WEBVTT - How to Heal, Let Go, and Find Faith | Dr. Thema Bryant 0:00:00.080 --> 0:00:03.560 From very early on, we get bombarded with these messages 0:00:03.680 --> 0:00:05.800 of like how our hair should be, how our face 0:00:05.800 --> 0:00:08.240 should be, how we should dress, how our voice should be. 0:00:08.320 --> 0:00:11.280 Some people's trauma started so early. They're like, I never 0:00:11.400 --> 0:00:14.600 got to be whoever my authentic self is, but that 0:00:14.720 --> 0:00:17.920 I could come home for the first time, and I 0:00:17.960 --> 0:00:20.040 love helping people with that journey. 0:00:20.280 --> 0:00:24.560 Doctor Tamerbrian is a psychologist, author, professor, minister, and sacred 0:00:24.640 --> 0:00:27.600 artist who is leading the way and creating healthy relationships, 0:00:27.640 --> 0:00:31.000 healing traumas, and overcoming stress and impression. Her life changing 0:00:31.040 --> 0:00:34.159 books include Matters of the Heart, Homecoming, Reclame Yourself, and 0:00:34.200 --> 0:00:36.880 The Anti Racism Handbook. Is there a thin line between 0:00:36.880 --> 0:00:39.239 being disciplined and feeling like you're trying to control your 0:00:39.240 --> 0:00:39.920 life too much? 0:00:40.000 --> 0:00:43.720 The desire for control comes from trauma, when we have 0:00:43.960 --> 0:00:46.680 experienced moments of our lives when we were not in 0:00:46.760 --> 0:00:48.320 control and bad things happened. 0:00:48.360 --> 0:00:51.159 I was thinking about, obviously, everything that's happening in America 0:00:51.240 --> 0:00:54.520 right now, with ice and all of that. It's becoming 0:00:54.560 --> 0:00:58.120 more and more acceptable to just say extremely racist things 0:00:58.200 --> 0:00:59.520 on TV in public. 0:00:59.680 --> 0:01:03.560 Yeah, it absolutely is. You know, an inflated sense of 0:01:03.640 --> 0:01:08.680 self is developed to cover up for the insecurity and 0:01:08.760 --> 0:01:12.200 the fear of inferiority. You know, it is driven by 0:01:12.280 --> 0:01:17.679 that that just the presence of people who look, dress, 0:01:18.080 --> 0:01:22.319 talk differently is a threat to my existence. 0:01:22.600 --> 0:01:25.400 Welcome to a Really Good Cry podcast. A Really Good 0:01:25.440 --> 0:01:27.960 Cry is here to help you understand your body, feel 0:01:28.000 --> 0:01:30.880 confident in your skin, manage your emotions, and take back 0:01:30.920 --> 0:01:34.440 control of your health. Because growth doesn't always start with answers. 0:01:34.720 --> 0:01:38.080 Sometimes it starts with a really good cry. Tama, thank 0:01:38.120 --> 0:01:40.840 you so much for coming on the podcast. I have 0:01:41.440 --> 0:01:44.920 been researching and reading and listening to you for a while, 0:01:44.920 --> 0:01:48.400 and I am obsessed. I love the way that your 0:01:48.400 --> 0:01:50.600 words carry so much power. I know said this to 0:01:50.640 --> 0:01:53.960 you earlier, but I just feel your words deeply in 0:01:54.000 --> 0:01:56.400 my heart whenever i've heard you speak, and I'm just 0:01:56.440 --> 0:01:57.920 so honored and happy to have you here. 0:01:57.920 --> 0:02:00.480 So thank you so much, thank you, and thank you 0:02:00.520 --> 0:02:04.360 for the way you've been holding space for these real conversations, 0:02:04.600 --> 0:02:07.480 because I think a lot of times things stay very surface, 0:02:07.600 --> 0:02:10.520 and so it's beautiful like people who are willing to 0:02:10.639 --> 0:02:12.680 go into those deeper places. 0:02:13.040 --> 0:02:15.840 When I was reading your bio and your introduction that 0:02:15.880 --> 0:02:18.520 people said, I was like, you've done so much in 0:02:18.560 --> 0:02:21.520 your life, and I would love for you to just 0:02:21.560 --> 0:02:24.440 share how that journey started, where you started off, and 0:02:24.880 --> 0:02:27.079 the work that you it's brought you to now. I 0:02:27.080 --> 0:02:28.880 would love for you to share that journey with us. 0:02:29.200 --> 0:02:31.320 Sure, absolutely so. 0:02:32.040 --> 0:02:35.120 Growing up I was the daughter of two ministers, so 0:02:35.240 --> 0:02:36.480 then it all kind of makes sense. 0:02:36.520 --> 0:02:39.280 Yes, yes, is like in our. 0:02:39.200 --> 0:02:42.600 Community, in the African American community, people often would go 0:02:42.720 --> 0:02:45.639 to a minister or like a pastor before they would 0:02:45.720 --> 0:02:49.160 go to like a therapist or psychologist. And so growing 0:02:49.280 --> 0:02:52.880 up I saw my dad doing pastoral counseling and I 0:02:52.960 --> 0:02:56.000 always say, like, my first time working at like a 0:02:56.040 --> 0:03:00.480 crisis hotline was just my childhood home because people would 0:03:00.480 --> 0:03:03.360 call with all kinds of things, and it's like if 0:03:03.400 --> 0:03:05.560 there's not a parent home, they're just going to start talking. 0:03:06.240 --> 0:03:08.960 And it's funny how something you can get teased for 0:03:09.080 --> 0:03:12.200 can end up being a superpower. So growing up, I 0:03:12.240 --> 0:03:14.960 would have been called like a very sensitive kid, you know, 0:03:15.240 --> 0:03:18.399 just feeling things very deeply, and then you go into 0:03:18.440 --> 0:03:20.840 therapy and it's like, of course, right, of course you 0:03:20.919 --> 0:03:25.520 feel it deeply. And so as I grew up, my 0:03:26.200 --> 0:03:30.600 family operated in what we would call liberation theology. Which 0:03:30.760 --> 0:03:33.760 is it's not just for you the individual and God, 0:03:34.040 --> 0:03:38.560 but about your community and the collective. And so it 0:03:38.640 --> 0:03:43.360 turns out there's an aspect of psychology called liberation psychology, 0:03:43.960 --> 0:03:49.440 so to pay attention to contexts and systems and try 0:03:49.480 --> 0:03:54.640 to bring information to people, which is why like podcasts 0:03:54.640 --> 0:03:59.640 and books and social media help that this information isn't 0:03:59.680 --> 0:04:02.400 just like for the elite, but like for us to 0:04:02.440 --> 0:04:05.720 try to get the information to everyone so that we 0:04:05.840 --> 0:04:10.560 can live enhance lives. And so that was a big 0:04:10.600 --> 0:04:13.600 part of my growing up in Baltimore, Maryland. And then 0:04:13.920 --> 0:04:17.200 when I was like fourteen, my dad was elected to 0:04:17.240 --> 0:04:21.039 be a bishop in the African Methodist Church, and usually 0:04:21.120 --> 0:04:25.200 your first assignment is overseas, so we moved to Liberia, 0:04:25.240 --> 0:04:29.680 West Africa, which gave me like a global sense, like 0:04:29.720 --> 0:04:34.000 the world beyond Baltimore, but also beautifully let me see 0:04:34.600 --> 0:04:37.000 everyone in a position of authority look like me. 0:04:37.920 --> 0:04:38.240 Right. 0:04:38.320 --> 0:04:39.880 So it's one thing when people are like you could 0:04:39.880 --> 0:04:41.920 be anything you want to be, but if you don't 0:04:41.920 --> 0:04:44.800 see it, it doesn't feel real. But literally to go 0:04:44.880 --> 0:04:46.560 somewhere in the head of the bank and the head 0:04:46.600 --> 0:04:49.000 of the university and the head of the country, like 0:04:49.040 --> 0:04:52.320 are all your reflection. So I feel it really gave 0:04:52.400 --> 0:04:55.800 me that sense of confidence. So that years later when 0:04:55.839 --> 0:04:59.520 I ran for president of the American Psychological Association and 0:04:59.520 --> 0:05:02.000 people were like, what made you feel like you could win, 0:05:02.240 --> 0:05:03.080 I'm like, why not me? 0:05:03.400 --> 0:05:03.840 Right right? 0:05:04.920 --> 0:05:08.000 There has to be someone to lead, so, you know, 0:05:08.200 --> 0:05:13.880 being thoughtful about that, and so that's been my life's work, 0:05:13.920 --> 0:05:17.800 but with a focus on trauma recovery, So whether those 0:05:17.880 --> 0:05:22.640 traumas are childhood abuse or the trauma of oppression or war, 0:05:23.279 --> 0:05:25.360 helping people get through hard times. 0:05:25.560 --> 0:05:28.240 That's so beautiful. Wow, what a journey, and so much 0:05:28.240 --> 0:05:32.200 of what your parents taught you and that you lived 0:05:32.240 --> 0:05:35.719 through is just completely shaped who you are today. And 0:05:35.720 --> 0:05:38.040 they're so nice to carry parts of them in that way. 0:05:38.560 --> 0:05:41.560 It's especially beautiful. A little over a year ago, my 0:05:41.640 --> 0:05:46.240 mom transitioned from breast cancer, but I so feel her 0:05:46.520 --> 0:05:49.000 with me and like all of that wisdom with me. 0:05:49.080 --> 0:05:51.240 And as we were talking before about dance, she put 0:05:51.240 --> 0:05:54.160 me into dance class early, so whenever I'm dancing, I 0:05:54.240 --> 0:05:58.240 feel her. So it's a beautiful legacy. 0:05:57.800 --> 0:05:58.279 It is. 0:05:58.480 --> 0:06:00.560 And that I mean the fact that they've got into 0:06:00.600 --> 0:06:03.720 your life from such a young age. I think that 0:06:03.800 --> 0:06:08.599 really shapes you and creates such a different perspective to 0:06:08.680 --> 0:06:12.520 life and how you interact with people, things, what you 0:06:12.600 --> 0:06:15.080 see the world through. It's a different kind of lens 0:06:15.120 --> 0:06:17.840 that you get to experience it. How is your relationship 0:06:18.000 --> 0:06:20.320 with faith and God growing up? I know that's what 0:06:20.360 --> 0:06:22.560 you do now, but did it change and shift over 0:06:22.600 --> 0:06:24.400 the years from what you were brought up with? 0:06:24.720 --> 0:06:29.120 Yees. So one of the beautiful things I think about 0:06:29.160 --> 0:06:33.000 my journey is going through hard times makes you ask questions, 0:06:33.960 --> 0:06:37.800 right because and I think that's a part of like 0:06:37.880 --> 0:06:42.480 your faith formation to wonder right, to say like, I 0:06:42.680 --> 0:06:46.680 was told these things and then life shows up. And 0:06:46.720 --> 0:06:49.760 so instead of feeling bad for your questions or for 0:06:49.880 --> 0:06:53.240 your doubts, to say, like, now I'm making it my 0:06:53.360 --> 0:06:56.520 own right because it has to come alive in me 0:06:56.640 --> 0:06:59.320 if I'm told, you know that God is love and 0:06:59.360 --> 0:07:01.760 that God wants to help us, and then you know 0:07:01.800 --> 0:07:05.799 we have difficult times. So it's in that I think 0:07:05.839 --> 0:07:09.480 that I cultivated actually like a deeper faith, but also 0:07:10.160 --> 0:07:14.080 a transforming faith where I can I'm not put off 0:07:14.080 --> 0:07:17.800 by hard questions, you know, and appreciating the mystery because 0:07:17.800 --> 0:07:21.440 sometimes people give you those cookie cutter answers, and it's 0:07:21.520 --> 0:07:23.280 just like supposed to like shut you up, like if 0:07:23.280 --> 0:07:26.840 you're in grief and they're like God needed another angel, Like. 0:07:26.920 --> 0:07:28.760 No, that that doesn't work. 0:07:30.720 --> 0:07:35.600 Yes, So I appreciate the mystery for the things you 0:07:35.640 --> 0:07:39.000 know that I'm not certain about, and I also feel 0:07:39.520 --> 0:07:42.760 very certain about, like the presence of God and the 0:07:42.800 --> 0:07:47.840 sacredness of every person and our the joy in the 0:07:47.880 --> 0:07:48.880 fact that we have purpose. 0:07:49.120 --> 0:07:53.240 Yes, you have a podcast and a book called Homecoming. Yes, 0:07:53.480 --> 0:07:55.600 I would love to hear from your perspective, what does 0:07:55.680 --> 0:07:58.200 homecoming mean to you? And how do you see it? 0:07:59.200 --> 0:08:01.800 How do you see people for creating that in their life. 0:08:01.960 --> 0:08:07.280 Yes, so for me, the idea of being at home 0:08:07.360 --> 0:08:12.640 with yourself is really empowering. And stress and trauma and 0:08:12.720 --> 0:08:16.920 oppression all serve to disconnect us from ourselves. It's like 0:08:16.960 --> 0:08:19.760 if I'm not in myself, if I'm totally just focused 0:08:19.760 --> 0:08:22.240 on like what do you think or what'll make you happier, 0:08:22.320 --> 0:08:25.360 what will make you approve of me, then I'm not 0:08:25.480 --> 0:08:29.040 like operating in my power, my strength, my clarity. But 0:08:29.160 --> 0:08:32.640 from very early on, we get bombarded with these messages 0:08:33.120 --> 0:08:35.280 of like how our hair should be, how our face 0:08:35.280 --> 0:08:37.800 should be, how we should dress like to how our 0:08:37.880 --> 0:08:42.080 voice should be, you know. And so a part of 0:08:42.760 --> 0:08:47.520 healing and liberation is coming back to myself. And I 0:08:47.679 --> 0:08:50.280 like to say, cause some people's trauma started so early, 0:08:50.720 --> 0:08:54.120 they're like, I never got to be whoever my authentic 0:08:54.240 --> 0:08:56.560 self is, but that I could come home for the 0:08:56.600 --> 0:09:01.719 first time, and I love help people with that journey. 0:09:01.720 --> 0:09:04.600 Over the years of obviously seeing people and helping and 0:09:04.640 --> 0:09:07.920 treating them and in your own life, what are some 0:09:08.000 --> 0:09:10.760 of the key things you think is required for that 0:09:10.880 --> 0:09:14.079 process to actually create that in your life day to day, 0:09:14.360 --> 0:09:15.040 month to month. 0:09:15.320 --> 0:09:19.040 Yeah, I think a big part of it is our 0:09:19.520 --> 0:09:25.480 current circumstance because some of sometimes it's hard to heal 0:09:25.520 --> 0:09:30.440 from past wounds because we're in an ongoing situation of 0:09:30.559 --> 0:09:35.600 being stressed out and denied the truth of who we are. 0:09:35.960 --> 0:09:40.120 So a part of healing is actually in relationship and friendship. Right. 0:09:40.520 --> 0:09:43.720 It's like, when I'm in the presence of good people, 0:09:44.280 --> 0:09:48.840 I have some breathing room, I have permission to be myself. 0:09:49.120 --> 0:09:51.320 They're not expecting me to be a clone or to 0:09:51.520 --> 0:09:56.679 like just agree with them about everything. So healthy spaces, 0:09:56.720 --> 0:10:01.040 healthy relationships create an atmosphere that help us to come 0:10:01.080 --> 0:10:06.560 back to ourselves, right, And that's why some relationships we 0:10:06.640 --> 0:10:11.760 have to release because when we are with certain people, 0:10:12.160 --> 0:10:15.200 it keeps us disconnected. So it's like if I can't 0:10:15.240 --> 0:10:18.080 be free to being myself, like this isn't real. 0:10:18.720 --> 0:10:20.400 Yeah, because then you end up feeling like you're just 0:10:20.520 --> 0:10:23.360 trapped in a body in a mind that you it's 0:10:23.400 --> 0:10:25.960 almost like you're watching a movie constantly, or you're in 0:10:26.000 --> 0:10:27.120 a movie contry. 0:10:26.880 --> 0:10:31.880 Right, yeah, performing like sending my representative you know if 0:10:31.920 --> 0:10:34.240 I talk like this and do you know and I 0:10:34.320 --> 0:10:37.439 tell our students at Pepperdine where I teach, say, if 0:10:37.480 --> 0:10:40.320 you and their training become therapists. So the idea is, 0:10:40.760 --> 0:10:43.400 if you get to the point of graduation and you've 0:10:43.440 --> 0:10:47.240 lost yourself, we have robbed you. Right, if you think 0:10:47.320 --> 0:10:49.760 like to be taken seriously, I just have to like 0:10:49.960 --> 0:10:53.000 recite these things and have my little pants suit in 0:10:53.040 --> 0:10:56.480 my field and it's like where'd you go, like go, 0:10:56.840 --> 0:11:00.920 there is like richness in you. So I think we 0:11:01.040 --> 0:11:04.240 learn new information and we can integrate that, but at 0:11:04.280 --> 0:11:06.599 the core, like the special sauce is you. 0:11:06.840 --> 0:11:10.360 Yeah, how do you balance that though, between the rules 0:11:10.400 --> 0:11:14.440 and the regulations and the expectations of society. Of the 0:11:14.440 --> 0:11:17.240 people around you. Even if you have a call. Let's 0:11:17.240 --> 0:11:19.439 say your family are really supportive, you can be yourself 0:11:19.440 --> 0:11:22.079 with them, your partner, you can. But how does someone 0:11:22.400 --> 0:11:24.600 keep coming back to themselves when they go out into 0:11:24.600 --> 0:11:26.920 the world and they sometimes do have to put on 0:11:27.120 --> 0:11:29.400 a different suit, They do have to put their suit on, 0:11:29.520 --> 0:11:31.640 go to work, be a different type of person than 0:11:31.679 --> 0:11:34.720 they might be at home, Right, how do you keep 0:11:34.720 --> 0:11:35.839 bringing yourself back? 0:11:36.960 --> 0:11:40.319 So one is having like the nourishing time and space 0:11:40.760 --> 0:11:45.000 to remember yourself, right, Because if when I work, I'm 0:11:45.040 --> 0:11:48.160 pretending and then I've surrounded myself with friends with whom 0:11:48.200 --> 0:11:50.880 I have to pretend, then I'm going to lose I'm 0:11:50.880 --> 0:11:53.920 going to lose myself, right, And so you know, one 0:11:53.920 --> 0:11:56.480 example for me, I have this like sisterhood circle. We 0:11:56.559 --> 0:12:00.320 call ourselves the Gathering. It's so nice and you know, 0:12:00.440 --> 0:12:03.200 when we're in each other's presence, it's like holding up 0:12:03.200 --> 0:12:06.440 that mirror of like remember, like that's not you. And 0:12:06.559 --> 0:12:10.360 so you like need those voices and also like some 0:12:10.600 --> 0:12:14.240 time with yourself. I always say, like if you wake 0:12:14.320 --> 0:12:16.120 up at the time you have to get up, you're 0:12:16.160 --> 0:12:20.000 already starting your day anxious. Yes, right, totally, So it's 0:12:20.080 --> 0:12:22.600 like to have my tea, you know, to have some 0:12:22.800 --> 0:12:28.000 like moments, whether it's meditation, prayer, stretching, walking, watering plants, 0:12:28.040 --> 0:12:31.160 whatever it is, so that then when I go out 0:12:31.240 --> 0:12:34.800 in the world, I'm already grounded, right, so then I'm 0:12:34.840 --> 0:12:38.920 not so easily moved by other people's opinions. 0:12:39.160 --> 0:12:41.640 It's almost like what you need is it sounds so simple, 0:12:41.640 --> 0:12:45.200 but just the quietness of your own mind. Yeah, that's 0:12:45.559 --> 0:12:48.080 and it sounds so simple when oh yeah, I feel 0:12:48.120 --> 0:12:50.480 like I get that all the time. But actually, noise, 0:12:50.520 --> 0:12:53.440 it comes in so many forms. It's like energetically noise 0:12:53.480 --> 0:12:55.720 comes in what you'll see, everything that comes through your 0:12:55.760 --> 0:12:57.040 senses becomes noise. 0:12:57.240 --> 0:12:57.760 It does. 0:12:58.240 --> 0:13:01.160 And so how are you, like how you creating those pockets, 0:13:01.160 --> 0:13:04.480 whether it's like driving and not playing something or you know, 0:13:04.520 --> 0:13:06.760 I was saying that I was recording a podcast, yes, 0:13:06.800 --> 0:13:08.440 and I was saying I realized I went got to 0:13:08.480 --> 0:13:10.280 a point where I was taking my phone into the 0:13:10.320 --> 0:13:12.200 shower and I was like, those were my. 0:13:12.240 --> 0:13:17.080 Quiet tight it's all bombarding, yeah, constantly, so you know, 0:13:17.120 --> 0:13:19.360 and the and you know, giving ourselves grace because these 0:13:19.400 --> 0:13:22.480 phones are designed so like keep us, keep us, But 0:13:22.600 --> 0:13:25.800 then you know, even with some of the television platforms 0:13:25.800 --> 0:13:28.400 now where you can like watch the whole season, so 0:13:28.480 --> 0:13:34.280 it's like constant stimulation. And so then where's like my creativity, 0:13:34.559 --> 0:13:38.440 where's my mind and my thought? And which is why 0:13:38.520 --> 0:13:40.680 sometimes when we ask people like how are you feeling, 0:13:41.200 --> 0:13:43.640 we give that fine in you and then I say 0:13:43.640 --> 0:13:46.600 I'm fine, and like neither of us have life reflected 0:13:46.720 --> 0:13:48.839 or like well, no, like how am I doing? Actually 0:13:48.920 --> 0:13:53.000 I'm tired or I'm frustrated or I'm excited or whatever 0:13:53.080 --> 0:13:57.400 that is of like slowing down to see like what's 0:13:57.480 --> 0:13:59.240 really in my heart? 0:13:59.440 --> 0:14:01.600 It is interesting when you ask that question, actually because 0:14:01.640 --> 0:14:04.360 the natural response is I'm good, how are you doing? 0:14:04.800 --> 0:14:07.920 And actually when someone does suddenly say you know what, 0:14:08.200 --> 0:14:10.840 today's been a bit of a difficult day, you're almost like, oh, 0:14:11.880 --> 0:14:15.120 we're talking, We're really having a conversation. 0:14:15.520 --> 0:14:17.040 And it's not common. 0:14:18.520 --> 0:14:21.560 And sometimes you you know, you'd get the messaging that 0:14:21.600 --> 0:14:26.240 people aren't really asking, right, it's like yeah, yeah, as 0:14:26.280 --> 0:14:30.000 they walk away like oh fine, right, or in these 0:14:30.040 --> 0:14:32.640 religious spaces like I'm blessed, you know, with all the 0:14:32.800 --> 0:14:36.760 right language right, and it's like uh, because there was 0:14:36.800 --> 0:14:39.320 a saying too blessed to be stressed, and then we 0:14:39.360 --> 0:14:40.760 had to like push back on that and say you 0:14:40.760 --> 0:14:41.800 could be blessed. 0:14:41.440 --> 0:14:42.840 And stressed at the same time. 0:14:43.120 --> 0:14:46.640 Right, It's like I'm grateful and I'm also disappointed, right, 0:14:46.760 --> 0:14:47.560 so more. 0:14:47.720 --> 0:14:50.040 Room for yeah. 0:14:50.160 --> 0:14:52.960 Yeah, And on the note of duality of emotions, I 0:14:52.960 --> 0:14:55.920 always think about, Okay, what does it actually look like 0:14:56.000 --> 0:14:58.200 and feel like to be healed? Like, what does that 0:14:58.240 --> 0:15:00.840 look like? Because I think the way that we imagine 0:15:00.880 --> 0:15:03.840 it is, Oh, it's going to be very, very that's 0:15:03.840 --> 0:15:05.720 going to be great. I'm gonna get to a point 0:15:06.000 --> 0:15:09.120 where everything's going to feel easier, where everything's going to 0:15:09.160 --> 0:15:11.920 feel smoother. But like, what does heal then happy actually 0:15:11.920 --> 0:15:12.200 look like? 0:15:12.360 --> 0:15:12.880 Yeah? 0:15:13.200 --> 0:15:21.360 So healed is I am intentional so that I am 0:15:21.440 --> 0:15:25.320 being led by my best self instead of my wound. 0:15:26.080 --> 0:15:29.320 Right when I'm in my unhealed place, my wound is 0:15:29.360 --> 0:15:34.320 deciding for me. My insecurity is deciding for me, My 0:15:34.960 --> 0:15:39.640 anger is deciding for me. So, uh, healed also doesn't 0:15:39.680 --> 0:15:43.040 mean perfect, but it also means self aware enough that 0:15:43.200 --> 0:15:46.880 like I'll notice when I'm out of order it's like 0:15:47.000 --> 0:15:53.880 oh that, yeah, come on back. I'm more intentional, I'm 0:15:53.880 --> 0:15:58.160 more mindful. And also when the difficulties come that I 0:15:58.240 --> 0:16:02.200 can handle it better, that it's not so easy for 0:16:02.320 --> 0:16:05.720 something to like ruin my day or devastate my sense 0:16:05.760 --> 0:16:08.560 of myself, so I can put things in perspective. 0:16:09.560 --> 0:16:13.760 Do you think that knowing yourself has a direct correlation 0:16:14.000 --> 0:16:14.760 to being happy? 0:16:15.040 --> 0:16:20.080 You know, happiness is often circumstantial, right, but joyful like 0:16:20.120 --> 0:16:24.640 from that soulful place is like that rooted in that knowing, 0:16:25.120 --> 0:16:28.720 right in that clarity, So I can have joy even 0:16:28.760 --> 0:16:31.000 things aren't like perfect and it may not be like 0:16:31.080 --> 0:16:33.320 how I expect it to be, but like I can 0:16:33.400 --> 0:16:38.480 cultivate that within myself. So yeah, there's a freedom and 0:16:38.680 --> 0:16:44.480 joy in being who you are and accepting and appreciating 0:16:44.520 --> 0:16:47.240 who you are, because sometimes we think we know ourselves, 0:16:47.240 --> 0:16:50.640 but it's in that judgmental way of like I'm trash 0:16:51.440 --> 0:16:55.920 d all these things, but like in that loving, accepting way, 0:16:56.360 --> 0:16:59.560 you know, imperfections in all like I appreciate me. 0:17:00.440 --> 0:17:04.800 And on the opposite side of feeling disconnected, I wonder how, like, 0:17:04.920 --> 0:17:07.800 how does someone go from suddenly listening to this thinking, oh, 0:17:07.800 --> 0:17:12.240 I feel so disconnected from myself? How do I connect back? 0:17:12.320 --> 0:17:12.399 Like? 0:17:12.440 --> 0:17:14.280 What are the steps that I should be taking? What 0:17:14.320 --> 0:17:18.440 are the things I should be doing to come back home. 0:17:18.400 --> 0:17:21.400 Right, right, So one of the things is to know 0:17:21.960 --> 0:17:27.639 if you realize that you're disconnected. That's step one, right, 0:17:28.160 --> 0:17:31.720 because sometimes we're in denial or we're super busy, Like 0:17:31.800 --> 0:17:34.959 when you're busy and distracted, you don't even notice, and 0:17:35.040 --> 0:17:38.720 so like something happens that makes you realize, like I 0:17:38.800 --> 0:17:42.560 phrased it as I miss me right. I've been busy, 0:17:42.600 --> 0:17:47.240 maybe even productive, maybe even impressive, but I miss me right. 0:17:47.760 --> 0:17:51.040 And so to get back to myself, there's a form 0:17:51.080 --> 0:17:55.119 of a therapy called solutions focused therapy, and it basically 0:17:55.240 --> 0:17:57.880 is you reflect on the seasons in your life when 0:17:57.920 --> 0:18:01.159 you were doing the best, and then what were you 0:18:01.280 --> 0:18:04.800 doing during that time that you've lost sight of. That's nice, right, 0:18:05.080 --> 0:18:07.280 because we hold the solutions in us. It may be 0:18:07.840 --> 0:18:10.720 like when I was my best self, I was meditating more, 0:18:10.840 --> 0:18:13.159 or I was going on my daily walk, or I 0:18:13.240 --> 0:18:16.880 was eating better, and so let me reclaim the practices 0:18:17.240 --> 0:18:20.560 that are good for me, because when we're stressed or busy, 0:18:20.880 --> 0:18:25.119 we let those things go. And it's not sustainable. 0:18:24.560 --> 0:18:29.280 No, it's not at all. When you've been seeing people 0:18:29.320 --> 0:18:33.320 throughout your journey, what would you say the key you've 0:18:33.320 --> 0:18:38.600 noticed to maintaining fulfillment throughout your life. Yeah, deep fulfillment. 0:18:38.840 --> 0:18:42.000 And do you think that you've noticed it's always linked 0:18:42.000 --> 0:18:45.640 to a deeper spiritual practice or a connection to more 0:18:45.680 --> 0:18:46.880 than just ourself. 0:18:47.280 --> 0:18:55.560 Yes, yeah, So that fulfillment comes with purpose, comes with spirituality, 0:18:55.640 --> 0:18:59.959 and comes with relationship. Right, So with purpose, what are 0:19:00.119 --> 0:19:03.159 the things that when I'm doing them, I feel the 0:19:03.240 --> 0:19:06.960 most like me? Right that it's not like I'm chasing 0:19:07.040 --> 0:19:10.280 something or trying to prove something like this feels like me. 0:19:10.320 --> 0:19:13.520 It feels good to me. So when I'm doing that 0:19:14.080 --> 0:19:20.280 kind of living, purposeful living, it feels good. When I 0:19:20.320 --> 0:19:25.240 take time and intention around noticing the sacred, that's good. 0:19:25.640 --> 0:19:27.800 I always tell people when I moved out to La 0:19:27.880 --> 0:19:30.600 at first I was in awe of like the beach 0:19:30.680 --> 0:19:33.000 and the mountains, and you know, and then once you're 0:19:33.000 --> 0:19:34.480 here for a couple of years, you're just like on 0:19:34.560 --> 0:19:37.480 the four or five right driving past the mountains, you 0:19:37.480 --> 0:19:41.080 don't even notice, and so like to bring the awe back, 0:19:41.680 --> 0:19:45.600 you know, of like little kids laughing, or like elders 0:19:45.600 --> 0:19:48.879 telling a super long complicated story. You know, it's like 0:19:49.080 --> 0:19:54.920 that that is fulfilling and freeing. And then in our 0:19:55.040 --> 0:19:58.200 community and relationships being connected to each other. 0:19:59.080 --> 0:20:02.159 I love those. Yeah, definitely noticed the shift when I 0:20:02.200 --> 0:20:07.160 started appreciating the smallest things in life. Yes, like so much, 0:20:07.640 --> 0:20:10.120 like oh wow, that's a bird singing that is so beautiful. 0:20:10.240 --> 0:20:12.600 Oh my gosh, there's like this one flower on a tree. 0:20:12.600 --> 0:20:15.879 How amazing. Yes, But it takes what you said, noticing 0:20:16.040 --> 0:20:19.919 and actually being present, actually being aware of what's happening 0:20:19.960 --> 0:20:21.520 in your surrounding, yeah. 0:20:21.400 --> 0:20:24.439 And not taking it for granted, you know, which is 0:20:24.520 --> 0:20:28.399 so easy to do. And it's like to remember the time, 0:20:28.640 --> 0:20:32.040 like when it was more stressful and say like, oh wow, 0:20:32.440 --> 0:20:34.480 there was a there's a time where like we hoped 0:20:34.480 --> 0:20:36.880 and prayed for the things we have now. Yes, and 0:20:36.920 --> 0:20:39.800 then the way our human mind works is then we 0:20:39.880 --> 0:20:42.080 just go to the next uh. Right, It's like you 0:20:42.160 --> 0:20:44.439 make more and then you're like, but I don't have 0:20:44.520 --> 0:20:48.680 what they have, right, Or like all of our promotions 0:20:48.680 --> 0:20:52.800 in life and growth were that compare despair, right, So like, 0:20:52.920 --> 0:20:55.919 let me turn off the comparison or compare to my 0:20:56.040 --> 0:20:59.879 former self and say like, wow, I'm doing well. 0:21:00.520 --> 0:21:03.280 You mentioned this idea of busyness and how you can 0:21:03.560 --> 0:21:06.320 look like you're impressive, look like you're performing really well 0:21:07.560 --> 0:21:11.280 but actually could be so disconnected from who you actually are. 0:21:11.560 --> 0:21:14.960 I've noticed in my life that whenever I busy myself 0:21:15.000 --> 0:21:17.720 a lot, it makes me feel more in control, Like 0:21:17.800 --> 0:21:20.960 it makes me feel like even though, yes, okay, I'm 0:21:21.000 --> 0:21:23.439 really struggling here, but actually, if I busy myself in 0:21:23.480 --> 0:21:26.240 other people's lives, help them guide them, like do all 0:21:26.320 --> 0:21:29.040 those things for me, I'm like, oh, okay, I've got 0:21:29.040 --> 0:21:32.280 control over something. Where does this desire to just control 0:21:32.320 --> 0:21:32.840 come from? 0:21:32.960 --> 0:21:33.560 Yeah? 0:21:33.800 --> 0:21:39.440 So the desire for control comes from trauma that when 0:21:39.600 --> 0:21:42.840 we have experienced moments of our lives when we were 0:21:42.880 --> 0:21:45.560 not in control and bad things happened. So we're like, 0:21:45.800 --> 0:21:50.280 m not gonna have that happen again. If I can dictated, 0:21:50.720 --> 0:21:53.560 it will work out well. And if other people are 0:21:53.680 --> 0:21:57.000 in charge, sometimes they're gonna do things that don't go well. 0:21:57.560 --> 0:22:01.280 And so it's really like an anxiety or a fear 0:22:01.960 --> 0:22:04.880 that like, what would happen if I was still? What 0:22:04.880 --> 0:22:07.720 would happen if I rested? What would happen if I 0:22:07.800 --> 0:22:10.920 let somebody else do it, or even let someone else 0:22:10.960 --> 0:22:14.400 help me write? What would happen? And so it causes 0:22:14.480 --> 0:22:17.159 us to like look at those scripts we were told 0:22:17.640 --> 0:22:20.000