

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Speaker 1: It was obey and I literally made this face like right,

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Speaker 1: and you know, it gathered the laugh people were laughing

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Speaker 1: because it was just that specific word. Of course, I'm

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Speaker 1: going to consider what my husband feels or things, right,

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Speaker 1: like like what you said Melanie about the consideration right that, Um,

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Speaker 1: there are certain things I just would not do out

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Speaker 1: of considerations for my husband out of respect for what

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Speaker 1: I know his beliefs are not because I'm not allowed

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Speaker 1: right and again like I'm not your child. You know.

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Speaker 1: The funny thing is I said to Devoto because we

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Speaker 1: joked about, you know, this conversation. Of course, after you know,

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Speaker 1: the DM comes up, that was just like did they

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Speaker 1: know that I held up the reflective so we could

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Speaker 1: shine on the booty? And then he was like, you

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Speaker 1: better press that. Maybe you better own it because the

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Speaker 1: only person that had many sons as far as I

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Speaker 1: know it was Abraham, father Abraham and is one of them.

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Speaker 1: So what you're not gonna do is tell me, you

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Speaker 1: know what I mean? My thing too, is it bothers

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Speaker 1: me when not only just between women and men, but

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Speaker 1: when we talk about allow this fan, he probably allows

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Speaker 1: certain people that he looks up to in the celebrity

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Speaker 1: world for to be okay with certain people, right like

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Speaker 1: you know, you know Kim and Kanye, or you can

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Speaker 1: name other people who the men glorify their women and

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Speaker 1: their sexuality and people don't necessarily it's not necessarily converse

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Speaker 1: station piece. But then when it applies to, like you said,

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Speaker 1: somebody who's expected this weird expectation of what it means

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Speaker 1: to be a mother and this and that, and it's

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Speaker 1: supposed to fit this mold. But and yet that's not

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Speaker 1: allowed quote unquote, But how does that make any sense?

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Speaker 1: It doesn't, you know what I mean, it doesn't make

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Speaker 1: any sense. I think that post is a good question.

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Speaker 1: It's like UK based off on Deval and I and

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Speaker 1: and the way we are, you know, um on social

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Speaker 1: media and sharing our narrative, sharing our story and being

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Speaker 1: on black Glove for example, are they holding us to

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Speaker 1: a different regard Maybe they see me doing that, But

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Speaker 1: I feel like, you know, but this is who I

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Speaker 1: am though, Like my husband embraces my sexy and he

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Speaker 1: wants me. I feel like it's exactly the point of

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Speaker 1: this entire podcast today is they were probably introduced to

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Speaker 1: you as a wife and mother exactly, and whereas other

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Speaker 1: people we might be introduced as to you know, it's

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Speaker 1: a vixen, it's a singer. She's in conscience all the time.

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Speaker 1: That's cool for her. For Lopez, she gonna be on

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Speaker 1: Superball as long as she was after. We're going to

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Speaker 1: glorify her body. She's stifty. Look at her, and that

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Speaker 1: is glorified. Never nobody's doubting her parenting skills moment, right,

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Speaker 1: That's okay, But then all of a sudden, you're not

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Speaker 1: allowed to have a sexy photo where you look incredible,

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Speaker 1: and you should be confident and feeling amazing about yourself

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Speaker 1: and unapologetic. That's your prerogative, because, let's face it, after

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Speaker 1: having all these babies, if you can then be confident

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Speaker 1: enough to come back and say, you know, like, hey,

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Speaker 1: I'm taking care of myself. Whatever that looks like to me,

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Speaker 1: I want to be able to share it, because let's

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Speaker 1: fix ou. A lot of people are also looking to

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Speaker 1: be inspired by your content as well too, so for

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Speaker 1: the mom who may be struggling with the postpartum depression,

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Speaker 1: or the mom who now has the saggy boobs after breastfeeding,

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Speaker 1: or children, whatever the case may be, there can be

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Speaker 1: a strength in that that we should be able to

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Speaker 1: support each other through it. You know, um, Ashley, when

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Speaker 1: it comes to you having three girls now, because we

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Speaker 1: talked about the dynamic being different here with bec having

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Speaker 1: a boy and a girl, mellow boy, I have three

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Speaker 1: boys with a girl. Are you super conscious about the

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Speaker 1: way you carry yourself and maybe even portray yourself? Your

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Speaker 1: kids are kind of young for social media, But um,

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Speaker 1: do you take into account how you conduct yourself on

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Speaker 1: a day to day basis, even just around your husband

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Speaker 1: with your girls. I mean I do. I think, Um,

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Speaker 1: it's interesting because I was raised Muslim and so, um,

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Speaker 1: my dad is Christian, my mom is Muslim. So I

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Speaker 1: literally had to go to church every Sunday and I

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Speaker 1: had to go to the mosque every Friday. Get a

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Speaker 1: loaded weekend, tony. And then my mom is like super worldly,

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Speaker 1: so she was making us going to like hirry Christian houses.

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Speaker 1: And then she used to be Jewish. It's just a

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Speaker 1: lot so like what your mom used to be Jewish

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Speaker 1: and then Catholic and she's an Aquari. I was like,

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Speaker 1: I don't know, Aquarius. I don't know if that helps

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Speaker 1: you understand. She's like I would call her the black

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Speaker 1: Mrs Frizzle from the Magic School Bus. That's my mom.

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Speaker 1: And in the Tide I ad dress. Um, she's the

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Speaker 1: visual right now right there. But no, I think because

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Speaker 1: of that, I went through a journey anyways about what

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Speaker 1: it meant to express myself as a woman. And just

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Speaker 1: I used to wear a hejab for a long time

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Speaker 1: until I was like twelve, so like for me, I've

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Speaker 1: always been I don't like the term tom boy, but

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Speaker 1: I've always been more mass killing. I guess you should

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Speaker 1: say whatever that means, I just wear baggy clothes, you

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Speaker 1: know what I mean? Um that that just always translated

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Speaker 1: more with me. I felt more comfortable that way because

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Speaker 1: I didn't really grow up being able to show a

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Speaker 1: lot of my body anyway. It's weird because I feel

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Speaker 1: the most beautiful when I'm actually more clothed and when

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Speaker 1: I have on like bagg ear clothes. Um. And so

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Speaker 1: I've had to go through my own personal journey of

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Speaker 1: being comfortable showing myself or just like wearing tighter things

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Speaker 1: and what that meant to me. So it for me,

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Speaker 1: I don't even feel like I consciously think like what

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Speaker 1: is my child going to think of this? Because I

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Speaker 1: already feel confident in the woman that I am, that

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Speaker 1: I am respectful and I'm honoring myself. And I think

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Speaker 1: it's like with my daughter, it's so funny, like it's

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Speaker 1: just a lot of like mixed up things, Like at

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Speaker 1: first I felt like I with my older she's eleven,

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Speaker 1: she wanted to wear like a crop top, and I

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Speaker 1: find myself saying things and then I have to go

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Speaker 1: back and think like why did why did like why

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Speaker 1: did I say that? Do you know what I mean? Like, no,

401
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Speaker 1: that's inappropriate ba And I'm like, but it's yea honestly,

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Speaker 1: rather be weird. I when you're living your stomach is

403
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Speaker 1: bomb right now. We have attachment, Yes, yes they have

404
00:20:06,480 --> 00:20:09,160
Speaker 1: knowledge and like you know, I saw somebody posts about

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Speaker 1: red nail polish. How that was like for only Yes,

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Speaker 1: it's like we have to unlearned. But you also know

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Speaker 1: who your daughter is exactly you know what I mean?

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Speaker 1: Because I'm not gonna lie, like I know a few

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Speaker 1: family members who had their daughters running around and crop

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Speaker 1: tops their fasts. Now I'm not we all know that

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Speaker 1: family member where you're like you see the writing on

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Speaker 1: the wall where like they put so much, like at

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Speaker 1: a young age, into like the sexuality of themselves, which

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Speaker 1: I feel like, okay, there's there's there's a time and

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Speaker 1: place to empower. But like but like, but stand down.

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Speaker 1: So this is what I'm saying, Like you know who

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Speaker 1: a mirror is, you know what I mean? So you

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Speaker 1: know that it comes from style. You know that it

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Speaker 1: comes like it's not coming from I'm trying to be

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Speaker 1: fast and like show more in my body. You know,

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Speaker 1: it's really innocent for her, and that's why I had

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Speaker 1: to check myself because she loves fact like I don't.

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Speaker 1: I love men's wear, do you know what I mean?

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Speaker 1: But like she loves fashion. So were you the mom

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Speaker 1: that your girls were wearing boy and girl clothes, like,

426
00:21:03,600 --> 00:21:08,280
Speaker 1: you know, like their clothes from the boy section, just

427
00:21:08,400 --> 00:21:12,280
Speaker 1: because I don't want my daughters having like unicorns with

428
00:21:12,359 --> 00:21:16,399
Speaker 1: sparkles coming out their ass. But with Amra, I definitely

429
00:21:16,440 --> 00:21:19,200
Speaker 1: she's eleven years old. I've definitely been learning more about myself.

430
00:21:19,240 --> 00:21:20,840
Speaker 1: Like she always wants to play and makeup and stuff.

431
00:21:20,880 --> 00:21:22,359
Speaker 1: At first, I was like, and I'm like, she's an artist,

432
00:21:22,400 --> 00:21:24,560
Speaker 1: She's a pisces. She loves to draw, like she just

433
00:21:24,800 --> 00:21:29,200
Speaker 1: likes to be creative, also spear and stuff, you know

434
00:21:29,240 --> 00:21:31,320
Speaker 1: what I mean. Like I just let her be and exist,

435
00:21:31,600 --> 00:21:33,800
Speaker 1: and I felt like the my main goal is to

436
00:21:33,920 --> 00:21:35,720
Speaker 1: just engage with her and the things that she finds

437
00:21:35,800 --> 00:21:38,080
Speaker 1: interesting because like you said, I know that I'm raising

438
00:21:38,160 --> 00:21:41,080
Speaker 1: her with a good conscious level. And for me, it's

439
00:21:41,160 --> 00:21:44,960
Speaker 1: more about like respecting herself and honoring herself and understanding

440
00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:47,680
Speaker 1: the importance and value of herself and that it should

441
00:21:47,720 --> 00:21:50,600
Speaker 1: not be shared with everyone whatever dynamic that means, you

442
00:21:50,640 --> 00:21:52,480
Speaker 1: know what I mean, and also being mindful, like I

443
00:21:52,880 --> 00:21:54,919
Speaker 1: let her wear cross that is not really a cross up,

444
00:21:54,920 --> 00:21:57,080
Speaker 1: but it was like this when she lit her right.

445
00:21:58,720 --> 00:22:01,240
Speaker 1: I see you uplift or eleven year old all the

446
00:22:01,359 --> 00:22:03,440
Speaker 1: time and encourage her, like you big her up, like

447
00:22:03,520 --> 00:22:05,360
Speaker 1: you'd be gassing here. You'd be like, oh my baby,

448
00:22:05,400 --> 00:22:13,400
Speaker 1: so and it's so, it's it's really beautiful. It's really important,

449
00:22:13,680 --> 00:22:16,000
Speaker 1: and I hope you know that that's actually really important

450
00:22:16,040 --> 00:22:19,520
Speaker 1: for empowering young women because again, like I love my mom,

451
00:22:19,640 --> 00:22:21,320
Speaker 1: she did such a great job of raising us, but

452
00:22:21,440 --> 00:22:23,639
Speaker 1: my mom also became a wife and a mother at

453
00:22:23,720 --> 00:22:27,200
Speaker 1: nineteen and in the Caribbean, and so like her her

454
00:22:28,080 --> 00:22:32,000
Speaker 1: whole judgment over the perception of what it is like.

455
00:22:32,280 --> 00:22:34,399
Speaker 1: And it's so funny that she was so strict with me,

456
00:22:34,520 --> 00:22:36,320
Speaker 1: Like my mom did not let me cut my hair.

457
00:22:37,200 --> 00:22:38,600
Speaker 1: I mean my hair was down in my ask till

458
00:22:38,600 --> 00:22:42,080
Speaker 1: I was twelve. She with neither my mom to me,

459
00:22:42,119 --> 00:22:46,840
Speaker 1: I was gonna get cancer. I'm done crazy, I was rais.

460
00:22:47,680 --> 00:22:50,439
Speaker 1: She just said it shave your legs, you're gonna get

461
00:22:50,560 --> 00:22:53,399
Speaker 1: you know, old school boys. But you know it's so funny,

462
00:22:53,600 --> 00:22:56,639
Speaker 1: is that like my mom ironically, because I played sports

463
00:22:56,680 --> 00:22:58,280
Speaker 1: really young, so like I was, I was running across

464
00:22:58,280 --> 00:23:00,320
Speaker 1: country like eight, but I had hair on my legs

465
00:23:00,359 --> 00:23:02,520
Speaker 1: and I actually became very self conscious. And I'll never

466
00:23:02,560 --> 00:23:05,040
Speaker 1: forget this. My mother shaved my legs for me, and

467
00:23:05,160 --> 00:23:07,560
Speaker 1: I remember being like, oh my gosh. But this was

468
00:23:07,640 --> 00:23:09,720
Speaker 1: the woman that would never let me wear my hair down.

469
00:23:10,240 --> 00:23:11,879
Speaker 1: This was the woman that would never let me like

470
00:23:12,160 --> 00:23:17,400
Speaker 1: be too brazen, like that was always it's lasted, vain

471
00:23:17,680 --> 00:23:19,359
Speaker 1: like all these things. But it's like you want me

472
00:23:19,400 --> 00:23:20,960
Speaker 1: to have this long hair, but you don't want me

473
00:23:21,000 --> 00:23:22,960
Speaker 1: to like you don't want me to revere it, like

474
00:23:23,520 --> 00:23:25,119
Speaker 1: but you want me to have heaven, you know what

475
00:23:25,200 --> 00:23:27,440
Speaker 1: I mean. Like, but it was controlled like the deep,

476
00:23:27,680 --> 00:23:29,760
Speaker 1: the deep like psychological thing about this is that I'm

477
00:23:29,760 --> 00:23:32,000
Speaker 1: gonna give you all this, but I'm going to restrict it.

478
00:23:32,040 --> 00:23:33,479
Speaker 1: It's always going to be in a braid. That's how

479
00:23:33,520 --> 00:23:36,600
Speaker 1: my hair was all the time. And so like even

480
00:23:36,680 --> 00:23:39,399
Speaker 1: like sexuality and like like owning that sexy, like I

481
00:23:39,480 --> 00:23:41,920
Speaker 1: had to break free from my house in order to

482
00:23:42,119 --> 00:23:45,840
Speaker 1: really start to become my own woman because to delve

483
00:23:45,920 --> 00:23:48,920
Speaker 1: into what that meant for me, and and because like

484
00:23:49,080 --> 00:23:52,760
Speaker 1: it was not encouraged, It was not encouraged. And like

485
00:23:52,840 --> 00:23:54,639
Speaker 1: I had an older brother who was always trying to

486
00:23:54,680 --> 00:23:56,760
Speaker 1: hold me down because he was like, you're my little sister.

487
00:23:56,880 --> 00:23:58,520
Speaker 1: So if I find out you're dat anybody, I'm gonna

488
00:23:58,520 --> 00:24:01,560
Speaker 1: break his in your legs. Like my mom was so

489
00:24:01,920 --> 00:24:05,399
Speaker 1: strict about like the way little girls should be, you know,

490
00:24:05,520 --> 00:24:07,239
Speaker 1: like this this whole thing. And now my brother has

491
00:24:07,280 --> 00:24:10,960
Speaker 1: three daughters, and you know, this generation is just so progressive.

492
00:24:11,040 --> 00:24:14,399
Speaker 1: They are so like, we don't see, we don't judge,

493
00:24:14,480 --> 00:24:17,560
Speaker 1: we don't label, we don't so they're constantly schooling My

494
00:24:17,640 --> 00:24:20,000
Speaker 1: parents left now and it's like really beautiful to see,

495
00:24:20,480 --> 00:24:23,359
Speaker 1: but it really does take a learning when you are

496
00:24:23,400 --> 00:24:25,879
Speaker 1: brought up a different way and you have to change

497
00:24:25,880 --> 00:24:27,800
Speaker 1: that for your kids. Yeah, it's funny how grandparents that

498
00:24:27,880 --> 00:24:30,040
Speaker 1: were so much more lenient because we're such my mother

499
00:24:30,119 --> 00:24:32,920
Speaker 1: with my children, I'm like, who is this? Who are you?

500
00:24:33,359 --> 00:24:37,600
Speaker 1: Where is the woman that raised me? So since we're

501
00:24:37,640 --> 00:24:41,159
Speaker 1: talking about wardrobe, beck, you're being a stylist, a wardrobe stylist.

502
00:24:41,840 --> 00:24:45,240
Speaker 1: There's a company recently that launched a new children's line

503
00:24:46,840 --> 00:24:50,320
Speaker 1: modeled after um women's wear. You want to see it?

504
00:24:50,520 --> 00:24:55,400
Speaker 1: I don't even I don't know what's so pretty much,

505
00:24:56,000 --> 00:24:59,280
Speaker 1: it's a it's a brand that um shows women's clothing.

506
00:24:59,320 --> 00:25:02,480
Speaker 1: They sell women's clothing more provocative, fitted crop tops, this, that,

507
00:25:02,600 --> 00:25:05,640
Speaker 1: and now they have made children's clothes after the brand.

508
00:25:05,920 --> 00:25:10,560
Speaker 1: So many of the outfits are in my opinion, kind

509
00:25:10,600 --> 00:25:13,639
Speaker 1: of risque for a child, for a little girl. But

510
00:25:13,720 --> 00:25:15,920
Speaker 1: so I say that to say, my husband talks about

511
00:25:15,960 --> 00:25:18,680
Speaker 1: this imaginary daughter that we do have, that she will

512
00:25:18,720 --> 00:25:21,480
Speaker 1: not stop at this place. Let's let's putting stuff in

513
00:25:21,480 --> 00:25:27,080
Speaker 1: the atmosphere. So he always says, you know what, I

514
00:25:27,200 --> 00:25:30,800
Speaker 1: don't want to happen when I have this child, this daughter, Um,

515
00:25:30,880 --> 00:25:32,520
Speaker 1: I don't want her ring bikinis. I don't want her

516
00:25:32,560 --> 00:25:36,000
Speaker 1: rain this because of the way we over sexualize our

517
00:25:36,160 --> 00:25:40,080
Speaker 1: little girls. So this particular brand now has clothing that

518
00:25:40,480 --> 00:25:43,280
Speaker 1: mimics that of a woman and thinking the poses that

519
00:25:43,320 --> 00:25:46,920
Speaker 1: they had the little girls and provocative. Do you notice

520
00:25:46,960 --> 00:25:49,879
Speaker 1: any of that in the world of wardrobe and styling

521
00:25:49,920 --> 00:25:52,480
Speaker 1: and how that affects children now in media? I notice

522
00:25:52,520 --> 00:25:54,480
Speaker 1: it in the media absolutely. I notice it. As my

523
00:25:54,560 --> 00:25:57,000
Speaker 1: daughter gets older and has her own opinion and wants

524
00:25:57,040 --> 00:25:59,880
Speaker 1: to express herself. Um, you know, when she's two three

525
00:26:00,000 --> 00:26:02,600
Speaker 1: and before, I'm the one dressing her. So it's like

526
00:26:02,640 --> 00:26:04,480
Speaker 1: we're going to be in this cute little Sarah outfit.

527
00:26:04,600 --> 00:26:07,840
Speaker 1: This is that. But now she is a lot like

528
00:26:07,920 --> 00:26:09,960
Speaker 1: how I was when I was little. She sketches, like

529
00:26:10,320 --> 00:26:13,679
Speaker 1: as she was saying, her daughter daughter does sketches wardrobe

530
00:26:13,680 --> 00:26:15,359
Speaker 1: and clothes all day long. And I used to do

531
00:26:15,440 --> 00:26:17,080
Speaker 1: the same when I was her age. She has, you know,

532
00:26:17,160 --> 00:26:18,800
Speaker 1: a top with a skirt and a distance at that,

533
00:26:18,920 --> 00:26:21,239
Speaker 1: and it really is a form of expression for her.

534
00:26:22,080 --> 00:26:25,480
Speaker 1: So yes, in absolutely is a fine line. And it's

535
00:26:25,520 --> 00:26:28,920
Speaker 1: hard as a parent to find a balance, you know,

536
00:26:29,040 --> 00:26:34,240
Speaker 1: she you know, you can't protect just from what's out there,

537
00:26:34,359 --> 00:26:36,000
Speaker 1: you know what I mean. Like she's hearing songs on

538
00:26:36,040 --> 00:26:39,199
Speaker 1: the radio, even if it's a radio edit. Oh who

539
00:26:39,280 --> 00:26:41,359
Speaker 1: who's that artist? I want to know who that? I

540
00:26:41,440 --> 00:26:43,359
Speaker 1: want to know more. It's very innocent. I want to

541
00:26:43,400 --> 00:26:45,000
Speaker 1: know who she is. I want to you know, I

542
00:26:45,080 --> 00:26:47,240
Speaker 1: like her music, I like to draw, I like this

543
00:26:47,400 --> 00:26:50,360
Speaker 1: or that. And I mean, as a parent, it really

544
00:26:50,640 --> 00:26:54,159
Speaker 1: is my job to navigate that and navigate it in

545
00:26:54,359 --> 00:26:57,240
Speaker 1: a balanced way. When it comes to her personally expressing herself.

546
00:26:57,480 --> 00:27:01,359
Speaker 1: Through wardrobe and fashion, because, like we were discussing earlier,

547
00:27:01,480 --> 00:27:03,800
Speaker 1: especially with girls, you know, they are looking at us,

548
00:27:04,000 --> 00:27:05,879
Speaker 1: and of course, you know, of course I walk out

549
00:27:05,880 --> 00:27:07,760
Speaker 1: the door in a fashionable outfit when I'm going somewhere,

550
00:27:07,840 --> 00:27:09,199
Speaker 1: you know, and she also sees me at home when

551
00:27:09,240 --> 00:27:12,320
Speaker 1: I'm not and I'm gonna And another thing that I

552
00:27:12,480 --> 00:27:15,080
Speaker 1: like to make an effort with her, um is that

553
00:27:15,480 --> 00:27:19,080
Speaker 1: you know, looking nice or putting on makeup or getting

554
00:27:19,160 --> 00:27:22,399
Speaker 1: dressed isn't just for like, I don't like to only

555
00:27:22,480 --> 00:27:24,680
Speaker 1: do that for special occasions, quote unquote, because I don't

556
00:27:24,680 --> 00:27:26,159
Speaker 1: want her to feel like that's the only time that

557
00:27:26,280 --> 00:27:28,399
Speaker 1: you are special is when you're done up. It's going

558
00:27:28,480 --> 00:27:30,719
Speaker 1: to put on your lip gloss for your your clothing

559
00:27:30,760 --> 00:27:32,520
Speaker 1: and your hair, you know what I mean. So like

560
00:27:32,880 --> 00:27:35,600
Speaker 1: that's a conversation that's been a very deliberate thing in

561
00:27:35,640 --> 00:27:39,280
Speaker 1: our household, which is, you know, she had a year

562
00:27:39,320 --> 00:27:41,000
Speaker 1: a couple of years ago where she was really into

563
00:27:41,040 --> 00:27:43,160
Speaker 1: straight hair and I was like, oh, that's a whole

564
00:27:43,200 --> 00:27:45,639
Speaker 1: separate combo. But it was very stressful. I think I

565
00:27:45,720 --> 00:27:48,119
Speaker 1: might have talked to you about how I was really

566
00:27:48,200 --> 00:27:50,720
Speaker 1: stressed for like four months because that's all she saw

567
00:27:50,880 --> 00:27:54,160
Speaker 1: in the Disney movies, Tiana is the only black girl

568
00:27:54,440 --> 00:27:59,760
Speaker 1: had a right exactly. She was a frog movie that.

569
00:28:00,320 --> 00:28:03,119
Speaker 1: So that was like a discussion of like when was

570
00:28:03,240 --> 00:28:05,080
Speaker 1: the time or the appropriate time for her to get

571
00:28:05,119 --> 00:28:08,240
Speaker 1: her hair straight? And you know, we actually ended up

572
00:28:08,280 --> 00:28:11,080
Speaker 1: doing it during quarantine. Um, I blow dry her hair

573
00:28:11,119 --> 00:28:13,280
Speaker 1: and I strained it just to braid it. It actually

574
00:28:13,320 --> 00:28:14,919
Speaker 1: wasn't for her to wear it out. And I let

575
00:28:15,000 --> 00:28:17,800
Speaker 1: a rocket for a dance. Very excited about it, but

576
00:28:17,880 --> 00:28:20,920
Speaker 1: it was a regular Tuesday we're at the house. I

577
00:28:20,960 --> 00:28:26,680
Speaker 1: didn't hype anything up about it being special, much more beautiful.

578
00:28:26,720 --> 00:28:30,000
Speaker 1: It's just versatility and different. And I like to apply

579
00:28:30,119 --> 00:28:32,800
Speaker 1: the same to the wardrobe in the fashion and that

580
00:28:33,280 --> 00:28:35,440
Speaker 1: hey like, yeah, you can totally express yourself through that,

581
00:28:35,480 --> 00:28:37,840
Speaker 1: and she really does, and that's I mean, it can

582
00:28:37,920 --> 00:28:39,680
Speaker 1: be a thing because she comes out the closet and

583
00:28:39,720 --> 00:28:41,480
Speaker 1: she's like, I want I want to wear this. I

584
00:28:41,520 --> 00:28:44,000
Speaker 1: wanted this with that because that was in me sometimes

585
00:28:44,040 --> 00:28:47,200
Speaker 1: not even having anything to do with being provocative provocative,

586
00:28:47,280 --> 00:28:53,480
Speaker 1: but I'm like, god, this doesn't matter. Oh my god, girl,

587
00:28:53,520 --> 00:28:55,960
Speaker 1: if you feel good. So it's like you know that

588
00:28:56,080 --> 00:28:57,840
Speaker 1: balance of driving home there like I want you to

589
00:28:58,240 --> 00:29:00,520
Speaker 1: feel good. I want you to express yourself for sure.

590
00:29:00,560 --> 00:29:02,560
Speaker 1: I need to like just zip it for a second

591
00:29:02,600 --> 00:29:05,160
Speaker 1: and let you do you yes, but then yes, as

592
00:29:05,200 --> 00:29:07,240
Speaker 1: a parent, of course, I'm going to navigate if something

593
00:29:07,480 --> 00:29:10,960
Speaker 1: is inappropriate for a five year old, because I've seen

594
00:29:11,040 --> 00:29:13,080
Speaker 1: some people say on that like if I showed up

595
00:29:13,080 --> 00:29:16,000
Speaker 1: to set and my daughter to look like and dressed like,

596
00:29:16,400 --> 00:29:20,120
Speaker 1: then chances are so I would update on the photo

597
00:29:20,160 --> 00:29:21,800
Speaker 1: because I'm just seeing the photo for the first time.

598
00:29:22,160 --> 00:29:30,400
Speaker 1: There's a lot of mesh. It was, it was, you

599
00:29:30,520 --> 00:29:34,600
Speaker 1: know what it is. It's because women nowadays are they

600
00:29:34,680 --> 00:29:38,400
Speaker 1: have so much exposure to fashion and these particular brands,

601
00:29:38,680 --> 00:29:40,800
Speaker 1: and now it's like, oh my gosh, I want my

602
00:29:40,880 --> 00:29:45,800
Speaker 1: daughter to dress just like me and but the match.

603
00:29:46,240 --> 00:29:48,360
Speaker 1: But I'll be the magic. But I'll be honest, Like, see,

604
00:29:48,400 --> 00:29:49,640
Speaker 1: I have a son and I like to dress like

605
00:29:49,680 --> 00:29:51,480
Speaker 1: a boy too, so like I wear the same hoodie

606
00:29:51,520 --> 00:29:54,440
Speaker 1: as my son. But it's unfortunately different for girls. And

607
00:29:54,560 --> 00:29:57,080
Speaker 1: it just gets that way. And especially we have a

608
00:29:57,200 --> 00:30:00,360
Speaker 1: society that we have not gotten to that place of

609
00:30:00,480 --> 00:30:04,160
Speaker 1: trust where we can allow our young daughters to be

610
00:30:04,480 --> 00:30:06,840
Speaker 1: in the space of vulnerability to predators. And this is

611
00:30:06,920 --> 00:30:10,080
Speaker 1: just what it is. Okay, that ultimately, and so when

612
00:30:10,160 --> 00:30:14,000
Speaker 1: we're when they're young, as parents, we have the job

613
00:30:14,680 --> 00:30:17,480
Speaker 1: of doing that. We make those decisions. That's what I

614
00:30:17,560 --> 00:30:19,960
Speaker 1: say about the navigating. It's like, you know, you show

615
00:30:20,040 --> 00:30:22,800
Speaker 1: me that, No, Berkeley will never be right, will Berkeley

616
00:30:22,800 --> 00:30:26,560
Speaker 1: being a crop top? Yes, with a little oversized I

617
00:30:26,600 --> 00:30:31,320
Speaker 1: think I just posted something oversized like but highways cargoes

618
00:30:31,320 --> 00:30:37,640
Speaker 1: because and she everybody's cute, but it's fashionable, makes expressing herself,

619
00:30:38,080 --> 00:30:40,760
Speaker 1: you know, in you know, in our household and in

620
00:30:40,840 --> 00:30:44,720
Speaker 1: our industry, it's totally appropriate. Um, but it is our

621
00:30:44,840 --> 00:30:46,760
Speaker 1: job to navigate it. And sometimes she does come with

622
00:30:46,840 --> 00:30:49,200
Speaker 1: a crop top and little shorts and this or that,

623
00:30:49,360 --> 00:30:50,840
Speaker 1: and we say, hey, can we just can we swamp

624
00:30:50,880 --> 00:30:54,400
Speaker 1: off the pan? Right? We did? What I got away

625
00:30:54,440 --> 00:30:58,240
Speaker 1: from his telling her stuff is exactly the conversation that

626
00:30:58,280 --> 00:31:00,080
Speaker 1: I had with her is this because she's at and

627
00:31:00,160 --> 00:31:01,680
Speaker 1: so I was like, listening to me, or there are

628
00:31:02,000 --> 00:31:05,120
Speaker 1: sexual predators, there's men out there here inappropriate And I said,

629
00:31:05,880 --> 00:31:08,680
Speaker 1: for me, it's not about you can't wear it. I said,

630
00:31:08,960 --> 00:31:11,160
Speaker 1: you have to be able to deal with the attention

631
00:31:11,240 --> 00:31:14,000
Speaker 1: that comes with when you have it on. I said, right,

632
00:31:14,080 --> 00:31:16,360
Speaker 1: I said, so when you wear certain things, like because

633
00:31:16,400 --> 00:31:17,640
Speaker 1: I don't want her to ever feel that way. And

634
00:31:17,640 --> 00:31:19,440
Speaker 1: I also don't want to make it seem like women

635
00:31:19,520 --> 00:31:22,520
Speaker 1: that dress a certain way are deserving a certain treaming

636
00:31:23,000 --> 00:31:26,200
Speaker 1: or that they should be judged. I don't like that.

637
00:31:26,400 --> 00:31:28,480
Speaker 1: What I'm saying is that, like when they talk to

638
00:31:28,560 --> 00:31:30,400
Speaker 1: you with your husband and damns, you're a grown woman.

639
00:31:30,400 --> 00:31:32,120
Speaker 1: You can deal with that, Like I don't care about

640
00:31:32,120 --> 00:31:34,720
Speaker 1: that man. But for her, it's like I don't want

641
00:31:34,760 --> 00:31:37,400
Speaker 1: you to have any attention that you can't personally deal

642
00:31:37,440 --> 00:31:39,840
Speaker 1: with as you're growing immature, and that stuff affects them

643
00:31:39,880 --> 00:31:42,840
Speaker 1: their self esteem and just in general. Like if I, well,

644
00:31:42,880 --> 00:31:44,880
Speaker 1: she would never I'm a helicopter, she wouldn't be gonna

645
00:31:44,880 --> 00:31:46,800
Speaker 1: worry about me anyway. But you know what I mean,

646
00:31:46,920 --> 00:31:48,840
Speaker 1: Like if she's just out with her friends or like

647
00:31:48,880 --> 00:31:50,680
Speaker 1: playing outside, I just don't want that for her, So

648
00:31:50,880 --> 00:31:53,480
Speaker 1: she she understands that I'm it's not wrong, it's not

649
00:31:53,560 --> 00:31:56,400
Speaker 1: bading a straight hair thing like I had to. So

650
00:31:56,800 --> 00:31:58,880
Speaker 1: when I I've always wore my hair natural and curly,

651
00:31:58,880 --> 00:32:00,480
Speaker 1: I've never had to relax her any thing like that.

652
00:32:00,600 --> 00:32:03,520
Speaker 1: But like when I pregnant with her, I started flating

653
00:32:03,560 --> 00:32:05,760
Speaker 1: on my hair a lot, because we all know it's

654
00:32:05,760 --> 00:32:08,720
Speaker 1: just easier. I don't care what nobody says. It doesn't

655
00:32:08,720 --> 00:32:10,400
Speaker 1: mean we don't love our black hair with don't your

656
00:32:10,400 --> 00:32:12,120
Speaker 1: hair you wrap it and unwrap it every day for

657
00:32:12,280 --> 00:32:17,040
Speaker 1: like two weeks. Yes, it's just more, Yes, more manageable.

658
00:32:17,080 --> 00:32:20,320
Speaker 1: That's the word I should say. Yes, it's right, it's

659
00:32:20,360 --> 00:32:23,720
Speaker 1: less that we all know we need left. I was

660
00:32:24,800 --> 00:32:26,520
Speaker 1: when I had her, and I didn't want to do

661
00:32:26,640 --> 00:32:28,200
Speaker 1: my hair, you know what I mean, it's so. But

662
00:32:28,320 --> 00:32:31,360
Speaker 1: she was like four and she was like, Mommy, I

663
00:32:31,440 --> 00:32:34,280
Speaker 1: want to have straight hair like you who got straight hair.

664
00:32:34,520 --> 00:32:37,080
Speaker 1: Like what are you talking about? You know? I was like, oh,

665
00:32:38,280 --> 00:32:40,240
Speaker 1: I stopped flatting in my hair. I never flat out

666
00:32:40,240 --> 00:32:41,640
Speaker 1: on it again after that. And I had to wear

667
00:32:41,680 --> 00:32:43,920
Speaker 1: it curly because I wanted if I'm telling her, I

668
00:32:44,000 --> 00:32:45,840
Speaker 1: want you love her. And then as she got older,

669
00:32:46,280 --> 00:32:48,200
Speaker 1: then I'm like, it's fun to flatter on your hair sometimes,

670
00:32:48,280 --> 00:32:50,400
Speaker 1: but just like you, I will not let her do

671
00:32:50,480 --> 00:32:52,080
Speaker 1: it for like Christmas or if we went for a

672
00:32:52,160 --> 00:32:54,160
Speaker 1: hot like when I got married, make sure that her

673
00:32:54,200 --> 00:32:56,480
Speaker 1: hair was curly, because I want her to feel like

674
00:32:56,600 --> 00:33:00,600
Speaker 1: your hair is beautiful and can be worn yess not

675
00:33:00,840 --> 00:33:04,160
Speaker 1: not special occasion, right, you know what I mean in

676
00:33:04,240 --> 00:33:06,880
Speaker 1: a mood and now that's where she's at with it,

677
00:33:07,080 --> 00:33:08,760
Speaker 1: you know what I mean, Like now I let her

678
00:33:08,840 --> 00:33:11,000
Speaker 1: flatter on her hair, but also I'm like, listen, it

679
00:33:11,040 --> 00:33:13,320
Speaker 1: affects your curls. It's going to affect your curl pattern.

680
00:33:13,400 --> 00:33:15,560
Speaker 1: Like all of these things are important for her to understand.

681
00:33:15,800 --> 00:33:18,480
Speaker 1: So with the education, it's not judging our kids and

682
00:33:18,560 --> 00:33:20,720
Speaker 1: making them feel bad for wanting things that are just

683
00:33:21,040 --> 00:33:24,360
Speaker 1: a form of creativity. The appreciate point that you say

684
00:33:24,680 --> 00:33:27,600
Speaker 1: is probably like my biggest rule at the house, you know,

685
00:33:27,680 --> 00:33:29,480
Speaker 1: and even at a young age. My daughter is only five,

686
00:33:29,600 --> 00:33:31,520
Speaker 1: but we have conversations all the time, and I just

687
00:33:31,600 --> 00:33:36,200
Speaker 1: wanted to understand the route whatever it is you kids.

688
00:33:36,360 --> 00:33:39,640
Speaker 1: I love that kids. It's not about to say Melanie,

689
00:33:39,640 --> 00:33:42,280
Speaker 1: you probably can relate to this and that I grew

690
00:33:42,360 --> 00:33:43,920
Speaker 1: up in a household where it was just like, you know,

691
00:33:44,080 --> 00:33:47,160
Speaker 1: this is just what it is. Conversations were not really

692
00:33:47,200 --> 00:33:50,120
Speaker 1: a thing to necessarily explain in detail why there was

693
00:33:50,160 --> 00:33:51,960
Speaker 1: a method to this madness and parents had so I

694
00:33:52,000 --> 00:33:55,480
Speaker 1: feel like our generation is very deliberate about having those

695
00:33:55,560 --> 00:33:59,280
Speaker 1: conversations very openly and encompassing the entire thing. So with Ashley,

696
00:33:59,480 --> 00:34:01,640
Speaker 1: it's not just matter of like having straight here on occasion,

697
00:34:01,720 --> 00:34:03,720
Speaker 1: because it's like here here, like girl, your curl pattern

698
00:34:03,760 --> 00:34:07,239
Speaker 1: is gonna be like that, like keep doing it if

699
00:34:07,280 --> 00:34:09,399
Speaker 1: you want to. But I think then there's a greater

700
00:34:09,520 --> 00:34:11,399
Speaker 1: understanding that the kids can say, all right, well there's

701
00:34:11,400 --> 00:34:13,440
Speaker 1: a method to this madness. Mom is not just crazy.

702
00:34:14,040 --> 00:34:17,160
Speaker 1: I mean, there's actually a whole entire story here. This

703
00:34:17,360 --> 00:34:18,640
Speaker 1: is what I want to say. The three of you

704
00:34:18,719 --> 00:34:23,600
Speaker 1: are probably, um, not more advanced, but like, um, the

705
00:34:23,680 --> 00:34:25,680
Speaker 1: fact that you all think that way is really dope

706
00:34:25,760 --> 00:34:28,360
Speaker 1: because my mom actually did raise me that way. She

707
00:34:29,200 --> 00:34:31,360
Speaker 1: I was gonna say. My mom was like, yes, everything

708
00:34:31,480 --> 00:34:33,160
Speaker 1: was a discussion, even like I was just telling my

709
00:34:33,200 --> 00:34:35,040
Speaker 1: homeboy real the other day, like my mom was playing

710
00:34:35,080 --> 00:34:37,560
Speaker 1: Bob Dylan and she was like loosening the sky like

711
00:34:37,719 --> 00:34:39,719
Speaker 1: you know that, keep talking about cocaine. Like my mom

712
00:34:39,840 --> 00:34:44,080
Speaker 1: was always like music is art, like she was. It

713
00:34:44,200 --> 00:34:50,920
Speaker 1: was amazing, It was real. It was amazing. Explain everything

714
00:34:50,960 --> 00:34:52,600
Speaker 1: to me other than the shaving your leg you're gonna

715
00:34:52,600 --> 00:34:56,759
Speaker 1: get cancer thing being petty. But other than that, my

716
00:34:56,840 --> 00:34:59,359
Speaker 1: mom she even told me I'll never forget. My mom

717
00:34:59,480 --> 00:35:01,200
Speaker 1: was like you know, I don't want you to have sex.

718
00:35:01,600 --> 00:35:03,160
Speaker 1: You need to honor your body. I want you the

719
00:35:03,200 --> 00:35:04,719
Speaker 1: way she said, But if you ever have sex, you

720
00:35:04,800 --> 00:35:05,920
Speaker 1: come and talk to me. I want to make sure

721
00:35:05,920 --> 00:35:08,000
Speaker 1: you're okay. So if you ever get pregnant, come and

722
00:35:08,040 --> 00:35:09,839
Speaker 1: talk to me. I want to make sure you Yeah,

723
00:35:09,880 --> 00:35:12,200
Speaker 1: my mom talked to me about ever real I would

724
00:35:12,200 --> 00:35:13,880
Speaker 1: be honest. I have never had to talk with my

725
00:35:13,960 --> 00:35:15,719
Speaker 1: mother and I got a whole man and a child

726
00:35:18,200 --> 00:35:20,600
Speaker 1: it out idea. I don't think my mom knows when

727
00:35:20,880 --> 00:35:23,239
Speaker 1: I lost my virginity, Like I never went to her

728
00:35:23,840 --> 00:35:26,480
Speaker 1: at the hospital with me, because after I did, I

729
00:35:26,560 --> 00:35:27,759
Speaker 1: told her and she's like, well, we need to make

730
00:35:27,800 --> 00:35:29,440
Speaker 1: sure you're okay. And she took me to get a

731
00:35:29,520 --> 00:35:32,600
Speaker 1: check up, and there was like no shade, okay. I

732
00:35:32,719 --> 00:35:34,560
Speaker 1: was eighteen. She still was sad. She was like, I

733
00:35:34,600 --> 00:35:36,360
Speaker 1: wish she would have waited you were married, but she

734
00:35:36,560 --> 00:35:38,640
Speaker 1: was like, I just need to make sure you're safe.

735
00:35:38,680 --> 00:35:41,080
Speaker 1: Because my mom was a young mom. She she had

736
00:35:41,120 --> 00:35:43,360
Speaker 1: my brother the first when she lost her virginia. She

737
00:35:43,400 --> 00:35:46,960
Speaker 1: got pregnant with my older brother. She was twenty. She

738
00:35:47,040 --> 00:35:48,759
Speaker 1: did n't up taking him, moving away from her family,

739
00:35:48,840 --> 00:35:50,920
Speaker 1: take him to call she had no support. You know,

740
00:35:51,000 --> 00:35:53,040
Speaker 1: he was deliberate about me. Yes, you know, sometimes people

741
00:35:53,080 --> 00:35:55,279
Speaker 1: either continue a pattern or that my mom was a

742
00:35:55,400 --> 00:36:01,160
Speaker 1: breaker of pattern. Yeah, we probably did. Story. She wrote

743
00:36:01,200 --> 00:36:03,640
Speaker 1: the pattern. She grew up not having any communication. She

744
00:36:03,719 --> 00:36:08,040
Speaker 1: grew up um not being verbally lifted by her mom

745
00:36:08,200 --> 00:36:10,440
Speaker 1: just put down a lot. So with me, it was

746
00:36:10,480 --> 00:36:12,560
Speaker 1: a lot of lots of words of affirmation and that's

747
00:36:12,600 --> 00:36:16,520
Speaker 1: my love language now. So I feel like the skills

748
00:36:16,560 --> 00:36:20,880
Speaker 1: that I do have came from her. And in my situation,

749
00:36:21,040 --> 00:36:23,560
Speaker 1: there was definitely still the It wasn't like the mom

750
00:36:23,760 --> 00:36:26,640
Speaker 1: like there were like no rules right right, friends, It

751
00:36:26,760 --> 00:36:31,960
Speaker 1: was definitely she was my mom, definitely exactly. I never

752
00:36:32,440 --> 00:36:34,520
Speaker 1: yeah we got that level. I never got a whooping,

753
00:36:34,719 --> 00:36:40,400
Speaker 1: But I didn't get my mom's white. Oh okay, remember that.

754
00:36:41,680 --> 00:36:45,520
Speaker 1: Maybe my mom was like that she's white. One wasn't again,

755
00:36:48,960 --> 00:36:51,680
Speaker 1: if anything, it was like one speah, like use a

756
00:36:51,800 --> 00:37:00,400
Speaker 1: firm voice back to do like that though, but you

757
00:37:00,640 --> 00:37:02,440
Speaker 1: you but listen, I was gonna say this when you

758
00:37:02,480 --> 00:37:07,200
Speaker 1: were saying something earlier. Black parenting, black existence is rooted

759
00:37:07,200 --> 00:37:09,600
Speaker 1: in trauma, and even though you're from the Islands, it's

760
00:37:09,640 --> 00:37:12,239
Speaker 1: the same. But they dropped off a different location, and

761
00:37:12,360 --> 00:37:14,920
Speaker 1: so a lot of things that happened in the black community.

762
00:37:15,040 --> 00:37:18,240
Speaker 1: Unfortunately our parents weren't given the opportunity. And I always

763
00:37:18,280 --> 00:37:21,280
Speaker 1: say this, like because even though my mom is biracial,

764
00:37:21,360 --> 00:37:23,320
Speaker 1: like I know, like how black I am whatever, I

765
00:37:23,400 --> 00:37:25,080
Speaker 1: still exist as a black woman, you know what I mean.

766
00:37:25,640 --> 00:37:27,920
Speaker 1: I know I have other heritage, but I don't have

767
00:37:28,160 --> 00:37:31,000
Speaker 1: the luxury of being just carefree all the time. And

768
00:37:31,040 --> 00:37:33,560
Speaker 1: I tell my husband that, like it must be nice

769
00:37:33,640 --> 00:37:35,759
Speaker 1: to just not care and just get me polite and

770
00:37:35,840 --> 00:37:37,520
Speaker 1: happy all the time. But I couldn't. I grew up

771
00:37:37,520 --> 00:37:39,360
Speaker 1: in the hood. First of all, you don't smile. The

772
00:37:39,400 --> 00:37:41,279
Speaker 1: people in the hood like you you gotta meet my

773
00:37:41,400 --> 00:37:43,040
Speaker 1: other dude, so they know. They don't try you. Like,

774
00:37:43,520 --> 00:37:47,160
Speaker 1: if you smile, that's like an invitation, Like, don't come

775
00:37:47,200 --> 00:37:55,160
Speaker 1: across the street. I'm not nice. Yeah that's me, that's me,

776
00:37:55,600 --> 00:37:57,200
Speaker 1: you know. But like you have to be rough and

777
00:37:57,280 --> 00:37:59,719
Speaker 1: tough and to survive, and so we don't always get

778
00:37:59,760 --> 00:38:02,240
Speaker 1: the luxury even when you were staying like your mom's

779
00:38:02,280 --> 00:38:05,239
Speaker 1: like how they were about your hair. It's because little

780
00:38:05,280 --> 00:38:08,000
Speaker 1: black girls were sexualized. They were taken from plantations, they

781
00:38:08,040 --> 00:38:11,480
Speaker 1: were taking and molested and married off and traffic now, yes,

782
00:38:11,840 --> 00:38:14,480
Speaker 1: So imagine back then when you had zero rights. So

783
00:38:14,640 --> 00:38:16,840
Speaker 1: the way they parented their children and their daughters was

784
00:38:16,920 --> 00:38:19,840
Speaker 1: out of survival. They're teaching you to survive in this world.

785
00:38:20,160 --> 00:38:22,560
Speaker 1: Was the least amount of anything happening to you, just

786
00:38:22,600 --> 00:38:24,160
Speaker 1: to how we are with our kids. Like I always say,

787
00:38:24,200 --> 00:38:26,280
Speaker 1: you see kids in the restaurant, and it was always

788
00:38:26,360 --> 00:38:28,840
Speaker 1: usually white kids, like running around, being carefree, throwing it

789
00:38:28,960 --> 00:38:31,480
Speaker 1: across the table, and like your parents like don't move,

790
00:38:31,520 --> 00:38:33,080
Speaker 1: don't talk, like you can't breath. You're like in a

791
00:38:33,120 --> 00:38:37,040
Speaker 1: damn military, you know what I mean, Because they were fearful,

792
00:38:37,200 --> 00:38:39,200
Speaker 1: and the and the judgment part of it, just like

793
00:38:39,520 --> 00:38:41,279
Speaker 1: don't be acting a certain way the way that they

794
00:38:41,360 --> 00:38:44,359
Speaker 1: expect to act. Like. You know, it's like the little

795
00:38:44,360 --> 00:38:47,359
Speaker 1: black boy in school gets gets labeled as problematic when

796
00:38:47,400 --> 00:38:50,800
Speaker 1: he's bored and really right and he's really a genius.

797
00:38:51,000 --> 00:38:53,680
Speaker 1: You know. It's it's a it's a lot of unlearning.

798
00:38:53,840 --> 00:38:56,360
Speaker 1: But it's interesting because as I've gotten older, like and

799
00:38:56,520 --> 00:38:59,239
Speaker 1: I have found my own independence, and I now i'm

800
00:38:59,280 --> 00:39:01,719
Speaker 1: a mother and I'm as a child, I really do

801
00:39:02,239 --> 00:39:05,520
Speaker 1: understand and have more compassion for my mom because I

802
00:39:05,680 --> 00:39:07,800
Speaker 1: give them so much great, because I'm just like, I

803
00:39:07,880 --> 00:39:10,080
Speaker 1: can't even imagine what it was like, and like how

804
00:39:10,200 --> 00:39:13,160
Speaker 1: far that they've come, Like how far she's how now

805
00:39:13,280 --> 00:39:15,480
Speaker 1: that like, I feel more confident with myself to sit

806
00:39:15,560 --> 00:39:18,960
Speaker 1: and have woman to woman conversations. And that took, that

807
00:39:19,040 --> 00:39:22,839
Speaker 1: took a really identifiable moment. It was when it became

808
00:39:22,840 --> 00:39:25,040
Speaker 1: a mother. It turns out I was just like, listen,

809
00:39:25,320 --> 00:39:27,759
Speaker 1: I will always be your daughter, but I am a

810
00:39:27,880 --> 00:39:29,920
Speaker 1: woman now and I'm a mother now, and I need

811
00:39:30,000 --> 00:39:32,840
Speaker 1: you to respect me and I need us to interact

812
00:39:32,880 --> 00:39:35,400
Speaker 1: as such. My mom and I had a conversation recently

813
00:39:35,440 --> 00:39:39,520
Speaker 1: where she unpacked some things about herself and her life

814
00:39:39,600 --> 00:39:43,680
Speaker 1: that really made me understand so much more so much

815
00:39:43,719 --> 00:39:45,960
Speaker 1: more so much more about her and what makes her

816
00:39:46,000 --> 00:39:49,200
Speaker 1: tick and why she made the decisions that she made,

817
00:39:49,320 --> 00:39:51,239
Speaker 1: and why she she moved a certain kind of way

818
00:39:51,280 --> 00:39:53,799
Speaker 1: that I will admit I used to judge her from

819
00:39:55,000 --> 00:39:58,839
Speaker 1: imagine sad you know, maybe the way you parent your

820
00:39:58,880 --> 00:40:01,319
Speaker 1: kids now, Like imagine had she had that skill at

821
00:40:01,360 --> 00:40:04,279
Speaker 1: that time, just be like, hey, I'm not just telling

822
00:40:04,320 --> 00:40:06,399
Speaker 1: you don't straighten your hair, don't wear a crop top.

823
00:40:06,760 --> 00:40:10,400
Speaker 1: There is something behind it right this, and you know,

824
00:40:10,520 --> 00:40:13,520
Speaker 1: ABC Listen, I love that she did that because then

825
00:40:13,560 --> 00:40:15,160
Speaker 1: I was able to just see a little bit of

826
00:40:15,239 --> 00:40:18,560
Speaker 1: a weight lifted off, and I just felt like, Okay, Mom,

827
00:40:18,640 --> 00:40:20,440
Speaker 1: like this is cool, Like this is what we're doing

828
00:40:20,480 --> 00:40:22,120
Speaker 1: in this generation now, Like I know you might have

829
00:40:22,200 --> 00:40:24,480
Speaker 1: been taught this all your life, but it's okay. Like

830
00:40:24,520 --> 00:40:26,440
Speaker 1: I feel like I want to provide a safe space

831
00:40:26,560 --> 00:40:28,480
Speaker 1: for my mom to be able to say, you know, Okay,

832
00:40:28,560 --> 00:40:30,680
Speaker 1: this is why things are the way they are when

833
00:40:30,760 --> 00:40:32,399
Speaker 1: it came to certain things that we were talking about,

834
00:40:32,880 --> 00:40:34,600
Speaker 1: you know. And it's funny because then I always look

835
00:40:34,640 --> 00:40:36,919
Speaker 1: at her and I have those moments where I'm just like, damn,

836
00:40:37,000 --> 00:40:39,960
Speaker 1: I'm like we have more a light than after you

837
00:40:40,040 --> 00:40:42,000
Speaker 1: have those moments where you're like I'm turning into my mom.

838
00:40:43,920 --> 00:40:46,680
Speaker 1: That drove me crazy about your Don't let your husband

839
00:40:46,680 --> 00:40:49,360
Speaker 1: say you just like your mom? Right, don't you do?

840
00:40:49,640 --> 00:40:53,480
Speaker 1: Don't you don't because you really try to say it,

841
00:40:56,200 --> 00:40:58,040
Speaker 1: like don't you match your mom? I'd like, do you

842
00:40:58,120 --> 00:41:01,520
Speaker 1: want to stay married? The best part is that my

843
00:41:01,600 --> 00:41:04,440
Speaker 1: husband mama across country with no one, and I'm like,

844
00:41:04,600 --> 00:41:06,319
Speaker 1: you live with your mother in law and a road,

845
00:41:06,400 --> 00:41:10,600
Speaker 1: Like that's admirable because that's Mama. It is, but it

846
00:41:10,800 --> 00:41:13,280
Speaker 1: but also he also knows what's good for his marriage.

847
00:41:13,600 --> 00:41:16,640
Speaker 1: That is because now you got help and now you

848
00:41:16,719 --> 00:41:20,480
Speaker 1: can get away and you can have his baby daddy.

849
00:41:20,520 --> 00:41:26,360
Speaker 1: Shout out to the grandma from the baby daddies. Though, So,

850
00:41:26,600 --> 00:41:29,000
Speaker 1: going back to sexuality and how we got here to

851
00:41:29,120 --> 00:41:31,560
Speaker 1: have all these children, apparently there was something that attracted

852
00:41:31,600 --> 00:41:36,600
Speaker 1: our husband's Apparently what I mean these baby daddies. You know,

853
00:41:36,680 --> 00:41:38,360
Speaker 1: we was we was throwing it up and it was

854
00:41:38,440 --> 00:41:42,640
Speaker 1: catching right, so that I was not right, and we

855
00:41:42,800 --> 00:41:52,000
Speaker 1: meditated our baby physical interaction. But I love it, said,

856
00:41:52,280 --> 00:41:54,680
Speaker 1: how are you guys with each other in the house

857
00:41:54,880 --> 00:41:57,279
Speaker 1: in front of the children, Because that's one thing that

858
00:41:57,800 --> 00:42:00,279
Speaker 1: my husband and I also have gotten criticism about. You know,

859
00:42:00,719 --> 00:42:02,320
Speaker 1: in a video he woke up behind me slap my

860
00:42:02,360 --> 00:42:04,120
Speaker 1: ask because he does that several times a day and

861
00:42:04,200 --> 00:42:06,240
Speaker 1: that's one of his ways of that's his love language.

862
00:42:06,480 --> 00:42:09,080
Speaker 1: I mean, so like, you know, does your ask its

863
00:42:09,080 --> 00:42:12,000
Speaker 1: slapped randomly back? You know during the day, what does

864
00:42:12,040 --> 00:42:15,560
Speaker 1: that look like? Literally not even a conversation. It's the

865
00:42:15,640 --> 00:42:18,800
Speaker 1: non verbal right like with like with the kids. Obviously

866
00:42:18,840 --> 00:42:22,200
Speaker 1: Berkeley is old enough to even observe. She knows that's

867
00:42:22,239 --> 00:42:24,040
Speaker 1: just what brown folks. Do you know what I mean? Like,

868
00:42:24,200 --> 00:42:27,880
Speaker 1: it's not it's not In my opinion, that's absolutely not inappropriate.

869
00:42:28,000 --> 00:42:30,280
Speaker 1: The same way kissing and showing affection, in my opinion,

870
00:42:30,280 --> 00:42:33,279
Speaker 1: it's not inappropriate. I know people who for me, my

871
00:42:33,400 --> 00:42:35,759
Speaker 1: parents weren't together, so I didn't grow up seeing any

872
00:42:35,800 --> 00:42:39,080
Speaker 1: affection because my parents weren't together. Um. But you know,

873
00:42:39,200 --> 00:42:41,040
Speaker 1: I have friends who have grown up in households and

874
00:42:41,080 --> 00:42:45,000
Speaker 1: they never saw their parents be affectionate or even and

875
00:42:45,080 --> 00:42:47,560
Speaker 1: they didn't notice it until later in life where they

876
00:42:47,640 --> 00:42:50,359
Speaker 1: kind of look back like, wow, like did y'all even

877
00:42:50,480 --> 00:42:53,279
Speaker 1: look like were you just kind of going through the

878
00:42:53,360 --> 00:42:55,359
Speaker 1: motions of a family and just sort of like stuck

879
00:42:55,480 --> 00:42:57,279
Speaker 1: or in And then how that affects them now as

880
00:42:57,280 --> 00:43:01,520
Speaker 1: an adult interactions with the you know, their personal exactly.

881
00:43:01,800 --> 00:43:05,040
Speaker 1: And so I think modeling is huge. You know, guys

882
00:43:05,719 --> 00:43:08,200
Speaker 1: write what does it do? I mean, say, how does

883
00:43:08,200 --> 00:43:12,719
Speaker 1: that do? But I do? And what the same time

884
00:43:12,920 --> 00:43:15,120
Speaker 1: the same is that different for you? Like do you

885
00:43:15,160 --> 00:43:16,600
Speaker 1: have a little boy? Because we have free boys, you

886
00:43:16,680 --> 00:43:19,160
Speaker 1: have a boy, So knowing how boys should conduct themselves

887
00:43:19,200 --> 00:43:21,440
Speaker 1: when it comes to little girls, it's also a very

888
00:43:21,480 --> 00:43:23,719
Speaker 1: big topic for us to I haven't gotten there yet

889
00:43:23,760 --> 00:43:30,719
Speaker 1: we're very grateful, worried about no girls. Right, if Jared

890
00:43:30,760 --> 00:43:33,600
Speaker 1: slaps my ask, Cam thinks it's hilarious, like he thinks

891
00:43:33,600 --> 00:43:35,520
Speaker 1: it's actually really funny, but you know it's really it's

892
00:43:35,520 --> 00:43:38,640
Speaker 1: funny because I'll share this story because it's perfectly relative.

893
00:43:39,000 --> 00:43:41,120
Speaker 1: The other night, Jared and I like, because Cam he

894
00:43:41,320 --> 00:43:43,560
Speaker 1: just will not stay in his bed, like he wakes

895
00:43:43,680 --> 00:43:45,520
Speaker 1: up Garrett, like if he goes to sleep at eight

896
00:43:45,600 --> 00:43:48,080
Speaker 1: thirty nine o'clock, it's like that twelve thirty one a m.

897
00:43:48,200 --> 00:43:51,280
Speaker 1: It's like he he goes up topstairs, he says, guys,

898
00:43:52,160 --> 00:43:53,960
Speaker 1: it's time to go to bed now. He tries to

899
00:43:54,040 --> 00:43:56,239
Speaker 1: parent us. Right. So one night we were like, oh,

900
00:43:56,360 --> 00:43:58,160
Speaker 1: we haven't even had some time together. So we were like,

901
00:43:58,360 --> 00:43:59,960
Speaker 1: let's go to sleep early. So we ended up taking

902
00:44:00,000 --> 00:44:02,320
Speaker 1: the shower together, me and Jared, right, but we like

903
00:44:02,840 --> 00:44:05,800
Speaker 1: did not hear Cameron wake up. He busted in the

904
00:44:05,880 --> 00:44:08,600
Speaker 1: room and like we were we weren't even doing anything

905
00:44:08,680 --> 00:44:10,600
Speaker 1: christ We were having a conversation about the day, like

906
00:44:10,719 --> 00:44:12,960
Speaker 1: it was p G when we were in there together

907
00:44:13,080 --> 00:44:15,040
Speaker 1: and Cameron walked in and saw us in the shower

908
00:44:15,080 --> 00:44:16,640
Speaker 1: and he was just like, mom, Dad, it's time to

909
00:44:16,680 --> 00:44:20,120
Speaker 1: go to bed, like phase, you know what. I looked

910
00:44:20,160 --> 00:44:21,600
Speaker 1: at him, and I just looked at Jared and I

911
00:44:21,719 --> 00:44:23,480
Speaker 1: was just like, you know what, it's like, Mom and

912
00:44:23,560 --> 00:44:27,760
Speaker 1: dare taking a shower. There's nothing wrong with this. They're

913
00:44:27,920 --> 00:44:30,840
Speaker 1: having more on it, more context behind it when the

914
00:44:30,920 --> 00:44:32,600
Speaker 1: kids just kind of like, he was just like my

915
00:44:32,800 --> 00:44:34,279
Speaker 1: dad love each other. They sleep in the same bed,

916
00:44:34,320 --> 00:44:36,759
Speaker 1: they're affectionate. Like it didn't be like what are you

917
00:44:36,880 --> 00:44:39,600
Speaker 1: guys doing in the show. And I actually felt like

918
00:44:39,680 --> 00:44:42,000
Speaker 1: that's a win, Like I want him to know that

919
00:44:42,160 --> 00:44:44,440
Speaker 1: his parents love each other and they're intimate and they

920
00:44:44,760 --> 00:44:46,719
Speaker 1: you know, he doesn't need to see it. But but

921
00:44:46,880 --> 00:44:49,160
Speaker 1: I just love that there was no yeah, he wasn't.

922
00:44:49,239 --> 00:44:52,080
Speaker 1: He wasn't like, there was no like, yeah, he was

923
00:44:52,120 --> 00:44:53,560
Speaker 1: just like, okay, Mom, Dad's time to go to bed,

924
00:44:53,680 --> 00:44:56,759
Speaker 1: like y'all in the showers. Behind that, yeah, I love that.

925
00:44:56,960 --> 00:44:59,120
Speaker 1: But you know, Devalene are very conscious because Jackson, now

926
00:44:59,120 --> 00:45:02,120
Speaker 1: he's getting older, he's not and he does see us always,

927
00:45:02,320 --> 00:45:05,680
Speaker 1: you know, displaying affection with each other. And recently, actually

928
00:45:05,800 --> 00:45:07,919
Speaker 1: he was Jackson would hate me for telling the story,

929
00:45:08,000 --> 00:45:10,600
Speaker 1: but recently he was at you know, a neighbor's house

930
00:45:10,640 --> 00:45:12,360
Speaker 1: and whatnot. And they were sitting watching the TV and

931
00:45:12,400 --> 00:45:14,200
Speaker 1: he must have like went to put his arm like

932
00:45:14,360 --> 00:45:17,000
Speaker 1: kind of around her just because like that's what he

933
00:45:17,120 --> 00:45:21,719
Speaker 1: sees like being a colligent as a gentleman, and like,

934
00:45:21,960 --> 00:45:24,840
Speaker 1: you know, um, of course he was in a supervised environment. Naturally,

935
00:45:24,920 --> 00:45:26,640
Speaker 1: we trust you know that they find they were in

936
00:45:26,680 --> 00:45:29,120
Speaker 1: the living room and everything common space, but it was

937
00:45:29,200 --> 00:45:31,319
Speaker 1: just that, you know, he felt like, okay, because dad

938
00:45:31,400 --> 00:45:33,600
Speaker 1: does this with mom, like that's just what people do.

939
00:45:34,320 --> 00:45:36,359
Speaker 1: But then it had to be a conversation with human

940
00:45:36,400 --> 00:45:40,640
Speaker 1: devout after like, so I understand that you've seen this

941
00:45:40,760 --> 00:45:42,759
Speaker 1: with you know, mommy and daddy, but now we need

942
00:45:42,840 --> 00:45:46,759
Speaker 1: to unpack what this is for a boundaries. That's a

943
00:45:46,800 --> 00:45:50,760
Speaker 1: conversation of boundaries, Like you know what I said, boundaries.

944
00:45:50,800 --> 00:45:52,640
Speaker 1: All that conversation had to come up. And I was

945
00:45:52,680 --> 00:45:54,719
Speaker 1: almost like in tears over this because I'm like, wait

946
00:45:54,719 --> 00:45:57,480
Speaker 1: a second, like why are we having this conversation? Like

947
00:45:57,800 --> 00:45:59,600
Speaker 1: you know, and and some parents may just last it

948
00:45:59,640 --> 00:46:01,160
Speaker 1: off and say, oh, it was a funny kid moment.

949
00:46:01,280 --> 00:46:05,719
Speaker 1: But a black boy in America, Okay, what we're not

950
00:46:05,800 --> 00:46:07,240
Speaker 1: going to do is just have them just doing stuff

951
00:46:07,280 --> 00:46:09,640
Speaker 1: which to them may be innocent but can totally be.

952
00:46:09,800 --> 00:46:12,759
Speaker 1: But no, boys should be your parenting parenting that there

953
00:46:12,920 --> 00:46:16,320
Speaker 1: is a privilege that does come with whiteness and lightness,

954
00:46:16,400 --> 00:46:18,239
Speaker 1: do you know what I mean? And that often puts

955
00:46:18,680 --> 00:46:21,440
Speaker 1: but just cidebar. That is why people have those experiences

956
00:46:21,480 --> 00:46:23,880
Speaker 1: when they work incorporated, because when people have never been

957
00:46:23,960 --> 00:46:26,360
Speaker 1: told that that's not okay, they're really like, what do

958
00:46:26,440 --> 00:46:28,080
Speaker 1: you mean? I can't say that to you or touch

959
00:46:28,160 --> 00:46:30,440
Speaker 1: you that way or whatever. So everyone should be parenting

960
00:46:30,680 --> 00:46:33,520
Speaker 1: their sons the way like all races. That should be

961
00:46:33,600 --> 00:46:36,480
Speaker 1: a conversation that happens. Yes, yes, it's super important. And

962
00:46:36,520 --> 00:46:38,399
Speaker 1: I don't think that there are just those moments where

963
00:46:38,640 --> 00:46:42,480
Speaker 1: the conversation arises like its innocent. It was innocent when

964
00:46:42,520 --> 00:46:44,560
Speaker 1: he did that, and that was a perfect opening for

965
00:46:44,640 --> 00:46:48,200
Speaker 1: you to now educate conversation contact right, So it's not

966
00:46:48,320 --> 00:46:51,400
Speaker 1: like unloading just randomly. It's like we have also had

967
00:46:51,440 --> 00:46:53,000
Speaker 1: a policy. It's like you see it, you say it,

968
00:46:53,719 --> 00:46:56,320
Speaker 1: they don't delay, let's not talk about it later. And

969
00:46:56,400 --> 00:46:58,640
Speaker 1: I had that within our relationships and we carry our

970
00:46:58,719 --> 00:47:00,799
Speaker 1: children the same way. So it's like in this moment,

971
00:47:00,880 --> 00:47:03,000
Speaker 1: you understand how it felt right, You understand that it

972
00:47:03,080 --> 00:47:05,239
Speaker 1: may have been good or bad, whatever the case may be.

973
00:47:05,360 --> 00:47:07,000
Speaker 1: But we talked about it in that moment. I think

974
00:47:07,040 --> 00:47:09,560
Speaker 1: that's so important across the board. Whether it's girls you have,

975
00:47:09,719 --> 00:47:12,080
Speaker 1: whether it's boys you have, all that good. Although I

976
00:47:12,120 --> 00:47:15,480
Speaker 1: will be calling you in in six years, girl, how

977
00:47:15,520 --> 00:47:18,120
Speaker 1: do we handle this? I mean, speaking of that, I

978
00:47:18,200 --> 00:47:19,759
Speaker 1: think we might as well, Ashley, you would be I

979
00:47:19,800 --> 00:47:21,880
Speaker 1: got three boys, you've got three girls. I totally understand

980
00:47:21,880 --> 00:47:23,719
Speaker 1: why people arrange marriages because I want to make sure

981
00:47:24,320 --> 00:47:26,200
Speaker 1: that you know. I mean, I don't have a daughter

982
00:47:26,200 --> 00:47:28,600
Speaker 1: in law. She got to be from that. I say

983
00:47:28,640 --> 00:47:31,120
Speaker 1: that all the time too. I was like one of

984
00:47:31,160 --> 00:47:40,000
Speaker 1: my first I was like, nah my daughter Mary, Yeah, yeah,

985
00:47:40,320 --> 00:47:42,280
Speaker 1: Like you kind have been cool now, but you look raggedy.

986
00:47:43,040 --> 00:47:46,319
Speaker 1: So we don't know what girls, this has been such

987
00:47:46,320 --> 00:47:48,480
Speaker 1: a great conversation. I'm like clocking the time here and

988
00:47:48,520 --> 00:47:51,800
Speaker 1: I don't want this to be I can't hold you'll hostage.

989
00:47:52,640 --> 00:47:56,120
Speaker 1: I want to say something. I want to say something

990
00:47:56,160 --> 00:47:58,800
Speaker 1: about finding the sexy because I think it's really important.

991
00:47:58,880 --> 00:48:01,240
Speaker 1: I remember, like this came for me in a therapy

992
00:48:01,280 --> 00:48:08,040
Speaker 1: session with my therapist, and this therapy it is the thing, okay,

993
00:48:08,400 --> 00:48:10,840
Speaker 1: and so something that this the therapist told me this

994
00:48:10,960 --> 00:48:12,600
Speaker 1: was like three years ago, and I when I was

995
00:48:12,600 --> 00:48:14,320
Speaker 1: two years ago, and I remember I was just feeling

996
00:48:14,360 --> 00:48:16,439
Speaker 1: I was like, I just don't know. I just I'm

997
00:48:16,440 --> 00:48:18,800
Speaker 1: not feeling confident about myself and like, you know, and

998
00:48:18,840 --> 00:48:19,960
Speaker 1: I was telling her, I was like, I feel like

999
00:48:20,000 --> 00:48:22,319
Speaker 1: I'm lacking the discipline, like I say that I want

1000
00:48:22,360 --> 00:48:24,160
Speaker 1: to be a certain size or look a certain way,

1001
00:48:24,520 --> 00:48:26,640
Speaker 1: but like I showed up here with the muffin, right

1002
00:48:27,000 --> 00:48:29,120
Speaker 1: and she was just like, you're trying to control the

1003
00:48:29,160 --> 00:48:31,960
Speaker 1: situation because you feel out of control. So you eating

1004
00:48:32,000 --> 00:48:34,399
Speaker 1: the muffin makes you feel in control because you don't

1005
00:48:34,400 --> 00:48:36,800
Speaker 1: feel like you're in control otherwise. And so she was like,

1006
00:48:36,840 --> 00:48:40,400
Speaker 1: I want you to stop waiting to feel good about yourself.

1007
00:48:41,600 --> 00:48:44,160
Speaker 1: And I was like, it's on the other side. She

1008
00:48:44,320 --> 00:48:46,400
Speaker 1: was just like I don't care. She's like, stop waiting

1009
00:48:46,440 --> 00:48:49,480
Speaker 1: to get to a size, to go buy the outfit

1010
00:48:49,560 --> 00:48:51,680
Speaker 1: that you deserve. She's like, go find an outfit right

1011
00:48:51,760 --> 00:48:54,839
Speaker 1: now that makes you feel sexy. That wasn't me. Yes,

1012
00:48:55,000 --> 00:48:58,040
Speaker 1: So when I was pregnant with my last daughter, because

1013
00:48:58,080 --> 00:49:00,920
Speaker 1: I definitely suffered from body dysmorphy from ballet, so I

1014
00:49:00,960 --> 00:49:03,200
Speaker 1: always think that I'm bigger than I really am um,

1015
00:49:03,520 --> 00:49:05,880
Speaker 1: and because I was dancing all day long, I never

1016
00:49:06,120 --> 00:49:08,239
Speaker 1: had to go to the gym. So even after I

1017
00:49:08,480 --> 00:49:10,320
Speaker 1: like stopped doing ballet, I had to learn how to

1018
00:49:10,400 --> 00:49:13,120
Speaker 1: work out. Make that because my lifestyle was working out.

1019
00:49:14,040 --> 00:49:15,680
Speaker 1: So I worked out a lot with the first two

1020
00:49:15,800 --> 00:49:18,839
Speaker 1: with because I said it was so close. They were

1021
00:49:18,880 --> 00:49:21,480
Speaker 1: like twenty months apart. Um I had like this pelvic

1022
00:49:21,680 --> 00:49:24,239
Speaker 1: separation thing that it was hurting, so I couldn't work

1023
00:49:24,239 --> 00:49:26,440
Speaker 1: out a lot because I could barely walk. And I

1024
00:49:26,560 --> 00:49:29,000
Speaker 1: only gained twenty five pounds when I was pregnant, but

1025
00:49:29,080 --> 00:49:32,040
Speaker 1: it didn't matter, like I didn't gain the weight until

1026
00:49:32,120 --> 00:49:34,200
Speaker 1: after I had her because I was still injured. So

1027
00:49:34,360 --> 00:49:36,319
Speaker 1: normally I would just start working out. So I'm still

1028
00:49:36,400 --> 00:49:39,560
Speaker 1: eating breastfeeding and I gained like thirty pounds, and but

1029
00:49:39,680 --> 00:49:42,120
Speaker 1: when I was pregnant, I was still feeling like not

1030
00:49:42,280 --> 00:49:44,640
Speaker 1: my best. And Melanie was like, Ashley, you need to

1031
00:49:44,760 --> 00:49:46,839
Speaker 1: love yourself, and I was like, I don't have nothing fits.

1032
00:49:46,880 --> 00:49:49,239
Speaker 1: She said, then go buy something that fits you and

1033
00:49:49,400 --> 00:49:52,239
Speaker 1: feel good about how and even after where she said

1034
00:49:52,280 --> 00:49:53,799
Speaker 1: something to me again because I said something to her

1035
00:49:53,800 --> 00:49:57,320
Speaker 1: about it. But it's really hard to like love yourself

1036
00:49:57,400 --> 00:49:59,080
Speaker 1: when you have an idea of how you used to

1037
00:49:59,160 --> 00:50:00,719
Speaker 1: look or what you know, what I I mean like

1038
00:50:01,320 --> 00:50:04,359
Speaker 1: that is a real journey of accepting the way you look,

1039
00:50:04,400 --> 00:50:07,160
Speaker 1: accepting stretch marks, accepting that your breast don't look the same,

1040
00:50:07,480 --> 00:50:10,200
Speaker 1: all of that, and then finding things that fit you

1041
00:50:10,280 --> 00:50:14,759
Speaker 1: and make you feel good with somebody. Because as a stylist,

1042
00:50:15,160 --> 00:50:17,920
Speaker 1: obviously I address people of all different sizes, but my

1043
00:50:18,040 --> 00:50:20,560
Speaker 1: main thing is really and truly people feeling good about

1044
00:50:20,560 --> 00:50:22,879
Speaker 1: the exactly And I actually did this i G TV

1045
00:50:23,040 --> 00:50:26,480
Speaker 1: episode um of like just a little talk with my

1046
00:50:26,560 --> 00:50:29,600
Speaker 1: best friend, and it's that exact topic. It's about dressing

1047
00:50:29,640 --> 00:50:35,960
Speaker 1: for your dress y you never know who you're I

1048
00:50:36,080 --> 00:50:39,040
Speaker 1: literally saw it and was like that a lot of people,

1049
00:50:39,320 --> 00:50:42,120
Speaker 1: a lot of people weren't thinking that way because they're

1050
00:50:42,160 --> 00:50:44,120
Speaker 1: thinking about the way that you're describing, which is how

1051
00:50:44,160 --> 00:50:46,919
Speaker 1: you feel after especially after you have a child. Body

1052
00:50:47,000 --> 00:50:48,520
Speaker 1: is completely different and you don't know how to dress

1053
00:50:48,520 --> 00:50:50,840
Speaker 1: your body and maybe don't feel confident. Nothing fits. And

1054
00:50:50,920 --> 00:50:53,319
Speaker 1: like you said, you think happiness is once you lose

1055
00:50:53,360 --> 00:50:55,640
Speaker 1: the weight, once you get to a place that and

1056
00:50:56,120 --> 00:50:58,160
Speaker 1: it's like why sitting that for year one, year two,

1057
00:50:58,200 --> 00:51:00,080
Speaker 1: year three, when hey, why don't you find something and

1058
00:51:00,160 --> 00:51:03,560
Speaker 1: that fits right now, and don't let the number. That

1059
00:51:03,680 --> 00:51:06,239
Speaker 1: was like one of the main topics of the number,

1060
00:51:06,320 --> 00:51:07,960
Speaker 1: the number, like oh, I used to be a size

1061
00:51:08,880 --> 00:51:11,040
Speaker 1: and now I'm thirty two, Like there's nothing wrong with that.

1062
00:51:11,160 --> 00:51:14,160
Speaker 1: And sometimes the confidence can actually come from just yes,

1063
00:51:14,440 --> 00:51:17,439
Speaker 1: embracing that moment and putting the effort into that moment

1064
00:51:17,560 --> 00:51:22,680
Speaker 1: into very so I would not buy I'd never bought

1065
00:51:22,719 --> 00:51:25,160
Speaker 1: bigger clothes because they're like, well, no, that's how I

1066
00:51:25,360 --> 00:51:28,279
Speaker 1: kept myself the same size. So anytime it started, my

1067
00:51:28,360 --> 00:51:33,000
Speaker 1: pants started to get thicker or a little bit more.

1068
00:51:33,160 --> 00:51:35,800
Speaker 1: And that's not necessarily an unhealthy thing, because it's a

1069
00:51:35,840 --> 00:51:37,920
Speaker 1: good way to monitor, Like you know, you don't want

1070
00:51:37,920 --> 00:51:40,120
Speaker 1: to just let be unhealthy if you're especially if it's

1071
00:51:40,120 --> 00:51:42,680
Speaker 1: an unhealthy practice. But also like you, I had a baby,

1072
00:51:43,120 --> 00:51:45,400
Speaker 1: so it's like that's grace. I'm like, I'm just not

1073
00:51:45,440 --> 00:51:47,359
Speaker 1: going to wear clothes until I can fit into him.

1074
00:51:47,640 --> 00:51:51,440
Speaker 1: That's how we end up like sweats for three years straight, right,

1075
00:51:52,320 --> 00:51:55,680
Speaker 1: I can relate. It's so funny because like after having

1076
00:51:55,760 --> 00:51:59,040
Speaker 1: cam like like my look my breast, I'm going to

1077
00:51:59,160 --> 00:52:00,520
Speaker 1: my own or they used to it up and they

1078
00:52:00,560 --> 00:52:07,440
Speaker 1: were like no, no, no, what you see I never know.

1079
00:52:07,560 --> 00:52:09,719
Speaker 1: It's so funny. Is that a girlfriend of mine? She

1080
00:52:09,840 --> 00:52:12,680
Speaker 1: was like, yes, let the titties live, and I was

1081
00:52:12,800 --> 00:52:15,440
Speaker 1: like to me, I'm always like, no, they're so much

1082
00:52:15,480 --> 00:52:17,279
Speaker 1: bigger than they were. I don't know how to wear

1083
00:52:17,360 --> 00:52:20,640
Speaker 1: big breasts, and like that is a thing. So like again,

1084
00:52:20,760 --> 00:52:23,880
Speaker 1: like you just we're always so critical of ourselves, and

1085
00:52:24,000 --> 00:52:26,759
Speaker 1: I just feel like we have to totally encourage one

1086
00:52:26,800 --> 00:52:30,120
Speaker 1: another to be like, listen, style yourself for how you

1087
00:52:30,239 --> 00:52:32,719
Speaker 1: are right now. Make yourself feel good today. We know

1088
00:52:32,880 --> 00:52:35,480
Speaker 1: that tomorrow ain't promise, okay, and you don't want to

1089
00:52:35,560 --> 00:52:37,520
Speaker 1: want to be sitting here with lack of self love today.

1090
00:52:37,880 --> 00:52:41,080
Speaker 1: So I just want to encourage that picture, post that ship.

1091
00:52:42,520 --> 00:52:45,520
Speaker 1: Drop it when he said drop it, drop it when

1092
00:52:45,560 --> 00:52:48,160
Speaker 1: you want to drop it, okay, because that nobody allowing

1093
00:52:48,200 --> 00:52:50,800
Speaker 1: you to do nothing. That is when I listen to

1094
00:52:50,880 --> 00:52:54,160
Speaker 1: you and tell me what you do, that's when it

1095
00:52:54,200 --> 00:52:59,319
Speaker 1: takes to exactly. I love it so much. Listen, we're

1096
00:52:59,360 --> 00:53:01,080
Speaker 1: gonna take a quick break and we're gonna move into

1097
00:53:01,120 --> 00:53:02,960
Speaker 1: one quick listener letter because we spoke up so much

1098
00:53:02,960 --> 00:53:05,399
Speaker 1: time chatting. We had so many good things, but people

1099
00:53:05,480 --> 00:53:07,279
Speaker 1: like to ask us questions and we can give the

1100
00:53:07,320 --> 00:53:09,640
Speaker 1: team what we think is going on. So stay tune,

1101
00:53:09,719 --> 00:53:11,719
Speaker 1: stick around. We're on pay some bills and we will

1102
00:53:11,719 --> 00:53:29,800
Speaker 1: be right back. Alright, y'all. So we're back for listener letters.

1103
00:53:29,880 --> 00:53:32,040
Speaker 1: This is where people write in and they have questions,

1104
00:53:32,160 --> 00:53:34,239
Speaker 1: they have stories. I mean, let me tell you. I'll

1105
00:53:34,239 --> 00:53:36,319
Speaker 1: ask for people to give us context sometimes because they

1106
00:53:36,360 --> 00:53:37,840
Speaker 1: have a question and I'm like, well, I don't know

1107
00:53:38,040 --> 00:53:40,040
Speaker 1: how to answer this question. So we get in lots

1108
00:53:40,120 --> 00:53:42,879
Speaker 1: of contexts apparently, So listen, listen closely to this one.

1109
00:53:42,960 --> 00:53:46,040
Speaker 1: She gave us a whole, uh whole sonnet about what's

1110
00:53:46,080 --> 00:53:48,640
Speaker 1: happening here. All right. My ex boyfriend and I recently

1111
00:53:48,680 --> 00:53:51,080
Speaker 1: just graduated from college. He broke up with me about

1112
00:53:51,120 --> 00:53:53,400
Speaker 1: a year ago because he said he wanted to just

1113
00:53:53,520 --> 00:53:55,680
Speaker 1: focus on himself and figure out who he is and

1114
00:53:55,840 --> 00:54:00,799
Speaker 1: what he wants. We're also long distance couples, so I'm

1115
00:54:00,880 --> 00:54:02,799
Speaker 1: sure that had a lot to do with it as well.

1116
00:54:03,520 --> 00:54:05,200
Speaker 1: I'm at the point now where I've tried to move

1117
00:54:05,280 --> 00:54:07,000
Speaker 1: on and talk to other people, but I just cannot

1118
00:54:07,040 --> 00:54:10,480
Speaker 1: get him out of my head. Oh baby, I know

1119
00:54:10,600 --> 00:54:12,560
Speaker 1: this may sound crazy, but I do believe that he's

1120
00:54:12,600 --> 00:54:15,200
Speaker 1: the one I'm supposed to be with forever. From the

1121
00:54:15,239 --> 00:54:17,200
Speaker 1: moment we broke up, he said that he wanted us

1122
00:54:17,239 --> 00:54:19,680
Speaker 1: to still remain friends. It did not work out well

1123
00:54:19,719 --> 00:54:22,480
Speaker 1: at first, and we ended up spending several months not

1124
00:54:22,600 --> 00:54:24,839
Speaker 1: communicating at all. I was just so angry and hurt

1125
00:54:24,880 --> 00:54:27,480
Speaker 1: that he wanted to end up blocking me on everything.

1126
00:54:28,520 --> 00:54:31,200
Speaker 1: These several of these past several months, we started communicating again,

1127
00:54:31,239 --> 00:54:33,279
Speaker 1: and it's going pretty well. For the most part. It's

1128
00:54:33,400 --> 00:54:36,240
Speaker 1: pretty pretty casual. We just text every now and again,

1129
00:54:36,360 --> 00:54:38,400
Speaker 1: maybe a phone call here and there. I mentioned us

1130
00:54:38,440 --> 00:54:40,800
Speaker 1: getting back together, and he's pretty adamant about us just

1131
00:54:40,920 --> 00:54:43,600
Speaker 1: being friends. But I'm still so in love with him

1132
00:54:43,640 --> 00:54:45,000
Speaker 1: that I don't know what to do. I feel like

1133
00:54:45,040 --> 00:54:47,040
Speaker 1: a crazy person because how could I be so in

1134
00:54:47,120 --> 00:54:50,319
Speaker 1: love with someone and he just feels nothing. Is being

1135
00:54:50,440 --> 00:54:53,440
Speaker 1: friends even a good idea at this point? Or should

1136
00:54:53,440 --> 00:54:55,960
Speaker 1: I just cut off communication completely and let God handle it.

1137
00:54:56,400 --> 00:54:59,160
Speaker 1: I am honestly afraid to do that, because what if

1138
00:54:59,200 --> 00:55:07,080
Speaker 1: he never comes back she left the next time? Y'all

1139
00:55:07,120 --> 00:55:09,480
Speaker 1: please drop your signs so we know what the hell

1140
00:55:09,560 --> 00:55:11,560
Speaker 1: is going on. That's going to give us more context

1141
00:55:11,600 --> 00:55:16,560
Speaker 1: about anybody want to Yes, I feel very connected to Sis.

1142
00:55:17,040 --> 00:55:19,759
Speaker 1: I've only been into relationships and I'm just a person

1143
00:55:19,840 --> 00:55:23,200
Speaker 1: that learns very quickly, but not um. But my past

1144
00:55:23,239 --> 00:55:26,399
Speaker 1: relationship for eight years, I was definitely like that my friends.

1145
00:55:26,560 --> 00:55:28,200
Speaker 1: I'm always tell my friends like thank God that I

1146
00:55:28,320 --> 00:55:30,880
Speaker 1: let on my stocker tendencies, but like my no, my

1147
00:55:30,960 --> 00:55:32,520
Speaker 1: for like, my ex and I were together for a

1148
00:55:32,600 --> 00:55:34,640
Speaker 1: really long time. That's the first person I was ever with.

1149
00:55:34,800 --> 00:55:36,759
Speaker 1: So I think that I felt like I had to

1150
00:55:36,840 --> 00:55:38,440
Speaker 1: be with him, I had to make it work. It

1151
00:55:38,480 --> 00:55:40,320
Speaker 1: made me feel better consciously, like, oh, I won't be

1152
00:55:40,320 --> 00:55:42,240
Speaker 1: sleeping with a lot of people and if we get married.

1153
00:55:42,440 --> 00:55:44,080
Speaker 1: You know, I was young. We were together from like

1154
00:55:44,680 --> 00:55:48,880
Speaker 1: sixteen until I was twenty two. Um, And so I

1155
00:55:49,080 --> 00:55:52,080
Speaker 1: understand that because I remember when he broke up with

1156
00:55:52,200 --> 00:55:54,040
Speaker 1: me and then I was like crying and stuff, and

1157
00:55:54,080 --> 00:55:56,879
Speaker 1: then we got back together. And in retrospect, I feel

1158
00:55:56,920 --> 00:56:00,960
Speaker 1: like he wanted well he told me later anyway, but

1159
00:56:01,080 --> 00:56:03,560
Speaker 1: like he loved me, but he wasn't ready to be

1160
00:56:03,760 --> 00:56:07,200
Speaker 1: in a committed relationship. And because he loved me so much,

1161
00:56:07,200 --> 00:56:09,040
Speaker 1: when he would see me sad, he would like to

1162
00:56:09,040 --> 00:56:11,759
Speaker 1: get back with me or like keep the communication, and

1163
00:56:11,920 --> 00:56:16,080
Speaker 1: it creates a toxic surf. It has to be and

1164
00:56:16,160 --> 00:56:18,400
Speaker 1: so It wasn't until my sister passed away and I

1165
00:56:18,520 --> 00:56:19,920
Speaker 1: just moved to New York. Like it was like the

1166
00:56:20,000 --> 00:56:21,360
Speaker 1: last break up we had, and I was like, I

1167
00:56:21,440 --> 00:56:23,120
Speaker 1: have to I have to be away because it's like

1168
00:56:23,160 --> 00:56:25,480
Speaker 1: an addiction. I feel like I was addicted to him,

1169
00:56:25,520 --> 00:56:26,560
Speaker 1: do you know what I mean? And like I just

1170
00:56:26,719 --> 00:56:29,400
Speaker 1: wanted to be together, and he kept getting back with

1171
00:56:29,440 --> 00:56:31,239
Speaker 1: me and then cheating on me because he I think

1172
00:56:31,280 --> 00:56:32,560
Speaker 1: he just didn't really want to be with you, do

1173
00:56:32,560 --> 00:56:34,080
Speaker 1: you know what I mean? And I couldn't accept that,

1174
00:56:34,080 --> 00:56:35,480
Speaker 1: and we were both so young, and he didn't know

1175
00:56:35,520 --> 00:56:38,080
Speaker 1: how to articulate that. So my best advice to her

1176
00:56:38,160 --> 00:56:40,000
Speaker 1: would be to just you have to do something to

1177
00:56:40,080 --> 00:56:41,600
Speaker 1: allow yourself to let it go. If you need to,

1178
00:56:41,760 --> 00:56:45,040
Speaker 1: like block him until you're strong enough, you know, to

1179
00:56:45,160 --> 00:56:48,520
Speaker 1: see him. But he's telling you right now what he

1180
00:56:48,640 --> 00:56:51,200
Speaker 1: wants and it's not to be with I appreciate, honestly

1181
00:56:51,400 --> 00:56:54,960
Speaker 1: Ye's being at that age. I just think of myself

1182
00:56:55,000 --> 00:56:56,640
Speaker 1: at that age. And it's funny when I heard the

1183
00:56:56,680 --> 00:56:59,960
Speaker 1: story because that was my situation with my ex boyfriend

1184
00:57:00,040 --> 00:57:02,720
Speaker 1: in my twenties or my teens and my twenties in college.

1185
00:57:02,960 --> 00:57:05,279
Speaker 1: That's what how I broke up with him. It was

1186
00:57:05,400 --> 00:57:09,279
Speaker 1: basically there wasn't any crazy moment. It was just I

1187
00:57:09,440 --> 00:57:11,680
Speaker 1: was at that place where I wanted to experience the world.

1188
00:57:12,040 --> 00:57:13,759
Speaker 1: And I feel like at that age, when you're in

1189
00:57:13,800 --> 00:57:18,120
Speaker 1: a long term relationship, your identity really is intertwined. And

1190
00:57:19,800 --> 00:57:22,240
Speaker 1: that's probably why she's having such a hard time breaking

1191
00:57:22,280 --> 00:57:24,880
Speaker 1: away from it, because he is her identity, Like who

1192
00:57:25,040 --> 00:57:28,920
Speaker 1: is she without him? And so you know, she might think, oh, no,

1193
00:57:29,000 --> 00:57:30,400
Speaker 1: it's just because I love him so much, this much,

1194
00:57:30,520 --> 00:57:32,440
Speaker 1: this is this, But maybe she just really doesn't know

1195
00:57:32,600 --> 00:57:35,920
Speaker 1: herself enough to be able to identify, like, you know,

1196
00:57:36,000 --> 00:57:41,080
Speaker 1: who am I without this person attachment? It's Familiarito's familiarity.

1197
00:57:41,240 --> 00:57:43,160
Speaker 1: You know, she's if he is the only person she's

1198
00:57:43,160 --> 00:57:46,920
Speaker 1: been real is like if she's if you're thinking long term,

1199
00:57:46,960 --> 00:57:48,280
Speaker 1: if you're thinking like I want to be with this

1200
00:57:48,400 --> 00:57:50,920
Speaker 1: person forever, you don't want to be with anybody forever

1201
00:57:51,040 --> 00:57:54,240
Speaker 1: without having experienced the world. That's that That was the struggle,

1202
00:57:54,520 --> 00:57:55,880
Speaker 1: and I had to We got together when we were

1203
00:57:55,880 --> 00:57:58,040
Speaker 1: eighteen years old, and I remember his mom always saying,

1204
00:57:58,240 --> 00:57:59,920
Speaker 1: who are you too? As individual? So like, do you

1205
00:58:00,080 --> 00:58:02,560
Speaker 1: even though who you are as individuals? Years later, we

1206
00:58:02,640 --> 00:58:04,440
Speaker 1: always say, we wish we had that moment where we

1207
00:58:04,480 --> 00:58:07,280
Speaker 1: were just exploring who we were as individuals first. But

1208
00:58:07,400 --> 00:58:10,160
Speaker 1: I feel like you probably within your relationship did do that.

1209
00:58:10,800 --> 00:58:16,000
Speaker 1: But it's hard, That's what I mean. Like, I feel

1210
00:58:16,040 --> 00:58:19,280
Speaker 1: like those those problems arise in different ways in a

1211
00:58:19,320 --> 00:58:22,840
Speaker 1: relationship when that hasn't been done right. And so that

1212
00:58:23,360 --> 00:58:25,560
Speaker 1: you know, I was the person doing the breaking up

1213
00:58:25,720 --> 00:58:28,480
Speaker 1: in that situation, and that really was I wanted to

1214
00:58:28,680 --> 00:58:31,560
Speaker 1: see the world without being having someone attached at my hip.

1215
00:58:31,600 --> 00:58:33,360
Speaker 1: I loved him, I cared about him, but it was like,

1216
00:58:33,720 --> 00:58:35,640
Speaker 1: what if my friends said, hey, let's go to Europe.

1217
00:58:38,760 --> 00:58:41,040
Speaker 1: That's just not your person. Because when you are with

1218
00:58:41,200 --> 00:58:44,800
Speaker 1: your person, whether it's at eighteen or forty five or thirty,

1219
00:58:45,280 --> 00:58:47,640
Speaker 1: you make a way to do these things. You're like,

1220
00:58:47,840 --> 00:58:50,480
Speaker 1: I want to desire if you write you know what

1221
00:58:50,560 --> 00:58:52,480
Speaker 1: I mean, Like I want to go with my home girls,

1222
00:58:52,520 --> 00:58:54,360
Speaker 1: and you like, she is my best friend and I

1223
00:58:54,480 --> 00:58:56,800
Speaker 1: literally would feel that way. Yeah, but he doesn't feel

1224
00:58:56,800 --> 00:59:00,200
Speaker 1: that way about her, right, He's sorry, he doesn't. What

1225
00:59:00,240 --> 00:59:02,680
Speaker 1: it is you got to be my friends had to

1226
00:59:02,720 --> 00:59:08,080
Speaker 1: be like girl, yeah right, go right, like self respect

1227
00:59:08,480 --> 00:59:10,800
Speaker 1: like that, and you gotta be real with people sometimes

1228
00:59:10,840 --> 00:59:12,840
Speaker 1: like that is not your person and you will find

1229
00:59:12,880 --> 00:59:16,360
Speaker 1: your personally. This is just spiraling us into the moment

1230
00:59:16,400 --> 00:59:19,000
Speaker 1: of truth. Here. Wait, I have I have, I have

1231
00:59:19,160 --> 00:59:21,240
Speaker 1: something that I want to tell Sis. It's different from

1232
00:59:21,240 --> 00:59:23,720
Speaker 1: the attitude. I think the two things that First of all,

1233
00:59:23,760 --> 00:59:26,120
Speaker 1: I believe that when you break up with someone, you

1234
00:59:26,200 --> 00:59:28,600
Speaker 1: have to break up with them. I believe the lingering

1235
00:59:28,760 --> 00:59:31,600
Speaker 1: only makes it harder. It allows for confusion. And that

1236
00:59:31,720 --> 00:59:33,840
Speaker 1: really sounds like where she where she's at. And I

1237
00:59:34,000 --> 00:59:36,280
Speaker 1: really feel like I know it sounds cliche, but it's

1238
00:59:36,320 --> 00:59:40,720
Speaker 1: like the the idea of non attachment is so important

1239
00:59:40,760 --> 00:59:43,800
Speaker 1: for us to have um in order to evolve as people.

1240
00:59:44,360 --> 00:59:48,040
Speaker 1: And so when you like nothing is guaranteed and nothing

1241
00:59:48,160 --> 00:59:50,200
Speaker 1: is promised, and like what we believe might be true

1242
00:59:50,240 --> 00:59:52,160
Speaker 1: for us, just there is a divine, bigger plan. So

1243
00:59:52,280 --> 00:59:54,600
Speaker 1: like you've heard that, that's saying like if you let

1244
00:59:54,720 --> 00:59:56,840
Speaker 1: something go and it comes back to you, then it

1245
00:59:56,960 --> 00:59:58,440
Speaker 1: was yours. And if it never does and it was,

1246
00:59:58,600 --> 01:00:00,240
Speaker 1: it never was. And I just like that's what I

1247
01:00:00,280 --> 01:00:02,280
Speaker 1: would just encourage her to know. And I'm telling you

1248
01:00:02,440 --> 01:00:05,120
Speaker 1: like from experience, like Jared and I had to actually

1249
01:00:05,200 --> 01:00:06,800
Speaker 1: take a break to get to where we are today

1250
01:00:06,800 --> 01:00:09,880
Speaker 1: at the at the beginning of our relationship where it

1251
01:00:10,040 --> 01:00:12,320
Speaker 1: was needed. And that was the first time I ever

1252
01:00:12,480 --> 01:00:17,000
Speaker 1: sent someone off with with um without like resentment or

1253
01:00:17,120 --> 01:00:19,400
Speaker 1: anger like even though I was disappointed, heartbroken, and I'm

1254
01:00:19,520 --> 01:00:21,280
Speaker 1: sure the day that he drove away and left, I

1255
01:00:21,520 --> 01:00:24,640
Speaker 1: cried and drag a bottle wine and was in my

1256
01:00:24,680 --> 01:00:28,200
Speaker 1: journal all day long. But like it worked out. It

1257
01:00:28,360 --> 01:00:31,520
Speaker 1: came back, and it was without my intervention, it was

1258
01:00:31,600 --> 01:00:34,240
Speaker 1: without my persuasion. I told him, I told him, do

1259
01:00:34,360 --> 01:00:35,800
Speaker 1: not call me. We are not friends. Don't call me

1260
01:00:35,800 --> 01:00:38,600
Speaker 1: about the weather, don't check on me. I'm fine. And

1261
01:00:38,680 --> 01:00:40,040
Speaker 1: I was like, but when you show up, if you

1262
01:00:40,120 --> 01:00:42,040
Speaker 1: ever show up again, you better show up a percent.

1263
01:00:42,560 --> 01:00:45,240
Speaker 1: And so when he showed back up, homeboys playing no

1264
01:00:45,360 --> 01:00:51,280
Speaker 1: games and so exactly exactly, and so I just wanted

1265
01:00:51,280 --> 01:00:54,120
Speaker 1: to just give her the confidence to like find the

1266
01:00:54,800 --> 01:00:58,760
Speaker 1: find the trust in like in in detaching and not

1267
01:00:58,920 --> 01:01:04,120
Speaker 1: trying to control the situation. Just surrendering respect is something

1268
01:01:04,200 --> 01:01:06,040
Speaker 1: you were talking about, having the dignity to say, you

1269
01:01:06,120 --> 01:01:08,320
Speaker 1: know what, I'm an amazing person. I can detach from you.

1270
01:01:08,720 --> 01:01:11,120
Speaker 1: And just because if he does come back, like you said,

1271
01:01:11,160 --> 01:01:14,720
Speaker 1: he you want your partner to respect you want to

1272
01:01:15,120 --> 01:01:20,040
Speaker 1: or want you gimme, And it's definitely it's devastating when

1273
01:01:20,040 --> 01:01:22,200
Speaker 1: you feel un wanted. For sure, of course he's going

1274
01:01:22,240 --> 01:01:25,080
Speaker 1: to be, you know, grabbing it, like fighting for just

1275
01:01:25,280 --> 01:01:27,160
Speaker 1: maybe the little morsels that are left in the room.

1276
01:01:27,200 --> 01:01:28,920
Speaker 1: When but when you take a step back and be like,

1277
01:01:30,000 --> 01:01:36,200
Speaker 1: I'm not begging nobody right right, But do you also

1278
01:01:36,280 --> 01:01:38,120
Speaker 1: want to be in a relationship where every day you

1279
01:01:38,200 --> 01:01:41,360
Speaker 1: wake up wondering why he's there? He dared to pacify you.

1280
01:01:41,640 --> 01:01:43,600
Speaker 1: Is he there because he really wants to be? Like,

1281
01:01:43,800 --> 01:01:45,560
Speaker 1: let that man show up how he wants to win.

1282
01:01:46,040 --> 01:01:48,400
Speaker 1: And if he doesn't, he's made it clear, and it's oh,

1283
01:01:49,200 --> 01:01:59,000
Speaker 1: you will find your cheer. You are very bad. We

1284
01:01:59,120 --> 01:02:01,920
Speaker 1: all found at the moment, We all found our people,

1285
01:02:02,880 --> 01:02:06,920
Speaker 1: and they're here because they want to be here. That

1286
01:02:07,280 --> 01:02:09,440
Speaker 1: part I don't want to tell you different. Don't let

1287
01:02:09,520 --> 01:02:12,840
Speaker 1: them tell you different, because if a lie. Thank you

1288
01:02:12,960 --> 01:02:15,320
Speaker 1: ladies so much, quick give me your handles so everyone

1289
01:02:15,400 --> 01:02:18,680
Speaker 1: knows where to find y'all. I'm at Beck the letter

1290
01:02:19,000 --> 01:02:24,320
Speaker 1: m Gross, I'm at Melanie Fiona, I'm at Watermelon egg Grows.

1291
01:02:24,880 --> 01:02:27,520
Speaker 1: By the way, when you when you follow her on

1292
01:02:27,600 --> 01:02:31,360
Speaker 1: Watermelon Egg girls, you won't understand why that is exactly

1293
01:02:31,680 --> 01:02:36,280
Speaker 1: the perfect after all the names and wait wait to

1294
01:02:36,360 --> 01:02:40,280
Speaker 1: cut a way to hold us out if you if

1295
01:02:40,320 --> 01:02:42,680
Speaker 1: you'd like to be featured as one of our listener letters,

1296
01:02:42,760 --> 01:02:45,720
Speaker 1: be sure to email us at dead ask advice at

1297
01:02:45,800 --> 01:02:49,080
Speaker 1: gmail dot calm. I love it. And for those of

1298
01:02:49,160 --> 01:02:51,720
Speaker 1: you also following that as the podcast on social media,

1299
01:02:51,840 --> 01:02:54,160
Speaker 1: be sure to follow us at dead as the podcast.

1300
01:02:54,440 --> 01:02:56,480
Speaker 1: And of course I'm Kadina I am and I'll give

1301
01:02:56,520 --> 01:02:58,360
Speaker 1: you de vous handle even though he's not here because

1302
01:02:58,440 --> 01:03:01,880
Speaker 1: we spoke very highly of him. I am devoured. And

1303
01:03:01,960 --> 01:03:06,440
Speaker 1: if you're listening on Apple Podcasts, be sure to rate, review, subscribe,

1304
01:03:06,480 --> 01:03:08,880
Speaker 1: tell your frame because we have the ultimate girl chat today.

1305
01:03:09,120 --> 01:03:13,200
Speaker 1: I love y'all so much. Thank you, dead Ass, Baby,

1306
01:03:13,480 --> 01:03:15,440
Speaker 1: be out of here, Back to them, Back to them babies.

1307
01:03:17,400 --> 01:03:19,920
Speaker 1: Dead Ass is a production of I Heart Media podcast

1308
01:03:20,040 --> 01:03:23,600
Speaker 1: Network and is produced by Dinorapinia and Triple. Follow the

1309
01:03:23,680 --> 01:03:26,440
Speaker 1: podcast on social media at dead As, to podcasts and

1310
01:03:26,560 --> 01:03:27,280
Speaker 1: never miss a Thing,