WEBVTT - Hot Takes & Heartbreaks: Welcome to Friendship Rehab 0:00:14.000 --> 0:00:17.440 Personally Feldsman. 0:00:18.160 --> 0:00:20.479 Y'all remember that song I Need a Little Help from 0:00:20.520 --> 0:00:24.040 my Friends. Well, that's what this next series is all about. 0:00:24.160 --> 0:00:26.840 This week, we're talking to Sabrina, the friendship Coach. She's 0:00:26.880 --> 0:00:30.880 sharing why friendship heartbreak hurts something bad and why low 0:00:30.920 --> 0:00:34.479 maintenance friendships really aren't a thing. Then next week, my 0:00:34.600 --> 0:00:37.360 best friends from over a decade joined. We recorded the 0:00:37.360 --> 0:00:40.480 episode when they were visiting Nashville on our yearly bestie trip, 0:00:40.600 --> 0:00:43.400 and one of them is my friend who I made 0:00:43.560 --> 0:00:46.320 via a guy we were both dating at the same time, 0:00:47.000 --> 0:00:48.600 which is a story for next week. 0:00:48.680 --> 0:00:58.120 So let's get into this chat with Sabrina. 0:00:58.200 --> 0:01:01.120 We've talked about a lot of friendships on this podcast, 0:01:01.240 --> 0:01:03.960 and I've had many of my friends on, but I 0:01:04.000 --> 0:01:08.600 think where this friendship coach really excels is her blutness 0:01:08.600 --> 0:01:11.240 and honesty for what happens in friendship, and that's why 0:01:11.240 --> 0:01:13.400 I'm bringing her on. Hi Spriena, thanks for joining me. 0:01:14.000 --> 0:01:16.720 Hi, thanks for having me. I'm super excited to be 0:01:16.760 --> 0:01:17.600 on your podcast. 0:01:18.240 --> 0:01:21.440 I love your content so fun to watch because I 0:01:21.440 --> 0:01:24.840 think there's so many different spaces within the friendship world 0:01:25.319 --> 0:01:27.680 when it comes to the coaches, and I really do 0:01:27.800 --> 0:01:31.160 believe where your bread and butter is being brutally honest 0:01:31.560 --> 0:01:33.479 and telling us the things that we need to hear. 0:01:34.600 --> 0:01:37.240 I try not to be brutally honest. 0:01:37.319 --> 0:01:41.600 I try to be as kind as possible with the truth, 0:01:41.720 --> 0:01:45.319 or at least like my opinion of how I see things. 0:01:45.560 --> 0:01:49.120 But yeah, I'm not trying to like hurt anyone's feelings. 0:01:49.160 --> 0:01:52.160 But no, brutally honest is a good thing. We're at 0:01:52.280 --> 0:01:54.880 a time and place right now where sometimes tough love 0:01:54.960 --> 0:01:59.040 is necessary. And I really feel like in the space 0:01:59.120 --> 0:02:02.560 that friendships are right now across the board is we're 0:02:02.560 --> 0:02:04.400 in some desperate need of some tough love. 0:02:05.080 --> 0:02:08.080 I think so too, to be honest, you see, And 0:02:08.160 --> 0:02:09.560 this is what we're talking about. 0:02:09.600 --> 0:02:14.360 And it's interesting because I do have an incredible group 0:02:14.440 --> 0:02:16.760 of friends. I have wonderful friends who have kept up 0:02:17.120 --> 0:02:19.520 and done all the right things, and they've maintained for 0:02:19.600 --> 0:02:23.639 several years, some even decades. But as you get older 0:02:23.880 --> 0:02:28.760 I'm thirty one now, time changes, things happen and life 0:02:28.760 --> 0:02:31.600 gets different, and especially when it comes to friendship. So 0:02:32.080 --> 0:02:35.239 why is that what's happening with friendships as we get older? 0:02:36.200 --> 0:02:42.160 I think it's part of it is intentionality, windles when 0:02:42.200 --> 0:02:46.080 you grow up with your friends, you're in the same environment, 0:02:46.160 --> 0:02:50.200 you're in proximity, whether that's school, whether that's like different 0:02:50.200 --> 0:02:53.760 hobbies or college. What ends up happening as we grow 0:02:53.800 --> 0:02:59.400 older is life happens, marriage, kids work, all of these 0:02:59.480 --> 0:03:05.600 like life moments, and we forget to put intention and 0:03:06.000 --> 0:03:10.079 more effort into keeping up with our friends. We coasted 0:03:10.160 --> 0:03:15.160 as kids just having people there, but we forget that 0:03:15.520 --> 0:03:17.200 we actually need to put in a little bit more 0:03:17.200 --> 0:03:19.400 effort when it comes to our friends. 0:03:20.040 --> 0:03:22.320 And when you say put in more effort, I would 0:03:22.400 --> 0:03:25.280 love to paint this picture of what effort can look 0:03:25.360 --> 0:03:28.720 like in friendships, because something that's a hot topic on 0:03:28.760 --> 0:03:31.919 social media right now is low maintenance friendships. 0:03:32.639 --> 0:03:34.560 Oh no, you hit me her. 0:03:35.800 --> 0:03:38.000 I know. So we'll get into that a little bit further, 0:03:38.040 --> 0:03:40.480 but show me a little bit what effort may look 0:03:40.640 --> 0:03:44.520 like in friendships before we dive into that very spicy topic. 0:03:45.000 --> 0:03:50.960 Yes, I think we confuse effort with constant communication versus 0:03:51.000 --> 0:03:57.080 consistent communication. I think everyone's frequency of communication differs. So 0:03:57.760 --> 0:04:00.560 for me, it could be every two weeks, reach out 0:04:00.600 --> 0:04:04.000 to me, let's chat. For you, it could be every month, 0:04:04.080 --> 0:04:06.880 every two months, three months, whatever it is, And I 0:04:06.920 --> 0:04:09.320 think that these conversations need to be had with our 0:04:09.360 --> 0:04:14.960 friends where we have a consistent frequency of communication. So, 0:04:15.160 --> 0:04:18.159 for example, if me and you were friends and we 0:04:18.360 --> 0:04:22.960 have this consistency of talking every month, then if you 0:04:23.000 --> 0:04:26.080 don't end up reaching out every month, then I start 0:04:26.120 --> 0:04:29.200 to wonder if everything's okay with you, And that's when 0:04:29.200 --> 0:04:31.880 I would reach out and be like, hey, are you okay? 0:04:31.920 --> 0:04:34.479 I haven't heard from you in over a month. But 0:04:34.600 --> 0:04:37.080 what people tend to confuse is that oh, we have 0:04:37.160 --> 0:04:39.440 to put in more effort where it's oh, I have 0:04:39.480 --> 0:04:41.640 to be there for you twenty four to seven, which 0:04:42.240 --> 0:04:43.200 is not the case. 0:04:43.320 --> 0:04:45.479 No one's asking for that. We are all too busy 0:04:45.520 --> 0:04:48.039 for that. We're all too overwhelmed and stressed for that. 0:04:48.720 --> 0:04:52.839 So it's about just having conversations with your friends as 0:04:52.960 --> 0:04:56.080 life grows on, as they have kids or whatever. The 0:04:56.200 --> 0:05:00.920 vibe is, what is a good communication for frequency for you? 0:05:00.960 --> 0:05:02.200 Do you want us to keep up? 0:05:02.480 --> 0:05:04.640 And I know that sounds redundant, but you know what, 0:05:05.240 --> 0:05:08.440 we have to schedule our friends in. It's like those 0:05:08.480 --> 0:05:10.240 text messages that we have with our friends. 0:05:10.240 --> 0:05:11.280 Hey what are you free? 0:05:11.680 --> 0:05:15.200 I'm free in March, I'm free in May, in April. 0:05:15.800 --> 0:05:18.920 But it's the same thing where it's like, hey, what 0:05:19.000 --> 0:05:23.000 kind of frequency do you want? Two weeks once a month? 0:05:23.600 --> 0:05:26.000 What is it that you want for us to keep 0:05:26.040 --> 0:05:30.760 this going? And we tend to not have these conversations unfortunately. 0:05:31.600 --> 0:05:34.120 It's funny. We like to be communicators, but that we 0:05:34.160 --> 0:05:39.000 don't communicate our needs and our desires very common word. 0:05:40.320 --> 0:05:42.880 It is awkward in a way, right because friendships we 0:05:42.960 --> 0:05:46.599 don't see in the same capacity as romantic relationships for 0:05:46.640 --> 0:05:49.960 some reason. But in romantic partnerships you have these conversations 0:05:50.040 --> 0:05:52.640 or you should be of this is what I need, 0:05:52.680 --> 0:05:55.880 These are what will keep me happy in this partnership. 0:05:56.600 --> 0:05:59.960 So why would that be any different in a friendship 0:06:00.080 --> 0:06:02.520 that was once a stranger and who's now not a stranger. 0:06:02.560 --> 0:06:04.359 It's the same kind of thing. You're just having a 0:06:04.360 --> 0:06:05.440 different type of love. 0:06:06.400 --> 0:06:07.080 It's true. 0:06:07.200 --> 0:06:10.320 And I know that is also a hot topic because 0:06:10.360 --> 0:06:13.920 a lot of us talk about it's a platonic relationship. 0:06:14.040 --> 0:06:15.719 It's not as significant as. 0:06:15.560 --> 0:06:16.520 A romantic one. 0:06:17.120 --> 0:06:20.440 But for me, at least from my opinion, whether it's 0:06:20.600 --> 0:06:25.279 romantic or platonic friendship is the basis, Yes, there's more 0:06:25.320 --> 0:06:28.839 when it comes to romantic relationship but I think the 0:06:29.120 --> 0:06:32.320 basis of it is that basic communication that you do 0:06:32.400 --> 0:06:35.080 with your partner, you should also do with your friends 0:06:35.440 --> 0:06:38.919 and whoever else is in your vicinity, Like it's the 0:06:38.960 --> 0:06:42.400 same with coworkers and your boss, Like you have to 0:06:42.440 --> 0:06:47.440 communicate unfortunately, in order to keep that relationship going. 0:06:48.520 --> 0:06:51.480 It's funny one of my newer friends that I've made 0:06:51.520 --> 0:06:54.960 as an adult, I really feel a different type of 0:06:54.960 --> 0:06:58.200 connection to her because we and we've had this conversation 0:06:58.240 --> 0:07:00.080 a few times where we're like, we've never had I 0:07:00.080 --> 0:07:02.280 had a friend who just would look out for us 0:07:02.279 --> 0:07:04.240 in this way or take pictures of us. That was 0:07:04.279 --> 0:07:06.160 one thing that we both noticed is we want to 0:07:06.160 --> 0:07:08.480 take pictures of each other all the time. And we 0:07:08.520 --> 0:07:10.640 always felt like we were in friendships that were super 0:07:10.640 --> 0:07:13.040 one sided in that that we were both performing a 0:07:13.040 --> 0:07:15.880 certain way and the other friend wasn't. And it was 0:07:15.920 --> 0:07:18.640 this kind of realization for both of us, especially at 0:07:18.640 --> 0:07:21.760 this point in our life, where Huh, that shouldn't be 0:07:21.800 --> 0:07:24.680 happening for the first time, but it is. Do you 0:07:24.720 --> 0:07:26.920 see that happen often when you're talking to people as 0:07:26.960 --> 0:07:29.840 they get older and just understanding the things that they 0:07:29.840 --> 0:07:31.320 want out of friendships. 0:07:30.800 --> 0:07:34.200 More, Yes, I'm pretty sure we can all agree that 0:07:34.240 --> 0:07:36.720 the things that we wanted in our younger years is 0:07:36.800 --> 0:07:39.200 not the same things that we want in our adult years. 0:07:39.880 --> 0:07:41.920 And that's the same when it comes to friendships. 0:07:42.520 --> 0:07:44.400 We grow, we want. 0:07:44.320 --> 0:07:49.200 Different types of friends, and it's okay to want different things, 0:07:49.960 --> 0:07:52.640 and we want and hope that our friends grow with 0:07:52.720 --> 0:07:57.840 us at least like that's the goal. But unfortunately, sometimes 0:07:58.520 --> 0:08:02.840 it's looking at it from an outside lens and realizing 0:08:02.920 --> 0:08:05.320 that we're not as compatible as we used to be. 0:08:06.040 --> 0:08:06.800 And that's okay. 0:08:07.600 --> 0:08:10.840 Maybe at this point in time we need to go 0:08:10.920 --> 0:08:14.240 our separate ways. Maybe we'll find each other in the 0:08:14.320 --> 0:08:18.640 later years, but sometimes it can hurt. It's not the 0:08:18.760 --> 0:08:22.160 greatest situation to be in when. 0:08:21.960 --> 0:08:24.640 You mentioned that, And something that really hurts in friendships 0:08:24.720 --> 0:08:28.160 is the friendship breakup that happens. It's super painful, and 0:08:28.200 --> 0:08:30.560 I don't think it gets enough credit for how hard 0:08:30.560 --> 0:08:33.040 it is. There's been friends over the course of my 0:08:33.120 --> 0:08:36.040 life who I've lost, whether they got into relationships or 0:08:36.080 --> 0:08:39.440 marriages and they just stopped being the friend that I 0:08:39.520 --> 0:08:44.920 once had, and naturally, because I wanted a very solid 0:08:44.960 --> 0:08:48.960 friendship that moved away and it didn't happen. Anymore because 0:08:49.520 --> 0:08:54.200 they weren't the person that when we first became friends. 0:08:55.000 --> 0:08:58.560 They couldn't provide that anymore for whatever reason, and it 0:08:58.640 --> 0:09:01.200 was really painful. And there's moments where it's really painful 0:09:01.200 --> 0:09:02.960 and you really miss them and you just want to 0:09:02.960 --> 0:09:05.680 talk to them, but you also have to have this 0:09:05.800 --> 0:09:08.440 level of respect for yourself. So can we dive into 0:09:08.480 --> 0:09:09.439 the friendship breakup? 0:09:10.480 --> 0:09:15.480 Friendship breakups are honestly, in my opinion, more painful than 0:09:15.720 --> 0:09:21.600 any romantic relationship breakup ever, and it's probably because we've 0:09:21.600 --> 0:09:25.160 never been taught how to handle a friendship breakup. Like 0:09:25.280 --> 0:09:28.760 when it comes to romantic relationships, we all know, okay, 0:09:28.840 --> 0:09:31.800 we're going into it. We're seeing if this person's compatible 0:09:31.800 --> 0:09:35.000 with us, we're seeing if they're long term, and we 0:09:35.160 --> 0:09:37.760 know eventually there's going to be a breakup if ever. 0:09:38.520 --> 0:09:40.960 But when it comes to friends, we think to ourselves, 0:09:41.040 --> 0:09:44.080 they're going to be in our life forever until we 0:09:44.120 --> 0:09:50.720 grow old and we're in wheelchairs. But it's it's like 0:09:50.920 --> 0:09:55.400 a difficult place to be when you're going through that 0:09:55.559 --> 0:09:59.920 because sometimes it's just pure growth. Sometimes you just drift 0:10:00.120 --> 0:10:04.880 part because you're in different life life cycles and you're 0:10:04.920 --> 0:10:06.960 going one way there going another way, and there's no 0:10:07.080 --> 0:10:11.720 animosity there. It's just like life happens and we have 0:10:11.760 --> 0:10:14.640 to drift apart and we can't keep holding on for 0:10:14.679 --> 0:10:18.240 dear life when it's not working. Other parts of it 0:10:18.280 --> 0:10:21.160 can be harsh and cruel, where I've heard a lot 0:10:21.160 --> 0:10:24.439 of clients tell me about friends that have done terrible 0:10:24.480 --> 0:10:29.520 things like sleeping with their fiances and just horrible things. 0:10:30.320 --> 0:10:32.680 So that's also like part of it. And I think 0:10:32.800 --> 0:10:37.280 also another portion of it that's become very relevant is 0:10:37.440 --> 0:10:39.880 quiet quitting friendships or ghosting. 0:10:40.840 --> 0:10:41.840 I'm not a fan of it. 0:10:42.520 --> 0:10:45.000 I would only say it's okay to do that if 0:10:45.000 --> 0:10:48.480 you're in danger. If you've attempted to communicate with somebody 0:10:48.520 --> 0:10:51.640 over and over again and they just continue to disrespect you, yeah, 0:10:51.760 --> 0:10:55.440 then cut them off. But I've seen a lot of 0:10:55.440 --> 0:10:59.640 friendships where people see their friends like their toys and 0:11:00.200 --> 0:11:03.360 with them, enjoy them for a good little abount of time, 0:11:03.440 --> 0:11:07.760 and then discard them and ghost and don't say anything, 0:11:08.400 --> 0:11:13.120 and you can feel icky, Wow, this person was all 0:11:13.520 --> 0:11:15.520 excited to be my friend, and now suddenly I don't 0:11:15.559 --> 0:11:16.160 hear from them. 0:11:16.520 --> 0:11:17.560 They throw me away. 0:11:18.280 --> 0:11:22.480 And then sometimes when you confront that, you get the 0:11:22.559 --> 0:11:26.000 narrative of oh, I don't owe you anything, and that 0:11:26.160 --> 0:11:26.840 really sucks. 0:11:27.320 --> 0:11:28.200 That really sucks. 0:11:29.679 --> 0:11:32.920 Yeah, there's so many different painful steps to that friendship breakup. 0:11:32.920 --> 0:11:36.280 To your point, there's just many different levels, and none 0:11:36.320 --> 0:11:38.760 of them get easier, especially even with time. You think, 0:11:38.800 --> 0:11:41.240 as you get older, you just and you learn. I 0:11:41.240 --> 0:11:43.800 don't feel like they've ever gotten easier, even especially as 0:11:43.800 --> 0:11:46.760 an adult. I feel like it's more painful because when 0:11:46.800 --> 0:11:50.800 you watch your circle get smaller, you know that it's 0:11:50.800 --> 0:11:53.840 important because you're getting these quality friendships, but watching it 0:11:53.840 --> 0:11:58.560 get smaller feels like you have to grieve an entire 0:11:58.679 --> 0:11:59.720 life that's ending. 0:12:00.720 --> 0:12:05.880 Yeah, And it's also you second guess yourself too, because 0:12:06.080 --> 0:12:10.480 as you grow up, at least I know, in our 0:12:10.800 --> 0:12:14.680 femininity and with womenhood, our friends. 0:12:14.400 --> 0:12:15.760 Make up a big part of that. 0:12:16.520 --> 0:12:20.200 And when you see your friends trickle away, it kills 0:12:20.240 --> 0:12:24.080 a little bit of your girlhood inside and it makes 0:12:24.120 --> 0:12:26.160 you feel like am I. 0:12:27.720 --> 0:12:29.800 Good enough? Am I worthy? 0:12:30.040 --> 0:12:34.520 All these friends just keep leaving and disappearing? Is there 0:12:34.640 --> 0:12:40.040 something wrong with me? And it's a very difficult place 0:12:40.080 --> 0:12:42.040 to be in when you start to feel that way. 0:12:43.080 --> 0:12:45.680 And I can also speak from an experience of some 0:12:45.920 --> 0:12:48.559 trauma when I was in high school, I was bullied 0:12:48.559 --> 0:12:53.560 by girls who were once my friends, and that experience 0:12:53.600 --> 0:12:57.600 in high school really dictated how friendships looked for me 0:12:57.679 --> 0:13:00.680 for a really long time. So you see some clients 0:13:00.720 --> 0:13:04.680 come in who have trauma like this, and building friendships 0:13:04.720 --> 0:13:10.520 just becomes an increasingly harder situation than just your day 0:13:10.559 --> 0:13:12.120 to day life. 0:13:12.280 --> 0:13:15.480 Oh yes, and I can relate to that very much. 0:13:15.679 --> 0:13:21.760 Having your best friend be your bully not the greatest experience. 0:13:22.480 --> 0:13:27.280 But I think we're also taught in society in the 0:13:27.320 --> 0:13:31.679 shows that we grow up when that having that toxic 0:13:31.760 --> 0:13:34.320 best friend and no matter what they do, you still 0:13:34.360 --> 0:13:35.920 have to be best friends with them at the end. 0:13:36.520 --> 0:13:40.559 Take Gossip Girl for example, it's like Serena and Blair 0:13:40.800 --> 0:13:44.600 are best friends, but they're horrible to each other. They 0:13:44.640 --> 0:13:49.880 do horrible things, sabotage gossip, go behind each other's backs 0:13:49.920 --> 0:13:53.440 and just stab each other like figuratively, of course. 0:13:53.840 --> 0:13:55.600 And then you have mean girls where they push each 0:13:55.640 --> 0:13:57.160 other in front of buses. So there's that. 0:13:57.040 --> 0:14:04.800 Too, allegedly, But we grow up watching this and then 0:14:04.920 --> 0:14:09.560 it's subconsciously drilled into our heads that we have to 0:14:09.559 --> 0:14:13.960 tolerate bad behaviors from our friends and then when we 0:14:14.000 --> 0:14:18.640 grow older, we start to realize, oh, we shouldn't be 0:14:18.720 --> 0:14:22.680 doing that, and it becomes like this thing where we're 0:14:22.720 --> 0:14:25.640 fighting ourselves. We're building standards for ourselves. 0:14:25.640 --> 0:14:26.520 We don't want to. 0:14:26.600 --> 0:14:30.240 Accept bad behavior from people anymore, whether it's romantic or friendship, 0:14:30.880 --> 0:14:34.360 and then we're fighting ourselves because we've been taught to 0:14:34.520 --> 0:14:39.600 accept everyone's flaws and taught to accept all these bad behaviors. 0:14:39.680 --> 0:14:42.800 So where's the line? And that's what I'm trying to 0:14:42.880 --> 0:14:43.360 teach here. 0:14:44.720 --> 0:14:48.880 Yeah, And it is because so much of my relearning 0:14:48.960 --> 0:14:52.440 experience from high school and dealing with these friends who 0:14:52.480 --> 0:14:55.720 I had sleepovers with and we talk to each other 0:14:55.760 --> 0:14:58.360 about everything to one day just slipping on a dime 0:14:58.480 --> 0:15:01.640 and saying horrible things and doing horrible things to me 0:15:01.760 --> 0:15:07.760 that I had to teach myself a new pattern of friendship. 0:15:08.800 --> 0:15:12.680 And as a sixteen year old girl to eighteen to 0:15:12.760 --> 0:15:15.800 then in her early twenties and joining a sorority in college, 0:15:16.520 --> 0:15:21.880 the emotional ways that my brain went through having friends 0:15:22.400 --> 0:15:25.760 was just beyond me. Like I look back at the 0:15:25.800 --> 0:15:27.400 time of my life and I'm like, how did I 0:15:27.440 --> 0:15:30.680 even do that? Because my brain was genuinely trying to 0:15:30.720 --> 0:15:33.760 develop at the same time I was being rejected and 0:15:33.840 --> 0:15:36.680 bullied and then also okay, by the way, you have 0:15:36.720 --> 0:15:39.240 to throw yourself into an completely new city and make 0:15:39.320 --> 0:15:42.240 new friends while trusting that they're actually gonna be kind 0:15:42.240 --> 0:15:43.520 to you and not do the same thing to you. 0:15:43.600 --> 0:15:48.640 Again, true, that's a lot of us are experienced too, 0:15:48.680 --> 0:15:51.080 same thing in college. Same thing. 0:15:51.440 --> 0:15:53.320 It's learning who you are. 0:15:54.040 --> 0:15:56.280 You don't know who you are, you don't know anything 0:15:56.320 --> 0:15:58.400 about yourself, and then on top of that, trying to 0:15:58.440 --> 0:16:03.280 figure out romantically who you like, hoping that that person's 0:16:03.320 --> 0:16:08.120 not toxic. Then trying to figure out friendships, and yeah, 0:16:08.120 --> 0:16:10.440 dealing with friends that are mean to you and bully 0:16:10.520 --> 0:16:13.680 to you, but at the same time trying to find 0:16:13.840 --> 0:16:17.240 good long term friendships. And it's very overwhelming. 0:16:20.160 --> 0:16:23.040 Do you feel like this is why friendship gets the 0:16:23.080 --> 0:16:26.479 low on the totem pole, because life is so overwhelming, 0:16:27.040 --> 0:16:29.440 and then friendship you just pushed to the side because 0:16:29.440 --> 0:16:32.040 it's the easy thing that you can always go after 0:16:32.160 --> 0:16:34.440 at another time, and it just keeps getting knocked down 0:16:34.480 --> 0:16:38.680 a few pegs because of this process of us being 0:16:38.720 --> 0:16:40.200 so overwhelmed with life. 0:16:41.600 --> 0:16:44.160 I think yes and no, But I also think that 0:16:44.200 --> 0:16:48.520 we've been conditioned to prioritize other things in our life. 0:16:48.640 --> 0:16:52.520 And we've also been conditioned that boys may come and go, 0:16:52.640 --> 0:16:53.560 but friends are forever. 0:16:53.760 --> 0:16:56.320 So you sit there waiting for your. 0:16:56.160 --> 0:16:59.320 Friend to come back around, and it's just a waiting game, 0:16:59.600 --> 0:17:03.600 and you start to tolerate behaviors that you would not 0:17:03.880 --> 0:17:09.720 accept anywhere else. So, yeah, when things are convenient, people 0:17:09.720 --> 0:17:11.919 put it in the back burner. They forget about it 0:17:11.960 --> 0:17:14.240 because you'll always be there at the end of the day. 0:17:15.240 --> 0:17:17.639 And this now leads me into the hot topic of 0:17:17.680 --> 0:17:22.840 low maintenance friendships. So give me your hot take. Low 0:17:22.880 --> 0:17:25.560 maintenance friendships. We're seeing all over the internet people are 0:17:25.600 --> 0:17:27.920 creating all kinds of reels about how they love their 0:17:27.960 --> 0:17:29.000 low maintenance friends. 0:17:29.840 --> 0:17:30.959 Oh my goodness. 0:17:31.160 --> 0:17:33.840 So a lot of the clients that I've had also 0:17:34.280 --> 0:17:37.120 different people on TikTok that I've talked to about low 0:17:37.160 --> 0:17:40.440 maintenance friendships. When I ask them, what is a low 0:17:40.440 --> 0:17:44.080 maintenance friendship to you, everything they bring back to me 0:17:44.920 --> 0:17:50.520 is things that I would consider a normal friendship. And 0:17:50.720 --> 0:17:55.560 all you're doing is maintaining that friendship. You. In order 0:17:55.640 --> 0:17:58.320 to gain a friendship, you need to have a base, 0:17:58.359 --> 0:18:02.200 a foundation where you meet that person, you hang out 0:18:02.240 --> 0:18:04.800 for quite a while. You build, start to get to 0:18:04.800 --> 0:18:06.960 know them, you start to love them, they love you. You 0:18:06.920 --> 0:18:09.360 hang out a lot, a lot of secrets are spilled, 0:18:10.119 --> 0:18:14.240 live life with each other, and then time moves on 0:18:15.080 --> 0:18:18.879 and things change, and of course you can't be communicating 0:18:19.119 --> 0:18:21.560 all the time. No one's asking for twenty four to seven. 0:18:21.600 --> 0:18:25.680 But you still keep up with your friends, even if it's. 0:18:25.680 --> 0:18:28.040 Once a month. You're like, hey, how's it going. 0:18:28.119 --> 0:18:30.240 Let me text you, let me tell you about my day, 0:18:30.320 --> 0:18:31.919 let me tell you the news. 0:18:32.960 --> 0:18:34.600 And people are. 0:18:34.480 --> 0:18:39.520 Referring to that as low maintenance friendships, when I'm like, no, 0:18:39.880 --> 0:18:43.040 that's just maintaining the friendship. 0:18:42.680 --> 0:18:46.000 As you should. That's just a friendship period. 0:18:46.880 --> 0:18:52.000 Like this whole narrative of low and high friendships is, 0:18:52.560 --> 0:18:57.280 it's confusing, and it's confusing people, and it's also allowing 0:18:57.320 --> 0:19:01.240 a lot of manipulative people come in and take advantage 0:19:01.280 --> 0:19:05.040 of those terms where they come in and say, oh, 0:19:05.119 --> 0:19:07.920 I want a low maintenance friendship so that they don't 0:19:07.920 --> 0:19:10.840 have to put in work. It's a friendship on their terms. 0:19:11.440 --> 0:19:13.439 It's I show up whenever I need to show up, 0:19:13.440 --> 0:19:16.720 whenever it's convenient for me. And you can't say anything 0:19:17.240 --> 0:19:21.760 because if you do, I'm going to call you high maintenance, and. 0:19:21.720 --> 0:19:22.800 It's a power struggle. 0:19:22.840 --> 0:19:28.800 I don't think friendship should be leveled at low or high. 0:19:28.880 --> 0:19:31.520 It just should be equal. It's a balancing game. 0:19:31.920 --> 0:19:35.240 And if you're low and the other one's high, then 0:19:35.320 --> 0:19:39.439 there's a power struggle and you're probably not compatible and 0:19:39.480 --> 0:19:43.720 you probably shouldn't be friends. So there's no such thing 0:19:44.080 --> 0:19:46.800 as a low maintenance friendship. It's just a friendship that 0:19:46.840 --> 0:19:50.560 you are maintaining at a pace that you are comfortable with, 0:19:50.760 --> 0:19:53.160 that you and your friend have agreed upon. 0:19:54.320 --> 0:19:55.280 And that's all it is. 0:19:55.880 --> 0:19:58.080 And the rest of it is just a way to 0:19:58.200 --> 0:20:03.560 avoid emotional responsible ability, avoid accountability, and to shift the 0:20:03.560 --> 0:20:07.440 blame on somebody else that's actually asking for consistency. 0:20:08.960 --> 0:20:09.400 That's all. 0:20:10.320 --> 0:20:12.840 That's a mic draft hot take, and I love it 0:20:12.920 --> 0:20:15.600 because I agree when you sit here and explain it 0:20:15.600 --> 0:20:19.160 that way. I agree. Because you think of a relationship, 0:20:19.520 --> 0:20:22.359 and as you stay with a person, you get more 0:20:22.400 --> 0:20:25.840 comfortable with them, and life becomes easy and communication becomes 0:20:25.880 --> 0:20:27.959 easy because you're used to this life with this person. 0:20:28.400 --> 0:20:31.399 The same thing is happening in friendships. But we're not 0:20:31.440 --> 0:20:38.720 calling relationships low maintenance relationships. No, no, But here we 0:20:38.760 --> 0:20:40.080 are doing it to friendships. 0:20:40.960 --> 0:20:46.480 It's because I guess it gots skewed somewhere where it's Oh, 0:20:46.560 --> 0:20:50.800 I don't have to constantly be on top of my friend. 0:20:50.760 --> 0:20:54.239 Which I think is good. That's healthy. Like you're not 0:20:54.280 --> 0:20:55.800 supposed to be on top. 0:20:55.600 --> 0:20:58.199 Of your friend being like, hey, when are you texting 0:20:58.240 --> 0:20:58.600 me back? 0:20:58.720 --> 0:20:59.880 Why haven't you answered? 0:21:01.240 --> 0:21:02.879 I think we have bigger problems there. 0:21:03.280 --> 0:21:06.639 Yes, And if you have to do that, maybe you 0:21:06.680 --> 0:21:10.399 need to revisit whether this friendship dynamic is good for 0:21:10.480 --> 0:21:14.639 you or not, because if they're ignoring you, maybe we 0:21:14.640 --> 0:21:15.640 shouldn't be friends. 0:21:15.920 --> 0:21:20.520 That's all. But people that are friends, you don't have 0:21:20.600 --> 0:21:21.720 to talk every day. 0:21:21.880 --> 0:21:24.640 You just have to be consistently there for each other, 0:21:25.359 --> 0:21:29.600 no matter how that looks. For your relationship, that's between 0:21:29.640 --> 0:21:30.719 you and that friend. 0:21:31.080 --> 0:21:31.680 And that's it. 0:21:32.840 --> 0:21:35.040 And here we're gonna continue some hot takes. I'm gonna 0:21:35.080 --> 0:21:36.399 tell you a few thoughts that I have, and I 0:21:36.440 --> 0:21:39.879 want to know your opinion. Okay, if you are in 0:21:39.920 --> 0:21:43.080 a relationship, you should always make time with your friends 0:21:43.320 --> 0:21:46.280 outside of that relationship. Even if you hang out with 0:21:46.320 --> 0:21:48.480 that partner and your friend, you should also make time 0:21:48.520 --> 0:21:49.920 for solo time with your friend. 0:21:50.400 --> 0:21:50.760 Amen. 0:21:51.680 --> 0:21:55.880 Okay, thank you preach. I feel like this is so 0:21:55.920 --> 0:21:58.080 important that I don't understand why I have to keep 0:21:58.320 --> 0:22:01.399 saying this. But you can have a life outside of 0:22:01.440 --> 0:22:02.880 your partner with your friends. 0:22:03.280 --> 0:22:06.560 You should have a life outside your partner with your friend, 0:22:06.640 --> 0:22:10.760 and if you do not, then we need to talk 0:22:10.800 --> 0:22:15.040 about that some way, somehow, because if you're already your 0:22:15.280 --> 0:22:19.159 independent self before a man comes in or whoever your 0:22:19.200 --> 0:22:25.119 preference is, you cannot just completely neglect your individual self 0:22:25.200 --> 0:22:27.880 and everything that makes you you, including your friends. 0:22:28.720 --> 0:22:30.320 Once the romantic. 0:22:29.880 --> 0:22:35.280 Box has been checked, this person cannot be your entirety. 0:22:36.160 --> 0:22:42.240 And I think that kind of happens way too much, 0:22:42.320 --> 0:22:46.520 where we're striving so much to get married, to find 0:22:46.520 --> 0:22:48.360 the one, and then once we do. 0:22:48.880 --> 0:22:50.479