WEBVTT - The Return 0:00:09.280 --> 0:00:12.319 I think this is my seventh birthday, and this is 0:00:12.360 --> 0:00:15.840 the last birthday that I celebrated. For the eighth and 0:00:15.960 --> 0:00:19.800 ninth birthdays, I didn't celebrate it. My parents were saving 0:00:20.560 --> 0:00:24.440 for me to come here. This is right in our 0:00:24.480 --> 0:00:28.360 backyard underneath like the avocado trees, and there's a party 0:00:28.400 --> 0:00:32.240 outside my cat end that's playing in the back And 0:00:33.880 --> 0:00:38.040 those are my friends. That's my cousin. And out of 0:00:38.080 --> 0:00:41.360 all those boys, all of them have left and they're 0:00:41.360 --> 0:00:45.480 all in the United States. Oh, it's my grandpa. He's young, 0:00:46.320 --> 0:00:53.920 he's fatter, he still looks strong and very and very imposing. 0:00:54.280 --> 0:01:02.560 He's scary. 0:01:03.400 --> 0:01:12.399 Why she's so lively. 0:01:13.480 --> 0:01:16.080 My Grandma's like even like her hand motions and everything, 0:01:16.120 --> 0:01:18.720 she's very lively. 0:01:19.400 --> 0:01:20.800 She's like saying thank you. 0:01:21.920 --> 0:01:23.920 And the weird part is that she's talking to my 0:01:23.959 --> 0:01:25.800 mom and my dad in the United States, and she's like, 0:01:25.920 --> 0:01:31.360 I hope that this party met your expectations, like you 0:01:31.400 --> 0:01:35.360 gave us money to provide for your kid, and and 0:01:35.400 --> 0:01:37.480 we hope that you met your like saying that you 0:01:37.520 --> 0:01:51.200 had imagined in your head. She was like my mom, 0:01:51.240 --> 0:01:56.160 the coyote that brought me here. He would visit I 0:01:56.160 --> 0:01:59.880 think almost twice a year to see how old I was. 0:02:00.320 --> 0:02:02.720 He was gauging to see if I could make the trip, 0:02:03.840 --> 0:02:06.920 so we started this relationship. Last time I saw him, 0:02:06.960 --> 0:02:09.880 he said, next time, you just have to be ready, 0:02:10.560 --> 0:02:13.560 and I had my bags just waiting. I knew that 0:02:13.600 --> 0:02:15.160 I was going to leave, it just didn't know when. 0:02:19.120 --> 0:02:20.799 And I don't remember what day it was, but then 0:02:20.840 --> 0:02:24.080 my grandpa woke me up and it's like, you have 0:02:24.120 --> 0:02:29.760 to go shower now. My aunt and my grandma made 0:02:29.800 --> 0:02:33.120 breakfast and they were crying. My grandpa and I walked 0:02:33.120 --> 0:02:37.040 out the door and it was dawn and the dogs 0:02:37.040 --> 0:02:41.000 were barking, and the sun hadn't broken through yet, so 0:02:41.040 --> 0:02:45.520 it was like this blueish tint all over and I 0:02:45.600 --> 0:02:47.680 just walked out onto the road and took a left 0:02:48.639 --> 0:02:50.320 all the way to the pier, which is where the 0:02:50.320 --> 0:02:54.120 buses stopped, and so in that that was the last 0:02:54.120 --> 0:03:00.240 time that I walked through my entire town. My grandpa 0:03:00.560 --> 0:03:07.320 left me and Watemala, and we had stayed there for 0:03:07.440 --> 0:03:11.160 fifteen days. But my grandpa couldn't go anymore. So I 0:03:11.160 --> 0:03:15.080 remember him walking us to the bus and I was 0:03:15.080 --> 0:03:18.480 the last one to get on, and I was saying 0:03:18.480 --> 0:03:22.000 goodbye to my Grandpa and he was wearing a white 0:03:22.120 --> 0:03:28.000 polo shirt, black shoes and black belt and blue jeans, 0:03:28.760 --> 0:03:31.960 and he was in the middle of the road and he. 0:03:31.960 --> 0:03:32.600 Was just waving. 0:03:35.560 --> 0:03:38.920 When I left, I wasn't thinking about the time apart 0:03:38.960 --> 0:03:41.920 from them. I was mostly happy that I was en 0:03:42.000 --> 0:03:45.000 route to be reunited with my parents. It wasn't until 0:03:45.080 --> 0:03:47.720 much later that I began to understand that I wasn't 0:03:47.720 --> 0:03:49.360 going to see with my grandparents again. 0:03:56.560 --> 0:04:01.200 From Fudromedia and PRX, It's Latino USA. I'm Mariano JSA 0:04:01.400 --> 0:04:13.240 and today the return. Twenty years ago, poet and writer 0:04:13.520 --> 0:04:18.839 Javier Samora traveled to the US Mexico border as a child, 0:04:19.640 --> 0:04:22.640 a life changing journey that haavi had ended up writing 0:04:22.640 --> 0:04:26.880 about in his book of poetry It's called Unaccompanied. It 0:04:26.960 --> 0:04:30.919 garnered a lot of attention for Haavied. In fact, it 0:04:31.000 --> 0:04:35.279 got him a Northern California Book Award and a fellowship 0:04:35.480 --> 0:04:47.400 at Harvard. Then, on January eighth, twenty eighteen, Faviert woke 0:04:47.480 --> 0:04:51.080 up to a phone call from his mom, and again 0:04:51.600 --> 0:04:55.080 things would drastically change for him and for his family. 0:04:55.640 --> 0:04:59.120 She was crying, saying he announced it. Give what I said? 0:05:00.000 --> 0:05:03.880 Good said, what are we going to do. 0:05:04.800 --> 0:05:07.599 Trump had just announced that he would not be renewing 0:05:07.640 --> 0:05:11.800 Temporary Protected status for Salvadorans. In two thousand and one, 0:05:12.200 --> 0:05:16.840 nearly two hundred thousand Salvadorans received Temporary Protected status, or 0:05:17.000 --> 0:05:21.800 TPS after a powerful earthquake hit the country. TPS allowed 0:05:21.800 --> 0:05:23.760 them to live and work in the US until it 0:05:23.839 --> 0:05:27.120 was safe to return back to a Salvador. But with 0:05:27.160 --> 0:05:32.039 Trump's announcement essentially ending this protected status, Javiere's life in 0:05:32.080 --> 0:05:36.359 the US was thrown into question. After living here for 0:05:36.400 --> 0:05:40.599 almost twenty years most of his life, now he faced 0:05:40.600 --> 0:05:45.240 the possibility of having to leave it all behind in 0:05:45.400 --> 0:05:48.760 order to stay in the US. Javiet decided to apply 0:05:48.839 --> 0:05:52.039 for an EB one visa, which is otherwise known as 0:05:52.080 --> 0:05:56.440 the Extraordinary Abilities Visa, and in order to apply, he 0:05:56.480 --> 0:05:59.520 would have to return to a Salvador in person, his 0:05:59.560 --> 0:06:05.000 first trip back in almost two decades. We wanted to 0:06:05.040 --> 0:06:09.640 help Haayid share his experience, so producer Saah Kivilo worked 0:06:09.640 --> 0:06:13.480 with him to document his journey with audio diaries, interviews, 0:06:13.560 --> 0:06:18.520 and other recordings. This story originally aired in twenty eighteen, 0:06:18.960 --> 0:06:23.080 and since then in twenty twenty two, have yet published 0:06:23.160 --> 0:06:27.159 Solito a memoir, which became a New York Times bestseller. 0:06:27.720 --> 0:06:31.440 The book has been widely praised for its raw, personal 0:06:31.480 --> 0:06:36.240 portrayal of his immigration experience. And so, dear listener, we're 0:06:36.279 --> 0:06:39.160 happy to bring you this award winning Latino USA back 0:06:39.200 --> 0:06:43.000 for you to listen to today. And remember just a 0:06:43.120 --> 0:06:46.000 warning that this story contains some language that might not 0:06:46.120 --> 0:06:50.080 be suitable for younger years. We're going to begin Haayer's 0:06:50.160 --> 0:06:53.720 story on a particularly important date for him. That date 0:06:53.920 --> 0:06:57.479 is June tenth, and that's the date that Haayid first 0:06:57.560 --> 0:07:02.680 arrived in the United States at nine years old and alone. 0:07:02.839 --> 0:07:06.000 It's also the day before you returned to El Salvador 0:07:06.760 --> 0:07:08.520 nineteen years later. 0:07:16.240 --> 0:07:22.680 It's June tenth. I'm alone at home. It's nineteen years today. 0:07:24.040 --> 0:07:29.480 I haven't packed. I leave tomorrow. Yesterday I babysat a kid, 0:07:30.120 --> 0:07:33.000 a four year old with Brittany. At the end. He 0:07:33.200 --> 0:07:36.240 chose four books for me to read to him, and 0:07:36.440 --> 0:07:38.320 one of them was Talked to Sue's All the Places 0:07:38.320 --> 0:07:43.040 You Will Go, And after Brittany read it to him, 0:07:43.400 --> 0:07:45.840 he said that it made him feel better and he 0:07:45.920 --> 0:07:46.560 was hugging me. 0:07:47.440 --> 0:07:48.200 And now I'm home. 0:07:48.840 --> 0:07:53.400 I woke up with Brittany, and I feel good about leaving, 0:07:55.160 --> 0:07:58.240 and I don't know when that changed, because I've been 0:07:58.240 --> 0:08:04.920 scared and there's something about this date that is full circle. 0:08:07.000 --> 0:08:07.320 Okay. 0:08:09.480 --> 0:08:12.600 On June tenth, the day before I left to us 0:08:12.720 --> 0:08:18.480 about I had dinner with my mom and my aunts. Well, 0:08:18.520 --> 0:08:22.200 you started talking, you know, about the trip, and my 0:08:22.240 --> 0:08:26.240 little cousin Tonito really surprised me. You are nine, and 0:08:26.920 --> 0:08:28.960 how do you think you would feel if you were going? 0:08:29.840 --> 0:08:32.840 I feel happy, like right now, I feel happy for 0:08:33.040 --> 0:08:38.319 you guys are going there and seeing my grandma and 0:08:38.440 --> 0:08:41.800 my grandpa, and I wish you luck. 0:08:42.920 --> 0:08:46.320 Any advice if you were to go to a place 0:08:46.360 --> 0:08:48.160 that you've never been to, what would you bring? 0:08:50.760 --> 0:08:55.080 I would want to bring my parents your parents, yeah, 0:08:55.240 --> 0:08:56.760 so that they could go with me. 0:08:56.920 --> 0:09:05.560 As I think that is the just natural feeling of 0:09:05.640 --> 0:09:08.320 a little kid the same age as me when I 0:09:08.360 --> 0:09:11.960 came here, that all you want is your parents and 0:09:12.280 --> 0:09:16.400 to be with them and bring them everywhere. I think 0:09:16.600 --> 0:09:19.120 just that feeling. I want to bring my parents and 0:09:19.200 --> 0:09:21.480 it always makes me cry because that's what I wanted 0:09:22.080 --> 0:09:25.080 when I immigrated by myself, all I wanted to be was 0:09:25.200 --> 0:09:31.880 to be with my parents. I was thinking about this 0:09:32.000 --> 0:09:35.360 from San Francisco to Houston. In Houston, I think it 0:09:35.400 --> 0:09:38.600 really began to kick in. By then, I was like, Okay, 0:09:38.640 --> 0:09:40.640 am I going to come back? Am I going to 0:09:40.720 --> 0:09:44.400 return to this? How am I going to return from this? 0:09:46.160 --> 0:09:49.520 I was thinking about seeing my grandparents for the first 0:09:49.559 --> 0:09:55.760 time in nineteen years. After I got here, my grandparents 0:09:55.800 --> 0:09:58.320 and I mostly communicated over the phone, like how are 0:09:58.320 --> 0:10:02.079 you doing, how it's how's the United States? 0:10:02.120 --> 0:10:04.559 How's work? How's the weather? Okay? 0:10:04.640 --> 0:10:06.959 I love you by I feel like they hide a 0:10:07.000 --> 0:10:08.599 lot of things from us, and also we hide a 0:10:08.640 --> 0:10:09.400 lot of things from them. 0:10:12.160 --> 0:10:18.000 Presently here for the next few minutes. 0:10:22.720 --> 0:10:25.720 So when I land and I go through the checkpoint, 0:10:27.080 --> 0:10:29.640 and I get a whiff of the humidity, and I 0:10:29.720 --> 0:10:34.679 get to the road, my Grandpa's waiting there. I think 0:10:34.679 --> 0:10:38.280 he's wearing white again. He's wearing a white polo. Maybe 0:10:38.280 --> 0:10:40.800 he always wears white polos. I don't know, but at 0:10:40.880 --> 0:10:49.800 crucial moments he always wears the same outfit. Before I 0:10:49.920 --> 0:10:53.240 was five, he was rarely in the picture because he 0:10:53.360 --> 0:10:58.280 was working. But when he was in the picture, he 0:10:58.520 --> 0:11:04.920 was drunk. The one memory that I remember it was 0:11:05.000 --> 0:11:09.040 him coming in through the door the back door, pounding it. 0:11:10.000 --> 0:11:13.720 He was drunk and on something else and I was four, 0:11:15.600 --> 0:11:18.960 and he bursts through and he started arguing. 0:11:20.360 --> 0:11:20.920 And throwing. 0:11:20.920 --> 0:11:23.520 He was throwing stuff and like cursing my grandma out. 0:11:25.120 --> 0:11:26.319 That happened multiple times. 0:11:28.240 --> 0:11:38.520 Okay, I bet he still has a huge gut, but 0:11:38.600 --> 0:11:39.120 he's frail. 0:11:40.240 --> 0:11:42.480 Yeah, yeah, ye. 0:11:46.559 --> 0:11:50.440 The meat has been taken away from him, and with it, 0:11:51.040 --> 0:11:55.280 like the dynamic has changed. I'm less scared and now 0:11:55.320 --> 0:12:09.000 I'm bigger. The moment I get in the car, I 0:12:09.080 --> 0:12:12.920 start commenting on what I remember, like automatically, like on queue, 0:12:14.440 --> 0:12:20.000 and I try to remember the way home. First thing 0:12:20.040 --> 0:12:25.360 I noticed there's now a solar panel field. And then 0:12:25.400 --> 0:12:28.280 we keep on driving and the sugarcane fields are still there, 0:12:29.200 --> 0:12:32.480 but now we have like a little thing that says bimeniosa, 0:12:32.920 --> 0:12:38.400 welcome to Lera Lura, right near the cemetery. I remember 0:12:38.440 --> 0:12:42.640 the cemetery being this huge thing, and the cemetery was 0:12:42.960 --> 0:12:46.080 like a block big, and in my head it felt 0:12:46.120 --> 0:12:49.600 like half a mile. And so we take it right 0:12:49.760 --> 0:12:52.199 of a new road that they've just built with new houses, 0:12:52.240 --> 0:12:54.600 and I'm commenting on it, and then I don't even 0:12:54.640 --> 0:12:58.240 recognize the clinic that I lived in front of so 0:12:58.320 --> 0:13:02.600 he parks. The car parks and my grandpa starts to 0:13:02.600 --> 0:13:04.080 get out, and I'm like, what are we here? 0:13:05.000 --> 0:13:10.120 I didn't remember. My Grandma opens the door. 0:13:10.720 --> 0:13:14.079 She's in her nightgown and she looks around to see 0:13:14.080 --> 0:13:17.400 if anybody's looking. And she doesn't get out of the house. 0:13:17.440 --> 0:13:20.360 She waits for me to get in. And she is 0:13:20.559 --> 0:13:23.679 way different than what I remembered. My grandma was this 0:13:23.800 --> 0:13:31.960 joyful woman, like who would always be dressed to the nines, 0:13:31.960 --> 0:13:34.040 who would do her makeup, who would take care of 0:13:34.040 --> 0:13:38.320 her hair. She's not that personal anymore. She's seeing a 0:13:38.320 --> 0:13:48.000 shadow of who she was. She's frail, her arms are 0:13:48.000 --> 0:13:52.520 so skinny, there's like dreads in the back of her hair. 0:13:53.000 --> 0:13:56.560 She doesn't care for her hair anymore. And I hugged her, 0:13:57.280 --> 0:14:00.600 and she didn't hug me fully. She put one of 0:14:00.640 --> 0:14:04.520 her hands in between her chests and mind, I'm gonna 0:14:04.520 --> 0:14:06.240 protect my chest where my heart is. 0:14:06.920 --> 0:14:07.760 And that's what she did. 0:14:12.840 --> 0:14:16.360 Whenever I thought of seeing my grandparents, I imagine this big, 0:14:16.480 --> 0:14:19.680 dramatic moment where I would run up to them and 0:14:19.760 --> 0:14:26.239 hung them crying, my Grandma crying, hugging me. I imagine 0:14:26.360 --> 0:14:28.359 staying up talking with them. 0:14:28.920 --> 0:14:29.800 I wanted. 0:14:31.200 --> 0:14:34.160 To take them out on a walk to the market 0:14:34.320 --> 0:14:35.600 or to the peer. 0:14:37.200 --> 0:14:50.520 That's what I wanted most. When we return, I feel down. 0:14:51.000 --> 0:14:52.600 I really hope that I can go back to the 0:14:52.720 --> 0:14:54.480 United States stay with us. 0:14:55.080 --> 0:15:15.120 Yes, hey, we're back. 0:15:15.520 --> 0:15:18.960 And last we had heard Salvador and poet Jaber Samora 0:15:19.280 --> 0:15:21.720 had just returned to Ol Salvador for the first time 0:15:21.800 --> 0:15:25.320 in nineteen years, and he was settling into his grandparents' home, 0:15:25.520 --> 0:15:32.280 which is the home he lived in as a young boy. 0:15:33.200 --> 0:15:38.400 There's still pictures, one of my mom, one of my dad, 0:15:39.520 --> 0:15:44.800 one of my aunts, and one of me, and that's 0:15:44.800 --> 0:15:48.800 the first thing you see. And the fridge is new, 0:15:48.880 --> 0:15:50.720 but he's still in the same place that it used 0:15:50.720 --> 0:15:54.560 to be. The TV is newer, but he's still in 0:15:54.560 --> 0:15:55.760 the same place that it used to be. 0:15:58.200 --> 0:16:01.160 Oh, the roof changed. The roof used to be terracoda. 0:16:00.760 --> 0:16:05.640 Roof and now it's a there's like steel that you 0:16:05.640 --> 0:16:07.840 can hear when it when it rains, keeps you up. 0:16:09.400 --> 0:16:13.400 There are get goos. Now there's like an infestation that 0:16:13.560 --> 0:16:16.480 like squeak like birds that keep you up as well. 0:16:17.400 --> 0:16:23.200 I still showered outside, so. 0:16:23.160 --> 0:16:40.360 Everything hadn't changed that much. As part of the visa appointment. 0:16:40.680 --> 0:16:43.240 I had to go to this doctor in the capitol 0:16:43.320 --> 0:16:47.239 and do a lot of tests, and once that was approved, 0:16:47.720 --> 0:16:51.760 I could go to the embassy. Today, I went to 0:16:51.840 --> 0:16:55.800 the doctor's appointment, and once up there, they asked why 0:16:55.840 --> 0:16:58.200 I was getting the visa, and I explained that I 0:16:58.240 --> 0:17:01.200 have a book with the moment I meant, shouldn't Stanford 0:17:01.200 --> 0:17:05.359 at Harvard. He treated me differently, and then this like 0:17:05.400 --> 0:17:07.639 an hour later, the doctor actually saw me, and the 0:17:07.640 --> 0:17:09.440 first thing he says, you know, they already told me 0:17:09.480 --> 0:17:09.960 about you. 0:17:10.400 --> 0:17:11.440 I'm really proud of you. 0:17:11.720 --> 0:17:14.680 And I thought I was gonna go fine, and then 0:17:15.160 --> 0:17:20.720 he begins asking me about drugs, and then he told 0:17:20.760 --> 0:17:22.600 me to be honest, so I don't know if I 0:17:22.640 --> 0:17:24.640 did the right thing or not. And then I told 0:17:24.720 --> 0:17:30.560 him that I had tried marijuana before, and had I 0:17:30.600 --> 0:17:33.640 been stopped or arrested? And I said no, and under 0:17:33.680 --> 0:17:36.280 him breath he told me he said, you guys always 0:17:36.280 --> 0:17:39.280 put yourself up in Spanish. But then then he kept 0:17:39.280 --> 0:17:42.240 im pressing me. Had I try other drugs, had I 0:17:42.359 --> 0:17:43.919 try marry one of more than once? 0:17:44.800 --> 0:17:45.879 Et cetera, et cetera. 0:17:46.920 --> 0:17:52.240 I really hope that that doesn't hurt my chances, and 0:17:53.000 --> 0:17:57.880 I was just being honest, and I guess that's what's stupid. 0:17:59.200 --> 0:18:02.159 We'll see what I happen weapons But I'm really I 0:18:02.160 --> 0:18:04.640 feel down. I really hope that I can go back 0:18:04.680 --> 0:18:08.160 to the United States. I really hope that I didn't 0:18:08.760 --> 0:18:14.960 up today. 0:18:20.720 --> 0:18:21.720 I couldn't leave the house. 0:18:21.880 --> 0:18:23.560 So it was like when I was a little kid again, 0:18:25.160 --> 0:18:28.359 but this time it was kind of my grandparents telling 0:18:28.400 --> 0:18:30.080 me not to leave the house. But it's also myself. 0:18:31.160 --> 0:18:33.720 I didn't feel safe leaving the house, and I was 0:18:33.760 --> 0:18:38.280 afraid to leave because I'm a stranger there and nobody 0:18:38.359 --> 0:18:39.480 would really know me. 0:18:39.800 --> 0:18:41.520 So I was scared that I would. 0:18:41.240 --> 0:18:47.199 Be misidentified as a potential outsider gangster, and just that 0:18:48.040 --> 0:18:49.520 made me feel unwelcomed. 0:18:57.520 --> 0:18:59.520 Yeah, young, young, and. 0:18:59.760 --> 0:19:07.159 Yet so I asked my grandparents, how do they feel 0:19:08.480 --> 0:19:13.480 that they are part of my poetry and that other 0:19:13.520 --> 0:19:16.040 people are reading these poems and the other people and 0:19:16.200 --> 0:19:25.560 like in colleges and universities are reading them. And my 0:19:25.600 --> 0:19:27.960 grandma says that she's happy, and my grandpa says that 0:19:28.000 --> 0:19:31.000 he's proud. And then when people ask how I'm doing, oh, well, 0:19:31.040 --> 0:19:43.680 he's he's very that I'm like studied, learned, so I've 0:19:43.720 --> 0:19:47.439 read my grandma poems in Spanish, but not the ones 0:19:47.680 --> 0:19:51.919 about domestic violence. We didn't suffer the war, but my 0:19:52.000 --> 0:19:57.080 grandpa brought the war into the domestic sphere. We all 0:19:57.119 --> 0:20:00.080 still love him, you know, there's like a bad that 0:20:00.280 --> 0:20:03.640 figure and who it's still my grandpa and it's still 0:20:03.680 --> 0:20:10.680 my mom's dad, but silence is definitely still a big 0:20:10.720 --> 0:20:23.199 part of our relationship. Today we went to start at 0:20:23.240 --> 0:20:26.480 the Kaluka, which is in the news and everywhere. It's 0:20:26.520 --> 0:20:29.600 one of the most dangerous places because of the gangs 0:20:30.200 --> 0:20:34.560 here in this department. And it was so interesting to 0:20:34.760 --> 0:20:37.679 go with my grandpa to pick up his remittances and 0:20:37.720 --> 0:20:45.680 the bank was full today. My Grandma was supposed to 0:20:45.720 --> 0:20:49.280 go with us, but she didn't. She's still stuck in 0:20:49.320 --> 0:20:51.879 her house. Feel kind of bad that I didn't. I 0:20:51.960 --> 0:20:54.160 wasn't able to get her out, but I'm gonna try again. 0:20:55.000 --> 0:20:59.199 I was asking why, Grandma, and she didn't say anything. 0:21:03.240 --> 0:21:06.200 It had been three four years since my grandma has 0:21:06.400 --> 0:21:11.080 left the house. So I really hope that I was 0:21:11.080 --> 0:21:13.160 going to be the one, you know, the one that 0:21:13.720 --> 0:21:16.359 she raised like a son, that I was going to 0:21:16.400 --> 0:21:18.280 be the one to finally get her out. 0:21:18.760 --> 0:21:21.360 And maybe you're going to go back to who you work. 0:21:24.480 --> 0:21:26.840 I think her isolation has a lot to do with 0:21:27.040 --> 0:21:28.439 cultural expectations. 0:21:29.440 --> 0:21:32.720 She had three daughters and a grandson who is like 0:21:32.760 --> 0:21:36.040 a son to her, and we all left in culturely, 0:21:36.080 --> 0:21:38.000 at least one of us is supposed to stay there 0:21:38.359 --> 0:21:40.879 and help her out, and so I think all of 0:21:40.920 --> 0:21:45.240 that has taken a physical and emotional toll on her. 0:21:48.680 --> 0:21:51.240 My grandpa lives at the opposite end of the house. 0:21:51.760 --> 0:21:53.560 It's like it's own. He has his own kitchen, he 0:21:53.600 --> 0:21:57.960 has his own room. In the morning, he goes and 0:21:58.359 --> 0:22:00.960 wakes my grandma up and asks her what she wants 0:22:01.000 --> 0:22:03.760 for breakfast, and then he takes a moto taxi to 0:22:03.960 --> 0:22:07.000 Al Marcalo. He brings back the stuff, He goes back 0:22:07.000 --> 0:22:10.800 and he retreats into his kitchen. After that he reads 0:22:10.800 --> 0:22:13.600 the paper, and then he goes out into the field. 0:22:14.240 --> 0:22:19.679 He's constantly cutting the grass. That's like his thing. And 0:22:19.720 --> 0:22:22.520 then he eats again, and then he goes back to 0:22:22.560 --> 0:22:25.879 the fields to burn leaves and trash, and then he 0:22:25.960 --> 0:22:28.879 retreats and watches No l Las and has dinner and 0:22:28.920 --> 0:22:33.360 then goes to sleep. He does it every single day. 0:22:33.520 --> 0:22:35.680 My grandma's day is literally at the opposite end of 0:22:35.720 --> 0:22:39.560 the house. My grandpa goes out and brings my grandma food, 0:22:39.600 --> 0:22:42.600 so she has to wait for that. She watches TV 0:22:42.720 --> 0:22:46.359 or listens to the radio. Then she sleeps and then 0:22:46.359 --> 0:22:49.399 she watches an La at night. And it's all in 0:22:49.480 --> 0:22:59.879 that little room. So I had hurt my knee, so 0:23:00.160 --> 0:23:04.400 I couldn't run. I had graduated physical therapy the week 0:23:04.440 --> 0:23:07.639 before I leave to Olsavler. I started this job to 0:23:07.760 --> 0:23:11.840 run regiment in like my backyard, learning to run again. 0:23:12.640 --> 0:23:15.160 And so every day I would watch a soccer game. 0:23:15.200 --> 0:23:16.879 This is during the World Cup. I would watch a 0:23:16.920 --> 0:23:19.520 soccer game, and in between game one and game two, 0:23:20.359 --> 0:23:23.119 I would put my shoes on and go to the 0:23:23.119 --> 0:23:27.680 backyard and create my own little track in front of 0:23:27.720 --> 0:23:28.240 the house. 0:23:28.840 --> 0:23:31.080 Through in between the well and. 0:23:31.000 --> 0:23:36.560 The out house, take a left through the orange tree, 0:23:37.040 --> 0:23:40.639 all the way up to the corn fields, and round 0:23:40.720 --> 0:23:44.760 around the sapota tree all the way back, take a 0:23:44.840 --> 0:23:48.199 ride at the coconut and then go along the fence 0:23:48.320 --> 0:23:50.080 and then I'm back to the front of the house. 0:23:50.720 --> 0:23:55.000 That was my running track, and I think that's what 0:23:55.080 --> 0:23:57.400 I wanted to do. I wanted to run away from there. 0:23:58.840 --> 0:23:59.320 Slowly. 0:23:59.640 --> 0:24:01.920 Every day that passed, I realized that I did not 0:24:02.080 --> 0:24:06.600 belong there, and I began to get exasperated. I did 0:24:06.640 --> 0:24:09.760 not feel free. I was there like four weeks. Five 0:24:09.760 --> 0:24:11.640 people were killed during the time that I was there, 0:24:12.040 --> 0:24:21.399 and once I heard the gunshots in the morning. If 0:24:21.400 --> 0:24:23.320 I didn't hear the gunshots that night, I would hear 0:24:23.359 --> 0:24:25.680 the bells ring, and that and my cousins and everybody 0:24:25.720 --> 0:24:28.360 knows that if they ring in the morning, that means 0:24:28.400 --> 0:24:30.679 there's a mass and somebody was shot, and the news 0:24:30.680 --> 0:24:38.080 travels fast. All those things made me feel unsafe and 0:24:38.160 --> 0:24:48.439 that this was not where I belonged anymore. Yesterday I 0:24:48.520 --> 0:24:55.399 was freaking out. Yesterday was June thirtieth, two days before 0:24:55.480 --> 0:24:59.800 my appointment. I felt like I wanted to get away 0:24:59.800 --> 0:25:02.840 from the house and go back to the United States. 0:25:03.280 --> 0:25:05.919 And I think the trauma that I've seen in the 0:25:06.000 --> 0:25:10.600 house really got to me yesterday too. So, yeah, that 0:25:10.720 --> 0:25:13.040 was yesterday. Yesterday was the hardest day I've spent here. 0:25:13.480 --> 0:25:15.919 Two days a day before. It's July one. This is 0:25:15.920 --> 0:25:31.080 the day before my appointment. Okay, my grandma likes soccer, 0:25:32.040 --> 0:25:37.359 and I think while watching soccer, we bonded and we 0:25:37.480 --> 0:25:41.160 started to talk more and slowly, I'll began to like. 0:25:42.800 --> 0:25:44.639 Ask questions about. 0:25:44.400 --> 0:25:46.359 Like how does it feel that your daughters that you 0:25:46.400 --> 0:25:49.520 haven't seen your daughters, or how you feel that I'm here. 0:25:50.760 --> 0:25:56.960 She certainly does miss us, but my Grandma's always returns 0:25:56.960 --> 0:26:03.560 to But I understand why. I think my grandma probably 0:26:03.640 --> 0:26:08.120 thinks that we all left because she was a bad mom, 0:26:08.240 --> 0:26:10.639 and I think she's failed to move on from that 0:26:10.760 --> 0:26:14.040 stage of grief, grieving the people that she. 0:26:14.119 --> 0:26:17.760 Raised in our family. 0:26:17.840 --> 0:26:24.639 She's the physical embodiment of what immigration does to a 0:26:24.680 --> 0:26:38.240 person and to a family. The day before my visa appointment, 0:26:38.520 --> 0:26:40.560 I didn't let myself think about my life in the 0:26:40.640 --> 0:26:45.240 United States. I didn't let myself think about what I 0:26:45.240 --> 0:26:49.439 would be leaving behind in the United States. I didn't 0:26:49.640 --> 0:26:51.840 let my mind go there because it would be too 0:26:51.840 --> 0:26:55.480 sad and too traumatic. And that's how I cope with things, 0:26:55.920 --> 0:26:58.600 just by ignoring them. 0:26:59.040 --> 0:27:01.399 I woke up five am. 0:27:01.480 --> 0:27:06.280 I had put the outfit out last night that was 0:27:06.320 --> 0:27:11.600 still freaking out and nervous, and then my grandpa went 0:27:11.680 --> 0:27:16.439 with me. He was wearing blue jeans and a white polo. 0:27:17.240 --> 0:27:23.400 That's what he chose this morning. There was my grandpa 0:27:23.480 --> 0:27:28.520 who accompanied me up to the Guatemala in Mexico border. 0:27:29.760 --> 0:27:32.960 That was in nineteen ninety nine, and he insisted that 0:27:33.040 --> 0:27:35.919 he walked me to the embassy. He knew that he 0:27:35.960 --> 0:27:38.719 wasn't going to be let in and he has a 0:27:38.760 --> 0:27:40.560 cane now, but he insisted. 0:27:41.440 --> 0:27:44.520 We crossed the road and he. 0:27:44.560 --> 0:27:49.280 Hugged me, and then I went through the security because 0:27:49.320 --> 0:27:53.040 only the person who's appointment it is is allowed past 0:27:53.080 --> 0:27:56.800 security in the embassy. And then I went in and 0:27:56.840 --> 0:27:59.040 I was by myself, and I saw him walk away 0:27:59.080 --> 0:28:10.040 on his cane, and it was the perfect I don't know, closing. 0:28:11.080 --> 0:28:31.959 To that chapter, and then I woke up. 0:28:33.080 --> 0:28:36.000 Oh. She asked what was my name, where I lived 0:28:36.000 --> 0:28:40.520 in the United States, where I lived in Ilsavadora, where 0:28:40.640 --> 0:28:43.239 I was going to return to, and for what? And 0:28:43.280 --> 0:28:45.520 then she asked what my visa was about. And then 0:28:45.560 --> 0:28:48.560 she took a moment to go and ask her supervisor 0:28:48.640 --> 0:28:51.760 for something, and then she came back and she said 0:28:51.800 --> 0:29:00.280 that I got approved and then it was done. M h. 0:29:00.920 --> 0:29:04.960 I haven't recorded in a while, and I think it's 0:29:05.000 --> 0:29:08.080 because I feel a lot better after knowing that I 0:29:08.120 --> 0:29:08.680 will get. 0:29:10.240 --> 0:29:11.480 That I got the visa. 0:29:14.320 --> 0:29:17.160 But today I got notified that I could pick up 0:29:17.200 --> 0:29:20.440 my passport, which I'm gonna go pick up tomorrow, which 0:29:20.480 --> 0:29:23.840 made me get a flight, and the cheapest flight is 0:29:23.840 --> 0:29:29.280