00:00:03 Speaker 1: When I invited you here I thought. 00:00:13 Speaker 2: I made myself perfectly clear When you're a guest in my home You gotta come to me empty-handed I said no gifts, your presence is presence enough And I already had too much stuff So how do you dare disobey me? 00:00:39 Speaker 1: Guitar solo. 00:00:48 Speaker 3: Welcome to I Said No Gifts. I'm Bridger Weiniger. It's a little after 7 p.m. I'm here to inspire and motivate you. Ah, what is happening? I stopped at Target on the way here just to have something to talk about. Now we've talked about it, so I guess we can move on. I, well, I also went to Lowe's in the same parking lot. There's a strip mall in Burbank, California that is going to offer you every big box retailer you could possibly imagine. And I walked away with nothing. I'm looking for a pot. Finding an indoor pot is a nightmare. So that didn't happen. I think this all started, I got a bad salad for lunch. This is the second time I've ordered it. I'm trying to commit to memory that I hate this particular salad. And it's set Kind of the mood for the rest of the day. So, what are you going to do? Is there anything else I need to talk about? No, I don't think so. I feel like, do you know what? I think it's time for a new leader in the fast casual space, restaurant-wise. We need, you know, for a long time it was Chipotle, and I think America is lost. We don't have a fast casual restaurant that we can all turn to in, you know, in a pinch. So that restauranteurs get on it. Patreon.com slash I said no gifts. Come on over. Support the podcast. Be absolutely spoiled by me. I mean, the content is overflowing. And calling it content is gross because it's really artfully done. So come on over. Let's get into the podcast. Today's guest is absolutely fantastic. It's Steph Tolev. Steph, welcome to I Said No Gifts. 00:02:43 Speaker 4: What about sweet green for the restaurant? Yes, I'm one of those. 00:02:46 Speaker 3: Do you want my problem with sweet green? What? The kale is as dry as you could possibly imagine. 00:02:52 Speaker 4: It's not massaged. They need to massage it. They need a kale masseuse in there. 00:02:55 Speaker 3: Yeah, you're the biggest salad company in the country. 00:02:58 Speaker 2: Yeah. 00:02:59 Speaker 3: And you're not massaging your kale. 00:03:00 Speaker 4: Not even a light whisper of it. Not even like a thumb. Nothing. They're doing nothing over there. It is dry, but I always get the two salad dressings. I don't care about the calories. I need a wet salad. Of course. 00:03:12 Speaker 3: How else are you going to swallow it? I don't know. 00:03:14 Speaker 4: They say dry. They say light, medium, or heavy. I'm like, bitch, load me up with some fucking sauce. 00:03:18 Speaker 3: Make it a soup. 00:03:19 Speaker 4: Yeah, I'd love a soup. By the bottom, it is quite soupy. I get a spoon. 00:03:24 Speaker 3: That's a sign of a good salad. It is. 00:03:26 Speaker 2: Wetness. 00:03:26 Speaker 3: Otherwise, the kale is like tissue paper in a gift wrap. 00:03:30 Speaker 4: Well, you're obsessed with gifts, clearly. I'm obsessed with gifts. 00:03:33 Speaker 3: That's why I'm thinking about it all the time. 00:03:34 Speaker 4: That's why you can't eat. You're like, I'm just thinking of my next gift. That's your problem. I do get the kale salad. I get the harvest bowl. Oh. 00:03:41 Speaker 3: I'm obsessed with it. See, I get the kale Caesar. 00:03:44 Speaker 4: See? Why are we both eating it then? 00:03:45 Speaker 3: Maybe we like it. 00:03:47 Speaker 4: Maybe we actually like how dry it is because that's bizarre that we both get that. 00:03:51 Speaker 3: Yeah, that's interesting. I mean, it has everything there that I would like to eat. 00:03:53 Speaker 2: Yes. 00:03:54 Speaker 3: And then I just get it and I think, oh my God, how did they, are they dehydrating the kale? 00:03:59 Speaker 4: It seems like it's sitting out. It seems like it's sitting out. 00:04:02 Speaker 3: Just spray it down. 00:04:03 Speaker 4: A light rinse. A light rinse. I did a video, speaking of content, you know when you post something that you think is the funniest thing you've ever done? Uh-huh. I was a kale masseuse. And I set up this whole thing like a bed, and I massaged this kale. It is the worst video I've ever posted in my life. I think I hit 10K, and I've tried to post it three more times. It's so bad. But I had this soft music playing, and I was like, ooh, does that feel good? And I was just rubbing this piece. Bombed. You know what? 00:04:28 Speaker 3: When did you make this? 00:04:30 Speaker 4: A while ago. But I've reposted it since getting more followers. They still don't like it. 00:04:35 Speaker 3: That is a bad feeling. Once you've grown an audience, you're like, well, there just wasn't enough people at the time. 00:04:39 Speaker 2: No, no, no, no. 00:04:41 Speaker 4: It's it's unliked. It's it's wildly unliked. And I'm I'm not going to drop it. I might post it again. You know, I've mentioned it. It's coming back. 00:04:48 Speaker 3: I hope it's like 30 minutes long and you just can't figure out why people aren't sticking around. Why? 00:04:52 Speaker 4: Because I don't show the kale to the very end. They're like, I don't understand what this is. Really like to drag people. 00:04:58 Speaker 3: Did you during this whole salad debacle, the lettuce and everything, did you stop? Neither did I. You're not going to stop me. 00:05:04 Speaker 4: Excuse us. We live in Los Angeles. We're on camera. I'm not supposed to eat lettuce. What am I supposed to eat, french fries? I don't understand what these people think we're supposed to do here. 00:05:11 Speaker 3: There's nothing stopping me. 00:05:13 Speaker 4: Also, I already had diarrhea, which I feel like everyone already did. That's what I was confused by. I'm like, everyone's out here logging every day? I haven't logged in years. 00:05:21 Speaker 3: That really is a thing to me where I'm like, it just doesn't seem like that big of a threat unless I'm a senior or a toddler. 00:05:26 Speaker 4: Yes. And still, there also aren't they doing it, too? Yeah. 00:05:29 Speaker 3: I mean, certainly toddlers. Oh, and I guess also seniors. 00:05:32 Speaker 4: I mean, I'm not checking seniors' butts, but I assume there's some wetness back there. 00:05:37 Speaker 3: Those are the two diaper ends, you know. 00:05:38 Speaker 2: See? 00:05:39 Speaker 4: Exactly. They're diaper ending the book end there. I feel like... I'm confused when people are just having salt logs. So none of it was going to affect my day-to-day at all. 00:05:50 Speaker 3: And I'm now probably bringing something horrible into my life. I'm begging for something. 00:05:55 Speaker 4: Bad to happen to me. Well, you know what? What are we doing? Something's always going to happen. It doesn't matter. You had a bad salad today. Something's happening tomorrow. You know? That's my negative space I'm in right now. 00:06:10 Speaker 3: Tell me about the Harvest Bowl. 00:06:12 Speaker 4: See, I got you excited. 00:06:13 Speaker 3: I'm curious about the Harvest Bowl. 00:06:15 Speaker 4: You got your sweet potatoes. Okay. Thinly sliced. 00:06:18 Speaker 3: Okay, that is a huge thing for me. 00:06:20 Speaker 4: Roasted. 00:06:21 Speaker 3: Because a thick sweet potato. 00:06:23 Speaker 4: They never cook properly. Right. 00:06:24 Speaker 3: Hard. Hard as rocks. 00:06:25 Speaker 4: You can't have those rocks in a salad. No, no, no. Then you got goat cheese, and they give you a big scoop. A hefty scoop. 00:06:31 Speaker 3: I feel like that should be in every salad. 00:06:33 Speaker 4: Why isn't it? 00:06:34 Speaker 3: Goat cheese. 00:06:35 Speaker 4: It spreads nice. 00:06:36 Speaker 3: Oh, it's fantastic. 00:06:37 Speaker 4: It doesn't go bad for a while, too. You never get bad goat cheese. 00:06:40 Speaker 3: No. And again, this is us inviting that into our lives. 00:06:45 Speaker 4: Also, can we get sponsored, both of us, by Sweetgreen for the descriptions we're doing here? Also, it's the lowest calorie. If you get the one dressing. 00:06:53 Speaker 2: Okay. 00:06:54 Speaker 4: If you get the one. But again, we've discussed this. Then you get, what do you have with it? You have, you roast a chicken. 00:07:00 Speaker 3: Okay, delicious. Another key to a salad for me. 00:07:02 Speaker 4: I get the almonds on the side. I feel like the almonds push it over the edge. 00:07:05 Speaker 3: You don't like an almond. 00:07:06 Speaker 4: I don't like an almond in a salad. I like an almond snack. 00:07:08 Speaker 3: Where are you going for a crunch? 00:07:11 Speaker 4: Sometimes some of the corners of the sweet potatoes, they've been roasted too hard. Oh, interesting. And you get a bit of a crunch. 00:07:15 Speaker 3: So you're relying on a mistake. 00:07:18 Speaker 4: That's correct. I also sometimes, I like just, I don't like chewing too much. More of a swallower. I don't need to be. mucking around with my teeth for that long you know what I mean. 00:07:28 Speaker 3: I'll tell you what as I'm getting older I'm finding myself choking more Yes, same. Really? 00:07:33 Speaker 4: Oh, what is that? 00:07:34 Speaker 3: Okay, it's actually good to hear another adult has this happening. 00:07:37 Speaker 4: It's bad. It's scary. 00:07:39 Speaker 3: It's really a weird feeling because I was like, I thought those were days, that was like elementary school. It's getting to a point where I'm like, I have to chew everything a lot. 00:07:46 Speaker 4: That's the problem. I have choked in the last year probably three times to the point where I'm like, one of them was scary. And I'm always alone. 00:07:54 Speaker 3: When it's happening, you're just like, oh, this is the time. 00:07:56 Speaker 4: This is it. And I don't want to go out like that. 00:07:57 Speaker 3: No, no, no, no. 00:07:58 Speaker 4: That can't be the way. Choking on a sweet green salad alone? No, no, no. 00:08:04 Speaker 3: If I'm going to die choking, it's also while driving and I steer off the freeway because I'm choking. 00:08:08 Speaker 4: I want a public. I want to be in like a, what is that place called? Not Switzerland. That like pizza parlor out here that I've never seen anybody. 00:08:16 Speaker 3: Shakey's. 00:08:16 Speaker 4: Shakey's, that's it. 00:08:17 Speaker 3: Happy birthday, Seth. 00:08:18 Speaker 4: I want to die at a Shakey's choking because you know no one in there knows how to do the Heimlich. I want to be in a public place and maybe that video will go viral. Finally. Finally. And then they'll play my kale one. We don't care that she died. That's fine. 00:08:34 Speaker 3: Yeah, it's really quite frightening. And I used to swallow every piece of gum I would chew. 00:08:39 Speaker 4: What? 00:08:40 Speaker 3: This was a big political statement for me. This was something, this is what I got the most political about. I felt like, why isn't everybody swallowing the gum? 00:08:46 Speaker 4: This is crazy. Why not? Why not? Because I feel like you've just collected every little thing that's in your tooth. It's been sitting there for a long time. It's like a dirty piece. 00:08:54 Speaker 3: Yeah, shoot it into your stomach acid. What's wrong with that? 00:08:58 Speaker 4: Wouldn't it come out whole? 00:09:00 Speaker 3: I'm not checking. 00:09:01 Speaker 4: You're not checking? You're not looking in? Are you crazy? 00:09:05 Speaker 3: You're not sending it to the lab? 00:09:07 Speaker 4: You're not taking everyone into a Ziploc bag and carrying it to your doctor? You don't look in? 00:09:14 Speaker 3: No. 00:09:14 Speaker 4: You never look? You go, you wipe, you flush, and you go on with your day? 00:09:19 Speaker 3: Not every time. No, certainly not. And not to a point where I'm looking for people. Well, you're not in there with two sticks. People are eating breakfast right now. 00:09:27 Speaker 4: Well, I'm sorry. They don't poo? 00:09:29 Speaker 3: It's a good question, though. It's a fair question. 00:09:31 Speaker 4: I think it's a fair question. I guess I assumed everyone did look. 00:09:35 Speaker 3: Yeah, I look, I would say probably every fourth. 00:09:38 Speaker 4: Every fourth? I don't know. 00:09:39 Speaker 3: I'm not even thinking about it. 00:09:41 Speaker 4: I'm thinking and I'm having a long heart peak. I'm for sure looking. There's no way I'm not. 00:09:47 Speaker 3: I guess like you just see because you're like, you turn, you. 00:09:50 Speaker 4: Know, like. Yeah, you turn, like. I guess some people flush. Some people like to flush their sitting. I know people do that because they want the smell. I like to take a little peek first. 00:09:57 Speaker 3: I'm actually, now I'm like fully like, I rarely. do i for whatever reason i was i was picturing myself standing. 00:10:03 Speaker 4: Well you should be standing yeah i just like i like to have a little peeksy i'm not standing and then going like this and moving the toilet paper around i i just have a little just to know just to see how i'm doing it makes me feel like i'm healthy Yeah, I. 00:10:14 Speaker 3: Think you do need to occasionally look, especially if you're not feeling right. 00:10:18 Speaker 4: You know, I don't think you're supposed, what I'm doing sounds wrong. 00:10:21 Speaker 3: It sounds like you're, it's kind of like a little entertainment for you. 00:10:24 Speaker 4: I feel like I'm sick. 00:10:25 Speaker 3: This is a private show. 00:10:26 Speaker 4: Yeah, I've got some. Gross kink for my own shit is what I'm realizing right now on this public podcast. So that's good. That's good for me to find that out now. 00:10:37 Speaker 3: And I have a problem with just, I was just being agreeable and just saying, yeah, I do. And then I'm realizing, no, that's not nearly, I'm not doing that nearly as often as I'm claiming to. 00:10:46 Speaker 4: No, no, no, you're not doing it at all. 00:10:48 Speaker 3: And I'm also imagining myself standing next to a full toilet. 00:10:51 Speaker 4: No, that's, well, that's where it gets weird because you're not getting up. 00:10:54 Speaker 3: Right. 00:10:54 Speaker 4: And like putting your hands in the bowl and getting in there. Like, I don't know what you're thinking. That's what I feel like you think I'm doing. I'm like lifting up the seat to get closer. I don't know what the heck you think is going on there. 00:11:05 Speaker 3: This is where I reveal I've never used a toilet. Yeah, you've just had. 00:11:08 Speaker 4: A hole in your– oh, do you want to hear something crazy? What? I just ran into– did you see the big debacle with the guy in the billboard? 00:11:17 Speaker 3: Oh, my God, yes. Wait, has something bad happened to him? 00:11:20 Speaker 4: No, no, no, no, no. 00:11:21 Speaker 3: Because something could. 00:11:22 Speaker 4: Yeah, well, because now that we're talking about this poopoo caca stuff. 00:11:26 Speaker 3: Right, right. 00:11:26 Speaker 4: I just ran into this guy on the street today. 00:11:29 Speaker 3: He's out of the billboard. 00:11:30 Speaker 4: He's out of the billboard. 00:11:31 Speaker 3: Okay. 00:11:31 Speaker 4: He had a puppy, so I got distracted. I saw the dog, and then he's like, hey, he recognized me. And I'm like, oh, it's a hard-raising puppy. I don't know who this guy is. 00:11:38 Speaker 2: Whatever. 00:11:39 Speaker 4: Very attractive. Oh. And then I go, yeah, it's a hard-raising puppy. He goes, you're telling me I'm the guy from the billboard. 00:11:45 Speaker 3: Oh, I was going. 00:11:46 Speaker 4: And I went, all right. Like, he really wanted me to know, but I was intrigued because my first question, I went, how do you go to the bathroom up there? 00:11:53 Speaker 3: Right, of course. What did he say? 00:11:54 Speaker 4: Can't tell. 00:11:56 Speaker 3: Can't tell. Okay, so then he's not staying up there. 00:11:58 Speaker 4: No, or he's standing beside the toilet looking in. He didn't want to talk about it. 00:12:01 Speaker 3: They're sneaking him out. 00:12:03 Speaker 4: Or there's like a special little toilet up there. Well, then tell. Tell me. I need to know. Is it a bucket? 00:12:08 Speaker 3: It's not a trade secret. 00:12:10 Speaker 4: No. Yeah, what the heck? 00:12:11 Speaker 3: Like you're going to steal the idea for your own billboard? I'm not going in a billboard. Listener, if you're not aware, it was basically a stunt for some TV show or movie where a man... was in a house living in the house in a billboard. 00:12:23 Speaker 2: Yes. 00:12:23 Speaker 4: And it was like right on Sunset Boulevard. Right. So it was very public. And I think at first people didn't really get it because they're like, oh, it's some animatronic or something. Right. And then he'd like look back. It is, the problem is, I couldn't tell you what the name of the show is. 00:12:36 Speaker 2: No. 00:12:37 Speaker 4: And so I'm like, it didn't work that well. 00:12:38 Speaker 3: No, it didn't work at all. 00:12:40 Speaker 4: I'm not, we both have no idea what the show is. I just knew there's a man in there. That's all I knew. 00:12:45 Speaker 3: And there was a house. I'm like, Well, this sounds like they're going too far with the promotion, so I'm not even going to look into it. It must be bad. I assume, well, it's bad. 00:12:52 Speaker 4: Okay, that's where you went with it. Okay, okay, okay. I just went with exactly, I need to know what's going on there. 00:12:58 Speaker 2: Right. 00:12:58 Speaker 3: How do they find this particular guy? Is that a Craigslist post? 00:13:02 Speaker 4: I don't know, because he was really good looking. So I feel like it was almost wasted. He was so far up there. 00:13:06 Speaker 3: Yeah, you could have had anybody up there. 00:13:07 Speaker 4: Some ghoul up there mucking around. You don't know what's going on. You can't see him. 00:13:10 Speaker 3: This is the hunchback of Notre Dame? 00:13:12 Speaker 4: Yeah, I could have been up there. That would have been perfect casting. Yeah. I mean, what the hell? It was bizarre. I didn't get too far into it. 00:13:18 Speaker 3: But you kind of can't blame him for... I mean, like, the only way anyone will ever know is he has to just tell people flat out. 00:13:23 Speaker 4: Yes, exactly. 00:13:23 Speaker 3: Because why else would anyone know? You can't put that in your credits on IMDb. 00:13:27 Speaker 4: No, no, no. 00:13:27 Speaker 3: Guy in Billboard. He just added me on Instagram. 00:13:29 Speaker 4: Should I see? 00:13:29 Speaker 3: Oh, he's really pushing. 00:13:31 Speaker 4: No, I was going to say, no, but should I see? Should I see what his Bible is? 00:13:36 Speaker 3: Yes, yes. 00:13:38 Speaker 4: Guy from Billboard. Like, okay, this guy really... really loves this credit. 00:13:42 Speaker 3: Did you see it in person no I was away see this is another thing where I'm like there's a chance it didn't even happen and we're all just talking about. 00:13:49 Speaker 4: It but you didn't see people post. 00:13:50 Speaker 3: It well we don't trust I mean that could all be made up. 00:13:54 Speaker 4: I saw friends posting it you saw friends I saw friends in their. 00:13:56 Speaker 3: Stories maybe paid promotion part of the street team. 00:14:00 Speaker 4: These are desperate comedians they could have they actually could have taken the money for. 00:14:03 Speaker 3: Sure you can get anyone to do anything in LA for money so I mean and he's a good example of. 00:14:08 Speaker 4: It what's the worst thing you've done for money Oh, that's a great question. 00:14:12 Speaker 3: Nothing too terrible, actually. Just a lot of horrible jobs. 00:14:15 Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, yeah. 00:14:15 Speaker 3: Countless horrible jobs. 00:14:16 Speaker 4: Okay, like what do you do? 00:14:18 Speaker 3: And they're not even exciting food, you know, service. Catering, yeah, yeah, yeah. But in L.A., I had an application to Yogurtland, and I had just recently been denied a job at See's Candy because they didn't think I could lift over 50 pounds when I got my first job here as a PA. So I never, within L.A., I never had like a, just a normal outside-the-industry job, which is interesting. What's the worst job you've done? 00:14:41 Speaker 4: Out here, I think catering was pretty brutal. I babysat a girl, and I lied and said I could babysit, and I had no idea what I was doing. I was like, this is a nightmare. No, but catering is bad. The guy was, like, coked up. 00:14:54 Speaker 3: Right. 00:14:55 Speaker 4: It was all, like, celebrities. And they were, like, brutal. They'd treat you like ass. Of course. 00:14:59 Speaker 2: Right. Yeah. 00:15:01 Speaker 4: That's a tough one. Yeah. 00:15:03 Speaker 3: There have been, like, two jobs that I've worked less than 72 hours at. One was I worked at the Postal Service when I lived in Utah at their data entry center with, like, a bunch of– weirdly, a bunch of polygamist women worked there. Oh. And then other normal people. Well, yeah, normal. We'll say normal. 00:15:18 Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't be calling them normal. I don't know what to tell you here. That's crazy. 00:15:23 Speaker 3: You're just putting in zip codes, but they wouldn't let you use the normal keypad. You had to relearn how to use a keyboard to put in numbers, and it was ice cold in there. After two days, I was like, this feels like it was designed to, like, break people. 00:15:36 Speaker 4: Oh. 00:15:37 Speaker 3: So I left that job. 00:15:38 Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, yeah. 00:15:38 Speaker 3: But that's probably, like, the most miserable job. I've never had, like, a shameful job. 00:15:42 Speaker 4: Well, I used to clean the Airbnbs. 00:15:44 Speaker 3: Oh, was that, find anything weird? 00:15:46 Speaker 4: Well, kind of, but speaking of, because we discussed before the pod that we met, we may have met at Good Heroin, which was a show, it's still going on behind a coffee shop in Echo Park, but I did, they had this big, like, three-year anniversary show, and I, like, it was, like, they went to the region downtown LA, and it was, like, everyone from, like, Comedy Central came, and I had the set of the night. 00:16:09 Speaker 2: Sorry, everybody. 00:16:10 Speaker 4: I know I did. Everyone told me I did. I killed, and then that next morning I had to go clean Airbnb And whoever it was, was like, like project out all over the whole place. So I had to like lift in the toilet seat and take a toothpick. And I remember just picking, you know, little screws in the back. I had to pick the barf out. And I was like, what have I done with my life? I moved from Canada for this. I was so upset. 00:16:31 Speaker 3: Oh, that's a tough one. 00:16:32 Speaker 4: It was a tough one to swallow. 00:16:33 Speaker 3: Yeah, that's the one where you're like, if you can push through that, then you've really made it to the other side. Yeah. 00:16:38 Speaker 4: It's just condoms and fake eyelashes. That's the worst that you find. 00:16:42 Speaker 3: Oh, fake eyelashes. 00:16:43 Speaker 4: That's surprising. 00:16:44 Speaker 3: I guess people are ripping those off at the end of the night. 00:16:46 Speaker 4: I guess in the heat of passion, they're like, I've got you. Who cares what I look like now? I'm somebody else. And then they get ripped off. That's it. That's exactly it. It's exactly right. 00:17:01 Speaker 3: Don't advertise the network. 00:17:02 Speaker 4: What am I drinking? I have no idea what's under here. 00:17:07 Speaker 3: Well, speaking of shameful behavior, Steph, I was looking forward to having you on the podcast. I thought Steph will come by. We'll have a nice time. Move on with our evening. 00:17:16 Speaker 2: Yes. 00:17:17 Speaker 3: The podcast is called I Said No Gifts. So I'll just say I was floored when you walked in holding... You know what I'm realizing? What? 00:17:25 Speaker 4: This gift really ties in with. 00:17:29 Speaker 3: Oh, you're kidding. This happens on occasion. 00:17:32 Speaker 4: Oh, my God. 00:17:33 Speaker 3: This is where I start to think simulation. 00:17:35 Speaker 4: Look, we've never met officially, and I'm Canadian, and we're nice people. So that's why you get a gift. Right. There's nothing to do with the theme of the podcast and the fact that I was held at gunpoint and told to bring one. But, yes, there is a gift here for you if you'd like. If you're not watching, you have to watch the YouTube just for this gift alone. 00:17:54 Speaker 3: I'm so curious. Okay, I'm pulling it. 00:18:04 Speaker 4: Halloween's around the corner. And what better gift can we give? No, I do need this back. This wasn't my wrap. This actually was my dish towel. I do need that back. Please. 00:18:16 Speaker 3: It's a skeleton sitting on the toilet. 00:18:21 Speaker 4: Yes, it is. 00:18:22 Speaker 3: Wait, wait, wait. 00:18:23 Speaker 4: There is a button. 00:18:24 Speaker 3: Oh, my God. Well, we have to get this next. 00:18:25 Speaker 4: You've got to get this out on this. Trust me. 00:18:30 Speaker 3: It's alive. 00:18:34 Speaker 4: And he has several catchphrases. 00:18:36 Speaker 3: What did he just say? 00:18:40 Speaker 4: I don't know what that one was. I haven't heard that one yet. I've been playing with it. 00:18:44 Speaker 3: Let's try it again. 00:18:44 Speaker 4: Lightning. 00:18:51 Speaker 3: I'm sorry, what does it even say? I think he said lightning. Lightning. 00:18:55 Speaker 4: And then he farted and he said thunder. Oh, okay. 00:18:57 Speaker 3: That's a good joke. 00:18:58 Speaker 4: These are funny. 00:18:59 Speaker 3: This is. 00:19:06 Speaker 3: See, that doesn't work with the fiction of the skeleton. 00:19:08 Speaker 4: No, it doesn't. Okay, that's what you're taking from this? 00:19:11 Speaker 3: That's a plot hole here. Okay. 00:19:13 Speaker 4: Okay. I was like, I got to get a gift. And I went through CVS, and I saw this, and then a little girl walked up to me, she goes, what's that? I go, press the button, and her parents weren't around, and then she pressed it. I was like, I probably shouldn't have let this stranger do this. But I was laughing. I look, again, clearly I like potty humor. 00:19:30 Speaker 3: Oh, this is great. 00:19:31 Speaker 4: It's the perfect time of year. We're coming up to fall. But I don't know where anyone would keep this in a house. In the bathroom? I'm confused. 00:19:39 Speaker 3: Yeah, that's a good question, because people's bathroom counters are already so cluttered. That little girl, by the way, is just now core memory. She's going to think about you for the rest of her life. life. 00:19:50 Speaker 4: I hope she doesn't, because that was terrifying. Because I was alone laughing at this in the aisle. And then there was a very long line at the CVS, besides the Whole Food and Silver. Very long line. I don't know why. 00:20:01 Speaker 3: It's CVS. 00:20:02 Speaker 4: And everyone has normal things, and then I'm holding this. And one woman goes, oh, Halloween. And I go... Yeah, skeleton on the party. I don't know how to talk to people in public, I guess. 00:20:13 Speaker 3: The official name, by the way, is animated spooky toilet skeleton. 00:20:18 Speaker 4: I guess I missed that. Animated spooky toilet. 00:20:22 Speaker 3: Look, I love Halloween. 00:20:23 Speaker 4: Are you a Halloween guy? 00:20:24 Speaker 3: I love Halloween. Well, actually, this is what I'll say. I love the concept of Halloween. I love everything that goes into it. But about every other year, I just have no interest in participating in any way. 00:20:33 Speaker 4: Yeah, I can see that. 00:20:34 Speaker 3: And I don't know how it comes and goes. 00:20:36 Speaker 4: I feel like it's just if you're too busy, the idea of getting the costume together and doing it all, it's too much. 00:20:43 Speaker 3: But I love the mood. 00:20:45 Speaker 4: I just love seeing, especially when people get ugly, like when hot people dress ugly. And just people looking silly. I love a house party. A Halloween house party is my favorite. 00:20:56 Speaker 2: Right. 00:20:56 Speaker 3: You rarely get to see people looking different than their normal selves. 00:20:59 Speaker 4: Yeah, especially out here. 00:21:00 Speaker 3: Oh, yeah. 00:21:01 Speaker 4: I have this one friend who's very pretty, Julia, and she loves dressing up like a man. And she goes hard, and she looks so ugly. And it really gets me going. It really makes me laugh. 00:21:11 Speaker 3: Do you dress up every year? 00:21:13 Speaker 4: Oh, yeah. 00:21:13 Speaker 3: What were you last year? 00:21:14 Speaker 2: Oh, yeah. 00:21:15 Speaker 4: I think it was Hall & Oates with my fiance. Oh, that's great. 00:21:18 Speaker 3: Were you Hall or Oates? 00:21:19 Speaker 4: The mustache one. 00:21:20 Speaker 3: Okay. 00:21:21 Speaker 4: I don't know. I don't know who they are, but he has the same hair as the other guy and I have the same hair as the other guy. We look exactly like them. 00:21:27 Speaker 3: And they're now, I think, suing each other or something. 00:21:29 Speaker 4: Yeah, I know it's bad. 00:21:30 Speaker 3: That's a shame. After all those years. 00:21:31 Speaker 4: After all those years. They were so good. Just relax. Who cares? It's the same amount of money. Your lives are over. Yeah, you're done now. No one's buying Hall & Oates. My best costume ever, I think, I dressed up like Tobias from Arrested Development. 00:21:45 Speaker 3: Oh, blue? No, wheelchair. 00:21:48 Speaker 4: I rented a wheelchair. Oh, wow. The hair for the plugs. And I'll tell you what, you know Gabby Windy? 00:21:54 Speaker 3: Oh, yeah, of course. 00:21:54 Speaker 4: I went to her party because I'm good friends with Robbie Hoffman, her wife. And when I tell you, all of her friends are like hot reality star lesbians. And when I rolled in, in this wheelchair, I made my friend roll me in, the looks on there, no one knew who I was. No, I just thought I was a man in a wheelchair. 00:22:11 Speaker 2: Yeah. 00:22:11 Speaker 4: No one knew. They thought I was a sick man in a wheelchair. And then my friend Jessica Michelle came in. She came in as Tobias, a never nude. So she had tape on her tits and jean shorts and a bald cap and a mustache. No one talked to us. 00:22:25 Speaker 3: Just an absolute mood killer. 00:22:27 Speaker 4: We were in the backyard alone the entire party. No one thought we were funny. They were just like, oh, what is this? We looked crazy. In my opinion, the funniest. 00:22:37 Speaker 2: Ever, though. 00:22:37 Speaker 3: I love that. This is a frequent feeling for me on Halloween where I'm like, I end up explaining my costume or people or just the feeling of walking in people not knowing. 00:22:45 Speaker 4: Yes, yes. That's what it was last year. I went as Bubalina. So Bubalina, do you have you heard of this? I actually might have to show you. No, this is, okay, so this is my biggest, speaking viral, my biggest viral clip. I did Stavros' podcast, and he goes, you look like this Greek, this Greek, it'll be worth it. 00:23:05 Speaker 3: No, I'm on board with finding out what her boobalina is. 00:23:09 Speaker 4: A Greek admiral. He goes, you look exactly like her. I go, who the fuck are you talking about? It's my fucking twin. Have I ever looked more like a woman? 00:23:19 Speaker 3: That's amazing. 00:23:20 Speaker 4: Are you insane? Wow. It's literally, it's literally me. So I was like, I, so I dressed up exactly like her last year. And I'll tell you what, only like three people knew. Do you have pictures of it? I do. Yes, okay. That's a deep dive, but I'm like, it was, I can send and you can post, but like, it was, it was, only three people knew who I was because of like the clip, this. 00:23:38 Speaker 3: Other clip, whatever, or like, but it was, It was insane. And also, it kind of just looks like a Halloween costume. So people, if they don't want to know, they just assume that's something I'm not aware of. 00:23:47 Speaker 4: Exactly. 00:23:47 Speaker 3: Or she's a peasant woman or something. 00:23:49 Speaker 2: Yes. 00:23:49 Speaker 4: I put the photo up and they're like, oh, my God, it's you. 00:23:51 Speaker 2: And it was. 00:23:53 Speaker 4: It was a lot of explaining. So this year, I usually have an idea by now of what I want to be. Maybe I'll do skeleton on the toilet. 00:23:59 Speaker 3: Animated spooky toilet skeleton. 00:24:01 Speaker 2: Sorry. 00:24:02 Speaker 3: When explaining. 00:24:03 Speaker 4: To say it like that, people won't know who I am. Oh, gosh. Yeah, I got to do animated spooky. Is this one of your funniest gifts? 00:24:11 Speaker 3: This is a great gift. This is an absolutely fantastic gift. Okay, okay. 00:24:14 Speaker 4: Because I was like, I can't get, it's got to be an actual gift. 00:24:18 Speaker 3: Some people bring things that don't feel like a gift. 00:24:20 Speaker 2: I know. 00:24:20 Speaker 3: And it's just like, well, what are we doing here? 00:24:22 Speaker 4: I know. Because my one friend was like, you bring a banana. I go, that's not a gift. 00:24:25 Speaker 3: Then we're just talking about a banana for a few seconds. 00:24:26 Speaker 4: No, I had to go buy something fun. 00:24:29 Speaker 3: And I love Halloween. I love talking about. 00:24:31 Speaker 4: I love time on Halloween. 00:24:32 Speaker 3: So it's a nice segue into that. 00:24:35 Speaker 4: Do you have costume ideas this year? 00:24:37 Speaker 1: No. 00:24:38 Speaker 3: My costume ideas usually come about 48 hours before the. 00:24:41 Speaker 4: Okay, okay, okay. 00:24:43 Speaker 3: And then I think this is part of the problem because then that puts me in a bad mood for quite a while. Then it pays off. But those two days before are so stressful. 00:24:53 Speaker 4: It pays off. Okay, what was your last memorable Halloween costume? Um. 00:24:58 Speaker 3: The last one, and this one required so much explaining, but it was Jessica Chastain just trying to run a few errands. But I knew I wanted to be Jessica Chastain, but that's not enough. 00:25:14 Speaker 4: No, no, no. We are funny people. We can't just have one. It's got to be something. 00:25:17 Speaker 3: It's got to have several layers to confuse people and mystify. I just look in the closet. I see things and I put them together. So I ended up being like a woman on a terrible vacation. That was a nice one. 00:25:27 Speaker 4: Oh, that's fun. 00:25:28 Speaker 3: Anne of Green Gables. I often look to other red-headed women. 00:25:32 Speaker 4: Yes. I look for men and big noses. Maybe I can do Adrian Brody this year. 00:25:36 Speaker 3: Oh, you could be the brutalist. See, that's good. And then you could be extremely boring all night. 00:25:42 Speaker 4: Yes, and just talk to nobody and have long, drawn-on conversations. That sounds actually great. I love a theme. Yes. But now that I have a fiancé, I like dressing up with him, so it's like that's fun. 00:25:53 Speaker 3: Right, right. 00:25:53 Speaker 4: I never get to do duo costumes. 00:25:55 Speaker 3: Did you dress up as a kid? 00:25:56 Speaker 4: Yes. 00:25:57 Speaker 2: Yes. 00:25:57 Speaker 3: Were there any memorable costumes then? 00:25:59 Speaker 4: My mom dressed me up as Phantom of the Opera, and I had no idea who it was, but the teachers loved it, and I was like, I hate this. And my nose didn't fit into the mask, because I had a big nose as a kid, and those masks are not built for people like this. 00:26:11 Speaker 3: They're not built for every face. 00:26:12 Speaker 4: No, they're not. It's like a regular small face, and I was all askew the whole time. 00:26:16 Speaker 3: Oh, my God. I've never thought. They're built for the smallest nose. 00:26:19 Speaker 4: Very small nose. 00:26:20 Speaker 3: Like a post-op nose. 00:26:22 Speaker 4: Post-op nose. 00:26:23 Speaker 3: Exactly. 00:26:24 Speaker 4: This is pre-op for sure. I didn't know. I didn't have, I can't think of any like crazy ones. It was always like more like I was a cheerleader. Right. Nothing like a spider one year. Like, you know, I used to Highland dance. 00:26:37 Speaker 3: Oh my God. 00:26:38 Speaker 4: So my parents were like, wear the kilt. Now you're a Scottish guy. I'm like, but I wear the kilt all the time. 00:26:44 Speaker 3: This is part of my life. 00:26:44 Speaker 2: Literally. 00:26:45 Speaker 4: So I would just wear the Irish jig was one and then the sailors hornpipe was another dance. So I just wore those costumes. 00:26:50 Speaker 3: Can you still dance like that? 00:26:51 Speaker 4: I can. 00:26:51 Speaker 2: Yeah. Wow. 00:26:52 Speaker 3: Is that like a party trick for you? 00:26:54 Speaker 4: If I'm really drunk, yeah. 00:26:55 Speaker 3: Right, that makes perfect sense. 00:26:57 Speaker 4: Or if I'm with somebody like my sister or my mom who can dance too, it's more as a group. 00:27:03 Speaker 3: Right. 00:27:03 Speaker 4: Just me alone dancing as a 41-year-old woman jumping up and down. I was like, what's she doing over there? It just looks strange. 00:27:09 Speaker 3: How long did you do it for? 00:27:11 Speaker 4: From three to 18. That's incredible. My whole life, yeah, a very long time. 00:27:14 Speaker 3: And is that something people, I guess people make a career out of that? 00:27:17 Speaker 2: No. No. 00:27:18 Speaker 4: No, you become a teacher or like a judge. Actually, my mom made a career out of it. My mom is a dance teacher and examiner and She still works. She travels every weekend, yeah. 00:27:26 Speaker 3: But at 18, you were like, enough is enough. 00:27:27 Speaker 4: I wasn't good. 00:27:28 Speaker 2: Oh. 00:27:29 Speaker 4: So when I'm not good at something, I don't do it. Right. It makes no sense. Giant feet, giant nose, throwing me off balance. No, it didn't make any sense. I didn't love it. 00:27:39 Speaker 2: But. 00:27:40 Speaker 4: Now I'm like, okay, Brutalist, that's a good costume. 00:27:43 Speaker 3: That's not a bad one. That's like if there are two Halloween parties, like one the next day or something, that's a good backup costume or something. 00:27:50 Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, yeah. See, it's not like we need the cuspid one. 00:27:53 Speaker 3: What day of the week is Halloween this year? This is also something that really affects the. 00:27:56 Speaker 4: Way I celebrate it. Yes, yes. Because if I have a show, too, I don't dress up on stage. Not funny. 00:28:02 Speaker 2: No. 00:28:02 Speaker 4: It's on a Saturday this year. See, I have a show. It's not going to happen. Right. 00:28:06 Speaker 3: It's not going to happen. There's one day. Which day is it that, like— It takes place that people kind of don't celebrate it. Then they do it the following day. 00:28:14 Speaker 4: Or the following weekend. What is that? There's some weird thing. No, we're done. It's over. You have 24 hours for Halloween. We can't. The following Friday? No, no, no. We're into November. 00:28:23 Speaker 3: Or miles past that point. 00:28:25 Speaker 4: This is already put away. This has been smashed. This has been, the skeleton's long gone. 00:28:30 Speaker 3: It's against nature. I really don't like that feeling. 00:28:33 Speaker 4: No, no, no. 00:28:33 Speaker 3: It's not for me. 00:28:35 Speaker 4: No. 00:28:35 Speaker 3: Are you into going to haunted houses? 00:28:37 Speaker 4: No, I don't love that. I went to the, what's the one with the Halloween, the Disney one? The line is too long. 00:28:45 Speaker 3: The lines, that's like a scary universal night or whatever, Halloween horror night. 00:28:51 Speaker 4: Yes, and then you're seeing the guy pop out and you know he's there. They do good at like moving them around though, but I'm like, it's hard to get scared when there's somebody with flip flops in front of you. Like I'm like, okay, this guy's going to trip and I'm worried when I'm tripping on some cord. I'm like annoyed by it. Like I get too distracted with the annoyance. 00:29:08 Speaker 3: Yeah, and you go late at night and then you have to wait in line. It's just like made to exhaust me. 00:29:12 Speaker 4: It really, unless you're paying for like the extra. I'm like, you'll try drinking. And then you got to pee and the bathroom line's long. It's a whole thing. 00:29:19 Speaker 3: Someone was just telling me, I think there's now a $ 500 ticket to go to that. That's like the ultimate experience. I'm like, I'm sorry, but if you're paying $ 500 for a Halloween ticket, your credit card should be taken away. 00:29:32 Speaker 4: Yes, yes. 00:29:33 Speaker 3: The government should intervene. 00:29:34 Speaker 4: I think so. One night? Or that's not like the whole pass? 00:29:38 Speaker 3: I didn't look into it. 00:29:39 Speaker 4: Okay. 00:29:40 Speaker 3: I'm making a lot of assumptions. 00:29:42 Speaker 4: And I'm like agreeing. Yes, yes. But that seems like a little much for one night of just getting. 00:29:48 Speaker 3: Yeah. 00:29:49 Speaker 4: 500 bucks to be spooked? 00:29:50 Speaker 3: No, not for me. I'll tell you one thing that will scare me every single time is a chainsaw. It's absolutely not fun for me. 00:29:57 Speaker 4: No. 00:29:57 Speaker 3: It's just torture. 00:29:58 Speaker 4: They come too close. 00:29:59 Speaker 3: They come way too close. And I simply don't trust anyone working on one of these things. No, no, no. 00:30:04 Speaker 4: You should. No, no, no. You should not. 00:30:06 Speaker 3: Of course not. 00:30:06 Speaker 4: No, no, no. It's a lot of open mic comedians. It's a lot of gross men. I always picture it as a man. There's a man in there mucking. He's groping. He's touching. I don't want to be part of it. 00:30:18 Speaker 3: No, thank you. 00:30:20 Speaker 4: I have no interest in being spooked and then almost touched and then... It's too much for me. I don't like being spooked. It's fun. Halloween, the fun part. The drinking and the costumes. 00:30:30 Speaker 3: Do you like a spooky movie? 00:30:32 Speaker 4: Not really. I get too scared. 00:30:35 Speaker 3: What's the scariest you'll go? 00:30:37 Speaker 4: Scariest I'll go? God damn. I'm scared of the Chucky movies. 00:30:41 Speaker 3: Oh, I've never watched one. 00:30:42 Speaker 4: I haven't either because I don't like that. Right. And I just watched a Mike Myers one. What's the one? 00:30:48 Speaker 2: Halloween. 00:30:49 Speaker 4: Halloween. I don't like that. 00:30:50 Speaker 3: Halloween's scary. 00:30:51 Speaker 4: It's scary. 00:30:51 Speaker 3: Yeah, that's actually pretty frightening. 00:30:53 Speaker 4: Oh, what the heck? He's always mucking around, keeps coming back, just showing up. Women are already scared of men stalking us. 00:31:00 Speaker 3: Right. 00:31:00 Speaker 4: And appearing in our house. And then I had to watch this? I don't like it. 00:31:04 Speaker 3: You live that every day. 00:31:05 Speaker 4: I live that every single day. I don't need to be spooked at home. 00:31:09 Speaker 3: It is satisfying. What happens? It gets his eye poked out by a hanger. Is that true? 00:31:14 Speaker 4: I don't know. I don't think. To be honest, I didn't watch. And I end up covering my face after the movie. I'm like, that's a waste of money. Now I've missed after the movie. Now I'm annoyed. 00:31:23 Speaker 3: It's interesting that you're so, I guess Halloween is just like also just a party. 00:31:27 Speaker 4: Yeah, I'm more party and more fun and candy. And I loved trick-or-treating as a kid. 00:31:32 Speaker 3: And do you decorate your place for Halloween? 00:31:35 Speaker 4: It's like a fall decoration. Not crazy, though. Just a couple little... Not that. My whole house is this. You go by my house, I have that in my front lawn, but huge. A 40-foot... I paid a lot of money for it. This really is a 40-foot... And I had to keep it there all year round. I was like, I actually can't move it. 00:31:53 Speaker 3: It's immovable. 00:31:54 Speaker 4: It was not a blow-up. It was actually... It was made of marble. This is bolted into the cement. 00:32:02 Speaker 3: I had to get a permit to put this up. 00:32:04 Speaker 4: I did. The L.A. County approved it. So they were like, yeah, okay, this is kind of fun. 00:32:10 Speaker 3: It does feel like something, because the 12-foot skeleton has become such a thing, it's like, how do they top that? I don't know if there's another move. 00:32:16 Speaker 4: You can't get any bigger, really, at this point. It feels dangerous. 00:32:19 Speaker 3: Yeah, so I don't know where you go from here. 00:32:22 Speaker 4: No, no, no. 00:32:23 Speaker 3: Some people go too far, I would say. 00:32:25 Speaker 4: Yeah, I'm not. I just moved, so I'm actually in a house now that I can hand out candy, because before I was in an apartment complex in East Hollywood, and I was like, we're not doing it there. It's very dangerous. It's very dangerous. But now I'm like, oh, it's a nice neighborhood. And so we're like, so I can like hand out. I want to hand out. I like handing out. That's very nice. Because I'm rude. If you show up, if you're like a 15-year-old with just like a top hat on, I go, I don't think so, pal. It's not enough for me. You got to dedicate, okay? You got to put a whole costume on. You got to be younger. You can't be, I pushed it. I think I was 18 the last time I went. 18? What? I was 18. I definitely was 18. And I went on a date. This guy was dating at the time, dressed like Ronald McDonald's. And he came with me, and he was older, so he should not. He was like 24. He should not. He should not have. He tried to fool around with me. I was like, buddy, you're dressed as Ronald McDonald. 00:33:14 Speaker 3: What about this is supposed to be attractive? You're taking the trick or treating. 00:33:18 Speaker 4: As Ronald McDonald? Like, none of this is good. 00:33:23 Speaker 3: But that's probably happened to somebody dressed as Ronald McDonald. It's probably worked for somebody. 00:33:27 Speaker 4: Oh, I don't know. It was not an attractive costume. I really don't think it was. 00:33:33 Speaker 3: If you can drive, you should not be trick-or-treating. 00:33:36 Speaker 4: No, you're right. You're right. This is advice I should listen to. I think my parents were like, you're not. I go, I am. I may have done a couple blocks, but I was in full costume. 00:33:44 Speaker 3: Were you dressed as? 00:33:46 Speaker 4: I was like this punk bunny thing. It was actually very bizarre. It wasn't actually that good. I probably shouldn't have gotten any candy. I was a pig. I liked the sport of getting it all and just like sifting it. 00:33:57 Speaker 3: It is still fun as an adult to get free things. 00:34:00 Speaker 4: And there you go. 00:34:01 Speaker 3: I mean, I've just revealed the entire thing. The reason I do this podcast. 00:34:05 Speaker 4: Yeah. You just like free shit. That's all it is. 00:34:08 Speaker 1: Wow. 00:34:08 Speaker 4: You hear that here? He said no gifts. Well, now we know why. 00:34:13 Speaker 3: Six years. I finally give it away. 00:34:17 Speaker 4: And it's over that gift out of all the gifts. Was it all worth it? Was it all worth it for that? 00:34:24 Speaker 3: No, I absolutely love this thing. I think this is just going to be in the studio from now on. 00:34:29 Speaker 4: It might have to. You can't bring that. 00:34:31 Speaker 3: We'll find a place for it. And we'll probably, yeah, we'll just take it out of this little box. 00:34:34 Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, yeah. 00:34:35 Speaker 3: Let's see if there are any other, I wonder who, like, do they have a writer's room for this? 00:34:39 Speaker 4: Oh, bursting at the seams. Sorry, I find it funny. 00:34:49 Speaker 3: I hate this so much. 00:34:51 Speaker 4: I actually find that funnier than most comedians. That gets me. We got to find out who the voice is. Bursting at the seams. I could have. What the hell? 00:35:03 Speaker 3: How did you not book this show? 00:35:04 Speaker 4: How did I not book this animated spooky toilet skeleton voiceover? Ah, that's going to leave a mark. Oh, God. Oh, I really love it. I might buy one for myself. 00:35:19 Speaker 3: I think you should. 00:35:20 Speaker 4: I think I might. 00:35:21 Speaker 3: Also, I'll go back to you saying that everyone in line at CVS had normal things. I actually think this is the most normal thing you can buy at CVS. When people are buying groceries at CVS, I just— No, no, no. Groceries. There are other stores. 00:35:32 Speaker 4: Other stores. I think it's good for a fun gift. Their gift dial is ridiculous. 00:35:36 Speaker 2: Right. 00:35:36 Speaker 4: I almost got you. It was this or I was holding this giant FIFA gold chain medal. But I was like, wasn't this funny to me? 00:35:44 Speaker 3: Who is that for? 00:35:45 Speaker 4: I don't know. And it was also like 20 bucks. I'm like, for this? No. If I'm putting 20 bucks down, it's going to where it's at the end. It's spooky. 00:35:52 Speaker 3: Yeah, that's what they should really lean into. I'm not going there to buy a box of crackers or anything. Maybe they're just depending on really weak, sick people that are just like, I can't go anywhere else. I'm going to buy this. 00:36:01 Speaker 4: To me, it's like makeup sick or like cleaning supplies like last minute if I'm like not going to somewhere else or something. Yeah. 00:36:09 Speaker 3: I'm just so baffled every time I go in there and I see people just buying regular things. It's just irresponsible. 00:36:15 Speaker 4: No, it is. 00:36:16 Speaker 3: Probably the same people buying $ 500 tickets to Scary Night. Yeah. 00:36:19 Speaker 4: To scary night. You know what? If there was something called scary night, I might pay 500 bucks to see just what that was about. Come by scary night to some guy. See, that could be just a man's garage. 00:36:31 Speaker 3: Or someone's house. 00:36:32 Speaker 4: That's someone's house and that is scary. Just going to a man's house alone. That's every night. And that was every date I ever went on in Los Angeles. It was called scary night. It's a new app. 00:36:44 Speaker 3: Find someone to have a scary night with. 00:36:46 Speaker 4: Yeah. 00:36:51 Speaker 3: Well, I think we should play a game. 00:36:52 Speaker 1: Okay. 00:36:53 Speaker 4: Love games. 00:36:54 Speaker 3: I need a number between one and ten from you. 00:36:57 Speaker 4: Seven. Okay. 00:36:57 Speaker 3: I have to do some light calculating to get our game pieces. So right now you can promote, recommend, do whatever you want. 00:37:03 Speaker 4: Okay. I have a podcast that you should come on. I would love to. Now that we're best friends. 00:37:07 Speaker 3: Now that we're dear friends. 00:37:09 Speaker 4: It's called Steph Infection. It's all about body stuff. Come see my dates. Come see me live. I'm funny live. Steph Tolev on Instagram. Oh, I'm on season three of Tires. On Netflix. It just came out today. 00:37:22 Speaker 3: Oh, today? 00:37:23 Speaker 4: Yeah, literally today. 00:37:24 Speaker 3: Oh, that's fantastic. Yeah. 00:37:25 Speaker 2: Yeah. 00:37:25 Speaker 3: Everybody finds Steph everywhere. 00:37:27 Speaker 4: I'm around. And find my kale video. It's hilarious. 00:37:31 Speaker 3: Support her kale video, for God's sake. 00:37:33 Speaker 4: God's sakes, watch my kale video. 00:37:35 Speaker 3: A lot of work in that one. 00:37:36 Speaker 4: It actually was the longest I ever spent making this guy. It should be so long. 00:37:40 Speaker 3: That's a real bad feeling. 00:37:41 Speaker 4: Yeah, that's the worst. 00:37:42 Speaker 3: When the feedback doesn't match the work. Then you just wonder why. Never try again. 00:37:49 Speaker 4: Why it took three hours to make that video. 00:37:50 Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah. 00:37:51 Speaker 3: The moment anything becomes long or frustrating for me, I say I'm not doing it because there's just no chance. 00:37:56 Speaker 4: Exactly. 00:37:57 Speaker 3: Okay, we're going to play two games. First, we're going to play a game called Invite List, and I'm going to start naming a list of celebrities. You say invited or not invited, and once we get to 10, that's the party. 00:38:11 Speaker 2: Okay. 00:38:11 Speaker 3: And you can say why or why not. You don't have to. 00:38:13 Speaker 4: It's just up to you. 00:38:14 Speaker 2: Sure. 00:38:15 Speaker 3: Okay, so let's get going. Al Roker. 00:38:19 Speaker 4: Yes, invited. 00:38:20 Speaker 3: Liza Minnelli. 00:38:21 Speaker 4: Yes. 00:38:22 Speaker 3: Shailene Woodley. 00:38:24 Speaker 4: Don't know who it is, so no. 00:38:25 Speaker 3: Chris Hemsworth. 00:38:27 Speaker 4: Nah, he's overrated now. 00:38:29 Speaker 3: Kirsten Dunst. 00:38:30 Speaker 4: Yes. 00:38:32 Speaker 3: Machine Gun Kelly. 00:38:33 Speaker 4: No! The heck would he be doing there? In the God's name, would he? 00:38:38 Speaker 3: Someone's inviting him to a party. 00:38:40 Speaker 4: Well, I don't want him in my house. 00:38:44 Speaker 3: Addison Rae. 00:38:46 Speaker 4: Don't know who that is, so no. 00:38:47 Speaker 3: Dr. 00:38:47 Speaker 4: Oz. 00:38:47 Speaker 3: Yes. 00:38:49 Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, just to get weird answers out of them. 00:38:54 Speaker 3: Katherine Hahn. 00:38:56 Speaker 4: Yes. 00:38:57 Speaker 3: Nora Jones. 00:38:59 Speaker 4: Don't know who that is, so no. 00:39:00 Speaker 3: Shonda Rhimes. 00:39:02 Speaker 4: No. 00:39:03 Speaker 3: Gloria Estefan. 00:39:05 Speaker 2: Yes. 00:39:06 Speaker 4: Someone said I look like her once. 00:39:07 Speaker 3: Interesting. 00:39:08 Speaker 4: I don't. I don't think I do at all. 00:39:09 Speaker 3: I'm trying to picture what she looks like. 00:39:11 Speaker 4: Not me. Don't look over here if you're looking for any eyes, nose, or mouth equivalencies. It's not over here. It's very off. 00:39:20 Speaker 3: Again, why people tell. I mean, Gloria, I think, is a beautiful woman. But like anytime somebody tells another person who they look like, it's a huge mistake. 00:39:29 Speaker 4: It's never. close. 00:39:30 Speaker 3: I just have to, like, I have to repeat that over and over because people really struggle with that. Hey, do you know who you look like? I'm like, stop. 00:39:37 Speaker 4: Yes, you're like, you don't. Yes. 00:39:39 Speaker 3: Mitch McConnell. No! Get him out of the hospital! 00:39:43 Speaker 4: Get him out of here! Get him into a party! Him and Machine Gun Kelly can go to their own, they can go to Scary Night and have a fucking blast. They can go off. 00:39:51 Speaker 3: Those two arm and arm being chased by a chainsaw. 00:39:53 Speaker 4: They're chasing each other with a chainsaw. This is terrifying. 00:39:57 Speaker 3: Liam Neeson. 00:39:58 Speaker 4: Yes. 00:39:59 Speaker 3: Mitski. 00:40:01 Speaker 4: Don't know who that is. 00:40:02 Speaker 3: Mick Jagger. 00:40:02 Speaker 4: Huh. Yeah. 00:40:06 Speaker 3: I feel like if you get the chance. 00:40:08 Speaker 2: Yeah. 00:40:08 Speaker 4: Why not? He's going to be. 00:40:10 Speaker 3: Yeah. Limited time. 00:40:12 Speaker 2: Yeah. 00:40:12 Speaker 4: Yeah. 00:40:12 Speaker 3: Yeah. 00:40:13 Speaker 4: We need him in there. 00:40:13 Speaker 1: We need him in there. 00:40:14 Speaker 3: Danny Trejo. 00:40:16 Speaker 4: Yes, that's nine. Okay. 00:40:18 Speaker 3: So you've got one left. 00:40:19 Speaker 4: Okay, so I've got to make it good. 00:40:21 Speaker 3: Sigourney Weaver. 00:40:24 Speaker 4: Yes. 00:40:25 Speaker 3: Yeah, that's a really undeniable one, right? 00:40:28 Speaker 4: Who would be the next one? 00:40:30 Speaker 3: I'm trying to decide if I should tell you. 00:40:34 Speaker 4: What the heck? 00:40:34 Speaker 3: Michael Jordan. 00:40:36 Speaker 4: No, no, no. 00:40:37 Speaker 3: It was more just for the rules of the game. I'm always wondering. 00:40:41 Speaker 1: Sorry. 00:40:42 Speaker 4: Sorry, I'm a rule breaker. 00:40:44 Speaker 3: But I actually think I should tell you because what if it had been an exciting one? 00:40:46 Speaker 4: Yes, and then I would have been like, what the heck? 00:40:48 Speaker 3: You would have left him with regret. 00:40:49 Speaker 4: Exactly. And I don't want that. 00:40:51 Speaker 3: I want people to leave this podcast feeling as bad as possible. 00:40:53 Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, okay. 00:40:56 Speaker 3: Okay, and now we're going to play a game called Gift or a Curse. I'm going to name three things. You're going to tell me if they're a gift or a curse and why. 00:41:02 Speaker 2: Okay. 00:41:03 Speaker 3: And then I'll tell you if you're right or wrong because there are correct answers. 00:41:05 Speaker 4: Oh, okay. 00:41:06 Speaker 3: And you can lose the game. 00:41:07 Speaker 4: Oh, wow. Okay. 00:41:08 Speaker 3: And you can again go home feeling horrible. 00:41:10 Speaker 4: Okay, okay. 00:41:11 Speaker 3: All right. This first one is from a listener named Elliot. Gift or a curse ordering for the table? 00:41:17 Speaker 4: Curse. Why? You don't know what I want. The nerve of some people or the table unless it's– okay, wait. There's an unless for this one. Unless it's a restaurant they've been to a lot and they. 00:41:31 Speaker 3: You don't agree with me at all. 00:41:33 Speaker 4: Wow. Unless it's a place that, like, they've been there, they know the chef, they're like, trust me, I'm here all the time, blah, blah, blah. But I'm like, if somebody doesn't really know that well, maybe about my own dish, sometimes I see people sharing and they, like, lick the fork and they go back in. I can't be having that. So I think it's a curse. 00:41:49 Speaker 3: Correct. 00:41:49 Speaker 4: Oh, wow. 00:41:50 Speaker 3: Oh, no. I mean, just anytime this starts happening, I'm so uncomfortable. 00:41:56 Speaker 4: It doesn't happen to me often. 00:41:57 Speaker 3: I know, and thank God. Maybe I'm doing it. 00:41:59 Speaker 4: Oh, maybe I'm doing it. Maybe it's because I'm the one. 00:42:03 Speaker 3: Every meal you've ever been to, you've ordered for the table. You just don't realize. 00:42:06 Speaker 4: No, no. I'll order an app. You guys have some of this. I'm never like, Sean's getting the fucking gull or whatever the hell. 00:42:14 Speaker 3: The alpha attitude of I'm just going to take control of this. Because, yeah, I just want my own plate of food. 00:42:19 Speaker 4: Yeah. 00:42:20 Speaker 3: I want to make my little choice. 00:42:22 Speaker 4: Yeah, but it's a small group. It's like we're already knowingly doing that. No. 00:42:26 Speaker 3: No, no, no, no. No one should do that. 00:42:28 Speaker 4: No. 00:42:28 Speaker 3: Okay, this next one is from a listener named Misty. Gift or a curse? When you start a new job and the person training you says a task is so easy it's impossible to mess up. 00:42:38 Speaker 4: That's a curse. That's so insane. Why would you jinx that? And then you're putting that on me? This is day one training? Is this how you're talking to me? 00:42:45 Speaker 3: No. 00:42:45 Speaker 4: I don't love that. I hate that. 00:42:48 Speaker 3: Correct. 00:42:49 Speaker 4: Yes. 00:42:49 Speaker 3: Oh, that's an absolute curse. They're setting you up for failure. 00:42:52 Speaker 4: Of course they are. 00:42:53 Speaker 3: To look like a complete loser. Or an idiot. 00:42:55 Speaker 4: Like, what if it's a crazy hard thing? You don't know what I find easy and what's not easy. No, that's insane. 00:42:59 Speaker 3: That's actually, I think, them trying to undercut you. Yes. Trying to make you feel less secure at the workplace. 00:43:04 Speaker 4: They're getting in your head. Day one. Right. Exactly. How dare. 00:43:07 Speaker 3: They are playing with your mind. Okay, this final one is from a listener named Sarah. Gift or a curse, the schedule send feature for emails. 00:43:17 Speaker 4: I mean, the way... I work, I would say it's a curse. Because it's like, why can't you just do it right then? You have a little to-do list. You know you're going to send something. You get it done then. Why are you scared? It has to go out a certain time? I'm confused. Maybe I'm wrong. I feel like I'm wrong on this one. 00:43:34 Speaker 3: You're correct. 00:43:35 Speaker 4: You win the game. I win the game. 00:43:36 Speaker 3: Emailing is stressful enough. The idea of setting up a whole thing. 00:43:40 Speaker 2: Yes. 00:43:40 Speaker 4: To me.... 00:43:42 Speaker 3: I'm now going to be worried even longer. 00:43:44 Speaker 4: Yes, yes. 00:43:45 Speaker 3: And I feel like you're just preparing yourself for some sort of horrible accident. 00:43:49 Speaker 4: It's also like why you have to schedule it. 00:43:51 Speaker 3: I don't understand why you would ever schedule it. 00:43:53 Speaker 4: You're already writing it out and then you go, I don't want to send it now. Well, send it now. You wrote it out. 00:43:58 Speaker 3: Or wait to write it. 00:43:59 Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 00:44:00 Speaker 2: See? 00:44:01 Speaker 3: No element of it makes any sense to me. Unless you're like sending out a 20% off coupon for your retailer that you work for. 00:44:08 Speaker 4: Yes. 00:44:09 Speaker 3: Otherwise. 00:44:10 Speaker 4: It doesn't make any sense. 00:44:12 Speaker 3: A personal email schedule, you'll never be getting one of those from me. 00:44:16 Speaker 4: No, no, no, no, no. 00:44:17 Speaker 3: That's a ticking time bomb. 00:44:18 Speaker 4: It really is. 00:44:19 Speaker 3: Well, you won the game. That's very impressive, actually. 00:44:21 Speaker 4: Wow, look at me. Good at games. See, bring me to your Halloween party. I'm a hoot. I'll be dressed like a man in a wheelchair and might leave some marks on your floor. But the problem, too, is the wheelchair. It cost me like $ 300 for one night. I was so pissed. I drive to North Hollywood, and I was so committed to the bit. I was like, I got it. 00:44:41 Speaker 3: It costs $ 300 to rent a wheelchair? 00:44:42 Speaker 4: Because I think I waited too long to get back. I kept it an extra day, and they charged me a double. 00:44:47 Speaker 2: Oh, okay. 00:44:48 Speaker 3: I mean, even $ 150? It seemed like a lot. It seems like something that you should be able to rent for, I would say, if you had me guess, $ 15 a day. 00:44:56 Speaker 4: Yeah, that's what I thought. It's like renting a car. I went to some Goodwills, too. I was looking for one. 00:45:00 Speaker 2: Right. 00:45:01 Speaker 3: That's probably a rare find at a Goodwill. 00:45:03 Speaker 4: Too late. I pulled a U, 48 hours. I was panicked. 00:45:07 Speaker 3: How much is just a ride? Standard wheelchair cost to buy. I don't know where I went. 00:45:11 Speaker 4: I went to this place, like Wheels and Deals up in North Hollywood. I don't know what that was named. I think I found a bad place. 00:45:18 Speaker 3: Yeah, you got ripped off in a huge way. 00:45:21 Speaker 4: Yeah, and then the payoff of the party wasn't worth it. It was a lot. And I couldn't drink because I had to drive with the wheelchair. I didn't want to lug it in an Uber, so I was sober. Stone sober bringing a wheelchair to Gabby Windy's party. ridiculous behavior I'm. 00:45:39 Speaker 3: Now picturing a wheelchair on Price is Right people trying that would be I think the weirdest thing that you could put as a thing to guess the price on Price is Right. 00:45:46 Speaker 4: Yeah that would be well because it's yeah depending. 00:45:48 Speaker 3: On it's like a standard hospital wheelchair. 00:45:50 Speaker 4: Yeah you would think $ 10 one would think one would think those old wheelchairs that are like rickety no no they're quite expensive and they're hard to find at Halloween so how many people are renting wheelchairs for Halloween costumes I'll tell you what I saw nobody else in one I saw nobody else in one, so I don't know if it's like a skateboarding accident time of year or something. People are hobbling around. 00:46:13 Speaker 3: Yeah, I think people are kind of probably falling down at scary night. 00:46:16 Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, that's what it is. 00:46:18 Speaker 3: Twisting their ankles. All of those injured haunted house employees, etc. 00:46:21 Speaker 4: Yes, yes, yes. 00:46:23 Speaker 3: All right, let's answer a listener question. People are writing in to isaidnogifts at gmail.com, and they're just kind of begging for answers. 00:46:30 Speaker 4: Begging? 00:46:31 Speaker 3: Yeah, every one of them. My listeners' lives are a disaster. And they just need some– any help. 00:46:38 Speaker 4: Okay. 00:46:38 Speaker 3: And they obviously have no one else to reach out to. 00:46:40 Speaker 4: And this is why they come to you. 00:46:42 Speaker 3: Exactly. 00:46:43 Speaker 4: Okay. 00:46:44 Speaker 3: So this says, Bridger and guest, what are your top tips to let the other party know you really appreciate their gift? I do like receiving gifts. However, my face and responses often say otherwise. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. And that's from Alice. So Alice is kind of a self-admittedly deeply ungrateful person. 00:47:05 Speaker 2: Yeah. 00:47:06 Speaker 4: Okay, if you're saying your face and your gestures are not good, I'd say start with changing those. 00:47:14 Speaker 3: Take an acting class. 00:47:16 Speaker 4: Take one improv class. 00:47:18 Speaker 3: Do 101. 00:47:19 Speaker 4: Or maybe she should tell him before he'll look. Maybe she doesn't like the gifs. This is a bizarre thing. 00:47:26 Speaker 3: Yes, practice a smile. Get a mirror and just kind of spend a few hours each day just working on facial expression. 00:47:32 Speaker 4: Yes, or like things to say. Google some like, wow, I love this. This seems like the easiest thing to do. 00:47:41 Speaker 3: I think Alice needs to look deeper emotionally, I think. There's some mental work that needs to be happening. 00:47:47 Speaker 4: I think Alice has a little more going on than just... Also, how many gifts are you getting that people are like, hey, your face is It's not her podcast. She's got the same podcast as you. 00:47:59 Speaker 3: She has this totally joyless podcast. 00:48:02 Speaker 4: And then people do bring her gifts to try to cheer her up and it's still not working. I don't understand. I feel like that's an easy fix. 00:48:09 Speaker 3: Yeah, I feel like I'm trying to think of any time I've like kind of betrayed how I felt while opening a gift from like somebody, you know, like a loved one gave me. I don't think that's ever really happened. 00:48:20 Speaker 4: You've never had a bad gift? 00:48:21 Speaker 3: I think I've had bad gifts, but I've been able to fake my way through it. But maybe I didn't. 00:48:24 Speaker 4: Yes, yes, yes. No, you did. I think you're really good. I've been faking my way through gifts for years. Hey, guess what? You're the pro here. I'm sure you're getting it. 00:48:35 Speaker 3: It takes a little work, but eventually you're able to trick anyone. 00:48:40 Speaker 4: Shoot, wow. 00:48:40 Speaker 3: And it gets you on a good path. 00:48:42 Speaker 4: I'm going to leave. I'm going to see this go in the dumpster before I close my door. I swear to God, I'd be so mad. You'd see them. 00:48:49 Speaker 3: Just tumbling out of my car on the freeway. 00:48:52 Speaker 4: It hits me on the fucking, on the five on the way home. I'd be so mad. 00:48:56 Speaker 3: Windshield shattered. 00:48:58 Speaker 4: The damn animated spooky toilet skeleton. 00:49:02 Speaker 3: Bursting at the seams. 00:49:05 Speaker 4: And then farts out as it hits my windshield. Oh, gosh. Oh, boy. 00:49:09 Speaker 3: Well, Alice, I think you just got to do the work. Yeah. You got to do the work. 00:49:13 Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or maybe like wear a mask every time you get a gift. 00:49:18 Speaker 3: I'm putting on my gift receiving mask. 00:49:19 Speaker 4: Yeah. Yeah. Before, if you know a gift's coming, I'm not feeling so well. That's a good way of covering it up. 00:49:26 Speaker 2: Yeah. 00:49:27 Speaker 3: If you like getting them so much, you got to do something or people are going to stop giving to you. Yes. 00:49:31 Speaker 2: Yeah. 00:49:31 Speaker 3: They're going to cut you out of life. And I don't know what to tell you from there. But I'm glad she wrote in because she obviously has no one to turn to. And we do like to help. So we answered it perfectly. I think this woman's going to walk away thinking, now my life, I'm starting a new chapter. I'm smiling at gifts. I'm laughing. I'm saying I love the gift. I'm trying to picture this person who just cannot receive a gift. 00:49:58 Speaker 4: But how is it just for the gifts? You're saying if someone pays you a compliment or you're eating a meal you really enjoy, at that point you're like, oh, this is delicious. But then you get a gift and you go, Thank you. I love it. I just don't understand how it's just specifically to the gifts. There's no way it's not. There's no way it's not. 00:50:18 Speaker 3: Imagine the gift is a warm meal. 00:50:20 Speaker 4: Yes, a warm harvest bowl from Sweetgreen. 00:50:24 Speaker 3: A sopping wet bowl from your favorite salad retailer. 00:50:30 Speaker 4: A soupy, soupy salad. And then the sound you make after you have the harvest bowl. That's going to need stitches. It actually is funny. 00:50:39 Speaker 3: That's going to need stitches. They need to. It's crazy. The next model, they're going to have to remove that particular one. 00:50:46 Speaker 4: I'm going to email these people and be like, get me to be the next Skeleton Man voice. I'm so pissed. 00:50:53 Speaker 3: From Joy Word. We don't even know what that is. 00:50:54 Speaker 4: I've never heard a Joy Word in my life. 00:50:57 Speaker 3: But God bless. 00:50:58 Speaker 4: God bless. 00:50:59 Speaker 3: Well, I have my beautiful animated spooky toilet skeleton. I'm so happy about it. 00:51:04 Speaker 4: I'm so happy you're happy. 00:51:05 Speaker 3: It's now a permanent part of the set. 00:51:07 Speaker 4: Uh-huh. 00:51:08 Speaker 3: And we'll do one more. 00:51:10 Speaker 2: Oh, never going to heal. 00:51:16 Speaker 3: Never going to heal. Again, several of these don't work with this fiction. 00:51:20 Speaker 4: It really does not. It really does not. I think I'm buying this for my whole family for Christmas. I'm going to CBS. 00:51:28 Speaker 3: On the way home. 00:51:28 Speaker 4: I'm obsessed with this thing. Oh, my gosh. 00:51:32 Speaker 3: I'm so happy you could be here. 00:51:33 Speaker 4: Thank you for having me. 00:51:34 Speaker 3: I've got a wonderful gift. I had such a lovely time. 00:51:37 Speaker 4: Okay, so did I. 00:51:38 Speaker 3: Listener, the podcast is over. You've got to do something with your day. You've got to find your own animated spooky toilet skeleton, whether literally or metaphorically. And I trust you'll be able to do that. So just move on. I love you. 00:51:54 Speaker 1: Goodbye. 00:51:59 Speaker 3: I Said No Gifts is an Exactly Right production. Our senior producer is Ellis Nelson, and our episodes are beautifully mixed by Ben Tolliday. The theme song is by miracle worker Amy Mann, and we couldn't do it without our booker Patrick Kottner. You must follow the show on Instagram at I Said No Gifts. That's where you're going to see pictures of all these wonderful gifts I'm getting. And don't you want to see the gifts? 00:52:25 Speaker 4: Well, I invited you here.... 00:52:29 Speaker 2: I thought I made myself perfectly clear When you're a guest in my home You gotta come to me empty-handed I said no gifts, your presence is presence enough And I already had too much stuff So how do you dare disobey me?