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Speaker 1: Hey guys, It shigarratt Ebenez aka The Professional Homegirl, and

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Speaker 1: before we dive into this week's episode, let's take care

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Speaker 1: of a few quick housekeeping items. Be sure to follow

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Speaker 1: me at the Professional Homegirl on Instagram TikTok, and don't

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Speaker 1: forget to subscribe to my YouTube page. Also, don't forget

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Speaker 1: to follow at the PSG podcast on Instagram so that

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Speaker 1: we can kick key about all of the episodes. And

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Speaker 1: if you are enjoying our conversations on the show, show

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Speaker 1: some love by leaving a five star review on Apple Podcasts.

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Speaker 1: Remember hold me down, don't hold me up. Okay. In

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Speaker 1: case this week's episode brings up any discomfort or triggers,

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Speaker 1: always remember to prioritize your well being and mental health first.

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Speaker 1: I love y'all deep and until next time, every one.

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Speaker 1: Later in part one of this week's episode, my guest

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Speaker 1: would be sharing a deeply personal and rarely discussed topic

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Speaker 1: within black communities. She would dive into her family's biggest secret,

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Speaker 1: where her mother is also her biological sister. This candid

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Speaker 1: conversation promises to provide valuable insights and perspectives on the

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Speaker 1: subject that often remains concealed fostering a more open and

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Speaker 1: empathetic dialogue within our community. So to my guests, thank

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Speaker 1: you so much for coming on a show. How you feeling,

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Speaker 1: how you doing?

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Speaker 2: I am good, I'm good. I'm blessed to be here.

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Speaker 1: Okay, we're blessed to have you child. Now, have you

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Speaker 1: ever came across the topic of incests before you found

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Speaker 1: out about your family secret? And if you have, where

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Speaker 1: were your thoughts about it?

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Speaker 2: When I found out about When I found out that

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Speaker 2: I was the family secret, I had never I was

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Speaker 2: like twelve thirteen years old. I had never known anything

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Speaker 2: about incests whatsoever. And as a matter of fact, when

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Speaker 2: I not too long after I learned about my conception

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Speaker 2: and I learned about how I came to be, I

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Speaker 2: ended up in foster care, completely disconnected from my natural

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Speaker 2: family for a while. So it actually wasn't until I

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Speaker 2: was an adult that well. I ended up back in

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Speaker 2: Michigan with my grandmother when I was seventeen, a senior

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Speaker 2: in high school. But even that year that I stayed

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Speaker 2: with my grandparents, there really was no conversation because I

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Speaker 2: had been living an emotional turmoil about it. Because one

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Speaker 2: of the many questions that I would always ask God,

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Speaker 2: was why wouldn't my grandmother allow this? And then not once,

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Speaker 2: but twice. You know. So I was battling emotionally with

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Speaker 2: not wanting to be offensive to my grandmother and I

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Speaker 2: want you to hurt her feelings because I absolutely loved

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Speaker 2: her and a daughter. But I had so many questions

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Speaker 2: that I knew would cost other people harm, emotional harm,

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Speaker 2: So I refrained from asking those questions, but ended up

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Speaker 2: being a coming to a young mother myself speaking with

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Speaker 2: older cousins who knew more than I actually did.

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Speaker 1: Well, you know, the cousins always got the tea.

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Speaker 2: Yes, always into find figuring out that my brother, who

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Speaker 2: I really didn't know because he was born the same

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Speaker 2: way that I was. My mother was raped by her

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Speaker 2: father a year later. So I have a biological brother,

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Speaker 2: full black biological brother.

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Speaker 1: Oh you didn't tell that a documentary.

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Speaker 2: Right, Wow? It happened two summers in a row with

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Speaker 2: my mother.

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Speaker 1: Oh wow, God bless your mother. Man. I mean, we're

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Speaker 1: gonna talk about her situation, your relationship were her towards

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Speaker 1: you know, once we get to your the meat of

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Speaker 1: your story. But ran that is heartbreaking.

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Speaker 2: Yes, So when I was when I became an adult

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Speaker 2: and was talking to my cousins about it and learning

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Speaker 2: about this brother that I really didn't know, only had

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Speaker 2: heard of the bits and pieces, and I realized, so

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Speaker 2: what happened now once but twice, and that took me

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Speaker 2: back to more frustrating with my grandmother. And then it

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Speaker 2: got pushed up because I became a young mother really quick.

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Speaker 2: So my attention span went to, I need to make

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Speaker 2: sure that my daughter never deals with molestation. My daughter

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Speaker 2: never sees me taking on vices to deal with trauma.

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Speaker 2: My daughter never deals with anything that I dealt with,

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Speaker 2: And so all of my time and attention and all

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Speaker 2: of my energy went into providing for my daughter naturally

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Speaker 2: i e. Financially and then also taking care of her

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Speaker 2: every day needs. So things kind of got put on

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Speaker 2: a back burner until she was maybe eight nineteen years old,

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Speaker 2: and God still talking to me, God still dealing with

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Speaker 2: me as he had been since Hour's little girl. I

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Speaker 2: began to realize the issues that I still struggle with

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Speaker 2: with people and relationships is because I am harboring this trauma.

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Speaker 2: I have not talked about it, and it is eating

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Speaker 2: me up and it is causing me to not be

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Speaker 2: able to truly heal. It's causing me to not truly

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Speaker 2: be delivered in these now.

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Speaker 1: With this part of your life right right?

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Speaker 2: And so I began to seek God because if my

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Speaker 2: family won't really talk about it, because I'm the family secret,

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Speaker 2: I'll go to God about it. And God began to

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Speaker 2: point me into different directions that would allow me to

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Speaker 2: get information bit by bit right, getting that information bit

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Speaker 2: by bit with just as much of a blow with

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Speaker 2: the information that I got is my own information. Because

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Speaker 2: when you grow up the family secret, you're thinking that

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Speaker 2: you're the black sheep, you're the different one, only to

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Speaker 2: find out that you're not.

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Speaker 1: Where's your brother at now?

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Speaker 2: In prison?

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Speaker 1: Wow?

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Speaker 2: Yes, my brother's in prison?

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Speaker 1: Mask what do what he did?

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Speaker 2: Yes?

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Speaker 1: Because I'm pretty I feel like a lot of people

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Speaker 1: don't understand like situations like this can really affect someone's

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Speaker 1: mental well being.

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Speaker 2: Yes. And I was just speaking with someone a couple

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Speaker 2: of hours ago who called me from seeing my die coumentary,

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Speaker 2: and I was telling her the difference between my brother

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Speaker 2: and I are stark, and they are night and day like,

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Speaker 2: the physical differences and the emotional and the mental differences,

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Speaker 2: And the biggest takeaway that I want people to take

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Speaker 2: from my brother at night and how different we are

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Speaker 2: is the fact that he was raised outside of the family,

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Speaker 2: disconnected from our family completely. I was raised in the

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Speaker 2: family to a degree, but disconnected because of foster care.

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Speaker 2: But then reattached to the family.

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Speaker 1: Right, you have some type of relationship.

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Speaker 2: You would think that the path that he ended up

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Speaker 2: down would have been my path because he was disconnected

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Speaker 2: and I wasn't. But it doesn't matter where we are

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Speaker 2: raised or who we are raised by if those generational curses,

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Speaker 2: in those demonic covenants are not detached from us. Right,

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Speaker 2: even though he was raised outside of the family, he

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Speaker 2: still struggled and still struggles to this day with the

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Speaker 2: generational covenants and the demonic curses that are attached to

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Speaker 2: our blood line. Because you know, our father was a pedophile.

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Speaker 2: There's just no getting around that he had multiple young victims.

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Speaker 2: Our father was just a pedophile. You know.

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Speaker 1: That was my next question that was going to ask

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Speaker 1: you that Leaia on towards the interview. Do you think

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Speaker 1: your mother was the only Oh, No.

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Speaker 2: She definitely was. She definitely was not. But without going

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Speaker 2: into too much detail about my brother's people can google it.

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Speaker 2: Everybody knows our family. At twelve years old, he did

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Speaker 2: the same thing to his foster mother's five year old granddaughter.

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Speaker 1: Wow.

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Speaker 2: Out of the anger. Wow. So from twelve, from age

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Speaker 2: twelve on, he has had to deal with the legal system.

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Speaker 2: And I will say this on his behalf. From twelve

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Speaker 2: years old to forty three years old, I have never

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Speaker 2: known him to do anything else since that incident at

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Speaker 2: twelve years old. So I don't think that my brother.

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Speaker 2: I know that my brother is not a pedophile like

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Speaker 2: my father was, but that spirit still erupted in him

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Speaker 2: when he got angry enough with the person that his

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Speaker 2: mother figure. When he got angry with this mother figure

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Speaker 2: and he did not get what he was getting from her.

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Speaker 2: His way of getting back to her was to violate

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Speaker 2: her granddaughter because she adored her granddaughter right. And so

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Speaker 2: he has not been able to comfort up under the

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Speaker 2: mental issues that come when you have to live with

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Speaker 2: the fact that you did this and now this is

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Speaker 2: the life that you have to cobhitted yourself to because

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Speaker 2: the criminal system, the legal system, they put labels on you.

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Speaker 2: Society we put label they put labels on you. And

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Speaker 2: even as his sister, you know, my daughter is twenty

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Speaker 2: two years old, and when my brother and I would

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Speaker 2: start to try to have a relationship, and I don't

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Speaker 2: apologize because my daughter was my priority, but I would

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Speaker 2: always tell my daughter, you don't know him, I don't

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Speaker 2: really know him. Yeah, but you are to never ever

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Speaker 2: be along with him in a fashion form.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: No, the it would be completely No, my daughter has

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Speaker 2: to come first. I am not like my family members.

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Speaker 2: When they don't separate the pedophiles from the rest of

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Speaker 2: the family, they don't make them not come around. They

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Speaker 2: tell the children, that's your uncle, that's your this, that's

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Speaker 2: not who has ever been as a mother?

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Speaker 1: Why do you think black people are like that? And

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Speaker 1: I mean, I'm pretty sure other races are like that,

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Speaker 1: but I can only speak from my experience and the

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Speaker 1: stories I hear. I feel like that is very prominent

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Speaker 1: within our community.

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Speaker 2: It is because it's generational, it's cyclic, and it's all

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Speaker 2: they know. And if our elders will ever open up

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Speaker 2: their mouths and deal with that trauma and deal with

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Speaker 2: that pain, what you will hear is will it happen

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Speaker 2: to me?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, it happened in my home to.

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Speaker 2: A point to where it's almost normal to them, even

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Speaker 2: though you have these young children being adversely affected. You

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Speaker 2: know that you didn't like it when it happened to you.

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Speaker 2: It's still that norm that they don't know how to

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Speaker 2: break away from. And people like me and the family

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Speaker 2: who say, you know what, No, I've refused to accept this. Right,

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Speaker 2: we become problematic.

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Speaker 1: Right, You the issue, I'm the issue.

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Speaker 2: I'm crazy, right, something wrong with that girl? No, nothing's

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Speaker 2: wrong with me. As a matter of fact, there's something

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Speaker 2: wrong with you, guys, because this is not you guys

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Speaker 2: are okay going to the family reunion with all the perverts.

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Speaker 2: It's like you're leading sheep to a slaughter. Yeah, but

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Speaker 2: why are you okay with having us around these men

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Speaker 2: who you know have raped and molested throughout the line?

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Speaker 1: Yeah? You know what's so crazy? Because I do a

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Speaker 1: lot of conversations on topics that a lot of people

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Speaker 1: don't talk about within our communities, and obviously sexual abuse

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Speaker 1: is one of those topics that's like swept under the rug.

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Speaker 1: And you mentioned a couple of things that my previous

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Speaker 1: guests who share stories that's similar to yours have said

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Speaker 1: the exact same thing. Like one of my homegirls, she

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Speaker 1: came in the show and she shared her story being

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Speaker 1: molested by her brother, and she says she one of

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Speaker 1: the things that she's afraid of is being alone with

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Speaker 1: kids because she don't want that spirit to come out

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Speaker 1: and take hold of her. And I was like yeah,

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Speaker 1: and I was like damn, Like that kind of like

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Speaker 1: broke my heart because for you to be aware of

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Speaker 1: that and you're afraid to be around your nieces and nephews.

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Speaker 1: Even though I believe she has good intentions to something,

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Speaker 1: she would do anything, but I do believe there's a

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Speaker 1: spirit within our community that is like taking hold and

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Speaker 1: really hurting these kids. And then another good point you

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Speaker 1: made was I interviewed this lady. Her and her sister

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Speaker 1: had similar situations that you and your brother, and she

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Speaker 1: spoke about how the abuse affected both her and her

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Speaker 1: sister differently. So my guest was similar to your story

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Speaker 1: and why her sister was similar to your brother's story.

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Speaker 1: And it just shows you how like abuse can affect

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Speaker 1: people in meaning different ways.

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Speaker 2: Yep. The manifestation is definitely different depending on the situation,

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Speaker 2: depending on the person, depending on their spiritual prominence. Because

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Speaker 2: I know, beyond the shadow of a out that God

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Speaker 2: has said about me even at my incestuous conception that

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Speaker 2: one is mine. I have a plan for her, and

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Speaker 2: I am not going to allow her to be so

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Speaker 2: adversely affected by the works of the enemy that I

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Speaker 2: can't use her. So God has stayed even when I

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Speaker 2: was cursing him, even when I hated him, Because at

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Speaker 2: a nine, ten, eleven, twelve years old, what have I

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Speaker 2: done to welcome the kind of abuse that I was

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Speaker 2: born into? My grandmother singing about this God who is

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Speaker 2: so perfect, and she's always in church. But the God

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Speaker 2: that you keep singing about and bragging about don't seem

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Speaker 2: to know me. Yeah, you know, That's what it felt

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Speaker 2: like until he started talking to me at a young age.

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Speaker 2: Even when he started talking to me and I subconsciously

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Speaker 2: knew that he was indeed who he said he was, God,

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Speaker 2: I still had a strong resentment toward him because of

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Speaker 2: the stuff that I endured. What had to nurture that

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Speaker 2: relationship with me himself?

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Speaker 1: What are your thoughts on when people say there can't

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Speaker 1: be a God because of all the things that happens

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Speaker 1: to Because I was in a very traumatic childhood upbringing.

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Speaker 1: My mother used to beat the hell out of me

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Speaker 1: to like a pulp. My father is on drugs. You know,

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Speaker 1: I know people. I share stories about people going through

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Speaker 1: abuse and all that nature. So what is your thoughts

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Speaker 1: when people say that God can't be real, because if

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Speaker 1: he is real, why would here let his children go

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Speaker 1: through all this?

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Speaker 2: I like to make it a natural reflection God. I'm

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Speaker 2: a seer and God deals with me visually. So I

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Speaker 2: like to make a natural reflection for people. Because when

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Speaker 2: people have turned off God in their minds, nothing that

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Speaker 2: you say to them to try to get to them

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Speaker 2: will make them see what you see. So I take

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Speaker 2: it naturally. And my thing is this. You think, think

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Speaker 2: of a woman with eight kids. When you are carrying

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Speaker 2: that baby in your womb, your nurturing get in your womb.

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Speaker 2: You have all these ideas, You have all these plans

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Speaker 2: about what this child is gonna become, what they're gonna do,

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Speaker 2: how they're gonna look, how they're gonna do this, that

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Speaker 2: the third whatnot? That child comes out, and that child

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Speaker 2: gets to an age where they make it clear that

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Speaker 2: they are going to do the exact opposite of what

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Speaker 2: you have designed for them to do. As a mother,

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Speaker 2: you can't hold your child's hands twenty four to seven

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Speaker 2: to keep them from doing wrong. You can only put

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Speaker 2: in them what you think ought to be in them.

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Speaker 2: But that child goes out and that child murders somebody.

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Speaker 2: As a mother, do you stop loving your child as

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Speaker 2: a mother? Do your expectations for your child cease? Right?

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Speaker 2: You know, it doesn't mean that because your child went

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Speaker 2: out and did what he did, that you're not still

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Speaker 2: a mother. Your child made choices that they themselves walked into.

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Speaker 2: You didn't do it. People should ought not blame a

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Speaker 2: mother for a child going out committing murder, going out raping,

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Speaker 2: going out robins. As mothers, we can only do so much.

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Speaker 2: Once our children begin to make choices on their own,

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Speaker 2: we have to let them make those choices, and when

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Speaker 2: they decide to come back to us, we receive them

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Speaker 2: and we continue to love them. It is the same

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Speaker 2: with God. Unfortunately for us, God had this perfect plan

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Speaker 2: for us when he was creating mankind. But clearly, once

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Speaker 2: Adam and Eve partook of the fruit in the garden

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Speaker 2: of Eden, oh it was alright. We automatically had the

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Speaker 2: power of choice. And once we received the power of choice,

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Speaker 2: that's when all the havocs started to come about. Because

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Speaker 2: oh wait a minute, I have feelings. I have this,

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Speaker 2: I have that. God, I know what you said, but

295
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Speaker 2: this is what I want. And we have to remember

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Speaker 2: that God spent years and years and years watching his

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Speaker 2: creation do the complete opposite of what he wanted to do.

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Speaker 2: He had all these laws in place that were hard

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Speaker 2: to follow because people were choosing to a flesh. He

300
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Speaker 2: was ready to say, you know what, this is not

301
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Speaker 2: what I created, this is not what I designed. I'm done.

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Speaker 2: He was gonna destroy it and just start from scratcher,

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Speaker 2: possibly not even start over at all. That's the blood

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Speaker 2: Jesus was our saving grace.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, you know what, You make a good point, because

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Speaker 1: I do feel like God tried to start over a

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Speaker 1: couple of times. I didn't forget that.

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Speaker 2: Nobody wants to think about that. It's like we have

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Speaker 2: force pushed him into a corner so many times. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: to a point to where I tell people he had

311
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Speaker 2: to dumb down south Aastian, he had to dumb down Christianity.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, that slogan seas get degrees.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, guess what sees gets you in a heaven too.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: You can flow through doing the bare minimum and you

316
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Speaker 2: can still get into heaven.

317
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Speaker 1: Mm hmm.

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Speaker 2: It's easy for us to get in our emotion and

319
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Speaker 2: to say, well, this happened, and that happened, and that happened.

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Speaker 2: But there can't be a guy. Yes, there is a

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Speaker 2: guy because this is the thing. We now have the

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Speaker 2: power of choice. And not only do we have the

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Speaker 2: power of choice, but the enemy knows that we have

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Speaker 2: the power of choice. And because we have the power

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Speaker 2: of choice, he has greater womb to maneuver, to manipulate us,

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Speaker 2: to get us to do all those things that go

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Speaker 2: and gets yes. So at the root of it, God

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Speaker 2: is saying, I'm right here waiting for you to choose me.

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Speaker 2: I'm right here. I can't because you, guys know, have

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Speaker 2: the power of choice. I can't force my will on you.

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Speaker 2: I can't force you to do right. I can't force

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Speaker 2: you to do what I know you ought to be doing.

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Speaker 2: You have to choose me. When I gave up my

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Speaker 2: son Jesus for you, it meant that you have to

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Speaker 2: now make the conscious decision to choose me. And when

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Speaker 2: your choice is lead you down a path that I

337
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Speaker 2: did not call you down, you are going to have

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Speaker 2: to deal with the ramifications of those choices. And unfortunately,

339
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Speaker 2: not just you, but you and those attached to you. Yeah,

340
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Speaker 2: so you end up in a life of crime, you

341
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Speaker 2: end up a drug addict or prostitute or whatever, and

342
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Speaker 2: you have children attached to you. Guess what, They're gonna

343
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Speaker 2: inadvertently be affected by that. But that's not because of God.

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Speaker 2: That's because of the choices that you make. Now, God's

345
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Speaker 2: grace and god mercy, It's evident even in those situations.

346
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Speaker 2: And I'm a living example of that. Yeah. We all

347
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Speaker 2: says He will not allow us to endure more than

348
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Speaker 2: that which we have been to handle. Yeah, so all

349
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Speaker 2: the things that we have gone through, God has only

350
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Speaker 2: allowed it because he knows that even in the darkest

351
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Speaker 2: of those moments and those experiences, he has already equipped

352
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Speaker 2: us to come out of it and still be used

353
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Speaker 2: by him.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

355
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Speaker 2: I feel like we enemy a black guy about it.

356
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Speaker 1: I feel we about to go to church in this episode.

357
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Speaker 2: I'm telling you, God him good.

358
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Speaker 1: All the time. Okay, Wow, I'm just still thinking about

359
00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:42,679
Speaker 1: your brother. God bless him. So when you begin sharing

360
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Speaker 1: your story, how do people react? Because you know how

361
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Speaker 1: we are, like we you don't tell the family business,

362
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Speaker 1: Like what goes on in this house stays in this house.

363
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Speaker 2: Yes, from the family, I would get they're starting to

364
00:18:55,400 --> 00:18:58,359
Speaker 2: come around more now, but especially my grandmother's siblings, her

365
00:18:58,400 --> 00:19:01,840
Speaker 2: brothers in particular, tell too much? Why because you scared

366
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Speaker 2: of was gonna get revealed about you? You know?

367
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Speaker 1: And was your grandma the one that you loved and

368
00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:08,800
Speaker 1: spoke so holly about? Was that her husband?

369
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Speaker 2: No?

370
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Speaker 1: Okay, I didn't.

371
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Speaker 2: No, No, it wasn't her husband because he lived in

372
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Speaker 2: Saint Louis and my grandmother was married to another man.

373
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Speaker 2: But unfortunately, my family as a whole trauma and abuse.

374
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Speaker 2: If my family would get together and would just start

375
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Speaker 2: even my grandmother comes from probably close to thirty siblings. Wow, yeah,

376
00:19:35,119 --> 00:19:38,520
Speaker 2: so outside of that thirty siblings, even though it's pervasive

377
00:19:38,640 --> 00:19:41,320
Speaker 2: in all those lines, if my grandmother and hirs, my

378
00:19:41,359 --> 00:19:45,000
Speaker 2: grandmother's children and grandchildren and great grandchildren alone, if we

379
00:19:45,160 --> 00:19:48,000
Speaker 2: got to talking, the world will be looking at us like,

380
00:19:48,200 --> 00:19:51,680
Speaker 2: how in the world are y'all saying? Because it's a lot,

381
00:19:52,400 --> 00:19:53,680
Speaker 2: how much the stories?

382
00:19:53,800 --> 00:19:55,760
Speaker 1: How many kids you think were born in your family?

383
00:19:55,920 --> 00:19:57,800
Speaker 1: Similar to you and your brother's situation?

384
00:19:58,800 --> 00:20:01,520
Speaker 2: Who I finding out more and more. I have a

385
00:20:01,560 --> 00:20:03,959
Speaker 2: cousin who is older than me. She's a pastor now

386
00:20:04,000 --> 00:20:07,960
Speaker 2: in Las Vegas, I did not know how similar her

387
00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:10,359
Speaker 2: story was to mine until she wrote her book a

388
00:20:10,400 --> 00:20:15,240
Speaker 2: couple of years ago. She was actually raped by her stepfather,

389
00:20:15,320 --> 00:20:18,399
Speaker 2: her mother's husband, her and her sister. So her and

390
00:20:18,440 --> 00:20:21,160
Speaker 2: her sister both have children by their stepfather. Thank god,

391
00:20:21,160 --> 00:20:24,199
Speaker 2: it's not their biological father, but still a father figure.

392
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Speaker 1: Yeah right.

393
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Speaker 2: So I met a cousin, this particular cousin who was

394
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Speaker 2: raped by her stepfather and have children by him. I

395
00:20:33,520 --> 00:20:36,920
Speaker 2: haven't met in person her children because they're out of Michigan,

396
00:20:37,520 --> 00:20:40,359
Speaker 2: but her sister, who also had a child by that

397
00:20:40,480 --> 00:20:43,919
Speaker 2: same man, that cousin, her and I talk on a

398
00:20:43,920 --> 00:20:48,280
Speaker 2: regular basis, and I've hurt for her because she is

399
00:20:48,320 --> 00:20:50,800
Speaker 2: not where I am. You know, she still struggles with

400
00:20:50,840 --> 00:20:54,240
Speaker 2: the fact that she was born from this dark family secret,

401
00:20:54,320 --> 00:20:57,680
Speaker 2: and she really has not gotten any of her questions answered.

402
00:20:58,160 --> 00:21:01,719
Speaker 2: And she cannot accept the fact that there are certain

403
00:21:02,040 --> 00:21:07,040
Speaker 2: ways to go about your healing process. And unfortunately, when

404
00:21:07,080 --> 00:21:10,879
Speaker 2: you're healing process and it vertally causes others harm or

405
00:21:10,920 --> 00:21:13,480
Speaker 2: takes them back, you need to figure out what's right

406
00:21:13,520 --> 00:21:15,040
Speaker 2: or what's wrong. Should I do this or should I

407
00:21:15,080 --> 00:21:18,720
Speaker 2: not right? She's trying to heal on her terms regardless

408
00:21:18,760 --> 00:21:21,840
Speaker 2: of how it affects other people, because she feels like

409
00:21:22,000 --> 00:21:25,760
Speaker 2: she needs to know certain things, but because she's not

410
00:21:25,800 --> 00:21:28,240
Speaker 2: getting the responses that she's getting, she's kind of stuck.

411
00:21:28,280 --> 00:21:30,160
Speaker 2: And you can tell that she has lived a life

412
00:21:30,200 --> 00:21:33,000
Speaker 2: where she is just boxed into all of this trauma

413
00:21:33,040 --> 00:21:36,760
Speaker 2: and she hasn't been delivered, she hasn't truly healed. She's

414
00:21:36,840 --> 00:21:39,240
Speaker 2: this little girl who is stuck in the knowledge of

415
00:21:39,280 --> 00:21:43,400
Speaker 2: these family secrets. And even though our stories are similar,

416
00:21:44,200 --> 00:21:46,800
Speaker 2: I hurt for her because I know what she feels like.

417
00:21:47,040 --> 00:21:50,119
Speaker 2: But I also understood from her mother's perspective.

418
00:21:49,600 --> 00:21:51,520
Speaker 1: Too, And what's her mother's perspective.

419
00:21:52,600 --> 00:21:56,120
Speaker 2: Her mother, even though people know what happened to her,

420
00:21:56,520 --> 00:21:59,520
Speaker 2: it's not something that she's ready to just openly talk about,

421
00:21:59,560 --> 00:22:03,280
Speaker 2: not even her daughter. It's like that wound that's buried

422
00:22:03,359 --> 00:22:06,120
Speaker 2: so deep down that to get to it you have

423
00:22:06,160 --> 00:22:09,120
Speaker 2: to drudge up so much. And every layer that comes

424
00:22:09,200 --> 00:22:11,600
Speaker 2: up before you get to that layer has its own

425
00:22:11,640 --> 00:22:13,879
Speaker 2: form of trauma and its own form of pain. And

426
00:22:13,960 --> 00:22:17,400
Speaker 2: for some people, they're not strong enough to deal with that.

427
00:22:17,560 --> 00:22:20,119
Speaker 1: They can bring people, yes, And.

428
00:22:20,280 --> 00:22:22,639
Speaker 2: I'm always telling her, you have to stop. You know,

429
00:22:22,680 --> 00:22:25,320
Speaker 2: other people in the families, you have to stop. You

430
00:22:25,400 --> 00:22:27,560
Speaker 2: have no idea the damage you are doing to her

431
00:22:28,000 --> 00:22:31,760
Speaker 2: by doing pushing and pushing and trying to force answers

432
00:22:31,800 --> 00:22:33,879
Speaker 2: to questions that you need to go to cap you

433
00:22:33,920 --> 00:22:34,159
Speaker 2: need to.

434
00:22:55,080 --> 00:22:56,639
Speaker 3: Yeah, you know.

435
00:22:57,320 --> 00:22:59,919
Speaker 2: And then to a degree she idolized. She still idolizes them.

436
00:23:00,040 --> 00:23:01,600
Speaker 2: And it's like, you know what this man did to

437
00:23:01,640 --> 00:23:04,240
Speaker 2: your mother, to your aunt, you know what he represents

438
00:23:04,240 --> 00:23:06,600
Speaker 2: to the family. But because he's the only father figure

439
00:23:06,640 --> 00:23:09,560
Speaker 2: that you've ever known, you make it known that you

440
00:23:09,640 --> 00:23:11,840
Speaker 2: still loved him, which is another form of trauma to them.

441
00:23:12,200 --> 00:23:13,800
Speaker 1: Wow, and that's heartbreaking.

442
00:23:14,720 --> 00:23:19,200
Speaker 2: Yes, that's who I have cousins. I have cousins who

443
00:23:19,240 --> 00:23:22,399
Speaker 2: are the product of a brother's sister molestation, brother sister

444
00:23:22,400 --> 00:23:26,240
Speaker 2: ancestor like my grandmother's brothers raping her sisters and children

445
00:23:26,359 --> 00:23:29,320
Speaker 2: being produced. The older I've gotten, especially in the last

446
00:23:29,320 --> 00:23:31,880
Speaker 2: five years, I've looked at Ron and I've gone WHOA.

447
00:23:32,280 --> 00:23:34,720
Speaker 2: So it's just pervasive. It's not just me.

448
00:23:35,359 --> 00:23:39,160
Speaker 1: Yeah, this just came to my mind. But how has

449
00:23:39,240 --> 00:23:42,920
Speaker 1: this We haven't even got to the meat of your story, right,

450
00:23:42,960 --> 00:23:44,639
Speaker 1: But I just feel like these are this conversation they

451
00:23:44,680 --> 00:23:46,199
Speaker 1: need to be had, and I'm just curious to know

452
00:23:46,359 --> 00:23:49,560
Speaker 1: how has this like just your story, hearing your cousins

453
00:23:49,560 --> 00:23:53,040
Speaker 1: stories and just hearing stories overall, How has this influenced

454
00:23:53,040 --> 00:23:55,080
Speaker 1: your perspective on men and women?

455
00:23:56,680 --> 00:24:01,160
Speaker 2: And that is the saving grace because when I was sixteen,

456
00:24:02,040 --> 00:24:04,880
Speaker 2: God knew that I was never going to forgive my mother,

457
00:24:05,760 --> 00:24:07,520
Speaker 2: and he walked me through that vision that I talk

458
00:24:07,560 --> 00:24:12,320
Speaker 2: about in my documentary. And because of that experience, like

459
00:24:12,960 --> 00:24:15,240
Speaker 2: it could not have been anymore real. There is no

460
00:24:15,280 --> 00:24:18,480
Speaker 2: way for me to adequately verbalize that vision to get

461
00:24:18,520 --> 00:24:21,359
Speaker 2: people to truly understand what I felt in that moment,

462
00:24:22,240 --> 00:24:24,600
Speaker 2: and because of the emotion of it, and it still

463
00:24:24,640 --> 00:24:28,040
Speaker 2: stays with me. Just as God said to me, every

464
00:24:28,080 --> 00:24:30,399
Speaker 2: time you refuse to forgive your mother, it's that thirteen

465
00:24:30,480 --> 00:24:33,720
Speaker 2: year old little girl you're refusing to forgive. I've never

466
00:24:33,760 --> 00:24:37,720
Speaker 2: been able to backtrack from that. So everything that she

467
00:24:37,960 --> 00:24:40,880
Speaker 2: does I equate to that thirteen year old, little wounded girl,

468
00:24:41,640 --> 00:24:44,879
Speaker 2: So I can't hate her. So I now, since sixteen

469
00:24:44,960 --> 00:24:48,240
Speaker 2: years old, have looked at things from a different lens.

470
00:24:48,400 --> 00:24:53,080
Speaker 2: And I'm sure that it's because I didn't know what then, obviously,

471
00:24:53,160 --> 00:24:55,440
Speaker 2: but I know now that there is a prophetic anointing

472
00:24:55,480 --> 00:24:57,280
Speaker 2: on me. And I'm also a seer. So I see

473
00:24:57,400 --> 00:24:59,800
Speaker 2: things differently than most people, and I hear things differently

474
00:24:59,840 --> 00:25:02,480
Speaker 2: than most people. So even though I'm in this thing,

475
00:25:03,440 --> 00:25:06,040
Speaker 2: I still have the grace given to me by God

476
00:25:06,080 --> 00:25:09,359
Speaker 2: to be able to deal with people from their place

477
00:25:09,359 --> 00:25:11,040
Speaker 2: of trauma and not my own emotion.

478
00:25:11,359 --> 00:25:13,720
Speaker 1: Facts. Yeah, you got me.

479
00:25:13,800 --> 00:25:17,680
Speaker 2: People, I have unhealthy relationships. I used to have unhealthy

480
00:25:17,720 --> 00:25:21,360
Speaker 2: relationships with dark skinned black men, not because of a lestation,

481
00:25:21,480 --> 00:25:25,480
Speaker 2: but because my mother's husband, dark skinned, big black man,

482
00:25:25,800 --> 00:25:28,720
Speaker 2: Jery Curle, was I equated him to being I called

483
00:25:28,800 --> 00:25:33,360
Speaker 2: him the monster. He was just trauma and just oh

484
00:25:33,880 --> 00:25:37,680
Speaker 2: big black. It was just trauma for me. So every

485
00:25:37,800 --> 00:25:40,960
Speaker 2: dark skinned man up until about ten years ago took

486
00:25:41,000 --> 00:25:43,639
Speaker 2: me back to him. So how did you move as

487
00:25:43,800 --> 00:25:47,080
Speaker 2: that the church that God sent me to when my

488
00:25:47,200 --> 00:25:55,560
Speaker 2: daughter was five years old, Big black Jered Curle, you

489
00:25:55,640 --> 00:26:01,760
Speaker 2: talk about the most genuine, sweetest, nicest, caring, protect the

490
00:26:01,960 --> 00:26:06,840
Speaker 2: gentle giant. It was he. He was the on the outside,

491
00:26:07,040 --> 00:26:10,280
Speaker 2: very similar to the monsters, but on the inside the

492
00:26:10,400 --> 00:26:14,200
Speaker 2: complete opposite. It was like God put him in my life,

493
00:26:14,359 --> 00:26:17,159
Speaker 2: even at a distance for a while, because I was

494
00:26:17,200 --> 00:26:20,600
Speaker 2: so just put off by the visual appearance. For me

495
00:26:20,680 --> 00:26:25,000
Speaker 2: to get the essence of who he was. To feel

496
00:26:25,119 --> 00:26:28,600
Speaker 2: God literally through this man. It's like the God that

497
00:26:28,640 --> 00:26:31,560
Speaker 2: I had formed a relationship with, the spirit of that

498
00:26:31,600 --> 00:26:36,840
Speaker 2: relationship was manifesting in this man and a father figure,

499
00:26:37,119 --> 00:26:40,359
Speaker 2: awesome anointed. And I remember looking up one day thinking

500
00:26:40,400 --> 00:26:44,560
Speaker 2: to myself, I just hugged then fletched the thing twice.

501
00:26:44,600 --> 00:26:47,560
Speaker 2: I embraced it, and I wanted it. And I realized

502
00:26:47,600 --> 00:26:51,560
Speaker 2: in that moment that God had taken away that fear

503
00:26:52,800 --> 00:26:57,400
Speaker 2: and the trigger of what he presented. And about six

504
00:26:57,480 --> 00:27:02,080
Speaker 2: years ago, my step father, my mother's ex husband, he

505
00:27:02,200 --> 00:27:05,720
Speaker 2: actually came to Mississippi or to Michigan from Mississippi out

506
00:27:05,720 --> 00:27:07,840
Speaker 2: of the blue and I ran into him at the

507
00:27:07,880 --> 00:27:12,280
Speaker 2: gas station. Oh wow, And I thought, did to this

508
00:27:12,359 --> 00:27:16,639
Speaker 2: man you know, did he make touching? No? Oh wow,

509
00:27:17,240 --> 00:27:20,040
Speaker 2: he didn't even reckon. I walked up on him and said, Hi,

510
00:27:20,119 --> 00:27:23,440
Speaker 2: how are you? And he said who are you? I said, wow,

511
00:27:23,480 --> 00:27:28,200
Speaker 2: you don't even know me. Wow, you have father three

512
00:27:28,280 --> 00:27:31,360
Speaker 2: of my sisters. I lived with you for upteen years

513
00:27:31,840 --> 00:27:34,000
Speaker 2: and you don't know who I am. I looked just

514
00:27:34,040 --> 00:27:34,560
Speaker 2: like my mother.

515
00:27:35,320 --> 00:27:38,800
Speaker 1: You do look like your mother? Yes?

516
00:27:39,200 --> 00:27:44,600
Speaker 2: Yes? And he was funny like yes, and he was

517
00:27:44,640 --> 00:27:46,159
Speaker 2: like home okay. You know, he kind of did his

518
00:27:46,200 --> 00:27:48,040
Speaker 2: little ground. Somebody in the car was trying to get

519
00:27:48,040 --> 00:27:51,040
Speaker 2: his attention, so I let him go. But that was

520
00:27:51,119 --> 00:27:54,920
Speaker 2: more for me. I needed to approach him to see

521
00:27:54,960 --> 00:27:57,720
Speaker 2: how I would react to him. Yeah, And it was

522
00:27:57,760 --> 00:28:01,359
Speaker 2: weird because in my mind up until that day, he's

523
00:28:01,440 --> 00:28:05,320
Speaker 2: just this big black monster, but he even seems shorter

524
00:28:05,440 --> 00:28:06,160
Speaker 2: and smaller.

525
00:28:06,400 --> 00:28:09,080
Speaker 1: Yeah, and that's how you know you're on the path

526
00:28:09,119 --> 00:28:09,560
Speaker 1: of healing.

527
00:28:10,359 --> 00:28:13,000
Speaker 2: Yeah. So I'm like, okay, okay, Now, I say, would

528
00:28:13,040 --> 00:28:15,920
Speaker 2: have called my sisters and say, hey, I saw your dad, YadA, YadA, YadA,

529
00:28:16,200 --> 00:28:18,240
Speaker 2: And it wasn't a I saw your dad, you know,

530
00:28:18,400 --> 00:28:19,520
Speaker 2: it was a different tone.

531
00:28:19,800 --> 00:28:20,920
Speaker 1: Yeah, like I saw your dad.

532
00:28:21,600 --> 00:28:24,040
Speaker 2: Yes, you know, you think you killed because you haven't

533
00:28:24,040 --> 00:28:25,800
Speaker 2: had to face a thing, but you don't know that

534
00:28:25,840 --> 00:28:28,600
Speaker 2: you've truly killed until you come face to face with

535
00:28:28,680 --> 00:28:31,280
Speaker 2: that thing, right, Right. Once I came face to face

536
00:28:31,320 --> 00:28:34,359
Speaker 2: with it, I was like, okay, okay, God, I'll see

537
00:28:34,400 --> 00:28:38,720
Speaker 2: you right, okay, right, right.

538
00:28:39,720 --> 00:28:42,080
Speaker 1: So let's start with the early chapters of your story,

539
00:28:42,320 --> 00:28:45,280
Speaker 1: beginning with your mother. At the age of thirteen, she

540
00:28:45,440 --> 00:28:48,000
Speaker 1: met her father for the first time, and how did

541
00:28:48,000 --> 00:28:50,000
Speaker 1: that come about? Like she didn't know who he was,

542
00:28:50,160 --> 00:28:51,560
Speaker 1: or they just live in different states.

543
00:28:52,800 --> 00:28:56,720
Speaker 2: My family is originally from Mississippi, and that's where my

544
00:28:56,800 --> 00:28:59,840
Speaker 2: grandmother had the first I think three or four of

545
00:28:59,840 --> 00:29:02,680
Speaker 2: her her children, actually five of her children in Mississippi.

546
00:29:03,200 --> 00:29:06,320
Speaker 2: And when they left Mississippi, my mother was really young, right,

547
00:29:06,760 --> 00:29:08,680
Speaker 2: and so when they moved to Mississippi, when they moved

548
00:29:08,680 --> 00:29:11,520
Speaker 2: to Michigan, contact was lost. You know, my grandmother was

549
00:29:11,520 --> 00:29:13,719
Speaker 2: with somebody else. Contact was lost. Even though she had

550
00:29:13,720 --> 00:29:17,120
Speaker 2: three girls by him, contact was lost. He left Mississippi

551
00:29:17,160 --> 00:29:19,840
Speaker 2: and went to Saint Louis, Missouri, started his own family there,

552
00:29:20,800 --> 00:29:23,120
Speaker 2: and so he got in contact with my grandmother when

553
00:29:23,120 --> 00:29:24,920
Speaker 2: my mother was around thirteen years old, and said, I

554
00:29:24,960 --> 00:29:27,480
Speaker 2: want to have a relationship with my girls. And of

555
00:29:27,520 --> 00:29:30,040
Speaker 2: course my grandmother hadn't had any contact with them. She

556
00:29:30,200 --> 00:29:32,680
Speaker 2: really didn't know what his tendencies were, and at least

557
00:29:32,720 --> 00:29:34,360
Speaker 2: I don't think she you know what his tendencies were.

558
00:29:34,360 --> 00:29:37,320
Speaker 2: And my mother was given the option, you know, your

559
00:29:37,360 --> 00:29:40,120
Speaker 2: dad wants to spend some time with her, he wants

560
00:29:40,160 --> 00:29:42,320
Speaker 2: to get to know you. And according from what my

561
00:29:42,400 --> 00:29:45,960
Speaker 2: mother told me, she wanted to go because of issues

562
00:29:46,000 --> 00:29:49,160
Speaker 2: that were happening within the home already. She felt like

563
00:29:49,400 --> 00:29:51,520
Speaker 2: it could be a safe haven if I go with

564
00:29:51,560 --> 00:29:54,640
Speaker 2: my dad. The other sisters didn't want to go, but

565
00:29:54,760 --> 00:29:57,000
Speaker 2: she went and it turned out to be a nightmare

566
00:29:57,040 --> 00:29:57,400
Speaker 2: for her.

567
00:29:58,200 --> 00:29:59,560
Speaker 1: I wonder why they didn't want to go.

568
00:30:01,040 --> 00:30:05,600
Speaker 2: You know what, My sister slash Aunt, hosted on my

569
00:30:05,680 --> 00:30:08,000
Speaker 2: Facebook page a couple of I think yesterday or the

570
00:30:08,080 --> 00:30:10,680
Speaker 2: day before, and I was reading what she wrote, and

571
00:30:10,720 --> 00:30:14,000
Speaker 2: I thought, I see, I'm learning something else because I'm

572
00:30:14,040 --> 00:30:16,320
Speaker 2: pretty sure she's telling me that she knew that he

573
00:30:16,400 --> 00:30:20,200
Speaker 2: was a pedophile. That's why she didn't want to go. Wow.

574
00:30:20,280 --> 00:30:23,600
Speaker 2: So I spent the last couple of day dan havesins

575
00:30:23,600 --> 00:30:26,680
Speaker 2: whenever she posted it just pondered, and I'm like, it's

576
00:30:26,920 --> 00:30:29,959
Speaker 2: like every time I talk to them, I get something else. Yeah,

577
00:30:30,160 --> 00:30:34,080
Speaker 2: the secrets, and it just keeps spilling out because she's

578
00:30:34,080 --> 00:30:38,880
Speaker 2: never verbalized that to me. I've never known that she

579
00:30:39,080 --> 00:30:40,960
Speaker 2: had a choice, but she knew that he was off,

580
00:30:41,000 --> 00:30:43,960
Speaker 2: so she didn't go that aspect of this story. I've

581
00:30:44,000 --> 00:30:47,960
Speaker 2: never been privy to that, right, you know. So I'm

582
00:30:47,960 --> 00:30:51,160
Speaker 2: still I'm this is going to be a lesson until

583
00:30:51,160 --> 00:30:51,760
Speaker 2: the day I die.

584
00:30:52,360 --> 00:30:55,719
Speaker 1: Continue lesson because this is years and years like this

585
00:30:55,760 --> 00:30:58,880
Speaker 1: goes beyond your your mom and her mom, and then

586
00:30:58,920 --> 00:31:00,400
Speaker 1: you got this side of the family.

587
00:31:00,560 --> 00:31:06,880
Speaker 2: Like yes, wow, rational trauma begets generational trauma begets generational trauma.

588
00:31:07,160 --> 00:31:07,360
Speaker 3: Yeah.

589
00:31:07,640 --> 00:31:10,640
Speaker 2: I in a conversation with my grandmother one day as

590
00:31:11,000 --> 00:31:14,120
Speaker 2: I was an adult. She absolutely loved in the door

591
00:31:14,120 --> 00:31:16,640
Speaker 2: of me, so she definitely aboutely absolutely loves in the

592
00:31:16,720 --> 00:31:19,080
Speaker 2: door of my daughter. And we were just laughing and

593
00:31:19,120 --> 00:31:22,160
Speaker 2: talking one day, and because she was in such a

594
00:31:22,160 --> 00:31:24,320
Speaker 2: good mood, I just kind of threw a question in here.

595
00:31:24,320 --> 00:31:28,240
Speaker 2: He just slide them in there to see what she'll say.

596
00:31:29,200 --> 00:31:31,120
Speaker 2: You know, I was just asking her. I said, Mama,

597
00:31:32,240 --> 00:31:36,000
Speaker 2: my daddy raped my mama twice. Man, if somebody been

598
00:31:36,080 --> 00:31:38,480
Speaker 2: to my child, they gonna be in prison, you know,

599
00:31:38,600 --> 00:31:40,560
Speaker 2: just to see what she where she would go with it.

600
00:31:41,200 --> 00:31:43,360
Speaker 2: And she said, baby, if that nigga would have been

601
00:31:43,360 --> 00:31:46,320
Speaker 2: in Michigan, he'd have been under the jail, right. And

602
00:31:46,360 --> 00:31:51,000
Speaker 2: I'm like, so emotion okay, wow. I had a bunch

603
00:31:51,000 --> 00:31:53,960
Speaker 2: of questions once she said that, but didn't want to

604
00:31:54,080 --> 00:31:56,960
Speaker 2: push it too far. So I hate them and let

605
00:31:57,040 --> 00:32:00,200
Speaker 2: them go. But I'm thinking to myself, this answer was

606
00:32:00,240 --> 00:32:04,880
Speaker 2: an instant answer. The emotion was just raw. So why

607
00:32:04,880 --> 00:32:06,800
Speaker 2: would she go back the next year, and why wouldn't

608
00:32:06,800 --> 00:32:09,080
Speaker 2: he be under the jail. Why was he allowed to

609
00:32:09,120 --> 00:32:10,440
Speaker 2: live a long life?

610
00:32:10,640 --> 00:32:12,720
Speaker 1: And why why did she go back the next year?

611
00:32:14,200 --> 00:32:16,800
Speaker 2: She told me years and years ago that she went

612
00:32:16,880 --> 00:32:19,640
Speaker 2: back because she was already living in hell with under

613
00:32:19,640 --> 00:32:24,160
Speaker 2: my grandmother's roof. And he promised her that he would

614
00:32:24,200 --> 00:32:27,920
Speaker 2: never do it again, and he apologized, and she believed it.

615
00:32:28,320 --> 00:32:31,560
Speaker 2: You know, at this time, she's fourteen years old, she's struggling,

616
00:32:31,680 --> 00:32:35,880
Speaker 2: she's living in hell pretty much at home, and he's

617
00:32:35,960 --> 00:32:38,080
Speaker 2: acknowledged that he did it and he was out of order,

618
00:32:38,120 --> 00:32:39,840
Speaker 2: and he's promising that he won't do it again. So

619
00:32:39,880 --> 00:32:43,200
Speaker 2: he basically manipulated her and she went back and it

620
00:32:43,240 --> 00:32:45,400
Speaker 2: happened again. Wow.

621
00:32:45,640 --> 00:32:47,520
Speaker 1: So when she came back home and she was pregnant,

622
00:32:47,560 --> 00:32:48,480
Speaker 1: what did the family say?

623
00:32:49,880 --> 00:32:52,160
Speaker 2: Oh, they knew, they knew.

624
00:32:52,440 --> 00:32:53,959
Speaker 1: That's crazy.

625
00:32:54,040 --> 00:32:57,000
Speaker 2: But the issue, this is the issue. And I'm an adult,

626
00:32:57,040 --> 00:32:58,800
Speaker 2: so I can look back and I can see this now.

627
00:32:59,720 --> 00:33:03,160
Speaker 2: How can we make a big deal about her being

628
00:33:03,200 --> 00:33:07,080
Speaker 2: ranked by her father when and I'm saying this to

629
00:33:07,200 --> 00:33:10,480
Speaker 2: my grandmother's perspective and from her her sister's perspective, because

630
00:33:11,360 --> 00:33:14,440
Speaker 2: extremely close, we can't really make a big deal. A

631
00:33:14,440 --> 00:33:16,240
Speaker 2: lot of that when our brothers are doing the same

632
00:33:16,240 --> 00:33:18,000
Speaker 2: thing to us and our daughters and to our boys.

633
00:33:18,840 --> 00:33:20,800
Speaker 2: So if we're gonna get mad at him and prosecute him,

634
00:33:20,800 --> 00:33:23,000
Speaker 2: we got to get mad at our brothers but doing

635
00:33:23,000 --> 00:33:25,680
Speaker 2: what they doing to our kids and some of our spouses.

636
00:33:25,720 --> 00:33:27,120
Speaker 2: But doing what they doing to our kids.

637
00:33:27,520 --> 00:33:28,160
Speaker 1: Wow.

638
00:33:28,760 --> 00:33:31,600
Speaker 2: So it's just you know, pot calling the kettle black.

639
00:33:31,800 --> 00:33:33,560
Speaker 1: Yeah, And you know, it was so crazy. I was

640
00:33:33,560 --> 00:33:35,640
Speaker 1: talking to somebody, and somebody was saying, like a lot

641
00:33:35,640 --> 00:33:38,800
Speaker 1: of people allow things to happen to other people because

642
00:33:38,880 --> 00:33:41,080
Speaker 1: it happened to them, and they think they quote unquote

643
00:33:41,080 --> 00:33:47,320
Speaker 1: came out. Okay, So if I'm still yeah.

644
00:33:46,760 --> 00:33:51,520
Speaker 2: And that that mentality is sickney. Yeah, nobody protected me,

645
00:33:51,600 --> 00:33:53,200
Speaker 2: So why would I protect you. I got told to

646
00:33:53,280 --> 00:33:54,880
Speaker 2: keep quiet, so you better keep quiet.

647
00:33:54,680 --> 00:33:58,880
Speaker 1: Too, right, and at such a young age, like not

648
00:33:59,000 --> 00:33:59,480
Speaker 1: once but.

649
00:33:59,480 --> 00:34:01,440
Speaker 2: Twice, yes, twice.

650
00:34:02,320 --> 00:34:05,680
Speaker 1: Wow. So as you was getting older, your mom will

651
00:34:05,760 --> 00:34:07,480
Speaker 1: leave you at home with your boyfriend's son and he

652
00:34:07,520 --> 00:34:10,800
Speaker 1: would molest you and bribe you with food and religion.

653
00:34:11,680 --> 00:34:17,400
Speaker 2: Yes, her boyfriend. And because you know, it's crazy how

654
00:34:18,080 --> 00:34:20,360
Speaker 2: she was always drawn to older men. But it's not

655
00:34:20,440 --> 00:34:23,000
Speaker 2: crazy because that's what she sought out a father figure,

656
00:34:23,560 --> 00:34:26,640
Speaker 2: but it got twisted and perverted into love. And because

657
00:34:27,520 --> 00:34:31,400
Speaker 2: I'm thinking the spirits in these men recognized the trauma

658
00:34:31,440 --> 00:34:33,359
Speaker 2: in her and that like spirit in her and saw

659
00:34:33,360 --> 00:34:36,440
Speaker 2: her as an easy victim because she always dated men

660
00:34:36,440 --> 00:34:41,480
Speaker 2: who were much older than my grandmother. Yeah, even in

661
00:34:41,560 --> 00:34:43,680
Speaker 2: her teen teen years, she dated men who were my

662
00:34:43,719 --> 00:34:46,759
Speaker 2: grandmother's age or older. So when she was dating this

663
00:34:46,760 --> 00:34:49,320
Speaker 2: one particular man, his son was her age. As a

664
00:34:49,320 --> 00:34:50,680
Speaker 2: matter of fact, she should have been dating the son

665
00:34:50,680 --> 00:34:51,439
Speaker 2: instead of the dad.

666
00:34:51,719 --> 00:34:55,000
Speaker 1: Right. Yo, she was as nasty man.

667
00:34:55,440 --> 00:34:58,239
Speaker 2: Yes, and she would leave us as she would leave

668
00:34:58,280 --> 00:35:00,120
Speaker 2: us at home with him, and he would molest me

669
00:35:00,280 --> 00:35:02,120
Speaker 2: and I'm just like, you know what, this just don't

670
00:35:02,120 --> 00:35:05,680
Speaker 2: make no sense. Thank God he never penetrated me, but

671
00:35:05,719 --> 00:35:08,040
Speaker 2: the oral sex was just a bit much. I'm like,

672
00:35:08,239 --> 00:35:11,040
Speaker 2: I will never forget that this man would force me

673
00:35:11,080 --> 00:35:13,520
Speaker 2: to do it under the guise of religion. I didn't

674
00:35:13,520 --> 00:35:15,520
Speaker 2: want to go to hell, and under the guise of

675
00:35:15,640 --> 00:35:17,640
Speaker 2: if you don't gonna make your brother do it, well,

676
00:35:18,000 --> 00:35:20,839
Speaker 2: I'm not gonna subject my little brother to this.

677
00:35:21,239 --> 00:35:23,280
Speaker 3: Right you think.

678
00:35:23,160 --> 00:35:25,359
Speaker 1: Your mom knew all along what was going on.

679
00:35:27,360 --> 00:35:30,239
Speaker 2: I would have a hard time believing that she didn't know,

680
00:35:30,280 --> 00:35:32,680
Speaker 2: because how many times do you have to come into

681
00:35:32,719 --> 00:35:35,120
Speaker 2: the house with this man bringing me out of a

682
00:35:35,160 --> 00:35:37,000
Speaker 2: bathroom to give me ice cream, telling you that he

683
00:35:37,040 --> 00:35:39,080
Speaker 2: promised me a treat. You can't put two and two

684
00:35:39,080 --> 00:35:44,560
Speaker 2: together when you have gone through that to that, right, Yes,

685
00:35:44,920 --> 00:35:47,840
Speaker 2: I mean it didn't even even though I was molested

686
00:35:47,880 --> 00:35:51,640
Speaker 2: by him, I wasn't molested by a close family member

687
00:35:51,880 --> 00:35:55,520
Speaker 2: on until my teen years. Yet I was still hyper

688
00:35:55,600 --> 00:36:01,439
Speaker 2: vigilant about protecting my daughter, right So, and I would

689
00:36:01,600 --> 00:36:04,200
Speaker 2: look at her like I couldn't say anything with him

690
00:36:04,239 --> 00:36:05,880
Speaker 2: standing there, but I would be talking to her with

691
00:36:06,040 --> 00:36:09,000
Speaker 2: my eyes. And it's funny because now I always hear

692
00:36:10,080 --> 00:36:12,040
Speaker 2: your mouth don't have to say it because your face

693
00:36:12,040 --> 00:36:14,560
Speaker 2: don't say it. Yeah, And so when I hear that,

694
00:36:14,600 --> 00:36:16,040
Speaker 2: I'm like, and I'm pretty sure when I was a

695
00:36:16,040 --> 00:36:17,719
Speaker 2: little girl, my face was saying a whole lot too,

696
00:36:17,760 --> 00:36:20,200
Speaker 2: but she wasn't catching it, probably because she didn't want.

697
00:36:20,040 --> 00:36:23,360
Speaker 1: To catch it, right, Wow.

698
00:36:23,880 --> 00:36:26,319
Speaker 2: And I do believe that my mother back especially back then,

699
00:36:26,400 --> 00:36:30,920
Speaker 2: my mother absolutely loved me, but because of her age

700
00:36:31,000 --> 00:36:33,880
Speaker 2: and what she was dealing with, she did not know

701
00:36:33,960 --> 00:36:36,600
Speaker 2: how And I think if she would have accepted what

702
00:36:36,680 --> 00:36:40,600
Speaker 2: was happening to me. It would have destroyed her back then. Yeah,

703
00:36:41,040 --> 00:36:43,680
Speaker 2: so I think that she knew to a degree, but

704
00:36:43,719 --> 00:36:46,239
Speaker 2: as a defense mechanism, she convinced herself that it wasn't

705
00:36:46,280 --> 00:36:48,960
Speaker 2: happening because I didn't actually come out and say it.

706
00:36:49,200 --> 00:36:53,279
Speaker 1: Right. Have you ever seen or heard about this documentary?

707
00:36:53,760 --> 00:36:56,279
Speaker 1: It was about this father, a black man, and he

708
00:36:56,360 --> 00:37:01,400
Speaker 1: had nothing but girls, and you know what I'm talking about. Yes, Yes,

709
00:37:01,880 --> 00:37:05,200
Speaker 1: it was just so crazy because the son did the

710
00:37:05,239 --> 00:37:09,200
Speaker 1: documentary on how the father was sleeping with every single

711
00:37:09,320 --> 00:37:12,279
Speaker 1: daughter and one of the daughters fell in love with

712
00:37:12,320 --> 00:37:12,680
Speaker 1: the father.

713
00:37:13,520 --> 00:37:13,759
Speaker 2: Yep.

714
00:37:15,320 --> 00:37:18,600
Speaker 1: And then the father is dying, so everybody's around him

715
00:37:18,680 --> 00:37:20,880
Speaker 1: on his deathbed and the son is like, are y'all serious?

716
00:37:23,440 --> 00:37:24,040
Speaker 2: Crazy?

717
00:37:24,160 --> 00:37:24,839
Speaker 1: Yeah?

718
00:37:25,840 --> 00:37:31,640
Speaker 2: Crazy? Just like when a young girl is kidnapped and

719
00:37:31,719 --> 00:37:34,480
Speaker 2: she's kidnapped and she's gone for a long time and

720
00:37:34,520 --> 00:37:37,279
Speaker 2: then they go to rescue her and she wants to

721
00:37:37,280 --> 00:37:40,480
Speaker 2: be back with her kidnapper. Yeah, there was a term

722
00:37:40,560 --> 00:37:43,160
Speaker 2: for it, and it's just lost on me at the moment,

723
00:37:43,239 --> 00:37:47,719
Speaker 2: But there is a mental effect that causes you to

724
00:37:49,080 --> 00:37:54,920
Speaker 2: actually feel compassion for them. Yeah, And as a survival mechanism,

725
00:37:55,239 --> 00:37:59,520
Speaker 2: you begin to equate the abuse with love. Yeah, and

726
00:37:59,600 --> 00:38:02,560
Speaker 2: especially in a house full of girls. I'm pretty sure

727
00:38:02,560 --> 00:38:05,160
Speaker 2: it got to a point to where they became a competition.

728
00:38:05,440 --> 00:38:09,200
Speaker 2: They all knew, Yeah, they all knew. I'm connected to

729
00:38:09,239 --> 00:38:12,480
Speaker 2: a family now where the dad was molesting all the

730
00:38:12,520 --> 00:38:15,560
Speaker 2: girls and had even started on the grand grandchildren. But

731
00:38:15,640 --> 00:38:17,520
Speaker 2: you asked them now and they will tell you, my

732
00:38:17,600 --> 00:38:19,200
Speaker 2: daddy didn't do that. My daddy didn't do that. Yes

733
00:38:19,239 --> 00:38:21,200
Speaker 2: he did. We know he did it. Everybody knows he

734
00:38:21,239 --> 00:38:22,520
Speaker 2: did it. Wow.

735
00:38:24,040 --> 00:38:27,919
Speaker 1: Nah, these men, it's sick. It's disgusting.

736
00:38:28,560 --> 00:38:30,960
Speaker 2: It's like the more that you find out, it's just

737
00:38:31,080 --> 00:38:36,560
Speaker 2: like whoa, whoa, whoa. And it's part of why I

738
00:38:36,680 --> 00:38:38,279
Speaker 2: stayed single. You know.

739
00:38:38,600 --> 00:38:40,600
Speaker 1: That's why I asked you, did this effect your relationship

740
00:38:40,640 --> 00:38:41,000
Speaker 1: with men?

741
00:38:41,040 --> 00:38:45,880
Speaker 2: Because yes, yes, Because my daughter's father met him in

742
00:38:45,960 --> 00:38:48,040
Speaker 2: high school. He was an amazing man. We didn't date

743
00:38:48,040 --> 00:38:49,920
Speaker 2: in high school, but we met after high school. We

744
00:38:49,960 --> 00:38:52,040
Speaker 2: met after we got out of high school, and he

745
00:38:52,080 --> 00:38:55,160
Speaker 2: was an amazing man. We ended up having to separate

746
00:38:55,200 --> 00:38:57,960
Speaker 2: for a lot of reasons, but the ultimate reason was

747
00:38:58,880 --> 00:39:02,400
Speaker 2: he just was not mentally equipped to be in a relationship.

748
00:39:02,400 --> 00:39:04,360
Speaker 2: He was in the military straight out of high school.

749
00:39:04,920 --> 00:39:07,600
Speaker 2: They sent him to Guam. He should have never been

750
00:39:07,640 --> 00:39:09,680
Speaker 2: sent to Guam as an eighteen year old young man.

751
00:39:10,200 --> 00:39:13,320
Speaker 2: He saw some things that messed up his mind literally,

752
00:39:13,880 --> 00:39:16,200
Speaker 2: and when he came back he wasn't okay, and then

753
00:39:16,200 --> 00:39:19,440
Speaker 2: he ended up getting shot. When my daughter was three.

754
00:39:20,160 --> 00:39:23,719
Speaker 2: He got shot in March, and my daughter turned four

755
00:39:23,800 --> 00:39:25,560
Speaker 2: that July. So my daughter was three when her daughter

756
00:39:25,560 --> 00:39:27,719
Speaker 2: when her dad was permanently paralyxed. He got shot in

757
00:39:27,760 --> 00:39:31,200
Speaker 2: the throw with a shotgun. Wow. So he has been

758
00:39:31,200 --> 00:39:34,640
Speaker 2: totally impermanently disabled since my daughter was three years old

759
00:39:34,680 --> 00:39:37,120
Speaker 2: and she's twenty two now. And even though he and

760
00:39:37,160 --> 00:39:42,080
Speaker 2: I separated before then, I still had gotten to a

761
00:39:42,080 --> 00:39:45,680
Speaker 2: place where I was like, I've tried to date and

762
00:39:45,719 --> 00:39:48,520
Speaker 2: it's not working. And because of my background, I had

763
00:39:48,520 --> 00:39:51,520
Speaker 2: the mindset of no man will ever take advantage of me,

764
00:39:51,719 --> 00:39:53,480
Speaker 2: no man will ever get the one up on me.

765
00:39:53,840 --> 00:39:56,719
Speaker 2: I'm going to control all these relationships. And even though

766
00:39:56,719 --> 00:39:59,880
Speaker 2: it's only a couple of relationships, the one that I

767
00:40:00,040 --> 00:40:01,640
Speaker 2: I was in was the one that I had no

768
00:40:01,719 --> 00:40:04,480
Speaker 2: business being in. I got hoodwinked. I did not know

769
00:40:04,560 --> 00:40:07,160
Speaker 2: that night was engaged to be Yes, honey, I did

770
00:40:07,160 --> 00:40:11,880
Speaker 2: not know he was engaged to be married. I found

771
00:40:11,920 --> 00:40:14,239
Speaker 2: out that he was getting married the weekend that he

772
00:40:14,280 --> 00:40:16,120
Speaker 2: told me he was going to visit his kids.

773
00:40:16,800 --> 00:40:18,000
Speaker 1: Wow, I'm not surprised.

774
00:40:18,080 --> 00:40:22,239
Speaker 2: Because of that, I realized quickly I don't have the

775
00:40:22,280 --> 00:40:25,279
Speaker 2: control over this relationship that I thought I had right

776
00:40:25,840 --> 00:40:28,200
Speaker 2: and because it took me so long to get rid

777
00:40:28,200 --> 00:40:29,879
Speaker 2: of him, and the only way that I was able

778
00:40:29,920 --> 00:40:32,200
Speaker 2: to finally get rid of him even after he was married,

779
00:40:33,160 --> 00:40:34,839
Speaker 2: was for me to go to my cousin to say,

780
00:40:35,480 --> 00:40:37,680
Speaker 2: I have no business being with this man. But I

781
00:40:37,719 --> 00:40:39,920
Speaker 2: don't know how to stay no to him? What is

782
00:40:39,960 --> 00:40:42,200
Speaker 2: wrong with me? Because I know better, like this is

783
00:40:42,280 --> 00:40:45,040
Speaker 2: sickening to me. I know better. And she had to

784
00:40:45,080 --> 00:40:48,239
Speaker 2: explain to me, that's a soul tie. That's why we

785
00:40:48,280 --> 00:40:50,359
Speaker 2: have no business leaping when men were not married, too,

786
00:40:50,440 --> 00:40:54,759
Speaker 2: because the soul's highest formed once we connect sexually. And

787
00:40:54,880 --> 00:40:56,880
Speaker 2: I went to I went down a treasure drove of

788
00:40:56,920 --> 00:40:58,959
Speaker 2: what is the soul tie? How to let me find

789
00:40:59,000 --> 00:41:01,560
Speaker 2: some prayers? Because I was adamant about not continue in

790
00:41:01,560 --> 00:41:04,879
Speaker 2: the relationship, and I said to God then I said,

791
00:41:04,920 --> 00:41:07,520
Speaker 2: if you break me from this soul tie, I promise

792
00:41:07,560 --> 00:41:09,400
Speaker 2: you I will not lay with another man that is

793
00:41:09,440 --> 00:41:12,440
Speaker 2: not my husband. And two weeks of this man calling

794
00:41:12,440 --> 00:41:14,160
Speaker 2: to me, ignoring him, in me praying, two weeks of

795
00:41:14,239 --> 00:41:16,759
Speaker 2: him calling me, ignoring him, and me praying. Finally, one

796
00:41:16,800 --> 00:41:19,360
Speaker 2: day God said, pick up the phone, and I'm thinking,

797
00:41:20,520 --> 00:41:24,120
Speaker 2: I cannot you Okay, So I picked up the phone,

798
00:41:24,120 --> 00:41:26,880
Speaker 2: and now what happened. Ten minutes later I hung up

799
00:41:26,880 --> 00:41:30,080
Speaker 2: the phone and I'm like, I said no, I said no.

800
00:41:30,760 --> 00:41:31,320
Speaker 1: I said no.

801
00:41:33,239 --> 00:41:34,200
Speaker 2: The soul ti.

802
00:41:34,239 --> 00:41:36,240
Speaker 3: Has been broken, right.

803
00:41:36,920 --> 00:41:39,319
Speaker 2: And he tried still for about two or three years

804
00:41:39,360 --> 00:41:41,920
Speaker 2: after that, and every single time it was by going

805
00:41:41,960 --> 00:41:42,440
Speaker 2: somewhere with.

806
00:41:42,400 --> 00:41:45,319
Speaker 3: That right right, and I never forgot that.

807
00:41:45,520 --> 00:41:48,319
Speaker 2: And my promise to God I kept that if you

808
00:41:48,520 --> 00:41:50,680
Speaker 2: break me from this soul Tipe, I promise you I

809
00:41:50,719 --> 00:41:53,280
Speaker 2: will not lay with another man that is not my husband.

810
00:41:53,360 --> 00:41:54,720
Speaker 1: So you've been selling it for a while.

811
00:41:55,760 --> 00:41:58,239
Speaker 2: My daughter is twenty two years old. I have been

812
00:41:58,280 --> 00:42:01,360
Speaker 2: celibate since she was five. She was five, she was

813
00:42:01,480 --> 00:42:24,680
Speaker 2: fi wow, So I have been. There has been one

814
00:42:24,719 --> 00:42:29,640
Speaker 2: oops in that time, about three years ago. But yes, celibate,

815
00:42:29,760 --> 00:42:32,879
Speaker 2: because I am not. The power that that man had

816
00:42:32,920 --> 00:42:35,440
Speaker 2: over me is the power that I never want another

817
00:42:36,200 --> 00:42:38,000
Speaker 2: another individual to possess over me.

818
00:42:38,160 --> 00:42:40,480
Speaker 1: Another nigga. I said, for you, it's like a drug.

819
00:42:40,800 --> 00:42:44,640
Speaker 2: Yeah, now, I it helped me to understand the drug

820
00:42:44,640 --> 00:42:47,799
Speaker 2: adds in my family. Yeah, I cannot be mad at

821
00:42:47,840 --> 00:42:50,680
Speaker 2: you because you can't put that pipe down. But I

822
00:42:50,760 --> 00:42:53,440
Speaker 2: have my full faculty about me and I can't leave

823
00:42:53,480 --> 00:42:54,160
Speaker 2: this man alone.

824
00:42:54,440 --> 00:42:57,279
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's like they're just vices.

825
00:42:58,040 --> 00:43:00,920
Speaker 1: I can't. I forgot the true because I can't keep

826
00:43:01,239 --> 00:43:02,680
Speaker 1: keep up with it. But I've been selling being for

827
00:43:02,719 --> 00:43:05,279
Speaker 1: like three or four years now, and I almost had

828
00:43:05,280 --> 00:43:10,280
Speaker 1: a oops too. But I'm like, right, right.

829
00:43:10,520 --> 00:43:12,560
Speaker 2: I got tricked. But it's like, even as it was happening,

830
00:43:12,640 --> 00:43:14,680
Speaker 2: I'm like, I need him to go. I need him

831
00:43:14,719 --> 00:43:16,920
Speaker 2: to go, and I just felt so I was so

832
00:43:17,000 --> 00:43:20,160
Speaker 2: repulsed by it, more so because I had disappointed God.

833
00:43:20,960 --> 00:43:24,799
Speaker 1: Oh my God, I M we're gonna have to talk

834
00:43:24,840 --> 00:43:27,040
Speaker 1: because I feel That's why I was telling my friends

835
00:43:27,320 --> 00:43:29,600
Speaker 1: and I'm de listeners, probably like child, but I was

836
00:43:29,640 --> 00:43:32,040
Speaker 1: telling my friends because I may have promised to God

837
00:43:32,080 --> 00:43:33,640
Speaker 1: and I didn't tell how I was going for my husband,

838
00:43:33,640 --> 00:43:35,960
Speaker 1: but I told him that I was gonna wait for

839
00:43:36,840 --> 00:43:38,680
Speaker 1: I was gonna be able to be with a man

840
00:43:38,719 --> 00:43:41,920
Speaker 1: that we both feel like is accepting or what I

841
00:43:41,920 --> 00:43:44,480
Speaker 1: want to give him, or just you know, not rewarding,

842
00:43:44,600 --> 00:43:46,279
Speaker 1: but like who I felt comfortable with and who I

843
00:43:46,280 --> 00:43:48,800
Speaker 1: felt safe with. So I'm like, God, that is our agreement.

844
00:43:49,440 --> 00:43:53,000
Speaker 1: And I felt like God has gave me everything that

845
00:43:53,040 --> 00:43:56,359
Speaker 1: my heart desired. And I have really been struggling with

846
00:43:56,440 --> 00:43:59,000
Speaker 1: the fact that if I do decide to move forward

847
00:43:59,239 --> 00:44:02,480
Speaker 1: and engage and sexual activity, I feel like God is

848
00:44:02,480 --> 00:44:04,520
Speaker 1: going to be really upset with me. And it has

849
00:44:04,640 --> 00:44:07,120
Speaker 1: really been like weighing on my heart. So I just

850
00:44:07,160 --> 00:44:09,360
Speaker 1: been praying, and I've just been asking God to like

851
00:44:10,120 --> 00:44:11,719
Speaker 1: i't I just been praying him because I'm like, I

852
00:44:11,760 --> 00:44:14,200
Speaker 1: don't want to disappoint him, because I feel like my

853
00:44:14,280 --> 00:44:17,160
Speaker 1: relationship with God is so important to me, and we

854
00:44:17,880 --> 00:44:22,400
Speaker 1: came a long way. So yes, I'm glad we're on

855
00:44:22,440 --> 00:44:25,480
Speaker 1: the same page. But I know exactly what youre talking

856
00:44:25,480 --> 00:44:27,239
Speaker 1: about when it comes to disappointment, like that is like

857
00:44:27,280 --> 00:44:28,359
Speaker 1: the worst feeling ever.

858
00:44:29,320 --> 00:44:31,640
Speaker 2: Yeah, And I tell people. I always tell people because

859
00:44:31,680 --> 00:44:33,680
Speaker 2: I'm a prophet and a seer and I'm not just

860
00:44:33,680 --> 00:44:35,520
Speaker 2: a prophet with the gift of prophecy. I'm called to

861
00:44:35,560 --> 00:44:38,960
Speaker 2: the prophetic office because of my relationship with God. I

862
00:44:39,040 --> 00:44:41,320
Speaker 2: liking it so that people can understand it. I liking

863
00:44:41,360 --> 00:44:45,919
Speaker 2: it to your grandmother's favorite child, the child who while

864
00:44:45,960 --> 00:44:48,000
Speaker 2: twenty kids are outside all day playing, you got that

865
00:44:48,040 --> 00:44:51,120
Speaker 2: one child who is just at your side. Yeah, that's

866
00:44:51,120 --> 00:44:53,040
Speaker 2: how I am with God. And just like that one

867
00:44:53,160 --> 00:44:56,720
Speaker 2: child who is always at that grandparent's side. You hear conversations.

868
00:44:56,719 --> 00:44:59,720
Speaker 2: You hear how they gossip, and how they talk about

869
00:45:00,040 --> 00:45:02,120
Speaker 2: so and so doing this, and so and so doing that,

870
00:45:02,160 --> 00:45:04,320
Speaker 2: and she ain't got no sense, and her kid's crazy,

871
00:45:04,360 --> 00:45:06,440
Speaker 2: and you know this that or the third. So you

872
00:45:06,560 --> 00:45:09,480
Speaker 2: get to hear, but you also hear the disappointment when

873
00:45:09,520 --> 00:45:11,839
Speaker 2: they're talking about their children and their nieces and their

874
00:45:11,880 --> 00:45:15,200
Speaker 2: grandkids and so and so as kids and as a kid.

875
00:45:15,680 --> 00:45:18,560
Speaker 2: And because I was like this with my grandmother, I

876
00:45:18,600 --> 00:45:21,239
Speaker 2: was taking that all in, wanting to not cause them

877
00:45:21,280 --> 00:45:24,319
Speaker 2: to have to feel the same emotion, right, and so

878
00:45:24,440 --> 00:45:27,360
Speaker 2: with God, it's the same way I sit at his feet.

879
00:45:27,760 --> 00:45:31,479
Speaker 2: You know, he allows me to feel his emotion per se,

880
00:45:31,880 --> 00:45:34,640
Speaker 2: and I have access to how he feels what's going

881
00:45:34,640 --> 00:45:37,920
Speaker 2: on in the world. And because I know how disappointed

882
00:45:37,960 --> 00:45:40,680
Speaker 2: he is and how he longs to have us turn

883
00:45:40,800 --> 00:45:43,959
Speaker 2: from our weight wicked waves and to turn toward him,

884
00:45:44,800 --> 00:45:47,040
Speaker 2: I don't want to add to that burden.

885
00:45:47,520 --> 00:45:50,480
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's exactly how I feel.

886
00:45:51,080 --> 00:45:53,480
Speaker 2: It's just like, no, I cannot. I cannot add to

887
00:45:53,560 --> 00:45:56,480
Speaker 2: that burden. I live my life to police. I annoyed

888
00:45:56,480 --> 00:45:58,520
Speaker 2: my body every single morning. But if it is not

889
00:45:58,560 --> 00:46:00,440
Speaker 2: of you, for you, or buy you, keep it from me.

890
00:46:00,520 --> 00:46:02,000
Speaker 2: Let it not nswer into me, let it not come

891
00:46:02,000 --> 00:46:04,800
Speaker 2: out of me. I am your vessel. Yeah, And people

892
00:46:04,880 --> 00:46:06,960
Speaker 2: always ask me, if you look at my social media,

893
00:46:07,800 --> 00:46:09,640
Speaker 2: why are you typing on caps? That's annoying. I don't

894
00:46:09,640 --> 00:46:11,319
Speaker 2: care if it's annoying to you. It's not about you.

895
00:46:12,360 --> 00:46:15,719
Speaker 2: I type every single word in all caps because it

896
00:46:15,800 --> 00:46:18,840
Speaker 2: is a visual reminder to me that everything that comes

897
00:46:18,920 --> 00:46:21,000
Speaker 2: out of my mouth, no matter how simple or how

898
00:46:21,040 --> 00:46:22,680
Speaker 2: big it is, is important.

899
00:46:23,400 --> 00:46:23,840
Speaker 1: Right.

900
00:46:24,400 --> 00:46:27,240
Speaker 2: And if it is not pleasing to God in any way, shape,

901
00:46:27,239 --> 00:46:29,360
Speaker 2: fashion or form, why is it coming out of me?

902
00:46:30,000 --> 00:46:30,960
Speaker 1: Right?

903
00:46:31,000 --> 00:46:33,200
Speaker 2: It is like a visual reminder to be mindful of

904
00:46:33,239 --> 00:46:38,680
Speaker 2: what I put into the atmosphere. Everything important, the little,

905
00:46:38,760 --> 00:46:42,800
Speaker 2: even the thus and the ants, because it's all connected

906
00:46:42,840 --> 00:46:44,160
Speaker 2: to something else. Right.

907
00:46:44,560 --> 00:46:46,320
Speaker 1: So not to get in your business, I feel like,

908
00:46:46,320 --> 00:46:50,279
Speaker 1: how I'm already in your business. So what do you do?

909
00:46:50,440 --> 00:46:52,720
Speaker 1: Because I mean, you're a human, you're a beautiful woman.

910
00:46:53,239 --> 00:46:54,680
Speaker 1: What do you do when you get horny.

911
00:46:55,640 --> 00:46:58,440
Speaker 2: Honestly, a lot of the time, I am always on

912
00:46:58,480 --> 00:47:00,960
Speaker 2: the go so much that it does not happen a

913
00:47:01,000 --> 00:47:04,600
Speaker 2: lot so for the last couple of years because I

914
00:47:04,719 --> 00:47:07,160
Speaker 2: now know that that is a trick of the enemy

915
00:47:07,200 --> 00:47:10,640
Speaker 2: to get me to veer toward perversion. Because God doesn't

916
00:47:10,680 --> 00:47:14,000
Speaker 2: even want me to masturbate. I call it out.

917
00:47:14,239 --> 00:47:16,479
Speaker 1: Is it wrong to massurbate God?

918
00:47:16,840 --> 00:47:19,120
Speaker 2: It's pleasure. It's like, that's not your husband. It's like

919
00:47:19,200 --> 00:47:24,120
Speaker 2: you're giving in to the lust of the flesh. You're

920
00:47:24,120 --> 00:47:25,799
Speaker 2: giving in to the lust of the flesh. And I'm

921
00:47:25,840 --> 00:47:27,279
Speaker 2: just like, okay, I can't do it. If I can't

922
00:47:27,320 --> 00:47:30,640
Speaker 2: do it, and if I'm up and I'm finding especially

923
00:47:31,040 --> 00:47:33,480
Speaker 2: the mornings where I decide to sleep in, If I

924
00:47:33,600 --> 00:47:36,239
Speaker 2: sleep in and I'm not rush to go anywhere, that's

925
00:47:36,280 --> 00:47:39,080
Speaker 2: when that spirit tries to creep in and it plays

926
00:47:39,120 --> 00:47:41,120
Speaker 2: in my mind. I'm like, get up out of this bed,

927
00:47:41,160 --> 00:47:42,440
Speaker 2: go fit, go find you something to.

928
00:47:42,400 --> 00:47:43,879
Speaker 1: Do right right right?

929
00:47:43,920 --> 00:47:46,000
Speaker 2: You know, No, we not even giving in to the

930
00:47:46,120 --> 00:47:48,840
Speaker 2: enemy in that way. He's not gonna creep in because

931
00:47:48,840 --> 00:47:51,880
Speaker 2: I am a woman, you know, and it's not easy,

932
00:47:51,920 --> 00:47:55,680
Speaker 2: but it is always staying ahead of it. Recognizing the trigger,

933
00:47:55,760 --> 00:47:58,000
Speaker 2: recognizing what will cause me to even begin to go

934
00:47:58,080 --> 00:48:00,719
Speaker 2: down there, and quickly acknowledging it, saying, you know what

935
00:48:01,440 --> 00:48:02,279
Speaker 2: I got control over?

936
00:48:03,000 --> 00:48:04,120
Speaker 3: Yeah.

937
00:48:04,560 --> 00:48:07,120
Speaker 2: No spirit will control me in any way, shape, fashion, form.

938
00:48:07,160 --> 00:48:09,200
Speaker 2: No man will control me in any way, shape, fashion,

939
00:48:09,200 --> 00:48:12,920
Speaker 2: and form. No I have the power to control completely

940
00:48:12,960 --> 00:48:13,440
Speaker 2: and totally.

941
00:48:14,239 --> 00:48:15,800
Speaker 1: Damn. Now I feel bad. I mean I don't do

942
00:48:15,840 --> 00:48:16,480
Speaker 1: it a lot, But.

943
00:48:21,040 --> 00:48:24,800
Speaker 2: The beauty of his God, in his infinite risdom, extends

944
00:48:24,920 --> 00:48:28,080
Speaker 2: us race. He knows us better than we know ourselves.

945
00:48:28,360 --> 00:48:31,200
Speaker 2: I just like to say, you know what, once you

946
00:48:31,280 --> 00:48:34,680
Speaker 2: know something, you are not responsible for the knowledge that

947
00:48:34,760 --> 00:48:40,440
Speaker 2: you've been given in you after work. But it's worked.

948
00:48:40,520 --> 00:48:43,480
Speaker 2: And that's why, that's why that oops happened a couple

949
00:48:43,520 --> 00:48:46,239
Speaker 2: of years ago, because I was extremely vulnerable, and you know,

950
00:48:47,280 --> 00:48:50,000
Speaker 2: by trade, I am a mobile notary signing agent, So

951
00:48:50,040 --> 00:48:53,400
Speaker 2: I traveled the state closing out real estate transactions, you know,

952
00:48:53,440 --> 00:48:56,319
Speaker 2: dealing with anything else that needs notorization. So I am

953
00:48:56,400 --> 00:48:59,200
Speaker 2: always in a FedEx or a UPS or something, and

954
00:49:00,120 --> 00:49:01,799
Speaker 2: a man in one of them all the time that

955
00:49:01,880 --> 00:49:04,560
Speaker 2: was flirting up the wazoo all the time, right, and

956
00:49:05,440 --> 00:49:07,960
Speaker 2: one night he I said something to him on social

957
00:49:07,960 --> 00:49:12,799
Speaker 2: media just a flippant comment, and I'm like, oh, good lord,

958
00:49:12,840 --> 00:49:14,920
Speaker 2: what did I do? Child?

959
00:49:15,000 --> 00:49:17,240
Speaker 1: Ain't nothing like a flying man in your presence?

960
00:49:17,280 --> 00:49:23,160
Speaker 2: Though, Like, Okay, I got I can't I can't do this, right,

961
00:49:23,320 --> 00:49:25,600
Speaker 2: I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't

962
00:49:25,600 --> 00:49:30,400
Speaker 2: do this. And it's bad when you don't even enjoy it,

963
00:49:30,560 --> 00:49:34,719
Speaker 2: like it wasn't supposed to have. Yeah, I know that

964
00:49:34,760 --> 00:49:37,520
Speaker 2: I've offended. God, I'm so upset, like I couldn't even

965
00:49:37,560 --> 00:49:38,279
Speaker 2: get back on track.

966
00:49:38,360 --> 00:49:40,640
Speaker 1: I couldn't even get off on this. And now I

967
00:49:40,680 --> 00:49:41,600
Speaker 1: feel bad, like.

968
00:49:42,880 --> 00:49:47,479
Speaker 2: It's like everything about this is just no right right? Wow?

969
00:49:48,840 --> 00:49:50,640
Speaker 1: You know one thing that I love about your story?

970
00:49:50,680 --> 00:49:52,400
Speaker 1: And I go back and forth with my friends and

971
00:49:52,440 --> 00:49:55,200
Speaker 1: my cousins about this because I don't feel like he

972
00:49:55,280 --> 00:49:56,800
Speaker 1: should be left at home by themselves.

973
00:49:57,520 --> 00:49:57,719
Speaker 2: No.

974
00:49:57,920 --> 00:50:00,640
Speaker 1: I feel like maybe if the child is a certain age,

975
00:50:01,640 --> 00:50:04,040
Speaker 1: but I just feel like I just don't like it.

976
00:50:04,080 --> 00:50:07,279
Speaker 1: I feel like anything can happen and I don't know.

977
00:50:07,320 --> 00:50:09,160
Speaker 1: And I'm not passing judgment on anybody who does this,

978
00:50:09,200 --> 00:50:11,960
Speaker 1: because I do understand that unfortunately, a lot of people

979
00:50:12,000 --> 00:50:14,279
Speaker 1: don't have the support and resources that they need when

980
00:50:14,280 --> 00:50:17,200
Speaker 1: it comes to Childcarecter child Care is very expensive, but

981
00:50:17,320 --> 00:50:19,600
Speaker 1: it just makes me so uncomfortable when children are left

982
00:50:19,640 --> 00:50:22,200
Speaker 1: at home. And in your situation, your mom used to

983
00:50:22,280 --> 00:50:23,759
Speaker 1: leave you at home with your siblings and you was

984
00:50:23,800 --> 00:50:25,080
Speaker 1: only eight or nine years old.

985
00:50:25,560 --> 00:50:28,680
Speaker 2: Yes, for days at a time. Yeah, yes, So how

986
00:50:28,800 --> 00:50:32,520
Speaker 2: was y'all eating? Daughter? My daughter would hit certain milestones

987
00:50:32,600 --> 00:50:34,160
Speaker 2: and I would look at her and I would come

988
00:50:35,480 --> 00:50:39,520
Speaker 2: when I was your age, So what's happening right? I'm like,

989
00:50:39,600 --> 00:50:45,120
Speaker 2: there's no way I would leave you to deal with that,

990
00:50:45,480 --> 00:50:49,239
Speaker 2: you know, just the light bulb moments that I would have.

991
00:50:49,400 --> 00:50:53,560
Speaker 2: And it also helped me to realize how old how

992
00:50:53,600 --> 00:50:56,520
Speaker 2: young my mother was, because the older my daughter got,

993
00:50:56,800 --> 00:50:59,880
Speaker 2: I would equate my mother's age when stuff was happening

994
00:51:00,120 --> 00:51:03,680
Speaker 2: her to my daughter's age, and I would go, so,

995
00:51:03,880 --> 00:51:06,680
Speaker 2: when my mother was a senior in high school, you

996
00:51:06,719 --> 00:51:08,320
Speaker 2: mean to tell me that she had two kids and

997
00:51:08,440 --> 00:51:11,759
Speaker 2: was about to have a whoa? Okay? And then the

998
00:51:11,800 --> 00:51:14,760
Speaker 2: immaturity of my daughter because she was raised in a bubble,

999
00:51:15,080 --> 00:51:19,040
Speaker 2: highly gifted, extremely intelligent. But I tell her, it seems

1000
00:51:19,080 --> 00:51:22,120
Speaker 2: like you're immature, but you're not. It's just that your

1001
00:51:22,160 --> 00:51:24,480
Speaker 2: maturity level is age appropriate. Yeah, you're a child, and

1002
00:51:25,200 --> 00:51:28,560
Speaker 2: it's not something that I'm accustomed to where anybody around

1003
00:51:28,600 --> 00:51:31,279
Speaker 2: me has been accustomed to outside of our community, you know,

1004
00:51:31,360 --> 00:51:33,840
Speaker 2: in our community, the way that she and my family

1005
00:51:33,840 --> 00:51:35,680
Speaker 2: still calls her, some of them still call her the

1006
00:51:35,680 --> 00:51:40,520
Speaker 2: white girl. My daughter's not white, right, right right. The

1007
00:51:40,520 --> 00:51:42,439
Speaker 2: way that she was brought up is it doesn't match

1008
00:51:42,480 --> 00:51:46,080
Speaker 2: our family, you know. But yet it would be weird

1009
00:51:46,120 --> 00:51:50,960
Speaker 2: to just look at her at certain ages and go WHOA, yeah, no,

1010
00:51:52,040 --> 00:51:54,160
Speaker 2: I don't hear, and then don't see it.

1011
00:51:54,239 --> 00:51:57,279
Speaker 1: And on top of the neglect, you also mentioned that

1012
00:51:57,320 --> 00:52:00,799
Speaker 1: your mother used to severely beat you, to the point

1013
00:52:00,800 --> 00:52:02,719
Speaker 1: that CPS was called several times.

1014
00:52:03,239 --> 00:52:12,839
Speaker 2: Yes, yes, I now know that the beatings that I

1015
00:52:12,920 --> 00:52:15,680
Speaker 2: took was because she could not beat her abusers.

1016
00:52:15,960 --> 00:52:17,600
Speaker 1: Yeah, I felt the same way.

1017
00:52:17,920 --> 00:52:20,040
Speaker 2: She couldn't beat me. I mean, because I would literally

1018
00:52:20,040 --> 00:52:24,880
Speaker 2: get whooped and beat for nothing. Yeah, you're really beating

1019
00:52:24,920 --> 00:52:27,200
Speaker 2: me because a dish got left in the scene. No,

1020
00:52:27,320 --> 00:52:29,120
Speaker 2: let's be honest. You're beating me because that man in

1021
00:52:29,200 --> 00:52:30,799
Speaker 2: black and JOI and you can't fight him.

1022
00:52:31,520 --> 00:52:34,080
Speaker 1: Yeah, when you were telling the story about her and

1023
00:52:34,600 --> 00:52:37,440
Speaker 1: her husband was the big time drug dealer and how

1024
00:52:37,480 --> 00:52:39,160
Speaker 1: she was going to like shoot him and then he

1025
00:52:39,200 --> 00:52:41,319
Speaker 1: took the gun and he pistol whip her, and I'm

1026
00:52:41,400 --> 00:52:44,480
Speaker 1: just like wow, like I can't even imagine because at

1027
00:52:44,480 --> 00:52:46,840
Speaker 1: this point, still she's still a child, or she's still

1028
00:52:46,880 --> 00:52:50,839
Speaker 1: probably under eighteen and just that much abuse. And then

1029
00:52:50,880 --> 00:52:51,440
Speaker 1: she came back.

1030
00:52:52,760 --> 00:52:56,360
Speaker 2: When that happened to her, I was twelve or thirteen,

1031
00:52:56,520 --> 00:52:58,600
Speaker 2: so she was probably twenty six twenty seven.

1032
00:52:58,719 --> 00:53:00,720
Speaker 1: Oh okay, okay, I mean but still yeah.

1033
00:53:01,400 --> 00:53:04,240
Speaker 2: Twenty four. Yeah, she had She was definitely under thirty.

1034
00:53:04,360 --> 00:53:06,840
Speaker 2: She was like in her mid twenties, which is a

1035
00:53:06,880 --> 00:53:11,520
Speaker 2: baby because this man is in his fifties. Wow, this man, Yeah,

1036
00:53:11,520 --> 00:53:14,520
Speaker 2: he was much he had children her age.

1037
00:53:15,640 --> 00:53:16,640
Speaker 1: Oh my god.

1038
00:53:17,080 --> 00:53:22,120
Speaker 2: Yeah, It's just it was traumatic. I mean, the beatings

1039
00:53:22,120 --> 00:53:25,319
Speaker 2: they were just it was just atrocious. I just I

1040
00:53:25,360 --> 00:53:28,160
Speaker 2: will never wrap my mind around how somebody could beat

1041
00:53:28,200 --> 00:53:30,320
Speaker 2: their child the way that I was beat When my

1042
00:53:30,440 --> 00:53:33,600
Speaker 2: daughter was little, when I would have to spank her

1043
00:53:33,640 --> 00:53:37,160
Speaker 2: because it was clear, Okay, we've had this conversation two, three,

1044
00:53:37,200 --> 00:53:39,560
Speaker 2: four times, and you're just doing what you want to do.

1045
00:53:39,600 --> 00:53:42,879
Speaker 2: You're being this obedient on purpose, and I would spank her,

1046
00:53:42,880 --> 00:53:45,080
Speaker 2: but we would have a conversation about what she had

1047
00:53:45,080 --> 00:53:47,479
Speaker 2: done wrong and why she needed a spanking, and even

1048
00:53:47,520 --> 00:53:49,080
Speaker 2: as I will pomper two or three times, I'd be

1049
00:53:49,080 --> 00:53:49,520
Speaker 2: sitting there.

1050
00:53:49,400 --> 00:53:51,839
Speaker 1: Crying, Yeah, Goda site, did you feel uncomfortable for her?

1051
00:53:52,320 --> 00:53:55,000
Speaker 2: I'm crying No. I don't want to inflict this money

1052
00:53:55,080 --> 00:53:59,840
Speaker 2: paying on my daughter. So thank god super Nanny and

1053
00:53:59,840 --> 00:54:01,879
Speaker 2: the nine one one came out when she was around four,

1054
00:54:02,840 --> 00:54:06,680
Speaker 2: so I was able to navigate and use mind manipulation

1055
00:54:07,040 --> 00:54:09,160
Speaker 2: and just put her in my lap. When then in

1056
00:54:09,239 --> 00:54:11,440
Speaker 2: ninet one one came on and I would show her

1057
00:54:11,560 --> 00:54:14,279
Speaker 2: these children and how misbehaved they were, and we would

1058
00:54:14,320 --> 00:54:15,799
Speaker 2: sit and we would watch it, and I would talk

1059
00:54:15,840 --> 00:54:18,279
Speaker 2: to her like, look at that child. She knows she

1060
00:54:18,400 --> 00:54:20,279
Speaker 2: out of order, her mammy to whoop her little but

1061
00:54:20,360 --> 00:54:21,719
Speaker 2: da da da da da da da, and I would

1062
00:54:21,760 --> 00:54:26,440
Speaker 2: plant those seeds. And planting those seeds helped her and

1063
00:54:26,520 --> 00:54:29,080
Speaker 2: even at that young age, be mindful of her behavior.

1064
00:54:29,200 --> 00:54:31,560
Speaker 2: And how you know, it was just there's certain things

1065
00:54:31,560 --> 00:54:34,440
Speaker 2: you do, certain things you don't do. Yeah, And it

1066
00:54:34,520 --> 00:54:37,680
Speaker 2: was so ingrained in her that when she started preschool,

1067
00:54:37,960 --> 00:54:40,000
Speaker 2: her teacher called up me and saying, this, your daughter,

1068
00:54:40,040 --> 00:54:41,640
Speaker 2: keep telling me to call And then in nine one one,

1069
00:54:41,719 --> 00:54:46,520
Speaker 2: that's because she knows that those kids are acting crazy,

1070
00:54:46,560 --> 00:54:48,240
Speaker 2: and that's not how we act at home.

1071
00:54:48,239 --> 00:54:52,680
Speaker 1: Right, you know? No, I just had an Aha moment.

1072
00:54:52,760 --> 00:54:55,320
Speaker 1: I feel like your daughter really save you because I

1073
00:54:55,360 --> 00:54:57,480
Speaker 1: feel like, as I'm hearing you speak about your daughter,

1074
00:54:57,800 --> 00:54:59,920
Speaker 1: I feel like you got a chance to mother yourself

1075
00:55:00,840 --> 00:55:02,080
Speaker 1: while being a mother to her.

1076
00:55:03,040 --> 00:55:08,280
Speaker 2: Yes. Yes, she definitely saved me in more ways than one.

1077
00:55:08,480 --> 00:55:11,760
Speaker 2: And it's like mothering her was a double edged sword.

1078
00:55:12,560 --> 00:55:15,480
Speaker 2: And I now know that. And I'll say this, backtrack

1079
00:55:15,560 --> 00:55:18,600
Speaker 2: for a minute, and God, in his infinite wisdom, this

1080
00:55:18,640 --> 00:55:20,840
Speaker 2: is how I know that he was upset with me

1081
00:55:20,960 --> 00:55:24,160
Speaker 2: when I got pregnant with my daughter. Before I got

1082
00:55:24,160 --> 00:55:26,680
Speaker 2: pregnant with my daughter, I had dated a man from

1083
00:55:26,760 --> 00:55:29,520
Speaker 2: age twelve. Shouldn't have been dating hm because he was nineteen.

1084
00:55:29,560 --> 00:55:31,719
Speaker 2: He had been to dating me, but I dated him

1085
00:55:31,760 --> 00:55:35,680
Speaker 2: for like eight nine years, dated him until my early twenties. Wow.

1086
00:55:36,719 --> 00:55:39,800
Speaker 2: He and I had been having unprotected sex for probably

1087
00:55:39,920 --> 00:55:42,719
Speaker 2: the last three or four years of our relationship. Never

1088
00:55:42,760 --> 00:55:44,640
Speaker 2: got pregnant, even though we both wanted for me to

1089
00:55:44,680 --> 00:55:48,600
Speaker 2: get pregnant, it never happened. My daughter's father, who I

1090
00:55:48,600 --> 00:55:53,279
Speaker 2: reconnected with after he came back from Guam, couldn't have kids,

1091
00:55:53,320 --> 00:55:56,439
Speaker 2: according to him, because he had been electrocuted too many times.

1092
00:55:56,440 --> 00:55:58,280
Speaker 2: Don't laugh at me. He told me that I believe

1093
00:55:58,320 --> 00:56:00,120
Speaker 2: that I was twenty twenty one. He told me he

1094
00:56:00,160 --> 00:56:04,200
Speaker 2: had been let you kidding too many times? How was it?

1095
00:56:05,800 --> 00:56:09,359
Speaker 1: I can't even get the question. Now, yep, it's one

1096
00:56:09,400 --> 00:56:11,080
Speaker 1: them man gonna do better. He gonna come up with

1097
00:56:11,120 --> 00:56:12,080
Speaker 1: something color for the tail.

1098
00:56:12,840 --> 00:56:15,680
Speaker 2: Honey. Now I laughed at it and go, girr. You

1099
00:56:15,800 --> 00:56:19,279
Speaker 2: was a fool. Yes, I was a fool. But and

1100
00:56:19,400 --> 00:56:21,719
Speaker 2: my family, my closest cousins, will tell you this because

1101
00:56:22,440 --> 00:56:24,880
Speaker 2: it was immediate the night that I got pregnant with

1102
00:56:24,920 --> 00:56:26,960
Speaker 2: my daughter, I felt it the minute that it happened,

1103
00:56:28,200 --> 00:56:32,560
Speaker 2: like conception was immediate. I knew it. I looked at him,

1104
00:56:32,880 --> 00:56:36,600
Speaker 2: Get off me, Get off me. You know what did

1105
00:56:36,600 --> 00:56:38,880
Speaker 2: I do? You said you couldn't have kids?

1106
00:56:39,360 --> 00:56:40,000
Speaker 3: Girl, I can't.

1107
00:56:40,040 --> 00:56:44,200
Speaker 2: We had just made one? What is he thought? I

1108
00:56:44,320 --> 00:56:45,520
Speaker 2: was nuts? Yeah?

1109
00:56:45,520 --> 00:56:46,440
Speaker 1: What did it feel like?

1110
00:56:47,680 --> 00:56:52,040
Speaker 2: And that's that's up until a few years ago, that

1111
00:56:52,160 --> 00:56:55,200
Speaker 2: story had one tone to it. And now that I

1112
00:56:55,280 --> 00:56:57,600
Speaker 2: know better spiritually, now I know that I know what

1113
00:56:57,640 --> 00:57:00,000
Speaker 2: was really happening because the only way that I could

1114
00:57:00,080 --> 00:57:02,719
Speaker 2: describe it to people was to say the only way

1115
00:57:02,719 --> 00:57:04,520
Speaker 2: for me to make you understand what this feels like,

1116
00:57:04,520 --> 00:57:07,080
Speaker 2: even though it probably has prayerfully has never happened to

1117
00:57:07,080 --> 00:57:11,080
Speaker 2: you is and it's a vulgar description, but I felt

1118
00:57:11,120 --> 00:57:15,040
Speaker 2: like my egg was getting gang raped. Oh wow, it

1119
00:57:15,080 --> 00:57:19,480
Speaker 2: felt traumatic. It did not feel good. It felt traumatic,

1120
00:57:20,080 --> 00:57:22,560
Speaker 2: and it felt like that for a good twenty four

1121
00:57:22,600 --> 00:57:26,480
Speaker 2: to forty eight hours. I was just I came home

1122
00:57:26,480 --> 00:57:29,560
Speaker 2: from Mississippi. Cousins wanted to take me. I'm like, no,

1123
00:57:29,920 --> 00:57:32,840
Speaker 2: you know, I was just angry. I just knew. And

1124
00:57:33,160 --> 00:57:36,840
Speaker 2: after a couple of days it transitioned from that feeling

1125
00:57:36,960 --> 00:57:41,080
Speaker 2: to just flutters, and I felt fluttered. After the first

1126
00:57:41,080 --> 00:57:43,040
Speaker 2: couple of days, I felt flutters until the day that

1127
00:57:43,080 --> 00:57:47,080
Speaker 2: she started kicking. So I was never not consciously aware

1128
00:57:47,120 --> 00:57:49,320
Speaker 2: of my daughter's existence from the minute, from the minute

1129
00:57:49,320 --> 00:57:54,280
Speaker 2: conception happened. I felt hurt every single day. Wow. And

1130
00:57:54,320 --> 00:57:57,000
Speaker 2: then I parented her the way that I parented her

1131
00:57:57,080 --> 00:58:01,480
Speaker 2: for eighteen years, and because I'm a seat year. When

1132
00:58:01,480 --> 00:58:05,200
Speaker 2: she was around thirteen twelve, thirteen years old, we started

1133
00:58:05,240 --> 00:58:08,760
Speaker 2: having some serious issues internally and then God started showing

1134
00:58:08,760 --> 00:58:12,280
Speaker 2: me visions. And the visions that God would show me

1135
00:58:12,600 --> 00:58:16,240
Speaker 2: was me turning forty, which was ironically the year that

1136
00:58:16,280 --> 00:58:19,200
Speaker 2: my daughter turned eighteen, and he would show me going

1137
00:58:19,240 --> 00:58:21,960
Speaker 2: in one direction and her going in another direction, and

1138
00:58:22,000 --> 00:58:26,600
Speaker 2: I never understood it, and I would always ask him, like, Iba,

1139
00:58:26,920 --> 00:58:30,320
Speaker 2: you showed me everything. I'm a seer, but you're not

1140
00:58:30,400 --> 00:58:33,240
Speaker 2: showing me all of this, and I have questions. And

1141
00:58:33,280 --> 00:58:35,800
Speaker 2: my main question is you keep showing me in front

1142
00:58:35,800 --> 00:58:38,520
Speaker 2: of these different audiences and ministering the gospel and preaching

1143
00:58:38,560 --> 00:58:41,120
Speaker 2: and doing this and doing that, which I didn't understand,

1144
00:58:41,320 --> 00:58:43,560
Speaker 2: wasn't ready to receive back then. But I knew what

1145
00:58:43,600 --> 00:58:45,760
Speaker 2: he was showing me, But why is my daughter never

1146
00:58:45,800 --> 00:58:48,360
Speaker 2: in the audience? Why is my baby never supporting me?

1147
00:58:48,880 --> 00:58:53,760
Speaker 2: And he would never answer the question. Fast forward to

1148
00:58:53,800 --> 00:58:58,080
Speaker 2: me taking my baby to college in August of twenty nineteen.

1149
00:58:58,840 --> 00:59:02,360
Speaker 2: October of twenty nineth, team, the tension that had been

1150
00:59:02,360 --> 00:59:05,479
Speaker 2: building up between us over the years just exploded. Because

1151
00:59:05,520 --> 00:59:09,040
Speaker 2: she was never a disrespectful child. Everybody in their mind

1152
00:59:09,080 --> 00:59:12,480
Speaker 2: loves this kid because she's just an amazing kid, empathic, sweet,

1153
00:59:12,560 --> 00:59:17,439
Speaker 2: can connect with anybody. So the explosion shocked the heck

1154
00:59:17,480 --> 00:59:19,720
Speaker 2: out of me. And what came out of it was

1155
00:59:19,760 --> 00:59:23,320
Speaker 2: our separation. And I remember going to God in tears,

1156
00:59:23,360 --> 00:59:29,080
Speaker 2: going I gave this child my life. Anybody who talks

1157
00:59:29,200 --> 00:59:32,920
Speaker 2: about my baby, or anybody who mentions me and my conversations,

1158
00:59:32,960 --> 00:59:34,920
Speaker 2: know that all I talked about was my baby. She

1159
00:59:35,000 --> 00:59:39,680
Speaker 2: was my world. I'm like God, my mother hating me

1160
00:59:40,000 --> 00:59:42,280
Speaker 2: should have been enough. Now, all of a sudden, this

1161
00:59:42,400 --> 00:59:45,440
Speaker 2: kid that I've given eighteen years to everything about my

1162
00:59:45,520 --> 00:59:50,000
Speaker 2: world was and now my daughter hates me. Why are

1163
00:59:50,080 --> 00:59:52,640
Speaker 2: you allowing this to happen? She was my world? And

1164
00:59:52,680 --> 00:59:55,479
Speaker 2: I kept saying she was my world, and he said,

1165
00:59:55,880 --> 00:59:59,400
Speaker 2: listen to what you just said. She was your world.

1166
01:00:00,520 --> 01:00:04,320
Speaker 2: You made her your idol. I could not get a

1167
01:00:04,440 --> 01:00:08,240
Speaker 2: leg in with you now that I have allowed the

1168
01:00:08,280 --> 01:00:11,000
Speaker 2: separation because I didn't cause it. This separation is not

1169
01:00:11,200 --> 01:00:15,240
Speaker 2: of me, but I allowed it to happen because I

1170
01:00:15,320 --> 01:00:20,520
Speaker 2: needed to get you by yourself for this season. Now

1171
01:00:20,560 --> 01:00:23,360
Speaker 2: that I have your attention, can I get some attention?

1172
01:00:23,960 --> 01:00:26,040
Speaker 2: Will you do what you said that you would do

1173
01:00:26,120 --> 01:00:29,640
Speaker 2: years ago, which was let me use you. I told

1174
01:00:29,720 --> 01:00:31,680
Speaker 2: you when you were a little girl that if you

1175
01:00:31,760 --> 01:00:35,680
Speaker 2: trusted me one day, I would use your voice. Now

1176
01:00:35,680 --> 01:00:38,960
Speaker 2: I'm asking you to trust me. Let me develop you,

1177
01:00:39,120 --> 01:00:41,320
Speaker 2: let me process you so that I can use you.

1178
01:00:41,440 --> 01:00:43,840
Speaker 2: Because I couldn't get a leg in edgewise with you

1179
01:00:44,040 --> 01:00:48,440
Speaker 2: between your daughter, right, and I just balled, and I'm like,

1180
01:00:48,560 --> 01:00:52,040
Speaker 2: oh my god, So you never showed me why she

1181
01:00:52,200 --> 01:00:54,440
Speaker 2: was never in the audience. You never told me because

1182
01:00:55,520 --> 01:00:57,160
Speaker 2: you felt like I would have tried to change it.

1183
01:00:57,200 --> 01:01:00,240
Speaker 2: He said, yes, you would have. He said, the separation

1184
01:01:00,400 --> 01:01:03,360
Speaker 2: is hurtful, but it's necessary for me to get you

1185
01:01:03,440 --> 01:01:08,360
Speaker 2: in position for what I caused you for. And that

1186
01:01:08,440 --> 01:01:11,400
Speaker 2: my dear was in twenty nineteen and it is now

1187
01:01:11,480 --> 01:01:13,560
Speaker 2: twenty twenty three, and I can tell you now that

1188
01:01:14,200 --> 01:01:18,760
Speaker 2: I completely understand why he allowed what he allowed, even

1189
01:01:18,840 --> 01:01:21,560
Speaker 2: though he would have not liked it to have happened.

1190
01:01:22,240 --> 01:01:25,040
Speaker 2: I understand what he has allowed, and it has helped

1191
01:01:25,040 --> 01:01:27,800
Speaker 2: me to understand what was happening during her conception.

1192
01:01:28,360 --> 01:01:30,000
Speaker 3: Right, it goes.

1193
01:01:30,080 --> 01:01:31,880
Speaker 2: It took me back to her conception, and it's like

1194
01:01:32,400 --> 01:01:37,720
Speaker 2: he was upset my choice to lay with the man

1195
01:01:37,800 --> 01:01:39,920
Speaker 2: who was not my husband, to put myself in a

1196
01:01:39,960 --> 01:01:43,560
Speaker 2: position to get pregnant. God knew back then that I

1197
01:01:43,720 --> 01:01:48,240
Speaker 2: was derailing my destiny. Wow, And so now I tell

1198
01:01:48,280 --> 01:01:51,640
Speaker 2: people I want on an eighteen year detour, and I've

1199
01:01:51,640 --> 01:01:53,640
Speaker 2: been back on this path for four years. And the

1200
01:01:53,680 --> 01:01:56,920
Speaker 2: way that he has propelled me from twenty nineteen to now.

1201
01:01:58,520 --> 01:02:01,439
Speaker 2: I was supposed to be doing this time.

1202
01:02:01,520 --> 01:02:05,440
Speaker 3: My God, right, God, My God, My God.

1203
01:02:05,640 --> 01:02:07,760
Speaker 1: So what's your relationship like with your daughter? Now?

1204
01:02:08,720 --> 01:02:11,080
Speaker 2: My baby and I still don't talk. It's because she

1205
01:02:11,120 --> 01:02:14,920
Speaker 2: won't talk to me, and my baby is struggling with

1206
01:02:14,960 --> 01:02:17,439
Speaker 2: the spirit, and it's what her generation is dealing with.

1207
01:02:18,560 --> 01:02:20,840
Speaker 2: She says that she's not a girl, she's a boy.

1208
01:02:21,680 --> 01:02:25,800
Speaker 2: She's transgender. And what I try to get people to

1209
01:02:25,920 --> 01:02:30,600
Speaker 2: understand is I'm not upset because my daughter wants to

1210
01:02:30,640 --> 01:02:33,120
Speaker 2: be a boy. I'm not upset because my daughter doesn't.

1211
01:02:33,240 --> 01:02:35,120
Speaker 2: It fell out of the image that I have for her.

1212
01:02:35,680 --> 01:02:37,840
Speaker 2: What bothers me is I know who my daughter is

1213
01:02:37,880 --> 01:02:41,880
Speaker 2: in Christ, I know what her anointing is, and I

1214
01:02:41,920 --> 01:02:44,960
Speaker 2: know that all the enemy is doing is distorting her

1215
01:02:45,200 --> 01:02:49,160
Speaker 2: anointing because he does not want her to manifest. This

1216
01:02:49,240 --> 01:02:51,360
Speaker 2: is the child who was ten, eleven, and twelve years

1217
01:02:51,360 --> 01:02:54,480
Speaker 2: old going to church getting in trouble because the youth

1218
01:02:54,520 --> 01:02:57,200
Speaker 2: pastors didn't think that she was paying attention, and they

1219
01:02:57,200 --> 01:03:00,520
Speaker 2: would try to embarrass her and ask her or recite

1220
01:03:00,520 --> 01:03:03,520
Speaker 2: what they had just preached, and by their own admission,

1221
01:03:03,760 --> 01:03:07,080
Speaker 2: she would preach their messages better than they would at

1222
01:03:07,120 --> 01:03:10,160
Speaker 2: eleven and twelve years old. So I know that my

1223
01:03:10,240 --> 01:03:14,120
Speaker 2: baby is spiritually gifted and anointed my mother, even though

1224
01:03:14,160 --> 01:03:16,360
Speaker 2: she doesn't operate in it because of her trauma and

1225
01:03:16,360 --> 01:03:20,520
Speaker 2: the demons that she's entertaining. My mother is a prophetic seer.

1226
01:03:21,800 --> 01:03:24,840
Speaker 2: I'm a prophetic seer. I know what's on me, and

1227
01:03:24,880 --> 01:03:27,280
Speaker 2: I know that what's my daughter is even more magnified

1228
01:03:27,280 --> 01:03:29,400
Speaker 2: than what's me. This girl came out of a woman anointed,

1229
01:03:29,480 --> 01:03:32,439
Speaker 2: even though I wasn't supposed to. It wasn't in God's will.

1230
01:03:33,000 --> 01:03:37,320
Speaker 2: The child came out anointed. She's always been different. She's

1231
01:03:37,400 --> 01:03:41,560
Speaker 2: just always been the one that could reach everybody. And

1232
01:03:41,600 --> 01:03:44,320
Speaker 2: what better way to keep her from manifesting than to

1233
01:03:44,400 --> 01:03:48,800
Speaker 2: distort her identity? And that is my issue, is that

1234
01:03:48,840 --> 01:03:51,320
Speaker 2: the enemy has convinced my baby that she is not

1235
01:03:51,400 --> 01:03:54,920
Speaker 2: who God says she is. So that's the problem that

1236
01:03:54,960 --> 01:03:55,720
Speaker 2: I have with it.

1237
01:03:55,800 --> 01:03:59,320
Speaker 1: So do you think that people can be born transgender?

1238
01:04:00,880 --> 01:04:03,800
Speaker 2: People are not born transgender. What the issue is is

1239
01:04:03,840 --> 01:04:07,080
Speaker 2: that people are born with spirits attached to them. And

1240
01:04:07,120 --> 01:04:09,560
Speaker 2: this is why. In the video that I posted today

1241
01:04:09,640 --> 01:04:13,560
Speaker 2: in a group that I have, it talks about how

1242
01:04:14,080 --> 01:04:16,800
Speaker 2: we have to make sure that we call out the

1243
01:04:16,880 --> 01:04:19,920
Speaker 2: generational covenants and curses that are on blood lines when

1244
01:04:19,960 --> 01:04:22,000
Speaker 2: we get ready to have kids, and we have to

1245
01:04:22,000 --> 01:04:25,320
Speaker 2: figure out when we're recording someone, let's go over your

1246
01:04:25,360 --> 01:04:28,280
Speaker 2: family history. Let's figure out what's attached to your family

1247
01:04:28,320 --> 01:04:30,040
Speaker 2: that has not been broken, because I don't want to

1248
01:04:30,040 --> 01:04:32,960
Speaker 2: deal with this in a kid ten fifteen years down

1249
01:04:32,960 --> 01:04:36,880
Speaker 2: the line. And I'm like nobody in my family, at

1250
01:04:36,960 --> 01:04:39,080
Speaker 2: least at that point, nobody in my family had been

1251
01:04:39,080 --> 01:04:41,840
Speaker 2: dealing with that issue to that degree that I knew of.

1252
01:04:42,920 --> 01:04:47,520
Speaker 2: And God took me back to my daughter's father. My

1253
01:04:47,640 --> 01:04:50,720
Speaker 2: daughter's father shared something with me when he came back

1254
01:04:50,720 --> 01:04:53,280
Speaker 2: from Guama, and he was telling me that he had

1255
01:04:53,320 --> 01:04:55,920
Speaker 2: been in a relationship with a woman that he was

1256
01:04:55,960 --> 01:05:00,400
Speaker 2: in love with and he found out after the fact

1257
01:05:00,440 --> 01:05:05,640
Speaker 2: that she was a man. Yes, and his personality is

1258
01:05:05,720 --> 01:05:08,840
Speaker 2: much like my daughters. They're sweet, they're empathic, He's a

1259
01:05:08,920 --> 01:05:12,440
Speaker 2: perfect Southern gentleman. So I understand how sex didn easily

1260
01:05:12,440 --> 01:05:15,200
Speaker 2: come into the picture with this woman that was actually

1261
01:05:15,240 --> 01:05:18,320
Speaker 2: a man, and he fell in love with her before

1262
01:05:18,360 --> 01:05:20,960
Speaker 2: it actually came to that, and once it went once

1263
01:05:21,000 --> 01:05:23,120
Speaker 2: he tried to get it to go there and he

1264
01:05:23,240 --> 01:05:28,120
Speaker 2: found out the truth, he was conflicted, like, I'm in

1265
01:05:28,200 --> 01:05:31,000
Speaker 2: love with this woman, but this woman is a man.

1266
01:05:31,120 --> 01:05:33,760
Speaker 2: So it was an emotional soul type that was formed.

1267
01:05:33,760 --> 01:05:37,040
Speaker 2: He had inadvertently entered into a covenant with that spirit

1268
01:05:38,240 --> 01:05:41,640
Speaker 2: and then right after he gets home, we end up

1269
01:05:41,680 --> 01:05:44,840
Speaker 2: coming together. And so now that spirit has transferred to

1270
01:05:44,920 --> 01:05:49,720
Speaker 2: my child and manifested twelve thirteen years down the line.

1271
01:05:50,000 --> 01:05:55,520
Speaker 2: It was that spirit that transparence. Wow. And it is

1272
01:05:55,560 --> 01:05:59,680
Speaker 2: exactly why I tell people, even when kids like my

1273
01:05:59,680 --> 01:06:04,640
Speaker 2: brother get adopted out of the family, the familial stuff

1274
01:06:04,680 --> 01:06:09,600
Speaker 2: still comes up. Yeah, because it's that Lenny is attached

1275
01:06:09,640 --> 01:06:12,520
Speaker 2: to the line's those amounted curses and covenants are still

1276
01:06:12,560 --> 01:06:17,920
Speaker 2: attached until somebody decides to break them. Right, Deliverance is

1277
01:06:17,960 --> 01:06:22,320
Speaker 2: what needs to happen. But the Black Church, especially has

1278
01:06:22,400 --> 01:06:25,520
Speaker 2: gotten so far away from deliverance ministries that it's not funny.

1279
01:06:25,520 --> 01:06:29,840
Speaker 2: And that's where our healing lies. Wow.

1280
01:06:30,960 --> 01:06:35,080
Speaker 1: This concludes part one of this week's episode. Stay tuned

1281
01:06:35,120 --> 01:06:37,440
Speaker 1: for part two, which will be out next week. And

1282
01:06:37,480 --> 01:06:40,720
Speaker 1: I cannot wait for you all to hear because we

1283
01:06:40,800 --> 01:06:43,920
Speaker 1: dive even deeper into my guest story and I know

1284
01:06:44,000 --> 01:06:46,680
Speaker 1: y'all probably like, girl, how do Can we go? But

1285
01:06:46,760 --> 01:06:50,600
Speaker 1: I'm telling y'all it is really good. Don't forget to

1286
01:06:50,600 --> 01:06:53,720
Speaker 1: connect with me on social media at the Professional Homegirl

1287
01:06:54,120 --> 01:06:58,120
Speaker 1: on Instagram TikTok and subscribe to my YouTube channel at

1288
01:06:58,120 --> 01:07:00,440
Speaker 1: the Professional Homegirl. And if you want to key key

1289
01:07:00,480 --> 01:07:03,120
Speaker 1: about this week's episode, please make sure to follow me

1290
01:07:03,200 --> 01:07:07,120
Speaker 1: at the PG podcast on Instagram as well. Be sure

1291
01:07:07,200 --> 01:07:10,360
Speaker 1: to check out my new project title They All, the

1292
01:07:10,400 --> 01:07:13,640
Speaker 1: one where I write short stories based on true events

1293
01:07:13,680 --> 01:07:15,880
Speaker 1: for my love life. You can check that out at

1294
01:07:16,040 --> 01:07:20,080
Speaker 1: www dot t h e y A l l t

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01:07:20,320 --> 01:07:24,160
Speaker 1: h e o n e dot com. Until next time,

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Speaker 1: everyone Later. The Professional Homegirl podcast is a production of

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Speaker 1: the Black Effect Podcast Network. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio,

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Speaker 1: visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen

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Speaker 1: to your favorite shows. Don't forget to subscribe and rate

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Speaker 1: the show, and you can connect with me on social

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Speaker 1: media at the PHG podcast