WEBVTT - Courting vs Dating 0:00:04.920 --> 0:00:07.120 I'm a Honey German. My parents are Dominican. I was 0:00:07.160 --> 0:00:09.680 born and raised in New York City. I love sneakers 0:00:09.680 --> 0:00:14.640 and I'm a body positive advocate. I'm Carolina Bermudez. But 0:00:14.720 --> 0:00:17.640 I was born and raised in Ohio. I'm a wife, 0:00:17.800 --> 0:00:22.239 a mama, and a worker bee. This is life in spanglish. 0:00:22.400 --> 0:00:24.960 Now I'm wondering why Honey is looking up her norm 0:00:25.079 --> 0:00:27.040 dot com on how to court amand but then I 0:00:27.080 --> 0:00:30.920 remembered its research. It's research, but it's also something that 0:00:31.040 --> 0:00:33.279 came up in the house while I was you know, 0:00:33.360 --> 0:00:35.519 it was like a Sunday and I woke up and 0:00:35.560 --> 0:00:38.080 I was like, I'm gonna clean. I took out meat 0:00:38.159 --> 0:00:40.479 and I cooked, you know, and then when everything was ready, 0:00:40.600 --> 0:00:43.080 I looked around. I put a prosecco on ice, and 0:00:43.159 --> 0:00:45.599 I asked my husband. I said, what if you came 0:00:45.600 --> 0:00:47.760 to a single girl's house and it looked like this, 0:00:48.240 --> 0:00:50.640 as she had this food and she had a bottle 0:00:50.640 --> 0:00:52.960 of Bubbly on ice for you? He said, I would 0:00:52.960 --> 0:00:54.800 be like, bitch, I'm moving in, he said, But you 0:00:54.840 --> 0:00:57.720 know what, that'll never happen because women don't know how 0:00:57.760 --> 0:01:00.920 to court men. They think we have to court them. 0:01:01.160 --> 0:01:03.640 He's like, so this right here, me walking into a 0:01:03.640 --> 0:01:07.399 woman's house, car driveway, house, clean food on the stove. 0:01:07.440 --> 0:01:09.160 He said, that wouldn't happen. Y'all. I don't know how 0:01:09.200 --> 0:01:11.760 to really court men. And that's why I said, I 0:01:11.760 --> 0:01:13.800 want to talk to Carolina about this, because you know, 0:01:13.800 --> 0:01:16.839 we're both married. So obviously we did something to get 0:01:16.880 --> 0:01:26.120 a ring and that was it. But not like the 0:01:26.200 --> 0:01:28.480 kind of bacteria, the good kind. Oh no, I just 0:01:28.480 --> 0:01:31.000 missed the clean But anyway, but you know, I was 0:01:31.040 --> 0:01:32.560 reading I went online and I was like, you know what, 0:01:32.640 --> 0:01:34.360 let me see what tips on courting a man? Like 0:01:34.400 --> 0:01:36.240 what if I was singled again right now? Well, I 0:01:36.319 --> 0:01:38.240 was curious because people who have been listening to us 0:01:38.280 --> 0:01:40.319 for many seasons. And by the way, thank you guys 0:01:40.319 --> 0:01:43.399 so much for checking out the podcast. But Bella, your sister, 0:01:43.520 --> 0:01:45.280 your baby sister, who I just think is like the 0:01:45.319 --> 0:01:49.280 most gorgeous human being on the planet. She was single 0:01:49.400 --> 0:01:51.640 for years. Has she found love or is she's still 0:01:51.680 --> 0:01:55.000 out there looking around? She's still looking see And that's 0:01:55.040 --> 0:01:57.840 the thing. It's like we've got all of these beautiful, 0:01:57.960 --> 0:02:02.880 intelligent jere ra you know God, but like they cannot 0:02:02.920 --> 0:02:05.360 find a man so what is it? Is it the 0:02:05.400 --> 0:02:07.640 men or is it the women? Well, I have a 0:02:07.640 --> 0:02:11.320 lot of intel on that. So they are dating a lot. 0:02:11.760 --> 0:02:15.800 The dating apps are yielding results, but once they go 0:02:15.880 --> 0:02:19.160 on one, two, three dates then things fizzle out. Why, 0:02:19.320 --> 0:02:22.960 I wonder, m is it because there's too many people there? 0:02:23.080 --> 0:02:27.800 There's many options that that's number one. I feel like, Okay, 0:02:28.160 --> 0:02:29.960 this date is not going well. Well, you know what, 0:02:30.040 --> 0:02:32.920 I'm gonna go under the table and start swiping. When 0:02:32.960 --> 0:02:35.919 we met our husbands, this was not a thing you 0:02:36.080 --> 0:02:39.040 met people in the street. You actually went out to 0:02:39.040 --> 0:02:40.799 a club and if you like the guy, oh my god, 0:02:40.800 --> 0:02:42.600 I gotta get his number before we leave. Oh my god. 0:02:42.600 --> 0:02:44.400 Hell no, or you would come back next week and 0:02:44.440 --> 0:02:46.320 be like, oh my god, I hope he comes again. Totally, 0:02:46.400 --> 0:02:48.760 that is not a thing anymore. Now it's let me 0:02:48.840 --> 0:02:50.880 check my DMS, let me go on Instagram, let me 0:02:50.880 --> 0:02:54.760 go on TikTok. The possibilities are infinite right now for 0:02:54.800 --> 0:02:56.320 you to meet people. You don't even have to leave 0:02:56.360 --> 0:02:58.520 your house. Remember Carolina, you have to get dressed and 0:02:59.120 --> 0:03:02.640 coming see that. You know, I know, well, that's what 0:03:02.680 --> 0:03:06.160 I was thinking to myself. It's like, you know, I'm 0:03:06.320 --> 0:03:10.760 always in three layers. Okay, I got my boots on, 0:03:10.880 --> 0:03:13.880 I got my clothes on, being like I go outside. 0:03:13.880 --> 0:03:16.160 But no before I used to go out in the 0:03:16.240 --> 0:03:19.240 skimpiest little outfits. It'd be like four o'clock in the 0:03:19.320 --> 0:03:22.640 morning in the Tri State area, three below, and I 0:03:22.639 --> 0:03:25.480 would be like, this is nothing because you were out there. 0:03:25.480 --> 0:03:27.120 I was not wearing no damn coat to the club. 0:03:27.160 --> 0:03:29.640 Motherfuckers needed to see that body, Adidi. While I was 0:03:29.720 --> 0:03:32.519 walking from the damn garage to the club. You never 0:03:32.600 --> 0:03:36.600 knew that advertising it was. I was not wearing no coat. 0:03:36.680 --> 0:03:39.960 I ain't cold. You know what celebrity said, hos never 0:03:40.000 --> 0:03:42.280 get cold. I think it was Cardi. Oh my gosh, 0:03:42.320 --> 0:03:44.480 I like, God bless her, Cardi. You know what you 0:03:44.560 --> 0:03:46.240 say everything that we think in our heads that we 0:03:46.320 --> 0:03:48.880 never want to say, but it's so accurate. But you 0:03:48.960 --> 0:03:51.400 bring up a good point, honey, because you were talking 0:03:51.440 --> 0:03:54.320 about how you just like prepared this meal for Noony. 0:03:54.480 --> 0:03:58.040 You you made like the effort that you set up 0:03:58.080 --> 0:04:01.880 the whole scene for him, And I think that's a big, 0:04:01.920 --> 0:04:04.600 big part of it. Courting is a big part and 0:04:04.600 --> 0:04:06.880 that's what I think we're missing. We're going from like 0:04:07.840 --> 0:04:11.080 apps to just either dating or not dating, and there's 0:04:11.120 --> 0:04:12.840 not that in between time. Where are you getting them? Like, 0:04:12.880 --> 0:04:17.080 figure somebody out? And I feel also that women courting 0:04:17.120 --> 0:04:20.440 men is frowned upon in this day and age. You know, 0:04:20.560 --> 0:04:22.120 my single friends, like the ones that I know are 0:04:22.120 --> 0:04:24.480 still out there, they need to be courted. What are 0:04:24.480 --> 0:04:26.719 you doing for me? Where are you taking me? Are 0:04:26.720 --> 0:04:30.000 you buying me a bag? Like the courting has taken 0:04:30.000 --> 0:04:32.520 on a whole new meaning. It's just like, okay, he 0:04:32.600 --> 0:04:34.599 has to prove to me why I should even be 0:04:34.680 --> 0:04:37.080 with him. But then with women, I don't feel like 0:04:37.440 --> 0:04:40.799 we're being forced to prove to men why they should 0:04:40.800 --> 0:04:44.240 pick us. And it might seem a little antiquated or whatever. 0:04:44.279 --> 0:04:46.200 You know, back in the days when women were like 0:04:46.400 --> 0:04:55.440 jokosino yo lao yo, plancho jolo. That's gone. It's it's 0:04:55.480 --> 0:05:01.200 just now it's aesthetics, bodies, bbl's beauty, extensions of lashes, 0:05:01.279 --> 0:05:03.440 Like do you think that that's a part of the 0:05:03.480 --> 0:05:06.680 culture though, because I feel like as of late okay, 0:05:06.720 --> 0:05:10.080 so now, I was going out and dating in the nineties, 0:05:10.120 --> 0:05:13.520 late nineties, I would say, early two thousands, let's put it, okay, 0:05:14.080 --> 0:05:17.040 And like I was not wearing fake lashes to the club. No. 0:05:17.640 --> 0:05:20.719 I was barely getting my Mac eyeshadow from the counter. 0:05:20.800 --> 0:05:22.880 I was borrowing things from my friends, you know what 0:05:22.920 --> 0:05:25.160 I mean. Like there just wasn't the access I guess 0:05:25.200 --> 0:05:27.680 to a lot of these things. Like nobody knew. There 0:05:27.760 --> 0:05:31.680 wasn't YouTube. We weren't teaching ourselves makeup tutorials. Crazy, I 0:05:31.680 --> 0:05:34.520 had the wrong NC forty five or some ship from man, 0:05:34.800 --> 0:05:37.960 why did you just do fine Nancy thirty five? I 0:05:38.080 --> 0:05:40.440 was like forty five or something shades. I don't know, 0:05:40.480 --> 0:05:42.839 it's just wrong. I know it's just wrong. That is 0:05:43.040 --> 0:05:45.280 that's all I had. Fine to your chin line. It 0:05:45.360 --> 0:05:47.080 was like totally different. But you know you were out 0:05:47.120 --> 0:05:48.960 there and you were just like having fun with it. 0:05:49.080 --> 0:05:51.880 Yet Yes, but yeah, no, not the pressure. We can 0:05:52.000 --> 0:05:54.000 we can do a whole other episode on the pressure, 0:05:54.040 --> 0:05:58.360 the beauty pressure. Now it's nails, it's lashes, it's fillers, 0:05:58.360 --> 0:06:03.160 it's bbl's, it's sensions, it's just laminating the eyebrows. It's 0:06:03.200 --> 0:06:07.320 the fucking most Carolina. And if this is what you're doing, 0:06:07.600 --> 0:06:11.440 I feel for you because not only financially, but emotionally 0:06:11.480 --> 0:06:14.080 and you know, just your self esteem in general has 0:06:14.120 --> 0:06:17.320 to feel just tired. Yeah, it's a lot of upkeep. 0:06:17.680 --> 0:06:20.039 It's it's a lot of pressure, I believe, for a 0:06:20.080 --> 0:06:23.359 woman to constantly be on. And I think there's something 0:06:23.400 --> 0:06:26.359 really natural, you know, and I'm not going to quote Drake, 0:06:26.440 --> 0:06:29.960 but you know sweatpants, you know, chilling with no makeup on, 0:06:30.400 --> 0:06:32.359 that's when you're the prettiest, you know. I think that 0:06:32.400 --> 0:06:35.039 a lot of women have lost that natural ability to 0:06:35.160 --> 0:06:38.839 just be themselves because we have filters and there's always 0:06:38.839 --> 0:06:41.839 somebody on social media who's looking better than you, or 0:06:41.880 --> 0:06:46.160 the society pressure Carolina, it's just insane. It's just after 0:06:46.200 --> 0:06:47.920 the pandemic, I said, okay, I'm not going to wear 0:06:47.960 --> 0:06:51.360 extensions anymore because that was a thorn on my side, right. 0:06:51.440 --> 0:06:52.760 But it was the way I never noticed that you 0:06:52.760 --> 0:06:54.640 were extensions. You would tell me you would get bundles 0:06:54.680 --> 0:06:56.440 sometimes if they did a good job, because I could 0:06:56.520 --> 0:06:58.800 never tell they weren't so obnoxious, that's what you know. 0:06:58.839 --> 0:07:00.880 The hand time wasn't down to my ankles and they 0:07:01.080 --> 0:07:03.599 beat you one sometimes. But but yeah, no, it was 0:07:03.600 --> 0:07:06.839 a thing. I didn't feel confident without my extensions. It 0:07:06.880 --> 0:07:08.800 just gave me like, okay, now I could do half 0:07:08.839 --> 0:07:10.840 up half down. After the pandemic, I said, I'm not 0:07:10.880 --> 0:07:13.120 doing this anymore because I felt, you know, it was 0:07:13.200 --> 0:07:16.800 kind of like trapped and I didn't feel good and 0:07:16.800 --> 0:07:19.040 I didn't feel confident. Without the hair. It was just like, 0:07:19.080 --> 0:07:20.880 oh god, I would take out my hair and it's like, 0:07:20.880 --> 0:07:22.280 oh my god, if this girl cancels on me, I'm 0:07:22.280 --> 0:07:24.360 gonna die. Who the hell I want to live? Like 0:07:24.400 --> 0:07:26.520 that same thing with nails, it was just like, oh 0:07:26.520 --> 0:07:28.000 my god, my nail broke. The girl can't see me 0:07:28.040 --> 0:07:29.520 for a week. I don't want to go nowhere missing 0:07:29.520 --> 0:07:31.320 a nail. I gave up on the nail. The best 0:07:31.360 --> 0:07:33.280 thing I did. Look at this, I'm showing honey, my 0:07:33.360 --> 0:07:35.040 nails right now. I learned how to do my own 0:07:35.040 --> 0:07:37.280 manicure during the pandemic. You have one of those. I'm 0:07:37.320 --> 0:07:40.080 one of those how to do it, and now I maintain. 0:07:40.200 --> 0:07:43.520 It's like listen, No, Carolina, like listen. Just having natural 0:07:43.600 --> 0:07:46.160 nails is one thing. Doing your own nails, that's the 0:07:46.280 --> 0:07:49.480 next level shit right there, natural my own nails. But 0:07:49.600 --> 0:07:52.480 you know why you got the real salone? Time is everything. 0:07:52.600 --> 0:07:54.960 You come to my house and it's the salon. I 0:07:55.040 --> 0:07:57.000 don't have an hour and a half two hours to 0:07:57.000 --> 0:07:59.920 go to the Why don't you try three hours sometimes, Carolina? Right, 0:08:00.040 --> 0:08:01.640 because of the weight or whatever it is. And so 0:08:01.680 --> 0:08:03.760 I said, I'm going to take matters into my own hands. 0:08:03.760 --> 0:08:05.800 Do I like to look clean and you know, nice 0:08:05.840 --> 0:08:08.600 and presentable. Absolutely, But I'm not going to be a 0:08:08.680 --> 0:08:12.880 slave to beauty industry, to the beauty industry. And so 0:08:12.920 --> 0:08:15.000 I think that, like, I know, this is what happens 0:08:15.000 --> 0:08:16.760 when Honey and I start talking, We go off on 0:08:16.800 --> 0:08:19.120 these tangents. But I know we have to bring it 0:08:19.120 --> 0:08:21.800 back to how to court demand to this article because 0:08:21.840 --> 0:08:24.640 I thought this was so excellent for people who are 0:08:24.680 --> 0:08:28.120 really trying to look for that partner, and we're talking 0:08:28.160 --> 0:08:30.400 about you guys both have to be on that level. Though. 0:08:30.760 --> 0:08:33.120 You can't have a guy that's still out there trying 0:08:33.160 --> 0:08:36.000 to look for three side pieces, trying to smash and 0:08:36.040 --> 0:08:40.080 grab and you trying to lock it down. That's absolutely yeah. 0:08:40.120 --> 0:08:42.520 So these are the tips that they said, and I 0:08:42.559 --> 0:08:45.200 feel like these are really some of them are so basic, 0:08:45.720 --> 0:08:49.680 but they're honest, of course. And the first one is 0:08:49.920 --> 0:08:53.679 know the difference between dating and courting. Dating is focused 0:08:53.679 --> 0:08:57.240 on companionship. It's usually short term, while courtship is when 0:08:57.240 --> 0:08:59.400 two people get to know each other better and their 0:08:59.400 --> 0:09:01.000 aim is may or And this is the step that 0:09:01.040 --> 0:09:03.680 I said that we're missing because you go from dating 0:09:04.080 --> 0:09:07.640 and then you're either together and that's it. We're together together, 0:09:07.760 --> 0:09:10.880 or they fizzle off and they find somebody else. Courting 0:09:11.080 --> 0:09:13.640 is that experience where you get to know the other person, 0:09:13.720 --> 0:09:15.800 where you get to ask them the questions about their 0:09:15.840 --> 0:09:19.480 family history or what their dreams and what their goals are, 0:09:19.600 --> 0:09:21.120 you know what I mean. You normally don't go there 0:09:21.280 --> 0:09:24.120 on the third date. No, and if you're dating, you're 0:09:24.120 --> 0:09:26.840 obviously not going to start like, hey come over, I'm 0:09:26.880 --> 0:09:28.840 going to give you a manicure, or hey I'm going 0:09:28.880 --> 0:09:30.400 to cook for you, you you know, because then they're like, 0:09:30.440 --> 0:09:32.160 oh my gosh, what is she thinking. She already wants 0:09:32.160 --> 0:09:35.480 to marry me, So you have already ordering the embroidered towels. No, 0:09:35.720 --> 0:09:39.199 not at all. So it's just like courting. Now that's different. 0:09:44.280 --> 0:09:46.520 But yes, I agree with you. And now the second 0:09:46.559 --> 0:09:49.360 tip it says court to marry, not to date. This 0:09:49.440 --> 0:09:52.800 is huge. When I was in my third well, I 0:09:52.840 --> 0:09:55.000 think it was like twenty eight, twenty nine, and I 0:09:55.080 --> 0:09:57.560 made that decision and I said, you know, what if 0:09:57.600 --> 0:09:59.280 I'm going to date somebody, and if I'm going to 0:09:59.360 --> 0:10:02.080 invest my time, it's going to be the person that 0:10:02.280 --> 0:10:05.080 I want to be with. And you don't know if 0:10:05.080 --> 0:10:06.920 you want to be with somebody until you're actually, like 0:10:07.000 --> 0:10:09.880 really dating them. But that was the goal. The goal 0:10:09.960 --> 0:10:13.160 for me and mind was like, I want to devote 0:10:13.240 --> 0:10:16.839 and invest time in somebody who I believe eventually could 0:10:16.880 --> 0:10:20.199 be marriage material. And you know, that's that's an old, 0:10:20.200 --> 0:10:23.240 old old mindset, but it still works. It's just like, 0:10:23.679 --> 0:10:26.080 why are you wasting time with someone that you cannot 0:10:26.160 --> 0:10:29.520 see yourself marrying or having children with or changing, especially 0:10:29.559 --> 0:10:33.160 if that's your purpose here. It's because some people date, 0:10:33.240 --> 0:10:35.320 you know, for food, some people date for trips, some 0:10:35.360 --> 0:10:38.160 people date for gifts. But if you're dating to try 0:10:38.200 --> 0:10:41.680 to find someone to marry, then you know, make sure 0:10:41.840 --> 0:10:45.319 that person that's in front of you someone you would marry. Exactly, 0:10:45.400 --> 0:10:48.079 That's exactly it. The third one said confirm your sentiments 0:10:48.120 --> 0:10:51.040 for the man you have intentions of marrying. So basically 0:10:51.120 --> 0:10:54.200 it says like you have to reflect personally and have 0:10:54.280 --> 0:10:56.400 a conversation with yourself and say, are you sure you 0:10:56.440 --> 0:10:59.640 want to do this? Am I ready for the next step, 0:10:59.640 --> 0:11:02.400 because you also could maybe not be ready. You could 0:11:02.400 --> 0:11:04.280 be putting yourself in a position because your friends are 0:11:04.280 --> 0:11:07.520 getting married, your mom wants you to get married, your 0:11:07.559 --> 0:11:11.240 biological clock is ticking, all of these things that society 0:11:11.280 --> 0:11:14.080 has put on us. But are you really ready? You 0:11:14.080 --> 0:11:16.520 have to be honest with yourself. No, that's before you 0:11:16.679 --> 0:11:20.040 enter anything. Ask yourself, is it time? Is this jersey 0:11:20.040 --> 0:11:22.000 gonna go up on the wall? Am I done dating? 0:11:22.280 --> 0:11:24.240 But I don't know. I feel like people put it 0:11:24.280 --> 0:11:26.440 in their mind. Okay, I want to get married, but 0:11:26.480 --> 0:11:28.640 it's just more. I always bring it back to the 0:11:28.679 --> 0:11:31.880 social media. Everybody's married. It's cool to be married. Before 0:11:32.160 --> 0:11:34.480 everybody hid the day either had a boyfriend or a girlfriend. 0:11:34.480 --> 0:11:36.440 It was never cool to be married. Now it's just 0:11:36.520 --> 0:11:40.120 social media. A couple goals like TikTok's. You know, don't 0:11:40.280 --> 0:11:43.040 think I want that because that's what you see on 0:11:43.080 --> 0:11:46.040 social media because you're catching a glimpse like I did, 0:11:46.160 --> 0:11:48.280 a couple of questions a couple of weeks ago, or whatever. 0:11:48.280 --> 0:11:50.920 The case may be super cool, super fun, but we 0:11:50.960 --> 0:11:52.880 will fucking kill each other on our way to wherever 0:11:52.920 --> 0:11:55.440 we're going. So just know that, you know, just know 0:11:55.520 --> 0:11:57.320 that it looks cool, but there's ups and downs to 0:11:57.400 --> 0:11:59.719 every relationship, you know, And that's where I think that 0:11:59.760 --> 0:12:04.480 people we get this glossy version on social media where 0:12:04.840 --> 0:12:06.880 you don't get to see well, at least for people 0:12:06.920 --> 0:12:09.000 like us, because we're not on reality shows. And even 0:12:09.000 --> 0:12:11.800 then they're edited. You know, they'll show you everything. So 0:12:11.920 --> 0:12:14.000 you got to be willing to put yourself in that 0:12:14.040 --> 0:12:16.880 position to say, am I really ready to get into 0:12:17.040 --> 0:12:22.360 that type of an intense relationship? Number four for me, honey, 0:12:23.240 --> 0:12:26.559 and I'm gonna just focus on you no, because this 0:12:26.640 --> 0:12:30.679 actually made me think of you. Start with friendship. The 0:12:31.280 --> 0:12:36.120 behavior that I've seen your husband exhibit to you in 0:12:36.160 --> 0:12:41.600 the past couple of years. This guy is the real deal, 0:12:42.880 --> 0:12:45.600 but the way that he treats you, it's like a 0:12:45.720 --> 0:12:48.679 real friend would treat another friend, do you know what 0:12:48.720 --> 0:12:50.200 I mean? And that's why I said when I read 0:12:50.200 --> 0:12:52.679 this one, it made me think of you immediately. We 0:12:52.760 --> 0:12:55.400 say we're family. It's weird, we don't have children, but 0:12:55.600 --> 0:12:58.560 we're family, me and him, like we try not to 0:12:58.640 --> 0:13:01.600 hurt each other, to say nasty things to each other, 0:13:01.720 --> 0:13:04.880 like we are friends. And if you have the right marriage, 0:13:04.880 --> 0:13:06.640 it's going to feel like you have your best friend 0:13:06.679 --> 0:13:08.599 all the time with you. Wake up, you want to 0:13:08.640 --> 0:13:11.880 go get pancakes. You hold me right there, you want 0:13:11.880 --> 0:13:14.040 to go to the movies, holdie right here, you want 0:13:14.000 --> 0:13:17.360 to go shopping. It's just yeah, definitely start with a 0:13:17.360 --> 0:13:20.480 friendship because eventually, yeah, it's gonna be freaky, it's gonna 0:13:20.480 --> 0:13:23.400 be nasty, it's gonna be crazy. But in the end, 0:13:23.559 --> 0:13:26.560 you want friendship. You want a bond, you want somebody 0:13:26.559 --> 0:13:29.719 that treats you good. So you know, plus, like, when 0:13:29.760 --> 0:13:31.320 you start out with a friendship, it allows you to 0:13:31.320 --> 0:13:33.880 see the person like who they really are, right, but 0:13:33.920 --> 0:13:37.520 its surface. You're not really getting to the real person. 0:13:37.840 --> 0:13:40.080 You're not getting to meat and potatoes, yeah at all. 0:13:40.480 --> 0:13:42.880 So yeah, I would start out with a friendship. You 0:13:42.920 --> 0:13:44.920 feel like kissing your friend, you feel like fucking your friend, 0:13:44.960 --> 0:13:49.120 go for it because eventually you will exactly. I feel 0:13:49.120 --> 0:13:50.839 like Number five says, you have to talk to him 0:13:50.840 --> 0:13:53.800 about it, and I this might be scary for people. 0:13:54.280 --> 0:13:56.800 I think putting yourself out there and being vulnerable is 0:13:56.840 --> 0:14:00.400 a very frightening thing for a lot of people. So 0:14:00.440 --> 0:14:03.240 if this is in your game plan and you talk 0:14:03.320 --> 0:14:05.640 to this person about it and they're not ready to 0:14:05.679 --> 0:14:09.360 receive that message that right there should be assigned to you. 0:14:09.640 --> 0:14:13.640 Of course, that's just your breakaway moment, you know. Obviously, 0:14:13.640 --> 0:14:15.240 if you're going to talk to him about, you know, 0:14:15.280 --> 0:14:18.560 wanting to enter committed relationships, at this point, you have 0:14:18.640 --> 0:14:20.320 to have been seeing him, probably for a couple of 0:14:20.360 --> 0:14:22.800 months or something. But it might give you the clarity 0:14:22.840 --> 0:14:25.120 that you need. He might be like, nah, Son, I'm 0:14:25.160 --> 0:14:26.920 not trying to get married. I don't see myself as 0:14:26.960 --> 0:14:28.800 the marrying type, and you don't have to waste a 0:14:28.880 --> 0:14:31.200 year or two or three to get exactly. But then 0:14:31.240 --> 0:14:33.240 you can also see like, if he is there, if 0:14:33.280 --> 0:14:36.920 you guys are mutually understanding each other, then you could say, wow, okay, 0:14:37.960 --> 0:14:40.200 let's explore this a little bit more, like, let's dive 0:14:40.200 --> 0:14:43.000 in a little bit more and give more to the relationship. 0:14:43.800 --> 0:14:48.800 Knowing his friends is such a huge one because for me, 0:14:48.960 --> 0:14:52.640 I always say I gained so much in my relationship 0:14:52.640 --> 0:14:56.440 with Mark. He has the most beautiful group of friends 0:14:56.600 --> 0:14:59.120 from college. So if you imagine these people have been 0:14:59.120 --> 0:15:02.320 together for what twenty five years almost, and they find 0:15:02.400 --> 0:15:04.680 time to see each other, they find time to visit 0:15:04.720 --> 0:15:07.440 with one another, you're not going to get along with everybody. 0:15:07.480 --> 0:15:09.560 It's not going to be like all peaches and cream 0:15:09.560 --> 0:15:12.640 with every single person. But if you know the person's 0:15:12.720 --> 0:15:15.440 friends and you can see that they're slightly like minded, 0:15:15.520 --> 0:15:19.680 Like all of Mark's friends are devoted husbands, they're family guys, 0:15:19.720 --> 0:15:22.240 they love their kids. You know. But no, but that's 0:15:22.240 --> 0:15:24.080 what I'm saying. But with you, with Nooney, you were 0:15:24.080 --> 0:15:26.200 telling me how he had friends that were always like 0:15:26.800 --> 0:15:29.960 he still has messy. He still has friends that are dating. 0:15:30.360 --> 0:15:32.600 You know, he still has friends that are cheating. He 0:15:32.640 --> 0:15:34.880 still has friends that are just in the same black 0:15:35.000 --> 0:15:36.960 where they were born. So it's just it's for me, 0:15:37.040 --> 0:15:39.000 it's different. Like I love them all. Don't get me wrong, 0:15:39.040 --> 0:15:42.000 they're all They've always been very respectful, not always of 0:15:42.040 --> 0:15:48.080 our relationship but exactly, but of me in my face. 0:15:48.120 --> 0:15:51.880 They've always been super respectful. But yeah, knowing his friends, 0:15:52.000 --> 0:15:55.320 it will give you also a good idea about how 0:15:55.360 --> 0:15:58.440 he moves, who he surrounds himself with, where he came from. 0:15:58.640 --> 0:16:01.440 So definitely, you know, don't be push either with the friendship. 0:16:01.560 --> 0:16:04.200 But the friend thing, I didn't. I didn't actually push 0:16:04.280 --> 0:16:06.200 for the friend thing. We went to a wedding. He 0:16:06.240 --> 0:16:07.640 invited me to a wedding, and that's where all of 0:16:07.680 --> 0:16:10.320 his friends were. And the number one thing that they 0:16:10.400 --> 0:16:12.760 kept saying to me was like, wow, Mark never brings 0:16:12.800 --> 0:16:17.800 anybody around. Oh my gosh, this must be serious. Was 0:16:17.880 --> 0:16:22.280 the one Karl knows, I'm getting mama fucking rings. I 0:16:22.400 --> 0:16:24.920 know I was ready, no, because I knew when I 0:16:24.960 --> 0:16:26.600 met him like that, that was the point in my 0:16:26.640 --> 0:16:29.600 life that I was at. And after we dated, even 0:16:29.680 --> 0:16:31.240 like I think it was like the third of the 0:16:31.280 --> 0:16:33.600 fourth date or something, I knew. I just knew. I 0:16:33.680 --> 0:16:36.000 knew that that was it. Like, Karl, this is like 0:16:36.000 --> 0:16:37.920 one in a million. It's one in a million in 0:16:37.960 --> 0:16:40.120 New York City because I had kissed a lot of frogs. 0:16:40.760 --> 0:16:44.760 Knowing his family, this is one that actually was very 0:16:44.800 --> 0:16:47.560 telling to me. You know, Mark, my husband is an 0:16:47.560 --> 0:16:50.520 only child, only had his mother and his father. Um. 0:16:50.840 --> 0:16:53.440 I did get a glimpse into his family dynamic by 0:16:53.440 --> 0:16:55.560 the way that his family treated each other, by the 0:16:55.600 --> 0:16:58.240 way that his mother and father and respectfully, I'll just 0:16:58.280 --> 0:17:01.160 say they weren't very affectionate with each other. Doesn't mean 0:17:01.200 --> 0:17:02.960 they didn't have a great relationship. That was just how 0:17:03.000 --> 0:17:05.800 they moved. It helped me gain a better understanding of 0:17:05.840 --> 0:17:07.600 what kind of a man I was going to be 0:17:07.680 --> 0:17:10.480 getting because of what he grew up with. It didn't 0:17:10.480 --> 0:17:12.560 mean that he couldn't change, though, or that he wouldn't 0:17:12.600 --> 0:17:15.280 adapt to how my family. He was like, you guys 0:17:15.320 --> 0:17:17.760 all hug each other. You guys like touch each other 0:17:17.800 --> 0:17:19.679 all the time. He's like like, what, Like what is 0:17:19.720 --> 0:17:22.600 that you know? So knowing somebody's family, I think gives 0:17:22.600 --> 0:17:25.679 you a really good insight into who they are. And 0:17:25.760 --> 0:17:28.760 if you don't get to know his family or there's 0:17:28.760 --> 0:17:33.040 some type of roadblock, Yeah, there's something behind there because 0:17:33.640 --> 0:17:36.040 I didn't meet my husband's family for a very long time. 0:17:36.600 --> 0:17:38.480 But come to find out was that he was treating 0:17:38.480 --> 0:17:41.760 our relationship as very very casual and there was still 0:17:41.800 --> 0:17:46.200 other people lingering exes and stuff. So I didn't meet 0:17:46.240 --> 0:17:48.560 his family for a long time. Was he like afraid 0:17:48.600 --> 0:17:50.160 that they were going to call him out in front 0:17:50.160 --> 0:17:53.679 of you? Sure? But like I'm pretty sure, so red flag. 0:17:53.720 --> 0:17:55.800 If he won't bring you to me his family, he's 0:17:55.880 --> 0:17:57.879 hiding something, you know. They always be like, oh, not 0:17:57.960 --> 0:18:00.639 everybody meets my family. Not everybody meets my family. But 0:18:00.720 --> 0:18:03.600 sometimes the problem is that somebody's already met the family 0:18:03.600 --> 0:18:06.440 and they still around because I feel like it's never 0:18:06.480 --> 0:18:08.600 been confirmed to me. But I feel like the main 0:18:08.640 --> 0:18:10.240 reason why it took me a very long time to 0:18:10.280 --> 0:18:12.040 me his family is because he was still trying to 0:18:12.160 --> 0:18:15.719 exit another situation which he had kept from me. Okay, 0:18:16.000 --> 0:18:17.960 so then that's a red flag right there, and that's 0:18:17.960 --> 0:18:20.199 something to look out for. So definitely tell him you 0:18:20.200 --> 0:18:22.560 want me his family, and if he gives you any pushback, 0:18:22.920 --> 0:18:28.760 you better find out this absolutely. But you know what, also, 0:18:28.920 --> 0:18:33.280 it'll it'll show you this is your future potentially if 0:18:33.320 --> 0:18:36.879 you love this person, this could be where you spend 0:18:36.920 --> 0:18:40.480 your holidays or oh yeah, you know who you're gonna 0:18:40.560 --> 0:18:43.040 vacation with. So you better like these people because if 0:18:43.040 --> 0:18:45.240 you don't, it's gonna be a lifetime and that's gonna 0:18:45.280 --> 0:18:49.280 cause some problem that causes friction. Luckily, my husband has 0:18:49.320 --> 0:18:51.720 a small family. I love his mom, I love his sister, 0:18:52.119 --> 0:18:55.920 and he has two nephews, which are my nephews too. Girl, 0:18:55.920 --> 0:18:58.439 I can't see myself in a family of a You know, 0:18:58.440 --> 0:19:01.000 I watched this ghetto ass show called Love after lock Up? 0:19:02.160 --> 0:19:04.800 Did I see that girl and this one girl shell 0:19:04.840 --> 0:19:06.520 we had trying to have a relationship, and his sisters 0:19:06.600 --> 0:19:08.400 is what we had trying to jump up. I'm like, wait, 0:19:08.520 --> 0:19:10.600 was this about the people who like are in prison? 0:19:10.680 --> 0:19:12.600 And then they wrote to them in prison and they 0:19:12.680 --> 0:19:14.800