Speaker 1: School of Humans. Hello, filth heads, how are you guys doing?
Speaker 2: So?
Speaker 1: Today's episode is our recording of American Filth Live. Again,
Speaker 1: thank you so much to everyone who came out. We
Speaker 1: had a really good time. And the thing about the
Speaker 1: episode is it's very silly. We have some interviews, we
Speaker 1: have some fake advertisements, we have a lot of stuff
Speaker 1: going on. So if you don't want to listen to
Speaker 1: this version of the episode, we will be making this
Speaker 1: also a regular episode that will come out next week,
Speaker 1: so it will be like the same content, but without
Speaker 1: all the tomfoolery. Also, by the way, American Filth Live
Speaker 1: was in June, so when I reference it's Pride Month,
Speaker 1: that's what I'm talking about. I know it's no longer
Speaker 1: Pride Month, but it was recorded in June. Just you
Speaker 1: guys know that. And again, yes, we'll have this content
Speaker 1: next week, but in the regular episode format. So I
Speaker 1: hope you guys enjoy American Filth Live.
Speaker 3: And now it's time for American Filth.
Speaker 2: Put your hands together for your host, Gabby Watts.
Speaker 1: Julia is this Mike on hell? Yes, give it up
Speaker 1: for Julia and the back everyone, We give it up
Speaker 1: for yourself. And before we start actually, can I invite
Speaker 1: the the flag up on stage? Everyone, let's stand for
Speaker 1: the Pledge of Allegiance. I'm just kidding up, We're not
Speaker 1: gonna do it, Okay, all right everyone, It's Pride Month.
Speaker 1: So of course it's important not just to yasify our lives,
Speaker 1: but also to yasify American history and American filth is
Speaker 1: all about looking through history at a with a bict
Speaker 1: actual revisionist lens. So we have prepared a academically rigorous
Speaker 1: presentation called gay or Nay Okay, where we're gonna look
Speaker 1: back at historical figures and ask if they were gay
Speaker 1: or nay. This is very important historical work. So first up,
Speaker 1: Alexander Hamilton. Give it up for Alexander Hamilton. Why would
Speaker 1: he be gay? Well, he had a very intimate friendship
Speaker 1: with a man named John Lawrence. Sure this was common
Speaker 1: in the era where dudes would have so called romantic friendships.
Speaker 1: But that sounds pretty freaking gay, am I right? Here's
Speaker 1: an example of their gayness. In seventeen seventy nine, Alexander
Speaker 1: Hamilton wrote this to John Lawrence.
Speaker 2: I wish my dear Lawrence, that i'm it might be
Speaker 2: in my power by action rather than words to convince
Speaker 2: you that.
Speaker 1: I love you men, loving men. Give it up for that. Okay.
Speaker 1: Actually he was probably by though, because he also liked
Speaker 1: to cheat on his wife with other women. Yay men, yay, okay.
Speaker 1: Up next we got George Washington. Why would the big
Speaker 1: GW be gay? Well, he's definitely an ally because he
Speaker 1: encouraged Hamilton and Lawrence to share a bunk during the
Speaker 1: Revolutionary War. He was like, y'all should definitely sleep together
Speaker 1: in this teeny tiny little bit. And there's this one
Speaker 1: activist in historian who actually thinks Washington himself was gay.
Speaker 1: This is what this historian wrote.
Speaker 4: In the case of Washington, he was a big queen.
Speaker 2: Basically, he decorated everything.
Speaker 1: He designed all the uniforms. I mean he even had
Speaker 1: opinions on the buttons. Oooh, that is rigorous historical analysis.
Speaker 1: If a man has a passion for interior design and fashion,
Speaker 1: he must be gay. Aha. Is it homophobic? Maybe? Okay?
Speaker 1: Up next, we got Benjamin Franklin. Benjamin Franklin, he was
Speaker 1: a great communicator. He held really great party parties. He
Speaker 1: was also, this is very suspicious, an ambassador to France gay. Okay.
Speaker 1: He was also responsible for the first male same sex
Speaker 1: love story to be published in North America. He was like,
Speaker 1: these stories are so hot and the world needs to
Speaker 1: get off to them. Ooh, Julie, I gotta do the
Speaker 1: awuga s. She's our sound effects too. So was he gay?
Speaker 5: Really?
Speaker 1: He was more of an ally. He liked to support
Speaker 1: gay people by reading gay porn. Isn't that nice? Give
Speaker 1: it up for Benjamin Franklin. Lastly, we got this other guy.
Speaker 1: His name is Baron Friedrich von Steuben. He was a
Speaker 1: Prussian military man hired by George Washington to whip the
Speaker 1: Continental Army into shape during the darkest days of the
Speaker 1: Revolutionary War. They were super tired, overworked, and losing the war.
Speaker 1: But then von Steuben showed up and was like, wake up, girlies,
Speaker 1: it's time to work, bitch. That's a direct quote. Anyway.
Speaker 1: He's known for his bravery and discipline and the grit
Speaker 1: he brought to the American troops, and historians believe that
Speaker 1: he lived as an openly gay man in the military
Speaker 1: at a time when sodomy was a crime, a crime
Speaker 1: of pa USI. And that's so convenient that we brought
Speaker 1: u von Steuben, because he's who the episode is about today. Wow,
Speaker 1: how convenient. He's our gay Prussian military king who whipped
Speaker 1: our American boys into shape so that they could fight
Speaker 1: the British. So how did this Prussian suck his way
Speaker 1: over to America? Let's take a look. But first we
Speaker 1: have a revamped version of the theme song and our
Speaker 1: we have a special guest who is going to do
Speaker 1: some dancing along with it, and he needs a lot
Speaker 1: of room. Oh no, he already tumbled over. So Flag,
Speaker 1: will you come back on stage for a second? Give
Speaker 1: it up for Flag. Friedrich Wilhelm von Steuben was born
Speaker 1: September seventeen, seventeen thirty in Mondeburgh, Russia. His full name
Speaker 1: was Frijich Wilhelm Ludolf Gerhard Augustin and von Steuben, but
Speaker 1: later in life he changed into something much more manageable
Speaker 1: to Frijich Wilhelm Augustus Henry Ferdinand von Steuben. Von Steuben
Speaker 1: came from a genteel military family, so he grew up
Speaker 1: loving war. When he was just fourteen years old, his
Speaker 1: dad took him to the Siege of Prague because it
Speaker 1: was bring your son to ward day. You might say
Speaker 1: loving war. That sounds pretty heterosexual. But what do you
Speaker 1: do in war? Hang out with men, train with men,
Speaker 1: fight with men, ergo touch lots of man ass and
Speaker 1: fence with your bulging swords. Anyway, Von Steuben got his
Speaker 1: first salary job in the Prussian army when he was
Speaker 1: sixteen years old in seventeen forty six. But he really
Speaker 1: started slaying like ten years in during the Seven Years
Speaker 1: War when he was fun fact which was fun fact
Speaker 1: seven years okay. But since von Sdewen was so good
Speaker 1: at war, he was promoted to a prestigious regiment, which
Speaker 1: is how he met the Prussian King Frederick the Great,
Speaker 1: and also Frederick the Great's brother, Prince Henry. Henry and
Speaker 1: von Steuw had became lifelong friends. And the thing about
Speaker 1: these two royal brothers where they were as gay as
Speaker 1: unicorns on paupers. Yeah, LGBTQ needs a p for Prussian
Speaker 1: King Frederick the Gay only liked male courtiers. He liked
Speaker 1: homo erotic art and he one time wrote a letter
Speaker 1: to his secretary, who was French, which again gay, and
Speaker 1: the letter said.
Speaker 4: This miss emeroids Seliu affect Vodkovij and Julia.
Speaker 1: What does that mean?
Speaker 2: It means my hemorrhoids affectionately greet your cock.
Speaker 1: M So, yes, there's a lot of evidence that points
Speaker 1: to King Frederick being a bit of a homo. Okay,
Speaker 1: so von Steuben. He was around a lot of gay
Speaker 1: energy and you, as we all know, being gay is contagious.
Speaker 1: At the end of the Seven Years War in seventeen
Speaker 1: sixty three, King Frederick the gay, I mean the great
Speaker 1: sir an elite school. And one of those soldiers who
Speaker 1: got into the elite school was von Steuben. But all
Speaker 1: of a sudden, for reasons unknown, von Steuben was kicked
Speaker 1: out of the school and discharged from the army. What happened?
Speaker 1: He was the top dog and now he's the bottom bitch.
Speaker 1: This is all that von Steuben had to say about it.
Speaker 6: My command is in my thoughtful King took notice of
Speaker 6: me and preferred me on my service in the Seven
Speaker 6: Years War.
Speaker 1: I have no reason to be ashamed.
Speaker 6: At the close of this war, the rancor of an
Speaker 6: implacable enemy frustrated my expectations of an appropriate reward. To
Speaker 6: say it, in one word, I found myself compelled to
Speaker 6: quit the Prussian service.
Speaker 1: Why does von Seuan have a British accent? We don't
Speaker 1: know anyway. This is so mysterious. Who is this implacable enemy.
Speaker 1: Some historians think that King Frederick the Gay forced Von
Speaker 1: Steuben to leave. And I know what you guys are thinking.
Speaker 1: Could they have been gay lovers and had a lover's quarrel? Yes,
Speaker 1: that would be perfect for the HBO Max adaptation of
Speaker 1: this live American filth episode, but unfortunately no real historian
Speaker 1: has suggested that. But as a Fakensurian, I am proposing
Speaker 1: that is exactly what happened. But von Steuben, our gay
Speaker 1: little soldier, he was in a tough spot. He lost
Speaker 1: his job and he didn't have any other skills except
Speaker 1: for war. He got another job working with another random
Speaker 1: prince and was essentially demoted from a soldier who might
Speaker 1: one day be a general to a prince's babysitter. And
Speaker 1: he did this for eleven years, all while dreaming about
Speaker 1: his time on the battlefield, watching those sweaty asses and
Speaker 1: tight chaps kill each other.
Speaker 5: Hmm.
Speaker 1: Finally, in seventeen seventy five, when von Steuben was like
Speaker 1: forty five, the prince he was working for ran out
Speaker 1: of money, and Von Steuben was like, I guess I'll
Speaker 1: go back to pursuing my dream of becoming a heroic general.
Speaker 1: Enter Benjamin fucking' Franklin, the ally, the reader of gay porn. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that was basically at Theodore. That's good. Ah. So Benjamin Franklin,
Speaker 1: he was in France because he was looking for mercenaries
Speaker 1: to hire for the American Revolution. Okay. So Von Steuben
Speaker 1: he was like, I'm gonna go to Paris. I'm gonna
Speaker 1: meet up with Benjamin Franklin and try to be a mercenary. Okay.
Speaker 1: So he went to Paris. He met with the French
Speaker 1: war minister who was like, don't tell anyone, but we
Speaker 1: also belting the Americans bag at the croissant, etc. And
Speaker 1: then Von Steuben went to go meet up with Franklin,
Speaker 1: who was very impressed with Von Steuben. He was like, yeah,
Speaker 1: you got some good chops that we be needed in
Speaker 1: America right now. The war isn't going well. But then
Speaker 1: Franklin was like, unfortunately, we cannot pay you, saw we mah.
Speaker 1: But Von Steuben was desperate. He was like, hey, I
Speaker 1: will work for free, just promise me that the Congress
Speaker 1: will reimburse me later if we win. Franklin was like Nope,
Speaker 1: can't guarantee that either, and we can't pay for your
Speaker 1: travels to America either, but if you'll come and do
Speaker 1: it all for free, come and join us. This pissed
Speaker 1: off on Steuben, and he wrote this.
Speaker 2: He told me that with an air and matter to
Speaker 2: which I was little accustomed, and immediately I took my
Speaker 2: leave without further explanation.
Speaker 6: I was disgusted by Franklin's declaration.
Speaker 1: On Steuben left in a huff, rejecting the offer to
Speaker 1: work for free. Not very American of him, ugh, But see,
Speaker 1: the Americans needed help. The Prussian armies were awesome at war.
Speaker 1: Von Steuben had a lot of great experience, and by comparison,
Speaker 1: the American army fucking sucked. Okay, So, just to get
Speaker 1: a sense of how the American Revolution was going at
Speaker 1: the time, in the State of the American Army, we
Speaker 1: actually have a very special guest. Okay, everyone put your
Speaker 1: hands together, introducing come on, clap it up. Martha Washington. Hey, hey, hey, Martha.
Speaker 7: Tis I Martha Washington.
Speaker 1: It is tis an authentic representation of Martha Washington. Everyone
Speaker 1: you a tea to a tea? Oh you guys don't
Speaker 1: like tea, do you? Because you know the Boston Done.
Speaker 1: Never mind, Okay, too soon, too soon, I'm so sorry.
Speaker 1: All right, Martha Washington, as we all know, you're the
Speaker 1: wife of George Washington, and he's obviously a big part
Speaker 1: of the American Revolution. So I was just wondering, how
Speaker 1: is he doing?
Speaker 7: I get it.
Speaker 8: Okay, all right, this is what happens when you're married
Speaker 8: to a celebrity. Okay, it's always hey, Martha, where's George.
Speaker 7: It's never hey Martha. How are you doing?
Speaker 1: Martha? How are you doing? I'm so thank you for
Speaker 1: asking what's been going on with you?
Speaker 8: Well, while I'm not enjoying some waves of consumption or
Speaker 8: normalized domestic abuse, I do have my baking and my
Speaker 8: sewing circles and my louding parties.
Speaker 7: That's opium.
Speaker 8: Some people think that, they say, Martha, I think you
Speaker 8: have an opium problem. The only problem I have with
Speaker 8: opium is there's never enough opium.
Speaker 1: Ah, That's what they always say, especially in Ohio. U.
Speaker 1: So I also here with your sewing business. You're sorry,
Speaker 1: starting a sewing business, and what are you actually making?
Speaker 7: Well?
Speaker 8: The thing is that war is expensive. As you know,
Speaker 8: it is a privilege to raise war. So now what
Speaker 8: we I have to do in my sewing circles. Is
Speaker 8: I'm actually making badger breeves. It's some briefs for the
Speaker 8: soldiers made out of badgers. H well, what, well, the
Speaker 8: thing is is that the badger seem to be plentiful.
Speaker 8: You know that India is not just known for its
Speaker 8: silks and it's tantric sex, It's also known for its spices.
Speaker 7: Okay, so you.
Speaker 8: Put a little cumin on your bloomers, and the badgers
Speaker 8: just love that.
Speaker 7: It's something that something about the pheromones.
Speaker 8: And then you just bam, You just catch them a
Speaker 8: little badger snatch right there, and they and they lusom
Speaker 8: to sleep.
Speaker 7: You just keep holding them like a lobster in water,
Speaker 7: and they just go.
Speaker 8: And then you turn that into some badger briefs and
Speaker 8: you got yourself a sustainable undergarment.
Speaker 1: Wow, we love sustainability. Thank you. So going back to
Speaker 1: the war just a little bit. I so the conditions
Speaker 1: at Valley Forge aren't great. Apparently the soldiers are wearing rags,
Speaker 1: there's hardly any food, they don't have very functional weapons.
Speaker 1: Cal what's your take on all of that.
Speaker 8: Well, it is difficult to keep up morale for the soldiers.
Speaker 8: George I sort of think of like George is like
Speaker 8: their daddy, and so that makes me like their mommy,
Speaker 8: and so well, you know you know what that means.
Speaker 1: I don't got to take care of them. What does
Speaker 1: that mean? Oh?
Speaker 8: Well, sometimes I have the soldiers dress up in George's
Speaker 8: wig and see if they can survive the winter in
Speaker 8: Valley Forge badger snatch.
Speaker 1: That's interesting. That didn't make any sense, but I appreciate it.
Speaker 1: Martha Dimension, Where's Opium World? We don't and we didn't
Speaker 1: have a budget for that for the show today. But
Speaker 1: I also hear you've been doing some baking.
Speaker 7: Oh yes, bacon.
Speaker 8: Actually, I have one of my samples right here.
Speaker 7: Oh thank god, my delicious little sample. That's right.
Speaker 8: This is one of my home baked home baked BlackBerry
Speaker 8: blackbird pie.
Speaker 1: What's it made out of?
Speaker 7: These blackberries and blackbirds? It's all one.
Speaker 8: It's an original recipe that I stole from the people
Speaker 8: I own e'xtil.
Speaker 1: Great. Well, yeah, I kind of want to talk to
Speaker 1: you about that, because I mean, there's that sort of
Speaker 1: hypocrisy where y'all are fighting for independence, but at the
Speaker 1: same time you and George actually have enslaved people. So
Speaker 1: how do you kind of like reconcile that.
Speaker 8: Okay, listen, slow down, all right, Joan of Arc, where's
Speaker 8: the fire too soon?
Speaker 7: All right? Listen, One revolution at a time, Okay. I
Speaker 7: here's what I'm thinking.
Speaker 8: After we fight and when our independence, then I'm certain.
Speaker 8: I am sure, mark my words, there will be a
Speaker 8: windfall of justice and equality and freedom for those people.
Speaker 8: I bet it's gonna be a good time twelve years
Speaker 8: of slay.
Speaker 7: I can say that because I own people.
Speaker 1: Well, I guess, Martha, I want to do one last thing.
Speaker 1: I hear you've been giving a lot of pep talks
Speaker 1: to the soldiers. I was wondering if you could give
Speaker 1: us an example of one of those. That's right.
Speaker 8: You know, it's important to have a little little motivation,
Speaker 8: right your troops. We're no strangers to live. You know
Speaker 8: the rules, and so do I. There once was a
Speaker 8: man from Nantucket whose pie was so good you could
Speaker 8: fuck it. So he took out his member and this
Speaker 8: pie he did enter, and then he told the British
Speaker 8: to suck it. Yeah, let's get out there and get troops.
Speaker 1: Everyone, please give it up for Martha Washington and her exquisite.
Speaker 1: Please hate your pie. And that's the freedom we're all
Speaker 1: fighting for, isn't it. Yes, God bless America. Ah, let's
Speaker 1: get back to von Steuben. Okay, well it does, sure
Speaker 1: it does sound based on what Martha was saying, it
Speaker 1: does seem like the American armies need some help. But
Speaker 1: von Steuben again, he didn't want to work for free.
Speaker 1: So what he did is he applied to work at
Speaker 1: another royal court. But before he could get the job,
Speaker 1: he got canceled his old employer that Prince had received
Speaker 1: an anonymous letter that claimed that Baron von Steuben had
Speaker 1: been diddling young boys. And if I was editing this
Speaker 1: episode as usual, I would add the thunderclap sound effects.
Speaker 1: So Julia, please do a thunderclap? Can you do it? Louder? Okay, great,
Speaker 1: thank you Trulia. So yes, von Steuben is being accused
Speaker 1: of being a pedophile. I don't like that. I will
Speaker 1: take a stand and say I am very much against pedophiles.
Speaker 1: Thank you, thank you, thank you. But let's remember back then,
Speaker 1: most people saw homosexuality as a nasty perversion, unlike now
Speaker 1: when everyone is okay with it. And throughout history, people
Speaker 1: have unfairly linked being gay with being a pedo, But
Speaker 1: there's no evidence that von Steuben molested little boys. Okay,
Speaker 1: yes he did have relationships with much younger men, but
Speaker 1: they never fell into the age range where that was
Speaker 1: like majorly ichy. It was just sometimes like somewhat uncomfortable.
Speaker 1: So when bon Steuben saw this letter, he was like,
Speaker 1: fuck it, I'm going to America to work for free,
Speaker 1: and we'll be right back after these soothing advertisements.
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Speaker 1: Oh stop it, okay. So, before von Steuben arrived in America,
Speaker 1: Benjamin Franklin did some rebranding for the baron. He was,
Speaker 1: like von Steuben. He was in the personal service of
Speaker 1: King Frederick the Great. He was a general. But we
Speaker 1: all know he was actually not a general and was
Speaker 1: kicked out of the army.
Speaker 7: But sh where are rebranding?
Speaker 1: Go with it? But why did he come to America.
Speaker 1: It was definitely not because he ran out of money
Speaker 1: and was chased out of Prussia for alleged pedophilia. It's
Speaker 1: just because he's so passionate about the American cause. Still,
Speaker 1: when he arrived, George Washington was a bit skeptical of
Speaker 1: von Steuben. He probably knew the real reason why Von
Speaker 1: Steuben left Prussia and that he was a little bit gay.
Speaker 1: And when von Steuben arrived at Valley Forge, he had
Speaker 1: with him three very gay items, an Italian greyhound, a
Speaker 1: Parisian cheft, and the gayest thing of all, an actor.
Speaker 1: This actor was his personal assistant, a seventeen year old
Speaker 1: who was also rumored to be his lover. So, yes,
Speaker 1: that is a bit young, but not like little boy young. Okay,
Speaker 1: oh shit. Anyway, Von Steuben hardly spoke any English, so
Speaker 1: Washington was like, I guess we need to get you
Speaker 1: some assistants who speak a language that you also speak, French.
Speaker 1: So Washington assigned him John Lawrence and Alexander Hamilton, the
Speaker 1: gay lovers aka romantic Friends from the Gay Ornay presentation
Speaker 1: at Valley Forge. All the gays basically were gaggling together.
Speaker 1: Washington appointed Von Steuben to the position of acting Inspector General.
Speaker 1: So he went around the army camp acting and inspecting,
Speaker 1: and what von Steuben saw was appalling compared to the
Speaker 1: Russian the Prussian army standards. The American soldiers were living
Speaker 1: in American filth. It's the name of the show, get it,
Speaker 1: that's the name of the show. Anyway, They were staying
Speaker 1: in little tents, had ragged clothes, their weapons were broken,
Speaker 1: and they hardly had any food to eat. Dudes were
Speaker 1: pissing and shitting all over the place willy nilly, like
Speaker 1: when an animal dyed, the soldiers would strip it of
Speaker 1: its meat and just leave the rest out. There to rot.
Speaker 1: Another huge issue was one of them actually knew how
Speaker 1: to fight well. They weren't trained. So von Stupin was like, honey,
Speaker 1: this is gross. You deserve better. Love yourself, bitch, let's
Speaker 1: get to work. This is like the power. Like Creed Montage.
Speaker 1: Von Stupin organized the camps to be more hygienic. He
Speaker 1: was like, crazy, idea, but what if we put the
Speaker 1: kitchen and bathrooms on opposite side of the camps. That
Speaker 1: way you won't be shitting your food. He also improved
Speaker 1: the weaponry. For example, the soldiers were using bayonets as
Speaker 1: skewers for their sausages, and then von Sewen was like, hey,
Speaker 1: actually you could use them to kill people. The biggest
Speaker 1: task was getting these boys in shape and ready for battle.
Speaker 1: So he wrote a new battle manual, inking new chapters
Speaker 1: every day, and when he talked about the weapons, well,
Speaker 1: he was pretty erotic in that manual. Julia rida some
Speaker 1: of the manual.
Speaker 2: Bring the right hand briskly and place it under the cock.
Speaker 2: Quits the butt with the left hand and sees the
Speaker 2: firelock at the swell.
Speaker 6: Bring the left hand down strong upon the butt.
Speaker 2: Bring the butt of the under the right arm, letting
Speaker 2: the piece down strong on the left hand which receives
Speaker 2: the swell, and the muzzle pointed directly at the front,
Speaker 2: the butt pressed with the arm against the side.
Speaker 1: Who Who's hard? It's like, are you sure he was
Speaker 1: talking about the muskets, because I'm about to musquite.
Speaker 7: Even though von.
Speaker 1: Steuben didn't speak much English, the soldiers really respected him.
Speaker 1: This is what one soldier said about him.
Speaker 4: He seemed to me a perfect personification of Mars, the
Speaker 4: ancient fabled god of war. The trappings of his horse,
Speaker 4: the enormous holsters of his pistols, his large size, and
Speaker 4: his striking martial aspect all seemed to favor the idea
Speaker 4: he turned the volunteers into a great army.
Speaker 1: Oooh, his big pistols. A lot of the soldiers like
Speaker 1: Von Steuben's eccentric personality. One of his quirks was that
Speaker 1: he would cuss all the time. He liked to use
Speaker 1: profanity in a lot of different languages, and he only
Speaker 1: knew one curse word in English, which was goddamn and
Speaker 1: goddamn Von Steuben. He liked to have parties. He'd invite
Speaker 1: groups of officers to his quarters at Valley Forge and
Speaker 1: encourage a touch of homosexuality for all who attended. For example,
Speaker 1: Von Steuben's actor lover assistant wrote this about one of
Speaker 1: the parties.
Speaker 4: Vun Steuben invited a number of us to dine at
Speaker 4: his quarters on the condition that no one should be admitted.
Speaker 1: That is wearing a whole pair of breeches. Woone's pretty gay. Okay.
Speaker 1: But since we don't know explicitly what went on at
Speaker 1: these parties, we have a special guest. He was a
Speaker 1: military officer who was invited to this specific pantless party.
Speaker 1: So please welcome to the stage, unnamed soldier.
Speaker 7: All right, Well, it's a pleasure to be here tonight.
Speaker 1: Thank you, name soldier, Thanks name host all right? Okay, So,
Speaker 1: un names, so you got this invite to this pantless party.
Speaker 1: So how did you feel when it said you didn't
Speaker 1: you can't wear pants to it? How did that make
Speaker 1: you feel? Well?
Speaker 10: As it clearly states in the Catholic Constitution, to thine
Speaker 10: own breaches be true. Now, as a Catholic man and
Speaker 10: an enlisted soldier, I am duty bound to follow the
Speaker 10: command and honor my commanding officer. So while I did
Speaker 10: have some reservations as a Catholic. I found myself.
Speaker 7: Needing to attend as an enlisted man, so I did such.
Speaker 1: So what did you end up wearing to the party.
Speaker 10: Well, in one of Martha's opium infused sewing circles, I
Speaker 10: found myself wearing one of the badger briefs more of
Speaker 10: a thongish just.
Speaker 7: A word I made up?
Speaker 1: Did you put it on you herself?
Speaker 10: I do believe I am duty bound to follow my
Speaker 10: superior offers of Martha Washington.
Speaker 1: Okay, great? Uh So when you actually went to the party,
Speaker 1: what was kind of going on inside? Like paint us
Speaker 1: a picture? What did it look like?
Speaker 7: Upon entering the tent?
Speaker 10: Uh? Noticed that a giant plume of what I can
Speaker 10: only describe as glitter infuseed oil and body humidity exited
Speaker 10: As I entered. What I gazed upon I noticed seemed
Speaker 10: to resemble some sort of upside down land. It was
Speaker 10: as though they had they had put things that were
Speaker 10: supposed to be on the floor on the ceiling. There
Speaker 10: There there were many cavalcades and and uh fountains of sorts,
Speaker 10: and uh it was honestly truly a sight to behold.
Speaker 1: And uh, I guess what what? How did you feel
Speaker 1: when you entered that room, did you did you feel
Speaker 1: in changes happened.
Speaker 10: As I looked around, and I noticed that there were
Speaker 10: a lot of participants really enjoying themselves. And and as
Speaker 10: some of the performance art started to continue, and the
Speaker 10: uh what I can only describe as greased up fancy
Speaker 10: men were wrestling with each other, I noticed that there
Speaker 10: was a change in my being, in my stature. You see,
Speaker 10: here's the thing. It's it's expensive in the war, we
Speaker 10: have to pass down pants. My pants were small, so
Speaker 10: they were extra tight.
Speaker 1: Your badger briefs.
Speaker 10: My badger briefs were extra tight, so wearing briefs, so they.
Speaker 1: Became tighter upon going into the room with all of
Speaker 1: the other naked men.
Speaker 7: Chagrin to confess, I.
Speaker 1: Also chagrined to confess.
Speaker 10: What I felt was what we Catholics like to call
Speaker 10: the devil's rigor in my pants. I am ashamed to say,
Speaker 10: but I am also not ashamed to confess.
Speaker 1: That's what a good Catholic. I. Uh So, here's something
Speaker 1: that I was. Did you feel any pressure kind of
Speaker 1: like uh, not in your badger, but but like social
Speaker 1: pressure to participate? Because here's that I'm from the future.
Speaker 1: And there's this person called Lizo and one time she
Speaker 1: brought some of her dancers to a party in which
Speaker 1: they felt pressured to do some sexual acts that they
Speaker 1: didn't feel comfortable doing. Did you feel a similar thing
Speaker 1: to that with your superior officer inviting you to this party?
Speaker 10: Well, I found that once the glitter had begun to
Speaker 10: infuse itself into my sweat and skin, that a different
Speaker 10: sort of haze came over me, some ideas and some
Speaker 10: feelings and suppressed thoughts that I really need my rosary
Speaker 10: beads for. But I've noticed that I seemed to be
Speaker 10: adjusting and taking things in stride a lot more than
Speaker 10: I expected to.
Speaker 1: Yeah, well, Catholics are known for their flexibility, so that's great.
Speaker 1: So what was Baron von Steuben doing at this event?
Speaker 10: Well, he was engaged in the most hedonistic act of all.
Speaker 7: I noticed that there was a human.
Speaker 10: Pyramid with him at the apex, and he was spewing
Speaker 10: strawberry jello.
Speaker 7: From his butt.
Speaker 10: Now we were all underneath, catching it in shot glasses
Speaker 10: and taking shots of this expelled strawberry jello. And there
Speaker 10: were spatoons all about to catch some of the more
Speaker 10: the pieces that were more solid than liquid.
Speaker 1: Yes, everyone, this is an accurate historical account. So thank you.
Speaker 1: How I guess, I mean, how do you feel about
Speaker 1: it today? Like after the party was over? You know,
Speaker 1: how did you feel afterwards? A bit a bit raw?
Speaker 1: I bet?
Speaker 10: Well, let's just say this whole thing has been a
Speaker 10: bit raw is Let's just say that I'm gonna really
Speaker 10: need to get back to my rosary beads.
Speaker 1: Well, unnamed soldier, thank you so much for sharing that
Speaker 1: exquisite and very vivid account. Thank you so much. Oh
Speaker 1: the past. Okay, so remember von Steuben, Let's go back
Speaker 1: to him. Okay, he wrote this war manual. Well after
Speaker 1: that he started drilling the American soldiers himself, and it
Speaker 1: is during one spat of cursing and yelling at them
Speaker 1: with his limited English, that he met twenty five year
Speaker 1: old Benjamin Walker. Walker was a captain, and he was like, hey,
Speaker 1: I speak French. I can interpret and translate for you.
Speaker 1: And von Steuman was like, goddamn, this man is hot.
Speaker 1: This is what he wrote about him, specifically.
Speaker 4: If I'd seen an angel from heaven, I should not
Speaker 4: have more rejoiced.
Speaker 1: Then Von Seuwmen met another captain, William North he was
Speaker 1: also a hot angel, and being young and hot were
Speaker 1: von Steuben's two requirements for his assistance. He was like,
Speaker 1: so long, Hamilton and Lawrence, I have found some much
Speaker 1: hotter younger boys to assist me again, not a pedophile. Walker,
Speaker 1: North and von Steuben thus began a decade long romantic
Speaker 1: friendship slash threuple, and based on what historians have found
Speaker 1: in their letters, it does appears that they might have
Speaker 1: quite possibly but highly probably likely had sexual encounters, especially
Speaker 1: the young assistants North and Walker, and they might have
Speaker 1: also gone to Poundtown with von Steuben. He was their
Speaker 1: mentor both military and dadily. But romantic friendships and gay
Speaker 1: sex aside. We got a war to fight, so we'll
Speaker 1: be right back after these soothing advertisements.
Speaker 3: Oh Breton, my own land. I sure did enjoy dumping
Speaker 3: that tea into Boston ab and protests of your tea tags,
Speaker 3: But now.
Speaker 1: I need some bloody tea.
Speaker 3: I got me a headache, and without my tea, how
Speaker 3: am I going to keep my teeth so yellow? Did
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Speaker 3: that sounds quite ry in it. How do I get some?
Speaker 3: All you have to do is sneak into the harbor
Speaker 3: at night and buy it from a sketchy dude off
Speaker 3: a Dutch boat. He has some other products that can
Speaker 3: get you as high as Benjamin Franklin's kite. Sounds easy enough.
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Speaker 5: I'm Vin Franklin and I'm currently tripping balls and I
Speaker 5: approved this message.
Speaker 11: Tired of challenging other founding fathers to just the same
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Speaker 12: Oh lord, well, I have an opportunity for you to
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Speaker 9: What's that, you might ask, Well, it's what the rough
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Speaker 1: Worrying are you a complete dork?
Speaker 13: These ruffians cast aside their weapons, wrestle in a hand
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Speaker 9: Around and writing hypocritical declarations about freedom even though the
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Speaker 5: this message.
Speaker 3: Oh man, I'm all at of mattresses because I keep
Speaker 3: using all my feathers in my feather bed to tar
Speaker 3: and feather people loyalists mostly.
Speaker 1: That's right.
Speaker 3: We revolutionaries like to torture people who get in the
Speaker 3: way of our freedom. But now my bed is as
Speaker 3: empty as Alexander Hamilton's promises to stop cheating on his wife.
Speaker 3: I guess I'll just sleep on the floor. Feather's got
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Speaker 1: In your cowealth.
Speaker 5: I'm Ben Franklin, and I drink tar and I approve
Speaker 5: this message.
Speaker 1: Back to the end of our story about Baron von Steuben,
Speaker 1: Are you guys ready?
Speaker 10: So?
Speaker 1: With Von Steuben's helping guidance and his military manual, the
Speaker 1: Americans were able to defeat the British spoilers, and Baron
Speaker 1: von Steuben he became a celebrity and a war hero.
Speaker 1: In a letter, George Washington was like, von Steuben, you
Speaker 1: are a mega reason why we won the war. And
Speaker 1: listen to this. This is how Washington signed that letter.
Speaker 2: I am my dear baron, Baron, You're most obedient and
Speaker 2: affectionate George Washington.
Speaker 1: Yay, okay. But unfortunately, even with Steuben's great success, he
Speaker 1: still didn't have any money. The Congress finally got around
Speaker 1: to compensating the revolutionary war heroes. Von Steuben was like,
Speaker 1: finally I'm gonna get some cash, and instead they were like,
Speaker 1: here is a golden hilted sword. Thanks. That's like getting
Speaker 1: drink tickets for performing stand up in Villa Rica. Now
Speaker 1: I'm just kidding. They also gave him two thousand dollars,
Speaker 1: but that wasn't much and it was like eight years
Speaker 1: of his life. So what they did instead is at
Speaker 1: the state of New Jersey, they were like, hey, come
Speaker 1: live here. We'll give you a free house. Thank you,
Speaker 1: New Jersey. So he moved there with his two boys,
Speaker 1: Captain North and Walker, and they quickly realized why they
Speaker 1: had been gifted this house. It had been seized from
Speaker 1: a loyalist and had been battered by the war, and
Speaker 1: they didn't have enough money to repair it, so they
Speaker 1: just sold it back to the loyalist. What a trick
Speaker 1: Van Steuben was giving a given American citizenship at least
Speaker 1: even though he didn't speak any English still, which I
Speaker 1: guess is kind of a sleigh. But eventually he was
Speaker 1: granted a not broken house on an estate in upstate
Speaker 1: New York and given twenty five hundred dollars a year.
Speaker 1: So he North and Walker moved up North and had
Speaker 1: a gay old time all together. Von Steuben was decades
Speaker 1: older than them, and he wanted to make sure that
Speaker 1: they had financial security after he died. So what he
Speaker 1: did is he adopted then, which was very common amongst
Speaker 1: the gaze of yor. Lon Seubin died on November twenty eighth,
Speaker 1: seventeen ninety four, a hero who changed the course of
Speaker 1: the war and ensured liberty in justice for rich people.
Speaker 1: North and Walker mourned him. Farewell daddy, Oh they missed him.
Speaker 1: North wrote this to Walker after von Steuben died, Oh, how.
Speaker 4: Oft did I think of our friend.
Speaker 1: How he would be pleased?
Speaker 6: Could he see us enjoying the comfort which surrounds us,
Speaker 6: the decency, perhaps, I might say, the respectability with which
Speaker 6: we moved down the hill of life. But he is gone,
Speaker 6: and by and by you and I shall follow.
Speaker 1: It will be better for the one who goes first.
Speaker 1: It is comfortless to be alone in the desert. And
Speaker 1: that's how we're gonna end the episode thinking about mortality. Yeah,
Speaker 1: he'll be up you death and guys. As always, we
Speaker 1: learn a lesson from American filth, and that lesson is
Speaker 1: drop the beat. You got it, Julia, you got it.
Speaker 1: That lesson is everybody is gay. Yes, I can welcome
Speaker 1: the cast back on the stage. The cast spark Michael,
Speaker 1: Judah Connor, all right, American Felt. This is a production
Speaker 1: of School of Humans and iHeart Podcast. This episode was
Speaker 1: written by me Gabby Watson and Julia Chriscow. Julia also
Speaker 1: voiced the ads and pots and director of the whole
Speaker 1: Thing Jesse Niswagger with Benjamin Franklin. He also did the
Speaker 1: theme Yeah, Jesse, Judah Andrews with Martha Washington and n
Speaker 1: named Soldier Michael Wurris. Is the Statue of Liberty Connor
Speaker 1: Grinds Lions Dance's asoms and Mark Kendall did stand up.
Speaker 1: Thanks to Noe Camera for the sound design, and give
Speaker 1: it up for a door for doing music, give it
Speaker 1: up for job for recording the whole thing, and give
Speaker 1: it up for yourself for being a film cut and
Speaker 1: listening to American film. Thank you so much time, Gabby,
Speaker 1: what Yeah? School of Humans