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Speaker 1: Hey, guys, I'm Kaylie Shore, and this is too much

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Speaker 1: to say. All you We've all done it. Some of

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Speaker 1: us have done it loudly in front of people, some

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Speaker 1: of us have done it quietly in our rooms or

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Speaker 1: a closet. Um. Not going to admit or deny, but yeah,

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Speaker 1: we've all done it. We've all cried at Christmas, every

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Speaker 1: single person. And I think that we don't talk about enough.

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Speaker 1: The holidays aren't always so happy, and anybody understands that now.

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Speaker 1: I mean, this is just the culmination of every bad

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Speaker 1: Christmas we've ever had, all wrapped up into one, and

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Speaker 1: it's hashtag triggering. But I think that the holidays are

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Speaker 1: always kind of a really tough time in general. This

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Speaker 1: time last year, I was on tour with LeAnn Rhymes

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Speaker 1: on the You and Me and Christmas Tour, which was

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Speaker 1: so fun. It was like the best time. I love

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Speaker 1: Christmas and getting to you know, listen to her every night.

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Speaker 1: And they had these like little machines backstage that would

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Speaker 1: pump out this smell that Leanne had made for her

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Speaker 1: holiday candles, and so everything smelled like the most amazing

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Speaker 1: combination of Christmas trees of vanilla, and it was just

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Speaker 1: like so so cool and now I like have that

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Speaker 1: candle and so when I light it, it makes me

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Speaker 1: think of Christmas in this tour and I learned so

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Speaker 1: much about being a musician from that tour and watching Leanne.

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Speaker 1: But also I learned a lot like spiritually. I mean,

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Speaker 1: she just started a new podcast called Holy Human. You

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Speaker 1: guys should absolutely check it out. But she's like, I

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Speaker 1: don't know, like a mind jedi and also can sing

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Speaker 1: better than anybody and apparently just won the Masks singer.

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Speaker 1: I mean, don't even get me started on how big

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Speaker 1: lean rhymes fan I am. But she talked a lot

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Speaker 1: before her sawngs and you know, would really invite people

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Speaker 1: into what felt like her living room for this show

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Speaker 1: where we'd be playing for thousands of people, and it

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Speaker 1: felt like she was talking right to you, which was incredible.

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Speaker 1: But she would talk a lot about, yeah, we're here

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Speaker 1: to celebrate Christmas and it's so amazing. But also it's

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Speaker 1: an emotional time, both good and bad, and the holidays

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Speaker 1: bring up so much. You know, like you're around your family,

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Speaker 1: it's the end of the year and you are just

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Speaker 1: feeling things, whether you're having the happiest, happiest Christmas of

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Speaker 1: all time, and you're feeling all that joy or you're

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Speaker 1: just feeling all that sadness you just went through a breakup.

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Speaker 1: I mean, it's a lot, and it's also a lot

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Speaker 1: of ups and downs and roller coasters. Like for me,

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Speaker 1: I kind of always had a bitter sweet relationship with Christmas,

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Speaker 1: whereas I really like it, but there are a lot

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Speaker 1: of bad memories and still bad memories to be made

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Speaker 1: around Christmas for me with my family and et cetera.

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Speaker 1: And I'll spend one day watching We're Off the Red

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Speaker 1: Nose Reindeer, drinking spiked hot chocolate in my fuzzy socks,

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Speaker 1: and having the Christmas tree lights up and of you know,

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Speaker 1: Yankee candlelit and it's so amazing. And then the next

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Speaker 1: day I'm like crying about you know, everything. So it's

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Speaker 1: weird because you're it's all these ups and downs. And

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Speaker 1: I also think that the end of the year is

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Speaker 1: always tough in general, so the fact that we throw

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Speaker 1: Christmas on top of it is insane. Like the end

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Speaker 1: of year existential crisis that happens where you just feel

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Speaker 1: like it's another year that's gone by, Your one year

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Speaker 1: closer to thirty or forty or fifty and you haven't

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Speaker 1: done what you want to do and blah blah blah

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Speaker 1: blah blah. Like that's also happening around Christmas, and I

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Speaker 1: feel like we're supposed to cram all that those thoughts

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Speaker 1: in between December and December thirty one, but they start

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Speaker 1: happening in November. I mean, I honestly, I really really

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Speaker 1: feel for my Sagittarius and Capricorn friends out there, because

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Speaker 1: not only do they have the existential crisis that comes

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Speaker 1: from turning another year older, but they have the existential

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Speaker 1: crisis of another year happening as well. So it's just

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Speaker 1: like a lot. And then they're you know, they're getting

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Speaker 1: birthday presents in Christmas presents that are like kind of

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Speaker 1: the same one. Like my best friend Katherine's birthday was

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Speaker 1: a couple days ago, and I gave her her birthday

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Speaker 1: present and like didn't kind of think about the Christmas

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Speaker 1: present because I just had been doing all my shopping

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Speaker 1: at once and had a Catherine Pyle and I'm like, God,

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Speaker 1: it sucks to be a Sagittarius. It's kind of interesting

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Speaker 1: to me. I haven't really figured out why I love

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Speaker 1: Christmas so much because I've had a lot of crying

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Speaker 1: at Christmas, but I really do love it, and I

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Speaker 1: love like you know, I always have my Christmas tree

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Speaker 1: up like on Thanksgiving, like that's I'm immediately into Christmas territory.

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Speaker 1: I don't start in September, but I start early, and

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Speaker 1: I really love it and it makes me feel warm

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Speaker 1: and cozy. But I think for me growing up, Christmas

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Speaker 1: was never what I wanted it to be. And I

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Speaker 1: hope that as I tell this next story, I don't

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Speaker 1: sound like a spoiled brat. It's just feeling like I

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Speaker 1: wasn't normal. That's that's more what it was. It It

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Speaker 1: really didn't have anything to do with not having money

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Speaker 1: or not getting the presents I wanted. But for starters,

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Speaker 1: I wasn't allowed to believe in Santa, so I I

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Speaker 1: used to get presents from my grandma that said that

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Speaker 1: they were from Santa Claus because she's from Germany. My

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Speaker 1: dad's a German immigrant, and like Santa's huge. I mean

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Speaker 1: he's huge everywhere, but he's huge, huge, huge in Germany

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Speaker 1: and like a really big part of that tradition. And

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Speaker 1: I remember being like six years old and looking at

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Speaker 1: my presence from Santa from Grandma and being like, oh

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Speaker 1: my god, Grandma doesn't know Santa is not real, and

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Speaker 1: I like literally dead ask thought that Grandma had no

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Speaker 1: idea and I was like in on this secret. But

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Speaker 1: there was there was never a time that I was

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Speaker 1: allowed to believe in him. And I think that people

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Speaker 1: have reasons for doing that. Religion was the one for me,

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Speaker 1: like why my mom wasn't Santa fan? But I mean,

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Speaker 1: I don't know. I think that there's so much beauty

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Speaker 1: in it. Like I got to see my nephews recently

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Speaker 1: and hearing them talk about Santa and how much they

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Speaker 1: believe in it, and if they see one at the mall,

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Speaker 1: like they really think it's Santa Claus. And they weren't

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Speaker 1: able to do that this year, but in their community

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Speaker 1: they had a like kind of mini parade. It was

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Speaker 1: really just Santa in a truck driving around. So I'm

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Speaker 1: like they had a set time so all the kids

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Speaker 1: could walk outside and see Santa and like have that experience,

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Speaker 1: even in modified to be safe. And I just never

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Speaker 1: had those memories, And you know, I never I think

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Speaker 1: I had like one or two pictures of Santa at

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Speaker 1: the mall, but I was always like, why am I

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Speaker 1: sitting on this old dude's lap? And I was like

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Speaker 1: four or five. I didn't really need to, um have

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Speaker 1: that taken away. I don't know. I'm a little salty

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Speaker 1: about it, obviously, but it's just weird to hear my

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Speaker 1: friends talk about the things their parents would do, and

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Speaker 1: like even me doing elf on the shell for my

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Speaker 1: niece and nephew last year, I was like, oh my god,

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Speaker 1: they actually believe this, you know, And I never had

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Speaker 1: that opportunity. So in addition to that, Christmas is were

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Speaker 1: always my parents going back and forth. It was every

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Speaker 1: other Christmas. Sometimes I'd have to sometimes I wouldn't get

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Speaker 1: to see them at all. And it was just a

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Speaker 1: lot for a little kid to be so excited for

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Speaker 1: something but have so many variables happening, and not really

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Speaker 1: understanding why we couldn't just all be together on Christmas.

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Speaker 1: And I grew up in this really tiny apartment and

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Speaker 1: I hated it. I mean I literally moved out five

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Speaker 1: days after I turned eighteen because I was just I

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Speaker 1: just hated that place. Um And around Christmas it felt

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Speaker 1: especially suffocating because we really only had space for like

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Speaker 1: this little two ft tall Christmas tree and I know,

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Speaker 1: I really think my mom was doing her best, but

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Speaker 1: I just wanted a Christmas tree like the other kids.

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Speaker 1: I would be so for my friends to come over

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Speaker 1: to my house, and I would be especially embarrassed for

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Speaker 1: them to come over around Christmas because it just didn't

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Speaker 1: look like you know, it was just weird and and

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Speaker 1: that when you're a little kid, like you don't understand that,

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Speaker 1: so you do come off sounding like a spoiled brad.

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Speaker 1: And I'm sure I kind of sound like one now,

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Speaker 1: But what I mean is I just was looking at

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Speaker 1: what everybody else had and being like, why why doesn't

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Speaker 1: my life look like that? It wasn't like why don't

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Speaker 1: I have an iPod? Like, I didn't really care about

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Speaker 1: that stuff. I could be happy and play with anything.

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Speaker 1: But it was like, why why isn't my family all

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Speaker 1: sitting down for Christmas dinner? Why don't we all open

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Speaker 1: presents together in the morning? Why is it just me

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Speaker 1: and Mom? Or why do I have to go to

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Speaker 1: Dad's this Christmas when I wanted to go to Moms?

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Speaker 1: Or why do I have to go to moms as

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Speaker 1: Christmas when I wanted to go to Dad's. Why can't

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Speaker 1: they just be in the same room, and it was

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Speaker 1: just really hard to understand as a kid. And so

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Speaker 1: Christmas has always brought up this myriad of emotions that

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Speaker 1: I still don't understand. I didn't understand them when I

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Speaker 1: was four, and I don't understand them now and think

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Speaker 1: that not knowing where these feelings come from is okay.

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Speaker 1: And the point of this episode is to really talk

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Speaker 1: to you guys and like let you know that everybody

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Speaker 1: feels this way, even people with like really stable families.

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Speaker 1: Christmas brings up a lot. It's so stressful. It's like

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Speaker 1: birthdays where you put all this like emphasis and expectation

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Speaker 1: on it. And expectation is one of the worst things

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Speaker 1: you can you can put on something. Is is thinking

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Speaker 1: you know what it's going to look like and not

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Speaker 1: being malleable and willing to go to the flow. And

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Speaker 1: I say that because I put a lot of expectations

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Speaker 1: on a lot of things. And so Christmas kind of

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Speaker 1: a set up for disappointment, just based off of the

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Speaker 1: fact that we're comparing our Christmas to another families when

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Speaker 1: we're only seeing a part of it. We're comparing our

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Speaker 1: Christmas to the ones on TV, which are not real,

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Speaker 1: and we're feeling all these feelings and then also feeling

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Speaker 1: the pressure to feel really happy and it's just not

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Speaker 1: always happy. And I think that that's okay. Like I

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Speaker 1: don't know, I think that Christmas is such a beautiful

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Speaker 1: time and if you allow it to be a time

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Speaker 1: where you really sit in your feelings, because you actually

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Speaker 1: have time to sit in them, especially this year, and

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Speaker 1: like reflect in journal and you know, light a Christmas

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Speaker 1: candle or sit by the fire or whatever. If you

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Speaker 1: allow it to be a time of feeling, it's going

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Speaker 1: to benefit you a lot more. Something that's been difficult

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Speaker 1: about Christmas for me, especially this year and in general,

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Speaker 1: has never really been I'm not going to get what

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Speaker 1: I want for Christmas. It's been I can't buy people

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Speaker 1: what I want to buy them. And this year has

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Speaker 1: been really hard because you know, I'm still sort of working.

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Speaker 1: I know that I'm doing a lot better than some

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Speaker 1: people because you know, uh, there's people who are just

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Speaker 1: like living in their cars right now because of Corona.

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Speaker 1: But I definitely I am not doing great when it

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Speaker 1: comes to the bank account. I mean, I made most

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Speaker 1: of my money off touring and that's just completely disappeared.

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Speaker 1: So Ristmas has been kind of hard this year because

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Speaker 1: I want to show people that I love them and

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Speaker 1: buy them these thoughtful things. And it's not like buying

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Speaker 1: them a flat screen TV or a MacBook. It's like

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Speaker 1: buying them something that's really special that I found on

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Speaker 1: Etsy that's like totally perfect and customized to them. But

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Speaker 1: it's like a hundred more dollars than I can afford,

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Speaker 1: because I can afford like twenty, you know. And I

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Speaker 1: love buying presents for people, like it's one of my

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Speaker 1: favorite things. I am so excited about the presence I

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Speaker 1: got people this year, and I've started buying them six

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Speaker 1: months ago, which actually has been easier because I'm not

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Speaker 1: just spending all this money at once. But it's one

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Speaker 1: of my favorite things, and not being able to do

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Speaker 1: that this year as much as I have in the

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Speaker 1: past is really disappointing. And me and a lot of

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Speaker 1: my friends sat down and we're like, well, not sid

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Speaker 1: dumb in our group chat, you know what I mean.

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Speaker 1: We meta fourthly sat down and we were like, hey, um,

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Speaker 1: so nobody buy each other presence this year. We're all broke,

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Speaker 1: okay ha ha ha yeah, And they're like, it's settled,

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Speaker 1: so Christmas kind of sucks sometimes or a little bit always.

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Speaker 1: I don't know. I haven't figured it out yet, but

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Speaker 1: I do know that one of the hardest things, hands

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Speaker 1: down about the Holidays is missing somebody. And I've been

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Speaker 1: through that in the form of a breakup. I mean,

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Speaker 1: I spent six Christmas Is with the same person, and

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Speaker 1: so when I didn't, it sucked, you know, I mean

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Speaker 1: like everything I had known was gone and that was like,

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Speaker 1: you know, a really good percentage of the Christmas as

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Speaker 1: I remembered, and and those are really hard, and you know,

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Speaker 1: not having someone to go look at the lights with

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Speaker 1: and not having somebody to buy a present for, and

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Speaker 1: you're going out and you're looking for presents for people

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Speaker 1: and you see things you're like, I should go that

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Speaker 1: for them. Oh wait, we broke up six months ago.

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Speaker 1: Like things like that happen, and it's it's really difficult.

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Speaker 1: But there's this whole thing about how much it sucks

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Speaker 1: to be single at Christmas, and I don't know. I mean,

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Speaker 1: I've had some really great Christmas as single. Honestly, you

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Speaker 1: do save money and that's really nice. And I would

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Speaker 1: rather have a hundred Christmas single than a hundred Christmas

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Speaker 1: Is with the wrong person, but not alone. I mean,

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Speaker 1: I know that there's a lot of lovely things around

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Speaker 1: the holidays that make you want somebody, but I mean,

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Speaker 1: I don't know, Like sometimes it can be a lot

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Speaker 1: like having to bring a person around your family or

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Speaker 1: go around there's you know, when you just kind of

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Speaker 1: want to do your thing and not have to worry

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Speaker 1: about entertaining them or being on your best behavior around

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Speaker 1: their parents. So I don't know, there's plenty, there's plenty

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Speaker 1: of things to be thankful for, but I I do

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Speaker 1: acknowledge that it sucks. I've been there. Not fun. However,

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Speaker 1: the real, the real shitty type of missing somebody around

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Speaker 1: the holidays is when you've lost somebody because they've passed away,

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Speaker 1: and it just creeps up on you out of nowhere,

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Speaker 1: like Christmas time makes you a raw nerve and you're

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Speaker 1: just waiting for somebody to brush against you ever so slightly,

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Speaker 1: and it just feels like you're dying. And so when

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Speaker 1: you see all these people happy, doing all these wonderful

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Speaker 1: things and taking pictures of their whole family, it exacerbates

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Speaker 1: the entire thing and makes it so much, so much

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Speaker 1: harder than it would be just at a normal time.

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Speaker 1: I mean last Christmas, I was with my little brother

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Speaker 1: and sister that my dad adopted, and it was our

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Speaker 1: first Christmas without their mom, and it was a weird one.

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Speaker 1: I mean I tried so hard to make it special

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Speaker 1: for them and still try to do like the different traditions.

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Speaker 1: Like Chloe had told me that um actually would always

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Speaker 1: make meat loaf, and so I made meat loaf and

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Speaker 1: she was telling me all the things that her mom

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Speaker 1: used to make, and I like, worked so hard on it.

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Speaker 1: And it's hilarious because these kids love ketchup. Like when

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Speaker 1: I say love Ketchup, I mean like basically like I

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Speaker 1: once saw Cameron eat a slice of pizza that was

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Speaker 1: so covered and ketchup you could not see the pizza

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Speaker 1: underneath it. So I work so hard on this ketchup

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Speaker 1: and these are this ketch up well you know you

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Speaker 1: know what's coming. I work so hard on this meat

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Speaker 1: loaf and these mashed potatoes and he just takes a

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Speaker 1: giant thing of Ketchup and just empties it out onto

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Speaker 1: the plate. And I was like, all right, I know

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Speaker 1: you're five, but wow, I worked so hard on that.

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Speaker 1: And I was like, is this what being a parent

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Speaker 1: feels like, but I just wanted them to have some

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Speaker 1: sense of normalcy. And everything i'd read about children grieving

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Speaker 1: talks about how important it is to talk about their

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Speaker 1: person um and who they lost in their their parents

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Speaker 1: or their their sibling or whoever. It's really really import

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Speaker 1: and for their development to not erase that person's existence,

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Speaker 1: because that will confuse them even more then the whole

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Speaker 1: thing is already confusing them. So I tried to find

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Speaker 1: ways that we could incorporate that, and we would watch

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Speaker 1: old home videos. I had a bunch of me and

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Speaker 1: my sister opening Presence when I was like their age,

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Speaker 1: which they thought was really cute because they've never seen

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Speaker 1: me as a little kid, and they've never seen their

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Speaker 1: mom as a teenager, so seeing her on on camera

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Speaker 1: like they thought it was so cool. And then we

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Speaker 1: went back and watched a bunch of videos that were

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Speaker 1: like on her Facebook from Christmas and different ones we

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Speaker 1: found and stuff and got they got to see her

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Speaker 1: with them, and I think that's so important, especially because

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Speaker 1: Cameron's so young, Like, I'm just so terrified that he's

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Speaker 1: gonna lose these memories, and I've read a lot about

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Speaker 1: how that can happen to when a parent passed away

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Speaker 1: when you're really young. And so I just want him

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Speaker 1: to be able to see himself with his mom as

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Speaker 1: much as possible. So we did that, and then he's

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Speaker 1: so matter of fact because he's so young and he's

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Speaker 1: just had to accept it, like he hasn't really had

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Speaker 1: a choice other than to be like, okay, yeah, mom

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Speaker 1: stopped coming back, and he'll just say it so point blank.

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Speaker 1: It honestly is funny, like and Chloe is like very

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Speaker 1: you know, she's obviously fully where what happens. She's eleven,

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Speaker 1: but she, um, it just reacts a little bit differently.

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Speaker 1: It's like it's more nuanced, it's it's more emotional and

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Speaker 1: just like but he's just so like matter of fact

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Speaker 1: because it's been explained to him in really like concise

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Speaker 1: terms and so that's how he explains it as well.

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Speaker 1: And so I was like, let's paint some pictures for

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Speaker 1: mommy that we can make her for Christmas, and um,

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Speaker 1: Chloe drew this picture of a butterfly because my sister

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Speaker 1: loved butterflies. That's why I have that tattoo on my wrist.

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Speaker 1: And part of why Angry Butterfly is a song on

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Speaker 1: my album, but she loved butterflies were drawing that, and

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Speaker 1: then we drew clouds and uh, we had the idea

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Speaker 1: to write something in every cloud. That was something that

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Speaker 1: we missed about Ashley and Chloe. I mean, she was

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Speaker 1: talking about as good at a time as you can

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Speaker 1: have doing something that's sad, but it was really good

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Speaker 1: and I think it brought us closer. And Cameron wasn't

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Speaker 1: doing anything and he was just watching Scooby Doo and

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Speaker 1: I was like, kemmy, don't you want to drop a

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Speaker 1: picture for mommy? And he's like, why she's dead? And

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Speaker 1: I was like, oh my god, five year old just

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Speaker 1: I mean and Chloe just look at each other and

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Speaker 1: we have to start laughing. But literally, like Chloe told

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Speaker 1: me so many stories about how when they would be

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Speaker 1: at elementary school, she literally walked by his class one

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Speaker 1: day and somebody it was like Mother's Day and she's

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Speaker 1: literally in the hallway walking by her little brother's class

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Speaker 1: and all she hears him say is my mom is dead.

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Speaker 1: I don't want to make a card. And they're like,

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Speaker 1: oh my god. Like kids are so I mean, god,

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Speaker 1: they're just they're amazing and dark and simple and and

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Speaker 1: just I don't know, it's just really like funny but

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Speaker 1: not on it. I mean, all I can say is

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Speaker 1: that I know if my sister is here, should be

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Speaker 1: laughing at it, because she'd be like, that's so absurd,

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Speaker 1: And where the kind of family who laughs at absurd things.

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Speaker 1: Sort of you have to when enough absurd things happened

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Speaker 1: to you. But I think if you've lost somebody, whether

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Speaker 1: it's a breakup or someone passing away, it doesn't matter

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Speaker 1: how long ago it was, Like it could have happened ten,

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Speaker 1: fifteen years ago. The holidays are going to bring it

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Speaker 1: all back up, and you need to allow yourself to

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Speaker 1: be sad at Christmas. It's okay. And also some of

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Speaker 1: the best advice I ever heard was you can still

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Speaker 1: cry on a good day, Like just because you gave

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Speaker 1: into the sadness and you let yourself feel something and

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Speaker 1: you miss somebody, doesn't mean that it's automatically a bad day.

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Speaker 1: Like that's just a day, and in life's just a

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Speaker 1: series of happy moments strung together by some other types,

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Speaker 1: whether they're boring or they're sad. It's just waiting for

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Speaker 1: that next happy moment and waiting for that that next

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Speaker 1: thing that lights you up. So there's a lot of

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Speaker 1: those around at Christmas, so keep your eyes open, you'll

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Speaker 1: probably find them. But also it's okay to be sad.

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Speaker 1: Don't let anybody make you feel like you need to

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Speaker 1: be the Holly Dolly to your captain. You don't. You

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Speaker 1: can process Christmas anyway you would like, as long as

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Speaker 1: you're not mean to people. And also, you know, it's

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Speaker 1: it's a tough year for everybody, so I like to

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Speaker 1: think that there will be a lot more empathy going

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Speaker 1: around this year than other times, because you know, we're

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Speaker 1: all going through it in varying ways and degrees and whatnot.

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Speaker 1: So in honor of this episode and just my you know, general, yeah,

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Speaker 1: general Christmas on we I made a Sad Christmas playlist

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Speaker 1: and it's on my Spotify, so if you go to

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Speaker 1: Kaylie Shore you'll be able to find it. I'll put

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Speaker 1: it in the link the description for this episode as well.

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Speaker 1: But the songs I put on there are Christmas makes

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Speaker 1: me cry. Casey Musgraves another Lonely Christmas by Prince. It's

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Speaker 1: a line in there about just getting drunk on banana

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Speaker 1: Dakaris and crying, and I'm like, yep, mood uh Hard

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Speaker 1: Candy Christmas by Dolly Parton. Christmas is when you remind

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Speaker 1: Taylor Swift. I'll be Home for Christmas by Cam River

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Speaker 1: by Joni Mitchell, Christmas Baby, Please Come Home by Death

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Speaker 1: Cab for Cutie, and Christmas Song by Phoebe Bridgers. So

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Speaker 1: check those out. The playlist is linked below. Listen to them,

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Speaker 1: cry to him, Hug your family if you can safely.

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Speaker 1: If not, do a zoom call and drink some wine

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Speaker 1: or drink some tea, or just do something for yourself

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Speaker 1: that feels good. There's always something that will make you

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Speaker 1: feel at least a little tiny bit better, So try that.

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Speaker 1: I'm wishing you guys the best holiday. I hope that.

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Speaker 1: Um you've had a great Hanukah or you're just enjoying

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Speaker 1: the season. Um, but if you celebrate Christmas, Merry Christmas,

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Speaker 1: Happy holidays. I will see you guys next Wednesday. Um. Oh,

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Speaker 1: I'll see you next year. Yeah, I made the joke.

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Speaker 1: I made a really bad joke. Sorry. Oh god, I

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Speaker 1: know I hate myself too, all right, love you guys

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Speaker 1: so much. My name is Kaylee Shore Mary Chris. This

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Speaker 1: this has been too much to say. And I'll see

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Speaker 1: you next week. Don't go ask me questions, answer, So

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Speaker 1: I've got to say, I'll turn it out of you.

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Speaker 1: You