Speaker 1: I am a Yamla, your host for this journey. I
Speaker 1: was a hopeless loveaholic but just could not get my
Speaker 1: love to work. Then, after a series of heartbreaks and
Speaker 1: deep heartache, I finally got clear about what love is
Speaker 1: and what it is not. I want to share some
Speaker 1: of what I've learned about lover holism. Welcome to the
Speaker 1: R Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. Greetings,
Speaker 1: and welcome to the our Spot, the place we come
Speaker 1: to talk about relationships, all kinds of relationships, the good,
Speaker 1: the not so good, the fun and the difficult, whether
Speaker 1: it's a real relationship with your lover, your spouse, your friend,
Speaker 1: your mom, or yourself. Today we're taking a different look
Speaker 1: at your relationship with yourself because we know that your
Speaker 1: relationship with yourself is the foundation for all other relationships.
Speaker 1: And the question on the floor today is would you
Speaker 1: date you? Would you date you? I mean, are you
Speaker 1: the kind of person that you would want to be with?
Speaker 1: And if so, why and if not why not? And
Speaker 1: I guess you can look at the last few dates
Speaker 1: that you've had, or the last few relationships that you've had,
Speaker 1: and look at how it worked out. And how you
Speaker 1: behaved and what made it healthy, what made it fun,
Speaker 1: and what tanked it. You know, because your relationship with
Speaker 1: yourself is so critical, is so important, and that is
Speaker 1: the let me say, the training ground for how you
Speaker 1: teach other people how to treat you. It helps you
Speaker 1: see how you treat other people, how you treat yourself
Speaker 1: in the company of other people. And so very often
Speaker 1: we want someone to come into our lives and bring
Speaker 1: us something we think we don't have. But if you
Speaker 1: don't have it, chances are you really won't even be
Speaker 1: able to recognize it when you get it. Or maybe
Speaker 1: you want it for the war on reasons. Maybe you're
Speaker 1: looking for someone to do for you or do to
Speaker 1: you what you need to do for and to yourself.
Speaker 1: Would you date you? I had to really think about that,
Speaker 1: and I would say right now, I wouldn't date me
Speaker 1: because I got too much going on. I'm too busy,
Speaker 1: I don't have time. I have to remember to take
Speaker 1: care of myself. I have to remember to carve time
Speaker 1: out for myself, and I'm doing that pretty well. But
Speaker 1: I tell you, I don't have room and space for
Speaker 1: anybody else right now. I don't have room in space
Speaker 1: to talk to you. I don't care about your problems.
Speaker 1: I don't care what it is that you're going through.
Speaker 1: So I've just kind of extracted myself from the dating field,
Speaker 1: from the dating pool, because right now I would not
Speaker 1: date me. I don't have the wherewithal to give the
Speaker 1: time and attention and energy to a relationship with another person.
Speaker 1: And until I become more solid, more fluid, more how
Speaker 1: can I say more attentive to me, It's not fair
Speaker 1: to bring anybody else into my life right now. So
Speaker 1: that's just my take on it. I'm not dating material
Speaker 1: right now. I will be, and let me say this,
Speaker 1: it is by choice. I am making the choice to
Speaker 1: extract myself from the dating field knowing everything that I
Speaker 1: have going on in my life, and those things are
Speaker 1: my priorities right now. So I'm not going to try
Speaker 1: to squeeze anybody in and ask them to align themselves
Speaker 1: with my schedule and what I'm doing, because that's just
Speaker 1: not fair and it's not kind, it's not loving, and
Speaker 1: I don't want my hair on fire trying to catch
Speaker 1: up with somebody else. So that's me, okay, and I'm
Speaker 1: being perfectly honest about it. That's just where I am
Speaker 1: right now, and it's okay to be there. And when
Speaker 1: I get ready to shift and change, then I'll shift
Speaker 1: and change. But until then, I am not a good
Speaker 1: dating prospect. But I've got some callers who say that
Speaker 1: they are. So the question on the floor is would
Speaker 1: you date you? Think about that and let me know.
Speaker 1: Here's my caller. Greetings, we love it, and welcome to
Speaker 1: the art spot. We're taking a twist today on your
Speaker 1: relationship with yourself, and the question on the floor is
Speaker 1: would you date you? Hi?
Speaker 2: I would, mister Yanner. I would be outside of my
Speaker 2: house with a boombox and playing romantic music and I
Speaker 2: would run across my own arms into the beach if
Speaker 2: I could.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Okay, So you're having a good You're having a good,
Speaker 1: healthy relationship with yourself, I think.
Speaker 2: So. I'm I'm really I work with kids, so I
Speaker 2: kind of have the training to just be gentle, and
Speaker 2: I'm really good about being diferent with myself and being
Speaker 2: patient with myself and being understanding. And I cry a lot,
Speaker 2: so I've had to kind of come to terms that
Speaker 2: I have to let myself cry and you know, all
Speaker 2: of that good stuff. So I'm really I have a
Speaker 2: really wonderful relationship with myself. I love me, I'm okay
Speaker 2: to me. I'm the blueprint, I'm the ape girl, I'm
Speaker 2: my dream girl.
Speaker 1: Right so what would make you fun to date or
Speaker 1: what would make you good to date? Let me ask
Speaker 1: this question. Are you dating right now?
Speaker 2: I am fresh out of a relationship.
Speaker 1: Oh yum yum. Oh. Do tell what happened.
Speaker 2: We were together for six years. We were best friends.
Speaker 2: I wanted the love of my life and he.
Speaker 1: Told me.
Speaker 2: A few years ago we broke up with me. So
Speaker 2: it was a very on and off agaven relationship for
Speaker 2: a long time, maybe four of those six years. And
Speaker 2: he told me maybe three years ago that I wasn't
Speaker 2: the one and I'm devastatus. And I didn't he said that,
Speaker 2: and I said okay, and I packed up you know,
Speaker 2: my stuff, and I left. I didn't call, I didn't text.
Speaker 2: You only have to tell me one time that I'm
Speaker 2: not it. And months go by, four months go by,
Speaker 2: and he texted me, He's like, I miss you, and
Speaker 2: you know, I'm like, I miss you too, And so
Speaker 2: right back to and you know, going back and forth.
Speaker 2: And I stayed a lot longer than I should have,
Speaker 2: and recently in January. It was a lot, and it
Speaker 2: took a lot, but I moved from Atlanta where we were,
Speaker 2: to Houston. I just I was, I don't know, like
Speaker 2: someone being unsure about me was really starting to take
Speaker 2: a toll on me and going back to someone who
Speaker 2: told me that I wasn't. It was a lot and
Speaker 2: I was really embarrassed. I'm embarrassed now, I finally, Oh,
Speaker 2: don't be embarrassed. I feel like the embarrassment comes from,
Speaker 2: how do you love someone so much who doesn't feel
Speaker 2: like that about you? Like that sucks, that's a terrible feeling.
Speaker 1: Yeah, take a wait a minute, take take a breath.
Speaker 1: Take a breath, Take a brauh, take a breath. How
Speaker 1: do you love someone so much who doesn't love you
Speaker 1: the same way? What did you love?
Speaker 2: Oh?
Speaker 3: Everything?
Speaker 1: We were best friends.
Speaker 2: He made me laugh, he was funny, he was interesting,
Speaker 2: he cooked me dinner, He was really romantic. He was
Speaker 2: really like all my boxes he checked off everything, everything,
Speaker 2: And so no.
Speaker 1: He did not, he did not check off everything because
Speaker 1: your your love for him wasn't reciprocated. So is that
Speaker 1: what you wanted someone.
Speaker 2: That came later? Like that's that is really new? That
Speaker 2: came later. You know, in the beginning, right, first three years,
Speaker 2: I was I was so certain someone I would bet
Speaker 2: the lottery that we were going to get married and
Speaker 2: be together. I was so certain. So to find out
Speaker 2: later they're all the you know, breaking up and getting
Speaker 2: back together and all that stuff, that that's not how
Speaker 2: he felt. That was That was devastatingly embarrassing. How did
Speaker 2: I get here? Right there? There are sides someone isn't
Speaker 2: in love with you or doesn't want to be with
Speaker 2: you their side, and maybe I'm just like delusional. I
Speaker 2: didn't catch any of that, but it caught me on guard.
Speaker 1: Well did he say why? Did he say? Why you
Speaker 1: weren't the one? Well, you know what, it doesn't matter.
Speaker 1: Forget that, it doesn't even matter.
Speaker 2: And it took me a long time to leave. I
Speaker 2: stayed a lot longer than I should have, just because
Speaker 2: of all the things, right, all the emotional connection that
Speaker 2: we had and sex was amazing and all that stuff.
Speaker 2: I stayed a lot longer than I should have. And
Speaker 2: finally I left in January. And leaving is hard, but
Speaker 2: staying gone is ten times harder.
Speaker 1: But yeah, gone.
Speaker 2: I don't want someone to settle for me. I don't
Speaker 2: deserve that. Like I said, I am the love of
Speaker 2: my life. I someone should be outside with a boombox,
Speaker 2: like play me music and buy me flowers. And so
Speaker 2: I had to love myself enough, which is also people
Speaker 2: make it sound so easy. It's hard and it's lonely
Speaker 2: to love yourself. And I left.
Speaker 1: I don't think it's lonely. I don't think it's lonely.
Speaker 1: I mean, if you're loving yourself and you're occupied yourself.
Speaker 1: I want to say two things to you. Number one,
Speaker 1: First of all, thank you for sharing, because I do
Speaker 1: hear that it's fresh. And when I asked the question
Speaker 1: would you date you? My answer for you would be
Speaker 1: not right now? Not right now, okay, because you don't
Speaker 1: want to be weeping on your new date shoulder.
Speaker 2: Okay, you know, taking a year off. I just need
Speaker 2: my heart and my brain and my soul to just reset.
Speaker 1: So where are you with him right now?
Speaker 2: He text me on Monday, and I was so excited
Speaker 2: that he text me, and then I don't know, like
Speaker 2: the sparkle was gone, right, there's something about I did,
Speaker 2: I responded, it's so it's I don't know how to
Speaker 2: describe it. Tried to like argue with him, and it
Speaker 2: just didn't It wasn't the same. The sparkle was gone,
Speaker 2: the passion was gone. The maybe it's just I took
Speaker 2: him off the pedal stool and I saw him for
Speaker 2: who like for, you know, and I just didn't say
Speaker 2: anything back, and I don't plan to. I'm ready to
Speaker 2: move on. I'm I'm over it. I've cried a lot.
Speaker 2: I'm oh God, I I cry everything. So I cry
Speaker 2: a lot, and I've cried a lot over the past
Speaker 2: three years.
Speaker 1: What did you cry about? Tell me what you cried about.
Speaker 2: He started doing this thing where we would everything is fine,
Speaker 2: we're fine, we're great, and then he would get upset
Speaker 2: with me or hurt or his you know, irritated, and
Speaker 2: he would say to me, well, I don't want to
Speaker 2: be with you anyway, and I would. The first few
Speaker 2: times he did that, I didn't know how to take it,
Speaker 2: and so we would argue about it. There's nothing to
Speaker 2: argue about. Someone tells you didn't want to be with you.
Speaker 2: But we would argue about it and eventually stopped talking,
Speaker 2: and you know, he would I, I'm sorry, I said that.
Speaker 2: I didn't mean it to get back together. And then
Speaker 2: a lot of the tears came from in those in
Speaker 2: between moments, waiting for him to text me, knowing if
Speaker 2: you know what was going to happen next. I didn't
Speaker 2: know what was going to happen next. I mean I knew,
Speaker 2: but in the moment, my anxiety was like, oh my god,
Speaker 2: you don't know, you don't know, you don't know, he's
Speaker 2: never gonna text you again. And then, of course, and
Speaker 2: then we would get back together, and I cried a
Speaker 2: lot because my brain, my soul knew that that's not
Speaker 2: what I wanted, That's not how I wanted to be treated.
Speaker 2: He'd never treated me like that before. So I don't
Speaker 2: know what happened with him, but I cried a lot
Speaker 2: about what I deserved and what I saw I deserved.
Speaker 2: And then you would call me, if you would text me,
Speaker 2: and I would perk right back up and take him
Speaker 2: right back. And so it was a lot of back
Speaker 2: and forth, which leads me to believe, like, you're unsure
Speaker 2: about me. And then I started crying about that that
Speaker 2: I was so in love with someone who was unsure
Speaker 2: about me. I'm so tired of crying. I'm surprised that
Speaker 2: crying is not the issue that.
Speaker 1: You know this dating, six years of dating brings to
Speaker 1: the surface what it brings to the surface. And I
Speaker 1: say that because you kept going back, is an unconscious belief.
Speaker 1: He's showing you an unconscious belief that you may have.
Speaker 1: It could be I'm unlovable, or I can't have what
Speaker 1: I want, or this is too good to be true.
Speaker 1: That's a good one. This is too good to be true,
Speaker 1: And so you're going to keep trying to prove to
Speaker 1: yourself it's too good to be true. You know, he's wonderful,
Speaker 1: we get along, we have fun, but he doesn't want me.
Speaker 1: So that's an unconscious belief that keeps coming up. And
Speaker 1: it's up so that you can heal it. And I
Speaker 1: would ask you, who's crying? Are you the grown adult
Speaker 1: woman crying or is there a little person in there
Speaker 1: a part of your consciousness. I don't know if daddy left,
Speaker 1: mommy left, somebody died, maybe between the ages of six
Speaker 1: and nine, that this thing keeps showing up.
Speaker 2: Dad, my dad didn't die, but my dog was. My
Speaker 2: dad was in and out of jail.
Speaker 1: Okay, there you go, hold it right there, there, it is,
Speaker 1: that's it, right there. Stay tuned. We'll be right back,
Speaker 1: welcome back to the R spot. How many tapes or
Speaker 1: recordings of that play in your mind? I can't trust that.
Speaker 1: I don't know if he's going to stay. I don't
Speaker 1: know if he's going to be here. It could be
Speaker 1: any number from zero to infinity. How many tapes of
Speaker 1: that do you have?
Speaker 2: This is complicated. My mom and my dad were together,
Speaker 2: they're married, and when I was five, my mom moved
Speaker 2: from Ohio where she was, to Hawaii and she took
Speaker 2: me and myself.
Speaker 1: So you moved, So you moved from Atlanta to Houston,
Speaker 1: repeating mommy's pattern. Go ahead, So my.
Speaker 2: Mom moved to Hawaii. She took me and my sisters,
Speaker 2: and she just always said she just wanted to get
Speaker 2: as far away from my dad as possible. From what
Speaker 2: I understand from the child, you know, being the child,
Speaker 2: is that he was abusive. I don't you know, I
Speaker 2: don't remember seeing any of that, hearing it, but that
Speaker 2: was hers were old enough that he was abusive, and
Speaker 2: she just he was in an out of jail. And
Speaker 2: so when we lived in Hawaii, I do vividly remember
Speaker 2: him being in and out of jail, and he would
Speaker 2: call sometimes and as we got older. If he wasn't
Speaker 2: in jail, we would call and he would say, I'll
Speaker 2: call you back, and we'd say okay, and he'd never
Speaker 2: call back. And so I remember telegram.
Speaker 1: So wait a minute, hold right there, hole, right there?
Speaker 1: Is he gonna text? Is he gonna call? Is he
Speaker 1: gonna text? Is it gonna call? Do you see the
Speaker 1: pattern from daddy to mister wonderful, I'll call it, mister wonderful.
Speaker 1: Do you see the pattern? So you've just recreated your
Speaker 1: dad and that relationship. So that requires a change of heart.
Speaker 1: My heart was broken a long time ago, and you
Speaker 1: just keep digging into that break. So let's say from
Speaker 1: five when you move to Hawaii to now, let's say
Speaker 1: there are five million tapes of is he gonna call?
Speaker 1: Is he not gonna call? Is he gonna call? Is
Speaker 1: he not gonna call? Let's you know he's not gonna call.
Speaker 1: He doesn't want me. I'm not the one. Take a breath,
Speaker 1: Take a breath. Come on, So does five million tapes
Speaker 1: off he doesn't want me? Sound about right?
Speaker 2: Is it more or less?
Speaker 1: Okay? So let's let's say ten million a good number.
Speaker 1: So that's ten million heartbreaks. That's ten million tiers. That's
Speaker 1: ten million everything. If you could let that go, when
Speaker 1: would you let it go today? Okay, you would let
Speaker 1: it go right now today. So I want you to
Speaker 1: do this. I want you to kind of settle into
Speaker 1: where you are. I want you to take a deep breath.
Speaker 1: In hold that breath, turn your head to your left shoulder.
Speaker 1: Now I want you to exhale that breath and move
Speaker 1: your head over to your right shoulder, letting go ten
Speaker 1: million tapes. If he doesn't want me, bring your head
Speaker 1: back to center. Let's do that again. In hell, deep, deep, deep, deep,
Speaker 1: in hell. Turn your head over to your left shoulder
Speaker 1: and think the start. Exhale and move your head to
Speaker 1: your right shoulder. Think in I am releasing ten million tapes.
Speaker 1: If he doesn't want me, bring your head back to center,
Speaker 1: focus all of your tension and all of your energy,
Speaker 1: all of your tension right in the center of your chest,
Speaker 1: and in helle, hold that breath, hold this thought. I
Speaker 1: forgive myself for believing I'm not wanted, And exhale again.
Speaker 1: Focus all of your attention and the center of your chest,
Speaker 1: and inhale and think this thought. I forgive myself for
Speaker 1: believing he doesn't want me, I'm not the one. Exhale
Speaker 1: one more time. Inhale, hold a thought. I forgive myself
Speaker 1: for believing I'm not the one. He doesn't want me. Exhale.
Speaker 1: Tell me what thoughts come up, doesn't They don't have
Speaker 1: to make sense. Tell me what you're thinking, what you're
Speaker 1: feeling right now.
Speaker 2: It's kind of like I always kind of knew, did that?
Speaker 2: I don't. I don't know. I feel like I knew
Speaker 2: it wasn't gonna I don't know.
Speaker 1: No, you didn't know. You believed. There's a distinction between
Speaker 1: knowing and believing, because when you know, your behavior changes.
Speaker 1: And see that little girl didn't know if Daddy was
Speaker 1: gonna call, but she believed he wouldn't based on experience.
Speaker 1: She believed he wouldn't call. And it's hard Daddy's saying
Speaker 1: he's called. You want to believe him, but you're fighting
Speaker 1: within yourself against yourself. He ain't gonna call. Yes, he'll call,
Speaker 1: Maybe he'll call, Maybe he'll call the stop. It's the
Speaker 1: same thing you did with mister wonderful. Is he gonna
Speaker 1: text me? Maybe he's gonna tell. But you were hiking
Speaker 1: that expectation on your experience with Daddy does that make sense?
Speaker 2: So is it like self saptage?
Speaker 1: No, No, you're not gonna beat yourself up about it.
Speaker 1: It's a learned behavior. It's a learned behavior because you
Speaker 1: couldn't when Daddy said I'll call you. You couldn't say
Speaker 1: you're a damn liar, you're not gonna call. Shut up.
Speaker 1: You couldn't say that, stop telling me that stupidness. You're
Speaker 1: not gonna call. And that little girl, because she is
Speaker 1: a little girl, she wants Daddy to call, so she
Speaker 1: has to believe that he's gonna call, even though her
Speaker 1: knowing was he's not gonna call. But then she wants
Speaker 1: to know why why won't he call? What's the matter
Speaker 1: with me? Why is he always in jail? Why isn't
Speaker 1: he here? Booed about it? So beloved, while you would
Speaker 1: date you, I'd run screaming from the room until you
Speaker 1: clean that up. And it's gonna take a change of heart,
Speaker 1: that's all it is. It's your heart because on top
Speaker 1: of all of this, just what you're saying about, mister wonderful,
Speaker 1: is really what the little girl is saying about daddy.
Speaker 1: But I love him, But why isn't he here? I
Speaker 1: didn't know he didn't abuse mommy. I didn't see that.
Speaker 1: I don't know. Why isn't he here? Why am I
Speaker 1: not good enough? Why am I not important enough? Why
Speaker 1: does he have to keep going to jail? And mister
Speaker 1: wonderful is well, why doesn't he want me? Why does
Speaker 1: he think I'm not the one? You know, that's what
Speaker 1: she's asking. You're just repeating that pattern.
Speaker 2: So how do you change your heart?
Speaker 1: Just what you just did. You breathe it in, you
Speaker 1: get that frequency, and then you let it go. You know,
Speaker 1: we're living in a time when you can do it
Speaker 1: by word of mouth. You got to flex your muscles.
Speaker 1: You got to flex your muscles and set the intention.
Speaker 1: It is my intention to release the ten million tapes
Speaker 1: of he doesn't want me, I'm not the one, I'm
Speaker 1: not good enough, whatever it is, whatever it is, because
Speaker 1: your story, which is probably some of your mother's story
Speaker 1: and her mother's story, is you know you're not good enough,
Speaker 1: You're not important. You can't have what you want. I
Speaker 1: don't know. You know you have to do that? Yeah,
Speaker 1: so so well that right now? Not right now? Not
Speaker 1: right now, because I hear you saying you know that
Speaker 1: you're great, your your good to be with your gentle.
Speaker 1: You know, you work with children, and if they're not
Speaker 1: running screaming from the room, you know, chances are you
Speaker 1: have a great loving heart. But your heart is broken
Speaker 1: and Daddy's name is hooked on that break. So you've
Speaker 1: got to clean that stuff up with Daddy. And you're
Speaker 1: doing good on the outside, but the break is on
Speaker 1: the inside. You can see from this pattern, and beloved,
Speaker 1: here's the beauty of it. You did this with one person,
Speaker 1: thank god, you know, because it could have been five
Speaker 1: different ones and then you'd really be in trouble. But
Speaker 1: this is this is a clean break in the heart.
Speaker 1: So I would really want to encourage you to just
Speaker 1: do that forgiveness work. I forgive myself for believing that
Speaker 1: I'm not the one. I'm forgive myself for believing the
Speaker 1: right one won't show up. I forgive myself for believing
Speaker 1: I'm not good enough. You know, I forgive myself for
Speaker 1: believing that he's not going to be here, or whatever
Speaker 1: it is. You have to write down whatever it is
Speaker 1: that you're really thinking about. You know, this doesn't mean
Speaker 1: that you're not a good person. It may mean that
Speaker 1: you're just not ready for that depth and see, the
Speaker 1: more you loved him, mister Wonderful, the more the break
Speaker 1: showed up. You just have to clean up that break
Speaker 1: in your heart. That's all. So would you date you? Yes?
Speaker 1: Not right now? You can do some really really radical
Speaker 1: radical forgiveness. Radical forgiveness and not even forgiving daddy. It's
Speaker 1: not even about forgiving daddy. It's about forgiving yourself for
Speaker 1: believing what Daddy said and everything that you made up
Speaker 1: based on Daddy's behavior. And don't believe that anything your
Speaker 1: dad did or anything mister Wonderful did, has anything to
Speaker 1: do with you. Mister Wonderful took six years of his
Speaker 1: life to help you heal. And here's the thing. Here's
Speaker 1: the thing people very often misunderstand relationships. Relationships come to
Speaker 1: teach us, not to complete us. You're trying to be
Speaker 1: completed that thing with daddy. And what this relationship with
Speaker 1: mister Wonderful has done is it has taught you you
Speaker 1: where the break is in your heart. Give thanks, be
Speaker 1: grateful for that that you had to learn that with
Speaker 1: one person, not with six. But you could have had
Speaker 1: a new one every year and they all could have
Speaker 1: left you, and then we'd be on this phone for
Speaker 1: six hours instead of twenty two minutes.
Speaker 2: I'm grateful that I get to talk to you and
Speaker 2: thank you so much. I'm going to go upstairs and
Speaker 2: have some ice cream.
Speaker 1: I think, like I said, don't worry about mister Wonderful,
Speaker 1: be grateful for him. Okay, I want to repeat that.
Speaker 1: I want to repeat what I just shared with my guests.
Speaker 1: People come into our lives to teach us, not to
Speaker 1: complete us. And as long as you're thinking you need
Speaker 1: somebody to complete you, you'll be dating and seeking and
Speaker 1: looking and sleeping around for the wrong reasons. What is
Speaker 1: this relationship teaching me about me that I can learn
Speaker 1: to make me better? And if the relationship lasts, great,
Speaker 1: and if it doesn't, great, But as long as you're
Speaker 1: looking for somebody to complete you, please don't go dating.
Speaker 1: Please don't you know, if you don't want to be
Speaker 1: with you, why should anybody else want to be with
Speaker 1: you if you think you're incomplete? If you are, you
Speaker 1: don't even know what you're missing. Okay, stay tuned, we'll
Speaker 1: be right back. Greetings, be love it, and welcome to
Speaker 1: the r Spot. Our question on the floor today is
Speaker 1: would you date you? If so, why and if not,
Speaker 1: why not? I would date MEI, oh goodie, tell me why?
Speaker 2: Well?
Speaker 3: I think that I am a very loyal partner. I'm
Speaker 3: very compassionate, and I love really hard and very caring.
Speaker 3: So I would date me.
Speaker 1: Mm. Okay, are you dating now? I'm not?
Speaker 3: Why So? My biggest dilemma currently is getting over a
Speaker 3: fear that I created about certain men, and how to
Speaker 3: function in a relationship that's not toxic and that actually
Speaker 3: serves me. I just came out of a free relationship
Speaker 3: that didn't end too great, and so now I'm just
Speaker 3: in a space where I'm ready to date again. I
Speaker 3: just don't know how to go about it.
Speaker 1: Okay, so you ended a three year relationship? How long ago?
Speaker 3: About twelve months ago?
Speaker 1: Okay, so you've been out of a relationship for a year,
Speaker 1: and what did you What did you learn about you
Speaker 1: in that relationship?
Speaker 3: The biggest thing that I took away from that relationship
Speaker 3: is that I can't force people to change, and I
Speaker 3: can't heal people that don't.
Speaker 2: Want to heal.
Speaker 1: Well, why are you attracting people that need to be healed?
Speaker 3: That's a good question, I think.
Speaker 1: Do you have a good answer.
Speaker 3: It has a lot to do with what I initially
Speaker 3: thought my self worth was okay, and which I think
Speaker 3: that I was deserving of having someone take care of me.
Speaker 3: I always in the past felt like I should be
Speaker 3: the one doing or being the caretaker.
Speaker 1: Okay, Now, where did you pick up that notion.
Speaker 3: From my dad? Because he definitely had a pattern within
Speaker 3: his semi relationships of being the caretaker and always being
Speaker 3: the one to handle things. So it's something that I've
Speaker 3: watched him do growing up. And Natalie, I think I
Speaker 3: just adapted into my lifestyle without even realizing I was
Speaker 3: doing it in my relationship until recently.
Speaker 1: Mmmm. So would you date you? Yes? Because you're loving,
Speaker 1: you're loyal, you love hard, and you'll take care of people.
Speaker 1: Do you get that that's going to attract to you
Speaker 1: people that need to be taken care of?
Speaker 3: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Oh okay, So what's different now? What's different? You've been
Speaker 1: out of this relationship a year. What's different?
Speaker 3: I say, my confidence is one of the biggest things
Speaker 3: that shifted. I'm actually doing the things that I say
Speaker 3: that I'm going to do instead of saying I'm gonna
Speaker 3: do it and then not putting action behind my words.
Speaker 1: Mm hmmm. As the caregiver, As the care taker. You
Speaker 1: know that's a very important word, care taker. Do you
Speaker 1: know how to be cared for?
Speaker 3: I don't think I fully know how to gain that space, to.
Speaker 1: Be honest, Yeah, yeah, yeah, because that's what if you've shifted,
Speaker 1: then what you'll probably attract as someone who wants to
Speaker 1: take care of you. And the question becomes do you
Speaker 1: know how to receive it? Or will you feel that
Speaker 1: it's controlling? Will you feel that they're trying to dominate you?
Speaker 1: Will you feel that you know this is too much?
Speaker 1: Because when you've been on the giving end, it's hard
Speaker 1: to be on the receiving end. So you're going to
Speaker 1: have to walk through that just to just to get
Speaker 1: that kind of balanced out. Okay, then you I heard
Speaker 1: you say something about a fear you created. Tell me
Speaker 1: more about that.
Speaker 3: So I had kind of realized after leaving this relationship
Speaker 3: that I had a fear that if I allowed myself
Speaker 3: to be taking care of that I would be taken
Speaker 3: advantage of. Oh there you go, so it looks like me.
Speaker 1: Now, why would you think that? Why would you think
Speaker 1: that if I allowed myself to be taken care of,
Speaker 1: I'd be taking the advantage of How did you put
Speaker 1: that together?
Speaker 3: Honestly, I just think just watching certain scenarios play out
Speaker 3: throughout my life it definitely impacted it at viewpoint. But
Speaker 3: also feeling the need to be independent all the time.
Speaker 1: Mm hm oh yeah, that's a sticky, wicked right there.
Speaker 1: You need the need to be independent as opposed to interdependent.
Speaker 1: So what in a relationship would it look like if
Speaker 1: you were being taken advantage of? Do you know what
Speaker 1: that would look like?
Speaker 3: That's a good question.
Speaker 1: Do you have a good answer.
Speaker 3: I should say that it could potentially look like me
Speaker 3: allowing someone to across the boundaries. Ah.
Speaker 1: I just wrote on my paper clear boundaries. M hmm,
Speaker 1: do you have clear boundaries?
Speaker 3: It's something that I'm working on.
Speaker 1: Were you taking care of in your previous relationship?
Speaker 3: Not at all. I was literally doing everything and it
Speaker 3: drained me and it was to the point where I
Speaker 3: had to just leave and come back home. So within
Speaker 3: that relationship, I was taken on a mothering role. Not
Speaker 3: only did I become a mother from that relationship, but
Speaker 3: even before I became a mother, I was mothering him
Speaker 3: and also his other child that was from a previous relationship.
Speaker 3: So I was not being taken care of. It ally
Speaker 3: was doing all the nurturing and pourishment in that whole relationship.
Speaker 1: And you didn't have clear boundaries, right, okay, So would
Speaker 1: you date somebody that didn't have clear boundaries?
Speaker 3: No?
Speaker 1: Okay, but you don't have clear boundaries and you would
Speaker 1: date you.
Speaker 3: I mean I would still what date me, but it
Speaker 3: would just be some things that I would be aware
Speaker 3: of more aware of.
Speaker 1: So what are you going to do about this fear
Speaker 1: of being taken advantage of? Because I don't even know
Speaker 1: what that looks like. If you've got clear boundaries, people
Speaker 1: can't take advantage of you. How strong is your no?
Speaker 3: I'm still working on date?
Speaker 1: Oh boy, wrong as.
Speaker 3: I would like you to.
Speaker 1: Okay, So I'm gonna say, would you date you? Not
Speaker 1: right now? I need a little work right here. I'm
Speaker 1: gonna but you know, and then a date is a date.
Speaker 1: It's not a permanent commitment in life forever. So you
Speaker 1: may need to do some dating just to get clear
Speaker 1: about your boundaries this to strengthen up your no. You know,
Speaker 1: there's a difference between no, you can't do that and no,
Speaker 1: thank you, I can do that for myself. To make
Speaker 1: that distinction, get those things clear. But you don't have
Speaker 1: to go into every date thinking this is the one.
Speaker 1: Sometime you can go, you know, their playdates, play around,
Speaker 1: see what you like, what you don't like, what needs
Speaker 1: to be worked on. Can I ask how old you
Speaker 1: are in twenty six? Oh? Twenty six? Okay, you still
Speaker 1: got a little ways to go. And then you're dating
Speaker 1: with a new baby or a baby if you've been
Speaker 1: in a relationship a year, how old is your baby?
Speaker 3: He is eighteen months?
Speaker 1: Okay? All right, yeah, so you know that's a whole
Speaker 1: another bag of worms that you got to deal with.
Speaker 1: How do you date? Who do you introduce to your son?
Speaker 1: How soon? I mean? And there's a lot of things
Speaker 1: to consider here. So you've got some stuff to work through. Yeah,
Speaker 1: but you'll do it. Learn to trust yourself, learn to
Speaker 1: nurture yourself, learn to have clear boundaries of what keeps
Speaker 1: you safe and offer that to the to the person
Speaker 1: that you're dating. Also okay, okay, well happy dating? Okay,
Speaker 1: alrighty bye bye bye? Would you date you? You got
Speaker 1: to look at everything, look at everything, And like I
Speaker 1: said earlier, I'm not dating right now because I got
Speaker 1: a lot going on and I'm not gonna bring anybody
Speaker 1: else into this. Experience. But I do date myself. That's
Speaker 1: how I do my self care, That's how I do
Speaker 1: my time with myself when I'm going somewhere. And I
Speaker 1: had this awareness, I didn't realize that the drive to
Speaker 1: my self care, whether it was my massage or my
Speaker 1: treatment or my hydration or whatever I was doing, that
Speaker 1: was time for me to be with me. I thought
Speaker 1: it was just the drive, just the thing I had
Speaker 1: to do. But that's part of the date, getting to
Speaker 1: where you're going. So I had to kind of rethink that.
Speaker 1: But if you're out there dating, if you're in the
Speaker 1: dating world, look at everything and consider if you were
Speaker 1: walking into someone's life and they had this going on,
Speaker 1: how would you handle it, How would you want it handled?
Speaker 1: What is it that you would need or say or offer?
Speaker 1: Would you date you? You have to take everything into consideration,
Speaker 1: and the first thing is date yourself. Manage yourself in
Speaker 1: your own life, you know, manage everything that you've got
Speaker 1: going on, and see how you feel about it, get
Speaker 1: happy about it, get enthusiastic about it, and above all else,
Speaker 1: tell the truth about it. Because the worst thing you
Speaker 1: can do is start dating somebody and then the surprise
Speaker 1: Booby traps pop up along the way. Oh yeah, I'm
Speaker 1: caring for my mother's dying dog. Okay, oh, whatever it is.
Speaker 1: Learn how to take yourself to dinner, Learn how to
Speaker 1: take yourself to the movies. Learn how to play with
Speaker 1: yourself if you know what I mean, and see how
Speaker 1: that feels. Because some people are lone, and they're lonely
Speaker 1: in their loneeness as opposed to being with themselves and
Speaker 1: learning how to take care of themselves and learning from themselves. Remember,
Speaker 1: nobody's gonna complete you. You've got to come into a
Speaker 1: relationship or dating situation complete, not arrogant with your nose
Speaker 1: up in the air. I don't need nobody to do
Speaker 1: nothing for me, but complete within yourself. Try dating just
Speaker 1: for the fun of it and not for the conclusion
Speaker 1: of it. You know, or is he the one? Is
Speaker 1: she the one? Are we? It's this it? No? No,
Speaker 1: you won't be able to see the beauty of who
Speaker 1: you are and experience your health and your fun and
Speaker 1: your wisdom if you're looking for somebody else to complete you.
Speaker 1: So I hope you've heard something today that you can
Speaker 1: use and support you in your dating life. I hope
Speaker 1: that you're stretching and growing and clearing up those boundaries. Yeah,
Speaker 1: would you date? You ask yourself that question, if so,
Speaker 1: why and if not, why not? And maybe one day
Speaker 1: you'll give me a call and let me know what
Speaker 1: you discovered. I want to thank everybody for tuning in
Speaker 1: today and I'll see you next time. In the meantime,
Speaker 1: stay in peace and not in pieces. The R Spot
Speaker 1: is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio.
Speaker 1: For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app,
Speaker 1: Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.