1 00:00:10,640 --> 00:00:14,320 Speaker 1: Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls podcast, a weekly 2 00:00:14,360 --> 00:00:19,160 Speaker 1: conversation about mental health, personal development, and all the small 3 00:00:19,160 --> 00:00:22,320 Speaker 1: decisions we can make to become the best possible versions 4 00:00:22,360 --> 00:00:26,440 Speaker 1: of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr Joy hard and Bradford, 5 00:00:26,800 --> 00:00:31,880 Speaker 1: a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. For more information or 6 00:00:32,000 --> 00:00:35,400 Speaker 1: to find a therapist in your area, visit our website 7 00:00:35,520 --> 00:00:39,120 Speaker 1: at Therapy for Black Girls dot com. While I hope 8 00:00:39,159 --> 00:00:43,040 Speaker 1: you love listening to and learning from the podcast, it 9 00:00:43,159 --> 00:00:46,080 Speaker 1: is not meant to be a substitute for a relationship 10 00:00:46,159 --> 00:00:57,320 Speaker 1: with a licensed mental health professional. Hey, y'all, thanks so 11 00:00:57,400 --> 00:00:59,520 Speaker 1: much for joining me for session two sixty of the 12 00:00:59,520 --> 00:01:02,520 Speaker 1: Therapy for of Black Girls podcast. We'll get right into 13 00:01:02,560 --> 00:01:14,440 Speaker 1: our conversation after a word from our sponsors. Similar to 14 00:01:14,520 --> 00:01:18,640 Speaker 1: our other methods of communication, dating has also gone digital, 15 00:01:19,280 --> 00:01:21,679 Speaker 1: and whether we like it or not, this new space 16 00:01:21,760 --> 00:01:24,840 Speaker 1: requires some new skills, like picking a great profile picture 17 00:01:25,280 --> 00:01:29,119 Speaker 1: and crafting a short, but impactful BYO. So how can 18 00:01:29,160 --> 00:01:33,720 Speaker 1: black women use dating apps successfully? This week, I'm joined 19 00:01:33,760 --> 00:01:36,800 Speaker 1: by okay Cupid dating expert and host of the popular 20 00:01:36,920 --> 00:01:41,880 Speaker 1: Dates and Mates podcast, Demona Hoffman. During our conversation, we 21 00:01:42,000 --> 00:01:44,440 Speaker 1: chatted about the steps you can take to optimize your 22 00:01:44,520 --> 00:01:48,320 Speaker 1: dating profile to find quality matches, how to assess what 23 00:01:48,480 --> 00:01:51,960 Speaker 1: you want in a romantic partner, and how dating apps 24 00:01:51,960 --> 00:01:54,480 Speaker 1: can be used to find the kind of romance you desire. 25 00:01:55,400 --> 00:01:58,840 Speaker 1: If something resonates with you while enjoying our conversation, please 26 00:01:58,840 --> 00:02:01,640 Speaker 1: share with us on social media using the hashag t 27 00:02:01,840 --> 00:02:04,920 Speaker 1: b G in session or join us over in the 28 00:02:04,960 --> 00:02:07,360 Speaker 1: sister circles To talk more in depth about the episode. 29 00:02:07,760 --> 00:02:10,160 Speaker 1: You can join us at community Thatt Therapy for Black 30 00:02:10,160 --> 00:02:16,839 Speaker 1: Girls dot com. Here's our conversation. Thank you so much 31 00:02:16,840 --> 00:02:19,359 Speaker 1: for joining me today, Demona, Thank you for having me. 32 00:02:19,480 --> 00:02:22,240 Speaker 1: Dr Joy very excited to chat with you, so I'd 33 00:02:22,240 --> 00:02:24,200 Speaker 1: love for you to begin by just talking with us 34 00:02:24,240 --> 00:02:28,800 Speaker 1: about how and why you became a dating coach. Quite 35 00:02:28,800 --> 00:02:33,000 Speaker 1: by accident, of course, I was actually working in television. 36 00:02:33,280 --> 00:02:36,360 Speaker 1: I was casting director, and I found that there were 37 00:02:36,360 --> 00:02:39,360 Speaker 1: a lot of actors who were super talented but just 38 00:02:39,440 --> 00:02:42,960 Speaker 1: did not know what to do to get noticed by 39 00:02:43,040 --> 00:02:45,200 Speaker 1: someone like me. By a casting director like we would 40 00:02:45,240 --> 00:02:49,120 Speaker 1: get literally stacked some hundreds hundreds of pictures every day 41 00:02:49,160 --> 00:02:50,480 Speaker 1: that we had to start through, and we couldn't call 42 00:02:50,480 --> 00:02:53,960 Speaker 1: everybody in. And so I started teaching classes for actors 43 00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:57,000 Speaker 1: and how to have pictures that really stood out and 44 00:02:57,040 --> 00:02:59,200 Speaker 1: that told their story, and how to get noticed and 45 00:02:59,240 --> 00:03:01,520 Speaker 1: then how to put their best foot forward when they 46 00:03:01,560 --> 00:03:04,160 Speaker 1: went to the audition room. And let me tell you something, 47 00:03:04,280 --> 00:03:08,280 Speaker 1: Dr Joy, I was also dating at the time, and 48 00:03:08,400 --> 00:03:11,000 Speaker 1: online dating was pretty new. I just started online dating, 49 00:03:11,240 --> 00:03:13,520 Speaker 1: and I realized the similarities between what I would tell 50 00:03:13,560 --> 00:03:17,120 Speaker 1: actors about how to get noticed and by the right 51 00:03:17,160 --> 00:03:19,640 Speaker 1: people and what I needed to do to get noticed 52 00:03:19,680 --> 00:03:22,000 Speaker 1: by the right kind of men. So I ended up 53 00:03:22,040 --> 00:03:24,680 Speaker 1: applying those techniques I was teaching actors to my online 54 00:03:24,760 --> 00:03:28,399 Speaker 1: dating experience. I met my husband online. We just celebrated 55 00:03:28,440 --> 00:03:33,919 Speaker 1: our fifteenth anniversary, and I realized that there was something 56 00:03:34,040 --> 00:03:38,440 Speaker 1: to this technique that I had applied myself. First date 57 00:03:38,640 --> 00:03:42,920 Speaker 1: is basically an audition, and a dating profile photo is 58 00:03:42,960 --> 00:03:46,320 Speaker 1: basically a headshot. And so people started coming to me 59 00:03:46,400 --> 00:03:49,640 Speaker 1: after I met my husband and asking for my tips, 60 00:03:50,240 --> 00:03:53,640 Speaker 1: and initially it was just helping family, helping friends, and 61 00:03:53,680 --> 00:03:56,120 Speaker 1: then through word of mouth that's spread and I realized 62 00:03:56,600 --> 00:04:02,160 Speaker 1: I really had something and arted doing this full time, 63 00:04:02,400 --> 00:04:05,880 Speaker 1: became certified as a life coach and then specifically as 64 00:04:05,920 --> 00:04:08,400 Speaker 1: a dating coach, and now for over ten years, this 65 00:04:08,440 --> 00:04:10,920 Speaker 1: has been my life's work. Well, I love then in 66 00:04:10,960 --> 00:04:13,000 Speaker 1: that background is so cool, right, I mean, it feels 67 00:04:13,040 --> 00:04:15,200 Speaker 1: like it was a very seamless transition in terms of 68 00:04:15,200 --> 00:04:17,840 Speaker 1: what you are already doing to bringing that to people 69 00:04:17,839 --> 00:04:20,760 Speaker 1: to help them date better. It does seem that way, 70 00:04:20,839 --> 00:04:22,960 Speaker 1: doesn't it when I tell the story now. But let 71 00:04:22,960 --> 00:04:24,400 Speaker 1: me tell you, girl, there were a lot of like 72 00:04:24,839 --> 00:04:29,520 Speaker 1: ups and downs along that process. But really through all 73 00:04:29,560 --> 00:04:32,800 Speaker 1: of my clients, I learned every time I work with 74 00:04:32,880 --> 00:04:36,800 Speaker 1: someone and every time I you know, I really study 75 00:04:36,960 --> 00:04:40,960 Speaker 1: this stuff. Like people think that dating should just be 76 00:04:41,040 --> 00:04:43,520 Speaker 1: magical and it should just be easy and it should 77 00:04:43,600 --> 00:04:46,320 Speaker 1: fall in your lap, and I would love to believe that, 78 00:04:46,360 --> 00:04:48,760 Speaker 1: but I think our lives are just more complicated now. 79 00:04:49,160 --> 00:04:51,040 Speaker 1: And when we look at the way that we used 80 00:04:51,080 --> 00:04:53,240 Speaker 1: to date and we used to connect, like most people 81 00:04:53,760 --> 00:04:57,880 Speaker 1: ended up marrying someone within There was a study from 82 00:04:57,920 --> 00:05:00,640 Speaker 1: the nineteen twenties where it was like within five blocks 83 00:05:00,720 --> 00:05:04,120 Speaker 1: of your house, that's not a huge dating pool. So 84 00:05:04,240 --> 00:05:06,320 Speaker 1: like if your mom didn't know him, if you didn't 85 00:05:06,320 --> 00:05:08,000 Speaker 1: go to your church, if you didn't go to school 86 00:05:08,000 --> 00:05:10,839 Speaker 1: with them, you weren't meeting him. So I see dating 87 00:05:10,880 --> 00:05:16,360 Speaker 1: apps as creating a huge opportunity for expanding your dating pool. 88 00:05:16,680 --> 00:05:19,680 Speaker 1: But with that comes a new skill set that we 89 00:05:19,720 --> 00:05:21,680 Speaker 1: have to learn. And so I look at dating as 90 00:05:21,720 --> 00:05:26,320 Speaker 1: a set of skills that we assume should just come 91 00:05:26,360 --> 00:05:29,279 Speaker 1: to us naturally. But actually I've seen over the last 92 00:05:29,600 --> 00:05:33,200 Speaker 1: fifteen years that I've been doing this that there is 93 00:05:33,240 --> 00:05:37,000 Speaker 1: a system that, when repeated, can get the same result 94 00:05:37,080 --> 00:05:40,560 Speaker 1: the relationship that you want. But there's a lot of 95 00:05:41,240 --> 00:05:46,479 Speaker 1: rocky road in between. So generally, Damona, what are we 96 00:05:46,560 --> 00:05:48,880 Speaker 1: talking about when we are talking about dating? Like, I 97 00:05:48,880 --> 00:05:51,680 Speaker 1: feel like there are lots of different definitions. So what 98 00:05:51,720 --> 00:05:53,479 Speaker 1: do we mean on a basic level when we talk 99 00:05:53,520 --> 00:05:56,960 Speaker 1: about like somebody being ready to start dating? Well, in 100 00:05:57,120 --> 00:05:59,760 Speaker 1: my process, I have like a five step process I 101 00:05:59,760 --> 00:06:03,680 Speaker 1: take everybody through and it works reliably when the person 102 00:06:04,120 --> 00:06:08,440 Speaker 1: is ready and shows up consistently. So it starts with 103 00:06:08,520 --> 00:06:12,240 Speaker 1: mindset and I have my clients get really clear on 104 00:06:12,360 --> 00:06:15,760 Speaker 1: who they are, what they bring to the table in 105 00:06:15,760 --> 00:06:18,840 Speaker 1: a relationship, and then what they want. And I'm not 106 00:06:18,880 --> 00:06:22,800 Speaker 1: talking about must make X number of thousand dollars a year, 107 00:06:22,920 --> 00:06:27,720 Speaker 1: must have this college degree, must be six ft. I 108 00:06:27,760 --> 00:06:30,200 Speaker 1: don't know what is it now? Three? I don't know. 109 00:06:30,400 --> 00:06:32,520 Speaker 1: I don't know what the ladies are looking for, because 110 00:06:32,600 --> 00:06:38,080 Speaker 1: those aren't the qualities ultimately that end up predicting long 111 00:06:38,160 --> 00:06:40,440 Speaker 1: term relationship success. You know, And a lot of my 112 00:06:40,480 --> 00:06:44,760 Speaker 1: clients have come to me after doing therapy and getting 113 00:06:44,880 --> 00:06:46,760 Speaker 1: clear on some of those things, like we all have 114 00:06:46,800 --> 00:06:49,800 Speaker 1: our stuff right, Like we have the stuff that our 115 00:06:50,320 --> 00:06:52,839 Speaker 1: parents have told us about who we should match with, 116 00:06:52,960 --> 00:06:55,479 Speaker 1: who we should date. We have the pressure from them 117 00:06:55,520 --> 00:06:57,600 Speaker 1: like how can you haven't met the person? How can 118 00:06:57,640 --> 00:06:59,680 Speaker 1: you haven't given me any grandkids? We have all of 119 00:06:59,720 --> 00:07:03,159 Speaker 1: those voices in our head, plus the experiences that we've 120 00:07:03,200 --> 00:07:05,960 Speaker 1: been through in past relationships, and I think that there's 121 00:07:06,000 --> 00:07:10,600 Speaker 1: always an opportunity to start fresh. And this is why 122 00:07:10,720 --> 00:07:14,040 Speaker 1: I start everything with the mindset, so that we can 123 00:07:14,240 --> 00:07:17,120 Speaker 1: develop a new mindset if we need that to approach 124 00:07:17,240 --> 00:07:19,800 Speaker 1: dating with fresh eyes. So can you give us the 125 00:07:19,840 --> 00:07:22,480 Speaker 1: rest of those steps without sharing too much of your 126 00:07:22,520 --> 00:07:25,440 Speaker 1: intellectual property. I'm an open book, Dr Joy, and I 127 00:07:25,480 --> 00:07:28,040 Speaker 1: talk about this my podcast Dates and Mates every week. 128 00:07:28,120 --> 00:07:31,480 Speaker 1: So I won't give the information freely, but I'll run 129 00:07:31,480 --> 00:07:33,720 Speaker 1: through the five steps quickly, and then whatever you want 130 00:07:33,760 --> 00:07:35,760 Speaker 1: to dive into a little deeper, we can talk about that. 131 00:07:35,880 --> 00:07:40,000 Speaker 1: So the five steps are mindset sourcing, where you find 132 00:07:40,040 --> 00:07:43,400 Speaker 1: in dates screening how you're deciding if somebody is a 133 00:07:43,400 --> 00:07:45,960 Speaker 1: good match for you or not. And that could be 134 00:07:45,960 --> 00:07:48,520 Speaker 1: before you go on the date or once you're on 135 00:07:48,560 --> 00:07:50,600 Speaker 1: a date. How do you decide if if you want 136 00:07:50,640 --> 00:07:52,960 Speaker 1: to go out with them for date two, three, four, 137 00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:57,040 Speaker 1: or five? And then there's presentation how are you showing 138 00:07:57,120 --> 00:07:59,040 Speaker 1: up on the dates? So we've done the mindset work. 139 00:07:59,600 --> 00:08:02,080 Speaker 1: We know who we're looking for, we know what we 140 00:08:02,120 --> 00:08:04,280 Speaker 1: bring to the table. How do you bring that forward 141 00:08:04,760 --> 00:08:08,880 Speaker 1: and within presentation. It's also like flirting skills because talking 142 00:08:08,880 --> 00:08:12,640 Speaker 1: about dating skills, I see flirting as a learned skill 143 00:08:13,440 --> 00:08:16,400 Speaker 1: and a lot of times, especially over the last couple 144 00:08:16,440 --> 00:08:19,320 Speaker 1: of years, a lot of folks were not practicing that 145 00:08:19,440 --> 00:08:22,840 Speaker 1: skill at all. So we get into the strategy of 146 00:08:22,880 --> 00:08:25,960 Speaker 1: that and of practicing the fleirning skills, because when you're 147 00:08:26,000 --> 00:08:29,360 Speaker 1: practicing the not flirting skills in other areas of your life, 148 00:08:29,400 --> 00:08:31,960 Speaker 1: those are the skills that get strengthened. And then the 149 00:08:32,040 --> 00:08:35,559 Speaker 1: last step is it's actually the simplest step and it's 150 00:08:35,600 --> 00:08:38,480 Speaker 1: the one that most people mess up, and it's follow through. 151 00:08:39,280 --> 00:08:42,280 Speaker 1: So how do you keep the conversation going? How do 152 00:08:42,320 --> 00:08:44,640 Speaker 1: you decide if this is the right person for you 153 00:08:44,840 --> 00:08:47,839 Speaker 1: if this is really a relationship that has legs for 154 00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:51,200 Speaker 1: long term compatibility. So most of my clients come to 155 00:08:51,280 --> 00:08:56,280 Speaker 1: me seeking long term committed relationships. It's been interesting because 156 00:08:56,280 --> 00:08:58,640 Speaker 1: I've been doing this for a while. It's not always marriage, 157 00:08:58,760 --> 00:09:01,679 Speaker 1: and I support that. It's not always the traditional and 158 00:09:01,720 --> 00:09:05,360 Speaker 1: I support that. But through this process we get clear 159 00:09:05,480 --> 00:09:08,560 Speaker 1: on what do you actually want and how do we 160 00:09:08,600 --> 00:09:12,280 Speaker 1: develop a dating plan that works for you and your specificals. 161 00:09:13,360 --> 00:09:16,120 Speaker 1: So I think it would be helpful to hear more 162 00:09:16,240 --> 00:09:19,600 Speaker 1: about because you've already said that you really don't work 163 00:09:19,600 --> 00:09:21,880 Speaker 1: with your clients in terms of this list of like Okay, 164 00:09:21,920 --> 00:09:25,040 Speaker 1: they have to be a certain height, certain grad school education, 165 00:09:25,080 --> 00:09:27,400 Speaker 1: like all of that stuff that doesn't actually predict long 166 00:09:27,520 --> 00:09:31,080 Speaker 1: term success. So what kinds of questions should people be 167 00:09:31,160 --> 00:09:33,640 Speaker 1: asking themselves about, like who they want in a partner, 168 00:09:33,720 --> 00:09:36,440 Speaker 1: Like how do you get clear about what might be 169 00:09:36,440 --> 00:09:39,000 Speaker 1: a good match for you? Well, I like to really 170 00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:41,920 Speaker 1: drill down into what are your goals for the future 171 00:09:42,559 --> 00:09:45,240 Speaker 1: and what are your values? I think in my work 172 00:09:45,280 --> 00:09:49,600 Speaker 1: those are the two biggest predictors of long term compatibility. 173 00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:53,040 Speaker 1: So what path are you traveling in your life? And 174 00:09:53,080 --> 00:09:56,120 Speaker 1: then what do you believe to be true about the world, 175 00:09:56,679 --> 00:09:59,040 Speaker 1: and we do all kinds of exercises. We do a 176 00:09:59,040 --> 00:10:02,440 Speaker 1: lot of visual zation. We do our own form of 177 00:10:02,520 --> 00:10:05,200 Speaker 1: list making. I'm not a big fan of like the checklist, 178 00:10:05,640 --> 00:10:09,040 Speaker 1: but we do kind of a more holistic list. But 179 00:10:09,800 --> 00:10:12,960 Speaker 1: we really talk about what does that look like and 180 00:10:13,040 --> 00:10:16,960 Speaker 1: what does it feel like? And I always say to 181 00:10:17,040 --> 00:10:21,280 Speaker 1: my clients, you may not know looking at this person's 182 00:10:21,320 --> 00:10:23,960 Speaker 1: picture on a dating app, you may not know that 183 00:10:23,960 --> 00:10:28,920 Speaker 1: that's your person. But if you get clear on how 184 00:10:28,960 --> 00:10:32,280 Speaker 1: you want to feel when you're with your partner and 185 00:10:32,400 --> 00:10:35,360 Speaker 1: you are sitting across from that person and you feel 186 00:10:35,720 --> 00:10:39,280 Speaker 1: that feeling repeated, then you will know. And he might 187 00:10:39,280 --> 00:10:41,760 Speaker 1: not look the same way, he might not fit all 188 00:10:41,800 --> 00:10:45,320 Speaker 1: those lists, those those little boxes that you checked on 189 00:10:45,360 --> 00:10:49,120 Speaker 1: your data app, But you're going to know when you 190 00:10:49,240 --> 00:10:52,960 Speaker 1: feel safe, when you feel like this person understands me, 191 00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:55,319 Speaker 1: this person sees me, this person gets me, and this 192 00:10:55,360 --> 00:10:57,520 Speaker 1: person wants the same things and wants to build the 193 00:10:57,600 --> 00:11:01,040 Speaker 1: same life that I want to live. Got it. So 194 00:11:01,120 --> 00:11:03,200 Speaker 1: you've already talked about you know, we don't necessarily have 195 00:11:03,280 --> 00:11:06,040 Speaker 1: to just confine ourselves so the five block radius around 196 00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:09,600 Speaker 1: our homes, right like online dating has really opened up 197 00:11:09,600 --> 00:11:11,880 Speaker 1: the world to us, And so what are some of 198 00:11:11,920 --> 00:11:15,720 Speaker 1: the reasons why people are pursuing online dating services to 199 00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:19,880 Speaker 1: kind of find partners. Well, we're doing everything online these days, right, 200 00:11:20,120 --> 00:11:23,479 Speaker 1: I mean, if you're you're on social media, you're texting, 201 00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:28,760 Speaker 1: you're buying, Like I get everything shipped to my house. 202 00:11:28,840 --> 00:11:30,880 Speaker 1: I don't want to go into a store if I 203 00:11:30,880 --> 00:11:33,800 Speaker 1: don't have to anymore. So when you think about that, 204 00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:38,920 Speaker 1: just the efficiency of using these technology tools, it's changed 205 00:11:38,920 --> 00:11:41,120 Speaker 1: our lives the way that we live our lives dramatically, 206 00:11:41,760 --> 00:11:46,880 Speaker 1: but it does create additional challenges, right, So I just 207 00:11:46,920 --> 00:11:49,760 Speaker 1: want people to be aware of how to use the 208 00:11:49,800 --> 00:11:53,000 Speaker 1: tool effectively. And I feel like dating apps often get 209 00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:58,400 Speaker 1: a bad rap because people are frustrated with dating. And 210 00:11:58,600 --> 00:12:01,320 Speaker 1: the biggest change that I've seen in the time that 211 00:12:01,360 --> 00:12:04,479 Speaker 1: I've been doing this is the speed of dating has increased, 212 00:12:04,960 --> 00:12:08,040 Speaker 1: Like it's become much more Like I don't want to 213 00:12:08,080 --> 00:12:10,560 Speaker 1: do all these dates. I just want my person to 214 00:12:10,640 --> 00:12:12,880 Speaker 1: land on my doorstep and trust me girl, Like, if 215 00:12:12,880 --> 00:12:15,520 Speaker 1: he ain't the FedEx man or pizza delivery man, like, 216 00:12:16,200 --> 00:12:18,760 Speaker 1: it's not gonna happen. You have to apply yourself in 217 00:12:18,800 --> 00:12:23,440 Speaker 1: a different way and dating apps are one tool that 218 00:12:23,520 --> 00:12:27,240 Speaker 1: helps us do that. But I think the reality is that, 219 00:12:27,440 --> 00:12:30,280 Speaker 1: like everything has sped up, the speed of communication has 220 00:12:30,320 --> 00:12:33,320 Speaker 1: sped up. So if you're mad at dating apps, you 221 00:12:33,360 --> 00:12:35,600 Speaker 1: may actually be mad at texting, you may be mad 222 00:12:35,640 --> 00:12:40,120 Speaker 1: at social media. And it's just a matter of figuring 223 00:12:40,120 --> 00:12:44,320 Speaker 1: out which tool, which dating app, is going to work 224 00:12:44,360 --> 00:12:49,040 Speaker 1: best for you, and how to use that tool effectively. 225 00:12:49,760 --> 00:12:53,520 Speaker 1: And so when I look at what has changed the 226 00:12:53,600 --> 00:12:56,080 Speaker 1: dating landscape since I started, there's been a couple of 227 00:12:56,080 --> 00:13:00,640 Speaker 1: big shifts, But one was just this art phone and 228 00:13:00,679 --> 00:13:03,840 Speaker 1: moving to Like when I started online dating, it was 229 00:13:04,280 --> 00:13:09,480 Speaker 1: it was like desktop. It was full on desktop. It 230 00:13:09,520 --> 00:13:12,480 Speaker 1: wasn't even laptop, it was full on desktop computer. Like 231 00:13:12,600 --> 00:13:15,160 Speaker 1: now we can take our app with us, and it's 232 00:13:15,160 --> 00:13:18,560 Speaker 1: become a more social process, kind of the way that 233 00:13:18,720 --> 00:13:22,000 Speaker 1: dating was out in the wild. Before you know, you'd 234 00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:24,360 Speaker 1: ask your girlfriends like is he looking at me? Is 235 00:13:24,400 --> 00:13:26,840 Speaker 1: he cute? You know? So now we do that in 236 00:13:26,880 --> 00:13:31,320 Speaker 1: the app, right, We show our friends who were matching 237 00:13:31,360 --> 00:13:34,319 Speaker 1: with and ask their opinions. And then the other thing 238 00:13:34,360 --> 00:13:37,520 Speaker 1: that is shifted is just I mean, we can't have 239 00:13:37,600 --> 00:13:40,640 Speaker 1: this conversation without talking about the impact of COVID and 240 00:13:40,800 --> 00:13:43,400 Speaker 1: I work with okay Cupid as their official dating coach, 241 00:13:43,440 --> 00:13:48,439 Speaker 1: and we've seen that really throughout the pandemic, dating apps 242 00:13:48,520 --> 00:13:51,360 Speaker 1: were the only option for a lot of people to 243 00:13:51,520 --> 00:13:55,960 Speaker 1: stay connected and stay in the dating space. And we've 244 00:13:56,000 --> 00:14:00,480 Speaker 1: seen especially for black women. Black women are having more 245 00:14:00,559 --> 00:14:05,880 Speaker 1: success online and on okay Cupid over the last three years. 246 00:14:06,240 --> 00:14:10,240 Speaker 1: They are getting more matches than any time before. In 247 00:14:10,280 --> 00:14:14,160 Speaker 1: the past three years, it's continued to increase. So that 248 00:14:14,360 --> 00:14:18,760 Speaker 1: says to me that it is creating a space for everyone, 249 00:14:18,880 --> 00:14:22,400 Speaker 1: but also for black women to make connections that maybe 250 00:14:22,440 --> 00:14:25,560 Speaker 1: weren't available to us, or that it definitely had a 251 00:14:25,600 --> 00:14:28,600 Speaker 1: stigma before. I don't know what your feelings are on dating. Well, 252 00:14:28,640 --> 00:14:31,800 Speaker 1: I've met my husband. I've met my husband online too, 253 00:14:31,880 --> 00:14:35,840 Speaker 1: so I am yes, I didn't even know that. I 254 00:14:35,880 --> 00:14:38,800 Speaker 1: didn't know that, so you know, we're in the know here. 255 00:14:39,040 --> 00:14:41,400 Speaker 1: But I'm sure for a lot of your listeners they're like, 256 00:14:42,240 --> 00:14:45,040 Speaker 1: I don't know, like dating apps, that's for weird people 257 00:14:45,200 --> 00:14:48,760 Speaker 1: that or that's like what you do when you're desperate. 258 00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:52,160 Speaker 1: But you and I are desperate. Dr Joe, No, I mean, 259 00:14:52,200 --> 00:14:54,760 Speaker 1: and there's much to say to me when people because 260 00:14:54,760 --> 00:14:57,840 Speaker 1: it feels like technology has like moved so fast that 261 00:14:58,400 --> 00:15:00,720 Speaker 1: of course that's where your meeting partners look like you said, 262 00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:02,800 Speaker 1: we're doing everything online, and so I think it is 263 00:15:02,880 --> 00:15:05,560 Speaker 1: sometimes a little shocking to me when I hear, especially 264 00:15:05,600 --> 00:15:08,840 Speaker 1: much younger people have the same kind of sentiment related 265 00:15:08,920 --> 00:15:11,280 Speaker 1: to dating apps, because it feels like we're doing everything online. 266 00:15:11,280 --> 00:15:13,400 Speaker 1: So of course this is also where you meet people 267 00:15:13,400 --> 00:15:16,880 Speaker 1: who are potential daters. I will say, I do notice 268 00:15:16,920 --> 00:15:21,760 Speaker 1: a generational shift. A lot of my younger dates and 269 00:15:21,840 --> 00:15:25,000 Speaker 1: MATS listeners that are like, you know, under let's say 270 00:15:25,080 --> 00:15:30,040 Speaker 1: under thirty. They grew up with technology. They don't even differentiate. 271 00:15:30,440 --> 00:15:33,560 Speaker 1: It's just dating like dating apps. It's not how I 272 00:15:33,680 --> 00:15:36,240 Speaker 1: met on a dating app or I met this way. 273 00:15:36,360 --> 00:15:39,440 Speaker 1: And yet I still sometimes hear from daters of I'll 274 00:15:39,440 --> 00:15:42,760 Speaker 1: just go ahead and say my generation and older who 275 00:15:42,880 --> 00:15:44,720 Speaker 1: still feel like that's not the story that I want 276 00:15:44,720 --> 00:15:47,160 Speaker 1: to tell my kids, and I don't know, I like 277 00:15:47,360 --> 00:15:50,840 Speaker 1: to have my kids to tell the story too. They 278 00:15:50,840 --> 00:15:53,160 Speaker 1: do not care at all how we met. This is 279 00:15:53,320 --> 00:15:55,440 Speaker 1: now kind of going back to the mindset work. Whatever 280 00:15:55,480 --> 00:16:00,120 Speaker 1: that story is that you're telling yourself about what that means, 281 00:16:00,520 --> 00:16:03,000 Speaker 1: if you can just let that out of your mind, 282 00:16:03,080 --> 00:16:06,680 Speaker 1: because the venue doesn't matter, it's once you have the 283 00:16:06,760 --> 00:16:11,120 Speaker 1: connection that's really what we're going for. So online dating 284 00:16:11,280 --> 00:16:15,200 Speaker 1: really today it's just dating more. From my conversation with 285 00:16:15,280 --> 00:16:30,240 Speaker 1: Demona after the break, So what are some of the 286 00:16:30,280 --> 00:16:32,320 Speaker 1: best practices, Like, what are some of the things that 287 00:16:32,360 --> 00:16:35,760 Speaker 1: you are consistently telling your clients about how to do 288 00:16:35,960 --> 00:16:40,800 Speaker 1: dating online? Now we're really getting fun stuff. Girls, Get 289 00:16:40,840 --> 00:16:43,240 Speaker 1: your pen and paper ready or get your digital device 290 00:16:43,280 --> 00:16:46,640 Speaker 1: to take notes on first, I tell people the profiles 291 00:16:46,680 --> 00:16:50,040 Speaker 1: everything right, and that is your calling cards. So, like 292 00:16:50,160 --> 00:16:55,120 Speaker 1: back to my original career as a casting director, the 293 00:16:55,160 --> 00:16:57,880 Speaker 1: headshot was what got you in the door. Once you 294 00:16:57,920 --> 00:17:01,040 Speaker 1: get there, you're on your own. But no, I'm kidding. 295 00:17:01,200 --> 00:17:03,520 Speaker 1: I help people throughout this entire process. But that's the 296 00:17:03,560 --> 00:17:07,160 Speaker 1: most important thing because if you don't have your profile 297 00:17:07,240 --> 00:17:09,520 Speaker 1: on point, you're not going to get the matches that 298 00:17:09,560 --> 00:17:13,040 Speaker 1: you want. And you really have to keep in the 299 00:17:13,080 --> 00:17:16,320 Speaker 1: forefront of your mind that it's about quality and not 300 00:17:16,480 --> 00:17:21,760 Speaker 1: about quantity. Because when we're talking about these new tools 301 00:17:21,800 --> 00:17:27,480 Speaker 1: like social media, we think, oh, I need the most likes. No, 302 00:17:28,119 --> 00:17:30,520 Speaker 1: not in nating apps, you don't want the most likes, 303 00:17:30,560 --> 00:17:32,200 Speaker 1: you want the best likes. And you also have to 304 00:17:32,240 --> 00:17:36,000 Speaker 1: Remember it's a tool. You're programming the tool to work 305 00:17:36,040 --> 00:17:40,880 Speaker 1: for you. So who you connect with, who you message with, 306 00:17:41,240 --> 00:17:43,840 Speaker 1: who you pass on, all of those things are part 307 00:17:43,880 --> 00:17:47,000 Speaker 1: of programming the algorithm. But first we want to get 308 00:17:47,080 --> 00:17:51,000 Speaker 1: your profile, bringing in the options so that you can 309 00:17:51,040 --> 00:17:53,919 Speaker 1: start doing the sorting and telling the app how to 310 00:17:54,000 --> 00:17:57,679 Speaker 1: work for you. And this is my simple formula for 311 00:17:57,760 --> 00:18:00,439 Speaker 1: a profile. You want to use the three cs. The 312 00:18:00,520 --> 00:18:06,119 Speaker 1: three c's are color, context, and character. Color. That is 313 00:18:06,160 --> 00:18:09,479 Speaker 1: actually psychological. I'm curious to hear what you think about this, 314 00:18:09,600 --> 00:18:13,480 Speaker 1: but studies have shown that men are more attracted to 315 00:18:13,520 --> 00:18:16,119 Speaker 1: the color red. And when we think about red in 316 00:18:16,640 --> 00:18:20,800 Speaker 1: the natural world, red conditions us to stop and pay attention. 317 00:18:21,240 --> 00:18:25,280 Speaker 1: So you might want to think about wearing the color red, 318 00:18:25,920 --> 00:18:29,199 Speaker 1: but even just wearing a bright color or having Like 319 00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:31,680 Speaker 1: I live in l A. We have this very famous 320 00:18:31,720 --> 00:18:34,840 Speaker 1: pink selfie w all. You've probably seen it on Instagram. 321 00:18:35,160 --> 00:18:39,560 Speaker 1: Why is it so popular Because the color stands out 322 00:18:39,920 --> 00:18:43,240 Speaker 1: and it draws the eye. So we want to think strategically, 323 00:18:43,280 --> 00:18:46,800 Speaker 1: first color and then contacts. That's telling your story through 324 00:18:46,800 --> 00:18:49,320 Speaker 1: your photos. And everybody says, why don't they just read 325 00:18:49,480 --> 00:18:52,360 Speaker 1: everything that I wrote my profile? Nobody ever reads. It's 326 00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:54,680 Speaker 1: just a shortcut. It's a short cut. And then once 327 00:18:54,960 --> 00:18:57,080 Speaker 1: you get them in, then they'll read more of your 328 00:18:57,080 --> 00:19:02,560 Speaker 1: profile and then character and character is like showing your personality, 329 00:19:02,640 --> 00:19:07,000 Speaker 1: showing your sense of humor, showing if you're nerdy. And 330 00:19:07,720 --> 00:19:10,880 Speaker 1: I had a client who she was really into comic con, 331 00:19:11,320 --> 00:19:15,000 Speaker 1: and she had her little comic con cosplay outfit in 332 00:19:15,080 --> 00:19:17,320 Speaker 1: one of her photos, and that was the thing that 333 00:19:17,400 --> 00:19:20,200 Speaker 1: got people to say, this isn't just a cute girl, 334 00:19:20,280 --> 00:19:24,400 Speaker 1: this is someone that I really would want to connect with. 335 00:19:24,880 --> 00:19:27,760 Speaker 1: And she got so many comments based on that one 336 00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:32,359 Speaker 1: photo alone that that really drove her dating experience. So basically, 337 00:19:32,520 --> 00:19:34,560 Speaker 1: what you're saying is that before we even get to 338 00:19:34,600 --> 00:19:36,840 Speaker 1: anything we're writing, we're trying to do a lot of 339 00:19:36,880 --> 00:19:41,199 Speaker 1: this just through our pictures. Of course, of course we 340 00:19:41,240 --> 00:19:45,840 Speaker 1: have to signal that as someone is swiping through, hey 341 00:19:45,920 --> 00:19:49,960 Speaker 1: stop pay attention. And of course you put your bikini 342 00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:52,679 Speaker 1: shot in, you're gonna get a lot of matches. But 343 00:19:52,840 --> 00:19:55,360 Speaker 1: I did a profile polish for Shonda Land a while 344 00:19:55,400 --> 00:19:58,520 Speaker 1: ago for their blog, and the woman came to me 345 00:19:58,560 --> 00:20:01,240 Speaker 1: and she was like, you, I get a lot of matches, 346 00:20:01,320 --> 00:20:03,960 Speaker 1: but I haven't had a boyfriend in two years and 347 00:20:04,040 --> 00:20:05,639 Speaker 1: I don't know what's going on. And I looked. She 348 00:20:05,680 --> 00:20:09,000 Speaker 1: had bikini shots, she had drinking shots, she had party shots, 349 00:20:09,440 --> 00:20:12,040 Speaker 1: and I think she was like in her late twenties. 350 00:20:12,119 --> 00:20:13,760 Speaker 1: And I'm like, what do you want? Well, I want 351 00:20:13,760 --> 00:20:17,639 Speaker 1: a relationship, I want marriage. And I said, how are 352 00:20:17,680 --> 00:20:21,439 Speaker 1: you marketing yourself? Though? You're getting a lot of matches, 353 00:20:21,480 --> 00:20:25,280 Speaker 1: but they're not specific to you, they're not quality matches. 354 00:20:25,720 --> 00:20:29,399 Speaker 1: So we revised her profile focused on the three c's, 355 00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:33,560 Speaker 1: and then we came back and met again and she 356 00:20:33,760 --> 00:20:36,840 Speaker 1: was like, this has been great because I'm not crushed 357 00:20:36,840 --> 00:20:39,640 Speaker 1: by the number of messages, like she just had such 358 00:20:39,680 --> 00:20:42,040 Speaker 1: a high volume of messages before she got overwhelmed she 359 00:20:42,040 --> 00:20:45,040 Speaker 1: couldn't even get through them. But they're specific. They're pointing 360 00:20:45,040 --> 00:20:47,679 Speaker 1: out certain things that they've read in my profile, that 361 00:20:47,720 --> 00:20:51,560 Speaker 1: they've seen in my pictures, and the quality of my matches. 362 00:20:51,720 --> 00:20:55,760 Speaker 1: Even though the quantity is decreased, the quality has increased. 363 00:20:56,600 --> 00:20:59,359 Speaker 1: I like it. So once we get our pictures and 364 00:20:59,400 --> 00:21:01,280 Speaker 1: our set of pig just together, what kind of thing 365 00:21:01,320 --> 00:21:04,119 Speaker 1: should we be writing? Then in the narrative section, like 366 00:21:04,160 --> 00:21:06,480 Speaker 1: what kind of thing should you see it? There? Okay, 367 00:21:06,520 --> 00:21:10,800 Speaker 1: so the narrative section, the about me. It has to 368 00:21:10,840 --> 00:21:16,119 Speaker 1: be infused with a lot of information in a short, 369 00:21:16,480 --> 00:21:21,000 Speaker 1: little paragraph, and so this is where we have to 370 00:21:21,359 --> 00:21:25,320 Speaker 1: write and rewrite, and what you first put down is 371 00:21:25,440 --> 00:21:30,560 Speaker 1: probably not going to be ultimately the right profile. So 372 00:21:30,760 --> 00:21:32,960 Speaker 1: a lot of times people will just start with a 373 00:21:33,080 --> 00:21:36,639 Speaker 1: preamble and I can. I can strike the first line 374 00:21:36,720 --> 00:21:40,160 Speaker 1: of most people's dating profiles, it's I can't believe I'm here. 375 00:21:40,240 --> 00:21:44,439 Speaker 1: I didn't think I would end up right. It's like 376 00:21:44,480 --> 00:21:47,320 Speaker 1: an explanation of how I got here. I like to 377 00:21:47,400 --> 00:21:52,879 Speaker 1: use that real estate very strategically. Start with your headline. 378 00:21:52,920 --> 00:21:56,600 Speaker 1: Like dating profiles used to have a headline or a 379 00:21:56,760 --> 00:21:58,520 Speaker 1: user name that said a little bit more about what 380 00:21:58,560 --> 00:22:01,040 Speaker 1: you're about. But that's the first thing people are going 381 00:22:01,080 --> 00:22:04,200 Speaker 1: to see. So it's okay. You can say like faith, family, 382 00:22:04,240 --> 00:22:07,760 Speaker 1: and fun are the things that fuel me, or you know, 383 00:22:07,840 --> 00:22:13,040 Speaker 1: you could say nerdy cosplay girls seeking I see. I 384 00:22:13,040 --> 00:22:14,960 Speaker 1: can't even do the comic con references because I don't 385 00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:17,919 Speaker 1: really even know enough about that. But you can be 386 00:22:18,000 --> 00:22:21,600 Speaker 1: really specific here about who you are and really make 387 00:22:21,680 --> 00:22:25,320 Speaker 1: that paragraph about you. It's the about me, it should 388 00:22:25,359 --> 00:22:27,679 Speaker 1: be about you. A lot of times people will say 389 00:22:27,720 --> 00:22:32,760 Speaker 1: what they're looking for and then they haven't really ben 390 00:22:32,840 --> 00:22:37,320 Speaker 1: specific about who they are. And that is the thing 391 00:22:37,359 --> 00:22:41,120 Speaker 1: that ultimately is getting the person attracted to you and 392 00:22:41,520 --> 00:22:45,240 Speaker 1: to take the initiative to actually send you a message. 393 00:22:45,560 --> 00:22:50,520 Speaker 1: So go through and just anything that is extra, go 394 00:22:50,600 --> 00:22:54,800 Speaker 1: ahead and just strike it out, just cut it out 395 00:22:54,840 --> 00:22:57,680 Speaker 1: and get it to the meat of the story. Storytelling 396 00:22:58,240 --> 00:23:01,040 Speaker 1: is really at the heart of a great profile and 397 00:23:01,080 --> 00:23:03,560 Speaker 1: taking somebody on a journey, painting a picture of the 398 00:23:03,600 --> 00:23:06,080 Speaker 1: life that you live and the things that you want 399 00:23:06,160 --> 00:23:09,080 Speaker 1: to do. I'll give you a hot tip because as 400 00:23:09,080 --> 00:23:11,480 Speaker 1: Okay Keupid dating expert, I can see all the data 401 00:23:11,560 --> 00:23:16,680 Speaker 1: of what trends we're seeing and which words are popping 402 00:23:16,760 --> 00:23:20,439 Speaker 1: on profiles. There are certain words that do very well. 403 00:23:20,640 --> 00:23:25,560 Speaker 1: So if you use the word music, travel, fun food 404 00:23:26,200 --> 00:23:30,760 Speaker 1: or dog music, travel food or dog those for some 405 00:23:30,920 --> 00:23:33,640 Speaker 1: reason dr joy those always do well. But I think 406 00:23:33,640 --> 00:23:38,639 Speaker 1: it's because it's about our lifestyle or it's aspirational. And 407 00:23:39,240 --> 00:23:42,680 Speaker 1: when we are using those words, were usually telling stories 408 00:23:43,280 --> 00:23:45,159 Speaker 1: that paint a picture of what it would be like 409 00:23:45,320 --> 00:23:48,879 Speaker 1: to date us. So you mentioned earlier than you know 410 00:23:49,040 --> 00:23:52,280 Speaker 1: because of COOLVID, you have definitely seen numbers increase in 411 00:23:52,400 --> 00:23:55,199 Speaker 1: terms of like black women getting more matches. What are 412 00:23:55,240 --> 00:23:57,520 Speaker 1: some other trends that you've seen kind of since the 413 00:23:57,560 --> 00:24:00,200 Speaker 1: pandemic or other things that you've seen performed very will 414 00:24:00,240 --> 00:24:04,200 Speaker 1: for people in their dating profiles. Well, I'll start with 415 00:24:04,320 --> 00:24:07,440 Speaker 1: the trends that we've seen since the pandemic. We've seen 416 00:24:07,600 --> 00:24:13,680 Speaker 1: that people are really more focused on relationships. We thought 417 00:24:13,760 --> 00:24:17,960 Speaker 1: we might see that after the pandemic, people were just like, 418 00:24:18,680 --> 00:24:20,560 Speaker 1: like we were saying, last summer was going to be 419 00:24:20,800 --> 00:24:24,639 Speaker 1: hot girl summer, you know, and everybody was going to 420 00:24:24,720 --> 00:24:28,160 Speaker 1: want to come out of their houses and just let loose. 421 00:24:28,200 --> 00:24:31,920 Speaker 1: But it seems like really what happened was during the pandemic, 422 00:24:31,960 --> 00:24:35,120 Speaker 1: people got really clear on what was important to them, 423 00:24:35,720 --> 00:24:39,600 Speaker 1: and that mindset work that I was talking about really 424 00:24:40,280 --> 00:24:43,040 Speaker 1: came to the forefront for a lot of people, and 425 00:24:43,520 --> 00:24:47,080 Speaker 1: it caused us to really figure out how do I 426 00:24:47,160 --> 00:24:49,960 Speaker 1: want to live my life and where do I want 427 00:24:50,000 --> 00:24:52,479 Speaker 1: to be. Even obviously we saw a lot of people 428 00:24:53,080 --> 00:24:57,280 Speaker 1: that realized that if their job could be virtual and 429 00:24:57,280 --> 00:24:59,840 Speaker 1: they didn't need to be based in a particular place, 430 00:25:00,359 --> 00:25:03,639 Speaker 1: that they might want to move back with family, or 431 00:25:03,680 --> 00:25:08,120 Speaker 1: move across country or live internationally. And it just opened 432 00:25:08,240 --> 00:25:12,080 Speaker 1: up the possibility for people to live the life that 433 00:25:12,160 --> 00:25:15,120 Speaker 1: they really wanted, when before I think we weren't even 434 00:25:15,160 --> 00:25:19,160 Speaker 1: really given this space too to ask some of those questions. 435 00:25:19,560 --> 00:25:23,880 Speaker 1: So we are seeing that people are expanding their distance preferences. 436 00:25:24,119 --> 00:25:30,080 Speaker 1: Black women have expanded beyond a hundred miles, which I 437 00:25:30,119 --> 00:25:34,800 Speaker 1: think is actually a really wonderful opportunity and really how 438 00:25:34,880 --> 00:25:40,000 Speaker 1: dating apps should be used most effectively, because if you 439 00:25:40,080 --> 00:25:43,040 Speaker 1: go out in your local community, like you, you've got 440 00:25:43,160 --> 00:25:45,640 Speaker 1: to know the people you're gonna know. But if you 441 00:25:45,960 --> 00:25:51,440 Speaker 1: can just expand your pool, that can expand your chances exponentially. 442 00:25:51,960 --> 00:25:57,480 Speaker 1: We also are seeing that people are wanting their relationships 443 00:25:57,520 --> 00:26:00,560 Speaker 1: really to last. So black women on okay Cupid said 444 00:26:00,600 --> 00:26:04,360 Speaker 1: that they wanted long term commitment and they wanted their 445 00:26:04,400 --> 00:26:08,400 Speaker 1: next relationship to last the rest of their life. Said 446 00:26:08,440 --> 00:26:14,760 Speaker 1: that said several years, and only three percent said one night, 447 00:26:15,640 --> 00:26:17,359 Speaker 1: which I think you know a lot of people, I 448 00:26:17,400 --> 00:26:20,160 Speaker 1: don't know what it was like when you were online dating, 449 00:26:20,200 --> 00:26:23,000 Speaker 1: but a lot of people assumed that like, oh, that's 450 00:26:23,040 --> 00:26:26,720 Speaker 1: just for hook ups, that's transactional. But we're really seeing it, Okay, 451 00:26:26,800 --> 00:26:28,520 Speaker 1: keep it that is not the case at all. What 452 00:26:28,600 --> 00:26:30,639 Speaker 1: was it like? Tell me I would have married what 453 00:26:30,960 --> 00:26:33,679 Speaker 1: like ten years now, So I mean, so I don't know, 454 00:26:33,720 --> 00:26:35,240 Speaker 1: we may have been online, well you've been with your 455 00:26:35,280 --> 00:26:38,200 Speaker 1: husband for fifteen years a little longer, but yeah, I 456 00:26:38,240 --> 00:26:41,240 Speaker 1: mean I definitely didn't see it as an online hook 457 00:26:41,280 --> 00:26:43,040 Speaker 1: up kind of thing because that's not what I was 458 00:26:43,080 --> 00:26:46,280 Speaker 1: looking for. Though I'm sure you can't use them that way, right, 459 00:26:46,359 --> 00:26:48,080 Speaker 1: like if you can kind of get whatever it is 460 00:26:48,119 --> 00:26:50,200 Speaker 1: that you're looking for now, I definitely feel like because 461 00:26:50,200 --> 00:26:53,040 Speaker 1: there are more apps available now, I do feel some 462 00:26:53,080 --> 00:26:56,080 Speaker 1: of them have the connotation of being a place where 463 00:26:56,080 --> 00:26:58,000 Speaker 1: you go to find people that you're interested in hooking 464 00:26:58,080 --> 00:27:00,639 Speaker 1: up with, as opposed to like series is Lee Dating. 465 00:27:01,119 --> 00:27:05,200 Speaker 1: M h. Yeah. It really depends on where you are 466 00:27:06,000 --> 00:27:09,719 Speaker 1: and also what kind of functionality do you like, Like 467 00:27:09,800 --> 00:27:12,840 Speaker 1: I love that Okay Cupid they have the stacks at 468 00:27:12,880 --> 00:27:17,440 Speaker 1: the top where you can search based on specific qualities, 469 00:27:17,480 --> 00:27:19,440 Speaker 1: but you can search based on distance, you can search 470 00:27:19,440 --> 00:27:23,240 Speaker 1: based on new and I like that over just being 471 00:27:23,280 --> 00:27:26,000 Speaker 1: on a general swipe app that it's like whoever comes up, 472 00:27:26,040 --> 00:27:28,520 Speaker 1: whoever comes up, And you can also because we have 473 00:27:28,560 --> 00:27:32,160 Speaker 1: the matching questions, you can search based on what's important 474 00:27:32,200 --> 00:27:35,120 Speaker 1: to you, and you can even have deal breakers that 475 00:27:35,240 --> 00:27:39,120 Speaker 1: filter out people that don't match for you, So I like, 476 00:27:39,400 --> 00:27:41,400 Speaker 1: you know, as a dating coach, I can really get 477 00:27:41,400 --> 00:27:45,200 Speaker 1: in there and like pull the different levers to get 478 00:27:45,240 --> 00:27:48,800 Speaker 1: you a better dating pool, because it can get exhausting 479 00:27:48,840 --> 00:27:51,399 Speaker 1: if you're just like I'm just swiping and swiping and 480 00:27:51,400 --> 00:27:54,760 Speaker 1: swiping through pictures. I know that that can get exhausting. 481 00:27:54,800 --> 00:27:58,879 Speaker 1: But that's why I feel like a strategy for how 482 00:27:58,960 --> 00:28:03,960 Speaker 1: to use dating app is really important because like we're busy. 483 00:28:04,560 --> 00:28:07,760 Speaker 1: We we don't have a lot of time to put 484 00:28:07,800 --> 00:28:13,200 Speaker 1: into making dating a second job for ourselves, So if 485 00:28:13,280 --> 00:28:17,280 Speaker 1: you can do it more efficiently, then why not maximize 486 00:28:17,280 --> 00:28:21,040 Speaker 1: your time? Right? Right? For sure? So you know, something 487 00:28:21,080 --> 00:28:23,480 Speaker 1: else that I think often comes of is the safety 488 00:28:23,520 --> 00:28:26,800 Speaker 1: issue related to online dating. Right even though you know, 489 00:28:26,920 --> 00:28:28,960 Speaker 1: we know there's a safety concern even if you beat 490 00:28:28,960 --> 00:28:31,520 Speaker 1: people in the grocery store, right, But for some reason, 491 00:28:32,080 --> 00:28:35,040 Speaker 1: online dating has this like added safety concern for people. 492 00:28:35,040 --> 00:28:36,840 Speaker 1: And so I'd love to hear your thoughts around like 493 00:28:36,920 --> 00:28:40,240 Speaker 1: boundaries and other things people should be setting or keeping 494 00:28:40,240 --> 00:28:43,080 Speaker 1: in mind as a release to like taking an interaction 495 00:28:43,200 --> 00:28:46,840 Speaker 1: online into the offline world. It's a great question. And 496 00:28:47,080 --> 00:28:48,760 Speaker 1: I work at the Drew Barrymore Show, and I said 497 00:28:48,800 --> 00:28:50,840 Speaker 1: to Drew. At one point, I was going to write 498 00:28:50,840 --> 00:28:54,000 Speaker 1: a book called that Could Have Been Dead, just about 499 00:28:54,080 --> 00:28:57,160 Speaker 1: all of the things that happened in real life dr Joy, 500 00:28:57,400 --> 00:29:01,400 Speaker 1: like not online dating when I was uh single and 501 00:29:01,440 --> 00:29:05,920 Speaker 1: in these streets like you didn't know anything, Like I 502 00:29:06,040 --> 00:29:08,440 Speaker 1: just met you in a bar and I'm like, I'm 503 00:29:08,560 --> 00:29:11,720 Speaker 1: sure I'll go in a car with you. So let 504 00:29:11,720 --> 00:29:15,800 Speaker 1: me just give you my rules for online dating safety 505 00:29:16,800 --> 00:29:19,440 Speaker 1: that I tell my clients. But you have to remember 506 00:29:19,440 --> 00:29:22,520 Speaker 1: there's like an element of risk in any meeting any stranger. 507 00:29:22,640 --> 00:29:27,160 Speaker 1: But if you meet them in a public place, let's 508 00:29:27,160 --> 00:29:30,360 Speaker 1: back up before you even meet them. I think it's 509 00:29:30,360 --> 00:29:33,360 Speaker 1: a good idea just to do a basic level Google search. 510 00:29:33,560 --> 00:29:37,120 Speaker 1: Don't call Google sleuth on me, just like a basic 511 00:29:37,600 --> 00:29:41,719 Speaker 1: search that just makes sure that this person lines up 512 00:29:41,760 --> 00:29:44,560 Speaker 1: with what they've told you, that there's nothing crazy that 513 00:29:44,600 --> 00:29:48,000 Speaker 1: comes up associated with them. If your spidy senses are 514 00:29:48,000 --> 00:29:51,400 Speaker 1: going off and you're feeling like something doesn't seem right, 515 00:29:51,960 --> 00:29:54,720 Speaker 1: or like they call you at weird times, or they 516 00:29:54,720 --> 00:29:57,840 Speaker 1: can never FaceTime before the day, I'm a big fan 517 00:29:57,880 --> 00:30:00,239 Speaker 1: of doing a phone call or a FaceTime before you 518 00:30:00,280 --> 00:30:02,520 Speaker 1: go to the date, to do a pre screen that 519 00:30:02,560 --> 00:30:04,840 Speaker 1: will save you a lot of time, a lot of ghosting, 520 00:30:04,960 --> 00:30:07,480 Speaker 1: a lot of heartache. But then once you get there, 521 00:30:07,640 --> 00:30:09,600 Speaker 1: meet them in a public place that you're familiar with, 522 00:30:10,040 --> 00:30:12,440 Speaker 1: drop a pin and share it with your friends so 523 00:30:12,560 --> 00:30:15,360 Speaker 1: your friends know and say, girl, I'm gonna text you. 524 00:30:15,360 --> 00:30:18,200 Speaker 1: You know, say first of all, text me in an 525 00:30:18,200 --> 00:30:21,280 Speaker 1: hour if if I haven't texted you, so that I 526 00:30:21,280 --> 00:30:22,840 Speaker 1: can get out of this date if I need to. 527 00:30:23,480 --> 00:30:26,520 Speaker 1: But if you've done your preparation, you probably won't need it. 528 00:30:26,560 --> 00:30:28,480 Speaker 1: But it's good to have the safety net. Let them 529 00:30:28,480 --> 00:30:31,280 Speaker 1: know the information you know about this person and where 530 00:30:31,320 --> 00:30:33,840 Speaker 1: you're going to be, and that you'll text them when 531 00:30:34,320 --> 00:30:38,560 Speaker 1: you get home safely. And generally most of the people 532 00:30:38,600 --> 00:30:43,080 Speaker 1: you meet are not going to be scammers. You're probably 533 00:30:43,120 --> 00:30:45,880 Speaker 1: not going to meet the Tinder swindler, like we love 534 00:30:45,920 --> 00:30:51,240 Speaker 1: those stories because they're so outrageous and unlikely to happen. 535 00:30:51,880 --> 00:30:54,920 Speaker 1: So if you just follow some basic safety rules, then 536 00:30:55,000 --> 00:30:58,960 Speaker 1: you can just show up and be comfortable, and then 537 00:30:59,040 --> 00:31:02,000 Speaker 1: also listening to your intuition. That's going to be your 538 00:31:02,000 --> 00:31:06,840 Speaker 1: biggest clue if something is not right. More from my 539 00:31:06,920 --> 00:31:19,400 Speaker 1: conversation with Demona after the break. So, Demona, you know 540 00:31:19,440 --> 00:31:21,640 Speaker 1: the other thing that I have been concerned about. I've 541 00:31:21,640 --> 00:31:26,680 Speaker 1: heard feedback around is the microaggressions and colorism and frankly 542 00:31:26,720 --> 00:31:30,719 Speaker 1: outright racism that often exists when black women use dating apps. 543 00:31:30,720 --> 00:31:33,520 Speaker 1: Can you speak a little bit about that? On dating apps, 544 00:31:33,560 --> 00:31:38,000 Speaker 1: just like anywhere else in the world that we move through, 545 00:31:38,680 --> 00:31:43,479 Speaker 1: we sometimes are confronted with microaggressions, with colorism, sometimes with 546 00:31:43,520 --> 00:31:50,160 Speaker 1: outright racism, and it's important for you to know how 547 00:31:50,200 --> 00:31:53,880 Speaker 1: you're going to respond to it because you're probably going 548 00:31:53,920 --> 00:31:58,200 Speaker 1: to encounter it at some point and each situation would 549 00:31:58,240 --> 00:32:01,360 Speaker 1: require a different response. So the first question is just 550 00:32:02,080 --> 00:32:05,480 Speaker 1: to figure out how am I going to respond to this? 551 00:32:05,600 --> 00:32:08,080 Speaker 1: How do I want to respond to this? If it's 552 00:32:08,120 --> 00:32:12,000 Speaker 1: something that is egregious and outright racist and something that 553 00:32:12,320 --> 00:32:16,360 Speaker 1: the dating app should know about, you should definitely report it. 554 00:32:16,640 --> 00:32:20,720 Speaker 1: Too many times, both on dating apps and in other spaces, 555 00:32:21,360 --> 00:32:24,480 Speaker 1: we don't speak up because, look, I get it, like 556 00:32:24,960 --> 00:32:29,960 Speaker 1: sometimes it can be overwhelming, and it happens often, and 557 00:32:30,360 --> 00:32:32,920 Speaker 1: you think, I don't want to have to be the 558 00:32:32,920 --> 00:32:35,920 Speaker 1: one sounding the alarm every time. But if you don't 559 00:32:35,920 --> 00:32:38,960 Speaker 1: say anything and the next person doesn't say anything, then 560 00:32:39,040 --> 00:32:41,960 Speaker 1: nothing will get done. So I do encourage you if 561 00:32:41,960 --> 00:32:46,920 Speaker 1: it's something that is not teachable, it is something that 562 00:32:47,240 --> 00:32:51,800 Speaker 1: is just offensive or aggressive, to go ahead and raise 563 00:32:51,840 --> 00:32:55,600 Speaker 1: your hand and say something to the app If it's 564 00:32:55,640 --> 00:33:00,920 Speaker 1: something where it's a microaggression or it's somebody's kind of 565 00:33:01,000 --> 00:33:06,240 Speaker 1: hiding behind a preference, you might want to get curious 566 00:33:06,320 --> 00:33:09,440 Speaker 1: about how that person thinks and how they came to 567 00:33:09,520 --> 00:33:12,480 Speaker 1: that conclusion. And you have a choice. You have an 568 00:33:12,480 --> 00:33:17,280 Speaker 1: option to ask them clarifying questions or educate them. Say 569 00:33:17,600 --> 00:33:21,000 Speaker 1: you might not realize this, but this is an issue. 570 00:33:21,120 --> 00:33:25,520 Speaker 1: And as someone who dated inter racially, I found that 571 00:33:26,120 --> 00:33:30,120 Speaker 1: a lot of people just were not aware of certain 572 00:33:30,160 --> 00:33:34,320 Speaker 1: things about black women, about black culture. And it wasn't 573 00:33:34,400 --> 00:33:36,520 Speaker 1: out of a place of malice, but it was out 574 00:33:36,520 --> 00:33:40,080 Speaker 1: of a place of ignorance. And there's an opportunity there 575 00:33:40,120 --> 00:33:45,640 Speaker 1: sometimes to educate people, but that's a lot of responsibility, 576 00:33:45,920 --> 00:33:48,840 Speaker 1: and you can absolutely choose not to deal without. The 577 00:33:48,880 --> 00:33:53,360 Speaker 1: important thing is that you take care of yourself emotionally 578 00:33:53,920 --> 00:33:57,680 Speaker 1: and if you are feeling hurt by what they said, 579 00:33:58,280 --> 00:34:00,720 Speaker 1: that you find a safe person it that you can 580 00:34:00,760 --> 00:34:04,520 Speaker 1: share that with who will validate your experience. So many 581 00:34:04,560 --> 00:34:10,760 Speaker 1: times are experiences with microaggressions, with colorism, with subtle racism. 582 00:34:10,800 --> 00:34:13,919 Speaker 1: It gets brushed under the table at work with our 583 00:34:13,960 --> 00:34:19,440 Speaker 1: friends in other circles, and it's real, and it's important 584 00:34:19,520 --> 00:34:23,680 Speaker 1: that it's named, that it's acknowledged, and that you have 585 00:34:23,880 --> 00:34:28,239 Speaker 1: a safe person or place to share those feelings. It's 586 00:34:28,280 --> 00:34:32,200 Speaker 1: also important that you don't then internalize that to mean 587 00:34:32,360 --> 00:34:35,680 Speaker 1: this is what everyone is doing online, or because I 588 00:34:35,680 --> 00:34:38,360 Speaker 1: have this one experience on this one app all the 589 00:34:38,400 --> 00:34:41,520 Speaker 1: other people there are like that because that only hurts you, 590 00:34:42,040 --> 00:34:44,960 Speaker 1: and there are people there who want to connect with you, 591 00:34:44,960 --> 00:34:51,160 Speaker 1: who want to understand, and that wouldn't make those same 592 00:34:51,360 --> 00:34:55,520 Speaker 1: choices in the same situation. So it's all up to you. 593 00:34:55,520 --> 00:34:58,400 Speaker 1: You have a number of options in the way that 594 00:34:58,440 --> 00:35:01,000 Speaker 1: you want to respond, But the bottom line is you 595 00:35:01,080 --> 00:35:04,160 Speaker 1: have to take care of yourself emotionally and you have 596 00:35:04,280 --> 00:35:09,600 Speaker 1: to honor what your experience is. Mm hmmm. So I'm curious, Demona, 597 00:35:09,680 --> 00:35:12,080 Speaker 1: in the research that you've seen from okay Cupid, if 598 00:35:12,080 --> 00:35:16,400 Speaker 1: you've also seen anything around black women you already mentioned 599 00:35:16,560 --> 00:35:19,520 Speaker 1: kind of increasing their radius in terms of who they're dating. 600 00:35:19,880 --> 00:35:23,400 Speaker 1: Have you also seen people being open to dating people 601 00:35:23,440 --> 00:35:26,080 Speaker 1: who are not other black people? Right, Because we get 602 00:35:26,080 --> 00:35:28,840 Speaker 1: a lot of questions and like commentary from our social 603 00:35:28,840 --> 00:35:33,680 Speaker 1: media community around maybe being interested in dating inter racially, 604 00:35:33,800 --> 00:35:36,439 Speaker 1: but not quite being sure, like what is that going 605 00:35:36,480 --> 00:35:38,560 Speaker 1: to be? And so I'm curious to hear if there's 606 00:35:38,600 --> 00:35:42,800 Speaker 1: been any researcher information you found there. I do have research, 607 00:35:42,880 --> 00:35:46,279 Speaker 1: and I will say I also encourage my clients to 608 00:35:46,360 --> 00:35:51,239 Speaker 1: really drill down into the values and goals. And a 609 00:35:51,280 --> 00:35:53,120 Speaker 1: lot of times we look at certain things as a 610 00:35:53,160 --> 00:35:57,200 Speaker 1: proxy for other values or goals. So we assume, oh, 611 00:35:57,239 --> 00:35:59,760 Speaker 1: if they vote the same way that I do, they 612 00:35:59,800 --> 00:36:01,959 Speaker 1: are the same faith that I do, they must believe 613 00:36:02,000 --> 00:36:04,560 Speaker 1: the same things. If they're also black, they must be 614 00:36:04,600 --> 00:36:07,120 Speaker 1: a line in values, and that is not always true. 615 00:36:07,680 --> 00:36:10,920 Speaker 1: And if you can figure out what's really actually important, 616 00:36:11,000 --> 00:36:16,040 Speaker 1: what's underneath, and have an open mind, you never know 617 00:36:16,120 --> 00:36:20,239 Speaker 1: who might come into your dating circle. I do see 618 00:36:20,280 --> 00:36:23,440 Speaker 1: from the okay Cupid data that black women do really 619 00:36:23,600 --> 00:36:28,759 Speaker 1: put an emphasis on culture, ethnicity, and race as it 620 00:36:28,800 --> 00:36:32,920 Speaker 1: relates to their identity. And we can have a conversation 621 00:36:32,960 --> 00:36:38,040 Speaker 1: about this. It's higher than their black male counterparts. So 622 00:36:38,120 --> 00:36:41,799 Speaker 1: fifty two of black women on okay Cupid say it 623 00:36:41,840 --> 00:36:43,880 Speaker 1: plays a crucial part in who they are, compared to 624 00:36:44,000 --> 00:36:50,640 Speaker 1: thirty six of men I would love to hear your analysis, 625 00:36:50,719 --> 00:36:54,120 Speaker 1: Dr Joya. Why why that is? Because I can also 626 00:36:54,160 --> 00:36:56,520 Speaker 1: say from the data that I've seen that black men 627 00:36:56,760 --> 00:37:01,839 Speaker 1: do date outside their race more than black women do. 628 00:37:02,320 --> 00:37:05,920 Speaker 1: I'm not all the way sure why that is, but 629 00:37:06,040 --> 00:37:08,840 Speaker 1: I agree with you that, like, just even anecdotally, it 630 00:37:08,920 --> 00:37:12,640 Speaker 1: definitely feels like more black men date inter racially than 631 00:37:13,120 --> 00:37:16,759 Speaker 1: typically black women, though I am seeing any increase in that, right, 632 00:37:16,800 --> 00:37:19,120 Speaker 1: you know, so I definitely see more black women talking 633 00:37:19,160 --> 00:37:22,120 Speaker 1: about being open to dating other people. And I really 634 00:37:22,120 --> 00:37:26,560 Speaker 1: appreciated what you said around how sometimes certain things are 635 00:37:26,680 --> 00:37:30,280 Speaker 1: proxies for our values. Right, So because we are both black, 636 00:37:30,360 --> 00:37:32,600 Speaker 1: does that mean we have a commitment to family or 637 00:37:32,880 --> 00:37:36,040 Speaker 1: you know, faith or spirituality practices are the same when 638 00:37:36,040 --> 00:37:39,560 Speaker 1: they could be, but not necessarily right, And so I 639 00:37:39,600 --> 00:37:41,439 Speaker 1: do think that that's something to keep in mind because 640 00:37:41,480 --> 00:37:43,919 Speaker 1: I don't know that I've heard that described that way, 641 00:37:43,960 --> 00:37:46,160 Speaker 1: and I would imagine a lot of community members haven't 642 00:37:46,200 --> 00:37:49,320 Speaker 1: heard that either. Yeah. I mean, I'm black and Jewish, 643 00:37:49,600 --> 00:37:52,840 Speaker 1: so a lot of people don't want to see that. 644 00:37:52,960 --> 00:37:57,040 Speaker 1: And I have many different faiths within my family, like 645 00:37:57,239 --> 00:38:00,000 Speaker 1: my brother in law is married to an Indian woman 646 00:38:00,040 --> 00:38:04,280 Speaker 1: and my dad is remarried to a Mexican American woman, 647 00:38:04,760 --> 00:38:10,520 Speaker 1: and I really feel like my life is enhanced as 648 00:38:10,560 --> 00:38:15,839 Speaker 1: an American. My life is enhanced by having people of 649 00:38:15,960 --> 00:38:21,120 Speaker 1: different cultures and different backgrounds in my world. I learn 650 00:38:21,160 --> 00:38:24,279 Speaker 1: about them, I get to experience, I get to have. 651 00:38:25,040 --> 00:38:29,680 Speaker 1: I get to have chicken tikka masala on Thanksgiving. That's 652 00:38:29,760 --> 00:38:33,960 Speaker 1: exciting to me, Like, I love that. And I do 653 00:38:34,160 --> 00:38:39,080 Speaker 1: feel like black women have a burden in our culture 654 00:38:39,160 --> 00:38:42,080 Speaker 1: on black women to be like the carriers of culture, 655 00:38:42,920 --> 00:38:46,759 Speaker 1: and I think some of that is passed down from 656 00:38:46,800 --> 00:38:51,360 Speaker 1: prior generations. And so all I aim to do is 657 00:38:51,400 --> 00:38:54,240 Speaker 1: to have people get really clear on what is important 658 00:38:54,280 --> 00:38:57,680 Speaker 1: to you. Is it important to you to have a 659 00:38:57,760 --> 00:39:00,640 Speaker 1: black family, to have a black man, or it important 660 00:39:00,640 --> 00:39:07,160 Speaker 1: to you to have someone who supports you in infusing 661 00:39:07,600 --> 00:39:12,160 Speaker 1: Black culture into your children, in sharing your faith, in 662 00:39:12,600 --> 00:39:17,799 Speaker 1: being comfortable in celebrating your black family even if they 663 00:39:17,840 --> 00:39:21,799 Speaker 1: are not of the same culture. And it's interesting when 664 00:39:21,880 --> 00:39:24,359 Speaker 1: we start asking some of these questions. I actually wrote 665 00:39:24,360 --> 00:39:28,520 Speaker 1: an article for the Washington Post about this back in June. 666 00:39:29,400 --> 00:39:33,680 Speaker 1: You may remember that, and one of my friends and 667 00:39:33,719 --> 00:39:37,280 Speaker 1: colleagues who's a matchmaker, had asked a question in a 668 00:39:37,320 --> 00:39:41,800 Speaker 1: matchmaker dating coach, is it racist if my client only 669 00:39:42,120 --> 00:39:46,759 Speaker 1: will date their own race? And I was really surprised 670 00:39:46,920 --> 00:39:50,640 Speaker 1: to hear some of the answers because most of you know, 671 00:39:50,719 --> 00:39:53,600 Speaker 1: my friends and colleagues were like, no, that's just preference, 672 00:39:53,640 --> 00:39:55,640 Speaker 1: that's just their preference, that's what they prefer to date. 673 00:39:56,320 --> 00:40:01,200 Speaker 1: And I said, well, it's kind of the definition of 674 00:40:01,360 --> 00:40:06,080 Speaker 1: racial bias is to have certain beliefs about people just 675 00:40:06,160 --> 00:40:10,080 Speaker 1: because of the color of their skin. So I have 676 00:40:10,280 --> 00:40:13,840 Speaker 1: all of my clients do this process to really get 677 00:40:13,880 --> 00:40:18,359 Speaker 1: clear on what they actually believe and what's important to them, 678 00:40:18,880 --> 00:40:22,880 Speaker 1: and separate it from what they may have have inherited 679 00:40:22,920 --> 00:40:26,239 Speaker 1: from their community or from their family. Like if a 680 00:40:26,280 --> 00:40:29,120 Speaker 1: white client comes to me and says, and a lot 681 00:40:29,160 --> 00:40:32,920 Speaker 1: of times it's not overt, they'll just only check white 682 00:40:33,040 --> 00:40:34,759 Speaker 1: if they you know, on the dating app, you can 683 00:40:34,840 --> 00:40:38,359 Speaker 1: say what your races and what race you're looking for, 684 00:40:38,560 --> 00:40:41,359 Speaker 1: and it's very curious to me. When I see that, 685 00:40:41,960 --> 00:40:47,000 Speaker 1: I'll say why, and we'll do this technique. It's actually 686 00:40:47,040 --> 00:40:49,919 Speaker 1: a business technique, the five wise and will unpack it like, well, 687 00:40:49,920 --> 00:40:51,600 Speaker 1: why is that? Well? Why is that? Well, I just 688 00:40:51,640 --> 00:40:54,640 Speaker 1: never I never dated anyone black. Well why, Well, because 689 00:40:54,719 --> 00:40:57,319 Speaker 1: I didn't know anyone black? Well why, well, because there 690 00:40:57,360 --> 00:40:59,759 Speaker 1: was no one black in my neighborhood, Well, why we'll 691 00:40:59,800 --> 00:41:03,560 Speaker 1: be us Oh redlining. I mean usually the answer to 692 00:41:03,600 --> 00:41:07,799 Speaker 1: all questions is probably racism in America, right. But the 693 00:41:07,840 --> 00:41:12,000 Speaker 1: process of uncovering that is very interesting to me. And 694 00:41:12,440 --> 00:41:14,520 Speaker 1: I got a lot of hate mail, not gonna lie. 695 00:41:14,600 --> 00:41:17,440 Speaker 1: I got a lot of people that were really triggered 696 00:41:17,440 --> 00:41:19,880 Speaker 1: by what I wrote. But I got a lot of 697 00:41:19,920 --> 00:41:22,080 Speaker 1: people that said, I never looked at it that way, 698 00:41:22,760 --> 00:41:26,000 Speaker 1: and these choices that I made, I didn't even realize 699 00:41:26,120 --> 00:41:30,760 Speaker 1: my preference for someone of my same race or culture. 700 00:41:31,080 --> 00:41:33,880 Speaker 1: It's not just my own choice, it's not by chance. 701 00:41:34,560 --> 00:41:38,560 Speaker 1: It is actually a product of the environment that we 702 00:41:38,640 --> 00:41:42,400 Speaker 1: live in. Who Demona week has been a lot of 703 00:41:42,440 --> 00:41:44,839 Speaker 1: time here, and we may need to schedule a point 704 00:41:44,840 --> 00:41:46,319 Speaker 1: two because I have a lot more questions. I don't 705 00:41:46,320 --> 00:41:48,040 Speaker 1: want to ask that, but I know we're running out 706 00:41:48,040 --> 00:41:49,520 Speaker 1: of time, and so I want to make sure we 707 00:41:49,560 --> 00:41:51,360 Speaker 1: get into some of these other things. So I have 708 00:41:51,480 --> 00:41:54,279 Speaker 1: a few lightning round questions that I want to ask 709 00:41:54,280 --> 00:41:57,520 Speaker 1: you for your hot takes on. So, what are the 710 00:41:57,560 --> 00:42:01,560 Speaker 1: top three online dating red flat eggs that you see? Okay, 711 00:42:01,920 --> 00:42:06,040 Speaker 1: top three red flags incomplete profiles, like if they just 712 00:42:06,160 --> 00:42:09,839 Speaker 1: have a couple of words, no good. If they have 713 00:42:10,040 --> 00:42:14,239 Speaker 1: old photos. We all have crisp digital quality cameras in 714 00:42:14,280 --> 00:42:18,800 Speaker 1: our phones. There's no excuse for an old, grainy, pixelated photo. 715 00:42:19,600 --> 00:42:23,600 Speaker 1: And anyone who says that they want something different from 716 00:42:23,600 --> 00:42:26,480 Speaker 1: what you want, you're not going to change them. If 717 00:42:26,480 --> 00:42:30,160 Speaker 1: you want kids and they say kids maybe someday or no, 718 00:42:30,880 --> 00:42:35,120 Speaker 1: they really mean that. Take them at their word. Okay, 719 00:42:35,560 --> 00:42:38,480 Speaker 1: who pays for the first date? Oh, this is a 720 00:42:38,520 --> 00:42:41,160 Speaker 1: really complicated question. You asked me this on a lightning round. 721 00:42:44,120 --> 00:42:46,920 Speaker 1: For most people, it is the man pays for the 722 00:42:46,960 --> 00:42:48,960 Speaker 1: first date. A lot of my dates and mates listeners 723 00:42:49,000 --> 00:42:51,640 Speaker 1: also now and actually we are seeing and okay, keep 724 00:42:51,640 --> 00:42:55,440 Speaker 1: it more people are open to dating other genders. So 725 00:42:55,520 --> 00:42:58,880 Speaker 1: it's a little more complicated than I say, whoever asks 726 00:42:59,120 --> 00:43:01,880 Speaker 1: pays for the date. But we are seeing a major 727 00:43:01,960 --> 00:43:07,080 Speaker 1: trend in people wanting to split to go Dutch. And 728 00:43:07,200 --> 00:43:09,239 Speaker 1: it doesn't mean what it used to. It used to 729 00:43:09,280 --> 00:43:14,200 Speaker 1: mean he's not interested or that he's broke, and that's 730 00:43:14,239 --> 00:43:16,000 Speaker 1: no longer what it means. Sorry, I know this is 731 00:43:16,080 --> 00:43:20,560 Speaker 1: a lightning round question I had more. The final one 732 00:43:20,680 --> 00:43:24,880 Speaker 1: is is there a perfect text message response time, So 733 00:43:25,000 --> 00:43:26,560 Speaker 1: is there a certain amount of time you need to 734 00:43:26,600 --> 00:43:28,359 Speaker 1: wait or is there a certain amount of time at 735 00:43:28,360 --> 00:43:32,319 Speaker 1: which you've waited too long to respond to? Twenty four 736 00:43:32,320 --> 00:43:34,600 Speaker 1: hours is the clock I usually put on it. Most 737 00:43:34,719 --> 00:43:39,719 Speaker 1: texts are sent within nineties seconds, So in dating it's 738 00:43:39,760 --> 00:43:42,240 Speaker 1: a little bit different. You don't want to be too eager, 739 00:43:42,719 --> 00:43:45,319 Speaker 1: but if you wait more than twenty four hours to 740 00:43:45,360 --> 00:43:49,440 Speaker 1: respond to someone, you might have missed the boat. Okay. 741 00:43:49,920 --> 00:43:52,440 Speaker 1: And then finally, this is not a lightning round, but 742 00:43:52,520 --> 00:43:55,880 Speaker 1: what are three tips that you would like the listeners 743 00:43:55,920 --> 00:44:00,560 Speaker 1: to to take away from your conversation today? Authenticity everything, 744 00:44:01,040 --> 00:44:04,280 Speaker 1: And that's really the foundation of what I've been teaching 745 00:44:04,280 --> 00:44:06,520 Speaker 1: people for the last fifteen years that the more that 746 00:44:06,600 --> 00:44:09,960 Speaker 1: you bring your authentic self to the table, the better 747 00:44:10,480 --> 00:44:16,160 Speaker 1: you'll be able to find someone who appreciates everything that 748 00:44:16,280 --> 00:44:19,080 Speaker 1: you are, especially as black, when we get so many 749 00:44:19,080 --> 00:44:22,080 Speaker 1: messages about what is the standard of beauty and what 750 00:44:22,160 --> 00:44:26,080 Speaker 1: we need to be to be lovable, datable, attractive, sexy. 751 00:44:26,200 --> 00:44:29,480 Speaker 1: And once I was able to set that aside, I 752 00:44:29,520 --> 00:44:32,960 Speaker 1: was able to meet someone who really saw me and 753 00:44:33,040 --> 00:44:36,960 Speaker 1: wanted me. And so that's really the foundation of everything 754 00:44:37,000 --> 00:44:40,240 Speaker 1: that we've talked about is to bring your authentic self 755 00:44:40,239 --> 00:44:43,040 Speaker 1: to the table and really celebrate that and let that 756 00:44:43,160 --> 00:44:47,319 Speaker 1: be the magnet that draws the matches to you. That 757 00:44:47,440 --> 00:44:49,520 Speaker 1: was my first ship. You asked me for more. You 758 00:44:49,600 --> 00:44:52,919 Speaker 1: ask for more on dates and mates. I've been talking 759 00:44:52,920 --> 00:44:56,600 Speaker 1: a lot about empathetic dating, and this is something that 760 00:44:56,680 --> 00:44:58,960 Speaker 1: I really feel like is missing. I don't have any 761 00:44:59,000 --> 00:45:02,080 Speaker 1: Okay Cupid data on it, but it's something I'm really 762 00:45:02,600 --> 00:45:06,400 Speaker 1: curious about because I feel like as the speed of 763 00:45:06,480 --> 00:45:10,320 Speaker 1: dating is increased, it's become more transactional, and we've forgotten 764 00:45:10,400 --> 00:45:12,920 Speaker 1: that we are people with feelings and we're dealing with 765 00:45:12,960 --> 00:45:15,959 Speaker 1: people that we're meeting with feelings. And so I'm really 766 00:45:15,960 --> 00:45:18,680 Speaker 1: trying to encourage my listeners and clients to bring more 767 00:45:19,320 --> 00:45:21,799 Speaker 1: empathy to the table. And I know you know a 768 00:45:21,800 --> 00:45:25,480 Speaker 1: thing or two about that, So see what happens. You know, 769 00:45:25,600 --> 00:45:29,239 Speaker 1: if you bring more empathy, you may receive more empathy 770 00:45:29,280 --> 00:45:32,839 Speaker 1: in return. I love it. Do you have a third 771 00:45:32,840 --> 00:45:35,840 Speaker 1: one or those two? Perfect? The third one is to 772 00:45:36,000 --> 00:45:39,360 Speaker 1: also make time to love yourself. And I'm not saying 773 00:45:39,400 --> 00:45:43,879 Speaker 1: that like in a in a graphic way, but this 774 00:45:43,960 --> 00:45:45,800 Speaker 1: is something that I've realized a lot of my clients 775 00:45:45,800 --> 00:45:50,200 Speaker 1: are missing. They do so much for other people. They 776 00:45:50,239 --> 00:45:52,920 Speaker 1: take care of their family, they take care of people 777 00:45:52,960 --> 00:45:56,680 Speaker 1: at work, They give so much effort out and then 778 00:45:57,239 --> 00:46:01,000 Speaker 1: when we date from a place of like we're missing 779 00:46:01,200 --> 00:46:05,680 Speaker 1: something or we haven't really figured out what lights us up, 780 00:46:06,400 --> 00:46:10,000 Speaker 1: then it always ends up feeling empty. So really take 781 00:46:10,040 --> 00:46:12,600 Speaker 1: the time. I actually did this with my coach before 782 00:46:12,640 --> 00:46:14,879 Speaker 1: I met my husband. I was working with a life 783 00:46:14,960 --> 00:46:18,160 Speaker 1: coach and she had me go on these dates with myself. 784 00:46:18,200 --> 00:46:23,240 Speaker 1: I had to spend three hours by myself and schedule 785 00:46:23,360 --> 00:46:25,800 Speaker 1: time as if I was scheduling it with another person, 786 00:46:26,239 --> 00:46:29,360 Speaker 1: and that completely transformed me and helped me figure out 787 00:46:29,520 --> 00:46:32,480 Speaker 1: really what made me tick, what I enjoyed, so that 788 00:46:32,560 --> 00:46:36,799 Speaker 1: I could then articulate that two possible matches, and I 789 00:46:36,840 --> 00:46:40,440 Speaker 1: could come from a place of knowledge about myself and 790 00:46:40,520 --> 00:46:44,840 Speaker 1: not be subject to the whims of whomever I met, 791 00:46:45,560 --> 00:46:49,040 Speaker 1: changing me into what they needed me to be. I 792 00:46:49,040 --> 00:46:52,239 Speaker 1: could just be me. I like that. And where can 793 00:46:52,280 --> 00:46:54,720 Speaker 1: we stay connected with you? Demona? What is your website 794 00:46:54,760 --> 00:46:57,879 Speaker 1: as well as any social media handles she'd like to share? Well, 795 00:46:57,920 --> 00:47:01,160 Speaker 1: my website is Dates and Madestock Mom. It's also the 796 00:47:01,239 --> 00:47:03,840 Speaker 1: name of my podcast and actually at Dates and Mates 797 00:47:04,160 --> 00:47:06,799 Speaker 1: dot com. I have a free profile starter kits, so 798 00:47:06,840 --> 00:47:08,919 Speaker 1: if you're like I liked what Demona had to say 799 00:47:09,000 --> 00:47:11,439 Speaker 1: about the Three Seeds, but I need a little bit more. 800 00:47:11,840 --> 00:47:14,279 Speaker 1: It's literally just a free kit that helps you get 801 00:47:14,400 --> 00:47:17,520 Speaker 1: online quickly and do all of the things to your 802 00:47:17,560 --> 00:47:19,600 Speaker 1: profile that will bring in the right kind of dates. 803 00:47:20,040 --> 00:47:24,360 Speaker 1: And then I am on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter at Demona 804 00:47:24,400 --> 00:47:26,839 Speaker 1: Hoffman and if you're looking for a dating app, check 805 00:47:26,880 --> 00:47:30,960 Speaker 1: out okay Cupid's free. It will be sure to include 806 00:47:30,960 --> 00:47:32,680 Speaker 1: all of that in our show notes. Thank you so 807 00:47:32,760 --> 00:47:34,880 Speaker 1: much for the wealth of information to day, Demona. I 808 00:47:34,920 --> 00:47:37,640 Speaker 1: really appreciate it. Thank you so much, Dr Joy. I 809 00:47:37,680 --> 00:47:39,880 Speaker 1: love the work that you do. I've followed the podcast 810 00:47:39,920 --> 00:47:42,600 Speaker 1: for many years and it's just an honor to be 811 00:47:42,719 --> 00:47:44,960 Speaker 1: here and share space with you. Thank you, Thank you 812 00:47:45,080 --> 00:47:50,439 Speaker 1: so much. I'm so glad Demona was able to share 813 00:47:50,440 --> 00:47:53,399 Speaker 1: her expertise with us today. To learn more about her 814 00:47:53,560 --> 00:47:56,200 Speaker 1: or to check out her podcast, be sure to visit 815 00:47:56,239 --> 00:47:58,520 Speaker 1: the show notes at Therapy from Black Girls dot com 816 00:47:58,520 --> 00:48:01,560 Speaker 1: slash session to sixty, and be sure to text two 817 00:48:01,560 --> 00:48:03,839 Speaker 1: of your girls right now and tell them to check 818 00:48:03,880 --> 00:48:06,840 Speaker 1: out the episode. If you're looking for a therapist in 819 00:48:06,880 --> 00:48:09,840 Speaker 1: your area. Be sure to check out our therapist directory 820 00:48:09,880 --> 00:48:13,120 Speaker 1: at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash directory. And 821 00:48:13,160 --> 00:48:15,759 Speaker 1: if you want to continue digging into this topic or 822 00:48:15,840 --> 00:48:18,680 Speaker 1: just be in community with other sisters, come on over 823 00:48:18,680 --> 00:48:21,320 Speaker 1: and join us in the Sister Circle. It's our cozy 824 00:48:21,360 --> 00:48:24,319 Speaker 1: corner of the Internet designed just for black women. You 825 00:48:24,360 --> 00:48:27,080 Speaker 1: can join us at Community not Therapy for Black Girls 826 00:48:27,160 --> 00:48:31,080 Speaker 1: dot com. This episode was produced by Freda Lucas and 827 00:48:31,120 --> 00:48:35,759 Speaker 1: Else Ellis and editing was done by Dennison Bradford. Thank 828 00:48:35,800 --> 00:48:37,759 Speaker 1: you all so much for joining me again this week. 829 00:48:38,239 --> 00:48:40,640 Speaker 1: I look forward to continue in this conversation with you 830 00:48:40,680 --> 00:48:43,200 Speaker 1: all real soon. Take good care,