1 00:00:00,240 --> 00:00:04,080 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to 2 00:00:04,160 --> 00:00:08,080 Speaker 1: the podcast, new listeners, old listeners. Wherever you are in 3 00:00:08,080 --> 00:00:10,080 Speaker 1: the world, it is so great to have you here, 4 00:00:10,680 --> 00:00:14,120 Speaker 1: back for another episode as we, of course break down 5 00:00:14,320 --> 00:00:18,799 Speaker 1: the psychology of our twenties. Today, we are talking about 6 00:00:18,840 --> 00:00:24,040 Speaker 1: an episode that was requested by so many of you 7 00:00:24,200 --> 00:00:27,080 Speaker 1: after an episode I did maybe a year ago even 8 00:00:27,520 --> 00:00:31,800 Speaker 1: on how to have better conversations, And in that episode 9 00:00:31,920 --> 00:00:35,760 Speaker 1: I alluded to this idea of different kind of communication types, 10 00:00:36,159 --> 00:00:40,519 Speaker 1: one of them being an assertive communicator. And so in 11 00:00:40,560 --> 00:00:43,280 Speaker 1: this episode, I want to circle back onto that. I 12 00:00:43,320 --> 00:00:46,159 Speaker 1: want to circle back to this idea and talk about 13 00:00:46,600 --> 00:00:48,680 Speaker 1: how you can be an a setive communicator. How can 14 00:00:48,840 --> 00:00:52,519 Speaker 1: someone become someone who is confident in what they have 15 00:00:52,720 --> 00:00:56,560 Speaker 1: and confident in what they're saying using some pretty amazing 16 00:00:56,640 --> 00:01:02,920 Speaker 1: principles of psychology. So many of you have asked when 17 00:01:03,040 --> 00:01:06,280 Speaker 1: is this episode coming? And I honestly kept putting it 18 00:01:06,280 --> 00:01:09,440 Speaker 1: on the back burner and like delaying it for whatever reason. 19 00:01:09,640 --> 00:01:11,760 Speaker 1: But this week, I don't know what it was, it 20 00:01:11,800 --> 00:01:15,000 Speaker 1: really felt like the week to finally break it down. 21 00:01:15,120 --> 00:01:19,400 Speaker 1: So today we're going to go through my five tips 22 00:01:19,880 --> 00:01:23,480 Speaker 1: to be in assertive communicator, but also just a convincing, 23 00:01:24,080 --> 00:01:29,280 Speaker 1: persuasive communicator in general. It's so interesting to me because 24 00:01:30,000 --> 00:01:35,240 Speaker 1: we are never really taught how to be persuasive or 25 00:01:35,240 --> 00:01:37,240 Speaker 1: how to ask for what we want in a way 26 00:01:37,280 --> 00:01:40,600 Speaker 1: that will actually get us what we want but also 27 00:01:40,760 --> 00:01:46,039 Speaker 1: not frustrate people or make someone angry or upset. Sure, 28 00:01:46,080 --> 00:01:48,840 Speaker 1: you know, maybe we did public speaking in high school. 29 00:01:48,840 --> 00:01:51,360 Speaker 1: Maybe you did like debating and you had to get 30 00:01:51,440 --> 00:01:54,200 Speaker 1: up and give a speech. But from my memory, when 31 00:01:54,240 --> 00:01:56,920 Speaker 1: I did those things, you would kind of get up 32 00:01:57,000 --> 00:01:59,160 Speaker 1: and do it, and then they would grade you on 33 00:01:59,240 --> 00:02:02,400 Speaker 1: the skills you already had, without really giving you an 34 00:02:02,400 --> 00:02:07,280 Speaker 1: opportunity to improve. Like I cannot actually remember anyone giving 35 00:02:07,320 --> 00:02:11,000 Speaker 1: me legitimate tips or a course. It was just being 36 00:02:11,120 --> 00:02:14,079 Speaker 1: judged on like your pre existing ability, and that pre 37 00:02:14,160 --> 00:02:18,960 Speaker 1: existing ability. How we communicate is largely formed by our parents, 38 00:02:18,960 --> 00:02:23,560 Speaker 1: how they communicated, what their professions were, your innate confidence level. 39 00:02:23,960 --> 00:02:28,160 Speaker 1: But being an assertive communicator, it can be taught. It 40 00:02:28,240 --> 00:02:31,720 Speaker 1: is not just for people who are inherently self assured. 41 00:02:32,400 --> 00:02:35,640 Speaker 1: It's also not just for extroverts either. It's for people 42 00:02:36,120 --> 00:02:38,880 Speaker 1: who are introverts. It's for people who are shy. It's 43 00:02:38,880 --> 00:02:41,919 Speaker 1: for people who are people pleasers, and it's a really 44 00:02:42,040 --> 00:02:44,480 Speaker 1: valuable skill to have. I think it's one of those 45 00:02:44,480 --> 00:02:48,040 Speaker 1: skills that should probably be mandatory. Like I always think 46 00:02:48,080 --> 00:02:49,799 Speaker 1: that in high school we need to have like an 47 00:02:49,840 --> 00:02:53,360 Speaker 1: intro to life one oh one course, And in that course, 48 00:02:53,400 --> 00:02:55,760 Speaker 1: you know, you should learn about taxes, you should learn 49 00:02:55,800 --> 00:02:58,480 Speaker 1: about how to find a good mechanic, how to set boundaries, 50 00:02:58,560 --> 00:03:02,440 Speaker 1: financial literacy, and I think you should also learn how 51 00:03:02,440 --> 00:03:04,240 Speaker 1: to be in a sort of communicator. There is not 52 00:03:04,280 --> 00:03:07,320 Speaker 1: a single profession that does not require it. And recent 53 00:03:07,360 --> 00:03:10,200 Speaker 1: research that I was finding when I was investigating this 54 00:03:10,240 --> 00:03:13,600 Speaker 1: topic has also discovered that being an assert of communicator, 55 00:03:13,639 --> 00:03:16,120 Speaker 1: it doesn't just help relationships. It doesn't just help you 56 00:03:16,760 --> 00:03:21,240 Speaker 1: in your career obviously, it also makes you less stressed, 57 00:03:21,680 --> 00:03:25,320 Speaker 1: It reduces cortisol arousal, it makes you healthier, It makes 58 00:03:25,360 --> 00:03:28,520 Speaker 1: you healthier as an individual. So I'm going to give 59 00:03:28,560 --> 00:03:32,360 Speaker 1: you five scientifically founded and psychologically backtips to help you 60 00:03:32,440 --> 00:03:35,360 Speaker 1: not feel ashamed for asking for what you want, how 61 00:03:35,400 --> 00:03:38,520 Speaker 1: to make your preferences known, how to be someone who 62 00:03:38,560 --> 00:03:42,280 Speaker 1: others will listen to, and just so much more so, 63 00:03:42,880 --> 00:03:47,120 Speaker 1: without further ado, my lovely listeners, let's get into it. 64 00:03:52,640 --> 00:03:58,040 Speaker 1: Let's begin by just really articulating what an assertive communicator is, 65 00:03:58,320 --> 00:04:01,560 Speaker 1: because I have already alluded to the fact that it's 66 00:04:01,800 --> 00:04:07,280 Speaker 1: likely different to what you are currently imagining. So researchers 67 00:04:07,400 --> 00:04:11,960 Speaker 1: largely agree that there are four different communication styles when 68 00:04:12,000 --> 00:04:16,160 Speaker 1: it comes to tone and attitude. There is passive, there 69 00:04:16,240 --> 00:04:21,800 Speaker 1: is aggressive, there is passive aggressive, and there is assertive. Assertive. Sometimes, 70 00:04:21,800 --> 00:04:25,200 Speaker 1: in our minds can be confused with aggressive. We assume 71 00:04:25,240 --> 00:04:29,400 Speaker 1: that it might come off as domineering, demanding, selfish, loud, arrogant, 72 00:04:29,480 --> 00:04:32,640 Speaker 1: like I want this, I want it now. If I 73 00:04:32,680 --> 00:04:34,919 Speaker 1: don't get it, we will have issues. There is no compromise. 74 00:04:35,320 --> 00:04:38,440 Speaker 1: Assertive communication really means that you advocate for yourself. You 75 00:04:38,480 --> 00:04:42,000 Speaker 1: don't self silence, and you try and get your point 76 00:04:42,000 --> 00:04:46,560 Speaker 1: across honestly and with kindness but also self assurance. It 77 00:04:46,720 --> 00:04:49,840 Speaker 1: sounds like I'm going to invite you to see it. 78 00:04:49,880 --> 00:04:53,200 Speaker 1: From my perspective, it would help the team if you 79 00:04:53,279 --> 00:04:56,600 Speaker 1: did this, I would appreciate if you didn't do that. 80 00:04:56,880 --> 00:04:58,440 Speaker 1: I'm going to sit with this one. I'm going to 81 00:04:58,520 --> 00:05:02,200 Speaker 1: think about this because I'm not feeling it currently. There 82 00:05:02,279 --> 00:05:05,279 Speaker 1: is actually a lot of joy and a lot of 83 00:05:05,360 --> 00:05:08,320 Speaker 1: peace and being in a sert of communicator because I 84 00:05:08,360 --> 00:05:11,279 Speaker 1: think implicitly you understand that not everyone is going to 85 00:05:11,320 --> 00:05:14,280 Speaker 1: agree with you, not everyone is going to do what 86 00:05:14,320 --> 00:05:17,479 Speaker 1: you want them to do, but you have made your point, 87 00:05:18,160 --> 00:05:20,880 Speaker 1: you have communicated it, and that sits really well with you. 88 00:05:21,400 --> 00:05:24,599 Speaker 1: And a sort of communicator is often times actually the 89 00:05:24,640 --> 00:05:28,200 Speaker 1: most persuasive because they also don't use threats, they don't 90 00:05:28,279 --> 00:05:30,880 Speaker 1: use guilt, they don't use demands to get their point across. 91 00:05:30,880 --> 00:05:35,800 Speaker 1: They use inspiration, they use encouragement, they use personality. Another 92 00:05:35,920 --> 00:05:40,400 Speaker 1: defining point is that they often rely on nonverbal cues 93 00:05:40,440 --> 00:05:44,920 Speaker 1: that are very welcoming and which activate people's mirror neurons, 94 00:05:44,920 --> 00:05:47,200 Speaker 1: which we're going to speak about in just a second. 95 00:05:47,240 --> 00:05:52,320 Speaker 1: But the research has shown that this ability is really 96 00:05:52,360 --> 00:05:55,680 Speaker 1: what makes a sort of communicator so persuasive, and they 97 00:05:55,720 --> 00:05:58,680 Speaker 1: do things that people don't often think are persuasive. They 98 00:05:58,720 --> 00:06:04,000 Speaker 1: speak slower, who use more of their vocal range. Side note, 99 00:06:04,200 --> 00:06:06,680 Speaker 1: this was really this was quite an interesting piece of 100 00:06:06,720 --> 00:06:09,320 Speaker 1: research that I discovered when I was looking into this, 101 00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:13,359 Speaker 1: and it's that people with more empathy also tend to 102 00:06:13,520 --> 00:06:16,200 Speaker 1: use more of their vocal range. And a paper from 103 00:06:16,240 --> 00:06:21,200 Speaker 1: two thousand and nine actually found that diagnosed psychopaths actually 104 00:06:21,279 --> 00:06:24,880 Speaker 1: have a reduced vocal range, so their voice is more immovable. 105 00:06:24,880 --> 00:06:27,400 Speaker 1: It doesn't flow, it doesn't go up and down, so 106 00:06:27,440 --> 00:06:29,960 Speaker 1: they go a really interesting sign of both an assertive 107 00:06:29,960 --> 00:06:35,040 Speaker 1: and empathetic person but also communicator. They use their voice, 108 00:06:35,200 --> 00:06:38,560 Speaker 1: they use it almost like an instrument, something that flows 109 00:06:38,600 --> 00:06:42,839 Speaker 1: and surrounds people. And I really don't think that being 110 00:06:43,240 --> 00:06:45,840 Speaker 1: assertive and being empathetic is something that can be separated. 111 00:06:45,839 --> 00:06:49,160 Speaker 1: They actually go hand in hand. Let's talk about the 112 00:06:49,240 --> 00:06:54,400 Speaker 1: other three types of communicators. Aggressive communicators they are forceful, 113 00:06:55,120 --> 00:06:59,160 Speaker 1: They are immovable, They interrupt, they yell, they use threats, 114 00:06:59,440 --> 00:07:02,880 Speaker 1: they find hard to be silent. They also use less 115 00:07:02,920 --> 00:07:07,240 Speaker 1: eye contact. Passive communicators are often very indirect and submissive. 116 00:07:07,839 --> 00:07:10,720 Speaker 1: They really just avoid expressing their needs and they downplay 117 00:07:10,760 --> 00:07:14,480 Speaker 1: their feelings and they avoid conflict. It's also highly associated 118 00:07:14,480 --> 00:07:17,720 Speaker 1: with people who are conflict averse or who are chronic 119 00:07:17,720 --> 00:07:21,320 Speaker 1: people pleasers, chronic apologizers as well, which we actually have 120 00:07:21,360 --> 00:07:25,840 Speaker 1: an episode about coming up very very soon. And finally, 121 00:07:26,320 --> 00:07:31,480 Speaker 1: passive aggressive communicators. This is the least successful communicator, and 122 00:07:31,560 --> 00:07:34,760 Speaker 1: that's because it combines the worst aspects of the two 123 00:07:34,840 --> 00:07:39,680 Speaker 1: previous communication stars. They are often hostile, they are indirect, 124 00:07:40,040 --> 00:07:45,880 Speaker 1: they don't say what they mean. They rely heavily on silence, 125 00:07:46,480 --> 00:07:51,240 Speaker 1: the silent treatment, and also guilt to support their unrealistic demands. 126 00:07:51,480 --> 00:07:53,880 Speaker 1: So those are the four communication styles. And we often 127 00:07:54,120 --> 00:07:58,560 Speaker 1: begin to develop our communication style not through an intentional effort, 128 00:07:58,960 --> 00:08:04,280 Speaker 1: but through outside influence. So family culture early experiences our environment, 129 00:08:04,840 --> 00:08:06,960 Speaker 1: which is actually a good thing. I know it sounds like, oh, 130 00:08:07,000 --> 00:08:09,360 Speaker 1: none of this is within my control, but it also 131 00:08:09,440 --> 00:08:12,040 Speaker 1: means that a lot of it is environmental, so it 132 00:08:12,080 --> 00:08:16,560 Speaker 1: can be changed. So without further ado, let's talk about 133 00:08:16,920 --> 00:08:19,600 Speaker 1: how we can change them. Let's talk about those five 134 00:08:19,640 --> 00:08:23,040 Speaker 1: tips I spoke about before. So my first tip for 135 00:08:23,120 --> 00:08:27,360 Speaker 1: becoming an assertive communicator. Tip one is that assert of 136 00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:32,400 Speaker 1: communicators know how to value silence more than their words. 137 00:08:32,480 --> 00:08:34,920 Speaker 1: And it doesn't mean they use the silent treatment. It 138 00:08:34,960 --> 00:08:39,480 Speaker 1: means they appreciate the pause. Pausing in a conversation actually 139 00:08:39,520 --> 00:08:42,199 Speaker 1: brings you back into control. Now. I don't think that 140 00:08:42,280 --> 00:08:47,080 Speaker 1: conversations are necessarily like a battle field for being in 141 00:08:47,200 --> 00:08:51,319 Speaker 1: charge and it's like this huge conflict. But a pause 142 00:08:51,400 --> 00:08:54,200 Speaker 1: I think brings you back into control over yourself, which 143 00:08:54,240 --> 00:08:57,760 Speaker 1: is what's really essential here. Have you ever, I don't know, 144 00:08:57,800 --> 00:08:59,680 Speaker 1: have you ever had that experience of being in a 145 00:08:59,679 --> 00:09:03,920 Speaker 1: really important conversation with someone and you find you just 146 00:09:03,920 --> 00:09:06,720 Speaker 1: can't stop talking, like words are just spilling out of 147 00:09:06,760 --> 00:09:09,440 Speaker 1: your mouth before you can even think of them, like 148 00:09:09,480 --> 00:09:13,680 Speaker 1: there is no there's nothing between your brain and the 149 00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:17,400 Speaker 1: words coming out of your mouth. I remember doing this 150 00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:20,800 Speaker 1: really important interview when I was twenty, and as soon 151 00:09:20,880 --> 00:09:23,000 Speaker 1: as one of the interviewers asked me a question, like, 152 00:09:23,080 --> 00:09:25,160 Speaker 1: I just said the first thing that I was thinking, 153 00:09:25,880 --> 00:09:28,360 Speaker 1: and it normally wasn't the best thing. And I think 154 00:09:28,360 --> 00:09:30,839 Speaker 1: if I had just learnt the power of the two 155 00:09:30,960 --> 00:09:34,760 Speaker 1: second pause, it would have had two really important effects. 156 00:09:35,640 --> 00:09:37,880 Speaker 1: A it would have shown the interviewers that I was 157 00:09:37,920 --> 00:09:41,440 Speaker 1: actually considering their question a little bit, and B I 158 00:09:41,480 --> 00:09:43,679 Speaker 1: would have answered better. I think a lot of us 159 00:09:43,679 --> 00:09:47,160 Speaker 1: are nately very afraid of silence in a conversation, but 160 00:09:47,559 --> 00:09:49,680 Speaker 1: pausing really just ensures that you say what you mean. 161 00:09:50,080 --> 00:09:53,000 Speaker 1: And there's this other part of that as well. Pauses 162 00:09:53,120 --> 00:09:57,679 Speaker 1: silence that is where meaning takes hold. It is really 163 00:09:57,720 --> 00:10:00,920 Speaker 1: hard to know what someone really means or is saying 164 00:10:00,960 --> 00:10:04,640 Speaker 1: in a conversation if you are constantly talking and having 165 00:10:04,720 --> 00:10:07,840 Speaker 1: to make these assessments on the fly. This is why 166 00:10:07,920 --> 00:10:10,560 Speaker 1: I think we typically only fully realize what someone was 167 00:10:10,600 --> 00:10:14,040 Speaker 1: actually saying to us after a conversation is over, and 168 00:10:14,320 --> 00:10:17,160 Speaker 1: that sometimes that's really frustrating because suddenly like you have 169 00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:19,440 Speaker 1: all your best comebacks, like you think of all the 170 00:10:19,480 --> 00:10:22,520 Speaker 1: things that you wish you had said. Pauses are so 171 00:10:22,600 --> 00:10:25,040 Speaker 1: effective in that sense because you can really hear the 172 00:10:25,080 --> 00:10:28,560 Speaker 1: things that aren't being said. That's what silence does. And 173 00:10:28,640 --> 00:10:33,000 Speaker 1: it also says I'm comfortable with silence because I'm comfortable 174 00:10:33,040 --> 00:10:37,200 Speaker 1: with myself, which is a particularly powerful message that you 175 00:10:37,280 --> 00:10:40,200 Speaker 1: want to send if you're trying to be assertive and 176 00:10:40,240 --> 00:10:43,600 Speaker 1: you're trying to advocate for yourself. So here's how to 177 00:10:43,640 --> 00:10:49,559 Speaker 1: apply this practically. When you feel yourself getting very maybe 178 00:10:49,679 --> 00:10:52,480 Speaker 1: running away with your thoughts, or you're reaching dead ends, 179 00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:56,119 Speaker 1: or you feel like you're losing control of the conversation, 180 00:10:56,960 --> 00:11:01,600 Speaker 1: pause for three seconds before every center before you say anything, 181 00:11:02,360 --> 00:11:04,800 Speaker 1: or you can create a physical cue that you need 182 00:11:04,840 --> 00:11:07,760 Speaker 1: to do first before you speak. I was reading this 183 00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:10,360 Speaker 1: really amazing book recently. I cannot remember the name, but 184 00:11:10,800 --> 00:11:14,199 Speaker 1: the author talks about how she always nods her twice 185 00:11:14,640 --> 00:11:17,319 Speaker 1: before replying to someone, so someone will say something to 186 00:11:17,360 --> 00:11:21,480 Speaker 1: her and she'll go, then she'll reply because it positively 187 00:11:21,520 --> 00:11:25,079 Speaker 1: reinforces that she's listening, but it also allows her to 188 00:11:25,120 --> 00:11:28,920 Speaker 1: reassess her words. Assert of communicators, they know the power 189 00:11:28,960 --> 00:11:33,440 Speaker 1: of the pause. Tip number two, learn how to regulate 190 00:11:33,480 --> 00:11:36,840 Speaker 1: your body. It is just as important as what you 191 00:11:36,920 --> 00:11:42,680 Speaker 1: have to say. Your body language is language. It is 192 00:11:42,760 --> 00:11:46,000 Speaker 1: saying something. And if you feel like you're about to 193 00:11:46,280 --> 00:11:49,200 Speaker 1: burst out of your skin, or there is this hidden 194 00:11:49,240 --> 00:11:52,160 Speaker 1: tension that you can't control most of the time, that 195 00:11:52,200 --> 00:11:55,400 Speaker 1: will come across and it can make you seem aggressive 196 00:11:55,720 --> 00:11:59,400 Speaker 1: or anxious, which could be interpreted as passive, neither of 197 00:11:59,400 --> 00:12:03,360 Speaker 1: which we want. We're going to regulate that before you 198 00:12:03,400 --> 00:12:06,560 Speaker 1: go into a conversation or you go to do a 199 00:12:06,720 --> 00:12:09,680 Speaker 1: speech or whatever it is. I want you to do 200 00:12:09,880 --> 00:12:13,240 Speaker 1: this exercise with me that I personally use. This is 201 00:12:13,280 --> 00:12:18,080 Speaker 1: the exact exercise I do before every speech, every podcast recording, 202 00:12:18,520 --> 00:12:22,840 Speaker 1: every live show. It is an excellent way to regulate 203 00:12:22,880 --> 00:12:27,000 Speaker 1: your body. So you stand up, you let your arms 204 00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:31,480 Speaker 1: go completely slack, You let your shoulders fall as far 205 00:12:31,520 --> 00:12:33,160 Speaker 1: as they want to, as far as they can without 206 00:12:33,200 --> 00:12:36,199 Speaker 1: any effort. Then I want you to notice your eyebrows, 207 00:12:36,400 --> 00:12:41,920 Speaker 1: notice your forehead, release any tension, consciously, release the muscles, 208 00:12:41,920 --> 00:12:44,880 Speaker 1: around your mouth, around your eyes, just let them let 209 00:12:44,920 --> 00:12:47,360 Speaker 1: them go as well, and I want you to sway 210 00:12:47,720 --> 00:12:52,120 Speaker 1: gently from side to side, maybe hum to yourself. Keep 211 00:12:52,160 --> 00:12:57,120 Speaker 1: your eyes closed, roll your shoulders back, then forward, take 212 00:12:57,200 --> 00:13:01,880 Speaker 1: three deep breaths, and open your eyes. This exercise works 213 00:13:02,360 --> 00:13:06,400 Speaker 1: because of the principles of progressive relaxation. It makes you 214 00:13:06,400 --> 00:13:09,720 Speaker 1: feel more in touch with your body. It means that 215 00:13:09,760 --> 00:13:11,640 Speaker 1: you can regulate it. It means that you have a 216 00:13:11,679 --> 00:13:17,520 Speaker 1: baseline level of stability. But that ritual is also equally soothing, 217 00:13:17,720 --> 00:13:20,920 Speaker 1: so it gets you really in the headspace. So this 218 00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:24,880 Speaker 1: is the pre communication exercise. This is the before, but 219 00:13:24,920 --> 00:13:28,120 Speaker 1: when it comes to actually communicating and using your body 220 00:13:28,200 --> 00:13:31,880 Speaker 1: language in an effective way during a conversation, we really 221 00:13:31,880 --> 00:13:35,079 Speaker 1: need to talk about this expert. His name is David Phillips, 222 00:13:35,120 --> 00:13:39,760 Speaker 1: and he has spent literally years analyzing over five thousand 223 00:13:39,880 --> 00:13:43,520 Speaker 1: successful public speakers, and he has noticed that there is 224 00:13:43,559 --> 00:13:46,640 Speaker 1: a few things that they really do and which you 225 00:13:46,720 --> 00:13:48,880 Speaker 1: might not notice they're doing, but you are nonetheless being 226 00:13:48,920 --> 00:13:51,680 Speaker 1: influenced by. So the first thing they do is that 227 00:13:51,720 --> 00:13:54,600 Speaker 1: they stop themselves from hunching. They keep their shoulders back, 228 00:13:55,240 --> 00:13:58,880 Speaker 1: they open up their body. It invites people in they 229 00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:02,720 Speaker 1: raise their chin. We also lean towards whoever they're speaking to, 230 00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:06,440 Speaker 1: which actually gives the impression of confidence and feeling relaxed 231 00:14:06,440 --> 00:14:09,719 Speaker 1: as opposed to tension and leaning away. If you think 232 00:14:09,720 --> 00:14:12,400 Speaker 1: about it in nature, if you're turning away from someone, 233 00:14:13,040 --> 00:14:15,280 Speaker 1: if you're moving away from them, you feel threatened. If 234 00:14:15,320 --> 00:14:18,040 Speaker 1: you're leaning towards them, you feel safe, and that makes 235 00:14:18,080 --> 00:14:20,520 Speaker 1: someone else feel safe. Two other things that they do. 236 00:14:21,360 --> 00:14:24,440 Speaker 1: The first thing is that successful a sort of communicators 237 00:14:24,920 --> 00:14:28,280 Speaker 1: tilt their head. Imagine someone saying something to you that's 238 00:14:28,360 --> 00:14:31,320 Speaker 1: really really sad and really really awful, like I don't 239 00:14:31,360 --> 00:14:33,520 Speaker 1: know I have cancer, or my boyfriend just broke up 240 00:14:33,560 --> 00:14:38,000 Speaker 1: with me. You immediately go for the head tilt. Oh 241 00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:41,880 Speaker 1: I'm so sorry. Oh that's so awful, because for some reason, 242 00:14:41,960 --> 00:14:45,200 Speaker 1: it's an indicator of empathy. It's a silent way of 243 00:14:45,280 --> 00:14:48,400 Speaker 1: displaying like I'm thinking about you, I care about you now. 244 00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:51,160 Speaker 1: The final thing that a sort of communicators do that 245 00:14:51,320 --> 00:14:56,640 Speaker 1: David Phillips noticed was something called a Dushen smile. So 246 00:14:56,720 --> 00:15:00,440 Speaker 1: a Dusshn smile is a type of when you and 247 00:15:00,560 --> 00:15:04,760 Speaker 1: grin that moves somebody's entire face, not just their mouth. 248 00:15:05,200 --> 00:15:07,800 Speaker 1: So this kind of smile that was discovered, or I 249 00:15:07,800 --> 00:15:11,880 Speaker 1: should say it first named by a French neurologist called 250 00:15:12,040 --> 00:15:17,280 Speaker 1: Julia mu Dushen back in the mid nineteenth century, and 251 00:15:17,320 --> 00:15:20,480 Speaker 1: you basically realized just through interacting with people, there are 252 00:15:20,480 --> 00:15:23,960 Speaker 1: two kinds of smiles, the Duschen smile, the non Duchen smile. 253 00:15:24,480 --> 00:15:27,440 Speaker 1: One involves the use of all the muscles in your face, 254 00:15:27,840 --> 00:15:31,280 Speaker 1: in your forehead, around your eyes, around your mouth. The 255 00:15:31,360 --> 00:15:34,640 Speaker 1: other smile, the non Duschen smile, just uses your mouth. 256 00:15:35,040 --> 00:15:38,920 Speaker 1: It's a very inauthentic kind of smile, a very coy 257 00:15:39,040 --> 00:15:41,320 Speaker 1: kind of smile, if you think about the Mona Lisa 258 00:15:41,920 --> 00:15:45,240 Speaker 1: best example of a non Duchen smile. But what they've 259 00:15:45,360 --> 00:15:48,880 Speaker 1: found after the naming of this smile is that people 260 00:15:48,880 --> 00:15:53,920 Speaker 1: who present a Duchen smile it serves a really important function. 261 00:15:54,120 --> 00:15:57,720 Speaker 1: It makes you seem more friendly, it makes you more likable, 262 00:15:57,920 --> 00:16:00,040 Speaker 1: people are more likely to agree with you, and it 263 00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:03,800 Speaker 1: just makes you seem like a more assertive kind person. 264 00:16:04,560 --> 00:16:07,480 Speaker 1: The mood from this also really shifts, so you may 265 00:16:07,600 --> 00:16:10,840 Speaker 1: notice that once you perform a Duschen smile, the other 266 00:16:10,880 --> 00:16:13,320 Speaker 1: person smiles back at you. And this is the work 267 00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:15,800 Speaker 1: of what we call mirror neurons. So we talked about 268 00:16:15,800 --> 00:16:19,720 Speaker 1: this before. Mirror neurons. They're a specific kind of brain 269 00:16:20,120 --> 00:16:25,520 Speaker 1: cell that basically is essential for empathy. And what it 270 00:16:25,600 --> 00:16:28,800 Speaker 1: does is when someone else performs an action to you, 271 00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:34,880 Speaker 1: this part of your brain, these cells automatically firing and 272 00:16:34,960 --> 00:16:38,760 Speaker 1: it essentially wants to perform that action back to that person. 273 00:16:39,200 --> 00:16:43,440 Speaker 1: Someone smiles, you find yourself smiling. Someone looks disgusted, you 274 00:16:43,480 --> 00:16:48,240 Speaker 1: find yourself also looking disgusted. It's this kind of weird 275 00:16:48,840 --> 00:16:52,360 Speaker 1: neurological way that we feel connected and bonded to each 276 00:16:52,400 --> 00:16:57,920 Speaker 1: other through that exchange of behaviors. And so if you 277 00:16:58,000 --> 00:17:00,440 Speaker 1: want to really be assertive, and if you want to 278 00:17:00,480 --> 00:17:04,119 Speaker 1: be convincing, what you have to do is perform the 279 00:17:04,200 --> 00:17:07,000 Speaker 1: kind of body language that you think or you wish 280 00:17:07,080 --> 00:17:09,679 Speaker 1: someone was going to perform back to you. What's the 281 00:17:09,760 --> 00:17:13,520 Speaker 1: kind of environment, the physical environment that you want associated 282 00:17:13,520 --> 00:17:16,480 Speaker 1: with this conversation. The easiest way to create that is 283 00:17:16,520 --> 00:17:20,760 Speaker 1: to perform those behaviors first and kind of lead by example. 284 00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:24,320 Speaker 1: So this is your reminder your words really do matter, 285 00:17:25,080 --> 00:17:28,200 Speaker 1: but your body language, what your body is saying, might 286 00:17:28,280 --> 00:17:31,560 Speaker 1: just matter more. Okay, we are going to take a 287 00:17:31,600 --> 00:17:35,320 Speaker 1: short break, but when we return, I have three final 288 00:17:35,359 --> 00:17:43,160 Speaker 1: tips for you to stay with us. Okay, we're talking 289 00:17:43,200 --> 00:17:47,240 Speaker 1: about the five ways to transform yourself into an assertive communicator. 290 00:17:47,880 --> 00:17:52,600 Speaker 1: Tip number three, make it about you. If you want 291 00:17:53,040 --> 00:17:55,640 Speaker 1: something done or you want to convince someone of some 292 00:17:55,720 --> 00:17:59,480 Speaker 1: kind of point, it's actually not about them. This is 293 00:17:59,520 --> 00:18:02,520 Speaker 1: a conversation for you. This is your attempt to get 294 00:18:02,520 --> 00:18:06,120 Speaker 1: your point across. This is you communicating something that you value. 295 00:18:06,880 --> 00:18:08,760 Speaker 1: So the way that you can make it about you 296 00:18:09,520 --> 00:18:11,640 Speaker 1: is that, of course we can do things like use 297 00:18:11,680 --> 00:18:15,680 Speaker 1: I statements, I feel, I expected, I assumed, I saw. 298 00:18:16,520 --> 00:18:19,760 Speaker 1: We also want to switch from people pleasing to something 299 00:18:19,800 --> 00:18:24,919 Speaker 1: called self authorship. Self authorship is not demanding. It just 300 00:18:25,080 --> 00:18:30,560 Speaker 1: works to articulate our perspective, our self concept by essentially 301 00:18:30,680 --> 00:18:36,520 Speaker 1: using phrases that reflect our self definition. And it uses 302 00:18:36,560 --> 00:18:39,439 Speaker 1: these phrases as a way to say, hey, humanize me, 303 00:18:40,359 --> 00:18:43,520 Speaker 1: know that I'm my own person, know that I respect myself. 304 00:18:43,960 --> 00:18:46,399 Speaker 1: But I want to work with you on that. So 305 00:18:46,800 --> 00:18:51,280 Speaker 1: some of the statements that activate a self authorship perspective 306 00:18:51,440 --> 00:18:53,560 Speaker 1: or the kind of language that we would want to 307 00:18:53,560 --> 00:18:57,240 Speaker 1: be using things like this doesn't align with how I 308 00:18:57,280 --> 00:19:03,000 Speaker 1: want to work. I've thought about it, and I'm not 309 00:19:03,240 --> 00:19:06,960 Speaker 1: choosing what feels right for me, so I'm going to 310 00:19:07,080 --> 00:19:10,640 Speaker 1: change my mind. I really value your perspective, but I've 311 00:19:10,640 --> 00:19:13,880 Speaker 1: thought about what this means for me, and it doesn't 312 00:19:13,920 --> 00:19:17,680 Speaker 1: actually meet my needs. Something you may notice about these 313 00:19:17,760 --> 00:19:22,720 Speaker 1: kind of statements. They imply self reflection, not just an opinion, 314 00:19:22,760 --> 00:19:25,520 Speaker 1: not just a guess, like they are saying I have 315 00:19:25,640 --> 00:19:28,760 Speaker 1: done deep thinking, I'm not just immediately dismissing you. And 316 00:19:28,800 --> 00:19:32,399 Speaker 1: they also contain an essential boundary. They're saying thank you, 317 00:19:32,520 --> 00:19:35,920 Speaker 1: but no thank you. It is very hard to argue 318 00:19:35,920 --> 00:19:39,120 Speaker 1: with someone when what they're expressing is personal to them, 319 00:19:39,760 --> 00:19:43,000 Speaker 1: and it's very hard to implicitly say I don't agree, 320 00:19:43,160 --> 00:19:46,920 Speaker 1: because it comes off as an insult to our personhood. 321 00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:50,639 Speaker 1: If we frame things in a way of self authorship, 322 00:19:50,760 --> 00:19:54,040 Speaker 1: like imagine someone saying I'm choosing what feels right for 323 00:19:54,119 --> 00:19:58,080 Speaker 1: me and you saying, well, I don't like that. I disagree. 324 00:19:58,680 --> 00:20:02,880 Speaker 1: It feels unnatural. The other persons seem like the asshole. 325 00:20:03,080 --> 00:20:06,399 Speaker 1: So if you want to be more assertive, make statements 326 00:20:06,440 --> 00:20:10,000 Speaker 1: like this part of your vocabulary. I'm going to give 327 00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:12,400 Speaker 1: you a few other examples, because I feel like once 328 00:20:12,440 --> 00:20:15,040 Speaker 1: you hear them being said, it's easier to say them themselves. 329 00:20:15,280 --> 00:20:18,400 Speaker 1: Here are some examples. This may disappoint you, but it's 330 00:20:18,440 --> 00:20:22,399 Speaker 1: what I need to do. I've spent time reflecting and 331 00:20:22,440 --> 00:20:26,320 Speaker 1: this is an important boundary for me. It's really important 332 00:20:26,400 --> 00:20:29,960 Speaker 1: for me to follow through on what I value. I 333 00:20:30,040 --> 00:20:33,520 Speaker 1: respect your opinion, but I am standing by my choice. 334 00:20:34,520 --> 00:20:37,520 Speaker 1: Can you just see how powerful these are. They're not insulting, 335 00:20:37,560 --> 00:20:41,200 Speaker 1: they're not angry, They're just assertive. These statements are so measured, 336 00:20:41,520 --> 00:20:45,200 Speaker 1: they're also quite personal. They're quite intimate because you're kind 337 00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:49,920 Speaker 1: of letting someone know your core values. You're letting someone 338 00:20:49,960 --> 00:20:53,680 Speaker 1: observe your thought process, and it shows that you know, well, 339 00:20:53,720 --> 00:20:55,840 Speaker 1: you're not going to be forced to act in a 340 00:20:55,840 --> 00:20:58,600 Speaker 1: way that is against your values because you think about 341 00:20:58,640 --> 00:21:01,320 Speaker 1: them and you care about them deep. But you're also 342 00:21:01,400 --> 00:21:04,560 Speaker 1: not going to get mad and argue about it either, 343 00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:08,600 Speaker 1: Like this is not up for discussion. So using self 344 00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:15,240 Speaker 1: authorship language incredibly effective. Tip number four Visualize. If you 345 00:21:15,280 --> 00:21:18,200 Speaker 1: want to be in a set of communicator, visualize how 346 00:21:18,240 --> 00:21:21,040 Speaker 1: you want the conversation to go. Visualize how you're going 347 00:21:21,080 --> 00:21:25,640 Speaker 1: to handle yourself. Visualize the best communicator you know, try 348 00:21:25,680 --> 00:21:28,479 Speaker 1: and embody them. Visualize how you want the other person 349 00:21:28,560 --> 00:21:33,040 Speaker 1: to react. Visualization, especially if you're quite anxious when you 350 00:21:33,040 --> 00:21:37,000 Speaker 1: talk to others. It works because the brain often can't 351 00:21:37,320 --> 00:21:41,240 Speaker 1: distinguish between imagination and reality. It gets us in a 352 00:21:41,280 --> 00:21:43,960 Speaker 1: lot of trouble. Sometimes this is a case where it 353 00:21:43,960 --> 00:21:46,840 Speaker 1: really works in our favor. When you vividly picture yourself 354 00:21:46,880 --> 00:21:49,480 Speaker 1: having a conversation and you are calm, and you are clear, 355 00:21:49,520 --> 00:21:53,720 Speaker 1: and you are confident, you activate the same neural pathways 356 00:21:53,760 --> 00:21:57,000 Speaker 1: that would be firing if you are actually doing it. 357 00:21:57,680 --> 00:22:02,239 Speaker 1: And this kind of mental rehearsal helps reduce anxiety. It 358 00:22:02,320 --> 00:22:06,240 Speaker 1: increases a sense of preparedness. It makes the situation also 359 00:22:06,280 --> 00:22:08,639 Speaker 1: feel more familiar, and we know that a lot of 360 00:22:08,640 --> 00:22:13,280 Speaker 1: the times anxiety is just coming from a fear of uncertainty. 361 00:22:13,359 --> 00:22:15,080 Speaker 1: So if it feels certain in your mind by thinking 362 00:22:15,080 --> 00:22:18,040 Speaker 1: about it beforehand, you'll feel more certain in the moment. 363 00:22:19,000 --> 00:22:22,880 Speaker 1: There is an amazing study from twenty sixteen and it's 364 00:22:22,920 --> 00:22:27,560 Speaker 1: titled Imagining Success and the Effectiveness of Imagery that essentially 365 00:22:27,720 --> 00:22:30,800 Speaker 1: shows that when you do these kinds of exercises, when 366 00:22:30,840 --> 00:22:34,480 Speaker 1: you imagine winning, when you imagine an outcome you want 367 00:22:34,720 --> 00:22:38,000 Speaker 1: that programming, that's what you're doing. You're programming your mind. 368 00:22:38,560 --> 00:22:42,320 Speaker 1: It improves performance and it improved the likelihood of participants, 369 00:22:43,200 --> 00:22:46,480 Speaker 1: in this case winning their tennis match. So it could 370 00:22:46,480 --> 00:22:50,240 Speaker 1: also improve the likelihood of you coming across in a 371 00:22:50,280 --> 00:22:52,359 Speaker 1: way that is confident and true to what you want 372 00:22:52,600 --> 00:22:55,000 Speaker 1: to say and what you believe in. You and your 373 00:22:55,040 --> 00:22:57,840 Speaker 1: brain have a two way relationship. Even if you have 374 00:22:57,880 --> 00:23:01,760 Speaker 1: a baseline level of anxiety around being assertive, what you 375 00:23:01,800 --> 00:23:04,080 Speaker 1: say to yourself, what you say to your brain does 376 00:23:04,200 --> 00:23:07,600 Speaker 1: matter and will help. Another part of this is imagining 377 00:23:07,840 --> 00:23:12,200 Speaker 1: yourself as somebody you admire and embodying how you think 378 00:23:12,240 --> 00:23:15,520 Speaker 1: they would Behave think about someone who you think is 379 00:23:15,560 --> 00:23:20,199 Speaker 1: a really composed, assertive speaker, really think about it in 380 00:23:20,240 --> 00:23:22,280 Speaker 1: your brain. Who do you look up to? The person 381 00:23:22,920 --> 00:23:27,200 Speaker 1: I always imagine before I step into any space where 382 00:23:27,200 --> 00:23:29,000 Speaker 1: I'm speaking or where I have to get up in 383 00:23:29,000 --> 00:23:32,520 Speaker 1: front of people, is Michelle Obama. Like she has so 384 00:23:32,680 --> 00:23:37,040 Speaker 1: much poise, she has so much integrity, She speaks so clearly, 385 00:23:37,920 --> 00:23:41,119 Speaker 1: and I just think, you know, how would she handle 386 00:23:41,160 --> 00:23:43,359 Speaker 1: this if I'm walking into a situation that has stressing 387 00:23:43,440 --> 00:23:47,040 Speaker 1: me out? What words would she use? When would she pause? 388 00:23:47,520 --> 00:23:51,520 Speaker 1: How would she hold herself? I call it the masterful 389 00:23:51,800 --> 00:23:54,240 Speaker 1: hero effect. I think it has another term, but for me, 390 00:23:54,800 --> 00:23:58,440 Speaker 1: masterful hero effect, and it really works. You know, if 391 00:23:58,480 --> 00:24:01,840 Speaker 1: people you admire can shape our behavior through what we 392 00:24:01,880 --> 00:24:04,879 Speaker 1: buy and what we consume, and how we dress and 393 00:24:04,960 --> 00:24:07,480 Speaker 1: what books we read or music we listen to. If 394 00:24:07,520 --> 00:24:10,439 Speaker 1: they can influence us that way, they can also shape 395 00:24:11,119 --> 00:24:15,160 Speaker 1: our speaking behavior and how we assert ourselves because they 396 00:24:15,160 --> 00:24:19,359 Speaker 1: set an example. I think having an example of a 397 00:24:19,400 --> 00:24:24,200 Speaker 1: person like this also calms the innate, people pleasing part 398 00:24:24,280 --> 00:24:27,520 Speaker 1: of me, at least that is really imagining the world 399 00:24:27,560 --> 00:24:34,520 Speaker 1: collapsing and relationships ceasing to exist. If I ever set 400 00:24:34,560 --> 00:24:37,840 Speaker 1: a real boundary, if I ever said I'm not okay 401 00:24:37,840 --> 00:24:41,040 Speaker 1: with that, that's a big fear. I think that's the 402 00:24:41,080 --> 00:24:43,719 Speaker 1: main barrier to being in a sort of communicator. What 403 00:24:43,760 --> 00:24:46,280 Speaker 1: if people think that I'm an asshole? What if they 404 00:24:46,280 --> 00:24:48,960 Speaker 1: don't want to be my friend? And so having that 405 00:24:49,040 --> 00:24:53,480 Speaker 1: example of someone who is loud and clear and not 406 00:24:53,560 --> 00:24:56,520 Speaker 1: afraid to express what they want and yet still has successful, 407 00:24:56,880 --> 00:25:02,120 Speaker 1: beautiful relationships just reinforces that. This fear that being assertive 408 00:25:02,200 --> 00:25:06,159 Speaker 1: is going to ruin friendships or partnerships for you is 409 00:25:06,320 --> 00:25:07,959 Speaker 1: a myth your brain is trying to tell you for 410 00:25:08,000 --> 00:25:13,600 Speaker 1: whatever reason. Sometimes actually relationships do need hard boundaries, and 411 00:25:13,640 --> 00:25:16,080 Speaker 1: they do need assertiveness, so you're not kind of like 412 00:25:16,160 --> 00:25:18,320 Speaker 1: running around in the dark trying to figure out what 413 00:25:18,400 --> 00:25:20,920 Speaker 1: someone else wants. It'd be so much easier if they 414 00:25:21,000 --> 00:25:23,159 Speaker 1: just came out and said it. And I think we 415 00:25:23,200 --> 00:25:26,119 Speaker 1: can all acknowledge that our lives would also be easier 416 00:25:26,160 --> 00:25:30,560 Speaker 1: if sometimes we just swallowed the hard pill and just 417 00:25:31,080 --> 00:25:35,280 Speaker 1: said what we really wanted and weren't afraid to upset people. Now, 418 00:25:35,520 --> 00:25:38,720 Speaker 1: my lovely listener is our final tip for this episode, 419 00:25:39,200 --> 00:25:45,520 Speaker 1: possibly my favorite one. Use flattery. Flatter the person by 420 00:25:45,600 --> 00:25:50,679 Speaker 1: personalizing your framing to make them seem superior. Let me 421 00:25:50,720 --> 00:25:53,280 Speaker 1: explain this, because if it sounds like manipulation, I promise 422 00:25:53,320 --> 00:25:56,399 Speaker 1: it isn't. The best way I can explain this is 423 00:25:56,640 --> 00:25:59,520 Speaker 1: if you've ever had a dog, you'll know the easiest 424 00:25:59,560 --> 00:26:02,600 Speaker 1: way to make them take medication something that you know 425 00:26:02,600 --> 00:26:05,840 Speaker 1: they typically don't enjoy, is to sneak it into something really, 426 00:26:05,840 --> 00:26:09,360 Speaker 1: really tasty. So like my dog, she's like this, She 427 00:26:09,600 --> 00:26:14,120 Speaker 1: will just refuse to eat her worming medication or her 428 00:26:14,520 --> 00:26:17,400 Speaker 1: tick medication, but the moment it is in a piece 429 00:26:17,440 --> 00:26:20,439 Speaker 1: of chicken like, she's all over it. We're gonna do 430 00:26:20,560 --> 00:26:25,600 Speaker 1: the same for our more difficult conversations with maybe the 431 00:26:25,600 --> 00:26:28,080 Speaker 1: more difficult people in our lives or who we encounter, 432 00:26:28,560 --> 00:26:32,000 Speaker 1: We're gonna sneak what we want into the conversation using 433 00:26:32,080 --> 00:26:37,120 Speaker 1: a metaphorical piece of chicken, and hopefully finish up with 434 00:26:37,160 --> 00:26:41,200 Speaker 1: our intended outcome. So how are we going to do this? Essentially, 435 00:26:42,000 --> 00:26:44,280 Speaker 1: what you're going to do is make someone feel like 436 00:26:44,359 --> 00:26:47,760 Speaker 1: they already know what you're about to say, and they 437 00:26:47,800 --> 00:26:51,439 Speaker 1: already agree with it because they have already had the 438 00:26:51,440 --> 00:26:55,480 Speaker 1: thought you've had. They've already considered it because they are superior. 439 00:26:56,080 --> 00:27:00,760 Speaker 1: So phrases like this. You probably already know this, but 440 00:27:01,000 --> 00:27:03,919 Speaker 1: I just want to make it really clear. I know 441 00:27:04,040 --> 00:27:07,560 Speaker 1: you're probably already thinking this through, but I just want 442 00:27:07,560 --> 00:27:11,000 Speaker 1: to share my perspective as well. What I love about 443 00:27:11,040 --> 00:27:14,760 Speaker 1: you is how intuitive you are, so you've probably already 444 00:27:14,760 --> 00:27:18,400 Speaker 1: picked up on the fact that dot dot dot this 445 00:27:19,359 --> 00:27:24,359 Speaker 1: is peak assertiveness. You are bringing someone onto your side 446 00:27:24,840 --> 00:27:30,040 Speaker 1: but still confidently making your point. Also, what I found 447 00:27:30,160 --> 00:27:34,080 Speaker 1: is if someone wants to disagree with you or dismiss 448 00:27:34,119 --> 00:27:37,560 Speaker 1: you or dismiss the second part of a statement, they 449 00:27:37,560 --> 00:27:39,639 Speaker 1: also have to disagree with the first part of the 450 00:27:39,720 --> 00:27:43,320 Speaker 1: statement as well, which their ego will probably prevent them 451 00:27:43,320 --> 00:27:45,359 Speaker 1: from doing so. Let me use one of those sentences 452 00:27:45,840 --> 00:27:48,840 Speaker 1: just to like illustrate this. I know you're really switched on, 453 00:27:48,880 --> 00:27:51,720 Speaker 1: So this has probably already crossed your mind. But when 454 00:27:51,760 --> 00:27:54,280 Speaker 1: you don't clean up after yourself, that means someone else 455 00:27:54,480 --> 00:27:57,159 Speaker 1: has to do it. That first half of the sentence 456 00:27:57,200 --> 00:28:00,399 Speaker 1: is crucial. I know you're really switched on. This person 457 00:28:00,440 --> 00:28:02,840 Speaker 1: isn't going to say, well, no, I'm not, I'm not 458 00:28:02,880 --> 00:28:06,200 Speaker 1: actually that switched on, because that's just counterintuitive. They want 459 00:28:06,240 --> 00:28:09,399 Speaker 1: to maintain their sense of pride and their sense of ego, 460 00:28:09,880 --> 00:28:14,239 Speaker 1: and so by introducing a statement with something positive that 461 00:28:14,280 --> 00:28:17,439 Speaker 1: they inherently will agree to, it means that they agree 462 00:28:17,440 --> 00:28:20,400 Speaker 1: with the entire thing. This tactic. The reason it works 463 00:28:20,400 --> 00:28:23,720 Speaker 1: psychologically is because it actually taps into something called the 464 00:28:23,800 --> 00:28:26,880 Speaker 1: Dunning Kruger effect. I spoke about this in my book 465 00:28:27,080 --> 00:28:30,920 Speaker 1: a lot in the chapter on mistakes. But people really 466 00:28:30,960 --> 00:28:35,000 Speaker 1: overestimate their competence and their abilities. So if you play 467 00:28:35,160 --> 00:28:38,800 Speaker 1: into that, and you tap into their desire to maintain 468 00:28:38,880 --> 00:28:44,800 Speaker 1: their self image as someone who is intelligent, competent, knowing, aware, intuitive, 469 00:28:44,840 --> 00:28:48,080 Speaker 1: whatever it is, it's not that you trick them into 470 00:28:48,160 --> 00:28:51,280 Speaker 1: agreeing with you, but you make it easier for them 471 00:28:51,400 --> 00:28:56,200 Speaker 1: to agree with you. You lower the ego barrier by 472 00:28:56,320 --> 00:28:59,360 Speaker 1: kind of opening the door and saying, well, you're already 473 00:28:59,360 --> 00:29:01,720 Speaker 1: so much smarter than me, so come in, come in 474 00:29:01,760 --> 00:29:04,000 Speaker 1: and show me how it's done. I think it also 475 00:29:04,040 --> 00:29:06,640 Speaker 1: makes people less defensive. You know, people don't want to 476 00:29:06,680 --> 00:29:10,200 Speaker 1: have difficult conversations. I know I don't, so when you 477 00:29:10,400 --> 00:29:13,440 Speaker 1: introduce it in a positive way, it also lessens the 478 00:29:13,560 --> 00:29:16,600 Speaker 1: chance that either one of you is going to become upset, 479 00:29:16,960 --> 00:29:22,280 Speaker 1: aggressive or agreeable. So those are my five tips. Let's 480 00:29:22,320 --> 00:29:25,520 Speaker 1: do a quick refresh before I give you some rapid 481 00:29:25,560 --> 00:29:29,240 Speaker 1: fire bonus ones. But number one, know the power of 482 00:29:29,240 --> 00:29:34,080 Speaker 1: the pause. Number two, regulate your body. Number three, make 483 00:29:34,120 --> 00:29:41,000 Speaker 1: it about you, number four visualize Number five flattery. I 484 00:29:41,080 --> 00:29:44,400 Speaker 1: deliberately in this didn't want to include tips that maybe 485 00:29:44,400 --> 00:29:48,160 Speaker 1: you had heard before, so apologies if these were things 486 00:29:48,200 --> 00:29:50,880 Speaker 1: you already knew, Especially the body language tip. I know 487 00:29:51,280 --> 00:29:53,040 Speaker 1: a lot of people talk about that. I think we 488 00:29:53,080 --> 00:29:55,880 Speaker 1: all have some clue of how powerful that is. But 489 00:29:56,120 --> 00:29:58,840 Speaker 1: there were some tips I didn't include that are pretty common, 490 00:29:58,840 --> 00:30:02,240 Speaker 1: and if you need a refresher, let's quickly go through them, 491 00:30:02,280 --> 00:30:07,160 Speaker 1: because I think any further ways that we can be assertive, 492 00:30:07,560 --> 00:30:11,280 Speaker 1: anything that clicks with you. That's important, so remember to 493 00:30:11,320 --> 00:30:15,160 Speaker 1: be direct but not harsh. Practice before you step into 494 00:30:15,160 --> 00:30:20,720 Speaker 1: a conversation, keep your tone, calm always. If you feel 495 00:30:20,760 --> 00:30:25,480 Speaker 1: the need to yell, shout, walk away, hold eye contact 496 00:30:25,760 --> 00:30:30,080 Speaker 1: and own your not try and intentionally stop yourself from 497 00:30:30,640 --> 00:30:34,000 Speaker 1: over explaining or apologizing. This is a habit that is 498 00:30:34,040 --> 00:30:36,520 Speaker 1: hard to break. It's somewhat builds into our DNA to 499 00:30:36,600 --> 00:30:41,360 Speaker 1: avoid conflict through appeasement, but apologizing or coming back or 500 00:30:41,360 --> 00:30:43,960 Speaker 1: going back on your point can really undermine what you 501 00:30:44,040 --> 00:30:49,760 Speaker 1: have to say. The critical thing to remember is it's 502 00:30:49,800 --> 00:30:52,360 Speaker 1: not a bad thing to be assertive. It's not an 503 00:30:52,480 --> 00:30:56,840 Speaker 1: ugly or a selfish thing. It's actually a huge sign 504 00:30:56,880 --> 00:31:01,800 Speaker 1: of respect towards the person or people you are speaking to, 505 00:31:02,440 --> 00:31:05,680 Speaker 1: because it's saying this is what I need. Can you 506 00:31:05,720 --> 00:31:08,000 Speaker 1: do this for me or not? I want to have 507 00:31:08,080 --> 00:31:11,160 Speaker 1: an honest relationship with you. I don't want to waste 508 00:31:11,200 --> 00:31:14,280 Speaker 1: your time, and I respect you enough to not try 509 00:31:14,320 --> 00:31:18,479 Speaker 1: and conceal what I'm really after. Sometimes when I struggle 510 00:31:18,560 --> 00:31:22,760 Speaker 1: with this, because I definitely do in work situations, it's 511 00:31:22,840 --> 00:31:25,320 Speaker 1: a big issue for me. I can be assertive in 512 00:31:25,400 --> 00:31:28,440 Speaker 1: all other areas except for work, but I just remind 513 00:31:28,480 --> 00:31:32,959 Speaker 1: myself sometimes you have to be the asshole. Sometimes you 514 00:31:33,080 --> 00:31:36,320 Speaker 1: have to be the asshole, and so be it. If 515 00:31:36,320 --> 00:31:39,959 Speaker 1: they are going to judge you, that is okay. They're judgments. 516 00:31:40,080 --> 00:31:43,239 Speaker 1: They mean a whole lot less than your happiness. So 517 00:31:43,520 --> 00:31:46,640 Speaker 1: I hope that you have learnt something from this episode. 518 00:31:47,000 --> 00:31:49,120 Speaker 1: I hope that you can take these five tips I 519 00:31:49,160 --> 00:31:52,000 Speaker 1: had for you today and integrate them, even if it's 520 00:31:52,120 --> 00:31:56,200 Speaker 1: just one even if it's just one sentence that I said, 521 00:31:56,840 --> 00:31:59,560 Speaker 1: I really meant it when I said being in assertive 522 00:31:59,600 --> 00:32:03,120 Speaker 1: community unlocks so much in your life, and it is 523 00:32:03,640 --> 00:32:06,040 Speaker 1: a practice, it is a skill. I think. The first 524 00:32:06,040 --> 00:32:08,800 Speaker 1: thing is we need to mentally get over the roadblock 525 00:32:08,840 --> 00:32:12,640 Speaker 1: that being assertive means that we are being disrespectful. It's 526 00:32:12,680 --> 00:32:16,160 Speaker 1: the complete opposite. And when you finally are, you realize 527 00:32:16,160 --> 00:32:19,400 Speaker 1: it's kind of a strange epiphany, like why wasn't I 528 00:32:19,480 --> 00:32:23,360 Speaker 1: always doing this? Like gosh, I've missed out on a 529 00:32:23,440 --> 00:32:26,800 Speaker 1: lot by keeping my mouth shut. But the good thing 530 00:32:26,880 --> 00:32:29,600 Speaker 1: is the good news is it starts today and you 531 00:32:29,600 --> 00:32:32,600 Speaker 1: can go forward with these skills, with these habits, with 532 00:32:32,720 --> 00:32:35,800 Speaker 1: these tricks and tips, and hopefully change how you really 533 00:32:35,840 --> 00:32:39,080 Speaker 1: express what you want, what you need, what you deserve. 534 00:32:39,600 --> 00:32:42,880 Speaker 1: Thank you so much for listening. As always, make sure 535 00:32:42,920 --> 00:32:47,240 Speaker 1: that you are following us on Instagram at that Psychology Podcast, 536 00:32:47,280 --> 00:32:50,080 Speaker 1: we are always looking for new episode suggestions. You can 537 00:32:50,160 --> 00:32:52,920 Speaker 1: DM me over there. Make sure to share this episode 538 00:32:52,920 --> 00:32:56,400 Speaker 1: with a friend who might need it. And until next time, 539 00:32:56,840 --> 00:32:59,960 Speaker 1: be safe, be kind, be gentle to yourself, be assertive, 540 00:33:00,560 --> 00:33:02,120 Speaker 1: and we will talk very very soon.