Speaker 1: This episode is intended for mature audience as it contains
Speaker 1: adult language. I really really enjoy sex. Can we talk
Speaker 1: about your G spot? Gammy? What you want to talk
Speaker 1: about my G spot? What about it? Have you found it?
Speaker 1: You know what she used? I just found her recently
Speaker 1: and I don't want this to end up with me
Speaker 1: on the couch. Okay, what's up everybody? I'm Gammy and
Speaker 1: this is positively gam Every week I have raw, in
Speaker 1: depth conversation with inspirational people pushing for change on everything
Speaker 1: from relationships, aging, politics, wellness, to the current issues facing
Speaker 1: the black community. But in this episode, we're going to
Speaker 1: be talking about sex. After fifty Yes. Joining me is
Speaker 1: Dr Tiffany Davis Henry, one of the most sought after
Speaker 1: license sex and relationship experts. She even has her own
Speaker 1: private practice in Atlanta called Intimate Details, and those are
Speaker 1: exactly the kind of details we all really want to know.
Speaker 1: So Dr Tiffany tell me more about Intimate Details And
Speaker 1: why did you land on that particular name. That's such
Speaker 1: a good question, Gabby. So like when I started thinking
Speaker 1: about the type of work that I knew I wanted
Speaker 1: to do within my psychotherapy practice, like I wanted a
Speaker 1: name that really resonated with the work, but also kind
Speaker 1: of clude people in that it's what we're gonna be
Speaker 1: talking about is intimate, but it is within those details
Speaker 1: that the work and the healing and the transformation actually happens. Now,
Speaker 1: I've found that the women appreciate that name. The men
Speaker 1: are like, oh no, that means she'd get ready to
Speaker 1: getting my business. I don't think I want to go.
Speaker 1: It's kind of a double edge sword. Some people love
Speaker 1: it and then some people are very very skeptical. But
Speaker 1: you know, it is the intimate details that I'm after,
Speaker 1: and I can't really help with those, you know, whether
Speaker 1: it's mental health challenges or actual challenge without getting to
Speaker 1: those intimate details. So that's why I think, do you
Speaker 1: find that your practice is more individuals or does it
Speaker 1: end up being more couples. It's I would say it's
Speaker 1: a good mix of both, and it's also a really
Speaker 1: good mix of a very I just have a very
Speaker 1: diverse clientele. So I see lots of women, lots of
Speaker 1: straight couples, lots of gay couples, lots of I see
Speaker 1: a lot of trans women. I've seen um just couples
Speaker 1: that are older and I see couples that are just
Speaker 1: starting out and younger, so it's it's a wide range
Speaker 1: of people. There's no set demographic. I will say though,
Speaker 1: that one thing that I found early on, especially with
Speaker 1: married heterosexual couples, I would get a lot of calls
Speaker 1: from men calling for me to see their wives. Really,
Speaker 1: the conversation would go something like this, like, you know,
Speaker 1: my wife has had been problems. She's just she just
Speaker 1: doesn't want to have sex anymore. Her libido is low,
Speaker 1: or she's having lists of a sex desire and I
Speaker 1: really don't know what's wrong. So can she make an
Speaker 1: appointment with you? Yeah? And I said, well, you know what,
Speaker 1: she can, but it would be really helpful if you
Speaker 1: would come to like, I think I know what the problem,
Speaker 1: and the problem is on the other end of this phone.
Speaker 1: Can you believe that some man is calling me to
Speaker 1: fix his wife. They're analyze the problem gay, that's the problem.
Speaker 1: I can relate to that absolutely. I can relate to
Speaker 1: feeling like the problem is all mine. Yeah, I'm not
Speaker 1: taking that rap anymore. That's the devil's work exactly. I
Speaker 1: think things absolutely change as we age. Sex in your
Speaker 1: twenties is different from sex in your thirties, and it's different,
Speaker 1: it's sex in your forties. It evolves over time. We
Speaker 1: evolve over time, and if you think about it, it should.
Speaker 1: I'm not the same person that I was ten twenty
Speaker 1: years ago, so why I think the same things, feel
Speaker 1: the same things, be the same person in the bedroom.
Speaker 1: Different experiences, different relationships, different abilities. So it definitely changes
Speaker 1: as you get older, but it doesn't have to dissipate
Speaker 1: or you know, just go away. A lot of times
Speaker 1: I think that people feel like, you know, as I'm
Speaker 1: getting older, we'll only have so many more years to
Speaker 1: have sex and then that's over with. And that's not
Speaker 1: the case at all. And I want to just say
Speaker 1: to that. I know. I'm hoping that there are young
Speaker 1: women that are are listening to this as well, because hopefully,
Speaker 1: if they're lucky, you know, they're not having this challenge now,
Speaker 1: but they will. And I know that for me, things
Speaker 1: have only gotten better. Good say for me, say that
Speaker 1: you know me perfectly. I I really really enjoy sex.
Speaker 1: Yeah it look good. You don't have to give about it.
Speaker 1: It's like say it with your chick, and I guess
Speaker 1: it's just come from experience and just being open minded,
Speaker 1: because I must say that based on what my mother
Speaker 1: told me about sex, I can certainly understand why I
Speaker 1: had issues for so many years. Yeah, and what was
Speaker 1: the messaging though, What was the messaging your shame and guilt.
Speaker 1: It was just a lot of shame and get which
Speaker 1: is so interesting because my mother was very and I
Speaker 1: don't want this to end up with me on the couch. Okay, listen,
Speaker 1: give me. You're not paying me. You're not paying me,
Speaker 1: so this is just girlfriends. If you were paying me,
Speaker 1: then we'd have a whole another conversation. So we're just
Speaker 1: we're just talking, that's all. It was. Just it was
Speaker 1: just really I mean, I don't know if it was
Speaker 1: like the time, you know, back in the day, but
Speaker 1: it was just a lot of shame and guilt around sex,
Speaker 1: like don't let a boy put his tongue in your mouth,
Speaker 1: and you know, just making it everything kind of dirty
Speaker 1: and shameful. Just the opposite with my daughter with Jada, yeah,
Speaker 1: you know, and never even shared with me that she
Speaker 1: was having these conversations with Dada. So I'm glad she did. Yeah,
Speaker 1: because she did a good job. Shada was quite comfortable
Speaker 1: with her sexuality and that wasn't because of me, because
Speaker 1: I shared with Jada what my mother shared with me
Speaker 1: and what my experiences were. Isn't that just like a
Speaker 1: grandmother though, to go behind your back and does that.
Speaker 1: She never said a word. I had no idea until
Speaker 1: Jada was like an adult and shared it with me.
Speaker 1: And it's funny because I think the message when when
Speaker 1: we were younger was it centered around a lot of around,
Speaker 1: especially for girls growing up, not getting pregnant like that
Speaker 1: was the number one thing. Don't shame to the family,
Speaker 1: don't get exactly exactly that's what That's what I felt like.
Speaker 1: I felt like she was trying to scare us, you know,
Speaker 1: out of not you know, getting pregnant, and obviously it
Speaker 1: didn't work because you know what, I was seventeen. So
Speaker 1: getting back to sex after fifty, what kind of changes
Speaker 1: do you think that we can expect, you know, as
Speaker 1: our bodies get older. Yeah, so sexual functioning in and
Speaker 1: of itself, So you're looking at things like desigre or libido,
Speaker 1: which we've kind of hinted at. You're looking at arousal
Speaker 1: and the physiology of your body kind of getting itself
Speaker 1: ready for sex, intercourse and orgasm and that excitement and
Speaker 1: orgasmic phase as well. So there are so many things
Speaker 1: that can change. But I think the biggest indicator, or
Speaker 1: one of biggest indicators of what's going to cause a
Speaker 1: change in your sexual functioning is going to be hormones.
Speaker 1: That's one of the biggest ones. Also, you know, as
Speaker 1: you're getting older, you have relationship changes. So as people
Speaker 1: get older, they may be getting divorced, so you don't
Speaker 1: necessary in back in dating pools and things like that,
Speaker 1: so you have a different different set of circumstances than
Speaker 1: maybe you did twenty years ago when you got married.
Speaker 1: I find that individuals that are older getting older over fifty,
Speaker 1: it's a whole new world for them, just navigating how
Speaker 1: to date at this point and when to have sex
Speaker 1: and what the norms really are. One of the fastest
Speaker 1: growing populations of people with sexually transmitted infections the most increased,
Speaker 1: right or with older adults, they're not wearing condoms. Part
Speaker 1: of that is, especially with men, there tends to be
Speaker 1: some sensitivity issues. So so think about think about it
Speaker 1: this way. I'm on a medication that lowers my blood pressure, right,
Speaker 1: let's just say that, and erection is blood flow going
Speaker 1: to the penis. So now I'm having a reptile issues.
Speaker 1: And one of the things that helps me gain an
Speaker 1: erection is sensation and feeling. So whether that's through oral
Speaker 1: sex or through male manipulation or masturbation or whatever, that's
Speaker 1: what helps me get hard. Right, So now I have
Speaker 1: to put on a condom, which condoms are designed basically
Speaker 1: to desensitize and help you to last a little bit
Speaker 1: longer as well as to protect you from s t
Speaker 1: I S. So putting on a condom for a lot
Speaker 1: of men, as they get older, especially if they already
Speaker 1: have some rectile dysfunction, they don't want to do it.
Speaker 1: And that's why because it decreases their sensitivity. And then
Speaker 1: as people get older, um too, and as a woman,
Speaker 1: like let's say these are to a man and a woman,
Speaker 1: UM having sex. I may have a lot of vaginal
Speaker 1: dryness and one the few things that I want is
Speaker 1: this latex material rubbing against the vaginal laws when I'm
Speaker 1: already having a problem with lubrication. But our condoms lubricated,
Speaker 1: some of them are, and it depends on what they're
Speaker 1: lubricated with. So some people are allergic to latex. Some
Speaker 1: people are allergic to certain lubricants so or have sensitivities
Speaker 1: to those things. So it's really important that you know
Speaker 1: what it is you're putting on and in your body.
Speaker 1: So sometimes those some people have irritations just to the
Speaker 1: lubricant that's on the condom. So it's it's there are
Speaker 1: lots of ways that we can like some add ins
Speaker 1: and some additions and things that will help out with that.
Speaker 1: But also, you know, its sensitivity is an issue with
Speaker 1: you know, prolonging intercourse, staying hard, thunger and all of that.
Speaker 1: You're gonna want a lou that's got more staying power
Speaker 1: to that's not gonna dry out in the middle of sex,
Speaker 1: because then it's not fun anymore. Right, We'll talk to
Speaker 1: me a little bit before we get into lubrication. Talk
Speaker 1: to me a little bit about the female vagina, because
Speaker 1: it's more than just dryness. It's also the thinning of
Speaker 1: the lining of the vagina. Correct, yes, yes, Because I
Speaker 1: think people need to really understand what's going on with
Speaker 1: their bodies, right, um, and I'm not sure that everybody
Speaker 1: is really clear. So one of the things that happens
Speaker 1: as we age is we tend to have a decrease
Speaker 1: in the amount of estrogen. Right, women do. And estrogen
Speaker 1: plays a huge role in our sexual health and our
Speaker 1: I guess really even the way that we feel about
Speaker 1: our sexuality. So estrogen, with low levels of estrogen, it's
Speaker 1: going to decrease your sex drive or decrease your sexual desire,
Speaker 1: your your motivation to be sexual. It increases vaginal dryness,
Speaker 1: and with vaginal dryness comes painful intercourse. So what tends
Speaker 1: to happen that lining in the vagina tends to get
Speaker 1: a little bit, it tends to get thinner. You also
Speaker 1: have some elasticity issues. But estrogen is huge. Hormone replacement
Speaker 1: therapies and things like that that replaced those estrogens is huge,
Speaker 1: and it makes a big, big improvement on people's ability
Speaker 1: to feel more sexual and want to have more sex.
Speaker 1: When sex is painful, you don't want to have it
Speaker 1: any exactly exactly. So even if your desire works fine,
Speaker 1: but if the sex is painful, then your desire is
Speaker 1: working fine because you don't want to have sex when
Speaker 1: it's painful. You shouldn't want to have sex when it's painful.
Speaker 1: So let's talk about you talked a little bit about men.
Speaker 1: Is there anything else that we need to know about
Speaker 1: men as far as the changes that their bodies go through.
Speaker 1: So a lot of I think one of the biggest thing,
Speaker 1: and we did hints on the erectal issues. So for
Speaker 1: men when I see them in my practice, Laura, their
Speaker 1: concerns are about premature yea reculation or erectile dysfunction. Premature
Speaker 1: ejaculation meaning basically I'm ejaculating before I would like to,
Speaker 1: and the erectile dysfunction I'm not able to obtain or
Speaker 1: maintain an erection for the length of time that i'd
Speaker 1: like or the hardness that I would like. Yeah, and
Speaker 1: a lot of their issues maybe from medications that they're on.
Speaker 1: Correct when it has to medication, if it has to
Speaker 1: do with yeah, definitely with erection, it usually is a
Speaker 1: blood flow thing, so we're talking about blood pressure. We're
Speaker 1: also talking about diabetes as well. So with that effect
Speaker 1: their libido as well. It well. So libido is a
Speaker 1: funny thing because it's tied to so many things. If
Speaker 1: your performance isn't what you wanted to be, then it's
Speaker 1: not gonna make you want to have sex as much.
Speaker 1: So libido sexual desire is one's motivation to be sexual.
Speaker 1: So I am feeling, like, you know, I'm not performing
Speaker 1: at my best. I can't stay hard for longer than
Speaker 1: thirty seconds. I don't want to have sex anymore because
Speaker 1: it's not fun. It's almost like the person um that
Speaker 1: says I've never had an orgasm, I don't want to
Speaker 1: have sex. So there's no payoff at the end. Their
Speaker 1: goal is either to last a certain amount of time
Speaker 1: or to climax or to have their partner climax, and
Speaker 1: if they can't do those things, it makes them less
Speaker 1: motivated to have sex. So it does impact the libido
Speaker 1: in a way, in a roundabout way. Yeah, So I
Speaker 1: feel like a lot of this is really is psychological.
Speaker 1: To then, when someone walks in my office and says
Speaker 1: they have some sort of sexual issue, whether it's orgasm
Speaker 1: or sexual desire or um just being aroused, I'm looking
Speaker 1: at three things. I'm looking at the biological, psychological, coal
Speaker 1: and social issues. So biological being hormones or medications or
Speaker 1: illness that they've had and things like that that would
Speaker 1: impede the physiology of whatever is impacting them. Then I'm
Speaker 1: looking at the psychological stuff. So are they depressed, are
Speaker 1: they fatigued? How are they sleeping, are they super anxious?
Speaker 1: Do they have difficulty with concentration or control? All the
Speaker 1: psychological things that I would look at on a normal person,
Speaker 1: and then kind of figuring out where those dots connect
Speaker 1: for them sexually. And so if you are partnered with
Speaker 1: someone that you do not like or the sex isn't
Speaker 1: what you would like it to be. Yeah, I always say,
Speaker 1: you're like your vagina talks to you. It really does,
Speaker 1: and it will shut down on you so fast if
Speaker 1: you're so Sometimes that dryness is not about there being
Speaker 1: some sort of hormonal issue. But also, and I'm sure
Speaker 1: you have girlfriends that have experiences, people stay together way
Speaker 1: past expiration to that's something that you know, when I
Speaker 1: see couples like that, I want to know what it,
Speaker 1: what that thing is when things turned off, and what
Speaker 1: it is we can do to kind of fix that
Speaker 1: if they want to. Now, there are some couples who
Speaker 1: could care less about exactly. That's That's the other thing
Speaker 1: that I wanted to say, Like, some people are okay
Speaker 1: with it. Yeah, you know they're they're they're totally fine
Speaker 1: with it. So has there ever been not in this
Speaker 1: current relationship, right, but in previous relationships. Has there ever
Speaker 1: been a time where maybe you didn't feel like having
Speaker 1: sex or your partner didn't and that became like an issue,
Speaker 1: a real issue in your relationship. Yes, yeah, absolutely. It
Speaker 1: was an issue to the point where my husband at
Speaker 1: the time wanted us to go to a sex therapist.
Speaker 1: Did you go? I did not, But we were in
Speaker 1: therapy already, so I did not go to a sex therapist.
Speaker 1: But you know, I was able to have conversation about
Speaker 1: it and just release some some of that guilt and
Speaker 1: shame that I had on but and what he said
Speaker 1: to me was, don't you want to feel good? Mm hmm.
Speaker 1: And I had to really think about that. I had
Speaker 1: to really think about that, like, because once I was
Speaker 1: actually engaged, I did, absolutely, yes, but it was just
Speaker 1: getting there. Oh oh, so you're saying like I didn't
Speaker 1: necessarily have the desire before sex started, but once sex
Speaker 1: got going, then it was great. The sexual desire was
Speaker 1: the part that you were looking right, and so you
Speaker 1: feel like it was that part of you that had
Speaker 1: been told like sex is bad, you shouldn't enjoy sex.
Speaker 1: You just or what was it? I think it was
Speaker 1: a little bit of that. I think as as time
Speaker 1: went on, it turned out to be the relationship itself,
Speaker 1: and a lot of what you were saying before you
Speaker 1: if you're not happy in the relationship, then yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: you're kind of forcing yourself to do something that like
Speaker 1: you really not that in we're standing doing. And granted
Speaker 1: people can have great sex and not like the person,
Speaker 1: but it doesn't necessarily make you desire it. It's just
Speaker 1: like I do it because you know, it's a stick
Speaker 1: I need. And then as time went on and I
Speaker 1: was having the physic physiological symptoms, I felt like I
Speaker 1: was being made to feel like it was I needed
Speaker 1: to figure it out. Instead we need to figure it out.
Speaker 1: And so that's why that example resonated with you. I
Speaker 1: think that I gave at the beginning because what typically happens,
Speaker 1: especially with men, they feel like the person with the
Speaker 1: low desire is the person that's the problem. Yeah, problem. Yeah,
Speaker 1: So we're gonna send hert to therapy or hymn to therapy.
Speaker 1: I'll sit home and wait on her to get fixed
Speaker 1: and then we can go ahead. And so, and that's
Speaker 1: not the way that I work as a sex therapist,
Speaker 1: and most sex therapists won't work that way because what
Speaker 1: we know is that there are two people in this
Speaker 1: relationship and there is often something that that other person
Speaker 1: is doing or not doing that it's causing the sexual
Speaker 1: desire to be low. And so whenever I would get
Speaker 1: those calls, and it's just like, well, can you just
Speaker 1: see this person and fix them and send them back
Speaker 1: to me? Now? I need to see you too, sir. Yeah.
Speaker 1: It could be that you have talked down to her
Speaker 1: for so many years and she's just sick of it
Speaker 1: and she doesn't like you anymore, and your behavior she
Speaker 1: I can't make her want to have sex with you. Actually,
Speaker 1: her vagina is working just fine. She should not want
Speaker 1: to have sex with you because of how you're acting.
Speaker 1: And so sometimes people need to hear that and see
Speaker 1: that that it's not just because they are the identified
Speaker 1: patient the one with the issue, does not mean they
Speaker 1: are the one with the problem. Got it, Yeah, got
Speaker 1: it all right? So let's move on to toys and loops,
Speaker 1: because I feel like some of these toys are very complicated. Now,
Speaker 1: for one, have never been someone who is really interested
Speaker 1: in using toys. I just really didn't get it. And
Speaker 1: my girl, I can remember my girlfriends we were talking
Speaker 1: about it and it was several of them at the
Speaker 1: same time that said you don't use toys, and I
Speaker 1: was like, no, when you got a man and know
Speaker 1: what he's doing, you know that. Well that's true. But
Speaker 1: it turns out that my husband was the one who
Speaker 1: bought me my first toy. Awesome. I thought that was interesting.
Speaker 1: So it's it's fine, but it's it's a very basic toy.
Speaker 1: And sometimes I look at these things that they just
Speaker 1: look like contraptions. I'm like, what are you supposed to say?
Speaker 1: Don't come with directions? Like I almost feel like I
Speaker 1: need a video, like, you know, you can show me
Speaker 1: what what I'm supposed to do with this. Most of
Speaker 1: the toys you have videos that go with them if
Speaker 1: you go to the actual distributors website, but some of
Speaker 1: the other videos might be a little too pornographic. So
Speaker 1: toys and loops. So one of the I think one
Speaker 1: of the greatest gifts, especially as we age for women
Speaker 1: and for men, one of the greatest gifts is lubricants, Yes,
Speaker 1: and which are the best because for me, in my experience,
Speaker 1: it has been a real struggle seriously, because I'm helping
Speaker 1: about gotting on too much and that we're just slipping
Speaker 1: and sliding all over the place, or it's not enough,
Speaker 1: you know, So it certainly does. It does depend on
Speaker 1: what it is that you're doing and what it is
Speaker 1: that you're needing at the time. So one of the
Speaker 1: best brand, the brand that I really love and I
Speaker 1: always will recommend to people is called Liquid s l
Speaker 1: I q u I D And they make natural and
Speaker 1: organic loops, and that is why I like them because
Speaker 1: all of their things, they're usually glittering free, have been
Speaker 1: free and just very very easy on the skin, the
Speaker 1: least amount of skin irritations. And they come in a
Speaker 1: lot of different variations. I have one here this is
Speaker 1: Liquid oceanics Um. This particular one is botanical infused and
Speaker 1: so it has like karagean nori and wacami. But lubricant
Speaker 1: is just so it's one of those things where people
Speaker 1: just want to be a hero and don't want to
Speaker 1: use it, and you know you need to if your
Speaker 1: body isn't doing what it normally would do, especially as
Speaker 1: we're aging, have the loop by the bed. There is
Speaker 1: no s in that. Younger people, you know, your bodies
Speaker 1: don't always work your vagina and always doing what you
Speaker 1: wanted to do at the time that you wanted to
Speaker 1: do it. So in terms of the types of loop though,
Speaker 1: there are basically three main types. There's water based, there's
Speaker 1: silicone based, and then there's a hybrid, meaning there's a
Speaker 1: mixture of the two. Water based loops are really great,
Speaker 1: obviously their water based silicone loops tend to be a
Speaker 1: lot thicker or a little bit thicker because they're not
Speaker 1: water based. The great thing about silicone based loops is
Speaker 1: they have more staying power. So we're looking for something,
Speaker 1: let's say, for anal sex, I would not recommend a
Speaker 1: water based loop because it's going to dry out quicker.
Speaker 1: And we know that the anus does not self lubricate
Speaker 1: like the vagina dust. So you want something that's actually
Speaker 1: gonna stay there and be there for a minute. But
Speaker 1: because of that thickness, a lot of people don't like
Speaker 1: it for vaginal sex sometimes. But what with water based loops,
Speaker 1: so even though they're great, they will dry out quicker,
Speaker 1: so you might find if you need to reapply it.
Speaker 1: So it is about and so hybrids are really good
Speaker 1: because it's kind of the gift of both either a
Speaker 1: little bit thicker, but they're not as watery. Now let
Speaker 1: me tell you what I used to. I have like
Speaker 1: these little vaginal and suppositories that once again my good
Speaker 1: good friends shared with me that they were great and
Speaker 1: it's nothing but cocoa butter, it's an estriol in it,
Speaker 1: vitamin e and bees wax. We had these little, tiny
Speaker 1: little suppositories that I that I use and the and
Speaker 1: they work really really well. Now I still feel like
Speaker 1: I tend to need a little lubricant for actual intercourse.
Speaker 1: There are some women and you probably will have some
Speaker 1: listeners that can attest to this. We're just walking around
Speaker 1: during the day at the grocery store. They're having like
Speaker 1: this feeling of chafing or just vaginal dryness just from
Speaker 1: walking around. And so those suppositories are really great. And
Speaker 1: you were talking about you were talking about anal sex,
Speaker 1: which which I would like to just touch on a
Speaker 1: little bit because in another conversation woman was saying that
Speaker 1: vaginal penetration as she got older was so painful for
Speaker 1: her that she just could not tolerate it. She chose
Speaker 1: anal sex interesting, and I thought that was, like, that's insane.
Speaker 1: I had a very brief attempt at that as a
Speaker 1: young woman, and I was like, absolutely stop that right
Speaker 1: now don't stop stop, So anal sex doesn't have to
Speaker 1: be bad. One of the things that helps immensely is lube,
Speaker 1: So that is that's step number one, and then the
Speaker 1: right type of lube is step number two. The other
Speaker 1: thing that really helps is the person that is receiving
Speaker 1: has to be in control, and that's where people make
Speaker 1: the mistake. The person that is penetrating usually tries to
Speaker 1: be in control, but because the anus does not lubricate,
Speaker 1: and because it has so many nerve endings there, it
Speaker 1: is prone to tearing. And the thin the skin is
Speaker 1: so thin in the anus, it is very very much
Speaker 1: prone to tearing. So the person that's penetrating would never
Speaker 1: have an idea about it being painful. The person on
Speaker 1: the receiving end would. So that's the person that kind
Speaker 1: of needs to start with movements and making sure that
Speaker 1: it goes at a pace that they needed. And a
Speaker 1: lot of people, once they switch who's in control and
Speaker 1: have the right loop and pacing is worked out, they
Speaker 1: have a better experience. But it's not something I usually
Speaker 1: tell people to start with the smallest thing that they had,
Speaker 1: Like start with a finger before you go with the penis,
Speaker 1: and that and that's a good thing, because she never
Speaker 1: did clarify. Yeah, anal simulation is it's one of those
Speaker 1: things like I have, I have a toy here somewhere, um,
Speaker 1: and I put it out because I didn't know he
Speaker 1: was gonna talk about anal sex game. Well I know that.
Speaker 1: And my husband tells me that, like, listen, there are
Speaker 1: women out here that enjoy that, because I'm always like
Speaker 1: when and he's like, listen, relax on that because there
Speaker 1: are people that actually enjoy that. Yeah, And it's and
Speaker 1: there are people that don't enjoy some things that you enjoy.
Speaker 1: So just when you think about it that way, we
Speaker 1: all have our own kink, all of our things that
Speaker 1: we like. But anals what I'm gonna show you is
Speaker 1: just is an example of a toy. This is a
Speaker 1: bit alarming for some people. But this is an anal
Speaker 1: plug and they come in different types of materials and
Speaker 1: um iterations. This is stainless steel gammy good god, um,
Speaker 1: and it is quite heavy. It has some weight to it.
Speaker 1: And this could be for a man or a woman, right,
Speaker 1: use a lot of loop and they come in smaller
Speaker 1: sizes and things like that. With this. If it's this
Speaker 1: for a man, it is really good for prostate stimulation.
Speaker 1: Guys tend to like this or that. And for women
Speaker 1: sometimes a lot of women will use these butt plugs
Speaker 1: or anal bees or things like that and leave them in.
Speaker 1: They use use them for stimulation of the anus right
Speaker 1: what they're having sex or not. But I've known plenty
Speaker 1: of women to leave these types of things in while
Speaker 1: they're having sex and the type of orgasm or the
Speaker 1: fullness that they feel. It looks like a metal almost
Speaker 1: like a metal dildo, but it's almost colder than that. Well,
Speaker 1: it's short, and you've got to make sure you have
Speaker 1: the ring on the end of it too, because you
Speaker 1: don't want anything getting stuck up in there. You need
Speaker 1: to be able to just pull it right on out.
Speaker 1: But it looks like it does not look comfortable to me.
Speaker 1: But it does have kind of a curve in it
Speaker 1: kind of, so I guess that's where the pros. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's gonna go right on in and then it'll hit
Speaker 1: the prostate in a way that is super stimulating to guys.
Speaker 1: And then, like I said, for women that use these,
Speaker 1: they just have the words that they use are like fullness,
Speaker 1: Like if they're have this inserted and the anus while
Speaker 1: they're having sex. There is a different type of stimulation
Speaker 1: orgasm and vaginal orgasm that they yet, that's interesting. I'm
Speaker 1: gonna stay right over there though. That's fine, that's that
Speaker 1: is absolutely fine. So can we talk? Can we talk
Speaker 1: about your G spot? Gammy? What you want to talk
Speaker 1: about my G spot? What about it? Have you found it?
Speaker 1: You know what she is? Okay? I just found her recently.
Speaker 1: What's going on? What's her name? For women that don't know,
Speaker 1: I think I always love to talk about that just
Speaker 1: because a lot of people feel like, Okay, a clteral orgasm, Yeah,
Speaker 1: I know what that is. I have those all the time,
Speaker 1: vaginal orgasms, okay, but the G spot orgasm seems to
Speaker 1: be pretty elusive for a lot of people. They either
Speaker 1: feel like they don't have a G spot if they
Speaker 1: never had the orgasm, or if they've had it, they've
Speaker 1: had it once or twice, or and what usually happens
Speaker 1: is they don't allow themselves to have it. So the
Speaker 1: G spot, I'm gonna stand up just for a man,
Speaker 1: although I know, like this is a podcast and folks
Speaker 1: can't always see. Okay, yes, and you'll tell the people.
Speaker 1: So if you're standing up in front of me. If
Speaker 1: I were to insert my fingers this way right, it
Speaker 1: is about two to three inches up here, right within
Speaker 1: the vaginal wall, pelvis, all of that, right, So about
Speaker 1: two three and it's gonna feel kind of like a
Speaker 1: being or pe a line of being. It's just yeah,
Speaker 1: it's just a kind of coffy, yeah, kind of. So
Speaker 1: with prolonged stimulation of the G spot, you will have
Speaker 1: a different type of orgasm than like your cltal orgasm
Speaker 1: and your vaginal orgasm. And a lot of women will
Speaker 1: report swirting, which is a gush of fluid when they
Speaker 1: have an orgasm. A lot of times it's gonna feel
Speaker 1: like you're pe or that you have to pee. So
Speaker 1: when you're in bed, or when you're wherever you are
Speaker 1: with your partner and they're stimulating you with your hands,
Speaker 1: or even if it's with a toy and you start
Speaker 1: to have that feeling of oh my gosh, I have
Speaker 1: to pee, I gotta stop a lot of times it's
Speaker 1: not that you have to pee, it's just that the
Speaker 1: G spot sits next to the scheme's gland. So the
Speaker 1: G spot, with prolonged stimulation, it becomes a lot more
Speaker 1: pronounced or more engorged with blood, right, so that makes
Speaker 1: it thicker. And when that happens is that it starts
Speaker 1: to press up against the bladder, that engorgement, that little
Speaker 1: lump that you're starting to feel it's gonna press up
Speaker 1: against the bladder, and for some people that causes what
Speaker 1: feels like contractions of the bladder or spasm ng of
Speaker 1: those bladder muscles. And it's usually not that you have
Speaker 1: to pee, but that sensation is what's making you feel
Speaker 1: as though you do. And if you're one of those
Speaker 1: lucky or blessed individuals who has experienced a g spot orgasm,
Speaker 1: you know, if you're having that prolonged stimulation, while it
Speaker 1: may seem like or feel like you're gonna pee, that
Speaker 1: fluid is actually coming from the skins gland which sits
Speaker 1: right next to urethra on either side, and that is
Speaker 1: thought to be kind of a female prostate, and it
Speaker 1: is an ejaculate. It is not urine, but it is
Speaker 1: a hell of a good time and it's a great orgasm.
Speaker 1: And I like to say that it's a neat party
Speaker 1: trick for people that actually can do it, But more
Speaker 1: often than not, if you're feeling like you have to
Speaker 1: urinate or p um and you know that your bladder
Speaker 1: is empty. Just ride that feeling on out and you
Speaker 1: will probably have one of the best orgasms of your life.
Speaker 1: And to ensure that you don't pe just pee before
Speaker 1: you start, P, before you start love making, P, before
Speaker 1: you start your interchorus, P, before you start like, just
Speaker 1: peek first, and then you don't have to worry about that.
Speaker 1: You'll already know in your mind, Okay, this is not
Speaker 1: I don't have to pee because I just pee. Yeah, Well,
Speaker 1: that that was very interesting when I found that spot.
Speaker 1: I bet it was found that spot myself. When you
Speaker 1: have those vibrators and I think you mentioned some of
Speaker 1: these that kind of have a curve at the top
Speaker 1: or the rabbit or hook or whatever, a lot of
Speaker 1: times it's so that it gets to that G spot.
Speaker 1: So sometimes when they have those tips on them that
Speaker 1: look a little funny or they curb over, that's for
Speaker 1: G spot pleasure. That's what those Okay, so I'm gonna
Speaker 1: scare you again, Gammy, I'm so sorry. In advance. This
Speaker 1: is another toy. It's by it's by the same company.
Speaker 1: It's called Enjoy in j O y Um and it's this,
Speaker 1: What in the entirety are you supposed to do with
Speaker 1: that A huge thing? It's not that big. It's long,
Speaker 1: it is long, but the whole thing isn't going in there, Gammy,
Speaker 1: my goodness. So here's the thing. This is called a
Speaker 1: pure wand it looks like a great big smiley face.
Speaker 1: That's the shape of it, the smile pa, but it
Speaker 1: really doesn't smiles and it hooks rightly as you right
Speaker 1: to the g spot. The thing about the loop, so
Speaker 1: you could use a water base or a silicone use
Speaker 1: loop with something like this UM, but most of the
Speaker 1: toys that you have UM on the market today are
Speaker 1: gonna be some form of silicone, and you never want
Speaker 1: to use This is super important. You never want to
Speaker 1: use a silicone loop with a silicone TOYO. It sounds
Speaker 1: kind of it sounds like you would want to do that,
Speaker 1: But what happens with silicone loops is they start to
Speaker 1: break down the integra the toy and so you end
Speaker 1: up getting more bacteria and things like that in it,
Speaker 1: and then the toy you end up having a throw
Speaker 1: the tory way sooner than you would now that is
Speaker 1: that is one thing too about the metal toys that
Speaker 1: you've been showing. It does look like they're easier to
Speaker 1: clean and got a whole lot of crevices. And yeah,
Speaker 1: with any of those, make sure that they're I would
Speaker 1: say medical grade silicone is what I look for, and
Speaker 1: it'll say it on the package. Sometimes you do have
Speaker 1: to spend a little bit more, but I think it's
Speaker 1: so much better and those products are safer. You want
Speaker 1: to um try and make sure that they don't have
Speaker 1: things like parabins or thalids, which is a toxic gas
Speaker 1: kind of chemical that they put to preserve toys and things.
Speaker 1: You don't want those in those products because you're putting
Speaker 1: those topxics then into your body. So get medical grade products.
Speaker 1: So stainless steel is great, medical grade silicone glass is
Speaker 1: really good. Now we gotta get these men involved. So
Speaker 1: the next two that I'm gonna show you are for
Speaker 1: men or or a couple of toys. I say a
Speaker 1: couple of toys therefore men, but it really is going
Speaker 1: to benefit you. So one of the things that guys
Speaker 1: tend to be intimidated by, obviously are those big deal
Speaker 1: those the big penises with the rabbit on the end
Speaker 1: and the pearls that spin around and all that because
Speaker 1: their penises will never do that, and so a lot
Speaker 1: of times they feel like, well, if you're gonna if
Speaker 1: you're doing that, like what can I do? That's a
Speaker 1: lot of times why they don't like toys. So what
Speaker 1: we want to do is kind of empower guys. They
Speaker 1: don't have to be scared of it, and I think
Speaker 1: we can include them in the process. So this is
Speaker 1: one thing that I recommend to include them in the process.
Speaker 1: Is a penis ring. This is what a different type
Speaker 1: of penis ring. Again, this is a rechargeable toy medical
Speaker 1: gray silicone. This expands so it goes over the penis
Speaker 1: and at the base of the penis, so closest to
Speaker 1: the body, right, And so what happens is as he
Speaker 1: becomes erect, it causes the blood flow to stay at
Speaker 1: the penis. So if I have a guy who has
Speaker 1: problems with maintaining an erection, a penis ring is really
Speaker 1: really good because it's gonna trap blood flow towards the
Speaker 1: end of it. So when you're supposed to put that
Speaker 1: on in the beginning before he gets erecked, yes, okay,
Speaker 1: or at the beginning of the process process, right beginning
Speaker 1: of the process is a little bit easier, but even
Speaker 1: after he's erect, it's gonna stretch. So yeah, you can
Speaker 1: put it on after he's erect and then it traps
Speaker 1: blood flow there. The great thing about this one is
Speaker 1: that it vibrates, so he then feels like he's got
Speaker 1: a penis as a power tool. As he's penetrating you,
Speaker 1: you're feeling that vibration too, so you're getting clteral stimulation. See. Okay,
Speaker 1: because one of those that I didn't know how to use. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and I think a lot of people wait until they're
Speaker 1: erect to put them on, which I think is fine.
Speaker 1: Just put it on base of the penis, turn it on.
Speaker 1: It vibrates. He feels amazing because he feels like he's
Speaker 1: doing something he you've never done before. It is charolotic.
Speaker 1: And then for you, he starts to his penis does
Speaker 1: kind of vibrate a little bit. But as he's as
Speaker 1: he's going in and out penetrating, you're feeling that on
Speaker 1: your clitterance, which is love it. You will love you
Speaker 1: will love those people love it. So definitely try it. Okay,
Speaker 1: I definitely try this, and I have one yes, all right,
Speaker 1: I have to go shopping and the next you got
Speaker 1: homework today, you work now. The next one is another
Speaker 1: one that you're gonna be like, what in the world
Speaker 1: is that? So this last one is one that does
Speaker 1: confuse people when they see it, but they get it.
Speaker 1: Have you seen something that looks like this? I have
Speaker 1: and what I don't know that does? Okay, I'm explain
Speaker 1: this to you too. Do you have one of these? No?
Speaker 1: I don't. You're gonna get one. So this is a
Speaker 1: WE vibe W E B I B E. And they
Speaker 1: have a lot of different versions of this. They're probably
Speaker 1: up to like five or six now. But what this
Speaker 1: is is a couple's toy. You can use this individually
Speaker 1: for you, or it can be for you and him.
Speaker 1: I love it as a couple's toy. This is a
Speaker 1: toy that I give to people when they get married,
Speaker 1: like this is my wedding gift. This bottom part is
Speaker 1: inserted in you. And this is a rechargeable toy to
Speaker 1: a little b b bitty hole. I don't even think
Speaker 1: you can. You can barely see it as right here,
Speaker 1: and it's waterproof. So let's say this is the vagina, right,
Speaker 1: it goes, the bottom part goes in just like this, right, Okay,
Speaker 1: So it's inside the vagina. Clitoris is here, so this
Speaker 1: part is vibrating, so you're getting cliteral stimulation. Right. He
Speaker 1: enters you here, so he's feeling the vibration on his
Speaker 1: penis and and as he enters is pushing up against
Speaker 1: your G spot so you're getting c literal ANGI spot
Speaker 1: stimulation and his penis is getting stimulated. This has to
Speaker 1: have this, You have to. This is great. Wow. And
Speaker 1: it's medical gray silicone again, so this is something that's
Speaker 1: super easy to clean. And you'll use a water based
Speaker 1: lupercant with this. The cockering and the we vibe. I'm
Speaker 1: definitely feeling the weed vibe alright. So onto debunking some
Speaker 1: of these cool myths that are out here, because there
Speaker 1: are plenty. So Number one, after menopause, women experience a
Speaker 1: permanent decrease in libido true or false false false false.
Speaker 1: Some people do experience increases or decreases. I think that
Speaker 1: sexual desire, hands down is the number one thing that
Speaker 1: brings people into my office when they have a low
Speaker 1: sexual desire. But the truth is that of women at
Speaker 1: some point in their life will have low sex desire.
Speaker 1: Exactly almost all, and I actually think that the number
Speaker 1: is higher. I think all of us will experience it
Speaker 1: at some point. It ebbs and flows, It fluctuates depending
Speaker 1: on where you are in the relationship, where you are
Speaker 1: in life cycle, where you just are in life. So
Speaker 1: exactly exactly, because I know, like in my fifties, I
Speaker 1: really I was going through a lot of medical issues
Speaker 1: at that time too, and so I had a huge
Speaker 1: drop in my libido. But now, you know, now I'm
Speaker 1: in my sixties and it seems like my libido has
Speaker 1: really come back full force. And I think a lot
Speaker 1: of that has to do with my relationship as well,
Speaker 1: probably doing your relationship with yourself, like yeah, and having
Speaker 1: been through all of that. So I always tell my
Speaker 1: friends who are struggling, like, keep hope alive it don't
Speaker 1: come back, don't worry. Yeah, you know, they always say,
Speaker 1: you know, And I think it's important to remind and
Speaker 1: I've been reminding myself of this all year. Is this
Speaker 1: to shell pass. So even if it's a good time
Speaker 1: that you're having in great sex, this too, sial curls right,
Speaker 1: But if it's bad, this tocial pass, right, Okay. Myth
Speaker 1: Number two orgasms disappear after menopause. Ain't doing that, We
Speaker 1: ain't living that life. That's what you can definitely definitely
Speaker 1: attest to that that now. They may be a little
Speaker 1: bit more challenging to get at times, and you may
Speaker 1: find different types of orgasms as you age, just like
Speaker 1: you you just found your juice spot. But there are
Speaker 1: people who have anal orgasms and find a different type
Speaker 1: of orgasm. Yeah, so I think our orgasmic capacity changes
Speaker 1: over time. Whereas you know, some women say, you know,
Speaker 1: a clural orgasm, I always get it, and then there
Speaker 1: becomes a time when like it's not as easy to get,
Speaker 1: or a vaginal orgasm has been evasive all these years,
Speaker 1: but finally you're able to have them. So it's gonna
Speaker 1: fluctuate the type of orgasm you have. Is things will
Speaker 1: work sometimes and not. That's why position Different positions are
Speaker 1: great and toys are awesome. Okay, one thing you do
Speaker 1: you just talked about is positioning. What is the best
Speaker 1: way to try to introduce different positions? There are you
Speaker 1: can get these on Amazon or sex toy shops and
Speaker 1: even some just regular barns and Noble prestanding bookstores will
Speaker 1: have books of sex positions and I think those are
Speaker 1: great because a lot of times we get stuck in
Speaker 1: our head about the positions that we've always done or
Speaker 1: that our partner has always done, and we can't really
Speaker 1: think outside of the box. Sometimes it takes a visual
Speaker 1: of seeing a different position to say I don't know,
Speaker 1: nobody can do that, or you know, And so I
Speaker 1: think trying different positions is great, and especially especially as
Speaker 1: we age, certain positions may cause pain. So lying on
Speaker 1: your back might not be the thing for you for
Speaker 1: a long period of time if you have let's say,
Speaker 1: sciatic nerve problems or different types of issues, or maybe
Speaker 1: leg pain will cause you not to be able to
Speaker 1: do a certain position. So definitely, as we age, we
Speaker 1: have to think about different positions. A name another kind
Speaker 1: of pseudo toy is a wedge. A lot of there
Speaker 1: are a lot of Liberator makes one. I think Candy
Speaker 1: makes one now one and I you know, I actually
Speaker 1: just saw that recently and I was like, wow, I
Speaker 1: think I might want to try that. It's a good idea,
Speaker 1: especially because it takes pressure off certain areas of the body.
Speaker 1: It allows you to position yourself. So before buying it,
Speaker 1: if you're trying to decide if this would be helpful
Speaker 1: or not. Use stalking of pillows to see how it.
Speaker 1: If you have kind of an adjustable mattress, use that
Speaker 1: to your advantage as well, just to see if a
Speaker 1: different positioning of your head or your kIPS or your
Speaker 1: legs would help. But those position books really do help,
Speaker 1: because I think sometimes we get kind of stuck in
Speaker 1: our ways and don't think about things. But if you
Speaker 1: take it, take positioning and use that as kind of
Speaker 1: your sex toy, a lot of people find greater comfort. Also,
Speaker 1: like straps and I know, swings and all those kind
Speaker 1: of stuff. Those aren't necessarily the things that people envision
Speaker 1: themselves having in their bedroom, but they certainly do help,
Speaker 1: especially when we talk about like disability or not being
Speaker 1: able to have like missionary style sex, or I need
Speaker 1: to be sitting up because of how you know, my
Speaker 1: back or my leg pain or whatever. You can still
Speaker 1: have sex and have some ailments and things going on.
Speaker 1: You just have to have the right supports in place
Speaker 1: to be able to do it right. And what would
Speaker 1: you say is the best way to introduce that kind
Speaker 1: of discussion? Though I still find it just a tap
Speaker 1: it awkward. So one thing, one thing that I would
Speaker 1: suggest is to have people listen to this podcast. Just say,
Speaker 1: you know what, will you listen to this podcast with me?
Speaker 1: And then we can talk about it afterwards. What did
Speaker 1: you learn? Let me tell you what I took away? Yea,
Speaker 1: So so that kind of thing. I think. Also one
Speaker 1: thing that I do have people do, especially when they're
Speaker 1: in my office, and granted they're in off because they
Speaker 1: have some sort of issue. I love a good always,
Speaker 1: sometimes a never list for people. So always are the
Speaker 1: things and couples will work on there is independently and
Speaker 1: then share it with people. But when it comes to sex,
Speaker 1: like these are the things that I will always do,
Speaker 1: I'm always down for world sex. I'm always gonna, you know,
Speaker 1: kiss the back of your neck like you like it
Speaker 1: or whatever it is. Sometimes we can do an know,
Speaker 1: but just don't be expecting it every time, because I
Speaker 1: got to get my mind around that there's always there
Speaker 1: these always, sometimes and never things. And then get a person,
Speaker 1: get each of you in the in a relationship to
Speaker 1: write your own lists and then swap them out sharing
Speaker 1: with each other. That's one way. Oh that's a good way.
Speaker 1: I like that I like. And then once we get
Speaker 1: that book of positions, right, I would if it's a
Speaker 1: paper book, and I know we don't necessarily want to
Speaker 1: destroy books, but one thing that you could do is
Speaker 1: tear out each page, ball it up or fold it up,
Speaker 1: put it in a big basket or jar, and each
Speaker 1: night and then it's a surprise. Oh that's cool. That's
Speaker 1: a great idea to see like that. Okay, cool. This
Speaker 1: has been a blast. Thank you so much for sharing
Speaker 1: your your expreaditvice. You guys can find all of Dr
Speaker 1: Tiffany's information on our website, Dr Tiffany dot com and
Speaker 1: we will definitely need to have a part two so
Speaker 1: I can scare yes, because you've got homework girl, and
Speaker 1: I need to know everything that had absolutely, thank you
Speaker 1: so much. I appreciate you. Here are a few takeaways
Speaker 1: from my conversation with Dr Tiffany. Number one, the person
Speaker 1: with the problem is not always the one causing it.
Speaker 1: M Number two, aging is a process. We all will
Speaker 1: go through it if we're blessed, so give yourself great.
Speaker 1: Number three the always sometimes never list, great idea to
Speaker 1: start a conversation about trying new things. Number four, no
Speaker 1: silk own on silicone? Got it? No silicone on silicone?
Speaker 1: Remember that that's important. Number five, remember to p first
Speaker 1: before sex. And on that note, I'm headed out to
Speaker 1: get my weed y. Thank you guys for listening, and
Speaker 1: thank you again to my guest, Dr Tiffany Davis Henry.
Speaker 1: If you're listening on Apple Podcasts, be sure to rate
Speaker 1: and review the episode. Follow me on Instagram at Adrian
Speaker 1: Banfield Nurris to share with me your thoughts on the episode.
Speaker 1: I'm here, I'm talking, and I'm listening, and there's always
Speaker 1: stay grateful. Positively gam is produced by Westbrook Audio. Executive
Speaker 1: producers Adrian Banfield Narris, Jada Pinkett Smith, Amanda Brown and
Speaker 1: Fallon jethro Co Executive producer sim Hoti, segment producer Ash Francis,
Speaker 1: associate producer Erica Ron and Kobe Hartberg, editor and mixer
Speaker 1: Calvin Bailiff. Positively GAM is in partnership with Art nineteen
Speaker 1: h