1 00:00:10,160 --> 00:00:18,800 Speaker 1: Misspelling with Tori Spelling and iHeartRadio podcast. Hi, I'm saying hi, 2 00:00:19,000 --> 00:00:21,239 Speaker 1: and I'm going to sit in my own comfort of 3 00:00:21,280 --> 00:00:27,560 Speaker 1: saying hi for a moment. I know misspelling hasn't been 4 00:00:28,640 --> 00:00:31,560 Speaker 1: up for a couple of weeks. I want to thank 5 00:00:31,640 --> 00:00:36,520 Speaker 1: everyone for your patience. I know we're all out there 6 00:00:37,240 --> 00:00:45,160 Speaker 1: dealing with grief and loss and humanity and love and fairness, 7 00:00:45,200 --> 00:00:49,479 Speaker 1: all kind of at our own time. I'm trying to 8 00:00:51,240 --> 00:00:57,400 Speaker 1: make sense of things we can't make sense of. I 9 00:00:57,440 --> 00:00:59,800 Speaker 1: guess that's human control, wanting to be able to control 10 00:00:59,800 --> 00:01:05,080 Speaker 1: see situations that you can't control. As everyone knows, I 11 00:01:05,160 --> 00:01:08,399 Speaker 1: lost a good friend, we all lost. The world lost 12 00:01:08,560 --> 00:01:13,040 Speaker 1: of an important person just about two weeks ago when 13 00:01:13,040 --> 00:01:20,520 Speaker 1: Shannon passed. While it was expected, I think the unexpected 14 00:01:21,120 --> 00:01:26,959 Speaker 1: hit all of us quite hard because I think we 15 00:01:27,040 --> 00:01:32,440 Speaker 1: thought her expected would be something that she would go 16 00:01:32,560 --> 00:01:40,399 Speaker 1: down in history redefining. And I guess it's humanizing to 17 00:01:40,480 --> 00:01:45,759 Speaker 1: know that that's not how life works, and then it's 18 00:01:45,840 --> 00:01:49,800 Speaker 1: up to us to kind of sort that out. It 19 00:01:49,880 --> 00:01:54,040 Speaker 1: was really tough for me when I found out the news. 20 00:01:54,520 --> 00:01:58,440 Speaker 1: I actually my phone started ringing. I was sleeping with 21 00:01:58,480 --> 00:02:02,240 Speaker 1: two of my children in their bed on the Sunday 22 00:02:02,240 --> 00:02:07,440 Speaker 1: morning I found out and my phone I had it 23 00:02:07,480 --> 00:02:10,120 Speaker 1: on silence, but it kept buzzing and it kept going off, 24 00:02:10,200 --> 00:02:11,720 Speaker 1: kept going off. I checked the time and it was 25 00:02:11,760 --> 00:02:17,560 Speaker 1: seven am, and I knew immedia was I was like, 26 00:02:17,600 --> 00:02:23,600 Speaker 1: oh my god, somebody's passed. Somebody important has died. And 27 00:02:25,160 --> 00:02:30,360 Speaker 1: I took that moment not to go on social media. 28 00:02:31,639 --> 00:02:35,280 Speaker 1: I didn't call anyone back. I wanted to gather the 29 00:02:35,320 --> 00:02:37,440 Speaker 1: details for myself so I could see how I wanted 30 00:02:37,440 --> 00:02:41,960 Speaker 1: to process it before being overwhelmed by voices and text 31 00:02:42,000 --> 00:02:45,280 Speaker 1: and emails. And sure enough, when I built up Google, 32 00:02:45,320 --> 00:02:50,040 Speaker 1: I saw that Shannon had passed on Saturday night, and 33 00:02:52,440 --> 00:03:00,760 Speaker 1: it was shocking, and I I think the first thing 34 00:03:00,800 --> 00:03:04,880 Speaker 1: I felt was madness. Is madness the word I felt mad. 35 00:03:05,720 --> 00:03:13,640 Speaker 1: Not for myself. I felt mad for the life that 36 00:03:14,080 --> 00:03:20,200 Speaker 1: wouldn't continue, the life that had so much to offer, 37 00:03:21,200 --> 00:03:27,120 Speaker 1: not just herself but everybody around here. This huge I 38 00:03:27,160 --> 00:03:28,799 Speaker 1: want to say Ember. I don't know why I want 39 00:03:28,840 --> 00:03:32,600 Speaker 1: to say Ember. This no because an Ember is small 40 00:03:32,680 --> 00:03:38,120 Speaker 1: and she wasn't small just in frame. It was this huge, 41 00:03:38,560 --> 00:03:43,200 Speaker 1: burning beacon. She was a beacon. Yeah, I like that one, 42 00:03:43,760 --> 00:03:49,640 Speaker 1: and I know for everyone around the world that was 43 00:03:49,720 --> 00:03:52,839 Speaker 1: going through something, whether it was cancer or any other 44 00:03:52,960 --> 00:03:58,720 Speaker 1: kind of disease or ailment, or or connected to a 45 00:03:58,760 --> 00:04:03,320 Speaker 1: hard time they were going through, or any kind of hardship. 46 00:04:03,400 --> 00:04:08,520 Speaker 1: Because it's again, it's all individual. They really did look 47 00:04:08,560 --> 00:04:14,120 Speaker 1: to her for inspiration and kind of power to carry 48 00:04:14,120 --> 00:04:17,479 Speaker 1: on in the moments when they felt they couldn't. And 49 00:04:18,320 --> 00:04:20,800 Speaker 1: I got to see that in person. I got to 50 00:04:20,800 --> 00:04:25,000 Speaker 1: see that in person in her whole life, which is beautiful. 51 00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:28,400 Speaker 1: I met Shannon when I was fifteen and we were 52 00:04:28,440 --> 00:04:33,240 Speaker 1: doing the pilot. She was seventeen. I was the preduser's daughter. 53 00:04:33,320 --> 00:04:37,400 Speaker 1: I was coming to set. I was terrified. All I 54 00:04:37,480 --> 00:04:41,480 Speaker 1: wanted was to be accepted or if nothing else, just 55 00:04:42,480 --> 00:04:46,200 Speaker 1: you know, blended with the background. Hope no one noticed me. 56 00:04:47,600 --> 00:04:51,280 Speaker 1: Hope they liked me. You know, I came in with 57 00:04:51,360 --> 00:04:53,800 Speaker 1: such a permegrant. It hurt in my face because I 58 00:04:53,880 --> 00:04:57,760 Speaker 1: was like, you don't want to not be smiling twenty 59 00:04:57,800 --> 00:04:59,960 Speaker 1: four to seven, because then they'll be like, oh, look 60 00:05:00,040 --> 00:05:05,240 Speaker 1: the little rich girl. She she's not nice, and I 61 00:05:05,279 --> 00:05:08,320 Speaker 1: think Sheannon and Brian were the first people that I 62 00:05:08,400 --> 00:05:13,520 Speaker 1: met on set, and they were really really welcoming. And 63 00:05:14,920 --> 00:05:18,400 Speaker 1: Shannon has that smile that smile that can light up 64 00:05:18,440 --> 00:05:22,279 Speaker 1: the room. And I loved her smile because she would 65 00:05:22,320 --> 00:05:25,200 Speaker 1: even say it herself, like, I don't have perfect teeth, 66 00:05:25,440 --> 00:05:27,640 Speaker 1: but I love my teeth. And she always loved her teeth, 67 00:05:28,040 --> 00:05:33,080 Speaker 1: and it was part of you know her. It was iconic. 68 00:05:33,360 --> 00:05:37,919 Speaker 1: Her smile was legendary. And it wasn't just the smile, 69 00:05:38,040 --> 00:05:41,200 Speaker 1: the teeth, the lips, it was what was behind the smile, 70 00:05:42,000 --> 00:05:48,680 Speaker 1: and it came across with so much genuine interest and 71 00:05:48,800 --> 00:05:52,960 Speaker 1: care and happiness and joy. There was so much joy 72 00:05:53,120 --> 00:05:58,200 Speaker 1: behind that smile. And she immediately took me under her wing. 73 00:05:58,839 --> 00:06:02,080 Speaker 1: She gave me a big hug, walked me around, took 74 00:06:02,080 --> 00:06:04,839 Speaker 1: me into the makeup trailer. I was, you know, trying 75 00:06:04,880 --> 00:06:07,599 Speaker 1: my best to pretend I was a cool, like older 76 00:06:07,640 --> 00:06:11,000 Speaker 1: teen girl when I was just basically freaking out inside 77 00:06:11,720 --> 00:06:14,719 Speaker 1: because standing right in front of me was one of 78 00:06:14,760 --> 00:06:20,040 Speaker 1: the Heathers. And I was obsessed with the movie Heathers 79 00:06:20,240 --> 00:06:23,279 Speaker 1: and my high school friends and I played it over 80 00:06:23,400 --> 00:06:26,279 Speaker 1: and over again and rented it from Blockbuster. And I'm 81 00:06:26,279 --> 00:06:29,919 Speaker 1: aging myself right now, but Shannon was my favorite in it. 82 00:06:30,080 --> 00:06:34,920 Speaker 1: And I remember telling my dad. My dad, from a 83 00:06:35,120 --> 00:06:40,560 Speaker 1: very young age, taught me star quality, the G factor, 84 00:06:40,560 --> 00:06:43,320 Speaker 1: which they would say, now, I guess, but star quality 85 00:06:43,360 --> 00:06:47,799 Speaker 1: was something my dad was very good at at finding. 86 00:06:48,560 --> 00:06:52,039 Speaker 1: And it wasn't something you know, It wasn't about coming 87 00:06:52,120 --> 00:06:56,279 Speaker 1: in and auditioning for him and nailing the audition. It 88 00:06:56,560 --> 00:07:00,080 Speaker 1: went far beyond that. Many times my dad would say, 89 00:07:00,520 --> 00:07:03,359 Speaker 1: the actor that got the role after the auditions is 90 00:07:03,400 --> 00:07:06,600 Speaker 1: the one that thinks he least likely got the role 91 00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:09,720 Speaker 1: because he messed up the audition. But it was never 92 00:07:09,800 --> 00:07:12,720 Speaker 1: about the words on the page. It was about what 93 00:07:12,880 --> 00:07:17,679 Speaker 1: was behind his eyes, and he was the one, and 94 00:07:17,880 --> 00:07:20,480 Speaker 1: that guy would go on to be a ginormous star. 95 00:07:20,680 --> 00:07:24,280 Speaker 1: So he when I had shown my dad, you know, 96 00:07:24,280 --> 00:07:26,160 Speaker 1: my dad would always say, you know, what are the 97 00:07:26,200 --> 00:07:29,520 Speaker 1: teens into? What are they like? And I would, you know, 98 00:07:29,760 --> 00:07:34,040 Speaker 1: bring him my team be you know, Tiger Beat, seventeen 99 00:07:34,080 --> 00:07:38,280 Speaker 1: magazines like that I had way too many of and 100 00:07:38,320 --> 00:07:43,040 Speaker 1: a subscription I would always go through and we would 101 00:07:43,080 --> 00:07:47,920 Speaker 1: literally sit there at dinner sometimes together. I remember like 102 00:07:48,320 --> 00:07:50,480 Speaker 1: we were eating fried chick in one night at dinner 103 00:07:50,800 --> 00:07:54,160 Speaker 1: my parents' massive ouse. It was just the breakfast room, 104 00:07:54,200 --> 00:07:57,480 Speaker 1: me and my dad and I had my dad used 105 00:07:57,480 --> 00:08:00,800 Speaker 1: to they used to call it dog earing when he 106 00:08:00,800 --> 00:08:03,400 Speaker 1: would go through a script, my dad would dog hear 107 00:08:03,440 --> 00:08:05,480 Speaker 1: every page that he had a note on, and with 108 00:08:05,640 --> 00:08:09,280 Speaker 1: a black big pen, he would go and circle. He 109 00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:12,160 Speaker 1: didn't make notes on other pages, he did it on 110 00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:15,800 Speaker 1: the script and he would rewrite the line. And often 111 00:08:16,280 --> 00:08:19,680 Speaker 1: at work they would say, uh oh, if Aaron's briefcase 112 00:08:19,720 --> 00:08:22,640 Speaker 1: came back after the weekend, his assistant would open it 113 00:08:22,720 --> 00:08:25,280 Speaker 1: and it would be filled with dog eared page. They'd 114 00:08:25,320 --> 00:08:26,920 Speaker 1: all be like, uh oh, there's a lot of work 115 00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:29,440 Speaker 1: to be done for the writers, because he basically used 116 00:08:29,440 --> 00:08:33,840 Speaker 1: to rewrite all the scripts. But we would sit there 117 00:08:33,880 --> 00:08:35,719 Speaker 1: and he'd be like, okay, show me, and I had 118 00:08:35,720 --> 00:08:37,920 Speaker 1: all these pages dog ear, just like he liked it. 119 00:08:39,600 --> 00:08:44,200 Speaker 1: And I would be like, this girl, that guy. And 120 00:08:45,080 --> 00:08:47,480 Speaker 1: at some point I was like, you have to see 121 00:08:47,480 --> 00:08:52,880 Speaker 1: Shannon Doherty. She is amazing. She dad, as you say, 122 00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:59,800 Speaker 1: has star quality. And he took my advice he always did, 123 00:09:01,240 --> 00:09:03,480 Speaker 1: and he had her in. He met with her, and 124 00:09:03,800 --> 00:09:07,440 Speaker 1: you know, that's history. You know. Obviously she came in 125 00:09:07,520 --> 00:09:10,520 Speaker 1: and he saw what I had hoped he would have seen, 126 00:09:10,760 --> 00:09:14,160 Speaker 1: and she had star quality. Cast her and she became 127 00:09:14,200 --> 00:09:21,120 Speaker 1: Brenda Walsh and changed history. But I think the big 128 00:09:21,200 --> 00:09:23,760 Speaker 1: takeaway in the last two weeks, I've really been going 129 00:09:23,800 --> 00:09:30,679 Speaker 1: back in time privately and thinking, you know, about the 130 00:09:30,800 --> 00:09:35,280 Speaker 1: enormous effect that Shannon had, not just on a generation, 131 00:09:35,840 --> 00:09:39,160 Speaker 1: generations to come and to come, like it's going to 132 00:09:39,280 --> 00:09:42,360 Speaker 1: keep going. She will live on in her work and 133 00:09:42,400 --> 00:09:44,720 Speaker 1: in the people that loved her and the things she 134 00:09:44,840 --> 00:09:48,640 Speaker 1: stood for. But for me, I was able to go 135 00:09:48,760 --> 00:09:53,760 Speaker 1: back and see from a very different perspective as an adult, 136 00:09:54,360 --> 00:09:58,400 Speaker 1: back to that teenage, fifteen year old girl that I 137 00:09:58,600 --> 00:10:02,160 Speaker 1: felt like. And I said this in my social media post, 138 00:10:02,280 --> 00:10:07,480 Speaker 1: because when she passed, I saw everyone posting, and it 139 00:10:07,520 --> 00:10:09,920 Speaker 1: was hard, you know, it was hard to not look 140 00:10:10,040 --> 00:10:14,400 Speaker 1: at your Instagram and to see your feed, and you didn't. 141 00:10:14,480 --> 00:10:19,520 Speaker 1: I didn't want to look away because I got to 142 00:10:19,520 --> 00:10:22,920 Speaker 1: see my friend. I got to see beautiful pictures of 143 00:10:22,960 --> 00:10:24,840 Speaker 1: her and I'd never seen before pictures I had seen 144 00:10:24,920 --> 00:10:30,160 Speaker 1: before pictures I was in with her. But it was 145 00:10:30,320 --> 00:10:34,320 Speaker 1: nice to be able in that day of solitude, upon 146 00:10:34,440 --> 00:10:38,800 Speaker 1: hearing of her passing, to just see that and see 147 00:10:38,840 --> 00:10:43,720 Speaker 1: how inundated everybody was with posting about her. And then 148 00:10:43,760 --> 00:10:46,800 Speaker 1: that's when it came to me, because some people were 149 00:10:46,840 --> 00:10:52,719 Speaker 1: posting newer and people an expectation of sorts that if 150 00:10:52,760 --> 00:10:55,520 Speaker 1: you were close with her, or if you're close with 151 00:10:55,559 --> 00:10:59,959 Speaker 1: anyone who passes, and they mean something to the public, 152 00:11:00,440 --> 00:11:04,040 Speaker 1: So it's not just your friend passing, it's the public's 153 00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:10,480 Speaker 1: friend passing. It's almost like unspoken, unspoken, what's the word 154 00:11:11,160 --> 00:11:14,720 Speaker 1: something that you owe them? I guess at least this 155 00:11:14,840 --> 00:11:19,079 Speaker 1: is what I felt. So I, being me very much 156 00:11:19,120 --> 00:11:23,520 Speaker 1: went into my head of that fine dance between owing 157 00:11:23,559 --> 00:11:27,560 Speaker 1: the public wording to speak out of how I felt 158 00:11:27,600 --> 00:11:33,240 Speaker 1: about Shannon passing and just wanting to keep it private 159 00:11:33,280 --> 00:11:36,680 Speaker 1: for myself. I mean, it was fine for me to 160 00:11:36,760 --> 00:11:43,160 Speaker 1: obsessively stalk her page that is still up, or you know, 161 00:11:45,080 --> 00:11:48,480 Speaker 1: her podcast page and see her last interview and look 162 00:11:48,520 --> 00:11:51,640 Speaker 1: at that last interview saying she had so much hope. 163 00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:54,560 Speaker 1: That was okay for me to do in my private time. 164 00:11:54,679 --> 00:11:57,360 Speaker 1: But the thought in my mind I couldn't connect was 165 00:11:58,000 --> 00:12:00,480 Speaker 1: putting a statement that I couldn't take back. You can't 166 00:12:00,480 --> 00:12:03,880 Speaker 1: take backwards. And that's something I've learned the hard way 167 00:12:03,920 --> 00:12:07,000 Speaker 1: in life, through relationships and business and everything as we 168 00:12:07,040 --> 00:12:12,080 Speaker 1: get older. And I was like, how could I summarize 169 00:12:13,160 --> 00:12:17,520 Speaker 1: someone I've known for thirty six years? Thirty six years 170 00:12:17,559 --> 00:12:21,640 Speaker 1: it's over half my life, someone I grew up with, 171 00:12:21,760 --> 00:12:27,240 Speaker 1: someone who was my best friend, someone who at some 172 00:12:27,400 --> 00:12:32,240 Speaker 1: point I had misunderstandings with and didn't have contact with, 173 00:12:32,360 --> 00:12:37,760 Speaker 1: and lost years for things we were to later go 174 00:12:37,920 --> 00:12:44,080 Speaker 1: back and talk about and realize it was silly, and 175 00:12:44,120 --> 00:12:46,719 Speaker 1: we acknowledged we had lost time, years and years that 176 00:12:46,760 --> 00:12:50,680 Speaker 1: we could have been together over things that outside influences 177 00:12:50,760 --> 00:12:53,920 Speaker 1: like press articles that maybe we believe and they got 178 00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:57,160 Speaker 1: to us too much, or maybe inside influences other people 179 00:12:57,240 --> 00:13:01,560 Speaker 1: that we knew and worked with influenced either of us, 180 00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:04,920 Speaker 1: probably me because no one can influence her in a 181 00:13:04,960 --> 00:13:12,400 Speaker 1: way that shaped and misshaped and unhinged our friendship. But 182 00:13:12,600 --> 00:13:16,959 Speaker 1: ultimately we got that time to go back and say, 183 00:13:18,080 --> 00:13:21,560 Speaker 1: none of that matters. What matters is that core friendship 184 00:13:21,600 --> 00:13:23,960 Speaker 1: that we had and we were able to get back 185 00:13:23,960 --> 00:13:26,880 Speaker 1: to that. And I'll talk about that in a second, 186 00:13:26,920 --> 00:13:29,680 Speaker 1: but I want to be mindful to go back before 187 00:13:29,679 --> 00:13:33,320 Speaker 1: it gets too far away. That it was really hard 188 00:13:33,360 --> 00:13:35,720 Speaker 1: for me to put that first post up on Instagram, 189 00:13:36,440 --> 00:13:39,880 Speaker 1: and I talked to a friend who said, she said, 190 00:13:39,880 --> 00:13:42,840 Speaker 1: do it in your own time. Grief is right for 191 00:13:42,960 --> 00:13:45,000 Speaker 1: what's right for you, and you handle it your way. 192 00:13:45,040 --> 00:13:48,240 Speaker 1: No one expects anything, and I wish that were true. 193 00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:51,720 Speaker 1: I did watch on social media, you know, because I 194 00:13:51,760 --> 00:13:55,880 Speaker 1: did take a day before I posted, because I just 195 00:13:56,120 --> 00:13:59,280 Speaker 1: my thoughts were everywhere and I wanted it to be right, 196 00:13:59,600 --> 00:14:01,800 Speaker 1: and I I didn't want to rush it up to 197 00:14:01,840 --> 00:14:04,320 Speaker 1: be like, oh see, look how much I love Shannon. 198 00:14:04,360 --> 00:14:06,640 Speaker 1: I have a post up immediately a picture of us 199 00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:11,120 Speaker 1: that was not what I wanted. And I did take 200 00:14:11,160 --> 00:14:14,600 Speaker 1: a day, and during that day I did see comments like, 201 00:14:15,160 --> 00:14:18,240 Speaker 1: oh I thought Tory and Shannon were friends. Tory hasn't posted, 202 00:14:18,360 --> 00:14:21,760 Speaker 1: oh only maybe they weren't friends. And I had to 203 00:14:21,800 --> 00:14:24,280 Speaker 1: be like, okay, that's just outside noise, let it go, 204 00:14:24,600 --> 00:14:30,120 Speaker 1: let it go. It see did in though, So I 205 00:14:30,200 --> 00:14:34,000 Speaker 1: was really happy I did take that day and didn't 206 00:14:34,160 --> 00:14:41,320 Speaker 1: react because the post I put up. I actually think 207 00:14:41,360 --> 00:14:43,880 Speaker 1: Shan would have been really proud of the post I 208 00:14:43,920 --> 00:14:46,960 Speaker 1: put up. I would have called out a few more 209 00:14:47,000 --> 00:14:49,680 Speaker 1: things if I really wanted to please her. Who knows, 210 00:14:49,720 --> 00:14:54,640 Speaker 1: maybe I will do in time. But it was very 211 00:14:54,680 --> 00:14:58,440 Speaker 1: authentically me, which is all she told me to ever be. 212 00:15:07,800 --> 00:15:13,400 Speaker 1: I just want to be mindful that for years, you know, 213 00:15:13,480 --> 00:15:16,640 Speaker 1: I think Shannon, I think we all have said this 214 00:15:16,720 --> 00:15:20,760 Speaker 1: and seen these quotes that Shannon was misunderstood. I always 215 00:15:20,760 --> 00:15:24,280 Speaker 1: hate these PC things. The press who were never PC 216 00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:29,840 Speaker 1: tend to put out PC words when it's like now 217 00:15:29,840 --> 00:15:34,800 Speaker 1: they're choosing to be semi kind, you know, or whether 218 00:15:35,120 --> 00:15:37,920 Speaker 1: it's others that are saying, oh, she was just misunderstood. 219 00:15:38,760 --> 00:15:42,280 Speaker 1: There was miscommunication. If I had to look back at it, 220 00:15:43,280 --> 00:15:46,960 Speaker 1: I don't think Shannon ever was misunderstood. I don't think so. 221 00:15:47,680 --> 00:15:52,400 Speaker 1: I think at the time she was a young girl, 222 00:15:52,600 --> 00:15:58,040 Speaker 1: she was seventeen, who grew up in the business. She 223 00:15:58,680 --> 00:16:02,120 Speaker 1: grew up, she grew up with men, she grew up 224 00:16:02,160 --> 00:16:05,200 Speaker 1: with older men. I mean she was on Little House 225 00:16:05,240 --> 00:16:08,440 Speaker 1: in the Prairie. She you know, Michael Landon was like 226 00:16:08,480 --> 00:16:13,440 Speaker 1: her father, you know, Wilford Brumley with the star of 227 00:16:13,480 --> 00:16:16,600 Speaker 1: her other show. Like it was these iconic, legendary old 228 00:16:16,720 --> 00:16:22,120 Speaker 1: school men and here was this young girl, this spitfire, 229 00:16:22,360 --> 00:16:26,800 Speaker 1: you know, smart, smart as they come, Like Shannon didn't 230 00:16:26,800 --> 00:16:29,760 Speaker 1: miss a beat, even when she didn't feel well, even 231 00:16:29,800 --> 00:16:34,240 Speaker 1: when she was sick, she never missed a beat. You 232 00:16:34,280 --> 00:16:37,360 Speaker 1: could be talking about something and you could turn and 233 00:16:38,760 --> 00:16:42,360 Speaker 1: you could say, oh, you think you made a good joke, 234 00:16:42,440 --> 00:16:44,240 Speaker 1: or you think you brought it all back around, and 235 00:16:44,280 --> 00:16:46,320 Speaker 1: you say, oh, you didn't hear me, and she goes, 236 00:16:46,360 --> 00:16:48,800 Speaker 1: what when you said that? She heard everything while listening 237 00:16:48,840 --> 00:16:52,120 Speaker 1: to three other people, and she just didn't comment on it. 238 00:16:52,280 --> 00:16:55,840 Speaker 1: And I always said, oh, okay, noted she heard me. Eh, 239 00:16:55,880 --> 00:16:57,480 Speaker 1: it wasn't a great one. It wasn't a great joke 240 00:16:57,520 --> 00:17:01,680 Speaker 1: I made cool, but she heard me. And so she 241 00:17:01,880 --> 00:17:04,240 Speaker 1: came up in a time where she felt like she 242 00:17:04,359 --> 00:17:07,760 Speaker 1: had to be strong to be heard, which is unfortunate, 243 00:17:08,680 --> 00:17:12,920 Speaker 1: but it laid the way for other generations who now 244 00:17:13,040 --> 00:17:17,280 Speaker 1: can happily step into that role. And instead of looking 245 00:17:17,320 --> 00:17:21,119 Speaker 1: back at a time when people said, oh, you know 246 00:17:21,200 --> 00:17:23,600 Speaker 1: and she would say this, you know, people thought I 247 00:17:23,800 --> 00:17:26,600 Speaker 1: was maybe they thought I was a bitch, they thought, 248 00:17:26,760 --> 00:17:31,480 Speaker 1: you know, and she wasn't. I can tell you right now. 249 00:17:31,800 --> 00:17:36,399 Speaker 1: She was strong and she would tell you right to 250 00:17:36,440 --> 00:17:40,439 Speaker 1: your face if she didn't believe in something. And so 251 00:17:41,680 --> 00:17:45,760 Speaker 1: in the nineties, you know, maybe that was here's other 252 00:17:45,800 --> 00:17:49,200 Speaker 1: girls who were hiding behind there. You know, we're cute, 253 00:17:49,240 --> 00:17:52,640 Speaker 1: we're giggly. I hate to admit it, I was one 254 00:17:52,640 --> 00:17:56,119 Speaker 1: of them, like please, thank you, am I okay or 255 00:17:56,240 --> 00:18:00,040 Speaker 1: whatever you want? And you know she was always the 256 00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:02,720 Speaker 1: one behind me. No, no, not whatever you want. You 257 00:18:02,800 --> 00:18:04,879 Speaker 1: know what you want, say what you want, not what 258 00:18:04,920 --> 00:18:09,120 Speaker 1: they want. And I just wish I had learned sooner. 259 00:18:09,280 --> 00:18:12,720 Speaker 1: I think a lot of us as screw a lot 260 00:18:12,720 --> 00:18:16,080 Speaker 1: of us me. I'm gonna talk about me. I spent 261 00:18:16,400 --> 00:18:23,239 Speaker 1: so many years feeling like I was conditioned to be 262 00:18:23,320 --> 00:18:26,960 Speaker 1: a well behaved girl who is seen and not heard. 263 00:18:27,600 --> 00:18:32,960 Speaker 1: And those are my feelings. But I also feel like 264 00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:37,879 Speaker 1: shandified that. I feel like Shan she was a rebel. 265 00:18:40,200 --> 00:18:44,399 Speaker 1: And obviously I'm not negain the fact that, and she 266 00:18:44,760 --> 00:18:49,119 Speaker 1: had acknowledged this in the past, that she could have 267 00:18:49,400 --> 00:18:54,560 Speaker 1: handled things better in certain circumstances, and she's addressed that. 268 00:18:55,119 --> 00:18:57,760 Speaker 1: But you know what the truth is, we were all young, 269 00:18:58,520 --> 00:19:02,320 Speaker 1: and what she gave to everyone on camera, that is 270 00:19:02,359 --> 00:19:07,399 Speaker 1: what lives on. And she never let anyone down on camera. 271 00:19:07,600 --> 00:19:11,320 Speaker 1: She always hit her mark. She always knew which camera angle, 272 00:19:11,840 --> 00:19:16,760 Speaker 1: she knew everything going on, and she would even be helpful, 273 00:19:16,920 --> 00:19:19,919 Speaker 1: and not in a buster ball type of way. I 274 00:19:19,920 --> 00:19:22,119 Speaker 1: would hear her talking with the crew, and crews always 275 00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:26,880 Speaker 1: loved Shannon Cruise. If it historically, if you go back 276 00:19:26,920 --> 00:19:30,119 Speaker 1: and there's people that had, you know, something to say 277 00:19:30,280 --> 00:19:38,120 Speaker 1: about Shan's strength. It was always actresses you know, or actors. 278 00:19:38,200 --> 00:19:43,800 Speaker 1: But I hate to separate actors actresses. But it was 279 00:19:43,840 --> 00:19:47,520 Speaker 1: a different time then. It wasn't crew members. Crew members 280 00:19:47,760 --> 00:19:50,360 Speaker 1: loved her. They loved working with her. They looked laughing 281 00:19:50,400 --> 00:19:53,480 Speaker 1: with her. I loved hearing Shan be like one of 282 00:19:53,480 --> 00:19:57,520 Speaker 1: the guys behind the scenes and she'd be out there laughing. 283 00:19:57,840 --> 00:20:00,240 Speaker 1: She'd be on the back parking lot, you know, when 284 00:20:00,240 --> 00:20:03,440 Speaker 1: we were like twenty, and she'd be like smoking cigarettes 285 00:20:03,480 --> 00:20:07,280 Speaker 1: with the crew guys and they'd be laughing these hearty laughs. 286 00:20:07,800 --> 00:20:10,280 Speaker 1: And I just remember looking her and there'd be these 287 00:20:10,400 --> 00:20:15,080 Speaker 1: big guys and there'd be little Shan in her little 288 00:20:15,200 --> 00:20:20,600 Speaker 1: black crop top and her tight like Levi's best but 289 00:20:20,800 --> 00:20:24,840 Speaker 1: ever and her boots, and she'd be smoking a marble 290 00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:29,359 Speaker 1: light and talking to them and just like the boldest laugh. 291 00:20:30,160 --> 00:20:34,040 Speaker 1: And I was like, that's cool. And I always would 292 00:20:34,080 --> 00:20:35,919 Speaker 1: look at her and be like, I want to be 293 00:20:36,119 --> 00:20:39,399 Speaker 1: that girl. I just didn't know how to feed that girl. 294 00:20:41,920 --> 00:20:44,480 Speaker 1: But the thing is, you know, Shan had to take 295 00:20:44,480 --> 00:20:46,960 Speaker 1: all that she had to take the ebbs and flows 296 00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:50,879 Speaker 1: of her career, dealing with a woman that was very strong, 297 00:20:50,920 --> 00:20:54,800 Speaker 1: a woman that fought injustice, a woman that said, hey, 298 00:20:54,960 --> 00:20:57,439 Speaker 1: if I don't think this is the right way to 299 00:20:57,480 --> 00:20:59,920 Speaker 1: do it. I'm not going to pease you, because ultimately 300 00:21:00,160 --> 00:21:03,840 Speaker 1: it's me they see on camera. It's not someone off 301 00:21:03,840 --> 00:21:06,200 Speaker 1: camera that told me, no, you can't do it that way. 302 00:21:06,520 --> 00:21:08,080 Speaker 1: You have to stand there, you have to do this. 303 00:21:09,240 --> 00:21:11,640 Speaker 1: She fought, and I think the art that she has 304 00:21:11,720 --> 00:21:15,159 Speaker 1: put out there that will be her legacy stands by that. 305 00:21:16,800 --> 00:21:19,879 Speaker 1: I don't think she ever looked at something that she 306 00:21:20,000 --> 00:21:23,880 Speaker 1: put out there and was disappointed by what she put 307 00:21:23,880 --> 00:21:26,760 Speaker 1: out there or felt bad about the means she took 308 00:21:26,840 --> 00:21:30,240 Speaker 1: to get it out there. And that speaks volumes to 309 00:21:30,280 --> 00:21:34,679 Speaker 1: someone that was so passionate about what she did and 310 00:21:34,840 --> 00:21:38,640 Speaker 1: passionate about her fans and giving them the right thing. 311 00:21:41,400 --> 00:21:46,919 Speaker 1: So yeah, I spent years kind of fighting that, and 312 00:21:46,960 --> 00:21:50,680 Speaker 1: when we were able as adults to come back and 313 00:21:52,040 --> 00:21:57,919 Speaker 1: reconnect and say I love you, where did this friendship 314 00:21:58,440 --> 00:22:04,000 Speaker 1: go wrong? And I know you guys saw the interviews 315 00:22:04,080 --> 00:22:08,399 Speaker 1: on my podcast and on Chance podcast of us, you know, 316 00:22:08,560 --> 00:22:12,480 Speaker 1: kind of figuring out where the relationship kind of fizzled 317 00:22:12,520 --> 00:22:15,119 Speaker 1: and why we didn't get it back and what was 318 00:22:15,200 --> 00:22:19,000 Speaker 1: keeping us from getting it back, and then ultimately we 319 00:22:19,119 --> 00:22:23,840 Speaker 1: just kind of let it go that day that day 320 00:22:23,840 --> 00:22:27,280 Speaker 1: and it wasn't that long ago. Really changed my life, 321 00:22:27,359 --> 00:22:32,800 Speaker 1: and it changed my life because for two reasons. One, 322 00:22:33,080 --> 00:22:35,480 Speaker 1: we've all had a lot of death in our lives, 323 00:22:35,560 --> 00:22:41,280 Speaker 1: I'm sure at this point, and I know I've had 324 00:22:41,320 --> 00:22:46,080 Speaker 1: a lot of untimely deaths that weren't expected, young deaths 325 00:22:46,080 --> 00:22:50,439 Speaker 1: of people that it's like, way too soon. And I 326 00:22:50,440 --> 00:22:53,159 Speaker 1: don't believe in regrets in life. That's one of my 327 00:22:53,160 --> 00:22:54,960 Speaker 1: big things. I don't even know why, I just I 328 00:22:55,160 --> 00:23:00,840 Speaker 1: just don't. But I always had the regret that I 329 00:23:00,960 --> 00:23:05,600 Speaker 1: never because I'm non confrontational. So if something's uncomfortable, I 330 00:23:05,600 --> 00:23:07,080 Speaker 1: will sit in it and I will give you a 331 00:23:07,119 --> 00:23:11,280 Speaker 1: million and one reasons why I can't do it. I 332 00:23:11,320 --> 00:23:13,880 Speaker 1: can't talk to that friend, I can't reach out. They 333 00:23:14,040 --> 00:23:16,560 Speaker 1: might not want to speak to me. And it's my 334 00:23:16,680 --> 00:23:21,360 Speaker 1: own fear and it's my own shit. And a lot 335 00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:24,400 Speaker 1: of people passed in my life that I didn't get 336 00:23:25,040 --> 00:23:28,960 Speaker 1: that one last conversation with that one last question or 337 00:23:29,000 --> 00:23:32,160 Speaker 1: that one last like you know what, we're here now. 338 00:23:32,640 --> 00:23:35,840 Speaker 1: I love you. Past doesn't matter, including my own dad, 339 00:23:36,160 --> 00:23:41,320 Speaker 1: like I didn't get that with my dad that I 340 00:23:41,359 --> 00:23:46,320 Speaker 1: wish I had. That's all. And with Shannon, while it 341 00:23:46,400 --> 00:23:53,439 Speaker 1: was so completely unexpected. I did get that time with 342 00:23:53,520 --> 00:23:56,960 Speaker 1: her where we were able to really dissect our friendship 343 00:23:57,000 --> 00:24:00,199 Speaker 1: and really and this isn't over the one podcast, This 344 00:24:00,240 --> 00:24:05,199 Speaker 1: Isn't over. You know that amazing private plane flight I 345 00:24:05,240 --> 00:24:10,880 Speaker 1: took back from the last convention with her and Chris 346 00:24:11,160 --> 00:24:15,800 Speaker 1: and Ruth, Anne and Drew and Christie. Oh, And that 347 00:24:16,040 --> 00:24:19,679 Speaker 1: was so special to me. I'll never forget it. And 348 00:24:19,720 --> 00:24:22,720 Speaker 1: it was just some other times we got. We got 349 00:24:22,760 --> 00:24:27,639 Speaker 1: a few times together, and it all ended with us 350 00:24:27,880 --> 00:24:33,399 Speaker 1: remembering at the heart why we became friends and why 351 00:24:33,600 --> 00:24:37,720 Speaker 1: that friendship was so strong, and why that friendship should 352 00:24:37,760 --> 00:24:49,280 Speaker 1: it continued. I know through talking to some of Shannon's 353 00:24:49,359 --> 00:24:53,480 Speaker 1: very close friends that while it was not unexpected when 354 00:24:53,480 --> 00:24:57,199 Speaker 1: she passed last two weeks, she knew there was a 355 00:24:57,240 --> 00:25:02,720 Speaker 1: time clock, and she lived the last year or so 356 00:25:03,560 --> 00:25:08,280 Speaker 1: with intent, and the choices she made were very intentional. 357 00:25:09,400 --> 00:25:14,320 Speaker 1: The people she talked to, the people she allowed in 358 00:25:15,200 --> 00:25:21,080 Speaker 1: it was intentional, and I'm grateful. I'm grateful I had that. Now, 359 00:25:21,080 --> 00:25:24,240 Speaker 1: at this point in the program, I'm going to take 360 00:25:24,280 --> 00:25:26,200 Speaker 1: Shan out of it, and I'm going to say the 361 00:25:26,240 --> 00:25:30,600 Speaker 1: effect on me, because you know, our loved ones, once 362 00:25:30,600 --> 00:25:35,200 Speaker 1: they're past, they've passed, they've you know, they've transitioned and 363 00:25:35,800 --> 00:25:40,280 Speaker 1: they're out of their bodies and they're above and it's 364 00:25:40,320 --> 00:25:43,120 Speaker 1: super crazy. We all have our little things. I'm sure 365 00:25:43,119 --> 00:25:45,199 Speaker 1: you all do this when a loved one passes. You're like, 366 00:25:45,240 --> 00:25:47,440 Speaker 1: give me a sign, a sign. I want to see something. 367 00:25:48,359 --> 00:25:52,480 Speaker 1: And someone always told me when I could never find 368 00:25:52,520 --> 00:25:55,040 Speaker 1: the signs of my dad, and I'd be like, I 369 00:25:55,160 --> 00:25:57,960 Speaker 1: just nothing, he never comes to me. And someone said, 370 00:25:57,960 --> 00:26:01,520 Speaker 1: look for a monarch butterfly. I was like, okay, So 371 00:26:01,560 --> 00:26:06,560 Speaker 1: I'd look, and you know, let's face it, there's butterflies everywhere. 372 00:26:07,000 --> 00:26:11,080 Speaker 1: So I'd always see a butterfly once here, nor there 373 00:26:11,160 --> 00:26:15,040 Speaker 1: or wherever, and I'd be like, you know, oh my gosh. 374 00:26:15,080 --> 00:26:17,160 Speaker 1: And I look over and I see ten other people 375 00:26:17,160 --> 00:26:19,480 Speaker 1: in the parking lot pointing, going oh, there's my mom, 376 00:26:19,560 --> 00:26:24,080 Speaker 1: there's my grandmother, there's and I was saying, no, fuck me, Well, Dad, 377 00:26:24,160 --> 00:26:27,320 Speaker 1: are you one of them? I don't know. But the 378 00:26:27,400 --> 00:26:32,080 Speaker 1: interesting thing is the day after Shan passed. And we 379 00:26:32,119 --> 00:26:35,639 Speaker 1: all know Shannon was a huge animal lover. I always 380 00:26:35,680 --> 00:26:37,600 Speaker 1: say she saw the truth in humans and had no 381 00:26:37,680 --> 00:26:44,040 Speaker 1: tolerance for it. But she unconditionally loved animals and children. 382 00:26:45,359 --> 00:26:49,760 Speaker 1: She really did. Oh in fashion and good food, best 383 00:26:49,800 --> 00:26:56,119 Speaker 1: taste in wine, but she yeah, anyway, my dog Manty. 384 00:26:57,200 --> 00:27:01,320 Speaker 1: We have a da that leads out in big beautiful 385 00:27:01,400 --> 00:27:04,880 Speaker 1: View where we live and Monty. The day she passed, 386 00:27:05,440 --> 00:27:06,920 Speaker 1: I went out there and he was just I think 387 00:27:06,920 --> 00:27:09,359 Speaker 1: I posted something on Instagram and say what it was. 388 00:27:09,480 --> 00:27:13,520 Speaker 1: I want people to think I was weird. But he 389 00:27:13,560 --> 00:27:15,600 Speaker 1: looked out there and he was crying, and he kept 390 00:27:15,600 --> 00:27:17,360 Speaker 1: looking at and I kept saying, what are you looking for? 391 00:27:17,440 --> 00:27:19,520 Speaker 1: What are you looking for? And then I think, when 392 00:27:19,560 --> 00:27:23,600 Speaker 1: you're going through grief, it's natural human instinct to be like, 393 00:27:24,840 --> 00:27:26,600 Speaker 1: is that my friend? Is that my loved one? Do 394 00:27:26,640 --> 00:27:28,840 Speaker 1: you hear them? You know? Is we want a connection? 395 00:27:28,960 --> 00:27:32,960 Speaker 1: We want to we want something that's not about that, 396 00:27:33,160 --> 00:27:36,320 Speaker 1: that's about us, you know, that's our need to hold 397 00:27:36,400 --> 00:27:40,240 Speaker 1: on to control what we think has been lost forever. 398 00:27:41,040 --> 00:27:43,320 Speaker 1: He continued to do that for a week though. But 399 00:27:43,480 --> 00:27:47,760 Speaker 1: more than that, I've never seen somebody more our butterflies 400 00:27:47,800 --> 00:27:52,960 Speaker 1: in my backyard than I have, so either my dad, 401 00:27:53,040 --> 00:27:57,040 Speaker 1: you know, it would have been gosh, eighteen years later, 402 00:27:57,160 --> 00:27:59,879 Speaker 1: it's like, hey, I'm here, I'm here. I don't know 403 00:28:00,760 --> 00:28:04,159 Speaker 1: Shan She had of like monarch butterflies. I don't know, 404 00:28:05,320 --> 00:28:10,720 Speaker 1: it would definitely be like a bull black, like like 405 00:28:10,800 --> 00:28:16,320 Speaker 1: those beautiful what were those beetles? When the light hits them, 406 00:28:16,359 --> 00:28:19,960 Speaker 1: they get not a metallic look, but like a holographic 407 00:28:20,880 --> 00:28:25,000 Speaker 1: kind of like the scaab beetles, which I feel like. 408 00:28:26,440 --> 00:28:28,240 Speaker 1: I'm not a history girl, so I'm sure I'm gonna 409 00:28:28,280 --> 00:28:31,760 Speaker 1: get this wrong. And uh, well, you wouldn't expect me 410 00:28:31,840 --> 00:28:35,280 Speaker 1: to know this, so don't worry. But scabs were always 411 00:28:35,320 --> 00:28:39,640 Speaker 1: a sign like jewelry, and Shannon, I love jewelry. The 412 00:28:39,920 --> 00:28:46,400 Speaker 1: scabs were thought to be a very significant sorry i'm 413 00:28:46,400 --> 00:28:50,160 Speaker 1: looking it ran the gypsum's thought. The behavior of the 414 00:28:50,200 --> 00:28:53,800 Speaker 1: scareb represented the sun's journey and the eternal cycle of life, 415 00:28:54,240 --> 00:28:59,640 Speaker 1: making the scab a symbol of rebirth and regeneration. And 416 00:29:00,160 --> 00:29:01,840 Speaker 1: I'm talking about a scab. I'm not even sure where 417 00:29:01,840 --> 00:29:03,680 Speaker 1: that came from. So I usually have to trust my 418 00:29:03,720 --> 00:29:05,760 Speaker 1: gut instinct and when things come out, they're meant to be. 419 00:29:07,880 --> 00:29:11,960 Speaker 1: So yeah, And I always used to like look for 420 00:29:12,040 --> 00:29:15,160 Speaker 1: like antiquejewelry. We used to, shann, I used to jewelry 421 00:29:15,200 --> 00:29:19,400 Speaker 1: like antiquing on like Melrose and and do things and 422 00:29:21,840 --> 00:29:26,280 Speaker 1: oh my gosh, we used to do like thrifting before, 423 00:29:26,320 --> 00:29:28,560 Speaker 1: like the kids call it thrifting now, like we did 424 00:29:28,560 --> 00:29:30,520 Speaker 1: it in the nineties. Before it was like even in 425 00:29:32,720 --> 00:29:36,719 Speaker 1: and yeah, scareb like jewelry was very like cool and 426 00:29:36,800 --> 00:29:43,240 Speaker 1: empowering and anyway, so I'm gonna say, I'm gonna look 427 00:29:43,240 --> 00:29:46,360 Speaker 1: for a scare maybe they don't even really exist. I'm 428 00:29:46,400 --> 00:29:51,120 Speaker 1: gonna look for a beetle. I don't know, but but 429 00:29:51,400 --> 00:29:56,920 Speaker 1: what I what I have been trying to put into effect. 430 00:29:57,040 --> 00:30:01,000 Speaker 1: And I feel like where this is the first step, 431 00:30:01,280 --> 00:30:04,720 Speaker 1: execution is the second. So I have not executed this completely. 432 00:30:05,680 --> 00:30:08,400 Speaker 1: But for so long Sheeann would tell me, you have 433 00:30:08,480 --> 00:30:10,920 Speaker 1: to take your power back, take your power back. And 434 00:30:11,320 --> 00:30:15,800 Speaker 1: she always was saying, you're your father's daughter. There's no mistake, 435 00:30:16,280 --> 00:30:20,600 Speaker 1: there's no mistake. You need to come into that and 436 00:30:20,640 --> 00:30:22,520 Speaker 1: you need to own it, and you need to stop 437 00:30:22,560 --> 00:30:28,160 Speaker 1: apologizing for it. You have spent your entire life apologizing 438 00:30:29,200 --> 00:30:33,440 Speaker 1: for being you. And I was like yeah, and she 439 00:30:33,480 --> 00:30:39,120 Speaker 1: would say, like you hear that sounds you're apologizing for you. 440 00:30:39,840 --> 00:30:44,040 Speaker 1: Why why own it? Own it? Your dad would tell 441 00:30:44,040 --> 00:30:48,120 Speaker 1: you that. I'm telling you that, And she did ask me, 442 00:30:48,360 --> 00:30:51,640 Speaker 1: what are you scared of? What you're so scared of 443 00:30:51,720 --> 00:30:57,520 Speaker 1: about owning this immense power that you could have. And 444 00:30:58,040 --> 00:31:02,840 Speaker 1: when I really had to think about it, I thought, well, 445 00:31:02,840 --> 00:31:04,920 Speaker 1: it's going to make a lot of people very uncomfortable. 446 00:31:06,000 --> 00:31:09,440 Speaker 1: And then I thought about it, Wow, just like your 447 00:31:09,480 --> 00:31:11,880 Speaker 1: power back in the day made a lot of people 448 00:31:12,040 --> 00:31:18,120 Speaker 1: very uncomfortable. But you move forward with it. And she's like, yes, 449 00:31:19,160 --> 00:31:21,000 Speaker 1: so what happens if you move forward with your power? 450 00:31:21,840 --> 00:31:24,280 Speaker 1: And you know me, I bring everything back to jokes 451 00:31:24,320 --> 00:31:27,400 Speaker 1: and I'm like, well, everyone's fucked then, because then I'm 452 00:31:27,400 --> 00:31:31,240 Speaker 1: going to take over. And she just I know, we 453 00:31:31,280 --> 00:31:33,200 Speaker 1: talked about some of this on our podcasts. You probably 454 00:31:33,200 --> 00:31:36,560 Speaker 1: couldn't see her smile. It was the biggest smile I 455 00:31:36,560 --> 00:31:38,840 Speaker 1: think yet that I had seen since she was seventeen. 456 00:31:39,640 --> 00:31:42,280 Speaker 1: And she just nodded at me and she said, exactly, 457 00:31:44,320 --> 00:31:50,720 Speaker 1: So I put it out there. Here's a quote she 458 00:31:50,760 --> 00:31:53,280 Speaker 1: hadna didn't give me, but someone I care very much 459 00:31:53,280 --> 00:31:58,360 Speaker 1: about gave me this quote. And here's the quote. In 460 00:31:58,360 --> 00:32:05,160 Speaker 1: a society the profits from your self doubt, Liking yourself 461 00:32:05,520 --> 00:32:13,240 Speaker 1: is a rebellious act, and that stuck with me. Sure 462 00:32:13,760 --> 00:32:17,920 Speaker 1: everyone wants everyone to be in a mold so it's 463 00:32:17,920 --> 00:32:21,200 Speaker 1: easier to control so and I think the people that 464 00:32:21,280 --> 00:32:24,960 Speaker 1: are so anxious about you being you, and maybe it's like, WHOA, 465 00:32:25,120 --> 00:32:30,440 Speaker 1: We're not ready for that. You know too much? You know, well, 466 00:32:30,480 --> 00:32:33,360 Speaker 1: they're trying to put you into a box because they 467 00:32:33,480 --> 00:32:38,640 Speaker 1: don't feel like going out of their comfort zone. So 468 00:32:39,600 --> 00:32:44,560 Speaker 1: I guess, I guess what I'm saying is I made 469 00:32:44,560 --> 00:32:49,600 Speaker 1: a promise too, not only this person I care about, 470 00:32:49,640 --> 00:32:54,240 Speaker 1: but also Shannon when she passed, that I would stay 471 00:32:54,320 --> 00:33:01,520 Speaker 1: rebellious for her and not just for her. I'll stay 472 00:33:01,560 --> 00:33:06,760 Speaker 1: rebellious for me. And that allows me to know I'm 473 00:33:06,920 --> 00:33:12,760 Speaker 1: right on the right path, like I'm you know, I 474 00:33:13,120 --> 00:33:15,960 Speaker 1: feel like as long as I am true to myself, 475 00:33:17,000 --> 00:33:19,560 Speaker 1: then I have to really block out what other people 476 00:33:19,680 --> 00:33:24,520 Speaker 1: say because they're gonna say it anyway, whether I put 477 00:33:24,520 --> 00:33:29,440 Speaker 1: on a mask and I'm perfect and I'm cookie cutter 478 00:33:29,800 --> 00:33:33,120 Speaker 1: and I'm the quote unquote good girl I'm supposed to be. 479 00:33:33,480 --> 00:33:36,040 Speaker 1: I dress how they want me to dress, I speak 480 00:33:36,080 --> 00:33:40,040 Speaker 1: how they want me to speak. I say enough, but 481 00:33:40,120 --> 00:33:45,520 Speaker 1: not too much. I you know, don't say crazy things. 482 00:33:45,680 --> 00:33:50,959 Speaker 1: I don't say inappropriate things to fine inappropriate. You know, 483 00:33:51,320 --> 00:33:54,600 Speaker 1: I don't talk too dirty quote unquote. You know, I'm 484 00:33:54,800 --> 00:34:00,520 Speaker 1: I'm a lady. There's so many, so many fuckings rules. 485 00:34:01,240 --> 00:34:06,160 Speaker 1: But who made these rules? And there are rules to 486 00:34:06,440 --> 00:34:09,759 Speaker 1: either go okay, thank you, great that works for someone else, 487 00:34:09,840 --> 00:34:11,440 Speaker 1: or thank you, I'll take a little piece of that, 488 00:34:12,320 --> 00:34:15,719 Speaker 1: or to say fuck the rules. So that's my thing. 489 00:34:15,880 --> 00:34:18,839 Speaker 1: I go back between like I'm gonna say like it 490 00:34:18,880 --> 00:34:20,680 Speaker 1: is and like, oh I'm sorry, was that okay? Is 491 00:34:20,719 --> 00:34:22,160 Speaker 1: that too much? Or you happy with me? Or you 492 00:34:22,280 --> 00:34:26,400 Speaker 1: mad at me? So I'm just gonna take those little 493 00:34:26,400 --> 00:34:30,440 Speaker 1: things away. It's like unsnapping, like my little extensions and 494 00:34:30,480 --> 00:34:34,400 Speaker 1: throwing them away. Yeah, I'm going to get rid of 495 00:34:34,440 --> 00:34:38,359 Speaker 1: all the things that don't behoove me anymore. It's going 496 00:34:38,400 --> 00:34:44,319 Speaker 1: to take time. I'm in progress, but yeah, I just 497 00:34:44,640 --> 00:34:48,800 Speaker 1: want to thank Shan for being that beacon in my life. 498 00:34:50,080 --> 00:34:54,040 Speaker 1: I have promise to carry the torch. So like switch on,