1 00:00:09,280 --> 00:00:12,319 Speaker 1: I think this is my seventh birthday, and this is 2 00:00:12,360 --> 00:00:15,840 Speaker 1: the last birthday that I celebrated. For the eighth and 3 00:00:15,960 --> 00:00:19,800 Speaker 1: ninth birthdays, I didn't celebrate it. My parents were saving 4 00:00:20,560 --> 00:00:24,440 Speaker 1: for me to come here. This is right in our 5 00:00:24,480 --> 00:00:28,360 Speaker 1: backyard underneath like the avocado trees, and there's a party 6 00:00:28,400 --> 00:00:32,240 Speaker 1: outside my cat end that's playing in the back And 7 00:00:33,880 --> 00:00:38,040 Speaker 1: those are my friends. That's my cousin. And out of 8 00:00:38,080 --> 00:00:41,360 Speaker 1: all those boys, all of them have left and they're 9 00:00:41,360 --> 00:00:45,480 Speaker 1: all in the United States. Oh, it's my grandpa. He's young, 10 00:00:46,320 --> 00:00:53,920 Speaker 1: he's fatter, he still looks strong and very and very imposing. 11 00:00:54,280 --> 00:01:02,560 Speaker 1: He's scary. 12 00:01:03,400 --> 00:01:12,399 Speaker 2: Why she's so lively. 13 00:01:13,480 --> 00:01:16,080 Speaker 1: My Grandma's like even like her hand motions and everything, 14 00:01:16,120 --> 00:01:18,720 Speaker 1: she's very lively. 15 00:01:19,400 --> 00:01:20,800 Speaker 2: She's like saying thank you. 16 00:01:21,920 --> 00:01:23,920 Speaker 1: And the weird part is that she's talking to my 17 00:01:23,959 --> 00:01:25,800 Speaker 1: mom and my dad in the United States, and she's like, 18 00:01:25,920 --> 00:01:31,360 Speaker 1: I hope that this party met your expectations, like you 19 00:01:31,400 --> 00:01:35,360 Speaker 1: gave us money to provide for your kid, and and 20 00:01:35,400 --> 00:01:37,480 Speaker 1: we hope that you met your like saying that you 21 00:01:37,520 --> 00:01:51,200 Speaker 1: had imagined in your head. She was like my mom, 22 00:01:51,240 --> 00:01:56,160 Speaker 1: the coyote that brought me here. He would visit I 23 00:01:56,160 --> 00:01:59,880 Speaker 1: think almost twice a year to see how old I was. 24 00:02:00,320 --> 00:02:02,720 Speaker 1: He was gauging to see if I could make the trip, 25 00:02:03,840 --> 00:02:06,920 Speaker 1: so we started this relationship. Last time I saw him, 26 00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:09,880 Speaker 1: he said, next time, you just have to be ready, 27 00:02:10,560 --> 00:02:13,560 Speaker 1: and I had my bags just waiting. I knew that 28 00:02:13,600 --> 00:02:15,160 Speaker 1: I was going to leave, it just didn't know when. 29 00:02:19,120 --> 00:02:20,799 Speaker 1: And I don't remember what day it was, but then 30 00:02:20,840 --> 00:02:24,080 Speaker 1: my grandpa woke me up and it's like, you have 31 00:02:24,120 --> 00:02:29,760 Speaker 1: to go shower now. My aunt and my grandma made 32 00:02:29,800 --> 00:02:33,120 Speaker 1: breakfast and they were crying. My grandpa and I walked 33 00:02:33,120 --> 00:02:37,040 Speaker 1: out the door and it was dawn and the dogs 34 00:02:37,040 --> 00:02:41,000 Speaker 1: were barking, and the sun hadn't broken through yet, so 35 00:02:41,040 --> 00:02:45,520 Speaker 1: it was like this blueish tint all over and I 36 00:02:45,600 --> 00:02:47,680 Speaker 1: just walked out onto the road and took a left 37 00:02:48,639 --> 00:02:50,320 Speaker 1: all the way to the pier, which is where the 38 00:02:50,320 --> 00:02:54,120 Speaker 1: buses stopped, and so in that that was the last 39 00:02:54,120 --> 00:03:00,240 Speaker 1: time that I walked through my entire town. My grandpa 40 00:03:00,560 --> 00:03:07,320 Speaker 1: left me and Watemala, and we had stayed there for 41 00:03:07,440 --> 00:03:11,160 Speaker 1: fifteen days. But my grandpa couldn't go anymore. So I 42 00:03:11,160 --> 00:03:15,080 Speaker 1: remember him walking us to the bus and I was 43 00:03:15,080 --> 00:03:18,480 Speaker 1: the last one to get on, and I was saying 44 00:03:18,480 --> 00:03:22,000 Speaker 1: goodbye to my Grandpa and he was wearing a white 45 00:03:22,120 --> 00:03:28,000 Speaker 1: polo shirt, black shoes and black belt and blue jeans, 46 00:03:28,760 --> 00:03:31,960 Speaker 1: and he was in the middle of the road and he. 47 00:03:31,960 --> 00:03:32,600 Speaker 2: Was just waving. 48 00:03:35,560 --> 00:03:38,920 Speaker 1: When I left, I wasn't thinking about the time apart 49 00:03:38,960 --> 00:03:41,920 Speaker 1: from them. I was mostly happy that I was en 50 00:03:42,000 --> 00:03:45,000 Speaker 1: route to be reunited with my parents. It wasn't until 51 00:03:45,080 --> 00:03:47,720 Speaker 1: much later that I began to understand that I wasn't 52 00:03:47,720 --> 00:03:49,360 Speaker 1: going to see with my grandparents again. 53 00:03:56,560 --> 00:04:01,200 Speaker 3: From Fudromedia and PRX, It's Latino USA. I'm Mariano JSA 54 00:04:01,400 --> 00:04:13,240 Speaker 3: and today the return. Twenty years ago, poet and writer 55 00:04:13,520 --> 00:04:18,839 Speaker 3: Javier Samora traveled to the US Mexico border as a child, 56 00:04:19,640 --> 00:04:22,640 Speaker 3: a life changing journey that haavi had ended up writing 57 00:04:22,640 --> 00:04:26,880 Speaker 3: about in his book of poetry It's called Unaccompanied. It 58 00:04:26,960 --> 00:04:30,919 Speaker 3: garnered a lot of attention for Haavied. In fact, it 59 00:04:31,000 --> 00:04:35,279 Speaker 3: got him a Northern California Book Award and a fellowship 60 00:04:35,480 --> 00:04:47,400 Speaker 3: at Harvard. Then, on January eighth, twenty eighteen, Faviert woke 61 00:04:47,480 --> 00:04:51,080 Speaker 3: up to a phone call from his mom, and again 62 00:04:51,600 --> 00:04:55,080 Speaker 3: things would drastically change for him and for his family. 63 00:04:55,640 --> 00:04:59,120 Speaker 2: She was crying, saying he announced it. Give what I said? 64 00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:03,880 Speaker 2: Good said, what are we going to do. 65 00:05:04,800 --> 00:05:07,599 Speaker 3: Trump had just announced that he would not be renewing 66 00:05:07,640 --> 00:05:11,800 Speaker 3: Temporary Protected status for Salvadorans. In two thousand and one, 67 00:05:12,200 --> 00:05:16,840 Speaker 3: nearly two hundred thousand Salvadorans received Temporary Protected status, or 68 00:05:17,000 --> 00:05:21,800 Speaker 3: TPS after a powerful earthquake hit the country. TPS allowed 69 00:05:21,800 --> 00:05:23,760 Speaker 3: them to live and work in the US until it 70 00:05:23,839 --> 00:05:27,120 Speaker 3: was safe to return back to a Salvador. But with 71 00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:32,039 Speaker 3: Trump's announcement essentially ending this protected status, Javiere's life in 72 00:05:32,080 --> 00:05:36,359 Speaker 3: the US was thrown into question. After living here for 73 00:05:36,400 --> 00:05:40,599 Speaker 3: almost twenty years most of his life, now he faced 74 00:05:40,600 --> 00:05:45,240 Speaker 3: the possibility of having to leave it all behind in 75 00:05:45,400 --> 00:05:48,760 Speaker 3: order to stay in the US. Javiet decided to apply 76 00:05:48,839 --> 00:05:52,039 Speaker 3: for an EB one visa, which is otherwise known as 77 00:05:52,080 --> 00:05:56,440 Speaker 3: the Extraordinary Abilities Visa, and in order to apply, he 78 00:05:56,480 --> 00:05:59,520 Speaker 3: would have to return to a Salvador in person, his 79 00:05:59,560 --> 00:06:05,000 Speaker 3: first trip back in almost two decades. We wanted to 80 00:06:05,040 --> 00:06:09,640 Speaker 3: help Haayid share his experience, so producer Saah Kivilo worked 81 00:06:09,640 --> 00:06:13,480 Speaker 3: with him to document his journey with audio diaries, interviews, 82 00:06:13,560 --> 00:06:18,520 Speaker 3: and other recordings. This story originally aired in twenty eighteen, 83 00:06:18,960 --> 00:06:23,080 Speaker 3: and since then in twenty twenty two, have yet published 84 00:06:23,160 --> 00:06:27,159 Speaker 3: Solito a memoir, which became a New York Times bestseller. 85 00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:31,440 Speaker 3: The book has been widely praised for its raw, personal 86 00:06:31,480 --> 00:06:36,240 Speaker 3: portrayal of his immigration experience. And so, dear listener, we're 87 00:06:36,279 --> 00:06:39,160 Speaker 3: happy to bring you this award winning Latino USA back 88 00:06:39,200 --> 00:06:43,000 Speaker 3: for you to listen to today. And remember just a 89 00:06:43,120 --> 00:06:46,000 Speaker 3: warning that this story contains some language that might not 90 00:06:46,120 --> 00:06:50,080 Speaker 3: be suitable for younger years. We're going to begin Haayer's 91 00:06:50,160 --> 00:06:53,720 Speaker 3: story on a particularly important date for him. That date 92 00:06:53,920 --> 00:06:57,479 Speaker 3: is June tenth, and that's the date that Haayid first 93 00:06:57,560 --> 00:07:02,680 Speaker 3: arrived in the United States at nine years old and alone. 94 00:07:02,839 --> 00:07:06,000 Speaker 3: It's also the day before you returned to El Salvador 95 00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:08,520 Speaker 3: nineteen years later. 96 00:07:16,240 --> 00:07:22,680 Speaker 1: It's June tenth. I'm alone at home. It's nineteen years today. 97 00:07:24,040 --> 00:07:29,480 Speaker 1: I haven't packed. I leave tomorrow. Yesterday I babysat a kid, 98 00:07:30,120 --> 00:07:33,000 Speaker 1: a four year old with Brittany. At the end. He 99 00:07:33,200 --> 00:07:36,240 Speaker 1: chose four books for me to read to him, and 100 00:07:36,440 --> 00:07:38,320 Speaker 1: one of them was Talked to Sue's All the Places 101 00:07:38,320 --> 00:07:43,040 Speaker 1: You Will Go, And after Brittany read it to him, 102 00:07:43,400 --> 00:07:45,840 Speaker 1: he said that it made him feel better and he 103 00:07:45,920 --> 00:07:46,560 Speaker 1: was hugging me. 104 00:07:47,440 --> 00:07:48,200 Speaker 2: And now I'm home. 105 00:07:48,840 --> 00:07:53,400 Speaker 1: I woke up with Brittany, and I feel good about leaving, 106 00:07:55,160 --> 00:07:58,240 Speaker 1: and I don't know when that changed, because I've been 107 00:07:58,240 --> 00:08:04,920 Speaker 1: scared and there's something about this date that is full circle. 108 00:08:07,000 --> 00:08:07,320 Speaker 4: Okay. 109 00:08:09,480 --> 00:08:12,600 Speaker 1: On June tenth, the day before I left to us 110 00:08:12,720 --> 00:08:18,480 Speaker 1: about I had dinner with my mom and my aunts. Well, 111 00:08:18,520 --> 00:08:22,200 Speaker 1: you started talking, you know, about the trip, and my 112 00:08:22,240 --> 00:08:26,240 Speaker 1: little cousin Tonito really surprised me. You are nine, and 113 00:08:26,920 --> 00:08:28,960 Speaker 1: how do you think you would feel if you were going? 114 00:08:29,840 --> 00:08:32,840 Speaker 5: I feel happy, like right now, I feel happy for 115 00:08:33,040 --> 00:08:38,319 Speaker 5: you guys are going there and seeing my grandma and 116 00:08:38,440 --> 00:08:41,800 Speaker 5: my grandpa, and I wish you luck. 117 00:08:42,920 --> 00:08:46,320 Speaker 1: Any advice if you were to go to a place 118 00:08:46,360 --> 00:08:48,160 Speaker 1: that you've never been to, what would you bring? 119 00:08:50,760 --> 00:08:55,080 Speaker 5: I would want to bring my parents your parents, yeah, 120 00:08:55,240 --> 00:08:56,760 Speaker 5: so that they could go with me. 121 00:08:56,920 --> 00:09:05,560 Speaker 1: As I think that is the just natural feeling of 122 00:09:05,640 --> 00:09:08,320 Speaker 1: a little kid the same age as me when I 123 00:09:08,360 --> 00:09:11,960 Speaker 1: came here, that all you want is your parents and 124 00:09:12,280 --> 00:09:16,400 Speaker 1: to be with them and bring them everywhere. I think 125 00:09:16,600 --> 00:09:19,120 Speaker 1: just that feeling. I want to bring my parents and 126 00:09:19,200 --> 00:09:21,480 Speaker 1: it always makes me cry because that's what I wanted 127 00:09:22,080 --> 00:09:25,080 Speaker 1: when I immigrated by myself, all I wanted to be was 128 00:09:25,200 --> 00:09:31,880 Speaker 1: to be with my parents. I was thinking about this 129 00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:35,360 Speaker 1: from San Francisco to Houston. In Houston, I think it 130 00:09:35,400 --> 00:09:38,600 Speaker 1: really began to kick in. By then, I was like, Okay, 131 00:09:38,640 --> 00:09:40,640 Speaker 1: am I going to come back? Am I going to 132 00:09:40,720 --> 00:09:44,400 Speaker 1: return to this? How am I going to return from this? 133 00:09:46,160 --> 00:09:49,520 Speaker 1: I was thinking about seeing my grandparents for the first 134 00:09:49,559 --> 00:09:55,760 Speaker 1: time in nineteen years. After I got here, my grandparents 135 00:09:55,800 --> 00:09:58,320 Speaker 1: and I mostly communicated over the phone, like how are 136 00:09:58,320 --> 00:10:02,079 Speaker 1: you doing, how it's how's the United States? 137 00:10:02,120 --> 00:10:04,559 Speaker 2: How's work? How's the weather? Okay? 138 00:10:04,640 --> 00:10:06,959 Speaker 1: I love you by I feel like they hide a 139 00:10:07,000 --> 00:10:08,599 Speaker 1: lot of things from us, and also we hide a 140 00:10:08,640 --> 00:10:09,400 Speaker 1: lot of things from them. 141 00:10:12,160 --> 00:10:18,000 Speaker 3: Presently here for the next few minutes. 142 00:10:22,720 --> 00:10:25,720 Speaker 1: So when I land and I go through the checkpoint, 143 00:10:27,080 --> 00:10:29,640 Speaker 1: and I get a whiff of the humidity, and I 144 00:10:29,720 --> 00:10:34,679 Speaker 1: get to the road, my Grandpa's waiting there. I think 145 00:10:34,679 --> 00:10:38,280 Speaker 1: he's wearing white again. He's wearing a white polo. Maybe 146 00:10:38,280 --> 00:10:40,800 Speaker 1: he always wears white polos. I don't know, but at 147 00:10:40,880 --> 00:10:49,800 Speaker 1: crucial moments he always wears the same outfit. Before I 148 00:10:49,920 --> 00:10:53,240 Speaker 1: was five, he was rarely in the picture because he 149 00:10:53,360 --> 00:10:58,280 Speaker 1: was working. But when he was in the picture, he 150 00:10:58,520 --> 00:11:04,920 Speaker 1: was drunk. The one memory that I remember it was 151 00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:09,040 Speaker 1: him coming in through the door the back door, pounding it. 152 00:11:10,000 --> 00:11:13,720 Speaker 1: He was drunk and on something else and I was four, 153 00:11:15,600 --> 00:11:18,960 Speaker 1: and he bursts through and he started arguing. 154 00:11:20,360 --> 00:11:20,920 Speaker 2: And throwing. 155 00:11:20,920 --> 00:11:23,520 Speaker 1: He was throwing stuff and like cursing my grandma out. 156 00:11:25,120 --> 00:11:26,319 Speaker 1: That happened multiple times. 157 00:11:28,240 --> 00:11:38,520 Speaker 6: Okay, I bet he still has a huge gut, but 158 00:11:38,600 --> 00:11:39,120 Speaker 6: he's frail. 159 00:11:40,240 --> 00:11:42,480 Speaker 5: Yeah, yeah, ye. 160 00:11:46,559 --> 00:11:50,440 Speaker 1: The meat has been taken away from him, and with it, 161 00:11:51,040 --> 00:11:55,280 Speaker 1: like the dynamic has changed. I'm less scared and now 162 00:11:55,320 --> 00:12:09,000 Speaker 1: I'm bigger. The moment I get in the car, I 163 00:12:09,080 --> 00:12:12,920 Speaker 1: start commenting on what I remember, like automatically, like on queue, 164 00:12:14,440 --> 00:12:20,000 Speaker 1: and I try to remember the way home. First thing 165 00:12:20,040 --> 00:12:25,360 Speaker 1: I noticed there's now a solar panel field. And then 166 00:12:25,400 --> 00:12:28,280 Speaker 1: we keep on driving and the sugarcane fields are still there, 167 00:12:29,200 --> 00:12:32,480 Speaker 1: but now we have like a little thing that says bimeniosa, 168 00:12:32,920 --> 00:12:38,400 Speaker 1: welcome to Lera Lura, right near the cemetery. I remember 169 00:12:38,440 --> 00:12:42,640 Speaker 1: the cemetery being this huge thing, and the cemetery was 170 00:12:42,960 --> 00:12:46,080 Speaker 1: like a block big, and in my head it felt 171 00:12:46,120 --> 00:12:49,600 Speaker 1: like half a mile. And so we take it right 172 00:12:49,760 --> 00:12:52,199 Speaker 1: of a new road that they've just built with new houses, 173 00:12:52,240 --> 00:12:54,600 Speaker 1: and I'm commenting on it, and then I don't even 174 00:12:54,640 --> 00:12:58,240 Speaker 1: recognize the clinic that I lived in front of so 175 00:12:58,320 --> 00:13:02,600 Speaker 1: he parks. The car parks and my grandpa starts to 176 00:13:02,600 --> 00:13:04,080 Speaker 1: get out, and I'm like, what are we here? 177 00:13:05,000 --> 00:13:10,120 Speaker 2: I didn't remember. My Grandma opens the door. 178 00:13:10,720 --> 00:13:14,079 Speaker 1: She's in her nightgown and she looks around to see 179 00:13:14,080 --> 00:13:17,400 Speaker 1: if anybody's looking. And she doesn't get out of the house. 180 00:13:17,440 --> 00:13:20,360 Speaker 1: She waits for me to get in. And she is 181 00:13:20,559 --> 00:13:23,679 Speaker 1: way different than what I remembered. My grandma was this 182 00:13:23,800 --> 00:13:31,960 Speaker 1: joyful woman, like who would always be dressed to the nines, 183 00:13:31,960 --> 00:13:34,040 Speaker 1: who would do her makeup, who would take care of 184 00:13:34,040 --> 00:13:38,320 Speaker 1: her hair. She's not that personal anymore. She's seeing a 185 00:13:38,320 --> 00:13:48,000 Speaker 1: shadow of who she was. She's frail, her arms are 186 00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:52,520 Speaker 1: so skinny, there's like dreads in the back of her hair. 187 00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:56,560 Speaker 1: She doesn't care for her hair anymore. And I hugged her, 188 00:13:57,280 --> 00:14:00,600 Speaker 1: and she didn't hug me fully. She put one of 189 00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:04,520 Speaker 1: her hands in between her chests and mind, I'm gonna 190 00:14:04,520 --> 00:14:06,240 Speaker 1: protect my chest where my heart is. 191 00:14:06,920 --> 00:14:07,760 Speaker 2: And that's what she did. 192 00:14:12,840 --> 00:14:16,360 Speaker 1: Whenever I thought of seeing my grandparents, I imagine this big, 193 00:14:16,480 --> 00:14:19,680 Speaker 1: dramatic moment where I would run up to them and 194 00:14:19,760 --> 00:14:26,239 Speaker 1: hung them crying, my Grandma crying, hugging me. I imagine 195 00:14:26,360 --> 00:14:28,359 Speaker 1: staying up talking with them. 196 00:14:28,920 --> 00:14:29,800 Speaker 2: I wanted. 197 00:14:31,200 --> 00:14:34,160 Speaker 1: To take them out on a walk to the market 198 00:14:34,320 --> 00:14:35,600 Speaker 1: or to the peer. 199 00:14:37,200 --> 00:14:50,520 Speaker 2: That's what I wanted most. When we return, I feel down. 200 00:14:51,000 --> 00:14:52,600 Speaker 2: I really hope that I can go back to the 201 00:14:52,720 --> 00:14:54,480 Speaker 2: United States stay with us. 202 00:14:55,080 --> 00:15:15,120 Speaker 4: Yes, hey, we're back. 203 00:15:15,520 --> 00:15:18,960 Speaker 3: And last we had heard Salvador and poet Jaber Samora 204 00:15:19,280 --> 00:15:21,720 Speaker 3: had just returned to Ol Salvador for the first time 205 00:15:21,800 --> 00:15:25,320 Speaker 3: in nineteen years, and he was settling into his grandparents' home, 206 00:15:25,520 --> 00:15:32,280 Speaker 3: which is the home he lived in as a young boy. 207 00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:38,400 Speaker 1: There's still pictures, one of my mom, one of my dad, 208 00:15:39,520 --> 00:15:44,800 Speaker 1: one of my aunts, and one of me, and that's 209 00:15:44,800 --> 00:15:48,800 Speaker 1: the first thing you see. And the fridge is new, 210 00:15:48,880 --> 00:15:50,720 Speaker 1: but he's still in the same place that it used 211 00:15:50,720 --> 00:15:54,560 Speaker 1: to be. The TV is newer, but he's still in 212 00:15:54,560 --> 00:15:55,760 Speaker 1: the same place that it used to be. 213 00:15:58,200 --> 00:16:01,160 Speaker 2: Oh, the roof changed. The roof used to be terracoda. 214 00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:05,640 Speaker 1: Roof and now it's a there's like steel that you 215 00:16:05,640 --> 00:16:07,840 Speaker 1: can hear when it when it rains, keeps you up. 216 00:16:09,400 --> 00:16:13,400 Speaker 1: There are get goos. Now there's like an infestation that 217 00:16:13,560 --> 00:16:16,480 Speaker 1: like squeak like birds that keep you up as well. 218 00:16:17,400 --> 00:16:23,200 Speaker 1: I still showered outside, so. 219 00:16:23,160 --> 00:16:40,360 Speaker 2: Everything hadn't changed that much. As part of the visa appointment. 220 00:16:40,680 --> 00:16:43,240 Speaker 1: I had to go to this doctor in the capitol 221 00:16:43,320 --> 00:16:47,239 Speaker 1: and do a lot of tests, and once that was approved, 222 00:16:47,720 --> 00:16:51,760 Speaker 1: I could go to the embassy. Today, I went to 223 00:16:51,840 --> 00:16:55,800 Speaker 1: the doctor's appointment, and once up there, they asked why 224 00:16:55,840 --> 00:16:58,200 Speaker 1: I was getting the visa, and I explained that I 225 00:16:58,240 --> 00:17:01,200 Speaker 1: have a book with the moment I meant, shouldn't Stanford 226 00:17:01,200 --> 00:17:05,359 Speaker 1: at Harvard. He treated me differently, and then this like 227 00:17:05,400 --> 00:17:07,639 Speaker 1: an hour later, the doctor actually saw me, and the 228 00:17:07,640 --> 00:17:09,440 Speaker 1: first thing he says, you know, they already told me 229 00:17:09,480 --> 00:17:09,960 Speaker 1: about you. 230 00:17:10,400 --> 00:17:11,440 Speaker 2: I'm really proud of you. 231 00:17:11,720 --> 00:17:14,680 Speaker 1: And I thought I was gonna go fine, and then 232 00:17:15,160 --> 00:17:20,720 Speaker 1: he begins asking me about drugs, and then he told 233 00:17:20,760 --> 00:17:22,600 Speaker 1: me to be honest, so I don't know if I 234 00:17:22,640 --> 00:17:24,640 Speaker 1: did the right thing or not. And then I told 235 00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:30,560 Speaker 1: him that I had tried marijuana before, and had I 236 00:17:30,600 --> 00:17:33,640 Speaker 1: been stopped or arrested? And I said no, and under 237 00:17:33,680 --> 00:17:36,280 Speaker 1: him breath he told me he said, you guys always 238 00:17:36,280 --> 00:17:39,280 Speaker 1: put yourself up in Spanish. But then then he kept 239 00:17:39,280 --> 00:17:42,240 Speaker 1: im pressing me. Had I try other drugs, had I 240 00:17:42,359 --> 00:17:43,919 Speaker 1: try marry one of more than once? 241 00:17:44,800 --> 00:17:45,879 Speaker 2: Et cetera, et cetera. 242 00:17:46,920 --> 00:17:52,240 Speaker 1: I really hope that that doesn't hurt my chances, and 243 00:17:53,000 --> 00:17:57,880 Speaker 1: I was just being honest, and I guess that's what's stupid. 244 00:17:59,200 --> 00:18:02,159 Speaker 1: We'll see what I happen weapons But I'm really I 245 00:18:02,160 --> 00:18:04,640 Speaker 1: feel down. I really hope that I can go back 246 00:18:04,680 --> 00:18:08,160 Speaker 1: to the United States. I really hope that I didn't 247 00:18:08,760 --> 00:18:14,960 Speaker 1: up today. 248 00:18:20,720 --> 00:18:21,720 Speaker 2: I couldn't leave the house. 249 00:18:21,880 --> 00:18:23,560 Speaker 1: So it was like when I was a little kid again, 250 00:18:25,160 --> 00:18:28,359 Speaker 1: but this time it was kind of my grandparents telling 251 00:18:28,400 --> 00:18:30,080 Speaker 1: me not to leave the house. But it's also myself. 252 00:18:31,160 --> 00:18:33,720 Speaker 1: I didn't feel safe leaving the house, and I was 253 00:18:33,760 --> 00:18:38,280 Speaker 1: afraid to leave because I'm a stranger there and nobody 254 00:18:38,359 --> 00:18:39,480 Speaker 1: would really know me. 255 00:18:39,800 --> 00:18:41,520 Speaker 2: So I was scared that I would. 256 00:18:41,240 --> 00:18:47,199 Speaker 1: Be misidentified as a potential outsider gangster, and just that 257 00:18:48,040 --> 00:18:49,520 Speaker 1: made me feel unwelcomed. 258 00:18:57,520 --> 00:18:59,520 Speaker 2: Yeah, young, young, and. 259 00:18:59,760 --> 00:19:07,159 Speaker 1: Yet so I asked my grandparents, how do they feel 260 00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:13,480 Speaker 1: that they are part of my poetry and that other 261 00:19:13,520 --> 00:19:16,040 Speaker 1: people are reading these poems and the other people and 262 00:19:16,200 --> 00:19:25,560 Speaker 1: like in colleges and universities are reading them. And my 263 00:19:25,600 --> 00:19:27,960 Speaker 1: grandma says that she's happy, and my grandpa says that 264 00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:31,000 Speaker 1: he's proud. And then when people ask how I'm doing, oh, well, 265 00:19:31,040 --> 00:19:43,680 Speaker 1: he's he's very that I'm like studied, learned, so I've 266 00:19:43,720 --> 00:19:47,439 Speaker 1: read my grandma poems in Spanish, but not the ones 267 00:19:47,680 --> 00:19:51,919 Speaker 1: about domestic violence. We didn't suffer the war, but my 268 00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:57,080 Speaker 1: grandpa brought the war into the domestic sphere. We all 269 00:19:57,119 --> 00:20:00,080 Speaker 1: still love him, you know, there's like a bad that 270 00:20:00,280 --> 00:20:03,640 Speaker 1: figure and who it's still my grandpa and it's still 271 00:20:03,680 --> 00:20:10,680 Speaker 1: my mom's dad, but silence is definitely still a big 272 00:20:10,720 --> 00:20:23,199 Speaker 1: part of our relationship. Today we went to start at 273 00:20:23,240 --> 00:20:26,480 Speaker 1: the Kaluka, which is in the news and everywhere. It's 274 00:20:26,520 --> 00:20:29,600 Speaker 1: one of the most dangerous places because of the gangs 275 00:20:30,200 --> 00:20:34,560 Speaker 1: here in this department. And it was so interesting to 276 00:20:34,760 --> 00:20:37,679 Speaker 1: go with my grandpa to pick up his remittances and 277 00:20:37,720 --> 00:20:45,680 Speaker 1: the bank was full today. My Grandma was supposed to 278 00:20:45,720 --> 00:20:49,280 Speaker 1: go with us, but she didn't. She's still stuck in 279 00:20:49,320 --> 00:20:51,879 Speaker 1: her house. Feel kind of bad that I didn't. I 280 00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:54,160 Speaker 1: wasn't able to get her out, but I'm gonna try again. 281 00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:59,199 Speaker 1: I was asking why, Grandma, and she didn't say anything. 282 00:21:03,240 --> 00:21:06,200 Speaker 1: It had been three four years since my grandma has 283 00:21:06,400 --> 00:21:11,080 Speaker 1: left the house. So I really hope that I was 284 00:21:11,080 --> 00:21:13,160 Speaker 1: going to be the one, you know, the one that 285 00:21:13,720 --> 00:21:16,359 Speaker 1: she raised like a son, that I was going to 286 00:21:16,400 --> 00:21:18,280 Speaker 1: be the one to finally get her out. 287 00:21:18,760 --> 00:21:21,360 Speaker 2: And maybe you're going to go back to who you work. 288 00:21:24,480 --> 00:21:26,840 Speaker 2: I think her isolation has a lot to do with 289 00:21:27,040 --> 00:21:28,439 Speaker 2: cultural expectations. 290 00:21:29,440 --> 00:21:32,720 Speaker 1: She had three daughters and a grandson who is like 291 00:21:32,760 --> 00:21:36,040 Speaker 1: a son to her, and we all left in culturely, 292 00:21:36,080 --> 00:21:38,000 Speaker 1: at least one of us is supposed to stay there 293 00:21:38,359 --> 00:21:40,879 Speaker 1: and help her out, and so I think all of 294 00:21:40,920 --> 00:21:45,240 Speaker 1: that has taken a physical and emotional toll on her. 295 00:21:48,680 --> 00:21:51,240 Speaker 1: My grandpa lives at the opposite end of the house. 296 00:21:51,760 --> 00:21:53,560 Speaker 1: It's like it's own. He has his own kitchen, he 297 00:21:53,600 --> 00:21:57,960 Speaker 1: has his own room. In the morning, he goes and 298 00:21:58,359 --> 00:22:00,960 Speaker 1: wakes my grandma up and asks her what she wants 299 00:22:01,000 --> 00:22:03,760 Speaker 1: for breakfast, and then he takes a moto taxi to 300 00:22:03,960 --> 00:22:07,000 Speaker 1: Al Marcalo. He brings back the stuff, He goes back 301 00:22:07,000 --> 00:22:10,800 Speaker 1: and he retreats into his kitchen. After that he reads 302 00:22:10,800 --> 00:22:13,600 Speaker 1: the paper, and then he goes out into the field. 303 00:22:14,240 --> 00:22:19,679 Speaker 1: He's constantly cutting the grass. That's like his thing. And 304 00:22:19,720 --> 00:22:22,520 Speaker 1: then he eats again, and then he goes back to 305 00:22:22,560 --> 00:22:25,879 Speaker 1: the fields to burn leaves and trash, and then he 306 00:22:25,960 --> 00:22:28,879 Speaker 1: retreats and watches No l Las and has dinner and 307 00:22:28,920 --> 00:22:33,360 Speaker 1: then goes to sleep. He does it every single day. 308 00:22:33,520 --> 00:22:35,680 Speaker 1: My grandma's day is literally at the opposite end of 309 00:22:35,720 --> 00:22:39,560 Speaker 1: the house. My grandpa goes out and brings my grandma food, 310 00:22:39,600 --> 00:22:42,600 Speaker 1: so she has to wait for that. She watches TV 311 00:22:42,720 --> 00:22:46,359 Speaker 1: or listens to the radio. Then she sleeps and then 312 00:22:46,359 --> 00:22:49,399 Speaker 1: she watches an La at night. And it's all in 313 00:22:49,480 --> 00:22:59,879 Speaker 1: that little room. So I had hurt my knee, so 314 00:23:00,160 --> 00:23:04,400 Speaker 1: I couldn't run. I had graduated physical therapy the week 315 00:23:04,440 --> 00:23:07,639 Speaker 1: before I leave to Olsavler. I started this job to 316 00:23:07,760 --> 00:23:11,840 Speaker 1: run regiment in like my backyard, learning to run again. 317 00:23:12,640 --> 00:23:15,160 Speaker 1: And so every day I would watch a soccer game. 318 00:23:15,200 --> 00:23:16,879 Speaker 1: This is during the World Cup. I would watch a 319 00:23:16,920 --> 00:23:19,520 Speaker 1: soccer game, and in between game one and game two, 320 00:23:20,359 --> 00:23:23,119 Speaker 1: I would put my shoes on and go to the 321 00:23:23,119 --> 00:23:27,680 Speaker 1: backyard and create my own little track in front of 322 00:23:27,720 --> 00:23:28,240 Speaker 1: the house. 323 00:23:28,840 --> 00:23:31,080 Speaker 2: Through in between the well and. 324 00:23:31,000 --> 00:23:36,560 Speaker 1: The out house, take a left through the orange tree, 325 00:23:37,040 --> 00:23:40,639 Speaker 1: all the way up to the corn fields, and round 326 00:23:40,720 --> 00:23:44,760 Speaker 1: around the sapota tree all the way back, take a 327 00:23:44,840 --> 00:23:48,199 Speaker 1: ride at the coconut and then go along the fence 328 00:23:48,320 --> 00:23:50,080 Speaker 1: and then I'm back to the front of the house. 329 00:23:50,720 --> 00:23:55,000 Speaker 1: That was my running track, and I think that's what 330 00:23:55,080 --> 00:23:57,400 Speaker 1: I wanted to do. I wanted to run away from there. 331 00:23:58,840 --> 00:23:59,320 Speaker 2: Slowly. 332 00:23:59,640 --> 00:24:01,920 Speaker 1: Every day that passed, I realized that I did not 333 00:24:02,080 --> 00:24:06,600 Speaker 1: belong there, and I began to get exasperated. I did 334 00:24:06,640 --> 00:24:09,760 Speaker 1: not feel free. I was there like four weeks. Five 335 00:24:09,760 --> 00:24:11,640 Speaker 1: people were killed during the time that I was there, 336 00:24:12,040 --> 00:24:21,399 Speaker 1: and once I heard the gunshots in the morning. If 337 00:24:21,400 --> 00:24:23,320 Speaker 1: I didn't hear the gunshots that night, I would hear 338 00:24:23,359 --> 00:24:25,680 Speaker 1: the bells ring, and that and my cousins and everybody 339 00:24:25,720 --> 00:24:28,360 Speaker 1: knows that if they ring in the morning, that means 340 00:24:28,400 --> 00:24:30,679 Speaker 1: there's a mass and somebody was shot, and the news 341 00:24:30,680 --> 00:24:38,080 Speaker 1: travels fast. All those things made me feel unsafe and 342 00:24:38,160 --> 00:24:48,439 Speaker 1: that this was not where I belonged anymore. Yesterday I 343 00:24:48,520 --> 00:24:55,399 Speaker 1: was freaking out. Yesterday was June thirtieth, two days before 344 00:24:55,480 --> 00:24:59,800 Speaker 1: my appointment. I felt like I wanted to get away 345 00:24:59,800 --> 00:25:02,840 Speaker 1: from the house and go back to the United States. 346 00:25:03,280 --> 00:25:05,919 Speaker 1: And I think the trauma that I've seen in the 347 00:25:06,000 --> 00:25:10,600 Speaker 1: house really got to me yesterday too. So, yeah, that 348 00:25:10,720 --> 00:25:13,040 Speaker 1: was yesterday. Yesterday was the hardest day I've spent here. 349 00:25:13,480 --> 00:25:15,919 Speaker 1: Two days a day before. It's July one. This is 350 00:25:15,920 --> 00:25:31,080 Speaker 1: the day before my appointment. Okay, my grandma likes soccer, 351 00:25:32,040 --> 00:25:37,359 Speaker 1: and I think while watching soccer, we bonded and we 352 00:25:37,480 --> 00:25:41,160 Speaker 1: started to talk more and slowly, I'll began to like. 353 00:25:42,800 --> 00:25:44,639 Speaker 2: Ask questions about. 354 00:25:44,400 --> 00:25:46,359 Speaker 1: Like how does it feel that your daughters that you 355 00:25:46,400 --> 00:25:49,520 Speaker 1: haven't seen your daughters, or how you feel that I'm here. 356 00:25:50,760 --> 00:25:56,960 Speaker 1: She certainly does miss us, but my Grandma's always returns 357 00:25:56,960 --> 00:26:03,560 Speaker 1: to But I understand why. I think my grandma probably 358 00:26:03,640 --> 00:26:08,120 Speaker 1: thinks that we all left because she was a bad mom, 359 00:26:08,240 --> 00:26:10,639 Speaker 1: and I think she's failed to move on from that 360 00:26:10,760 --> 00:26:14,040 Speaker 1: stage of grief, grieving the people that she. 361 00:26:14,119 --> 00:26:17,760 Speaker 2: Raised in our family. 362 00:26:17,840 --> 00:26:24,639 Speaker 1: She's the physical embodiment of what immigration does to a 363 00:26:24,680 --> 00:26:38,240 Speaker 1: person and to a family. The day before my visa appointment, 364 00:26:38,520 --> 00:26:40,560 Speaker 1: I didn't let myself think about my life in the 365 00:26:40,640 --> 00:26:45,240 Speaker 1: United States. I didn't let myself think about what I 366 00:26:45,240 --> 00:26:49,439 Speaker 1: would be leaving behind in the United States. I didn't 367 00:26:49,640 --> 00:26:51,840 Speaker 1: let my mind go there because it would be too 368 00:26:51,840 --> 00:26:55,480 Speaker 1: sad and too traumatic. And that's how I cope with things, 369 00:26:55,920 --> 00:26:58,600 Speaker 1: just by ignoring them. 370 00:26:59,040 --> 00:27:01,399 Speaker 2: I woke up five am. 371 00:27:01,480 --> 00:27:06,280 Speaker 1: I had put the outfit out last night that was 372 00:27:06,320 --> 00:27:11,600 Speaker 1: still freaking out and nervous, and then my grandpa went 373 00:27:11,680 --> 00:27:16,439 Speaker 1: with me. He was wearing blue jeans and a white polo. 374 00:27:17,240 --> 00:27:23,400 Speaker 1: That's what he chose this morning. There was my grandpa 375 00:27:23,480 --> 00:27:28,520 Speaker 1: who accompanied me up to the Guatemala in Mexico border. 376 00:27:29,760 --> 00:27:32,960 Speaker 1: That was in nineteen ninety nine, and he insisted that 377 00:27:33,040 --> 00:27:35,919 Speaker 1: he walked me to the embassy. He knew that he 378 00:27:35,960 --> 00:27:38,719 Speaker 1: wasn't going to be let in and he has a 379 00:27:38,760 --> 00:27:40,560 Speaker 1: cane now, but he insisted. 380 00:27:41,440 --> 00:27:44,520 Speaker 2: We crossed the road and he. 381 00:27:44,560 --> 00:27:49,280 Speaker 1: Hugged me, and then I went through the security because 382 00:27:49,320 --> 00:27:53,040 Speaker 1: only the person who's appointment it is is allowed past 383 00:27:53,080 --> 00:27:56,800 Speaker 1: security in the embassy. And then I went in and 384 00:27:56,840 --> 00:27:59,040 Speaker 1: I was by myself, and I saw him walk away 385 00:27:59,080 --> 00:28:10,040 Speaker 1: on his cane, and it was the perfect I don't know, closing. 386 00:28:11,080 --> 00:28:31,959 Speaker 2: To that chapter, and then I woke up. 387 00:28:33,080 --> 00:28:36,000 Speaker 1: Oh. She asked what was my name, where I lived 388 00:28:36,000 --> 00:28:40,520 Speaker 1: in the United States, where I lived in Ilsavadora, where 389 00:28:40,640 --> 00:28:43,239 Speaker 1: I was going to return to, and for what? And 390 00:28:43,280 --> 00:28:45,520 Speaker 1: then she asked what my visa was about. And then 391 00:28:45,560 --> 00:28:48,560 Speaker 1: she took a moment to go and ask her supervisor 392 00:28:48,640 --> 00:28:51,760 Speaker 1: for something, and then she came back and she said 393 00:28:51,800 --> 00:29:00,280 Speaker 1: that I got approved and then it was done. M h. 394 00:29:00,920 --> 00:29:04,960 Speaker 1: I haven't recorded in a while, and I think it's 395 00:29:05,000 --> 00:29:08,080 Speaker 1: because I feel a lot better after knowing that I 396 00:29:08,120 --> 00:29:08,680 Speaker 1: will get. 397 00:29:10,240 --> 00:29:11,480 Speaker 2: That I got the visa. 398 00:29:14,320 --> 00:29:17,160 Speaker 1: But today I got notified that I could pick up 399 00:29:17,200 --> 00:29:20,440 Speaker 1: my passport, which I'm gonna go pick up tomorrow, which 400 00:29:20,480 --> 00:29:23,840 Speaker 1: made me get a flight, and the cheapest flight is 401 00:29:23,840 --> 00:29:29,280 Speaker 1: this Wednesday. And I hugged my grandma today. I told 402 00:29:29,320 --> 00:29:32,000 Speaker 1: her that I was sad. She said that she's gonna 403 00:29:32,040 --> 00:29:34,960 Speaker 1: be sad to see me leave, and then we hugged. 404 00:29:37,080 --> 00:29:40,320 Speaker 1: She stopped stretching her arms out, pushing me away when 405 00:29:40,640 --> 00:29:41,840 Speaker 1: I hug her. 406 00:29:43,120 --> 00:29:44,280 Speaker 2: Okay, I'll stop there. 407 00:29:49,680 --> 00:29:52,280 Speaker 1: So I asked my grandpa how he feels about me leaving, 408 00:29:54,880 --> 00:29:58,880 Speaker 1: and then he said that things are gonna feel more lonely. 409 00:30:01,800 --> 00:30:24,520 Speaker 1: There's a return to solitude. Just also, she's like, you're 410 00:30:24,560 --> 00:30:27,120 Speaker 1: not that little boy that left. 411 00:30:27,240 --> 00:30:28,040 Speaker 2: Now you're grown. 412 00:30:31,840 --> 00:30:34,840 Speaker 1: She is very happy that I got my papers. And 413 00:30:34,880 --> 00:30:39,600 Speaker 1: then she also apologizes for not as she described tending 414 00:30:40,480 --> 00:30:58,120 Speaker 1: to me how she would have wanted to people. When 415 00:30:58,160 --> 00:31:01,160 Speaker 1: I said that she doesn't have to apologize for anything, 416 00:31:07,520 --> 00:31:10,440 Speaker 1: she said, she's gonna be waiting next time that I 417 00:31:10,480 --> 00:31:25,360 Speaker 1: go there. You leave a country trying to make a 418 00:31:25,480 --> 00:31:28,440 Speaker 1: life of it here in order to send money over there, 419 00:31:29,560 --> 00:31:31,719 Speaker 1: but then at the end of the day, after sacrifice 420 00:31:31,760 --> 00:31:34,880 Speaker 1: and sacrifice in this other country, does this not treat 421 00:31:34,880 --> 00:31:37,560 Speaker 1: you well? You're kind of face with like Oh, did 422 00:31:37,560 --> 00:31:40,720 Speaker 1: I make a wrong decision by leaving my family and 423 00:31:40,760 --> 00:31:43,720 Speaker 1: the people that I love Because look at the emotional 424 00:31:43,720 --> 00:31:49,440 Speaker 1: and physical told that my departure has caused. My entire 425 00:31:49,480 --> 00:31:52,479 Speaker 1: family is facing that right now, and we don't know 426 00:31:52,520 --> 00:31:56,400 Speaker 1: what that answer is. I want to go back to 427 00:31:56,440 --> 00:32:01,320 Speaker 1: try to mend all those years that I couldn't go back, 428 00:32:02,440 --> 00:32:05,880 Speaker 1: and to show my grandmother we still do care and 429 00:32:05,960 --> 00:32:19,120 Speaker 1: that I still care. 430 00:32:50,160 --> 00:32:53,479 Speaker 3: Our episode was produced by Serve and edited by Sophia 431 00:32:53,560 --> 00:32:57,480 Speaker 3: Palissa Carr, with additional editing from Marlon Bishop. It was 432 00:32:57,600 --> 00:33:01,000 Speaker 3: mixed by Stephanie Lebau. The La You Know USA team 433 00:33:01,040 --> 00:33:06,280 Speaker 3: includes Julia Cruso, Jessica Ellis, Victoria Strada, Renaldo Lanos Junior, 434 00:33:06,320 --> 00:33:10,840 Speaker 3: Andrea Lopez Gruzado, Lies Luna Glri, mar Marquez, Marta Martinez, 435 00:33:10,960 --> 00:33:15,400 Speaker 3: Nor Saudi, and Nancy Juillo. Benide Ramirez is our co 436 00:33:15,520 --> 00:33:18,880 Speaker 3: executive producer along with myself and I'm your host Mariano 437 00:33:19,000 --> 00:33:22,800 Speaker 3: Rosa join us again on our next episode. I'll see 438 00:33:22,840 --> 00:33:27,680 Speaker 3: you on social media and made Yes Bye. 439 00:33:28,880 --> 00:33:33,400 Speaker 7: Latino USA is made possible in part by the Ford Foundation, 440 00:33:34,000 --> 00:33:38,080 Speaker 7: working with visionaries on the front lines of social change worldwide. 441 00:33:38,640 --> 00:33:39,200 Speaker 2: The John D. 442 00:33:39,480 --> 00:33:44,600 Speaker 7: And Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation, and the Heising Simons Foundation. 443 00:33:45,280 --> 00:33:51,680 Speaker 7: Unlocking knowledge, opportunity, and possibilities. More at hsfoundation dot org