1 00:00:02,720 --> 00:00:05,880 Speaker 1: Hi. This is Laura Vandercamp. I'm a mother of five, 2 00:00:06,160 --> 00:00:10,200 Speaker 1: an author, journalist, and speaker. And this is Sarah Hart Hunger. 3 00:00:10,480 --> 00:00:13,480 Speaker 1: I'm a mother of three, a practicing physician and blogger. 4 00:00:13,480 --> 00:00:15,800 Speaker 1: On the side, we are two working parents who love 5 00:00:15,840 --> 00:00:19,320 Speaker 1: our careers and our families. Welcome to best of both worlds. 6 00:00:19,600 --> 00:00:22,400 Speaker 1: Here we talk about how real women manage work, family, 7 00:00:22,560 --> 00:00:25,800 Speaker 1: and time for fun, from figuring out childcare to mapping 8 00:00:25,800 --> 00:00:28,360 Speaker 1: out long term career goals. We want you to get 9 00:00:28,400 --> 00:00:34,000 Speaker 1: the most out of life. Welcome to best of both worlds. 10 00:00:34,159 --> 00:00:37,120 Speaker 1: This is Laura. This is episode two hundred and thirty eight. 11 00:00:37,479 --> 00:00:42,520 Speaker 1: I'll be interviewing Rebecca Smith on sports parenting how people 12 00:00:42,600 --> 00:00:47,239 Speaker 1: who have competitive athletes as children or even just you know, 13 00:00:47,479 --> 00:00:51,080 Speaker 1: really serious or into lots of sports athletes, how you 14 00:00:51,479 --> 00:00:55,840 Speaker 1: can keep them from feeling too much pressure and having 15 00:00:55,960 --> 00:00:58,840 Speaker 1: lots of anxiety about that, and also just sort of 16 00:00:58,880 --> 00:01:00,840 Speaker 1: taking care of yourself while you are dealing with very 17 00:01:00,840 --> 00:01:04,640 Speaker 1: competitive and sometimes stressful situations as happens when kids get 18 00:01:04,760 --> 00:01:10,240 Speaker 1: very into sports, and particularly and the competitive higher ranks 19 00:01:10,480 --> 00:01:13,720 Speaker 1: of sports that Rebecca deals with. So that's a lot 20 00:01:13,720 --> 00:01:15,119 Speaker 1: of great advice, and then I really hope you will 21 00:01:15,160 --> 00:01:17,520 Speaker 1: check that out. Sarah, what are your kids currently doing 22 00:01:17,560 --> 00:01:22,360 Speaker 1: in terms of sports? Yeah, so this change is a lot. 23 00:01:22,440 --> 00:01:24,280 Speaker 1: I don't think my kids have locked into that many 24 00:01:24,319 --> 00:01:27,000 Speaker 1: things yet, despite trying stuff, and of course, you know, 25 00:01:27,160 --> 00:01:29,160 Speaker 1: pandemic kind of messed up a few activities that have 26 00:01:29,240 --> 00:01:32,960 Speaker 1: been started. Now we're doing lots of things. Annabel and 27 00:01:33,000 --> 00:01:36,880 Speaker 1: Cameron both do horseback riding. This actually is facilitated by 28 00:01:36,880 --> 00:01:39,479 Speaker 1: the fact that Josh's ann owns a horse farm that's 29 00:01:39,480 --> 00:01:42,280 Speaker 1: about fifteen minutes from our house where they do lessons 30 00:01:42,319 --> 00:01:44,760 Speaker 1: and they have shows and it's great. If anybody's in 31 00:01:44,760 --> 00:01:48,760 Speaker 1: South Florida, that's Condy Farm, check it out anyway. Then 32 00:01:49,120 --> 00:01:53,760 Speaker 1: Cameron does soccer. Genevieve does soccer as well. She'd be 33 00:01:54,080 --> 00:01:57,280 Speaker 1: kind of does soccer. She's on a field with a 34 00:01:57,320 --> 00:02:01,880 Speaker 1: ball and there's kicking involved. Yes, Cameron does tennis. He 35 00:02:02,080 --> 00:02:04,920 Speaker 1: actually really likes it. And Annabelle just agreed to start tennis. 36 00:02:04,960 --> 00:02:08,960 Speaker 1: I think she's been twice, mostly because she tends to 37 00:02:09,000 --> 00:02:11,480 Speaker 1: bounce from sport to sport and like quits everything, and 38 00:02:11,520 --> 00:02:14,400 Speaker 1: I'm trying to find something that she enjoys to stick with. 39 00:02:15,040 --> 00:02:16,919 Speaker 1: And then I feel like there's one more thing. Oh, 40 00:02:17,040 --> 00:02:20,440 Speaker 1: Cameron just finished up a season on the school track 41 00:02:20,520 --> 00:02:23,800 Speaker 1: and field team where he got to do lots of 42 00:02:23,880 --> 00:02:27,200 Speaker 1: long jump and discus throwing and one hundred meters dash 43 00:02:27,240 --> 00:02:30,000 Speaker 1: and it was really cute. That sounds great. Did the 44 00:02:30,040 --> 00:02:34,280 Speaker 1: discus go where it was supposed to go? Yeah, pretty much? 45 00:02:35,000 --> 00:02:37,840 Speaker 1: He yeah. Those the shot put actually shotput he did 46 00:02:37,840 --> 00:02:40,000 Speaker 1: as well. Shotput and the long jump seemed to be 47 00:02:40,080 --> 00:02:43,200 Speaker 1: his strengths this season. But he's in second grade, so 48 00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:45,280 Speaker 1: you know, we'll see it's a second grade long jump. 49 00:02:45,320 --> 00:02:51,520 Speaker 1: That's it's fun to think about. Yeah. No, we have 50 00:02:52,040 --> 00:02:55,520 Speaker 1: different sports at different times too. It's uh, you know, 51 00:02:55,800 --> 00:02:58,239 Speaker 1: kids try stuff and then decide it's not for them 52 00:02:58,320 --> 00:03:01,239 Speaker 1: and move on and try to keep trying other things. 53 00:03:02,280 --> 00:03:05,800 Speaker 1: So Jasper is currently doing tennis. He seems to like that. 54 00:03:06,680 --> 00:03:11,000 Speaker 1: Sam is doing fencing, which is new that he started 55 00:03:11,000 --> 00:03:13,079 Speaker 1: this fall, but I think he wanted to move on 56 00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:17,639 Speaker 1: from baseball and so fencing it is. Ruth is doing 57 00:03:17,880 --> 00:03:21,560 Speaker 1: karate and she's now in the advanced class. She got 58 00:03:21,600 --> 00:03:25,639 Speaker 1: like a red belt. I know it's something else. I'm 59 00:03:25,680 --> 00:03:28,120 Speaker 1: losing track of it, but it's the advanced class and 60 00:03:28,120 --> 00:03:31,280 Speaker 1: she's got all these fancy weapons that she does as well, 61 00:03:32,200 --> 00:03:37,160 Speaker 1: like the double numb chucks. And she also is doing 62 00:03:37,200 --> 00:03:41,320 Speaker 1: gymnastics currently and we'll do soccer in the spring. And 63 00:03:41,920 --> 00:03:46,040 Speaker 1: Alex is doing gymnastics in karate as well. He'll be 64 00:03:46,080 --> 00:03:50,640 Speaker 1: doing more straight partcore in the spring. But that class 65 00:03:50,720 --> 00:03:53,200 Speaker 1: was like sold out in the winter, so anyway, that'll 66 00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:57,160 Speaker 1: happen soon. But yeah, no, nobody's doing that much. But 67 00:03:57,240 --> 00:04:00,320 Speaker 1: it's just when you have four kids in something once 68 00:04:00,480 --> 00:04:04,280 Speaker 1: being a reasonable amount of activities. So far seems to 69 00:04:04,280 --> 00:04:07,160 Speaker 1: be keeping under control, and no one looks like they're 70 00:04:07,200 --> 00:04:16,320 Speaker 1: quite going to be eligible for Rebecca's level of sports intensity. 71 00:04:16,960 --> 00:04:18,880 Speaker 1: But I know we have a lot of readers, a 72 00:04:18,920 --> 00:04:22,080 Speaker 1: lot readers listeners who are in these situations, and so 73 00:04:22,160 --> 00:04:24,360 Speaker 1: I know you will find it very useful. And honestly, 74 00:04:24,400 --> 00:04:26,440 Speaker 1: if you have kids who are intensely into anything, like 75 00:04:26,480 --> 00:04:30,320 Speaker 1: they're in you know, the elite band or orchestra in 76 00:04:30,360 --> 00:04:33,040 Speaker 1: your area, or they're doing you know, very high end 77 00:04:33,120 --> 00:04:37,960 Speaker 1: musical theater in your community, the various academic bowl teams 78 00:04:38,040 --> 00:04:41,400 Speaker 1: or whatever, anyone who has a kid who's deeply into 79 00:04:41,640 --> 00:04:44,440 Speaker 1: something is going to appreciate her advice because it's it's 80 00:04:44,440 --> 00:04:48,680 Speaker 1: pretty similar, even if it's not involving athletics necessarily, So 81 00:04:49,000 --> 00:04:50,920 Speaker 1: please listen to the advice and I think you'll find 82 00:04:50,920 --> 00:04:53,320 Speaker 1: it as useful as I did. Well, Sarah and I 83 00:04:53,480 --> 00:04:57,040 Speaker 1: are delighted to welcome Rebecca Smith to the program. So, Rebecca, 84 00:04:57,160 --> 00:05:00,719 Speaker 1: can you introduce yourself to our listeners? Yes, hy Laura, 85 00:05:00,760 --> 00:05:04,160 Speaker 1: thank you so much for having me. So. I specialize 86 00:05:04,200 --> 00:05:08,559 Speaker 1: in helping young athletes build confidence, overcome anxiety and fear, 87 00:05:09,200 --> 00:05:12,719 Speaker 1: and a big portion of this is helping parents figure 88 00:05:12,720 --> 00:05:16,040 Speaker 1: out how to support them because let's face it, parents 89 00:05:16,040 --> 00:05:19,640 Speaker 1: can be part of the problem with their kids sports anxiety. 90 00:05:20,120 --> 00:05:23,200 Speaker 1: So that's what I do. And you are a parent 91 00:05:23,279 --> 00:05:27,119 Speaker 1: as well, correct. Yes, I have two daughters, three and six, 92 00:05:27,640 --> 00:05:32,440 Speaker 1: and they are little mini athletes, many athletes just starting 93 00:05:32,480 --> 00:05:35,760 Speaker 1: the athletic journey. Right, there's still quite adorable in they're little, 94 00:05:35,800 --> 00:05:40,440 Speaker 1: tiny leotards. Yes, And speaking of leotards, that was your sport, correct, 95 00:05:41,560 --> 00:05:43,839 Speaker 1: I was a gymnast for fifteen years. I was a 96 00:05:43,839 --> 00:05:47,240 Speaker 1: coach for fifteen years and then I just couldn't shake it. 97 00:05:47,760 --> 00:05:50,680 Speaker 1: That's my sport, my love, Like my super Bowl is 98 00:05:50,720 --> 00:05:53,480 Speaker 1: the summer Olympics. That's what the only sporting event I 99 00:05:53,800 --> 00:05:58,560 Speaker 1: typically watch. But yeah, that's where my heart lies because 100 00:05:58,560 --> 00:06:02,200 Speaker 1: it's such a crazy stressful sport. So yeah, there's a 101 00:06:02,200 --> 00:06:04,760 Speaker 1: lot of a lot of sports psychology need in that 102 00:06:04,839 --> 00:06:07,360 Speaker 1: department for sure. Yeah. Well many of us have been 103 00:06:07,560 --> 00:06:10,479 Speaker 1: as we're recording this, I mean, it'll run after they're over, 104 00:06:10,520 --> 00:06:14,320 Speaker 1: I think, but have been watching the Winter Olympics and 105 00:06:14,400 --> 00:06:17,200 Speaker 1: so getting a very close up view of people facing 106 00:06:17,400 --> 00:06:22,360 Speaker 1: very very intense situations, you know, this being the big leagues. 107 00:06:23,040 --> 00:06:25,560 Speaker 1: I'm curious. Yeah, when you see it, like, how do 108 00:06:25,600 --> 00:06:27,760 Speaker 1: you see sort of anxiety playing out in such a 109 00:06:27,800 --> 00:06:29,800 Speaker 1: such a big, you know, arena, or do you think 110 00:06:29,800 --> 00:06:32,440 Speaker 1: anyone's actually immune from it? Are there are there people? No? 111 00:06:32,520 --> 00:06:34,440 Speaker 1: I mean I was just reading an article that was 112 00:06:34,480 --> 00:06:40,480 Speaker 1: all about how every single Winter Olympian is terrified all 113 00:06:40,520 --> 00:06:43,720 Speaker 1: the time. You know that they're like, thank goodness, we're 114 00:06:43,760 --> 00:06:46,480 Speaker 1: not allowed to flip four times because we would do it, 115 00:06:47,760 --> 00:06:50,920 Speaker 1: but we might die. It's like, and so I love 116 00:06:51,080 --> 00:06:54,280 Speaker 1: kind of looking into you know, the guy who climbed 117 00:06:54,880 --> 00:06:58,320 Speaker 1: half done with no ropes. It's like, why why do 118 00:06:58,400 --> 00:07:02,000 Speaker 1: people put themselves through these things? But because it just 119 00:07:02,160 --> 00:07:05,400 Speaker 1: is so incredible when you are able to push yourself 120 00:07:05,440 --> 00:07:09,920 Speaker 1: to these amazing limits and keep your body healthy at 121 00:07:09,920 --> 00:07:12,560 Speaker 1: the same time, like that's a feat in and of itself. 122 00:07:12,680 --> 00:07:15,760 Speaker 1: So these people like they really learn how to manage 123 00:07:15,760 --> 00:07:20,000 Speaker 1: their anxiety, because your anxiety can send you sideways, like 124 00:07:20,120 --> 00:07:24,000 Speaker 1: literally literally when you're yes, jumping off balance, spam. I 125 00:07:24,040 --> 00:07:27,720 Speaker 1: guess so, because that's what it's about, then it's it 126 00:07:27,880 --> 00:07:31,280 Speaker 1: for children, it's not about getting rid of the anxiety. 127 00:07:31,320 --> 00:07:35,200 Speaker 1: Then it's it's about managing the anxiety. Yes, yes, and 128 00:07:35,240 --> 00:07:37,200 Speaker 1: you look at you know, over the last couple of years, 129 00:07:37,240 --> 00:07:40,960 Speaker 1: anxiety and depression in kids has skyrocketed in general, and 130 00:07:41,000 --> 00:07:44,640 Speaker 1: then you add sort of these high pressure arenas even academics, 131 00:07:44,640 --> 00:07:48,680 Speaker 1: Like academic anxiety is up, sports anxieties up. So we 132 00:07:48,960 --> 00:07:51,880 Speaker 1: you know, we aim to help them cope so that 133 00:07:51,880 --> 00:07:55,360 Speaker 1: that feeling in their stomach doesn't feel like they're going 134 00:07:55,400 --> 00:07:58,920 Speaker 1: to die. It feels like butterflies, you know, that feeling 135 00:07:58,920 --> 00:08:02,320 Speaker 1: in their chest feel like go power instead of a 136 00:08:02,520 --> 00:08:05,000 Speaker 1: heart attack. So we help them figure out how to 137 00:08:05,040 --> 00:08:08,800 Speaker 1: sort of like work with the nerves and actually get 138 00:08:08,840 --> 00:08:11,400 Speaker 1: a better mindset on it. It's like every athlete goes 139 00:08:11,440 --> 00:08:14,480 Speaker 1: out a little nervous because they care how can we 140 00:08:14,520 --> 00:08:16,560 Speaker 1: get you out of the like what ifs and the 141 00:08:16,720 --> 00:08:20,080 Speaker 1: you know, the all of the negative thinking that can 142 00:08:20,120 --> 00:08:22,680 Speaker 1: go along with it. Is there a way? I'm very 143 00:08:22,680 --> 00:08:26,640 Speaker 1: curious there is, absolutely yeah, because it you know, there's 144 00:08:26,680 --> 00:08:29,600 Speaker 1: there's studies that show that all of the physical sensations 145 00:08:29,600 --> 00:08:31,160 Speaker 1: that we have, like when you're on a roller coaster, 146 00:08:31,520 --> 00:08:33,640 Speaker 1: our hearts are pounding, we're sweaty, we're tense. Some of 147 00:08:33,679 --> 00:08:35,600 Speaker 1: us hate roller coasters and some of us love them, 148 00:08:35,600 --> 00:08:39,959 Speaker 1: but we're all having the same physiological experience. So little 149 00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:43,040 Speaker 1: hacks like that where kids go, oh, that's true. My 150 00:08:43,120 --> 00:08:45,600 Speaker 1: sister hates rollercoasters, I love them, and we're both feeling 151 00:08:45,640 --> 00:08:48,840 Speaker 1: the exact same thing. So there's something in my mind 152 00:08:49,040 --> 00:08:51,480 Speaker 1: that makes this fun. And when I go out there 153 00:08:51,480 --> 00:08:53,800 Speaker 1: feeling fun, then my brain doesn't think I'm going to 154 00:08:53,840 --> 00:08:56,920 Speaker 1: be eaten by a tiger any minute. Then my body 155 00:08:56,920 --> 00:08:58,600 Speaker 1: can relax and I can do the thing that I 156 00:08:58,679 --> 00:09:02,040 Speaker 1: train twenty hours a week to do with some joy. 157 00:09:02,559 --> 00:09:06,920 Speaker 1: It's all like these little mindset shifts can allow athletes 158 00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:09,640 Speaker 1: to do the thing they love without feeling like they're, 159 00:09:09,880 --> 00:09:13,079 Speaker 1: you know, being chased by a tiger all the time. Yeah, 160 00:09:13,120 --> 00:09:15,720 Speaker 1: and what's generally happened and families are seeking you out, 161 00:09:15,760 --> 00:09:18,520 Speaker 1: I mean, what's what sort of you know, leads somebody 162 00:09:18,559 --> 00:09:22,400 Speaker 1: to seek out help for a young athlete. Yeah, so 163 00:09:22,480 --> 00:09:25,319 Speaker 1: basically what happened to Simone Biles in the Olympics is 164 00:09:25,520 --> 00:09:29,440 Speaker 1: exactly what we specialize in. It's these really high achieving athletes, 165 00:09:29,880 --> 00:09:32,640 Speaker 1: high strong, high anxiety. Kind of generally like these little 166 00:09:32,640 --> 00:09:36,520 Speaker 1: achievers who are super talented and they they're going through 167 00:09:36,559 --> 00:09:38,760 Speaker 1: things are going well and then they hit a mental wall, 168 00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:42,840 Speaker 1: which for some is they'll lose a skill. You know, 169 00:09:42,920 --> 00:09:44,840 Speaker 1: they've done this skill over and over and then all 170 00:09:44,840 --> 00:09:46,560 Speaker 1: of a sudden, she can't do it and we don't 171 00:09:46,559 --> 00:09:50,560 Speaker 1: know why, and it's very frustrating. And it's basically this 172 00:09:50,559 --> 00:09:53,400 Speaker 1: this thing that happens when kids stop trusting themselves and 173 00:09:53,440 --> 00:09:57,200 Speaker 1: their confidence drops, that their brain actually won't let them 174 00:09:57,280 --> 00:10:01,439 Speaker 1: do those certain skills anymore. They come to us and we, 175 00:10:01,760 --> 00:10:03,640 Speaker 1: you know, we specialize in helping them figure out how 176 00:10:03,640 --> 00:10:05,920 Speaker 1: to have a better relationship with themselves so that they 177 00:10:05,920 --> 00:10:08,240 Speaker 1: can learn to trust themselves, so they can build lasting 178 00:10:08,320 --> 00:10:12,080 Speaker 1: confidence rather than always trying to please and kind of 179 00:10:12,240 --> 00:10:16,439 Speaker 1: not listening to their own needs. And that helps them 180 00:10:16,720 --> 00:10:19,880 Speaker 1: to go, oh, actually this counts. It's not perfect, but 181 00:10:19,920 --> 00:10:23,280 Speaker 1: it still counts. And it's like taking these little, you know, 182 00:10:23,440 --> 00:10:27,400 Speaker 1: high strong achievers and giving them the ability to be 183 00:10:27,520 --> 00:10:32,439 Speaker 1: okay with the journey that tends to be the solution. Yeah, 184 00:10:32,679 --> 00:10:35,720 Speaker 1: definitely important. And you have lots of tips for parents 185 00:10:35,760 --> 00:10:39,640 Speaker 1: too what you share on your podcast about what's tell 186 00:10:39,679 --> 00:10:41,839 Speaker 1: our listeners the name of your podcast here, Yes, and 187 00:10:41,920 --> 00:10:45,280 Speaker 1: my podcast is perform Happy with Rebecca Smith, and it's 188 00:10:45,360 --> 00:10:49,080 Speaker 1: basically for parents who have this type of athlete. Tips 189 00:10:49,080 --> 00:10:52,360 Speaker 1: for parents, tips for coaches, tips for athletes. Yeah. So 190 00:10:52,400 --> 00:10:54,800 Speaker 1: we'll be right back with some of Rebecca's best tips 191 00:10:54,800 --> 00:11:06,240 Speaker 1: for parents who are managing competitive athletes right after this break. 192 00:11:11,880 --> 00:11:15,280 Speaker 1: So I'm back with Rebecca Smith, who is you know, 193 00:11:15,320 --> 00:11:20,199 Speaker 1: deals with the psychology of young competitive athletes, people dealing 194 00:11:20,200 --> 00:11:24,600 Speaker 1: with anxiety, perfectionism, things like that. And you mentioned, Rebecca 195 00:11:24,720 --> 00:11:27,000 Speaker 1: that a big part of your practice is then also 196 00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:30,120 Speaker 1: dealing with the parents, because the parents are a big 197 00:11:30,160 --> 00:11:32,800 Speaker 1: part of this. So you had a podcast a few 198 00:11:32,840 --> 00:11:37,480 Speaker 1: weeks ago on your top five tips for sports parents. 199 00:11:37,559 --> 00:11:39,480 Speaker 1: So why don't you go ahead and share those with 200 00:11:39,520 --> 00:11:43,840 Speaker 1: our listeners. Yes. So my number one tip for parents 201 00:11:43,840 --> 00:11:47,360 Speaker 1: if you if you have a little athlete and you 202 00:11:47,400 --> 00:11:50,360 Speaker 1: don't want to completely lose your mind over their sport, 203 00:11:51,240 --> 00:11:54,000 Speaker 1: the number one thing is to be neutral. And this 204 00:11:54,320 --> 00:11:58,760 Speaker 1: is it's a tall order. You know that. That's saying 205 00:11:58,840 --> 00:12:02,320 Speaker 1: that you might be spending thousands of dollars and thousands 206 00:12:02,360 --> 00:12:06,840 Speaker 1: of hours and your child may not succeed, like they 207 00:12:06,920 --> 00:12:10,480 Speaker 1: might not make that team, they might not get that skill. 208 00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:15,280 Speaker 1: Can you the parent be okay? And it's you know, 209 00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:19,439 Speaker 1: we're investing our biggest commodity of time into this thing 210 00:12:19,480 --> 00:12:23,960 Speaker 1: that these kids are doing. Can you be okay with 211 00:12:24,040 --> 00:12:27,680 Speaker 1: it turning out? However it turns out? And the question 212 00:12:27,720 --> 00:12:30,920 Speaker 1: to ask is if he doesn't make the team, will 213 00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:35,320 Speaker 1: you still love him? Yes? Obviously, hello, Yes. If she 214 00:12:35,360 --> 00:12:38,840 Speaker 1: doesn't get the backhandspring before the first meet, will you 215 00:12:38,920 --> 00:12:42,920 Speaker 1: still love her? You know? And it's a complete no brainer. 216 00:12:42,960 --> 00:12:46,800 Speaker 1: Of course, of course if they never if my little artist, 217 00:12:47,080 --> 00:12:49,480 Speaker 1: my little daughter who's just not an athlete, if she 218 00:12:49,559 --> 00:12:52,880 Speaker 1: never plays a sport and I'm her mother, can I 219 00:12:52,960 --> 00:12:56,120 Speaker 1: love her absolutely? One hundred percent. So that's where we 220 00:12:56,160 --> 00:12:58,839 Speaker 1: have to come from, is that we love them and 221 00:12:58,880 --> 00:13:02,600 Speaker 1: it's okay them to succeed and thrive. It's okay for 222 00:13:02,679 --> 00:13:06,640 Speaker 1: them to not make the team. If you're coming with this, 223 00:13:06,800 --> 00:13:08,520 Speaker 1: you know your own like, oh I hope he gets it, 224 00:13:08,640 --> 00:13:10,280 Speaker 1: or oh, I hope he makes it, or gosh, it's 225 00:13:10,320 --> 00:13:12,120 Speaker 1: going to be awful if blah blah blah. Any of 226 00:13:12,120 --> 00:13:16,400 Speaker 1: those expectations are creating stress and pressure for your athlete, 227 00:13:16,640 --> 00:13:19,280 Speaker 1: whether you realize it or not, and then that's going 228 00:13:19,360 --> 00:13:23,120 Speaker 1: to impact your relationship and their confidence. Well. So that's 229 00:13:23,120 --> 00:13:25,200 Speaker 1: hard though, because you I mean not just about like, 230 00:13:25,240 --> 00:13:26,439 Speaker 1: you know, we can be fine to be like, oh, 231 00:13:26,440 --> 00:13:29,000 Speaker 1: it's fine if you lose or whatever, but wanting to 232 00:13:29,920 --> 00:13:32,000 Speaker 1: praise sort of good things. I mean, that's kind of 233 00:13:32,240 --> 00:13:35,520 Speaker 1: a natural thing that happens, and so you kind of 234 00:13:35,559 --> 00:13:39,360 Speaker 1: have to hold that somewhat in check to be truly neutral. 235 00:13:40,120 --> 00:13:42,960 Speaker 1: A lot of tongue biting that goes into being neutral, 236 00:13:43,040 --> 00:13:46,640 Speaker 1: and you know, we can't probably be one hundred percent neutral, 237 00:13:46,920 --> 00:13:49,240 Speaker 1: but we can pretend that we're neutral, you know, and 238 00:13:49,280 --> 00:13:51,840 Speaker 1: we can act like we're neutral, and we can be 239 00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:56,200 Speaker 1: so proud, you know, even if they don't perform, even 240 00:13:56,240 --> 00:14:00,320 Speaker 1: if they're not trying, even if they're not showing up 241 00:14:00,360 --> 00:14:02,440 Speaker 1: the way you want them to, even if you're like, 242 00:14:02,520 --> 00:14:04,560 Speaker 1: why are we doing this? If you don't look like 243 00:14:04,600 --> 00:14:09,000 Speaker 1: you even care out there? Can you be completely neutral 244 00:14:09,240 --> 00:14:13,440 Speaker 1: in that situation? That's the tough stuff, that is, and 245 00:14:13,480 --> 00:14:16,440 Speaker 1: I'm sure my Belsene parents who are not neutral, Oh 246 00:14:16,480 --> 00:14:20,080 Speaker 1: my gosh, of course. Yeah. And that sort of brings 247 00:14:20,120 --> 00:14:23,240 Speaker 1: me to my next tip, which is what to praise 248 00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:26,560 Speaker 1: and how to praise it. So there are only two 249 00:14:26,680 --> 00:14:29,440 Speaker 1: things we have to be very disciplined about praise. Two 250 00:14:29,600 --> 00:14:33,160 Speaker 1: things that you want to praise for your athlete effort 251 00:14:33,520 --> 00:14:37,840 Speaker 1: and progress. That's it. So for all of us, like 252 00:14:37,840 --> 00:14:40,080 Speaker 1: myself included, I'm always like, you're so cute. I have 253 00:14:40,120 --> 00:14:42,160 Speaker 1: to be like, that's not the thing that we want 254 00:14:42,200 --> 00:14:44,720 Speaker 1: to be praising. Yes, you're so cute in that low leotard, 255 00:14:44,720 --> 00:14:48,000 Speaker 1: but like you are showing up. You are working hard. 256 00:14:48,120 --> 00:14:50,480 Speaker 1: Even with my six year old on the ice where 257 00:14:50,520 --> 00:14:53,920 Speaker 1: ice skating, and she makes it like two steps without 258 00:14:53,920 --> 00:14:56,320 Speaker 1: holding my hand, and I'm like, that was two extra 259 00:14:56,440 --> 00:14:58,520 Speaker 1: it was two more steps. I'm so proud of you. 260 00:14:58,640 --> 00:15:03,040 Speaker 1: She looks me like you're nut small, But every little progress, 261 00:15:03,400 --> 00:15:06,280 Speaker 1: that's what you want to be encouraging, because otherwise she 262 00:15:06,400 --> 00:15:08,680 Speaker 1: was only she was feeling like she was failing because 263 00:15:08,680 --> 00:15:11,120 Speaker 1: she wasn't as good as her friend. She wasn't making 264 00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:13,840 Speaker 1: it to the other side of the rink. But I 265 00:15:13,880 --> 00:15:16,640 Speaker 1: was like that was two steps, buddy, maybe you could try, like, 266 00:15:16,680 --> 00:15:19,080 Speaker 1: what if you made three? That's so great, You're getting 267 00:15:19,080 --> 00:15:21,920 Speaker 1: so much better. And then also if she's just wiping out, 268 00:15:22,080 --> 00:15:25,600 Speaker 1: wiping out, wiping out, I'm like, you keep getting back up. 269 00:15:25,880 --> 00:15:28,000 Speaker 1: You're trying so hard out there, and I'm so proud 270 00:15:28,040 --> 00:15:31,200 Speaker 1: of you. So if you're just focusing on progress and effort, 271 00:15:31,680 --> 00:15:34,120 Speaker 1: then you're helping them to build the type of mindset 272 00:15:34,200 --> 00:15:36,600 Speaker 1: that's going to really support them in their sport and 273 00:15:36,640 --> 00:15:40,480 Speaker 1: in life. Excellent advice. You should all praise more effort 274 00:15:40,560 --> 00:15:43,560 Speaker 1: less outcome. I think many of us could stand to 275 00:15:43,600 --> 00:15:46,840 Speaker 1: do more of that. So what's our third point then? Okay, 276 00:15:47,120 --> 00:15:49,320 Speaker 1: my third point this is what we call the perform 277 00:15:49,360 --> 00:15:54,080 Speaker 1: happy parents mantra. Your job, this is what we do 278 00:15:54,200 --> 00:15:56,960 Speaker 1: as parents. Is all you're supposed to do as a 279 00:15:57,000 --> 00:16:03,240 Speaker 1: parent is food, hugs, rides, tuition. That is it. That 280 00:16:03,360 --> 00:16:07,320 Speaker 1: is what you are in charge of. Food, hugs, rides, tuition. Okay, 281 00:16:07,360 --> 00:16:10,360 Speaker 1: you are not the sports psychologist, you are not the 282 00:16:10,400 --> 00:16:14,240 Speaker 1: equipment manager, you are not the coach. You just feed them, 283 00:16:14,400 --> 00:16:18,160 Speaker 1: get them to practice, and hug them and pay for stuff. 284 00:16:18,440 --> 00:16:21,120 Speaker 1: That's that's all you have to do. And if you're 285 00:16:21,120 --> 00:16:25,400 Speaker 1: doing anything else, you have my full permission to stop 286 00:16:25,440 --> 00:16:29,320 Speaker 1: doing it. And this might be hard for us micromanagy, 287 00:16:29,840 --> 00:16:36,080 Speaker 1: you know, like very organized parents with disorganized children. But 288 00:16:36,480 --> 00:16:39,160 Speaker 1: if you just do this, you will be happier and 289 00:16:39,200 --> 00:16:42,040 Speaker 1: they will be happier. So you are not responsible for 290 00:16:42,080 --> 00:16:44,640 Speaker 1: the hockey bag. That's what I'm hearing you are not, 291 00:16:45,120 --> 00:16:49,480 Speaker 1: and that's actually that's number four. You know. Suggestion number 292 00:16:49,480 --> 00:16:54,240 Speaker 1: four is to let them fail early and often. Okay, 293 00:16:54,240 --> 00:16:56,560 Speaker 1: And you're probably thinking like, huh, why would I want 294 00:16:56,560 --> 00:16:58,320 Speaker 1: to let my child fail? My whole job is to 295 00:16:58,360 --> 00:17:01,520 Speaker 1: help this kid thrive, right, But if you let your 296 00:17:01,920 --> 00:17:05,120 Speaker 1: ten year old forget the hockey bag, you don't let 297 00:17:05,160 --> 00:17:07,960 Speaker 1: them obviously not setting them up for failure. But if 298 00:17:08,000 --> 00:17:10,840 Speaker 1: it's their job to make sure they have the bag 299 00:17:11,680 --> 00:17:14,119 Speaker 1: and they didn't bring the bag, they're going to have 300 00:17:14,160 --> 00:17:17,800 Speaker 1: a life experience. It's going to give them that, you know, 301 00:17:17,960 --> 00:17:21,040 Speaker 1: like little fire under their butt to go, oh, I 302 00:17:21,080 --> 00:17:24,080 Speaker 1: need to bring my hockey bag. Okay, you can help them, 303 00:17:24,320 --> 00:17:27,040 Speaker 1: but I mean that experience where that gymnast shows up 304 00:17:27,080 --> 00:17:30,040 Speaker 1: at the meat without her grips is going to be 305 00:17:30,359 --> 00:17:34,000 Speaker 1: uncomfortable and she's going to learn that lesson at age ten, 306 00:17:34,480 --> 00:17:39,879 Speaker 1: eleven rather than going off to college and forgetting her grips. 307 00:17:39,920 --> 00:17:43,800 Speaker 1: Then that actually came from a conversation with a college 308 00:17:43,800 --> 00:17:46,600 Speaker 1: recruiting expert. So, this woman who helps kids get into 309 00:17:46,600 --> 00:17:49,240 Speaker 1: the right college for them. So and I said, what 310 00:17:50,119 --> 00:17:51,399 Speaker 1: is the best thing that you could do for your 311 00:17:51,440 --> 00:17:54,160 Speaker 1: kids to get them into the school of their dreams? 312 00:17:54,400 --> 00:17:57,040 Speaker 1: And she said, let them fail. I was like what, 313 00:17:57,640 --> 00:18:00,560 Speaker 1: But she said that builds resilience. More that you can 314 00:18:00,600 --> 00:18:05,320 Speaker 1: be independent and resilient the better. So letting your kids 315 00:18:05,359 --> 00:18:09,199 Speaker 1: make those little mistakes young can really be helpful for 316 00:18:09,240 --> 00:18:12,399 Speaker 1: them becoming independent. Yeah, I'm sure many of us have 317 00:18:12,480 --> 00:18:16,120 Speaker 1: been impressed with children who are, you know, particularly excited 318 00:18:16,160 --> 00:18:19,199 Speaker 1: about a sport and have taken sort of responsibility for it, 319 00:18:19,320 --> 00:18:22,280 Speaker 1: you know, are asking for rides like from other families 320 00:18:22,480 --> 00:18:24,679 Speaker 1: or the coach or something, you know, when they know 321 00:18:24,720 --> 00:18:26,840 Speaker 1: it's not going to work for their parents, for instance. 322 00:18:27,400 --> 00:18:30,680 Speaker 1: And that's always just incredibly impressive when people are sort 323 00:18:30,720 --> 00:18:34,199 Speaker 1: of in charge of something like that. Right, So how 324 00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:37,679 Speaker 1: about the fifth what's our final tip? This one is 325 00:18:37,840 --> 00:18:41,040 Speaker 1: the one that I personally like the best. So when 326 00:18:41,080 --> 00:18:44,840 Speaker 1: you have multiple children in multiple sports, it's easy to 327 00:18:44,840 --> 00:18:47,160 Speaker 1: be like there is no time there is no me time. 328 00:18:47,240 --> 00:18:50,040 Speaker 1: I remember having my husband after we had our second kid, 329 00:18:50,160 --> 00:18:53,240 Speaker 1: was like, I don't have any me time. I'm like, 330 00:18:53,640 --> 00:18:56,560 Speaker 1: that's not a thing. Me time is not a thing 331 00:18:56,560 --> 00:18:58,760 Speaker 1: when you have little kids, Like, I don't know, buddy, 332 00:18:59,119 --> 00:19:00,960 Speaker 1: but you know what it's not. That's not the truth. 333 00:19:01,640 --> 00:19:04,240 Speaker 1: You have to and so tip number five is you 334 00:19:04,240 --> 00:19:06,600 Speaker 1: got to fill your own cup. So you have to 335 00:19:06,640 --> 00:19:10,199 Speaker 1: put on your oxygen mask first before helping others. And 336 00:19:10,240 --> 00:19:12,880 Speaker 1: if you are going to have your little nine year 337 00:19:12,880 --> 00:19:17,360 Speaker 1: old stress ball having her anxiety moment before the practice 338 00:19:17,440 --> 00:19:20,000 Speaker 1: or whatever it is, or be in tears after practice, 339 00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:23,200 Speaker 1: then you have to be able to be taking care 340 00:19:23,240 --> 00:19:26,439 Speaker 1: of yourself beforehand so that you've got the ability to 341 00:19:26,600 --> 00:19:29,639 Speaker 1: provide that that sounding board instead of being like, well, 342 00:19:29,640 --> 00:19:31,439 Speaker 1: why are we spending so much money on this? If 343 00:19:31,440 --> 00:19:33,719 Speaker 1: you're so miserable, you know, if you haven't slept, if 344 00:19:33,760 --> 00:19:37,960 Speaker 1: you haven't eaten, if you haven't exercised, you're going to 345 00:19:38,000 --> 00:19:41,199 Speaker 1: be less patient, You're going to be less able to 346 00:19:41,320 --> 00:19:45,400 Speaker 1: be neutral. Neutrality comes from a place of like you 347 00:19:45,520 --> 00:19:48,159 Speaker 1: taking care of you, so making sure that you have 348 00:19:48,240 --> 00:19:50,600 Speaker 1: your own activities. You know, if your kids get to 349 00:19:50,600 --> 00:19:53,840 Speaker 1: have activities, you get to have your own activities like 350 00:19:54,040 --> 00:19:59,040 Speaker 1: train for your marathon, you know, take that pottery class, 351 00:19:59,600 --> 00:20:04,560 Speaker 1: do girls' night out every Thursday. Set the boundaries are 352 00:20:04,560 --> 00:20:07,160 Speaker 1: in your life so that you're not driving on Thursdays 353 00:20:07,200 --> 00:20:09,400 Speaker 1: because you are going out to dinner with your girls 354 00:20:09,400 --> 00:20:12,760 Speaker 1: and that's end of story, non negotiable. And if you're 355 00:20:12,760 --> 00:20:15,560 Speaker 1: doing that, like I just went to this amazing retreat 356 00:20:15,760 --> 00:20:18,879 Speaker 1: eighteen of my girlfriends. We rented this like mansion out 357 00:20:18,920 --> 00:20:21,879 Speaker 1: on the top of a hill and we literally like 358 00:20:22,000 --> 00:20:25,119 Speaker 1: did whatever we wanted all weekend. It was so indulgent. 359 00:20:25,320 --> 00:20:28,119 Speaker 1: It was so indulgent. We took hikes and we like 360 00:20:28,200 --> 00:20:30,800 Speaker 1: played board games. It was like just so nice to 361 00:20:31,080 --> 00:20:34,719 Speaker 1: then come home to float home to my family and 362 00:20:34,760 --> 00:20:37,399 Speaker 1: be like, yes, kids, you can need me now. Like 363 00:20:37,640 --> 00:20:40,719 Speaker 1: that's if you're not taking care of yourself, then you 364 00:20:40,760 --> 00:20:44,240 Speaker 1: can't be the best sport parent. We are big fans 365 00:20:44,240 --> 00:20:45,960 Speaker 1: at best of both worlds of putting in your own 366 00:20:46,000 --> 00:20:49,320 Speaker 1: activities alongside the kids ones. And I would add that, yes, 367 00:20:49,359 --> 00:20:53,280 Speaker 1: having something that it's a commitment to is especially important 368 00:20:53,320 --> 00:20:55,199 Speaker 1: because otherwise it's like, well I like to take you know, 369 00:20:55,359 --> 00:20:57,840 Speaker 1: hot baths, Well you can do that. Whatever your bathtub 370 00:20:57,880 --> 00:21:01,440 Speaker 1: is not going anywhere and so up being like, you know, 371 00:21:01,560 --> 00:21:03,959 Speaker 1: you do everybody else's things first, and then maybe if 372 00:21:03,960 --> 00:21:06,040 Speaker 1: you have time leftover, you do your your bath or 373 00:21:06,080 --> 00:21:09,080 Speaker 1: whatever your yoga video. Whereas if it is playing in 374 00:21:09,119 --> 00:21:13,120 Speaker 1: a string quartet at seven pm on Thursday nights, you're 375 00:21:13,160 --> 00:21:17,480 Speaker 1: going to be there and the family knows. The family, Yeah, 376 00:21:17,800 --> 00:21:21,120 Speaker 1: that's not your night to drive, Yeah, exactly. So yeah, Well, 377 00:21:21,160 --> 00:21:23,640 Speaker 1: speaking of driving, though, I wonder if you have any 378 00:21:23,640 --> 00:21:26,760 Speaker 1: tips for sort of family logistics because obviously this gets 379 00:21:26,760 --> 00:21:29,120 Speaker 1: complicated in this particular if you have a kid who's 380 00:21:29,160 --> 00:21:30,840 Speaker 1: into a lot of stuff and maybe one kid who's 381 00:21:30,920 --> 00:21:33,359 Speaker 1: less into that, or you know, if you're coordinating lots 382 00:21:33,359 --> 00:21:35,800 Speaker 1: of traveling places, what do you see people do that 383 00:21:35,840 --> 00:21:38,520 Speaker 1: makes for a happy family. Yeah. One thing that made 384 00:21:38,560 --> 00:21:40,040 Speaker 1: a lot of sense is, you know a lot of 385 00:21:40,040 --> 00:21:42,600 Speaker 1: the time when kids are kind of climbing the levels 386 00:21:42,600 --> 00:21:46,800 Speaker 1: and becoming you know, these collegiate hopefuls, they end up 387 00:21:46,800 --> 00:21:49,439 Speaker 1: on these travel teams. They end up actually training with 388 00:21:49,560 --> 00:21:52,000 Speaker 1: clubs that are an hour from home. A lot of 389 00:21:52,040 --> 00:21:54,960 Speaker 1: figure skaters and gymnasts end up commuting as much as 390 00:21:55,000 --> 00:21:58,359 Speaker 1: two hours each way to practice, which is just like 391 00:21:58,520 --> 00:22:01,439 Speaker 1: mind blowingly insane, right, But they're like, well, if she 392 00:22:01,480 --> 00:22:03,360 Speaker 1: wants to train with this coach, that's what she's got 393 00:22:03,400 --> 00:22:05,359 Speaker 1: to do. So one of the girls that I used 394 00:22:05,400 --> 00:22:08,199 Speaker 1: to coach, her family got her a driver. They were like, 395 00:22:08,240 --> 00:22:10,080 Speaker 1: if you want to go and train with this coach, 396 00:22:10,600 --> 00:22:13,760 Speaker 1: then we're getting you a driver because we can't. We 397 00:22:13,800 --> 00:22:16,760 Speaker 1: cannot be driving an hour each way for a four 398 00:22:16,800 --> 00:22:19,639 Speaker 1: hour practice. That's just not going to work. But we 399 00:22:19,760 --> 00:22:21,960 Speaker 1: support you, So this is what we're going to do, 400 00:22:22,359 --> 00:22:24,560 Speaker 1: you know. And then there's obviously all the like the 401 00:22:24,680 --> 00:22:31,080 Speaker 1: carpool carpool Jenga, like how to make sure that everybody's covered. 402 00:22:31,119 --> 00:22:33,879 Speaker 1: But I think that's something that you know. I was like, 403 00:22:33,960 --> 00:22:38,000 Speaker 1: you get a driver, Well that's brilliant. But then that's 404 00:22:38,040 --> 00:22:40,199 Speaker 1: just okay. She just knows like I get picked up 405 00:22:40,200 --> 00:22:41,880 Speaker 1: from high school and then I get taken over here 406 00:22:42,000 --> 00:22:44,920 Speaker 1: and that worked out really well for that family. Now 407 00:22:44,920 --> 00:22:48,760 Speaker 1: she's competing at UCLA, so good investment, good investment for them. Yeah, 408 00:22:48,800 --> 00:22:50,679 Speaker 1: although I mean that's the kind of thing I think 409 00:22:50,720 --> 00:22:52,800 Speaker 1: a lot of people are like, oh, but it could 410 00:22:52,800 --> 00:22:56,160 Speaker 1: pay off in X and that's I mean not necessarily 411 00:22:56,240 --> 00:23:01,560 Speaker 1: going to be a helpful mindset in terms of the neutrality. Yes, 412 00:23:01,960 --> 00:23:06,800 Speaker 1: and that's a great point. Okay, Yeah, because the chances 413 00:23:06,880 --> 00:23:10,160 Speaker 1: of your little gymnast or your little you know, your 414 00:23:10,160 --> 00:23:14,119 Speaker 1: little tennis player actually getting that full ride to UCLA 415 00:23:14,359 --> 00:23:19,840 Speaker 1: or to Stanford or you know, are so extraordinarily slim that, 416 00:23:20,040 --> 00:23:24,760 Speaker 1: you know, every recruiting expert will say academics is your 417 00:23:25,040 --> 00:23:27,959 Speaker 1: best bet. You know, if you're trying to and if 418 00:23:28,000 --> 00:23:29,760 Speaker 1: you're trying to get your kid a scholarship, then like 419 00:23:30,040 --> 00:23:31,439 Speaker 1: I'm going to slap you right on the hand and 420 00:23:31,480 --> 00:23:35,199 Speaker 1: be like neutral, Yeah, love your child, give them what 421 00:23:35,840 --> 00:23:39,560 Speaker 1: you know, the opportunities, and then allow them to either 422 00:23:40,119 --> 00:23:43,640 Speaker 1: you know, go after something or not. And then your 423 00:23:43,720 --> 00:23:46,120 Speaker 1: job is to help them figure out the life lessons like, oh, 424 00:23:46,160 --> 00:23:49,160 Speaker 1: you didn't get into that ap class. Okay, let's talk 425 00:23:49,200 --> 00:23:52,960 Speaker 1: about what was within your control, and we're going to 426 00:23:53,119 --> 00:23:55,320 Speaker 1: you know, if that's what you're aiming for and the 427 00:23:55,400 --> 00:23:57,639 Speaker 1: next year, then this is what like what do you 428 00:23:57,760 --> 00:24:00,440 Speaker 1: think needs to be done to allow that to happen. 429 00:24:00,960 --> 00:24:04,240 Speaker 1: So letting them take the lead also is going to 430 00:24:04,320 --> 00:24:06,640 Speaker 1: fend off burnout because if they feel like they're doing 431 00:24:06,680 --> 00:24:10,480 Speaker 1: something for you or for their coach, or for that 432 00:24:10,600 --> 00:24:15,320 Speaker 1: scholarship or for grandma, then they are ultimately a lot 433 00:24:15,400 --> 00:24:18,600 Speaker 1: more likely to end up burned out. Yeah, and let's 434 00:24:18,600 --> 00:24:21,480 Speaker 1: talk about the finances of this too, because you know, 435 00:24:21,840 --> 00:24:24,280 Speaker 1: you said the parents' responsibility. The rides we've been talking 436 00:24:24,280 --> 00:24:25,639 Speaker 1: with just sticks here. Get a driver if you can, 437 00:24:25,640 --> 00:24:29,320 Speaker 1: obviously a better expensive as as training with you know, 438 00:24:29,440 --> 00:24:32,800 Speaker 1: a fancy coach at a fancy facility, you know, the 439 00:24:32,800 --> 00:24:35,959 Speaker 1: equipment whatever, or parental time that's invested in it. I mean, 440 00:24:35,960 --> 00:24:38,359 Speaker 1: all of this is very expensive. I wonder if you 441 00:24:38,400 --> 00:24:41,920 Speaker 1: see any guidelines here too that help for maintaining a 442 00:24:42,320 --> 00:24:47,399 Speaker 1: sane family life when you are faced with these sorts 443 00:24:47,400 --> 00:24:51,520 Speaker 1: of potential expenses. Yeah, so this is hard. This is 444 00:24:51,560 --> 00:24:54,239 Speaker 1: so hard because you know, one of the things that 445 00:24:54,280 --> 00:24:56,200 Speaker 1: we do is we make sure to not talk about 446 00:24:56,240 --> 00:24:58,480 Speaker 1: finances on the phone when we're talking with the kid 447 00:24:58,520 --> 00:25:01,280 Speaker 1: and the mom about you know, working with us, because 448 00:25:01,320 --> 00:25:04,679 Speaker 1: it's again, we don't want to add extra pressure. And 449 00:25:04,720 --> 00:25:06,399 Speaker 1: I think you know something I hear a lot of 450 00:25:06,400 --> 00:25:09,000 Speaker 1: parents doing is like, we are spending so much on this, 451 00:25:09,160 --> 00:25:13,399 Speaker 1: you better xyz, you better show up with a smile 452 00:25:13,440 --> 00:25:16,000 Speaker 1: on your face or you better you know. Because of that, 453 00:25:16,880 --> 00:25:20,560 Speaker 1: And so it's like I see these new families in 454 00:25:20,600 --> 00:25:22,400 Speaker 1: like the Facebook groups that are like, we just signed 455 00:25:22,480 --> 00:25:24,320 Speaker 1: up for the team, Like what should we expect? And 456 00:25:24,320 --> 00:25:27,680 Speaker 1: they're like, expect to be broke, kiss your vacations. Goodbye. 457 00:25:27,760 --> 00:25:32,000 Speaker 1: It's like this whole sort of like goodbye finances. It's 458 00:25:32,040 --> 00:25:36,119 Speaker 1: now going into travel softball. My watch, just listening to me, 459 00:25:36,960 --> 00:25:40,200 Speaker 1: creeping on me. But I mean, what what I would 460 00:25:40,200 --> 00:25:42,520 Speaker 1: say is like, how can you be neutral if it's 461 00:25:42,560 --> 00:25:47,960 Speaker 1: something that is legitimately a financial hardship? Can you still 462 00:25:48,000 --> 00:25:53,240 Speaker 1: be neutral? Can you still be okay with your athlete 463 00:25:53,280 --> 00:25:58,520 Speaker 1: being imperfect, with them not always having the capacity to perform, 464 00:25:59,160 --> 00:26:03,560 Speaker 1: with them having a bad year? Can you the parent 465 00:26:04,480 --> 00:26:07,119 Speaker 1: fill your own cup? Make sure that you are setting 466 00:26:07,160 --> 00:26:11,480 Speaker 1: boundaries around like if we can't afford this, that's going 467 00:26:11,560 --> 00:26:15,399 Speaker 1: to create that stress that's going to then make the 468 00:26:15,480 --> 00:26:19,040 Speaker 1: whole experience, you know, the pressure that that child will 469 00:26:19,119 --> 00:26:23,920 Speaker 1: feel to perform because they can't, well, my family can't 470 00:26:23,960 --> 00:26:26,320 Speaker 1: afford college. I've talk to kids, my family can't afford college, 471 00:26:26,359 --> 00:26:28,760 Speaker 1: so I have to get a scholarship or else. And 472 00:26:28,800 --> 00:26:31,679 Speaker 1: anytime a kid is coming from I have to or else, 473 00:26:32,840 --> 00:26:38,040 Speaker 1: they automatically ratchet their anxiety up ten times. So like, 474 00:26:38,160 --> 00:26:41,359 Speaker 1: if you can't afford it, awesome, Like, don't make it 475 00:26:41,400 --> 00:26:44,680 Speaker 1: about that, make it about like I spend too much 476 00:26:44,760 --> 00:26:48,760 Speaker 1: on little kid ballet. But I'm not gonna like make 477 00:26:49,000 --> 00:26:51,639 Speaker 1: you know, it's my choice as the grown up that 478 00:26:51,680 --> 00:26:54,520 Speaker 1: I'm choosing to do this, So I gotta let that 479 00:26:54,560 --> 00:26:57,520 Speaker 1: go and just allow the kid to have their experience 480 00:26:57,640 --> 00:27:01,360 Speaker 1: and then learn those life lessons. And speaking of life lessons, 481 00:27:01,480 --> 00:27:04,720 Speaker 1: when is it okay to quit? Because I'm sure we 482 00:27:04,800 --> 00:27:07,000 Speaker 1: have all had the situation of a child who seems 483 00:27:07,000 --> 00:27:10,200 Speaker 1: to be actually pretty good at something, yeah, then deciding 484 00:27:10,320 --> 00:27:12,280 Speaker 1: for whatever reason that they do not wish to do 485 00:27:12,320 --> 00:27:16,200 Speaker 1: it anymore. And is there a way to I mean, 486 00:27:16,760 --> 00:27:19,400 Speaker 1: obviously you could say yes, and that's that's a full 487 00:27:19,560 --> 00:27:23,160 Speaker 1: sentence right there. Yeah, but I think if there may 488 00:27:23,160 --> 00:27:25,640 Speaker 1: be other issues going on then too. I mean, for instance, 489 00:27:25,800 --> 00:27:27,760 Speaker 1: you know, are we also learning the lesson that if 490 00:27:27,760 --> 00:27:30,000 Speaker 1: we feel anxiety about something, we walk away from it, 491 00:27:30,640 --> 00:27:34,720 Speaker 1: And so there's complications here. So what is your sort 492 00:27:34,760 --> 00:27:37,159 Speaker 1: of process for when it is okay to quit or 493 00:27:37,200 --> 00:27:40,960 Speaker 1: how to quit something? Yes, so the this and I 494 00:27:41,000 --> 00:27:42,840 Speaker 1: get both end of the spectrum on this question, the 495 00:27:43,000 --> 00:27:46,520 Speaker 1: like is it okay to quit? And should we just 496 00:27:46,600 --> 00:27:49,360 Speaker 1: quit for goodness sake? Can we just not do this anymore? 497 00:27:50,160 --> 00:27:52,479 Speaker 1: And what I say is that it always should be 498 00:27:52,520 --> 00:27:56,200 Speaker 1: the athlete's choice. You know, anyone who is above the 499 00:27:56,240 --> 00:28:00,000 Speaker 1: age of ten, especially your adolescence. You know you're you're eleven, twelve, thirteen, 500 00:28:00,040 --> 00:28:03,640 Speaker 1: fourteen year olds, they are being pulled in a social direction. Developmentally, 501 00:28:04,119 --> 00:28:06,040 Speaker 1: their whole task in life is to figure out who 502 00:28:06,040 --> 00:28:09,600 Speaker 1: am I? Who do I want to be? Those kids 503 00:28:09,640 --> 00:28:11,760 Speaker 1: have got to have the agency to make their choice. 504 00:28:11,840 --> 00:28:14,040 Speaker 1: You know, if you've said yes to the competitive team, 505 00:28:14,440 --> 00:28:16,640 Speaker 1: the train has left the station and it is now 506 00:28:16,680 --> 00:28:20,840 Speaker 1: the athlete's choice. And if they come home in tears, 507 00:28:21,560 --> 00:28:25,119 Speaker 1: do not say should we just quit? It's okay, you 508 00:28:25,200 --> 00:28:28,640 Speaker 1: can quit, because what the kid hears is you don't 509 00:28:28,640 --> 00:28:31,120 Speaker 1: believe in me. You don't think I can get through this. 510 00:28:32,760 --> 00:28:34,600 Speaker 1: And then on the other end, if they come home 511 00:28:34,640 --> 00:28:37,160 Speaker 1: and say I don't want to do this anymore, that's 512 00:28:37,200 --> 00:28:39,960 Speaker 1: when we got to send our ninja listening skills out 513 00:28:40,040 --> 00:28:43,400 Speaker 1: and be these amazing empathetic parents who are like, we 514 00:28:43,440 --> 00:28:46,400 Speaker 1: are responding so much money and so much time, and 515 00:28:46,840 --> 00:28:48,760 Speaker 1: what do you mean quit? And you're so talented, you 516 00:28:48,880 --> 00:28:51,480 Speaker 1: just like you find you're neutral and then you just 517 00:28:51,960 --> 00:28:56,240 Speaker 1: listen and then you My favorite move for parent conversations 518 00:28:56,320 --> 00:28:59,560 Speaker 1: like this is you literally repeat back the exact words. 519 00:29:00,120 --> 00:29:03,080 Speaker 1: So they say, mom, I don't want to do this anymore, 520 00:29:03,400 --> 00:29:06,120 Speaker 1: and you go, oh, little Jimmy, you don't want to 521 00:29:06,120 --> 00:29:09,440 Speaker 1: do this anymore. And they're like, no because blah blah blah, 522 00:29:09,480 --> 00:29:11,400 Speaker 1: and you go, oh because blah blah blah. And you 523 00:29:11,640 --> 00:29:13,040 Speaker 1: so what you want to do is fix it and 524 00:29:13,120 --> 00:29:14,640 Speaker 1: be like, but you're so talented, and we should do this, 525 00:29:14,680 --> 00:29:16,000 Speaker 1: and we'll get you a new coach and we'll do 526 00:29:16,040 --> 00:29:18,880 Speaker 1: this and we'll change it. But instead you just listen. 527 00:29:19,560 --> 00:29:21,400 Speaker 1: And then what happens is that they hear their words 528 00:29:21,440 --> 00:29:23,000 Speaker 1: coming back at them and they go, well that sounds 529 00:29:23,040 --> 00:29:25,120 Speaker 1: kind of crazy. Wait a second when you put it 530 00:29:25,160 --> 00:29:28,479 Speaker 1: that way, well, no, I don't totally hate it. And 531 00:29:28,520 --> 00:29:31,160 Speaker 1: so then they you give them this safe space where 532 00:29:31,160 --> 00:29:34,360 Speaker 1: they don't feel judged. They can talk about, actually, my 533 00:29:34,440 --> 00:29:37,200 Speaker 1: coach doesn't believe in me, and my teammates are rude, 534 00:29:37,240 --> 00:29:39,440 Speaker 1: and there's drama at school, and you get down to 535 00:29:39,480 --> 00:29:43,680 Speaker 1: what's really going on, and if ultimately doing that, you know, 536 00:29:44,000 --> 00:29:48,160 Speaker 1: really awesome mindful listening, you come up with like, my 537 00:29:48,200 --> 00:29:50,560 Speaker 1: heart's not in it, and I really want to go 538 00:29:50,640 --> 00:29:54,160 Speaker 1: to art class after school, then you can go, Okay, buddy, 539 00:29:54,200 --> 00:29:56,479 Speaker 1: let's finish out the season. I got you, and if 540 00:29:56,480 --> 00:29:58,760 Speaker 1: you change your mind, we can decide at that point. 541 00:29:59,120 --> 00:30:02,880 Speaker 1: But that's where that that neutral, good listening can just 542 00:30:03,080 --> 00:30:05,840 Speaker 1: change everything with your relationship with them and their relationship 543 00:30:05,840 --> 00:30:10,080 Speaker 1: with their sport. Excellent advice. Well, we always end with 544 00:30:10,160 --> 00:30:13,280 Speaker 1: a love of the week, so I could go first 545 00:30:13,400 --> 00:30:17,080 Speaker 1: here because it's you know, just so you have a 546 00:30:17,120 --> 00:30:20,000 Speaker 1: second to think about it. I'm going to say that 547 00:30:20,440 --> 00:30:21,960 Speaker 1: my hair is a little messy because I just came 548 00:30:21,960 --> 00:30:26,000 Speaker 1: from a massage in terms of filling one's own cup 549 00:30:26,520 --> 00:30:28,840 Speaker 1: when dealing with various things in life, a couple of 550 00:30:28,880 --> 00:30:32,280 Speaker 1: various kid situations going on, but it helps to feel 551 00:30:32,280 --> 00:30:35,600 Speaker 1: a bit more relaxed. So I'm feeling like that is 552 00:30:35,640 --> 00:30:38,120 Speaker 1: my love of the week currently. How about you, Rebecca, 553 00:30:39,080 --> 00:30:41,840 Speaker 1: as I get online and book my next massage? Yes, good, 554 00:30:41,920 --> 00:30:45,440 Speaker 1: good call. Mine is hiking. The sun is starting to 555 00:30:45,480 --> 00:30:48,040 Speaker 1: come out in northern California and I have been on 556 00:30:48,240 --> 00:30:52,520 Speaker 1: the mountain with my doggie, and I mean it just 557 00:30:52,600 --> 00:30:55,280 Speaker 1: it feels a little indulgent to just disappear on a 558 00:30:55,320 --> 00:30:58,480 Speaker 1: Saturday morning for like three hours with my girlfriend and 559 00:30:58,520 --> 00:31:02,560 Speaker 1: my dog, and and then I come home ready to rock, 560 00:31:02,760 --> 00:31:05,600 Speaker 1: like ready to mom, and like if you've got a 561 00:31:05,640 --> 00:31:08,480 Speaker 1: mountain and a little bit of sunshine. Oh, hiking is 562 00:31:08,520 --> 00:31:10,920 Speaker 1: so good. Hiking is good. We don't have many mountains 563 00:31:10,920 --> 00:31:13,560 Speaker 1: around here, but maybe a little ways away, not big ones. 564 00:31:14,400 --> 00:31:19,160 Speaker 1: A hill, Well, I climb the hill. Awesome. Well, Rebecca, 565 00:31:19,200 --> 00:31:22,080 Speaker 1: tell our listeners where they can find you. They can 566 00:31:22,120 --> 00:31:24,479 Speaker 1: find my coaching program at perform happy dot com. And 567 00:31:24,520 --> 00:31:27,840 Speaker 1: we have tons of free resources for parents in our 568 00:31:27,920 --> 00:31:32,120 Speaker 1: free Facebook group. It's called Sport Confidence Accelerator. Come check 569 00:31:32,200 --> 00:31:34,400 Speaker 1: us out. It's a bunch of sport parents who are 570 00:31:34,400 --> 00:31:37,920 Speaker 1: all just trying to hack this thing together. Excellent or 571 00:31:38,120 --> 00:31:40,880 Speaker 1: repbacka thank you so much for joining us, thank you 572 00:31:40,920 --> 00:31:44,400 Speaker 1: for having me. Well, that was great talking with Rebecca 573 00:31:44,480 --> 00:31:50,600 Speaker 1: Smith about sports parenting. Please go check out her podcast. So, Sarah, 574 00:31:50,640 --> 00:31:54,840 Speaker 1: this question from a listener, what are some good physical 575 00:31:54,880 --> 00:31:59,040 Speaker 1: activities for kids who may not be naturally athletic or 576 00:31:59,080 --> 00:32:02,040 Speaker 1: into team sports. The idea is that the listener has 577 00:32:02,080 --> 00:32:05,880 Speaker 1: taken a long time to find exercise as an adult, 578 00:32:06,680 --> 00:32:12,400 Speaker 1: that said listener does not hate, so hoping to keep 579 00:32:12,480 --> 00:32:18,400 Speaker 1: children from hating exercise, but having similar genes. What would 580 00:32:18,400 --> 00:32:21,200 Speaker 1: we suggest. I think a lot of the ones my 581 00:32:21,320 --> 00:32:23,840 Speaker 1: kids do are actually kind of in that category. Not 582 00:32:23,880 --> 00:32:26,440 Speaker 1: the soccer. Soccer especially like down here, there are so 583 00:32:26,480 --> 00:32:29,000 Speaker 1: many kids who start intensively doing it at age four, 584 00:32:29,040 --> 00:32:31,640 Speaker 1: and then by eight, if you haven't been regularly training, 585 00:32:31,680 --> 00:32:34,040 Speaker 1: you're like behind the eight ball. Tennis can be like 586 00:32:34,080 --> 00:32:35,960 Speaker 1: that too, but I feel like there's like a nice 587 00:32:36,000 --> 00:32:38,520 Speaker 1: stratification in tennis where there's like the hardcore people and 588 00:32:38,520 --> 00:32:39,960 Speaker 1: then there's like a lot of people that do it 589 00:32:40,000 --> 00:32:43,200 Speaker 1: much more casually, and it's an individual sport, and I 590 00:32:43,200 --> 00:32:45,960 Speaker 1: mean it's supposed to be kind of recreational. I have 591 00:32:46,040 --> 00:32:49,560 Speaker 1: some patients really into golf, so my kids don't do that, 592 00:32:49,600 --> 00:32:53,040 Speaker 1: but that's like a popular Florida thing. Horseback riding is 593 00:32:53,080 --> 00:32:55,520 Speaker 1: an active thing that is completely different from a lot 594 00:32:55,520 --> 00:32:59,040 Speaker 1: of sports my kids like ice skating. Annabelle especially really 595 00:32:59,160 --> 00:33:02,320 Speaker 1: enjoyed that, and again she's not like into the team sports. 596 00:33:02,640 --> 00:33:05,080 Speaker 1: And then Laura mentioned like parkour and ninja and I 597 00:33:05,080 --> 00:33:07,560 Speaker 1: think those are like really really fun classes for kids. 598 00:33:07,560 --> 00:33:10,479 Speaker 1: There's gyms down here that do like American Ninjas warrior 599 00:33:10,480 --> 00:33:13,280 Speaker 1: style training and the goals like they're competing against themselves 600 00:33:13,280 --> 00:33:15,480 Speaker 1: they're not trying to beat the other people. It's like 601 00:33:15,520 --> 00:33:18,440 Speaker 1: what skills can you learn? Yeah, no, anything that it's 602 00:33:18,840 --> 00:33:22,160 Speaker 1: it's more sort of individual oriented, like improving upon your 603 00:33:22,200 --> 00:33:25,239 Speaker 1: own stuff as opposed to competing with anyone else. I mean, 604 00:33:25,240 --> 00:33:27,280 Speaker 1: that's certainly one of the things we've liked about karate. 605 00:33:27,360 --> 00:33:29,280 Speaker 1: I'm not sure how long we'll stay with it, but 606 00:33:29,480 --> 00:33:32,680 Speaker 1: just you know it. The kids are constantly earning new 607 00:33:32,680 --> 00:33:35,280 Speaker 1: belts and so it's giving them a new term goal. 608 00:33:35,360 --> 00:33:38,400 Speaker 1: It's a ninety day goal. As we've heard from Tenise 609 00:33:38,400 --> 00:33:42,080 Speaker 1: Shawalker a few weeks ago, that it's a great period 610 00:33:42,120 --> 00:33:43,520 Speaker 1: of time for adults, and it turns out to be 611 00:33:43,520 --> 00:33:45,520 Speaker 1: pretty good for kids too, Like it's long enough that 612 00:33:45,600 --> 00:33:47,280 Speaker 1: you have to put some effort into it and learn 613 00:33:47,360 --> 00:33:49,920 Speaker 1: multiple things to get there. But it's also, you know, 614 00:33:50,080 --> 00:33:52,760 Speaker 1: not years, which a kid would lose interest quickly if 615 00:33:52,800 --> 00:33:56,120 Speaker 1: you're not moving forward for years. So that's been something 616 00:33:56,120 --> 00:33:58,480 Speaker 1: good with that. I you know, put in a word 617 00:33:58,480 --> 00:34:02,760 Speaker 1: for rock climbing. Witch is again some you know, kids 618 00:34:02,760 --> 00:34:06,360 Speaker 1: who might not have been great with their legs might 619 00:34:06,400 --> 00:34:11,200 Speaker 1: be better with their arms. And it's more about and 620 00:34:11,520 --> 00:34:14,560 Speaker 1: so nobody has got the upper body strength naturally. I 621 00:34:14,600 --> 00:34:16,200 Speaker 1: guess as a little kid, and so you have to 622 00:34:16,239 --> 00:34:19,359 Speaker 1: learn it no matter what you're coming from. And it's 623 00:34:19,400 --> 00:34:23,640 Speaker 1: also about your level of kind of risk taking and 624 00:34:23,680 --> 00:34:28,319 Speaker 1: comfort with that as opposed to how naturally strong you are, 625 00:34:28,480 --> 00:34:31,160 Speaker 1: So some kids can get into it who are not 626 00:34:31,200 --> 00:34:34,839 Speaker 1: necessarily into it, you know, other sports. I think I'm 627 00:34:34,880 --> 00:34:37,440 Speaker 1: finding fencing to be pretty good to the place we're 628 00:34:37,440 --> 00:34:40,560 Speaker 1: taking Sam. They run them around the post for thirty 629 00:34:40,560 --> 00:34:42,919 Speaker 1: minutes at the start of the class, like, so they're 630 00:34:42,960 --> 00:34:45,439 Speaker 1: just doing conditioning for the first thirty minutes, so that's 631 00:34:46,000 --> 00:34:50,480 Speaker 1: good for aerobic and strength training, and then they have 632 00:34:50,600 --> 00:34:53,680 Speaker 1: the swords whenever they're doing with those. I don't know 633 00:34:53,719 --> 00:34:55,480 Speaker 1: the terminology. I'm just sort of sitting there on my 634 00:34:55,600 --> 00:34:59,040 Speaker 1: laptop when it's going on. But you know, so it's 635 00:34:59,080 --> 00:35:02,880 Speaker 1: a good combination of stuff and an intro class. You know. 636 00:35:03,360 --> 00:35:05,400 Speaker 1: They obviously we're focused on safety, so you're not going 637 00:35:05,480 --> 00:35:08,680 Speaker 1: to get hurt with doing that. So yeah, that's that's 638 00:35:08,680 --> 00:35:11,480 Speaker 1: been a good one too. I think I'm would have 639 00:35:11,480 --> 00:35:13,680 Speaker 1: trouble watching my kid with that long I'd have to 640 00:35:13,680 --> 00:35:15,640 Speaker 1: look elsewhere, but I would let them do it. I 641 00:35:15,680 --> 00:35:17,360 Speaker 1: would just not watch. But I think they have to 642 00:35:17,360 --> 00:35:19,080 Speaker 1: be old like they have to be over eight to 643 00:35:19,120 --> 00:35:20,640 Speaker 1: do it, and it's like old enough where you're not 644 00:35:20,680 --> 00:35:22,120 Speaker 1: going to like whack people in the head with it 645 00:35:22,160 --> 00:35:24,400 Speaker 1: when you're not supposed to be whacking anyone in the 646 00:35:24,440 --> 00:35:29,440 Speaker 1: head with it, or accidentally, I didn't mean to do that, 647 00:35:29,480 --> 00:35:33,319 Speaker 1: but it just happened, all right. Well, this has been 648 00:35:33,640 --> 00:35:36,000 Speaker 1: Best of Both Worlds Episode two hundred and thirty eight. 649 00:35:36,000 --> 00:35:39,480 Speaker 1: We've been talking with Rebecca Smith about sports parenting. We 650 00:35:39,560 --> 00:35:41,560 Speaker 1: will be back next week with more on making work 651 00:35:41,560 --> 00:35:46,120 Speaker 1: in life together. Thanks for listening. You can find me 652 00:35:46,360 --> 00:35:50,200 Speaker 1: Sarah at the shoebox dot com or at the Underscore 653 00:35:50,239 --> 00:35:53,720 Speaker 1: shoe Box on Instagram, and you can find me Laura 654 00:35:54,080 --> 00:35:57,359 Speaker 1: at Laura vandercam dot com. This has been the Best 655 00:35:57,440 --> 00:36:00,960 Speaker 1: of Both Worlds podcasts. Please join us next time for 656 00:36:01,080 --> 00:36:03,480 Speaker 1: more on making work and life work together.