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Speaker 1: I was supposed to have been fixed, and I am

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Speaker 1: very much not fixed. And it's like I very much

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Speaker 1: felt that I was letting a lot of people down

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Speaker 1: and that was the hardest thing.

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Speaker 2: Hey, Hey, what's shag and Hurdler's Emily Abadi.

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Speaker 3: Here.

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Speaker 4: You are listening to episode two hundred and thirty two

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Speaker 4: of Hurdle, a wellness focused podcast where I connect with

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Speaker 4: everyone from your favorite athletes to top experts and industry

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Speaker 4: CEOs about their highest highs.

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Speaker 2: Toughest moments, and everything in between.

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Speaker 4: We all go through hurdles in life, and my goal

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Speaker 4: through these discussions is to empower you to better navigate

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Speaker 4: yours and move with intention so that you can stride

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Speaker 4: towards your own big potential and of course.

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Speaker 2: Have some fun along the way.

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Speaker 4: I could not be more grateful to have the Olympian

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Speaker 4: Molly Sidle back on the show today. Mollie, I, before

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Speaker 4: I even talk about what we're going to talk about,

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Speaker 4: I need to say thank you for your openness and

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Speaker 4: your honesty and also just making the time we met

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Speaker 4: for the first time after Molli ram the Olympic trials

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Speaker 4: in Atlanta in twenty twenty. As we talk about in

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Speaker 4: today's episode, the last trip I took before the pandemic

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Speaker 4: really hit full force was up to Boston to record

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Speaker 4: with Mollie in her living room, and so, man, it

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Speaker 4: was just what a crazy moment for us to sit

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Speaker 4: back down knowing how much has happened. I mean, this

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Speaker 4: woman since we last recorded for the show, she has

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Speaker 4: not only gone to the Olympics, but become an Olympian,

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Speaker 4: set tons of new personal bests, including an unreal showing

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Speaker 4: at the twenty twenty one New York City Marathon, and

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Speaker 4: now today fast forward, we're talking about what's really happened

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Speaker 4: since then.

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Speaker 2: If you have been staying up to date with what's

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Speaker 2: going on.

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Speaker 4: In the world of running, and you may have caught

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Speaker 4: the article that came out in Runner's World in October

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Speaker 4: really detailing how Mollie has been navigating crippling anxiety and

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Speaker 4: a relapse in her eating disorder. For today's episode, we're

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Speaker 4: chatting about what that looked like when she felt like

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Speaker 4: she was truly struggling the most, the catalyst for her

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Speaker 4: finally seeking out treatment, how she feels about running these days,

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Speaker 4: saying that she is doing much better, which just makes

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Speaker 4: me so so happy, And yeah, I mean, we talk

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Speaker 4: about it all. We talk about how it feels to

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Speaker 4: experience such traumatic events on a world stage, the hard

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Speaker 4: conversation she has to have with her family, and what

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Speaker 4: success will look like for Mollie going forward again. Loved

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Speaker 4: this combo, adore Mollie and think there just really is

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Speaker 4: that resonating through line that you just don't know what

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Speaker 4: someone is navigating unless you sit.

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Speaker 2: Down and take the time to hear it straight from them.

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Speaker 4: As mentioned, we do talk about some difficult topics in

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Speaker 4: today's episode, including eating disorders. I'm going to list some

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Speaker 4: resources in the show notes. If you or someone you

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Speaker 4: know is struggling, there is help for you.

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Speaker 2: And you are certainly not alone.

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Speaker 4: Make sure you're following along with Hurdle over on social

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Speaker 4: It's over at Hurdle Podcast. I am at Emily a

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Speaker 4: body and caveat the I can't even make this up

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Speaker 4: if I tried. The USADA drug testers showed up at

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Speaker 4: the end of our recording, so it does.

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Speaker 3: End a little abruptly.

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Speaker 4: Oh my goodness, the life of being a professional athlete.

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Speaker 2: So have some grace with us.

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Speaker 4: I guess we'll just have to get Molly on the

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Speaker 4: show again as a p with that.

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Speaker 2: Let's get to it. Let's get to hurdling today.

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Speaker 4: I am sitting down once again with the ever lovely

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Speaker 4: Molly Cidel.

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Speaker 2: How are you doing, ma, I'm doing great.

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Speaker 3: It's so exciting to be.

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Speaker 2: Back, so exciting to be back.

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Speaker 4: I see, Okay, but you say, like, I'm doing great, But.

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Speaker 1: Are you doing great compared to how the last couple

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Speaker 1: of months have been. Yes, I'm legitimately doing great right

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Speaker 1: now in proportion to where I was in like June.

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Speaker 1: Let's just say, obviously there's always the ups and downs

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Speaker 1: and whatnot, but just like on the whole, like I'm

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Speaker 1: back into full marathon training right now. We've got this

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Speaker 1: awesome team going on out here in fly staff Is

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Speaker 1: he's actually visiting my sisters here in Flag right now.

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Speaker 1: So honestly, things have been really great the last few weeks.

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Speaker 4: Oh that makes me so happy, so happy to hear

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Speaker 4: It's it's funny for me right now, like kind of

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Speaker 4: a full circle moment because you were probably like one

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Speaker 4: of the last humans I saw in person pre pandemic

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Speaker 4: when we recorded for the show the first and hung

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Speaker 4: out in your living room and now, God, so much

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Speaker 4: has changed since March twenty twenty.

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Speaker 1: It is really wild to think back to that of

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Speaker 1: like that was on it. You were the last person

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Speaker 1: who was in our apartment for basically probably until like

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Speaker 1: that fall, when the next humans that were in our

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Speaker 1: apartment were the USADA drug testers that came from my

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Speaker 1: auto or out of comp drug testing, when I was like,

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Speaker 1: are you guys allowed to be here?

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Speaker 2: Is this safe for anyone involved?

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Speaker 3: Yeah?

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Speaker 1: It was terrible, but yeah, so basically that was like

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Speaker 1: the last human interaction I had for a while.

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Speaker 2: I'm so happy I could bring you that joy.

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Speaker 4: I also, you know, I mean, obviously since we've talked

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Speaker 4: so much has happened, primarily the fact that you became

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Speaker 4: an Olympian. You came in third at the Olympics, and

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Speaker 4: now so much of what we're going to talk about

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Speaker 4: today opening up kind of about your journey and what's

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Speaker 4: really been going on behind the scenes since gosh, the

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Speaker 4: last time we spoke. I'm glad to hear that you're

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Speaker 4: doing great slash better than the last few months, because

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Speaker 4: the last few months have been a lot, right, It's.

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Speaker 1: It's been a ton and I think a lot of

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Speaker 1: it has been kind of just like dealing with the

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Speaker 1: aftermath of the Olympics and the pandemic and a lot

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Speaker 1: of things that I'd kind of been shelving for a

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Speaker 1: really long time. That it's like you realize that you

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Speaker 1: shelve things for long enough and you're eventually going to

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Speaker 1: have to like actually get around to tackling them. You

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Speaker 1: can't just put it off forever. And so that's kind

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Speaker 1: of been what the last few months have been for me,

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Speaker 1: is like dealing with just everything since the pandemic started. Yeah.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, And I think a lot of people are in

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Speaker 4: this boat now as we quote unquote get back to

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Speaker 4: real life, even though like gestures loosely, there's still some

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Speaker 4: aspects of a pandemic happening, but we're all just trying

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Speaker 4: to navigate, like what does this new version of our

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Speaker 4: life look like now?

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Speaker 2: And what is it that we really want?

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Speaker 4: And this will kind of like lead me into this

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Speaker 4: discussion with you, because I know that you have spoken

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Speaker 4: now so openly about what you've been through navigating your

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Speaker 4: eating disorder adhd et cetera, and saying that you know

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Speaker 4: that you want to feel good in your body, and

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Speaker 4: despite feeling that way, that doesn't mean that like you

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Speaker 4: can just get out and like escape all of the

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Speaker 4: things that are causing these problems in the first place.

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Speaker 1: No, exactly, And I think I think a lot of

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Speaker 1: it was is just kind of like expecting that maybe

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Speaker 1: when I got the diagnosis, that like all of this

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Speaker 1: stuff would go away, and it's like that's not how

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Speaker 1: it works, or even that this shocking revelation to me

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Speaker 1: that winning an Olympic medal doesn't somehow fix everything that's

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Speaker 1: going on. And so it's kind of been dealing with

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Speaker 1: that aftermath of it's like what do you what do

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Speaker 1: you do when you've achieved everything you ever dreamed and

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Speaker 1: you're still the same, very flawed person that you were beforehand.

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Speaker 1: And it's kind of like overcoming that little bit of

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Speaker 1: cognitive dissonance and like working past that. And I think

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Speaker 1: that's been the hardest part of all of this, of

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Speaker 1: trying to rationalize like, Okay, I accomplished this really big thing,

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Speaker 1: but I still have a lot of work to do

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Speaker 1: on myself.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, do you think that when you won bronze at

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Speaker 4: the Olympics that it meant as much as you thought

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Speaker 4: that it would, knowing like all this other stuff you

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Speaker 4: were dealing with behind the scenes.

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Speaker 3: I think it.

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Speaker 1: It did, like, don't get me wrong, Like coming across

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Speaker 1: that line was one of the greatest moments of my life,

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Speaker 1: and just like for what it meant not only for me,

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Speaker 1: but for the entire team around me, and what it

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Speaker 1: meant for everything that we'd been through to get there,

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Speaker 1: training through a pandemic, like qualifying for the team and

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Speaker 1: then heading straight into a global pandemic, not knowing if

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Speaker 1: the Olympics were going to happen, dealing with injury. I

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Speaker 1: actually had gotten like a sacral stress reaction the march

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Speaker 1: before the Olympics, so we were really worried about just

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Speaker 1: what it was even going to be. And so it

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Speaker 1: was just this huge moment of like, oh my gosh,

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Speaker 1: I can't believe that this actually happened, that I was

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Speaker 1: able to accomplish this. But the come down was really

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Speaker 1: really difficult, and the come down and the wondering of

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Speaker 1: just like, man, like, how do I make any sort

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Speaker 1: of sense of this in the scheme of like who

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Speaker 1: I am, what my career is, what this means going forward,

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Speaker 1: and the mental adjustment that it has taken since then

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Speaker 1: has been really really difficult, and I think probably one

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Speaker 1: of the greater challenges in my running career.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, I want to dive in to the feeling there,

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Speaker 4: something that I've been trying to do over the last year.

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Speaker 4: I started working with a life coach in January of

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Speaker 4: twenty twenty two, and talking about my feelings is something

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Speaker 4: that I thought that I did before, but realized I

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Speaker 4: didn't do it all until someone started asking me how

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Speaker 4: different things actually made me feel. So you say that

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Speaker 4: it was one of the most difficult times of your

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Speaker 4: professional career and that come down was so hard during

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Speaker 4: that time period, talk to me about how it felt.

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Speaker 1: I mean, it was so we got back from the

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Speaker 1: Olympics and already it was like I think I slept

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Speaker 1: for like three days straight just because like the sheer

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Speaker 1: amount of stress that I experienced during that time, from

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Speaker 1: like landing in Tokyo through to the end of the

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Speaker 1: Olympics is insane. Looking back, I honestly don't know how

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Speaker 1: any of us did it, because it was just like

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Speaker 1: the entire time, you're worried that like if you're even

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Speaker 1: like if you're within six feet of someone who tests positive,

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Speaker 1: you're out of the Olympics. Like until I was on

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Speaker 1: that start line, I did not know whether or not

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Speaker 1: I would be racing that day, and so it's just

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Speaker 1: constant stress, constant stress, and then just like the excitement

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Speaker 1: and everything. I got back and it was like coming

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Speaker 1: off of just this like like every brain chemical was

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Speaker 1: maxed out and then having to build right back up

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Speaker 1: after this enormously difficult experience right for New York, when

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Speaker 1: I was dealing with just so much stuff, I was like,

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Speaker 1: that was right when I had like really fallen back

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Speaker 1: into the eating disorder, and so like things were really bad.

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Speaker 1: And we actually questioned whether or not to go back

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Speaker 1: and eat treatment that fall, and it was like a

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Speaker 1: fifty to fifty kind of thing of whether we would

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Speaker 1: or wouldn't, and we ultimately decided we didn't, which I

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Speaker 1: look back to now is I'm like that might have

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Speaker 1: been the wrong decision, because it just it was just

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Speaker 1: taking all of these negative feelings and not actually like

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Speaker 1: reflecting on any of them. It was just like shelve it,

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Speaker 1: like just push it down, go do another marathon.

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Speaker 3: Build.

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Speaker 1: It was just taking all of these negative feelings, just

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Speaker 1: these feelings of just utter exhaustion. It felt like rats

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Speaker 1: had been chewing on the wires of my brain and

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Speaker 1: then there was just nothing left I could barely get

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Speaker 1: out of bed in the morning, and then knowing that

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Speaker 1: I had to like build up for another marathon right

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Speaker 1: away for New York, and just like deep what I

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Speaker 1: realized now was just deep, deep depression of just lack

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Speaker 1: of motivation, just sadness, and like it was so hard

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Speaker 1: to rationalize because I had just come off like the

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Speaker 1: greatest accomplishment of my career. I'm like, why do I

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Speaker 1: feel like this? And then that just spirals you feel

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Speaker 1: the guilt of like like this is selfish for me

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Speaker 1: to feel this way, And so it was kind of

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Speaker 1: just like pushing all of it down, push all of

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Speaker 1: it down, Like I'm from the Midwest. I feel like

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Speaker 1: we're really good at doing that. But yeah, we don't

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Speaker 1: talk about our feelings. I know, we don't talk about

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Speaker 1: our feelings. We just cover them in layers of cheese.

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Speaker 1: And so it was it was this kind of thing

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Speaker 1: where it was very much of just like, just get

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Speaker 1: to the next thing, Just get to the New York marathon.

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Speaker 1: All I just need to keep not actually processing what

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Speaker 1: I've been through. I just need another race to focus on.

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Speaker 1: And New York work went so well, very surprisingly actually

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Speaker 1: based on what that build was. I think it was

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Speaker 1: just kind of carrying through the residual fitness from the Olympics,

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Speaker 1: because like it was a very abridged build and so

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Speaker 1: between that and then like training through the pain of

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Speaker 1: the broken ribs and like all of that, it was

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Speaker 1: just so hard that I think my brain just went

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Speaker 1: over and edge that it couldn't come back from. And

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Speaker 1: I think then we started to really see how much

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Speaker 1: that was going to affect me when we tried to

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Speaker 1: start the Boston build and it was just like, oh

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Speaker 1: my god, something is really really wrong here.

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Speaker 4: You were top American and that's your current PR, right

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Speaker 4: that New York City Marathon two twenty four forty two,

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Speaker 4: which is just like insanity, truly insanity.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, it's kind of crazy to think of that, of

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Speaker 1: just like it's wild to think that is my PR

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Speaker 1: in the marathon one because like I don't really see

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Speaker 1: New York as like a PR type of course. But

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Speaker 1: then also of just like what that Like, I've had

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Speaker 1: far better builds than that, and it's kind of like

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Speaker 1: one of those things we're just like, I don't know

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Speaker 1: how that came out to be what it is.

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Speaker 3: And it's the same reason that it's like I.

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Speaker 1: Really want to try and go and like do the marathon,

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Speaker 1: build right and like be mentally healthy and like do

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Speaker 1: all this stuff because I'm like, I just feel like

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Speaker 1: that wasn't really representative of what I'm capable of here.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, something else I've been thinking a lot about lately

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Speaker 4: is this concept of going from good to great, which

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Speaker 4: is something that you've touched on, I've heard you speak

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Speaker 4: on a little bit in so many ways. Is just

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Speaker 4: like you have learned now how to be how to

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Speaker 4: excel in your words as a good athlete and do

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Speaker 4: very well, but now going through this next kind of

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Speaker 4: iteration of treatment, and we'll talk about what that looks like,

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Speaker 4: but going through this next iteration of treatment, envisioning what

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Speaker 4: it could be like to be a great version of yourself,

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Speaker 4: because showing up as a good version of yourself has

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Speaker 4: it's been pretty good.

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Speaker 2: For you so far. So this idea of like what

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Speaker 2: that would feel like, Like what does good to great

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Speaker 2: feel like?

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Speaker 1: I guess that is kind of what this next phase

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Speaker 1: in my career is, because I am kind of looking

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Speaker 1: at this as like the next phase of what this

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Speaker 1: is that like how I was doing things before in

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Speaker 1: a very like frankly a mentally unhealthy way and like

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Speaker 1: not treating my body right, not treating my head right.

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Speaker 1: I maxed at like I fully maxed out at what

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Speaker 1: I could do, like that American course record in New

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Speaker 1: York and the Olympic medal were the best it was

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Speaker 1: ever gonna get of Molly with an eating disorder, because

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Speaker 1: after that, like it's just not sustainable, Like I can't

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Speaker 1: go past that. That's the threshold of two twenty four

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Speaker 1: on the New York course, which is like pretty good,

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Speaker 1: like not gonna lie like a bronze medal is very

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Speaker 1: very very good. But realizing of like okay, like I

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Speaker 1: wasn't doing things the right way and I wasn't doing

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Speaker 1: things the sustainable way, and it was like if I

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Speaker 1: kept doing things like that, it was never going to

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Speaker 1: get better than that.

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Speaker 3: That's the peak of it.

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Speaker 1: And so I guess that's something that we've been really

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Speaker 1: working on through this current iteration of therapy and really

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Speaker 1: taking a deep, hard look at how I've been doing

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Speaker 1: things and having to almost like in a sense, like

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Speaker 1: break down every part of who I am and like

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Speaker 1: rebuild it back up of being like okay, like what

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Speaker 1: is it going to look like from here, like is

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Speaker 1: it like will I ever be able to be that

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Speaker 1: good again?

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Speaker 3: Like being fully healthy?

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Speaker 1: And I think that's the fear, that's the eating disorder

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Speaker 1: in my head, of just being like, you will never

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Speaker 1: be that good again without the eating disorder, because it

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Speaker 1: just has this funny way of just latching on. But

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Speaker 1: it's like, but I could never be better than that

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Speaker 1: with the eating disorder. That's as good as it was

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Speaker 1: going to get. And I've got these really big goals

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Speaker 1: in the sport, and it's just like I'll never know

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Speaker 1: if I keep doing things that way, Like I have

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Speaker 1: to become a totally different person if I want to

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Speaker 1: proceed past that.

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Speaker 3: And I'm not gonna lie. It's really scary.

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Speaker 1: It's super super scary because you just don't know what

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Speaker 1: it's going to be on the other side.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, and that's totally understandable.

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Speaker 4: I mean, we're always scared of the unknown ray And

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Speaker 4: it's as almost it's kind of like we choose to

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Speaker 4: linger in good because good is comfortable and great is frightening,

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Speaker 4: but we want great. So where is that line drawn?

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Speaker 4: Where is the line drawn where you say I am

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Speaker 4: at my wits end with being good? I am ready

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Speaker 4: to embrace that next level of uncomfortable to be great.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, and I think not even that.

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Speaker 1: It's just like it's realizing that I want more out

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Speaker 1: of this than just what that was, because like it's

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Speaker 1: really cool to go and win the Olympic medal, but

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Speaker 1: then realizing like, okay, I really had to sacrifice so

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Speaker 1: many other like I had to live a life that

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Speaker 1: was frankly hollow and empty outside of that. I know,

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Speaker 1: there's this like idea in running media that I'm just

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Speaker 1: like this super fun, like crazy beer girl.

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Speaker 3: All the time time. Like there was this article after

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Speaker 3: the Olympics that it was.

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Speaker 1: Like people were worried Molly's side wasn't going to finish

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Speaker 1: the Olympic marathon because she was having too much fun

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Speaker 1: at the Olympics, and.

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Speaker 3: It's like, what the fuck does that mean?

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Speaker 1: And so there is this image of just like Molly's

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Speaker 1: title is the fun beer Girl, but it's like the

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Speaker 1: reality of it was like no, like eating disorder had

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Speaker 1: hollowed out my entire world. I didn't have space to

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Speaker 1: be able to have a real relationship. I didn't have

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00:18:26,040 --> 00:18:28,080
Speaker 1: space to like be able to be the friend that

360
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Speaker 1: I wanted to be to people. Frankly, I hated myself

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Speaker 1: a lot of the time. Like when you deal with bulimia,

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Speaker 1: it just strips everything away from you, and that's the

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Speaker 1: honest truth of it. All you have left is running.

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Speaker 1: And I just kind of woke up a little bit

365
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Speaker 1: and I'm realized, like I want more than just this,

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Speaker 1: and I think it can be better outside of just this.

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Speaker 1: It's the same thing I went through in college when

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00:18:52,440 --> 00:18:54,119
Speaker 1: it's like, it's just so funny because it's like my

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00:18:54,119 --> 00:18:57,280
Speaker 1: life is just this repeating four year cycle of like

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Speaker 1: these things of like go through treatment, get better, and

371
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Speaker 1: then just fall right back into it. And it's like,

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Speaker 1: how do I break that cycle? Because I'm sick of

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Speaker 1: being at this point where I'm sitting at the bottom

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Speaker 1: of the well and I've got nothing left other than running,

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Speaker 1: and I'm holding on to running so tightly, and even

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Speaker 1: that breaks and then it's like, who the hell am

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Speaker 1: I outside of this?

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00:19:15,440 --> 00:19:18,639
Speaker 2: Yeah? Thanks for sharing that, you know, it's funny.

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00:19:18,640 --> 00:19:21,320
Speaker 4: It was like Malley Sidle the beer Girl, and then

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Speaker 4: like when you placed at the Olympic Trials, it was

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Speaker 4: like Molly Cidle the Barista. I think You've had so

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Speaker 4: many iterations of like media coverage for Molly Cidyl.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, but I think I like, I almost like like

384
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Speaker 1: my ego and whatnot has almost latched onto that in

385
00:19:38,680 --> 00:19:40,760
Speaker 1: a way too much, because it is that way of

386
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Speaker 1: like that like the fear of letting go of the

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Speaker 1: good in order to be great. It's almost this like

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Speaker 1: I think our egos have a really good job of

389
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Speaker 1: like do a really good job of like trying to

390
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Speaker 1: protect ourselves and always being like, oh like if I'm

391
00:19:54,520 --> 00:19:56,520
Speaker 1: just the barista or I'm just the fun beer girl,

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Speaker 1: I'm not fully invested in this. So if I fail,

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00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:02,879
Speaker 1: well it does it it's not a true failure. It

394
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Speaker 1: means that I just wasn't trying fully.

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Speaker 4: It's another identity, right, You're talking about latching on to

396
00:20:08,480 --> 00:20:12,760
Speaker 4: being this excellent, superb runner, but this other identity is

397
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Speaker 4: something else that you can kind of hold onto, to

398
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Speaker 4: your point.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, exactly, of just like having this thing outside that

400
00:20:21,800 --> 00:20:25,000
Speaker 1: isn't necessarily like a true identity, but that I can

401
00:20:25,160 --> 00:20:29,080
Speaker 1: use as an excuse to be just like, oh yeah,

402
00:20:29,119 --> 00:20:31,199
Speaker 1: well I was also working at the coffee shop, so

403
00:20:31,600 --> 00:20:34,920
Speaker 1: it's fine and like and so I kind of want

404
00:20:34,920 --> 00:20:36,920
Speaker 1: to get away from that, and it's like I want

405
00:20:36,920 --> 00:20:38,760
Speaker 1: to be able to say, like, no, like I am

406
00:20:39,240 --> 00:20:41,920
Speaker 1: all in on this, like this is I have other

407
00:20:41,960 --> 00:20:44,240
Speaker 1: things outside of it, and like I'm not just a runner,

408
00:20:44,880 --> 00:20:46,919
Speaker 1: but at the same time, like I'm fully invested in this,

409
00:20:47,040 --> 00:20:49,480
Speaker 1: so like if I fail, if I don't make it,

410
00:20:50,320 --> 00:20:52,720
Speaker 1: I can only blame myself on it. But it doesn't

411
00:20:52,760 --> 00:20:54,679
Speaker 1: like it doesn't mean I'm a failure. It's just like

412
00:20:55,960 --> 00:20:58,360
Speaker 1: that's just what it is. Like I can try as

413
00:20:58,359 --> 00:21:00,360
Speaker 1: hard as I can, and I might not. I might

414
00:21:00,359 --> 00:21:02,520
Speaker 1: not make it, but at least I tried.

415
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Speaker 2: What does making it look like to you?

416
00:21:07,960 --> 00:21:10,320
Speaker 1: Oh, I think it's hard. Like I've struggled with this

417
00:21:10,440 --> 00:21:13,440
Speaker 1: idea a lot. I don't know because I go back

418
00:21:13,440 --> 00:21:15,600
Speaker 1: and forth on that whole thing, Like don't use like

419
00:21:15,920 --> 00:21:19,159
Speaker 1: physical outcomes to like define your success. But it's like

420
00:21:19,320 --> 00:21:21,760
Speaker 1: this is the sport where it's like winning like winning

421
00:21:21,800 --> 00:21:25,359
Speaker 1: does matter, like times do matter. That's just the god

422
00:21:25,400 --> 00:21:27,719
Speaker 1: honest truth of it. But I think at the end

423
00:21:27,760 --> 00:21:32,880
Speaker 1: of the day, the reason that we do sport is

424
00:21:32,920 --> 00:21:36,320
Speaker 1: in order to learn more about ourselves, as cheesy as

425
00:21:36,359 --> 00:21:40,840
Speaker 1: that sounds, and I think for me, making it is

426
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Speaker 1: being able to say that I took this thing as

427
00:21:43,720 --> 00:21:48,320
Speaker 1: far as I physically could take it with like my healthy,

428
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Speaker 1: like clean body and being able to say, like, I

429
00:21:53,160 --> 00:21:55,399
Speaker 1: went to the physical maximum of what my brain and

430
00:21:55,440 --> 00:21:58,800
Speaker 1: my body were capable of in this sport, and knowing

431
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Speaker 1: that I was able to take it to an Olympic

432
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Speaker 1: bronze while not being fully healthy and just being like,

433
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Speaker 1: what can I be capable of when I'm firing on

434
00:22:07,800 --> 00:22:11,920
Speaker 1: all cylinders? And so I think that's the exciting thing

435
00:22:12,000 --> 00:22:16,040
Speaker 1: and the scary thing about it. But yeah, I guess

436
00:22:16,040 --> 00:22:18,920
Speaker 1: you just never know. Like I have big goals in

437
00:22:18,960 --> 00:22:21,159
Speaker 1: the sport. I don't usually share my goals with people.

438
00:22:21,440 --> 00:22:22,919
Speaker 1: It is just the kind of thing of like, I

439
00:22:23,000 --> 00:22:25,600
Speaker 1: just truly want to see how far I can take

440
00:22:25,640 --> 00:22:27,640
Speaker 1: this thing because I know in my mind what I'm

441
00:22:27,680 --> 00:22:32,280
Speaker 1: capable of, and it's just like, yeah, let's just see

442
00:22:32,280 --> 00:22:36,040
Speaker 1: what we can do when I'm not like self sabotaging myself.

443
00:22:36,560 --> 00:22:41,120
Speaker 4: So what you're saying is that despite winning an Olympic bronze,

444
00:22:41,200 --> 00:22:43,160
Speaker 4: you haven't accomplished your goal.

445
00:22:44,119 --> 00:22:46,920
Speaker 1: No, And that's the thing I think, Like the Olympic

446
00:22:46,960 --> 00:22:50,199
Speaker 1: bronze was a really good, like a really great marker

447
00:22:50,680 --> 00:22:53,200
Speaker 1: of being able to show me, hey, like you deserve

448
00:22:53,280 --> 00:22:55,639
Speaker 1: to be running at this level. I think it's hard

449
00:22:55,640 --> 00:22:57,679
Speaker 1: for me to rationalize in my head when like the

450
00:22:57,720 --> 00:22:59,960
Speaker 1: best women in the world are running like two four

451
00:23:00,680 --> 00:23:02,880
Speaker 1: and I'm like, well, I'm still a two twenty four marathon,

452
00:23:03,000 --> 00:23:05,320
Speaker 1: or like like who the fuck do you think you are?

453
00:23:05,359 --> 00:23:07,480
Speaker 1: Saying that you could run with them, but being able

454
00:23:07,520 --> 00:23:11,439
Speaker 1: to see a two fourteen woman less than like twenty

455
00:23:11,480 --> 00:23:13,920
Speaker 1: seconds in front of me and just being like, hey,

456
00:23:14,000 --> 00:23:17,680
Speaker 1: like I might like I might not be there yet,

457
00:23:17,720 --> 00:23:19,879
Speaker 1: but it's like I can see that, and I'm the

458
00:23:20,080 --> 00:23:22,080
Speaker 1: it might be a matter of like getting the right

459
00:23:22,119 --> 00:23:25,639
Speaker 1: conditions on the right day, because like, let's be serious,

460
00:23:25,680 --> 00:23:27,880
Speaker 1: like the conditions really played into my favor that day.

461
00:23:28,720 --> 00:23:31,280
Speaker 1: But it's just like knowing, like, hey, I can see

462
00:23:31,280 --> 00:23:33,960
Speaker 1: it right there. I know that, like I might not

463
00:23:34,040 --> 00:23:36,560
Speaker 1: be doing this fully healthy right now, but I'm clean

464
00:23:36,680 --> 00:23:39,679
Speaker 1: and I'm that close, Like I want to see what

465
00:23:39,760 --> 00:23:40,199
Speaker 1: I can do.

466
00:23:41,480 --> 00:23:46,520
Speaker 4: When you think about accomplishing the goal that you haven't

467
00:23:46,600 --> 00:23:53,120
Speaker 4: so explicitly stated here, how does that make you feel

468
00:23:53,280 --> 00:23:56,320
Speaker 4: if you were to do it exactly? How you are

469
00:23:56,320 --> 00:24:02,159
Speaker 4: insinuating clean and being recovered from this eating disorder. So

470
00:24:02,280 --> 00:24:05,679
Speaker 4: many of the mental hurdles that have burdened you up

471
00:24:05,760 --> 00:24:09,120
Speaker 4: until this point, I.

472
00:24:08,960 --> 00:24:15,080
Speaker 1: Think it would come with this feeling of less of

473
00:24:15,119 --> 00:24:18,879
Speaker 1: like the shocked elation that came with the bronze of

474
00:24:18,880 --> 00:24:21,960
Speaker 1: the Brons was just so shocking that it was just like,

475
00:24:22,040 --> 00:24:24,040
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, that seemed to come out of nowhere.

476
00:24:24,840 --> 00:24:27,240
Speaker 1: And I think being able to do these things like

477
00:24:27,400 --> 00:24:30,439
Speaker 1: healthy and like in a fully aware, like healthy brain,

478
00:24:31,320 --> 00:24:35,200
Speaker 1: it comes more of the like the quiet confidence of

479
00:24:35,240 --> 00:24:37,880
Speaker 1: being like, I know I'm capable of this, and I'm

480
00:24:37,920 --> 00:24:41,120
Speaker 1: going to go out and execute. One of my favorite books,

481
00:24:41,359 --> 00:24:44,879
Speaker 1: it's like The Rock Warrior. I'm flubbing the title on it,

482
00:24:45,280 --> 00:24:49,960
Speaker 1: but it's basically a climbing book like for rock climbers

483
00:24:50,720 --> 00:24:52,920
Speaker 1: that basically incorporates a lot of Zen principles and a

484
00:24:52,960 --> 00:24:55,000
Speaker 1: lot of that is is kind of like bringing on

485
00:24:55,080 --> 00:24:57,520
Speaker 1: that mentality of never saying like I'm going to try

486
00:24:57,680 --> 00:25:00,680
Speaker 1: it's like I'm going to do it because you're when

487
00:25:00,680 --> 00:25:03,440
Speaker 1: you go out like you intend to put out your

488
00:25:03,440 --> 00:25:05,560
Speaker 1: best effort and the conditions might not be there. You

489
00:25:05,600 --> 00:25:07,440
Speaker 1: can't control the other people in the race, But going

490
00:25:07,440 --> 00:25:10,120
Speaker 1: out and saying like I'm going to give my maximal

491
00:25:10,160 --> 00:25:12,880
Speaker 1: effort and I know that I can accomplish these things

492
00:25:13,320 --> 00:25:15,600
Speaker 1: and so I think it's taking that mentality into it

493
00:25:15,880 --> 00:25:18,560
Speaker 1: of just like I'm not going out and trying for

494
00:25:18,640 --> 00:25:21,000
Speaker 1: these things. I'm not going out and hoping and wishing

495
00:25:21,040 --> 00:25:24,480
Speaker 1: that the right day comes. It's going out and knowing, like, hey,

496
00:25:24,560 --> 00:25:29,000
Speaker 1: I am giving everything I possibly can to this, and

497
00:25:29,240 --> 00:25:31,600
Speaker 1: it might not always be my day, but once in

498
00:25:31,640 --> 00:25:32,639
Speaker 1: a while it's going to be.

499
00:25:34,200 --> 00:25:34,920
Speaker 2: Two things.

500
00:25:35,000 --> 00:25:38,240
Speaker 4: One, it's called the Rock Warriors Way mental training for climbers.

501
00:25:38,560 --> 00:25:39,359
Speaker 3: That's it too.

502
00:25:39,840 --> 00:25:42,800
Speaker 4: If you give it all you've got on that day,

503
00:25:42,880 --> 00:25:46,439
Speaker 4: despite what the outcome is. Should the outcome not be

504
00:25:46,760 --> 00:25:49,840
Speaker 4: perhaps that you come in first, then what you're saying

505
00:25:49,960 --> 00:25:53,080
Speaker 4: is knowing that you truly gave it all you've got

506
00:25:53,240 --> 00:25:55,480
Speaker 4: is the only thing that matters exactly.

507
00:25:56,160 --> 00:25:59,720
Speaker 1: Okay, my best races have been that. That's what the

508
00:25:59,760 --> 00:26:02,679
Speaker 1: only trials was. I didn't have in my mind that

509
00:26:02,800 --> 00:26:05,480
Speaker 1: I wanted to go out and get second place in

510
00:26:05,520 --> 00:26:07,760
Speaker 1: that because I didn't even know that it was possible yet.

511
00:26:07,960 --> 00:26:09,680
Speaker 1: But it was just like, I'm just going to race

512
00:26:09,760 --> 00:26:12,359
Speaker 1: as hard as I freaking can here, and we're just

513
00:26:12,400 --> 00:26:15,080
Speaker 1: gonna like I'm just happy to go out and know

514
00:26:15,119 --> 00:26:18,359
Speaker 1: that I'm like here and I'm ready to just absolutely

515
00:26:18,359 --> 00:26:21,480
Speaker 1: ball out and balling out was getting second and making

516
00:26:21,480 --> 00:26:22,960
Speaker 1: an Olympic team, and so.

517
00:26:23,000 --> 00:26:24,400
Speaker 2: It's absolutely balling out.

518
00:26:24,720 --> 00:26:27,359
Speaker 1: Yeah, And so it's that I think it's like letting

519
00:26:27,400 --> 00:26:29,600
Speaker 1: go of these ideas in our mind of like, based

520
00:26:29,640 --> 00:26:31,920
Speaker 1: on past performance is what we could be, or even

521
00:26:31,960 --> 00:26:34,639
Speaker 1: like letting go of this idea that I'm an Olympic

522
00:26:34,640 --> 00:26:37,119
Speaker 1: bronze medalist and just showing up every time and just

523
00:26:37,119 --> 00:26:40,320
Speaker 1: being like, I'm not going to change how I race

524
00:26:40,440 --> 00:26:42,119
Speaker 1: because of any of this. I'm not going to like

525
00:26:42,440 --> 00:26:45,359
Speaker 1: think that I'm better than I am like because of it,

526
00:26:45,440 --> 00:26:47,600
Speaker 1: Like frankly, like that race that I just did in Boston,

527
00:26:47,720 --> 00:26:49,720
Speaker 1: like I'm not going to the line thinking like I'm

528
00:26:49,720 --> 00:26:50,719
Speaker 1: an Olympic bronze medalist.

529
00:26:50,720 --> 00:26:51,360
Speaker 3: I'm gonna win this.

530
00:26:51,560 --> 00:26:54,480
Speaker 1: Knowing full well that I'd had no training going to that.

531
00:26:54,560 --> 00:26:56,440
Speaker 1: I knew full well I was gonna get my ass

532
00:26:56,440 --> 00:26:58,760
Speaker 1: handed to me on a silver platter. But I gave

533
00:26:58,840 --> 00:27:01,359
Speaker 1: my best effort on the day. And so it's like

534
00:27:01,440 --> 00:27:03,439
Speaker 1: going out and knowing that I tried as hard as

535
00:27:03,480 --> 00:27:05,200
Speaker 1: I could, like that's the goal here.

536
00:27:05,520 --> 00:27:08,360
Speaker 3: And I know it's all very like hippie.

537
00:27:08,000 --> 00:27:10,239
Speaker 1: Dippy ethereal, and I know I'm gonna get shit from

538
00:27:10,280 --> 00:27:12,919
Speaker 1: the let's run people of just like all of that,

539
00:27:13,080 --> 00:27:15,040
Speaker 1: But like, at the end of the day, that's what

540
00:27:15,119 --> 00:27:17,960
Speaker 1: it is. Like, nobody fifty years from now is going

541
00:27:18,040 --> 00:27:21,639
Speaker 1: to care. Like half the people, like ninety nine percent

542
00:27:21,680 --> 00:27:24,240
Speaker 1: of the people in the world don't care that I'm

543
00:27:24,240 --> 00:27:27,000
Speaker 1: going out and running or whatnot. It's just like, at

544
00:27:27,000 --> 00:27:29,280
Speaker 1: the end of the day, we do this so we

545
00:27:29,320 --> 00:27:30,879
Speaker 1: can learn about ourselves.

546
00:27:31,400 --> 00:27:32,280
Speaker 2: Yeah, for sure.

547
00:27:32,400 --> 00:27:37,240
Speaker 4: Now you said earlier that you in retrospect, may have

548
00:27:37,400 --> 00:27:40,119
Speaker 4: made a better decision if you went into treatment for

549
00:27:40,440 --> 00:27:43,399
Speaker 4: ed the fall before the New York marathon where you

550
00:27:43,520 --> 00:27:48,280
Speaker 4: got your PR Why didn't you choose to enter treatment

551
00:27:48,480 --> 00:27:49,520
Speaker 4: after that marathon.

552
00:27:50,119 --> 00:27:51,800
Speaker 3: I don't think i'd hit rock bottom yet.

553
00:27:51,880 --> 00:27:54,760
Speaker 1: I think I fully needed to hit rock bottom and

554
00:27:55,520 --> 00:27:57,679
Speaker 1: just realized that I had nothing left.

555
00:27:58,560 --> 00:28:01,879
Speaker 4: So rock bottom comes for you when you go for

556
00:28:01,960 --> 00:28:03,840
Speaker 4: the athlete screening for Worlds?

557
00:28:03,920 --> 00:28:04,400
Speaker 2: Is that right?

558
00:28:04,720 --> 00:28:05,560
Speaker 3: That is correct?

559
00:28:05,800 --> 00:28:09,760
Speaker 1: That was absolute rock bottom after having dropped out of Boston,

560
00:28:10,400 --> 00:28:13,919
Speaker 1: Like my body was broken, my brain was broken. I

561
00:28:14,040 --> 00:28:17,720
Speaker 1: just I was at my wits end and we had

562
00:28:17,800 --> 00:28:22,639
Speaker 1: considered pulling out of Worlds a couple times because things

563
00:28:22,640 --> 00:28:25,560
Speaker 1: had gotten so bad and the fact that the sacram

564
00:28:25,600 --> 00:28:28,520
Speaker 1: went like in conjunction. I truly believe in like the

565
00:28:28,600 --> 00:28:31,400
Speaker 1: mind mind body connection and that like if you weren't

566
00:28:31,400 --> 00:28:34,399
Speaker 1: willing to shut yourself down, your body's going to It

567
00:28:34,520 --> 00:28:37,440
Speaker 1: was just like everything was on fight or flight mode,

568
00:28:37,760 --> 00:28:40,640
Speaker 1: and my body just knew it was like hey, like

569
00:28:40,640 --> 00:28:43,959
Speaker 1: like bitch, you are done right now. And so it

570
00:28:44,080 --> 00:28:48,680
Speaker 1: wasn't until getting out there and just realizing like I

571
00:28:48,720 --> 00:28:53,440
Speaker 1: physically can't do this anymore and just realizing like something

572
00:28:53,520 --> 00:28:56,920
Speaker 1: has to change, because like this is all going to

573
00:28:57,000 --> 00:29:00,479
Speaker 1: go away if I don't actually take this year now.

574
00:29:00,520 --> 00:29:02,400
Speaker 1: And I don't think I was in that place yet.

575
00:29:02,840 --> 00:29:04,640
Speaker 1: Last fall, things were bad.

576
00:29:04,440 --> 00:29:05,400
Speaker 3: But they weren't that bad.

577
00:29:10,320 --> 00:29:12,600
Speaker 4: Taking a break from today's episode to talk to you

578
00:29:12,760 --> 00:29:18,080
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579
00:29:18,240 --> 00:29:21,240
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580
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581
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582
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583
00:29:33,400 --> 00:29:37,200
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584
00:29:37,240 --> 00:29:40,360
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585
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586
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587
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588
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589
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590
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591
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592
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593
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594
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Speaker 2: Kind of crazy.

595
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598
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599
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600
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601
00:30:33,000 --> 00:30:33,600
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602
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603
00:30:37,120 --> 00:30:40,680
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604
00:30:40,440 --> 00:30:41,719
Speaker 2: Every single morning.

605
00:30:42,240 --> 00:30:44,760
Speaker 4: Opening the Whoop app is one of the first things

606
00:30:44,960 --> 00:30:47,320
Speaker 4: that I do because in there I can check out

607
00:30:47,320 --> 00:30:50,080
Speaker 4: how the app breaks down my sleep along with other

608
00:30:50,240 --> 00:30:53,160
Speaker 4: key health metrics like rusting heart rate, and then based

609
00:30:53,200 --> 00:30:56,720
Speaker 4: on that, Woop gives me a daily recovery score from

610
00:30:56,800 --> 00:31:00,000
Speaker 4: zero to one hundred percent. So I know how ready

611
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Speaker 4: my body is to take on the day. I have

612
00:31:03,200 --> 00:31:07,520
Speaker 4: been wearing my Whoop since April twenty nineteen, and I

613
00:31:07,560 --> 00:31:11,720
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614
00:31:11,720 --> 00:31:15,120
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615
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616
00:31:19,560 --> 00:31:21,880
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617
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618
00:31:24,760 --> 00:31:27,520
Speaker 4: that hurt my sleep and recovery, like eating too close

619
00:31:27,560 --> 00:31:32,920
Speaker 4: to bedtime, alcohol consumption to an extent, and also blue

620
00:31:33,000 --> 00:31:36,280
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621
00:31:36,320 --> 00:31:39,360
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622
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623
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624
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625
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626
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627
00:31:57,680 --> 00:32:11,760
Speaker 4: checkout for ten percent off. The rock bottom place is

628
00:32:11,800 --> 00:32:16,120
Speaker 4: such a difficult place to be, not only because emotionally

629
00:32:16,160 --> 00:32:20,400
Speaker 4: we're just like completely drained, but it's also this location,

630
00:32:20,960 --> 00:32:25,400
Speaker 4: so to speak, proverbial location where you have to accept.

631
00:32:25,120 --> 00:32:27,720
Speaker 2: That change has to happen.

632
00:32:28,480 --> 00:32:32,960
Speaker 4: And I spoke recently about navigating depression at the top

633
00:32:33,000 --> 00:32:36,000
Speaker 4: side of this year. And for me, like I had

634
00:32:36,040 --> 00:32:39,600
Speaker 4: this distinct moment where I like pulled a pan out

635
00:32:39,680 --> 00:32:42,320
Speaker 4: of the cabinet, all the pants full on the floor,

636
00:32:42,640 --> 00:32:45,400
Speaker 4: and in that moment, I collapsed onto the floor next

637
00:32:45,440 --> 00:32:48,160
Speaker 4: to the pans, and I just started sobbing. And I

638
00:32:48,200 --> 00:32:50,400
Speaker 4: knew in that moment that it had nothing to do

639
00:32:50,440 --> 00:32:53,360
Speaker 4: with the pans, and just sheerly the fact.

640
00:32:53,120 --> 00:32:56,080
Speaker 2: That like I couldn't do it alone anymore.

641
00:32:56,400 --> 00:33:01,160
Speaker 4: I couldn't carry around this burden and not articulate my

642
00:33:01,200 --> 00:33:04,959
Speaker 4: feelings and what I was navigating. So for you, after

643
00:33:05,640 --> 00:33:12,560
Speaker 4: hearing from the people at the USOPC that this isn't

644
00:33:12,560 --> 00:33:16,920
Speaker 4: happening for you, what does that moment look like for you?

645
00:33:17,080 --> 00:33:20,080
Speaker 4: What's your sitting on the floor surrounded by the pots

646
00:33:20,120 --> 00:33:23,080
Speaker 4: and pans moment look like my sitting.

647
00:33:22,760 --> 00:33:24,000
Speaker 3: On the floor showing by pots pants.

648
00:33:24,040 --> 00:33:26,200
Speaker 1: So it wasn't even a matter of like the I

649
00:33:26,240 --> 00:33:29,360
Speaker 1: think like if I truly like said like hey, like

650
00:33:29,400 --> 00:33:31,480
Speaker 1: I'm going to compete, they would have let me compete.

651
00:33:31,880 --> 00:33:33,840
Speaker 1: It's not kind of like a thing where it's like

652
00:33:33,880 --> 00:33:37,280
Speaker 1: they ban you, but it was things had been so

653
00:33:37,360 --> 00:33:40,080
Speaker 1: bad for so long. The eating disorder was really bad. Mentally,

654
00:33:40,160 --> 00:33:42,280
Speaker 1: I was in that pots and pants on the floor,

655
00:33:42,400 --> 00:33:45,160
Speaker 1: just like every little thing was setting me off, and

656
00:33:45,920 --> 00:33:49,720
Speaker 1: I had gone like I was the adderall was basically

657
00:33:49,760 --> 00:33:52,560
Speaker 1: just like propping me up. After I'd been diagnosed with ADHD,

658
00:33:53,680 --> 00:33:56,600
Speaker 1: I'd like started taking the adderall and then just kind

659
00:33:56,640 --> 00:33:59,560
Speaker 1: of realizing, like one that was only making the eating

660
00:33:59,560 --> 00:34:02,680
Speaker 1: disorder way way worse. I lost a ton of weight

661
00:34:02,800 --> 00:34:06,720
Speaker 1: on it, and then it was just like artificially keeping

662
00:34:06,760 --> 00:34:10,279
Speaker 1: me going when like my body needed to stop. And

663
00:34:10,360 --> 00:34:14,320
Speaker 1: so I had gone off of it going into Eugene,

664
00:34:14,760 --> 00:34:17,960
Speaker 1: and it was just like all the things together where

665
00:34:17,960 --> 00:34:20,399
Speaker 1: it was like, for the first time in a long time,

666
00:34:20,560 --> 00:34:24,239
Speaker 1: doing that questionnaire and going through the questionnaire and just

667
00:34:24,280 --> 00:34:27,640
Speaker 1: like actually answering honestly, because I think for a long

668
00:34:27,680 --> 00:34:29,880
Speaker 1: time I'd been just bullshiting it. I'd been bullshiting it

669
00:34:29,920 --> 00:34:33,760
Speaker 1: to every single podcast. I was doing like everybody expects

670
00:34:33,800 --> 00:34:35,760
Speaker 1: me to be this mental health advocate, so I'm saying

671
00:34:35,800 --> 00:34:38,160
Speaker 1: all the right things and I'm not actually doing any

672
00:34:38,200 --> 00:34:41,160
Speaker 1: of them. And it was for me answering honestly to

673
00:34:41,200 --> 00:34:44,440
Speaker 1: the questionnaire and slowly getting that like this relief of

674
00:34:44,480 --> 00:34:47,680
Speaker 1: actually just saying it out loud of like yeah, like

675
00:34:47,719 --> 00:34:49,919
Speaker 1: I'm throwing up multiple times a week. I'm like I'm

676
00:34:49,960 --> 00:34:53,920
Speaker 1: not okay, Like I like, I just feel like like

677
00:34:54,040 --> 00:34:58,239
Speaker 1: everything is worthless and whatnot. And then when it came

678
00:34:58,280 --> 00:34:59,799
Speaker 1: back and they're like, hey, we really want you to

679
00:34:59,800 --> 00:35:02,200
Speaker 1: talk to a therapist, and I went outside the building

680
00:35:02,680 --> 00:35:04,480
Speaker 1: and I think they expected me to be on the

681
00:35:04,480 --> 00:35:06,399
Speaker 1: phone for like ten minutes, and I was on there

682
00:35:06,440 --> 00:35:11,520
Speaker 1: for over an hour, just literally sobbing in full public

683
00:35:11,760 --> 00:35:15,160
Speaker 1: in the middle of Eugene. That was the moment of

684
00:35:15,239 --> 00:35:18,480
Speaker 1: just realizing like needing to almost hear it back to

685
00:35:18,520 --> 00:35:22,800
Speaker 1: myself to realize like, like girl, you need to stop

686
00:35:22,880 --> 00:35:25,120
Speaker 1: right now and you need to get this figured out.

687
00:35:26,000 --> 00:35:28,719
Speaker 1: And it was just like knowing like okay, like I

688
00:35:28,920 --> 00:35:32,879
Speaker 1: can't fix this myself. I think, like I haven't done

689
00:35:32,880 --> 00:35:36,279
Speaker 1: a whole lot of like like AA type stuff, but

690
00:35:36,400 --> 00:35:39,840
Speaker 1: I know the general protocol. And I think the first

691
00:35:39,880 --> 00:35:42,239
Speaker 1: like step of that is kind of like seating the

692
00:35:42,239 --> 00:35:45,000
Speaker 1: fact that like you cannot fix it yourself. And I've

693
00:35:45,040 --> 00:35:48,440
Speaker 1: been trying so so so hard to fix it myself

694
00:35:48,480 --> 00:35:51,080
Speaker 1: for so long of like doing all this stuff, doing

695
00:35:51,120 --> 00:35:53,960
Speaker 1: the therapy, like trying to like be on the right

696
00:35:54,000 --> 00:35:56,319
Speaker 1: medication and just being like, no, I can fix this,

697
00:35:56,400 --> 00:35:59,120
Speaker 1: and being just like no, like you're not going to

698
00:35:59,160 --> 00:36:02,319
Speaker 1: fix it. You need help. And that was it of

699
00:36:02,440 --> 00:36:04,520
Speaker 1: just being like, yeah, I'm never going to fix this

700
00:36:04,560 --> 00:36:05,080
Speaker 1: on my own.

701
00:36:06,360 --> 00:36:11,560
Speaker 4: Why do you think that's the opportunity you chose to

702
00:36:11,760 --> 00:36:16,960
Speaker 4: finally be honest, I.

703
00:36:16,880 --> 00:36:18,040
Speaker 3: Think I was just tired.

704
00:36:18,600 --> 00:36:21,960
Speaker 1: I was just so tired of just trying so hard

705
00:36:21,960 --> 00:36:25,040
Speaker 1: and holding onto this thing so tightly to make the

706
00:36:25,040 --> 00:36:28,960
Speaker 1: world chance happen, to make like holding onto this idea

707
00:36:29,040 --> 00:36:31,560
Speaker 1: like if I just keep moving, everything's going to be fine.

708
00:36:32,160 --> 00:36:34,040
Speaker 1: And even that morning, like when I had flown in,

709
00:36:34,120 --> 00:36:36,319
Speaker 1: John picked me up and I was supposed to go

710
00:36:36,360 --> 00:36:39,080
Speaker 1: and do a run on the marathon course and I

711
00:36:39,080 --> 00:36:41,680
Speaker 1: couldn't even make it a mile. I like my body

712
00:36:41,760 --> 00:36:44,400
Speaker 1: was so tired, my head was just so tired, and

713
00:36:44,400 --> 00:36:46,480
Speaker 1: I was just sick of it. Like I told John

714
00:36:46,480 --> 00:36:49,399
Speaker 1: that morning, I'm like I hate running right now. And

715
00:36:49,600 --> 00:36:51,600
Speaker 1: like that made him worry because it's like when I

716
00:36:51,680 --> 00:36:54,560
Speaker 1: don't want to run, that's like a real warning sign,

717
00:36:55,200 --> 00:36:58,319
Speaker 1: and because it's like I always want to run, like

718
00:36:59,480 --> 00:37:02,719
Speaker 1: a Yeah, it was just that it was like my

719
00:37:02,800 --> 00:37:06,839
Speaker 1: body was just sick of trying so hard and just

720
00:37:07,040 --> 00:37:09,600
Speaker 1: never getting the results and just feeling like a failure

721
00:37:09,640 --> 00:37:11,080
Speaker 1: that I couldn't do this on my own.

722
00:37:11,880 --> 00:37:15,279
Speaker 4: Yeah, it's so understandable being at that level, being that

723
00:37:15,440 --> 00:37:18,000
Speaker 4: tired and being like my hands are in the air.

724
00:37:18,239 --> 00:37:22,600
Speaker 4: I truly have absolutely nothing left to give.

725
00:37:23,320 --> 00:37:26,640
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's like you feel like you're just like you're

726
00:37:26,719 --> 00:37:29,160
Speaker 1: spinning out like your car on the edge of like

727
00:37:29,160 --> 00:37:31,360
Speaker 1: a cliff, and no matter how fast you drive, you

728
00:37:31,440 --> 00:37:34,680
Speaker 1: just feel yourself slipping backwards constantly. And I think that's

729
00:37:34,680 --> 00:37:37,320
Speaker 1: the hardest part of just being like I'm giving everything

730
00:37:37,320 --> 00:37:40,359
Speaker 1: I can right now and I'm just going nowhere, I'm

731
00:37:40,360 --> 00:37:41,239
Speaker 1: going backwards.

732
00:37:42,239 --> 00:37:46,279
Speaker 2: What does ED treatment look like for me?

733
00:37:46,520 --> 00:37:49,200
Speaker 1: This one has been pretty different, actually, So.

734
00:37:50,239 --> 00:37:55,160
Speaker 5: I basically went up and spent the summer in Salt

735
00:37:55,239 --> 00:37:59,600
Speaker 5: Lake getting treatment up there with a doctor and like

736
00:37:59,680 --> 00:38:02,000
Speaker 5: a die aetitian and all that that was set up

737
00:38:02,080 --> 00:38:02,399
Speaker 5: up there.

738
00:38:03,040 --> 00:38:06,520
Speaker 1: Because my boyfriend Matt, who we'd started dating in the spring,

739
00:38:07,120 --> 00:38:09,799
Speaker 1: he's been super supportive of this, and for me, a

740
00:38:09,840 --> 00:38:13,000
Speaker 1: lot of it is like being able to be like

741
00:38:13,120 --> 00:38:15,240
Speaker 1: in a safe environment and around people that I trust

742
00:38:15,239 --> 00:38:18,480
Speaker 1: in kudos to him for like me basically being like

743
00:38:18,480 --> 00:38:22,040
Speaker 1: we'd only been dating a few months and like basically

744
00:38:22,360 --> 00:38:25,640
Speaker 1: USOPC was like, hey, like we have like we have

745
00:38:25,800 --> 00:38:28,600
Speaker 1: a doctor and like a facility up in Salt Lake

746
00:38:29,239 --> 00:38:30,960
Speaker 1: that you could go to, Like do you have a

747
00:38:31,000 --> 00:38:32,880
Speaker 1: place to stay? And so I like called him up

748
00:38:32,880 --> 00:38:35,160
Speaker 1: and I'm like, hey, Matt, like I know we've like

749
00:38:35,280 --> 00:38:38,040
Speaker 1: really only just like recently made this official, but like

750
00:38:38,160 --> 00:38:40,080
Speaker 1: could I stay with you at Salt Lake to like

751
00:38:40,200 --> 00:38:43,560
Speaker 1: get treatment for an eating disorder? And like, God bless

752
00:38:43,600 --> 00:38:43,960
Speaker 1: that man.

753
00:38:44,080 --> 00:38:47,040
Speaker 3: He was just like all in, like just immediately like yep,

754
00:38:47,160 --> 00:38:47,759
Speaker 3: let's do it.

755
00:38:48,440 --> 00:38:51,480
Speaker 1: And I think I'm always going to be very grateful

756
00:38:51,520 --> 00:38:53,839
Speaker 1: for that of just like how supportive he has been

757
00:38:55,040 --> 00:38:57,240
Speaker 1: of it. But yeah, it was like working with doctors

758
00:38:57,320 --> 00:39:01,160
Speaker 1: up there, didn't go into like a full impatient treatment clinic,

759
00:39:01,320 --> 00:39:03,600
Speaker 1: but yeah, it's been a very different type. We've been

760
00:39:03,600 --> 00:39:06,680
Speaker 1: doing some very different types of treatments that I've never

761
00:39:06,840 --> 00:39:10,840
Speaker 1: done before that and like just exploring different avenues of

762
00:39:10,880 --> 00:39:13,680
Speaker 1: what this looked like and realizing like I had to

763
00:39:13,680 --> 00:39:17,080
Speaker 1: get off the adderall just from a neurotoxicity standpoint and

764
00:39:17,239 --> 00:39:22,120
Speaker 1: just because it was enabling me to just not eat,

765
00:39:22,760 --> 00:39:25,440
Speaker 1: which is really not good. And so it's just like

766
00:39:25,560 --> 00:39:28,160
Speaker 1: having to figure out now of like Okay, how do

767
00:39:28,239 --> 00:39:33,440
Speaker 1: I treat ADHD without stimulants, which is already very very difficult.

768
00:39:34,360 --> 00:39:38,520
Speaker 4: Yeah, you were you scared to ask Matt to stay

769
00:39:38,560 --> 00:39:38,879
Speaker 4: with him?

770
00:39:39,280 --> 00:39:41,400
Speaker 1: Oh, I thought that was going to be the end

771
00:39:41,400 --> 00:39:44,680
Speaker 1: of the relationship. So I actually, to this day is

772
00:39:44,719 --> 00:39:47,760
Speaker 1: the only fight we have had. I had not told

773
00:39:47,840 --> 00:39:51,279
Speaker 1: him how bad things were because I was very, very

774
00:39:51,320 --> 00:39:55,600
Speaker 1: scared of just what opening up like that, Like John

775
00:39:55,719 --> 00:39:58,040
Speaker 1: was effectively the only person who knew the extent of it,

776
00:39:58,400 --> 00:40:00,520
Speaker 1: or my coach, John, who is also my I remained

777
00:40:00,960 --> 00:40:02,640
Speaker 1: he knew the extent of it, and he was having

778
00:40:02,680 --> 00:40:05,160
Speaker 1: to manage a lot of this. And so after trials,

779
00:40:05,160 --> 00:40:08,279
Speaker 1: when all this like shit went down, Matt was kind

780
00:40:08,280 --> 00:40:08,640
Speaker 1: of wondering.

781
00:40:08,640 --> 00:40:09,960
Speaker 3: He is like, what the hell is going on?

782
00:40:10,040 --> 00:40:12,319
Speaker 1: Like Molly isn't really calling me, Like I'm wondering, like

783
00:40:12,320 --> 00:40:16,000
Speaker 1: if something's wrong, And John kind of told him me.

784
00:40:16,040 --> 00:40:19,080
Speaker 1: He was like, hey, like Molly's like basically having a

785
00:40:19,120 --> 00:40:22,239
Speaker 1: crisis right now. She's like not really in a place

786
00:40:22,280 --> 00:40:24,319
Speaker 1: to talk about it, but like she needs help and

787
00:40:24,360 --> 00:40:28,360
Speaker 1: she's going to be seeking ed treatment and Matt like

788
00:40:28,400 --> 00:40:29,120
Speaker 1: called me and like.

789
00:40:29,160 --> 00:40:31,120
Speaker 3: Actually like really called me out.

790
00:40:31,160 --> 00:40:32,960
Speaker 1: I'm just like, hey, like, if you want this to work,

791
00:40:33,000 --> 00:40:34,719
Speaker 1: like you have to be open with me about this

792
00:40:34,800 --> 00:40:37,399
Speaker 1: kind of stuff, because it's like I can't I can't

793
00:40:37,440 --> 00:40:38,759
Speaker 1: help you and I can't be here for you if

794
00:40:38,760 --> 00:40:40,080
Speaker 1: you aren't willing to tell me. And it was the

795
00:40:40,080 --> 00:40:42,919
Speaker 1: first time anyone had ever done that and not seen

796
00:40:43,000 --> 00:40:46,839
Speaker 1: me as just like a broken thing of like like

797
00:40:46,920 --> 00:40:49,680
Speaker 1: just this mental health baggage bringing in. It was just like, hey,

798
00:40:49,719 --> 00:40:51,279
Speaker 1: like I want to help you with this, I want

799
00:40:51,320 --> 00:40:54,360
Speaker 1: to be here with you. And yeah, it was the

800
00:40:54,440 --> 00:40:57,399
Speaker 1: kind of thing where it was like until he said that,

801
00:40:57,600 --> 00:41:00,400
Speaker 1: I figured that like nobody would ever want to be

802
00:41:00,480 --> 00:41:02,200
Speaker 1: with me because of this, and it was just like, oh,

803
00:41:02,239 --> 00:41:05,040
Speaker 1: like he's willing to accept all of this, and like

804
00:41:05,160 --> 00:41:08,560
Speaker 1: honestly made getting through some of the worst months that

805
00:41:08,600 --> 00:41:11,400
Speaker 1: I've had in a really long time, like really bearable.

806
00:41:12,360 --> 00:41:15,239
Speaker 4: I think so often someone will say something like that

807
00:41:15,440 --> 00:41:17,919
Speaker 4: to us, it's like I want to be there for you,

808
00:41:18,120 --> 00:41:21,279
Speaker 4: and even though they say that, we just assume that

809
00:41:21,320 --> 00:41:24,040
Speaker 4: they're lying. Like we're wired to not want to be

810
00:41:24,440 --> 00:41:27,880
Speaker 4: an inconvenience to somebody else, and for so long as

811
00:41:27,880 --> 00:41:31,680
Speaker 4: you articulated you made it such a priority to try

812
00:41:31,719 --> 00:41:34,799
Speaker 4: to manage this on your own, so not only did

813
00:41:34,840 --> 00:41:39,439
Speaker 4: you hear him, but letting him in to actually help you.

814
00:41:39,760 --> 00:41:42,320
Speaker 3: Was a huge step. Yeah.

815
00:41:42,400 --> 00:41:44,880
Speaker 1: It was that fear though, of like the fear of

816
00:41:44,920 --> 00:41:47,440
Speaker 1: opening up and actually showing people like who you are,

817
00:41:47,520 --> 00:41:50,239
Speaker 1: because I think I'd gotten so used to that. Any

818
00:41:50,280 --> 00:41:53,160
Speaker 1: time I actually showed who I was, whether it's to

819
00:41:53,200 --> 00:41:55,520
Speaker 1: the media or to people, like everyone shies away from

820
00:41:55,520 --> 00:41:57,440
Speaker 1: that because it's a lot, Like that's a lot to

821
00:41:57,640 --> 00:42:00,319
Speaker 1: bear and like you don't want to burden people with it.

822
00:42:00,360 --> 00:42:03,799
Speaker 1: But it's like there is just the reality of showing like, hey,

823
00:42:03,840 --> 00:42:07,759
Speaker 1: like this is what it is. I'm sorry, like it

824
00:42:07,840 --> 00:42:10,880
Speaker 1: is what it is, and him like seeing me like

825
00:42:11,200 --> 00:42:13,640
Speaker 1: fully who I am and just being like hey, like

826
00:42:13,800 --> 00:42:16,160
Speaker 1: I want it anyway, and it's like that that was

827
00:42:16,200 --> 00:42:19,080
Speaker 1: a really big moment for me, and I think honestly

828
00:42:19,760 --> 00:42:22,239
Speaker 1: part of me, like going through all this treatment was

829
00:42:22,280 --> 00:42:24,440
Speaker 1: like being in the place this spring where I was

830
00:42:24,480 --> 00:42:26,920
Speaker 1: starting this relationship with someone who I'm like, I really

831
00:42:27,000 --> 00:42:29,120
Speaker 1: like this person and I really want this to work,

832
00:42:29,680 --> 00:42:31,400
Speaker 1: and I'm not in a place right now where I

833
00:42:31,400 --> 00:42:34,080
Speaker 1: can do that. I'm not mentally healthy that I can

834
00:42:34,120 --> 00:42:36,040
Speaker 1: like be everything I need to be in this relationship.

835
00:42:36,040 --> 00:42:38,120
Speaker 1: And part of that hitting rock bottom was just be like,

836
00:42:38,960 --> 00:42:40,680
Speaker 1: if I don't figure this out, like I'm going to

837
00:42:40,760 --> 00:42:42,400
Speaker 1: lose something that's really important to me.

838
00:42:43,120 --> 00:42:47,759
Speaker 4: Yeah, but how special is it that that's something was

839
00:42:47,760 --> 00:42:48,680
Speaker 4: bigger than running?

840
00:42:49,239 --> 00:42:49,759
Speaker 3: Oh my gosh.

841
00:42:49,880 --> 00:42:51,920
Speaker 1: That And I think that's what was pretty amazing to me,

842
00:42:52,000 --> 00:42:54,680
Speaker 1: is that like I really want something outside of just

843
00:42:54,760 --> 00:42:57,400
Speaker 1: this sport, and like it was actually really funny.

844
00:42:57,440 --> 00:42:59,200
Speaker 3: There was when I was up in Salt Lake.

845
00:42:59,480 --> 00:43:01,560
Speaker 1: It was actually this spring, so it was after Boston,

846
00:43:01,560 --> 00:43:03,200
Speaker 1: so I was already like in a pretty negative place.

847
00:43:03,239 --> 00:43:04,960
Speaker 1: That was the first time I went up there and

848
00:43:05,000 --> 00:43:07,640
Speaker 1: I ran a workout and it went really really well,

849
00:43:07,640 --> 00:43:10,200
Speaker 1: like shockingly well, way better than other workouts had been.

850
00:43:10,440 --> 00:43:13,280
Speaker 1: And I called John and I was just like, it's crazy,

851
00:43:13,360 --> 00:43:16,640
Speaker 1: like I'm like happy, but I'm actually like running well.

852
00:43:16,680 --> 00:43:18,719
Speaker 3: And he's like, are you trying to say that You're

853
00:43:18,760 --> 00:43:19,399
Speaker 3: shocked that.

854
00:43:19,440 --> 00:43:22,200
Speaker 1: Like being happy will lead you to run Okay, because

855
00:43:22,200 --> 00:43:23,839
Speaker 1: I think in my mind I had this idea of

856
00:43:23,840 --> 00:43:26,359
Speaker 1: like you have to be miserable and alone in order

857
00:43:26,400 --> 00:43:28,760
Speaker 1: to run well, Like you can't have both of these things.

858
00:43:30,760 --> 00:43:34,960
Speaker 2: We can't have it all. You can't have it all?

859
00:43:35,000 --> 00:43:35,759
Speaker 3: Are you even that?

860
00:43:35,920 --> 00:43:37,400
Speaker 1: Like you don't have to just be in like this

861
00:43:37,520 --> 00:43:39,239
Speaker 1: negative like running is the only thing that I have

862
00:43:39,280 --> 00:43:41,440
Speaker 1: because I'm like, the workout went super well and I

863
00:43:41,480 --> 00:43:43,360
Speaker 1: was just like I'm excited to get done with the

864
00:43:43,360 --> 00:43:44,000
Speaker 1: workout so i.

865
00:43:43,960 --> 00:43:45,760
Speaker 3: Can go hang out with like Matt.

866
00:43:46,200 --> 00:43:49,279
Speaker 1: It's like it shouldn't be this shocking thing, but I

867
00:43:49,280 --> 00:43:52,200
Speaker 1: think a lot of us runners make it more complicated

868
00:43:52,200 --> 00:43:54,200
Speaker 1: than it needs to be. Of just like if I

869
00:43:54,239 --> 00:43:56,800
Speaker 1: give any sort of space to anything outside of running,

870
00:43:56,800 --> 00:43:57,520
Speaker 1: I'm not going to be good.

871
00:43:57,560 --> 00:43:59,879
Speaker 3: And it's like maybe it'll be better.

872
00:44:00,360 --> 00:44:02,719
Speaker 4: It could be better, And I actually think that this

873
00:44:02,760 --> 00:44:05,880
Speaker 4: is a takeaway I've heard from Emma Bates and the

874
00:44:05,920 --> 00:44:08,200
Speaker 4: girls that train with Team Boss, because it's like the

875
00:44:08,280 --> 00:44:10,399
Speaker 4: more of them that started to like kind of get

876
00:44:10,440 --> 00:44:13,400
Speaker 4: together over there, the more supportive they felt, and like

877
00:44:13,480 --> 00:44:15,319
Speaker 4: the better they felt about being able to do what

878
00:44:15,360 --> 00:44:18,640
Speaker 4: they love while still maintaining friendships, which classically is so

879
00:44:18,880 --> 00:44:22,240
Speaker 4: difficult for not just women but athletes as a whole.

880
00:44:22,280 --> 00:44:24,000
Speaker 4: As you go on and chase your dreams, it's like

881
00:44:24,040 --> 00:44:26,560
Speaker 4: this assumption that my dreams are going to require me

882
00:44:26,640 --> 00:44:29,120
Speaker 4: to miss out on so many things, but what if

883
00:44:29,520 --> 00:44:32,000
Speaker 4: you could choose to do both to some extent, which

884
00:44:32,040 --> 00:44:35,960
Speaker 4: is what now you're doing over in Flagstaff exactly.

885
00:44:36,000 --> 00:44:38,839
Speaker 1: And that's very much what it's been of realizing over

886
00:44:38,840 --> 00:44:40,880
Speaker 1: the last few months of coming out of this hole

887
00:44:41,520 --> 00:44:43,840
Speaker 1: and like just being in a mentally much better space

888
00:44:43,880 --> 00:44:47,480
Speaker 1: and now having like a great supportive boyfriend. I've got

889
00:44:47,560 --> 00:44:50,640
Speaker 1: John who is like my ride or di best friend coach,

890
00:44:50,920 --> 00:44:53,279
Speaker 1: and now we've got this team growing as well with

891
00:44:53,400 --> 00:44:57,120
Speaker 1: Jessic Hansen and Grace and Murphy, and just realizing like wow,

892
00:44:57,239 --> 00:45:00,000
Speaker 1: like this is awesome getting to do this with people,

893
00:45:00,160 --> 00:45:02,120
Speaker 1: because so much of my career has just been doing

894
00:45:02,160 --> 00:45:04,719
Speaker 1: this solo and I think that's contributed to a lot

895
00:45:04,760 --> 00:45:07,160
Speaker 1: of it. And it's just like wow, like it really

896
00:45:07,360 --> 00:45:10,120
Speaker 1: is a lot better when you've just got people who

897
00:45:10,200 --> 00:45:11,080
Speaker 1: you vibe with.

898
00:45:11,719 --> 00:45:12,839
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, for sure.

899
00:45:12,880 --> 00:45:16,239
Speaker 4: And now I want to touch on the Runner's World

900
00:45:16,320 --> 00:45:20,719
Speaker 4: article coming out on October sixth of this year when

901
00:45:20,760 --> 00:45:25,520
Speaker 4: it came out and literally the headline Molly's sidel still Struggles.

902
00:45:26,400 --> 00:45:28,640
Speaker 3: That headline actually really caught me. I did not like

903
00:45:28,640 --> 00:45:29,480
Speaker 3: the headline on that.

904
00:45:30,360 --> 00:45:33,560
Speaker 4: Talk to me about the feelings after the Runner's World

905
00:45:33,640 --> 00:45:36,480
Speaker 4: article comes out, because this is you kind of like

906
00:45:36,600 --> 00:45:40,239
Speaker 4: you had your rock bottom moment you admit to yourself

907
00:45:40,320 --> 00:45:43,160
Speaker 4: like I'm not well. This is really truly the first

908
00:45:43,239 --> 00:45:46,400
Speaker 4: time you admit to the masses that you're not well.

909
00:45:46,440 --> 00:45:47,560
Speaker 2: How does it make you feel?

910
00:45:48,080 --> 00:45:49,800
Speaker 1: It was hard because it came out a lot earlier

911
00:45:49,840 --> 00:45:52,640
Speaker 1: than I was expecting it to. Basically, there had been

912
00:45:53,320 --> 00:45:57,120
Speaker 1: like rumor or I guess not rumors they were true,

913
00:45:57,480 --> 00:46:01,399
Speaker 1: but like people knew what was happening, and people had

914
00:46:01,440 --> 00:46:05,200
Speaker 1: started to talk and say things that were just not right.

915
00:46:05,320 --> 00:46:08,040
Speaker 1: I think one of the going like theories on Let's

916
00:46:08,080 --> 00:46:10,200
Speaker 1: Run was just that I was a raging alcoholic that

917
00:46:10,280 --> 00:46:13,000
Speaker 1: I was in like alcohol treatment centers and I'm like,

918
00:46:13,440 --> 00:46:17,520
Speaker 1: oh okay, And so there was all of this stuff

919
00:46:17,560 --> 00:46:20,279
Speaker 1: going around and then like it did break that like

920
00:46:20,360 --> 00:46:23,920
Speaker 1: I'd been in ed treatment again, and so I was

921
00:46:23,920 --> 00:46:27,000
Speaker 1: being contacted by reporters and it was like, well, I'm

922
00:46:27,040 --> 00:46:29,799
Speaker 1: gonna have to say something eventually. This is earlier than

923
00:46:29,800 --> 00:46:33,040
Speaker 1: I thought I was ready for it, but let's just

924
00:46:33,040 --> 00:46:34,799
Speaker 1: go for it. I'd rather be able to speak my

925
00:46:34,880 --> 00:46:39,080
Speaker 1: piece than have people saying like untrue shit everywhere.

926
00:46:40,000 --> 00:46:42,160
Speaker 3: And so I spoke to Sarah Lursh.

927
00:46:41,960 --> 00:46:44,000
Speaker 1: Butler, who I do have a good relationship with I

928
00:46:44,040 --> 00:46:46,480
Speaker 1: really think she does quality journalism for the sport and

929
00:46:46,480 --> 00:46:48,759
Speaker 1: so someone who I'm like, I know she's gonna do

930
00:46:49,160 --> 00:46:51,920
Speaker 1: like a good job on this and really respect my,

931
00:46:52,480 --> 00:46:54,040
Speaker 1: like my point of view on it. But it was

932
00:46:54,200 --> 00:46:56,440
Speaker 1: it was really really hard talking about him being that

933
00:46:56,560 --> 00:47:02,319
Speaker 1: brutally honest, dealing with the blowback that inevitably came. I'm

934
00:47:02,360 --> 00:47:06,279
Speaker 1: just always shocked too by the people that react when

935
00:47:06,320 --> 00:47:08,360
Speaker 1: I say these things of just like, oh, she's just

936
00:47:08,480 --> 00:47:10,759
Speaker 1: lying to try and get attention. I'm like, there are

937
00:47:10,840 --> 00:47:13,360
Speaker 1: far better ways for me to get attention than.

938
00:47:13,400 --> 00:47:17,640
Speaker 4: Just exemplify the blowback. Aside from like she's lying.

939
00:47:18,840 --> 00:47:21,480
Speaker 3: The I think there's just this like.

940
00:47:23,719 --> 00:47:25,440
Speaker 1: I don't know if it's just like a sort of

941
00:47:25,480 --> 00:47:28,759
Speaker 1: like hatred that there is against like women or people

942
00:47:28,760 --> 00:47:31,200
Speaker 1: who deal with this stuff, or this fact that like

943
00:47:31,280 --> 00:47:33,359
Speaker 1: I was supposed to have been fixed and I am

944
00:47:33,480 --> 00:47:37,000
Speaker 1: very much not fixed, and it's like this idea and

945
00:47:37,040 --> 00:47:39,680
Speaker 1: that I very much felt that I was letting a

946
00:47:39,719 --> 00:47:43,080
Speaker 1: lot of people down. And that was the hardest thing

947
00:47:43,239 --> 00:47:45,759
Speaker 1: of just seeing like I think like people probably feel

948
00:47:45,760 --> 00:47:48,640
Speaker 1: a similar thing when they like rehab or like relapse

949
00:47:48,680 --> 00:47:51,960
Speaker 1: with drugs or alcohol, like eating disorder is much more

950
00:47:52,000 --> 00:47:55,279
Speaker 1: similar to addiction than a lot of people actually realize.

951
00:47:56,000 --> 00:47:59,040
Speaker 1: It's a similar mechanism in the brain, and so, like,

952
00:47:59,120 --> 00:48:02,239
Speaker 1: relapse is just a part of what recovery is a

953
00:48:02,239 --> 00:48:05,760
Speaker 1: lot of times. And so, but there is that fear

954
00:48:06,080 --> 00:48:07,920
Speaker 1: of just like, man like, are people going to see

955
00:48:07,960 --> 00:48:09,360
Speaker 1: me as a fraud? Are people going to see me

956
00:48:09,360 --> 00:48:13,160
Speaker 1: as a failure? Like saying that I was still dealing

957
00:48:13,200 --> 00:48:15,279
Speaker 1: with this at the Olympics, Like I'm disappointing a lot

958
00:48:15,280 --> 00:48:18,120
Speaker 1: of people, and I think that's the hardest thing to

959
00:48:18,239 --> 00:48:18,719
Speaker 1: deal with.

960
00:48:18,880 --> 00:48:24,560
Speaker 4: Ultimately, what do you feel is more difficult disappointing other

961
00:48:24,880 --> 00:48:27,200
Speaker 4: people or disappointing yourself?

962
00:48:28,200 --> 00:48:32,480
Speaker 3: Mm, I think I think it's probably equal.

963
00:48:32,800 --> 00:48:35,160
Speaker 1: I think it's just like it's this like it's just

964
00:48:35,200 --> 00:48:37,840
Speaker 1: this deep shame that I felt that was the hardest

965
00:48:37,840 --> 00:48:40,319
Speaker 1: part of it all of like this shame that like

966
00:48:41,120 --> 00:48:44,279
Speaker 1: I failed, I fell right back into it, like I

967
00:48:44,360 --> 00:48:46,560
Speaker 1: should be better than this, And I know should is

968
00:48:46,600 --> 00:48:49,040
Speaker 1: like the worst word in the world, but it's like

969
00:48:50,120 --> 00:48:52,799
Speaker 1: this feeling of like, man like, I thought that by

970
00:48:52,840 --> 00:48:54,839
Speaker 1: the time I would get to the place of being

971
00:48:54,840 --> 00:48:57,360
Speaker 1: an Olympic medalist, that I wouldn't be dealing with this anymore,

972
00:48:58,080 --> 00:48:59,880
Speaker 1: that I wouldn't still deal with body image shiff, that

973
00:48:59,920 --> 00:49:04,080
Speaker 1: I wouldn't still deal with just the like how much

974
00:49:04,160 --> 00:49:06,440
Speaker 1: this takes over your life. And I think that's just

975
00:49:06,520 --> 00:49:08,680
Speaker 1: really hard, Like I never imagined that for myself. I

976
00:49:08,719 --> 00:49:13,279
Speaker 1: never wanted that for myself. And yeah, then just knowing like, hey,

977
00:49:13,360 --> 00:49:16,319
Speaker 1: I don't want I don't want younger girls to see

978
00:49:16,320 --> 00:49:17,920
Speaker 1: me and think like this is what it takes to

979
00:49:17,960 --> 00:49:20,319
Speaker 1: run at this level because it's not like it's it's

980
00:49:20,400 --> 00:49:23,000
Speaker 1: only hurt my career. It has not helped my career,

981
00:49:23,239 --> 00:49:26,200
Speaker 1: and if anything, it's almost ended my career multiple times.

982
00:49:26,680 --> 00:49:28,440
Speaker 1: And so it's like, I think that's the hardest thing

983
00:49:28,480 --> 00:49:32,400
Speaker 1: of just realizing how persistent eating disorders are in the

984
00:49:32,440 --> 00:49:35,440
Speaker 1: sport and how insidious they are that it's like it's

985
00:49:35,480 --> 00:49:37,040
Speaker 1: kind of like a whack a mole. Every time you

986
00:49:37,120 --> 00:49:40,160
Speaker 1: think you've gotten it done, like two more pop up

987
00:49:40,200 --> 00:49:42,800
Speaker 1: in different locations and in different ways.

988
00:49:43,560 --> 00:49:47,960
Speaker 4: When it came to being upfront with your family about

989
00:49:48,000 --> 00:49:52,720
Speaker 4: this relapse, did you find it to be equally as

990
00:49:52,880 --> 00:49:55,080
Speaker 4: challenging to open up about.

991
00:49:55,600 --> 00:49:58,920
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think it's really difficult for me to talk

992
00:49:58,960 --> 00:50:01,440
Speaker 1: about mental health stuff with my family.

993
00:50:01,520 --> 00:50:02,960
Speaker 3: And I think even like being.

994
00:50:02,719 --> 00:50:07,520
Speaker 1: Public about it is like pretty difficult for my parents

995
00:50:07,560 --> 00:50:10,040
Speaker 1: to bear, so I've tried to like shield them from

996
00:50:10,080 --> 00:50:13,160
Speaker 1: a lot of it. So I think that was the

997
00:50:13,160 --> 00:50:17,080
Speaker 1: thing that article coming out was a really difficult thing

998
00:50:17,239 --> 00:50:21,360
Speaker 1: for our family. Yeah, and I and that's really hard

999
00:50:21,400 --> 00:50:22,560
Speaker 1: as well of just like.

1000
00:50:24,080 --> 00:50:28,880
Speaker 3: Me kind of like speaking my peace on it and knowing.

1001
00:50:28,480 --> 00:50:32,000
Speaker 1: That, like my parents aren't going to handle it so

1002
00:50:32,280 --> 00:50:38,920
Speaker 1: super well is difficult. But ultimately it's like, I'm an adult.

1003
00:50:38,960 --> 00:50:41,560
Speaker 1: How I talk about my mental health in my life

1004
00:50:41,800 --> 00:50:45,480
Speaker 1: is my choice, and how I handle my treatment is

1005
00:50:45,480 --> 00:50:49,160
Speaker 1: also my choice as well, and so it's kind of

1006
00:50:49,200 --> 00:50:53,040
Speaker 1: just like, yeah, it's just one of those things I

1007
00:50:53,080 --> 00:50:55,640
Speaker 1: have to deal with, but it's nice having like it

1008
00:50:55,680 --> 00:51:00,319
Speaker 1: is nice ultimately having a lot of support and just

1009
00:51:00,360 --> 00:51:02,200
Speaker 1: like being able to feel that like, no matter what

1010
00:51:02,840 --> 00:51:05,239
Speaker 1: choice I make, like I'll be supported in it.

1011
00:51:06,200 --> 00:51:10,680
Speaker 4: I think that's the most interesting thing about navigating mental

1012
00:51:10,719 --> 00:51:15,400
Speaker 4: health challenge, adversity, et cetera. Is at the end of

1013
00:51:15,440 --> 00:51:18,320
Speaker 4: the day, it is up to us to do what's

1014
00:51:18,360 --> 00:51:21,640
Speaker 4: in the best interest for ourselves, and that doesn't mean

1015
00:51:21,680 --> 00:51:25,680
Speaker 4: that you can't be considered or take into account how

1016
00:51:25,800 --> 00:51:29,480
Speaker 4: your decisions may make other people feel, but it is

1017
00:51:29,560 --> 00:51:34,839
Speaker 4: not our responsibility, nor are we capable of coping with

1018
00:51:35,120 --> 00:51:36,480
Speaker 4: how it makes them feel.

1019
00:51:36,880 --> 00:51:39,520
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, And I think that's it is like I

1020
00:51:39,560 --> 00:51:42,560
Speaker 1: grew up in a family where we don't talk about

1021
00:51:42,560 --> 00:51:45,319
Speaker 1: mental health stuff, we don't talk about our emotions, and

1022
00:51:45,480 --> 00:51:47,200
Speaker 1: I think part of that has made it difficult. Like

1023
00:51:47,200 --> 00:51:50,560
Speaker 1: when I was a kid, I didn't I didn't express

1024
00:51:50,640 --> 00:51:53,480
Speaker 1: my parents how bad things were and how much I

1025
00:51:53,520 --> 00:51:56,319
Speaker 1: was really struggling and same thing. So it was like

1026
00:51:57,200 --> 00:51:59,160
Speaker 1: when I got to college and all of this stuff

1027
00:51:59,239 --> 00:52:01,319
Speaker 1: really started coming out and coming to a head, it

1028
00:52:01,440 --> 00:52:03,799
Speaker 1: was hard for them to deal with it. And I

1029
00:52:03,800 --> 00:52:06,680
Speaker 1: think it was really hard for them because like for

1030
00:52:06,840 --> 00:52:10,000
Speaker 1: my mom, it's like she like obviously just wants me

1031
00:52:10,040 --> 00:52:13,959
Speaker 1: to be healthy and happy, but she's like, I'm trying

1032
00:52:13,960 --> 00:52:16,040
Speaker 1: to think of the right way to say this. It's

1033
00:52:16,080 --> 00:52:18,960
Speaker 1: like it's not anything they did wrong as parents. It's

1034
00:52:19,040 --> 00:52:22,680
Speaker 1: just like it's just who I am. And so it's

1035
00:52:22,760 --> 00:52:25,440
Speaker 1: like trying to take it away from that of not

1036
00:52:25,640 --> 00:52:27,680
Speaker 1: making it a pejorative thing and just being like, hey,

1037
00:52:27,680 --> 00:52:29,760
Speaker 1: this is something that I'm going to deal with forever,

1038
00:52:30,200 --> 00:52:32,160
Speaker 1: and it's not a reflection on how you parented me.

1039
00:52:32,320 --> 00:52:34,480
Speaker 1: It's just who I am, but I just need your

1040
00:52:34,520 --> 00:52:36,440
Speaker 1: support and being able to talk about this. So I

1041
00:52:36,480 --> 00:52:38,640
Speaker 1: think that was actually kind of the thing. When this

1042
00:52:38,800 --> 00:52:40,759
Speaker 1: article came out. I did have an argument with my

1043
00:52:40,800 --> 00:52:42,879
Speaker 1: mom about whether or not this was appropriate to talk

1044
00:52:42,880 --> 00:52:47,160
Speaker 1: about publicly, and then she actually started getting a lot

1045
00:52:47,200 --> 00:52:51,360
Speaker 1: of messages from like people in our community, people around,

1046
00:52:51,440 --> 00:52:54,000
Speaker 1: people who have followed me throughout my career and like

1047
00:52:55,040 --> 00:52:56,920
Speaker 1: how much it did really help them, a lot of

1048
00:52:56,920 --> 00:53:00,520
Speaker 1: people who have been diagnosed with like adult ADHD or

1049
00:53:00,560 --> 00:53:02,799
Speaker 1: a lot of people who have dealt with depression and

1050
00:53:02,880 --> 00:53:06,280
Speaker 1: stuff like that, and that it hearing about it really helped.

1051
00:53:06,960 --> 00:53:09,560
Speaker 1: And I think it like and she did express that

1052
00:53:09,640 --> 00:53:11,760
Speaker 1: to me, and we did have a pretty like heartfelt

1053
00:53:11,800 --> 00:53:15,240
Speaker 1: conversation about that of just like what it meant about,

1054
00:53:15,280 --> 00:53:18,240
Speaker 1: like hearing from those people about how much it mattered

1055
00:53:18,280 --> 00:53:21,919
Speaker 1: to them, just because like I wish that I'd had

1056
00:53:22,840 --> 00:53:25,360
Speaker 1: role models when I was young that were able to

1057
00:53:25,400 --> 00:53:27,319
Speaker 1: speak out like this, and maybe I would have told

1058
00:53:27,320 --> 00:53:29,520
Speaker 1: my parents about it sooner. I would have told them

1059
00:53:29,600 --> 00:53:33,160
Speaker 1: about like just all the things that I was experiencing

1060
00:53:33,200 --> 00:53:35,440
Speaker 1: as a kid that I never dealt with that I'm.

1061
00:53:35,320 --> 00:53:36,239
Speaker 3: Now dealing with.

1062
00:53:37,560 --> 00:53:39,640
Speaker 4: Well, I can tell you that There are certainly people

1063
00:53:39,640 --> 00:53:41,839
Speaker 4: listening to this and people that look to you, as

1064
00:53:41,880 --> 00:53:45,719
Speaker 4: you've stated before, for a sense of guidance, for just

1065
00:53:45,920 --> 00:53:48,840
Speaker 4: like their true admiration, for the fact that you're so

1066
00:53:49,000 --> 00:53:53,440
Speaker 4: upfront about what you're still navigating. I'm not going to

1067
00:53:53,480 --> 00:53:56,080
Speaker 4: say Molly's sidel still struggles. I'm going to say what

1068
00:53:56,160 --> 00:53:57,839
Speaker 4: you are navigating.

1069
00:53:58,160 --> 00:53:58,799
Speaker 3: Yeah.

1070
00:53:58,840 --> 00:54:01,600
Speaker 1: I just I hated that headline because it just seems

1071
00:54:01,680 --> 00:54:04,400
Speaker 1: so much like the Molly's title wants you to know

1072
00:54:04,480 --> 00:54:06,600
Speaker 1: she still struggles. It's like, I don't want you to

1073
00:54:06,640 --> 00:54:07,480
Speaker 1: know anything.

1074
00:54:07,920 --> 00:54:10,839
Speaker 3: I'm just like, Oh, we couldn't find a better headline.

1075
00:54:11,239 --> 00:54:13,839
Speaker 4: Oh my gosh. Well, you know how I do here.

1076
00:54:14,200 --> 00:54:15,399
Speaker 4: The last time I had to do on the show,

1077
00:54:15,440 --> 00:54:17,200
Speaker 4: I asked you this question. So I'm gonna ask it

1078
00:54:17,200 --> 00:54:21,120
Speaker 4: to you again right now. You have an opportunity right

1079
00:54:21,160 --> 00:54:24,440
Speaker 4: now to someone comes to your Instagram page they see

1080
00:54:24,480 --> 00:54:27,360
Speaker 4: a pro runner for Puma with over two hundred and

1081
00:54:27,400 --> 00:54:32,200
Speaker 4: thirty thousand followers. You look in the mirror, what is

1082
00:54:32,239 --> 00:54:35,360
Speaker 4: it that you see looking back at you these days?

1083
00:54:35,640 --> 00:54:40,600
Speaker 1: Hmmm, I think I'm seeing a person that I'm like

1084
00:54:41,719 --> 00:54:45,359
Speaker 1: that is very much a work in progress, but that

1085
00:54:45,560 --> 00:54:49,640
Speaker 1: is working really, really, really hard and I think that's

1086
00:54:49,680 --> 00:54:51,439
Speaker 1: where I'm trying to have a little bit more self

1087
00:54:51,440 --> 00:54:55,400
Speaker 1: compassion of just like I think maybe that's like the

1088
00:54:55,520 --> 00:54:57,640
Speaker 1: legacy that I would like to have is that, like

1089
00:54:58,320 --> 00:55:00,440
Speaker 1: I have worked really really hard at all of this,

1090
00:55:00,560 --> 00:55:04,040
Speaker 1: and I might not be the most exceptional athlete out there.

1091
00:55:04,080 --> 00:55:06,719
Speaker 1: I kind of always have seen myself as like a

1092
00:55:06,760 --> 00:55:12,120
Speaker 1: slightly like subpar athlete. Also, the USADA drug testers are

1093
00:55:12,160 --> 00:55:15,480
Speaker 1: here right now, so I actually might need to go shoot. Okay,

1094
00:55:15,680 --> 00:55:17,799
Speaker 1: we brought it on by me talking about USADA drug

1095
00:55:17,840 --> 00:55:18,640
Speaker 1: testers at the beginning.

1096
00:55:19,320 --> 00:55:28,919
Speaker 4: I did I warn you or did I warn you

1097
00:55:29,000 --> 00:55:32,200
Speaker 4: that it was going to end abruptly? For those of

1098
00:55:32,280 --> 00:55:36,160
Speaker 4: you that aren't in the loop on how drug testing works, USADA,

1099
00:55:36,239 --> 00:55:40,480
Speaker 4: as reference stands for the US Anti Doping Agency, Every

1100
00:55:40,640 --> 00:55:45,080
Speaker 4: professional athlete has to file whereabouts information with USADA, and

1101
00:55:45,120 --> 00:55:48,960
Speaker 4: then athletes can be tested at any time three sixty

1102
00:55:49,000 --> 00:55:53,160
Speaker 4: five days a year without advanced notice. The purpose for this,

1103
00:55:53,360 --> 00:55:55,720
Speaker 4: as you may or may not know, health and epics.

1104
00:55:55,760 --> 00:55:59,080
Speaker 4: I mean, we want to have a clean sport, and

1105
00:55:59,200 --> 00:56:00,080
Speaker 4: doping is both a.

1106
00:56:00,160 --> 00:56:01,920
Speaker 2: Health issue and an ethics issue.

1107
00:56:02,000 --> 00:56:06,120
Speaker 4: So these random drug tests are all a part of

1108
00:56:06,160 --> 00:56:08,760
Speaker 4: the funness that pros go through.

1109
00:56:08,960 --> 00:56:12,960
Speaker 2: To compete at their level. That's it for now.

1110
00:56:13,160 --> 00:56:16,760
Speaker 4: Make sure you're following Mollie over on social Her account

1111
00:56:16,880 --> 00:56:21,360
Speaker 4: is bygolly dot Mollie and also follow along with Hurdle

1112
00:56:21,360 --> 00:56:24,240
Speaker 4: It's over at Hurdle podcast, I Am over at Emily

1113
00:56:24,520 --> 00:56:27,160
Speaker 4: a Body, Another hurdle conquered.

1114
00:56:27,600 --> 00:56:28,640
Speaker 2: Catch you guys next time