WEBVTT - Miss Rebel 0:00:10.160 --> 0:00:18.800 Misspelling with Tori Spelling and iHeartRadio podcast. Hi, I'm saying hi, 0:00:19.000 --> 0:00:21.239 and I'm going to sit in my own comfort of 0:00:21.280 --> 0:00:27.560 saying hi for a moment. I know misspelling hasn't been 0:00:28.640 --> 0:00:31.560 up for a couple of weeks. I want to thank 0:00:31.640 --> 0:00:36.520 everyone for your patience. I know we're all out there 0:00:37.240 --> 0:00:45.160 dealing with grief and loss and humanity and love and fairness, 0:00:45.200 --> 0:00:49.479 all kind of at our own time. I'm trying to 0:00:51.240 --> 0:00:57.400 make sense of things we can't make sense of. I 0:00:57.440 --> 0:00:59.800 guess that's human control, wanting to be able to control 0:00:59.800 --> 0:01:05.080 see situations that you can't control. As everyone knows, I 0:01:05.160 --> 0:01:08.399 lost a good friend, we all lost. The world lost 0:01:08.560 --> 0:01:13.040 of an important person just about two weeks ago when 0:01:13.040 --> 0:01:20.520 Shannon passed. While it was expected, I think the unexpected 0:01:21.120 --> 0:01:26.959 hit all of us quite hard because I think we 0:01:27.040 --> 0:01:32.440 thought her expected would be something that she would go 0:01:32.560 --> 0:01:40.399 down in history redefining. And I guess it's humanizing to 0:01:40.480 --> 0:01:45.759 know that that's not how life works, and then it's 0:01:45.840 --> 0:01:49.800 up to us to kind of sort that out. It 0:01:49.880 --> 0:01:54.040 was really tough for me when I found out the news. 0:01:54.520 --> 0:01:58.440 I actually my phone started ringing. I was sleeping with 0:01:58.480 --> 0:02:02.240 two of my children in their bed on the Sunday 0:02:02.240 --> 0:02:07.440 morning I found out and my phone I had it 0:02:07.480 --> 0:02:10.120 on silence, but it kept buzzing and it kept going off, 0:02:10.200 --> 0:02:11.720 kept going off. I checked the time and it was 0:02:11.760 --> 0:02:17.560 seven am, and I knew immedia was I was like, 0:02:17.600 --> 0:02:23.600 oh my god, somebody's passed. Somebody important has died. And 0:02:25.160 --> 0:02:30.360 I took that moment not to go on social media. 0:02:31.639 --> 0:02:35.280 I didn't call anyone back. I wanted to gather the 0:02:35.320 --> 0:02:37.440 details for myself so I could see how I wanted 0:02:37.440 --> 0:02:41.960 to process it before being overwhelmed by voices and text 0:02:42.000 --> 0:02:45.280 and emails. And sure enough, when I built up Google, 0:02:45.320 --> 0:02:50.040 I saw that Shannon had passed on Saturday night, and 0:02:52.440 --> 0:03:00.760 it was shocking, and I I think the first thing 0:03:00.800 --> 0:03:04.880 I felt was madness. Is madness the word I felt mad. 0:03:05.720 --> 0:03:13.640 Not for myself. I felt mad for the life that 0:03:14.080 --> 0:03:20.200 wouldn't continue, the life that had so much to offer, 0:03:21.200 --> 0:03:27.120 not just herself but everybody around here. This huge I 0:03:27.160 --> 0:03:28.799 want to say Ember. I don't know why I want 0:03:28.840 --> 0:03:32.600 to say Ember. This no because an Ember is small 0:03:32.680 --> 0:03:38.120 and she wasn't small just in frame. It was this huge, 0:03:38.560 --> 0:03:43.200 burning beacon. She was a beacon. Yeah, I like that one, 0:03:43.760 --> 0:03:49.640 and I know for everyone around the world that was 0:03:49.720 --> 0:03:52.839 going through something, whether it was cancer or any other 0:03:52.960 --> 0:03:58.720 kind of disease or ailment, or or connected to a 0:03:58.760 --> 0:04:03.320 hard time they were going through, or any kind of hardship. 0:04:03.400 --> 0:04:08.520 Because it's again, it's all individual. They really did look 0:04:08.560 --> 0:04:14.120 to her for inspiration and kind of power to carry 0:04:14.120 --> 0:04:17.479 on in the moments when they felt they couldn't. And 0:04:18.320 --> 0:04:20.800 I got to see that in person. I got to 0:04:20.800 --> 0:04:25.000 see that in person in her whole life, which is beautiful. 0:04:25.960 --> 0:04:28.400 I met Shannon when I was fifteen and we were 0:04:28.440 --> 0:04:33.240 doing the pilot. She was seventeen. I was the preduser's daughter. 0:04:33.320 --> 0:04:37.400 I was coming to set. I was terrified. All I 0:04:37.480 --> 0:04:41.480 wanted was to be accepted or if nothing else, just 0:04:42.480 --> 0:04:46.200 you know, blended with the background. Hope no one noticed me. 0:04:47.600 --> 0:04:51.280 Hope they liked me. You know, I came in with 0:04:51.360 --> 0:04:53.800 such a permegrant. It hurt in my face because I 0:04:53.880 --> 0:04:57.760 was like, you don't want to not be smiling twenty 0:04:57.800 --> 0:04:59.960 four to seven, because then they'll be like, oh, look 0:05:00.040 --> 0:05:05.240 the little rich girl. She she's not nice, and I 0:05:05.279 --> 0:05:08.320 think Sheannon and Brian were the first people that I 0:05:08.400 --> 0:05:13.520 met on set, and they were really really welcoming. And 0:05:14.920 --> 0:05:18.400 Shannon has that smile that smile that can light up 0:05:18.440 --> 0:05:22.279 the room. And I loved her smile because she would 0:05:22.320 --> 0:05:25.200 even say it herself, like, I don't have perfect teeth, 0:05:25.440 --> 0:05:27.640 but I love my teeth. And she always loved her teeth, 0:05:28.040 --> 0:05:33.080 and it was part of you know her. It was iconic. 0:05:33.360 --> 0:05:37.919 Her smile was legendary. And it wasn't just the smile, 0:05:38.040 --> 0:05:41.200 the teeth, the lips, it was what was behind the smile, 0:05:42.000 --> 0:05:48.680 and it came across with so much genuine interest and 0:05:48.800 --> 0:05:52.960 care and happiness and joy. There was so much joy 0:05:53.120 --> 0:05:58.200 behind that smile. And she immediately took me under her wing. 0:05:58.839 --> 0:06:02.080 She gave me a big hug, walked me around, took 0:06:02.080 --> 0:06:04.839 me into the makeup trailer. I was, you know, trying 0:06:04.880 --> 0:06:07.599 my best to pretend I was a cool, like older 0:06:07.640 --> 0:06:11.000 teen girl when I was just basically freaking out inside 0:06:11.720 --> 0:06:14.719 because standing right in front of me was one of 0:06:14.760 --> 0:06:20.040 the Heathers. And I was obsessed with the movie Heathers 0:06:20.240 --> 0:06:23.279 and my high school friends and I played it over 0:06:23.400 --> 0:06:26.279 and over again and rented it from Blockbuster. And I'm 0:06:26.279 --> 0:06:29.919 aging myself right now, but Shannon was my favorite in it. 0:06:30.080 --> 0:06:34.920 And I remember telling my dad. My dad, from a 0:06:35.120 --> 0:06:40.560 very young age, taught me star quality, the G factor, 0:06:40.560 --> 0:06:43.320 which they would say, now, I guess, but star quality 0:06:43.360 --> 0:06:47.799 was something my dad was very good at at finding. 0:06:48.560 --> 0:06:52.039 And it wasn't something you know, It wasn't about coming 0:06:52.120 --> 0:06:56.279 in and auditioning for him and nailing the audition. It 0:06:56.560 --> 0:07:00.080 went far beyond that. Many times my dad would say, 0:07:00.520 --> 0:07:03.359 the actor that got the role after the auditions is 0:07:03.400 --> 0:07:06.600 the one that thinks he least likely got the role 0:07:06.760 --> 0:07:09.720 because he messed up the audition. But it was never 0:07:09.800 --> 0:07:12.720 about the words on the page. It was about what 0:07:12.880 --> 0:07:17.679 was behind his eyes, and he was the one, and 0:07:17.880 --> 0:07:20.480 that guy would go on to be a ginormous star. 0:07:20.680 --> 0:07:24.280 So he when I had shown my dad, you know, 0:07:24.280 --> 0:07:26.160 my dad would always say, you know, what are the 0:07:26.200 --> 0:07:29.520 teens into? What are they like? And I would, you know, 0:07:29.760 --> 0:07:34.040 bring him my team be you know, Tiger Beat, seventeen 0:07:34.080 --> 0:07:38.280 magazines like that I had way too many of and 0:07:38.320 --> 0:07:43.040 a subscription I would always go through and we would 0:07:43.080 --> 0:07:47.920 literally sit there at dinner sometimes together. I remember like 0:07:48.320 --> 0:07:50.480 we were eating fried chick in one night at dinner 0:07:50.800 --> 0:07:54.160 my parents' massive ouse. It was just the breakfast room, 0:07:54.200 --> 0:07:57.480 me and my dad and I had my dad used 0:07:57.480 --> 0:08:00.800 to they used to call it dog earing when he 0:08:00.800 --> 0:08:03.400 would go through a script, my dad would dog hear 0:08:03.440 --> 0:08:05.480 every page that he had a note on, and with 0:08:05.640 --> 0:08:09.280 a black big pen, he would go and circle. He 0:08:09.280 --> 0:08:12.160 didn't make notes on other pages, he did it on 0:08:12.200 --> 0:08:15.800 the script and he would rewrite the line. And often 0:08:16.280 --> 0:08:19.680 at work they would say, uh oh, if Aaron's briefcase 0:08:19.720 --> 0:08:22.640 came back after the weekend, his assistant would open it 0:08:22.720 --> 0:08:25.280 and it would be filled with dog eared page. They'd 0:08:25.320 --> 0:08:26.920 all be like, uh oh, there's a lot of work 0:08:26.960 --> 0:08:29.440 to be done for the writers, because he basically used 0:08:29.440 --> 0:08:33.840 to rewrite all the scripts. But we would sit there 0:08:33.880 --> 0:08:35.719 and he'd be like, okay, show me, and I had 0:08:35.720 --> 0:08:37.920 all these pages dog ear, just like he liked it. 0:08:39.600 --> 0:08:44.200 And I would be like, this girl, that guy. And 0:08:45.080 --> 0:08:47.480 at some point I was like, you have to see 0:08:47.480 --> 0:08:52.880 Shannon Doherty. She is amazing. She dad, as you say, 0:08:53.000 --> 0:08:59.800 has star quality. And he took my advice he always did, 0:09:01.240 --> 0:09:03.480 and he had her in. He met with her, and 0:09:03.800 --> 0:09:07.440 you know, that's history. You know. Obviously she came in 0:09:07.520 --> 0:09:10.520 and he saw what I had hoped he would have seen, 0:09:10.760 --> 0:09:14.160 and she had star quality. Cast her and she became 0:09:14.200 --> 0:09:21.120 Brenda Walsh and changed history. But I think the big 0:09:21.200 --> 0:09:23.760 takeaway in the last two weeks, I've really been going 0:09:23.800 --> 0:09:30.679 back in time privately and thinking, you know, about the 0:09:30.800 --> 0:09:35.280 enormous effect that Shannon had, not just on a generation, 0:09:35.840 --> 0:09:39.160 generations to come and to come, like it's going to 0:09:39.280 --> 0:09:42.360 keep going. She will live on in her work and 0:09:42.400 --> 0:09:44.720 in the people that loved her and the things she 0:09:44.840 --> 0:09:48.640 stood for. But for me, I was able to go 0:09:48.760 --> 0:09:53.760 back and see from a very different perspective as an adult, 0:09:54.360 --> 0:09:58.400 back to that teenage, fifteen year old girl that I 0:09:58.600 --> 0:10:02.160 felt like. And I said this in my social media post, 0:10:02.280 --> 0:10:07.480 because when she passed, I saw everyone posting, and it 0:10:07.520 --> 0:10:09.920 was hard, you know, it was hard to not look 0:10:10.040 --> 0:10:14.400 at your Instagram and to see your feed, and you didn't. 0:10:14.480 --> 0:10:19.520 I didn't want to look away because I got to 0:10:19.520 --> 0:10:22.920 see my friend. I got to see beautiful pictures of 0:10:22.960 --> 0:10:24.840 her and I'd never seen before pictures I had seen 0:10:24.920 --> 0:10:30.160 before pictures I was in with her. But it was 0:10:30.320 --> 0:10:34.320 nice to be able in that day of solitude, upon 0:10:34.440 --> 0:10:38.800 hearing of her passing, to just see that and see 0:10:38.840 --> 0:10:43.720 how inundated everybody was with posting about her. And then 0:10:43.760 --> 0:10:46.800 that's when it came to me, because some people were 0:10:46.840 --> 0:10:52.719 posting newer and people an expectation of sorts that if 0:10:52.760 --> 0:10:55.520 you were close with her, or if you're close with 0:10:55.559 --> 0:10:59.959 anyone who passes, and they mean something to the public, 0:11:00.440 --> 0:11:04.040 So it's not just your friend passing, it's the public's 0:11:04.080 --> 0:11:10.480 friend passing. It's almost like unspoken, unspoken, what's the word 0:11:11.160 --> 0:11:14.720 something that you owe them? I guess at least this 0:11:14.840 --> 0:11:19.079 is what I felt. So I, being me very much 0:11:19.120 --> 0:11:23.520 went into my head of that fine dance between owing 0:11:23.559 --> 0:11:27.560 the public wording to speak out of how I felt 0:11:27.600 --> 0:11:33.240 about Shannon passing and just wanting to keep it private 0:11:33.280 --> 0:11:36.680 for myself. I mean, it was fine for me to 0:11:36.760 --> 0:11:43.160 obsessively stalk her page that is still up, or you know, 0:11:45.080 --> 0:11:48.480 her podcast page and see her last interview and look 0:11:48.520 --> 0:11:51.640 at that last interview saying she had so much hope. 0:11:52.600 --> 0:11:54.560 That was okay for me to do in my private time. 0:11:54.679 --> 0:11:57.360 But the thought in my mind I couldn't connect was 0:11:58.000 --> 0:12:00.480 putting a statement that I couldn't take back. You can't 0:12:00.480 --> 0:12:03.880 take backwards. And that's something I've learned the hard way 0:12:03.920 --> 0:12:07.000 in life, through relationships and business and everything as we 0:12:07.040 --> 0:12:12.080 get older. And I was like, how could I summarize 0:12:13.160 --> 0:12:17.520 someone I've known for thirty six years? Thirty six years 0:12:17.559 --> 0:12:21.640 it's over half my life, someone I grew up with, 0:12:21.760 --> 0:12:27.240 someone who was my best friend, someone who at some 0:12:27.400 --> 0:12:32.240 point I had misunderstandings with and didn't have contact with, 0:12:32.360 --> 0:12:37.760 and lost years for things we were to later go 0:12:37.920 --> 0:12:44.080 back and talk about and realize it was silly, and 0:12:44.120 --> 0:12:46.719 we acknowledged we had lost time, years and years that 0:12:46.760 --> 0:12:50.680 we could have been together over things that outside influences 0:12:50.760 --> 0:12:53.920 like press articles that maybe we believe and they got 0:12:53.960 --> 0:12:57.160 to us too much, or maybe inside influences other people 0:12:57.240 --> 0:13:01.560 that we knew and worked with influenced either of us, 0:13:02.000 --> 0:13:04.920 probably me because no one can influence her in a 0:13:04.960 --> 0:13:12.400 way that shaped and misshaped and unhinged our friendship. But 0:13:12.600 --> 0:13:16.959 ultimately we got that time to go back and say, 0:13:18.080 --> 0:13:21.560 none of that matters. What matters is that core friendship 0:13:21.600 --> 0:13:23.960 that we had and we were able to get back 0:13:23.960 --> 0:13:26.880 to that. And I'll talk about that in a second, 0:13:26.920 --> 0:13:29.680 but I want to be mindful to go back before 0:13:29.679 --> 0:13:33.320 it gets too far away. That it was really hard 0:13:33.360 --> 0:13:35.720 for me to put that first post up on Instagram, 0:13:36.440 --> 0:13:39.880 and I talked to a friend who said, she said, 0:13:39.880 --> 0:13:42.840 do it in your own time. Grief is right for 0:13:42.960 --> 0:13:45.000 what's right for you, and you handle it your way. 0:13:45.040 --> 0:13:48.240 No one expects anything, and I wish that were true. 0:13:49.000 --> 0:13:51.720 I did watch on social media, you know, because I 0:13:51.760 --> 0:13:55.880 did take a day before I posted, because I just 0:13:56.120 --> 0:13:59.280 my thoughts were everywhere and I wanted it to be right, 0:13:59.600 --> 0:14:01.800 and I I didn't want to rush it up to 0:14:01.840 --> 0:14:04.320 be like, oh see, look how much I love Shannon. 0:14:04.360 --> 0:14:06.640 I have a post up immediately a picture of us 0:14:06.880 --> 0:14:11.120 that was not what I wanted. And I did take 0:14:11.160 --> 0:14:14.600 a day, and during that day I did see comments like, 0:14:15.160 --> 0:14:18.240 oh I thought Tory and Shannon were friends. Tory hasn't posted, 0:14:18.360 --> 0:14:21.760 oh only maybe they weren't friends. And I had to 0:14:21.800 --> 0:14:24.280 be like, okay, that's just outside noise, let it go, 0:14:24.600 --> 0:14:30.120 let it go. It see did in though, So I 0:14:30.200 --> 0:14:34.000 was really happy I did take that day and didn't 0:14:34.160 --> 0:14:41.320 react because the post I put up. I actually think 0:14:41.360 --> 0:14:43.880 Shan would have been really proud of the post I 0:14:43.920 --> 0:14:46.960 put up. I would have called out a few more 0:14:47.000 --> 0:14:49.680 things if I really wanted to please her. Who knows, 0:14:49.720 --> 0:14:54.640 maybe I will do in time. But it was very 0:14:54.680 --> 0:14:58.440 authentically me, which is all she told me to ever be. 0:15:07.800 --> 0:15:13.400 I just want to be mindful that for years, you know, 0:15:13.480 --> 0:15:16.640 I think Shannon, I think we all have said this 0:15:16.720 --> 0:15:20.760 and seen these quotes that Shannon was misunderstood. I always 0:15:20.760 --> 0:15:24.280 hate these PC things. The press who were never PC 0:15:25.000 --> 0:15:29.840 tend to put out PC words when it's like now 0:15:29.840 --> 0:15:34.800 they're choosing to be semi kind, you know, or whether 0:15:35.120 --> 0:15:37.920 it's others that are saying, oh, she was just misunderstood. 0:15:38.760 --> 0:15:42.280 There was miscommunication. If I had to look back at it, 0:15:43.280 --> 0:15:46.960 I don't think Shannon ever was misunderstood. I don't think so. 0:15:47.680 --> 0:15:52.400 I think at the time she was a young girl, 0:15:52.600 --> 0:15:58.040 she was seventeen, who grew up in the business. She 0:15:58.680 --> 0:16:02.120 grew up, she grew up with men, she grew up 0:16:02.160 --> 0:16:05.200 with older men. I mean she was on Little House 0:16:05.240 --> 0:16:08.440 in the Prairie. She you know, Michael Landon was like 0:16:08.480 --> 0:16:13.440 her father, you know, Wilford Brumley with the star of 0:16:13.480 --> 0:16:16.600 her other show. Like it was these iconic, legendary old 0:16:16.720 --> 0:16:22.120 school men and here was this young girl, this spitfire, 0:16:22.360 --> 0:16:26.800 you know, smart, smart as they come, Like Shannon didn't 0:16:26.800 --> 0:16:29.760 miss a beat, even when she didn't feel well, even 0:16:29.800 --> 0:16:34.240 when she was sick, she never missed a beat. You 0:16:34.280 --> 0:16:37.360 could be talking about something and you could turn and 0:16:38.760 --> 0:16:42.360 you could say, oh, you think you made a good joke, 0:16:42.440 --> 0:16:44.240 or you think you brought it all back around, and 0:16:44.280 --> 0:16:46.320 you say, oh, you didn't hear me, and she goes, 0:16:46.360 --> 0:16:48.800 what when you said that? She heard everything while listening 0:16:48.840 --> 0:16:52.120 to three other people, and she just didn't comment on it. 0:16:52.280 --> 0:16:55.840 And I always said, oh, okay, noted she heard me. Eh, 0:16:55.880 --> 0:16:57.480 it wasn't a great one. It wasn't a great joke 0:16:57.520 --> 0:17:01.680 I made cool, but she heard me. And so she 0:17:01.880 --> 0:17:04.240 came up in a time where she felt like she 0:17:04.359 --> 0:17:07.760 had to be strong to be heard, which is unfortunate, 0:17:08.680 --> 0:17:12.920 but it laid the way for other generations who now 0:17:13.040 --> 0:17:17.280 can happily step into that role. And instead of looking 0:17:17.320 --> 0:17:21.119 back at a time when people said, oh, you know 0:17:21.200 --> 0:17:23.600 and she would say this, you know, people thought I 0:17:23.800 --> 0:17:26.600 was maybe they thought I was a bitch, they thought, 0:17:26.760 --> 0:17:31.480 you know, and she wasn't. I can tell you right now. 0:17:31.800 --> 0:17:36.399 She was strong and she would tell you right to 0:17:36.440 --> 0:17:40.439 your face if she didn't believe in something. And so 0:17:41.680 --> 0:17:45.760 in the nineties, you know, maybe that was here's other 0:17:45.800 --> 0:17:49.200 girls who were hiding behind there. You know, we're cute, 0:17:49.240 --> 0:17:52.640 we're giggly. I hate to admit it, I was one 0:17:52.640 --> 0:17:56.119 of them, like please, thank you, am I okay or 0:17:56.240 --> 0:18:00.040 whatever you want? And you know she was always the 0:18:00.080 --> 0:18:02.720 one behind me. No, no, not whatever you want. You 0:18:02.800 --> 0:18:04.879 know what you want, say what you want, not what 0:18:04.920 --> 0:18:09.120 they want. And I just wish I had learned sooner. 0:18:09.280 --> 0:18:12.720 I think a lot of us as screw a lot 0:18:12.720 --> 0:18:16.080 of us me. I'm gonna talk about me. I spent 0:18:16.400 --> 0:18:23.239 so many years feeling like I was conditioned to be 0:18:23.320 --> 0:18:26.960 a well behaved girl who is seen and not heard. 0:18:27.600 --> 0:18:32.960 And those are my feelings. But I also feel like 0:18:33.000 --> 0:18:37.879 shandified that. I feel like Shan she was a rebel. 0:18:40.200 --> 0:18:44.399 And obviously I'm not negain the fact that, and she 0:18:44.760 --> 0:18:49.119 had acknowledged this in the past, that she could have 0:18:49.400 --> 0:18:54.560 handled things better in certain circumstances, and she's addressed that. 0:18:55.119 --> 0:18:57.760 But you know what the truth is, we were all young, 0:18:58.520 --> 0:19:02.320 and what she gave to everyone on camera, that is 0:19:02.359 --> 0:19:07.399 what lives on. And she never let anyone down on camera. 0:19:07.600 --> 0:19:11.320 She always hit her mark. She always knew which camera angle, 0:19:11.840 --> 0:19:16.760 she knew everything going on, and she would even be helpful, 0:19:16.920 --> 0:19:19.919 and not in a buster ball type of way. I 0:19:19.920 --> 0:19:22.119 would hear her talking with the crew, and crews always 0:19:22.200 --> 0:19:26.880 loved Shannon Cruise. If it historically, if you go back 0:19:26.920 --> 0:19:30.119 and there's people that had, you know, something to say 0:19:30.280 --> 0:19:38.120 about Shan's strength. It was always actresses you know, or actors. 0:19:38.200 --> 0:19:43.800 But I hate to separate actors actresses. But it was 0:19:43.840 --> 0:19:47.520 a different time then. It wasn't crew members. Crew members 0:19:47.760 --> 0:19:50.360 loved her. They loved working with her. They looked laughing 0:19:50.400 --> 0:19:53.480 with her. I loved hearing Shan be like one of 0:19:53.480 --> 0:19:57.520 the guys behind the scenes and she'd be out there laughing. 0:19:57.840 --> 0:20:00.240 She'd be on the back parking lot, you know, when 0:20:00.240 --> 0:20:03.440 we were like twenty, and she'd be like smoking cigarettes 0:20:03.480 --> 0:20:07.280 with the crew guys and they'd be laughing these hearty laughs. 0:20:07.800 --> 0:20:10.280 And I just remember looking her and there'd be these 0:20:10.400 --> 0:20:15.080 big guys and there'd be little Shan in her little 0:20:15.200 --> 0:20:20.600 black crop top and her tight like Levi's best but 0:20:20.800 --> 0:20:24.840 ever and her boots, and she'd be smoking a marble 0:20:24.960 --> 0:20:29.359 light and talking to them and just like the boldest laugh. 0:20:30.160 --> 0:20:34.040 And I was like, that's cool. And I always would 0:20:34.080 --> 0:20:35.919 look at her and be like, I want to be 0:20:36.119 --> 0:20:39.399 that girl. I just didn't know how to feed that girl. 0:20:41.920 --> 0:20:44.480 But the thing is, you know, Shan had to take 0:20:44.480 --> 0:20:46.960 all that she had to take the ebbs and flows 0:20:47.000 --> 0:20:50.879 of her career, dealing with a woman that was very strong, 0:20:50.920 --> 0:20:54.800 a woman that fought injustice, a woman that said, hey, 0:20:54.960 --> 0:20:57.439 if I don't think this is the right way to 0:20:57.480 --> 0:20:59.920 do it. I'm not going to pease you, because ultimately 0:21:00.160 --> 0:21:03.840 it's me they see on camera. It's not someone off 0:21:03.840 --> 0:21:06.200 camera that told me, no, you can't do it that way. 0:21:06.520 --> 0:21:08.080 You have to stand there, you have to do this. 0:21:09.240 --> 0:21:11.640 She fought, and I think the art that she has 0:21:11.720 --> 0:21:15.159 put out there that will be her legacy stands by that. 0:21:16.800 --> 0:21:19.879 I don't think she ever looked at something that she 0:21:20.000 --> 0:21:23.880 put out there and was disappointed by what she put 0:21:23.880 --> 0:21:26.760 out there or felt bad about the means she took 0:21:26.840 --> 0:21:30.240 to get it out there. And that speaks volumes to 0:21:30.280 --> 0:21:34.679 someone that was so passionate about what she did and 0:21:34.840 --> 0:21:38.640 passionate about her fans and giving them the right thing. 0:21:41.400 --> 0:21:46.919 So yeah, I spent years kind of fighting that, and 0:21:46.960 --> 0:21:50.680 when we were able as adults to come back and 0:21:52.040 --> 0:21:57.919 reconnect and say I love you, where did this friendship 0:21:58.440 --> 0:22:04.000 go wrong? And I know you guys saw the interviews 0:22:04.080 --> 0:22:08.399 on my podcast and on Chance podcast of us, you know, 0:22:08.560 --> 0:22:12.480 kind of figuring out where the relationship kind of fizzled 0:22:12.520 --> 0:22:15.119 and why we didn't get it back and what was 0:22:15.200 --> 0:22:19.000 keeping us from getting it back, and then ultimately we 0:22:19.119 --> 0:22:23.840 just kind of let it go that day that day 0:22:23.840 --> 0:22:27.280 and it wasn't that long ago. Really changed my life, 0:22:27.359 --> 0:22:32.800 and it changed my life because for two reasons. One, 0:22:33.080 --> 0:22:35.480 we've all had a lot of death in our lives, 0:22:35.560 --> 0:22:41.280 I'm sure at this point, and I know I've had 0:22:41.320 --> 0:22:46.080 a lot of untimely deaths that weren't expected, young deaths 0:22:46.080 --> 0:22:50.439 of people that it's like, way too soon. And I 0:22:50.440 --> 0:22:53.159 don't believe in regrets in life. That's one of my 0:22:53.160 --> 0:22:54.960 big things. I don't even know why, I just I 0:22:55.160 --> 0:23:00.840 just don't. But I always had the regret that I 0:23:00.960 --> 0:23:05.600 never because I'm non confrontational. So if something's uncomfortable, I 0:23:05.600 --> 0:23:07.080 will sit in it and I will give you a 0:23:07.119 --> 0:23:11.280 million and one reasons why I can't do it. I 0:23:11.320 --> 0:23:13.880 can't talk to that friend, I can't reach out. They 0:23:14.040 --> 0:23:16.560 might not want to speak to me. And it's my 0:23:16.680 --> 0:23:21.360 own fear and it's my own shit. And a lot 0:23:21.400 --> 0:23:24.400 of people passed in my life that I didn't get 0:23:25.040 --> 0:23:28.960 that one last conversation with that one last question or 0:23:29.000 --> 0:23:32.160 that one last like you know what, we're here now. 0:23:32.640 --> 0:23:35.840 I love you. Past doesn't matter, including my own dad, 0:23:36.160 --> 0:23:41.320 like I didn't get that with my dad that I 0:23:41.359 --> 0:23:46.320 wish I had. That's all. And with Shannon, while it 0:23:46.400 --> 0:23:53.439 was so completely unexpected. I did get that time with 0:23:53.520 --> 0:23:56.960 her where we were able to really dissect our friendship 0:23:57.000 --> 0:24:00.199 and really and this isn't over the one podcast, This 0:24:00.240 --> 0:24:05.199 Isn't over. You know that amazing private plane flight I 0:24:05.240 --> 0:24:10.880 took back from the last convention with her and Chris 0:24:11.160 --> 0:24:15.800 and Ruth, Anne and Drew and Christie. Oh, And that 0:24:16.040 --> 0:24:19.679 was so special to me. I'll never forget it. And 0:24:19.720 --> 0:24:22.720 it was just some other times we got. We got 0:24:22.760 --> 0:24:27.639 a few times together, and it all ended with us 0:24:27.880 --> 0:24:33.399 remembering at the heart why we became friends and why 0:24:33.600 --> 0:24:37.720 that friendship was so strong, and why that friendship should 0:24:37.760 --> 0:24:49.280 it continued. I know through talking to some of Shannon's 0:24:49.359 --> 0:24:53.480 very close friends that while it was not unexpected when 0:24:53.480 --> 0:24:57.199 she passed last two weeks, she knew there was a 0:24:57.240 --> 0:25:02.720 time clock, and she lived the last year or so 0:25:03.560 --> 0:25:08.280 with intent, and the choices she made were very intentional. 0:25:09.400 --> 0:25:14.320 The people she talked to, the people she allowed in 0:25:15.200 --> 0:25:21.080 it was intentional, and I'm grateful. I'm grateful I had that. Now, 0:25:21.080 --> 0:25:24.240 at this point in the program, I'm going to take 0:25:24.280 --> 0:25:26.200 Shan out of it, and I'm going to say the 0:25:26.240 --> 0:25:30.600 effect on me, because you know, our loved ones, once 0:25:30.600 --> 0:25:35.200 they're past, they've passed, they've you know, they've transitioned and 0:25:35.800 --> 0:25:40.280 they're out of their bodies and they're above and it's 0:25:40.320 --> 0:25:43.120 super crazy. We all have our little things. I'm sure 0:25:43.119 --> 0:25:45.199 you all do this when a loved one passes. You're like, 0:25:45.240 --> 0:25:47.440 give me a sign, a sign. I want to see something. 0:25:48.359 --> 0:25:52.480 And someone always told me when I could never find 0:25:52.520 --> 0:25:55.040 the signs of my dad, and I'd be like, I 0:25:55.160 --> 0:25:57.960 just nothing, he never comes to me. And someone said, 0:25:57.960 --> 0:26:01.520 look for a monarch butterfly. I was like, okay, So 0:26:01.560 --> 0:26:06.560 I'd look, and you know, let's face it, there's butterflies everywhere. 0:26:07.000 --> 0:26:11.080 So I'd always see a butterfly once here, nor there 0:26:11.160 --> 0:26:15.040 or wherever, and I'd be like, you know, oh my gosh. 0:26:15.080 --> 0:26:17.160 And I look over and I see ten other people 0:26:17.160 --> 0:26:19.480 in the parking lot pointing, going oh, there's my mom, 0:26:19.560 --> 0:26:24.080 there's my grandmother, there's and I was saying, no, fuck me, Well, Dad, 0:26:24.160 --> 0:26:27.320 are you one of them? I don't know. But the 0:26:27.400 --> 0:26:32.080 interesting thing is the day after Shan passed. And we 0:26:32.119 --> 0:26:35.639 all know Shannon was a huge animal lover. I always 0:26:35.680 --> 0:26:37.600 say she saw the truth in humans and had no 0:26:37.680 --> 0:26:44.040 tolerance for it. But she unconditionally loved animals and children. 0:26:45.359 --> 0:26:49.760 She really did. Oh in fashion and good food, best 0:26:49.800 --> 0:26:56.119 taste in wine, but she yeah, anyway, my dog Manty. 0:26:57.200 --> 0:27:01.320 We have a da that leads out in big beautiful 0:27:01.400 --> 0:27:04.880 View where we live and Monty. The day she passed, 0:27:05.440 --> 0:27:06.920 I went out there and he was just I think 0:27:06.920 --> 0:27:09.359 I posted something on Instagram and say what it was. 0:27:09.480 --> 0:27:13.520 I want people to think I was weird. But he 0:27:13.560 --> 0:27:15.600 looked out there and he was crying, and he kept 0:27:15.600 --> 0:27:17.360 looking at and I kept saying, what are you looking for? 0:27:17.440 --> 0:27:19.520 What are you looking for? And then I think, when 0:27:19.560 --> 0:27:23.600 you're going through grief, it's natural human instinct to be like, 0:27:24.840 --> 0:27:26.600 is that my friend? Is that my loved one? Do 0:27:26.640 --> 0:27:28.840 you hear them? You know? Is we want a connection? 0:27:28.960 --> 0:27:32.960 We want to we want something that's not about that, 0:27:33.160 --> 0:27:36.320 that's about us, you know, that's our need to hold 0:27:36.400 --> 0:27:40.240 on to control what we think has been lost forever. 0:27:41.040 --> 0:27:43.320 He continued to do that for a week though. But 0:27:43.480 --> 0:27:47.760 more than that, I've never seen somebody more our butterflies 0:27:47.800 --> 0:27:52.960 in my backyard than I have, so either my dad, 0:27:53.040 --> 0:27:57.040