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Speaker 1: What would you talk about on your on your podcast?

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Speaker 1: All right, somebody got something I got, I got Jack

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Speaker 1: shipped to talk about. I think I have an idea. Yes,

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Speaker 1: go okay. So Diamond obviously needs to be the one

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Speaker 1: to tell this story, but she had quite a New

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Speaker 1: York moment on her way into work today. She said,

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Speaker 1: a couple recently, and then it made me think of

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Speaker 1: all of our first New York moments, or maybe the

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Speaker 1: biggest New York moment. I think we should talk about them.

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Speaker 1: M hm, okay, Diamond, tell us your story. You're New York,

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Speaker 1: welcome to New York moment, even though you've been here

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Speaker 1: for years. I was born and raised in New York, right,

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Speaker 1: so you you don't think anything would like top your

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Speaker 1: expectations of New York and like people being out of control? Um,

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Speaker 1: but this morning went over like it boiled over in

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Speaker 1: my car. Couldn't find a park thanks to everyone who

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Speaker 1: drove to work today and was in the way. Um,

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Speaker 1: so I had to park like maybe a block away

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Speaker 1: from where I usually park around the building, and a

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Speaker 1: drunk man was just I don't want to use the

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Speaker 1: word harassed because it sounds a little like super serious,

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Speaker 1: but yeah, no, he was harassing me. It's like standing

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Speaker 1: outside of the car yelling, what are you doing? What

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Speaker 1: are you doing? Then he starts yelling in Spanish and

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Speaker 1: I'm like, well, I don't know what he's saying, but

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Speaker 1: he's very angry. You couldn't figure out what he was saying.

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Speaker 1: But he was yelling directly at me, and I tried

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Speaker 1: to turn and he walks around the car to like

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Speaker 1: yell in my film, like, oh my God, get out

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Speaker 1: of this car. What am I gonna do? Thankfully Garrett

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Speaker 1: came and helped me. This guy was humping her car,

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Speaker 1: like he I would definitely have your car checked out

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Speaker 1: for some type of disease or whatever. Like he was

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Speaker 1: in the front of the car just you know, God. So, yeah,

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Speaker 1: what did you say to him to get him away?

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Speaker 1: So I didn't say much. He apparently he calmed down

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Speaker 1: as soon as he saw myself and another gentleman that

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Speaker 1: works with the building approached Diamond, and uh, he he

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Speaker 1: was just like he. I don't know if he was

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Speaker 1: yelling at Diamond or he was yelling at Diamond's car.

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Speaker 1: I think he was trying to have a conversation with

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Speaker 1: Diamond's car. He was that drunk um and then Diamond

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Speaker 1: walked back into the building. I took the car to

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Speaker 1: go park it somewhere else, and all of a sudden,

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Speaker 1: he starts helping me get out of the spot. Like

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Speaker 1: he went from being an aggressor to Diamond to helping

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Speaker 1: me get out of the parallels. Oh my god, but

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Speaker 1: you know that is like your stereotypical news, like it

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Speaker 1: really only does happen in New York to have somebody

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Speaker 1: harassed me like that, and then all of a sudden

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Speaker 1: to flip on a Diamond try and back your car, Like, yeah,

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Speaker 1: that's I remember when my parents first came to visit,

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Speaker 1: and my parents grew up in like Erie, Pennsylvania, had

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Speaker 1: never been in New York City, had never written the subway.

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Speaker 1: I'm like, hey, let's take the subway up to the

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Speaker 1: Natural History Museum. So we hop on the subway. And

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Speaker 1: I had written the subway probably three times before that,

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Speaker 1: never really had an incident that was remarkable. So I

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Speaker 1: told my mom and dam like, hey, it'll be fine,

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Speaker 1: We'll be great, don't worry. My mom had a person

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Speaker 1: on like underneath her jacket because she was concerned she

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Speaker 1: was gonna get mugged. Whatever, so we get on the

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Speaker 1: subway and then instantly the guy comes on that is

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Speaker 1: speaking to Jesus. Have you ever had that guy like Jesus,

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Speaker 1: I Save us Save and just as loud as can

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Speaker 1: be and just speaking in tongues, and I might looked

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Speaker 1: to my mom and dad, I'm like, Okay, it's real simple,

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Speaker 1: We'll just change cars when we get to the next stop.

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Speaker 1: So we get to the next stop and we change cars,

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Speaker 1: and then this other woman comes in totally unrelated to

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Speaker 1: the other guy, who proceeds to then um start like

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Speaker 1: going through her bag and changing her clothes, like taking

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Speaker 1: her shirt off, and I'm like, like, you know, just

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Speaker 1: full on disrobing in the like in front of my mom,

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Speaker 1: who's horrified at this point, and I'm just like, you

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Speaker 1: can't fucking win Man, New York City. And nothing particularly

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Speaker 1: phases me anymore. But I only have two memories of weird,

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Speaker 1: like really weird things, both involving trains. One on the

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Speaker 1: subway where there was a woman taking a dump in

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Speaker 1: the corner. As I was getting on the train, I

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Speaker 1: was like, why did I get into this car? And

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Speaker 1: like three years ago, I was coming up the stairs

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Speaker 1: at Penn Station and there was a dude completely naked

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Speaker 1: laying on the steps masturbating, and I mean the steps

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Speaker 1: were crowded. There were seventy people walking up the steps

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Speaker 1: and he and it like it was nothing and no

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Speaker 1: one cared. What you see last week? Why don't see

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Speaker 1: it last week outside the cad Oh the cab driver

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Speaker 1: taking a dump on the sidewalker. I'm saying that too,

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Speaker 1: that's crazy. Why would I think? I don't understand if

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Speaker 1: he pulled over in front of the hotel on the

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Speaker 1: corner down there, pulled his pants down, and I was like,

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Speaker 1: I was at the red lineer, what is he doing?

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Speaker 1: Maybe he could wait? But why did he go into

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Speaker 1: the hotel? Maybe so wait? I don't know. The one

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Speaker 1: time I saw a woman taking a dump and peeing

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Speaker 1: in the middle of the street. She was yelling. First,

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Speaker 1: she was saying take a picture, and all last longer.

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Speaker 1: Then she said, you don't want to let me in

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Speaker 1: your establishment to do my ship. I do my ship outside.

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Speaker 1: So I was like, okay, wow, how big daddy of her?

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Speaker 1: On behalf of the New York City Tourism Board, I'd

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Speaker 1: like to say, please come here. I saw some footage

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Speaker 1: last week from one of our friends Astra. She has

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Speaker 1: video of a guy pulling his put in broad daylight,

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Speaker 1: is sitting on the hood of a car and just

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Speaker 1: going back and forth in the middle of Times Square

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Speaker 1: where there are people in the middle of This all

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Speaker 1: happened while broad I was closed. Now the broadways open again,

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Speaker 1: we should be fine. Yeah. I was on the path

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Speaker 1: one day and there was a guy. He had on

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Speaker 1: kind of like a thick coat, but there was an

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Speaker 1: actual needle, like a like a heroine needle sticking out

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Speaker 1: of the coat. So I was like, hey, you have

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Speaker 1: like something jabbed your coat. He looked at me, cracked

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Speaker 1: out and goes, I'm saving that ship for later, that

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Speaker 1: needle stuck in your coat. Alright over. I had my

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Speaker 1: first moment the first semester in turning here because I

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Speaker 1: was walking to the bus stop and someone came up

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Speaker 1: to me and licked my cheek. He licked up the

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Speaker 1: side of my face, and when I said, what the hell,

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Speaker 1: he goes that's how I say, hello, Oh my gosh,

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Speaker 1: did you get tested for all sorts of stuff? I

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Speaker 1: said to my dad and he like looked into my eyes,

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Speaker 1: he goes, you're fine. Danielle didn't scary lick your cheek ones, No,

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Speaker 1: he licked my neck. That didn't somehow. Yeah, I threw

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Speaker 1: ship at his head there. But when I first went

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Speaker 1: into New York, I think I took the bus there

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Speaker 1: when I was younger, and I remember a guy as

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Speaker 1: soon as I got off the bus, he stuck his

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Speaker 1: face in the middle of my chest and he goes, wow,

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Speaker 1: look at those watermelons. And I was like, okay, this

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Speaker 1: is I'm getting back on the bus. I'm not gonna

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Speaker 1: happen these stories. You are totally entitled to just punch

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Speaker 1: that person. I think you're in shock though a lot

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Speaker 1: of times, and you just don't know what to do.

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Speaker 1: You're like, what, right. Well, I remember one time I

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Speaker 1: was walking across the street. I was going I think

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Speaker 1: we had an event in Madison Square Garden or something,

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Speaker 1: and I'm walking on, like crossing thirty second Street, and

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Speaker 1: the light changed, so then all this flood of people

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Speaker 1: crosses from both sides. As I'm halfway across the street.

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Speaker 1: This old woman is seriously old woman, probably in her seventies,

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Speaker 1: gray hair, carrying a bag with yarn in it. If

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Speaker 1: he gets down with a crouching stance like this, it

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Speaker 1: goes it punches me to punch me in the nuts.

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Speaker 1: I'm moving to the side quick enough that she punches

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Speaker 1: my thigh and I'm like, what the But it was

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Speaker 1: seriously one of these moments where you're like, did that

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Speaker 1: just fucking happen. It's the sound effect that has moved

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Speaker 1: you know. She was walking up and down the street

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Speaker 1: looking at crotches and going, this is the one that

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Speaker 1: really annoys crotch. I mean, it's New York. Nobody gives

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Speaker 1: a ship like. People just kept walking and I'm like,

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Speaker 1: do I hite this woman? And I just like, I

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Speaker 1: feel like, if you spend time in New York, you

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Speaker 1: gotta do what my dad used to tell me about softball.

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Speaker 1: He said, when you're on the field, you have to

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Speaker 1: know what you do with the ball before it comes

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Speaker 1: to you. Always have it in mine, so you have

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Speaker 1: to line up. You're okay. Next time I get almost

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Speaker 1: who odd in the nuts or someone tries to lick

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Speaker 1: my face, but turn around and punch them. Never in

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Speaker 1: my life did I think Mrs Doubtfire would try and

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Speaker 1: punch me in the balls. And I got a guy

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Speaker 1: getting off the path train one day and I was

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Speaker 1: just standing to wait waiting to get on and he

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Speaker 1: pinched my cheeks. I think I told you guys about this.

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Speaker 1: He pinched my cheeks, like both of them, right in

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Speaker 1: his hands, and he was like, chubby cheeks, love them

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Speaker 1: and just kept going And I was like, he didn't

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Speaker 1: really assault me, but he grabbed my face. Yeah, she

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Speaker 1: does have cute cheeks. Though, you can't blame the guy.

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Speaker 1: In all of your time coming to New York City

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Speaker 1: when you would come up to visit, did anything like

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Speaker 1: that happen? No? And that's I feel very left out now.

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Speaker 1: I felt like I still need to have that experience.

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Speaker 1: I've never seen anybody take a ship or jerk off.

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Speaker 1: I've never had anybody punched me in the balls walking

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Speaker 1: across thirty seconds street. Nothing. Nobody ever put their face

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Speaker 1: in my chest and staid nice or even leaves it

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Speaker 1: for that fact. Nobody put their face and said nice watermelons. Nothing,

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Speaker 1: that's crazy. Do you want us to arrange this next

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Speaker 1: time you visit? Like we could go on Craigslist and

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Speaker 1: find a nut puncher for you. I feel very left

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Speaker 1: out and very Unnew York. But isn't it still so

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Speaker 1: funny that all of us have these new York stories

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Speaker 1: and the craziest headlines still come out of Florida. There's

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Speaker 1: too much of this ship that comes out of New York.

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Speaker 1: I mean, for any of these stories, which would be

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Speaker 1: a headline eat Erie Pennsylvania, this ship happens, It's happening

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Speaker 1: right now. How are the people on the crutches like

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Speaker 1: that are begging for money? And then when the light turns.

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Speaker 1: I've seen them tuck the crutches underneath their armpits and

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Speaker 1: run to the next so that they can And I'm

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Speaker 1: just like, what, wait a minute, the amount of money

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Speaker 1: I have given I should own a basketball team somewhere

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Speaker 1: in the Tristate area. Yea, I'm always have a New

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Speaker 1: York story? Or does he not venture into the city often?

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Speaker 1: He was the woman, Yeah, but I will the next

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Speaker 1: time I see you know, I'm from the city, so

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Speaker 1: everything seems normal to me, Like all this stuff is

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Speaker 1: a guy laying on the subway steps jerking off in

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Speaker 1: the corners. It wouldn't it wouldn't phaze me. It just

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Speaker 1: it's like, Okay, it's New York. This fifteen million people

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Speaker 1: in the area. It doesn't it's just used to it.

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Speaker 1: It's like it's like froggy when when one of your

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Speaker 1: friends marries his cousin, it doesn't face you. No, I

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Speaker 1: still think it's wrong. No, No, I still think I don't.

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Speaker 1: I don't think they should be because like crazy stuff

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Speaker 1: happening outside the window, everybody, even the guys who are

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Speaker 1: born and raised in New York, New Jersey, runs to

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Speaker 1: the window to see what's happening. Those people are just Okay,

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Speaker 1: I've got something here, so let us. I want you

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Speaker 1: to each give your subway tip. Like when you're writing

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Speaker 1: the subway, what is one thing that you always do?

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Speaker 1: So one thing that I do? Okay, all right, hang on,

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Speaker 1: as soon as I step into the car, I take

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Speaker 1: a big sniff, take a bait, like if you're no seriously,

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Speaker 1: because everyone's in a while. You'll get in there and

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Speaker 1: there's human excrements. You never seen that? Are you kidding me?

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Speaker 1: You're talking about the ones that are on people already

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Speaker 1: or on the floor, on the floor. I have seen

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Speaker 1: that more times than I care to count, because there

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Speaker 1: would be times where I just get into a car

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Speaker 1: because I'm like, I just gotta standing here, and then

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Speaker 1: two seconds later the doors closing on what's that smell?

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Speaker 1: And then you see a pilot ship. So if you're

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Speaker 1: taking the New York City subway, take a big sniff

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Speaker 1: as you're walking in, because you do have a chance

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Speaker 1: to go to that next car, the number two, number

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Speaker 1: two train number two. I mean, mine simple, just don't

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Speaker 1: fall asleep ever. I I did it when I was

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Speaker 1: in high school. I woke up. I was coming from

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Speaker 1: the garden, supposed to get off at one of the

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Speaker 1: last stops in New York City to get back home

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Speaker 1: into Staten Island. Fell asleep, woke up in Brooklyn. And

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Speaker 1: when you don't know the train system, waking up in

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Speaker 1: Brooklyn is kind of scary because you're like, where the

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Speaker 1: hell am I? So don't fall asleep. My tip is

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Speaker 1: don't sit under the map because people are gonna be

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Speaker 1: in your face staring at the stops unless you like that,

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Speaker 1: unless you like they're gonna have their dicks in the

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Speaker 1: subway is usually like right, if you're sitting down, it's

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Speaker 1: like here and above, and then people are gonna have

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Speaker 1: to come up to you if they're looking where they're going.

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Speaker 1: Don't sit near the map. Mine is mine is don't

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Speaker 1: touch the pole. So whether no matter what happens, get

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Speaker 1: those calf those uh thigh muscles in shape, and do

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Speaker 1: not touch the poll because the jers on the pole

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Speaker 1: I can't even imagine. You don't look at anyone in

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Speaker 1: the eye either, yea yourself. Keep reading the signs above,

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Speaker 1: Just keep reading them over and over again. My tip

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Speaker 1: is take a screenshot on your phone of the New

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Speaker 1: York City subway map, and this way you have it

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Speaker 1: on your phone, you don't have to go over to

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Speaker 1: the seat where somebody's gonna hate you for staring at

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Speaker 1: the map like scary pointed out thing on your phone,

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Speaker 1: so that you can always look and see where you

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Speaker 1: are and what stop you're at. See I have bit

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Speaker 1: your resting face. Normally I understand that, but if I'm

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Speaker 1: on the subway alone, I intensify it so much because

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Speaker 1: I want everyone to think that I'm really mean and scary.

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Speaker 1: I feel like I get bothered less. Mine is more.

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Speaker 1: Somebody told me this when I first came here, and

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Speaker 1: I just stick to it all the time. Never ever,

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Speaker 1: especially if you are a woman, get into a car

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Speaker 1: where nobody else is in it, and if everybody gets off,

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Speaker 1: you get off too, and you wait for the next

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Speaker 1: turn to come by with people in the actual car,

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Speaker 1: because that's when the weird stuff goes down when you're

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Speaker 1: alone in a subway car. So I just texit if

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Speaker 1: I have to. Yeah, if I'm always nervous when I

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Speaker 1: see that door open, when the trains moving between stations

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Speaker 1: and then somebody comes from another car, which you're not

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Speaker 1: supposed to do. Yes, like, what's going to happen now?

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Speaker 1: And it's not. I always think like, oh, maybe it's

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Speaker 1: going to be like a surprise performance from the Jonas Brothers.

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Speaker 1: But too much challenge to challenge, much too much late night.

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Speaker 1: Those dancers are always so talented, but smell like death.

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Speaker 1: I really it has. Bernie said, Please come to New York.

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Speaker 1: It's great here for the subway. Don't buy the candy.

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Speaker 1: An words from you Diamond on riding the New York

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Speaker 1: City subway. Um, get on with your headphones on, but

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Speaker 1: don't play the music so people won't talk to you,

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Speaker 1: but you'll be able to hear every smart Uh. This

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Speaker 1: podcast sponsored by As Brodie said the New York City

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Speaker 1: Board of Tourism. Please, it's the greatest in the world.

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Speaker 1: Comes all right, are we done? Hey? Bye bye? Fifteen

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Speaker 1: minute morning show