WEBVTT - American Filth Live! 0:00:08.245 --> 0:00:14.325 School of Humans. Hello, filth heads, how are you guys doing? 0:00:14.925 --> 0:00:15.005 So? 0:00:15.205 --> 0:00:19.565 Today's episode is our recording of American Filth Live. Again, 0:00:19.605 --> 0:00:21.405 thank you so much to everyone who came out. We 0:00:21.445 --> 0:00:23.965 had a really good time. And the thing about the 0:00:24.005 --> 0:00:27.605 episode is it's very silly. We have some interviews, we 0:00:27.725 --> 0:00:30.605 have some fake advertisements, we have a lot of stuff 0:00:30.645 --> 0:00:33.485 going on. So if you don't want to listen to 0:00:33.565 --> 0:00:37.085 this version of the episode, we will be making this 0:00:37.245 --> 0:00:40.405 also a regular episode that will come out next week, 0:00:40.485 --> 0:00:42.925 so it will be like the same content, but without 0:00:42.965 --> 0:00:47.405 all the tomfoolery. Also, by the way, American Filth Live 0:00:47.565 --> 0:00:50.085 was in June, so when I reference it's Pride Month, 0:00:50.165 --> 0:00:52.525 that's what I'm talking about. I know it's no longer 0:00:52.605 --> 0:00:56.205 Pride Month, but it was recorded in June. Just you 0:00:56.205 --> 0:00:59.005 guys know that. And again, yes, we'll have this content 0:00:59.165 --> 0:01:03.405 next week, but in the regular episode format. So I 0:01:03.445 --> 0:01:06.685 hope you guys enjoy American Filth Live. 0:01:09.405 --> 0:01:12.325 And now it's time for American Filth. 0:01:12.725 --> 0:01:15.325 Put your hands together for your host, Gabby Watts. 0:01:27.365 --> 0:01:29.405 Julia is this Mike on hell? Yes, give it up 0:01:29.405 --> 0:01:34.125 for Julia and the back everyone, We give it up 0:01:34.125 --> 0:01:37.285 for yourself. And before we start actually, can I invite 0:01:37.325 --> 0:01:42.325 the the flag up on stage? Everyone, let's stand for 0:01:42.365 --> 0:01:48.285 the Pledge of Allegiance. I'm just kidding up, We're not 0:01:48.325 --> 0:01:55.525 gonna do it, Okay, all right everyone, It's Pride Month. 0:01:55.605 --> 0:01:58.365 So of course it's important not just to yasify our lives, 0:01:58.405 --> 0:02:02.365 but also to yasify American history and American filth is 0:02:02.405 --> 0:02:05.445 all about looking through history at a with a bict 0:02:05.565 --> 0:02:10.405 actual revisionist lens. So we have prepared a academically rigorous 0:02:10.405 --> 0:02:14.285 presentation called gay or Nay Okay, where we're gonna look 0:02:14.325 --> 0:02:16.645 back at historical figures and ask if they were gay 0:02:17.525 --> 0:02:22.205 or nay. This is very important historical work. So first up, 0:02:22.605 --> 0:02:28.805 Alexander Hamilton. Give it up for Alexander Hamilton. Why would 0:02:28.845 --> 0:02:31.525 he be gay? Well, he had a very intimate friendship 0:02:31.565 --> 0:02:34.365 with a man named John Lawrence. Sure this was common 0:02:34.365 --> 0:02:38.125 in the era where dudes would have so called romantic friendships. 0:02:38.445 --> 0:02:41.765 But that sounds pretty freaking gay, am I right? Here's 0:02:41.805 --> 0:02:45.285 an example of their gayness. In seventeen seventy nine, Alexander 0:02:45.325 --> 0:02:47.445 Hamilton wrote this to John Lawrence. 0:02:47.725 --> 0:02:50.205 I wish my dear Lawrence, that i'm it might be 0:02:50.205 --> 0:02:53.965 in my power by action rather than words to convince 0:02:54.005 --> 0:02:54.285 you that. 0:02:54.245 --> 0:02:59.245 I love you men, loving men. Give it up for that. Okay. 0:03:01.925 --> 0:03:04.485 Actually he was probably by though, because he also liked 0:03:04.485 --> 0:03:08.325 to cheat on his wife with other women. Yay men, yay, okay. 0:03:08.405 --> 0:03:11.445 Up next we got George Washington. Why would the big 0:03:11.525 --> 0:03:14.765 GW be gay? Well, he's definitely an ally because he 0:03:14.885 --> 0:03:17.765 encouraged Hamilton and Lawrence to share a bunk during the 0:03:17.845 --> 0:03:21.485 Revolutionary War. He was like, y'all should definitely sleep together 0:03:21.525 --> 0:03:26.125 in this teeny tiny little bit. And there's this one 0:03:26.245 --> 0:03:29.965 activist in historian who actually thinks Washington himself was gay. 0:03:30.245 --> 0:03:31.885 This is what this historian wrote. 0:03:32.405 --> 0:03:34.565 In the case of Washington, he was a big queen. 0:03:34.645 --> 0:03:36.605 Basically, he decorated everything. 0:03:36.645 --> 0:03:38.925 He designed all the uniforms. I mean he even had 0:03:38.965 --> 0:03:44.125 opinions on the buttons. Oooh, that is rigorous historical analysis. 0:03:44.405 --> 0:03:47.245 If a man has a passion for interior design and fashion, 0:03:47.325 --> 0:03:51.205 he must be gay. Aha. Is it homophobic? Maybe? Okay? 0:03:52.245 --> 0:03:55.645 Up next, we got Benjamin Franklin. Benjamin Franklin, he was 0:03:55.685 --> 0:03:59.245 a great communicator. He held really great party parties. He 0:03:59.365 --> 0:04:05.645 was also, this is very suspicious, an ambassador to France gay. Okay. 0:04:06.525 --> 0:04:09.165 He was also responsible for the first male same sex 0:04:09.205 --> 0:04:12.125 love story to be published in North America. He was like, 0:04:12.165 --> 0:04:14.205 these stories are so hot and the world needs to 0:04:14.205 --> 0:04:17.245 get off to them. Ooh, Julie, I gotta do the 0:04:17.245 --> 0:04:21.445 awuga s. She's our sound effects too. So was he gay? 0:04:21.485 --> 0:04:21.725 Really? 0:04:21.765 --> 0:04:23.605 He was more of an ally. He liked to support 0:04:23.645 --> 0:04:26.645 gay people by reading gay porn. Isn't that nice? Give 0:04:26.685 --> 0:04:33.365 it up for Benjamin Franklin. Lastly, we got this other guy. 0:04:33.405 --> 0:04:36.005 His name is Baron Friedrich von Steuben. He was a 0:04:36.045 --> 0:04:39.365 Prussian military man hired by George Washington to whip the 0:04:39.405 --> 0:04:42.565 Continental Army into shape during the darkest days of the 0:04:42.565 --> 0:04:46.645 Revolutionary War. They were super tired, overworked, and losing the war. 0:04:46.965 --> 0:04:49.765 But then von Steuben showed up and was like, wake up, girlies, 0:04:49.805 --> 0:04:53.925 it's time to work, bitch. That's a direct quote. Anyway. 0:04:54.605 --> 0:04:56.925 He's known for his bravery and discipline and the grit 0:04:56.965 --> 0:04:59.765 he brought to the American troops, and historians believe that 0:04:59.805 --> 0:05:02.205 he lived as an openly gay man in the military 0:05:02.285 --> 0:05:05.045 at a time when sodomy was a crime, a crime 0:05:05.085 --> 0:05:07.965 of pa USI. And that's so convenient that we brought 0:05:08.045 --> 0:05:11.085 u von Steuben, because he's who the episode is about today. Wow, 0:05:11.125 --> 0:05:15.325 how convenient. He's our gay Prussian military king who whipped 0:05:15.325 --> 0:05:17.485 our American boys into shape so that they could fight 0:05:17.525 --> 0:05:20.445 the British. So how did this Prussian suck his way 0:05:20.485 --> 0:05:23.765 over to America? Let's take a look. But first we 0:05:23.885 --> 0:05:26.845 have a revamped version of the theme song and our 0:05:27.085 --> 0:05:28.925 we have a special guest who is going to do 0:05:29.005 --> 0:05:30.765 some dancing along with it, and he needs a lot 0:05:30.805 --> 0:05:32.845 of room. Oh no, he already tumbled over. So Flag, 0:05:32.885 --> 0:05:34.685 will you come back on stage for a second? Give 0:05:34.685 --> 0:07:01.605 it up for Flag. Friedrich Wilhelm von Steuben was born 0:07:01.685 --> 0:07:07.165 September seventeen, seventeen thirty in Mondeburgh, Russia. His full name 0:07:07.285 --> 0:07:11.685 was Frijich Wilhelm Ludolf Gerhard Augustin and von Steuben, but 0:07:11.765 --> 0:07:14.765 later in life he changed into something much more manageable 0:07:15.125 --> 0:07:20.525 to Frijich Wilhelm Augustus Henry Ferdinand von Steuben. Von Steuben 0:07:20.605 --> 0:07:23.445 came from a genteel military family, so he grew up 0:07:23.485 --> 0:07:26.605 loving war. When he was just fourteen years old, his 0:07:26.685 --> 0:07:28.685 dad took him to the Siege of Prague because it 0:07:28.765 --> 0:07:32.805 was bring your son to ward day. You might say 0:07:32.925 --> 0:07:36.805 loving war. That sounds pretty heterosexual. But what do you 0:07:36.885 --> 0:07:40.645 do in war? Hang out with men, train with men, 0:07:40.725 --> 0:07:45.405 fight with men, ergo touch lots of man ass and 0:07:45.445 --> 0:07:49.925 fence with your bulging swords. Anyway, Von Steuben got his 0:07:49.925 --> 0:07:52.245 first salary job in the Prussian army when he was 0:07:52.285 --> 0:07:55.605 sixteen years old in seventeen forty six. But he really 0:07:55.645 --> 0:07:59.365 started slaying like ten years in during the Seven Years 0:07:59.445 --> 0:08:02.205 War when he was fun fact which was fun fact 0:08:03.125 --> 0:08:07.725 seven years okay. But since von Sdewen was so good 0:08:07.725 --> 0:08:11.405 at war, he was promoted to a prestigious regiment, which 0:08:11.405 --> 0:08:13.925 is how he met the Prussian King Frederick the Great, 0:08:14.365 --> 0:08:17.405 and also Frederick the Great's brother, Prince Henry. Henry and 0:08:17.485 --> 0:08:20.685 von Steuw had became lifelong friends. And the thing about 0:08:20.725 --> 0:08:23.405 these two royal brothers where they were as gay as 0:08:23.525 --> 0:08:28.565 unicorns on paupers. Yeah, LGBTQ needs a p for Prussian 0:08:30.205 --> 0:08:33.285 King Frederick the Gay only liked male courtiers. He liked 0:08:33.285 --> 0:08:36.165 homo erotic art and he one time wrote a letter 0:08:36.205 --> 0:08:40.245 to his secretary, who was French, which again gay, and 0:08:40.285 --> 0:08:41.245 the letter said. 0:08:41.045 --> 0:08:45.925 This miss emeroids Seliu affect Vodkovij and Julia. 0:08:46.005 --> 0:08:46.685 What does that mean? 0:08:46.965 --> 0:08:50.445 It means my hemorrhoids affectionately greet your cock. 0:08:50.685 --> 0:08:56.325 M So, yes, there's a lot of evidence that points 0:08:56.365 --> 0:08:59.205 to King Frederick being a bit of a homo. Okay, 0:09:00.165 --> 0:09:01.965 so von Steuben. He was around a lot of gay 0:09:02.165 --> 0:09:05.405 energy and you, as we all know, being gay is contagious. 0:09:07.845 --> 0:09:10.005 At the end of the Seven Years War in seventeen 0:09:10.085 --> 0:09:12.445 sixty three, King Frederick the gay, I mean the great 0:09:12.885 --> 0:09:15.925 sir an elite school. And one of those soldiers who 0:09:15.965 --> 0:09:19.485 got into the elite school was von Steuben. But all 0:09:19.525 --> 0:09:22.765 of a sudden, for reasons unknown, von Steuben was kicked 0:09:22.765 --> 0:09:26.325 out of the school and discharged from the army. What happened? 0:09:26.445 --> 0:09:29.445 He was the top dog and now he's the bottom bitch. 0:09:30.405 --> 0:09:32.645 This is all that von Steuben had to say about it. 0:09:32.925 --> 0:09:35.525 My command is in my thoughtful King took notice of 0:09:35.565 --> 0:09:38.245 me and preferred me on my service in the Seven 0:09:38.285 --> 0:09:38.765 Years War. 0:09:38.805 --> 0:09:40.605 I have no reason to be ashamed. 0:09:41.125 --> 0:09:43.525 At the close of this war, the rancor of an 0:09:43.565 --> 0:09:48.765 implacable enemy frustrated my expectations of an appropriate reward. To 0:09:48.805 --> 0:09:51.925 say it, in one word, I found myself compelled to 0:09:52.045 --> 0:09:53.285 quit the Prussian service. 0:09:55.245 --> 0:09:57.685 Why does von Seuan have a British accent? We don't 0:09:57.725 --> 0:10:02.125 know anyway. This is so mysterious. Who is this implacable enemy. 0:10:02.605 --> 0:10:05.325 Some historians think that King Frederick the Gay forced Von 0:10:05.525 --> 0:10:08.285 Steuben to leave. And I know what you guys are thinking. 0:10:08.605 --> 0:10:12.125 Could they have been gay lovers and had a lover's quarrel? Yes, 0:10:12.165 --> 0:10:14.565 that would be perfect for the HBO Max adaptation of 0:10:14.565 --> 0:10:18.845 this live American filth episode, but unfortunately no real historian 0:10:18.845 --> 0:10:22.045 has suggested that. But as a Fakensurian, I am proposing 0:10:22.125 --> 0:10:26.045 that is exactly what happened. But von Steuben, our gay 0:10:26.085 --> 0:10:28.845 little soldier, he was in a tough spot. He lost 0:10:28.845 --> 0:10:31.325 his job and he didn't have any other skills except 0:10:31.365 --> 0:10:34.805 for war. He got another job working with another random 0:10:34.845 --> 0:10:37.725 prince and was essentially demoted from a soldier who might 0:10:37.765 --> 0:10:41.205 one day be a general to a prince's babysitter. And 0:10:41.245 --> 0:10:43.485 he did this for eleven years, all while dreaming about 0:10:43.485 --> 0:10:46.805 his time on the battlefield, watching those sweaty asses and 0:10:46.925 --> 0:10:48.605 tight chaps kill each other. 0:10:48.845 --> 0:10:49.005 Hmm. 0:10:50.125 --> 0:10:52.685 Finally, in seventeen seventy five, when von Steuben was like 0:10:52.725 --> 0:10:55.285 forty five, the prince he was working for ran out 0:10:55.285 --> 0:10:57.645 of money, and Von Steuben was like, I guess I'll 0:10:57.645 --> 0:11:00.325 go back to pursuing my dream of becoming a heroic general. 0:11:01.285 --> 0:11:13.605 Enter Benjamin fucking' Franklin, the ally, the reader of gay porn. Yeah, 0:11:13.885 --> 0:11:19.605 that was basically at Theodore. That's good. Ah. So Benjamin Franklin, 0:11:19.645 --> 0:11:21.845 he was in France because he was looking for mercenaries 0:11:21.845 --> 0:11:24.965 to hire for the American Revolution. Okay. So Von Steuben 0:11:25.005 --> 0:11:26.525 he was like, I'm gonna go to Paris. I'm gonna 0:11:26.525 --> 0:11:29.645 meet up with Benjamin Franklin and try to be a mercenary. Okay. 0:11:30.205 --> 0:11:32.205 So he went to Paris. He met with the French 0:11:32.205 --> 0:11:34.405 war minister who was like, don't tell anyone, but we 0:11:34.445 --> 0:11:40.125 also belting the Americans bag at the croissant, etc. And 0:11:40.125 --> 0:11:42.165 then Von Steuben went to go meet up with Franklin, 0:11:42.165 --> 0:11:44.805 who was very impressed with Von Steuben. He was like, yeah, 0:11:44.805 --> 0:11:46.845 you got some good chops that we be needed in 0:11:46.925 --> 0:11:50.805 America right now. The war isn't going well. But then 0:11:51.045 --> 0:11:55.805 Franklin was like, unfortunately, we cannot pay you, saw we mah. 0:11:56.845 --> 0:11:59.165 But Von Steuben was desperate. He was like, hey, I 0:11:59.205 --> 0:12:02.405 will work for free, just promise me that the Congress 0:12:02.445 --> 0:12:06.645 will reimburse me later if we win. Franklin was like Nope, 0:12:06.725 --> 0:12:09.605 can't guarantee that either, and we can't pay for your 0:12:09.645 --> 0:12:12.085 travels to America either, but if you'll come and do 0:12:12.125 --> 0:12:15.605 it all for free, come and join us. This pissed 0:12:15.645 --> 0:12:17.565 off on Steuben, and he wrote this. 0:12:18.325 --> 0:12:20.405 He told me that with an air and matter to 0:12:20.445 --> 0:12:23.125 which I was little accustomed, and immediately I took my 0:12:23.245 --> 0:12:24.685 leave without further explanation. 0:12:25.085 --> 0:12:27.805 I was disgusted by Franklin's declaration. 0:12:29.165 --> 0:12:31.965 On Steuben left in a huff, rejecting the offer to 0:12:32.005 --> 0:12:37.085 work for free. Not very American of him, ugh, But see, 0:12:37.085 --> 0:12:40.285 the Americans needed help. The Prussian armies were awesome at war. 0:12:40.445 --> 0:12:43.125 Von Steuben had a lot of great experience, and by comparison, 0:12:43.125 --> 0:12:47.565 the American army fucking sucked. Okay, So, just to get 0:12:47.565 --> 0:12:49.805 a sense of how the American Revolution was going at 0:12:49.805 --> 0:12:52.085 the time, in the State of the American Army, we 0:12:52.125 --> 0:12:55.405 actually have a very special guest. Okay, everyone put your 0:12:55.445 --> 0:13:23.765 hands together, introducing come on, clap it up. Martha Washington. Hey, hey, hey, Martha. 0:13:24.325 --> 0:13:26.245 Tis I Martha Washington. 0:13:27.565 --> 0:13:32.605 It is tis an authentic representation of Martha Washington. Everyone 0:13:32.725 --> 0:13:35.405 you a tea to a tea? Oh you guys don't 0:13:35.485 --> 0:13:38.005 like tea, do you? Because you know the Boston Done. 0:13:38.045 --> 0:13:42.165 Never mind, Okay, too soon, too soon, I'm so sorry. 0:13:43.245 --> 0:13:45.925 All right, Martha Washington, as we all know, you're the 0:13:45.925 --> 0:13:49.445 wife of George Washington, and he's obviously a big part 0:13:49.605 --> 0:13:52.005 of the American Revolution. So I was just wondering, how 0:13:52.085 --> 0:13:52.845 is he doing? 0:13:53.445 --> 0:13:53.965 I get it. 0:13:54.045 --> 0:13:56.005 Okay, all right, this is what happens when you're married 0:13:56.045 --> 0:14:00.285 to a celebrity. Okay, it's always hey, Martha, where's George. 0:14:00.405 --> 0:14:03.485 It's never hey Martha. How are you doing? 0:14:05.245 --> 0:14:06.925 Martha? How are you doing? I'm so thank you for 0:14:07.005 --> 0:14:09.525 asking what's been going on with you? 0:14:10.485 --> 0:14:16.285 Well, while I'm not enjoying some waves of consumption or 0:14:16.765 --> 0:14:21.805 normalized domestic abuse, I do have my baking and my 0:14:21.965 --> 0:14:24.965 sewing circles and my louding parties. 0:14:26.525 --> 0:14:28.685 That's opium. 0:14:28.725 --> 0:14:31.165 Some people think that, they say, Martha, I think you 0:14:31.245 --> 0:14:33.405 have an opium problem. The only problem I have with 0:14:33.445 --> 0:14:35.485 opium is there's never enough opium. 0:14:37.045 --> 0:14:40.205 Ah, That's what they always say, especially in Ohio. U. 0:14:41.085 --> 0:14:44.085 So I also here with your sewing business. You're sorry, 0:14:44.885 --> 0:14:47.805 starting a sewing business, and what are you actually making? 0:14:48.045 --> 0:14:48.245 Well? 0:14:48.245 --> 0:14:51.965 The thing is that war is expensive. As you know, 0:14:52.165 --> 0:14:55.565 it is a privilege to raise war. So now what 0:14:55.605 --> 0:14:57.685 we I have to do in my sewing circles. Is 0:14:57.725 --> 0:15:01.645 I'm actually making badger breeves. It's some briefs for the 0:15:01.685 --> 0:15:09.445 soldiers made out of badgers. H well, what, well, the 0:15:09.445 --> 0:15:11.525 thing is is that the badger seem to be plentiful. 0:15:11.725 --> 0:15:15.885 You know that India is not just known for its 0:15:15.885 --> 0:15:21.205 silks and it's tantric sex, It's also known for its spices. 0:15:21.365 --> 0:15:22.085 Okay, so you. 0:15:22.045 --> 0:15:24.925 Put a little cumin on your bloomers, and the badgers 0:15:25.005 --> 0:15:25.525 just love that. 0:15:25.605 --> 0:15:28.485 It's something that something about the pheromones. 0:15:28.805 --> 0:15:30.805 And then you just bam, You just catch them a 0:15:30.885 --> 0:15:34.845 little badger snatch right there, and they and they lusom 0:15:34.885 --> 0:15:35.325 to sleep. 0:15:35.605 --> 0:15:38.045 You just keep holding them like a lobster in water, 0:15:38.205 --> 0:15:39.005 and they just go. 0:15:40.405 --> 0:15:42.685 And then you turn that into some badger briefs and 0:15:42.685 --> 0:15:45.405 you got yourself a sustainable undergarment. 0:15:46.405 --> 0:15:50.245 Wow, we love sustainability. Thank you. So going back to 0:15:50.285 --> 0:15:52.685 the war just a little bit. I so the conditions 0:15:52.685 --> 0:15:56.365 at Valley Forge aren't great. Apparently the soldiers are wearing rags, 0:15:56.405 --> 0:15:59.605 there's hardly any food, they don't have very functional weapons. 0:15:59.885 --> 0:16:01.485 Cal what's your take on all of that. 0:16:01.605 --> 0:16:05.285 Well, it is difficult to keep up morale for the soldiers. 0:16:06.245 --> 0:16:09.205 George I sort of think of like George is like 0:16:09.245 --> 0:16:12.725 their daddy, and so that makes me like their mommy, 0:16:13.285 --> 0:16:16.325 and so well, you know you know what that means. 0:16:16.645 --> 0:16:18.885 I don't got to take care of them. What does 0:16:18.925 --> 0:16:20.325 that mean? Oh? 0:16:20.365 --> 0:16:23.365 Well, sometimes I have the soldiers dress up in George's 0:16:23.405 --> 0:16:26.525 wig and see if they can survive the winter in 0:16:26.605 --> 0:16:28.925 Valley Forge badger snatch. 0:16:31.445 --> 0:16:34.245 That's interesting. That didn't make any sense, but I appreciate it. 0:16:34.285 --> 0:16:37.885 Martha Dimension, Where's Opium World? We don't and we didn't 0:16:37.925 --> 0:16:40.205 have a budget for that for the show today. But 0:16:40.645 --> 0:16:42.325 I also hear you've been doing some baking. 0:16:42.925 --> 0:16:43.925 Oh yes, bacon. 0:16:44.085 --> 0:16:46.285 Actually, I have one of my samples right here. 0:16:46.565 --> 0:16:49.725 Oh thank god, my delicious little sample. That's right. 0:16:49.805 --> 0:16:54.045 This is one of my home baked home baked BlackBerry 0:16:54.085 --> 0:16:55.285 blackbird pie. 0:16:55.845 --> 0:16:56.685 What's it made out of? 0:16:56.885 --> 0:17:01.245 These blackberries and blackbirds? It's all one. 0:17:01.325 --> 0:17:04.325 It's an original recipe that I stole from the people 0:17:04.365 --> 0:17:06.165 I own e'xtil. 0:17:06.245 --> 0:17:09.005 Great. Well, yeah, I kind of want to talk to 0:17:09.045 --> 0:17:10.525 you about that, because I mean, there's that sort of 0:17:10.605 --> 0:17:12.925 hypocrisy where y'all are fighting for independence, but at the 0:17:12.925 --> 0:17:16.245 same time you and George actually have enslaved people. So 0:17:16.245 --> 0:17:18.605 how do you kind of like reconcile that. 0:17:18.885 --> 0:17:22.285 Okay, listen, slow down, all right, Joan of Arc, where's 0:17:22.365 --> 0:17:24.605 the fire too soon? 0:17:24.925 --> 0:17:29.365 All right? Listen, One revolution at a time, Okay. I 0:17:29.725 --> 0:17:30.725 here's what I'm thinking. 0:17:30.925 --> 0:17:35.205 After we fight and when our independence, then I'm certain. 0:17:35.485 --> 0:17:38.405 I am sure, mark my words, there will be a 0:17:38.445 --> 0:17:42.845 windfall of justice and equality and freedom for those people. 0:17:43.165 --> 0:17:46.045 I bet it's gonna be a good time twelve years 0:17:46.085 --> 0:17:48.125 of slay. 0:17:48.805 --> 0:17:50.285 I can say that because I own people. 0:17:53.525 --> 0:17:55.565 Well, I guess, Martha, I want to do one last thing. 0:17:55.805 --> 0:17:57.445 I hear you've been giving a lot of pep talks 0:17:57.485 --> 0:17:58.885 to the soldiers. I was wondering if you could give 0:17:58.925 --> 0:18:00.845 us an example of one of those. That's right. 0:18:01.045 --> 0:18:05.045 You know, it's important to have a little little motivation, 0:18:05.205 --> 0:18:10.485 right your troops. We're no strangers to live. You know 0:18:10.605 --> 0:18:15.525 the rules, and so do I. There once was a 0:18:15.605 --> 0:18:20.885 man from Nantucket whose pie was so good you could 0:18:20.965 --> 0:18:24.565 fuck it. So he took out his member and this 0:18:24.765 --> 0:18:27.965 pie he did enter, and then he told the British 0:18:28.005 --> 0:18:34.405 to suck it. Yeah, let's get out there and get troops. 0:18:34.885 --> 0:18:38.325 Everyone, please give it up for Martha Washington and her exquisite. 0:18:40.245 --> 0:18:45.525 Please hate your pie. And that's the freedom we're all 0:18:45.605 --> 0:18:51.525 fighting for, isn't it. Yes, God bless America. Ah, let's 0:18:51.525 --> 0:18:54.965 get back to von Steuben. Okay, well it does, sure 0:18:55.045 --> 0:18:56.645 it does sound based on what Martha was saying, it 0:18:56.645 --> 0:18:59.205 does seem like the American armies need some help. But 0:18:59.365 --> 0:19:01.485 von Steuben again, he didn't want to work for free. 0:19:01.845 --> 0:19:03.685 So what he did is he applied to work at 0:19:03.725 --> 0:19:07.205 another royal court. But before he could get the job, 0:19:07.485 --> 0:19:12.365 he got canceled his old employer that Prince had received 0:19:12.365 --> 0:19:15.845 an anonymous letter that claimed that Baron von Steuben had 0:19:15.885 --> 0:19:19.925 been diddling young boys. And if I was editing this 0:19:20.045 --> 0:19:23.405 episode as usual, I would add the thunderclap sound effects. 0:19:23.445 --> 0:19:30.445 So Julia, please do a thunderclap? Can you do it? Louder? Okay, great, 0:19:30.485 --> 0:19:34.285 thank you Trulia. So yes, von Steuben is being accused 0:19:34.285 --> 0:19:37.045 of being a pedophile. I don't like that. I will 0:19:37.045 --> 0:19:40.005 take a stand and say I am very much against pedophiles. 0:19:40.045 --> 0:19:45.765 Thank you, thank you, thank you. But let's remember back then, 0:19:45.845 --> 0:19:49.965 most people saw homosexuality as a nasty perversion, unlike now 0:19:49.965 --> 0:19:54.365 when everyone is okay with it. And throughout history, people 0:19:54.365 --> 0:19:57.685 have unfairly linked being gay with being a pedo, But 0:19:57.805 --> 0:20:02.125 there's no evidence that von Steuben molested little boys. Okay, 0:20:02.565 --> 0:20:05.725 yes he did have relationships with much younger men, but 0:20:05.765 --> 0:20:07.925 they never fell into the age range where that was 0:20:07.965 --> 0:20:11.725 like majorly ichy. It was just sometimes like somewhat uncomfortable. 0:20:13.205 --> 0:20:15.365 So when bon Steuben saw this letter, he was like, 0:20:15.485 --> 0:20:19.045 fuck it, I'm going to America to work for free, 0:20:20.485 --> 0:20:29.165 and we'll be right back after these soothing advertisements. 0:20:31.005 --> 0:20:34.685 Do you love drinking moonshine? 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Take the 0:21:16.565 --> 0:21:19.445 edge right off and get that baby right out with 0:21:19.925 --> 0:21:20.645 beaver beef. 0:21:21.445 --> 0:21:34.805 I'm beIN Franklin. I love sex, and I approve this message, 0:21:35.845 --> 0:21:40.765 dear Diary. It's me Benjamin Franklin. Today I created the electricity, 0:21:41.165 --> 0:21:44.285 not just with a key and a kite. Oh hello, 0:21:44.365 --> 0:21:47.525 American films listener. I didn't see you there, but oh 0:21:47.685 --> 0:21:49.925 you like this fancy pain I'm writing with. It's a 0:21:49.925 --> 0:21:54.565 proper quill, actually from quialescence. Quileescence is the perfect quill 0:21:54.805 --> 0:21:57.165 for all your writing needs, whether you need to write 0:21:57.205 --> 0:21:59.965 an almanac or sign a brady little document like the 0:22:00.045 --> 0:22:04.285 Declaration of Independence. Its feather is also great for tickling 0:22:04.325 --> 0:22:08.005 the chins of pretty girls. Oh and that reminds me. 0:22:08.485 --> 0:22:12.405 In our newly declared United States, we must chivalrously increase 0:22:12.445 --> 0:22:16.445 the age of consent to ten. I am such a 0:22:16.485 --> 0:22:19.365 good person. But you know where this payment has come 0:22:19.405 --> 0:22:21.725 in handy the most when I wrote letters to my 0:22:21.765 --> 0:22:26.045 wife in Philadelphia as I jaunted about Europe for ten years. Yes, 0:22:26.285 --> 0:22:28.525 I didn't see her for more than a decade, and 0:22:28.605 --> 0:22:31.445 without qualescence I wouldn't have been able to write letters 0:22:31.445 --> 0:22:34.485 home saying things like sorry, wife, I won't be back 0:22:34.525 --> 0:22:38.005 for Christmas, or sorry, wife, that stroke you just wrote 0:22:38.045 --> 0:22:42.525 me about sounds most unpleasant, or oh she's dead dratt. 0:22:43.045 --> 0:22:47.445 Thanks Quialescence, you really helped. I'm Benjamin Franklin and I 0:22:47.525 --> 0:23:03.965 hate my wife and I approved this message. Oh listen. 0:23:05.565 --> 0:23:09.685 Until men and physicians of our fair colonies rejoice. Mister 0:23:09.725 --> 0:23:14.325 ben Franklin, our beloved tinkerer of all things peculiar and practical, 0:23:14.605 --> 0:23:21.165 presents his latest marvel, the flexible catheter. I know what 0:23:21.165 --> 0:23:22.165 you're thinking, catheter. 0:23:22.285 --> 0:23:26.805 I hardly know her no, but seriously, gone are the 0:23:26.885 --> 0:23:31.005 days of grimacing in agony Louder than a town crier sticking. 0:23:30.725 --> 0:23:34.565 Rigid tubes up your peahole. This wondrous contraption is as 0:23:34.605 --> 0:23:37.245 supper as a willow twig and as reliable as a 0:23:37.245 --> 0:23:41.325 good almanac. It promises sweet relief from the torment of 0:23:41.405 --> 0:23:46.205 all types of bladder obstructions. Expertly crafted for comfort by 0:23:46.245 --> 0:23:51.245 your local silversmith, this catheter slides in smoothly, sparing your 0:23:51.285 --> 0:23:54.725 delicate parts the rough treatment of your Just don't let 0:23:54.805 --> 0:23:58.085 those hinges pinch your peepee. Available now from the Good 0:23:58.085 --> 0:24:02.085 Inventor's Philadelphia office, where prompt service and a hearty dose 0:24:02.085 --> 0:24:03.565 of Franklin's wit awaits you. 0:24:04.965 --> 0:24:08.325 I've been Franklin and I have fyphilis, and I approved 0:24:08.325 --> 0:24:19.125 this message. 0:24:20.285 --> 0:24:26.525 Oh stop it, okay. So, before von Steuben arrived in America, 0:24:26.605 --> 0:24:30.205 Benjamin Franklin did some rebranding for the baron. He was, 0:24:30.245 --> 0:24:33.125 like von Steuben. He was in the personal service of 0:24:33.205 --> 0:24:36.085 King Frederick the Great. He was a general. But we 0:24:36.125 --> 0:24:38.285 all know he was actually not a general and was 0:24:38.365 --> 0:24:39.325 kicked out of the army. 0:24:39.565 --> 0:24:41.365 But sh where are rebranding? 0:24:41.725 --> 0:24:44.125 Go with it? But why did he come to America. 0:24:44.165 --> 0:24:46.245 It was definitely not because he ran out of money 0:24:46.245 --> 0:24:49.005 and was chased out of Prussia for alleged pedophilia. It's 0:24:49.045 --> 0:24:52.805 just because he's so passionate about the American cause. Still, 0:24:53.005 --> 0:24:55.525 when he arrived, George Washington was a bit skeptical of 0:24:55.605 --> 0:24:58.485 von Steuben. He probably knew the real reason why Von 0:24:58.525 --> 0:25:01.205 Steuben left Prussia and that he was a little bit gay. 0:25:02.165 --> 0:25:04.765 And when von Steuben arrived at Valley Forge, he had 0:25:04.765 --> 0:25:09.165 with him three very gay items, an Italian greyhound, a 0:25:09.165 --> 0:25:12.845 Parisian cheft, and the gayest thing of all, an actor. 0:25:14.925 --> 0:25:17.645 This actor was his personal assistant, a seventeen year old 0:25:17.845 --> 0:25:20.205 who was also rumored to be his lover. So, yes, 0:25:20.285 --> 0:25:24.405 that is a bit young, but not like little boy young. Okay, 0:25:25.565 --> 0:25:30.325 oh shit. Anyway, Von Steuben hardly spoke any English, so 0:25:30.485 --> 0:25:32.405 Washington was like, I guess we need to get you 0:25:32.445 --> 0:25:35.645