WEBVTT - Would You Date You? 0:00:01.800 --> 0:00:04.760 I am a Yamla, your host for this journey. I 0:00:05.080 --> 0:00:09.600 was a hopeless loveaholic but just could not get my 0:00:09.720 --> 0:00:14.160 love to work. Then, after a series of heartbreaks and 0:00:14.360 --> 0:00:19.040 deep heartache, I finally got clear about what love is 0:00:19.160 --> 0:00:22.440 and what it is not. I want to share some 0:00:22.560 --> 0:00:27.800 of what I've learned about lover holism. Welcome to the 0:00:27.920 --> 0:00:47.000 R Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. Greetings, 0:00:47.040 --> 0:00:50.240 and welcome to the our Spot, the place we come 0:00:50.320 --> 0:00:55.400 to talk about relationships, all kinds of relationships, the good, 0:00:55.480 --> 0:00:59.520 the not so good, the fun and the difficult, whether 0:00:59.560 --> 0:01:04.240 it's a real relationship with your lover, your spouse, your friend, 0:01:04.600 --> 0:01:10.520 your mom, or yourself. Today we're taking a different look 0:01:10.920 --> 0:01:14.640 at your relationship with yourself because we know that your 0:01:14.680 --> 0:01:20.720 relationship with yourself is the foundation for all other relationships. 0:01:20.760 --> 0:01:23.840 And the question on the floor today is would you 0:01:24.680 --> 0:01:29.400 date you? Would you date you? I mean, are you 0:01:29.480 --> 0:01:31.760 the kind of person that you would want to be with? 0:01:31.959 --> 0:01:35.520 And if so, why and if not why not? And 0:01:35.600 --> 0:01:38.640 I guess you can look at the last few dates 0:01:38.680 --> 0:01:42.040 that you've had, or the last few relationships that you've had, 0:01:42.480 --> 0:01:45.600 and look at how it worked out. And how you 0:01:45.720 --> 0:01:49.200 behaved and what made it healthy, what made it fun, 0:01:49.520 --> 0:01:55.160 and what tanked it. You know, because your relationship with 0:01:55.240 --> 0:02:00.360 yourself is so critical, is so important, and that is 0:02:00.480 --> 0:02:04.560 the let me say, the training ground for how you 0:02:04.840 --> 0:02:09.280 teach other people how to treat you. It helps you 0:02:09.360 --> 0:02:12.320 see how you treat other people, how you treat yourself 0:02:12.360 --> 0:02:16.000 in the company of other people. And so very often 0:02:16.080 --> 0:02:19.640 we want someone to come into our lives and bring 0:02:19.720 --> 0:02:22.560 us something we think we don't have. But if you 0:02:22.720 --> 0:02:26.520 don't have it, chances are you really won't even be 0:02:26.520 --> 0:02:29.440 able to recognize it when you get it. Or maybe 0:02:29.480 --> 0:02:32.480 you want it for the war on reasons. Maybe you're 0:02:32.800 --> 0:02:35.360 looking for someone to do for you or do to 0:02:35.560 --> 0:02:39.359 you what you need to do for and to yourself. 0:02:39.480 --> 0:02:43.919 Would you date you? I had to really think about that, 0:02:44.520 --> 0:02:47.960 and I would say right now, I wouldn't date me 0:02:48.440 --> 0:02:52.520 because I got too much going on. I'm too busy, 0:02:52.919 --> 0:02:56.679 I don't have time. I have to remember to take 0:02:56.720 --> 0:02:59.320 care of myself. I have to remember to carve time 0:02:59.320 --> 0:03:02.800 out for myself, and I'm doing that pretty well. But 0:03:02.919 --> 0:03:05.760 I tell you, I don't have room and space for 0:03:05.840 --> 0:03:08.720 anybody else right now. I don't have room in space 0:03:08.760 --> 0:03:11.239 to talk to you. I don't care about your problems. 0:03:11.560 --> 0:03:14.120 I don't care what it is that you're going through. 0:03:14.680 --> 0:03:19.600 So I've just kind of extracted myself from the dating field, 0:03:19.720 --> 0:03:23.000 from the dating pool, because right now I would not 0:03:23.240 --> 0:03:29.000 date me. I don't have the wherewithal to give the 0:03:29.040 --> 0:03:33.440 time and attention and energy to a relationship with another person. 0:03:34.200 --> 0:03:40.480 And until I become more solid, more fluid, more how 0:03:40.520 --> 0:03:45.360 can I say more attentive to me, It's not fair 0:03:45.400 --> 0:03:48.840 to bring anybody else into my life right now. So 0:03:49.280 --> 0:03:53.360 that's just my take on it. I'm not dating material 0:03:53.480 --> 0:03:56.280 right now. I will be, and let me say this, 0:03:57.200 --> 0:04:01.440 it is by choice. I am making the choice to 0:04:01.600 --> 0:04:05.760 extract myself from the dating field knowing everything that I 0:04:05.800 --> 0:04:08.440 have going on in my life, and those things are 0:04:08.520 --> 0:04:12.160 my priorities right now. So I'm not going to try 0:04:12.160 --> 0:04:15.560 to squeeze anybody in and ask them to align themselves 0:04:15.600 --> 0:04:19.280 with my schedule and what I'm doing, because that's just 0:04:19.320 --> 0:04:23.080 not fair and it's not kind, it's not loving, and 0:04:23.880 --> 0:04:26.479 I don't want my hair on fire trying to catch 0:04:26.560 --> 0:04:31.279 up with somebody else. So that's me, okay, and I'm 0:04:31.279 --> 0:04:35.240 being perfectly honest about it. That's just where I am 0:04:35.360 --> 0:04:38.760 right now, and it's okay to be there. And when 0:04:38.760 --> 0:04:42.200 I get ready to shift and change, then I'll shift 0:04:42.240 --> 0:04:45.640 and change. But until then, I am not a good 0:04:45.760 --> 0:04:51.760 dating prospect. But I've got some callers who say that 0:04:51.800 --> 0:04:55.839 they are. So the question on the floor is would 0:04:55.839 --> 0:04:58.839 you date you? Think about that and let me know. 0:04:59.480 --> 0:05:06.520 Here's my caller. Greetings, we love it, and welcome to 0:05:06.680 --> 0:05:10.360 the art spot. We're taking a twist today on your 0:05:10.400 --> 0:05:13.920 relationship with yourself, and the question on the floor is 0:05:14.279 --> 0:05:17.560 would you date you? Hi? 0:05:18.720 --> 0:05:21.800 I would, mister Yanner. I would be outside of my 0:05:21.880 --> 0:05:27.360 house with a boombox and playing romantic music and I 0:05:27.400 --> 0:05:29.880 would run across my own arms into the beach if 0:05:29.920 --> 0:05:30.240 I could. 0:05:32.360 --> 0:05:36.680 Yeah. Okay, So you're having a good You're having a good, 0:05:36.720 --> 0:05:38.760 healthy relationship with yourself, I think. 0:05:38.800 --> 0:05:43.479 So. I'm I'm really I work with kids, so I 0:05:43.520 --> 0:05:46.520 kind of have the training to just be gentle, and 0:05:46.560 --> 0:05:49.160 I'm really good about being diferent with myself and being 0:05:49.200 --> 0:05:53.200 patient with myself and being understanding. And I cry a lot, 0:05:53.400 --> 0:05:56.160 so I've had to kind of come to terms that 0:05:56.200 --> 0:06:00.080 I have to let myself cry and you know, all 0:06:00.080 --> 0:06:02.039 of that good stuff. So I'm really I have a 0:06:02.080 --> 0:06:06.400 really wonderful relationship with myself. I love me, I'm okay 0:06:06.400 --> 0:06:08.920 to me. I'm the blueprint, I'm the ape girl, I'm 0:06:08.920 --> 0:06:09.640 my dream girl. 0:06:10.920 --> 0:06:16.920 Right so what would make you fun to date or 0:06:17.000 --> 0:06:19.080 what would make you good to date? Let me ask 0:06:19.120 --> 0:06:21.000 this question. Are you dating right now? 0:06:21.040 --> 0:06:23.839 I am fresh out of a relationship. 0:06:25.880 --> 0:06:31.560 Oh yum yum. Oh. Do tell what happened. 0:06:32.680 --> 0:06:36.080 We were together for six years. We were best friends. 0:06:36.120 --> 0:06:41.120 I wanted the love of my life and he. 0:06:41.480 --> 0:06:42.080 Told me. 0:06:43.520 --> 0:06:45.880 A few years ago we broke up with me. So 0:06:45.880 --> 0:06:48.000 it was a very on and off agaven relationship for 0:06:48.000 --> 0:06:51.800 a long time, maybe four of those six years. And 0:06:51.920 --> 0:06:57.080 he told me maybe three years ago that I wasn't 0:06:57.960 --> 0:07:03.200 the one and I'm devastatus. And I didn't he said that, 0:07:03.240 --> 0:07:05.320 and I said okay, and I packed up you know, 0:07:05.480 --> 0:07:08.400 my stuff, and I left. I didn't call, I didn't text. 0:07:08.520 --> 0:07:11.120 You only have to tell me one time that I'm 0:07:11.160 --> 0:07:17.160 not it. And months go by, four months go by, 0:07:17.560 --> 0:07:20.160 and he texted me, He's like, I miss you, and 0:07:20.240 --> 0:07:22.040 you know, I'm like, I miss you too, And so 0:07:22.280 --> 0:07:25.040 right back to and you know, going back and forth. 0:07:25.160 --> 0:07:29.080 And I stayed a lot longer than I should have, 0:07:32.200 --> 0:07:37.160 and recently in January. It was a lot, and it 0:07:37.200 --> 0:07:40.840 took a lot, but I moved from Atlanta where we were, 0:07:40.920 --> 0:07:44.800 to Houston. I just I was, I don't know, like 0:07:44.880 --> 0:07:47.680 someone being unsure about me was really starting to take 0:07:47.680 --> 0:07:51.280 a toll on me and going back to someone who 0:07:51.840 --> 0:07:56.040 told me that I wasn't. It was a lot and 0:07:56.080 --> 0:08:01.040 I was really embarrassed. I'm embarrassed now, I finally, Oh, 0:08:01.120 --> 0:08:05.200 don't be embarrassed. I feel like the embarrassment comes from, 0:08:05.320 --> 0:08:09.600 how do you love someone so much who doesn't feel 0:08:09.600 --> 0:08:13.360 like that about you? Like that sucks, that's a terrible feeling. 0:08:13.560 --> 0:08:16.160 Yeah, take a wait a minute, take take a breath. 0:08:16.200 --> 0:08:24.600 Take a breath, Take a brauh, take a breath. How 0:08:24.640 --> 0:08:30.840 do you love someone so much who doesn't love you 0:08:31.000 --> 0:08:33.520 the same way? What did you love? 0:08:34.840 --> 0:08:35.040 Oh? 0:08:35.120 --> 0:08:35.600 Everything? 0:08:35.600 --> 0:08:37.280 We were best friends. 0:08:37.360 --> 0:08:40.479 He made me laugh, he was funny, he was interesting, 0:08:40.679 --> 0:08:43.280 he cooked me dinner, He was really romantic. He was 0:08:43.400 --> 0:08:48.800 really like all my boxes he checked off everything, everything, 0:08:50.040 --> 0:08:51.280 And so no. 0:08:51.559 --> 0:08:55.160 He did not, he did not check off everything because 0:08:55.240 --> 0:08:59.320 your your love for him wasn't reciprocated. So is that 0:08:59.360 --> 0:09:00.760 what you wanted someone. 0:09:02.040 --> 0:09:07.480 That came later? Like that's that is really new? That 0:09:07.520 --> 0:09:12.880 came later. You know, in the beginning, right, first three years, 0:09:13.320 --> 0:09:18.440 I was I was so certain someone I would bet 0:09:18.520 --> 0:09:20.840 the lottery that we were going to get married and 0:09:20.840 --> 0:09:24.080 be together. I was so certain. So to find out 0:09:24.640 --> 0:09:28.120 later they're all the you know, breaking up and getting 0:09:28.160 --> 0:09:31.160 back together and all that stuff, that that's not how 0:09:31.200 --> 0:09:36.440 he felt. That was That was devastatingly embarrassing. How did 0:09:36.440 --> 0:09:40.640 I get here? Right there? There are sides someone isn't 0:09:40.840 --> 0:09:42.240 in love with you or doesn't want to be with 0:09:42.280 --> 0:09:46.600 you their side, and maybe I'm just like delusional. I 0:09:46.640 --> 0:09:48.960 didn't catch any of that, but it caught me on guard. 0:09:52.120 --> 0:09:54.600 Well did he say why? Did he say? Why you 0:09:54.679 --> 0:09:57.360 weren't the one? Well, you know what, it doesn't matter. 0:09:57.800 --> 0:09:59.440 Forget that, it doesn't even matter. 0:10:00.679 --> 0:10:04.840 And it took me a long time to leave. I 0:10:04.880 --> 0:10:07.000 stayed a lot longer than I should have, just because 0:10:07.040 --> 0:10:10.360 of all the things, right, all the emotional connection that 0:10:10.400 --> 0:10:13.559 we had and sex was amazing and all that stuff. 0:10:13.600 --> 0:10:15.559 I stayed a lot longer than I should have. And 0:10:15.760 --> 0:10:20.240 finally I left in January. And leaving is hard, but 0:10:20.440 --> 0:10:23.400 staying gone is ten times harder. 0:10:25.280 --> 0:10:26.800 But yeah, gone. 0:10:27.080 --> 0:10:29.160 I don't want someone to settle for me. I don't 0:10:29.160 --> 0:10:30.960 deserve that. Like I said, I am the love of 0:10:30.960 --> 0:10:34.480 my life. I someone should be outside with a boombox, 0:10:34.600 --> 0:10:40.079 like play me music and buy me flowers. And so 0:10:40.800 --> 0:10:45.400 I had to love myself enough, which is also people 0:10:45.440 --> 0:10:47.960 make it sound so easy. It's hard and it's lonely 0:10:48.120 --> 0:10:52.760 to love yourself. And I left. 0:10:52.480 --> 0:10:56.079 I don't think it's lonely. I don't think it's lonely. 0:10:56.480 --> 0:11:00.600 I mean, if you're loving yourself and you're occupied yourself. 0:11:01.400 --> 0:11:03.560 I want to say two things to you. Number one, 0:11:04.360 --> 0:11:07.200 First of all, thank you for sharing, because I do 0:11:07.360 --> 0:11:10.720 hear that it's fresh. And when I asked the question 0:11:11.240 --> 0:11:14.760 would you date you? My answer for you would be 0:11:14.840 --> 0:11:27.760 not right now? Not right now, okay, because you don't 0:11:27.800 --> 0:11:30.040 want to be weeping on your new date shoulder. 0:11:30.200 --> 0:11:34.040 Okay, you know, taking a year off. I just need 0:11:34.559 --> 0:11:38.640 my heart and my brain and my soul to just reset. 0:11:40.240 --> 0:11:42.120 So where are you with him right now? 0:11:42.440 --> 0:11:45.480 He text me on Monday, and I was so excited 0:11:45.480 --> 0:11:48.680 that he text me, and then I don't know, like 0:11:48.760 --> 0:11:54.080 the sparkle was gone, right, there's something about I did, 0:11:54.240 --> 0:11:59.120 I responded, it's so it's I don't know how to 0:11:59.200 --> 0:12:03.160 describe it. Tried to like argue with him, and it 0:12:03.280 --> 0:12:06.120 just didn't It wasn't the same. The sparkle was gone, 0:12:06.320 --> 0:12:10.439 the passion was gone. The maybe it's just I took 0:12:10.480 --> 0:12:12.560 him off the pedal stool and I saw him for 0:12:12.640 --> 0:12:15.480 who like for, you know, and I just didn't say 0:12:15.480 --> 0:12:19.240 anything back, and I don't plan to. I'm ready to 0:12:19.280 --> 0:12:21.800 move on. I'm I'm over it. I've cried a lot. 0:12:22.120 --> 0:12:27.360 I'm oh God, I I cry everything. So I cry 0:12:27.400 --> 0:12:30.680 a lot, and I've cried a lot over the past 0:12:31.800 --> 0:12:32.800 three years. 0:12:33.000 --> 0:12:35.800 What did you cry about? Tell me what you cried about. 0:12:36.360 --> 0:12:41.000 He started doing this thing where we would everything is fine, 0:12:41.280 --> 0:12:47.000 we're fine, we're great, and then he would get upset 0:12:47.040 --> 0:12:50.960 with me or hurt or his you know, irritated, and 0:12:51.000 --> 0:12:52.280 he would say to me, well, I don't want to 0:12:52.320 --> 0:12:58.360 be with you anyway, and I would. The first few 0:12:58.360 --> 0:13:03.520 times he did that, I didn't know how to take it, 0:13:04.000 --> 0:13:06.679 and so we would argue about it. There's nothing to 0:13:06.760 --> 0:13:08.520 argue about. Someone tells you didn't want to be with you. 0:13:08.559 --> 0:13:12.760 But we would argue about it and eventually stopped talking, 0:13:12.920 --> 0:13:15.800 and you know, he would I, I'm sorry, I said that. 0:13:15.920 --> 0:13:19.079 I didn't mean it to get back together. And then 0:13:19.679 --> 0:13:21.320 a lot of the tears came from in those in 0:13:21.400 --> 0:13:25.000 between moments, waiting for him to text me, knowing if 0:13:25.080 --> 0:13:27.080 you know what was going to happen next. I didn't 0:13:27.080 --> 0:13:29.760 know what was going to happen next. I mean I knew, 0:13:29.800 --> 0:13:32.480 but in the moment, my anxiety was like, oh my god, 0:13:32.480 --> 0:13:33.959 you don't know, you don't know, you don't know, he's 0:13:34.000 --> 0:13:36.360 never gonna text you again. And then, of course, and 0:13:36.400 --> 0:13:39.160 then we would get back together, and I cried a 0:13:39.160 --> 0:13:45.120 lot because my brain, my soul knew that that's not 0:13:45.240 --> 0:13:49.959 what I wanted, That's not how I wanted to be treated. 0:13:50.320 --> 0:13:52.600 He'd never treated me like that before. So I don't 0:13:52.600 --> 0:13:57.000 know what happened with him, but I cried a lot 0:13:57.040 --> 0:14:00.000 about what I deserved and what I saw I deserved. 0:14:00.760 --> 0:14:03.520 And then you would call me, if you would text me, 0:14:03.559 --> 0:14:05.719 and I would perk right back up and take him 0:14:05.760 --> 0:14:09.280 right back. And so it was a lot of back 0:14:09.320 --> 0:14:12.679 and forth, which leads me to believe, like, you're unsure 0:14:12.720 --> 0:14:15.280 about me. And then I started crying about that that 0:14:15.520 --> 0:14:18.560 I was so in love with someone who was unsure 0:14:18.600 --> 0:14:23.520 about me. I'm so tired of crying. I'm surprised that 0:14:23.800 --> 0:14:25.960 crying is not the issue that. 0:14:28.080 --> 0:14:31.600 You know this dating, six years of dating brings to 0:14:31.680 --> 0:14:34.800 the surface what it brings to the surface. And I 0:14:34.840 --> 0:14:39.520 say that because you kept going back, is an unconscious belief. 0:14:41.520 --> 0:14:46.280 He's showing you an unconscious belief that you may have. 0:14:46.440 --> 0:14:49.840 It could be I'm unlovable, or I can't have what 0:14:49.960 --> 0:14:52.800 I want, or this is too good to be true. 0:14:52.840 --> 0:14:57.400 That's a good one. This is too good to be true, 0:14:57.600 --> 0:15:00.160 And so you're going to keep trying to prove to 0:15:00.200 --> 0:15:04.800 yourself it's too good to be true. You know, he's wonderful, 0:15:04.840 --> 0:15:07.600 we get along, we have fun, but he doesn't want me. 0:15:08.600 --> 0:15:13.880 So that's an unconscious belief that keeps coming up. And 0:15:13.920 --> 0:15:18.920 it's up so that you can heal it. And I 0:15:18.920 --> 0:15:22.800 would ask you, who's crying? Are you the grown adult 0:15:22.840 --> 0:15:26.640 woman crying or is there a little person in there 0:15:27.000 --> 0:15:29.560 a part of your consciousness. I don't know if daddy left, 0:15:29.600 --> 0:15:33.880 mommy left, somebody died, maybe between the ages of six 0:15:33.880 --> 0:15:37.560 and nine, that this thing keeps showing up. 0:15:37.960 --> 0:15:42.360 Dad, my dad didn't die, but my dog was. My 0:15:42.440 --> 0:15:43.480 dad was in and out of jail. 0:15:45.640 --> 0:15:50.320 Okay, there you go, hold it right there, there, it is, 0:15:50.560 --> 0:15:55.080 that's it, right there. Stay tuned. We'll be right back, 0:16:00.480 --> 0:16:06.400 welcome back to the R spot. How many tapes or 0:16:06.960 --> 0:16:10.440 recordings of that play in your mind? I can't trust that. 0:16:10.440 --> 0:16:11.800 I don't know if he's going to stay. I don't 0:16:11.800 --> 0:16:13.480 know if he's going to be here. It could be 0:16:13.520 --> 0:16:16.800 any number from zero to infinity. How many tapes of 0:16:16.840 --> 0:16:17.520 that do you have? 0:16:18.480 --> 0:16:22.520 This is complicated. My mom and my dad were together, 0:16:22.520 --> 0:16:28.080 they're married, and when I was five, my mom moved 0:16:28.200 --> 0:16:33.600 from Ohio where she was, to Hawaii and she took 0:16:33.640 --> 0:16:34.280 me and myself. 0:16:34.240 --> 0:16:38.560 So you moved, So you moved from Atlanta to Houston, 0:16:38.720 --> 0:16:43.800 repeating mommy's pattern. Go ahead, So my. 0:16:43.800 --> 0:16:46.240 Mom moved to Hawaii. She took me and my sisters, 0:16:46.240 --> 0:16:48.040 and she just always said she just wanted to get 0:16:48.120 --> 0:16:50.880 as far away from my dad as possible. From what 0:16:50.920 --> 0:16:54.000 I understand from the child, you know, being the child, 0:16:54.120 --> 0:16:56.440 is that he was abusive. I don't you know, I 0:16:56.440 --> 0:16:59.360 don't remember seeing any of that, hearing it, but that 0:16:59.440 --> 0:17:01.920 was hers were old enough that he was abusive, and 0:17:01.960 --> 0:17:04.080 she just he was in an out of jail. And 0:17:04.119 --> 0:17:07.480 so when we lived in Hawaii, I do vividly remember 0:17:07.560 --> 0:17:09.200 him being in and out of jail, and he would 0:17:09.240 --> 0:17:16.640 call sometimes and as we got older. If he wasn't 0:17:16.680 --> 0:17:21.680 in jail, we would call and he would say, I'll 0:17:21.720 --> 0:17:24.880 call you back, and we'd say okay, and he'd never 0:17:24.920 --> 0:17:28.880 call back. And so I remember telegram. 0:17:28.920 --> 0:17:31.920 So wait a minute, hold right there, hole, right there? 0:17:32.640 --> 0:17:34.560 Is he gonna text? Is he gonna call? Is he 0:17:34.600 --> 0:17:37.359 gonna text? Is it gonna call? Do you see the 0:17:37.359 --> 0:17:45.520 pattern from daddy to mister wonderful, I'll call it, mister wonderful. 0:17:46.280 --> 0:17:53.439 Do you see the pattern? So you've just recreated your 0:17:53.520 --> 0:17:58.399 dad and that relationship. So that requires a change of heart. 0:18:00.000 --> 0:18:04.399 My heart was broken a long time ago, and you 0:18:04.560 --> 0:18:09.280 just keep digging into that break. So let's say from 0:18:10.000 --> 0:18:14.760 five when you move to Hawaii to now, let's say 0:18:14.880 --> 0:18:20.120 there are five million tapes of is he gonna call? 0:18:20.280 --> 0:18:21.960 Is he not gonna call? Is he gonna call? Is 0:18:21.960 --> 0:18:25.120 he not gonna call? Let's you know he's not gonna call. 0:18:25.160 --> 0:18:34.080 He doesn't want me. I'm not the one. Take a breath, 0:18:36.040 --> 0:18:40.919 Take a breath. Come on, So does five million tapes 0:18:40.920 --> 0:18:42.720 off he doesn't want me? Sound about right? 0:18:42.880 --> 0:18:45.280 Is it more or less? 0:18:47.160 --> 0:18:51.119 Okay? So let's let's say ten million a good number. 0:18:52.280 --> 0:18:57.400 So that's ten million heartbreaks. That's ten million tiers. That's 0:18:57.440 --> 0:19:00.400 ten million everything. If you could let that go, when 0:19:00.720 --> 0:19:06.000 would you let it go today? Okay, you would let 0:19:06.080 --> 0:19:08.399 it go right now today. So I want you to 0:19:08.440 --> 0:19:10.280 do this. I want you to kind of settle into 0:19:10.320 --> 0:19:17.679 where you are. I want you to take a deep breath. 0:19:17.680 --> 0:19:22.920 In hold that breath, turn your head to your left shoulder. 0:19:24.960 --> 0:19:27.080 Now I want you to exhale that breath and move 0:19:27.119 --> 0:19:29.600 your head over to your right shoulder, letting go ten 0:19:29.720 --> 0:19:33.640 million tapes. If he doesn't want me, bring your head 0:19:33.680 --> 0:19:38.720 back to center. Let's do that again. In hell, deep, deep, deep, deep, 0:19:38.800 --> 0:19:42.560 in hell. Turn your head over to your left shoulder 0:19:43.520 --> 0:19:46.639 and think the start. Exhale and move your head to 0:19:46.680 --> 0:19:49.960 your right shoulder. Think in I am releasing ten million tapes. 0:19:50.000 --> 0:19:54.080 If he doesn't want me, bring your head back to center, 0:19:55.960 --> 0:19:58.760 focus all of your tension and all of your energy, 0:19:59.040 --> 0:20:02.040 all of your tension right in the center of your chest, 0:20:04.119 --> 0:20:09.000 and in helle, hold that breath, hold this thought. I 0:20:09.119 --> 0:20:18.200 forgive myself for believing I'm not wanted, And exhale again. 0:20:18.320 --> 0:20:20.960 Focus all of your attention and the center of your chest, 0:20:22.080 --> 0:20:27.960 and inhale and think this thought. I forgive myself for 0:20:28.000 --> 0:20:38.120 believing he doesn't want me, I'm not the one. Exhale 0:20:38.280 --> 0:20:44.680 one more time. Inhale, hold a thought. I forgive myself 0:20:44.800 --> 0:20:58.280 for believing I'm not the one. He doesn't want me. Exhale. 0:20:58.960 --> 0:21:01.359 Tell me what thoughts come up, doesn't They don't have 0:21:01.400 --> 0:21:03.560 to make sense. Tell me what you're thinking, what you're 0:21:03.600 --> 0:21:04.600 feeling right now. 0:21:07.680 --> 0:21:11.280 It's kind of like I always kind of knew, did that? 0:21:11.880 --> 0:21:16.640 I don't. I don't know. I feel like I knew 0:21:16.640 --> 0:21:21.520 it wasn't gonna I don't know. 0:21:21.760 --> 0:21:26.400 No, you didn't know. You believed. There's a distinction between 0:21:26.480 --> 0:21:31.120 knowing and believing, because when you know, your behavior changes. 0:21:31.960 --> 0:21:37.399 And see that little girl didn't know if Daddy was 0:21:37.440 --> 0:21:41.040 gonna call, but she believed he wouldn't based on experience. 0:21:42.800 --> 0:21:46.600 She believed he wouldn't call. And it's hard Daddy's saying 0:21:46.640 --> 0:21:49.080 he's called. You want to believe him, but you're fighting 0:21:49.160 --> 0:21:53.080 within yourself against yourself. He ain't gonna call. Yes, he'll call, 0:21:53.520 --> 0:21:55.960 Maybe he'll call, Maybe he'll call the stop. It's the 0:21:56.000 --> 0:21:58.639 same thing you did with mister wonderful. Is he gonna 0:21:58.640 --> 0:22:02.240 text me? Maybe he's gonna tell. But you were hiking 0:22:02.400 --> 0:22:10.560 that expectation on your experience with Daddy does that make sense? 0:22:11.280 --> 0:22:13.760 So is it like self saptage? 0:22:16.600 --> 0:22:19.360 No, No, you're not gonna beat yourself up about it. 0:22:19.359 --> 0:22:25.960 It's a learned behavior. It's a learned behavior because you 0:22:26.000 --> 0:22:28.560 couldn't when Daddy said I'll call you. You couldn't say 0:22:28.560 --> 0:22:30.880 you're a damn liar, you're not gonna call. Shut up. 0:22:30.920 --> 0:22:36.080 You couldn't say that, stop telling me that stupidness. You're 0:22:36.080 --> 0:22:41.399 not gonna call. And that little girl, because she is 0:22:41.440 --> 0:22:44.359 a little girl, she wants Daddy to call, so she 0:22:44.920 --> 0:22:48.800 has to believe that he's gonna call, even though her 0:22:49.000 --> 0:22:52.800 knowing was he's not gonna call. But then she wants 0:22:52.840 --> 0:22:55.560 to know why why won't he call? What's the matter 0:22:55.600 --> 0:22:57.920 with me? Why is he always in jail? Why isn't 0:22:57.920 --> 0:23:02.200 he here? Booed about it? So beloved, while you would 0:23:02.280 --> 0:23:11.439 date you, I'd run screaming from the room until you 0:23:11.560 --> 0:23:14.760 clean that up. And it's gonna take a change of heart, 0:23:15.359 --> 0:23:18.840 that's all it is. It's your heart because on top 0:23:18.880 --> 0:23:21.919 of all of this, just what you're saying about, mister wonderful, 0:23:22.320 --> 0:23:25.040 is really what the little girl is saying about daddy. 0:23:25.480 --> 0:23:29.560 But I love him, But why isn't he here? I 0:23:29.560 --> 0:23:32.080 didn't know he didn't abuse mommy. I didn't see that. 0:23:32.119 --> 0:23:34.840 I don't know. Why isn't he here? Why am I 0:23:35.000 --> 0:23:37.720 not good enough? Why am I not important enough? Why 0:23:37.720 --> 0:23:40.200 does he have to keep going to jail? And mister 0:23:40.240 --> 0:23:42.880 wonderful is well, why doesn't he want me? Why does 0:23:42.880 --> 0:23:45.400 he think I'm not the one? You know, that's what 0:23:45.440 --> 0:23:47.560 she's asking. You're just repeating that pattern. 0:23:49.040 --> 0:23:50.400 So how do you change your heart? 0:23:53.000 --> 0:23:56.359 Just what you just did. You breathe it in, you 0:23:56.440 --> 0:24:00.240 get that frequency, and then you let it go. You know, 0:24:00.280 --> 0:24:02.159 we're living in a time when you can do it 0:24:02.200 --> 0:24:07.000 by word of mouth. You got to flex your muscles. 0:24:07.760 --> 0:24:10.800 You got to flex your muscles and set the intention. 0:24:11.280 --> 0:24:16.560 It is my intention to release the ten million tapes 0:24:16.560 --> 0:24:19.840 of he doesn't want me, I'm not the one, I'm 0:24:19.840 --> 0:24:26.240 not good enough, whatever it is, whatever it is, because 0:24:26.359 --> 0:24:30.320 your story, which is probably some of your mother's story 0:24:30.480 --> 0:24:35.520 and her mother's story, is you know you're not good enough, 0:24:35.560 --> 0:24:39.040 You're not important. You can't have what you want. I 0:24:39.119 --> 0:24:44.720 don't know. You know you have to do that? Yeah, 0:24:45.400 --> 0:24:50.960 so so well that right now? Not right now? Not 0:24:51.119 --> 0:24:55.520 right now, because I hear you saying you know that 0:24:55.560 --> 0:25:01.680 you're great, your your good to be with your gentle. 0:25:02.160 --> 0:25:04.159 You know, you work with children, and if they're not 0:25:04.280 --> 0:25:07.240 running screaming from the room, you know, chances are you 0:25:07.280 --> 0:25:10.520 have a great loving heart. But your heart is broken 0:25:13.720 --> 0:25:17.880 and Daddy's name is hooked on that break. So you've 0:25:17.880 --> 0:25:21.639 got to clean that stuff up with Daddy. And you're 0:25:21.680 --> 0:25:24.760 doing good on the outside, but the break is on 0:25:24.840 --> 0:25:29.840 the inside. You can see from this pattern, and beloved, 0:25:29.880 --> 0:25:32.920 here's the beauty of it. You did this with one person, 0:25:33.359 --> 0:25:36.359 thank god, you know, because it could have been five 0:25:36.440 --> 0:25:39.280 different ones and then you'd really be in trouble. But 0:25:39.359 --> 0:25:42.320 this is this is a clean break in the heart. 0:25:43.320 --> 0:25:48.439 So I would really want to encourage you to just 0:25:48.520 --> 0:25:54.040 do that forgiveness work. I forgive myself for believing that 0:25:54.119 --> 0:25:57.600 I'm not the one. I'm forgive myself for believing the 0:25:57.680 --> 0:26:00.440 right one won't show up. I forgive myself for believing 0:26:01.119 --> 0:26:08.480 I'm not good enough. You know, I forgive myself for 0:26:08.760 --> 0:26:16.040 believing that he's not going to be here, or whatever 0:26:16.080 --> 0:26:18.440 it is. You have to write down whatever it is 0:26:18.480 --> 0:26:22.960 that you're really thinking about. You know, this doesn't mean 0:26:23.000 --> 0:26:26.000 that you're not a good person. It may mean that 0:26:26.040 --> 0:26:29.400 you're just not ready for that depth and see, the 0:26:29.400 --> 0:26:33.520 more you loved him, mister Wonderful, the more the break 0:26:33.600 --> 0:26:38.679 showed up. You just have to clean up that break 0:26:38.720 --> 0:26:46.880 in your heart. That's all. So would you date you? Yes? 0:26:47.080 --> 0:26:54.040 Not right now? You can do some really really radical 0:26:54.480 --> 0:27:04.320 radical forgiveness. Radical forgiveness and not even forgiving daddy. It's 0:27:04.400 --> 0:27:08.679 not even about forgiving daddy. It's about forgiving yourself for 0:27:08.840 --> 0:27:13.320 believing what Daddy said and everything that you made up 0:27:13.760 --> 0:27:18.920 based on Daddy's behavior. And don't believe that anything your 0:27:19.040 --> 0:27:23.760 dad did or anything mister Wonderful did, has anything to 0:27:23.800 --> 0:27:29.119