1
00:00:05,240 --> 00:00:07,760
Speaker 1: Hey, this is Annie and Samantha, and welcome to stuff

2
00:00:07,760 --> 00:00:19,239
Speaker 1: I've never told you production I R Radio. Samantha. Did

3
00:00:19,239 --> 00:00:23,959
Speaker 1: you keep a diary or journal at all? I did.

4
00:00:24,560 --> 00:00:27,840
Speaker 1: We don't talked about this before. I kept a diary

5
00:00:28,000 --> 00:00:30,560
Speaker 1: for a very long time. I did more poems, so

6
00:00:30,600 --> 00:00:33,480
Speaker 1: I have a lot of poetry books more so than diaries.

7
00:00:33,920 --> 00:00:39,920
Speaker 1: I do have. And i'd laugh because but it was

8
00:00:39,960 --> 00:00:43,560
Speaker 1: beautifully written. When I was really religious and doing all

9
00:00:43,560 --> 00:00:45,800
Speaker 1: of the traveling in the mission work. And I say

10
00:00:45,840 --> 00:00:48,680
Speaker 1: mission work, I lived for a year at Children's Home

11
00:00:48,680 --> 00:00:53,240
Speaker 1: in Oklahoma, working with them and living on campus with them,

12
00:00:53,320 --> 00:00:55,720
Speaker 1: and I got to beat a lot of sweet people,

13
00:00:55,720 --> 00:00:59,080
Speaker 1: including a lot of people from the indigenous community because

14
00:00:59,080 --> 00:01:01,680
Speaker 1: they were near try Out that way, so I got

15
00:01:01,680 --> 00:01:05,479
Speaker 1: to meet a lot of amazing people. But I would

16
00:01:05,600 --> 00:01:08,560
Speaker 1: keep journals of that, and I also sent out newsletters

17
00:01:08,600 --> 00:01:11,560
Speaker 1: to people, which is super weird, and I got a

18
00:01:11,560 --> 00:01:13,560
Speaker 1: lot of responses about how it was an amazing writer.

19
00:01:13,680 --> 00:01:17,520
Speaker 1: So put that out there. I don't think I am,

20
00:01:17,640 --> 00:01:20,160
Speaker 1: but I think they love the flowery words that I

21
00:01:20,200 --> 00:01:22,920
Speaker 1: would meash with Bible verses, so I definitely did a

22
00:01:22,959 --> 00:01:26,480
Speaker 1: lot of that. I tried to do the single line

23
00:01:27,360 --> 00:01:30,000
Speaker 1: one line of day thing that did not work out

24
00:01:32,000 --> 00:01:34,640
Speaker 1: because you just gave up, because yeah, I lost it

25
00:01:34,720 --> 00:01:37,119
Speaker 1: during the pandemic, so I haven't taken it outside the house.

26
00:01:37,280 --> 00:01:38,919
Speaker 1: I just don't know where it is in my house.

27
00:01:39,640 --> 00:01:45,039
Speaker 1: That's I can relate to that. Yeah, what about you? Yes,

28
00:01:45,120 --> 00:01:48,320
Speaker 1: I did keep a diary. As you know, it is

29
00:01:48,360 --> 00:01:51,040
Speaker 1: a very popular story among my friend group. I had

30
00:01:51,040 --> 00:01:55,200
Speaker 1: a um bad run of pets, so I had a

31
00:01:55,200 --> 00:01:58,080
Speaker 1: lot of tragic pet deaths when I was growing up.

32
00:01:58,160 --> 00:02:01,720
Speaker 1: So every entry I could and laugh now, but every

33
00:02:01,840 --> 00:02:05,720
Speaker 1: entry would start with like, well Fluffy's gone. Didn't you

34
00:02:05,760 --> 00:02:08,880
Speaker 1: call him Katie? Just naming what they were. Yeah, well

35
00:02:08,919 --> 00:02:11,640
Speaker 1: one of my rabbit Fluffy, And then I had four Katie's,

36
00:02:11,639 --> 00:02:14,040
Speaker 1: and then I thought pair keeps, and I thought the

37
00:02:14,120 --> 00:02:18,040
Speaker 1: name Katie was cursed, so I named one Rebecca. But

38
00:02:18,080 --> 00:02:20,919
Speaker 1: Rebecca also died very quickly. I have to know, did

39
00:02:20,960 --> 00:02:22,840
Speaker 1: you name these after you to friends? And where they

40
00:02:22,880 --> 00:02:26,920
Speaker 1: worried after the fact. I don't recall naming them after

41
00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:28,880
Speaker 1: my friends, but it is popular that I did because

42
00:02:28,880 --> 00:02:33,639
Speaker 1: I thought I thought Katie was the coolest, and I thought, yeah,

43
00:02:33,880 --> 00:02:36,480
Speaker 1: so possibly, and Rebecca was a good friend of mine too,

44
00:02:36,840 --> 00:02:43,880
Speaker 1: so maybe unfortunately, and I believe I've shared this story

45
00:02:43,880 --> 00:02:48,919
Speaker 1: on the show before. I destroyed everything I wrote, whether

46
00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:51,640
Speaker 1: that was like books that I wrote or stories I

47
00:02:51,720 --> 00:02:55,880
Speaker 1: wrote from pretty much any time during my primary education,

48
00:02:55,960 --> 00:02:58,800
Speaker 1: so kindergarten to high school. I got rid of all

49
00:02:58,840 --> 00:03:01,120
Speaker 1: of them. And it makes me very sad because I

50
00:03:01,160 --> 00:03:03,760
Speaker 1: do think there would be some wonderfully embarrassing things that

51
00:03:03,800 --> 00:03:08,760
Speaker 1: I could uncover, but also just I think that it

52
00:03:08,800 --> 00:03:12,840
Speaker 1: could be telling to look back on some of the

53
00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:14,800
Speaker 1: entries and be like, Oh, you didn't know you were

54
00:03:14,800 --> 00:03:19,359
Speaker 1: struggling with this or just this like piece of who

55
00:03:19,400 --> 00:03:22,079
Speaker 1: I was that I hadn't accepted yet or didn't realize

56
00:03:22,960 --> 00:03:25,040
Speaker 1: what quite what was going on or what I was

57
00:03:25,080 --> 00:03:28,880
Speaker 1: wrestling with because I did keep I was pretty regular

58
00:03:29,240 --> 00:03:34,480
Speaker 1: in an updating my journal, our diary, whichever oh it was.

59
00:03:34,600 --> 00:03:37,040
Speaker 1: It had a unicorn on the front, had key. It

60
00:03:37,160 --> 00:03:41,720
Speaker 1: was cool mine too. I didn't have a unicorn, but

61
00:03:41,760 --> 00:03:44,520
Speaker 1: it definitely had the keys all that. I also did

62
00:03:44,520 --> 00:03:49,160
Speaker 1: a friends only file thing that also we'll see. The

63
00:03:49,200 --> 00:03:51,280
Speaker 1: thing is I still have the key and it's so flimsy,

64
00:03:51,320 --> 00:03:52,920
Speaker 1: like it would have been so easy to get into

65
00:03:52,920 --> 00:03:56,760
Speaker 1: that diary if somebody wanted to I'm just gonna click

66
00:03:56,840 --> 00:04:00,600
Speaker 1: paper clip. I think you could have literally just pride it.

67
00:04:02,400 --> 00:04:05,520
Speaker 1: But I thought it was really cool key around my neck.

68
00:04:06,200 --> 00:04:10,520
Speaker 1: It felt me, it did, it did, so I I

69
00:04:10,560 --> 00:04:13,120
Speaker 1: wanted to ask this, and before we get into the

70
00:04:13,160 --> 00:04:16,200
Speaker 1: episode of very quick trigger warning, a brief mention of

71
00:04:16,240 --> 00:04:19,160
Speaker 1: sexual trauma and eating disorders. Very brief, but just in case.

72
00:04:19,720 --> 00:04:22,680
Speaker 1: I wanted to talk about this because I have been

73
00:04:22,720 --> 00:04:27,400
Speaker 1: discussing my experience being queer and kind of claiming that

74
00:04:27,440 --> 00:04:31,000
Speaker 1: identity and the journey I've gone through with it, and

75
00:04:31,040 --> 00:04:35,520
Speaker 1: all the questions and looking back um and subscribing meaning

76
00:04:35,560 --> 00:04:37,960
Speaker 1: to things where I didn't understand at the time what

77
00:04:38,040 --> 00:04:40,200
Speaker 1: was going on, but now that I look back, like,

78
00:04:40,240 --> 00:04:44,440
Speaker 1: oh yeah, okay, you just didn't realize that you identified

79
00:04:44,480 --> 00:04:47,479
Speaker 1: in this way. And I'm gonna go ahead and say

80
00:04:47,480 --> 00:04:49,880
Speaker 1: to you, if you're like me and you connect so

81
00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:52,919
Speaker 1: hard with fictional characters, or you were like I, I

82
00:04:53,040 --> 00:04:55,200
Speaker 1: prefer this or this or this. This is a very

83
00:04:55,200 --> 00:05:00,520
Speaker 1: anti Statuck episode. So if you don't me, you can

84
00:05:00,560 --> 00:05:06,960
Speaker 1: click away. If you prefer Samantha that everybody wants to hear,

85
00:05:07,080 --> 00:05:10,960
Speaker 1: keep going, yes, okay, thank you. Well, several of you

86
00:05:11,000 --> 00:05:16,000
Speaker 1: have sent me messages asking all about this journey and

87
00:05:16,760 --> 00:05:18,520
Speaker 1: if I could ask me if I would share it

88
00:05:18,560 --> 00:05:20,520
Speaker 1: with you, and I'm always happy to share, and I

89
00:05:20,560 --> 00:05:23,599
Speaker 1: thought that I would just say it on podcast since

90
00:05:23,640 --> 00:05:27,920
Speaker 1: it is Pride months. This is the kind of edited

91
00:05:27,960 --> 00:05:33,320
Speaker 1: message I sent to our dear listener and friend Jamie,

92
00:05:33,680 --> 00:05:37,320
Speaker 1: who asked me about about my journey, was so supportive

93
00:05:37,360 --> 00:05:40,280
Speaker 1: and also open in her own So this is a

94
00:05:40,279 --> 00:05:43,400
Speaker 1: message that I sent to her, and I thought I

95
00:05:43,440 --> 00:05:48,039
Speaker 1: would just share it with everybody. So it feels like

96
00:05:48,040 --> 00:05:52,800
Speaker 1: reading a diary entry though it's a little weird, but

97
00:05:52,960 --> 00:05:57,080
Speaker 1: bear with me. I can't remember a time ever wanting

98
00:05:57,440 --> 00:05:59,599
Speaker 1: to have sex, and I never once had sex that

99
00:05:59,640 --> 00:06:02,360
Speaker 1: I want it to have. In high school, I pretended

100
00:06:02,760 --> 00:06:04,360
Speaker 1: I did want to have sex to fit in. I

101
00:06:04,400 --> 00:06:06,520
Speaker 1: thought that eventually it would kick in. That maybe I

102
00:06:06,600 --> 00:06:10,000
Speaker 1: was just like a late bloomer, as they say. I

103
00:06:10,080 --> 00:06:12,760
Speaker 1: also thought maybe I was just approved because I was

104
00:06:14,080 --> 00:06:16,760
Speaker 1: very religious at a time. I want too, so I

105
00:06:16,800 --> 00:06:20,159
Speaker 1: thought maybe I had just soaked up these messages and

106
00:06:20,200 --> 00:06:22,960
Speaker 1: I didn't realize it. And even though I think of

107
00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:26,520
Speaker 1: myself as a very liberal person, I had been raised

108
00:06:26,520 --> 00:06:29,720
Speaker 1: in a pretty conservative environment. Maybe I just absorbed all

109
00:06:29,760 --> 00:06:32,080
Speaker 1: that this was all complicated by the fact that there

110
00:06:32,080 --> 00:06:35,760
Speaker 1: were all these rumors that I was a slut flying around,

111
00:06:36,160 --> 00:06:38,599
Speaker 1: so people assumed I wanted to have a lot of

112
00:06:38,600 --> 00:06:40,360
Speaker 1: sex and that I had had a lot of sex,

113
00:06:41,040 --> 00:06:44,320
Speaker 1: and that was in part. I don't want to say

114
00:06:44,360 --> 00:06:47,520
Speaker 1: my fault, but I again, I would make these sexual

115
00:06:47,600 --> 00:06:50,560
Speaker 1: jokes because I wanted to fit in, and I was

116
00:06:50,680 --> 00:06:53,880
Speaker 1: kind of overcompensating because I really didn't want to have sex,

117
00:06:53,880 --> 00:06:56,720
Speaker 1: so I went over the top implying that I did.

118
00:06:57,160 --> 00:07:02,320
Speaker 1: I did the same thing, yeah, except I'm not ace,

119
00:07:02,400 --> 00:07:03,880
Speaker 1: But yes, I did the same thing as a kid.

120
00:07:03,960 --> 00:07:05,560
Speaker 1: I was trying to be cool. So I was a kid.

121
00:07:05,560 --> 00:07:07,560
Speaker 1: I knew all about sex, which was funny because I

122
00:07:07,600 --> 00:07:09,600
Speaker 1: didn't know anything about sex. Yeah, I had to look

123
00:07:09,640 --> 00:07:12,240
Speaker 1: up what sex was in an encyclopedia, and trust me,

124
00:07:12,280 --> 00:07:14,040
Speaker 1: that is not how you want to learn what it is.

125
00:07:15,320 --> 00:07:17,240
Speaker 1: I don't know. I asked my mom what a blowjob was,

126
00:07:17,280 --> 00:07:22,200
Speaker 1: and that was really uncomfortable. Oh I'm sure it was.

127
00:07:24,200 --> 00:07:27,040
Speaker 1: And yes, sometimes I did, and I still do, feel

128
00:07:27,040 --> 00:07:31,040
Speaker 1: an intense attraction to people, very rarely physical attraction. Usually

129
00:07:31,520 --> 00:07:34,680
Speaker 1: if that happens, it happens after the emotional attraction. But

130
00:07:35,040 --> 00:07:40,160
Speaker 1: not sexual, and like, sometimes I do like kissing and cuddling,

131
00:07:40,400 --> 00:07:42,280
Speaker 1: but I'm too afraid to do it because I feel

132
00:07:42,280 --> 00:07:44,440
Speaker 1: like it's going to escalate. And like I said in

133
00:07:44,440 --> 00:07:48,160
Speaker 1: a recent happy hour, I'm afraid I won't stand up

134
00:07:48,160 --> 00:07:51,160
Speaker 1: for myself or say I don't want this because I'm

135
00:07:51,200 --> 00:07:55,480
Speaker 1: so used to pleasing other people, but also doubting what

136
00:07:55,560 --> 00:07:59,200
Speaker 1: I my own self and knowing what I actually do want,

137
00:07:59,240 --> 00:08:02,360
Speaker 1: I will question and that too, like maybe you do

138
00:08:02,520 --> 00:08:04,000
Speaker 1: want this, I'm like, I don't think so, and then

139
00:08:04,160 --> 00:08:08,520
Speaker 1: that just becomes this loop that is not helpful. When

140
00:08:08,560 --> 00:08:10,680
Speaker 1: I got to college, I tried really hard to convince

141
00:08:10,720 --> 00:08:12,840
Speaker 1: myself I wanted to have sex or that I just

142
00:08:12,880 --> 00:08:16,040
Speaker 1: had to get over it and have sex with people

143
00:08:16,520 --> 00:08:18,440
Speaker 1: until I liked it. And this is when I started

144
00:08:18,480 --> 00:08:21,040
Speaker 1: dating men and women. But I always felt safer with

145
00:08:21,080 --> 00:08:23,760
Speaker 1: women because of my past with sexual abuse and trauma.

146
00:08:23,800 --> 00:08:27,000
Speaker 1: I thought maybe one day something would click, which sounds

147
00:08:27,000 --> 00:08:29,200
Speaker 1: so silly now that I've been doing years of therapy,

148
00:08:30,120 --> 00:08:33,240
Speaker 1: that one day it would just be fine. I did

149
00:08:33,240 --> 00:08:34,920
Speaker 1: a lot of things I didn't want to do because

150
00:08:34,920 --> 00:08:36,760
Speaker 1: of this, and that makes me really sad to agree

151
00:08:36,800 --> 00:08:39,200
Speaker 1: that that's one of the things that stakes with me.

152
00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:41,679
Speaker 1: I also was date raped in college, so I had

153
00:08:41,679 --> 00:08:43,480
Speaker 1: a new like I had a new trauma on top

154
00:08:43,520 --> 00:08:46,120
Speaker 1: of all this old trauma. So I thought, maybe that's

155
00:08:46,120 --> 00:08:48,240
Speaker 1: why I didn't want to have sex. And yeah, my

156
00:08:48,280 --> 00:08:49,920
Speaker 1: trauma goes back to like some of my first memories.

157
00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:51,319
Speaker 1: So I was like that, it has just been with

158
00:08:51,360 --> 00:08:53,600
Speaker 1: me this whole time, so how can I know for sure?

159
00:08:54,240 --> 00:08:56,240
Speaker 1: And I also realized that the eating disorder I had

160
00:08:56,600 --> 00:08:58,720
Speaker 1: messages with sex drive, so I thought it could be that.

161
00:08:59,760 --> 00:09:03,320
Speaker 1: But basically all of these doubts and questions. Then I

162
00:09:03,320 --> 00:09:06,360
Speaker 1: started as an intern on this very show back in

163
00:09:07,160 --> 00:09:10,240
Speaker 1: I had just graduated college, and we did an episode

164
00:09:10,280 --> 00:09:15,000
Speaker 1: on being ace and being a romantic and I remember thinking, huh,

165
00:09:15,040 --> 00:09:17,719
Speaker 1: that's the first I've heard about this other than sort

166
00:09:17,760 --> 00:09:21,600
Speaker 1: of yeah, joking misrepresentation of it, Like I have more

167
00:09:21,640 --> 00:09:24,520
Speaker 1: than one memory of being laughed at or hearing someone

168
00:09:24,559 --> 00:09:26,640
Speaker 1: else get laughed at when they would talk about it.

169
00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:29,280
Speaker 1: And I told my then boyfriend about it, and he

170
00:09:29,320 --> 00:09:31,400
Speaker 1: said it made him sad because he thought people who

171
00:09:31,400 --> 00:09:34,240
Speaker 1: identified that way were clearly damaged. And we broke up

172
00:09:34,280 --> 00:09:41,240
Speaker 1: soon after that. Okay, yeah, and I kept thinking about it,

173
00:09:41,280 --> 00:09:43,400
Speaker 1: but I was really torn about the intersection yeah, of

174
00:09:43,440 --> 00:09:47,439
Speaker 1: this sexual trauma and eating disorders and being a somewhere

175
00:09:47,480 --> 00:09:49,240
Speaker 1: that left me Also at the time, that was when

176
00:09:49,280 --> 00:09:53,040
Speaker 1: there was all this like I don't know if science

177
00:09:53,080 --> 00:09:54,800
Speaker 1: is the right word, but people were like, you know,

178
00:09:54,840 --> 00:09:57,439
Speaker 1: maybe we can just boost women's sex drive, as if

179
00:09:57,480 --> 00:10:00,360
Speaker 1: women just in general don't have a high enough sex drive,

180
00:10:00,440 --> 00:10:05,160
Speaker 1: instead of maybe asking other questions. And because my dad

181
00:10:05,200 --> 00:10:07,839
Speaker 1: was dying at that time, I wanted he wanted to

182
00:10:07,880 --> 00:10:11,560
Speaker 1: have grandkids. I wanted that for him. At the time

183
00:10:11,920 --> 00:10:13,720
Speaker 1: of my stablings, I was the one that had the

184
00:10:13,720 --> 00:10:16,680
Speaker 1: best shot. And because our society does tell us that

185
00:10:16,760 --> 00:10:20,160
Speaker 1: success equal stable relationship and or kids, and your value

186
00:10:20,160 --> 00:10:23,360
Speaker 1: as a woman is desirability, I tried so hard, so

187
00:10:23,480 --> 00:10:27,320
Speaker 1: hard to make relationship work, and I felt incredibly guilty

188
00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:29,640
Speaker 1: that I never wanted sex. And I reached the point

189
00:10:29,720 --> 00:10:33,320
Speaker 1: I really couldn't even have sex without having a massive

190
00:10:33,320 --> 00:10:36,040
Speaker 1: panic attack, Like it almost never happened because it would

191
00:10:36,080 --> 00:10:40,240
Speaker 1: like come time and I would freak out. And when

192
00:10:40,240 --> 00:10:42,280
Speaker 1: my last boyfriend and I broke up, he said, like,

193
00:10:42,360 --> 00:10:45,559
Speaker 1: I can feel myself beginning to resent you. And one

194
00:10:45,559 --> 00:10:48,760
Speaker 1: of the things about that is I was resenting myself too.

195
00:10:50,000 --> 00:10:53,280
Speaker 1: Because I knew. I knew that that was a piece

196
00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:56,200
Speaker 1: that was missing, and that I was We didn't communicate

197
00:10:56,200 --> 00:10:58,520
Speaker 1: about it openly, and that was on both of us.

198
00:10:58,520 --> 00:11:03,440
Speaker 1: But I was just internalizing all of this stuff and

199
00:11:03,520 --> 00:11:06,840
Speaker 1: thinking of how how he sees me and avoiding the

200
00:11:06,880 --> 00:11:12,040
Speaker 1: topic at all costs, which isn't healthy. And yeah, we

201
00:11:12,040 --> 00:11:14,679
Speaker 1: we thought, both of us thought that eventually i'd get

202
00:11:14,679 --> 00:11:16,520
Speaker 1: there again, that it might just go away, that maybe

203
00:11:16,520 --> 00:11:20,320
Speaker 1: I would want to have sex one day, And yeah,

204
00:11:20,400 --> 00:11:22,560
Speaker 1: now I've come to realize that that was not the case,

205
00:11:23,360 --> 00:11:26,320
Speaker 1: and that I shouldn't have tried to force it. I

206
00:11:26,320 --> 00:11:28,680
Speaker 1: don't really blame either of us because we were younger

207
00:11:29,440 --> 00:11:31,680
Speaker 1: and I didn't know. I do think we both could

208
00:11:31,679 --> 00:11:35,760
Speaker 1: have communicated way better, but I don't. That's just where

209
00:11:35,760 --> 00:11:39,480
Speaker 1: we were in that time. But yes, sex is not

210
00:11:39,559 --> 00:11:42,160
Speaker 1: something I want to really think about, even though I

211
00:11:42,200 --> 00:11:44,880
Speaker 1: do sometimes wish it was, and sometimes I still want

212
00:11:44,920 --> 00:11:48,360
Speaker 1: other aspects of a physical relationship. Mostly I just want

213
00:11:48,360 --> 00:11:51,439
Speaker 1: a companion that I can kiss and cuddle and occasionally

214
00:11:51,440 --> 00:11:54,079
Speaker 1: feel up. But my trust issues are so severe it's

215
00:11:54,080 --> 00:11:56,960
Speaker 1: gonna take a long time before I reached that point.

216
00:11:57,000 --> 00:12:00,400
Speaker 1: If I ever ever reached that point, I like to

217
00:12:00,440 --> 00:12:03,520
Speaker 1: believe being in a healthy relationship as an asexual person exists,

218
00:12:03,960 --> 00:12:06,560
Speaker 1: And I will put in here Jamie, who I was

219
00:12:06,840 --> 00:12:10,200
Speaker 1: corresponding with with this, she is a good example of that.

220
00:12:10,400 --> 00:12:12,160
Speaker 1: She has found that and I know that it does exist.

221
00:12:12,640 --> 00:12:14,559
Speaker 1: So this is also a couple of years old when

222
00:12:14,559 --> 00:12:16,880
Speaker 1: I wrote this, so it's interesting to see how I've

223
00:12:16,960 --> 00:12:21,200
Speaker 1: changed even from this. But yeah, I've felt like something's

224
00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:23,360
Speaker 1: wrong with me my entire life, and I've done so

225
00:12:23,440 --> 00:12:25,240
Speaker 1: much that I wished I had him to fit in.

226
00:12:25,720 --> 00:12:28,839
Speaker 1: So knowing that there are others out there like me,

227
00:12:29,160 --> 00:12:32,800
Speaker 1: it's hugely validating. And to this day it blows my

228
00:12:32,880 --> 00:12:34,240
Speaker 1: mind that I was willing to get married and have

229
00:12:34,360 --> 00:12:36,960
Speaker 1: kids with someone I wasn't in love with to please

230
00:12:37,000 --> 00:12:42,160
Speaker 1: my dad. And even to this day, I'm both scared

231
00:12:42,200 --> 00:12:44,880
Speaker 1: bi sexual attraction and feel like I need it to

232
00:12:44,960 --> 00:12:46,559
Speaker 1: prove my worth and that sends me in a very

233
00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:49,480
Speaker 1: dark cycle. And at this the time I was writing this,

234
00:12:49,520 --> 00:12:51,960
Speaker 1: I had recently had a friend of my family's say

235
00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:54,400
Speaker 1: she was married to someone who didn't want to have

236
00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:56,920
Speaker 1: sex and how sad that made her, and how that

237
00:12:57,679 --> 00:12:59,360
Speaker 1: something had to be wrong with him and that's why

238
00:12:59,400 --> 00:13:02,600
Speaker 1: they broke up. And that cultural association between love and

239
00:13:02,640 --> 00:13:04,240
Speaker 1: sex has been one that I have been struggling with.

240
00:13:04,280 --> 00:13:06,960
Speaker 1: I've been talking about on this very show, just because

241
00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:09,800
Speaker 1: that's how it's commonly depicted, and that's that makes me

242
00:13:09,840 --> 00:13:12,360
Speaker 1: feel like a failure, like I owe someone something or

243
00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:14,400
Speaker 1: else I'm just a tease or it's not love, and

244
00:13:14,440 --> 00:13:18,000
Speaker 1: I know that's not true. I know it's not true. Um,

245
00:13:18,040 --> 00:13:21,680
Speaker 1: And you can't have healthy relationships without sex, and even

246
00:13:21,800 --> 00:13:26,319
Speaker 1: romantic relationships without sex. It's just been it's a lot

247
00:13:26,360 --> 00:13:29,440
Speaker 1: of stuff I have to unlearn, right, and you're not

248
00:13:29,480 --> 00:13:35,520
Speaker 1: the only one. Just even without identifying as aces, it's

249
00:13:35,600 --> 00:13:39,120
Speaker 1: still a complication in trying to understand the implications of

250
00:13:39,160 --> 00:13:43,320
Speaker 1: sex and what that means, and it's it has become

251
00:13:43,520 --> 00:13:49,440
Speaker 1: such as a holdover, especially for young girls and just

252
00:13:49,520 --> 00:13:52,720
Speaker 1: people in general who feel vulnerable when it comes to

253
00:13:52,800 --> 00:13:57,800
Speaker 1: what that means, and oftentimes the misconceptions that usually benefit

254
00:13:57,840 --> 00:14:02,079
Speaker 1: men and harm one in general. Um. And then again,

255
00:14:02,120 --> 00:14:07,040
Speaker 1: our value is still undermined by what someone else's attraction

256
00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:10,840
Speaker 1: to them. It's just such a gross aspect in general,

257
00:14:11,000 --> 00:14:14,680
Speaker 1: and it has led into a whole societal failing. Yeah,

258
00:14:14,760 --> 00:14:16,559
Speaker 1: but we're not gonna get into all that, but yeah,

259
00:14:16,640 --> 00:14:19,200
Speaker 1: I'm not. I'm very proud of who you are and

260
00:14:19,280 --> 00:14:21,280
Speaker 1: I think you have done a phenomenal job of being

261
00:14:21,640 --> 00:14:24,560
Speaker 1: an example for others and the honesty that comes out

262
00:14:24,800 --> 00:14:28,080
Speaker 1: is just as much of working progress for everyone else

263
00:14:28,320 --> 00:14:31,520
Speaker 1: who are trying to learn anything about themselves in general.

264
00:14:31,520 --> 00:14:34,760
Speaker 1: And it's been beautiful. Well, I am proud of who

265
00:14:34,800 --> 00:14:41,560
Speaker 1: you are to submit the yeah, yeah, and I, like

266
00:14:41,640 --> 00:14:43,600
Speaker 1: I said at that happy hour, we did something. I'm

267
00:14:43,600 --> 00:14:47,880
Speaker 1: still learning and I still have questions and I you

268
00:14:48,080 --> 00:14:52,040
Speaker 1: listeners have just been so helpful for all of this.

269
00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:55,200
Speaker 1: And when I hear from someone who's like, oh you've

270
00:14:55,240 --> 00:14:58,520
Speaker 1: You've helped me, hearing your story helped me, that is

271
00:14:58,680 --> 00:15:02,120
Speaker 1: that's what this is all about. UH is so amazing

272
00:15:02,320 --> 00:15:04,440
Speaker 1: and I'm so happy that we can connect on that way,

273
00:15:05,080 --> 00:15:08,360
Speaker 1: um and find community in that way. So that being said,

274
00:15:08,480 --> 00:15:11,720
Speaker 1: thank you so much for listening to my story. We

275
00:15:11,840 --> 00:15:15,360
Speaker 1: always really appreciate hearing from you. If you would like

276
00:15:15,440 --> 00:15:18,000
Speaker 1: to contact as, you can our email Stuff Media mom

277
00:15:18,040 --> 00:15:20,040
Speaker 1: Stuff at ihart media dot com. You can find us

278
00:15:20,040 --> 00:15:21,600
Speaker 1: on Instagram and Stuff I've Never Told You or on

279
00:15:21,640 --> 00:15:24,000
Speaker 1: Twitter at mom Stuff Podcast. Thanks as always to a

280
00:15:24,080 --> 00:15:27,960
Speaker 1: super producer Christina We're always proud of YouTube. Yes yes,

281
00:15:28,360 --> 00:15:30,600
Speaker 1: and thanks to you for listening stuff I've never told you.

282
00:15:30,680 --> 00:15:32,600
Speaker 1: Protection of I heart Radio. For more podcast from I

283
00:15:32,640 --> 00:15:34,800
Speaker 1: heart Radio is the I heart Radio app, Apple podcast,

284
00:15:34,840 --> 00:15:36,480
Speaker 1: or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.