1 00:00:02,440 --> 00:00:05,280 Speaker 1: I am a Yamla. I've been very open about the 2 00:00:05,360 --> 00:00:08,400 Speaker 1: fact that I was not always good at making my 3 00:00:08,520 --> 00:00:12,760 Speaker 1: relationships work. I have been divorced three times, twice from 4 00:00:12,800 --> 00:00:15,680 Speaker 1: the same person. In other words, I have seen a 5 00:00:15,720 --> 00:00:20,320 Speaker 1: lot and failed a lot in my relationships. So I 6 00:00:20,360 --> 00:00:23,720 Speaker 1: am here to share with you what I learned along 7 00:00:23,760 --> 00:00:27,159 Speaker 1: the way because I did take copious notes. Welcome to 8 00:00:27,200 --> 00:00:31,320 Speaker 1: the r Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership 9 00:00:31,520 --> 00:00:48,720 Speaker 1: with iHeartRadio. When you act like you don't know what 10 00:00:48,800 --> 00:00:52,720 Speaker 1: you do know, you'll get so confused until you won't know. 11 00:00:55,520 --> 00:01:00,160 Speaker 1: And sometimes in relationships we love to act like we 12 00:01:00,280 --> 00:01:04,240 Speaker 1: don't know what we do know, and then what we 13 00:01:04,360 --> 00:01:08,280 Speaker 1: do is we try to go outside of ourselves to 14 00:01:08,319 --> 00:01:12,039 Speaker 1: get someone to agree that we don't know what we 15 00:01:12,080 --> 00:01:17,199 Speaker 1: do know. In that confusing, don't act like you don't 16 00:01:17,240 --> 00:01:19,600 Speaker 1: know what you do know, and don't try to get 17 00:01:19,720 --> 00:01:24,400 Speaker 1: anything outside of yourself to prove either that you don't 18 00:01:24,480 --> 00:01:28,120 Speaker 1: know or to validate what you do know. Know what 19 00:01:28,160 --> 00:01:32,600 Speaker 1: you know. Just know what you know, and even if 20 00:01:32,640 --> 00:01:37,040 Speaker 1: you're mistaken and what you know, you're gonna learn something. 21 00:01:37,840 --> 00:01:41,200 Speaker 1: You will learn something. That's what my next caller is 22 00:01:41,280 --> 00:01:44,160 Speaker 1: up against. Acting like she doesn't know what she does 23 00:01:44,280 --> 00:01:47,039 Speaker 1: know and trying to get someone to validate that she 24 00:01:47,160 --> 00:01:51,880 Speaker 1: does know it. Oh, it's so confused that just listen. 25 00:01:55,000 --> 00:01:58,400 Speaker 1: Greetings beloved, and welcome to the our spot. What is 26 00:01:58,400 --> 00:02:01,920 Speaker 1: your relationship challenge, you dilemma that we can nibble on 27 00:02:02,040 --> 00:02:02,880 Speaker 1: together today? 28 00:02:03,880 --> 00:02:04,120 Speaker 2: Oh? 29 00:02:04,160 --> 00:02:07,080 Speaker 3: Well, it's an honor to speak with you first all. 30 00:02:07,840 --> 00:02:12,400 Speaker 3: And my situation is I'd been dating this guy for 31 00:02:12,800 --> 00:02:16,560 Speaker 3: two and a half years, and last year I felt 32 00:02:16,560 --> 00:02:21,480 Speaker 3: like it wasn't going anywhere. I never met his children, grandchildren, 33 00:02:22,000 --> 00:02:25,560 Speaker 3: or anyone in his family. He hadn't met anyone in 34 00:02:25,560 --> 00:02:30,160 Speaker 3: my family nor my grown children. So he was supposed 35 00:02:30,200 --> 00:02:34,120 Speaker 3: to propose to me in January, but I ended up 36 00:02:34,120 --> 00:02:38,600 Speaker 3: getting COVID last year and he had family issues, so 37 00:02:39,280 --> 00:02:43,720 Speaker 3: we postponed it. This year. In February, he proposed. I 38 00:02:43,880 --> 00:02:49,840 Speaker 3: accepted it, but nothing has changed. If you asked me, 39 00:02:49,960 --> 00:02:50,920 Speaker 3: do I trust him? 40 00:02:51,639 --> 00:02:51,679 Speaker 1: No? 41 00:02:52,639 --> 00:02:55,960 Speaker 3: And I'm at the point now I'm willing to I 42 00:02:55,960 --> 00:02:58,280 Speaker 3: thought we're in a ring. I'm willing to walk away. 43 00:02:58,800 --> 00:03:02,960 Speaker 3: So now he like to keep me. He wants to 44 00:03:03,000 --> 00:03:07,519 Speaker 3: go to counseling, but I'm like, you really don't want 45 00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:09,560 Speaker 3: to go to counseling with me because it's going to 46 00:03:09,560 --> 00:03:13,079 Speaker 3: get deep, and it's things that I've been holding on 47 00:03:13,160 --> 00:03:17,160 Speaker 3: to that I want to say to him. But he's 48 00:03:17,200 --> 00:03:20,200 Speaker 3: the type of man. We both are leos, so we're 49 00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:24,440 Speaker 3: dominant people and we're stubborn at the same time. So 50 00:03:24,680 --> 00:03:29,359 Speaker 3: every time you have a conversation with him deep, he 51 00:03:29,440 --> 00:03:33,320 Speaker 3: goes into this defensive mode and saying that you know, 52 00:03:33,440 --> 00:03:35,880 Speaker 3: he's busy, he don't want to talk about it. So 53 00:03:36,040 --> 00:03:40,760 Speaker 3: that's where he felt like counseling should come in. But 54 00:03:41,360 --> 00:03:45,000 Speaker 3: I need some advice because right now I don't want 55 00:03:45,040 --> 00:03:48,600 Speaker 3: to go to counseling. I don't see the purpose of 56 00:03:48,680 --> 00:03:53,160 Speaker 3: it because of the way the pass is and it's 57 00:03:53,440 --> 00:03:56,840 Speaker 3: a lot more to this situation. And I know you 58 00:03:56,920 --> 00:04:00,800 Speaker 3: don't have all day to listen to this, Brad, So 59 00:04:01,120 --> 00:04:04,400 Speaker 3: what would you advise? Give me advice on? 60 00:04:05,160 --> 00:04:09,320 Speaker 1: Well, I don't give advice. What I can do is 61 00:04:09,360 --> 00:04:13,120 Speaker 1: support you in telling the truth and making a choice. 62 00:04:13,280 --> 00:04:16,159 Speaker 1: That's what I can support you in doing. But advice, 63 00:04:16,440 --> 00:04:20,359 Speaker 1: I don't have no advice. Okay, what is what is 64 00:04:20,400 --> 00:04:22,960 Speaker 1: your question? Is it? 65 00:04:23,480 --> 00:04:26,159 Speaker 3: Do I stay or do I Let me ask you. 66 00:04:26,160 --> 00:04:30,480 Speaker 1: A question, Lemia, I don't Do you stay or do 67 00:04:30,520 --> 00:04:30,920 Speaker 1: you go? 68 00:04:31,960 --> 00:04:32,440 Speaker 3: I wonder. 69 00:04:33,920 --> 00:04:36,640 Speaker 1: Do you stay with the man that you've been dating 70 00:04:36,680 --> 00:04:39,480 Speaker 1: for two and a half years who's never met your children? 71 00:04:40,080 --> 00:04:42,000 Speaker 1: Do you stay with a man for two and a 72 00:04:42,040 --> 00:04:45,440 Speaker 1: half years whose family you've never met? Do you stay 73 00:04:45,480 --> 00:04:47,000 Speaker 1: with a man you've been dating for two and a 74 00:04:47,040 --> 00:04:50,280 Speaker 1: half years who has children that you've never met? Do 75 00:04:50,320 --> 00:04:52,200 Speaker 1: you stay with a man who for two and a 76 00:04:52,240 --> 00:04:57,239 Speaker 1: half years has indicated that he's not being fully honest 77 00:04:57,279 --> 00:04:59,320 Speaker 1: and present with you? Do you stay with that man? 78 00:05:00,240 --> 00:05:00,440 Speaker 2: Oh? 79 00:05:00,560 --> 00:05:02,480 Speaker 1: Now, what's your question? 80 00:05:04,080 --> 00:05:07,599 Speaker 3: I answered my old question? 81 00:05:07,960 --> 00:05:10,400 Speaker 1: Yes, Wow, aren't you brilliant? 82 00:05:11,000 --> 00:05:11,440 Speaker 2: Yes? 83 00:05:11,839 --> 00:05:19,200 Speaker 3: Yes, I need a but that's the truth. And I 84 00:05:19,240 --> 00:05:22,640 Speaker 3: think I don't want to face the facts that I 85 00:05:22,720 --> 00:05:26,080 Speaker 3: need to go because I do love him, but I'm 86 00:05:26,120 --> 00:05:29,960 Speaker 3: not happy. I'm not happy at all. I find myself 87 00:05:30,040 --> 00:05:35,000 Speaker 3: more sad when I'm with him than happy. So and 88 00:05:35,920 --> 00:05:39,920 Speaker 3: even if I did stay and I married him, I 89 00:05:40,000 --> 00:05:45,080 Speaker 3: have a lot to lose. That means financially, that mean 90 00:05:45,200 --> 00:05:48,640 Speaker 3: I'll move out my house, moving his house, And it's 91 00:05:48,680 --> 00:05:52,400 Speaker 3: too much giving up my independence and my control of 92 00:05:52,520 --> 00:05:56,000 Speaker 3: my life to live with someone that I'm not wanting 93 00:05:56,080 --> 00:06:00,359 Speaker 3: percent sure, So I think my vice to myself self 94 00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:04,240 Speaker 3: in is that I'm going to leave. I'm definitely going 95 00:06:04,320 --> 00:06:04,720 Speaker 3: to leave. 96 00:06:05,640 --> 00:06:10,080 Speaker 1: Okay, so why haven't you done it? Why haven't you 97 00:06:10,120 --> 00:06:12,520 Speaker 1: done it? Thus fun, I. 98 00:06:12,480 --> 00:06:15,720 Speaker 3: Did do it two days ago. I did, and I 99 00:06:15,839 --> 00:06:20,679 Speaker 3: blocked him and everything off of social media and talking 100 00:06:20,720 --> 00:06:24,200 Speaker 3: to him and things like that. I did do it, 101 00:06:24,760 --> 00:06:26,799 Speaker 3: But I don't know where I get the shrift from 102 00:06:26,839 --> 00:06:30,839 Speaker 3: when he calls on another phone, more from someone else 103 00:06:31,240 --> 00:06:34,920 Speaker 3: than I find myself. Oh, maybe we can work this out, 104 00:06:35,040 --> 00:06:38,719 Speaker 3: but we just keep going around in the same will 105 00:06:39,240 --> 00:06:43,120 Speaker 3: and we're going nowhere, and I'm just tired. I'm burnt out, 106 00:06:43,760 --> 00:06:46,320 Speaker 3: and I just want to be happy. I could be 107 00:06:46,360 --> 00:06:50,320 Speaker 3: happy by myself or maybe happy with someone else, but 108 00:06:50,440 --> 00:06:54,039 Speaker 3: I can't see myself happy with him. And even if 109 00:06:54,120 --> 00:06:57,920 Speaker 3: we did get married, I would find myself, be honest, 110 00:06:58,279 --> 00:07:01,240 Speaker 3: I would find myself cheating on him, and I don't 111 00:07:01,279 --> 00:07:04,080 Speaker 3: want to be in a marriage that I will find 112 00:07:04,080 --> 00:07:06,120 Speaker 3: myself not being faithful. 113 00:07:07,000 --> 00:07:09,440 Speaker 1: Why would you marry a man that you've been dating 114 00:07:09,440 --> 00:07:12,320 Speaker 1: for two years and he's never met your children? Why 115 00:07:12,320 --> 00:07:14,200 Speaker 1: would you marry a man that you've been dating for 116 00:07:14,200 --> 00:07:16,000 Speaker 1: two and a half years and you've never met his 117 00:07:16,120 --> 00:07:18,800 Speaker 1: children or his family. Why would you marry a man 118 00:07:18,880 --> 00:07:21,760 Speaker 1: that doesn't make you happy. That doesn't make you want 119 00:07:21,760 --> 00:07:23,920 Speaker 1: to be a better woman. Why would you marry a 120 00:07:23,960 --> 00:07:27,240 Speaker 1: man like that? Are you Are you drinking something? Are 121 00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:29,600 Speaker 1: you smoking something? What are you thinking? 122 00:07:31,200 --> 00:07:31,440 Speaker 2: No? 123 00:07:32,600 --> 00:07:38,240 Speaker 3: What I think it is is more. And my mom 124 00:07:38,320 --> 00:07:41,600 Speaker 3: has five children, all of them been married. I'm the youngest, 125 00:07:42,160 --> 00:07:46,040 Speaker 3: never been married. And it's just the thought of being married. 126 00:07:47,360 --> 00:07:50,600 Speaker 3: I don't mind growing old and being by myself. I mean, 127 00:07:50,680 --> 00:07:54,320 Speaker 3: I have fun by myself. I enjoy traveling and things. 128 00:07:54,560 --> 00:07:58,080 Speaker 3: But it was just the thult of someone thought enough 129 00:07:58,120 --> 00:08:01,720 Speaker 3: of me to want to be their wife. And then 130 00:08:01,880 --> 00:08:06,040 Speaker 3: my husband. But he's my husband material I already broke 131 00:08:06,080 --> 00:08:08,640 Speaker 3: it off. It's just that I have to have that 132 00:08:09,240 --> 00:08:12,760 Speaker 3: will power when he calls not to jump in my 133 00:08:12,920 --> 00:08:16,960 Speaker 3: car and go to Charlotte to see him. That's where 134 00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:20,520 Speaker 3: I need my will power and my strength to be 135 00:08:21,160 --> 00:08:24,120 Speaker 3: just to say no, I'm not coming there, and you're 136 00:08:24,160 --> 00:08:25,800 Speaker 3: not coming to my area. 137 00:08:26,160 --> 00:08:28,000 Speaker 1: And what do you do when you jump in your 138 00:08:28,040 --> 00:08:30,680 Speaker 1: car and go to Charlotte? What do you tell yourself. 139 00:08:30,920 --> 00:08:33,400 Speaker 3: When I get there. I usually I don't go to 140 00:08:33,440 --> 00:08:37,640 Speaker 3: his house. I check in a hotel and I will 141 00:08:37,679 --> 00:08:40,280 Speaker 3: do little errands and stuff, go to the mall and 142 00:08:40,360 --> 00:08:44,200 Speaker 3: things like that, and once he fly in and he 143 00:08:44,320 --> 00:08:47,720 Speaker 3: goes to his house, he'll call me and then he'll 144 00:08:47,760 --> 00:08:49,920 Speaker 3: say you want to have dinner or something like that, 145 00:08:50,440 --> 00:08:54,440 Speaker 3: and then from there I see him and then he leaves. 146 00:08:54,640 --> 00:08:58,559 Speaker 3: I leave, and I drive back to my hometown. 147 00:08:58,920 --> 00:09:01,760 Speaker 1: Now, what kind of rabbit ass sense does that make? 148 00:09:02,120 --> 00:09:05,199 Speaker 1: Does that make sense to you? Wash Rents repeat, wash 149 00:09:05,280 --> 00:09:07,439 Speaker 1: Rents repeat it? 150 00:09:07,520 --> 00:09:08,640 Speaker 3: Doesn't you know? 151 00:09:09,320 --> 00:09:13,000 Speaker 1: As a woman, I want you to know that I 152 00:09:13,160 --> 00:09:18,600 Speaker 1: totally understand that in the world today with you, all 153 00:09:18,640 --> 00:09:22,280 Speaker 1: that we see and hear about relationships, how we're so 154 00:09:22,480 --> 00:09:27,600 Speaker 1: programmed in conditioned to compare ourselves to other people. As 155 00:09:27,600 --> 00:09:32,319 Speaker 1: a woman, I totally understand that you want somebody to 156 00:09:32,440 --> 00:09:36,840 Speaker 1: choose you. Yes, as women, we just want him to 157 00:09:37,320 --> 00:09:40,880 Speaker 1: somebody choose me. I want you to choose me. I 158 00:09:40,920 --> 00:09:43,920 Speaker 1: want you to say that I'm the one you want. 159 00:09:44,640 --> 00:09:44,800 Speaker 3: Now. 160 00:09:44,840 --> 00:09:49,520 Speaker 1: You could be ball with three teeth, stinky breath, a 161 00:09:49,559 --> 00:09:53,440 Speaker 1: pot belly, and run over shoes, but I want you 162 00:09:53,480 --> 00:09:58,760 Speaker 1: to choose me. Somebody choose me, Yes, and that's what 163 00:09:58,760 --> 00:10:02,520 Speaker 1: you're doing here. But what is it that's choosing you? 164 00:10:02,920 --> 00:10:06,320 Speaker 1: And bigger than that, what does it mean to be married? 165 00:10:06,880 --> 00:10:10,319 Speaker 1: What are you telling yourself it means to be married, 166 00:10:10,559 --> 00:10:13,440 Speaker 1: because the truth is once, once you had sex, you 167 00:10:13,520 --> 00:10:16,679 Speaker 1: were married. According to the universal law. You don't need 168 00:10:16,720 --> 00:10:21,560 Speaker 1: a piece of paper from the courthouse. You consummate the union. Yes, 169 00:10:21,800 --> 00:10:27,160 Speaker 1: that's true with intimate relations, that's number one. But number two, 170 00:10:28,240 --> 00:10:35,599 Speaker 1: marriage is a unity, adjoining together of minds, hearts, and communities. 171 00:10:36,280 --> 00:10:38,920 Speaker 1: It's clear that y'all's communities ain't joined because they ain't 172 00:10:38,960 --> 00:10:43,240 Speaker 1: never met each other, So that's out. Yes, it's clear 173 00:10:43,320 --> 00:10:47,560 Speaker 1: that your minds are not joined because you say clearly 174 00:10:47,679 --> 00:10:51,400 Speaker 1: you're marrying material and he's not. Have you all ever 175 00:10:51,520 --> 00:10:54,960 Speaker 1: discussed what his vision is? What your vision is? What's 176 00:10:55,000 --> 00:10:57,439 Speaker 1: the vision for your union? You all have children, you're 177 00:10:57,440 --> 00:11:00,480 Speaker 1: not having children. So what are you coming together to do? 178 00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:03,400 Speaker 1: What are you coming together to be in the world? 179 00:11:03,840 --> 00:11:06,839 Speaker 1: How does your union make the world and your community 180 00:11:06,920 --> 00:11:09,439 Speaker 1: and your family a better place? Have you all had 181 00:11:09,480 --> 00:11:10,199 Speaker 1: that discussion. 182 00:11:10,600 --> 00:11:13,080 Speaker 3: We can't have discussions like that because we end up 183 00:11:13,280 --> 00:11:16,080 Speaker 3: arguing and hanging up and he end up blocking me, 184 00:11:16,640 --> 00:11:21,160 Speaker 3: so we don't That's why he wanted counseling. But going 185 00:11:21,200 --> 00:11:25,520 Speaker 3: to counseling and someone sitting there listening to this story, 186 00:11:25,960 --> 00:11:30,319 Speaker 3: I feel slow and like I'm something mentally is wrong 187 00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:34,600 Speaker 3: with me, and he's not going to be honest, so 188 00:11:34,679 --> 00:11:36,520 Speaker 3: I just look at it as a waste of money. 189 00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:38,840 Speaker 1: Let me let me say this to you. I want 190 00:11:38,880 --> 00:11:42,160 Speaker 1: you to hear me. Okay, I want you to hear me. 191 00:11:43,640 --> 00:11:46,960 Speaker 1: I want you to really really listen to me. Listen 192 00:11:46,960 --> 00:11:50,600 Speaker 1: to me with your hair and your ears, Listen to 193 00:11:50,640 --> 00:11:53,440 Speaker 1: me with your fingernails. I think you had him done recently? 194 00:11:53,880 --> 00:11:54,240 Speaker 3: Yes? 195 00:11:55,000 --> 00:11:57,120 Speaker 1: Did you having nails done? 196 00:11:58,400 --> 00:11:58,600 Speaker 2: Yes? 197 00:11:59,600 --> 00:12:11,480 Speaker 1: Okay, we'll do it right after this break. Welcome back. 198 00:12:11,720 --> 00:12:15,880 Speaker 1: I am mean, I'm learing. This is the ur spot. Okay, 199 00:12:16,520 --> 00:12:20,480 Speaker 1: I want you to hear me. You didn't do anything wrong. 200 00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:26,559 Speaker 1: You didn't do anything wrong staying in this relationship, but 201 00:12:26,600 --> 00:12:32,080 Speaker 1: you did make a mistake. And it's okay, Okay, why 202 00:12:32,160 --> 00:12:33,800 Speaker 1: do you think I'm saying that to you. 203 00:12:34,480 --> 00:12:38,440 Speaker 3: I believe what you're saying to me is that I 204 00:12:38,480 --> 00:12:44,800 Speaker 3: didn't do anything wrong physically, mentally, emotionally in this relationship, 205 00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:49,200 Speaker 3: but I did do something wrong. I feel like I 206 00:12:49,240 --> 00:12:53,200 Speaker 3: did something wrong by staying and knowing that it was 207 00:12:53,240 --> 00:12:57,600 Speaker 3: wrong to stay when I should have been left. Not 208 00:12:58,360 --> 00:13:02,640 Speaker 3: calling you should telling you all to confirm what I 209 00:13:02,679 --> 00:13:07,760 Speaker 3: already felt. I should have took initiates way before this 210 00:13:08,200 --> 00:13:12,880 Speaker 3: and left the relationship. I should have been left. 211 00:13:13,600 --> 00:13:16,600 Speaker 1: Let me coach you a little bit here, Okay, not 212 00:13:16,720 --> 00:13:21,160 Speaker 1: that you should have or you did something wrong. The 213 00:13:21,360 --> 00:13:26,360 Speaker 1: mistake was not telling yourself the truth about what you 214 00:13:26,400 --> 00:13:31,760 Speaker 1: were seeing. That was a mistake, yes, okay, it wasn't wrong. 215 00:13:32,160 --> 00:13:35,600 Speaker 1: It was a mistake. You didn't tell yourself the truth 216 00:13:35,720 --> 00:13:40,440 Speaker 1: about what you were seeing. Another possible mistake that you 217 00:13:40,600 --> 00:13:47,720 Speaker 1: made was thinking it was going to change. Thinking That 218 00:13:47,840 --> 00:13:52,560 Speaker 1: was a mistake, yeah, yeah, and not wrong. It wasn't wrong, Beloved, 219 00:13:53,559 --> 00:13:57,120 Speaker 1: But it was a mistake not to tell yourself the 220 00:13:57,200 --> 00:14:03,920 Speaker 1: truth about what you were seeing and to allow yourself 221 00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:09,320 Speaker 1: to believe that what you were seeing was going to change. 222 00:14:09,520 --> 00:14:16,560 Speaker 1: It was a mistake, Beloved, to deny your intuition. There 223 00:14:16,600 --> 00:14:19,320 Speaker 1: were some things that as a woman, you could feel 224 00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:25,320 Speaker 1: in sense, and you denied that because you wanted it 225 00:14:25,360 --> 00:14:29,840 Speaker 1: to change, you wanted to believe. And that was a mistake, 226 00:14:30,600 --> 00:14:36,240 Speaker 1: not wrong, not wrong at all. And here's the big mistake. 227 00:14:36,720 --> 00:14:42,440 Speaker 1: Here's the big mistake, Accepting less than you wanted. That's 228 00:14:42,480 --> 00:14:48,840 Speaker 1: the mistake. Yeah, therefinitely wasn't wrong, But because you wanted 229 00:14:48,880 --> 00:14:52,760 Speaker 1: to be chosen, you wanted somebody to choose you as 230 00:14:52,760 --> 00:14:56,000 Speaker 1: the youngest who'd never been married. And here comes Boo 231 00:14:56,000 --> 00:14:59,160 Speaker 1: Boo to fool and he's choosing you. So you act 232 00:14:59,240 --> 00:15:08,480 Speaker 1: like he wasn't Boo boo the fool. And it's not 233 00:15:08,680 --> 00:15:12,720 Speaker 1: that you're breaking it off, it's not that you're leaving. 234 00:15:13,240 --> 00:15:19,160 Speaker 1: It's that you're choosing you. You are going to choose you. 235 00:15:20,200 --> 00:15:21,080 Speaker 3: Yeah. 236 00:15:20,520 --> 00:15:26,800 Speaker 1: Yeah, so you didn't do anything wrong, but you did 237 00:15:27,280 --> 00:15:33,880 Speaker 1: make some mistakes. Oops. I made some mistakes. Oops. Let 238 00:15:33,920 --> 00:15:37,960 Speaker 1: me forgive myself, write it down, make a note to 239 00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:41,680 Speaker 1: the file so that I don't never do that again. Oops. 240 00:15:41,920 --> 00:15:43,200 Speaker 1: Made a mistake. Oops. 241 00:15:45,120 --> 00:15:50,200 Speaker 3: Yes, yet is the true true? I really thank you 242 00:15:50,280 --> 00:15:53,320 Speaker 3: for this. I already knew that I had to do. 243 00:15:53,920 --> 00:16:00,240 Speaker 1: Oops. Oops, I made a mistake. I've been dating a 244 00:16:00,240 --> 00:16:03,320 Speaker 1: man for two and a half years who has not 245 00:16:03,560 --> 00:16:08,640 Speaker 1: introduced me to his children, and he wants to marry me. Oops. 246 00:16:09,880 --> 00:16:13,680 Speaker 1: I made a mistake. I dated a man for two 247 00:16:13,800 --> 00:16:18,600 Speaker 1: years who never asked to meet my children. Oops. I 248 00:16:18,760 --> 00:16:24,560 Speaker 1: made a mistake. I denied my intuition when it showed 249 00:16:24,600 --> 00:16:28,760 Speaker 1: me things and told me things about this person. Oops. 250 00:16:29,120 --> 00:16:33,040 Speaker 1: I made a mistake. When I prayed and asked for clarity, 251 00:16:33,560 --> 00:16:37,080 Speaker 1: got the clarity and then was disobedient. Oops, I made 252 00:16:37,080 --> 00:16:41,040 Speaker 1: a mistake when I didn't choose me when he called 253 00:16:41,280 --> 00:16:43,680 Speaker 1: and I went running to him to do the same 254 00:16:43,760 --> 00:16:47,560 Speaker 1: thing over and over, washed rents, repeat, Oops, I made 255 00:16:47,600 --> 00:16:53,360 Speaker 1: a mistake. Okay, I got it. Now I'm choosing me. Now, 256 00:16:53,640 --> 00:16:58,360 Speaker 1: I'm choosing me, So you don't if you choose you 257 00:16:59,320 --> 00:17:03,120 Speaker 1: when he called, choose you, And do you choose to 258 00:17:03,200 --> 00:17:05,960 Speaker 1: drive two and a half hours just go to spend 259 00:17:06,040 --> 00:17:09,399 Speaker 1: your money to go to a hotel to go shopping 260 00:17:09,440 --> 00:17:12,040 Speaker 1: in the mall? The hotel money you could use for 261 00:17:12,080 --> 00:17:14,240 Speaker 1: shopping in your hometown. Why you got to go to 262 00:17:14,280 --> 00:17:18,720 Speaker 1: another city to shop. I'm choosing me. I don't need 263 00:17:18,760 --> 00:17:21,240 Speaker 1: to go to another dinner. I don't need to stay 264 00:17:21,240 --> 00:17:24,640 Speaker 1: in another hotel. I don't need to spend any more money. 265 00:17:25,040 --> 00:17:28,440 Speaker 1: When I know what I've seen and what I've heard 266 00:17:28,600 --> 00:17:32,080 Speaker 1: and what I feel. I'm choosing me, and I'm choosing 267 00:17:32,160 --> 00:17:35,840 Speaker 1: to be happy. I'm choosing to be content. I'm choosing 268 00:17:35,920 --> 00:17:39,200 Speaker 1: to take care of myself. Oops, I made a mistake. 269 00:17:39,359 --> 00:17:40,520 Speaker 1: That's it simple. 270 00:17:41,359 --> 00:17:43,199 Speaker 3: Yes, I could definitely do that. 271 00:17:43,359 --> 00:17:45,480 Speaker 1: Okay, Okay, beloved. 272 00:17:45,480 --> 00:17:47,800 Speaker 3: Okay, well, thank you so much, and you have a 273 00:17:47,880 --> 00:17:49,800 Speaker 3: blessed day, and I appreciate it you. 274 00:17:49,800 --> 00:17:52,399 Speaker 1: Too, beloved. Alrighty bye bye? 275 00:17:52,800 --> 00:17:55,280 Speaker 3: Okay, then bye bye. 276 00:17:56,680 --> 00:18:02,800 Speaker 1: There's something now. People rarely consent when they love someone. 277 00:18:03,640 --> 00:18:08,160 Speaker 1: In fact, they may think that loving that person matters 278 00:18:08,200 --> 00:18:13,159 Speaker 1: more than loving themselves. And we want to demonstrate or 279 00:18:13,400 --> 00:18:18,919 Speaker 1: prove our love. Very often we will give them permission 280 00:18:19,200 --> 00:18:25,400 Speaker 1: family members, mothers, fathers, children's siblings. We will give them 281 00:18:25,480 --> 00:18:30,840 Speaker 1: permission to dishonor and disrespect us as a way we 282 00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:34,960 Speaker 1: show them we love them. That will never turn out 283 00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:39,880 Speaker 1: well for you, and that's exactly what my next caller 284 00:18:40,400 --> 00:18:47,480 Speaker 1: is experiencing. Good morning, and welcome to the art spot. Now, 285 00:18:47,520 --> 00:18:51,440 Speaker 1: what is your relationship challenge, issue, dilemma that we can 286 00:18:51,520 --> 00:18:52,520 Speaker 1: discuss today? 287 00:18:53,400 --> 00:18:58,760 Speaker 2: Good morning with Siana. I'm calling because I moved my 288 00:18:58,840 --> 00:19:01,800 Speaker 2: mom in about a year and a half ago to 289 00:19:01,880 --> 00:19:06,800 Speaker 2: kind of help her financially. Some backstory. She's very conflicted. 290 00:19:07,000 --> 00:19:09,159 Speaker 2: She's been in conflict with every member of our family. 291 00:19:09,920 --> 00:19:12,040 Speaker 2: We were strained for a while, but two years ago 292 00:19:12,080 --> 00:19:15,159 Speaker 2: I wanted to maintain communication after having my daughter, and 293 00:19:15,200 --> 00:19:17,520 Speaker 2: she would always complain about her job in New York 294 00:19:17,800 --> 00:19:20,119 Speaker 2: and not having the four one key in health. So 295 00:19:20,240 --> 00:19:23,679 Speaker 2: despite knowing her past, knowing our conflict, knowing that she 296 00:19:23,760 --> 00:19:26,240 Speaker 2: can get violent at times when I hold her accountable. 297 00:19:26,440 --> 00:19:28,239 Speaker 2: You know, my fiance and I still moved her in 298 00:19:28,359 --> 00:19:31,520 Speaker 2: to help her financially temporarily. We had a plan in place, 299 00:19:31,640 --> 00:19:34,280 Speaker 2: we spoke about it. But now we're a year and 300 00:19:34,320 --> 00:19:38,119 Speaker 2: a half in and she has not made any progress financially. 301 00:19:38,760 --> 00:19:42,400 Speaker 2: She's shopping. I've given up my daughter's room. I'm now 302 00:19:42,440 --> 00:19:46,200 Speaker 2: eight months pregnant. You know, We've done everything we could. 303 00:19:46,280 --> 00:19:49,840 Speaker 2: We asked for no money at all. We really wanted 304 00:19:49,840 --> 00:19:52,159 Speaker 2: to help her, but it's getting to a point now 305 00:19:52,200 --> 00:19:55,840 Speaker 2: where it's putting a strain on you know, my family 306 00:19:55,880 --> 00:19:58,200 Speaker 2: that we're trying to grow, and we've ignored a lot. 307 00:19:58,440 --> 00:20:02,040 Speaker 2: You know, we've given her a lot room to progress. 308 00:20:02,119 --> 00:20:04,960 Speaker 2: I got her a job at my job. But I'm 309 00:20:04,960 --> 00:20:08,720 Speaker 2: just struggling because I'm her only child. She's always put 310 00:20:08,760 --> 00:20:10,920 Speaker 2: that skills on me that you know, she I'm all 311 00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:14,119 Speaker 2: she has, and you know, I just I don't know 312 00:20:14,119 --> 00:20:16,520 Speaker 2: what to do as an older woman, Like I'm thirty 313 00:20:16,560 --> 00:20:18,880 Speaker 2: four years old, she's fifty six, and I think it's 314 00:20:18,960 --> 00:20:21,800 Speaker 2: time she just be a little bit more responsible for herself. 315 00:20:21,840 --> 00:20:23,520 Speaker 2: But I'm stuck because at the end of the day. 316 00:20:23,920 --> 00:20:25,840 Speaker 2: She is my mom and I am her only child. 317 00:20:26,160 --> 00:20:27,400 Speaker 2: So I just I don't know what to do. 318 00:20:27,680 --> 00:20:28,719 Speaker 1: Well, what do you want to do? 319 00:20:30,200 --> 00:20:32,679 Speaker 2: Like my gut is telling me that I tried to 320 00:20:32,720 --> 00:20:36,840 Speaker 2: help someone that wasn't even trying to help themselves, and 321 00:20:37,119 --> 00:20:39,679 Speaker 2: I think it's I feel like it's time that I 322 00:20:39,720 --> 00:20:41,600 Speaker 2: do what my dad did for me, you know, when 323 00:20:41,640 --> 00:20:44,880 Speaker 2: he finally said no when I was becoming an adult. 324 00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:47,840 Speaker 2: You know, that helped me get myself together. So I 325 00:20:47,920 --> 00:20:50,159 Speaker 2: want to say, you know, Mom, it's you know, thirty 326 00:20:50,200 --> 00:20:52,080 Speaker 2: sixty days, like it's time for you to find your 327 00:20:52,080 --> 00:20:55,000 Speaker 2: own place and you know, get on your own two feet. 328 00:20:55,200 --> 00:20:57,920 Speaker 2: It's just I'm afraid to because I just know how 329 00:20:57,920 --> 00:21:00,200 Speaker 2: she can blow up. I just know how, you know, 330 00:21:00,200 --> 00:21:02,240 Speaker 2: and I just don't want anyone to kind of be 331 00:21:02,280 --> 00:21:04,960 Speaker 2: alone in this world. But at some point, like she 332 00:21:05,080 --> 00:21:08,800 Speaker 2: has to be accountable for herself. So I'm just afraid too. 333 00:21:09,200 --> 00:21:13,119 Speaker 1: Do you think that your mother is capable of taking 334 00:21:13,119 --> 00:21:13,880 Speaker 1: care of herself. 335 00:21:14,320 --> 00:21:17,560 Speaker 2: I think she is. It's just that no one has 336 00:21:17,600 --> 00:21:21,200 Speaker 2: ever really held her to that standard, so she's never 337 00:21:21,240 --> 00:21:24,719 Speaker 2: really had to. She was supposed she was living in 338 00:21:24,720 --> 00:21:27,879 Speaker 2: New York with my grandmother, because of my mom's like 339 00:21:28,080 --> 00:21:30,320 Speaker 2: anger as she was in violent tendency, she moved out 340 00:21:30,359 --> 00:21:32,920 Speaker 2: of that house. So I think she is very capable 341 00:21:32,960 --> 00:21:35,640 Speaker 2: of getting on her own. She just needs to actually 342 00:21:35,680 --> 00:21:38,480 Speaker 2: do the work right and put herself in a better position. 343 00:21:38,960 --> 00:21:41,200 Speaker 1: Did I hear you say she can get violent? 344 00:21:42,720 --> 00:21:45,679 Speaker 2: Yeah, only with me. I didn't grow up with her. 345 00:21:45,840 --> 00:21:48,000 Speaker 2: I from five to sixteen, she moved to New York. 346 00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:50,919 Speaker 2: I was in Trinidad, and when I moved in with 347 00:21:50,960 --> 00:21:54,280 Speaker 2: her at sixteen, I was well equipped with like communication 348 00:21:54,600 --> 00:21:58,080 Speaker 2: and emotional maturity for my aunt. So I really tried 349 00:21:58,080 --> 00:22:01,600 Speaker 2: to have certain conversations with her, but that to her 350 00:22:01,760 --> 00:22:04,280 Speaker 2: is like the worst thing I can possibly do as 351 00:22:04,280 --> 00:22:07,080 Speaker 2: her child. So every time I try to speak with 352 00:22:07,119 --> 00:22:10,399 Speaker 2: her about getting herself together or getting help mentally, et cetera, 353 00:22:11,160 --> 00:22:14,280 Speaker 2: she really blows up. And that's why our communication has 354 00:22:14,320 --> 00:22:17,520 Speaker 2: been strained. When my first daughter was born four years ago, 355 00:22:17,760 --> 00:22:19,600 Speaker 2: they'll try to loop her in, they'll try to have 356 00:22:19,680 --> 00:22:23,040 Speaker 2: a relationship with her. And one conversation went left and 357 00:22:23,040 --> 00:22:25,240 Speaker 2: she just started punching the back of my car seat, 358 00:22:25,359 --> 00:22:28,240 Speaker 2: and I remember, like, I remember just thinking to myself, 359 00:22:28,280 --> 00:22:29,960 Speaker 2: I don't want my daughter to see what I saw 360 00:22:30,000 --> 00:22:32,359 Speaker 2: growing up her, fighting with all her siblings, fighting with 361 00:22:32,440 --> 00:22:34,920 Speaker 2: every friend she's ever had, fighting with her own mother 362 00:22:34,920 --> 00:22:37,240 Speaker 2: and my grandmother. It's like, I don't want my daughter 363 00:22:37,280 --> 00:22:39,119 Speaker 2: to see that. So because she lives in our home, 364 00:22:40,040 --> 00:22:42,560 Speaker 2: the first time she tried to like store at me 365 00:22:42,600 --> 00:22:44,800 Speaker 2: with her close fifth, when my fiance and my daughter 366 00:22:44,880 --> 00:22:48,960 Speaker 2: was out of the house, I shut down. I cut communication. 367 00:22:49,040 --> 00:22:50,639 Speaker 2: I don't really speak to her, even though she's in 368 00:22:50,640 --> 00:22:53,720 Speaker 2: my home. It's just the pleasantries of being a Caribbean child. 369 00:22:53,760 --> 00:22:56,160 Speaker 2: Good morning, you need anything from the store, good night, 370 00:22:56,320 --> 00:22:59,440 Speaker 2: and that's it. Because I'm afraid. I just don't want 371 00:22:59,440 --> 00:23:02,800 Speaker 2: my daughter to that. So here's that aspect of it too. 372 00:23:03,440 --> 00:23:07,639 Speaker 1: You've said this word afraid at least five times in 373 00:23:07,880 --> 00:23:11,040 Speaker 1: five minutes, so that's one time a minute. What is 374 00:23:11,080 --> 00:23:13,560 Speaker 1: the fear? What is the fear? You know? 375 00:23:13,760 --> 00:23:15,720 Speaker 2: Like I said, I didn't grow up with her. I 376 00:23:15,760 --> 00:23:18,399 Speaker 2: grew up with extended family or sometimes even strangers, just 377 00:23:18,440 --> 00:23:20,800 Speaker 2: for the sole purpose of me getting a good education 378 00:23:20,840 --> 00:23:23,000 Speaker 2: in Trinidad. So I know what it's like to be 379 00:23:23,080 --> 00:23:26,040 Speaker 2: without family. And I know that she's been somewhat of 380 00:23:26,080 --> 00:23:28,600 Speaker 2: an outcast. I mean, of course because of her own 381 00:23:28,880 --> 00:23:32,560 Speaker 2: actions as an adult, but it's like we have such 382 00:23:32,560 --> 00:23:35,520 Speaker 2: a small family. It's literally maybe about five or six 383 00:23:35,560 --> 00:23:37,000 Speaker 2: of us. You know, I just I don't want her 384 00:23:37,040 --> 00:23:39,000 Speaker 2: to be alone in this world. I don't want to 385 00:23:39,000 --> 00:23:40,760 Speaker 2: impose that on someone else when I know what that 386 00:23:40,800 --> 00:23:42,760 Speaker 2: feels like as a child. I want to be able 387 00:23:42,800 --> 00:23:44,439 Speaker 2: to live my life and give my daughters what I 388 00:23:44,440 --> 00:23:47,000 Speaker 2: didn't have. But does that have to come at the 389 00:23:47,040 --> 00:23:50,080 Speaker 2: cost of me abandoning my mother because it feels like 390 00:23:50,119 --> 00:23:50,920 Speaker 2: I'm abandoning her? 391 00:23:51,520 --> 00:23:54,840 Speaker 1: Are you aware that you did not answer the question 392 00:23:54,960 --> 00:24:03,960 Speaker 1: that I asked you? Are you aware of that? Oh? Yeah, 393 00:24:04,119 --> 00:24:09,240 Speaker 1: I asked you, what is the fear? I'm sorry, take 394 00:24:09,280 --> 00:24:15,000 Speaker 1: your time start with this. I'm afraid that I'm. 395 00:24:14,880 --> 00:24:18,920 Speaker 2: Afraid that she feels like I've given up on her, 396 00:24:19,280 --> 00:24:20,640 Speaker 2: and I'm just afraid to hurt her. 397 00:24:21,320 --> 00:24:22,480 Speaker 1: Have you given up on her? 398 00:24:23,359 --> 00:24:24,280 Speaker 2: Little Yeah? 399 00:24:24,359 --> 00:24:28,480 Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, So that's the truth. I've given up on 400 00:24:28,600 --> 00:24:32,040 Speaker 1: trying to help someone who doesn't seem to want to 401 00:24:32,080 --> 00:24:38,200 Speaker 1: help themselves, who's creating disruption in my home, someone that 402 00:24:38,200 --> 00:24:45,160 Speaker 1: that is potentially harmful to me, to my children. So yeah, 403 00:24:45,200 --> 00:24:48,520 Speaker 1: I've given up on her. Can you be okay with 404 00:24:48,640 --> 00:24:51,800 Speaker 1: the fact that you've given up on someone who doesn't 405 00:24:51,800 --> 00:24:55,760 Speaker 1: seem to be committed to supporting, helping, elevating themselves. Can 406 00:24:55,840 --> 00:24:58,480 Speaker 1: you be okay with that? Don't make it about your mother, 407 00:24:59,080 --> 00:25:02,360 Speaker 1: make it about another woman that you're trying to support. 408 00:25:03,480 --> 00:25:05,240 Speaker 2: It's funny because I've heard you say that on a 409 00:25:05,320 --> 00:25:08,040 Speaker 2: past podcast and that stuck with me. But I guess 410 00:25:08,040 --> 00:25:11,760 Speaker 2: because I had that mother void for coastal eleven years, 411 00:25:11,800 --> 00:25:14,440 Speaker 2: and my prime childhood is like you know, I still 412 00:25:14,480 --> 00:25:17,359 Speaker 2: want to see her as my mom versus separating the 413 00:25:17,400 --> 00:25:20,000 Speaker 2: mother from the woman, right. And it's crazy because I 414 00:25:20,000 --> 00:25:20,440 Speaker 2: think I'm not. 415 00:25:20,359 --> 00:25:23,520 Speaker 1: Here one second. I get that some of this is cultural. 416 00:25:24,000 --> 00:25:27,480 Speaker 1: I get that, but you're trying to give her what 417 00:25:27,680 --> 00:25:30,399 Speaker 1: she didn't give you. I heard you say that you 418 00:25:30,440 --> 00:25:32,720 Speaker 1: didn't grow up with her. You grew up with other 419 00:25:32,800 --> 00:25:39,960 Speaker 1: family members, sometimes strangers. So you're trying to give her 420 00:25:40,400 --> 00:25:42,560 Speaker 1: what she didn't give you. 421 00:25:42,600 --> 00:25:44,960 Speaker 2: Can you see that, Yes, ma'am, I could see that. 422 00:25:46,320 --> 00:25:47,920 Speaker 1: Did she ask you to give it to her? 423 00:25:48,320 --> 00:25:48,560 Speaker 3: No? 424 00:25:49,160 --> 00:25:50,400 Speaker 2: She never asked for my help. 425 00:25:50,760 --> 00:25:55,879 Speaker 1: But you, being the only child, that's her choice. She 426 00:25:56,080 --> 00:25:59,000 Speaker 1: chose to have a child that she didn't raise. That 427 00:25:59,119 --> 00:26:07,360 Speaker 1: was her choice. I think that you are attending a 428 00:26:07,400 --> 00:26:18,640 Speaker 1: cultural and emotional university. And that's called making shit up MSU. 429 00:26:21,640 --> 00:26:26,480 Speaker 1: Making s up. Okay, that's what you're that's what you're 430 00:26:26,520 --> 00:26:29,880 Speaker 1: doing right now. You're making up that because you're her 431 00:26:29,920 --> 00:26:33,520 Speaker 1: only child, you're responsible for her. You're making up that 432 00:26:33,880 --> 00:26:38,160 Speaker 1: if you don't take care of her, it won't get done. 433 00:26:38,280 --> 00:26:41,720 Speaker 1: You're making up that she has a problem being alone. 434 00:26:42,040 --> 00:26:46,520 Speaker 1: You're making shit up and sacrificing yourself and your children 435 00:26:46,560 --> 00:26:49,720 Speaker 1: in the process. Let me say that a little nicer, 436 00:26:50,200 --> 00:26:53,240 Speaker 1: let me not be rude, since we're talking about your mother. 437 00:26:53,640 --> 00:26:54,840 Speaker 1: You're making stuff up. 438 00:26:55,320 --> 00:26:57,679 Speaker 2: I created this story. 439 00:26:58,320 --> 00:27:04,679 Speaker 1: Yeah, and you. It's not you, the grown adult woman. 440 00:27:05,160 --> 00:27:07,879 Speaker 1: It's the little girl that didn't have a mommy. So 441 00:27:08,000 --> 00:27:12,560 Speaker 1: now you're you're parenting her and acting like you got 442 00:27:12,600 --> 00:27:16,120 Speaker 1: to put up with all manner of wahalla and conflomeration 443 00:27:17,000 --> 00:27:20,040 Speaker 1: to make her somehow love you. You want to love 444 00:27:20,080 --> 00:27:22,040 Speaker 1: her more than she showed she'd loved you. 445 00:27:24,400 --> 00:27:26,800 Speaker 2: I think I was just in some way she performs 446 00:27:26,800 --> 00:27:29,960 Speaker 2: seeking permission to just sit with her and my fiance 447 00:27:30,080 --> 00:27:31,280 Speaker 2: say it's time for her to leave. 448 00:27:31,560 --> 00:27:34,679 Speaker 1: That's been the hardest, Yeah, because it's not the grown 449 00:27:34,800 --> 00:27:39,280 Speaker 1: thirty four year old woman with a partner and a child. 450 00:27:39,440 --> 00:27:44,000 Speaker 1: Eight months pregnant. That's not who's sitting with her. It's 451 00:27:44,040 --> 00:27:47,160 Speaker 1: the six or seven year old who wanted her mommy. 452 00:27:47,680 --> 00:27:50,840 Speaker 1: So you're making up that she wants her daughter the 453 00:27:50,840 --> 00:27:54,879 Speaker 1: way you wanted your mommy. Yeah, so you've given up 454 00:27:54,920 --> 00:27:59,040 Speaker 1: on her, not because she's not worthwhile or worthy, not 455 00:27:59,119 --> 00:28:02,160 Speaker 1: because you don't love her and care about her. You've 456 00:28:02,160 --> 00:28:05,080 Speaker 1: given up on her because your efforts to support her 457 00:28:05,160 --> 00:28:08,560 Speaker 1: that weren't requested are not turning out the way you 458 00:28:08,680 --> 00:28:11,919 Speaker 1: wanted them to turn out. That she would flourish and 459 00:28:12,000 --> 00:28:15,000 Speaker 1: blossom and y'all would go get your nails and toes 460 00:28:15,080 --> 00:28:18,359 Speaker 1: done together, and she'd be a great grandma and blah 461 00:28:18,400 --> 00:28:21,080 Speaker 1: blah blah, whatever other crazy meant you made up. 462 00:28:23,280 --> 00:28:24,200 Speaker 3: You're absolutely right. 463 00:28:25,240 --> 00:28:29,080 Speaker 1: So what do we do now? We'll talk about that 464 00:28:29,560 --> 00:28:39,760 Speaker 1: right after this break. Welcome back to the R Spot. 465 00:28:39,920 --> 00:28:45,080 Speaker 1: Let's get back to the conversation. You know, sometime people 466 00:28:45,800 --> 00:28:50,560 Speaker 1: simply don't know how to manage themselves. And if they 467 00:28:50,640 --> 00:28:54,680 Speaker 1: don't know how to manage themselves, the only way they 468 00:28:54,720 --> 00:29:00,160 Speaker 1: will learn is to be confronted with their mismanagement. But 469 00:29:00,200 --> 00:29:02,880 Speaker 1: you can't get in her head and think for her. 470 00:29:03,320 --> 00:29:05,520 Speaker 1: Here's the bottom line. This is all you have to 471 00:29:05,520 --> 00:29:09,480 Speaker 1: worry about. You moved your mother into your home from 472 00:29:09,480 --> 00:29:12,840 Speaker 1: a place of loving care and concern. Is that accurate? 473 00:29:13,480 --> 00:29:14,800 Speaker 2: Yes, ma'am. 474 00:29:14,840 --> 00:29:17,760 Speaker 1: You had an agreement that she would be there for 475 00:29:17,880 --> 00:29:19,720 Speaker 1: how long? What was the agreement? 476 00:29:20,320 --> 00:29:21,000 Speaker 2: For one year? 477 00:29:21,520 --> 00:29:26,120 Speaker 1: For one year, and she didn't have to pay anything, 478 00:29:27,080 --> 00:29:31,640 Speaker 1: and within that one year, her agreement or her understanding, 479 00:29:31,720 --> 00:29:36,080 Speaker 1: your understanding, was that she would get herself together financially, 480 00:29:36,720 --> 00:29:39,520 Speaker 1: that she would pay down some debt, and that she 481 00:29:39,560 --> 00:29:44,760 Speaker 1: would be prepared to stand on her own. Is that accurate, yes, ma'am. 482 00:29:45,760 --> 00:29:48,000 Speaker 1: So here we are a year and a half later, 483 00:29:48,680 --> 00:29:51,520 Speaker 1: and she hasn't lived up to her end of the agreement. 484 00:29:52,520 --> 00:29:57,520 Speaker 1: Period doesn't matter if she's your mother, the mailman, a 485 00:29:57,560 --> 00:30:01,200 Speaker 1: stranger you picked up at the homeless shelter, it doesn't matter. 486 00:30:01,800 --> 00:30:05,560 Speaker 1: The agreement has been violated. So you get to either 487 00:30:05,640 --> 00:30:09,040 Speaker 1: renegotiate that agreement or bring it to an end. 488 00:30:10,840 --> 00:30:15,360 Speaker 2: The adulting me is a just I've been taken advantage of. 489 00:30:15,680 --> 00:30:18,920 Speaker 2: My daughter deserves better, and it's no. 490 00:30:19,000 --> 00:30:22,280 Speaker 1: That's not the adult. That's not the adult. That's the teenager. 491 00:30:22,840 --> 00:30:27,440 Speaker 1: That's the teenager, that's the fourteen, fifteen year old. She's 492 00:30:27,440 --> 00:30:30,800 Speaker 1: not my friend. Look how she's treating me. I'm not 493 00:30:31,000 --> 00:30:32,960 Speaker 1: you know, I'm doing everything for her and she's not 494 00:30:33,040 --> 00:30:36,040 Speaker 1: doing nothing for me. And that that that that's the teenager, 495 00:30:36,560 --> 00:30:39,240 Speaker 1: because the adult would say, get your stuff together or 496 00:30:39,240 --> 00:30:42,000 Speaker 1: get the hell out my house. Raise your hand to me, 497 00:30:42,120 --> 00:30:44,680 Speaker 1: and I'm gonna show you something new. That's what the 498 00:30:44,720 --> 00:30:50,440 Speaker 1: adult would say, because adults take responsibility for themselves, and 499 00:30:50,480 --> 00:30:55,080 Speaker 1: what you're dealing with is a belligerent teenager and expecting 500 00:30:55,120 --> 00:30:59,560 Speaker 1: her to act like an adult. So your teenager is 501 00:30:59,600 --> 00:31:03,840 Speaker 1: bumping up against her teenager. Only teenagers raise their hand 502 00:31:03,920 --> 00:31:06,360 Speaker 1: and pound on people in this playground when they don't 503 00:31:06,360 --> 00:31:10,680 Speaker 1: get their way, and only other teenagers run from other 504 00:31:10,760 --> 00:31:15,280 Speaker 1: teenagers when they do that. So we got to grow 505 00:31:15,320 --> 00:31:20,560 Speaker 1: you all the way up. This is not working, and 506 00:31:20,640 --> 00:31:23,400 Speaker 1: I am so aware you didn't ask me for any help. 507 00:31:24,040 --> 00:31:26,280 Speaker 1: I wanted to help you, but the help that I 508 00:31:26,320 --> 00:31:29,760 Speaker 1: wanted to give you obviously you don't want. This isn't working. 509 00:31:30,040 --> 00:31:32,240 Speaker 1: You got thirty days to be out of here, and 510 00:31:32,280 --> 00:31:34,640 Speaker 1: if you're not out in thirty and thirty one, I 511 00:31:34,680 --> 00:31:39,719 Speaker 1: will remove your property. Period. That's what an adult would do, 512 00:31:40,040 --> 00:31:43,280 Speaker 1: because it's not kind and loving to you or the 513 00:31:43,360 --> 00:31:48,120 Speaker 1: child that you're carrying, or to your other daughter to 514 00:31:48,160 --> 00:31:51,160 Speaker 1: see you're pregnant and you're stressed out with your mother, 515 00:31:51,280 --> 00:31:53,880 Speaker 1: What are you teaching the baby you're carrying? What is 516 00:31:53,920 --> 00:31:57,719 Speaker 1: that baby marinating in? So now when you at thirteen, 517 00:31:58,240 --> 00:32:01,280 Speaker 1: when that child is ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, and you're 518 00:32:01,320 --> 00:32:04,880 Speaker 1: having problems with that child, it'll come right back to this. 519 00:32:05,320 --> 00:32:09,280 Speaker 1: That child is marinating in discord between mother and daughter. 520 00:32:09,520 --> 00:32:12,320 Speaker 1: That's what your baby's marinating in. Can you see that? 521 00:32:13,480 --> 00:32:14,040 Speaker 3: Yes, ma'am. 522 00:32:15,560 --> 00:32:17,800 Speaker 1: I don't mean to be stern with you, but my 523 00:32:18,720 --> 00:32:24,120 Speaker 1: personal philosophy is secure the children first. That's my personal philosophy. 524 00:32:24,240 --> 00:32:28,560 Speaker 1: So when I see people doing crazy meant to cause 525 00:32:28,600 --> 00:32:33,200 Speaker 1: harm to the children, I'm coming for you. So forgive me. No. 526 00:32:33,720 --> 00:32:37,120 Speaker 2: I appreciate that. I really do appreciate that. I thought 527 00:32:37,200 --> 00:32:40,280 Speaker 2: I was trying to break some type of generational curse. 528 00:32:40,360 --> 00:32:42,960 Speaker 2: You know, she was having issues with her mom and 529 00:32:43,000 --> 00:32:45,880 Speaker 2: my grandmother. I've had these issues with her over these years. 530 00:32:46,080 --> 00:32:48,480 Speaker 2: You know, I just didn't want my daughters to see 531 00:32:48,480 --> 00:32:51,200 Speaker 2: that as a standard. But I'm realizing this is a 532 00:32:51,200 --> 00:32:54,240 Speaker 2: different situation. I'm creating this story, like you said, and 533 00:32:54,320 --> 00:32:56,120 Speaker 2: I really just need to see it for what it 534 00:32:56,160 --> 00:32:58,200 Speaker 2: is and stand up for myself and my family. 535 00:32:58,440 --> 00:33:02,280 Speaker 1: And not only did you mention afraid, I've got now 536 00:33:02,440 --> 00:33:08,480 Speaker 1: seven times you said don't want. You said don't want 537 00:33:08,600 --> 00:33:12,400 Speaker 1: thirteen times, So you keep affirming what you don't want. 538 00:33:12,480 --> 00:33:14,200 Speaker 1: I don't want her to be alone. I don't want 539 00:33:14,240 --> 00:33:16,440 Speaker 1: her to this. I don't want her to think I 540 00:33:16,480 --> 00:33:18,760 Speaker 1: don't want her. I don't want her. And that's what 541 00:33:18,800 --> 00:33:21,920 Speaker 1: you're creating. You're creating the very thing you don't want. 542 00:33:22,680 --> 00:33:25,320 Speaker 1: What if she sets you up. What if she has 543 00:33:25,360 --> 00:33:29,480 Speaker 1: a belief nobody wants me, I'm a problem, nobody's there 544 00:33:29,520 --> 00:33:32,080 Speaker 1: for me. What if that's her belief system. So what 545 00:33:32,160 --> 00:33:35,200 Speaker 1: she will do, if that's her belief system, is should 546 00:33:35,200 --> 00:33:40,160 Speaker 1: go around creating experiences and situations to prove that she's right, 547 00:33:40,960 --> 00:33:44,360 Speaker 1: because that's what she that's what she's making up. So 548 00:33:44,480 --> 00:33:46,800 Speaker 1: she's made that up in her mind. And now she 549 00:33:47,040 --> 00:33:50,560 Speaker 1: set you up to give her evidence to prove what 550 00:33:50,640 --> 00:33:55,280 Speaker 1: she believes is true. Nobody wants me, nobody's there for me, 551 00:33:55,520 --> 00:33:58,080 Speaker 1: I'm all alone in the world, blah blah blah blah blah, 552 00:33:58,120 --> 00:34:00,000 Speaker 1: and she just sets you up to prove it because 553 00:34:00,080 --> 00:34:02,040 Speaker 1: now you got to put her out because of her 554 00:34:02,680 --> 00:34:07,240 Speaker 1: derelic behavior, and some of it is cultural. I get that, 555 00:34:07,840 --> 00:34:08,799 Speaker 1: and I respect that. 556 00:34:10,320 --> 00:34:12,799 Speaker 2: My question to you is, you know, once I do that, 557 00:34:12,920 --> 00:34:15,960 Speaker 2: because our counselor is on board, my fiance is on board, 558 00:34:16,000 --> 00:34:19,239 Speaker 2: he supports me with that decision, how do I deal 559 00:34:19,239 --> 00:34:21,480 Speaker 2: with the relationship after that? Do I just give it 560 00:34:21,520 --> 00:34:23,960 Speaker 2: to God and just leave it alone? Or you know, 561 00:34:23,960 --> 00:34:25,080 Speaker 2: do I go to therapy? 562 00:34:26,400 --> 00:34:30,000 Speaker 1: Go to therapy. That's how you deal with got it? 563 00:34:30,160 --> 00:34:30,560 Speaker 2: Got it? 564 00:34:30,719 --> 00:34:34,240 Speaker 1: Go to therapy to figure out and grow that little 565 00:34:34,280 --> 00:34:38,000 Speaker 1: girl up that is still hurt and broken and wounded 566 00:34:38,040 --> 00:34:41,719 Speaker 1: that her mommy didn't want her. Because that's what you're 567 00:34:41,719 --> 00:34:48,480 Speaker 1: working with while raising Yeah, okay, go to the mirror 568 00:34:48,520 --> 00:34:53,960 Speaker 1: and pluck yourself in the head. Wake up. Here's another 569 00:34:54,000 --> 00:34:57,160 Speaker 1: thing that I want you to consider. By continuing to 570 00:34:57,320 --> 00:35:02,720 Speaker 1: engage her in this dysfunction, no behavior, you're holding her 571 00:35:02,760 --> 00:35:08,360 Speaker 1: to the limitations that she's placed on herself. You're treating 572 00:35:08,360 --> 00:35:11,120 Speaker 1: her as if she can't do better, and so you 573 00:35:11,200 --> 00:35:14,759 Speaker 1: have to rescue her. And as long as you rescue her, 574 00:35:15,120 --> 00:35:19,040 Speaker 1: she won't do better. She'll stay in the limitation. Does 575 00:35:19,080 --> 00:35:19,840 Speaker 1: that make sense? 576 00:35:20,600 --> 00:35:22,880 Speaker 2: It does? I see that cycle in her life. My 577 00:35:22,920 --> 00:35:25,600 Speaker 2: grandmother was that person before I was. I can see that. 578 00:35:25,960 --> 00:35:28,880 Speaker 1: Well, your mother is really powerful. She gets what she 579 00:35:29,000 --> 00:35:32,719 Speaker 1: wants and she sucks other people into it. And I'm 580 00:35:32,719 --> 00:35:36,400 Speaker 1: not talking bad about your mother. I'm looking at a 581 00:35:36,440 --> 00:35:39,759 Speaker 1: grown adult woman, a mother and a grandmother who's not 582 00:35:39,960 --> 00:35:44,520 Speaker 1: occupying her space, who's not occupying her space in her 583 00:35:44,600 --> 00:35:48,680 Speaker 1: life as a mother and a grandmother. And this is 584 00:35:48,719 --> 00:35:52,400 Speaker 1: how you behave Really, are you willing for her to 585 00:35:52,440 --> 00:35:58,080 Speaker 1: be angry with you? Yes, Okay, I give myself permission. 586 00:35:58,880 --> 00:36:02,319 Speaker 1: I give myself mission to allow my mother to be 587 00:36:02,440 --> 00:36:05,520 Speaker 1: upset with me. I want to hear you say. 588 00:36:05,320 --> 00:36:10,919 Speaker 2: That, I give my self permission to allow my mother 589 00:36:11,000 --> 00:36:11,800 Speaker 2: to be a setlisk. 590 00:36:12,400 --> 00:36:19,880 Speaker 1: Take a breath. I give myself permission to realize it 591 00:36:19,960 --> 00:36:23,439 Speaker 1: is not my responsibility to take care of my mother. 592 00:36:23,800 --> 00:36:27,160 Speaker 2: I give my self permission that is not my responsibility 593 00:36:27,200 --> 00:36:28,440 Speaker 2: to take care of my mother. 594 00:36:28,520 --> 00:36:31,640 Speaker 1: And not that as a as a child. You know, 595 00:36:31,719 --> 00:36:36,480 Speaker 1: because it's also cultural for us as Caribbeans, as Latin, 596 00:36:36,560 --> 00:36:39,920 Speaker 1: as people of color that we do care for our elderly. 597 00:36:40,400 --> 00:36:43,960 Speaker 1: And it would be different if she were sick or incapacitated. 598 00:36:45,080 --> 00:36:51,920 Speaker 1: But she's she's shopping. Hello, does she buy food once 599 00:36:51,920 --> 00:36:54,880 Speaker 1: in a while, you need to give you your self 600 00:36:54,920 --> 00:37:00,160 Speaker 1: permission to stop being an enabler. Yeah, because you're enabling 601 00:37:00,200 --> 00:37:06,640 Speaker 1: her to remain unaccountable and irresponsible in her own life. 602 00:37:06,840 --> 00:37:10,480 Speaker 1: Doesn't matter where she lives. If she's fifty something years 603 00:37:10,520 --> 00:37:13,080 Speaker 1: old and she's in debt, she doesn't have a place 604 00:37:13,120 --> 00:37:16,319 Speaker 1: to call her own. I know that probably means she's 605 00:37:16,400 --> 00:37:19,919 Speaker 1: not in any kind of relationship. She's disrespectful to her 606 00:37:19,960 --> 00:37:26,640 Speaker 1: mother what you're supporting her and being unaccountable and irresponsible. 607 00:37:27,280 --> 00:37:30,960 Speaker 1: I want to encourage you that you know, you get 608 00:37:31,080 --> 00:37:36,160 Speaker 1: really solid within yourself before you have the conversation. That 609 00:37:36,200 --> 00:37:38,520 Speaker 1: means you have to be okay with the possibility that 610 00:37:38,560 --> 00:37:40,800 Speaker 1: your mother may be in a shelter or on the street, 611 00:37:41,120 --> 00:37:44,479 Speaker 1: or in a single room occupancy hotel. That you get 612 00:37:44,680 --> 00:37:49,400 Speaker 1: real solid and comfortable, not comfortable, but aware of the 613 00:37:49,440 --> 00:37:52,080 Speaker 1: fact that she's going to be angry with you, that 614 00:37:52,120 --> 00:37:54,480 Speaker 1: your daughter won't see her. You may not see her, 615 00:37:54,560 --> 00:37:57,080 Speaker 1: she may not. You got to walk through all of 616 00:37:57,120 --> 00:38:01,240 Speaker 1: that in your mind before you have the conation, because 617 00:38:01,280 --> 00:38:04,920 Speaker 1: if you go into that conversation with your mom, if 618 00:38:04,960 --> 00:38:09,879 Speaker 1: you make the request of her to leave and you're 619 00:38:09,920 --> 00:38:13,800 Speaker 1: not solid, she's gonna eat you alive, you will be lunch. 620 00:38:17,200 --> 00:38:20,120 Speaker 1: So you go to your counselor, because that's much more 621 00:38:20,160 --> 00:38:22,279 Speaker 1: than we can do here in the time that we 622 00:38:22,320 --> 00:38:26,560 Speaker 1: have allotted. But you deal with the fear, and you 623 00:38:26,600 --> 00:38:30,359 Speaker 1: talk to your counselor about the little girl parenting her mother. 624 00:38:31,040 --> 00:38:34,000 Speaker 1: And like I said, don't do anything until you're ready, 625 00:38:34,080 --> 00:38:36,719 Speaker 1: because if you try to do this with her and 626 00:38:36,760 --> 00:38:40,359 Speaker 1: you're not solid in yourself, she's gonna eat you up 627 00:38:40,960 --> 00:38:45,279 Speaker 1: because that's the game she plays. Thank you, okay, tell 628 00:38:45,320 --> 00:38:47,239 Speaker 1: me something you know now that you didn't know when 629 00:38:47,239 --> 00:38:47,760 Speaker 1: you called. 630 00:38:50,440 --> 00:38:52,200 Speaker 2: That's's hard to say out loud, as hard as to 631 00:38:52,239 --> 00:38:54,239 Speaker 2: except I've been helping someone. 632 00:38:54,480 --> 00:38:55,480 Speaker 1: I want you to say it. 633 00:38:56,520 --> 00:38:59,400 Speaker 2: I've been helping say it again. I've been helping a 634 00:38:59,440 --> 00:39:03,040 Speaker 2: woman never asked me for help. Number one. Number two, 635 00:39:04,600 --> 00:39:08,440 Speaker 2: I've been operating out of a lesser version or a 636 00:39:08,480 --> 00:39:13,680 Speaker 2: younger version of myself versus a grown woman, a fiance, 637 00:39:13,880 --> 00:39:18,240 Speaker 2: a wife, and a mother. And I've been allowing someone 638 00:39:18,320 --> 00:39:24,759 Speaker 2: to violate their word, not honor, but not respect what 639 00:39:24,800 --> 00:39:26,040 Speaker 2: we've been trying to do for them. 640 00:39:26,880 --> 00:39:29,560 Speaker 1: No, that makes it about them. I want you to 641 00:39:29,640 --> 00:39:34,920 Speaker 1: keep this on. Got it that I have given someone 642 00:39:35,080 --> 00:39:43,799 Speaker 1: permission to violate their word with me to dishonor an 643 00:39:43,840 --> 00:39:48,239 Speaker 1: agreement they made with me. I've given someone permission to 644 00:39:48,320 --> 00:39:49,880 Speaker 1: dishonor and disrespect me. 645 00:39:51,080 --> 00:39:58,040 Speaker 2: Yeah, I've given someone permission to repeatedly, actually verbally physically 646 00:39:59,200 --> 00:40:02,360 Speaker 2: disrespect me and my household. And I'm not willing to 647 00:40:02,400 --> 00:40:02,640 Speaker 2: do that. 648 00:40:03,280 --> 00:40:08,200 Speaker 1: Yeah, there you go. I'm not choosing that anymore. Choice 649 00:40:08,200 --> 00:40:10,760 Speaker 1: is your power, Make the choice. 650 00:40:11,080 --> 00:40:13,880 Speaker 2: Make the choice. 651 00:40:12,000 --> 00:40:17,520 Speaker 1: So okay, my darling, let me know how you make out. 652 00:40:17,800 --> 00:40:25,600 Speaker 1: Happy baby, Thank you. We have as okay, all right bye. 653 00:40:27,320 --> 00:40:32,080 Speaker 1: And there's this whole concept of helping my family. I'm 654 00:40:32,120 --> 00:40:36,880 Speaker 1: helping my family. Sometimes a person hasn't asked for help, 655 00:40:37,160 --> 00:40:39,799 Speaker 1: and we jump in giving them what we think they 656 00:40:39,880 --> 00:40:43,840 Speaker 1: need to be helped. Here is a note to file. 657 00:40:44,520 --> 00:40:50,000 Speaker 1: Write it down. You cannot help someone who didn't ask 658 00:40:50,120 --> 00:40:55,200 Speaker 1: for help. You can't help somebody didn't ask for help 659 00:40:55,920 --> 00:40:59,560 Speaker 1: because the thing you think they need may not be 660 00:41:00,280 --> 00:41:02,520 Speaker 1: what they see that they need, think they need, feel 661 00:41:02,560 --> 00:41:05,200 Speaker 1: that they need, and you trying to help them get 662 00:41:05,239 --> 00:41:08,960 Speaker 1: that thing will always blow up in your face. But 663 00:41:09,120 --> 00:41:14,320 Speaker 1: here's the big part. It does not help anybody. When 664 00:41:14,400 --> 00:41:25,280 Speaker 1: you dishonor disrespect yourself, that's not helping somebody to diminish, demean, 665 00:41:25,480 --> 00:41:30,960 Speaker 1: dishonor disrespect yourself to lift somebody else up. There's an 666 00:41:30,960 --> 00:41:36,520 Speaker 1: old African proverb that says this, be careful who you lift, 667 00:41:37,360 --> 00:41:43,759 Speaker 1: because it puts you on the bottom. And if you 668 00:41:43,880 --> 00:41:46,520 Speaker 1: lift in too much weight the way is somebody that 669 00:41:46,600 --> 00:41:48,800 Speaker 1: didn't ask for your help, don't want to be helped, 670 00:41:49,160 --> 00:41:52,640 Speaker 1: You're gonna get crushed. I hope this has been helpful 671 00:41:52,680 --> 00:41:55,640 Speaker 1: to someone, and if you have a question about this 672 00:41:55,840 --> 00:41:59,680 Speaker 1: or any other relationship issue, you can call me live 673 00:42:00,040 --> 00:42:04,120 Speaker 1: at seven seven five three zero seven seven seven six eight. 674 00:42:04,360 --> 00:42:06,920 Speaker 1: Now be sure to follow me on social media for 675 00:42:07,160 --> 00:42:10,680 Speaker 1: all of the calling times, and until then, stay in 676 00:42:10,760 --> 00:42:19,720 Speaker 1: peace and not pieces. The R Spot is a production 677 00:42:20,040 --> 00:42:25,480 Speaker 1: of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts 678 00:42:25,480 --> 00:42:30,640 Speaker 1: from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or 679 00:42:30,680 --> 00:42:33,280 Speaker 1: wherever you listen to your favorite shows.