1 00:00:01,800 --> 00:00:04,760 Speaker 1: I am a Yamla, your host for this journey. I 2 00:00:05,080 --> 00:00:09,600 Speaker 1: was a hopeless loveaholic but just could not get my 3 00:00:09,720 --> 00:00:14,160 Speaker 1: love to work. Then, after a series of heartbreaks and 4 00:00:14,360 --> 00:00:19,040 Speaker 1: deep heartache, I finally got clear about what love is 5 00:00:19,160 --> 00:00:22,440 Speaker 1: and what it is not. I want to share some 6 00:00:22,560 --> 00:00:27,800 Speaker 1: of what I've learned about lover holism. Welcome to the 7 00:00:27,920 --> 00:00:47,000 Speaker 1: R Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. Greetings, 8 00:00:47,040 --> 00:00:50,240 Speaker 1: and welcome to the our Spot, the place we come 9 00:00:50,320 --> 00:00:55,400 Speaker 1: to talk about relationships, all kinds of relationships, the good, 10 00:00:55,480 --> 00:00:59,520 Speaker 1: the not so good, the fun and the difficult, whether 11 00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:04,240 Speaker 1: it's a real relationship with your lover, your spouse, your friend, 12 00:01:04,600 --> 00:01:10,520 Speaker 1: your mom, or yourself. Today we're taking a different look 13 00:01:10,920 --> 00:01:14,640 Speaker 1: at your relationship with yourself because we know that your 14 00:01:14,680 --> 00:01:20,720 Speaker 1: relationship with yourself is the foundation for all other relationships. 15 00:01:20,760 --> 00:01:23,840 Speaker 1: And the question on the floor today is would you 16 00:01:24,680 --> 00:01:29,400 Speaker 1: date you? Would you date you? I mean, are you 17 00:01:29,480 --> 00:01:31,760 Speaker 1: the kind of person that you would want to be with? 18 00:01:31,959 --> 00:01:35,520 Speaker 1: And if so, why and if not why not? And 19 00:01:35,600 --> 00:01:38,640 Speaker 1: I guess you can look at the last few dates 20 00:01:38,680 --> 00:01:42,040 Speaker 1: that you've had, or the last few relationships that you've had, 21 00:01:42,480 --> 00:01:45,600 Speaker 1: and look at how it worked out. And how you 22 00:01:45,720 --> 00:01:49,200 Speaker 1: behaved and what made it healthy, what made it fun, 23 00:01:49,520 --> 00:01:55,160 Speaker 1: and what tanked it. You know, because your relationship with 24 00:01:55,240 --> 00:02:00,360 Speaker 1: yourself is so critical, is so important, and that is 25 00:02:00,480 --> 00:02:04,560 Speaker 1: the let me say, the training ground for how you 26 00:02:04,840 --> 00:02:09,280 Speaker 1: teach other people how to treat you. It helps you 27 00:02:09,360 --> 00:02:12,320 Speaker 1: see how you treat other people, how you treat yourself 28 00:02:12,360 --> 00:02:16,000 Speaker 1: in the company of other people. And so very often 29 00:02:16,080 --> 00:02:19,640 Speaker 1: we want someone to come into our lives and bring 30 00:02:19,720 --> 00:02:22,560 Speaker 1: us something we think we don't have. But if you 31 00:02:22,720 --> 00:02:26,520 Speaker 1: don't have it, chances are you really won't even be 32 00:02:26,520 --> 00:02:29,440 Speaker 1: able to recognize it when you get it. Or maybe 33 00:02:29,480 --> 00:02:32,480 Speaker 1: you want it for the war on reasons. Maybe you're 34 00:02:32,800 --> 00:02:35,360 Speaker 1: looking for someone to do for you or do to 35 00:02:35,560 --> 00:02:39,359 Speaker 1: you what you need to do for and to yourself. 36 00:02:39,480 --> 00:02:43,919 Speaker 1: Would you date you? I had to really think about that, 37 00:02:44,520 --> 00:02:47,960 Speaker 1: and I would say right now, I wouldn't date me 38 00:02:48,440 --> 00:02:52,520 Speaker 1: because I got too much going on. I'm too busy, 39 00:02:52,919 --> 00:02:56,679 Speaker 1: I don't have time. I have to remember to take 40 00:02:56,720 --> 00:02:59,320 Speaker 1: care of myself. I have to remember to carve time 41 00:02:59,320 --> 00:03:02,800 Speaker 1: out for myself, and I'm doing that pretty well. But 42 00:03:02,919 --> 00:03:05,760 Speaker 1: I tell you, I don't have room and space for 43 00:03:05,840 --> 00:03:08,720 Speaker 1: anybody else right now. I don't have room in space 44 00:03:08,760 --> 00:03:11,239 Speaker 1: to talk to you. I don't care about your problems. 45 00:03:11,560 --> 00:03:14,120 Speaker 1: I don't care what it is that you're going through. 46 00:03:14,680 --> 00:03:19,600 Speaker 1: So I've just kind of extracted myself from the dating field, 47 00:03:19,720 --> 00:03:23,000 Speaker 1: from the dating pool, because right now I would not 48 00:03:23,240 --> 00:03:29,000 Speaker 1: date me. I don't have the wherewithal to give the 49 00:03:29,040 --> 00:03:33,440 Speaker 1: time and attention and energy to a relationship with another person. 50 00:03:34,200 --> 00:03:40,480 Speaker 1: And until I become more solid, more fluid, more how 51 00:03:40,520 --> 00:03:45,360 Speaker 1: can I say more attentive to me, It's not fair 52 00:03:45,400 --> 00:03:48,840 Speaker 1: to bring anybody else into my life right now. So 53 00:03:49,280 --> 00:03:53,360 Speaker 1: that's just my take on it. I'm not dating material 54 00:03:53,480 --> 00:03:56,280 Speaker 1: right now. I will be, and let me say this, 55 00:03:57,200 --> 00:04:01,440 Speaker 1: it is by choice. I am making the choice to 56 00:04:01,600 --> 00:04:05,760 Speaker 1: extract myself from the dating field knowing everything that I 57 00:04:05,800 --> 00:04:08,440 Speaker 1: have going on in my life, and those things are 58 00:04:08,520 --> 00:04:12,160 Speaker 1: my priorities right now. So I'm not going to try 59 00:04:12,160 --> 00:04:15,560 Speaker 1: to squeeze anybody in and ask them to align themselves 60 00:04:15,600 --> 00:04:19,280 Speaker 1: with my schedule and what I'm doing, because that's just 61 00:04:19,320 --> 00:04:23,080 Speaker 1: not fair and it's not kind, it's not loving, and 62 00:04:23,880 --> 00:04:26,479 Speaker 1: I don't want my hair on fire trying to catch 63 00:04:26,560 --> 00:04:31,279 Speaker 1: up with somebody else. So that's me, okay, and I'm 64 00:04:31,279 --> 00:04:35,240 Speaker 1: being perfectly honest about it. That's just where I am 65 00:04:35,360 --> 00:04:38,760 Speaker 1: right now, and it's okay to be there. And when 66 00:04:38,760 --> 00:04:42,200 Speaker 1: I get ready to shift and change, then I'll shift 67 00:04:42,240 --> 00:04:45,640 Speaker 1: and change. But until then, I am not a good 68 00:04:45,760 --> 00:04:51,760 Speaker 1: dating prospect. But I've got some callers who say that 69 00:04:51,800 --> 00:04:55,839 Speaker 1: they are. So the question on the floor is would 70 00:04:55,839 --> 00:04:58,839 Speaker 1: you date you? Think about that and let me know. 71 00:04:59,480 --> 00:05:06,520 Speaker 1: Here's my caller. Greetings, we love it, and welcome to 72 00:05:06,680 --> 00:05:10,360 Speaker 1: the art spot. We're taking a twist today on your 73 00:05:10,400 --> 00:05:13,920 Speaker 1: relationship with yourself, and the question on the floor is 74 00:05:14,279 --> 00:05:17,560 Speaker 1: would you date you? Hi? 75 00:05:18,720 --> 00:05:21,800 Speaker 2: I would, mister Yanner. I would be outside of my 76 00:05:21,880 --> 00:05:27,360 Speaker 2: house with a boombox and playing romantic music and I 77 00:05:27,400 --> 00:05:29,880 Speaker 2: would run across my own arms into the beach if 78 00:05:29,920 --> 00:05:30,240 Speaker 2: I could. 79 00:05:32,360 --> 00:05:36,680 Speaker 1: Yeah. Okay, So you're having a good You're having a good, 80 00:05:36,720 --> 00:05:38,760 Speaker 1: healthy relationship with yourself, I think. 81 00:05:38,800 --> 00:05:43,479 Speaker 2: So. I'm I'm really I work with kids, so I 82 00:05:43,520 --> 00:05:46,520 Speaker 2: kind of have the training to just be gentle, and 83 00:05:46,560 --> 00:05:49,160 Speaker 2: I'm really good about being diferent with myself and being 84 00:05:49,200 --> 00:05:53,200 Speaker 2: patient with myself and being understanding. And I cry a lot, 85 00:05:53,400 --> 00:05:56,160 Speaker 2: so I've had to kind of come to terms that 86 00:05:56,200 --> 00:06:00,080 Speaker 2: I have to let myself cry and you know, all 87 00:06:00,080 --> 00:06:02,039 Speaker 2: of that good stuff. So I'm really I have a 88 00:06:02,080 --> 00:06:06,400 Speaker 2: really wonderful relationship with myself. I love me, I'm okay 89 00:06:06,400 --> 00:06:08,920 Speaker 2: to me. I'm the blueprint, I'm the ape girl, I'm 90 00:06:08,920 --> 00:06:09,640 Speaker 2: my dream girl. 91 00:06:10,920 --> 00:06:16,920 Speaker 1: Right so what would make you fun to date or 92 00:06:17,000 --> 00:06:19,080 Speaker 1: what would make you good to date? Let me ask 93 00:06:19,120 --> 00:06:21,000 Speaker 1: this question. Are you dating right now? 94 00:06:21,040 --> 00:06:23,839 Speaker 2: I am fresh out of a relationship. 95 00:06:25,880 --> 00:06:31,560 Speaker 1: Oh yum yum. Oh. Do tell what happened. 96 00:06:32,680 --> 00:06:36,080 Speaker 2: We were together for six years. We were best friends. 97 00:06:36,120 --> 00:06:41,120 Speaker 2: I wanted the love of my life and he. 98 00:06:41,480 --> 00:06:42,080 Speaker 1: Told me. 99 00:06:43,520 --> 00:06:45,880 Speaker 2: A few years ago we broke up with me. So 100 00:06:45,880 --> 00:06:48,000 Speaker 2: it was a very on and off agaven relationship for 101 00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:51,800 Speaker 2: a long time, maybe four of those six years. And 102 00:06:51,920 --> 00:06:57,080 Speaker 2: he told me maybe three years ago that I wasn't 103 00:06:57,960 --> 00:07:03,200 Speaker 2: the one and I'm devastatus. And I didn't he said that, 104 00:07:03,240 --> 00:07:05,320 Speaker 2: and I said okay, and I packed up you know, 105 00:07:05,480 --> 00:07:08,400 Speaker 2: my stuff, and I left. I didn't call, I didn't text. 106 00:07:08,520 --> 00:07:11,120 Speaker 2: You only have to tell me one time that I'm 107 00:07:11,160 --> 00:07:17,160 Speaker 2: not it. And months go by, four months go by, 108 00:07:17,560 --> 00:07:20,160 Speaker 2: and he texted me, He's like, I miss you, and 109 00:07:20,240 --> 00:07:22,040 Speaker 2: you know, I'm like, I miss you too, And so 110 00:07:22,280 --> 00:07:25,040 Speaker 2: right back to and you know, going back and forth. 111 00:07:25,160 --> 00:07:29,080 Speaker 2: And I stayed a lot longer than I should have, 112 00:07:32,200 --> 00:07:37,160 Speaker 2: and recently in January. It was a lot, and it 113 00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:40,840 Speaker 2: took a lot, but I moved from Atlanta where we were, 114 00:07:40,920 --> 00:07:44,800 Speaker 2: to Houston. I just I was, I don't know, like 115 00:07:44,880 --> 00:07:47,680 Speaker 2: someone being unsure about me was really starting to take 116 00:07:47,680 --> 00:07:51,280 Speaker 2: a toll on me and going back to someone who 117 00:07:51,840 --> 00:07:56,040 Speaker 2: told me that I wasn't. It was a lot and 118 00:07:56,080 --> 00:08:01,040 Speaker 2: I was really embarrassed. I'm embarrassed now, I finally, Oh, 119 00:08:01,120 --> 00:08:05,200 Speaker 2: don't be embarrassed. I feel like the embarrassment comes from, 120 00:08:05,320 --> 00:08:09,600 Speaker 2: how do you love someone so much who doesn't feel 121 00:08:09,600 --> 00:08:13,360 Speaker 2: like that about you? Like that sucks, that's a terrible feeling. 122 00:08:13,560 --> 00:08:16,160 Speaker 1: Yeah, take a wait a minute, take take a breath. 123 00:08:16,200 --> 00:08:24,600 Speaker 1: Take a breath, Take a brauh, take a breath. How 124 00:08:24,640 --> 00:08:30,840 Speaker 1: do you love someone so much who doesn't love you 125 00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:33,520 Speaker 1: the same way? What did you love? 126 00:08:34,840 --> 00:08:35,040 Speaker 2: Oh? 127 00:08:35,120 --> 00:08:35,600 Speaker 3: Everything? 128 00:08:35,600 --> 00:08:37,280 Speaker 1: We were best friends. 129 00:08:37,360 --> 00:08:40,479 Speaker 2: He made me laugh, he was funny, he was interesting, 130 00:08:40,679 --> 00:08:43,280 Speaker 2: he cooked me dinner, He was really romantic. He was 131 00:08:43,400 --> 00:08:48,800 Speaker 2: really like all my boxes he checked off everything, everything, 132 00:08:50,040 --> 00:08:51,280 Speaker 2: And so no. 133 00:08:51,559 --> 00:08:55,160 Speaker 1: He did not, he did not check off everything because 134 00:08:55,240 --> 00:08:59,320 Speaker 1: your your love for him wasn't reciprocated. So is that 135 00:08:59,360 --> 00:09:00,760 Speaker 1: what you wanted someone. 136 00:09:02,040 --> 00:09:07,480 Speaker 2: That came later? Like that's that is really new? That 137 00:09:07,520 --> 00:09:12,880 Speaker 2: came later. You know, in the beginning, right, first three years, 138 00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:18,440 Speaker 2: I was I was so certain someone I would bet 139 00:09:18,520 --> 00:09:20,840 Speaker 2: the lottery that we were going to get married and 140 00:09:20,840 --> 00:09:24,080 Speaker 2: be together. I was so certain. So to find out 141 00:09:24,640 --> 00:09:28,120 Speaker 2: later they're all the you know, breaking up and getting 142 00:09:28,160 --> 00:09:31,160 Speaker 2: back together and all that stuff, that that's not how 143 00:09:31,200 --> 00:09:36,440 Speaker 2: he felt. That was That was devastatingly embarrassing. How did 144 00:09:36,440 --> 00:09:40,640 Speaker 2: I get here? Right there? There are sides someone isn't 145 00:09:40,840 --> 00:09:42,240 Speaker 2: in love with you or doesn't want to be with 146 00:09:42,280 --> 00:09:46,600 Speaker 2: you their side, and maybe I'm just like delusional. I 147 00:09:46,640 --> 00:09:48,960 Speaker 2: didn't catch any of that, but it caught me on guard. 148 00:09:52,120 --> 00:09:54,600 Speaker 1: Well did he say why? Did he say? Why you 149 00:09:54,679 --> 00:09:57,360 Speaker 1: weren't the one? Well, you know what, it doesn't matter. 150 00:09:57,800 --> 00:09:59,440 Speaker 1: Forget that, it doesn't even matter. 151 00:10:00,679 --> 00:10:04,840 Speaker 2: And it took me a long time to leave. I 152 00:10:04,880 --> 00:10:07,000 Speaker 2: stayed a lot longer than I should have, just because 153 00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:10,360 Speaker 2: of all the things, right, all the emotional connection that 154 00:10:10,400 --> 00:10:13,559 Speaker 2: we had and sex was amazing and all that stuff. 155 00:10:13,600 --> 00:10:15,559 Speaker 2: I stayed a lot longer than I should have. And 156 00:10:15,760 --> 00:10:20,240 Speaker 2: finally I left in January. And leaving is hard, but 157 00:10:20,440 --> 00:10:23,400 Speaker 2: staying gone is ten times harder. 158 00:10:25,280 --> 00:10:26,800 Speaker 1: But yeah, gone. 159 00:10:27,080 --> 00:10:29,160 Speaker 2: I don't want someone to settle for me. I don't 160 00:10:29,160 --> 00:10:30,960 Speaker 2: deserve that. Like I said, I am the love of 161 00:10:30,960 --> 00:10:34,480 Speaker 2: my life. I someone should be outside with a boombox, 162 00:10:34,600 --> 00:10:40,079 Speaker 2: like play me music and buy me flowers. And so 163 00:10:40,800 --> 00:10:45,400 Speaker 2: I had to love myself enough, which is also people 164 00:10:45,440 --> 00:10:47,960 Speaker 2: make it sound so easy. It's hard and it's lonely 165 00:10:48,120 --> 00:10:52,760 Speaker 2: to love yourself. And I left. 166 00:10:52,480 --> 00:10:56,079 Speaker 1: I don't think it's lonely. I don't think it's lonely. 167 00:10:56,480 --> 00:11:00,600 Speaker 1: I mean, if you're loving yourself and you're occupied yourself. 168 00:11:01,400 --> 00:11:03,560 Speaker 1: I want to say two things to you. Number one, 169 00:11:04,360 --> 00:11:07,200 Speaker 1: First of all, thank you for sharing, because I do 170 00:11:07,360 --> 00:11:10,720 Speaker 1: hear that it's fresh. And when I asked the question 171 00:11:11,240 --> 00:11:14,760 Speaker 1: would you date you? My answer for you would be 172 00:11:14,840 --> 00:11:27,760 Speaker 1: not right now? Not right now, okay, because you don't 173 00:11:27,800 --> 00:11:30,040 Speaker 1: want to be weeping on your new date shoulder. 174 00:11:30,200 --> 00:11:34,040 Speaker 2: Okay, you know, taking a year off. I just need 175 00:11:34,559 --> 00:11:38,640 Speaker 2: my heart and my brain and my soul to just reset. 176 00:11:40,240 --> 00:11:42,120 Speaker 1: So where are you with him right now? 177 00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:45,480 Speaker 2: He text me on Monday, and I was so excited 178 00:11:45,480 --> 00:11:48,680 Speaker 2: that he text me, and then I don't know, like 179 00:11:48,760 --> 00:11:54,080 Speaker 2: the sparkle was gone, right, there's something about I did, 180 00:11:54,240 --> 00:11:59,120 Speaker 2: I responded, it's so it's I don't know how to 181 00:11:59,200 --> 00:12:03,160 Speaker 2: describe it. Tried to like argue with him, and it 182 00:12:03,280 --> 00:12:06,120 Speaker 2: just didn't It wasn't the same. The sparkle was gone, 183 00:12:06,320 --> 00:12:10,439 Speaker 2: the passion was gone. The maybe it's just I took 184 00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:12,560 Speaker 2: him off the pedal stool and I saw him for 185 00:12:12,640 --> 00:12:15,480 Speaker 2: who like for, you know, and I just didn't say 186 00:12:15,480 --> 00:12:19,240 Speaker 2: anything back, and I don't plan to. I'm ready to 187 00:12:19,280 --> 00:12:21,800 Speaker 2: move on. I'm I'm over it. I've cried a lot. 188 00:12:22,120 --> 00:12:27,360 Speaker 2: I'm oh God, I I cry everything. So I cry 189 00:12:27,400 --> 00:12:30,680 Speaker 2: a lot, and I've cried a lot over the past 190 00:12:31,800 --> 00:12:32,800 Speaker 2: three years. 191 00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:35,800 Speaker 1: What did you cry about? Tell me what you cried about. 192 00:12:36,360 --> 00:12:41,000 Speaker 2: He started doing this thing where we would everything is fine, 193 00:12:41,280 --> 00:12:47,000 Speaker 2: we're fine, we're great, and then he would get upset 194 00:12:47,040 --> 00:12:50,960 Speaker 2: with me or hurt or his you know, irritated, and 195 00:12:51,000 --> 00:12:52,280 Speaker 2: he would say to me, well, I don't want to 196 00:12:52,320 --> 00:12:58,360 Speaker 2: be with you anyway, and I would. The first few 197 00:12:58,360 --> 00:13:03,520 Speaker 2: times he did that, I didn't know how to take it, 198 00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:06,679 Speaker 2: and so we would argue about it. There's nothing to 199 00:13:06,760 --> 00:13:08,520 Speaker 2: argue about. Someone tells you didn't want to be with you. 200 00:13:08,559 --> 00:13:12,760 Speaker 2: But we would argue about it and eventually stopped talking, 201 00:13:12,920 --> 00:13:15,800 Speaker 2: and you know, he would I, I'm sorry, I said that. 202 00:13:15,920 --> 00:13:19,079 Speaker 2: I didn't mean it to get back together. And then 203 00:13:19,679 --> 00:13:21,320 Speaker 2: a lot of the tears came from in those in 204 00:13:21,400 --> 00:13:25,000 Speaker 2: between moments, waiting for him to text me, knowing if 205 00:13:25,080 --> 00:13:27,080 Speaker 2: you know what was going to happen next. I didn't 206 00:13:27,080 --> 00:13:29,760 Speaker 2: know what was going to happen next. I mean I knew, 207 00:13:29,800 --> 00:13:32,480 Speaker 2: but in the moment, my anxiety was like, oh my god, 208 00:13:32,480 --> 00:13:33,959 Speaker 2: you don't know, you don't know, you don't know, he's 209 00:13:34,000 --> 00:13:36,360 Speaker 2: never gonna text you again. And then, of course, and 210 00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:39,160 Speaker 2: then we would get back together, and I cried a 211 00:13:39,160 --> 00:13:45,120 Speaker 2: lot because my brain, my soul knew that that's not 212 00:13:45,240 --> 00:13:49,959 Speaker 2: what I wanted, That's not how I wanted to be treated. 213 00:13:50,320 --> 00:13:52,600 Speaker 2: He'd never treated me like that before. So I don't 214 00:13:52,600 --> 00:13:57,000 Speaker 2: know what happened with him, but I cried a lot 215 00:13:57,040 --> 00:14:00,000 Speaker 2: about what I deserved and what I saw I deserved. 216 00:14:00,760 --> 00:14:03,520 Speaker 2: And then you would call me, if you would text me, 217 00:14:03,559 --> 00:14:05,719 Speaker 2: and I would perk right back up and take him 218 00:14:05,760 --> 00:14:09,280 Speaker 2: right back. And so it was a lot of back 219 00:14:09,320 --> 00:14:12,679 Speaker 2: and forth, which leads me to believe, like, you're unsure 220 00:14:12,720 --> 00:14:15,280 Speaker 2: about me. And then I started crying about that that 221 00:14:15,520 --> 00:14:18,560 Speaker 2: I was so in love with someone who was unsure 222 00:14:18,600 --> 00:14:23,520 Speaker 2: about me. I'm so tired of crying. I'm surprised that 223 00:14:23,800 --> 00:14:25,960 Speaker 2: crying is not the issue that. 224 00:14:28,080 --> 00:14:31,600 Speaker 1: You know this dating, six years of dating brings to 225 00:14:31,680 --> 00:14:34,800 Speaker 1: the surface what it brings to the surface. And I 226 00:14:34,840 --> 00:14:39,520 Speaker 1: say that because you kept going back, is an unconscious belief. 227 00:14:41,520 --> 00:14:46,280 Speaker 1: He's showing you an unconscious belief that you may have. 228 00:14:46,440 --> 00:14:49,840 Speaker 1: It could be I'm unlovable, or I can't have what 229 00:14:49,960 --> 00:14:52,800 Speaker 1: I want, or this is too good to be true. 230 00:14:52,840 --> 00:14:57,400 Speaker 1: That's a good one. This is too good to be true, 231 00:14:57,600 --> 00:15:00,160 Speaker 1: And so you're going to keep trying to prove to 232 00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:04,800 Speaker 1: yourself it's too good to be true. You know, he's wonderful, 233 00:15:04,840 --> 00:15:07,600 Speaker 1: we get along, we have fun, but he doesn't want me. 234 00:15:08,600 --> 00:15:13,880 Speaker 1: So that's an unconscious belief that keeps coming up. And 235 00:15:13,920 --> 00:15:18,920 Speaker 1: it's up so that you can heal it. And I 236 00:15:18,920 --> 00:15:22,800 Speaker 1: would ask you, who's crying? Are you the grown adult 237 00:15:22,840 --> 00:15:26,640 Speaker 1: woman crying or is there a little person in there 238 00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:29,560 Speaker 1: a part of your consciousness. I don't know if daddy left, 239 00:15:29,600 --> 00:15:33,880 Speaker 1: mommy left, somebody died, maybe between the ages of six 240 00:15:33,880 --> 00:15:37,560 Speaker 1: and nine, that this thing keeps showing up. 241 00:15:37,960 --> 00:15:42,360 Speaker 2: Dad, my dad didn't die, but my dog was. My 242 00:15:42,440 --> 00:15:43,480 Speaker 2: dad was in and out of jail. 243 00:15:45,640 --> 00:15:50,320 Speaker 1: Okay, there you go, hold it right there, there, it is, 244 00:15:50,560 --> 00:15:55,080 Speaker 1: that's it, right there. Stay tuned. We'll be right back, 245 00:16:00,480 --> 00:16:06,400 Speaker 1: welcome back to the R spot. How many tapes or 246 00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:10,440 Speaker 1: recordings of that play in your mind? I can't trust that. 247 00:16:10,440 --> 00:16:11,800 Speaker 1: I don't know if he's going to stay. I don't 248 00:16:11,800 --> 00:16:13,480 Speaker 1: know if he's going to be here. It could be 249 00:16:13,520 --> 00:16:16,800 Speaker 1: any number from zero to infinity. How many tapes of 250 00:16:16,840 --> 00:16:17,520 Speaker 1: that do you have? 251 00:16:18,480 --> 00:16:22,520 Speaker 2: This is complicated. My mom and my dad were together, 252 00:16:22,520 --> 00:16:28,080 Speaker 2: they're married, and when I was five, my mom moved 253 00:16:28,200 --> 00:16:33,600 Speaker 2: from Ohio where she was, to Hawaii and she took 254 00:16:33,640 --> 00:16:34,280 Speaker 2: me and myself. 255 00:16:34,240 --> 00:16:38,560 Speaker 1: So you moved, So you moved from Atlanta to Houston, 256 00:16:38,720 --> 00:16:43,800 Speaker 1: repeating mommy's pattern. Go ahead, So my. 257 00:16:43,800 --> 00:16:46,240 Speaker 2: Mom moved to Hawaii. She took me and my sisters, 258 00:16:46,240 --> 00:16:48,040 Speaker 2: and she just always said she just wanted to get 259 00:16:48,120 --> 00:16:50,880 Speaker 2: as far away from my dad as possible. From what 260 00:16:50,920 --> 00:16:54,000 Speaker 2: I understand from the child, you know, being the child, 261 00:16:54,120 --> 00:16:56,440 Speaker 2: is that he was abusive. I don't you know, I 262 00:16:56,440 --> 00:16:59,360 Speaker 2: don't remember seeing any of that, hearing it, but that 263 00:16:59,440 --> 00:17:01,920 Speaker 2: was hers were old enough that he was abusive, and 264 00:17:01,960 --> 00:17:04,080 Speaker 2: she just he was in an out of jail. And 265 00:17:04,119 --> 00:17:07,480 Speaker 2: so when we lived in Hawaii, I do vividly remember 266 00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:09,200 Speaker 2: him being in and out of jail, and he would 267 00:17:09,240 --> 00:17:16,640 Speaker 2: call sometimes and as we got older. If he wasn't 268 00:17:16,680 --> 00:17:21,680 Speaker 2: in jail, we would call and he would say, I'll 269 00:17:21,720 --> 00:17:24,880 Speaker 2: call you back, and we'd say okay, and he'd never 270 00:17:24,920 --> 00:17:28,880 Speaker 2: call back. And so I remember telegram. 271 00:17:28,920 --> 00:17:31,920 Speaker 1: So wait a minute, hold right there, hole, right there? 272 00:17:32,640 --> 00:17:34,560 Speaker 1: Is he gonna text? Is he gonna call? Is he 273 00:17:34,600 --> 00:17:37,359 Speaker 1: gonna text? Is it gonna call? Do you see the 274 00:17:37,359 --> 00:17:45,520 Speaker 1: pattern from daddy to mister wonderful, I'll call it, mister wonderful. 275 00:17:46,280 --> 00:17:53,439 Speaker 1: Do you see the pattern? So you've just recreated your 276 00:17:53,520 --> 00:17:58,399 Speaker 1: dad and that relationship. So that requires a change of heart. 277 00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:04,399 Speaker 1: My heart was broken a long time ago, and you 278 00:18:04,560 --> 00:18:09,280 Speaker 1: just keep digging into that break. So let's say from 279 00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:14,760 Speaker 1: five when you move to Hawaii to now, let's say 280 00:18:14,880 --> 00:18:20,120 Speaker 1: there are five million tapes of is he gonna call? 281 00:18:20,280 --> 00:18:21,960 Speaker 1: Is he not gonna call? Is he gonna call? Is 282 00:18:21,960 --> 00:18:25,120 Speaker 1: he not gonna call? Let's you know he's not gonna call. 283 00:18:25,160 --> 00:18:34,080 Speaker 1: He doesn't want me. I'm not the one. Take a breath, 284 00:18:36,040 --> 00:18:40,919 Speaker 1: Take a breath. Come on, So does five million tapes 285 00:18:40,920 --> 00:18:42,720 Speaker 1: off he doesn't want me? Sound about right? 286 00:18:42,880 --> 00:18:45,280 Speaker 2: Is it more or less? 287 00:18:47,160 --> 00:18:51,119 Speaker 1: Okay? So let's let's say ten million a good number. 288 00:18:52,280 --> 00:18:57,400 Speaker 1: So that's ten million heartbreaks. That's ten million tiers. That's 289 00:18:57,440 --> 00:19:00,400 Speaker 1: ten million everything. If you could let that go, when 290 00:19:00,720 --> 00:19:06,000 Speaker 1: would you let it go today? Okay, you would let 291 00:19:06,080 --> 00:19:08,399 Speaker 1: it go right now today. So I want you to 292 00:19:08,440 --> 00:19:10,280 Speaker 1: do this. I want you to kind of settle into 293 00:19:10,320 --> 00:19:17,679 Speaker 1: where you are. I want you to take a deep breath. 294 00:19:17,680 --> 00:19:22,920 Speaker 1: In hold that breath, turn your head to your left shoulder. 295 00:19:24,960 --> 00:19:27,080 Speaker 1: Now I want you to exhale that breath and move 296 00:19:27,119 --> 00:19:29,600 Speaker 1: your head over to your right shoulder, letting go ten 297 00:19:29,720 --> 00:19:33,640 Speaker 1: million tapes. If he doesn't want me, bring your head 298 00:19:33,680 --> 00:19:38,720 Speaker 1: back to center. Let's do that again. In hell, deep, deep, deep, deep, 299 00:19:38,800 --> 00:19:42,560 Speaker 1: in hell. Turn your head over to your left shoulder 300 00:19:43,520 --> 00:19:46,639 Speaker 1: and think the start. Exhale and move your head to 301 00:19:46,680 --> 00:19:49,960 Speaker 1: your right shoulder. Think in I am releasing ten million tapes. 302 00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:54,080 Speaker 1: If he doesn't want me, bring your head back to center, 303 00:19:55,960 --> 00:19:58,760 Speaker 1: focus all of your tension and all of your energy, 304 00:19:59,040 --> 00:20:02,040 Speaker 1: all of your tension right in the center of your chest, 305 00:20:04,119 --> 00:20:09,000 Speaker 1: and in helle, hold that breath, hold this thought. I 306 00:20:09,119 --> 00:20:18,200 Speaker 1: forgive myself for believing I'm not wanted, And exhale again. 307 00:20:18,320 --> 00:20:20,960 Speaker 1: Focus all of your attention and the center of your chest, 308 00:20:22,080 --> 00:20:27,960 Speaker 1: and inhale and think this thought. I forgive myself for 309 00:20:28,000 --> 00:20:38,120 Speaker 1: believing he doesn't want me, I'm not the one. Exhale 310 00:20:38,280 --> 00:20:44,680 Speaker 1: one more time. Inhale, hold a thought. I forgive myself 311 00:20:44,800 --> 00:20:58,280 Speaker 1: for believing I'm not the one. He doesn't want me. Exhale. 312 00:20:58,960 --> 00:21:01,359 Speaker 1: Tell me what thoughts come up, doesn't They don't have 313 00:21:01,400 --> 00:21:03,560 Speaker 1: to make sense. Tell me what you're thinking, what you're 314 00:21:03,600 --> 00:21:04,600 Speaker 1: feeling right now. 315 00:21:07,680 --> 00:21:11,280 Speaker 2: It's kind of like I always kind of knew, did that? 316 00:21:11,880 --> 00:21:16,640 Speaker 2: I don't. I don't know. I feel like I knew 317 00:21:16,640 --> 00:21:21,520 Speaker 2: it wasn't gonna I don't know. 318 00:21:21,760 --> 00:21:26,400 Speaker 1: No, you didn't know. You believed. There's a distinction between 319 00:21:26,480 --> 00:21:31,120 Speaker 1: knowing and believing, because when you know, your behavior changes. 320 00:21:31,960 --> 00:21:37,399 Speaker 1: And see that little girl didn't know if Daddy was 321 00:21:37,440 --> 00:21:41,040 Speaker 1: gonna call, but she believed he wouldn't based on experience. 322 00:21:42,800 --> 00:21:46,600 Speaker 1: She believed he wouldn't call. And it's hard Daddy's saying 323 00:21:46,640 --> 00:21:49,080 Speaker 1: he's called. You want to believe him, but you're fighting 324 00:21:49,160 --> 00:21:53,080 Speaker 1: within yourself against yourself. He ain't gonna call. Yes, he'll call, 325 00:21:53,520 --> 00:21:55,960 Speaker 1: Maybe he'll call, Maybe he'll call the stop. It's the 326 00:21:56,000 --> 00:21:58,639 Speaker 1: same thing you did with mister wonderful. Is he gonna 327 00:21:58,640 --> 00:22:02,240 Speaker 1: text me? Maybe he's gonna tell. But you were hiking 328 00:22:02,400 --> 00:22:10,560 Speaker 1: that expectation on your experience with Daddy does that make sense? 329 00:22:11,280 --> 00:22:13,760 Speaker 2: So is it like self saptage? 330 00:22:16,600 --> 00:22:19,360 Speaker 1: No, No, you're not gonna beat yourself up about it. 331 00:22:19,359 --> 00:22:25,960 Speaker 1: It's a learned behavior. It's a learned behavior because you 332 00:22:26,000 --> 00:22:28,560 Speaker 1: couldn't when Daddy said I'll call you. You couldn't say 333 00:22:28,560 --> 00:22:30,880 Speaker 1: you're a damn liar, you're not gonna call. Shut up. 334 00:22:30,920 --> 00:22:36,080 Speaker 1: You couldn't say that, stop telling me that stupidness. You're 335 00:22:36,080 --> 00:22:41,399 Speaker 1: not gonna call. And that little girl, because she is 336 00:22:41,440 --> 00:22:44,359 Speaker 1: a little girl, she wants Daddy to call, so she 337 00:22:44,920 --> 00:22:48,800 Speaker 1: has to believe that he's gonna call, even though her 338 00:22:49,000 --> 00:22:52,800 Speaker 1: knowing was he's not gonna call. But then she wants 339 00:22:52,840 --> 00:22:55,560 Speaker 1: to know why why won't he call? What's the matter 340 00:22:55,600 --> 00:22:57,920 Speaker 1: with me? Why is he always in jail? Why isn't 341 00:22:57,920 --> 00:23:02,200 Speaker 1: he here? Booed about it? So beloved, while you would 342 00:23:02,280 --> 00:23:11,439 Speaker 1: date you, I'd run screaming from the room until you 343 00:23:11,560 --> 00:23:14,760 Speaker 1: clean that up. And it's gonna take a change of heart, 344 00:23:15,359 --> 00:23:18,840 Speaker 1: that's all it is. It's your heart because on top 345 00:23:18,880 --> 00:23:21,919 Speaker 1: of all of this, just what you're saying about, mister wonderful, 346 00:23:22,320 --> 00:23:25,040 Speaker 1: is really what the little girl is saying about daddy. 347 00:23:25,480 --> 00:23:29,560 Speaker 1: But I love him, But why isn't he here? I 348 00:23:29,560 --> 00:23:32,080 Speaker 1: didn't know he didn't abuse mommy. I didn't see that. 349 00:23:32,119 --> 00:23:34,840 Speaker 1: I don't know. Why isn't he here? Why am I 350 00:23:35,000 --> 00:23:37,720 Speaker 1: not good enough? Why am I not important enough? Why 351 00:23:37,720 --> 00:23:40,200 Speaker 1: does he have to keep going to jail? And mister 352 00:23:40,240 --> 00:23:42,880 Speaker 1: wonderful is well, why doesn't he want me? Why does 353 00:23:42,880 --> 00:23:45,400 Speaker 1: he think I'm not the one? You know, that's what 354 00:23:45,440 --> 00:23:47,560 Speaker 1: she's asking. You're just repeating that pattern. 355 00:23:49,040 --> 00:23:50,400 Speaker 2: So how do you change your heart? 356 00:23:53,000 --> 00:23:56,359 Speaker 1: Just what you just did. You breathe it in, you 357 00:23:56,440 --> 00:24:00,240 Speaker 1: get that frequency, and then you let it go. You know, 358 00:24:00,280 --> 00:24:02,159 Speaker 1: we're living in a time when you can do it 359 00:24:02,200 --> 00:24:07,000 Speaker 1: by word of mouth. You got to flex your muscles. 360 00:24:07,760 --> 00:24:10,800 Speaker 1: You got to flex your muscles and set the intention. 361 00:24:11,280 --> 00:24:16,560 Speaker 1: It is my intention to release the ten million tapes 362 00:24:16,560 --> 00:24:19,840 Speaker 1: of he doesn't want me, I'm not the one, I'm 363 00:24:19,840 --> 00:24:26,240 Speaker 1: not good enough, whatever it is, whatever it is, because 364 00:24:26,359 --> 00:24:30,320 Speaker 1: your story, which is probably some of your mother's story 365 00:24:30,480 --> 00:24:35,520 Speaker 1: and her mother's story, is you know you're not good enough, 366 00:24:35,560 --> 00:24:39,040 Speaker 1: You're not important. You can't have what you want. I 367 00:24:39,119 --> 00:24:44,720 Speaker 1: don't know. You know you have to do that? Yeah, 368 00:24:45,400 --> 00:24:50,960 Speaker 1: so so well that right now? Not right now? Not 369 00:24:51,119 --> 00:24:55,520 Speaker 1: right now, because I hear you saying you know that 370 00:24:55,560 --> 00:25:01,680 Speaker 1: you're great, your your good to be with your gentle. 371 00:25:02,160 --> 00:25:04,159 Speaker 1: You know, you work with children, and if they're not 372 00:25:04,280 --> 00:25:07,240 Speaker 1: running screaming from the room, you know, chances are you 373 00:25:07,280 --> 00:25:10,520 Speaker 1: have a great loving heart. But your heart is broken 374 00:25:13,720 --> 00:25:17,880 Speaker 1: and Daddy's name is hooked on that break. So you've 375 00:25:17,880 --> 00:25:21,639 Speaker 1: got to clean that stuff up with Daddy. And you're 376 00:25:21,680 --> 00:25:24,760 Speaker 1: doing good on the outside, but the break is on 377 00:25:24,840 --> 00:25:29,840 Speaker 1: the inside. You can see from this pattern, and beloved, 378 00:25:29,880 --> 00:25:32,920 Speaker 1: here's the beauty of it. You did this with one person, 379 00:25:33,359 --> 00:25:36,359 Speaker 1: thank god, you know, because it could have been five 380 00:25:36,440 --> 00:25:39,280 Speaker 1: different ones and then you'd really be in trouble. But 381 00:25:39,359 --> 00:25:42,320 Speaker 1: this is this is a clean break in the heart. 382 00:25:43,320 --> 00:25:48,439 Speaker 1: So I would really want to encourage you to just 383 00:25:48,520 --> 00:25:54,040 Speaker 1: do that forgiveness work. I forgive myself for believing that 384 00:25:54,119 --> 00:25:57,600 Speaker 1: I'm not the one. I'm forgive myself for believing the 385 00:25:57,680 --> 00:26:00,440 Speaker 1: right one won't show up. I forgive myself for believing 386 00:26:01,119 --> 00:26:08,480 Speaker 1: I'm not good enough. You know, I forgive myself for 387 00:26:08,760 --> 00:26:16,040 Speaker 1: believing that he's not going to be here, or whatever 388 00:26:16,080 --> 00:26:18,440 Speaker 1: it is. You have to write down whatever it is 389 00:26:18,480 --> 00:26:22,960 Speaker 1: that you're really thinking about. You know, this doesn't mean 390 00:26:23,000 --> 00:26:26,000 Speaker 1: that you're not a good person. It may mean that 391 00:26:26,040 --> 00:26:29,400 Speaker 1: you're just not ready for that depth and see, the 392 00:26:29,400 --> 00:26:33,520 Speaker 1: more you loved him, mister Wonderful, the more the break 393 00:26:33,600 --> 00:26:38,679 Speaker 1: showed up. You just have to clean up that break 394 00:26:38,720 --> 00:26:46,880 Speaker 1: in your heart. That's all. So would you date you? Yes? 395 00:26:47,080 --> 00:26:54,040 Speaker 1: Not right now? You can do some really really radical 396 00:26:54,480 --> 00:27:04,320 Speaker 1: radical forgiveness. Radical forgiveness and not even forgiving daddy. It's 397 00:27:04,400 --> 00:27:08,679 Speaker 1: not even about forgiving daddy. It's about forgiving yourself for 398 00:27:08,840 --> 00:27:13,320 Speaker 1: believing what Daddy said and everything that you made up 399 00:27:13,760 --> 00:27:18,920 Speaker 1: based on Daddy's behavior. And don't believe that anything your 400 00:27:19,040 --> 00:27:23,760 Speaker 1: dad did or anything mister Wonderful did, has anything to 401 00:27:23,800 --> 00:27:29,119 Speaker 1: do with you. Mister Wonderful took six years of his 402 00:27:29,320 --> 00:27:33,560 Speaker 1: life to help you heal. And here's the thing. Here's 403 00:27:33,600 --> 00:27:47,439 Speaker 1: the thing people very often misunderstand relationships. Relationships come to 404 00:27:47,560 --> 00:27:51,560 Speaker 1: teach us, not to complete us. You're trying to be 405 00:27:51,720 --> 00:27:57,199 Speaker 1: completed that thing with daddy. And what this relationship with 406 00:27:57,320 --> 00:28:00,199 Speaker 1: mister Wonderful has done is it has taught you you 407 00:28:00,520 --> 00:28:03,560 Speaker 1: where the break is in your heart. Give thanks, be 408 00:28:03,640 --> 00:28:06,440 Speaker 1: grateful for that that you had to learn that with 409 00:28:06,600 --> 00:28:10,400 Speaker 1: one person, not with six. But you could have had 410 00:28:10,400 --> 00:28:13,320 Speaker 1: a new one every year and they all could have 411 00:28:13,400 --> 00:28:15,760 Speaker 1: left you, and then we'd be on this phone for 412 00:28:15,800 --> 00:28:18,399 Speaker 1: six hours instead of twenty two minutes. 413 00:28:20,520 --> 00:28:23,159 Speaker 2: I'm grateful that I get to talk to you and 414 00:28:23,200 --> 00:28:26,320 Speaker 2: thank you so much. I'm going to go upstairs and 415 00:28:26,400 --> 00:28:27,200 Speaker 2: have some ice cream. 416 00:28:27,240 --> 00:28:30,320 Speaker 1: I think, like I said, don't worry about mister Wonderful, 417 00:28:30,520 --> 00:28:35,280 Speaker 1: be grateful for him. Okay, I want to repeat that. 418 00:28:35,520 --> 00:28:39,640 Speaker 1: I want to repeat what I just shared with my guests. 419 00:28:41,960 --> 00:28:46,920 Speaker 1: People come into our lives to teach us, not to 420 00:28:47,120 --> 00:28:52,000 Speaker 1: complete us. And as long as you're thinking you need 421 00:28:52,040 --> 00:28:57,360 Speaker 1: somebody to complete you, you'll be dating and seeking and 422 00:28:57,400 --> 00:29:03,400 Speaker 1: looking and sleeping around for the wrong reasons. What is 423 00:29:03,520 --> 00:29:07,640 Speaker 1: this relationship teaching me about me that I can learn 424 00:29:07,720 --> 00:29:11,880 Speaker 1: to make me better? And if the relationship lasts, great, 425 00:29:12,040 --> 00:29:15,800 Speaker 1: and if it doesn't, great, But as long as you're 426 00:29:15,840 --> 00:29:19,880 Speaker 1: looking for somebody to complete you, please don't go dating. 427 00:29:20,480 --> 00:29:22,960 Speaker 1: Please don't you know, if you don't want to be 428 00:29:23,040 --> 00:29:25,640 Speaker 1: with you, why should anybody else want to be with 429 00:29:25,680 --> 00:29:29,959 Speaker 1: you if you think you're incomplete? If you are, you 430 00:29:30,000 --> 00:29:35,920 Speaker 1: don't even know what you're missing. Okay, stay tuned, we'll 431 00:29:35,960 --> 00:29:52,320 Speaker 1: be right back. Greetings, be love it, and welcome to 432 00:29:52,360 --> 00:29:54,960 Speaker 1: the r Spot. Our question on the floor today is 433 00:29:54,960 --> 00:29:58,000 Speaker 1: would you date you? If so, why and if not, 434 00:29:58,120 --> 00:30:07,000 Speaker 1: why not? I would date MEI, oh goodie, tell me why? 435 00:30:07,040 --> 00:30:07,320 Speaker 2: Well? 436 00:30:07,480 --> 00:30:11,920 Speaker 3: I think that I am a very loyal partner. I'm 437 00:30:12,040 --> 00:30:19,200 Speaker 3: very compassionate, and I love really hard and very caring. 438 00:30:19,520 --> 00:30:20,440 Speaker 3: So I would date me. 439 00:30:21,480 --> 00:30:25,320 Speaker 1: Mm. Okay, are you dating now? I'm not? 440 00:30:28,000 --> 00:30:39,840 Speaker 3: Why So? My biggest dilemma currently is getting over a 441 00:30:40,040 --> 00:30:46,680 Speaker 3: fear that I created about certain men, and how to 442 00:30:46,720 --> 00:30:50,760 Speaker 3: function in a relationship that's not toxic and that actually 443 00:30:50,840 --> 00:30:55,840 Speaker 3: serves me. I just came out of a free relationship 444 00:30:56,280 --> 00:31:02,200 Speaker 3: that didn't end too great, and so now I'm just 445 00:31:02,560 --> 00:31:04,440 Speaker 3: in a space where I'm ready to date again. I 446 00:31:04,520 --> 00:31:06,480 Speaker 3: just don't know how to go about it. 447 00:31:09,320 --> 00:31:13,719 Speaker 1: Okay, so you ended a three year relationship? How long ago? 448 00:31:14,640 --> 00:31:16,240 Speaker 3: About twelve months ago? 449 00:31:18,280 --> 00:31:20,960 Speaker 1: Okay, so you've been out of a relationship for a year, 450 00:31:23,840 --> 00:31:27,200 Speaker 1: and what did you What did you learn about you 451 00:31:27,400 --> 00:31:28,680 Speaker 1: in that relationship? 452 00:31:29,440 --> 00:31:33,080 Speaker 3: The biggest thing that I took away from that relationship 453 00:31:33,960 --> 00:31:37,800 Speaker 3: is that I can't force people to change, and I 454 00:31:37,840 --> 00:31:39,480 Speaker 3: can't heal people that don't. 455 00:31:39,360 --> 00:31:39,840 Speaker 2: Want to heal. 456 00:31:43,880 --> 00:31:46,800 Speaker 1: Well, why are you attracting people that need to be healed? 457 00:31:48,080 --> 00:31:51,760 Speaker 3: That's a good question, I think. 458 00:31:51,840 --> 00:31:53,160 Speaker 1: Do you have a good answer. 459 00:31:55,080 --> 00:31:59,800 Speaker 3: It has a lot to do with what I initially 460 00:32:00,880 --> 00:32:08,640 Speaker 3: thought my self worth was okay, and which I think 461 00:32:08,680 --> 00:32:12,040 Speaker 3: that I was deserving of having someone take care of me. 462 00:32:12,440 --> 00:32:15,480 Speaker 3: I always in the past felt like I should be 463 00:32:15,520 --> 00:32:17,680 Speaker 3: the one doing or being the caretaker. 464 00:32:20,480 --> 00:32:24,920 Speaker 1: Okay, Now, where did you pick up that notion. 465 00:32:24,760 --> 00:32:31,760 Speaker 3: From my dad? Because he definitely had a pattern within 466 00:32:31,880 --> 00:32:35,920 Speaker 3: his semi relationships of being the caretaker and always being 467 00:32:35,920 --> 00:32:38,760 Speaker 3: the one to handle things. So it's something that I've 468 00:32:38,800 --> 00:32:41,800 Speaker 3: watched him do growing up. And Natalie, I think I 469 00:32:41,960 --> 00:32:46,640 Speaker 3: just adapted into my lifestyle without even realizing I was 470 00:32:46,680 --> 00:32:49,680 Speaker 3: doing it in my relationship until recently. 471 00:32:50,440 --> 00:32:55,880 Speaker 1: Mmmm. So would you date you? Yes? Because you're loving, 472 00:32:55,960 --> 00:32:59,120 Speaker 1: you're loyal, you love hard, and you'll take care of people. 473 00:32:59,200 --> 00:33:01,240 Speaker 1: Do you get that that's going to attract to you 474 00:33:01,400 --> 00:33:03,239 Speaker 1: people that need to be taken care of? 475 00:33:04,240 --> 00:33:05,840 Speaker 3: Yeah? 476 00:33:06,600 --> 00:33:14,600 Speaker 1: Oh okay, So what's different now? What's different? You've been 477 00:33:14,600 --> 00:33:16,880 Speaker 1: out of this relationship a year. What's different? 478 00:33:17,760 --> 00:33:21,760 Speaker 3: I say, my confidence is one of the biggest things 479 00:33:21,760 --> 00:33:26,960 Speaker 3: that shifted. I'm actually doing the things that I say 480 00:33:27,000 --> 00:33:29,840 Speaker 3: that I'm going to do instead of saying I'm gonna 481 00:33:29,840 --> 00:33:34,720 Speaker 3: do it and then not putting action behind my words. 482 00:33:35,640 --> 00:33:43,320 Speaker 1: Mm hmmm. As the caregiver, As the care taker. You 483 00:33:43,360 --> 00:33:49,600 Speaker 1: know that's a very important word, care taker. Do you 484 00:33:49,880 --> 00:33:51,880 Speaker 1: know how to be cared for? 485 00:33:55,400 --> 00:34:00,320 Speaker 3: I don't think I fully know how to gain that space, to. 486 00:34:00,240 --> 00:34:07,200 Speaker 1: Be honest, Yeah, yeah, yeah, because that's what if you've shifted, 487 00:34:08,160 --> 00:34:12,160 Speaker 1: then what you'll probably attract as someone who wants to 488 00:34:12,160 --> 00:34:14,960 Speaker 1: take care of you. And the question becomes do you 489 00:34:15,040 --> 00:34:17,640 Speaker 1: know how to receive it? Or will you feel that 490 00:34:17,719 --> 00:34:20,880 Speaker 1: it's controlling? Will you feel that they're trying to dominate you? 491 00:34:21,040 --> 00:34:24,560 Speaker 1: Will you feel that you know this is too much? 492 00:34:25,200 --> 00:34:27,640 Speaker 1: Because when you've been on the giving end, it's hard 493 00:34:27,680 --> 00:34:32,080 Speaker 1: to be on the receiving end. So you're going to 494 00:34:32,160 --> 00:34:34,839 Speaker 1: have to walk through that just to just to get 495 00:34:34,840 --> 00:34:40,439 Speaker 1: that kind of balanced out. Okay, then you I heard 496 00:34:40,520 --> 00:34:44,680 Speaker 1: you say something about a fear you created. Tell me 497 00:34:44,719 --> 00:34:45,359 Speaker 1: more about that. 498 00:34:46,480 --> 00:34:50,959 Speaker 3: So I had kind of realized after leaving this relationship 499 00:34:51,160 --> 00:34:54,800 Speaker 3: that I had a fear that if I allowed myself 500 00:34:54,840 --> 00:34:58,560 Speaker 3: to be taking care of that I would be taken 501 00:34:58,600 --> 00:35:06,600 Speaker 3: advantage of. Oh there you go, so it looks like me. 502 00:35:06,800 --> 00:35:10,239 Speaker 1: Now, why would you think that? Why would you think 503 00:35:10,280 --> 00:35:15,680 Speaker 1: that if I allowed myself to be taken care of, 504 00:35:17,000 --> 00:35:21,759 Speaker 1: I'd be taking the advantage of How did you put 505 00:35:21,800 --> 00:35:22,400 Speaker 1: that together? 506 00:35:24,120 --> 00:35:29,160 Speaker 3: Honestly, I just think just watching certain scenarios play out 507 00:35:29,160 --> 00:35:34,759 Speaker 3: throughout my life it definitely impacted it at viewpoint. But 508 00:35:34,960 --> 00:35:40,760 Speaker 3: also feeling the need to be independent all the time. 509 00:35:43,120 --> 00:35:47,680 Speaker 1: Mm hm oh yeah, that's a sticky, wicked right there. 510 00:35:51,800 --> 00:35:56,840 Speaker 1: You need the need to be independent as opposed to interdependent. 511 00:36:00,080 --> 00:36:03,080 Speaker 1: So what in a relationship would it look like if 512 00:36:03,080 --> 00:36:05,520 Speaker 1: you were being taken advantage of? Do you know what 513 00:36:05,560 --> 00:36:06,319 Speaker 1: that would look like? 514 00:36:09,160 --> 00:36:10,040 Speaker 3: That's a good question. 515 00:36:13,480 --> 00:36:14,640 Speaker 1: Do you have a good answer. 516 00:36:17,440 --> 00:36:22,920 Speaker 3: I should say that it could potentially look like me 517 00:36:24,440 --> 00:36:34,080 Speaker 3: allowing someone to across the boundaries. Ah. 518 00:36:34,760 --> 00:36:43,600 Speaker 1: I just wrote on my paper clear boundaries. M hmm, 519 00:36:43,760 --> 00:36:45,400 Speaker 1: do you have clear boundaries? 520 00:36:45,920 --> 00:36:47,359 Speaker 3: It's something that I'm working on. 521 00:36:49,719 --> 00:36:53,319 Speaker 1: Were you taking care of in your previous relationship? 522 00:36:53,520 --> 00:36:57,680 Speaker 3: Not at all. I was literally doing everything and it 523 00:36:57,880 --> 00:37:01,120 Speaker 3: drained me and it was to the point where I 524 00:37:01,200 --> 00:37:05,240 Speaker 3: had to just leave and come back home. So within 525 00:37:05,320 --> 00:37:09,839 Speaker 3: that relationship, I was taken on a mothering role. Not 526 00:37:09,920 --> 00:37:12,759 Speaker 3: only did I become a mother from that relationship, but 527 00:37:12,840 --> 00:37:17,000 Speaker 3: even before I became a mother, I was mothering him 528 00:37:17,239 --> 00:37:22,360 Speaker 3: and also his other child that was from a previous relationship. 529 00:37:22,520 --> 00:37:25,520 Speaker 3: So I was not being taken care of. It ally 530 00:37:25,560 --> 00:37:32,080 Speaker 3: was doing all the nurturing and pourishment in that whole relationship. 531 00:37:33,800 --> 00:37:39,959 Speaker 1: And you didn't have clear boundaries, right, okay, So would 532 00:37:39,960 --> 00:37:42,360 Speaker 1: you date somebody that didn't have clear boundaries? 533 00:37:42,760 --> 00:37:42,880 Speaker 3: No? 534 00:37:45,160 --> 00:37:48,080 Speaker 1: Okay, but you don't have clear boundaries and you would 535 00:37:48,120 --> 00:37:48,440 Speaker 1: date you. 536 00:37:51,320 --> 00:37:54,120 Speaker 3: I mean I would still what date me, but it 537 00:37:54,120 --> 00:37:58,000 Speaker 3: would just be some things that I would be aware 538 00:37:58,040 --> 00:37:58,839 Speaker 3: of more aware of. 539 00:38:01,480 --> 00:38:05,880 Speaker 1: So what are you going to do about this fear 540 00:38:06,040 --> 00:38:08,360 Speaker 1: of being taken advantage of? Because I don't even know 541 00:38:08,400 --> 00:38:11,000 Speaker 1: what that looks like. If you've got clear boundaries, people 542 00:38:11,040 --> 00:38:13,759 Speaker 1: can't take advantage of you. How strong is your no? 543 00:38:15,960 --> 00:38:17,239 Speaker 3: I'm still working on date? 544 00:38:19,800 --> 00:38:21,960 Speaker 1: Oh boy, wrong as. 545 00:38:21,840 --> 00:38:22,680 Speaker 3: I would like you to. 546 00:38:25,280 --> 00:38:29,080 Speaker 1: Okay, So I'm gonna say, would you date you? Not 547 00:38:29,320 --> 00:38:37,200 Speaker 1: right now? I need a little work right here. I'm 548 00:38:37,239 --> 00:38:42,480 Speaker 1: gonna but you know, and then a date is a date. 549 00:38:43,120 --> 00:38:47,480 Speaker 1: It's not a permanent commitment in life forever. So you 550 00:38:47,600 --> 00:38:51,120 Speaker 1: may need to do some dating just to get clear 551 00:38:51,160 --> 00:38:55,480 Speaker 1: about your boundaries this to strengthen up your no. You know, 552 00:38:55,719 --> 00:38:58,560 Speaker 1: there's a difference between no, you can't do that and no, 553 00:38:58,760 --> 00:39:03,960 Speaker 1: thank you, I can do that for myself. To make 554 00:39:04,000 --> 00:39:08,160 Speaker 1: that distinction, get those things clear. But you don't have 555 00:39:08,200 --> 00:39:11,920 Speaker 1: to go into every date thinking this is the one. 556 00:39:12,239 --> 00:39:16,080 Speaker 1: Sometime you can go, you know, their playdates, play around, 557 00:39:16,239 --> 00:39:19,360 Speaker 1: see what you like, what you don't like, what needs 558 00:39:19,400 --> 00:39:23,560 Speaker 1: to be worked on. Can I ask how old you 559 00:39:23,640 --> 00:39:30,439 Speaker 1: are in twenty six? Oh? Twenty six? Okay, you still 560 00:39:30,440 --> 00:39:36,320 Speaker 1: got a little ways to go. And then you're dating 561 00:39:36,360 --> 00:39:39,080 Speaker 1: with a new baby or a baby if you've been 562 00:39:39,120 --> 00:39:42,040 Speaker 1: in a relationship a year, how old is your baby? 563 00:39:42,400 --> 00:39:44,000 Speaker 3: He is eighteen months? 564 00:39:46,160 --> 00:39:49,760 Speaker 1: Okay? All right, yeah, so you know that's a whole 565 00:39:49,960 --> 00:39:53,600 Speaker 1: another bag of worms that you got to deal with. 566 00:39:53,800 --> 00:39:57,360 Speaker 1: How do you date? Who do you introduce to your son? 567 00:39:58,480 --> 00:40:01,000 Speaker 1: How soon? I mean? And there's a lot of things 568 00:40:01,000 --> 00:40:06,120 Speaker 1: to consider here. So you've got some stuff to work through. Yeah, 569 00:40:06,200 --> 00:40:09,759 Speaker 1: but you'll do it. Learn to trust yourself, learn to 570 00:40:09,880 --> 00:40:13,560 Speaker 1: nurture yourself, learn to have clear boundaries of what keeps 571 00:40:13,600 --> 00:40:17,800 Speaker 1: you safe and offer that to the to the person 572 00:40:17,840 --> 00:40:31,120 Speaker 1: that you're dating. Also okay, okay, well happy dating? Okay, 573 00:40:31,280 --> 00:40:44,319 Speaker 1: alrighty bye bye bye? Would you date you? You got 574 00:40:44,320 --> 00:40:48,440 Speaker 1: to look at everything, look at everything, And like I 575 00:40:48,480 --> 00:40:51,319 Speaker 1: said earlier, I'm not dating right now because I got 576 00:40:51,320 --> 00:40:55,160 Speaker 1: a lot going on and I'm not gonna bring anybody 577 00:40:55,200 --> 00:41:02,879 Speaker 1: else into this. Experience. But I do date myself. That's 578 00:41:02,920 --> 00:41:05,239 Speaker 1: how I do my self care, That's how I do 579 00:41:05,320 --> 00:41:11,879 Speaker 1: my time with myself when I'm going somewhere. And I 580 00:41:11,920 --> 00:41:16,640 Speaker 1: had this awareness, I didn't realize that the drive to 581 00:41:16,800 --> 00:41:20,000 Speaker 1: my self care, whether it was my massage or my 582 00:41:20,719 --> 00:41:24,319 Speaker 1: treatment or my hydration or whatever I was doing, that 583 00:41:24,480 --> 00:41:27,040 Speaker 1: was time for me to be with me. I thought 584 00:41:27,080 --> 00:41:29,160 Speaker 1: it was just the drive, just the thing I had 585 00:41:29,200 --> 00:41:32,400 Speaker 1: to do. But that's part of the date, getting to 586 00:41:32,440 --> 00:41:36,000 Speaker 1: where you're going. So I had to kind of rethink that. 587 00:41:36,719 --> 00:41:38,960 Speaker 1: But if you're out there dating, if you're in the 588 00:41:39,080 --> 00:41:44,560 Speaker 1: dating world, look at everything and consider if you were 589 00:41:44,600 --> 00:41:48,080 Speaker 1: walking into someone's life and they had this going on, 590 00:41:48,760 --> 00:41:51,280 Speaker 1: how would you handle it, How would you want it handled? 591 00:41:51,640 --> 00:41:55,560 Speaker 1: What is it that you would need or say or offer? 592 00:41:56,440 --> 00:41:59,919 Speaker 1: Would you date you? You have to take everything into consideration, 593 00:42:00,080 --> 00:42:04,160 Speaker 1: and the first thing is date yourself. Manage yourself in 594 00:42:04,200 --> 00:42:07,160 Speaker 1: your own life, you know, manage everything that you've got 595 00:42:07,280 --> 00:42:10,000 Speaker 1: going on, and see how you feel about it, get 596 00:42:10,080 --> 00:42:14,000 Speaker 1: happy about it, get enthusiastic about it, and above all else, 597 00:42:14,160 --> 00:42:17,880 Speaker 1: tell the truth about it. Because the worst thing you 598 00:42:17,920 --> 00:42:21,840 Speaker 1: can do is start dating somebody and then the surprise 599 00:42:22,280 --> 00:42:25,080 Speaker 1: Booby traps pop up along the way. Oh yeah, I'm 600 00:42:25,239 --> 00:42:30,040 Speaker 1: caring for my mother's dying dog. Okay, oh, whatever it is. 601 00:42:32,400 --> 00:42:34,799 Speaker 1: Learn how to take yourself to dinner, Learn how to 602 00:42:34,800 --> 00:42:38,560 Speaker 1: take yourself to the movies. Learn how to play with 603 00:42:38,600 --> 00:42:41,399 Speaker 1: yourself if you know what I mean, and see how 604 00:42:41,440 --> 00:42:45,000 Speaker 1: that feels. Because some people are lone, and they're lonely 605 00:42:45,239 --> 00:42:50,239 Speaker 1: in their loneeness as opposed to being with themselves and 606 00:42:50,320 --> 00:42:56,000 Speaker 1: learning how to take care of themselves and learning from themselves. Remember, 607 00:42:56,320 --> 00:43:00,120 Speaker 1: nobody's gonna complete you. You've got to come into a 608 00:43:00,160 --> 00:43:05,800 Speaker 1: relationship or dating situation complete, not arrogant with your nose 609 00:43:05,920 --> 00:43:08,000 Speaker 1: up in the air. I don't need nobody to do 610 00:43:08,040 --> 00:43:13,120 Speaker 1: nothing for me, but complete within yourself. Try dating just 611 00:43:13,160 --> 00:43:16,000 Speaker 1: for the fun of it and not for the conclusion 612 00:43:16,080 --> 00:43:18,360 Speaker 1: of it. You know, or is he the one? Is 613 00:43:18,400 --> 00:43:22,080 Speaker 1: she the one? Are we? It's this it? No? No, 614 00:43:23,320 --> 00:43:27,160 Speaker 1: you won't be able to see the beauty of who 615 00:43:27,239 --> 00:43:31,400 Speaker 1: you are and experience your health and your fun and 616 00:43:31,480 --> 00:43:35,719 Speaker 1: your wisdom if you're looking for somebody else to complete you. 617 00:43:37,480 --> 00:43:40,480 Speaker 1: So I hope you've heard something today that you can 618 00:43:40,600 --> 00:43:45,520 Speaker 1: use and support you in your dating life. I hope 619 00:43:45,520 --> 00:43:53,080 Speaker 1: that you're stretching and growing and clearing up those boundaries. Yeah, 620 00:43:53,480 --> 00:43:58,160 Speaker 1: would you date? You ask yourself that question, if so, 621 00:43:58,520 --> 00:44:02,479 Speaker 1: why and if not, why not? And maybe one day 622 00:44:03,040 --> 00:44:04,719 Speaker 1: you'll give me a call and let me know what 623 00:44:04,840 --> 00:44:08,600 Speaker 1: you discovered. I want to thank everybody for tuning in 624 00:44:08,800 --> 00:44:12,279 Speaker 1: today and I'll see you next time. In the meantime, 625 00:44:12,719 --> 00:44:23,680 Speaker 1: stay in peace and not in pieces. The R Spot 626 00:44:23,800 --> 00:44:28,760 Speaker 1: is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. 627 00:44:29,080 --> 00:44:33,840 Speaker 1: For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, 628 00:44:34,040 --> 00:44:38,880 Speaker 1: Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.