Speaker 1: Welcome to Katie's Crib, a production of Shonda Land Audio
Speaker 1: in partnership with I Heart Radio. Welcome back to Katie's Crib.
Speaker 1: Katie Lowe's here, or rather barely here. It's October. We're
Speaker 1: in a pandemic, the election is fast approaching, and so
Speaker 1: is my second baby. By the way, we're getting into
Speaker 1: the marathon of the holidays, and oh yeah, there's that
Speaker 1: little extra thing on our plate called school that is
Speaker 1: really stressing moms out. So today we've invited some people
Speaker 1: to help talk about all of these stressors with a
Speaker 1: real emphasis on the school portion. Here are my special guests,
Speaker 1: Dr Laura Markham of AJA Parenting and Bethany Robertson of
Speaker 1: Parents Together. Welcome you guys. I'm so happy you're here.
Speaker 1: Let's throw it to um. Dr Markham first, tell us, Okay,
Speaker 1: you're a doctor, what do you do? Tell us a
Speaker 1: little bit about AHA Parenting, and then we'll talk to
Speaker 1: Bethany a little bit about Parents Together, and then we
Speaker 1: can get into how you guys are going to help
Speaker 1: all of our Kati's Crib listeners today. What I do
Speaker 1: is I support parents to have the best possible relationship
Speaker 1: with their children. And teach them how to coach their
Speaker 1: kids so their kids learn skills to manage their own minds,
Speaker 1: to manage their own anxiety, and to manage their behavior
Speaker 1: so kids become more emotionally intelligent and are able to
Speaker 1: show up in the world as their bestselves. What I
Speaker 1: need to hire you personally from me and my child.
Speaker 1: I first was introduced to you. You did a beautiful
Speaker 1: short Instagram video with Natalie Portman UM and I saw
Speaker 1: it on the Parents Together Instagram and it was just
Speaker 1: very It was just a distresser, right, we all need
Speaker 1: to distress. Yes, parents need to just give themselves a hug.
Speaker 1: And actually you can just take your hands and put them,
Speaker 1: just rub them on your arms and actually shifts your
Speaker 1: body chemistry slows down the stress hormones. Guys, I'm doing
Speaker 1: this right now, me and Dr Laura Markham are just
Speaker 1: rubbing our arms and I'm feeling like I'm in a
Speaker 1: much better place to host this episode. So thank you
Speaker 1: for that. Um and Bethany tell us about Parents Together,
Speaker 1: how you started it. Also, you're a mom yourself, how
Speaker 1: old your kids are? Tell us a little bit about yourself. Yeah,
Speaker 1: so I have two kids, ages five and ten. So
Speaker 1: we're in the midst of kindergarten virtual learning and fifth
Speaker 1: grade virtual learning, which are really different. Beast Um and
Speaker 1: I started Parents Together along with an amazing team because
Speaker 1: I wanted to be more politically active, but I knew
Speaker 1: that her parents we have so much for managing. Even
Speaker 1: before the pandemic, we all had so much to do,
Speaker 1: and it's really hard to know what can I do
Speaker 1: to really fight for my kids future and how do
Speaker 1: I stand up for my child given all the the
Speaker 1: things that I'm managing. So Parents Together is a force
Speaker 1: of two point five million families around the country. Oh
Speaker 1: my god. So we are working every day to support
Speaker 1: each other getting through this with good parenting information and resources,
Speaker 1: many of which we have Dr Marka to thank for, Um,
Speaker 1: But we also provide easy, simple ways for people to
Speaker 1: take action on things that matter to them. So that's
Speaker 1: what we're doing. Incredible. I feel so lucky to have
Speaker 1: you on the podcast because I feel like by you
Speaker 1: running and managing something that has two point five million
Speaker 1: families at your fingertips, I just feel like you you
Speaker 1: have your figure tip is on the pulse of what
Speaker 1: is happening with parents right now, which is incredible. Um,
Speaker 1: So we've been talking a lot about how parents are
Speaker 1: under an enormous amount of stress right now. Um, and
Speaker 1: for a lot of families, virtual learning is just the
Speaker 1: tip of the iceberg. I can't even believe some of
Speaker 1: the trauma. It's illness right now, it's financial insecurity, it's
Speaker 1: social isolation. Um, it's it's really survival mode is the
Speaker 1: reality that the parents are looking at right now. Um.
Speaker 1: What do you guys think about the mental health of kids? Like,
Speaker 1: what what can what can adults do to support parents
Speaker 1: in this situation? Maybe? Dr Markham? Okay, so kids are
Speaker 1: out of their normal routine. Young children are fine as
Speaker 1: long as their parents are okay. But what parent is
Speaker 1: okay right now? As you said, it's a crash course
Speaker 1: and uncertainty and fear and frustration and the isolation really
Speaker 1: doesn't help. Humans are not meant to raise children in isolation.
Speaker 1: Kids were older than that, we do need to find
Speaker 1: ways for them to connect with other kids, either online
Speaker 1: or even in person safely. And that's a big challenge,
Speaker 1: right But I think that we can start always with
Speaker 1: any age child. We can start with us because even
Speaker 1: with teens, the more we're relaxed, comfortable, supportive, emotionally, generous, grounded.
Speaker 1: The more we can show up for our kids at
Speaker 1: any age, that's excellent. I have to keep reminding myself
Speaker 1: to take care of me UM. And then we haven't
Speaker 1: really done an episode specifically yet on school, which is
Speaker 1: why I'm really excited that you're both here, one with
Speaker 1: the pulse of two point five million families and one
Speaker 1: who is a doctor. How are you helping parents like
Speaker 1: really work life balance when everything is at home and
Speaker 1: kids are home school to talk to me either one
Speaker 1: jump in, Well, I would just say that the thing
Speaker 1: that we are hearing the most is it's just it's
Speaker 1: so overwhelming on every front, and just keeping it as
Speaker 1: simple as possible seems to be the key, and really
Speaker 1: staying connected to what matters. So I know that my
Speaker 1: son has more than five hours of scheduled zoom calls
Speaker 1: a day, which would kill any normal adult, right. It's
Speaker 1: just way way too much. And so what we have
Speaker 1: done with my fifth grader is to really hone in
Speaker 1: on one of the smallest possible segments we can do
Speaker 1: that really help him stay connected and up to date
Speaker 1: on his learning UM, but also just be realistic that
Speaker 1: that's that's not what works for most children or most humans. Um,
Speaker 1: but a lot of people don't have the flexibility to
Speaker 1: provide extra support to their kids on the side of
Speaker 1: what the schools are offering. And I think it's it's
Speaker 1: really important for us all to just be very patient
Speaker 1: and have a lot of grace with each other, to
Speaker 1: know that educators are doing everything they can to support us,
Speaker 1: but also to ask educators to have a lot of
Speaker 1: patients and understanding for the things that parents are really
Speaker 1: dealing with on a day to day basis. Yeah, I
Speaker 1: saw this crazy tweet that was like something like a
Speaker 1: lot of women have had to either quit their jobs
Speaker 1: because they are right now at home being facilitators of
Speaker 1: the zoom classes, like making sure their children log in
Speaker 1: and their their attendance is counted. And then I've heard
Speaker 1: of only people who have extreme privilege who can hire
Speaker 1: some COVID safe nanny or tutor to stand next to
Speaker 1: your children. Like, what is happening? How how are we
Speaker 1: supposed to sustain this? Like I I and I'm so
Speaker 1: grateful because I have a three year old, so I'm
Speaker 1: like whatever, But I I have a lot of friends
Speaker 1: and they are struggling. Yeah, I think especially at the
Speaker 1: younger ages. With my kindergartener, it is really almost impossible
Speaker 1: to expect her to do what they're asking her to do.
Speaker 1: And I very much understand it. They're trying to get
Speaker 1: her on her way to reading and writing and all
Speaker 1: of her peers with her um But I think that
Speaker 1: we have to be on a fast track to really
Speaker 1: focus on the kids that need the most help, and
Speaker 1: then for the rest of them, we need to focus
Speaker 1: on how do we help them get through this time
Speaker 1: emotionally mentally healthy? And I would love to hear Dr
Speaker 1: markhams to because I am struggling, and so are my kids,
Speaker 1: and so are the millions of families we work with. Yes,
Speaker 1: Dr Markham, how can we support our children through this time?
Speaker 1: There was an article that was just released, the New
Speaker 1: Parents Together Survey reveals that kids face mental health crisis
Speaker 1: as pandemic enters six months. So it was an incredible article.
Speaker 1: We can link to it in our crib notes. But
Speaker 1: how do we support our children through this uncertainty, isolation, anxiety.
Speaker 1: What's the most important thing we can do right now
Speaker 1: for our kids mental health? Bethany and I want to know.
Speaker 1: What we can do is pay attention to mental health,
Speaker 1: to emotional well being. The schools are doing what they're
Speaker 1: supposed to do. They're putting out the information to teach
Speaker 1: kids in the best way they can. That's COVID safe.
Speaker 1: That doesn't mean that it's the best thing for your child,
Speaker 1: because in fact, academic learning, it's it's not appropriate develop
Speaker 1: mentally to ask a fifth grader to be in front
Speaker 1: of zoom for five hours, and it's certainly not developmentally
Speaker 1: appropriate for a five or six year old to be
Speaker 1: in front of zoom at all. So what should we
Speaker 1: do well, First of all, minimize the amount of time
Speaker 1: to your child is in school every child. No child
Speaker 1: should go from bed to the breakfast table to the computer.
Speaker 1: They need to be outside first. They need to run around,
Speaker 1: they need to get grounded, They need to laugh. Laughter
Speaker 1: reduces the stress hormones circulating in the body and increases
Speaker 1: the bonding hormones and the feel good hormones, so they
Speaker 1: actually feel better then when they do sit down to
Speaker 1: connect with their teacher in their zoom class. Right, but
Speaker 1: also keep that too, only the most important things. They
Speaker 1: don't need to do the whole day. They need to
Speaker 1: do a few things and then have lots of breaks
Speaker 1: in between for free play, for time outside, for connection
Speaker 1: with parents. Now that raises the question, how can the
Speaker 1: parent have that connection time with their child if they
Speaker 1: have a job to do. That's basically impossible, right, So again,
Speaker 1: parents need to be on a split shift so that
Speaker 1: one of them is the morning and one is the afternoon,
Speaker 1: and they at least get some time to work without
Speaker 1: their child there. If they're trying to hold down a job.
Speaker 1: It is just an impossible time right now. But we
Speaker 1: shouldn't be balancing that budget that that impossibility on our
Speaker 1: children's backs. Kids do not need the academics right now.
Speaker 1: They will actually get more out of free play, being
Speaker 1: read to by their parents, you know, being outside, running around,
Speaker 1: and a little bit of school assignment, right, a little
Speaker 1: bit goes a long way. The thing that children who
Speaker 1: are at risk are the ones who don't have a
Speaker 1: parent who can spend any time with them. That's, of course,
Speaker 1: the biggest problem with is a society face that we're
Speaker 1: not dealing with very well, and those kids are not
Speaker 1: showing up on zoom. Most of us are guilty of
Speaker 1: letting our children go to bed too late during this pandemic. Actually, right, exactly,
Speaker 1: and I think most parents have moved in that direction.
Speaker 1: We actually need to get kids to bed at a
Speaker 1: reasonable hour so they wake up in the more be
Speaker 1: ready to learn, and then spend some time connecting with them.
Speaker 1: Parents who are challenged at this moment are not necessarily
Speaker 1: able to do that with their kids, and they don't
Speaker 1: even necessarily have enough devices for each child to be
Speaker 1: able to show up right. It's a whole it's unbelievable. Like,
Speaker 1: I don't understand why we can't all just take a pause,
Speaker 1: like can we just come back to school in like
Speaker 1: a year? Like I don't know how people are doing this,
Speaker 1: But of course I'm like, oh my god, I don't
Speaker 1: want any of the teachers to be out of work,
Speaker 1: and and I value, oh my gosh more than ever
Speaker 1: what they're trying to do. But for a person who
Speaker 1: has to hold down a job, what are you What
Speaker 1: are the most comments and things like that? Are you getting,
Speaker 1: Bethany from families together? Yeah, So the biggest thing that
Speaker 1: we're hearing is just this such economic distress in our families.
Speaker 1: People are just hurting. Um, you mentioned not having devices.
Speaker 1: We hear from so many people who are saying, like
Speaker 1: I can't afford to pay for the internet for the
Speaker 1: homeschool because I need to. I'm trading off already on
Speaker 1: bills and rent um. So you know, this gets a
Speaker 1: little bit more to what we as parents can do.
Speaker 1: But there's such a need for parents to stand up
Speaker 1: and say this is not okay. We are struggling and
Speaker 1: we've been abandoned, and really they're not. It's this isn't
Speaker 1: like if I just do this a little bit better,
Speaker 1: or if I just negotiate care a little bit differently,
Speaker 1: Like I can't solve it myself. What we really desperately
Speaker 1: need is more support for our family is through the
Speaker 1: form of unemployment insurance and food support. Um. You know,
Speaker 1: I think that's one of my key messages to families
Speaker 1: around the country right now, is like, if you feel
Speaker 1: really stressed and horrible and like you're failing at everything,
Speaker 1: first you're not alone, and second it is not your fault. Um,
Speaker 1: there is so much that we as a society should
Speaker 1: be doing does help families in need. Um that we've
Speaker 1: just said up, they'll figure it out, and it's actually
Speaker 1: it's an impossible thing to figure out. So money literally
Speaker 1: made me cry. So no, no, it's great, Like I'm
Speaker 1: just I can't believe it. I can't believe we're here.
Speaker 1: But you're right, it's not solvable. And yet every parent
Speaker 1: I talked to, and I'm sure every parent out there,
Speaker 1: just feels like for some reason it's their fault or
Speaker 1: their failing they can't provide what needs to be provided.
Speaker 1: But it's it's not possible, you know. I talked to
Speaker 1: parents all over the world, and the parents in places
Speaker 1: like France have a safety ned m. You know, no
Speaker 1: one's worried about losing their job. They can take the
Speaker 1: time to take care of their kids, to stay home
Speaker 1: with them during COVID. It's it is a solvable problem.
Speaker 1: It's just not solvable by individual families. It's solvable only
Speaker 1: at the level of society. And it's it would be
Speaker 1: having different priorities, it would be valuing families, right, I mean,
Speaker 1: Katie said, of course, we don't want teachers to be
Speaker 1: out of work, but we don't have to have our
Speaker 1: teachers out of work. We can say we should have
Speaker 1: first of all, said this summer, hey, something's going to
Speaker 1: be a little different this year. Let's pay our teachers
Speaker 1: to work all summer long to prepare for the school year. Um,
Speaker 1: we didn't do that, but we could do that now.
Speaker 1: We could say, let's pump money into our schools so
Speaker 1: that we have the support and the individuals we need
Speaker 1: to go out and get to those families who aren't
Speaker 1: showing up on the zoom calls and let's support them
Speaker 1: with extra love and resources and all the connections that
Speaker 1: they need to services. And for the rest of the teachers.
Speaker 1: You know, there are lots of different things that folks
Speaker 1: can be doing to support kids and families. Right now,
Speaker 1: it doesn't look like what we expect, and we haven't
Speaker 1: put the time, the money, or the creativity into supporting
Speaker 1: families and getting them what we need. How do we
Speaker 1: change If we as individuals cannot change this system that
Speaker 1: we are in and we don't know when we're getting
Speaker 1: out of it, do we think that making changes has
Speaker 1: to happen then on the voting level? Like is that
Speaker 1: where we're saying? Yes? So I gear up as a mom?
Speaker 1: How just too, how do you talk your kids about voting?
Speaker 1: And I want to hear from both of you on this,
Speaker 1: Like it makes me feel better when I read your
Speaker 1: instagrams and I'm like, oh, I can like make this
Speaker 1: a positive, exciting something in my control, even though I
Speaker 1: know it's not, but thing to my kid tell me
Speaker 1: about those posts, and because I do think this does
Speaker 1: relate if we need to make big changes in how
Speaker 1: our teachers are paid and how they're taken care of,
Speaker 1: and how our families in need during this time, who
Speaker 1: aren't getting unemployment, who have been fired, who you know,
Speaker 1: who can't afford the internet? How do we help these people?
Speaker 1: And we have to do it on a much bigger
Speaker 1: level than the individual. So there's much One of the
Speaker 1: things I love about voting. I mean, I'm a huge
Speaker 1: and obviously of getting out there and using our own vote, um,
Speaker 1: but it's such an amazing way to engage with our kids,
Speaker 1: right they because what is government? What is money? What
Speaker 1: our taxes? Like? It's so intangible for them, But voting
Speaker 1: is this thing that they can really right because you
Speaker 1: can show them. You can show them signs. You can say, oh,
Speaker 1: look like, what are all these road signs about, or
Speaker 1: what are these signs on these buildings? My kids are
Speaker 1: asking me all the time, well, which one is that?
Speaker 1: And what do they think about? And what are they for? Um?
Speaker 1: So it's a really interesting moment to say like, well,
Speaker 1: these are people who want to be our leaders, and
Speaker 1: you know what do they stand for? Then we can
Speaker 1: get real. We can say, well, these are the leaders
Speaker 1: that I'm for and why it's such an amazing opportunity
Speaker 1: to talk about what you value as a family, what's
Speaker 1: important to you, what you're choosing to invest in. Um,
Speaker 1: So who are you voting for and why? Like those
Speaker 1: are okay conversations to have with our kids and they
Speaker 1: can understand, um. But then there's the actual like what
Speaker 1: is voting mean? So with younger kids, you know, maybe
Speaker 1: it's voting on what we're going to have for dinner tonight.
Speaker 1: I love it's it's a great vote, you know. And
Speaker 1: so we're choosing together who has a vote? And how
Speaker 1: does that work if some of us want one thing
Speaker 1: and some of us want another, how do the numbers work? Um?
Speaker 1: And then you know, the most important thing that parents
Speaker 1: can do this year's vote early. We just we do
Speaker 1: not know what election day is going to look like.
Speaker 1: Uh So voting early means your kids can be a
Speaker 1: part of it. You can vote by mail, you can
Speaker 1: have your kid be a part of filling it out. Um.
Speaker 1: Obviously you have to sign it as the voter. But
Speaker 1: I can put this stamp on, they can put it
Speaker 1: into the mailbox like they can really feel like a
Speaker 1: part of that process. Um, you can also do early voting.
Speaker 1: Definitely defer to parents and safety procedures and that, but
Speaker 1: that is a nice way for parents to be able
Speaker 1: to go when the lines are much lower, much less crowded.
Speaker 1: I wouldn't take your kids, but you can talk to
Speaker 1: them about going. You can give them the stickers after
Speaker 1: you know, there are all these ways just to show
Speaker 1: them that you are a voter and you use your
Speaker 1: power as voter. What I was wearing up, it was like,
Speaker 1: that's something adults do and it's not our problem. I
Speaker 1: think this to involve my child in the positive ways
Speaker 1: that we use our voice, that helps them translate that
Speaker 1: to all different things that they vote for or stand
Speaker 1: for or use their voice for. Well, in fact, it
Speaker 1: helps their mental health. That's tell me, tell me, tell me,
Speaker 1: Because there's research that shows that when children see injustice
Speaker 1: in the world, if we communicate to them that well
Speaker 1: that's just the way it is. There's nothing you can
Speaker 1: really do about it, they become cynical. Whereas if we
Speaker 1: say that is a tragedy that is so terrible that happened.
Speaker 1: Let's talk about what our family could do to make
Speaker 1: that better, even if it's something very small. You know,
Speaker 1: they pack up their allowance and send it off to
Speaker 1: people who suffered from a hurricane and lost their home. Whatever.
Speaker 1: You know, they're you, they make cards, they you know,
Speaker 1: do you know it doesn't have to be about money.
Speaker 1: It can be about um, you know, sending a school
Speaker 1: supply or or you know, even just talking about being
Speaker 1: a citizen and voting empowers kids. And what we find
Speaker 1: when children see that there's something they can do, even
Speaker 1: something small, they become somebuddy who not only feels empowered
Speaker 1: to make a difference, they're more likely to raise their
Speaker 1: voice when they see injustice happening around them. So voting
Speaker 1: and being a citizen should always be on our family's
Speaker 1: agenda to talk about in a positive way. I love that.
Speaker 1: I'm really stressed about holidays coming up, no Halloween, election.
Speaker 1: How do I handle the stress of election? I've never
Speaker 1: had a kid during an election before. Um, what are
Speaker 1: their tips? Great question? So I think for everything that
Speaker 1: we do as adults, we do need to take care
Speaker 1: of our own emotions first, right, we if we're freaking out,
Speaker 1: we need to find a way to talk ourselves off
Speaker 1: the cliff. And everybody has. You know, the research shows
Speaker 1: that working out and meditating and getting enough sleep and
Speaker 1: not drinking too much, you know, eating a reasonable diet,
Speaker 1: all of those things are important to stay grounded and
Speaker 1: to keep our anxiety and check. And then there are
Speaker 1: small things like you know, we just did the thing
Speaker 1: with the arms. You can do e F T. Tapping
Speaker 1: on your hand. You know, there are lots of little
Speaker 1: things in the moment. Just breathing, just deep breathing. So
Speaker 1: if you hear a news report and it sends your
Speaker 1: blood pressure skyrocketing, stop, drop whatever it is, turn off
Speaker 1: the radio, whatever, you know, whatever you're listening to in
Speaker 1: the car, let's say, and take a deep breath, and
Speaker 1: that shifts again, shifts your body chemistry, and you can
Speaker 1: share with your child why you did that. You know,
Speaker 1: listening to those ads, I don't think what they were
Speaker 1: saying was true or I don't agree with that, and
Speaker 1: it's and I feel like it's it's not helpful to
Speaker 1: say those things. So I turned it off and I'm
Speaker 1: going to take deep us and I'll read because reading
Speaker 1: the paper actually is healthier than listening to that barrage
Speaker 1: of information, right, And you can say things like that
Speaker 1: to your child, but you can also ask them what
Speaker 1: they think. What I didn't like about what they said
Speaker 1: is they were they were trying to make us scared.
Speaker 1: For instance, often that's something that happens with political ads.
Speaker 1: They were trying to make us scared. But I don't
Speaker 1: think that helps. I think we can all come together
Speaker 1: as a society to take care of each other. That's
Speaker 1: what I believe. What do you think? And you just
Speaker 1: talked to your child's helpful? Taking nuts like crazy here?
Speaker 1: Going back a little bit to the school portion, I'm
Speaker 1: also curious, um in this time when kids are isolated,
Speaker 1: I really want to know how to teach my three
Speaker 1: year old how to be independent, play by himself. I
Speaker 1: can't play with him anymore. Do for that? That's you
Speaker 1: ease into it, right, So it's a developmental leap for
Speaker 1: children to be able to play, to be in the
Speaker 1: same room as you, the same space, focused on their
Speaker 1: own work while you're focused on something else. You're being
Speaker 1: there makes them feel safe so they can focus. Some
Speaker 1: kids get to that pretty easily. Some kids, you know,
Speaker 1: we were in their faces often when they're babies, and
Speaker 1: they get used to us being there and being part
Speaker 1: of everything they do, and it's actually not that helpful
Speaker 1: to them. So you can have times in your day
Speaker 1: where you always do that, where they have time that
Speaker 1: they can just play free play time, right, and you're
Speaker 1: with them, but you're doing something else. But you you
Speaker 1: get them started on something. So you say, I'll help
Speaker 1: you get started. What do you want to play with? And,
Speaker 1: by the way, before you even do that, get them laughing.
Speaker 1: Get them laughing first, because then they don't have stress
Speaker 1: levels built up right that that they're able to focus
Speaker 1: on something without meeting your support. And then you say,
Speaker 1: what would you like to do? Let's say they want
Speaker 1: to play with their legos? Great, and you help them
Speaker 1: get started. You get the legos with them, you sit
Speaker 1: with them, and you're really uh an assistant, You're really
Speaker 1: just there if they need help. You're beaming at them,
Speaker 1: you're pouring your love into them. And then you say, oh,
Speaker 1: I just need to check something quickly, and you you
Speaker 1: check something and you come back and you hover, but
Speaker 1: you're doing something else. Got it. That's great, That's so great.
Speaker 1: I love that mine, mine is like I'm gonna go pee.
Speaker 1: That's why I always like I'm just gonna go pee.
Speaker 1: My kid must think I have to pee all the time. Um,
Speaker 1: how do we fill the void of the in person
Speaker 1: social activity with classmates? That's my other big thing. Like
Speaker 1: my kids not you know, not starting preschool, but for
Speaker 1: kids that are on Zoom school that really needed that
Speaker 1: emotional social learning. What what's happened? What's happening there? So
Speaker 1: they do need to connect with other kids in order
Speaker 1: to feel connected to the school. Right, So if you
Speaker 1: can set up a learning buddy, that's really helpful, so
Speaker 1: the kids can meet on Zoom to do assignments together,
Speaker 1: quiz each other on their you know, spelling words or
Speaker 1: you know, multiplication tables or whatever. It really helps if
Speaker 1: they have someone just to go through whatever learning they're doing.
Speaker 1: If they're writing book reports, they can be writing a
Speaker 1: book report as they chat on Zoom about it. Right, Oh,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna go look this up. Okay, So what was
Speaker 1: the first thing we have to do? Oh? A synopsis?
Speaker 1: What's that mean? Even? And they can chat back and forth.
Speaker 1: Then then they don't feel so alone. It really helps
Speaker 1: kids to feel engaged with a learning when they have
Speaker 1: a learning buddy, and even when they have friends who
Speaker 1: are not learning buddies. Just Zoom play dates are super helpful,
Speaker 1: so you know, you don't really want them playing Minecraft
Speaker 1: on something at east. When they play Minecraft, they connect
Speaker 1: with the other children. You could, you know, get some
Speaker 1: clay and the friend can have some clay and they
Speaker 1: can make monsters together and show each other their monsters. Right,
Speaker 1: They're all kinds of ways for kids to have play
Speaker 1: dates on Zoom, even though we'd rather they could have
Speaker 1: them in person. Do you guys suggest like, I mean,
Speaker 1: I've been doing that. It's like safe sex, right, It's
Speaker 1: like this whole thing is like trusting people that they're
Speaker 1: making the choices you're making, and then selecting those people.
Speaker 1: And you know, it was really hard at first because
Speaker 1: the first family we potted up with it was a
Speaker 1: great match for the parents, it was not a great
Speaker 1: match for the toddlers. They don't play in similar ways
Speaker 1: um at all, and it was actually stressful. Um. And
Speaker 1: then since then we've one family. The parents are okay,
Speaker 1: but the kids are gangbusters, and they play in the
Speaker 1: front yard only outside, not in each other's houses. But
Speaker 1: they go off and it's and is that the sort
Speaker 1: of thing you guys are recommending, Bethany, Is that what
Speaker 1: you guys are doing with your two kids. Yeah, so
Speaker 1: we've also done a pod um, but we it was
Speaker 1: one that we've had. We've been in it since my
Speaker 1: son was born, so almost ten years. But I love
Speaker 1: the safe sex analogy because it does feel like when
Speaker 1: we started the pandemic with these friends and family that
Speaker 1: we live with, um, it was like, oh, you have coffee,
Speaker 1: did you go into the store? How did you get
Speaker 1: And it was this constant and so so much of
Speaker 1: it was about the trust and communication just so much
Speaker 1: like a relationship, in the relationship. And yet I'm still
Speaker 1: I'm really concerned about my younger in particular, because I
Speaker 1: know that so much of you know, preschool, kindergarten is
Speaker 1: really about those early like ability to negotiate relationships and
Speaker 1: be a good peer. And I would love to know
Speaker 1: a little bit more about that age because I feel
Speaker 1: like that's just that's like how do you simulate being
Speaker 1: in a group and how do you teach that? Because
Speaker 1: my son too, he's a big um you know, he's three,
Speaker 1: and if he had started preschool like we had in ended,
Speaker 1: you know, so much of it is about sharing and
Speaker 1: caring and empathy. And he's a big grabber of other
Speaker 1: people's toys and a hitter and things like that. Stuff
Speaker 1: that he needed to work out in school. That is
Speaker 1: really hard for him to work out with one kid.
Speaker 1: You know, So what, yeah, tell us Dr Markham, what
Speaker 1: what what do we do in this boat? I think
Speaker 1: you can learn those skills with one kid. I think
Speaker 1: you need a parent hovering by. You know, teachers are
Speaker 1: used to working this out and so they have it down.
Speaker 1: That's why they're effective at it. But it's not because
Speaker 1: there are a lot of kids. In fact, hitters inviters
Speaker 1: do it because they're threatened. Right, someone's taking their toys,
Speaker 1: Someone's looking at their toy, right, and that threat is
Speaker 1: going to rise if they're with more kids. So, in
Speaker 1: some ways, taking the pressure off and having just one
Speaker 1: child and helping him develop the words to say right.
Speaker 1: So if the parent is hovering nearby and can say,
Speaker 1: looks like you're worried, you know, Michael is not going
Speaker 1: to take that toy home. Michael's using the toy yours,
Speaker 1: And you can tell Michael we have to You can't
Speaker 1: just say use your words. Three year olds, even six
Speaker 1: year olds don't know what words to say. Right, you
Speaker 1: can tell Michael, it's my turn first, then you can
Speaker 1: have it. I'm almost done, right. So if we give
Speaker 1: kids the words, they learned that and they can apply
Speaker 1: those skills when they're in a larger group later. So
Speaker 1: I'm not as worried about that. But I don't think. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I do think that they can get overwhelmed in a
Speaker 1: group later, that if they are never with anything, you know,
Speaker 1: more than one child, that when they go into a
Speaker 1: classroom with more kids, it's a little overwhelming. But again,
Speaker 1: children are amazingly resilient. They will get used to it.
Speaker 1: What really matters is for us to keep our cool
Speaker 1: right and to be emotionally generous with them and to
Speaker 1: support them. If we can do that, the kids that
Speaker 1: age are going to be fine. Does that make you
Speaker 1: feel better, Bethany, It really does, especially the the ideas
Speaker 1: like that that practice one on one makes so much sense. Oh,
Speaker 1: thank you. I do feel better. I feel like as
Speaker 1: a parent, I'm managing my own emotions so much. And
Speaker 1: then you know, as kids get older, they just they
Speaker 1: understand more of what's happening. I've seen in my own kids,
Speaker 1: and we have heard from our families. Um, you know,
Speaker 1: seventy percent of kids say they feel worse than they
Speaker 1: did before the pandemic, that they're scared more often, um,
Speaker 1: and those things, they're just kind of heartbreaking as a
Speaker 1: parent to be able to respond to and to keep
Speaker 1: yourself positive. And I'd love to hear just if I
Speaker 1: can ask a question, please. So the thing that I'm
Speaker 1: really struggling with is when I'm down or not necessarily
Speaker 1: feeling optimistic, how do I be real with my kid
Speaker 1: but also provide him with a sense of hope and like,
Speaker 1: you know that the future will be better. That's so
Speaker 1: a great question for everyone listening. I think everyone feels
Speaker 1: that way sometimes everyone, And so it's important that we
Speaker 1: make sure that the bottom line is there's a foundation
Speaker 1: under your child, right, they're not just floating in the
Speaker 1: void with parents who don't know what they're doing. The
Speaker 1: adults are not actually as clueless as we might sometimes seem.
Speaker 1: And I think that's really important that that's the foundation is.
Speaker 1: You know, I'm feeling blue today, I feel a little overwhelmed.
Speaker 1: I'm worried about your grandmother. You know, it's COVID exposure
Speaker 1: I'm it's awfully hard to be, you know, isolated for
Speaker 1: this long, and you know you can say a few
Speaker 1: things and then and then find something that you can
Speaker 1: feel positive about, preferably something that has to do with
Speaker 1: your child. So, but you know what the silver lining is,
Speaker 1: it's so wonderful that I get more time with you.
Speaker 1: I love spending time with you. I'm so lucky to
Speaker 1: be your mom. So you're reaffirming the connection. And you say,
Speaker 1: and you know what, when I feel blue like this,
Speaker 1: I have found that it's everyone feels blue. Sometimes it's
Speaker 1: okay to feel blue. It's good to let myself feel
Speaker 1: that way and honor it. And I know things I
Speaker 1: can do to support myself. So I feel better. I'm
Speaker 1: going to work out this afternoon. That always makes me
Speaker 1: feel more energized. I'm going to listen to a little
Speaker 1: guided meditation before bed. In fact, we could listen to
Speaker 1: one as a family before dinner. What do you think?
Speaker 1: So let them see you have skills that you're using
Speaker 1: that we all need to use. Problem so super helpful. Um,
Speaker 1: this is a question we all need the answer to.
Speaker 1: Screen time help help, Oh my god, this is I mean,
Speaker 1: so now we're dealing with zoom school. Then kids, I'm
Speaker 1: sure still the older kids still want their TV or
Speaker 1: their mindcraft or whatever to like escape and just chill
Speaker 1: out like parents do. I'm like, what am I supposed
Speaker 1: to say? He wants TV? Yes, so do I. I'd
Speaker 1: like to go down a rabbit hole of eight hours
Speaker 1: of just like binge watching television. I'm not gonna lie.
Speaker 1: I want to escape this hell we are currently in.
Speaker 1: I think across the board and tell me Beth needs
Speaker 1: everyone just using the TV to cope, like what's happening. Well,
Speaker 1: we know that a screen use is just obviously shut up. Um,
Speaker 1: it's almost doubled for most kids, you know what they
Speaker 1: were before. And the hard part is that it's not
Speaker 1: just that they're escaping, it's like we're giving it to them.
Speaker 1: We're saying you have to be on UM. And so
Speaker 1: I'm really struggling with it in our house. UM in
Speaker 1: part in different ways. Sometimes it's like, no, don't make
Speaker 1: me do it anymore. UM. And then the other side
Speaker 1: of it is, oh my gosh, I watched this video
Speaker 1: for school. Let me watch the next video that shows
Speaker 1: up on YouTube. UM. So a lot of our work
Speaker 1: right now is really focused on online safety to try
Speaker 1: to help provide more tools from the tech companies because
Speaker 1: things are actually set up for parents and for adults, right,
Speaker 1: all of these things that encourage you to watch eight
Speaker 1: hours of binge on Netflix or whatever. Um, you know,
Speaker 1: it's set up to keep us hooked, and we have
Speaker 1: to create better safety systems for our kids because there's
Speaker 1: they're in that same environment now, but they don't know
Speaker 1: that YouTube is just going to give them the next
Speaker 1: thing and that is maybe not and probably not appropriate
Speaker 1: for them to keep watching. You guys just posted on
Speaker 1: Parents Together like a huge helpful. It was one of
Speaker 1: those things that made me so relieved I didn't have
Speaker 1: an older kid where I was like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: that's right, like giving them the tablet or the phone
Speaker 1: or whatever right now where you really need a break
Speaker 1: or whatever. It's like it can be endless. I mean
Speaker 1: just all the um what were you saying? Yeah, the
Speaker 1: control the safety controls um Dr Markham, what do you
Speaker 1: think about screen time? Or what I say to my
Speaker 1: child is we can't do anymore because your brain will
Speaker 1: turn to mush, which I don't think is a great
Speaker 1: He laughs because he calls oatmeal also mush. And he
Speaker 1: thinks it's hilarious. But I'm like, I tell him, I say,
Speaker 1: I love your brain so much and I really wanted
Speaker 1: to grow and change and have imagination and all these things.
Speaker 1: So we're only going to have a little bit of TV,
Speaker 1: you know. I don't know what the hell I'm pulling
Speaker 1: it out of my what do I say? I think
Speaker 1: that's great to say. I think what we want them
Speaker 1: to have is other things in their life they love doing, right,
Speaker 1: And remember, not all screen time is created equal. There's
Speaker 1: screen time where you're just zoning out, which is not
Speaker 1: great for kids. There's screen time where you're learning, and
Speaker 1: there are ways for kids, even younger kids to learn online.
Speaker 1: And then there's screen time where you're making things like
Speaker 1: making videos or even TikTok, you know, and that's a
Speaker 1: creative act or at true. So I wouldn't say all
Speaker 1: screen time is created equal. I think what Bethany has
Speaker 1: said about safety is all important, obviously, and then balance.
Speaker 1: It's like everything else, if we go into it with
Speaker 1: intention kids, I eat, you don't have to be regimented
Speaker 1: to have some sort of a routine where kids know
Speaker 1: what to expect. They like to know what to expect
Speaker 1: and if they know that, they go outside every morning,
Speaker 1: and they go outside again later, and they get time
Speaker 1: to read with you, and they get you know whatever.
Speaker 1: And as you're making dinner, they get some screen time.
Speaker 1: Four o'clock is screen time, and of course you exercise
Speaker 1: some control over what they're going to watch. That's completely fine.
Speaker 1: It's sort of like you get dessert after you've eaten
Speaker 1: healthy food, right, And I think we can explain it
Speaker 1: that way. Ah, that makes me feel so much better. Um, Like,
Speaker 1: I'm going to run through just a couple of quick
Speaker 1: things that I think could be helpful about this home
Speaker 1: schooling situation. Do you have any ideas either of you
Speaker 1: how you've seen with your parents together or any of
Speaker 1: your clients of like how to set up your child's
Speaker 1: school zone no matter whether you're in a tiny apartment
Speaker 1: or you're in a house or whatever. Like, what are
Speaker 1: we seeing is the best sort of school situation for
Speaker 1: kids at home right now? So at the beginning of
Speaker 1: all this, we have a great group for parenting in
Speaker 1: the Pandemic on Facebook, and people had all these colored
Speaker 1: charts and they had it all together. And I think
Speaker 1: stuff like that is actually toxic for families to see
Speaker 1: because it sets these expectations. Yeah, not into it, don't
Speaker 1: even go there. I can't. I would love it if
Speaker 1: the pandemic was like just the end of mom shaming
Speaker 1: and we all just said finally, you know what, We're
Speaker 1: all just trying to survive and we're doing the best
Speaker 1: we can. So color coded charts work for you great. Um,
Speaker 1: But I think what we are seeing more and more
Speaker 1: as people are just in survival mode. Right. So, but
Speaker 1: there are some practices we know as grown ups even
Speaker 1: that just help us. So what I'm trying to do
Speaker 1: is like you get up, you get out of bed,
Speaker 1: and that there's a routine that you're going and you're
Speaker 1: not you know, and I see so many kids on
Speaker 1: these zoom calls who are just kind of zoned out
Speaker 1: and and I think, you just it's so hard to
Speaker 1: keep the energy up. And so we're trying to figure
Speaker 1: out like if there's a break, you go outside, if
Speaker 1: there's a break, you do something, you do, jumping decks,
Speaker 1: whatever it is, so that there's kind of energy and
Speaker 1: we need I need that if I'm on calls all day. Um,
Speaker 1: but I know that it does not require a special
Speaker 1: like at sea level work room for your child to succeed.
Speaker 1: It just requires a place where they can be focused
Speaker 1: and quiet and be able to really get into the
Speaker 1: work that's there. That's really helpful. And what do you think,
Speaker 1: Dr Markham, anything from your clients that they have found useful.
Speaker 1: I think this short spurts of learning followed by activity
Speaker 1: is super important. You know, they can do a quick
Speaker 1: family dance party with you, they can blow some bubble.
Speaker 1: Sensory things are just as good as being active physically.
Speaker 1: You can play a quick game of take off each
Speaker 1: other's socks, you know, where you're on a soft surface
Speaker 1: like a better a rug and you they're trying to
Speaker 1: take off yours and you're trying to take off theirs,
Speaker 1: and of course you let them win. And after that
Speaker 1: it's amazing they've left, They've moved there, ready to sit
Speaker 1: down and focus again. But in terms of setting up
Speaker 1: their space, it's good if they have the same space
Speaker 1: every day with everything they need. But you know, if
Speaker 1: it's just a corner of your table, you know, you
Speaker 1: can just have a little box, a cardboard box that
Speaker 1: you bring over their stuff. That's fine. What they need
Speaker 1: really is a parent nearby and that's hard for many
Speaker 1: of us if we have other work we have to do,
Speaker 1: other children to look after, But it helps if we're
Speaker 1: there to keep them focused and they gradually can work
Speaker 1: up to longer periods of focus. Wow, you guys, I'm
Speaker 1: so blown away. Please tell me, Bethany Dr Markham things
Speaker 1: I'm forgetting. Any other tips. I don't think you're missing anything.
Speaker 1: I think you've you've hit the nail on the head
Speaker 1: about what most families are experiencing. I think there is
Speaker 1: something really important for parents to know, though, which is
Speaker 1: that when their children look back on this time years
Speaker 1: from now, what they're going to remember is how it
Speaker 1: felt to them. They're not going to care about whether
Speaker 1: they learned to read this year or next year. The
Speaker 1: school thing is irrelevant. They might not even really be
Speaker 1: aware that their parents were worried sick about money. You
Speaker 1: know what. They're going to remember that they ate dinner
Speaker 1: with their parents, that they had family dance parties, that
Speaker 1: when they missed their friends or couldn't you know, play
Speaker 1: soccer anymore or whatever, that their parents were there for
Speaker 1: them and held them and hugged them and reassured them
Speaker 1: and found ways to have fun, loving interactions with them.
Speaker 1: It's all about the connection and that's something that's hard
Speaker 1: for us to do when we're distracted. But that's why
Speaker 1: what Bethany said is so important. Simplify pair back. What
Speaker 1: matters is showing up in your home, keeping yourself on
Speaker 1: an eating keel, and connecting with your child. Yes. Yeah,
Speaker 1: And the thing I would say is just to come
Speaker 1: back to that idea of action really being an antidote
Speaker 1: to anxiety. That's like my mantra when I can't sleep, Katie.
Speaker 1: It's brilliant. It's brilliant, and I'm so grateful to know
Speaker 1: you to have that in my head. Yes, So action
Speaker 1: fights anxiety, and I think that, um. For for me,
Speaker 1: the key thing I just keep saying to all of
Speaker 1: our families is the voting. This is the thing we
Speaker 1: can do, you know, and that's voting for our president.
Speaker 1: It's all of our senate races. There's so much at
Speaker 1: stake in this election, and it is so critical that
Speaker 1: parents show up and say, hey, remember us, like we're
Speaker 1: really hurting and we really need federal support in particular. Um.
Speaker 1: But for parents, you know, I think of like what
Speaker 1: our parents do, well, well, we kind of figure out
Speaker 1: how to keep everything organizing and get stuff done. And
Speaker 1: this year, because of the pandemic Tinese silver lining, there's
Speaker 1: just so many more ways that we can do early voting,
Speaker 1: and so it's just like my key thing, get out there,
Speaker 1: vote early, and then tell all your friends, Hey, I
Speaker 1: did it? Did you do it? What's your plan? What
Speaker 1: are you doing? What are you going? Did you do
Speaker 1: mail in? You can do mail and there's so many options.
Speaker 1: Many states now also have early voting without any excuse.
Speaker 1: So that's like the top of my parental to do list.
Speaker 1: After teach fifth grade, can parton and work and maybe
Speaker 1: stay saying it's right right after those things. You are
Speaker 1: an inspiration, both of you. It's so helpful to think
Speaker 1: in terms of that. The goals in this pandemic with
Speaker 1: your children are literally just connecting and supporting them and
Speaker 1: loving them, and that's what they'll remember. And then my anxiety,
Speaker 1: which I know everyone is struggling with tenfold right now,
Speaker 1: is turn that anxiety into action. And the number one
Speaker 1: thing we can do to affect change is to use
Speaker 1: our voice. And the only way to use our voices
Speaker 1: to vote. Thank you guys so much for being on
Speaker 1: Katie's crib. I learned so much. Dr Markham Bethany, it
Speaker 1: has been a pleasure to have you on the podcast
Speaker 1: and and I think I just want to give such
Speaker 1: a shout out again to all the parents and caretakers
Speaker 1: out there who are doing their best and parents together
Speaker 1: is an incredible, incredible organization, all of them on Instagram.
Speaker 1: You guys have been such a help to me and
Speaker 1: Aja parenting also the same. I can't speak enough to
Speaker 1: both of what you guys are doing on the daily
Speaker 1: regular So thank you for coming on Katie's Crib and
Speaker 1: you guys am always curious about your questions, comments, concerns.
Speaker 1: Email me Katie's Crib at Shanda land dot com. Thanks
Speaker 1: for listening. Katie's Crib is a production of Shonda land
Speaker 1: Audio in partnership with I Heart Radio. For more podcasts
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