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Speaker 1: Welcome to the Therapy for a Black Girls podcasts, a

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Speaker 1: weekly conversation about mental health, personal development, and all the

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Speaker 1: small decisions we can make to become the best possible

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Speaker 1: versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr joy Hard and Bradford,

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Speaker 1: a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. To get more information,

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Speaker 1: visit the website at Therapy for Black Girls dot com.

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Speaker 1: And while I hope you love listening to and learning

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Speaker 1: from the podcast, it is not meant to be a

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Speaker 1: substitute for a relationship with a licensed mental health professional. Hey, y'all,

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Speaker 1: thanks so much for joining me for session eighty two

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Speaker 1: of the Therapy for Black Girls podcast. I wanted to

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Speaker 1: chat with you a little bit this week about how

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Speaker 1: the words we speak can be a reflection of how

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Speaker 1: we feel about ourselves and some of the mental processes

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Speaker 1: that are going on in the background. One of the

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Speaker 1: big culprits it should you know what I'm talking about?

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Speaker 1: I should really work out more, or I should be

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Speaker 1: further along in my career by now you know what

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Speaker 1: I'm talking about? Does that sound familiar? The thing was

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Speaker 1: should is that they really are not setting us up

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Speaker 1: for success. Should already make us feel like we're starting

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Speaker 1: at a deficit and that we're not doing enough. And

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Speaker 1: of course, when we go too far with this thinking,

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Speaker 1: we either overcompensate and move towards exhaustion and overwhelm, or

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Speaker 1: we feel defeated and don't make any progress towards our goals.

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Speaker 1: So what can you do if you're caught with a

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Speaker 1: bad case of the shoots? Step one. The very first

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Speaker 1: thing is that you have to be conscious of this

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Speaker 1: behavior for the next week. I want you to pay

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Speaker 1: a tension to your language and make yourself a note

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Speaker 1: of any time you use the word should, what are

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Speaker 1: you discussing, who are you talking to? Generally, how are

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Speaker 1: you feeling about yourself in that moment. You might find

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Speaker 1: that you have a tendency to you should more when

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Speaker 1: you're talking to a certain person or about a certain topic,

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Speaker 1: or when you're feeling a certain way about yourself. Step two.

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Speaker 1: If you find that the ships don't come up as

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Speaker 1: much when you're talking with others, but come up a

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Speaker 1: lot in yourself talk, pay attention to that. What story

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Speaker 1: are you telling yourself about what your life should look

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Speaker 1: like right now? And where did it come from? A

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Speaker 1: lot of times when we do a little digging, we

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Speaker 1: realize that the ideas were holding onto and the goals

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Speaker 1: we're trying to achieve aren't really ours in the first place.

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Speaker 1: Step three, practice being compassionate with yourself. It's likely that

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Speaker 1: if your life is full of a lot of shuds,

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Speaker 1: you're very critical of yourself, and you might be holding

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Speaker 1: yourself to a standard that isn't even realistic. What would

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Speaker 1: happen if you relax that a little? For example, let's

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Speaker 1: say one of your shoulds is I should be further

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Speaker 1: along in my career by now. What if instead of

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Speaker 1: focusing on what is not, you focused on all the

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Speaker 1: things you have actually accomplished up to this point career

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Speaker 1: and otherwise? Does that now give you something else to

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Speaker 1: focus on? Step four? If you dig into the SuDS

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Speaker 1: and you realize it's something you truly do want for yourself,

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Speaker 1: not just someone else's vision for your life, what goal

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Speaker 1: can you say that would get you a little closer

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Speaker 1: to what you're saying you'd like to have happened. So

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Speaker 1: if we stick with the example of further in your career,

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Speaker 1: let's say you set a goal of getting a promotion

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Speaker 1: within the next year. What's the smallest action you can

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Speaker 1: take towards getting some movement on this goal. Maybe it's

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Speaker 1: something like asking for a meeting with a key player

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Speaker 1: in your office, or sending your boss some thoughts about

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Speaker 1: a new project you're working on to show them your initiative.

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Speaker 1: Any movement forward is a good thing. And finally step five,

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Speaker 1: you want to find some other phrases to use in

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Speaker 1: place of should. You might try something like I would

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Speaker 1: like to be further along in my career. Do you

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Speaker 1: see how that already opens itself up for possibilities as

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Speaker 1: opposed to the automatic shutting down that happens when you

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Speaker 1: say I should be further along? Some other language bandits

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Speaker 1: to be aware of, or things like must need always

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Speaker 1: and never, I must finish Kyle Luge in four years?

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Speaker 1: Really do you need to? I need to be married

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Speaker 1: by age thirty five? Really says who? My friends always

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Speaker 1: lead me out? Okay, so they never include you. I

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Speaker 1: never have healthy relationships. You can't tell me about one.

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Speaker 1: Do you see how each of these leaves some room

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Speaker 1: for us to do some reality testing. A lot of

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Speaker 1: times when we speaking extremes like these, we limit ourselves

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Speaker 1: and it can make it difficult for us to really

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Speaker 1: see other perspectives that we hadn't considered, so I'm curious

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Speaker 1: to hear what this might look like for you. Are

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Speaker 1: you guilty of using any of these words excessively and

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Speaker 1: how has it impacted you? Share your thoughts with me

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Speaker 1: either on Twitter or i G and make sure to

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Speaker 1: use the hashtag tv G in session or tag our

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Speaker 1: accounts so that I can keep up with the conversation.

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Speaker 1: Before we wrap up today, I also want to share

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Speaker 1: something exciting with you guys. In the past year and

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Speaker 1: some change since I've been doing podcasts, I've realized that

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Speaker 1: the thing I love most about this work is really

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Speaker 1: being in community with y'all and seeing you be in

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Speaker 1: community with one another. And because of this, I want

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Speaker 1: to introduce you and invite you to join me in

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Speaker 1: our brand new therapy for Black girls community called the

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Speaker 1: Yellow Couch Collective. The Yellow Couch Collective is going to

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Speaker 1: be our space to really practice some of the things

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Speaker 1: we talked about on the podcast, and our space to

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Speaker 1: really focus on developing and strengthening the relationships y'all have

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Speaker 1: with one another. Every month, we're gonna have another deep

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Speaker 1: dive on a particular topic. It will be complete with

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Speaker 1: practice exercises, readings, and discussions for the rest of this

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Speaker 1: month will be focusing on assertive communication because I think

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Speaker 1: that when we learn to be more assertive in our

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Speaker 1: community pasition, it sets us up for success in a

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Speaker 1: lot of other areas in our lives. Every month will

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Speaker 1: also be having live Q and A sessions with some

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Speaker 1: of your favorite experts from the podcast. Our very first

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Speaker 1: expert will be Shamira Howard, who you heard a couple

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Speaker 1: of episodes ago, talking more about sexual freedom and what

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Speaker 1: that can look like for us as black women. There

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Speaker 1: will also be meetups with other members of the Yellow

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Speaker 1: Couch Collective that are near you in your area, So

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Speaker 1: if you've been looking for a way to meet new

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Speaker 1: people in your area who already have at least one

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Speaker 1: thing in common, this might be a great way to

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Speaker 1: do it. I'm so so excited about this, y'all, and

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Speaker 1: I think that you will be too, So if you

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Speaker 1: want to learn more information about it, or if you

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Speaker 1: already know that you are in, go ahead and visit

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Speaker 1: Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash y c C

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Speaker 1: and join us now. Don't forget that if you're looking

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Speaker 1: for a therapist in your area, visit the therapy is

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Speaker 1: directory at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash directory

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Speaker 1: and don't forget to grab your tv G swag in

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Speaker 1: our store at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash shop.

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Speaker 1: Thank y'all so much for joining me again this week.

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Speaker 1: I hope you have a great week and I am

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Speaker 1: looking forward to seeing you and chatting with you in

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Speaker 1: the Yellow Couch Collective. Take it care,