1 00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:08,200 Speaker 1: I am the Omla. I had a baby daddy relationship. 2 00:00:08,680 --> 00:00:11,160 Speaker 1: I spent time in a relationship with a married man. 3 00:00:11,720 --> 00:00:15,640 Speaker 1: I had to learn the skills and tools required to 4 00:00:15,760 --> 00:00:20,360 Speaker 1: make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the 5 00:00:20,400 --> 00:00:24,680 Speaker 1: Our Spot, a production of shondaland Audio in partnership with 6 00:00:24,840 --> 00:00:48,199 Speaker 1: I Heart Radio. Family Relationships. Family relationships. Family relationships related 7 00:00:48,240 --> 00:00:52,680 Speaker 1: by blood, related by mind, related by heart, related by soul, 8 00:00:53,760 --> 00:00:59,200 Speaker 1: related by blood, related by heart, related by soul, but 9 00:00:59,360 --> 00:01:07,520 Speaker 1: also related by dysfunction, related by habit, related by obligation, 10 00:01:08,920 --> 00:01:13,399 Speaker 1: related by the patterns that we saw and heard and 11 00:01:13,520 --> 00:01:19,560 Speaker 1: learned by watching other family members. And even when we 12 00:01:19,600 --> 00:01:24,279 Speaker 1: can see quite clearly that the patterns that we learned 13 00:01:24,319 --> 00:01:28,000 Speaker 1: that the things that we saw don't work for us, 14 00:01:29,360 --> 00:01:32,160 Speaker 1: we may not have the knowledge, to strength or the 15 00:01:32,280 --> 00:01:41,360 Speaker 1: information required to live beyond the family relationships. And it's 16 00:01:41,440 --> 00:01:46,080 Speaker 1: difficult to try to figure out how not to get 17 00:01:46,240 --> 00:01:49,360 Speaker 1: hung up on the very same things that you see 18 00:01:49,360 --> 00:01:54,880 Speaker 1: other people in your family hung up on. Family relationships. 19 00:01:54,880 --> 00:02:01,000 Speaker 1: They're difficult, they're challenging, and they can be healed. It's 20 00:02:01,000 --> 00:02:05,280 Speaker 1: gonna take some work, and sometimes it's going to take 21 00:02:05,520 --> 00:02:09,440 Speaker 1: your willingness and know that when you do that, they 22 00:02:09,560 --> 00:02:16,359 Speaker 1: are going to be in high piosity, but you can survive. 23 00:02:17,120 --> 00:02:22,399 Speaker 1: My first caller has a very common family relationship. Take 24 00:02:22,400 --> 00:02:28,079 Speaker 1: a listen. Good afternoon, beloved, Welcome to the our spot. 25 00:02:28,160 --> 00:02:32,560 Speaker 1: What is your issue, challenge, relationship dilemma that we can 26 00:02:32,639 --> 00:02:37,840 Speaker 1: discuss and nibble on today? Good afternoon. UM. My dilemma 27 00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:44,240 Speaker 1: is my relationship with like my family, UM, my spouse, 28 00:02:44,400 --> 00:02:48,200 Speaker 1: my friends. I feel like I have to do a 29 00:02:48,200 --> 00:02:54,320 Speaker 1: lot of people pleasing UM, not necessarily what I want 30 00:02:54,320 --> 00:02:58,200 Speaker 1: to do. Not necessarily I'm not able to follow, Like 31 00:02:58,320 --> 00:03:01,560 Speaker 1: my life have. I feel like I'm not able to 32 00:03:01,600 --> 00:03:05,000 Speaker 1: follow what I want to do as far as UM, 33 00:03:05,120 --> 00:03:10,079 Speaker 1: my career goes where I want to live, like they 34 00:03:10,160 --> 00:03:13,480 Speaker 1: just I don't know, they're not really allowing me to do. 35 00:03:15,480 --> 00:03:18,760 Speaker 1: Tell me what you mean when you say not able 36 00:03:18,840 --> 00:03:24,440 Speaker 1: to follow? Um. Three years ago, I relocated from my hometown. UM. 37 00:03:24,480 --> 00:03:27,760 Speaker 1: I was pretty successful in my hometown, but it's a 38 00:03:27,880 --> 00:03:30,919 Speaker 1: small city, so I kind of felt like I had 39 00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:34,400 Speaker 1: reached the ceiling there. So I made a, UM, you know, 40 00:03:34,440 --> 00:03:39,400 Speaker 1: a personal decision to relocate to Houston, a place as 41 00:03:39,520 --> 00:03:42,600 Speaker 1: much bigger from where I'm from. UM. And once I 42 00:03:42,760 --> 00:03:46,160 Speaker 1: moved there, I feel like I became way more happier, 43 00:03:46,440 --> 00:03:48,800 Speaker 1: Like I felt like a lot of the weight that 44 00:03:48,920 --> 00:03:51,360 Speaker 1: I was carrying being back home, Like I lost my 45 00:03:51,440 --> 00:03:55,600 Speaker 1: grandmother back home, and that's who raised me. So I 46 00:03:55,640 --> 00:03:57,400 Speaker 1: just felt like I had a lot of weight for 47 00:03:57,600 --> 00:04:00,280 Speaker 1: me being back home. I wasn't happy. I wasn't really 48 00:04:00,320 --> 00:04:05,680 Speaker 1: happy with the relationship that my family had with one another, 49 00:04:05,920 --> 00:04:08,520 Speaker 1: so I wanted to move away from that. I did. 50 00:04:09,480 --> 00:04:12,120 Speaker 1: I was happy my business was going more so in 51 00:04:12,120 --> 00:04:15,119 Speaker 1: the direction that I wanted it to go, and then 52 00:04:15,200 --> 00:04:19,239 Speaker 1: my family called me to return home to help take 53 00:04:19,240 --> 00:04:24,560 Speaker 1: care of my grandfather. So I did like that instant. 54 00:04:24,600 --> 00:04:27,120 Speaker 1: I didn't think about it. I didn't question everything. I 55 00:04:27,240 --> 00:04:31,200 Speaker 1: literally shut down my salon um. I left my other 56 00:04:31,320 --> 00:04:34,440 Speaker 1: job that I had in Houston, like I left everything. 57 00:04:34,480 --> 00:04:38,960 Speaker 1: I left my my home, my new friends, like everything 58 00:04:39,040 --> 00:04:43,599 Speaker 1: that I had made for myself. I just I left it. 59 00:04:44,040 --> 00:04:49,039 Speaker 1: Why did you leave everything? Because your family called? Why 60 00:04:49,080 --> 00:04:52,880 Speaker 1: did you do that? Well, because my my grandparents raised me. 61 00:04:53,279 --> 00:04:56,400 Speaker 1: I wasn't raised by my parents, so I kind of 62 00:04:56,440 --> 00:05:00,640 Speaker 1: felt like I was obligated to come back and take 63 00:05:00,680 --> 00:05:03,200 Speaker 1: care of my grandfather says he is the person who 64 00:05:03,320 --> 00:05:06,359 Speaker 1: raised me. That was the only option you saw is 65 00:05:06,400 --> 00:05:09,440 Speaker 1: to leave everything that I built and created and go 66 00:05:09,560 --> 00:05:14,600 Speaker 1: back home out of obligation. Yes, who called you my 67 00:05:14,680 --> 00:05:20,159 Speaker 1: mother and my eyes? And is that her father? The father? Yes? 68 00:05:20,360 --> 00:05:22,839 Speaker 1: And so why didn't they do it? I don't know. 69 00:05:23,880 --> 00:05:28,280 Speaker 1: M hmm. Interesting. So, so what exactly is the problem, 70 00:05:28,360 --> 00:05:32,160 Speaker 1: because I'm not hearing the problem? Well, I'm I'm just 71 00:05:33,440 --> 00:05:36,080 Speaker 1: it's kind of what I already expected since I've come 72 00:05:36,120 --> 00:05:39,680 Speaker 1: back home. I'm just I'm not happy. Everything is gone, 73 00:05:39,880 --> 00:05:43,479 Speaker 1: like all the the confidence that I had gained being 74 00:05:43,520 --> 00:05:47,080 Speaker 1: and and the newer environment, Like I just felt like 75 00:05:48,560 --> 00:05:54,279 Speaker 1: everything that I wanted I was finally getting once I left. 76 00:05:54,480 --> 00:05:57,960 Speaker 1: Do you understand that you are in the situation you're 77 00:05:58,040 --> 00:06:01,880 Speaker 1: in because of the choice that you made, And the 78 00:06:01,960 --> 00:06:05,520 Speaker 1: choice that you made was to give up on yourself 79 00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:08,960 Speaker 1: or give up on your dream to fulfill an obligation. 80 00:06:10,760 --> 00:06:13,080 Speaker 1: Now that was a choice, because you get have brought 81 00:06:13,120 --> 00:06:17,920 Speaker 1: your grandfather to where you are. I tried. They wouldn't 82 00:06:18,000 --> 00:06:21,760 Speaker 1: allow it. What does that mean you? I've asked you 83 00:06:21,800 --> 00:06:25,479 Speaker 1: that question before. They won't allow it. You mean the 84 00:06:25,560 --> 00:06:28,279 Speaker 1: people that didn't want to take care of him, the 85 00:06:28,400 --> 00:06:32,880 Speaker 1: people that called you, wouldn't allow you to do what 86 00:06:33,800 --> 00:06:36,960 Speaker 1: they wouldn't. I don't know. It's hard to explain with 87 00:06:37,040 --> 00:06:40,520 Speaker 1: my family, like I'm the one that steps up and 88 00:06:40,560 --> 00:06:42,880 Speaker 1: does a lot of things, but at the same time 89 00:06:43,000 --> 00:06:48,599 Speaker 1: they don't. I don't know, they don't want to actually 90 00:06:48,640 --> 00:06:52,960 Speaker 1: give me credit for the things I do and then 91 00:06:53,080 --> 00:06:55,400 Speaker 1: do what I do do things like this move that 92 00:06:55,440 --> 00:06:58,800 Speaker 1: I made that was used to me to them is 93 00:06:58,880 --> 00:07:02,960 Speaker 1: kind of my notes. Like they look at it like, well, um, 94 00:07:03,000 --> 00:07:06,200 Speaker 1: this is where you're from, you know, that's what you 95 00:07:06,240 --> 00:07:10,080 Speaker 1: should do, like they kind of they just look at 96 00:07:10,120 --> 00:07:13,200 Speaker 1: it dead, like what I have planned in the dings 97 00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:16,400 Speaker 1: that I want is not really important to them. Well, 98 00:07:16,440 --> 00:07:19,600 Speaker 1: you know, beloved, the things that are important to you 99 00:07:20,560 --> 00:07:24,840 Speaker 1: will not be important to anyone else until they are 100 00:07:25,000 --> 00:07:29,840 Speaker 1: important to you. And when they are important to you, 101 00:07:30,640 --> 00:07:36,080 Speaker 1: then you will make choices that support what's best for you. 102 00:07:37,360 --> 00:07:41,360 Speaker 1: Right now, you're turning over your life to other people 103 00:07:41,840 --> 00:07:45,080 Speaker 1: and then complaining about it and making them wrong. Yes, 104 00:07:45,840 --> 00:07:49,600 Speaker 1: this was your choice, so you turned it over to them. 105 00:07:49,760 --> 00:07:52,240 Speaker 1: You want them to think that what you built in 106 00:07:52,360 --> 00:07:55,400 Speaker 1: Houston was important when you didn't. You didn't think it 107 00:07:55,520 --> 00:07:59,200 Speaker 1: was important enough to stay. You gave it up. They 108 00:07:59,240 --> 00:08:04,360 Speaker 1: didn't take it. Yes, man, this role of rescuer, this 109 00:08:04,560 --> 00:08:08,360 Speaker 1: role of people pleasing as you say, is that a 110 00:08:08,480 --> 00:08:11,760 Speaker 1: role that you volunteered for? The one that you were 111 00:08:11,800 --> 00:08:17,720 Speaker 1: assigned a kind of roll. I'm the oldest um as 112 00:08:17,720 --> 00:08:21,960 Speaker 1: far as like i'm the oldest child on the oldest grandchild, UM, 113 00:08:22,040 --> 00:08:24,680 Speaker 1: I mean being raised by my grandparents. Of course they 114 00:08:24,680 --> 00:08:29,200 Speaker 1: were a little older, so that responsibility role, it was 115 00:08:29,280 --> 00:08:32,640 Speaker 1: kind of just throw it onto me as a kid, 116 00:08:32,760 --> 00:08:36,080 Speaker 1: and I've just I've kept it. But how's that working 117 00:08:36,120 --> 00:08:42,000 Speaker 1: for you? Well, it must be because you keep doing it. 118 00:08:42,000 --> 00:08:46,559 Speaker 1: It's interesting how roles that we are assigned, or roles 119 00:08:46,600 --> 00:08:51,000 Speaker 1: that we volunteered for, and then when we outgrow them, 120 00:08:51,040 --> 00:08:54,000 Speaker 1: we don't know how to stand in the new person 121 00:08:54,080 --> 00:08:57,920 Speaker 1: that we are. And I kind of hear that's what's 122 00:08:57,960 --> 00:09:00,440 Speaker 1: going on for you, that you don't know how to 123 00:09:00,600 --> 00:09:06,679 Speaker 1: stand for yourself, so you lean on others and then 124 00:09:06,720 --> 00:09:10,160 Speaker 1: when they lean back, you get upset about it. But 125 00:09:10,280 --> 00:09:13,600 Speaker 1: here's something, and I really want you to hear this. 126 00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:16,520 Speaker 1: I want you to hear this. I want to say 127 00:09:16,559 --> 00:09:20,440 Speaker 1: this with as much love and respect as possible. Okay, 128 00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:25,360 Speaker 1: and always know I'm never talking about anybody from a 129 00:09:25,480 --> 00:09:28,680 Speaker 1: judgmental place, but I just want to bring Sometimes you 130 00:09:28,720 --> 00:09:33,200 Speaker 1: need a little cold water in your face. You're ready 131 00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:38,240 Speaker 1: for a little dash of cold water. Okay, your mother 132 00:09:38,360 --> 00:09:42,680 Speaker 1: didn't raise you, and now she's asking you to take 133 00:09:42,720 --> 00:09:50,559 Speaker 1: care of her father. Does that make sense to you? Oh, 134 00:09:50,600 --> 00:09:54,920 Speaker 1: but you volunteered to participate. Yes, I heard you say 135 00:09:54,960 --> 00:09:57,640 Speaker 1: that growing up, you had to take care of the 136 00:09:57,720 --> 00:10:01,600 Speaker 1: kids and you had to take care of the household. 137 00:10:02,480 --> 00:10:09,640 Speaker 1: So your primary responsibility was to other people. Yeah, And 138 00:10:09,720 --> 00:10:14,440 Speaker 1: how does that make you feel? That your primary responsibility 139 00:10:14,600 --> 00:10:18,679 Speaker 1: in your life is to other people? How does that 140 00:10:18,720 --> 00:10:24,720 Speaker 1: make you feel? Um? Sometimes I feel good because I 141 00:10:24,760 --> 00:10:27,080 Speaker 1: know that I am helping others, But a lot of 142 00:10:27,120 --> 00:10:31,200 Speaker 1: times I just feel empty, like I just feel like 143 00:10:31,240 --> 00:10:37,240 Speaker 1: I'm not doing anything for me. Well, you can't if 144 00:10:37,760 --> 00:10:40,840 Speaker 1: other people are more important in your life than you are. 145 00:10:41,679 --> 00:10:45,920 Speaker 1: And it sounds like you never grew the muscle of 146 00:10:46,080 --> 00:10:50,440 Speaker 1: taking care of you. You were programmed in patterned to 147 00:10:50,520 --> 00:10:53,160 Speaker 1: take care of other people. We could talk forever, but 148 00:10:53,200 --> 00:10:56,040 Speaker 1: if you're not willing to do something different, you're gonna 149 00:10:56,040 --> 00:10:58,880 Speaker 1: stay right where you are. So I want you to 150 00:10:58,960 --> 00:11:01,240 Speaker 1: hear this, and then I want you to tell me 151 00:11:01,320 --> 00:11:05,800 Speaker 1: what you're willing to do about If you don't enjoy 152 00:11:05,920 --> 00:11:09,880 Speaker 1: your life, other people will. We'll talk more about it 153 00:11:10,080 --> 00:11:20,240 Speaker 1: when we come back. Welcome back to the our spot. 154 00:11:20,720 --> 00:11:25,679 Speaker 1: We are continuing our conversation about the fact that other 155 00:11:25,760 --> 00:11:30,440 Speaker 1: people are enjoying your life more than you are. And 156 00:11:30,480 --> 00:11:34,160 Speaker 1: don't hear me saying you gotta abandon your grandfather, but 157 00:11:34,280 --> 00:11:38,960 Speaker 1: there are so many other possibilities. What are you willing 158 00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:43,559 Speaker 1: to do about the fact that other people are enjoying 159 00:11:43,640 --> 00:11:47,000 Speaker 1: your life more than you are because of the choices 160 00:11:47,200 --> 00:11:50,240 Speaker 1: you have made. I believe the thing I need to 161 00:11:50,280 --> 00:11:58,360 Speaker 1: do is starting uh huh. You're living the classic example 162 00:11:58,400 --> 00:12:01,240 Speaker 1: of if you don't have a strong no, you will 163 00:12:01,280 --> 00:12:05,040 Speaker 1: have a week yes if you say if you don't 164 00:12:05,080 --> 00:12:08,000 Speaker 1: say no to the things you don't want, you won't 165 00:12:08,040 --> 00:12:10,720 Speaker 1: be able to stand in the things that you do want. 166 00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:15,439 Speaker 1: So you didn't say no when you were summoned back home, 167 00:12:16,160 --> 00:12:19,719 Speaker 1: and now you can't stand in being back home and 168 00:12:19,760 --> 00:12:22,640 Speaker 1: doing what you agreed to do. So there's a very 169 00:12:22,679 --> 00:12:26,640 Speaker 1: important skill that you have to learn here and I 170 00:12:27,920 --> 00:12:32,360 Speaker 1: it's gonna take some work, and that is renegotiating the agreement. 171 00:12:33,840 --> 00:12:39,760 Speaker 1: Renegotiating the agreement. You made an agreement to come back 172 00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:43,760 Speaker 1: home and care for your grandfather. You did it out 173 00:12:43,800 --> 00:12:48,280 Speaker 1: of obligation, not out of desire. So now everyone is 174 00:12:48,600 --> 00:12:51,520 Speaker 1: brought into this agreement that you made that you'll do it. 175 00:12:52,120 --> 00:13:00,000 Speaker 1: How can you renegotiate that agreement? I'm trying. I'll give you, guys, 176 00:13:00,200 --> 00:13:02,040 Speaker 1: is a year and then you know, I need to 177 00:13:02,080 --> 00:13:05,960 Speaker 1: return back to where I was, and that's kind of 178 00:13:05,960 --> 00:13:07,720 Speaker 1: where it's stuck at. You know. As soon as I 179 00:13:07,800 --> 00:13:11,040 Speaker 1: get to that, then I'm hidden with all that. You know, Well, 180 00:13:11,480 --> 00:13:14,120 Speaker 1: we just don't understand why you don't want to be here. 181 00:13:14,400 --> 00:13:17,160 Speaker 1: It's not that bad and because I don't want to 182 00:13:17,160 --> 00:13:21,600 Speaker 1: be looked as why not? Why don't you want to 183 00:13:21,600 --> 00:13:25,120 Speaker 1: be looked at as a bad guy? Bad guys pay taxes, 184 00:13:25,240 --> 00:13:28,880 Speaker 1: bad guy's brust their teeth, Bad guys can make money. 185 00:13:28,920 --> 00:13:32,800 Speaker 1: Bad guys can do everything everybody else can do. Because 186 00:13:33,559 --> 00:13:36,160 Speaker 1: you you are do any of the people that you're 187 00:13:36,160 --> 00:13:39,520 Speaker 1: talking to have a business. People will hold you to 188 00:13:39,640 --> 00:13:43,560 Speaker 1: the vision that they have of you and for you, 189 00:13:44,040 --> 00:13:47,760 Speaker 1: and then get mad at you when you try to 190 00:13:47,840 --> 00:13:51,400 Speaker 1: live beyond that. Yes, and I feel like that's exactly 191 00:13:51,440 --> 00:13:54,120 Speaker 1: what has happened. So what are you willing to do 192 00:13:54,160 --> 00:13:58,800 Speaker 1: about it? That's the question. You you know, exactly what 193 00:13:58,920 --> 00:14:04,200 Speaker 1: the situation is you've volunteered for the position of taking 194 00:14:04,240 --> 00:14:09,319 Speaker 1: care of people. You have given them the right to 195 00:14:09,679 --> 00:14:14,800 Speaker 1: limit and structure your life. You've made an agreement that 196 00:14:14,880 --> 00:14:20,400 Speaker 1: you are unable or unwilling to keep and and this 197 00:14:20,480 --> 00:14:24,440 Speaker 1: is huge, this is huge. You are the one who 198 00:14:24,480 --> 00:14:27,680 Speaker 1: made it out, and the one who makes it out 199 00:14:27,760 --> 00:14:30,800 Speaker 1: carries a lot of guilt because I'm not going to 200 00:14:30,960 --> 00:14:33,760 Speaker 1: tell you that they're wrong and you're right. I'm not 201 00:14:33,800 --> 00:14:37,200 Speaker 1: telling you that. I'm telling you that you gave them 202 00:14:37,280 --> 00:14:44,640 Speaker 1: permission and you participate and other people making choices for 203 00:14:44,720 --> 00:14:48,440 Speaker 1: you in your life. You did that. So the only 204 00:14:48,480 --> 00:14:50,840 Speaker 1: way to undo it is for you to make some 205 00:14:50,920 --> 00:14:55,960 Speaker 1: new choices. Right, I think amazing I need to do 206 00:14:56,200 --> 00:15:00,480 Speaker 1: is prize like I would do it again, to be 207 00:15:00,720 --> 00:15:07,440 Speaker 1: honest with everybody about what it is. Well, part of 208 00:15:07,480 --> 00:15:13,600 Speaker 1: it is stop explaining yourself. That's the first step. This 209 00:15:13,760 --> 00:15:16,240 Speaker 1: is what I'm doing, and I'm doing it for me. 210 00:15:16,680 --> 00:15:20,040 Speaker 1: I don't need your approval. I'd love your support, but 211 00:15:20,080 --> 00:15:23,080 Speaker 1: I'm gonna do it one way or the other. You 212 00:15:23,120 --> 00:15:27,200 Speaker 1: don't need their approval. At thirty three years old, you're 213 00:15:27,240 --> 00:15:30,920 Speaker 1: in the critical time of your life. It's the christ 214 00:15:31,040 --> 00:15:35,960 Speaker 1: years where you get to make choices and decisions for 215 00:15:36,080 --> 00:15:39,760 Speaker 1: your hiring greater good. You do not need their approval 216 00:15:40,600 --> 00:15:43,080 Speaker 1: because a family tree, you can put a noose around 217 00:15:43,080 --> 00:15:48,280 Speaker 1: your neck, Yes, and you either get to jump off 218 00:15:48,360 --> 00:15:51,120 Speaker 1: the ledge and hang yourself or you get to take 219 00:15:51,120 --> 00:15:55,320 Speaker 1: the noose off. But you've got to be willing. It 220 00:15:55,440 --> 00:15:59,200 Speaker 1: may not happen, but you have to be willing to 221 00:15:59,400 --> 00:16:04,240 Speaker 1: lose everything in order to gain yourself. And and it's 222 00:16:04,280 --> 00:16:07,640 Speaker 1: hard to say that when you're talking about family, but 223 00:16:07,680 --> 00:16:11,760 Speaker 1: I'm gonna say to you again, you volunteered for this role, 224 00:16:12,400 --> 00:16:18,000 Speaker 1: You voluntarily participated in it. You made choices that allowed 225 00:16:18,040 --> 00:16:21,440 Speaker 1: them to enjoy your life more than you enjoy it. 226 00:16:22,200 --> 00:16:24,520 Speaker 1: You are the one that made it out. And now 227 00:16:24,600 --> 00:16:28,960 Speaker 1: you're allowing guilt to call you bad. It doesn't matter 228 00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:31,680 Speaker 1: what it used to be. You used to be a 229 00:16:31,760 --> 00:16:36,400 Speaker 1: hundred pounds heavier than you are now. Yes, do you 230 00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:41,320 Speaker 1: want to pick that hundred pounds back up? Well you 231 00:16:41,400 --> 00:16:44,640 Speaker 1: already did you already you picked up your grandfather, you 232 00:16:44,680 --> 00:16:46,960 Speaker 1: picked up your mother, you picked up your aunt, you 233 00:16:47,080 --> 00:16:50,360 Speaker 1: picked up the rest of the family. Because you don't 234 00:16:50,360 --> 00:16:52,480 Speaker 1: want to be the bad guy bad. Do you have 235 00:16:52,560 --> 00:16:55,280 Speaker 1: a red dress? Do you have a really fancy, I 236 00:16:55,320 --> 00:17:01,840 Speaker 1: mean deliciously gorgeous red dress. You know you need to 237 00:17:01,880 --> 00:17:04,840 Speaker 1: get one. You need to get one because bad guys 238 00:17:04,920 --> 00:17:15,600 Speaker 1: wear red color. And I'm ahold of good thought for you. Okay, alright, love, 239 00:17:16,040 --> 00:17:20,480 Speaker 1: thank you for calling. Best of luck to you, Bye 240 00:17:20,520 --> 00:17:27,359 Speaker 1: bye bye. Sometimes I think that people have an allergy 241 00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:32,800 Speaker 1: to the truth. If you tell people the truth of 242 00:17:32,800 --> 00:17:35,920 Speaker 1: what you're thinking, what you're feeling, what you're seeing, they 243 00:17:36,119 --> 00:17:40,040 Speaker 1: just can't hear it, can't receive it. And sometimes in 244 00:17:40,040 --> 00:17:43,560 Speaker 1: our relationships, there's a truth that we need to tell, 245 00:17:43,720 --> 00:17:47,280 Speaker 1: the truth that we need to speak, but we're afraid. 246 00:17:48,359 --> 00:17:51,920 Speaker 1: She calls it people pleasing, she calls it, They won't. 247 00:17:51,960 --> 00:17:56,439 Speaker 1: She calls it. I can't, they won't let me. But 248 00:17:56,520 --> 00:17:59,719 Speaker 1: the truth of the matter is it's simply a family 249 00:17:59,760 --> 00:18:02,840 Speaker 1: path done that she's been taught and trained to live 250 00:18:02,880 --> 00:18:06,159 Speaker 1: in and live up to. And she doesn't have the 251 00:18:06,359 --> 00:18:11,920 Speaker 1: muscle to do something different, not yet. Oh but all 252 00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:15,880 Speaker 1: things are possible, And my next caller is learning all 253 00:18:15,920 --> 00:18:21,199 Speaker 1: about family habits. Take a listen, greetings, beloved, welcome to 254 00:18:21,240 --> 00:18:25,280 Speaker 1: the art spot, And what is your relationship trauma difficulty 255 00:18:25,800 --> 00:18:31,920 Speaker 1: problem upset breakdown? So that we can have a breakthrough today. Okay, first, 256 00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:33,760 Speaker 1: let me just say it's her honor speaking with you. 257 00:18:35,160 --> 00:18:41,439 Speaker 1: Thank you. So my issue with self doubt and self confidence, 258 00:18:41,520 --> 00:18:43,639 Speaker 1: it's just the fact that I'm filled with self doubt 259 00:18:43,760 --> 00:18:47,320 Speaker 1: and I have no self confidence. I think it comes 260 00:18:47,400 --> 00:18:51,240 Speaker 1: from the trauma that I experienced in my life, like 261 00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:55,240 Speaker 1: my family, which is filled of like violence and just 262 00:18:55,520 --> 00:19:00,240 Speaker 1: like both physical and like verbal abuse. And when I 263 00:19:00,320 --> 00:19:03,119 Speaker 1: was very young, they put a lot of responsibility on 264 00:19:03,200 --> 00:19:05,520 Speaker 1: me to be the mediator in the family, to be 265 00:19:05,680 --> 00:19:08,560 Speaker 1: the soother and the family, to be the nurturer and 266 00:19:08,560 --> 00:19:11,840 Speaker 1: the family, and it felt like I wasn't seen or 267 00:19:11,960 --> 00:19:14,879 Speaker 1: heard unless I was doing exactly what they wanted me 268 00:19:14,920 --> 00:19:17,520 Speaker 1: to do, and if I wasn't, it was as if 269 00:19:17,560 --> 00:19:20,000 Speaker 1: I didn't matter. My opinion didn't matter, what I thought 270 00:19:20,000 --> 00:19:23,520 Speaker 1: didn't matter. And so as I've grown, it's just become 271 00:19:23,520 --> 00:19:27,880 Speaker 1: a situation of just like I don't know what direction 272 00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:30,439 Speaker 1: my life should go based on what I want and 273 00:19:30,520 --> 00:19:33,440 Speaker 1: what I feel, and any time I have like, Okay, 274 00:19:33,480 --> 00:19:36,080 Speaker 1: this is what I want, it's like everyone around me 275 00:19:36,240 --> 00:19:37,840 Speaker 1: just like you're not going to be able to do it. 276 00:19:37,880 --> 00:19:39,720 Speaker 1: You're you know, you're not going to be to stefful 277 00:19:39,760 --> 00:19:43,960 Speaker 1: with that, and it's like I just crumble and I 278 00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:45,960 Speaker 1: don't know what to do with that. I heard you 279 00:19:46,040 --> 00:19:50,080 Speaker 1: say that you have no self confidence. Is that accurate? Yes? 280 00:19:50,600 --> 00:19:54,439 Speaker 1: I want to challenge that. I believe you have absolute 281 00:19:54,640 --> 00:19:58,680 Speaker 1: confidence in the fact that you will fail. Yes. Would 282 00:19:58,680 --> 00:20:04,200 Speaker 1: that be accurate? So it's not that you don't have confidence, 283 00:20:04,240 --> 00:20:06,720 Speaker 1: it's just that you're putting it in the wrong place. 284 00:20:08,200 --> 00:20:10,640 Speaker 1: You're putting it in the pattern that you learned, You're 285 00:20:10,680 --> 00:20:15,680 Speaker 1: putting it in the pathology that you live. So now 286 00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:21,160 Speaker 1: you are doing to yourself the very things that you 287 00:20:21,520 --> 00:20:31,680 Speaker 1: hold that they did to you. Can you see that? Yeah? Yeah, 288 00:20:31,880 --> 00:20:40,480 Speaker 1: So the same dysfunctional people that put you or supported 289 00:20:40,520 --> 00:20:43,640 Speaker 1: you in being in the place that you're in, why 290 00:20:43,680 --> 00:20:46,840 Speaker 1: would you discuss with them your vision and dreams for 291 00:20:46,880 --> 00:20:50,840 Speaker 1: yourself knowing that that's not how they see you. Why 292 00:20:50,880 --> 00:20:54,120 Speaker 1: do you want their validation? Why do you want their support? 293 00:20:54,560 --> 00:20:57,920 Speaker 1: What will it do for you? The people that expose 294 00:20:58,000 --> 00:21:02,800 Speaker 1: you to violence, physical, an emotional trauma and abuse, why 295 00:21:02,840 --> 00:21:05,480 Speaker 1: do you want their support. I'm not saying you you 296 00:21:05,520 --> 00:21:08,159 Speaker 1: shouldn't want it, I'm just asking you why do you 297 00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:15,919 Speaker 1: want it? Um? I don't know, I don't know. I 298 00:21:15,920 --> 00:21:20,320 Speaker 1: guess because then I guess I'm so worthy, like I 299 00:21:20,800 --> 00:21:23,639 Speaker 1: I'm drawing a blank. I really don't know. What I 300 00:21:23,760 --> 00:21:26,800 Speaker 1: just want to support you in doing is getting to 301 00:21:26,880 --> 00:21:31,679 Speaker 1: the root. Getting to the root, because what happens is 302 00:21:31,720 --> 00:21:35,640 Speaker 1: we get a thought and we think it over and over, 303 00:21:35,760 --> 00:21:39,800 Speaker 1: even when we don't know that we're thinking it. We 304 00:21:39,920 --> 00:21:43,320 Speaker 1: think it over and over, and then it gets rooted 305 00:21:43,480 --> 00:21:48,000 Speaker 1: in the soil of our minds, and then it grows 306 00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:51,200 Speaker 1: into a flower or a tree, or a bush or weeds. 307 00:21:51,760 --> 00:21:55,120 Speaker 1: And you know, weeds kill off everything. They travel through 308 00:21:55,119 --> 00:21:57,440 Speaker 1: the through the ground and the earth, and they'll kill 309 00:21:57,480 --> 00:22:00,080 Speaker 1: off everything. So I think that you are war to 310 00:22:00,160 --> 00:22:04,920 Speaker 1: ring weeds. Let's see if we can break down and 311 00:22:05,160 --> 00:22:09,800 Speaker 1: uproot some of the things that you say. Okay, okay, okay, 312 00:22:10,160 --> 00:22:22,000 Speaker 1: we'll do it right after this break. Welcome back to 313 00:22:22,040 --> 00:22:26,760 Speaker 1: the our spot. Let's get back to the conversation. You said. 314 00:22:27,200 --> 00:22:32,080 Speaker 1: I was taught family is the most important thing. How 315 00:22:32,160 --> 00:22:39,959 Speaker 1: do you define family? I define family as the people 316 00:22:40,040 --> 00:22:45,000 Speaker 1: who know you best. I mean the people that keep 317 00:22:45,040 --> 00:22:47,520 Speaker 1: telling you you can't do what you wanna do, the 318 00:22:47,640 --> 00:22:50,960 Speaker 1: people who are telling you that you're fail in your 319 00:22:51,040 --> 00:22:54,680 Speaker 1: dreams and your wishes because they know you best, the 320 00:22:54,680 --> 00:22:59,840 Speaker 1: ones that subjected you to emotional, psychological, physical abuse. Those 321 00:22:59,840 --> 00:23:03,320 Speaker 1: are to people who know you best. No, they don't. 322 00:23:03,600 --> 00:23:08,440 Speaker 1: But that's what you're saying. Have they taken the time 323 00:23:08,440 --> 00:23:13,520 Speaker 1: to know you? No, not me. Have they taken the 324 00:23:13,640 --> 00:23:18,120 Speaker 1: time to find out what's important to you? So let 325 00:23:18,160 --> 00:23:24,040 Speaker 1: me give you a definition of family, because I think 326 00:23:24,720 --> 00:23:31,040 Speaker 1: very often we think of family with some illustrious, almost 327 00:23:31,119 --> 00:23:36,280 Speaker 1: magical thinking. Okay, a family are the descendants of a 328 00:23:36,280 --> 00:23:43,120 Speaker 1: common ancestor. That's what family is. People united by blood, 329 00:23:44,680 --> 00:23:50,159 Speaker 1: born one from another from a common ancestor. So on 330 00:23:50,280 --> 00:23:54,720 Speaker 1: your father's line, on your mother's line, those two lines 331 00:23:54,800 --> 00:23:58,359 Speaker 1: came together, and then you have a common ancestor with 332 00:23:58,520 --> 00:24:02,359 Speaker 1: your father, your grandfather father. You know, your father, his father, 333 00:24:02,720 --> 00:24:06,040 Speaker 1: his father's father, his father's father. There's a common ancestor. 334 00:24:06,920 --> 00:24:10,760 Speaker 1: There's nothing in the description of family that says you 335 00:24:10,840 --> 00:24:13,520 Speaker 1: have to support each other, that you need their validation, 336 00:24:13,960 --> 00:24:19,080 Speaker 1: that you uh can't move without them, that you're obligated 337 00:24:19,160 --> 00:24:22,800 Speaker 1: to stay with them. There's nothing in the definition of 338 00:24:23,040 --> 00:24:29,560 Speaker 1: family that says anything about that. You It's two or 339 00:24:29,560 --> 00:24:33,480 Speaker 1: more people related by birth, marriage, or adoption who lived together. 340 00:24:34,080 --> 00:24:39,959 Speaker 1: That's it, and share a common ancestor. Right, So this 341 00:24:40,040 --> 00:24:45,000 Speaker 1: whole notion of you need their support and they've got 342 00:24:45,119 --> 00:24:48,800 Speaker 1: that they have to support you number one, that they 343 00:24:48,800 --> 00:24:52,159 Speaker 1: should support you, number two, that they will support you 344 00:24:52,280 --> 00:24:57,480 Speaker 1: number three, that's something that we made up, okay, And 345 00:24:57,520 --> 00:25:00,960 Speaker 1: we'd like it to be that they support us, that 346 00:25:01,080 --> 00:25:04,360 Speaker 1: they encourage us, that they uplift us. But when they 347 00:25:04,440 --> 00:25:13,280 Speaker 1: start out subjecting themselves and us to physical, emotional, psychological 348 00:25:13,320 --> 00:25:19,080 Speaker 1: trauma and abuse, chances are that unless everybody does the work, 349 00:25:19,200 --> 00:25:22,280 Speaker 1: that's not gonna change. I've told this story over and over, 350 00:25:22,320 --> 00:25:24,200 Speaker 1: but I'm gonna tell you because it might be helpful. 351 00:25:26,240 --> 00:25:29,080 Speaker 1: So to everybody everybody else is listening that's heard it, 352 00:25:29,160 --> 00:25:34,560 Speaker 1: please forgive me. My brother was an alcoholic and a 353 00:25:34,680 --> 00:25:37,480 Speaker 1: drug addict from the time he was sixteen years old, 354 00:25:38,400 --> 00:25:44,920 Speaker 1: and he he because we two were subjected to psychological 355 00:25:46,119 --> 00:25:52,399 Speaker 1: an emotional trauma and our home. I was subjected to 356 00:25:52,520 --> 00:25:58,240 Speaker 1: physical abuse both personally, meaning I was physically abused, and 357 00:25:58,280 --> 00:26:01,160 Speaker 1: I grew up in the household where it was domestic violence. 358 00:26:02,800 --> 00:26:09,520 Speaker 1: And so I really, through the grace of God's source, 359 00:26:09,600 --> 00:26:15,760 Speaker 1: creator just I was able to live beyond that. He 360 00:26:16,080 --> 00:26:19,600 Speaker 1: drowned it his pain and drugs and alcohol and he 361 00:26:19,720 --> 00:26:22,320 Speaker 1: wanted me to do that with him. He wanted to 362 00:26:22,320 --> 00:26:24,959 Speaker 1: tell the same old story about how bad it was, 363 00:26:25,040 --> 00:26:27,480 Speaker 1: how horrible it was, what they did to him, what 364 00:26:27,600 --> 00:26:30,320 Speaker 1: they did to us, blah blah blah. And I had 365 00:26:30,400 --> 00:26:34,000 Speaker 1: done my work and I just wasn't there. And one 366 00:26:34,080 --> 00:26:36,760 Speaker 1: day I found the courage. I don't know, must have 367 00:26:36,760 --> 00:26:43,080 Speaker 1: been in my toe nail. I found the courage to 368 00:26:43,119 --> 00:26:45,399 Speaker 1: say to him, I don't I'm not gonna talk about 369 00:26:45,400 --> 00:26:47,640 Speaker 1: that no more. I don't want to talk about that. 370 00:26:47,960 --> 00:26:49,879 Speaker 1: I don't see it that way, I don't feel it 371 00:26:49,920 --> 00:26:51,840 Speaker 1: that way. I don't live it that way. And if 372 00:26:51,960 --> 00:26:55,679 Speaker 1: you want to continue talking about how bad it was 373 00:26:55,840 --> 00:27:00,520 Speaker 1: back then, it's not going on now. So I don't 374 00:27:00,520 --> 00:27:02,560 Speaker 1: want to talk about it if it's not going on now. 375 00:27:03,040 --> 00:27:06,399 Speaker 1: And he said to me, you are so stupid. I said, well, 376 00:27:06,560 --> 00:27:09,280 Speaker 1: if that's how you feel, then we don't have to talk. 377 00:27:09,320 --> 00:27:11,840 Speaker 1: And he said okay and hung up. And I didn't 378 00:27:11,840 --> 00:27:16,439 Speaker 1: talk to my brother for five years, five long years. 379 00:27:16,880 --> 00:27:19,919 Speaker 1: This was my oldest brother, my hero, my big brother. 380 00:27:21,000 --> 00:27:24,600 Speaker 1: But in that five years, I made a commitment to 381 00:27:24,720 --> 00:27:29,160 Speaker 1: myself to live beyond the dysfunction that I have been 382 00:27:29,200 --> 00:27:34,879 Speaker 1: taught to live beyond it, and even if it cost 383 00:27:35,000 --> 00:27:40,240 Speaker 1: me my relationship with my brother, I wanted more for myself. 384 00:27:42,800 --> 00:27:46,440 Speaker 1: And it's not easy because I lost him, I lost 385 00:27:46,480 --> 00:27:51,359 Speaker 1: my nephews, I lost, you know, my only tie to 386 00:27:51,480 --> 00:27:55,400 Speaker 1: my family because our parents were dead. Right. The thing 387 00:27:55,480 --> 00:28:00,159 Speaker 1: that I learned in that is that I was so 388 00:28:01,880 --> 00:28:08,919 Speaker 1: wedded or married to the belief that it couldn't get better, 389 00:28:09,920 --> 00:28:14,800 Speaker 1: that I couldn't see the ways that it could. Yeah, 390 00:28:14,960 --> 00:28:17,960 Speaker 1: and that's exactly where I am right now, and somehow 391 00:28:18,040 --> 00:28:23,399 Speaker 1: through grace and mercy, you know, It's like, one of 392 00:28:23,400 --> 00:28:27,800 Speaker 1: the reasons my brother could continuously do drugs and alcohol 393 00:28:28,040 --> 00:28:30,480 Speaker 1: was because he hung out with people who did drugs 394 00:28:30,480 --> 00:28:33,919 Speaker 1: and alcohol. And one of the reasons I continued to 395 00:28:34,040 --> 00:28:37,000 Speaker 1: hurt was because I hung out with people who were hurting. 396 00:28:37,720 --> 00:28:41,080 Speaker 1: And when I stopped, when I stopped hanging out with 397 00:28:41,120 --> 00:28:46,560 Speaker 1: people who were hurting, I stopped hurting. It was magic. 398 00:28:48,840 --> 00:28:52,240 Speaker 1: And it's not going to be easy. It's not going 399 00:28:52,280 --> 00:28:55,600 Speaker 1: to be easy, and they are not going to agree 400 00:28:55,640 --> 00:29:01,920 Speaker 1: with you, and it's okay if they don't, because the greatest, 401 00:29:02,800 --> 00:29:05,880 Speaker 1: the greatest, I don't want to say the word revenge, 402 00:29:06,720 --> 00:29:10,960 Speaker 1: but the greatest thing you can do is demonstrate to 403 00:29:11,200 --> 00:29:14,600 Speaker 1: yourself and them that it doesn't have to be that way. 404 00:29:16,000 --> 00:29:18,520 Speaker 1: You've got to demonstrate that. And they're not going to 405 00:29:18,600 --> 00:29:21,800 Speaker 1: agree with you, and they may not support you, and 406 00:29:21,840 --> 00:29:25,600 Speaker 1: it's not going to be easy, and that's okay. You 407 00:29:25,680 --> 00:29:29,720 Speaker 1: must be ready. Otherwise you wouldn't be calling me because 408 00:29:29,760 --> 00:29:32,880 Speaker 1: I'm gonna give it to you straight, no chaser, and 409 00:29:32,960 --> 00:29:36,880 Speaker 1: I appreciate it. Tell me what scares you about that? 410 00:29:36,960 --> 00:29:44,800 Speaker 1: Tell me what frightens you about what you're hearing me say? What? Uh? 411 00:29:45,440 --> 00:29:49,840 Speaker 1: It's not being alone, it's being without them. You won't 412 00:29:49,840 --> 00:29:52,440 Speaker 1: be alone. It's being people on the planet. Some of 413 00:29:52,440 --> 00:29:56,800 Speaker 1: them want to know you. It's not being alone, it's 414 00:29:56,880 --> 00:30:02,680 Speaker 1: being without them. Okay, because being with them is something 415 00:30:02,720 --> 00:30:06,200 Speaker 1: that you said earlier, which is a habit. And habits 416 00:30:06,320 --> 00:30:11,200 Speaker 1: are hard to break, beloved, Habits are hard to break, 417 00:30:11,280 --> 00:30:16,719 Speaker 1: they really are, but they can be broken. So you 418 00:30:16,760 --> 00:30:19,680 Speaker 1: have a habit of not being supported. You have a 419 00:30:19,720 --> 00:30:22,400 Speaker 1: habit of not being heard. You have a habit of 420 00:30:22,400 --> 00:30:25,560 Speaker 1: not being seen. You have a habit of not having 421 00:30:25,600 --> 00:30:29,000 Speaker 1: what you want to the degree that you don't even 422 00:30:29,040 --> 00:30:32,960 Speaker 1: believe that what you want is important. You have a 423 00:30:33,000 --> 00:30:35,840 Speaker 1: habit of not being important. You have a habit of 424 00:30:35,920 --> 00:30:42,800 Speaker 1: not mattering. So those are habits. Well, you know, as 425 00:30:42,800 --> 00:30:46,360 Speaker 1: a coach, what I would say to you, the first 426 00:30:47,040 --> 00:30:50,440 Speaker 1: way you have to go about breaking a habit is 427 00:30:50,480 --> 00:30:56,440 Speaker 1: to avoid tempting situations, the situations that will tempt you 428 00:30:56,880 --> 00:30:59,920 Speaker 1: to do the very thing you've always done. So when 429 00:31:00,040 --> 00:31:02,360 Speaker 1: you said, when you I try to tell them what 430 00:31:02,400 --> 00:31:04,480 Speaker 1: I want, they tell me you can't do that. You'll 431 00:31:04,520 --> 00:31:07,720 Speaker 1: never do that. So you have to avoid that situation 432 00:31:08,080 --> 00:31:10,760 Speaker 1: of telling them what you want. That's the first thing, 433 00:31:11,760 --> 00:31:16,080 Speaker 1: because that's an unhealthy behavior. The second thing you have 434 00:31:16,240 --> 00:31:20,800 Speaker 1: to do is you have to prepare yourself mentally for 435 00:31:20,920 --> 00:31:27,760 Speaker 1: the worst possible scenario. And we can do that right now. Okay, Okay, 436 00:31:27,800 --> 00:31:31,720 Speaker 1: so let's let's go here. In order for you to 437 00:31:31,960 --> 00:31:36,920 Speaker 1: stand up for yourself, to grow self value, self worth, 438 00:31:36,960 --> 00:31:43,000 Speaker 1: and self confidence, you will have to step away from 439 00:31:43,040 --> 00:31:50,920 Speaker 1: from your family. Okay, Okay, take a breath. So I 440 00:31:50,960 --> 00:31:55,480 Speaker 1: want you to say this with me, repeated and completed. Okay, 441 00:31:55,560 --> 00:31:57,960 Speaker 1: I'm gonna give you a stem of a sentence. I 442 00:31:58,040 --> 00:32:01,480 Speaker 1: want you to repeat that stem and then completed with 443 00:32:01,640 --> 00:32:04,040 Speaker 1: the first thought that comes up in your mind. And 444 00:32:04,080 --> 00:32:06,840 Speaker 1: it doesn't have to make sense, don't don't try to 445 00:32:06,840 --> 00:32:10,400 Speaker 1: make it make sense, Okay, If I step away from 446 00:32:10,440 --> 00:32:14,960 Speaker 1: my family, say that. If I step away from my family, 447 00:32:15,800 --> 00:32:22,960 Speaker 1: what will happen is? What will happen is? I will 448 00:32:23,240 --> 00:32:27,360 Speaker 1: learn to stand on my own. And if I learned 449 00:32:27,440 --> 00:32:30,760 Speaker 1: to stand on my own, and if I learned to 450 00:32:30,800 --> 00:32:35,520 Speaker 1: stand on my own, what will happen is? What will 451 00:32:35,560 --> 00:32:44,960 Speaker 1: happen is I could actually be happy. And if I'm happy, 452 00:32:45,160 --> 00:32:49,920 Speaker 1: what will happen is? And if I'm happy, but what 453 00:32:50,120 --> 00:32:57,760 Speaker 1: happen is, I'll grow? And if I grow, what will 454 00:32:57,800 --> 00:33:01,640 Speaker 1: happen is? And if I grow, what what happened is? 455 00:33:04,200 --> 00:33:08,040 Speaker 1: I can be what I choose to be and not 456 00:33:08,160 --> 00:33:11,360 Speaker 1: what others want me to be. And if I'm not 457 00:33:11,520 --> 00:33:15,280 Speaker 1: what others want me to be, say that. And if 458 00:33:15,320 --> 00:33:18,080 Speaker 1: I'm not what others want me to be, what will 459 00:33:18,120 --> 00:33:23,320 Speaker 1: happen is? What what happen is I'll have to figure 460 00:33:23,320 --> 00:33:27,080 Speaker 1: out what I want to be. And if I figure 461 00:33:27,080 --> 00:33:29,520 Speaker 1: out what I want to be, what what happen is? 462 00:33:30,000 --> 00:33:35,560 Speaker 1: I'll have to actually do it. Ah, And if I 463 00:33:35,760 --> 00:33:39,600 Speaker 1: actually have to do what I want to do, I 464 00:33:39,720 --> 00:33:45,680 Speaker 1: will have any excuses. And if I don't have any excuses, 465 00:33:46,800 --> 00:33:50,160 Speaker 1: and if I don't have any excuses. What will happen 466 00:33:50,320 --> 00:33:55,560 Speaker 1: is I will have to take responsibility for my life. Yeah, 467 00:33:55,720 --> 00:33:59,200 Speaker 1: and that scares the be Jesus side of you because 468 00:33:59,240 --> 00:34:02,640 Speaker 1: you've never been responsible for your life. You've been responsible 469 00:34:03,080 --> 00:34:08,319 Speaker 1: to them and for them, and you've gotten beaten up 470 00:34:08,400 --> 00:34:19,279 Speaker 1: about the things that they failed at. Would that be accurate? Yes? Good, 471 00:34:19,800 --> 00:34:25,360 Speaker 1: good for you because another way, another thing that you 472 00:34:25,480 --> 00:34:28,239 Speaker 1: have to do to break a habit is tell the 473 00:34:28,440 --> 00:34:31,600 Speaker 1: absolute truth. And there's some truth that you just spoke 474 00:34:31,680 --> 00:34:34,680 Speaker 1: that I want to bring to your awareness that I'm 475 00:34:34,719 --> 00:34:39,919 Speaker 1: afraid to take responsibility for my life, so I give 476 00:34:40,000 --> 00:34:46,800 Speaker 1: myself excuses not to rather than run the risk of failing, 477 00:34:47,440 --> 00:34:51,000 Speaker 1: because they have told you that you'll fail, and that's 478 00:34:51,000 --> 00:34:55,080 Speaker 1: where you put your confidence in your failing. Yes, ma'am. 479 00:34:55,800 --> 00:35:00,440 Speaker 1: So to break this habit of being irresponded p ssible, 480 00:35:01,160 --> 00:35:04,799 Speaker 1: because that's what it is. To break the habit of 481 00:35:04,840 --> 00:35:11,400 Speaker 1: giving yourself excuses for not taking full responsibility for your power, 482 00:35:11,760 --> 00:35:15,600 Speaker 1: for your choices, for your greatness. You've got to avoid 483 00:35:15,680 --> 00:35:20,800 Speaker 1: tempting situations. That means the people you've got to prepare 484 00:35:20,840 --> 00:35:25,920 Speaker 1: yourself mentally. You've got to tell yourself the absolute truth. 485 00:35:26,960 --> 00:35:29,840 Speaker 1: You have to know what your triggers are how do 486 00:35:29,960 --> 00:35:34,319 Speaker 1: they trigger you? And see, these are all muscles like 487 00:35:34,440 --> 00:35:37,480 Speaker 1: in your mind that you have to build. And you've 488 00:35:37,520 --> 00:35:41,840 Speaker 1: got to exchange every bad habit for good habits. So 489 00:35:41,880 --> 00:35:44,240 Speaker 1: if you have a habit of talking to them about 490 00:35:44,280 --> 00:35:47,440 Speaker 1: what you're doing, switch that and don't say anything. Put 491 00:35:47,480 --> 00:35:50,640 Speaker 1: it in your journal, find a friend, get a coach, 492 00:35:52,360 --> 00:35:57,680 Speaker 1: get a mentor talk to them about it. Okay, you've 493 00:35:57,800 --> 00:36:00,960 Speaker 1: you've got to know that you'll slip back and forth. 494 00:36:01,000 --> 00:36:08,319 Speaker 1: But when you catch yourself slipping, shift, shift, and you've 495 00:36:08,360 --> 00:36:12,840 Speaker 1: got to reward yourself for every small step. This is 496 00:36:12,880 --> 00:36:17,880 Speaker 1: a small step speaking to someone outside the inner circle 497 00:36:18,120 --> 00:36:23,439 Speaker 1: who's going to tell you something different. Yeah, celebrate that 498 00:36:23,680 --> 00:36:28,319 Speaker 1: you did a good thing. You did a good thing. 499 00:36:29,719 --> 00:36:34,759 Speaker 1: I want you to write this down. My choices mm hmm. 500 00:36:35,640 --> 00:36:44,840 Speaker 1: My power, my joy are my responsibility. My choices, my power, 501 00:36:44,960 --> 00:36:49,200 Speaker 1: my joy are my responsibility. Not my mother's not, my 502 00:36:49,320 --> 00:36:53,360 Speaker 1: father's not, my brother's not, my grandmother not my auntie. 503 00:36:53,800 --> 00:37:01,160 Speaker 1: My my choices, my power, my joy are my responsibility, 504 00:37:02,719 --> 00:37:09,719 Speaker 1: even when my family doesn't agree. Help tell me what 505 00:37:09,800 --> 00:37:12,160 Speaker 1: you hear me saying. Tell me what you hear me saying. 506 00:37:13,080 --> 00:37:18,319 Speaker 1: I hear you say that my choices, my power and 507 00:37:18,400 --> 00:37:23,480 Speaker 1: my joy on my responsibility to take care of myself, 508 00:37:25,000 --> 00:37:29,279 Speaker 1: and I can't make anyone else responsible for me. You 509 00:37:29,360 --> 00:37:36,719 Speaker 1: hear very well. I'm trying to set a plan of 510 00:37:36,920 --> 00:37:40,200 Speaker 1: vision for yourself. How do you want to be different 511 00:37:40,280 --> 00:37:45,640 Speaker 1: a year from now? And write those things down and 512 00:37:45,719 --> 00:37:49,399 Speaker 1: tell your friend about them. I could do that. Give 513 00:37:49,440 --> 00:37:53,120 Speaker 1: yourself time, don't rush, don't rush, take your time and 514 00:37:53,280 --> 00:37:57,640 Speaker 1: celebrate every little victory and prepare yourself for all of 515 00:37:57,680 --> 00:38:01,839 Speaker 1: them to be piste off with you, and know that 516 00:38:02,000 --> 00:38:08,359 Speaker 1: it won't kill him. Pisosity has never killed anybody. Yes, ma'am, 517 00:38:09,600 --> 00:38:12,759 Speaker 1: thank you so much. Al right, my love, good luck 518 00:38:12,800 --> 00:38:15,719 Speaker 1: to you. Give me a call maybe in about three 519 00:38:15,760 --> 00:38:18,640 Speaker 1: months and let me know how you're doing. I will, 520 00:38:19,080 --> 00:38:24,600 Speaker 1: bye bye. I think the only thing that's harder to 521 00:38:24,680 --> 00:38:29,640 Speaker 1: break than a family pattern is a family habit. Habits 522 00:38:29,719 --> 00:38:32,920 Speaker 1: are hard to break, but they can be broken. They 523 00:38:32,960 --> 00:38:36,200 Speaker 1: can be broken with honesty. The first thing you have 524 00:38:36,280 --> 00:38:39,760 Speaker 1: to do is let yourself know this is a habit, 525 00:38:40,080 --> 00:38:42,960 Speaker 1: and this is how the habit operates, and this is 526 00:38:43,000 --> 00:38:46,960 Speaker 1: how I enroll other people to participate in the habit 527 00:38:47,040 --> 00:38:51,960 Speaker 1: for me. Family habits, they exist in every family. Sometimes 528 00:38:51,960 --> 00:38:58,200 Speaker 1: we call them tradition. Sometimes we call them responsibility. Responsibility, 529 00:38:58,760 --> 00:39:03,839 Speaker 1: Your joy, your peace, your power, your choices are your responsibility, 530 00:39:04,000 --> 00:39:08,880 Speaker 1: regardless of what's going on in your family as of today, 531 00:39:09,239 --> 00:39:16,360 Speaker 1: your joy is your job. Your joy is your job, 532 00:39:16,840 --> 00:39:21,640 Speaker 1: and you've got to work on it eight hours a day, 533 00:39:21,840 --> 00:39:27,720 Speaker 1: forty hours a week, and your pay will be freedom. 534 00:39:27,760 --> 00:39:30,080 Speaker 1: I hope this has been helpful to someone, and if 535 00:39:30,120 --> 00:39:34,760 Speaker 1: you have a question about this or any other relationship issue, 536 00:39:35,080 --> 00:39:38,319 Speaker 1: you can call me live at seven seven five three 537 00:39:38,440 --> 00:39:41,600 Speaker 1: zero seven seven seven six eight. Now be sure to 538 00:39:41,680 --> 00:39:45,160 Speaker 1: follow me on social media for all of the calling times, 539 00:39:45,520 --> 00:39:55,960 Speaker 1: and until then, stay in peace and not pieces. The 540 00:39:56,160 --> 00:40:00,120 Speaker 1: R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership 541 00:40:00,120 --> 00:40:04,400 Speaker 1: with I Heart Radio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, 542 00:40:04,840 --> 00:40:08,720 Speaker 1: visit the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever 543 00:40:08,800 --> 00:40:10,840 Speaker 1: you listen to your favorite shows.