Speaker 1: I am a Yamla. I've been very open about the
Speaker 1: fact that I was not always good at making my
Speaker 1: relationships work. I have been divorced three times, twice from
Speaker 1: the same person. In other words, I have seen a
Speaker 1: lot and failed a lot in my relationships. So I
Speaker 1: am here to share with you what I learned along
Speaker 1: the way because I did take copious notes. Welcome to
Speaker 1: the r Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership
Speaker 1: with iHeartRadio. When you act like you don't know what
Speaker 1: you do know, you'll get so confused until you won't know.
Speaker 1: And sometimes in relationships we love to act like we
Speaker 1: don't know what we do know, and then what we
Speaker 1: do is we try to go outside of ourselves to
Speaker 1: get someone to agree that we don't know what we
Speaker 1: do know. In that confusing, don't act like you don't
Speaker 1: know what you do know, and don't try to get
Speaker 1: anything outside of yourself to prove either that you don't
Speaker 1: know or to validate what you do know. Know what
Speaker 1: you know. Just know what you know, and even if
Speaker 1: you're mistaken and what you know, you're gonna learn something.
Speaker 1: You will learn something. That's what my next caller is
Speaker 1: up against. Acting like she doesn't know what she does
Speaker 1: know and trying to get someone to validate that she
Speaker 1: does know it. Oh, it's so confused that just listen.
Speaker 1: Greetings beloved, and welcome to the our spot. What is
Speaker 1: your relationship challenge, you dilemma that we can nibble on
Speaker 1: together today?
Speaker 2: Oh?
Speaker 3: Well, it's an honor to speak with you first all.
Speaker 3: And my situation is I'd been dating this guy for
Speaker 3: two and a half years, and last year I felt
Speaker 3: like it wasn't going anywhere. I never met his children, grandchildren,
Speaker 3: or anyone in his family. He hadn't met anyone in
Speaker 3: my family nor my grown children. So he was supposed
Speaker 3: to propose to me in January, but I ended up
Speaker 3: getting COVID last year and he had family issues, so
Speaker 3: we postponed it. This year. In February, he proposed. I
Speaker 3: accepted it, but nothing has changed. If you asked me,
Speaker 3: do I trust him?
Speaker 1: No?
Speaker 3: And I'm at the point now I'm willing to I
Speaker 3: thought we're in a ring. I'm willing to walk away.
Speaker 3: So now he like to keep me. He wants to
Speaker 3: go to counseling, but I'm like, you really don't want
Speaker 3: to go to counseling with me because it's going to
Speaker 3: get deep, and it's things that I've been holding on
Speaker 3: to that I want to say to him. But he's
Speaker 3: the type of man. We both are leos, so we're
Speaker 3: dominant people and we're stubborn at the same time. So
Speaker 3: every time you have a conversation with him deep, he
Speaker 3: goes into this defensive mode and saying that you know,
Speaker 3: he's busy, he don't want to talk about it. So
Speaker 3: that's where he felt like counseling should come in. But
Speaker 3: I need some advice because right now I don't want
Speaker 3: to go to counseling. I don't see the purpose of
Speaker 3: it because of the way the pass is and it's
Speaker 3: a lot more to this situation. And I know you
Speaker 3: don't have all day to listen to this, Brad, So
Speaker 3: what would you advise? Give me advice on?
Speaker 1: Well, I don't give advice. What I can do is
Speaker 1: support you in telling the truth and making a choice.
Speaker 1: That's what I can support you in doing. But advice,
Speaker 1: I don't have no advice. Okay, what is what is
Speaker 1: your question? Is it?
Speaker 3: Do I stay or do I Let me ask you.
Speaker 1: A question, Lemia, I don't Do you stay or do
Speaker 1: you go?
Speaker 3: I wonder.
Speaker 1: Do you stay with the man that you've been dating
Speaker 1: for two and a half years who's never met your children?
Speaker 1: Do you stay with a man for two and a
Speaker 1: half years whose family you've never met? Do you stay
Speaker 1: with a man you've been dating for two and a
Speaker 1: half years who has children that you've never met? Do
Speaker 1: you stay with a man who for two and a
Speaker 1: half years has indicated that he's not being fully honest
Speaker 1: and present with you? Do you stay with that man?
Speaker 2: Oh?
Speaker 1: Now, what's your question?
Speaker 3: I answered my old question?
Speaker 1: Yes, Wow, aren't you brilliant?
Speaker 2: Yes?
Speaker 3: Yes, I need a but that's the truth. And I
Speaker 3: think I don't want to face the facts that I
Speaker 3: need to go because I do love him, but I'm
Speaker 3: not happy. I'm not happy at all. I find myself
Speaker 3: more sad when I'm with him than happy. So and
Speaker 3: even if I did stay and I married him, I
Speaker 3: have a lot to lose. That means financially, that mean
Speaker 3: I'll move out my house, moving his house, And it's
Speaker 3: too much giving up my independence and my control of
Speaker 3: my life to live with someone that I'm not wanting
Speaker 3: percent sure, So I think my vice to myself self
Speaker 3: in is that I'm going to leave. I'm definitely going
Speaker 3: to leave.
Speaker 1: Okay, so why haven't you done it? Why haven't you
Speaker 1: done it? Thus fun, I.
Speaker 3: Did do it two days ago. I did, and I
Speaker 3: blocked him and everything off of social media and talking
Speaker 3: to him and things like that. I did do it,
Speaker 3: But I don't know where I get the shrift from
Speaker 3: when he calls on another phone, more from someone else
Speaker 3: than I find myself. Oh, maybe we can work this out,
Speaker 3: but we just keep going around in the same will
Speaker 3: and we're going nowhere, and I'm just tired. I'm burnt out,
Speaker 3: and I just want to be happy. I could be
Speaker 3: happy by myself or maybe happy with someone else, but
Speaker 3: I can't see myself happy with him. And even if
Speaker 3: we did get married, I would find myself, be honest,
Speaker 3: I would find myself cheating on him, and I don't
Speaker 3: want to be in a marriage that I will find
Speaker 3: myself not being faithful.
Speaker 1: Why would you marry a man that you've been dating
Speaker 1: for two years and he's never met your children? Why
Speaker 1: would you marry a man that you've been dating for
Speaker 1: two and a half years and you've never met his
Speaker 1: children or his family. Why would you marry a man
Speaker 1: that doesn't make you happy. That doesn't make you want
Speaker 1: to be a better woman. Why would you marry a
Speaker 1: man like that? Are you Are you drinking something? Are
Speaker 1: you smoking something? What are you thinking?
Speaker 2: No?
Speaker 3: What I think it is is more. And my mom
Speaker 3: has five children, all of them been married. I'm the youngest,
Speaker 3: never been married. And it's just the thought of being married.
Speaker 3: I don't mind growing old and being by myself. I mean,
Speaker 3: I have fun by myself. I enjoy traveling and things.
Speaker 3: But it was just the thult of someone thought enough
Speaker 3: of me to want to be their wife. And then
Speaker 3: my husband. But he's my husband material I already broke
Speaker 3: it off. It's just that I have to have that
Speaker 3: will power when he calls not to jump in my
Speaker 3: car and go to Charlotte to see him. That's where
Speaker 3: I need my will power and my strength to be
Speaker 3: just to say no, I'm not coming there, and you're
Speaker 3: not coming to my area.
Speaker 1: And what do you do when you jump in your
Speaker 1: car and go to Charlotte? What do you tell yourself.
Speaker 3: When I get there. I usually I don't go to
Speaker 3: his house. I check in a hotel and I will
Speaker 3: do little errands and stuff, go to the mall and
Speaker 3: things like that, and once he fly in and he
Speaker 3: goes to his house, he'll call me and then he'll
Speaker 3: say you want to have dinner or something like that,
Speaker 3: and then from there I see him and then he leaves.
Speaker 3: I leave, and I drive back to my hometown.
Speaker 1: Now, what kind of rabbit ass sense does that make?
Speaker 1: Does that make sense to you? Wash Rents repeat, wash
Speaker 1: Rents repeat it?
Speaker 3: Doesn't you know?
Speaker 1: As a woman, I want you to know that I
Speaker 1: totally understand that in the world today with you, all
Speaker 1: that we see and hear about relationships, how we're so
Speaker 1: programmed in conditioned to compare ourselves to other people. As
Speaker 1: a woman, I totally understand that you want somebody to
Speaker 1: choose you. Yes, as women, we just want him to
Speaker 1: somebody choose me. I want you to choose me. I
Speaker 1: want you to say that I'm the one you want.
Speaker 3: Now.
Speaker 1: You could be ball with three teeth, stinky breath, a
Speaker 1: pot belly, and run over shoes, but I want you
Speaker 1: to choose me. Somebody choose me, Yes, and that's what
Speaker 1: you're doing here. But what is it that's choosing you?
Speaker 1: And bigger than that, what does it mean to be married?
Speaker 1: What are you telling yourself it means to be married,
Speaker 1: because the truth is once, once you had sex, you
Speaker 1: were married. According to the universal law. You don't need
Speaker 1: a piece of paper from the courthouse. You consummate the union. Yes,
Speaker 1: that's true with intimate relations, that's number one. But number two,
Speaker 1: marriage is a unity, adjoining together of minds, hearts, and communities.
Speaker 1: It's clear that y'all's communities ain't joined because they ain't
Speaker 1: never met each other, So that's out. Yes, it's clear
Speaker 1: that your minds are not joined because you say clearly
Speaker 1: you're marrying material and he's not. Have you all ever
Speaker 1: discussed what his vision is? What your vision is? What's
Speaker 1: the vision for your union? You all have children, you're
Speaker 1: not having children. So what are you coming together to do?
Speaker 1: What are you coming together to be in the world?
Speaker 1: How does your union make the world and your community
Speaker 1: and your family a better place? Have you all had
Speaker 1: that discussion.
Speaker 3: We can't have discussions like that because we end up
Speaker 3: arguing and hanging up and he end up blocking me,
Speaker 3: so we don't That's why he wanted counseling. But going
Speaker 3: to counseling and someone sitting there listening to this story,
Speaker 3: I feel slow and like I'm something mentally is wrong
Speaker 3: with me, and he's not going to be honest, so
Speaker 3: I just look at it as a waste of money.
Speaker 1: Let me let me say this to you. I want
Speaker 1: you to hear me. Okay, I want you to hear me.
Speaker 1: I want you to really really listen to me. Listen
Speaker 1: to me with your hair and your ears, Listen to
Speaker 1: me with your fingernails. I think you had him done recently?
Speaker 3: Yes?
Speaker 1: Did you having nails done?
Speaker 2: Yes?
Speaker 1: Okay, we'll do it right after this break. Welcome back.
Speaker 1: I am mean, I'm learing. This is the ur spot. Okay,
Speaker 1: I want you to hear me. You didn't do anything wrong.
Speaker 1: You didn't do anything wrong staying in this relationship, but
Speaker 1: you did make a mistake. And it's okay, Okay, why
Speaker 1: do you think I'm saying that to you.
Speaker 3: I believe what you're saying to me is that I
Speaker 3: didn't do anything wrong physically, mentally, emotionally in this relationship,
Speaker 3: but I did do something wrong. I feel like I
Speaker 3: did something wrong by staying and knowing that it was
Speaker 3: wrong to stay when I should have been left. Not
Speaker 3: calling you should telling you all to confirm what I
Speaker 3: already felt. I should have took initiates way before this
Speaker 3: and left the relationship. I should have been left.
Speaker 1: Let me coach you a little bit here, Okay, not
Speaker 1: that you should have or you did something wrong. The
Speaker 1: mistake was not telling yourself the truth about what you
Speaker 1: were seeing. That was a mistake, yes, okay, it wasn't wrong.
Speaker 1: It was a mistake. You didn't tell yourself the truth
Speaker 1: about what you were seeing. Another possible mistake that you
Speaker 1: made was thinking it was going to change. Thinking That
Speaker 1: was a mistake, yeah, yeah, and not wrong. It wasn't wrong, Beloved,
Speaker 1: But it was a mistake not to tell yourself the
Speaker 1: truth about what you were seeing and to allow yourself
Speaker 1: to believe that what you were seeing was going to change.
Speaker 1: It was a mistake, Beloved, to deny your intuition. There
Speaker 1: were some things that as a woman, you could feel
Speaker 1: in sense, and you denied that because you wanted it
Speaker 1: to change, you wanted to believe. And that was a mistake,
Speaker 1: not wrong, not wrong at all. And here's the big mistake.
Speaker 1: Here's the big mistake, Accepting less than you wanted. That's
Speaker 1: the mistake. Yeah, therefinitely wasn't wrong, But because you wanted
Speaker 1: to be chosen, you wanted somebody to choose you as
Speaker 1: the youngest who'd never been married. And here comes Boo
Speaker 1: Boo to fool and he's choosing you. So you act
Speaker 1: like he wasn't Boo boo the fool. And it's not
Speaker 1: that you're breaking it off, it's not that you're leaving.
Speaker 1: It's that you're choosing you. You are going to choose you.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Yeah, so you didn't do anything wrong, but you did
Speaker 1: make some mistakes. Oops. I made some mistakes. Oops. Let
Speaker 1: me forgive myself, write it down, make a note to
Speaker 1: the file so that I don't never do that again. Oops.
Speaker 1: Made a mistake. Oops.
Speaker 3: Yes, yet is the true true? I really thank you
Speaker 3: for this. I already knew that I had to do.
Speaker 1: Oops. Oops, I made a mistake. I've been dating a
Speaker 1: man for two and a half years who has not
Speaker 1: introduced me to his children, and he wants to marry me. Oops.
Speaker 1: I made a mistake. I dated a man for two
Speaker 1: years who never asked to meet my children. Oops. I
Speaker 1: made a mistake. I denied my intuition when it showed
Speaker 1: me things and told me things about this person. Oops.
Speaker 1: I made a mistake. When I prayed and asked for clarity,
Speaker 1: got the clarity and then was disobedient. Oops, I made
Speaker 1: a mistake when I didn't choose me when he called
Speaker 1: and I went running to him to do the same
Speaker 1: thing over and over, washed rents, repeat, Oops, I made
Speaker 1: a mistake. Okay, I got it. Now I'm choosing me. Now,
Speaker 1: I'm choosing me, So you don't if you choose you
Speaker 1: when he called, choose you, And do you choose to
Speaker 1: drive two and a half hours just go to spend
Speaker 1: your money to go to a hotel to go shopping
Speaker 1: in the mall? The hotel money you could use for
Speaker 1: shopping in your hometown. Why you got to go to
Speaker 1: another city to shop. I'm choosing me. I don't need
Speaker 1: to go to another dinner. I don't need to stay
Speaker 1: in another hotel. I don't need to spend any more money.
Speaker 1: When I know what I've seen and what I've heard
Speaker 1: and what I feel. I'm choosing me, and I'm choosing
Speaker 1: to be happy. I'm choosing to be content. I'm choosing
Speaker 1: to take care of myself. Oops, I made a mistake.
Speaker 1: That's it simple.
Speaker 3: Yes, I could definitely do that.
Speaker 1: Okay, Okay, beloved.
Speaker 3: Okay, well, thank you so much, and you have a
Speaker 3: blessed day, and I appreciate it you.
Speaker 1: Too, beloved. Alrighty bye bye?
Speaker 3: Okay, then bye bye.
Speaker 1: There's something now. People rarely consent when they love someone.
Speaker 1: In fact, they may think that loving that person matters
Speaker 1: more than loving themselves. And we want to demonstrate or
Speaker 1: prove our love. Very often we will give them permission
Speaker 1: family members, mothers, fathers, children's siblings. We will give them
Speaker 1: permission to dishonor and disrespect us as a way we
Speaker 1: show them we love them. That will never turn out
Speaker 1: well for you, and that's exactly what my next caller
Speaker 1: is experiencing. Good morning, and welcome to the art spot. Now,
Speaker 1: what is your relationship challenge, issue, dilemma that we can
Speaker 1: discuss today?
Speaker 2: Good morning with Siana. I'm calling because I moved my
Speaker 2: mom in about a year and a half ago to
Speaker 2: kind of help her financially. Some backstory. She's very conflicted.
Speaker 2: She's been in conflict with every member of our family.
Speaker 2: We were strained for a while, but two years ago
Speaker 2: I wanted to maintain communication after having my daughter, and
Speaker 2: she would always complain about her job in New York
Speaker 2: and not having the four one key in health. So
Speaker 2: despite knowing her past, knowing our conflict, knowing that she
Speaker 2: can get violent at times when I hold her accountable.
Speaker 2: You know, my fiance and I still moved her in
Speaker 2: to help her financially temporarily. We had a plan in place,
Speaker 2: we spoke about it. But now we're a year and
Speaker 2: a half in and she has not made any progress financially.
Speaker 2: She's shopping. I've given up my daughter's room. I'm now
Speaker 2: eight months pregnant. You know, We've done everything we could.
Speaker 2: We asked for no money at all. We really wanted
Speaker 2: to help her, but it's getting to a point now
Speaker 2: where it's putting a strain on you know, my family
Speaker 2: that we're trying to grow, and we've ignored a lot.
Speaker 2: You know, we've given her a lot room to progress.
Speaker 2: I got her a job at my job. But I'm
Speaker 2: just struggling because I'm her only child. She's always put
Speaker 2: that skills on me that you know, she I'm all
Speaker 2: she has, and you know, I just I don't know
Speaker 2: what to do as an older woman, Like I'm thirty
Speaker 2: four years old, she's fifty six, and I think it's
Speaker 2: time she just be a little bit more responsible for herself.
Speaker 2: But I'm stuck because at the end of the day.
Speaker 2: She is my mom and I am her only child.
Speaker 2: So I just I don't know what to do.
Speaker 1: Well, what do you want to do?
Speaker 2: Like my gut is telling me that I tried to
Speaker 2: help someone that wasn't even trying to help themselves, and
Speaker 2: I think it's I feel like it's time that I
Speaker 2: do what my dad did for me, you know, when
Speaker 2: he finally said no when I was becoming an adult.
Speaker 2: You know, that helped me get myself together. So I
Speaker 2: want to say, you know, Mom, it's you know, thirty
Speaker 2: sixty days, like it's time for you to find your
Speaker 2: own place and you know, get on your own two feet.
Speaker 2: It's just I'm afraid to because I just know how
Speaker 2: she can blow up. I just know how, you know,
Speaker 2: and I just don't want anyone to kind of be
Speaker 2: alone in this world. But at some point, like she
Speaker 2: has to be accountable for herself. So I'm just afraid too.
Speaker 1: Do you think that your mother is capable of taking
Speaker 1: care of herself.
Speaker 2: I think she is. It's just that no one has
Speaker 2: ever really held her to that standard, so she's never
Speaker 2: really had to. She was supposed she was living in
Speaker 2: New York with my grandmother, because of my mom's like
Speaker 2: anger as she was in violent tendency, she moved out
Speaker 2: of that house. So I think she is very capable
Speaker 2: of getting on her own. She just needs to actually
Speaker 2: do the work right and put herself in a better position.
Speaker 1: Did I hear you say she can get violent?
Speaker 2: Yeah, only with me. I didn't grow up with her.
Speaker 2: I from five to sixteen, she moved to New York.
Speaker 2: I was in Trinidad, and when I moved in with
Speaker 2: her at sixteen, I was well equipped with like communication
Speaker 2: and emotional maturity for my aunt. So I really tried
Speaker 2: to have certain conversations with her, but that to her
Speaker 2: is like the worst thing I can possibly do as
Speaker 2: her child. So every time I try to speak with
Speaker 2: her about getting herself together or getting help mentally, et cetera,
Speaker 2: she really blows up. And that's why our communication has
Speaker 2: been strained. When my first daughter was born four years ago,
Speaker 2: they'll try to loop her in, they'll try to have
Speaker 2: a relationship with her. And one conversation went left and
Speaker 2: she just started punching the back of my car seat,
Speaker 2: and I remember, like, I remember just thinking to myself,
Speaker 2: I don't want my daughter to see what I saw
Speaker 2: growing up her, fighting with all her siblings, fighting with
Speaker 2: every friend she's ever had, fighting with her own mother
Speaker 2: and my grandmother. It's like, I don't want my daughter
Speaker 2: to see that. So because she lives in our home,
Speaker 2: the first time she tried to like store at me
Speaker 2: with her close fifth, when my fiance and my daughter
Speaker 2: was out of the house, I shut down. I cut communication.
Speaker 2: I don't really speak to her, even though she's in
Speaker 2: my home. It's just the pleasantries of being a Caribbean child.
Speaker 2: Good morning, you need anything from the store, good night,
Speaker 2: and that's it. Because I'm afraid. I just don't want
Speaker 2: my daughter to that. So here's that aspect of it too.
Speaker 1: You've said this word afraid at least five times in
Speaker 1: five minutes, so that's one time a minute. What is
Speaker 1: the fear? What is the fear? You know?
Speaker 2: Like I said, I didn't grow up with her. I
Speaker 2: grew up with extended family or sometimes even strangers, just
Speaker 2: for the sole purpose of me getting a good education
Speaker 2: in Trinidad. So I know what it's like to be
Speaker 2: without family. And I know that she's been somewhat of
Speaker 2: an outcast. I mean, of course because of her own
Speaker 2: actions as an adult, but it's like we have such
Speaker 2: a small family. It's literally maybe about five or six
Speaker 2: of us. You know, I just I don't want her
Speaker 2: to be alone in this world. I don't want to
Speaker 2: impose that on someone else when I know what that
Speaker 2: feels like as a child. I want to be able
Speaker 2: to live my life and give my daughters what I
Speaker 2: didn't have. But does that have to come at the
Speaker 2: cost of me abandoning my mother because it feels like
Speaker 2: I'm abandoning her?
Speaker 1: Are you aware that you did not answer the question
Speaker 1: that I asked you? Are you aware of that? Oh? Yeah,
Speaker 1: I asked you, what is the fear? I'm sorry, take
Speaker 1: your time start with this. I'm afraid that I'm.
Speaker 2: Afraid that she feels like I've given up on her,
Speaker 2: and I'm just afraid to hurt her.
Speaker 1: Have you given up on her?
Speaker 2: Little Yeah?
Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, So that's the truth. I've given up on
Speaker 1: trying to help someone who doesn't seem to want to
Speaker 1: help themselves, who's creating disruption in my home, someone that
Speaker 1: that is potentially harmful to me, to my children. So yeah,
Speaker 1: I've given up on her. Can you be okay with
Speaker 1: the fact that you've given up on someone who doesn't
Speaker 1: seem to be committed to supporting, helping, elevating themselves. Can
Speaker 1: you be okay with that? Don't make it about your mother,
Speaker 1: make it about another woman that you're trying to support.
Speaker 2: It's funny because I've heard you say that on a
Speaker 2: past podcast and that stuck with me. But I guess
Speaker 2: because I had that mother void for coastal eleven years,
Speaker 2: and my prime childhood is like you know, I still
Speaker 2: want to see her as my mom versus separating the
Speaker 2: mother from the woman, right. And it's crazy because I
Speaker 2: think I'm not.
Speaker 1: Here one second. I get that some of this is cultural.
Speaker 1: I get that, but you're trying to give her what
Speaker 1: she didn't give you. I heard you say that you
Speaker 1: didn't grow up with her. You grew up with other
Speaker 1: family members, sometimes strangers. So you're trying to give her
Speaker 1: what she didn't give you.
Speaker 2: Can you see that, Yes, ma'am, I could see that.
Speaker 1: Did she ask you to give it to her?
Speaker 3: No?
Speaker 2: She never asked for my help.
Speaker 1: But you, being the only child, that's her choice. She
Speaker 1: chose to have a child that she didn't raise. That
Speaker 1: was her choice. I think that you are attending a
Speaker 1: cultural and emotional university. And that's called making shit up MSU.
Speaker 1: Making s up. Okay, that's what you're that's what you're
Speaker 1: doing right now. You're making up that because you're her
Speaker 1: only child, you're responsible for her. You're making up that
Speaker 1: if you don't take care of her, it won't get done.
Speaker 1: You're making up that she has a problem being alone.
Speaker 1: You're making shit up and sacrificing yourself and your children
Speaker 1: in the process. Let me say that a little nicer,
Speaker 1: let me not be rude, since we're talking about your mother.
Speaker 1: You're making stuff up.
Speaker 2: I created this story.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and you. It's not you, the grown adult woman.
Speaker 1: It's the little girl that didn't have a mommy. So
Speaker 1: now you're you're parenting her and acting like you got
Speaker 1: to put up with all manner of wahalla and conflomeration
Speaker 1: to make her somehow love you. You want to love
Speaker 1: her more than she showed she'd loved you.
Speaker 2: I think I was just in some way she performs
Speaker 2: seeking permission to just sit with her and my fiance
Speaker 2: say it's time for her to leave.
Speaker 1: That's been the hardest, Yeah, because it's not the grown
Speaker 1: thirty four year old woman with a partner and a child.
Speaker 1: Eight months pregnant. That's not who's sitting with her. It's
Speaker 1: the six or seven year old who wanted her mommy.
Speaker 1: So you're making up that she wants her daughter the
Speaker 1: way you wanted your mommy. Yeah, so you've given up
Speaker 1: on her, not because she's not worthwhile or worthy, not
Speaker 1: because you don't love her and care about her. You've
Speaker 1: given up on her because your efforts to support her
Speaker 1: that weren't requested are not turning out the way you
Speaker 1: wanted them to turn out. That she would flourish and
Speaker 1: blossom and y'all would go get your nails and toes
Speaker 1: done together, and she'd be a great grandma and blah
Speaker 1: blah blah, whatever other crazy meant you made up.
Speaker 3: You're absolutely right.
Speaker 1: So what do we do now? We'll talk about that
Speaker 1: right after this break. Welcome back to the R Spot.
Speaker 1: Let's get back to the conversation. You know, sometime people
Speaker 1: simply don't know how to manage themselves. And if they
Speaker 1: don't know how to manage themselves, the only way they
Speaker 1: will learn is to be confronted with their mismanagement. But
Speaker 1: you can't get in her head and think for her.
Speaker 1: Here's the bottom line. This is all you have to
Speaker 1: worry about. You moved your mother into your home from
Speaker 1: a place of loving care and concern. Is that accurate?
Speaker 2: Yes, ma'am.
Speaker 1: You had an agreement that she would be there for
Speaker 1: how long? What was the agreement?
Speaker 2: For one year?
Speaker 1: For one year, and she didn't have to pay anything,
Speaker 1: and within that one year, her agreement or her understanding,
Speaker 1: your understanding, was that she would get herself together financially,
Speaker 1: that she would pay down some debt, and that she
Speaker 1: would be prepared to stand on her own. Is that accurate, yes, ma'am.
Speaker 1: So here we are a year and a half later,
Speaker 1: and she hasn't lived up to her end of the agreement.
Speaker 1: Period doesn't matter if she's your mother, the mailman, a
Speaker 1: stranger you picked up at the homeless shelter, it doesn't matter.
Speaker 1: The agreement has been violated. So you get to either
Speaker 1: renegotiate that agreement or bring it to an end.
Speaker 2: The adulting me is a just I've been taken advantage of.
Speaker 2: My daughter deserves better, and it's no.
Speaker 1: That's not the adult. That's not the adult. That's the teenager.
Speaker 1: That's the teenager, that's the fourteen, fifteen year old. She's
Speaker 1: not my friend. Look how she's treating me. I'm not
Speaker 1: you know, I'm doing everything for her and she's not
Speaker 1: doing nothing for me. And that that that that's the teenager,
Speaker 1: because the adult would say, get your stuff together or
Speaker 1: get the hell out my house. Raise your hand to me,
Speaker 1: and I'm gonna show you something new. That's what the
Speaker 1: adult would say, because adults take responsibility for themselves, and
Speaker 1: what you're dealing with is a belligerent teenager and expecting
Speaker 1: her to act like an adult. So your teenager is
Speaker 1: bumping up against her teenager. Only teenagers raise their hand
Speaker 1: and pound on people in this playground when they don't
Speaker 1: get their way, and only other teenagers run from other
Speaker 1: teenagers when they do that. So we got to grow
Speaker 1: you all the way up. This is not working, and
Speaker 1: I am so aware you didn't ask me for any help.
Speaker 1: I wanted to help you, but the help that I
Speaker 1: wanted to give you obviously you don't want. This isn't working.
Speaker 1: You got thirty days to be out of here, and
Speaker 1: if you're not out in thirty and thirty one, I
Speaker 1: will remove your property. Period. That's what an adult would do,
Speaker 1: because it's not kind and loving to you or the
Speaker 1: child that you're carrying, or to your other daughter to
Speaker 1: see you're pregnant and you're stressed out with your mother,
Speaker 1: What are you teaching the baby you're carrying? What is
Speaker 1: that baby marinating in? So now when you at thirteen,
Speaker 1: when that child is ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, and you're
Speaker 1: having problems with that child, it'll come right back to this.
Speaker 1: That child is marinating in discord between mother and daughter.
Speaker 1: That's what your baby's marinating in. Can you see that?
Speaker 3: Yes, ma'am.
Speaker 1: I don't mean to be stern with you, but my
Speaker 1: personal philosophy is secure the children first. That's my personal philosophy.
Speaker 1: So when I see people doing crazy meant to cause
Speaker 1: harm to the children, I'm coming for you. So forgive me. No.
Speaker 2: I appreciate that. I really do appreciate that. I thought
Speaker 2: I was trying to break some type of generational curse.
Speaker 2: You know, she was having issues with her mom and
Speaker 2: my grandmother. I've had these issues with her over these years.
Speaker 2: You know, I just didn't want my daughters to see
Speaker 2: that as a standard. But I'm realizing this is a
Speaker 2: different situation. I'm creating this story, like you said, and
Speaker 2: I really just need to see it for what it
Speaker 2: is and stand up for myself and my family.
Speaker 1: And not only did you mention afraid, I've got now
Speaker 1: seven times you said don't want. You said don't want
Speaker 1: thirteen times, So you keep affirming what you don't want.
Speaker 1: I don't want her to be alone. I don't want
Speaker 1: her to this. I don't want her to think I
Speaker 1: don't want her. I don't want her. And that's what
Speaker 1: you're creating. You're creating the very thing you don't want.
Speaker 1: What if she sets you up. What if she has
Speaker 1: a belief nobody wants me, I'm a problem, nobody's there
Speaker 1: for me. What if that's her belief system. So what
Speaker 1: she will do, if that's her belief system, is should
Speaker 1: go around creating experiences and situations to prove that she's right,
Speaker 1: because that's what she that's what she's making up. So
Speaker 1: she's made that up in her mind. And now she
Speaker 1: set you up to give her evidence to prove what
Speaker 1: she believes is true. Nobody wants me, nobody's there for me,
Speaker 1: I'm all alone in the world, blah blah blah blah blah,
Speaker 1: and she just sets you up to prove it because
Speaker 1: now you got to put her out because of her
Speaker 1: derelic behavior, and some of it is cultural. I get that,
Speaker 1: and I respect that.
Speaker 2: My question to you is, you know, once I do that,
Speaker 2: because our counselor is on board, my fiance is on board,
Speaker 2: he supports me with that decision, how do I deal
Speaker 2: with the relationship after that? Do I just give it
Speaker 2: to God and just leave it alone? Or you know,
Speaker 2: do I go to therapy?
Speaker 1: Go to therapy. That's how you deal with got it?
Speaker 2: Got it?
Speaker 1: Go to therapy to figure out and grow that little
Speaker 1: girl up that is still hurt and broken and wounded
Speaker 1: that her mommy didn't want her. Because that's what you're
Speaker 1: working with while raising Yeah, okay, go to the mirror
Speaker 1: and pluck yourself in the head. Wake up. Here's another
Speaker 1: thing that I want you to consider. By continuing to
Speaker 1: engage her in this dysfunction, no behavior, you're holding her
Speaker 1: to the limitations that she's placed on herself. You're treating
Speaker 1: her as if she can't do better, and so you
Speaker 1: have to rescue her. And as long as you rescue her,
Speaker 1: she won't do better. She'll stay in the limitation. Does
Speaker 1: that make sense?
Speaker 2: It does? I see that cycle in her life. My
Speaker 2: grandmother was that person before I was. I can see that.
Speaker 1: Well, your mother is really powerful. She gets what she
Speaker 1: wants and she sucks other people into it. And I'm
Speaker 1: not talking bad about your mother. I'm looking at a
Speaker 1: grown adult woman, a mother and a grandmother who's not
Speaker 1: occupying her space, who's not occupying her space in her
Speaker 1: life as a mother and a grandmother. And this is
Speaker 1: how you behave Really, are you willing for her to
Speaker 1: be angry with you? Yes, Okay, I give myself permission.
Speaker 1: I give myself mission to allow my mother to be
Speaker 1: upset with me. I want to hear you say.
Speaker 2: That, I give my self permission to allow my mother
Speaker 2: to be a setlisk.
Speaker 1: Take a breath. I give myself permission to realize it
Speaker 1: is not my responsibility to take care of my mother.
Speaker 2: I give my self permission that is not my responsibility
Speaker 2: to take care of my mother.
Speaker 1: And not that as a as a child. You know,
Speaker 1: because it's also cultural for us as Caribbeans, as Latin,
Speaker 1: as people of color that we do care for our elderly.
Speaker 1: And it would be different if she were sick or incapacitated.
Speaker 1: But she's she's shopping. Hello, does she buy food once
Speaker 1: in a while, you need to give you your self
Speaker 1: permission to stop being an enabler. Yeah, because you're enabling
Speaker 1: her to remain unaccountable and irresponsible in her own life.
Speaker 1: Doesn't matter where she lives. If she's fifty something years
Speaker 1: old and she's in debt, she doesn't have a place
Speaker 1: to call her own. I know that probably means she's
Speaker 1: not in any kind of relationship. She's disrespectful to her
Speaker 1: mother what you're supporting her and being unaccountable and irresponsible.
Speaker 1: I want to encourage you that you know, you get
Speaker 1: really solid within yourself before you have the conversation. That
Speaker 1: means you have to be okay with the possibility that
Speaker 1: your mother may be in a shelter or on the street,
Speaker 1: or in a single room occupancy hotel. That you get
Speaker 1: real solid and comfortable, not comfortable, but aware of the
Speaker 1: fact that she's going to be angry with you, that
Speaker 1: your daughter won't see her. You may not see her,
Speaker 1: she may not. You got to walk through all of
Speaker 1: that in your mind before you have the conation, because
Speaker 1: if you go into that conversation with your mom, if
Speaker 1: you make the request of her to leave and you're
Speaker 1: not solid, she's gonna eat you alive, you will be lunch.
Speaker 1: So you go to your counselor, because that's much more
Speaker 1: than we can do here in the time that we
Speaker 1: have allotted. But you deal with the fear, and you
Speaker 1: talk to your counselor about the little girl parenting her mother.
Speaker 1: And like I said, don't do anything until you're ready,
Speaker 1: because if you try to do this with her and
Speaker 1: you're not solid in yourself, she's gonna eat you up
Speaker 1: because that's the game she plays. Thank you, okay, tell
Speaker 1: me something you know now that you didn't know when
Speaker 1: you called.
Speaker 2: That's's hard to say out loud, as hard as to
Speaker 2: except I've been helping someone.
Speaker 1: I want you to say it.
Speaker 2: I've been helping say it again. I've been helping a
Speaker 2: woman never asked me for help. Number one. Number two,
Speaker 2: I've been operating out of a lesser version or a
Speaker 2: younger version of myself versus a grown woman, a fiance,
Speaker 2: a wife, and a mother. And I've been allowing someone
Speaker 2: to violate their word, not honor, but not respect what
Speaker 2: we've been trying to do for them.
Speaker 1: No, that makes it about them. I want you to
Speaker 1: keep this on. Got it that I have given someone
Speaker 1: permission to violate their word with me to dishonor an
Speaker 1: agreement they made with me. I've given someone permission to
Speaker 1: dishonor and disrespect me.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I've given someone permission to repeatedly, actually verbally physically
Speaker 2: disrespect me and my household. And I'm not willing to
Speaker 2: do that.
Speaker 1: Yeah, there you go. I'm not choosing that anymore. Choice
Speaker 1: is your power, Make the choice.
Speaker 2: Make the choice.
Speaker 1: So okay, my darling, let me know how you make out.
Speaker 1: Happy baby, Thank you. We have as okay, all right bye.
Speaker 1: And there's this whole concept of helping my family. I'm
Speaker 1: helping my family. Sometimes a person hasn't asked for help,
Speaker 1: and we jump in giving them what we think they
Speaker 1: need to be helped. Here is a note to file.
Speaker 1: Write it down. You cannot help someone who didn't ask
Speaker 1: for help. You can't help somebody didn't ask for help
Speaker 1: because the thing you think they need may not be
Speaker 1: what they see that they need, think they need, feel
Speaker 1: that they need, and you trying to help them get
Speaker 1: that thing will always blow up in your face. But
Speaker 1: here's the big part. It does not help anybody. When
Speaker 1: you dishonor disrespect yourself, that's not helping somebody to diminish, demean,
Speaker 1: dishonor disrespect yourself to lift somebody else up. There's an
Speaker 1: old African proverb that says this, be careful who you lift,
Speaker 1: because it puts you on the bottom. And if you
Speaker 1: lift in too much weight the way is somebody that
Speaker 1: didn't ask for your help, don't want to be helped,
Speaker 1: You're gonna get crushed. I hope this has been helpful
Speaker 1: to someone, and if you have a question about this
Speaker 1: or any other relationship issue, you can call me live
Speaker 1: at seven seven five three zero seven seven seven six eight.
Speaker 1: Now be sure to follow me on social media for
Speaker 1: all of the calling times, and until then, stay in
Speaker 1: peace and not pieces. The R Spot is a production
Speaker 1: of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts
Speaker 1: from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or
Speaker 1: wherever you listen to your favorite shows.