WEBVTT - A Listener Whine: Co-Parenting Like Co-Pilots 0:00:01.920 --> 0:00:05.359 Wind Down with Jana Kramer and I'm Heart Radio Podcast. 0:00:05.960 --> 0:00:08.959 This week's listener guest, we've got Brittany Ryan Smith. She's 0:00:09.000 --> 0:00:13.080 got questions about co parenting and how to handle it all, 0:00:13.119 --> 0:00:14.120 so let's get her on. 0:00:14.960 --> 0:00:15.200 Hey. 0:00:15.240 --> 0:00:15.760 I'm Jana. 0:00:15.840 --> 0:00:18.800 It's nice to meet you. Where do you live. 0:00:19.320 --> 0:00:22.320 I live in Houston, Texas, Okay, but I have to 0:00:22.360 --> 0:00:23.960 tell you I'm also from Michigan. 0:00:24.239 --> 0:00:24.959 I will yay. 0:00:25.480 --> 0:00:27.440 I was born in Marquette, so I'm from the up. 0:00:27.920 --> 0:00:30.600 Well that is okay. So I have a and we'll 0:00:30.640 --> 0:00:32.159 just jump right into it if you're good with. 0:00:32.120 --> 0:00:33.080 That, please. 0:00:33.280 --> 0:00:37.519 I have my uncle's parents used to live up in 0:00:37.560 --> 0:00:40.800 Marquette and the only memory that I I have two 0:00:40.880 --> 0:00:44.640 memories of the up. One was there's a jail up 0:00:44.680 --> 0:00:47.000 there apparently, so my mom and I we took like 0:00:47.040 --> 0:00:51.320 a wrong turn and we didn't, you know, We're trying 0:00:51.320 --> 0:00:54.520 to make it back to like my uncle's cabin and 0:00:54.880 --> 0:00:57.120 we just see these like jail workers outside. And again 0:00:57.120 --> 0:00:59.960 I'm like probably six or seven, but I just have that. 0:01:00.080 --> 0:01:02.560 They're like vivid memory and my mom being like, oh, 0:01:02.560 --> 0:01:05.920 we're lost, and then seeing these guys orange jumpsuits. 0:01:06.280 --> 0:01:07.679 And then the second one is the bear. 0:01:08.160 --> 0:01:14.200 The bears literally started pounding down the front porch door. 0:01:14.480 --> 0:01:15.640 Oh my gosh, that's so scared. 0:01:15.680 --> 0:01:17.360 Do you have any bear incidents? 0:01:17.720 --> 0:01:18.160 We did. 0:01:18.280 --> 0:01:20.240 We used to do a lot of camping, always in 0:01:20.319 --> 0:01:23.720 an RV. But I just remember like being really little 0:01:23.760 --> 0:01:25.640 and my mom was like, get in the camper, Get 0:01:25.640 --> 0:01:27.200 in the camper, and I'm like, what's going on and 0:01:27.240 --> 0:01:29.320 looking out the little window and there's a huge bear 0:01:29.360 --> 0:01:29.720 and I'm like. 0:01:30.319 --> 0:01:32.559 The copper minds up there, though, are so great. 0:01:33.319 --> 0:01:34.040 Yeah, I've heard. 0:01:34.120 --> 0:01:36.360 I I moved when I was young, so I don't 0:01:36.360 --> 0:01:37.199 remember a whole lot. 0:01:37.400 --> 0:01:37.640 I do. 0:01:37.840 --> 0:01:40.679 My My biggest memory, honestly is the lake and going 0:01:40.720 --> 0:01:43.360 to the lake house and my uncle's and so I 0:01:43.440 --> 0:01:46.000 came and I'm so happy for you that you got 0:01:46.080 --> 0:01:46.800 your lake house. 0:01:46.920 --> 0:01:47.360 Thank you. 0:01:47.480 --> 0:01:49.880 I appreciate it. I know it's been. It's been. It's 0:01:49.920 --> 0:01:53.680 been great memories. So okay, so tell me your situation 0:01:54.000 --> 0:01:56.320 and what is the biggest question you've got. 0:01:56.720 --> 0:02:02.120 Okay, So I got a divorce in twenty twenty, I know, 0:02:02.360 --> 0:02:04.920 like the worst time, Like already the world is scary, 0:02:04.960 --> 0:02:07.680 and then I just added this even bigger change. 0:02:07.720 --> 0:02:10.840 Did you do that during COVID or was it because 0:02:10.880 --> 0:02:14.200 I guess was it because what COVID really March was 0:02:14.200 --> 0:02:16.280 when the lockdowns started to happen, wasn't it right? 0:02:16.440 --> 0:02:17.280 It hid in March. 0:02:17.639 --> 0:02:20.079 We locked down in March. So he ended up going 0:02:20.080 --> 0:02:23.840 to rehab in February, obviously for alcoholism. 0:02:24.280 --> 0:02:24.639 Got it. 0:02:25.000 --> 0:02:28.120 So he's an alcoholic, which I didn't know. We've been 0:02:28.120 --> 0:02:32.640 married for almost ten years together for twelve he lied 0:02:32.680 --> 0:02:35.880 to me the entire time, and obviously, like I had 0:02:35.880 --> 0:02:39.000 inklings about it, and I would question things, but you 0:02:39.040 --> 0:02:42.000 know how the addicts are, They lie and they cover, 0:02:42.200 --> 0:02:48.040 and so he finally came truthful the beginning of twenty twenty, 0:02:48.400 --> 0:02:52.080 went to rehab in February, and then of course I think, 0:02:52.120 --> 0:02:53.560 like he's going to come back and we're going to 0:02:53.639 --> 0:02:55.560 work on it and things are going to be so good, 0:02:55.760 --> 0:02:58.520 and it just it almost seemed like things got worse. 0:02:58.800 --> 0:03:00.840 He met a woman in rehab, and then he was 0:03:00.919 --> 0:03:04.359 lying about that, and it was just I couldn't do 0:03:04.400 --> 0:03:05.040 it anymore. 0:03:05.480 --> 0:03:08.200 Isn't that interesting? Not to cut you off? But I'll 0:03:08.280 --> 0:03:11.480 never forget too. I had a very vivid memory when 0:03:11.560 --> 0:03:15.840 my ex went into rehab came out. I'm expecting like 0:03:15.880 --> 0:03:20.080 this apology, this ownership of I messed up so bad 0:03:20.200 --> 0:03:23.160 our family. I'm so sorry, And it was like I 0:03:23.280 --> 0:03:26.200 have boundaries now, and I'm like what, like, yes, you 0:03:26.280 --> 0:03:28.720 deserve your boundaries, but like where where, like is any 0:03:28.760 --> 0:03:32.640 of the acknowledgment of literally who you destroyed and like 0:03:32.760 --> 0:03:33.600 what you destroyed? 0:03:33.760 --> 0:03:33.960 You know. 0:03:34.120 --> 0:03:37.960 Yeah, it's like and I love that they come out 0:03:37.960 --> 0:03:44.760 with this energy of Okay, they want things to change. 0:03:44.800 --> 0:03:45.240 That's good. 0:03:45.280 --> 0:03:47.080 But I feel like the big piece and what I've 0:03:47.120 --> 0:03:49.160 seen in other people when they go to intensives, they'll 0:03:49.200 --> 0:03:53.240 come back and they they come back still forgetting the 0:03:53.240 --> 0:03:57.080 wound that they left in the first place, and that's 0:03:57.120 --> 0:03:59.040 the piece that always kind of bugs me. Like I 0:03:59.360 --> 0:04:01.600 love when people go do intensives. I think it's great, 0:04:02.120 --> 0:04:04.240 and I don't think it I don't think they do 0:04:04.320 --> 0:04:09.040 a good enough job of helping them also go back 0:04:09.040 --> 0:04:10.440 to because it's like they always like, oh, hey, don't 0:04:10.440 --> 0:04:12.000 talk about it anymore, and like you guess you hurt 0:04:12.040 --> 0:04:13.880 the person, but it's like they don't. I don't feel 0:04:13.880 --> 0:04:16.600 like they do a good treatment plan for how they 0:04:16.600 --> 0:04:18.200 should talk to the person they hurt. 0:04:18.200 --> 0:04:20.719 Post Yeah, that's like a whole other story. So anyway, 0:04:20.760 --> 0:04:21.400 so he comes. 0:04:21.240 --> 0:04:25.360 Out, Yeah, and we we end things, yep. I mean 0:04:25.400 --> 0:04:27.880 I I just couldn't. He was still lying and I 0:04:28.000 --> 0:04:30.600 was just unhappy, and you know, he broke the foundation 0:04:30.720 --> 0:04:32.720 of our of trust and that's kind of what our 0:04:33.240 --> 0:04:34.560 relationship should be built on. 0:04:34.640 --> 0:04:35.920 And so I couldn't do it anymore. 0:04:36.960 --> 0:04:40.760 And so obviously trying to coparent with him was it 0:04:40.800 --> 0:04:41.320 was horrible. 0:04:41.480 --> 0:04:42.120 I couldn't. 0:04:42.200 --> 0:04:44.080 I would have a panic attack every time you would 0:04:44.120 --> 0:04:44.880 call her text. 0:04:45.000 --> 0:04:45.800 I couldn't do it. 0:04:45.960 --> 0:04:47.680 How old are your kids at this point? 0:04:47.960 --> 0:04:51.000 So this was six years ago. So now my daughter 0:04:51.120 --> 0:04:53.760 is going to be fifteen next month, So she was 0:04:53.839 --> 0:04:57.760 like nine, and then my son is eleven, so he 0:04:57.880 --> 0:04:58.880 was like four. 0:04:59.440 --> 0:05:03.560 About the time time, or three, I guess. So they're little. 0:05:05.800 --> 0:05:10.400 Well, shortly after he moves out, he remarries, and so 0:05:10.480 --> 0:05:12.360 in my mind I was like I had like this 0:05:12.400 --> 0:05:15.200 little light. I was like, oh, I can co parent 0:05:15.240 --> 0:05:17.839 through her, Like she'll be our buffer. You know, she 0:05:17.839 --> 0:05:21.440 should be more mature, things will get better. She ends 0:05:21.520 --> 0:05:25.159 up being worse than him. She was awful to me, 0:05:25.400 --> 0:05:27.839 like told me I had no rights to my own children. 0:05:27.920 --> 0:05:30.520 She would keep them from me. She would lie to 0:05:30.560 --> 0:05:32.960 me about times that were supposed to me like she 0:05:33.240 --> 0:05:35.920 was terrible. It made things so much worse. So then 0:05:35.920 --> 0:05:38.279 I couldn't coparent with either of them. I'm like in 0:05:38.320 --> 0:05:42.240 a dark, deep hole, like wanting things to be cordial 0:05:42.320 --> 0:05:44.760 and have like this happy environment. We just couldn't do it. 0:05:45.600 --> 0:05:48.960 Luckily that that marriage ended pretty quickly. So then he 0:05:49.000 --> 0:05:51.240 came around and obviously like now he's trying to work 0:05:51.279 --> 0:05:54.479 on himself. Sure, and so we it took us a 0:05:54.520 --> 0:05:58.159 long time to get to a healthy co parenting where 0:05:58.200 --> 0:06:00.320 I can talk to him where I can't and be 0:06:00.360 --> 0:06:04.560 around him. We you know, So three years post divorce, 0:06:04.640 --> 0:06:07.760 we start sitting close to each other at our kids' games, 0:06:07.839 --> 0:06:10.240 just because my daughter was like, I don't know who 0:06:10.279 --> 0:06:12.200 to sit with. I don't like what do I do? 0:06:12.279 --> 0:06:15.040 It's so awkward, And so I'm like, we can sit 0:06:15.320 --> 0:06:16.640 I don't have to sit right next to him, but 0:06:16.720 --> 0:06:19.760 let's sit close and instead of going through the kids 0:06:19.760 --> 0:06:22.599 to communicate, let's communicate to each other. So when my 0:06:22.680 --> 0:06:27.080 boyfriend came in in twenty twenty three, so it's almost 0:06:27.120 --> 0:06:30.120 been three years because we met in November. So he 0:06:30.200 --> 0:06:33.680 sees us happy and friendly and all the things in 0:06:33.720 --> 0:06:38.280 which he likes. He's very respectful. 0:06:36.760 --> 0:06:39.799 Of my ex but he also like he's. 0:06:39.640 --> 0:06:41.919 Like, do you guys have to talk so much? Like 0:06:41.960 --> 0:06:44.599 why are you texting all the time? You know? Is 0:06:44.640 --> 0:06:45.800 this really important? 0:06:46.240 --> 0:06:46.400 You know? 0:06:46.480 --> 0:06:48.239 Do we have to sit with him at the game, 0:06:48.480 --> 0:06:50.080 Like we can be nice, but do we have to 0:06:50.080 --> 0:06:53.000 be that close? And so obviously you're in the same 0:06:53.080 --> 0:06:55.479 position you have Alan and Mike, and so it's like, 0:06:56.000 --> 0:06:58.680 how did you handle that? How do you kind of 0:06:58.720 --> 0:07:00.000 merge those worlds together? 0:07:01.240 --> 0:07:02.359 Is question for you? 0:07:02.600 --> 0:07:06.440 Is your now boyfriend does he have kids from another marriage? 0:07:06.800 --> 0:07:09.960 He does, he has two children the same age as 0:07:09.960 --> 0:07:16.360 my children. Unfortunately he doesn't see them very bad on 0:07:16.480 --> 0:07:18.600 his exus side and they could not. 0:07:19.720 --> 0:07:21.640 Get away, so they don't have good communication. 0:07:21.720 --> 0:07:23.400 Then is zero community? 0:07:23.440 --> 0:07:23.760 Okay? 0:07:23.920 --> 0:07:26.320 So I think that honestly plays a big piece into 0:07:26.360 --> 0:07:30.120 it and where I can also, I do relate to 0:07:30.160 --> 0:07:33.160 you a lot in that situation, you know, even just 0:07:33.160 --> 0:07:35.880 what you said, you know now you're sitting next to 0:07:35.960 --> 0:07:38.360 him in things. You know, for example, the other day 0:07:38.360 --> 0:07:40.640 there was a parent you know, meet the teacher night 0:07:41.400 --> 0:07:44.840 and the year that you know, we got divorced. I 0:07:44.880 --> 0:07:48.040 remember walking into the gymnasium seeing him and I sat 0:07:48.080 --> 0:07:51.000 the farthest I could possibly sit from him, you know. 0:07:51.160 --> 0:07:53.600 And now it's like I saw him in the gymnasium 0:07:53.960 --> 0:07:56.600 the other day and there was a seat next to him. 0:07:56.640 --> 0:07:58.240 I sat right next to him, you know, And it 0:07:58.360 --> 0:08:01.480 was because it doesn't have to be that tension. And 0:08:01.520 --> 0:08:06.280 I think we as moms, like we know the tension 0:08:06.320 --> 0:08:09.160 that it can bring the kids to if they're and 0:08:09.360 --> 0:08:11.120 I come, I came from a divorce family, and I 0:08:11.480 --> 0:08:13.680 felt that tension. And so what I've always wanted to 0:08:13.720 --> 0:08:16.520 do for my kids is to also for them not 0:08:16.600 --> 0:08:20.000 to feel that. So that's why even when I in 0:08:20.040 --> 0:08:23.120 the very beginning of our divorce, like I still invited 0:08:23.200 --> 0:08:25.560 him to the birthday parties because I'm like, I have 0:08:25.640 --> 0:08:28.880 to separate my own hate for him for the love 0:08:28.920 --> 0:08:32.640 of my children. And you know, through that, it's like 0:08:32.679 --> 0:08:35.920 you form a new relationship no matter how bad your 0:08:35.960 --> 0:08:38.720 ex hurt me, mine hurt me. It's like we have 0:08:39.200 --> 0:08:41.400 we have our children, like we have to co parent. 0:08:41.480 --> 0:08:42.920 We have to come to a good place. So there's 0:08:42.960 --> 0:08:45.800 no point in us having all this friction and animosity. 0:08:46.160 --> 0:08:49.000 There's no point in talking about our past. Yes he 0:08:49.120 --> 0:08:51.680 hurt me, Yes I hurt him, you know, I'm sure 0:08:51.679 --> 0:08:54.679 he has his you know, versions of why he did 0:08:54.679 --> 0:08:57.719 what he did, and that's fine, that's his to have 0:08:57.840 --> 0:09:00.040 and to feel. But all I can do now I 0:09:00.200 --> 0:09:03.720 was just focus on our new relationship now and so 0:09:03.840 --> 0:09:06.760 what is Yes, what I can understand with what you're saying, 0:09:06.880 --> 0:09:09.000 is if people had a harder time with a co 0:09:09.120 --> 0:09:12.760 parent and they can't communicate together, it's sometimes hard for 0:09:12.840 --> 0:09:15.520 other people to see other co parents communing together because 0:09:15.520 --> 0:09:16.960 it's not normal for them. 0:09:17.480 --> 0:09:17.680 You know. 0:09:17.760 --> 0:09:20.439 It's not because maybe they had more friction and they 0:09:20.520 --> 0:09:26.480 just couldn't couldn't communicate, you know. So Alan is very 0:09:26.520 --> 0:09:28.880 respectful and now back to him, like he's very respectful 0:09:28.960 --> 0:09:32.360 with how he like he's you know, when Mike comes over, 0:09:32.559 --> 0:09:36.400 they do a little like fist bump or whatever. You know, 0:09:36.480 --> 0:09:39.000 Mike would go golfing with him, but Alan is not 0:09:39.040 --> 0:09:41.920 like he he does have a very much like a 0:09:41.960 --> 0:09:44.920 line in the sand with where like he doesn't want 0:09:44.960 --> 0:09:49.320 to have that relationship because he's in his mind he's 0:09:49.320 --> 0:09:52.200 like a kid just go bad, you know, and it 0:09:52.520 --> 0:09:57.280 just he's like, I just have to keep a level 0:09:57.320 --> 0:10:00.040 of distance. And in my mind, I'm always like I 0:10:00.040 --> 0:10:03.720 I just I do not like tension, like it literally 0:10:04.960 --> 0:10:06.839 does something in my body, and you know, sometimes he 0:10:06.840 --> 0:10:09.000 doesn't understand. I'm like, well, we could always invite him here, 0:10:09.040 --> 0:10:12.439 and it's like sometimes it's like he doesn't. He's like, 0:10:12.520 --> 0:10:13.920 but why, And I'm like, because I think it'd be 0:10:13.920 --> 0:10:15.640 good for the kids, and a piece of me like 0:10:15.920 --> 0:10:18.280 also needs it from my nervous system too, you know, 0:10:18.440 --> 0:10:21.480 like I just want there to be peace and to 0:10:21.640 --> 0:10:27.040 not have any issues. But I do respect and see 0:10:27.080 --> 0:10:29.599 like your boyfriend's point of view and Alan's point of 0:10:29.640 --> 0:10:31.520 view too, I really do. And that's where it's like, 0:10:32.240 --> 0:10:34.920 because there should be a line. I think there should be. 0:10:35.440 --> 0:10:38.320 I think obviously we have to communicate because we're parenting 0:10:38.480 --> 0:10:42.560 kids together, but there's a certain point of and I 0:10:42.559 --> 0:10:47.440 think it is respectful to you know at games, like yes, 0:10:47.520 --> 0:10:50.320 I'm standing by him at games, but like sometimes we 0:10:50.320 --> 0:10:52.160 don't have to talk the whole time. You know, like 0:10:52.200 --> 0:10:56.400 there there can still be a line where if your 0:10:56.400 --> 0:10:59.959 boyfriend's not comfortable with it that you know, it's not 0:11:00.520 --> 0:11:02.160 like he doesn't have to be buddy buddy and sit 0:11:02.200 --> 0:11:03.920 there with him the entire game. Like maybe it's like 0:11:03.960 --> 0:11:06.040 a hello and then and then you can go to 0:11:06.080 --> 0:11:08.800 a separate part because you also know that that might 0:11:08.840 --> 0:11:12.040 be more comfortable for him, and sometimes like you don't 0:11:12.080 --> 0:11:14.280 owe your ex anything. All you owe is just to 0:11:14.280 --> 0:11:17.079 be the great co parent on the other side, you 0:11:17.160 --> 0:11:17.640 know what I mean? 0:11:18.080 --> 0:11:21.000 Yeah, yeah, no, I like that, but I. 0:11:20.920 --> 0:11:23.920 Get it's hard too, because it's like I sometimes over 0:11:24.480 --> 0:11:27.760 I get overly friendly and overly like communicative because I 0:11:27.840 --> 0:11:31.000 just don't want any drama. I don't want any discomfort. 0:11:31.080 --> 0:11:32.839 I want the kids to see us happy. I want 0:11:32.840 --> 0:11:34.920 everybody to get along. And then I'm like, you'd barely 0:11:34.920 --> 0:11:36.360 said hi to him. He's like I said hello. I'm 0:11:36.400 --> 0:11:38.080 like yeah, but you didn't have a conversation. He's like 0:11:38.120 --> 0:11:40.160 I don't need to. And I'm like, oh, you know. 0:11:40.320 --> 0:11:43.200 And so it's like you're right, but there's something within 0:11:43.320 --> 0:11:46.319 me that wants so much peace same even though there 0:11:46.400 --> 0:11:48.440 is peace, and like they don't need to do any 0:11:48.440 --> 0:11:50.960 more than a hello, but like for some reason, it 0:11:50.960 --> 0:11:53.000 does something for me. And that's that's like our own 0:11:53.000 --> 0:11:55.520 issue versus like their issue, you know. 0:11:55.880 --> 0:11:57.600 Right, No, I get that, And it's like I want 0:11:57.600 --> 0:12:00.640 the kids to see, like, look, everyone's talking your friends 0:12:00.640 --> 0:12:03.600 and everything's good. But it's like we're not really friends. 0:12:03.600 --> 0:12:04.559 We're just friendly. 0:12:04.920 --> 0:12:06.280 So there's a difference there. 0:12:06.679 --> 0:12:08.120 Well, and I think that's the piece too. 0:12:08.160 --> 0:12:11.320 And it's like that's where like my where my husband, 0:12:11.400 --> 0:12:15.800 you know, he will go, you know, he he's done 0:12:15.880 --> 0:12:18.760 all these things in the past to you, So what 0:12:18.920 --> 0:12:21.440 what's to think that something like a lie wouldn't happen again, 0:12:21.720 --> 0:12:23.400 or like can you really trust? So he's like, you 0:12:23.440 --> 0:12:26.360 need to still keep your space and boundaries, and like 0:12:26.400 --> 0:12:29.040 I do, I do get that piece. But I'm like, 0:12:29.120 --> 0:12:31.120 if it's not involving me and it's just involving the kids, 0:12:31.160 --> 0:12:34.440 and it doesn't matter, you know. So but I you know, 0:12:34.520 --> 0:12:36.880 I do, I do see his point, and I also 0:12:37.360 --> 0:12:40.880 know that we both have to respect you know, that 0:12:40.880 --> 0:12:44.560 that communication and you know, when it comes to like 0:12:44.800 --> 0:12:46.640 texting and stuff like you have to the amount of 0:12:46.679 --> 0:12:49.040 times like today, I've already had three conversations with my 0:12:49.120 --> 0:12:51.880 ex because he's like, oh, shoot, I forgot Jason's mouth 0:12:51.880 --> 0:12:54.040 guard for football, and since he's out of town this time, hey, 0:12:54.280 --> 0:12:56.480 oh how is the last you know, parent teacher? And 0:12:56.520 --> 0:12:58.679 so it's like, you know, we're on the phone chitting 0:12:58.720 --> 0:13:02.080 and chatting. You know, Well it's our children, you know, 0:13:02.920 --> 0:13:04.839 and so we have to have those conversations. 0:13:05.360 --> 0:13:07.400 But I do feel bad because there are times it's 0:13:07.440 --> 0:13:09.920 like my ex will text me at like nine o'clock 0:13:09.920 --> 0:13:12.920 at night and my boyfriend's like, hey, that's our time, 0:13:13.080 --> 0:13:16.360 like totally have to respond to him right now, and 0:13:16.440 --> 0:13:19.440 he has a like I totally understand respect. But sometimes 0:13:19.440 --> 0:13:21.439 I'm like, let me just do it, because otherwise I'll 0:13:21.480 --> 0:13:23.679 forget and then my kids will suffer because it's like 0:13:24.120 --> 0:13:27.240 we're looking for a retainer or we're looking the book 0:13:27.360 --> 0:13:28.840 was left over there, and I need to make sure 0:13:28.880 --> 0:13:32.200 he brings it in the morning, so it's just hard 0:13:32.200 --> 0:13:33.920 to find it about Like I want to respond, but 0:13:33.960 --> 0:13:35.760 I guess there's things that I guess I need to 0:13:35.760 --> 0:13:37.920 pick and choose better about what I respond to. 0:13:38.559 --> 0:13:40.679 That's a really and that's a really great point too, 0:13:40.720 --> 0:13:43.240 Like if it's not an immediate need or immediate like 0:13:43.280 --> 0:13:45.680 you have to like if they need that library book 0:13:45.679 --> 0:13:48.760 that's you know, needs to be returned tomorrow, sure respond 0:13:48.800 --> 0:13:50.400 to the text. But if it's not something that is 0:13:50.440 --> 0:13:53.120 important that can wait, like you know you're going to respond, 0:13:53.120 --> 0:13:55.319 like we're going to we're going to remember, we will 0:13:55.640 --> 0:13:58.160 you know it'll come back around. But I think that's 0:13:58.320 --> 0:14:03.920 a total legitimate request, and you know, something had made 0:14:03.920 --> 0:14:09.680 my ex my husband uncomfortable, and you know, I'm like, okay, 0:14:09.760 --> 0:14:12.040 you know what, You're right, like I might have overstepped 0:14:12.080 --> 0:14:14.280 on that one, and I can look at it. At first, 0:14:14.320 --> 0:14:16.040 I was defensive because I'm like, no, I'm just trying 0:14:16.080 --> 0:14:18.400 to make everybody happy and this, that and the other. 0:14:18.480 --> 0:14:21.600 But I'm now more mindful because I'm like, you're right. 0:14:21.600 --> 0:14:24.160 I think if that was flipped and that was how 0:14:24.160 --> 0:14:26.000 it was on the other side, I'd feel that same way. 0:14:26.320 --> 0:14:30.600 So I think it is important to to see and 0:14:30.640 --> 0:14:32.200 I would think the same thing. And you know, really 0:14:32.200 --> 0:14:34.120 at nine o'clock, this is like our time together when 0:14:34.160 --> 0:14:36.360 the kids are in bed, you know, so I do 0:14:36.440 --> 0:14:36.720 get that. 0:14:37.240 --> 0:14:39.760 No, you're you're right, and yes, I've seen it from 0:14:39.920 --> 0:14:43.400 his side. And then I made the mistake of you know, 0:14:43.720 --> 0:14:46.200 like I want to be friend, Like I need to 0:14:46.240 --> 0:14:48.880 be friendly with my ex. So here's what I tell 0:14:48.920 --> 0:14:53.160 my boyfriend. You know, he's he's been my ex has 0:14:53.160 --> 0:14:57.120 been sober for a year, and it's not if he 0:14:57.200 --> 0:15:00.400 falls off the wagon, it's when. And I need to 0:15:00.440 --> 0:15:03.160 make sure that I have a good enough relationship with 0:15:03.200 --> 0:15:05.160 my ex that he'll come to me and tell me 0:15:05.280 --> 0:15:07.640 when it happens, so that way our kids don't get 0:15:08.040 --> 0:15:08.840 put in danger. 0:15:22.360 --> 0:15:25.400 Here's the thing though, and I'm going to go thirty 0:15:25.400 --> 0:15:28.240 thousand feet above on this one, please, because I've been 0:15:28.280 --> 0:15:34.640 in a situation where I thought that same situation would happen, 0:15:34.960 --> 0:15:37.920 Like if someone got into a relationship and then you know, 0:15:37.960 --> 0:15:40.720 you find out that they're doing something again that they 0:15:40.720 --> 0:15:44.160 shouldn't be doing. You want to believe, and that I 0:15:44.160 --> 0:15:47.360 think where I was very hurt in a situation where 0:15:47.400 --> 0:15:49.160 you want to believe that they're going to come to 0:15:49.200 --> 0:15:51.040 you and tell you the truth. But what were they 0:15:51.080 --> 0:15:53.200 like when they were married to you? Did they come 0:15:53.200 --> 0:15:54.360 to you and tell you the truth? 0:15:54.760 --> 0:15:55.000 Never? 0:15:55.160 --> 0:16:01.720 Yeah, No, you're expecting something to to happen that most 0:16:01.880 --> 0:16:04.520 likely will be you want them. You want to believe 0:16:04.720 --> 0:16:06.800 in the person that they are changing, that they're doing 0:16:06.840 --> 0:16:09.280 the things to be a better person for not only 0:16:09.720 --> 0:16:13.640 you know, your kids, but for themselves. But the disappointment 0:16:13.680 --> 0:16:16.440 that will come when you realize and you look at 0:16:16.440 --> 0:16:17.920 them in the eyes and you go, are you sure 0:16:17.960 --> 0:16:19.920 there's nothing you want to be honest with me about 0:16:19.960 --> 0:16:22.080 and they look at you and say, no, everything's great. 0:16:22.480 --> 0:16:25.200 That moment will break your heart if you believe that 0:16:25.240 --> 0:16:28.160 they're like again, you can believe and pray and hope, 0:16:28.680 --> 0:16:31.360 but to think that they're going to come to you 0:16:31.400 --> 0:16:33.480 and give you a different version than they were when 0:16:33.480 --> 0:16:35.600 they were married to you, when you were the like 0:16:35.800 --> 0:16:39.240 the their wife and the you know, mother of their children, 0:16:41.120 --> 0:16:43.240 I just would not hold that peace. 0:16:43.320 --> 0:16:44.800 So dear to your heart because it will. 0:16:44.880 --> 0:16:47.600 I could eventually break your heart in that moment because 0:16:47.640 --> 0:16:50.480 you're be like, yead, I really wanted something different. 0:16:50.640 --> 0:16:51.920 I really hope that you changed. 0:16:52.800 --> 0:16:54.600 Yeah, yep, that makes sense. 0:16:55.320 --> 0:16:57.760 So I get why you're wanting to do it. And 0:16:57.800 --> 0:16:59.560 you can still be there. You can still be I 0:16:59.560 --> 0:17:01.480 don't know what your religious background like. You can still 0:17:01.480 --> 0:17:04.400 pray for him and hope that that will be the thing. 0:17:05.640 --> 0:17:09.600 But an addict does normally what they do, and if 0:17:09.600 --> 0:17:11.359 they're going to fall off the wagon, they're gonna lie 0:17:11.359 --> 0:17:14.080 to the person they've lied to before. That's just from 0:17:14.080 --> 0:17:20.280 my own past experiences. Even when you prayed that they 0:17:20.280 --> 0:17:21.440 had changed post you. 0:17:22.200 --> 0:17:25.399 And yeah, when they tell you that they've changed, and yeah, 0:17:25.840 --> 0:17:27.439 they really want to. 0:17:27.440 --> 0:17:29.280 Believe, And that's the heart and that's the piece where 0:17:29.280 --> 0:17:32.880 it's like, that's where like your boyfriend, my husband where 0:17:32.920 --> 0:17:35.760 they're like, don't believe, like you're not friends, like. 0:17:35.760 --> 0:17:37.879 Stop, like, but I'm like, but we are. Everything's like 0:17:37.960 --> 0:17:40.600 it's okay, Like we can be and it still can 0:17:40.640 --> 0:17:41.000 be that. 0:17:41.160 --> 0:17:42.960 But to think that you still have that piece that 0:17:43.000 --> 0:17:47.040 you wanted when you were married, it's not. I still 0:17:47.040 --> 0:17:50.399 don't think you're going to get the response that you wanted. 0:17:50.480 --> 0:17:54.399 Then you're still most likely going to you know, falter 0:17:54.920 --> 0:17:55.480 back to that. 0:17:56.160 --> 0:17:57.520 No, you're right, that makes sense. 0:17:57.560 --> 0:17:59.720 Maybe I don't know, but I mean again, like I 0:17:59.760 --> 0:18:05.000 had experience like that, but again it's maybe you know 0:18:05.080 --> 0:18:06.480 all and all you can do is just be there 0:18:06.520 --> 0:18:07.080 and do your part. 0:18:07.119 --> 0:18:08.199 And that's what I would say to people too. 0:18:08.240 --> 0:18:10.760 I've got, you know, some friends that are going through 0:18:10.760 --> 0:18:12.680 it right now with the exes and it's so hard 0:18:12.760 --> 0:18:15.679 and it's like I don't I will always hope and 0:18:15.720 --> 0:18:18.040 pray that they are the best versions of themselves so 0:18:18.040 --> 0:18:20.680 that they can be the best dad to our kiddos. 0:18:20.720 --> 0:18:22.360 And what they do in their personal time is their 0:18:22.400 --> 0:18:26.040 personal time. And if we can all come together and 0:18:26.080 --> 0:18:28.280