Speaker 1: Okay, Oh my god, Oh my god, oh my god.
Speaker 1: Amy Schumer is the greatest. She's the greatest. And she's
Speaker 1: from Long Island, She's from Motion Side. I lived in
Speaker 1: Rockfell Center, in the neighboring town. I got an email
Speaker 1: from a girl who asked if I wanted to go
Speaker 1: to Amy Schumer. It'll be an amazing show Jerry and
Speaker 1: Jessica Seinfelder hosting her and it and Lauren Michael's name
Speaker 1: was thrown around. And I don't know if Alec Baldwin
Speaker 1: because he's got his own bag of problems right now.
Speaker 1: But you know, there are these events that happened in
Speaker 1: the Hampton's once a mill a millennium and they're cool.
Speaker 1: Like I've gone to the coal Play concert and it's
Speaker 1: been really locals mixed with some librities. But you had
Speaker 1: like I think Joni Mitchell and Jimmy Buffett and John
Speaker 1: McEnroe bartending in one room, and I think Jay Z
Speaker 1: and Beyonce were there to watch them, and um, I
Speaker 1: was there. I got into a little bit of an
Speaker 1: incident there which we don't have to discuss today. We
Speaker 1: could discuss it another day. But I'm lucky I wasn't
Speaker 1: thrown out, but I was. I was on the on
Speaker 1: the brink of cancelation sort of. So anyway, the Hampton's
Speaker 1: once in a while has a cool event. Amy Schumer
Speaker 1: performing here sounds like a cool event. I don't go out.
Speaker 1: I don't go out on weekends. I don't go out
Speaker 1: at primetime dinner. It's the Hampton's is the most beautiful
Speaker 1: place in the world. It's the most dreadful place. If
Speaker 1: you go and try to do something cool or interesting
Speaker 1: or like orchestrated, that's when it's dreadful. Okay, So I went,
Speaker 1: I was invited to Amy Schumer, and I said, Who's
Speaker 1: who's going to be there? When I asked that, I
Speaker 1: didn't mean, like, you know, just Joe the Lifeguard. I
Speaker 1: meant there are people that I know who live out
Speaker 1: here who are at events like this, and funny people
Speaker 1: who I've appreciate human I love comedy. So I assume
Speaker 1: Jimmy Fallon is going to be there. He's a comedian,
Speaker 1: comedian support other comedians. I assume Lauren Michael's is going
Speaker 1: to be there. He's the one who told me you
Speaker 1: have to make an exit to make an entrance. I
Speaker 1: think he's going to be at a comedy thing. Jerry
Speaker 1: and Jessica Seinfeld have been confirmed. It sounds interesting because
Speaker 1: I'm leaving my house. I want to talk to some people.
Speaker 1: I wanted to be interesting. I may want to say
Speaker 1: to Amy, do you want to come on the podcast?
Speaker 1: Like I don't leave my house unless there's a very
Speaker 1: good reason, and often slash work is a reason. Like
Speaker 1: slash slash Amy, do you want to come on the podcast?
Speaker 1: Because otherwise I'm sitting in my backyard or at the beach,
Speaker 1: or doing a bonfire, or making s'mores or swimming or
Speaker 1: just living my own, free, free person life. Okay, let's go.
Speaker 1: This person invites me. They're up there in the pr business.
Speaker 1: They invite me. They invited me to go to fifty
Speaker 1: cents a couple of years ago. I thought that's cool.
Speaker 1: Brand will go to the surf Ledge. Big mistake. Huge.
Speaker 1: You have a private table, private parking, private everything. It's
Speaker 1: gonna be great. Paul and I get ready. Paul and
Speaker 1: I always have a discussion about this. He never wants
Speaker 1: to go. I don't want to go either. I think
Speaker 1: it's good for me, it's good for work. Bring it off, fun,
Speaker 1: Let's just go out. Let's get a car, let's get dressed,
Speaker 1: Let's be people. Let's pretend we have a life. Let's
Speaker 1: pretend we're social. Can we just pretend? Can we just
Speaker 1: one night go out and be cool and like, pretend
Speaker 1: we're cool and let's just pretend. Okay, So that night
Speaker 1: we went and Brin was like two years younger and
Speaker 1: fifty cent. We never even saw anywhere near him. The crowds,
Speaker 1: it was a mob. It was like a stampede. It
Speaker 1: was crazy, and Brian was getting trampled. I'm like, this
Speaker 1: is bad parenting. This is what we call bad parenting.
Speaker 1: We never even got close to when he started. I
Speaker 1: think he just started five seconds before. We were out
Speaker 1: of there. Montalk is like forty minutes from my house.
Speaker 1: We're all spent money. He were tipping everybody. We're wearing
Speaker 1: nice outfits. We gotta drive the whole thing, had to
Speaker 1: class fills to get there. Sit down. It was a disaster,
Speaker 1: and we came home like that's my idea of hell. Okay,
Speaker 1: enter the Amy Schumer Performance is a place club the
Speaker 1: clubhouse here. It's cool. It's a bowling alley and in arcade.
Speaker 1: I go there with Brian in the winter because in
Speaker 1: the winter you get bored and you're not gonna we
Speaker 1: don't need to go bowling now in the summer when
Speaker 1: we can be at the beach and clambing or doing
Speaker 1: something fun and go on a boat. So we do
Speaker 1: that in the winter. So I never thought about the
Speaker 1: outdoor spaces at the clubhouse has but they I I
Speaker 1: and they have like a big bar inside, like a
Speaker 1: really big big sports bar type vibes. I picture that
Speaker 1: she's gonna be performing in their clubby slanky lounge. Clubby
Speaker 1: Swanky Lounge. E great, But I do here before we go,
Speaker 1: there's something private gonna be outside, like a private concert.
Speaker 1: I do not ask how many people are gonna be there,
Speaker 1: but I hear it's going to be intimate. So we go.
Speaker 1: My friends are coming. This was the whole thing too.
Speaker 1: Who am I inviting? I was gonna invite my friend
Speaker 1: Alex and Steve Cohen they owned the Mets. Okay, I
Speaker 1: did invite them. They had a game or he was away,
Speaker 1: they couldn't come. I said, this would be cool. I
Speaker 1: don't invite them to everything because they invite me to
Speaker 1: go to like Subway series Mets and to come to
Speaker 1: their house, which is the most extraordinary house you've ever
Speaker 1: seen in your life. I'm not inviting them, you know,
Speaker 1: to do nothing. But the truth is they're the most
Speaker 1: down to earth people, and I can invite them easily
Speaker 1: to my backyard piggly wiggly barbecue as much as this.
Speaker 1: But this sounded like just at least a cool invite.
Speaker 1: They're not getting invited to this thing, so like, let
Speaker 1: me invite them. I invited my friends Perry and dan
Speaker 1: Um and he's you know, Perry's an agent and he,
Speaker 1: you know, can be a little particular. Let's just say.
Speaker 1: And I invited my friends Amy and John. Okay, Amy
Speaker 1: and John end up coming. Alex and Steve couldn't come.
Speaker 1: Amy and John end up coming there. She's my friend
Speaker 1: from college. I've known them for years. They're calling me
Speaker 1: on the way there. Now, there's a vortex in the
Speaker 1: Hamptons where you cannot get phone service. That I'll give
Speaker 1: anybody who criticizes it's a place here, a pocket. We
Speaker 1: cannot talk to anybody. So you're trying to get to somewhere,
Speaker 1: you can't get the ways to get there, and you
Speaker 1: can't get on the phone to tell anybody where. If
Speaker 1: you're late or not. It's a disaster, and it's a
Speaker 1: specific pocket. If you ever come to the Hampton's it's
Speaker 1: between Bridge Hampton and East Hampton, it's particularly Wayne Scott
Speaker 1: is a cluster fuck and a little bit of sagaponic. Okay,
Speaker 1: so I'm never in those places. Doesn't matter that much.
Speaker 1: But when you're getting out to mon talk, there's a
Speaker 1: good seven minutes to ten minutes that you can't get service. Great,
Speaker 1: we're going there, Amy and John and Amy has was
Speaker 1: the one that I did the podcast about being a
Speaker 1: planned stalker. But she's she's retired from being a plant
Speaker 1: stalker and she's not, but she still has it in
Speaker 1: her blood. So she's texting where do we go? What
Speaker 1: do we do about the parking? And I'm like, I
Speaker 1: don't know because I really don't know, and I just
Speaker 1: I don't know. Don't forget, don't forget. You never knew this.
Speaker 1: I put on an oufit that night. I got my hair.
Speaker 1: I'm embarrassed. So just know that I was told there's
Speaker 1: a step and repeat. So even though it step and repeat,
Speaker 1: I used to go to a casual event and not
Speaker 1: do hair and makeup because I thought who cares? But
Speaker 1: step and repeat means there's one photographer. Doesn't mean matter
Speaker 1: if there's one or forty, there's one who will take
Speaker 1: a picture and a cond ended everywhere. So just because
Speaker 1: it's a casual event and there's only one photographer, you
Speaker 1: don't want to look like garbage. The one camera has
Speaker 1: as much power as twenty cameras is something I learned
Speaker 1: about six months ago, probably about the same time as
Speaker 1: I started learning how to do my makeup. So the
Speaker 1: one camera has has reached. So I get my hair
Speaker 1: makeup done in the Hampton's. I'm whispering because that's something
Speaker 1: that would make me want to enter the Witness Protection program.
Speaker 1: Come my hair makeup done? How embarrassing. Picked out an outfit,
Speaker 1: cute outfit. Paul and I bought this little cute dress
Speaker 1: in Santa bar but we love it. It's fresh, it's
Speaker 1: casual enough to be in the Hampton's, but cute enough
Speaker 1: to wear. I put it on and somehow my boobs
Speaker 1: are popping out, like popping up. Brind's looking at me,
Speaker 1: her face is wonky. Paul comes in, He's like, oh later,
Speaker 1: He's like that would not have been okay, Like not
Speaker 1: have been okay. My boobs are popping out. So I'm
Speaker 1: thinking that sort of Dolce layering bra. Look, I could
Speaker 1: put a broad peek out underneath. The problem is the
Speaker 1: shirt was so ill fitting that you couldn't. So I
Speaker 1: put the bra underneath. Now wearing a bra with a
Speaker 1: dress like under it. So now we have to leave
Speaker 1: because they've told me you have to be here by
Speaker 1: this time the set starts at that time. Okay, you
Speaker 1: have to be here spreaking out. I'm wearing a bra.
Speaker 1: I say, screw it. I can rocket. It's a bra
Speaker 1: that has pink detail. I have a pink bag to match.
Speaker 1: No problem. We're walking out the house. My keys. Paul
Speaker 1: set tells me the keys are locked in the car.
Speaker 1: Keys locked in the car. Don't have that happened. It's
Speaker 1: not keys are locked in the car. I have a
Speaker 1: bra popping out. I pulled this like dress that's like
Speaker 1: a sea less dress for me. I just I couldn't
Speaker 1: think I was in the moment. We had to leave.
Speaker 1: We had to get to the set. The same person
Speaker 1: who told me that this was very private, and that
Speaker 1: told me that I wouldn't that that fifty cent was
Speaker 1: going to be very private also told me we have
Speaker 1: to be there. We had to be there. I think
Speaker 1: they said by six forty What the hell was it
Speaker 1: was really early? I think it was six forty five.
Speaker 1: I'm rushing out the door. I'm freaking out. I'm trying
Speaker 1: to figure out a dress. I pull another dress and
Speaker 1: I'm now in the car and I'm holding a dress.
Speaker 1: I picked the most neutral dress. I couldn't. I'm in
Speaker 1: the car. Oh, sorry forgot to tell you. We got
Speaker 1: locked out of the car. We got locked out of
Speaker 1: the car. I don't have child's care. I've never had
Speaker 1: a nanny. I don't have babysitters. I don't have a
Speaker 1: go to babysitter. I this night because of this event,
Speaker 1: because if Amy she were performing, I tell my assistant,
Speaker 1: can you find a babysitter? She says, we don't. This
Speaker 1: is the assistant that I lost my phone number for
Speaker 1: a day. She says, we don't have any Babysitterzen, They're
Speaker 1: not in the Bible. The Bible is a book that
Speaker 1: my assistants have composed that like has Hampden's Hairdresser, New
Speaker 1: York City, Play, Ohio Dating, Ohio hairdresser. Because I go
Speaker 1: there to do an appearance, like it's a Bible. It's
Speaker 1: called the Bible because it's like it's been written, you know,
Speaker 1: scripture that's been included there, so we could use it.
Speaker 1: So she says, it's not in the Bible. I'm like, well, okay,
Speaker 1: so put it, you know, find it. She's like, well,
Speaker 1: there's no babysitt in the Bible. I'm like, okay, the
Speaker 1: Bible wasn't actually made by God. It was made by
Speaker 1: my assistance. So like you can look around for Hampton's babysitter.
Speaker 1: It can't be that difficult find a babysitter to put
Speaker 1: into that. You could put your you can have your
Speaker 1: scripture in the Bible. You two could be an author
Speaker 1: in my Bible. But like, I can't deal with this
Speaker 1: right now. So that that was something. Figure out a babysitter.
Speaker 1: I've said, three hundre million dollars to Ukraine in six days.
Speaker 1: I think you can figure out a babysitter. Okay. So
Speaker 1: so now we got the babysitter thing, and then of
Speaker 1: course I like I figure everything out. Figured out the babysitter,
Speaker 1: I said, asked Garrett, my house manager. He's got to
Speaker 1: know somebody's a local. He presents us with a friend
Speaker 1: of his who happens to be someone he was best
Speaker 1: friends with in high school. Her name is what Katy
Speaker 1: Bryan Jackie? Her name is? Her name is? Her name
Speaker 1: is Jackie. She went to prom with Garrett Broom wants
Speaker 1: to mention that. Okay, enter Jackie. She walks into my house.
Speaker 1: She has a jeep. I've never met her. She's adorable.
Speaker 1: I trust Garrett. She's his friend. Brenda don't need a
Speaker 1: lot of babysitting. Like it's like basically a friend coming over. She's,
Speaker 1: you know, got her own life. Um, but we're going.
Speaker 1: I'm holding a dress in my hand. Paul's locked out
Speaker 1: of the car. I look upon, I go take the
Speaker 1: babysitter's car. We've met her five minutes ago. Five minutes ago,
Speaker 1: met the babysitter in my hair and make up, bra
Speaker 1: popping out. I posted it on Instagram. Um, bra popping
Speaker 1: out holding a white dress. Get in the babysitter's car.
Speaker 1: Now my friends calling me. How do we get in?
Speaker 1: What do we do? What if it passes? We have
Speaker 1: no service because we're in that that vortex where you
Speaker 1: get no service in the Hampton's Okay, no problem, we
Speaker 1: get there. I'm changing in the car. I change, I
Speaker 1: wear the other dress. I don't feel great about it.
Speaker 1: It's not great. Don't worry. Doesn't matter. It's not going
Speaker 1: to be a photographer. There's not gonna be a step
Speaker 1: and repeat. That was fake news. I could have worn
Speaker 1: my underwear and a scrunchy. It doesn't matter. Great now,
Speaker 1: she says, we finagled. We pulled up. We saw this,
Speaker 1: said publicist, and they got them a parking past. Great,
Speaker 1: we pull up. We're behind two thousand people. She's telling
Speaker 1: me we have to be in at a certain time.
Speaker 1: I'm thinking there's a step and repeat. I'm gonna see
Speaker 1: Amy Schumer. The publicist says, get there. You have to
Speaker 1: be there at a certain time. Now we're at the
Speaker 1: back of this ten thousand car line. So what am
Speaker 1: I supposed to do? My friends got there at the
Speaker 1: time that I was told we had to be there.
Speaker 1: Now I'm going to be that Hampton's douche bag that's
Speaker 1: just passing everybody. I'm more important than you. Forgot to
Speaker 1: tell you because there's ten thousand cars. I didn't know
Speaker 1: there'd be this many cars. I didn't know there'd be
Speaker 1: as many people. That information was conveniently left out. It's
Speaker 1: a Saturday night. I'd rather be homemaking s'mores with Brent.
Speaker 1: You know I don't go out. You've already garnered that.
Speaker 1: You've seen what I allow myself to look like on
Speaker 1: social media. You know I don't leave the house. Any
Speaker 1: publicist that works in this industry knows that. Every time
Speaker 1: they ask, the answer is no unless it's really interesting. Okay,
Speaker 1: So now we see like people to the left that
Speaker 1: are holding headphones, that are wearing shorts that have like
Speaker 1: whistles around their necks. I'm like Paul, I'm hiding under
Speaker 1: the seat. Drive up there and say blah blah blah
Speaker 1: told us to come. It's just everything I hate. It's
Speaker 1: a reason to get canceled. It's why I threw a
Speaker 1: drink on someone at cold Play. It's what happens to
Speaker 1: me when I leave, and it's unnecessary. It was unnecessary
Speaker 1: to leave the house so far. But amy humor is funny,
Speaker 1: it should be wonderful. After five conversations, I'm under the
Speaker 1: car seat. This is not an exaggeration. I do not exaggerate.
Speaker 1: I do a lot of things. I emote, I raised
Speaker 1: my voice. I do not embellish, I do not exaggerate.
Speaker 1: Under the seat, Paul talks to these people. They're talking
Speaker 1: to the other person on the walkie. We get to front,
Speaker 1: we leave the car. The person says, don't worry, just
Speaker 1: give your car. No v I, no v I P parking,
Speaker 1: no pass, just don't worry, just give your car. Okay,
Speaker 1: now we're walking in. This event has been designed to
Speaker 1: be like an airplane. You know. Amy Schumer talked about
Speaker 1: the v I P section, and it's literally coach, business
Speaker 1: class and first class. It's jet bluement, business class and
Speaker 1: coach coaches. People on lawn chairs, eating sushi, hotdogs, barbecuing.
Speaker 1: It's Chase Stadium. It's wherever that open lawn is where
Speaker 1: you go in the middle of the Kentucky Derby. That's coach.
Speaker 1: Coach looks very fun, and coach is the only place
Speaker 1: where there's food. Did I not? I did not realize
Speaker 1: because you get you get invited to a v I
Speaker 1: P event at six forty five, you expect you could eat. Well, wait,
Speaker 1: now we're in business class. That's people sitting in sort
Speaker 1: of chairs like wedding style seating, and as Amy Schoomer
Speaker 1: in her in her act, pointed out, there's like there's
Speaker 1: like a separation for that in first class. Nothing feels
Speaker 1: better in a comedy act than to make people feel low.
Speaker 1: So those are business class, right, but like literally separated
Speaker 1: by a rope and then business then then first class
Speaker 1: is right in front of them. First class is those
Speaker 1: those fake rattan Miami big giant couches, okay, and they
Speaker 1: as though them with two club chairs. I think it
Speaker 1: was club Jays. It might have been only the couches. No,
Speaker 1: they're definitely club chairs. Someone said, let's make a living
Speaker 1: room living room setting for each party in a comedy club.
Speaker 1: That Amy pointed out is next to an airport, so
Speaker 1: you're hearing planes take off and land. And it's also
Speaker 1: next to the woods. She pointed that out a lot.
Speaker 1: Doesn't bother me that it's next to the woods, but
Speaker 1: she seemed frightened by it. It was still daylight, um,
Speaker 1: but there were there are like coffee tables outdoor, fake
Speaker 1: wicker Miami coffee tape ables and club chairs and couches,
Speaker 1: and it's vast. First class is vast. So they pull
Speaker 1: us this person seats us in my my couch living
Speaker 1: room seating arrangement area Okay, my friends there, Amy and
Speaker 1: John are there. This person says, great, go get a drink.
Speaker 1: Alcohol can cure almost anything. It's eight o'clock in the morning.
Speaker 1: I'm ready for a drink right now. Alcohol, she says,
Speaker 1: go get a drink, because when you're stressed out like this,
Speaker 1: this is how The Housewives was successful, because we walk
Speaker 1: in and you're so stressed out by whatever it is
Speaker 1: and the preparation it took to get there that you
Speaker 1: dis first, like I'm thirsty, but I'm not gonna drink water.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna have a margarita instead feels hydrating. So we
Speaker 1: get there and so they're like, go to the bar.
Speaker 1: It's right there. I see Rosanna Scotto. Hello, I see
Speaker 1: other people. Go to the bar. Great, go to the bar.
Speaker 1: No one standing at the bar. Um, there's no line. Great,
Speaker 1: there's another signature drink bar that only has like very thick,
Speaker 1: syrupy mango spicy margarita's sounded amazing. I got one. It
Speaker 1: was like a fix sarupy mango with no alcohol in it,
Speaker 1: no spice and sight. So it's like gloppy mango drink
Speaker 1: like that I can't do for an evening. We're here,
Speaker 1: for the long haul. It's gonna be funny. I'm gonna
Speaker 1: be talking to a lot Lauren Michael's. I might get
Speaker 1: him to do my podcast. I'm gonna see Amy Jerry
Speaker 1: Seinfeld's here. We're gonna hang out, Jessica and I are
Speaker 1: going to talk about, you know, sneaking vegetables into food
Speaker 1: and laugh. Like a lot of things are gonna happen
Speaker 1: here tonight. I can't have a mango gloppy drink sustain me.
Speaker 1: So now I'm like, okay, great s should go over
Speaker 1: to another bar. This is the bar. This is the
Speaker 1: type of night I want to like make my own drink.
Speaker 1: I want to be like, I'll have tequila sour mixes,
Speaker 1: splash of margarita, like I mean a splash of club soda.
Speaker 1: Like this is one of those bars you're at an event.
Speaker 1: It's not gonna be what you wanted, but if you're lucky,
Speaker 1: there's a line slice a good plastic cup, and you
Speaker 1: can figure out your own adventure with a vodka, cranberry
Speaker 1: and a pinch. So I walk up, Sorry, we just
Speaker 1: have bottle service. I don't even know what that means.
Speaker 1: We have to buy a bottle. What do we do
Speaker 1: with it next like a bottle of what? Okay, so
Speaker 1: we have to all is a group now agree the tickets.
Speaker 1: I guess we're five dollars we didn't pay, so we
Speaker 1: had a group have to greet agree because it's four
Speaker 1: to five a bottle of alcohol. I'm not spending twelve
Speaker 1: hundred dollars on alcohol. John and Amy drink one drink each.
Speaker 1: Paul drinks one drink and nurses it to pretend he's
Speaker 1: drinking like I am. And I'm gonna have two two
Speaker 1: and a half to three drinks. So that's not two
Speaker 1: bottles of alcohol for a thousand dollars and I'm cheap
Speaker 1: in that regard, So I'm like, No Britain laughed at
Speaker 1: whatever that was? Would you laugh at why? Because Paul
Speaker 1: was pretending to have a drink exactly. So we all
Speaker 1: have to make a decision on tequila. Because Paul will
Speaker 1: drink a little tequila, I'll drink more tequila. Amy and
Speaker 1: John will drink no tequila. They'll drink Coca cola. Great,
Speaker 1: we're now three hundred fifty dollars into this thing, plus
Speaker 1: Paul greasing everybody and paying tips and everything, we're probably
Speaker 1: five hundred dollars into it. We're having a bottle, but
Speaker 1: the bottle these bottles. These young kids that these young
Speaker 1: kids that go to Duchella and go to like club
Speaker 1: bottle table service. They drink shots tequila. They don't care
Speaker 1: about what's surrounding the drink. So that the woman comes
Speaker 1: over to our table one time, you never saw her again,
Speaker 1: because you know, it's not fun in um a comedy show,
Speaker 1: ranking ice and scooping ice and pouring into drinks. Like
Speaker 1: you get your two drinks in a comedy club and
Speaker 1: you're off to the races. It's like bottle service for
Speaker 1: nightclub Miami Fountain Blue Live the club in the Fountain Blue.
Speaker 1: For anyone who's who's who's over twenty nine? This is
Speaker 1: not live bottle service life. Okay, you have someone like
Speaker 1: doing shots out of their belt next to your table,
Speaker 1: like you gotta be quiet. We're doing a comedy show.
Speaker 1: So one time this has dropped off. The same ice
Speaker 1: that's under the bottle has to be the same ice
Speaker 1: we have to use for our drink. You get what
Speaker 1: you get. You don't get upset. I don't care. I
Speaker 1: already have salmonella and COVID so now but it's only
Speaker 1: the two crafts, the tonic, that whatever, and like some
Speaker 1: gloppy orange juice and cranberry. It's like drink selection. So
Speaker 1: I can't get my drink right. It's gonna be strong tequila,
Speaker 1: It's gonna be tequila soda. It's just this is not
Speaker 1: fun yet. My drinks are not fun. It's why I
Speaker 1: have a I had a cocktail Empire. Drinks need to
Speaker 1: be done properly, they need to be done fun. Great,
Speaker 1: never see that person again. We're stuck with the soup
Speaker 1: because this is in the middle of a heatwave. I
Speaker 1: forgot to tell you. This is when it was nine
Speaker 1: in the shade every day, so the ices melted five
Speaker 1: minutes after it gets to our table. So now drinking
Speaker 1: warm tequila. Great, it's all fun. This woman comes out
Speaker 1: to do stand up comedy. I'm not sure if she
Speaker 1: was funny, because you would never be able to know
Speaker 1: because this was the least funny environment I've ever been in.
Speaker 1: So she comes out, she's um a black woman in
Speaker 1: a white sea of rich Hampton's entitled people. This was
Speaker 1: part of both of their bits and Amy's act, etcetera.
Speaker 1: And you know the staff is home and all these jokes,
Speaker 1: and truth is, there's a lot there are a lot
Speaker 1: of people in the Hampton's that can't afford to be
Speaker 1: at that event. There are a lot of locals. And
Speaker 1: the bad rap is about the private planes which are
Speaker 1: right next door to this event. Ironically, literally these are.
Speaker 1: This event was not at a regular airport, it was
Speaker 1: at a private airport where all the douche bag planes
Speaker 1: were next door. So all the people that are being
Speaker 1: made fun of her sitting on sitting there at the event,
Speaker 1: their planes are next door. The jokes were funny. I
Speaker 1: mean those jokes are funny. It's we get it. It's true.
Speaker 1: You gotta go for it. It's the low hanging plane,
Speaker 1: I mean fruit great. So there's no food inside. Amy
Speaker 1: has to go walk to some food truck truck and
Speaker 1: coach and find pizza. Like it's just not any food.
Speaker 1: There's nothing tray passed, there's nothing that's gonna be like
Speaker 1: interesting at all to eat. Like the pizza wasn't even
Speaker 1: that good. Who cares? Okay, So now we're not drinking,
Speaker 1: we're not eating, okay, but we're not laughing because the
Speaker 1: person who opened up is out there and she's drowning
Speaker 1: and they put her out there for like forty minutes,
Speaker 1: like it was a long time, and I'm but what
Speaker 1: you do when what do you do when someone's laugh
Speaker 1: like not it's not going that great for them. You
Speaker 1: laugh louder and you try to combine your laughter with
Speaker 1: the people next to you, so like there's laughter going
Speaker 1: up there because you're feeling bad. Guess what when you're
Speaker 1: next to a talk, when you're at Luguardia Airport on
Speaker 1: the tarmac, in a in a in a living room,
Speaker 1: furniture setting separated so far from the people near you,
Speaker 1: and there were seven empty which is in front of me,
Speaker 1: seven empty couches in front of me, so much so
Speaker 1: that someone started moving furniture. A staff employee during eight
Speaker 1: during I don't know if it was this girl's actor,
Speaker 1: Amy's act. I think it was Amy's act started moving
Speaker 1: club chairs and furniture to make it like closer together.
Speaker 1: You know, it's great during a comedy show, no alcohol,
Speaker 1: vast spaces, wide open planes right, wide open planes are
Speaker 1: like are in between each table. You can't. I'm so
Speaker 1: far from Amy Schumer. I'm so far that even when Amy,
Speaker 1: because she wasn't getting every single laugh because no one
Speaker 1: could hear anything, because there are airplanes taking off and landing,
Speaker 1: there are wide open spaces, there are like seven tays,
Speaker 1: seven to nine tables in front of me that are empty,
Speaker 1: and people are moving furniture, moving furniture. Just We're no problem, Amy,
Speaker 1: We're just doing a light renovation in the middle of
Speaker 1: your act. We just thought we'd do like a light
Speaker 1: furniture renovation. Is that cool with you? We're gonna just
Speaker 1: move furniture. So every time I try to laugh, to
Speaker 1: make just for Amy or anyone, it's so far. She's
Speaker 1: so far from me. Guess who's nowhere in sight. There's
Speaker 1: no Jimmy Fallon, there's no Lauren Michaels, there's no Jerry Seinfeld,
Speaker 1: there's no I heard later, when I was definitely displeased
Speaker 1: about the way that they set up Amy Schumer in
Speaker 1: this event, I heard, I can't imagine what they paid her.
Speaker 1: Whatever they paid her was in nearly enough. If they
Speaker 1: didn't pay her three two and seventy five thousand dollars,
Speaker 1: she did not get paid enough. Never Mind, I didn't see,
Speaker 1: but I heard Jerry Seinfeld's daughter was backstage with the publicist. Well,
Speaker 1: maybe Jerry, Maybe Jerry Seinfeld's daughter is gonna come on
Speaker 1: the podcast. We could talk about this event. So none
Speaker 1: of the people that were discussed that we're quote unquote
Speaker 1: sitting next to me, were there. None of this occurred.
Speaker 1: Amy Schumer was funny because she could survive in a
Speaker 1: in a comedy hurricane. But they set her up for failure.
Speaker 1: This was literally the night to set comedians up for failure. Okay,
Speaker 1: to set them up for failure. So no big deal.
Speaker 1: We go through. We are sober as can be. I'm
Speaker 1: wearing a different dress. There's no there's there's no food insight,
Speaker 1: no alcohol in sight. Um. Amy Schumer's act was was funny,
Speaker 1: but I can't imagine how hilarious it would have been
Speaker 1: in a setting where I could have actually heard myself
Speaker 1: laugh and heard part of the jokes. So I was
Speaker 1: so uncomfortable the whole time, just like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: oh my god, this is a place to bomb. Oh
Speaker 1: my god. I couldn't believe it. I was so uncomfortable. Um,
Speaker 1: so uncomfortable. You have no idea. I just I feel
Speaker 1: for the comedian. It's the hardest craft in the world,
Speaker 1: and to be set up for not to be heard
Speaker 1: and for laughter, for you, for you as a comedian
Speaker 1: not to hear the people's laughter, for people not to
Speaker 1: be drinking drinks, for furniture to be moved, for plants,
Speaker 1: planes to be landing. It was literally to make people
Speaker 1: feel like there's three coaches on a seat to be
Speaker 1: set up like an Emirates flight on route to Milan,
Speaker 1: where it just what a disaster, but don't worry. We
Speaker 1: leave and we go to the security guy and say, hey,
Speaker 1: this person just you know, told us to park our car.
Speaker 1: And he's like, oh, no, it's valley parking. There's like
Speaker 1: a sea of thousands of No. I had to be
Speaker 1: over a thousand people, hundreds of people trying to get
Speaker 1: out of there, and we've got the babysitter's car. I mean,
Speaker 1: I said to him, please get me that person. Please
Speaker 1: get me that person who who co ordinated this for me,
Speaker 1: because she just ket me sideways. Okay, I said that.
Speaker 1: Paul's look gave me Paul's are you're canceled? Your career
Speaker 1: is over? It's no problem. This is the second event
Speaker 1: that you've gone at to on a Saturday. I think
Speaker 1: you're going to destroy everything. So let me just so
Speaker 1: then you know, he offered he tries to tip the
Speaker 1: guy and says, can we please, And I said, listen,
Speaker 1: I've just had a have had a I was a
Speaker 1: little bit miss it was a little misrepresented because now
Speaker 1: I'm an entitled Hampton's douche. Everything about it is just
Speaker 1: and I was not okay. I called the person. I
Speaker 1: was not okay until the next rarning. I don't do
Speaker 1: well in social situations. I forgot to tell you, I'm
Speaker 1: introverted in this way. I don't like to go out.
Speaker 1: I don't like so to have all this heightened activation
Speaker 1: and to like, you know, the dress, the car, the
Speaker 1: lock in the babysitter, all of it, like it just
Speaker 1: it heightened me and to feel uncomfortable. I get very uncomfortable,
Speaker 1: and I feel uncomfortable for other people like I was.
Speaker 1: I walked back. I wanted to like go on stage
Speaker 1: and like tell this audience what a bunch of you know,
Speaker 1: white entitled people we are. But it wasn't even about
Speaker 1: the audience. It was really about the way the venue
Speaker 1: was set up, in the whole thing, and it was
Speaker 1: just it was for a good charity that I will say.
Speaker 1: I can't tell you. I was shook. I woke up
Speaker 1: like sick. The next day, I just felt my body felt.
Speaker 1: I just I hold onto things and when I feel
Speaker 1: uncomfortable in some way or activated or like I was
Speaker 1: helpless and I could, I just I just felt. I
Speaker 1: don't do well in social situations. I don't know how
Speaker 1: any of you know, Like when something you're planning for it,
Speaker 1: and you you you you build it up. You're planning
Speaker 1: for it, you build it up, you do it. It's
Speaker 1: stressful and it sounds not stressful to go out, but
Speaker 1: my friends were. I mean, it was a disaster, Thank God.
Speaker 1: Could you imagine? Can you imagine? I invited Alex and
Speaker 1: Stephen Cohen who owned the Vet, who owned the Mets,
Speaker 1: and he's like the largest art collector in the world.
Speaker 1: They're good friends of mine, and by the way, they
Speaker 1: would be. But like, I don't I can't imagine setting
Speaker 1: my friends up for something it's going to be v
Speaker 1: I p and interesting and then being so embarrassed. That's
Speaker 1: the only thing that would have killed me, even when
Speaker 1: that I'd be in a coffin if I invited them
Speaker 1: and had to think about how embarrassed I was that
Speaker 1: we couldn't get ice or drinks or you couldn't hear
Speaker 1: the comedy or we were on like on a plastic
Speaker 1: coffee coffee retan table miles away from her. She can't
Speaker 1: hear us laugh that we I mean that poor opening comedian,
Speaker 1: the poor girl who opened up for Amy. I need
Speaker 1: you to come on this podcast. We need to discuss
Speaker 1: this evening. You know exactly what I'm talking about. And
Speaker 1: then that poor girl. And I messaged Amy on social
Speaker 1: meds to say like, wow, you're a warrior rock star
Speaker 1: and nothing breathes funny like no alcohol, moving furniture and
Speaker 1: being you know, on a football field where no one
Speaker 1: can hear you laugh. And she said you were there,
Speaker 1: and then she said mad respect and whatever. But so
Speaker 1: the girl, the person who set up this event, I
Speaker 1: didn't tell Amy that I was there, and Amy donated
Speaker 1: to my charity and it would have been nice to
Speaker 1: say hello to her. So the whole thing was really
Speaker 1: fun and I'm really glad I went. I can't wait
Speaker 1: for next year.