1 00:00:04,440 --> 00:00:09,280 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:12,280 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:12,520 --> 00:00:16,880 Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 4 00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:26,640 Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. 5 00:00:26,880 --> 00:00:31,400 Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners, wherever 6 00:00:31,520 --> 00:00:34,880 Speaker 1: you are in the world. Thank you for joining us 7 00:00:35,120 --> 00:00:39,279 Speaker 1: for another episode. Today, we're going to talk about the 8 00:00:39,320 --> 00:00:45,000 Speaker 1: idea of platonic soulmates. Now, this topic, this idea was 9 00:00:45,120 --> 00:00:49,239 Speaker 1: inspired by a conversation that I had with a friend recently. 10 00:00:49,680 --> 00:00:53,320 Speaker 1: We were talking about relationships. But I think I'm at 11 00:00:53,320 --> 00:00:57,440 Speaker 1: this stage where the primary relationships in my life are 12 00:00:57,520 --> 00:01:01,760 Speaker 1: my friendships, and especially in the last two years, I 13 00:01:01,800 --> 00:01:06,039 Speaker 1: have felt a love and these feelings and emotions for 14 00:01:06,080 --> 00:01:10,080 Speaker 1: them that are deeper than some of the romantic experiences 15 00:01:10,080 --> 00:01:13,520 Speaker 1: and romantic connections that I felt. I've had friends, and 16 00:01:13,560 --> 00:01:17,600 Speaker 1: I've realized this recently, who I have loved more than 17 00:01:17,640 --> 00:01:22,200 Speaker 1: any boyfriend, than any partner. Their love has sustained me 18 00:01:22,480 --> 00:01:26,320 Speaker 1: for longer periods of time. It has been unconditional. I 19 00:01:26,360 --> 00:01:28,520 Speaker 1: can look at them and know that they will never 20 00:01:28,600 --> 00:01:31,480 Speaker 1: judge me, that they make my life better, that I 21 00:01:31,520 --> 00:01:34,520 Speaker 1: grow and I learn from them, and it's this feeling 22 00:01:34,760 --> 00:01:38,880 Speaker 1: that doesn't really seem to fit in the friendship box 23 00:01:39,000 --> 00:01:42,720 Speaker 1: for me. It's something a lot more profound, and a 24 00:01:42,840 --> 00:01:48,400 Speaker 1: key characteristic of those kinds of relationships are that distance 25 00:01:48,520 --> 00:01:54,400 Speaker 1: doesn't really matter, proximity doesn't matter, even similarity doesn't matter. 26 00:01:54,880 --> 00:02:00,360 Speaker 1: It seems that there is this almost soulful, deep inexplainable 27 00:02:00,880 --> 00:02:04,760 Speaker 1: sensation and bond that ties us together. I think we 28 00:02:04,840 --> 00:02:08,160 Speaker 1: often think about the idea of soulmates and the concept 29 00:02:08,240 --> 00:02:13,720 Speaker 1: of soulmates in a very restricted manner. We often think 30 00:02:13,720 --> 00:02:16,320 Speaker 1: about it in terms of romance, we think about it 31 00:02:16,320 --> 00:02:20,640 Speaker 1: in terms of sex, and sometimes and often, there is 32 00:02:20,680 --> 00:02:25,360 Speaker 1: this debate around whether platonic soulmates can even exist, and 33 00:02:25,440 --> 00:02:28,720 Speaker 1: part of that discussion is whether men and women can 34 00:02:28,760 --> 00:02:33,000 Speaker 1: really truly be friends and whether friendship between opposite genders 35 00:02:33,520 --> 00:02:35,800 Speaker 1: isn't going to be taken up by some sexual tension. 36 00:02:35,880 --> 00:02:39,760 Speaker 1: And I think that the existence of platonic soulmates is 37 00:02:39,800 --> 00:02:42,960 Speaker 1: the greatest evidence that that can be the case, that 38 00:02:42,960 --> 00:02:46,639 Speaker 1: that can be the truth. Because these kinds of relationships 39 00:02:47,360 --> 00:02:51,600 Speaker 1: they are they kind of blur the lines between friendship 40 00:02:52,040 --> 00:02:54,679 Speaker 1: and romance, and I think that's why they're so valuable 41 00:02:54,680 --> 00:02:58,519 Speaker 1: to talk about today. Sex is not everything. I think 42 00:02:58,560 --> 00:03:02,000 Speaker 1: we know that and and it's particularly evident when we 43 00:03:02,080 --> 00:03:06,240 Speaker 1: explore this concept. So today we're going to explore the 44 00:03:06,360 --> 00:03:13,000 Speaker 1: psychology behind platonic soulmates, the distinction between these relationships and 45 00:03:13,240 --> 00:03:18,120 Speaker 1: friendships compared to our partners, whether they are real, what 46 00:03:18,280 --> 00:03:21,200 Speaker 1: the science and the psychology has to say about the 47 00:03:21,240 --> 00:03:25,520 Speaker 1: feelings they give us, and the foundation of these deep, 48 00:03:25,639 --> 00:03:29,720 Speaker 1: almost out of body relationships. But further to that, how 49 00:03:29,760 --> 00:03:33,079 Speaker 1: we know if someone is a platonic soulmate, if someone 50 00:03:33,080 --> 00:03:37,880 Speaker 1: who has entered our lives matches this profile and this description. 51 00:03:38,600 --> 00:03:42,440 Speaker 1: This episode it is dedicated to my platonic soulmates, the 52 00:03:42,520 --> 00:03:46,240 Speaker 1: loves of my life. Without further ado, let's get into it. 53 00:03:51,040 --> 00:03:56,160 Speaker 1: A platonic soulmate is a feeling of deep connection and 54 00:03:56,400 --> 00:04:00,880 Speaker 1: understanding without the romance that we typically associate with the 55 00:04:01,040 --> 00:04:08,080 Speaker 1: term soulmate, without the physical connection, without the sexual chemistry. Consequently, 56 00:04:08,160 --> 00:04:12,440 Speaker 1: I think that platonic soulmates offer each other almost a 57 00:04:12,520 --> 00:04:17,040 Speaker 1: deep soul connection that goes beyond feelings of friendship and 58 00:04:17,160 --> 00:04:21,279 Speaker 1: hits at something deeper that we can't always explain. The 59 00:04:21,400 --> 00:04:26,960 Speaker 1: term platonic soulmate was named after the famous ancient philosopher 60 00:04:27,040 --> 00:04:30,159 Speaker 1: Plato who came up or was the first one to 61 00:04:30,920 --> 00:04:35,479 Speaker 1: express this idea of a relationship and a deep love 62 00:04:35,960 --> 00:04:41,120 Speaker 1: that cannot be pigeonholed into a romantic kind of box, 63 00:04:41,560 --> 00:04:45,120 Speaker 1: and it breaks away from typical conventions of what we 64 00:04:45,200 --> 00:04:49,479 Speaker 1: think love should look like. According to this clinical psychologist, 65 00:04:49,560 --> 00:04:54,479 Speaker 1: her name is Meredith Fuller's, platonic soulmates are a very 66 00:04:54,560 --> 00:05:01,200 Speaker 1: long term, solid, trusting, and highly satisfying relationship. And this 67 00:05:01,320 --> 00:05:04,520 Speaker 1: is backed up by this idea of the triangular theory 68 00:05:04,600 --> 00:05:08,000 Speaker 1: of love that we have spoken about before on the show. So, 69 00:05:08,480 --> 00:05:12,280 Speaker 1: according to the triangular theory of love, there are three 70 00:05:12,320 --> 00:05:17,320 Speaker 1: things that people want in a relationship. One is passion 71 00:05:18,040 --> 00:05:22,400 Speaker 1: and that comes to include things like sex and lust 72 00:05:22,600 --> 00:05:29,680 Speaker 1: and chemistry and physical connection. The second is intimacy, and 73 00:05:29,760 --> 00:05:33,159 Speaker 1: that doesn't just need to mean physical intimacy, it also 74 00:05:33,320 --> 00:05:40,440 Speaker 1: means emotional intimacy, spiritual intimacy, mental intimacy, and finally commitment. 75 00:05:40,640 --> 00:05:46,120 Speaker 1: Those three elements are what makes up any healthy relationship 76 00:05:46,320 --> 00:05:50,280 Speaker 1: when we think about romance. But we can adapt that 77 00:05:50,360 --> 00:05:55,160 Speaker 1: triangular theory of love to represent our soulmates and our 78 00:05:55,200 --> 00:05:58,640 Speaker 1: platonic soulmates in a better life. So it is just 79 00:05:58,680 --> 00:06:03,480 Speaker 1: those second two characters ristics firstly intimacy and secondly commitment 80 00:06:04,040 --> 00:06:07,599 Speaker 1: that a platonic soulmate offers us. And it can also 81 00:06:07,680 --> 00:06:12,320 Speaker 1: sometimes include passion, not so much sex and lust, hence 82 00:06:12,360 --> 00:06:15,920 Speaker 1: the term platonic, meaning devoid of sex and devoid of 83 00:06:16,320 --> 00:06:19,880 Speaker 1: that kind of physical engagement, but passion in another sense, 84 00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:23,279 Speaker 1: passion for what they're passionate about, Passion for their life, 85 00:06:23,320 --> 00:06:26,520 Speaker 1: passion for their journey. I think it's important to stress, 86 00:06:26,520 --> 00:06:28,240 Speaker 1: and I know I just said it, but they do 87 00:06:28,279 --> 00:06:31,960 Speaker 1: not contain this kind of element of lust or sexual arousal, 88 00:06:32,040 --> 00:06:35,960 Speaker 1: which I think honestly makes our platonic soulmates in our 89 00:06:36,000 --> 00:06:41,440 Speaker 1: platonic friendships a lot more sustainable, although that may be controversial. 90 00:06:41,920 --> 00:06:45,440 Speaker 1: I think when we add sex and we add physical 91 00:06:45,480 --> 00:06:49,960 Speaker 1: intimacy into the mix, it does become a lot more complicated, 92 00:06:50,040 --> 00:06:53,640 Speaker 1: which is why we kind of put platonic soulmates on 93 00:06:53,680 --> 00:06:57,280 Speaker 1: a bit of a pedestal. They feel more pure to us, 94 00:06:57,560 --> 00:07:01,760 Speaker 1: and I honestly think that these relationships don't get the 95 00:07:01,760 --> 00:07:05,760 Speaker 1: credit that they deserve, and they're not recognized enough in 96 00:07:05,880 --> 00:07:09,240 Speaker 1: broader society. We tend to think that there is one 97 00:07:09,320 --> 00:07:12,160 Speaker 1: person out there for us, who is going to make 98 00:07:12,200 --> 00:07:15,640 Speaker 1: our life a fairy tale. They're going to complete the puzzle, 99 00:07:15,680 --> 00:07:18,240 Speaker 1: as they say, and that person is the person that 100 00:07:18,280 --> 00:07:20,960 Speaker 1: we marry or the people that we date, whereas our 101 00:07:21,000 --> 00:07:23,520 Speaker 1: friendships are kind of secondary to that. And I think 102 00:07:23,800 --> 00:07:27,160 Speaker 1: the idea and the introduction of this concept of platonic 103 00:07:27,200 --> 00:07:32,160 Speaker 1: soulmates kind of flips that narrative. But it can be controversial, 104 00:07:32,320 --> 00:07:35,600 Speaker 1: I think perhaps because of the conflation and use of 105 00:07:35,640 --> 00:07:41,080 Speaker 1: the term soulmate, which people appear to be really protective 106 00:07:41,160 --> 00:07:45,200 Speaker 1: over the terms soulmates or twin flames. Maybe it's important 107 00:07:45,240 --> 00:07:48,120 Speaker 1: to stop and kind of rest on that point for 108 00:07:48,160 --> 00:07:50,960 Speaker 1: a second here. I did do a full episode on it. 109 00:07:51,040 --> 00:07:55,960 Speaker 1: But essentially, it's this idea that you have a connection 110 00:07:56,160 --> 00:08:03,440 Speaker 1: with someone that extends beyond all it's almost extraterrestrial, it's 111 00:08:03,760 --> 00:08:06,600 Speaker 1: out of body. It is to do with things like 112 00:08:06,760 --> 00:08:10,200 Speaker 1: fate and the universe and God, all of these things 113 00:08:10,240 --> 00:08:13,720 Speaker 1: that we can't always put a tangible name to, and 114 00:08:13,760 --> 00:08:19,040 Speaker 1: it's this idea that two souls abound in some supernatural way. 115 00:08:19,840 --> 00:08:22,960 Speaker 1: And like I said before, it's often viewed that a 116 00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:25,680 Speaker 1: partner is what offers you that there can be this 117 00:08:25,800 --> 00:08:29,800 Speaker 1: expectation that we marry our soulmates and we make a 118 00:08:29,800 --> 00:08:32,360 Speaker 1: life with them, we have a family. Hence why it's 119 00:08:32,360 --> 00:08:36,040 Speaker 1: become a massive term in dating. I see this all 120 00:08:36,040 --> 00:08:38,200 Speaker 1: the time. I get so many dms about this. I 121 00:08:38,280 --> 00:08:41,559 Speaker 1: see it on my TikTok algorithm on my Instagram about 122 00:08:41,640 --> 00:08:44,760 Speaker 1: people who want to meet their soulmate, or who claim 123 00:08:44,800 --> 00:08:48,280 Speaker 1: that the person they're marrying is their soulmate. This idea 124 00:08:48,559 --> 00:08:51,960 Speaker 1: is everywhere, but it's not always applied to our friendships. 125 00:08:52,360 --> 00:08:55,600 Speaker 1: We have this belief, there is this massive narrative that 126 00:08:55,640 --> 00:09:00,680 Speaker 1: we only have one and I don't believe that is true. 127 00:09:00,760 --> 00:09:05,200 Speaker 1: I think that platonic soulmates do exist. They're not just 128 00:09:05,240 --> 00:09:09,360 Speaker 1: good friends. They don't have to conflate sex with deep 129 00:09:09,360 --> 00:09:14,200 Speaker 1: emotional commitment. It's that there is an individual or multiple 130 00:09:14,240 --> 00:09:20,120 Speaker 1: individuals out there who can provide your self and your 131 00:09:20,240 --> 00:09:24,760 Speaker 1: soul with what we normally and typically reserve for only 132 00:09:24,760 --> 00:09:28,679 Speaker 1: a romantic partner. It's this individual who comes into your 133 00:09:28,720 --> 00:09:32,640 Speaker 1: life and seems to have almost this golden touch where 134 00:09:32,640 --> 00:09:35,920 Speaker 1: they make everything better for you, and it doesn't mean 135 00:09:35,960 --> 00:09:39,440 Speaker 1: that you need to be sexually attracted to them. I 136 00:09:39,480 --> 00:09:42,199 Speaker 1: think that that is the point I keep coming back to. 137 00:09:42,280 --> 00:09:46,720 Speaker 1: But in this situation, I think sex is secondary, and 138 00:09:46,840 --> 00:09:50,640 Speaker 1: what it shows is that deep emotional commitment and sex 139 00:09:50,720 --> 00:09:55,280 Speaker 1: don't need to coexist for someone to be your soulmate. 140 00:09:55,920 --> 00:09:58,360 Speaker 1: When I think about this in terms of other examples, 141 00:09:58,400 --> 00:10:01,120 Speaker 1: I think about people in their seventy who have been 142 00:10:01,160 --> 00:10:05,720 Speaker 1: together since they were nineteen or twenty, and they might 143 00:10:05,760 --> 00:10:09,560 Speaker 1: not be being intimate physically anymore, but a lot of 144 00:10:09,600 --> 00:10:11,760 Speaker 1: us would look at them and still call them soulmates 145 00:10:12,120 --> 00:10:16,240 Speaker 1: because there is that emotional commitment. Or I think about asexuality. 146 00:10:16,400 --> 00:10:20,160 Speaker 1: Just because someone isn't sexually attracted to someone doesn't mean 147 00:10:20,200 --> 00:10:24,760 Speaker 1: that they can't feel a deep emotional commitment and satisfaction 148 00:10:24,880 --> 00:10:27,400 Speaker 1: when they're around them. And I think that's what matters 149 00:10:27,440 --> 00:10:30,720 Speaker 1: the most. It's the emotional intimacy that is shared between 150 00:10:30,800 --> 00:10:35,400 Speaker 1: two people. Emotional intimacy I think matters in every relationship. 151 00:10:35,440 --> 00:10:38,640 Speaker 1: But when we think about the idea of platonic soulmates, 152 00:10:38,760 --> 00:10:41,080 Speaker 1: the pressure is a little bit heightened to have that 153 00:10:41,679 --> 00:10:46,520 Speaker 1: very organic emotional intimacy with someone. And essentially, this term 154 00:10:46,679 --> 00:10:50,360 Speaker 1: this idea, it refers to the sharing of thoughts and 155 00:10:50,440 --> 00:10:54,199 Speaker 1: feelings with another person in a way that is trusting, 156 00:10:54,360 --> 00:10:56,280 Speaker 1: in a way that is safe and in a way 157 00:10:56,320 --> 00:11:01,120 Speaker 1: that is vulnerable. It's about being emotionally open and honest 158 00:11:01,280 --> 00:11:04,520 Speaker 1: with each other. And there are three components to emotional 159 00:11:04,520 --> 00:11:08,360 Speaker 1: intimacy that don't just matter for platonic soulmates, but for 160 00:11:08,400 --> 00:11:12,000 Speaker 1: all relationships that we want to cultivate and sustain. These 161 00:11:12,040 --> 00:11:18,559 Speaker 1: are trust, vulnerability, and communication. You can't have emotional intimacy 162 00:11:18,640 --> 00:11:23,640 Speaker 1: with anyone in your life if those three things are 163 00:11:23,679 --> 00:11:27,880 Speaker 1: not sustained, the first one being trust. Yes, when we 164 00:11:27,920 --> 00:11:30,520 Speaker 1: think about that in terms of relationships, normally we think 165 00:11:30,559 --> 00:11:34,160 Speaker 1: about fidelity and infidelity and being able to trust that 166 00:11:34,640 --> 00:11:37,040 Speaker 1: your partner is loyal and being able to trust that 167 00:11:37,040 --> 00:11:40,320 Speaker 1: your partners in your corner. But when we examine that 168 00:11:40,440 --> 00:11:44,000 Speaker 1: a little bit deeper, I think trust also just refers 169 00:11:44,040 --> 00:11:47,520 Speaker 1: to the idea, in the sensation that this person will 170 00:11:47,520 --> 00:11:51,200 Speaker 1: always be in your corner, that they will never be cruel, 171 00:11:51,240 --> 00:11:53,800 Speaker 1: they'll never be callous, they aren't going to try and 172 00:11:53,920 --> 00:11:57,640 Speaker 1: cause you harm. And although that might seem like kind 173 00:11:57,640 --> 00:12:01,559 Speaker 1: of a low barrier or not really a barrier at all, 174 00:12:01,600 --> 00:12:04,600 Speaker 1: it's quite a low standard that you trust someone isn't 175 00:12:04,600 --> 00:12:08,760 Speaker 1: going to try and sabotage you. If that isn't in place, 176 00:12:08,960 --> 00:12:12,079 Speaker 1: if you can't trust that that person really cares about 177 00:12:12,120 --> 00:12:15,200 Speaker 1: you and cares about your future and your goals and 178 00:12:15,240 --> 00:12:18,000 Speaker 1: your welfare. How in the world are you meant to 179 00:12:18,040 --> 00:12:21,240 Speaker 1: move on to that next stage of emotional intimacy, which 180 00:12:21,280 --> 00:12:26,559 Speaker 1: is vulnerability. I love the idea of vulnerability. I adore it, 181 00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:29,920 Speaker 1: and as someone who listens to a lot of Brene Brown, 182 00:12:30,080 --> 00:12:33,000 Speaker 1: who talks about vulnerability quite a bit, I think it 183 00:12:33,040 --> 00:12:38,880 Speaker 1: is such an undervalued characteristic and trait and experience to 184 00:12:38,920 --> 00:12:42,600 Speaker 1: be shared with other people. Being vulnerable doesn't just mean 185 00:12:42,800 --> 00:12:46,920 Speaker 1: trauma dumping on whoever walks in the door. It's about 186 00:12:46,960 --> 00:12:49,679 Speaker 1: wanting to share your truth and having it seen and 187 00:12:49,760 --> 00:12:53,440 Speaker 1: having it heard, and knowing that the other person isn't 188 00:12:53,480 --> 00:12:55,960 Speaker 1: going to judge you, and that they will reciprocate your 189 00:12:56,040 --> 00:12:59,640 Speaker 1: vulnerability with their own. That is what I think is 190 00:12:59,679 --> 00:13:03,320 Speaker 1: at the hime out of any beautiful long term relationship, 191 00:13:03,440 --> 00:13:06,480 Speaker 1: whether that be a romantic soulmate or a platonic soulmate, 192 00:13:07,240 --> 00:13:10,880 Speaker 1: is this idea that you can be your worst self 193 00:13:11,000 --> 00:13:16,040 Speaker 1: your best self with that person. You can be so vulnerable, 194 00:13:16,040 --> 00:13:17,920 Speaker 1: you can break down in front of them, you can 195 00:13:18,280 --> 00:13:20,600 Speaker 1: be selfish in front of them, you can say things 196 00:13:20,640 --> 00:13:23,600 Speaker 1: you've never said to anyone else, and they'll still love you. 197 00:13:23,800 --> 00:13:29,160 Speaker 1: It's that unconditional compassion and unconditional love and affection that 198 00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:32,360 Speaker 1: they will always have, and that's really hard to come by. 199 00:13:33,040 --> 00:13:36,439 Speaker 1: I think the only way that some people ever feel 200 00:13:36,440 --> 00:13:39,560 Speaker 1: that is with their family members, and even then sometimes 201 00:13:39,600 --> 00:13:43,640 Speaker 1: that's not the case. So vulnerability is the second ingredient 202 00:13:44,200 --> 00:13:47,800 Speaker 1: of emotional intimacy that I think is important to remember 203 00:13:47,840 --> 00:13:51,480 Speaker 1: and to kind of to cultivate. And the final one 204 00:13:51,600 --> 00:13:57,600 Speaker 1: is communication. You can't know someone, you can't love someone, 205 00:13:57,800 --> 00:14:01,800 Speaker 1: you can't see someone if the relationship is only marked 206 00:14:01,840 --> 00:14:06,320 Speaker 1: by silence, if you don't openly communicate about what is 207 00:14:06,400 --> 00:14:09,439 Speaker 1: actually going on in your brain. And I think communication 208 00:14:09,679 --> 00:14:14,160 Speaker 1: is this way of peering into our subconscious and our 209 00:14:14,600 --> 00:14:18,319 Speaker 1: unconscious minds, in allowing someone to see the things that 210 00:14:18,400 --> 00:14:21,840 Speaker 1: we want them to see. There is this idea, and 211 00:14:21,920 --> 00:14:23,560 Speaker 1: I think the thing that gets in the way of 212 00:14:23,600 --> 00:14:26,600 Speaker 1: a lot of our romantic relationships and even our friendships 213 00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:31,280 Speaker 1: sometimes is thinking that people should be able to read 214 00:14:31,480 --> 00:14:35,320 Speaker 1: your mind and thinking that if they know you well enough, 215 00:14:35,640 --> 00:14:38,680 Speaker 1: you shouldn't have to communicate with them how you're feeling 216 00:14:38,720 --> 00:14:43,120 Speaker 1: and what's going on with you. But all good relationships 217 00:14:43,200 --> 00:14:46,760 Speaker 1: have a level of communication that allows them to be sustained. 218 00:14:47,360 --> 00:14:51,200 Speaker 1: And regardless of whether you are connected with someone through 219 00:14:51,240 --> 00:14:56,520 Speaker 1: this magical, soulful, inexplicable bond, you still need to be 220 00:14:56,560 --> 00:14:59,280 Speaker 1: able to communicate with them and show them that you 221 00:14:59,360 --> 00:15:02,200 Speaker 1: care and let them into your mind. So those are 222 00:15:02,240 --> 00:15:06,360 Speaker 1: the three kind of pillars of emotional intimacy that I 223 00:15:06,400 --> 00:15:11,120 Speaker 1: think allow us and provide us with the opportunity to 224 00:15:11,600 --> 00:15:15,920 Speaker 1: have an idea like soulmates. They are again, trust, vulnerability, 225 00:15:15,960 --> 00:15:19,640 Speaker 1: and communication, and if you don't have those, you won't 226 00:15:19,640 --> 00:15:22,800 Speaker 1: be able to be emotionally intimate with someone else. And 227 00:15:23,320 --> 00:15:27,160 Speaker 1: I think that differs from physical intimacy a lot. I 228 00:15:27,240 --> 00:15:31,880 Speaker 1: don't even think that needs explaining, but sometimes we use 229 00:15:32,000 --> 00:15:36,360 Speaker 1: physical intimacy to kind of mask our vulnerability and to 230 00:15:36,480 --> 00:15:39,320 Speaker 1: kind of prevent us from having to be emotionally intimate 231 00:15:39,360 --> 00:15:44,040 Speaker 1: with someone. Hence the idea of emotional unavailability. When we 232 00:15:44,360 --> 00:15:48,600 Speaker 1: see a relationship only as chemistry and only as that spark, 233 00:15:49,040 --> 00:15:52,480 Speaker 1: we forget about the thing that matters the most, which 234 00:15:52,520 --> 00:15:56,000 Speaker 1: is that deep connection and ability to be present with 235 00:15:56,080 --> 00:15:58,840 Speaker 1: someone and to let them in. And I think that's 236 00:15:58,920 --> 00:16:02,720 Speaker 1: where we see the idea of platonic soulmates really come 237 00:16:02,760 --> 00:16:06,920 Speaker 1: into play, because in that situation, there isn't that sexual element, 238 00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:10,560 Speaker 1: there isn't that physical intimacy. The relationship is built on 239 00:16:11,040 --> 00:16:15,120 Speaker 1: purely a foundation of emotional intimacy, and then also mental 240 00:16:15,240 --> 00:16:18,240 Speaker 1: and spiritual intimacy as well. I kind of want to 241 00:16:18,240 --> 00:16:22,080 Speaker 1: take a moment to talk about my own platonic soulmates. 242 00:16:22,520 --> 00:16:26,080 Speaker 1: For a while, I think I didn't really believe in 243 00:16:26,160 --> 00:16:29,720 Speaker 1: this idea that you could have a soulmate that wasn't 244 00:16:29,720 --> 00:16:33,880 Speaker 1: someone you were romantically attached to or attracted to. Where so, 245 00:16:34,280 --> 00:16:38,680 Speaker 1: like I said, this very narrow narrative that soulmates are 246 00:16:38,760 --> 00:16:40,640 Speaker 1: the people that you marry, They're the people that you 247 00:16:40,680 --> 00:16:43,560 Speaker 1: build a family with, They're the loves of your life. 248 00:16:44,160 --> 00:16:47,920 Speaker 1: And then suddenly I entered this era of my life 249 00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:52,720 Speaker 1: of my twenties, in which that entire spectrum, that entire 250 00:16:53,440 --> 00:16:57,600 Speaker 1: error and field of romance, my romantic life basically kind 251 00:16:57,600 --> 00:17:01,320 Speaker 1: of shut off. And when I allowed that area of 252 00:17:01,320 --> 00:17:04,480 Speaker 1: my life to kind of fizzle and to take kind 253 00:17:04,520 --> 00:17:08,399 Speaker 1: of be put on the back burner, essentially all of 254 00:17:08,440 --> 00:17:12,320 Speaker 1: these relationships and all of these friendships started blossoming and 255 00:17:12,359 --> 00:17:16,960 Speaker 1: blooming into friendships that I never could have imagined. And 256 00:17:17,280 --> 00:17:21,320 Speaker 1: I think about this. One example of this amazing person, 257 00:17:21,480 --> 00:17:24,440 Speaker 1: her name is Gracie, that I met last year, and 258 00:17:24,760 --> 00:17:29,320 Speaker 1: almost instantly she entered my life. And it was a 259 00:17:29,359 --> 00:17:33,480 Speaker 1: feeling that I have never experienced. I've never experienced it 260 00:17:33,520 --> 00:17:36,920 Speaker 1: when it comes to dating. I've never experienced it really 261 00:17:36,960 --> 00:17:40,840 Speaker 1: in any domain. It was like this instant recognition that 262 00:17:41,000 --> 00:17:44,760 Speaker 1: in some way we were the same person, and in 263 00:17:44,800 --> 00:17:47,080 Speaker 1: some way I knew that she would be in my 264 00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:50,880 Speaker 1: life forever. And it was so confronting, but I remember 265 00:17:50,920 --> 00:17:53,520 Speaker 1: like saying that to her and being like, I think 266 00:17:53,520 --> 00:17:56,080 Speaker 1: we're going to be best friends. I think that we 267 00:17:56,160 --> 00:17:59,400 Speaker 1: are going to be amazing for each other. And when 268 00:17:59,440 --> 00:18:01,440 Speaker 1: I said that, all I could think about was those 269 00:18:01,520 --> 00:18:03,879 Speaker 1: examples of people who go on a date with someone 270 00:18:03,920 --> 00:18:06,320 Speaker 1: and recount at their wedding how they told them they 271 00:18:06,320 --> 00:18:08,360 Speaker 1: were going to marry them, Like it really did kind 272 00:18:08,359 --> 00:18:10,840 Speaker 1: of feel like that. It felt like, Wow, have I 273 00:18:10,960 --> 00:18:13,960 Speaker 1: just met like the love of my life? And in 274 00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:16,400 Speaker 1: some ways I think that I had. I think when 275 00:18:16,440 --> 00:18:19,840 Speaker 1: I allowed my brain to see my relationships and the 276 00:18:19,880 --> 00:18:23,040 Speaker 1: deep relationships I had with people as more than just 277 00:18:23,240 --> 00:18:27,880 Speaker 1: romantic connections, and I stopped pigeonholing all of my relationships 278 00:18:27,880 --> 00:18:30,440 Speaker 1: into kind of like either these are romantic or they're 279 00:18:30,520 --> 00:18:34,760 Speaker 1: just friendships. This whole new level of intimacy and vulnerability 280 00:18:35,320 --> 00:18:37,280 Speaker 1: opened up for me, and it was just the most 281 00:18:37,520 --> 00:18:40,960 Speaker 1: amazing experience and has provided me with so much joy, 282 00:18:41,520 --> 00:18:44,159 Speaker 1: and especially in our twenties when we really are reaching 283 00:18:44,200 --> 00:18:48,879 Speaker 1: for connection, stumbling across a platonic soulmate just feels like 284 00:18:49,480 --> 00:18:52,240 Speaker 1: it feels life changing. So what I want to talk 285 00:18:52,240 --> 00:18:56,280 Speaker 1: about next is what actually makes a platonic soulmate and 286 00:18:56,359 --> 00:18:59,600 Speaker 1: how we can know and how we can identify if 287 00:18:59,640 --> 00:19:03,240 Speaker 1: someone we've met might just be one of these people. 288 00:19:03,400 --> 00:19:06,240 Speaker 1: So all of that and more in just a second. 289 00:19:11,200 --> 00:19:13,800 Speaker 1: I feel like I spent the first half of this 290 00:19:13,880 --> 00:19:16,280 Speaker 1: episode really just going on a bit of a rant 291 00:19:16,840 --> 00:19:21,240 Speaker 1: about how amazing platonic soulmates are and why romance and 292 00:19:21,320 --> 00:19:24,119 Speaker 1: sex is and everything. And I guess you could you 293 00:19:24,160 --> 00:19:26,479 Speaker 1: could probably hear that I'm very passionate about this, but 294 00:19:26,920 --> 00:19:29,600 Speaker 1: it didn't really give us all you guys, much information 295 00:19:29,760 --> 00:19:35,200 Speaker 1: about what exactly that means. What does it actually mean 296 00:19:35,400 --> 00:19:41,160 Speaker 1: for someone to be a quote unquote platonic soulmate. Firstly, 297 00:19:41,359 --> 00:19:45,080 Speaker 1: I think the thing that distinguishes them from a romantic 298 00:19:45,160 --> 00:19:48,760 Speaker 1: soulmate and our concept of a romantic soulmate is that 299 00:19:48,800 --> 00:19:52,080 Speaker 1: you can have more than one. Like I said before, 300 00:19:52,119 --> 00:19:54,880 Speaker 1: there is this very narrow lens that we were typically 301 00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:58,280 Speaker 1: used to viewing soulmates through, and that is that they 302 00:19:58,320 --> 00:20:00,560 Speaker 1: are these romantic partners and we have one and we 303 00:20:00,680 --> 00:20:04,200 Speaker 1: found them. But really, you can have more than one soulmate. 304 00:20:04,320 --> 00:20:07,520 Speaker 1: A soulmate is someone that you choose to invest in, 305 00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:12,000 Speaker 1: and it's an individual who you feel a deep connection with, 306 00:20:12,119 --> 00:20:14,639 Speaker 1: and there are so many people on this planet you 307 00:20:14,680 --> 00:20:17,040 Speaker 1: are bound to feel that with more than one person. 308 00:20:17,480 --> 00:20:19,560 Speaker 1: And I'm not saying that in a cynical way of 309 00:20:19,840 --> 00:20:22,560 Speaker 1: you know, the idea of soulmates doesn't even exist. But 310 00:20:22,640 --> 00:20:24,280 Speaker 1: I think that I don't like the idea of a 311 00:20:24,320 --> 00:20:27,600 Speaker 1: soulmate singular. I like the idea of a soulmate plural. 312 00:20:28,240 --> 00:20:32,680 Speaker 1: And that's essentially why I think platonic soulmates are so 313 00:20:32,680 --> 00:20:37,400 Speaker 1: so fascinating and so worthwhile to discuss, because it really 314 00:20:37,440 --> 00:20:40,080 Speaker 1: pushes back against this narrative that there is one person 315 00:20:40,119 --> 00:20:42,840 Speaker 1: out there for you. They will fulfill you, they will 316 00:20:42,840 --> 00:20:46,399 Speaker 1: make you the happiest version of yourself, and everyone else 317 00:20:46,520 --> 00:20:49,080 Speaker 1: is kind of secondary to that. I also think they 318 00:20:49,119 --> 00:20:54,320 Speaker 1: define the typical idea and the typical structure of a friendship. 319 00:20:54,880 --> 00:20:58,240 Speaker 1: Typical friendships, as we know in psychology, are based off 320 00:20:58,280 --> 00:21:02,159 Speaker 1: of three kind of can and they're formed in the 321 00:21:02,240 --> 00:21:08,320 Speaker 1: presence of three conditions, and those are proximity, similarity, and reciprocity. 322 00:21:08,640 --> 00:21:12,439 Speaker 1: So essentially, for a friendship to form, you need to 323 00:21:12,480 --> 00:21:15,879 Speaker 1: be close to that person. Distance can't really be a 324 00:21:15,920 --> 00:21:19,520 Speaker 1: problem because you need to have the convenience and well, 325 00:21:19,560 --> 00:21:21,760 Speaker 1: I guess just the convenience of being able to run 326 00:21:21,800 --> 00:21:25,680 Speaker 1: into them and readily organized plans and actually see them 327 00:21:25,720 --> 00:21:29,320 Speaker 1: in your daily life. The second is similarity. I think 328 00:21:29,359 --> 00:21:34,800 Speaker 1: this comes down to values. It is very hard, not impossible, 329 00:21:34,880 --> 00:21:39,080 Speaker 1: but very hard. I would say to cultivate a friendship 330 00:21:39,119 --> 00:21:42,040 Speaker 1: with someone that you have nothing in common with. All 331 00:21:42,200 --> 00:21:47,480 Speaker 1: friendships need this bedrock of similarity. And maybe that similarity 332 00:21:47,520 --> 00:21:50,960 Speaker 1: in regards to the university that you both attend, or 333 00:21:51,520 --> 00:21:55,280 Speaker 1: some hobby or passion that you have, or a similarity 334 00:21:55,280 --> 00:21:58,879 Speaker 1: in terms of values. It doesn't really matter. But typically 335 00:21:59,119 --> 00:22:02,040 Speaker 1: a friendship cannot for if there isn't something kind of 336 00:22:02,119 --> 00:22:06,240 Speaker 1: linking you together and some joint interest. And the final 337 00:22:06,280 --> 00:22:10,760 Speaker 1: condition for a typical friendship is reciprocity. So essentially, what 338 00:22:10,800 --> 00:22:15,400 Speaker 1: that means is that you reciprocate each other's intentions and 339 00:22:15,720 --> 00:22:19,760 Speaker 1: you reciprocate each other's energy. So we do need those 340 00:22:19,800 --> 00:22:23,760 Speaker 1: three conditions to be met to make any friendship. But 341 00:22:24,240 --> 00:22:28,600 Speaker 1: as a friendship gains its deepness, as you might come 342 00:22:28,640 --> 00:22:31,600 Speaker 1: to realize that this person you're friends with maybe more 343 00:22:31,720 --> 00:22:34,320 Speaker 1: than just a friend, they may be a platonic soulmate, 344 00:22:34,880 --> 00:22:38,720 Speaker 1: some of those conditions actually become less important. We've got 345 00:22:38,720 --> 00:22:42,040 Speaker 1: to remind ourselves the idea of a platonic soulmate still 346 00:22:42,080 --> 00:22:47,439 Speaker 1: rests on that assumption of this deep soulful fate like bond, 347 00:22:48,359 --> 00:22:53,960 Speaker 1: and those bonds do not disappear with distance, They do 348 00:22:54,000 --> 00:22:58,840 Speaker 1: not disappear with similarity, and in some cases they do 349 00:22:58,880 --> 00:23:01,439 Speaker 1: not disappear even if you guys are no longer in 350 00:23:01,480 --> 00:23:05,840 Speaker 1: each other's lives and reciprocating the effort that is put in. 351 00:23:06,520 --> 00:23:10,719 Speaker 1: A soulmate is going to exist regardless of whether you 352 00:23:10,760 --> 00:23:13,760 Speaker 1: guys are in constant contact or around each other twenty 353 00:23:13,760 --> 00:23:16,919 Speaker 1: four to seven, because it's almost like this dual energy 354 00:23:17,000 --> 00:23:19,960 Speaker 1: source that you're both tapping into and you both share 355 00:23:20,080 --> 00:23:23,680 Speaker 1: in some ways. The idea is that this bond never 356 00:23:23,800 --> 00:23:29,480 Speaker 1: fades because it was predestined, and with platonic soulmates, I 357 00:23:29,520 --> 00:23:32,200 Speaker 1: think there's a lot less pressure that's placed on them. 358 00:23:32,560 --> 00:23:36,600 Speaker 1: When we think about our romantic relationships and our romantic soulmates, 359 00:23:37,480 --> 00:23:40,199 Speaker 1: there is a lot of rhetoric around the need to 360 00:23:40,240 --> 00:23:43,360 Speaker 1: have children and the need to get married, and then 361 00:23:43,400 --> 00:23:46,920 Speaker 1: we have these financial responsibilities that kind of fall into 362 00:23:46,960 --> 00:23:49,520 Speaker 1: our lap when we become a couple, and as we 363 00:23:49,680 --> 00:23:53,639 Speaker 1: get older, we've got to share finances and make compromises. 364 00:23:54,400 --> 00:23:59,480 Speaker 1: And in platonic relationships and platonic soulmates, I think that's 365 00:23:59,560 --> 00:24:03,360 Speaker 1: less of a priority. You are more able to allow 366 00:24:03,440 --> 00:24:06,119 Speaker 1: the other person to just be who they want to 367 00:24:06,160 --> 00:24:11,679 Speaker 1: be without the pressure of being romantically intertwined. And I 368 00:24:11,680 --> 00:24:15,439 Speaker 1: think that's where we really see the distinction between a 369 00:24:15,520 --> 00:24:21,000 Speaker 1: relationship and a romantic soulmate, a platonic soulmate, and then 370 00:24:21,119 --> 00:24:25,439 Speaker 1: just a friendship. There is not as much pressure to 371 00:24:25,800 --> 00:24:27,560 Speaker 1: be in each other's pockets all the time and to 372 00:24:27,640 --> 00:24:31,720 Speaker 1: have all those shared responsibilities. But it's also a friendship 373 00:24:31,760 --> 00:24:34,640 Speaker 1: that is deeper and has a more lasting bond than 374 00:24:34,760 --> 00:24:39,119 Speaker 1: a typical, typical acquaintance or a typical friendship. That intersection 375 00:24:39,240 --> 00:24:42,400 Speaker 1: of those two ideas is where we find our platonic soulmate. 376 00:24:42,520 --> 00:24:46,320 Speaker 1: So how do you know if someone in your life 377 00:24:46,560 --> 00:24:51,200 Speaker 1: is a platonic soulmate. I think that's actually kind of 378 00:24:51,760 --> 00:24:55,280 Speaker 1: a question and an answer in itself, because if you 379 00:24:55,400 --> 00:25:00,679 Speaker 1: have to ask yourself that question, they're probably not. And 380 00:25:00,720 --> 00:25:03,679 Speaker 1: I know that's really harsh, but the idea of a 381 00:25:03,720 --> 00:25:06,840 Speaker 1: soulmate is that your soul and their soul recognize each other. 382 00:25:07,400 --> 00:25:10,160 Speaker 1: And I know that's not based in a lot of psychology, 383 00:25:10,680 --> 00:25:15,520 Speaker 1: and there is probably a very very intricate biological psychological 384 00:25:15,520 --> 00:25:18,280 Speaker 1: explanation as to why we think that's the case. But 385 00:25:18,960 --> 00:25:21,359 Speaker 1: if we're just talking in terms of this kind of 386 00:25:21,400 --> 00:25:24,199 Speaker 1: general archetype in this narrative, it is this idea that 387 00:25:24,240 --> 00:25:28,640 Speaker 1: your soul recognizes another soul. So if you have to 388 00:25:28,720 --> 00:25:32,240 Speaker 1: double back and really question that, and you have to 389 00:25:32,359 --> 00:25:36,359 Speaker 1: question whether they're your platonic soulmate, the chances are that 390 00:25:36,400 --> 00:25:40,360 Speaker 1: they're not. But there are some other signs that are 391 00:25:40,560 --> 00:25:44,080 Speaker 1: really strong and important to remember. So there is that 392 00:25:44,160 --> 00:25:47,600 Speaker 1: instant recognition. It's almost like family, almost like you've known 393 00:25:47,640 --> 00:25:50,800 Speaker 1: them in a past life. And once again, that is 394 00:25:50,840 --> 00:25:55,119 Speaker 1: not a psychological term. In psychology, the idea of a 395 00:25:55,320 --> 00:25:59,520 Speaker 1: past life is not one that is seen as valid 396 00:25:59,600 --> 00:26:01,680 Speaker 1: or reliant, but you can believe in what you want 397 00:26:01,720 --> 00:26:05,520 Speaker 1: to believe. And it's this idea that our we have 398 00:26:05,720 --> 00:26:10,240 Speaker 1: past selves. We've lived lives before, and in those lives, 399 00:26:10,640 --> 00:26:13,280 Speaker 1: someone that you were close to or someone that was 400 00:26:13,320 --> 00:26:17,080 Speaker 1: important to you has returned in the form or the 401 00:26:17,119 --> 00:26:20,600 Speaker 1: body of a soulmate in this life. So that's kind 402 00:26:20,600 --> 00:26:24,359 Speaker 1: of more of it, a spiritually enlightened idea of this recognition. 403 00:26:24,480 --> 00:26:27,719 Speaker 1: But I think that instant recognition that we feel can 404 00:26:27,800 --> 00:26:32,399 Speaker 1: also be explained by some science as well. Similarity is 405 00:26:33,240 --> 00:26:37,000 Speaker 1: incredibly powerful. If you share the same values as someone, 406 00:26:37,119 --> 00:26:39,520 Speaker 1: if you share the same interests as someone, if you 407 00:26:40,080 --> 00:26:42,520 Speaker 1: share the same neighborhood as someone and the same friends 408 00:26:42,520 --> 00:26:45,600 Speaker 1: as them as well, it makes it a lot easier 409 00:26:45,600 --> 00:26:48,600 Speaker 1: for you to get along. And so when you initially 410 00:26:48,640 --> 00:26:51,280 Speaker 1: meet someone and you're doing all those that kind of 411 00:26:51,520 --> 00:26:55,000 Speaker 1: initial snooping work and seeing where they stand and seeing 412 00:26:55,040 --> 00:26:58,640 Speaker 1: what they're all about, often in those instances, the part 413 00:26:58,640 --> 00:27:02,399 Speaker 1: of our brain that is searching for similar connections is 414 00:27:02,480 --> 00:27:06,680 Speaker 1: going to see their similarity to us as a real 415 00:27:06,720 --> 00:27:11,119 Speaker 1: positive trait and therefore attach ourselves to them at a 416 00:27:11,200 --> 00:27:14,720 Speaker 1: greater rate and kind of magnify how much we like them, 417 00:27:14,800 --> 00:27:17,879 Speaker 1: So that's kind of more of a psychological explanation for 418 00:27:17,920 --> 00:27:22,280 Speaker 1: that recognition, and the recognition is perhaps the biggest indicator 419 00:27:22,320 --> 00:27:25,119 Speaker 1: of a platonic soulmate. The next is one that I 420 00:27:25,200 --> 00:27:29,760 Speaker 1: mentioned before, But you should be able to be your 421 00:27:30,000 --> 00:27:35,120 Speaker 1: best self but also your worst self with that person. 422 00:27:35,280 --> 00:27:38,240 Speaker 1: I was having this discussion with a friend the other day, actually, 423 00:27:38,320 --> 00:27:41,399 Speaker 1: and it's this person that I have known since I 424 00:27:41,560 --> 00:27:44,159 Speaker 1: was like maybe ten or eleven years old. She is 425 00:27:44,200 --> 00:27:47,680 Speaker 1: my best friend. She is a platonic soulmate. I don't 426 00:27:47,680 --> 00:27:50,000 Speaker 1: even want to use the term platonic. She is just 427 00:27:50,080 --> 00:27:54,399 Speaker 1: a soulmate. And I was saying to her, isn't it 428 00:27:54,480 --> 00:27:58,680 Speaker 1: just so beautiful that no matter what we do in life, 429 00:27:58,680 --> 00:28:01,720 Speaker 1: you could do the worst thing a person could ever 430 00:28:01,800 --> 00:28:05,080 Speaker 1: do and I could still love you. I might not 431 00:28:05,280 --> 00:28:08,200 Speaker 1: forgive you, I might not agree with what you've done, 432 00:28:08,760 --> 00:28:11,240 Speaker 1: but I would still love you and I would still 433 00:28:11,320 --> 00:28:16,520 Speaker 1: support you. And that is just the most powerful feeling 434 00:28:16,600 --> 00:28:18,440 Speaker 1: for someone to say to you. I think the most 435 00:28:18,480 --> 00:28:21,399 Speaker 1: powerful thing for someone to say to you to say, 436 00:28:21,640 --> 00:28:25,359 Speaker 1: regardless of your worst self, I will still love you. 437 00:28:25,440 --> 00:28:27,320 Speaker 1: And I think it also comes with the idea that 438 00:28:27,760 --> 00:28:31,159 Speaker 1: if you're saying that to someone you probably know what 439 00:28:31,240 --> 00:28:34,199 Speaker 1: their worst self is already and you're willing to accept that. 440 00:28:34,359 --> 00:28:36,160 Speaker 1: So it's not like they're going to turn it into 441 00:28:36,240 --> 00:28:38,600 Speaker 1: like a mass murderer. You probably wouldn't say that to 442 00:28:38,640 --> 00:28:41,920 Speaker 1: someone who you're convinced is actually inherently a bad person. 443 00:28:42,000 --> 00:28:44,600 Speaker 1: But regardless of that, I do still think that is 444 00:28:45,480 --> 00:28:49,360 Speaker 1: a really massive component of the deepness of this connection 445 00:28:49,640 --> 00:28:52,560 Speaker 1: is your willingness to accept them when they are on 446 00:28:53,320 --> 00:28:55,520 Speaker 1: their best behavior, when they're on their worst behavior, when 447 00:28:55,520 --> 00:28:57,320 Speaker 1: they are the best version of them self or the 448 00:28:57,360 --> 00:29:00,600 Speaker 1: worst version of themselves. It's all a package, right, and 449 00:29:00,640 --> 00:29:04,320 Speaker 1: you're willing to accept that. The next indicator I think 450 00:29:04,400 --> 00:29:08,080 Speaker 1: is that it's easy. The best relationships in life are easy. 451 00:29:08,400 --> 00:29:11,920 Speaker 1: They don't require you to push yourself to a point 452 00:29:11,960 --> 00:29:15,440 Speaker 1: of being uncomfortable. They don't leave you questioning, oh, what 453 00:29:15,480 --> 00:29:17,120 Speaker 1: are we going to talk about when we see each 454 00:29:17,160 --> 00:29:19,320 Speaker 1: other next. There is none of that friction, And I 455 00:29:19,320 --> 00:29:23,160 Speaker 1: think that that friction is really noticeable in some relationships, 456 00:29:23,240 --> 00:29:27,600 Speaker 1: and in a platonic soulmate situation, it's probably there is none. 457 00:29:27,680 --> 00:29:30,720 Speaker 1: There shouldn't be any friction. It just feel like you're 458 00:29:30,720 --> 00:29:34,280 Speaker 1: flowing down a very easygoing river and this person is 459 00:29:34,280 --> 00:29:36,840 Speaker 1: by your side. I think there is also this mutual 460 00:29:36,920 --> 00:29:41,800 Speaker 1: understanding of the other person's needs. Obviously not without communication, 461 00:29:41,960 --> 00:29:45,200 Speaker 1: and you still need to communicate those, but it's this 462 00:29:45,320 --> 00:29:48,520 Speaker 1: awareness of what they need in their life. It's this 463 00:29:48,560 --> 00:29:52,640 Speaker 1: awareness of I guess their love languages, and they're insecurities 464 00:29:52,800 --> 00:29:55,960 Speaker 1: and maybe some of their childhood wounds. All of that 465 00:29:56,440 --> 00:29:59,040 Speaker 1: is something that the other person has taken time to 466 00:29:59,120 --> 00:30:02,400 Speaker 1: understand and still loves about you, but it's also willing 467 00:30:02,800 --> 00:30:06,760 Speaker 1: to address with you, with you by their side. And 468 00:30:06,800 --> 00:30:08,719 Speaker 1: then there are some other ones that I think are 469 00:30:08,760 --> 00:30:12,640 Speaker 1: just added bonuses right and are definitely indicators of this 470 00:30:12,720 --> 00:30:17,000 Speaker 1: type of relationship. Laughter. Laughter is the most amazing thing, 471 00:30:17,680 --> 00:30:21,200 Speaker 1: and I think it's because when we're enjoying someone's company 472 00:30:21,240 --> 00:30:23,680 Speaker 1: and where we feel free to laugh and to be 473 00:30:23,840 --> 00:30:26,480 Speaker 1: entertained by them, we are saying to them, I am 474 00:30:26,640 --> 00:30:29,840 Speaker 1: so totally comfortable with you, and I'm not laughing because 475 00:30:29,880 --> 00:30:33,200 Speaker 1: I'm nervous. I'm not laughing because this is the natural 476 00:30:33,240 --> 00:30:35,640 Speaker 1: response to you telling a bad joke. It's because I 477 00:30:35,720 --> 00:30:39,320 Speaker 1: genuinely find you funny and because I genuinely love being 478 00:30:39,360 --> 00:30:43,120 Speaker 1: around you. And it's kind of like those situations. I 479 00:30:43,160 --> 00:30:45,440 Speaker 1: don't know if you've ever had those where you're with 480 00:30:45,520 --> 00:30:48,640 Speaker 1: a friend and like me and my friends called the Sillies, 481 00:30:48,720 --> 00:30:52,320 Speaker 1: like everything they do is just hilarious because you feel 482 00:30:52,360 --> 00:30:55,760 Speaker 1: so comfortable that all of that joy and happiness kind 483 00:30:55,760 --> 00:30:58,880 Speaker 1: of bubbles to the surface. It's not that they're, you know, 484 00:30:59,280 --> 00:31:01,880 Speaker 1: the next Cherry Seinfeld or the next Amy Poehler. They 485 00:31:01,880 --> 00:31:05,600 Speaker 1: don't have to be like the most hilarious person technically, 486 00:31:06,000 --> 00:31:09,120 Speaker 1: but it's because they allow your joy to bubble over, 487 00:31:09,200 --> 00:31:11,120 Speaker 1: and I think that is just the most beautiful thing. 488 00:31:11,720 --> 00:31:14,480 Speaker 1: They also allow you to sit in silence. You can 489 00:31:14,480 --> 00:31:16,920 Speaker 1: sit in silence with this person and not be awkward. 490 00:31:17,520 --> 00:31:20,760 Speaker 1: It all comes back to that sense of being comfortable 491 00:31:20,800 --> 00:31:24,200 Speaker 1: in their presence because some part of you recognizes some 492 00:31:24,360 --> 00:31:27,720 Speaker 1: part of them, and you both know it's the same. 493 00:31:28,400 --> 00:31:30,959 Speaker 1: You recognize a part of yourself in that other person. 494 00:31:31,440 --> 00:31:33,680 Speaker 1: And they help you grow. They help you become a 495 00:31:33,680 --> 00:31:36,720 Speaker 1: better version of yourself because they know you well enough 496 00:31:36,760 --> 00:31:38,800 Speaker 1: to know what's going to motivate you. They know you 497 00:31:38,840 --> 00:31:41,640 Speaker 1: well enough to know what are you insecure about? But 498 00:31:41,680 --> 00:31:46,280 Speaker 1: what also your ambitions? And I'm so invested in your life, 499 00:31:46,320 --> 00:31:48,880 Speaker 1: You're so invested in mine. That I want to be 500 00:31:48,920 --> 00:31:51,040 Speaker 1: able to bring you to that level where you want 501 00:31:51,040 --> 00:31:54,560 Speaker 1: to be. So I guess that's kind of an extensive list. 502 00:31:54,720 --> 00:31:59,120 Speaker 1: But when I was thinking back to my own experiences 503 00:31:59,160 --> 00:32:02,440 Speaker 1: with this idea of a platonic soulmate, those were the 504 00:32:02,480 --> 00:32:04,479 Speaker 1: things that really came to mind for me, and they 505 00:32:04,520 --> 00:32:07,240 Speaker 1: were the ones that really stood out to me as 506 00:32:07,840 --> 00:32:14,440 Speaker 1: distinguishing perhaps just a regular friendship or a regular acquaintance 507 00:32:15,120 --> 00:32:20,840 Speaker 1: and this kind of deeper, inexplicable connection that we just 508 00:32:20,880 --> 00:32:23,680 Speaker 1: appear to have with some people. I do want to 509 00:32:23,720 --> 00:32:26,360 Speaker 1: say here, though, there is a lot of hype around 510 00:32:26,360 --> 00:32:31,880 Speaker 1: this idea of soulmates, platonic, romantic or otherwise, and sometimes 511 00:32:31,880 --> 00:32:34,920 Speaker 1: that can leave those of us who don't quite know 512 00:32:34,960 --> 00:32:39,640 Speaker 1: if we've met these people feeling like a failure, feeling 513 00:32:39,680 --> 00:32:42,719 Speaker 1: like there's something wrong with us, that everyone around us 514 00:32:42,800 --> 00:32:46,840 Speaker 1: is having these deep, meaningful connections and we're not. I 515 00:32:46,840 --> 00:32:49,400 Speaker 1: don't think that's the case. I really don't think that's 516 00:32:49,440 --> 00:32:52,560 Speaker 1: the case. I think I am a big proponent of 517 00:32:52,640 --> 00:32:57,160 Speaker 1: the argument that soulmates are not just met, they're also made. 518 00:32:57,280 --> 00:33:00,800 Speaker 1: There may be someone in your life who, with the 519 00:33:00,920 --> 00:33:03,400 Speaker 1: bit of extra effort and energy and the time to 520 00:33:03,400 --> 00:33:07,560 Speaker 1: build that vulnerability will be a platonic soulmate, will be 521 00:33:07,680 --> 00:33:11,840 Speaker 1: your person. But I also like to remind myself at times, 522 00:33:11,840 --> 00:33:15,480 Speaker 1: and I like to remind others who feel insecure about 523 00:33:15,480 --> 00:33:18,400 Speaker 1: the fact that maybe their relationships aren't as deep as 524 00:33:18,400 --> 00:33:21,600 Speaker 1: they would like them to be, that you haven't yet 525 00:33:21,640 --> 00:33:24,080 Speaker 1: met all the people that you have loved and all 526 00:33:24,160 --> 00:33:28,880 Speaker 1: the people who will love you. Your future is so wide, 527 00:33:29,120 --> 00:33:32,760 Speaker 1: especially for those of us in our twenties, and you 528 00:33:32,880 --> 00:33:37,600 Speaker 1: have decades ahead of you to meet the most spectacular, 529 00:33:38,360 --> 00:33:42,120 Speaker 1: amazing people. And you should wait. You should wait for them. 530 00:33:42,440 --> 00:33:46,320 Speaker 1: You shouldn't force it with someone. I've promised that these 531 00:33:46,360 --> 00:33:49,239 Speaker 1: people show up when you least expect them, and I 532 00:33:49,360 --> 00:33:53,720 Speaker 1: hate that saying, but I guess it's true, which annoys 533 00:33:53,720 --> 00:33:57,000 Speaker 1: me even more. But they will just show up in 534 00:33:57,040 --> 00:33:58,760 Speaker 1: your life when you most need them and when you 535 00:33:58,880 --> 00:34:02,040 Speaker 1: least expect them, and like I said, there will be 536 00:34:02,080 --> 00:34:06,120 Speaker 1: that instant recognition. No one goes through life unloved. I 537 00:34:06,160 --> 00:34:08,600 Speaker 1: think there's not a single person I know in this world, 538 00:34:08,920 --> 00:34:11,960 Speaker 1: not a single person who exists who I think goes 539 00:34:12,000 --> 00:34:16,000 Speaker 1: through life unloved by at least someone around them or 540 00:34:16,040 --> 00:34:20,359 Speaker 1: even a stranger. So you don't need to have met 541 00:34:20,400 --> 00:34:23,719 Speaker 1: your platonic soulmate and have a best friend or the 542 00:34:23,760 --> 00:34:26,360 Speaker 1: person that is the love of your life right now. 543 00:34:26,880 --> 00:34:29,480 Speaker 1: That will come. It will come, and you can also 544 00:34:29,600 --> 00:34:33,000 Speaker 1: cultivate that and you can be your own soulmate. Sometimes 545 00:34:33,040 --> 00:34:37,239 Speaker 1: that's a really beautiful way of seeing things that anything 546 00:34:37,360 --> 00:34:40,680 Speaker 1: that you think of friendship or a relationship needs to 547 00:34:40,719 --> 00:34:45,239 Speaker 1: give you, you can give yourself. And that includes some of 548 00:34:45,280 --> 00:34:48,799 Speaker 1: that unconditional love we were speaking about, some of that 549 00:34:49,200 --> 00:34:52,839 Speaker 1: mutual understanding of needs, some of that laughter, some of 550 00:34:52,880 --> 00:34:56,839 Speaker 1: that space to grow. Those are all things that you 551 00:34:56,880 --> 00:34:59,840 Speaker 1: can give to you and we don't always need to 552 00:34:59,840 --> 00:35:04,359 Speaker 1: be looking outwardly to have those. Mads net. So, I 553 00:35:04,400 --> 00:35:06,200 Speaker 1: just want to say that if you're listening to this 554 00:35:06,360 --> 00:35:08,880 Speaker 1: being like, oh my goodness, what am I doing wrong? 555 00:35:09,880 --> 00:35:13,080 Speaker 1: This platonic soul made idea sounds amazing. I want to 556 00:35:13,080 --> 00:35:15,399 Speaker 1: get in on that and I haven't been able to yet. 557 00:35:16,400 --> 00:35:19,279 Speaker 1: Don't worry about it. There'll be someone out there. There'll 558 00:35:19,320 --> 00:35:22,359 Speaker 1: be multiple people out there who are going to show 559 00:35:22,440 --> 00:35:25,520 Speaker 1: up in your life and fill that cup so full 560 00:35:25,800 --> 00:35:28,680 Speaker 1: you do need more cops. So thank you so much 561 00:35:28,719 --> 00:35:33,040 Speaker 1: for listening to today's episode. If you have a platonic 562 00:35:33,080 --> 00:35:35,600 Speaker 1: soul made of your own. You should tell me about them, 563 00:35:36,120 --> 00:35:38,680 Speaker 1: or you should share this episode with them, let them 564 00:35:38,719 --> 00:35:40,560 Speaker 1: know that they are seen and that you love them 565 00:35:40,760 --> 00:35:44,160 Speaker 1: and that you will always be there for them. I'm 566 00:35:44,200 --> 00:35:47,640 Speaker 1: gonna send this episode to my platonic soul mate. I'm 567 00:35:47,680 --> 00:35:50,360 Speaker 1: hoping that she's already listening, but if not, here's her 568 00:35:50,400 --> 00:35:54,160 Speaker 1: reminder to subscribe to my show and leave me a 569 00:35:54,160 --> 00:35:56,960 Speaker 1: five star review. I'm hoping she's already done that as well, 570 00:35:56,960 --> 00:36:00,480 Speaker 1: but if you haven't, you should take some time to 571 00:36:00,800 --> 00:36:03,600 Speaker 1: leave a five star review wherever you are listening right now. 572 00:36:04,360 --> 00:36:07,520 Speaker 1: It really helps the show to grow and to reach 573 00:36:07,640 --> 00:36:11,239 Speaker 1: new people and new audiences, and it also makes my day. 574 00:36:11,320 --> 00:36:14,799 Speaker 1: I read every single one of your reviews when I'm 575 00:36:14,800 --> 00:36:17,799 Speaker 1: feeling good, when i'm feeling bad. They always just make 576 00:36:17,840 --> 00:36:22,120 Speaker 1: me happier. So if you have an episode suggestion as well, 577 00:36:22,640 --> 00:36:26,400 Speaker 1: please feel free to follow me at that psychology podcast 578 00:36:26,880 --> 00:36:29,680 Speaker 1: and send me a DM with your idea. I love 579 00:36:30,440 --> 00:36:34,640 Speaker 1: hearing about your experiences and how they relate to my own, 580 00:36:34,680 --> 00:36:38,719 Speaker 1: but also how they may be somewhat universal for a 581 00:36:38,760 --> 00:36:41,480 Speaker 1: lot of us in our twenties. So follow me over 582 00:36:41,520 --> 00:36:44,440 Speaker 1: there and send me your episode suggestions, send me your 583 00:36:44,440 --> 00:36:48,120 Speaker 1: feedback or just say hi, and as always, thank you 584 00:36:48,200 --> 00:36:51,719 Speaker 1: so much for listening to today's episode. We will be 585 00:36:51,840 --> 00:37:00,239 Speaker 1: back next week with another episode. Yeah.