WEBVTT - Tika Sumpter on Finding Balance as a Mom and Creator 0:00:03.640 --> 0:00:06.640 Hello Sunshine, Hey fam Today on the bright Side, the 0:00:06.720 --> 0:00:09.440 incredible Tica Sumpter is here. You know her from Sonic 0:00:09.480 --> 0:00:11.559 the Hedgehog, The Haves and the have Nots, and the 0:00:11.640 --> 0:00:14.960 Ride Along Franchise, And today she's sharing how she's reimagining 0:00:15.040 --> 0:00:18.600 children's entertainment plus the key to getting kids to open 0:00:18.680 --> 0:00:20.639 up and reveal their true emotions. 0:00:21.079 --> 0:00:24.239 It's Monday, February seventeenth. I'm Danielle Robe and. 0:00:24.160 --> 0:00:26.560 I'm Simone Boyce and this is the bright Side from 0:00:26.640 --> 0:00:28.280 Hella Sunshine. 0:00:29.720 --> 0:00:32.800 Danielle. It's time for another on my Mind Monday. Yes 0:00:33.080 --> 0:00:36.000 it is. We love this time a week. Yes we 0:00:36.240 --> 0:00:37.000 do well. 0:00:37.120 --> 0:00:39.360 Before I share what's on my mind, I'm actually going 0:00:39.440 --> 0:00:41.960 to take a look back over the last month and 0:00:42.040 --> 0:00:45.640 when I think about the days, the moments, the scenes 0:00:45.840 --> 0:00:48.720 that really stand out in my mind. The highlights have 0:00:48.840 --> 0:00:52.520 been these top tier YAP sessions with my girlfriends. Whether 0:00:52.560 --> 0:00:55.280 it's watching Sex and the City with hyaluronic masks on 0:00:55.400 --> 0:00:57.600 in our hotel room or just sitting around on the 0:00:57.600 --> 0:01:00.560 floor in our pj's with the charcuterie board, it just 0:01:00.640 --> 0:01:01.800 really fills my cup. 0:01:02.080 --> 0:01:04.160 Oh my god, there's nothing better. I know. 0:01:04.360 --> 0:01:07.000 I love a low key app session. Like there's something 0:01:07.080 --> 0:01:10.360 that is so comforting about being able to show up, 0:01:10.440 --> 0:01:14.600 like no makeup on, bear faced hair, not done, sweats on. 0:01:14.959 --> 0:01:16.119 It's just so liberating. 0:01:16.720 --> 0:01:19.600 So my girlfriend's from college and I actually have a rule. 0:01:19.640 --> 0:01:21.679 We get together at least once a month for dinner 0:01:22.000 --> 0:01:25.920 at my friend Chloe's apartment, and pajamas are mandated. We 0:01:26.040 --> 0:01:28.919 only order food in so that there's no work for anybody, 0:01:29.200 --> 0:01:31.399 and everyone has their hair in a bun and is 0:01:31.560 --> 0:01:34.320 just like ready to talk and laugh or cry and 0:01:34.400 --> 0:01:35.559 do absolutely nothing. 0:01:36.160 --> 0:01:38.440 It's the best. It doesn't get any better than that. Yeah, 0:01:38.480 --> 0:01:41.840 So now they're on the same page. I was delighted 0:01:41.840 --> 0:01:44.640 to read this really sweet article in Self magazine that's 0:01:44.680 --> 0:01:47.440 actually all about the mental health benefits that we get 0:01:47.480 --> 0:01:48.800 from yapping with our besties. 0:01:49.320 --> 0:01:51.640 Oh my god, tell me, I feel them. But I 0:01:51.720 --> 0:01:53.240 want to know what the science says. 0:01:53.520 --> 0:01:56.240 Well, it turns out science actually has our back on this, Danielle, 0:01:56.280 --> 0:01:58.840 because this article cided a twenty twenty three study that 0:01:58.880 --> 0:02:00.720 found that the social and direct actions you have with 0:02:00.800 --> 0:02:03.960 your friends can improve feelings of connection and well being. 0:02:04.480 --> 0:02:07.440 Now that might not be surprising to a lot of us, right, 0:02:07.560 --> 0:02:10.320 but what I found particularly interesting is that it turns 0:02:10.320 --> 0:02:13.800 out the content of the conversation doesn't matter. 0:02:14.040 --> 0:02:15.560 It's the conversation itself. 0:02:15.880 --> 0:02:19.120 So what you're saying is we don't have to have 0:02:19.240 --> 0:02:22.040 our brain waves sync up and have this really deep 0:02:22.080 --> 0:02:25.880 and meaningful moment. We can just be like giggling and 0:02:25.960 --> 0:02:27.559 laughing and talking about nothing. 0:02:27.680 --> 0:02:28.600 Right right. 0:02:28.880 --> 0:02:31.120 I mean, I know you well enough at this point 0:02:31.120 --> 0:02:32.320 to know that you and I are the type of 0:02:32.320 --> 0:02:34.600 people to think that, you know, a really deep and 0:02:34.680 --> 0:02:38.000 meaningful conversation with our friends is what's going to build 0:02:38.000 --> 0:02:42.640 a more profound connection. But what this research reveals is 0:02:42.639 --> 0:02:46.160 that mundane chitchat can be just as powerful. 0:02:46.400 --> 0:02:49.639 So I actually have this theory about small talk because 0:02:49.880 --> 0:02:53.560 a lot of people despise small talk aka talking about nothing, 0:02:54.080 --> 0:02:57.040 But I think that small talk leads to big talk. 0:02:57.200 --> 0:03:00.200 And so in a weird way, you're kind of signaling 0:03:00.200 --> 0:03:02.760 to your friends or to strangers that you're with that 0:03:02.880 --> 0:03:06.400 you're present, you're available for conversation. I think it reduces 0:03:06.480 --> 0:03:10.160 social pressure and you're just you're there to have fun 0:03:10.200 --> 0:03:13.079 and hang out. It's like a sign, hey, I'm here 0:03:13.120 --> 0:03:16.240 and I'm ready for this non forced intimacy. 0:03:16.600 --> 0:03:18.880 I think that's a really a stude observation, Danielle. I 0:03:18.880 --> 0:03:23.639 think sometimes starting with that mundane chit chat can kind 0:03:23.639 --> 0:03:26.600 of take off this pressure valve, and it allows this 0:03:27.040 --> 0:03:30.440 release for the profound conversation to come out. Like I 0:03:30.840 --> 0:03:34.480 think about some of the biggest, you know, mental breakthroughs 0:03:34.480 --> 0:03:36.480 in my own life that I've had, have come from 0:03:36.680 --> 0:03:39.400 these sorts of conversations with my girlfriends where we think 0:03:39.440 --> 0:03:41.880 we're talking about nothing, but oh my goodness, we wind 0:03:41.960 --> 0:03:45.240 up talking about these major life events that really shaped us. 0:03:45.440 --> 0:03:49.720 Absolutely, it's like unscripted vulnerability, right, yeah, absolutely, Well, we're 0:03:49.800 --> 0:03:52.560 chitchatting today and we have a really special guest. 0:03:53.720 --> 0:03:55.840 I can't wait to yap with her. 0:03:55.960 --> 0:03:58.400 Tika Sumter has been dominating at the box office in 0:03:58.440 --> 0:04:01.840 the mega hit franchise son the Hedgehog, but you've seen 0:04:01.920 --> 0:04:03.560 her so many other places. 0:04:03.600 --> 0:04:05.360 You've seen her on Mixed Dish, You've seen. 0:04:05.240 --> 0:04:07.720 Her on Gossip Girl, One Life to Live, the Haves 0:04:07.720 --> 0:04:10.880 and the have nots. She even start along Snoop Dogg 0:04:10.960 --> 0:04:13.720 in a sports comedy film named The Underdogs. 0:04:13.880 --> 0:04:16.720 I'm still stuck on Sonic the Hedgehog, though my boys 0:04:16.760 --> 0:04:19.160 are absolutely obsessed. When I told them that we're talking 0:04:19.240 --> 0:04:22.040 to sonic's mommy today, they just flipped out. 0:04:22.320 --> 0:04:24.640 So she's a complete hero in my household. 0:04:25.240 --> 0:04:28.200 And now she's actually building her own entertainment empire that's 0:04:28.200 --> 0:04:31.920 focused on children's education. Tica's co created a new podcast 0:04:31.920 --> 0:04:35.640 with her husband called Adventures of Curiosity Cove and it's 0:04:35.680 --> 0:04:39.200 designed to help kids learn about the process of managing 0:04:39.200 --> 0:04:41.560 their emotions. And it was actually inspired by her eight 0:04:41.640 --> 0:04:44.200 year old daughter, Ella, and Ella is a huge fan 0:04:44.240 --> 0:04:46.160 of the podcast. So I just love that this is 0:04:46.680 --> 0:04:49.960 a family affair. And next month, TKA's releasing her debut 0:04:50.040 --> 0:04:52.400 children's book called I Got It from My Mama. 0:04:52.640 --> 0:04:54.040 It's so good. 0:04:54.440 --> 0:04:57.120 I got to read the book and the main character's 0:04:57.200 --> 0:05:00.560 name is based off of her daughter Ella. Her name 0:05:00.600 --> 0:05:03.800 is Ella the Curious, which you know, I love. I 0:05:03.839 --> 0:05:06.120 think it's so special that she creates content with her 0:05:06.160 --> 0:05:06.800 daughter in mind. 0:05:06.839 --> 0:05:10.920 You know, Oh completely, that's the dream come true. We'll 0:05:10.920 --> 0:05:13.640 stick around, y'all. We'll be right back with Tica Sumter. 0:05:18.600 --> 0:05:20.040 Tico. Welcome to the bright Side. 0:05:20.279 --> 0:05:22.800 Thank you, thank you for having me. I'm excited to 0:05:22.839 --> 0:05:23.839 be on the bright side. 0:05:24.320 --> 0:05:25.240 Welcome, Welcome. 0:05:25.880 --> 0:05:27.960 I am looking forward to the major street cred that 0:05:27.960 --> 0:05:30.000 I'm going to get with my four year old for talking. 0:05:29.680 --> 0:05:32.560 To Maddie from Sonic. He is going to flip out. 0:05:32.600 --> 0:05:35.240 Sonic is like a religion in our house, so this 0:05:35.360 --> 0:05:36.760 is a big moment for me as a mom. 0:05:37.320 --> 0:05:41.480 We'll tell him Sonic's mom. Maddie says, hello, I will 0:05:41.600 --> 0:05:43.360 Oh my gosh, I gonna love it. 0:05:43.640 --> 0:05:44.799 Yeah, that's so cool. 0:05:45.400 --> 0:05:45.599 Yeah. 0:05:45.680 --> 0:05:47.479 Well, we're going to get into Sonic of it later. 0:05:47.560 --> 0:05:49.839 But in addition to being a leading lady at the 0:05:49.839 --> 0:05:53.520 box office, you recently began creating content that's geared toward 0:05:53.640 --> 0:05:57.720 early childhood development and entertainment. And we know that there's 0:05:57.800 --> 0:06:00.440 a ton of kids programming out there, right. I'm sure 0:06:00.480 --> 0:06:02.520 that you were aware of that how saturated the market 0:06:02.560 --> 0:06:05.560 was before jumping in, But what did you think was 0:06:05.640 --> 0:06:08.239 missing as a mother, Like what gaps were you trying 0:06:08.279 --> 0:06:08.640 to fill? 0:06:09.240 --> 0:06:12.440 Yeah, to be honest, when we were listening to some 0:06:12.520 --> 0:06:16.080 of the podcasts that are out there now, they're different 0:06:16.160 --> 0:06:21.400 genres of kids entertainment, right, Like some is more for history, 0:06:21.680 --> 0:06:25.479 and I wanted more emotional intelligence and broader stories. 0:06:25.520 --> 0:06:27.640 It's not just one specific kind of stories. 0:06:28.000 --> 0:06:30.880 We have one series in there, but then everything else 0:06:31.000 --> 0:06:34.080 is just dealing with different kinds of emotions that come. 0:06:34.040 --> 0:06:34.680 Up for kids. 0:06:35.040 --> 0:06:37.240 And because this is what we do, we knew that 0:06:37.839 --> 0:06:41.360 we could give a good listening experience to kids, not 0:06:41.400 --> 0:06:45.000 only just through sound, but also we are creators, we 0:06:45.080 --> 0:06:47.560 write stories, we are writers as well, and I knew 0:06:47.600 --> 0:06:50.480 production value was I wanted to give that to kids. 0:06:50.800 --> 0:06:53.520 And I also I knew I was onto something when 0:06:53.520 --> 0:06:55.880 Ella was like, hey, Mom, can we listen to Adventures 0:06:55.880 --> 0:06:58.800 of Curiosity Cove? And I'm like again, And it also 0:06:58.920 --> 0:07:02.359 helped start conversation. That's what I knew something was different. 0:07:02.520 --> 0:07:05.160 It wasn't just like geared toward Hey, this is only 0:07:05.160 --> 0:07:07.400 for my kid, it's going to be annoying to listen 0:07:07.440 --> 0:07:11.040 to this with them, but it was something for everybody 0:07:11.080 --> 0:07:12.000 if they wanted to listen. 0:07:12.000 --> 0:07:14.800 To tell me about the kind of conversations that it 0:07:14.840 --> 0:07:15.760 sparked in your home. 0:07:16.560 --> 0:07:16.960 Yeah. 0:07:17.120 --> 0:07:20.120 So my husband wrote the story called The Dragon, and 0:07:20.200 --> 0:07:24.080 it's basically about this little boy who is basically going 0:07:24.400 --> 0:07:26.880 through the woods to walk to school. But every time 0:07:26.880 --> 0:07:29.800 he walks to school, he's afraid. He's afraid of the woods, 0:07:29.840 --> 0:07:32.000 you know, it makes these noises. And one day he 0:07:32.040 --> 0:07:34.800 meets his dragon, and the dragon is actually a representation 0:07:34.880 --> 0:07:37.280 of fear and one of the conversations that came out 0:07:37.320 --> 0:07:39.720 of that, which was very random, well, I don't know 0:07:39.720 --> 0:07:41.840 if it was random. My daughter Ella was sitting in 0:07:41.880 --> 0:07:43.640 the back. She goes, Mom, what's your biggest fear? 0:07:44.240 --> 0:07:44.440 You know? 0:07:44.600 --> 0:07:47.480 And then she asked her dad, and then we asked 0:07:47.480 --> 0:07:50.120 her what her biggest fear was, and she had an answer. 0:07:50.440 --> 0:07:53.640 And so with all of that, I'm like, whoa, Like 0:07:54.160 --> 0:07:57.800 just that fun story. It brought that up, and she 0:07:57.840 --> 0:07:59.240 asked me what my biggest fear was? 0:07:59.480 --> 0:08:01.600 Are you sure this as a children's podcast and not 0:08:01.800 --> 0:08:05.680 for adults, because I feel like I could benefit from it, 0:08:05.720 --> 0:08:08.360 and I'm sure ten people I know could as well 0:08:08.600 --> 0:08:09.800 who are fully grown. 0:08:10.040 --> 0:08:12.360 Oh my yes. And that's the point, right. 0:08:12.400 --> 0:08:14.400 I think that was the difference in the marketplace is 0:08:14.840 --> 0:08:16.840 we know what it's like to sit through something and 0:08:16.880 --> 0:08:19.120 being like I'm going to fall asleep or I'm. 0:08:18.920 --> 0:08:20.520 Just gonna go and look. 0:08:20.560 --> 0:08:22.840 I made it for when moms need a break or 0:08:22.920 --> 0:08:25.600 moms or parents or whoever need a break, and they're like, yes, 0:08:25.720 --> 0:08:28.360 go play with your toys and have this listening situation. 0:08:28.760 --> 0:08:31.800 Use your imagination. But it's also like we're in the car, 0:08:32.000 --> 0:08:32.680 we're out of the. 0:08:32.640 --> 0:08:34.880 Pickup line, kids don't want to talk about their day 0:08:34.880 --> 0:08:37.680 at school because we used to just get yeah, everything 0:08:37.720 --> 0:08:40.280 was fine, you know, so now it's like more of 0:08:40.280 --> 0:08:41.000 a conversation. 0:08:41.280 --> 0:08:43.160 I'd be fighting for my life in that pickup line. 0:08:43.200 --> 0:08:43.960 So thank you. 0:08:46.520 --> 0:08:48.920 I feel like if you give kids the space to 0:08:49.000 --> 0:08:53.000 actually talk, yes, they're almost like the mini Socrates of 0:08:53.040 --> 0:08:55.959 our time. I feel like if you actually pay attention 0:08:56.000 --> 0:08:58.480 and don't try to shush them so much. Our thing 0:08:58.600 --> 0:09:00.720 was like we were rushing through life all time. And 0:09:00.760 --> 0:09:02.720 when you rush through life like that, I know it's 0:09:02.800 --> 0:09:05.280 hard for a lot of parents. But sometimes when you 0:09:05.320 --> 0:09:07.720 give them just space to breathe and be silent or 0:09:07.800 --> 0:09:09.760 just listening. And that's what we wanted to do, is 0:09:09.800 --> 0:09:14.160 spark imagination, spark things that maybe you never get to 0:09:14.200 --> 0:09:16.200 talk about with your kid and you didn't even know 0:09:16.200 --> 0:09:17.760 they were thinking it. And I think if you just 0:09:17.800 --> 0:09:21.640 give them a moment, like mister Rogers he said, sometimes 0:09:21.679 --> 0:09:25.080 when they're talking slow, they're getting their thoughts, like it 0:09:25.160 --> 0:09:28.400 takes them a moment and ed, we're so like, what 0:09:28.720 --> 0:09:30.840 say the answer? Say the answer, you know, and we 0:09:30.880 --> 0:09:34.120 don't give them space to just like assess. 0:09:34.360 --> 0:09:35.760 So I think that was really important. 0:09:35.960 --> 0:09:40.760 Things that's such a beautiful learning to take away for anybody. 0:09:40.840 --> 0:09:45.480 I'm curious what creating this podcast and these books have 0:09:46.000 --> 0:09:48.720 taught you about how you understand your own feelings and 0:09:48.760 --> 0:09:50.800 how you manage them when you were a kid. 0:09:52.840 --> 0:09:54.880 Feelings. I don't even know what that is as a kid. 0:09:57.240 --> 0:10:00.240 I mean, I don't know. It was more of a like, go. 0:10:00.240 --> 0:10:01.960 Do what I told you to do because I said, so, 0:10:02.520 --> 0:10:02.920 that's thee. 0:10:03.040 --> 0:10:03.800 That was the answer. 0:10:03.960 --> 0:10:07.000 And sometimes there are moments where it's like why because 0:10:07.040 --> 0:10:08.880 I said, go, you need to go clean your room 0:10:08.960 --> 0:10:09.480 right now. 0:10:09.320 --> 0:10:13.360 There is no explanation of why. Like sometimes that's just what. 0:10:13.240 --> 0:10:16.320 It is, right, I'm laughing because I was raised by 0:10:16.360 --> 0:10:19.480 a black mom too, and that's just what it was. 0:10:19.600 --> 0:10:22.840 There was no fighting and what it was you crying. 0:10:22.840 --> 0:10:24.800 Well, I'm gonna give you something to cry about, like 0:10:25.400 --> 0:10:27.559 you know what I mean, like all those things that we. 0:10:27.600 --> 0:10:28.440 Know very well. 0:10:28.720 --> 0:10:31.600 And so I was just like or the look, you know, 0:10:31.760 --> 0:10:34.200 like uh uh. And I always say like I don't 0:10:34.200 --> 0:10:36.640 want to obviously my mom is my best friend, and 0:10:36.960 --> 0:10:40.000 don't demonize her ever, But what I will say is it. 0:10:39.960 --> 0:10:40.680 Was a different time. 0:10:41.120 --> 0:10:43.920 She just didn't have time to do all that conversation stuff, 0:10:44.320 --> 0:10:46.439 and I just said I wanted to raise my child 0:10:46.480 --> 0:10:48.560 a little bit different. Now I do have those moments 0:10:48.600 --> 0:10:51.679 of girl, if you don't, if you don't right now, 0:10:52.240 --> 0:10:54.400 you know, the conversation's a little too long. 0:10:54.679 --> 0:10:57.960 And no, well we have to mention that your mom 0:10:58.080 --> 0:11:00.720 was a corrections officer at Riker's and you're one of 0:11:00.800 --> 0:11:04.160 seven kids, so you had a full house, like there 0:11:04.200 --> 0:11:06.160 was a lot going on with a little Tika. 0:11:07.040 --> 0:11:07.280 Yes. 0:11:07.640 --> 0:11:11.560 No, everything you're saying, Tica is resonating. I was raised 0:11:11.559 --> 0:11:15.040 by a mom who like spanked me and all that stuff, 0:11:15.080 --> 0:11:18.959 and it's like now raising kids in this age, it 0:11:19.000 --> 0:11:22.640 feels like we have choices now as to how we parent. Yep, 0:11:22.920 --> 0:11:25.760 the conversation and the approaches and the philosophies have really 0:11:25.800 --> 0:11:29.400 opened up. And while I think gentle parenting works for 0:11:29.480 --> 0:11:32.840 gentle kids, I think that there's some there are some 0:11:33.040 --> 0:11:36.000 aspects of gentle parenting that I'm trying to incorporate into 0:11:36.080 --> 0:11:38.040 my overall approach. 0:11:38.600 --> 0:11:40.160 Exactly. I feel like it's a mixture. 0:11:40.160 --> 0:11:42.240 I don't think it's all one thing, right, Yeah, I 0:11:42.240 --> 0:11:44.000 don't think it's for me. I know I'm not an 0:11:44.040 --> 0:11:47.320 all gentle parenting person. That's just not me same, but 0:11:47.400 --> 0:11:50.480 I do. What I do like about it is teaching 0:11:50.559 --> 0:11:54.360 your kid boundaries and teaching them respecting what they have 0:11:54.400 --> 0:11:57.440 to say, because they're not just these little robots walking 0:11:57.480 --> 0:12:00.400 around with nothing in their brains, Like you know, they 0:12:00.440 --> 0:12:03.040 have genius in there, and so I feel like if 0:12:03.040 --> 0:12:06.840 you don't create a world in which they can express 0:12:06.920 --> 0:12:10.280 that genius or that emotional intelligence, it gets harder as 0:12:10.280 --> 0:12:11.120 an adult to do it. 0:12:11.280 --> 0:12:13.599 The big thing for me that I've realized that I 0:12:14.400 --> 0:12:17.840 missed from my own relationship with my mother was the repair, 0:12:18.920 --> 0:12:21.800 you know, like after she would kind of overstep as 0:12:21.840 --> 0:12:24.760 a mom or lose her temper as I do often, 0:12:24.800 --> 0:12:27.960 you know, I'm human. There was no apology that came after, 0:12:28.120 --> 0:12:30.880 but I found that like, just taking that time to 0:12:31.240 --> 0:12:34.520 apologize to my kids, have that real conversation has been 0:12:34.600 --> 0:12:37.359 like so beautiful for our relationship. 0:12:38.040 --> 0:12:40.199 Listen, that's a huge part of your book. 0:12:40.480 --> 0:12:41.679 That's a huge part of my book. 0:12:41.760 --> 0:12:44.920 I Got It from My Mama is literally about this 0:12:45.040 --> 0:12:47.320 little girl who's like she's trying to be like her 0:12:47.360 --> 0:12:50.240 mom throughout the whole book. Right then her mom has 0:12:50.320 --> 0:12:52.800 a challenging moment and yells at her hands, like get 0:12:52.840 --> 0:12:55.840 out the kitchen, I'm done, and they have a quiet 0:12:55.920 --> 0:12:59.280 ride to school, and then she goes to school and 0:12:59.360 --> 0:13:01.960 literally is exactly what her mom did at home to 0:13:02.040 --> 0:13:05.959 a friend and she yells at this friend and her 0:13:05.960 --> 0:13:08.120 mom comes and picks her up and she's like, hey, 0:13:08.160 --> 0:13:09.920 how was your day. She's like it was okay, and 0:13:10.160 --> 0:13:12.719 she tells her what happened, and she's like the mom's like, 0:13:12.760 --> 0:13:13.800 where'd you get that from? 0:13:13.840 --> 0:13:16.200 And she's like, I got it from you, mama, and 0:13:16.320 --> 0:13:17.160 just like you said. 0:13:16.960 --> 0:13:20.120 Oof, she gets she bends down and she apologizes to 0:13:20.160 --> 0:13:23.000 her child. So the repair is there, And I think 0:13:23.080 --> 0:13:25.760 that's the difference now, right, Like we're gonna mess up, 0:13:25.800 --> 0:13:28.240 we know that, yeah, but it's the repair. 0:13:28.320 --> 0:13:32.360 It's making it. Heyugh, I made a mistake. 0:13:33.000 --> 0:13:35.360 I was in a moment or whatever that was, or 0:13:35.400 --> 0:13:39.240 here's why. And they repair and it basically ends with like, 0:13:40.040 --> 0:13:41.200 you know, I get a lot I want to be 0:13:41.240 --> 0:13:42.839 like my mama, but I also want to be a 0:13:42.880 --> 0:13:45.880 lot like me. Like me is also great, and so 0:13:45.880 --> 0:13:50.079 so sometimes I think what happens is we obviously hold 0:13:50.080 --> 0:13:53.480 our parents on this pedestal and we think they're just like, 0:13:53.600 --> 0:13:56.559 especially when you're young, it's like they're kind of untouchable, 0:13:56.679 --> 0:13:59.280 and then you see the fallibility of them who they are, 0:13:59.320 --> 0:14:02.160 and you're like whoa, because you start seeing it in 0:14:02.200 --> 0:14:05.040 your own life. The quicker they know that you're not 0:14:05.200 --> 0:14:08.080 this like golden statue, I think the better for me it. 0:14:07.960 --> 0:14:11.600 Is what did you get from your mama at Tika? 0:14:11.679 --> 0:14:14.640 What are you repairing? Ooh, that's good? 0:14:14.880 --> 0:14:15.920 What am I repairing? 0:14:16.679 --> 0:14:20.080 I think for me, like I remember now, like I 0:14:20.200 --> 0:14:24.040 used to chase my mom for validation, like even now, 0:14:24.120 --> 0:14:26.880 like you're like, does my mom like it? 0:14:26.960 --> 0:14:28.000 Like if she said it. 0:14:27.920 --> 0:14:30.480 Was okay and good, then I thought it was good, right, 0:14:30.520 --> 0:14:32.800 Like I remember wanting to She used to works corrections 0:14:32.840 --> 0:14:35.000 and she would come home and I would just clean 0:14:35.040 --> 0:14:36.960 the house. You know, I did something good for you, 0:14:37.240 --> 0:14:40.040 Like I always wanted her to be like wow. And 0:14:40.080 --> 0:14:42.840 so for me getting older, I had to create a 0:14:42.880 --> 0:14:45.680 boundary for myself for knowing that everything I do is 0:14:45.840 --> 0:14:48.920 enough for me and my family now like I created 0:14:48.920 --> 0:14:52.680 my own family and it has nothing to do with 0:14:52.800 --> 0:14:54.240 getting the okay. 0:14:53.920 --> 0:14:55.720 For my mom. That was a hard one. 0:14:55.760 --> 0:14:58.040 It was almost like taking the umbilical court away from me, 0:14:58.400 --> 0:15:00.720 because I really do love. 0:15:00.560 --> 0:15:01.400 My mom's opinion. 0:15:01.480 --> 0:15:04.720 But sometimes I think parents getting in the mix of 0:15:04.800 --> 0:15:09.400 our relationships can be detrimental to the relationship boundaries, boundaries, 0:15:09.600 --> 0:15:12.080 and ourselves, not even just relationships, it's like our own 0:15:12.120 --> 0:15:15.920 relationship with ourselves right, Like chasing after that validation is 0:15:15.920 --> 0:15:18.680 the repair for me of Like, while I value the 0:15:18.760 --> 0:15:21.760 opinion at times, I don't need it all the time anymore. 0:15:21.840 --> 0:15:23.800 Mm hmm, that's so real. 0:15:23.880 --> 0:15:26.600 I used to joke with my girlfriends that my mom's 0:15:26.720 --> 0:15:28.960 opinion mattered so much to me. I have brown hair, 0:15:29.000 --> 0:15:31.280 but if she told me I had purple hair, I'd 0:15:31.320 --> 0:15:32.720 be like, oh, yeah, I have purple hair. 0:15:32.960 --> 0:15:35.280 Like what she said was gospel. 0:15:35.400 --> 0:15:37.920 And it's so hard when you grow up like that 0:15:38.080 --> 0:15:39.560 to take yourself out of that. 0:15:39.640 --> 0:15:41.080 I still struggle sometimes. 0:15:41.840 --> 0:15:43.840 Oh my gosh, if she comes in my house and 0:15:43.880 --> 0:15:45.800 she doesn't say anything about my hair, I'm like, she 0:15:45.800 --> 0:15:48.680 hates my hair, she doesn't like my she doesn't like 0:15:48.680 --> 0:15:50.360 my hair. Or when she calls me and she's like, 0:15:50.400 --> 0:15:52.960 oh my god, girl, that was amazing what you wore 0:15:53.000 --> 0:15:55.240 and then doesn't say anything else about anything, I'm like, wait. 0:15:55.080 --> 0:15:56.680 So only that one time, you know. 0:15:56.720 --> 0:15:59.800 It's so crazy how wrapped up we are in there, 0:15:59.840 --> 0:16:03.760 like cocoon. It feels like for life, but kind of untangling. 0:16:03.800 --> 0:16:06.160 It is also very nice. 0:16:06.240 --> 0:16:10.440 You've written such a beautiful book. And as I was 0:16:10.480 --> 0:16:13.160 reading the description, there's a few lines that stood out 0:16:13.160 --> 0:16:16.560 to me, and one of them is because parenting is 0:16:16.640 --> 0:16:20.760 never perfect. Why was it important for you to include 0:16:20.800 --> 0:16:22.120 that line? 0:16:23.040 --> 0:16:26.400 It was important because my parenting, I know, isn't like. 0:16:26.360 --> 0:16:31.600 I knew, literally how while I knew how imperfect I was, 0:16:31.840 --> 0:16:35.520 is literally my daughter. I give birth to my daughter 0:16:35.600 --> 0:16:39.760 and I'm like, literally, not even that long after, I'm like, 0:16:40.200 --> 0:16:42.800 so we need therapy, like my husband and I I'm like, 0:16:42.960 --> 0:16:46.040 I know I have baggage, I know I'm a mess. 0:16:46.280 --> 0:16:48.640 I just know that parenting isn't perfect and your kid 0:16:48.680 --> 0:16:50.840 doesn't need you to be perfect. And I wanted to 0:16:50.920 --> 0:16:55.080 validate that for parents and for aunties and all of it, 0:16:55.120 --> 0:16:58.000 for Godmothers, for all of it, Like, kids do not 0:16:58.160 --> 0:16:59.840 need you to be perfect. They need you to show 0:16:59.920 --> 0:17:02.280 up and they need you to listen, and they need 0:17:02.320 --> 0:17:02.960 you to be there. 0:17:03.320 --> 0:17:04.400 But I just wanted to. 0:17:04.359 --> 0:17:07.639 Give parents the past to say today was not a 0:17:07.680 --> 0:17:11.560 good day, and that's okay, and even through that, you're 0:17:11.600 --> 0:17:14.840 teaching your kid that's just not realistic that every single 0:17:14.920 --> 0:17:17.920 day is going to be like this perfect brand of parenting. 0:17:19.560 --> 0:17:21.960 I read this book last year called Real Self Care 0:17:22.040 --> 0:17:24.800 by Pooja Lakshmin, and it was honestly a big game 0:17:24.920 --> 0:17:28.600 changer for me mentally. And there's this one phrase that 0:17:28.880 --> 0:17:31.160 is in the book. She calls this idea the good 0:17:31.240 --> 0:17:35.240 enough mother, and there are some principles that she says 0:17:35.280 --> 0:17:37.680 the good enough mother lives by. She says, I'm okay 0:17:37.720 --> 0:17:41.840 with making mistakes. I'm not defined by being selfish or selfless. 0:17:42.320 --> 0:17:46.320 I can extend the compassion I give to others to myself. 0:17:46.359 --> 0:17:50.080 And so the framing of being a good enough mom 0:17:50.400 --> 0:17:53.800 has been so helpful for me to just own and 0:17:53.920 --> 0:17:58.720 helpful as I try to move away from that impossible 0:17:58.760 --> 0:17:59.960 standard of perfectionist. 0:18:00.560 --> 0:18:03.280 Well, I even think if you're not a mom, right, like, 0:18:03.320 --> 0:18:05.480 if you're just in general a woman. 0:18:06.080 --> 0:18:08.280 And because we're usually rough on ourselves the most, I 0:18:08.320 --> 0:18:08.800 feel like I. 0:18:08.720 --> 0:18:10.760 Feel like guys are able to be like, hmmm, I 0:18:10.760 --> 0:18:12.280 look amazing or I'm great. 0:18:12.200 --> 0:18:14.920 You know, even when they don't, even when they. 0:18:14.920 --> 0:18:17.120 But I'm like, can I have some of that? Because 0:18:17.400 --> 0:18:17.959 I want that? 0:18:19.080 --> 0:18:23.760 And so I always say things like, hey, Tico, would 0:18:23.800 --> 0:18:26.080 you talk to your best friend like that. Would you 0:18:26.119 --> 0:18:29.320 tell your best friend the things you're telling yourself? Absolutely not. 0:18:29.840 --> 0:18:33.080 Would I tell my daughter that? No, absolutely not. So 0:18:33.119 --> 0:18:37.880 it helped me to like reevaluate, reassess how not only 0:18:37.920 --> 0:18:41.840 do I give myself the space to be like, Look, 0:18:42.160 --> 0:18:44.680