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Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome to a new episode of couch

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Speaker 1: Talks on You Need Therapy Podcast.

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Speaker 2: My name is Kat.

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Speaker 1: I am the host, and quick reminder before we get

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Speaker 1: into today's episode. Couch Talks is the special bonus episode

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Speaker 1: of You Need Therapy that comes out every single Wednesday,

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Speaker 1: where I answer questions that listeners send to me at

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Speaker 1: Katherine at you Need Therapy podcast dot com. And like

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Speaker 1: any other episode, although I am answering your questions here,

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Speaker 1: which is not like every other episode, this podcast does

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Speaker 1: not serve as a replacement or substitute for any actual

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Speaker 1: mental health services. However, we always hope that it can

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Speaker 1: help you in some way. So usually we do one

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Speaker 1: question a week on couch Talks, and I just read

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Speaker 1: the email that you guys send to me, and I

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Speaker 1: always keep them anonymous. But this week I'm going to

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Speaker 1: take a couple questions that I got from Instagram. Had

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Speaker 1: it put up when I said I was going to

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Speaker 1: do a rapid fire episode and I didn't, so I

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Speaker 1: saved them and I'm doing it now. So instead of

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Speaker 1: doing one long answer to one question today, I'm gonna

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Speaker 1: do a couple shorter answers to more questions.

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Speaker 2: So let's get into it. The first one.

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna start with this one because this is a

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Speaker 1: little bit more personal than just therapy things. And this

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Speaker 1: person asked, did you ever have a period where you

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Speaker 1: thought you'd never meet somebody or get married? You know,

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Speaker 1: I do not think that I can ever say I

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Speaker 1: never had this thought, But I do not think that

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Speaker 1: I actually believed that thought. If they were more fleeting

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Speaker 1: thoughts when I was disappointed by something, or you know,

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Speaker 1: there was some sadness brought on about something. But I

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Speaker 1: do not think I ever really fully believed that that

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Speaker 1: would never happen, even though I did have a lot

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Speaker 1: of misfortune in the dating world for very long period

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Speaker 1: of time. I just assumed or thought that maybe I

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Speaker 1: was gonna get married in like my fifties or my sixties.

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Speaker 1: But I didn't think it was never going to happen.

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Speaker 1: And one thing I had to do is I had

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Speaker 1: to go through a grieving period of what I thought

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Speaker 1: my life was going to look like. And I also,

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Speaker 1: in that grieving period, had to ask myself if the

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Speaker 1: idea that I had in my head of what my

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Speaker 1: life was supposed to look like in that respect was

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Speaker 1: actually what I wanted and if that idea that I

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Speaker 1: had in my head was actually better than what I had,

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Speaker 1: because just because I didn't get or didn't have what

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Speaker 1: I wanted, it doesn't mean that I didn't get anything

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Speaker 1: and I didn't have anything. You know a quote that

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Speaker 1: I come back to a lot from Emily Party that

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Speaker 1: was on You Need Therapy a while ago to talk

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Speaker 1: about body image and pregnancy and the whole motherhood process

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Speaker 1: parenting process. She said, just because you didn't get what

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Speaker 1: you wanted, it doesn't mean you get nothing. I love that,

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Speaker 1: and I think that that's actually something that I had

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Speaker 1: to think about a lot in that period of my

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Speaker 1: life before I did find my husband. And I think

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Speaker 1: there's so much to say on this topic. Me and Stacy,

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Speaker 1: who's another therapist at Three Quods Therapy, talk about this

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Speaker 1: a little bit in a sense the episode that's coming

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Speaker 1: out this next Monday, this following Monday. But I think

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Speaker 1: that we absorb the idea of what we want from

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Speaker 1: our society.

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Speaker 2: And from culture.

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Speaker 1: We just absorb it unconsciously, and oftentimes because it's unconscious,

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Speaker 1: we don't realize that we actually have the ability to

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Speaker 1: want something else, and so questions that we could be

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Speaker 1: asking ourselves, is do I want this? Or is this

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Speaker 1: what I want? Because this is what was sold to

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Speaker 1: me or told to me, or this is what other

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Speaker 1: people have and they look happy or it looks like

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Speaker 1: life's working out for them. And yes, it is true

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Speaker 1: that I was often sad and disappointed in my dating life,

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Speaker 1: and I also chose to believe that something was still

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Speaker 1: out there for me, and maybe it just looked different

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Speaker 1: than what I imagined.

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Speaker 2: And that doesn't have to be a bad thing, all right.

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Speaker 1: Next question, what advice would you give to someone who

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Speaker 1: needs external validation? So we all need some kind of

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Speaker 1: external validation at times, and validation on its own, in

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Speaker 1: its own right, is not something that's bad or wrong

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Speaker 1: to want or receive. That's not a negative thing. So

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Speaker 1: I am curious the person that wrote this question what

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Speaker 1: kind of external validation and how much of it? Because

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Speaker 1: I would assume that maybe you need a lot of

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Speaker 1: it in a certain area or all areas, to the

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Speaker 1: point where it feels unhealthy to you. Because external validation

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Speaker 1: and wanting that in general is not unhealthy. And if

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Speaker 1: it is in this space where you know this person

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Speaker 1: is thinking that it's unhealthy, I do believe that when

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Speaker 1: we have harsh stories written about ourselves in our own

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Speaker 1: bodies and in our own brains. When we are the

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Speaker 1: writers of those stories, there's no amount of external validation

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Speaker 1: that will actually satisfy what you are looking for. And so,

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Speaker 1: you know, we could have a line of six hundred

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Speaker 1: people down the street, all there to offer us some

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Speaker 1: kind of compliment, and that might satisfy us in that moment,

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Speaker 1: and that feels good in the moment, But if we

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Speaker 1: believe the opposite of what that person is saying to us,

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Speaker 1: eventually the shine will wear off of that compliment and

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Speaker 1: their comments won't mean as much, and we'll be searching

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Speaker 1: for another line of six hundred people will always be

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Speaker 1: looking for more, And it creates the cycle of you know, anxiety,

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Speaker 1: seeking reassurance, receiving the reassurance, feeling relief, and then settling

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Speaker 1: back down into that anxiety again. If that's where the

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Speaker 1: base of us really lays, if that's where you know

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Speaker 1: our home base is that negative story, We're going to

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Speaker 1: come back to that home base eventually. So if that's

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Speaker 1: the cycle that you're in, or if that's the cycle

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Speaker 1: that you know somebody you know is in, I would

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Speaker 1: encourage them to dig into what's really going on. Do

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Speaker 1: you really need the external validation or what is it

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Speaker 1: that you're looking for? What does it feel like you're lacking,

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Speaker 1: What are you afraid of or what are you looking

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Speaker 1: for temporary leaf from and that might lead you down

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Speaker 1: a better path that doesn't feel so cyclical and almost

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Speaker 1: like a never ending jail sentence.

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Speaker 2: Okay.

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Speaker 1: Third question, how do you bring up or talk to

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Speaker 1: your partner about starting therapy? Now, I'm taking this question

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Speaker 1: as you're asking your partner to start couple's therapy, So

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Speaker 1: if that's what you are asking, I really just would

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Speaker 1: encourage you to bring it up. It doesn't have to

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Speaker 1: be this sit down, come to Jesus' big drag out fight.

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Speaker 1: It can be part of, you know, normal conversation in

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Speaker 1: your lives. It can sound as simple as, hey, you know,

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Speaker 1: I've noticed some patterns that I believe are keeping us

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Speaker 1: stuck in some unhealthy cycles, and I'm curious if you'd

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Speaker 1: be open to working with me on these things with

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Speaker 1: a therapist. Just kind of want to throw that out

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Speaker 1: there and see if it's something you'd consider. Where you're

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Speaker 1: just really at seeing if they're open, right, And I

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Speaker 1: really like the idea of setting this up as something

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Speaker 1: we're doing together, right, I want to know if you'd

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Speaker 1: be open to working with me on these or I

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Speaker 1: really am curious if you'd be open to together starting

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Speaker 1: to see a therapist where it doesn't feel like you're

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Speaker 1: shoving this on your partner. It sounds like, hey, I've

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Speaker 1: noticed some things that we're doing and I'm noticing some

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Speaker 1: areas where we could improve, and i'd want to know

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Speaker 1: if you would be in this with me, if you'd

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Speaker 1: be open to being in this journey with me. Now,

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Speaker 1: that's for if you are asking somebody to go therapy

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Speaker 1: with you. Now, if you are wanting information on how

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Speaker 1: do you ask somebody or suggest somebody to go therapy

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Speaker 1: on their own, it's a little bit different, and there's

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Speaker 1: a little bit more of a nuance in there because

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Speaker 1: maybe this doesn't concern you, and maybe they have no

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Speaker 1: interest or there's no buy on, or they don't have

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Speaker 1: a they think they have a problem, or it's one

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Speaker 1: of those areas where if they would fix themselves, I

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Speaker 1: would be okay, which we could do a whole episode on.

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Speaker 1: But if you were wanting to suggest or ask your

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Speaker 1: a partner to go to therapy on their own, I

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Speaker 1: would first before I even get into that conversation. Actually,

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Speaker 1: this can go into the other suggestion too, This can

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Speaker 1: go into any suggestion, but asking the partner if they're

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Speaker 1: open to some feedback, right, if they're open to suggestions

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Speaker 1: before we just throw it on them, because sometimes it

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Speaker 1: can feel really threatening or scary or harsh when somebody

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Speaker 1: suggests therapy. We can hear a lot of things that

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Speaker 1: maybe aren't really said, like there's something wrong with us

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Speaker 1: or or bad, or we're wrong, or you know, all

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Speaker 1: kinds of negative stories. And so if we first you know,

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Speaker 1: do a little investigation into if they're in a space

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Speaker 1: where they're open to receive feedback, that can be a

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Speaker 1: really big first step, huge important first step. And if

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Speaker 1: they're open, you can kind of share what you've noticed

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Speaker 1: with them. Hey, you know, i've noticed these patterns very

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Speaker 1: similar to what I was saying before, but I've noticed

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Speaker 1: these patterns in you and I've heard you, you know,

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Speaker 1: talk about these things that are bothering you, or I've

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Speaker 1: seen you talk about wanting to make this change, and

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Speaker 1: then it looks to be really difficult, which is understandable.

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Speaker 1: I'm just curious if you have ever thought about or

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Speaker 1: you'd be open to seeing a therapist or what that

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Speaker 1: idea even sounds like to you. So it's not like

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Speaker 1: you should go to therapy or you need therapy, like

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Speaker 1: the name of this podcast, it's this very gentle curiosity. Hey,

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Speaker 1: I've heard you say a lot of these things. You know,

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Speaker 1: I've been thinking it might be helpful to do this.

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Speaker 1: Would you ever consider it or have you considered it?

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Speaker 1: Because maybe they have and they just are scared, And

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Speaker 1: maybe you can share some of your story or your

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Speaker 1: journey if you've gone to therapy yourself. And what I

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Speaker 1: would really recommend to remember here or really encourage you

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Speaker 1: to remember yourself is you can suggest it, encourage it,

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Speaker 1: support it, but you can't make somebody do it. And

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Speaker 1: what might be a problem for you, they might not

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Speaker 1: see as a problem for them. So another thing you

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Speaker 1: can also do, rather than pushing them to make changes,

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Speaker 1: is asking them, Hey, how can I support you. I've

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Speaker 1: heard you talk about this thing that you've been struggling with,

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Speaker 1: or I've heard you with this or that, whatever it

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Speaker 1: may be, And I just was wondering if there's any

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Speaker 1: way that I can support you, that I can be

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Speaker 1: there for you in this space versus I'm asking how

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Speaker 1: I can fix it, change it, do it for you.

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Speaker 1: So some ideas on there versus just giving them suggestions

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Speaker 1: on what they should be doing with their lives. And

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Speaker 1: here is the last question, which is kind of similar

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Speaker 1: in the same realm. What do you do when someone

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Speaker 1: won't put the effort into changing. The first thought I

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Speaker 1: had when I read this was you leave them alone.

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Speaker 1: We can't force people to change. We can't force people

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Speaker 1: to want to change. I can't force people to change.

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Speaker 1: I can only help people that want to be helped,

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Speaker 1: even if they show up in my office. I can

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Speaker 1: only help them if they actually want to be helped

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Speaker 1: in my office. And so you know, it's one thing

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Speaker 1: if they are asking for help and then not taking

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Speaker 1: the feedback, or if they are constantly talking about wanting

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Speaker 1: to change and then they're just like not doing it.

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Speaker 1: Because from the me, if you're talking about it to me,

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Speaker 1: that can feel exhausting. It also can feel really painful

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Speaker 1: to put in some effort to be there and help

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Speaker 1: and you know, support I'm supporting you and making these changes,

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Speaker 1: and then it just feels like you're not doing it.

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Speaker 1: And I'm in this cyclical cycle. You start doing this

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Speaker 1: dance that just feels really painful and hard for you,

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Speaker 1: then you can set a boundary like, hey, you know what,

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Speaker 1: I want you to know that I very much want

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Speaker 1: to support you and I want to be here for you.

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Speaker 1: And I've heard you talk about these things that you

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Speaker 1: really want to shift and change about yourself, and you

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Speaker 1: know you've asked for my support in certain ways. It's

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Speaker 1: really painful for me to be in that space with

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Speaker 1: you and offer support and then also see you continue

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Speaker 1: to engage in these same behaviors that are harmful to

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Speaker 1: you and maybe even our relationship. And so I am

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Speaker 1: going to work on accepting you just as you are,

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Speaker 1: and I really want to take myself out of those conversations,

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Speaker 1: and when you are ready to make those shift changes,

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Speaker 1: I'm here for you. But right now I just kind

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Speaker 1: of want to table that. So you can set a

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Speaker 1: boundary in that way, and that can be something you

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Speaker 1: set with them, or you can set an internal boundary

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Speaker 1: like I'm not going to get in this dance anymore.

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Speaker 2: I'm not going to pick up the bait.

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Speaker 1: I'm not going to be the person that is the

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Speaker 1: first person to help them or be there for them

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Speaker 1: or do X y Z when they get in this pickle,

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Speaker 1: because I don't see them trying to make the effort

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Speaker 1: to not get that pickle again. So that can be

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Speaker 1: a boundary you set within yourself. You don't even have

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Speaker 1: to have a conversation about that. You just remove yourself

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Speaker 1: from those situations. But if we're talking about something different

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Speaker 1: where we just want them to change and they're not

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Speaker 1: interested in changing, right, they're not putting in the effort

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Speaker 1: because they don't actually want to change, then we just

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Speaker 1: have to literally accept them where they are and move along,

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Speaker 1: or maybe we don't engage in that relationship anymore. Right,

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Speaker 1: radical acceptance. When somebody won't put in the effort to change,

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Speaker 1: it's not that I work harder to change them, it's

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Speaker 1: I work hard to accept the reality of who they

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Speaker 1: are in this moment, not to accept their potential or

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Speaker 1: to continue to cheerlead them onto their potential. No, I

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Speaker 1: accept them where they are because when I accept somebody

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Speaker 1: for who they are, and I stop trying to change

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Speaker 1: the things that I don't like or that aren't working

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Speaker 1: for me or that are frustrating to me, I oftentimes

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Speaker 1: create space then to see the things about them that

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Speaker 1: I do appreciate or I can appreciate or I can

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Speaker 1: enjoy and that makes for a better relationship. Or if

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Speaker 1: there isn't that space, then what are you doing in

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Speaker 1: that relationship?

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Speaker 2: Right?

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Speaker 1: If somebody is not willing, not wanting, not open to

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Speaker 1: any of those shifts, then I have to do maybe

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Speaker 1: some of the graving work of finding relationships and finding

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Speaker 1: space and finding time to spend energy on the things

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Speaker 1: that do work for me versus the people that don't

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Speaker 1: work for me, Because the only person I really have

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Speaker 1: control over is myself. I can't just control everybody around

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Speaker 1: me hoping that's going to make.

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Speaker 2: My life better.

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Speaker 1: So I hope that was helpful in some sense. If

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Speaker 1: you guys had feedback questions, any more questions for couch

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Speaker 1: talks in general, please send them to me Katherine at

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Speaker 1: you Need Therapy podcast dot com. You can follow me

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Speaker 1: at cat dot defada and at you Need Therapy Podcast

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Speaker 1: on Instagram.

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Speaker 2: And until next Monday, I hope you guys have the

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Speaker 2: day you need to have