WEBVTT - Encore: S02 Ep 10 - Mark’s Romantic Dilemma 0:01:09.359 --> 0:01:12.439 Hey to your Therapist listeners. It's Lori and Guy and 0:01:12.479 --> 0:01:13.599 we have a quick update. 0:01:13.839 --> 0:01:16.039 Many of you have told us that you get something 0:01:16.079 --> 0:01:18.439 new out of each episode when you listen to it 0:01:18.479 --> 0:01:21.719 again the second or third time. In fact, when we 0:01:21.839 --> 0:01:24.799 listen to the episodes again, we also get takeaways we 0:01:24.799 --> 0:01:25.439 didn't remember. 0:01:25.439 --> 0:01:28.079 We're They're therapy is like that too. There are so 0:01:28.199 --> 0:01:30.839 many learning moments in a session, and it's difficult to 0:01:30.919 --> 0:01:33.439 absorb them all at once. So while we're not taping 0:01:33.559 --> 0:01:37.039 new episodes right now, we are offering you our most 0:01:37.079 --> 0:01:40.399 popular sessions as encores so that you can continue to 0:01:40.439 --> 0:01:41.519 gain value from them. 0:01:41.759 --> 0:01:45.319 We love doing the Therapists episodes, but we're each busy 0:01:45.359 --> 0:01:48.599 with new and exciting projects that we hope you will love. 0:01:48.639 --> 0:01:49.239 Just as much. 0:01:49.479 --> 0:01:52.679 I have a new advice podcast called Since You Asked, 0:01:52.799 --> 0:01:55.159 which you can get wherever you listen to podcasts. 0:01:55.359 --> 0:01:58.159 And I have a new book coming out. It's called 0:01:58.559 --> 0:02:03.559 Mind Overgrind, How to Break Free when work Hijacks your life, 0:02:03.759 --> 0:02:06.519 and it will be published by Simon and Schuster. You 0:02:06.559 --> 0:02:08.759 can find out more about it on my website. 0:02:10.319 --> 0:02:13.519 You can learn more about these on our socials. And meanwhile, 0:02:13.719 --> 0:02:16.639 we hope you find these Dear Therapist sessions as valuable 0:02:16.639 --> 0:02:23.159 as we have making them for you. Hey, fellow travelers, 0:02:23.639 --> 0:02:26.439 I'm Lari Gottlieb. I'm the author of Maybe You Should 0:02:26.479 --> 0:02:29.239 Talk to Someone, and I write the Dear Therapists advice 0:02:29.279 --> 0:02:30.359 column for The Atlantic. 0:02:30.599 --> 0:02:33.879 And I'm Guy Wench. I'm the author of Emotional First Aid, 0:02:34.239 --> 0:02:36.719 and I write the Dear Guy advice column for Ted. 0:02:37.119 --> 0:02:39.279 And this is Dear Therapists. 0:02:39.999 --> 0:02:42.759 Each week we invite you into a session so you 0:02:42.759 --> 0:02:45.159 can learn more about yourself by hearing how we help 0:02:45.239 --> 0:02:48.159 other people come to understand themselves better and make changes 0:02:48.199 --> 0:02:48.919 in their lives. 0:02:49.119 --> 0:02:53.559 So sit back and welcome to today's session. This week, 0:02:53.759 --> 0:02:56.079 a young man seeks our counsel on whether to try 0:02:56.079 --> 0:02:57.559 to get his girlfriend. 0:02:57.159 --> 0:03:00.799 Back absolutely lower, and then just kills me because I 0:03:00.879 --> 0:03:05.799 know the main problem, you know, was the drinking. And 0:03:05.919 --> 0:03:08.239 you know I told I don't have to have a drink. 0:03:08.079 --> 0:03:11.999 Against It's a quick note. Dear Therapist is for informational 0:03:12.039 --> 0:03:15.879 purposes only. It does not constitute medical or psychological advice 0:03:15.959 --> 0:03:19.119 and is not a substitute for professional healthcare advice, diagnosis, 0:03:19.159 --> 0:03:22.199 or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician, mental 0:03:22.199 --> 0:03:25.479 health professional, or other qualified health provider with any questions 0:03:25.519 --> 0:03:28.999 you may have regarding a medical or psychological condition. By 0:03:28.999 --> 0:03:31.759 submitting a letter, you are agreeing to let iHeartMedia use 0:03:31.799 --> 0:03:33.959 it in part or in full, and we may edit 0:03:33.959 --> 0:03:36.639 it for length and clarity. In the sessions you'll hear. 0:03:37.119 --> 0:03:39.439 All names have been changed for the privacy of our 0:03:39.439 --> 0:03:40.319 fellow travelers. 0:03:43.199 --> 0:03:47.079 So, Hi Guy, Hey Lourie, what do we have today? 0:03:47.639 --> 0:03:51.959 Today? We have a letter about a breakup and some regret, 0:03:52.279 --> 0:03:56.639 and it goes like this, Dear therapists, My girlfriend and 0:03:56.679 --> 0:04:00.119 I recently split up after a one year relationship. This 0:04:00.279 --> 0:04:03.359 is my second long term relationship, the other lasted about 0:04:03.399 --> 0:04:06.559 three years. Yet I find myself way more upset about 0:04:06.559 --> 0:04:09.319 the breakup this time around. The worst part of it 0:04:09.359 --> 0:04:11.239 all is that we are both still in love with 0:04:11.279 --> 0:04:13.719 each other, but because of a few of my actions, 0:04:13.759 --> 0:04:16.239 we have split up. Now we have been broken up 0:04:16.279 --> 0:04:18.639 for close to three weeks, and I am wondering whether 0:04:18.719 --> 0:04:20.319 or not you think I should just shut the door 0:04:20.359 --> 0:04:23.559 on a comeback. I understand that what I did was wrong, 0:04:23.839 --> 0:04:26.039 like saying rude things to her when I would be drunk, 0:04:26.359 --> 0:04:29.119 and that caused her sadness. But I also know that 0:04:29.159 --> 0:04:31.759 she still loves me and is also extremely broken up 0:04:31.799 --> 0:04:34.999 about this. She says she needs time to heal, but 0:04:35.079 --> 0:04:37.639 I also don't want her moving on and finding someone else. 0:04:38.239 --> 0:04:40.719 She tells me that I'm her first real love. So 0:04:40.759 --> 0:04:43.239 I just have this feeling of hope for a reconciliation 0:04:43.319 --> 0:04:45.959 that I'm holding on to. A lot of issues from 0:04:45.959 --> 0:04:48.679 my first relationship have carried over to this one, and 0:04:48.719 --> 0:04:51.759 it's been unfair to her, and I understand that. But 0:04:51.839 --> 0:04:53.599 a lot of the issues are things that I just 0:04:53.639 --> 0:04:56.559 came to terms with and I'm starting to understand now. 0:04:57.159 --> 0:04:58.279 Thank you all for your help. 0:04:58.959 --> 0:05:03.039 Mark Well, this issue of couples who break up and 0:05:03.399 --> 0:05:07.239 want to consider trying again is really common and we 0:05:07.279 --> 0:05:09.119 see that a lot in our therapy offices. And the 0:05:09.159 --> 0:05:12.799 principle that's the most important is if you're going to 0:05:12.799 --> 0:05:15.479 do it again, A both people have to want to, 0:05:15.559 --> 0:05:18.279 but B you have to figure out what wasn't working 0:05:18.399 --> 0:05:20.799 and how A you're going to do it differently. Just 0:05:21.079 --> 0:05:23.679 one thing to do things again, but not really understanding 0:05:23.719 --> 0:05:26.119 what needs to be different and what to change almost 0:05:26.119 --> 0:05:29.319 inevitably leads to the same problems happening and the breakup 0:05:29.399 --> 0:05:30.119 just happening again. 0:05:30.719 --> 0:05:32.239 Well, that's right, And he said he's just coming to 0:05:32.319 --> 0:05:34.639 terms with those things now to one thing to have 0:05:34.719 --> 0:05:37.399 the insight, it's another thing to be able to act 0:05:37.439 --> 0:05:39.839 on it. So we always like to say that insight 0:05:39.959 --> 0:05:42.119 is the booby prize of therapy. That you can have 0:05:42.199 --> 0:05:44.519 all the insight in the world, but if you don't 0:05:44.519 --> 0:05:46.919 make changes out in the world, the insight is useless. 0:05:47.039 --> 0:05:49.919 So is he ready to use the insight that he 0:05:50.039 --> 0:05:53.399 has and put it into action in the relationship? And 0:05:53.439 --> 0:05:55.639 what is she willing to do? How much time is 0:05:55.679 --> 0:05:58.079 she willing to invest in this as he tries to 0:05:58.119 --> 0:06:00.559 come to terms with some things from the past, right? 0:06:00.679 --> 0:06:04.839 And are they able to work together to navigate these waters, 0:06:04.879 --> 0:06:06.879 because they're going to have to communicate and be very 0:06:06.879 --> 0:06:09.599 clear about how to avoid the icebergs that are already 0:06:09.599 --> 0:06:12.079 felled them once. So let's go talk to him and 0:06:12.199 --> 0:06:13.239 see what this is about. 0:06:13.439 --> 0:06:14.039 Let's do that. 0:06:16.479 --> 0:06:20.199 You're listening to Deotherapists from iHeartRadio. We'll be back after 0:06:20.239 --> 0:06:30.279 a quick break. I'm Lori Gottlieb and I'm Guy Wench 0:06:30.639 --> 0:06:37.119 and this is Deo Therapist. So Mark, welcome to the show. 0:06:37.359 --> 0:06:39.119 Thank you, Thank you guys for having me and taking 0:06:39.199 --> 0:06:41.119 time You're very welcome, Mark. 0:06:41.519 --> 0:06:44.759 Mark, tell us a little bit about the relationship, how 0:06:44.799 --> 0:06:47.999 you met, how old you were, how it went, and 0:06:48.199 --> 0:06:49.239 where things are today. 0:06:49.679 --> 0:06:53.759 Sure, so we met summer of twenty nineteen. I was 0:06:53.799 --> 0:06:55.919 twenty four, she was twenty two. 0:06:56.359 --> 0:06:57.079 So to your. 0:06:56.959 --> 0:07:00.039 Difference, she knew who I was because we went to 0:07:00.079 --> 0:07:02.839 the same school. One of our mutual friends like introduced 0:07:02.919 --> 0:07:05.199 us right off the bat, like we had a connection. 0:07:05.839 --> 0:07:08.439 It's like we hung out towards the end of that summer, 0:07:08.519 --> 0:07:11.279 and then she was going back to school. I was 0:07:11.319 --> 0:07:15.639 coming off like a longer, like three year relationship. I 0:07:15.719 --> 0:07:19.399 was probably six months removed from this relationship at this point. 0:07:20.079 --> 0:07:25.319 I necessarily wasn't ready for another relationship. So she goes 0:07:25.359 --> 0:07:29.639 back to school. We still communicate. She starts like leaving 0:07:29.639 --> 0:07:32.999 school during weekends like to come see me. Clearly, it's like, 0:07:33.199 --> 0:07:37.999 what's progressing more than either of us have pretty much expected. 0:07:38.519 --> 0:07:41.279 So then we fast forward to the next summer, and 0:07:41.319 --> 0:07:44.719 we both had rental houses for the summer near each other. 0:07:45.519 --> 0:07:48.439 We're spending every weekend together. I would just stay down 0:07:48.479 --> 0:07:50.639 there and make a long commute in the morning. I 0:07:50.679 --> 0:07:53.079 would drive like an hour to work, an hour back. 0:07:53.159 --> 0:07:56.119 You know, so they almost like living together at this point. 0:07:56.879 --> 0:08:00.399 We were together all summer. Not official of course, that 0:08:00.479 --> 0:08:02.919 came at the end of the summer, when like we 0:08:02.919 --> 0:08:05.119 were like, yeah, all right, we could uh take this 0:08:05.159 --> 0:08:05.839 to the next step. 0:08:05.879 --> 0:08:08.359 You know when you say not official, you had been 0:08:08.439 --> 0:08:10.399 dating for a year at that point and it was 0:08:10.439 --> 0:08:11.319 still not official. 0:08:11.639 --> 0:08:14.679 No, No, we were, I would say, exclusive to each other, 0:08:14.919 --> 0:08:17.719 you know, talking every day, so you know everything about 0:08:17.759 --> 0:08:20.159 the title. I feel like the title at this point 0:08:20.279 --> 0:08:22.959 was just like something in my head, like I had 0:08:23.079 --> 0:08:25.919 gone through a really long relationship that didn't pan out, 0:08:25.959 --> 0:08:28.759 and it was like a super stressful situation for me. 0:08:29.559 --> 0:08:32.319 So I just felt like with the title came all 0:08:32.359 --> 0:08:37.439 these added expectations and all this external pressure that I 0:08:37.559 --> 0:08:38.399 wasn't ready for. 0:08:38.839 --> 0:08:41.919 Sounds like you were dating for about a year in 0:08:42.359 --> 0:08:46.839 this way where it wasn't really defined what actually made 0:08:46.839 --> 0:08:48.839 it official between the two of you, where it was 0:08:49.039 --> 0:08:52.759 directly communicated between the two of you that it was official. 0:08:53.079 --> 0:08:55.799 What changed that was just like simply me like asking 0:08:55.839 --> 0:08:58.519 her to be my girlfriend. Our day to day nothing 0:08:58.559 --> 0:09:01.199 really changed, you know. We talked all day every day, 0:09:01.439 --> 0:09:04.439 We hung out every weekend. After the summer ended, our 0:09:04.759 --> 0:09:07.999 leases ended, for that for the summer, and then she 0:09:08.199 --> 0:09:11.119 was moving out because she had graduated school at this point. 0:09:12.239 --> 0:09:15.599 So basically throughout that whole process, I was, you know, 0:09:15.679 --> 0:09:17.959 there helping her every step of the way, like I 0:09:17.999 --> 0:09:20.879 was building all the furniture for her house. At this point, 0:09:20.919 --> 0:09:23.679 our relationship was gone, you know, I'd say, very well. 0:09:24.359 --> 0:09:27.799 So fast forward a few weeks after that. This is 0:09:27.839 --> 0:09:31.119 where like our issues like arise. One night when we 0:09:31.119 --> 0:09:34.119 were out drinking, I got a little too drunk and 0:09:34.159 --> 0:09:37.039 then I said some like mean things to her, Like 0:09:37.079 --> 0:09:38.959 I had gotten really drunk and for some reason I 0:09:38.959 --> 0:09:40.119 had called her slot. 0:09:40.399 --> 0:09:41.319 These weren't like. 0:09:41.839 --> 0:09:43.799 Thoughts I have of her, like I think the most 0:09:43.839 --> 0:09:45.999 of her. I don't know where that came from at 0:09:46.039 --> 0:09:48.879 this time, and obviously she was super upsett me, like 0:09:48.919 --> 0:09:49.839 how could you say that to me? 0:09:49.999 --> 0:09:51.079 Like you're dating me? 0:09:51.159 --> 0:09:54.199 Like why would you say that? And like I didn't 0:09:54.239 --> 0:09:57.879 have any you know, explanation. I had no idea where 0:09:57.919 --> 0:09:58.479 that came from. 0:09:59.159 --> 0:10:01.799 Had that ever happened before where you drink too much 0:10:01.799 --> 0:10:05.119 and said things that you regretted later and that were 0:10:05.199 --> 0:10:07.199 kind of inexplicable to you. 0:10:07.519 --> 0:10:09.879 Back in school, I mean, it would happen, but like 0:10:09.959 --> 0:10:13.039 I never had said that to my ex girlfriend. 0:10:13.439 --> 0:10:16.639 When it happened back in school, what did you say? 0:10:16.639 --> 0:10:19.359 And to whom it would just be like my friends, 0:10:19.399 --> 0:10:21.439 Like we would just like get mad and get an argument, 0:10:21.639 --> 0:10:25.399 just like it was never never anything to this point, 0:10:25.439 --> 0:10:27.879 you know, never anything like a like a personal attack 0:10:27.919 --> 0:10:29.919 like that. It was never something like I had to 0:10:29.919 --> 0:10:31.759 wake up the next day and like I was like, wow, 0:10:31.759 --> 0:10:32.239 I can't. 0:10:32.039 --> 0:10:34.479 Believe, like I said that, did it happen often or 0:10:34.639 --> 0:10:36.039 how often would you say it would happen? 0:10:36.639 --> 0:10:38.079 Not often? Not often at all? 0:10:38.319 --> 0:10:40.199 And with her, was this the first time that this 0:10:40.239 --> 0:10:40.759 had happened. 0:10:40.839 --> 0:10:42.639 Yeah, this was the first time this happened. 0:10:42.719 --> 0:10:46.759 And then I guess like two or three weeks after that, 0:10:46.799 --> 0:10:49.959 it happened again, and it got to the point it 0:10:49.959 --> 0:10:53.559 happened like four times, five times, and obviously like she 0:10:53.679 --> 0:10:56.479 was fed up this whole time, like she was trying 0:10:56.479 --> 0:10:59.319 to get me to go to therapy because we realized, 0:10:59.359 --> 0:11:01.759 like my first relationship there was like a lot of 0:11:02.079 --> 0:11:03.999 it just like wasn't a healthy relationship at all. 0:11:04.239 --> 0:11:06.159 And that was my first ever relationship. 0:11:06.239 --> 0:11:09.279 After it happened the first time, how did the two 0:11:09.479 --> 0:11:11.879 you talk about it and move past that? 0:11:12.959 --> 0:11:16.719 She was obviously very upset. I apologize to her. I 0:11:16.799 --> 0:11:20.199 told her, like, it won't happen again. Obviously that didn't happen. 0:11:20.359 --> 0:11:22.799 So after it happened the second time, what happened between 0:11:22.839 --> 0:11:24.039 the two of you. I want to hear what happened 0:11:24.039 --> 0:11:25.999 each time and how the two of you dealt with it. 0:11:26.919 --> 0:11:30.599 The second time, she got super upset. I apologize. I said, like, 0:11:30.679 --> 0:11:32.439 I know, I said it would have happened. I don't 0:11:32.439 --> 0:11:34.839 know why it happened. And then after the second time 0:11:34.959 --> 0:11:38.239 is when I started going to therapy, actually because I realized. 0:11:38.279 --> 0:11:39.799 I told her, I was like, listen, I'm gonna go 0:11:39.799 --> 0:11:41.239 with therapy. I'm going to try to like get to 0:11:41.759 --> 0:11:44.279 the rud of this problem. Like, clearly there's something you 0:11:44.319 --> 0:11:44.999 know going on. 0:11:46.279 --> 0:11:49.919 Did you consider motivating the drinking since it was directly 0:11:49.999 --> 0:11:51.439 tied to of a drinking. 0:11:51.839 --> 0:11:53.399 Yes, and it didn't work. 0:11:53.639 --> 0:11:56.759 But now ever, since you know, we broke up for 0:11:56.919 --> 0:11:59.759 like this last you know, it's close to two months now, 0:12:00.599 --> 0:12:03.879 the drinking has been very limited. I've you know, keeping 0:12:03.879 --> 0:12:06.759 control of myself. I'm you know, doing things that my 0:12:06.839 --> 0:12:09.279 therapist just told me to do. And I've let her 0:12:09.439 --> 0:12:11.399 know too, and you know, she does say, she's proud 0:12:11.439 --> 0:12:12.839 of me, like or the progress I've made. 0:12:13.759 --> 0:12:17.279 Was the drinking something that had been problematic for you 0:12:17.359 --> 0:12:17.919 before this? 0:12:19.359 --> 0:12:23.559 I'd say I would definitely always have, you know, been 0:12:23.559 --> 0:12:26.919 a drinker. Just the environment I'm in, people I go 0:12:26.959 --> 0:12:29.559 out whatever, like, you know, we're very like social group, 0:12:30.599 --> 0:12:33.159 so I definitely, like I'm exposed to it a lot. 0:12:33.439 --> 0:12:36.639 Did you feel like when you were drinking, that you 0:12:36.639 --> 0:12:39.159 were drinking to a point that you would not be 0:12:39.199 --> 0:12:42.079 in control of yourself, that that was a regular thing. 0:12:42.919 --> 0:12:45.519 Yeah, honestly, as bad as it sound like, it kind 0:12:45.559 --> 0:12:46.839 of was to the point where it was like a 0:12:46.839 --> 0:12:49.159 regular thing. It's not like I would wake up and 0:12:49.199 --> 0:12:50.719 like want a drink, you know, it would just be 0:12:51.679 --> 0:12:52.999 a Friday Saturday thing. 0:12:53.639 --> 0:12:54.879 We go out all together. 0:12:55.679 --> 0:12:59.359 The thing that changed was in the summer, we me 0:12:59.399 --> 0:13:01.919 and her went out together all the time, and like 0:13:01.999 --> 0:13:04.759 I did drink then too, and she drinks as well. 0:13:05.239 --> 0:13:09.039 But it was never an issue. So that's like, why 0:13:09.399 --> 0:13:13.039 been so confused about the situation because one day it happened, 0:13:13.039 --> 0:13:15.239 and it's like it opened the gates and then led 0:13:15.279 --> 0:13:16.959 it happening multiple times. 0:13:17.159 --> 0:13:19.119 Was she able to tell you what because you don't 0:13:19.119 --> 0:13:21.359 have the recollection of what happened. Was she able to 0:13:21.439 --> 0:13:25.159 describe to you what happened that led you to kotoroslat 0:13:25.359 --> 0:13:26.799 In each of those cases. 0:13:26.999 --> 0:13:29.679 She would say like out of nowhere, like and I 0:13:29.719 --> 0:13:34.079 know one day it happened and my best friends were there, 0:13:34.919 --> 0:13:37.159 and so that was the first time it happened where 0:13:37.999 --> 0:13:41.039 other people like heard it. It was extremely embarrassing, Like 0:13:42.039 --> 0:13:45.759 it was just like really sad, you know, because then 0:13:45.839 --> 0:13:47.679 I had my best friend for like fifteen years. At 0:13:47.719 --> 0:13:50.479 this point, it's just been like I've never like seen 0:13:50.519 --> 0:13:53.719 you like say or do anything like that, Like that's 0:13:53.759 --> 0:13:55.319 so completely out of character for you. 0:13:55.839 --> 0:13:57.999 How long have you been seeing a therapist at this. 0:13:57.959 --> 0:13:59.759 Point about two months? 0:13:59.879 --> 0:14:03.199 And what has that been like for you in terms 0:14:03.239 --> 0:14:05.399 of understanding more about what might be going on. 0:14:05.719 --> 0:14:09.279 Honestly, I love it. It's just like good to talk to someone. 0:14:09.319 --> 0:14:11.319 And you know, therapy has never been something like I 0:14:11.359 --> 0:14:15.039 would like thought I would do myself, you know, I 0:14:15.039 --> 0:14:17.999 always thought I had everything pretty under control, but obviously that's. 0:14:17.879 --> 0:14:18.479 Not the case. 0:14:18.679 --> 0:14:21.519 It's definitely been good. It's a good outlet. I've been 0:14:21.519 --> 0:14:25.039 like journaling a lot, listening to the podcast that I've 0:14:25.079 --> 0:14:28.199 listened to all the episodes. You know, it's definitely been 0:14:28.239 --> 0:14:31.439 super helpful. I've realized a lot of the issues have 0:14:31.519 --> 0:14:35.199 stemmed from that first relationship I was in just because 0:14:35.199 --> 0:14:37.639 it was my first relationship, and like I was, I 0:14:37.639 --> 0:14:39.959 guess that's how I viewed how a relationship like that's 0:14:39.999 --> 0:14:43.239 like normal things, you know, when in reality it wasn't 0:14:43.279 --> 0:14:44.199 necessarily normal. 0:14:44.879 --> 0:14:47.719 Can you tell us a little bit about that relationship? 0:14:48.519 --> 0:14:51.879 Sure, So it was my second year of college. I 0:14:51.919 --> 0:14:52.559 met this girl. 0:14:53.119 --> 0:14:55.919 I met her in class, and we were together on 0:14:55.999 --> 0:14:59.599 and off until a year after graduation pretty much, so 0:15:00.479 --> 0:15:04.479 like three years. It was a pretty crazy relationship. Like, 0:15:04.559 --> 0:15:08.559 for example, we started dating and literally the weekend we 0:15:08.599 --> 0:15:11.759 started dating, one of my friends was out with her 0:15:11.759 --> 0:15:14.319 and sent me pictures of her with like another guy already. 0:15:14.359 --> 0:15:18.119 So like the first weekend, right off the bat, my 0:15:18.239 --> 0:15:22.159 first like real real relationship, Like that's what I was 0:15:22.199 --> 0:15:26.519 like greeted by, you know, and that was like lingered 0:15:26.559 --> 0:15:28.719 over our relationship the whole time, and like that gave 0:15:28.759 --> 0:15:30.319 me like some serious trust issues. 0:15:30.959 --> 0:15:32.959 Well how did you handle that? When that happened? 0:15:33.359 --> 0:15:35.559 I got the pictures and like I it was late 0:15:35.559 --> 0:15:38.679 at night, I couldn't sleep all night. The next day, 0:15:38.719 --> 0:15:41.399 she was actually working. I drove to her job to 0:15:41.679 --> 0:15:44.359 talk to her about it. She blamed on her being 0:15:44.359 --> 0:15:48.199 too drunk and like she didn't remember it, and I 0:15:48.239 --> 0:15:50.759 was able to forgive her. But those trust is she 0:15:50.839 --> 0:15:53.719 was definitely lasted the whole relationship. I was always you know, 0:15:54.519 --> 0:15:57.679 questioning things, and like I never like fully trusted her. 0:15:58.519 --> 0:16:03.639 Did that girlfriend continue to hook up with other guys 0:16:04.399 --> 0:16:07.399 or was it a one time incident that left you 0:16:07.479 --> 0:16:09.679 feeling distrustful throughout the relationship. 0:16:10.279 --> 0:16:12.679 Yeah, so it was definitely a one time incident from 0:16:12.759 --> 0:16:15.239 what I know. Of course, we just like had a 0:16:15.319 --> 0:16:20.199 lot of issues in that relationship because she was a bartender, 0:16:20.719 --> 0:16:23.479 I like the popular bar school. I feel like that 0:16:23.719 --> 0:16:26.839 was like the cloud on that relationship for pretty much 0:16:26.879 --> 0:16:29.439 the whole time. Why was that a cloud, I guess 0:16:29.519 --> 0:16:33.479 just like insecurities, just like trust issues between us mutual. 0:16:33.759 --> 0:16:35.799 Did she have trust issues with you as well? 0:16:36.399 --> 0:16:38.559 No, not that I know of, I don't think so. 0:16:38.959 --> 0:16:41.679 I never like cheated on or did anything. You know, 0:16:41.759 --> 0:16:44.319 I always like gave her full access to anything she wanted. 0:16:44.719 --> 0:16:46.559 When you say you gave her full access to anything 0:16:46.599 --> 0:16:48.439 she wanted, was she questioning you? 0:16:48.439 --> 0:16:48.879 No blake? 0:16:48.919 --> 0:16:51.399 If she ever felt uneasy about something or like someone 0:16:51.479 --> 0:16:54.399 I would if she wanted to see certain text messages, 0:16:54.399 --> 0:16:56.999 I would show her, Like I never really had anything 0:16:57.039 --> 0:16:58.239 to hide from her in that. 0:16:58.919 --> 0:17:00.959 It sounds like she did have some trust issues if 0:17:00.959 --> 0:17:03.079 she was asking to see some text messages. 0:17:03.839 --> 0:17:06.999 She never did specifically, but like as a way for 0:17:07.079 --> 0:17:10.079 me to prove, you know, my innocence, not that she 0:17:10.159 --> 0:17:12.199 was like assuming I was doing things. 0:17:12.399 --> 0:17:14.439 Well. I guess what I'm saying is in a relationship 0:17:14.479 --> 0:17:18.559 where there's trust, people are not needing to prove their innocence. Yeah, 0:17:18.599 --> 0:17:21.999 And so it sounds like something happened between the two 0:17:22.039 --> 0:17:25.719 of you where she communicated in some way that she 0:17:25.999 --> 0:17:30.319 wasn't sure she could trust you, and then you said no, no, no, 0:17:30.359 --> 0:17:32.239 you can let me show you these text messages. 0:17:32.719 --> 0:17:37.079 I think it's more so my trust issues with her. 0:17:37.399 --> 0:17:39.199 I would ask to see something, and I guess as 0:17:39.239 --> 0:17:42.159 a way to just like even the plant field, like 0:17:42.239 --> 0:17:44.039 she would like catch me slippy anyway? 0:17:44.119 --> 0:17:46.959 You know? Did she have transparency as well? 0:17:47.079 --> 0:17:47.239 Man? 0:17:47.279 --> 0:17:49.919 But she's saying, sure, here's my phone, whatever you want. 0:17:50.559 --> 0:17:51.359 Yeah she did. 0:17:51.599 --> 0:17:55.079 So what was other than that first weekend? What else 0:17:55.159 --> 0:17:57.679 was happening there that maintained the distress. 0:17:58.199 --> 0:18:02.159 Well, for example, one time I saw a text from 0:18:02.159 --> 0:18:04.519 one of her coworkers and I asked her, like if 0:18:04.559 --> 0:18:06.759 I could see more about it, and then like when 0:18:06.759 --> 0:18:09.879 I looked into the phone, it was like the asking 0:18:09.879 --> 0:18:11.599 her to go on a date and like her saying 0:18:11.639 --> 0:18:13.999 like yeah, And then when I questioned her about it, 0:18:14.119 --> 0:18:17.359 she was just like, oh no, like we never did that, 0:18:17.399 --> 0:18:19.599 like we're just like friends. 0:18:19.799 --> 0:18:21.839 She never did go on this date, but like, no 0:18:21.879 --> 0:18:24.079 one does this, like no one texts your friends. 0:18:24.239 --> 0:18:26.839 She said yes to the date, So that's the problem. Yeah, right, 0:18:26.839 --> 0:18:28.159 so there was definitely stuff. 0:18:27.919 --> 0:18:29.839 That was going on, yeah, for sure. 0:18:30.039 --> 0:18:31.479 And how did you deal with that with her? 0:18:31.639 --> 0:18:34.799 I was like, I'm gonna lookout for this coworker, Like 0:18:35.199 --> 0:18:37.759 I started hanging out with her friend grow more, and 0:18:37.839 --> 0:18:40.559 like I eventually was friends with him, but like it 0:18:40.639 --> 0:18:43.599 was still just something uneasy to see that. 0:18:44.919 --> 0:18:46.639 But you were friends with a guy who asked your 0:18:46.719 --> 0:18:48.959 girlfriend out, well he knew you were with him. 0:18:50.079 --> 0:18:53.239 Yeah, like not like best friends, but like if I 0:18:53.319 --> 0:18:55.279 went to an event with her friends, like he would 0:18:55.319 --> 0:18:55.679 be there. 0:18:56.599 --> 0:18:58.719 It's interesting that you said there was that one incident 0:18:58.799 --> 0:19:01.359 which happened early on, and then you said there was 0:19:01.439 --> 0:19:05.319 nothing else that would make you distrust her throughout the relationship. 0:19:05.399 --> 0:19:09.199 And yet here's an example. Somebody asked her out, which 0:19:09.399 --> 0:19:11.679 that's fine because that's not her doing. But then she 0:19:11.719 --> 0:19:14.639 said yes, And whether she went or not is kind 0:19:14.679 --> 0:19:18.599 of irrelevant because she said yes to a date. So 0:19:19.679 --> 0:19:23.159 it sounds like there was more than one incident, and 0:19:23.239 --> 0:19:25.519 can you tell us about others? 0:19:26.599 --> 0:19:26.919 Sure? 0:19:27.279 --> 0:19:29.519 So the kid that she cheated on me with that 0:19:29.559 --> 0:19:32.599 first weekend, he came to school with us, so, like 0:19:33.039 --> 0:19:34.799 we would see him around like a fair amount, so 0:19:34.879 --> 0:19:37.759 he was always like obviously like on the back of 0:19:37.759 --> 0:19:41.039 the mind, she like made it clear she was interested, 0:19:41.319 --> 0:19:44.119 blocked him on everything. But there would be times where 0:19:44.239 --> 0:19:46.639 she'd be bartending and I would see him like go 0:19:46.719 --> 0:19:50.199 up here and talk to her, and obviously I would react, 0:19:50.399 --> 0:19:52.239 come on, like what are you doing and she's like, oh, 0:19:52.279 --> 0:19:55.399 I'm just doing my job, when in reality like it 0:19:55.559 --> 0:19:58.199 to me, obviously, it seems like it was more than that. 0:19:58.439 --> 0:20:00.279 When you saw the text that she had said yes 0:20:00.319 --> 0:20:02.759 to the date, what was the conversation like between the 0:20:02.759 --> 0:20:04.519 two of you. So she said, well, I didn't go 0:20:04.599 --> 0:20:07.839 on it, so it's okay, but obviously it wasn't okay. 0:20:07.879 --> 0:20:08.119 With you. 0:20:08.479 --> 0:20:09.839 How did you talk to her about that? 0:20:10.119 --> 0:20:12.239