Speaker 1: I am the Omla. I had a baby daddy relationship.
Speaker 1: I spent time in a relationship with a married man.
Speaker 1: I had to learn the skills and tools required to
Speaker 1: make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the
Speaker 1: Our Spot, a production of shondaland Audio in partnership with
Speaker 1: I Heart Radio. Family Relationships. Family relationships. Family relationships related
Speaker 1: by blood, related by mind, related by heart, related by soul,
Speaker 1: related by blood, related by heart, related by soul, but
Speaker 1: also related by dysfunction, related by habit, related by obligation,
Speaker 1: related by the patterns that we saw and heard and
Speaker 1: learned by watching other family members. And even when we
Speaker 1: can see quite clearly that the patterns that we learned
Speaker 1: that the things that we saw don't work for us,
Speaker 1: we may not have the knowledge, to strength or the
Speaker 1: information required to live beyond the family relationships. And it's
Speaker 1: difficult to try to figure out how not to get
Speaker 1: hung up on the very same things that you see
Speaker 1: other people in your family hung up on. Family relationships.
Speaker 1: They're difficult, they're challenging, and they can be healed. It's
Speaker 1: gonna take some work, and sometimes it's going to take
Speaker 1: your willingness and know that when you do that, they
Speaker 1: are going to be in high piosity, but you can survive.
Speaker 1: My first caller has a very common family relationship. Take
Speaker 1: a listen. Good afternoon, beloved, Welcome to the our spot.
Speaker 1: What is your issue, challenge, relationship dilemma that we can
Speaker 1: discuss and nibble on today? Good afternoon. UM. My dilemma
Speaker 1: is my relationship with like my family, UM, my spouse,
Speaker 1: my friends. I feel like I have to do a
Speaker 1: lot of people pleasing UM, not necessarily what I want
Speaker 1: to do. Not necessarily I'm not able to follow, Like
Speaker 1: my life have. I feel like I'm not able to
Speaker 1: follow what I want to do as far as UM,
Speaker 1: my career goes where I want to live, like they
Speaker 1: just I don't know, they're not really allowing me to do.
Speaker 1: Tell me what you mean when you say not able
Speaker 1: to follow? Um. Three years ago, I relocated from my hometown. UM.
Speaker 1: I was pretty successful in my hometown, but it's a
Speaker 1: small city, so I kind of felt like I had
Speaker 1: reached the ceiling there. So I made a, UM, you know,
Speaker 1: a personal decision to relocate to Houston, a place as
Speaker 1: much bigger from where I'm from. UM. And once I
Speaker 1: moved there, I feel like I became way more happier,
Speaker 1: Like I felt like a lot of the weight that
Speaker 1: I was carrying being back home, Like I lost my
Speaker 1: grandmother back home, and that's who raised me. So I
Speaker 1: just felt like I had a lot of weight for
Speaker 1: me being back home. I wasn't happy. I wasn't really
Speaker 1: happy with the relationship that my family had with one another,
Speaker 1: so I wanted to move away from that. I did.
Speaker 1: I was happy my business was going more so in
Speaker 1: the direction that I wanted it to go, and then
Speaker 1: my family called me to return home to help take
Speaker 1: care of my grandfather. So I did like that instant.
Speaker 1: I didn't think about it. I didn't question everything. I
Speaker 1: literally shut down my salon um. I left my other
Speaker 1: job that I had in Houston, like I left everything.
Speaker 1: I left my my home, my new friends, like everything
Speaker 1: that I had made for myself. I just I left it.
Speaker 1: Why did you leave everything? Because your family called? Why
Speaker 1: did you do that? Well, because my my grandparents raised me.
Speaker 1: I wasn't raised by my parents, so I kind of
Speaker 1: felt like I was obligated to come back and take
Speaker 1: care of my grandfather says he is the person who
Speaker 1: raised me. That was the only option you saw is
Speaker 1: to leave everything that I built and created and go
Speaker 1: back home out of obligation. Yes, who called you my
Speaker 1: mother and my eyes? And is that her father? The father? Yes?
Speaker 1: And so why didn't they do it? I don't know.
Speaker 1: M hmm. Interesting. So, so what exactly is the problem,
Speaker 1: because I'm not hearing the problem? Well, I'm I'm just
Speaker 1: it's kind of what I already expected since I've come
Speaker 1: back home. I'm just I'm not happy. Everything is gone,
Speaker 1: like all the the confidence that I had gained being
Speaker 1: and and the newer environment, Like I just felt like
Speaker 1: everything that I wanted I was finally getting once I left.
Speaker 1: Do you understand that you are in the situation you're
Speaker 1: in because of the choice that you made, And the
Speaker 1: choice that you made was to give up on yourself
Speaker 1: or give up on your dream to fulfill an obligation.
Speaker 1: Now that was a choice, because you get have brought
Speaker 1: your grandfather to where you are. I tried. They wouldn't
Speaker 1: allow it. What does that mean you? I've asked you
Speaker 1: that question before. They won't allow it. You mean the
Speaker 1: people that didn't want to take care of him, the
Speaker 1: people that called you, wouldn't allow you to do what
Speaker 1: they wouldn't. I don't know. It's hard to explain with
Speaker 1: my family, like I'm the one that steps up and
Speaker 1: does a lot of things, but at the same time
Speaker 1: they don't. I don't know, they don't want to actually
Speaker 1: give me credit for the things I do and then
Speaker 1: do what I do do things like this move that
Speaker 1: I made that was used to me to them is
Speaker 1: kind of my notes. Like they look at it like, well, um,
Speaker 1: this is where you're from, you know, that's what you
Speaker 1: should do, like they kind of they just look at
Speaker 1: it dead, like what I have planned in the dings
Speaker 1: that I want is not really important to them. Well,
Speaker 1: you know, beloved, the things that are important to you
Speaker 1: will not be important to anyone else until they are
Speaker 1: important to you. And when they are important to you,
Speaker 1: then you will make choices that support what's best for you.
Speaker 1: Right now, you're turning over your life to other people
Speaker 1: and then complaining about it and making them wrong. Yes,
Speaker 1: this was your choice, so you turned it over to them.
Speaker 1: You want them to think that what you built in
Speaker 1: Houston was important when you didn't. You didn't think it
Speaker 1: was important enough to stay. You gave it up. They
Speaker 1: didn't take it. Yes, man, this role of rescuer, this
Speaker 1: role of people pleasing as you say, is that a
Speaker 1: role that you volunteered for? The one that you were
Speaker 1: assigned a kind of roll. I'm the oldest um as
Speaker 1: far as like i'm the oldest child on the oldest grandchild, UM,
Speaker 1: I mean being raised by my grandparents. Of course they
Speaker 1: were a little older, so that responsibility role, it was
Speaker 1: kind of just throw it onto me as a kid,
Speaker 1: and I've just I've kept it. But how's that working
Speaker 1: for you? Well, it must be because you keep doing it.
Speaker 1: It's interesting how roles that we are assigned, or roles
Speaker 1: that we volunteered for, and then when we outgrow them,
Speaker 1: we don't know how to stand in the new person
Speaker 1: that we are. And I kind of hear that's what's
Speaker 1: going on for you, that you don't know how to
Speaker 1: stand for yourself, so you lean on others and then
Speaker 1: when they lean back, you get upset about it. But
Speaker 1: here's something, and I really want you to hear this.
Speaker 1: I want you to hear this. I want to say
Speaker 1: this with as much love and respect as possible. Okay,
Speaker 1: and always know I'm never talking about anybody from a
Speaker 1: judgmental place, but I just want to bring Sometimes you
Speaker 1: need a little cold water in your face. You're ready
Speaker 1: for a little dash of cold water. Okay, your mother
Speaker 1: didn't raise you, and now she's asking you to take
Speaker 1: care of her father. Does that make sense to you? Oh,
Speaker 1: but you volunteered to participate. Yes, I heard you say
Speaker 1: that growing up, you had to take care of the
Speaker 1: kids and you had to take care of the household.
Speaker 1: So your primary responsibility was to other people. Yeah, And
Speaker 1: how does that make you feel? That your primary responsibility
Speaker 1: in your life is to other people? How does that
Speaker 1: make you feel? Um? Sometimes I feel good because I
Speaker 1: know that I am helping others, But a lot of
Speaker 1: times I just feel empty, like I just feel like
Speaker 1: I'm not doing anything for me. Well, you can't if
Speaker 1: other people are more important in your life than you are.
Speaker 1: And it sounds like you never grew the muscle of
Speaker 1: taking care of you. You were programmed in patterned to
Speaker 1: take care of other people. We could talk forever, but
Speaker 1: if you're not willing to do something different, you're gonna
Speaker 1: stay right where you are. So I want you to
Speaker 1: hear this, and then I want you to tell me
Speaker 1: what you're willing to do about If you don't enjoy
Speaker 1: your life, other people will. We'll talk more about it
Speaker 1: when we come back. Welcome back to the our spot.
Speaker 1: We are continuing our conversation about the fact that other
Speaker 1: people are enjoying your life more than you are. And
Speaker 1: don't hear me saying you gotta abandon your grandfather, but
Speaker 1: there are so many other possibilities. What are you willing
Speaker 1: to do about the fact that other people are enjoying
Speaker 1: your life more than you are because of the choices
Speaker 1: you have made. I believe the thing I need to
Speaker 1: do is starting uh huh. You're living the classic example
Speaker 1: of if you don't have a strong no, you will
Speaker 1: have a week yes if you say if you don't
Speaker 1: say no to the things you don't want, you won't
Speaker 1: be able to stand in the things that you do want.
Speaker 1: So you didn't say no when you were summoned back home,
Speaker 1: and now you can't stand in being back home and
Speaker 1: doing what you agreed to do. So there's a very
Speaker 1: important skill that you have to learn here and I
Speaker 1: it's gonna take some work, and that is renegotiating the agreement.
Speaker 1: Renegotiating the agreement. You made an agreement to come back
Speaker 1: home and care for your grandfather. You did it out
Speaker 1: of obligation, not out of desire. So now everyone is
Speaker 1: brought into this agreement that you made that you'll do it.
Speaker 1: How can you renegotiate that agreement? I'm trying. I'll give you, guys,
Speaker 1: is a year and then you know, I need to
Speaker 1: return back to where I was, and that's kind of
Speaker 1: where it's stuck at. You know. As soon as I
Speaker 1: get to that, then I'm hidden with all that. You know, Well,
Speaker 1: we just don't understand why you don't want to be here.
Speaker 1: It's not that bad and because I don't want to
Speaker 1: be looked as why not? Why don't you want to
Speaker 1: be looked at as a bad guy? Bad guys pay taxes,
Speaker 1: bad guy's brust their teeth, Bad guys can make money.
Speaker 1: Bad guys can do everything everybody else can do. Because
Speaker 1: you you are do any of the people that you're
Speaker 1: talking to have a business. People will hold you to
Speaker 1: the vision that they have of you and for you,
Speaker 1: and then get mad at you when you try to
Speaker 1: live beyond that. Yes, and I feel like that's exactly
Speaker 1: what has happened. So what are you willing to do
Speaker 1: about it? That's the question. You you know, exactly what
Speaker 1: the situation is you've volunteered for the position of taking
Speaker 1: care of people. You have given them the right to
Speaker 1: limit and structure your life. You've made an agreement that
Speaker 1: you are unable or unwilling to keep and and this
Speaker 1: is huge, this is huge. You are the one who
Speaker 1: made it out, and the one who makes it out
Speaker 1: carries a lot of guilt because I'm not going to
Speaker 1: tell you that they're wrong and you're right. I'm not
Speaker 1: telling you that. I'm telling you that you gave them
Speaker 1: permission and you participate and other people making choices for
Speaker 1: you in your life. You did that. So the only
Speaker 1: way to undo it is for you to make some
Speaker 1: new choices. Right, I think amazing I need to do
Speaker 1: is prize like I would do it again, to be
Speaker 1: honest with everybody about what it is. Well, part of
Speaker 1: it is stop explaining yourself. That's the first step. This
Speaker 1: is what I'm doing, and I'm doing it for me.
Speaker 1: I don't need your approval. I'd love your support, but
Speaker 1: I'm gonna do it one way or the other. You
Speaker 1: don't need their approval. At thirty three years old, you're
Speaker 1: in the critical time of your life. It's the christ
Speaker 1: years where you get to make choices and decisions for
Speaker 1: your hiring greater good. You do not need their approval
Speaker 1: because a family tree, you can put a noose around
Speaker 1: your neck, Yes, and you either get to jump off
Speaker 1: the ledge and hang yourself or you get to take
Speaker 1: the noose off. But you've got to be willing. It
Speaker 1: may not happen, but you have to be willing to
Speaker 1: lose everything in order to gain yourself. And and it's
Speaker 1: hard to say that when you're talking about family, but
Speaker 1: I'm gonna say to you again, you volunteered for this role,
Speaker 1: You voluntarily participated in it. You made choices that allowed
Speaker 1: them to enjoy your life more than you enjoy it.
Speaker 1: You are the one that made it out. And now
Speaker 1: you're allowing guilt to call you bad. It doesn't matter
Speaker 1: what it used to be. You used to be a
Speaker 1: hundred pounds heavier than you are now. Yes, do you
Speaker 1: want to pick that hundred pounds back up? Well you
Speaker 1: already did you already you picked up your grandfather, you
Speaker 1: picked up your mother, you picked up your aunt, you
Speaker 1: picked up the rest of the family. Because you don't
Speaker 1: want to be the bad guy bad. Do you have
Speaker 1: a red dress? Do you have a really fancy, I
Speaker 1: mean deliciously gorgeous red dress. You know you need to
Speaker 1: get one. You need to get one because bad guys
Speaker 1: wear red color. And I'm ahold of good thought for you. Okay, alright, love,
Speaker 1: thank you for calling. Best of luck to you, Bye
Speaker 1: bye bye. Sometimes I think that people have an allergy
Speaker 1: to the truth. If you tell people the truth of
Speaker 1: what you're thinking, what you're feeling, what you're seeing, they
Speaker 1: just can't hear it, can't receive it. And sometimes in
Speaker 1: our relationships, there's a truth that we need to tell,
Speaker 1: the truth that we need to speak, but we're afraid.
Speaker 1: She calls it people pleasing, she calls it, They won't.
Speaker 1: She calls it. I can't, they won't let me. But
Speaker 1: the truth of the matter is it's simply a family
Speaker 1: path done that she's been taught and trained to live
Speaker 1: in and live up to. And she doesn't have the
Speaker 1: muscle to do something different, not yet. Oh but all
Speaker 1: things are possible, And my next caller is learning all
Speaker 1: about family habits. Take a listen, greetings, beloved, welcome to
Speaker 1: the art spot, And what is your relationship trauma difficulty
Speaker 1: problem upset breakdown? So that we can have a breakthrough today. Okay, first,
Speaker 1: let me just say it's her honor speaking with you.
Speaker 1: Thank you. So my issue with self doubt and self confidence,
Speaker 1: it's just the fact that I'm filled with self doubt
Speaker 1: and I have no self confidence. I think it comes
Speaker 1: from the trauma that I experienced in my life, like
Speaker 1: my family, which is filled of like violence and just
Speaker 1: like both physical and like verbal abuse. And when I
Speaker 1: was very young, they put a lot of responsibility on
Speaker 1: me to be the mediator in the family, to be
Speaker 1: the soother and the family, to be the nurturer and
Speaker 1: the family, and it felt like I wasn't seen or
Speaker 1: heard unless I was doing exactly what they wanted me
Speaker 1: to do, and if I wasn't, it was as if
Speaker 1: I didn't matter. My opinion didn't matter, what I thought
Speaker 1: didn't matter. And so as I've grown, it's just become
Speaker 1: a situation of just like I don't know what direction
Speaker 1: my life should go based on what I want and
Speaker 1: what I feel, and any time I have like, Okay,
Speaker 1: this is what I want, it's like everyone around me
Speaker 1: just like you're not going to be able to do it.
Speaker 1: You're you know, you're not going to be to stefful
Speaker 1: with that, and it's like I just crumble and I
Speaker 1: don't know what to do with that. I heard you
Speaker 1: say that you have no self confidence. Is that accurate? Yes?
Speaker 1: I want to challenge that. I believe you have absolute
Speaker 1: confidence in the fact that you will fail. Yes. Would
Speaker 1: that be accurate? So it's not that you don't have confidence,
Speaker 1: it's just that you're putting it in the wrong place.
Speaker 1: You're putting it in the pattern that you learned, You're
Speaker 1: putting it in the pathology that you live. So now
Speaker 1: you are doing to yourself the very things that you
Speaker 1: hold that they did to you. Can you see that? Yeah? Yeah,
Speaker 1: So the same dysfunctional people that put you or supported
Speaker 1: you in being in the place that you're in, why
Speaker 1: would you discuss with them your vision and dreams for
Speaker 1: yourself knowing that that's not how they see you. Why
Speaker 1: do you want their validation? Why do you want their support?
Speaker 1: What will it do for you? The people that expose
Speaker 1: you to violence, physical, an emotional trauma and abuse, why
Speaker 1: do you want their support. I'm not saying you you
Speaker 1: shouldn't want it, I'm just asking you why do you
Speaker 1: want it? Um? I don't know, I don't know. I
Speaker 1: guess because then I guess I'm so worthy, like I
Speaker 1: I'm drawing a blank. I really don't know. What I
Speaker 1: just want to support you in doing is getting to
Speaker 1: the root. Getting to the root, because what happens is
Speaker 1: we get a thought and we think it over and over,
Speaker 1: even when we don't know that we're thinking it. We
Speaker 1: think it over and over, and then it gets rooted
Speaker 1: in the soil of our minds, and then it grows
Speaker 1: into a flower or a tree, or a bush or weeds.
Speaker 1: And you know, weeds kill off everything. They travel through
Speaker 1: the through the ground and the earth, and they'll kill
Speaker 1: off everything. So I think that you are war to
Speaker 1: ring weeds. Let's see if we can break down and
Speaker 1: uproot some of the things that you say. Okay, okay, okay,
Speaker 1: we'll do it right after this break. Welcome back to
Speaker 1: the our spot. Let's get back to the conversation. You said.
Speaker 1: I was taught family is the most important thing. How
Speaker 1: do you define family? I define family as the people
Speaker 1: who know you best. I mean the people that keep
Speaker 1: telling you you can't do what you wanna do, the
Speaker 1: people who are telling you that you're fail in your
Speaker 1: dreams and your wishes because they know you best, the
Speaker 1: ones that subjected you to emotional, psychological, physical abuse. Those
Speaker 1: are to people who know you best. No, they don't.
Speaker 1: But that's what you're saying. Have they taken the time
Speaker 1: to know you? No, not me. Have they taken the
Speaker 1: time to find out what's important to you? So let
Speaker 1: me give you a definition of family, because I think
Speaker 1: very often we think of family with some illustrious, almost
Speaker 1: magical thinking. Okay, a family are the descendants of a
Speaker 1: common ancestor. That's what family is. People united by blood,
Speaker 1: born one from another from a common ancestor. So on
Speaker 1: your father's line, on your mother's line, those two lines
Speaker 1: came together, and then you have a common ancestor with
Speaker 1: your father, your grandfather father. You know, your father, his father,
Speaker 1: his father's father, his father's father. There's a common ancestor.
Speaker 1: There's nothing in the description of family that says you
Speaker 1: have to support each other, that you need their validation,
Speaker 1: that you uh can't move without them, that you're obligated
Speaker 1: to stay with them. There's nothing in the definition of
Speaker 1: family that says anything about that. You It's two or
Speaker 1: more people related by birth, marriage, or adoption who lived together.
Speaker 1: That's it, and share a common ancestor. Right, So this
Speaker 1: whole notion of you need their support and they've got
Speaker 1: that they have to support you number one, that they
Speaker 1: should support you, number two, that they will support you
Speaker 1: number three, that's something that we made up, okay, And
Speaker 1: we'd like it to be that they support us, that
Speaker 1: they encourage us, that they uplift us. But when they
Speaker 1: start out subjecting themselves and us to physical, emotional, psychological
Speaker 1: trauma and abuse, chances are that unless everybody does the work,
Speaker 1: that's not gonna change. I've told this story over and over,
Speaker 1: but I'm gonna tell you because it might be helpful.
Speaker 1: So to everybody everybody else is listening that's heard it,
Speaker 1: please forgive me. My brother was an alcoholic and a
Speaker 1: drug addict from the time he was sixteen years old,
Speaker 1: and he he because we two were subjected to psychological
Speaker 1: an emotional trauma and our home. I was subjected to
Speaker 1: physical abuse both personally, meaning I was physically abused, and
Speaker 1: I grew up in the household where it was domestic violence.
Speaker 1: And so I really, through the grace of God's source,
Speaker 1: creator just I was able to live beyond that. He
Speaker 1: drowned it his pain and drugs and alcohol and he
Speaker 1: wanted me to do that with him. He wanted to
Speaker 1: tell the same old story about how bad it was,
Speaker 1: how horrible it was, what they did to him, what
Speaker 1: they did to us, blah blah blah. And I had
Speaker 1: done my work and I just wasn't there. And one
Speaker 1: day I found the courage. I don't know, must have
Speaker 1: been in my toe nail. I found the courage to
Speaker 1: say to him, I don't I'm not gonna talk about
Speaker 1: that no more. I don't want to talk about that.
Speaker 1: I don't see it that way, I don't feel it
Speaker 1: that way. I don't live it that way. And if
Speaker 1: you want to continue talking about how bad it was
Speaker 1: back then, it's not going on now. So I don't
Speaker 1: want to talk about it if it's not going on now.
Speaker 1: And he said to me, you are so stupid. I said, well,
Speaker 1: if that's how you feel, then we don't have to talk.
Speaker 1: And he said okay and hung up. And I didn't
Speaker 1: talk to my brother for five years, five long years.
Speaker 1: This was my oldest brother, my hero, my big brother.
Speaker 1: But in that five years, I made a commitment to
Speaker 1: myself to live beyond the dysfunction that I have been
Speaker 1: taught to live beyond it, and even if it cost
Speaker 1: me my relationship with my brother, I wanted more for myself.
Speaker 1: And it's not easy because I lost him, I lost
Speaker 1: my nephews, I lost, you know, my only tie to
Speaker 1: my family because our parents were dead. Right. The thing
Speaker 1: that I learned in that is that I was so
Speaker 1: wedded or married to the belief that it couldn't get better,
Speaker 1: that I couldn't see the ways that it could. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and that's exactly where I am right now, and somehow
Speaker 1: through grace and mercy, you know, It's like, one of
Speaker 1: the reasons my brother could continuously do drugs and alcohol
Speaker 1: was because he hung out with people who did drugs
Speaker 1: and alcohol. And one of the reasons I continued to
Speaker 1: hurt was because I hung out with people who were hurting.
Speaker 1: And when I stopped, when I stopped hanging out with
Speaker 1: people who were hurting, I stopped hurting. It was magic.
Speaker 1: And it's not going to be easy. It's not going
Speaker 1: to be easy, and they are not going to agree
Speaker 1: with you, and it's okay if they don't, because the greatest,
Speaker 1: the greatest, I don't want to say the word revenge,
Speaker 1: but the greatest thing you can do is demonstrate to
Speaker 1: yourself and them that it doesn't have to be that way.
Speaker 1: You've got to demonstrate that. And they're not going to
Speaker 1: agree with you, and they may not support you, and
Speaker 1: it's not going to be easy, and that's okay. You
Speaker 1: must be ready. Otherwise you wouldn't be calling me because
Speaker 1: I'm gonna give it to you straight, no chaser, and
Speaker 1: I appreciate it. Tell me what scares you about that?
Speaker 1: Tell me what frightens you about what you're hearing me say? What? Uh?
Speaker 1: It's not being alone, it's being without them. You won't
Speaker 1: be alone. It's being people on the planet. Some of
Speaker 1: them want to know you. It's not being alone, it's
Speaker 1: being without them. Okay, because being with them is something
Speaker 1: that you said earlier, which is a habit. And habits
Speaker 1: are hard to break, beloved, Habits are hard to break,
Speaker 1: they really are, but they can be broken. So you
Speaker 1: have a habit of not being supported. You have a
Speaker 1: habit of not being heard. You have a habit of
Speaker 1: not being seen. You have a habit of not having
Speaker 1: what you want to the degree that you don't even
Speaker 1: believe that what you want is important. You have a
Speaker 1: habit of not being important. You have a habit of
Speaker 1: not mattering. So those are habits. Well, you know, as
Speaker 1: a coach, what I would say to you, the first
Speaker 1: way you have to go about breaking a habit is
Speaker 1: to avoid tempting situations, the situations that will tempt you
Speaker 1: to do the very thing you've always done. So when
Speaker 1: you said, when you I try to tell them what
Speaker 1: I want, they tell me you can't do that. You'll
Speaker 1: never do that. So you have to avoid that situation
Speaker 1: of telling them what you want. That's the first thing,
Speaker 1: because that's an unhealthy behavior. The second thing you have
Speaker 1: to do is you have to prepare yourself mentally for
Speaker 1: the worst possible scenario. And we can do that right now. Okay, Okay,
Speaker 1: so let's let's go here. In order for you to
Speaker 1: stand up for yourself, to grow self value, self worth,
Speaker 1: and self confidence, you will have to step away from
Speaker 1: from your family. Okay, Okay, take a breath. So I
Speaker 1: want you to say this with me, repeated and completed. Okay,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna give you a stem of a sentence. I
Speaker 1: want you to repeat that stem and then completed with
Speaker 1: the first thought that comes up in your mind. And
Speaker 1: it doesn't have to make sense, don't don't try to
Speaker 1: make it make sense, Okay, If I step away from
Speaker 1: my family, say that. If I step away from my family,
Speaker 1: what will happen is? What will happen is? I will
Speaker 1: learn to stand on my own. And if I learned
Speaker 1: to stand on my own, and if I learned to
Speaker 1: stand on my own, what will happen is? What will
Speaker 1: happen is I could actually be happy. And if I'm happy,
Speaker 1: what will happen is? And if I'm happy, but what
Speaker 1: happen is, I'll grow? And if I grow, what will
Speaker 1: happen is? And if I grow, what what happened is?
Speaker 1: I can be what I choose to be and not
Speaker 1: what others want me to be. And if I'm not
Speaker 1: what others want me to be, say that. And if
Speaker 1: I'm not what others want me to be, what will
Speaker 1: happen is? What what happen is I'll have to figure
Speaker 1: out what I want to be. And if I figure
Speaker 1: out what I want to be, what what happen is?
Speaker 1: I'll have to actually do it. Ah, And if I
Speaker 1: actually have to do what I want to do, I
Speaker 1: will have any excuses. And if I don't have any excuses,
Speaker 1: and if I don't have any excuses. What will happen
Speaker 1: is I will have to take responsibility for my life. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and that scares the be Jesus side of you because
Speaker 1: you've never been responsible for your life. You've been responsible
Speaker 1: to them and for them, and you've gotten beaten up
Speaker 1: about the things that they failed at. Would that be accurate? Yes? Good,
Speaker 1: good for you because another way, another thing that you
Speaker 1: have to do to break a habit is tell the
Speaker 1: absolute truth. And there's some truth that you just spoke
Speaker 1: that I want to bring to your awareness that I'm
Speaker 1: afraid to take responsibility for my life, so I give
Speaker 1: myself excuses not to rather than run the risk of failing,
Speaker 1: because they have told you that you'll fail, and that's
Speaker 1: where you put your confidence in your failing. Yes, ma'am.
Speaker 1: So to break this habit of being irresponded p ssible,
Speaker 1: because that's what it is. To break the habit of
Speaker 1: giving yourself excuses for not taking full responsibility for your power,
Speaker 1: for your choices, for your greatness. You've got to avoid
Speaker 1: tempting situations. That means the people you've got to prepare
Speaker 1: yourself mentally. You've got to tell yourself the absolute truth.
Speaker 1: You have to know what your triggers are how do
Speaker 1: they trigger you? And see, these are all muscles like
Speaker 1: in your mind that you have to build. And you've
Speaker 1: got to exchange every bad habit for good habits. So
Speaker 1: if you have a habit of talking to them about
Speaker 1: what you're doing, switch that and don't say anything. Put
Speaker 1: it in your journal, find a friend, get a coach,
Speaker 1: get a mentor talk to them about it. Okay, you've
Speaker 1: you've got to know that you'll slip back and forth.
Speaker 1: But when you catch yourself slipping, shift, shift, and you've
Speaker 1: got to reward yourself for every small step. This is
Speaker 1: a small step speaking to someone outside the inner circle
Speaker 1: who's going to tell you something different. Yeah, celebrate that
Speaker 1: you did a good thing. You did a good thing.
Speaker 1: I want you to write this down. My choices mm hmm.
Speaker 1: My power, my joy are my responsibility. My choices, my power,
Speaker 1: my joy are my responsibility. Not my mother's not, my
Speaker 1: father's not, my brother's not, my grandmother not my auntie.
Speaker 1: My my choices, my power, my joy are my responsibility,
Speaker 1: even when my family doesn't agree. Help tell me what
Speaker 1: you hear me saying. Tell me what you hear me saying.
Speaker 1: I hear you say that my choices, my power and
Speaker 1: my joy on my responsibility to take care of myself,
Speaker 1: and I can't make anyone else responsible for me. You
Speaker 1: hear very well. I'm trying to set a plan of
Speaker 1: vision for yourself. How do you want to be different
Speaker 1: a year from now? And write those things down and
Speaker 1: tell your friend about them. I could do that. Give
Speaker 1: yourself time, don't rush, don't rush, take your time and
Speaker 1: celebrate every little victory and prepare yourself for all of
Speaker 1: them to be piste off with you, and know that
Speaker 1: it won't kill him. Pisosity has never killed anybody. Yes, ma'am,
Speaker 1: thank you so much. Al right, my love, good luck
Speaker 1: to you. Give me a call maybe in about three
Speaker 1: months and let me know how you're doing. I will,
Speaker 1: bye bye. I think the only thing that's harder to
Speaker 1: break than a family pattern is a family habit. Habits
Speaker 1: are hard to break, but they can be broken. They
Speaker 1: can be broken with honesty. The first thing you have
Speaker 1: to do is let yourself know this is a habit,
Speaker 1: and this is how the habit operates, and this is
Speaker 1: how I enroll other people to participate in the habit
Speaker 1: for me. Family habits, they exist in every family. Sometimes
Speaker 1: we call them tradition. Sometimes we call them responsibility. Responsibility,
Speaker 1: Your joy, your peace, your power, your choices are your responsibility,
Speaker 1: regardless of what's going on in your family as of today,
Speaker 1: your joy is your job. Your joy is your job,
Speaker 1: and you've got to work on it eight hours a day,
Speaker 1: forty hours a week, and your pay will be freedom.
Speaker 1: I hope this has been helpful to someone, and if
Speaker 1: you have a question about this or any other relationship issue,
Speaker 1: you can call me live at seven seven five three
Speaker 1: zero seven seven seven six eight. Now be sure to
Speaker 1: follow me on social media for all of the calling times,
Speaker 1: and until then, stay in peace and not pieces. The
Speaker 1: R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership
Speaker 1: with I Heart Radio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio,
Speaker 1: visit the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever
Speaker 1: you listen to your favorite shows.