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Speaker 1: Wine Down with Janet Kramer and I Heart Radio podcast.

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Speaker 1: All Right, today's episode, we have Dr Wendy Walsh and

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Speaker 1: she's a relationship expert. She's got over a million followers

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Speaker 1: on TikTok about um, you know, divorce, co parenting. We

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Speaker 1: are a hot mess to day, Wendy, can we just

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Speaker 1: start with that stunding? Oh my goodness, gracious, how are

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Speaker 1: you good? Good? Good? How are you well? I need

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Speaker 1: to settle it. I need to breathe. It was one

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Speaker 1: of those days where I just feel like I'm going

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Speaker 1: like a million miles per minute. And it's summertime. We're

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Speaker 1: supposed to be relaxing. Oh yeah about that. It's high summer,

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Speaker 1: mid July. It doesn't get more like lay around and

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Speaker 1: be lazy and eat fruit. But we're not doing it. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: I mean that sounds great, but it's like, you know, um,

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Speaker 1: I'm not doing that. Um it's uh so yeah. So

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Speaker 1: when you asked me, like how am I doing, it's

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Speaker 1: like it's one of those days where you know, I

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Speaker 1: went into a walking today because I was kind of

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Speaker 1: feeling a little run down from all my travel. I'm

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Speaker 1: like I was convinced a headstrup throughout I didn't something.

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Speaker 1: I'm like angry that I spent an hour and a

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Speaker 1: half wasting my time, you know for something that's just

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Speaker 1: probably a little drainage. And then you know, rushing. I

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Speaker 1: went to an appointment that I'm rushing like, oh God, God,

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Speaker 1: like I gotta get back. But like it's like you

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Speaker 1: know when you get in front of the slow drivers

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Speaker 1: that I'm like, no, no, no no, no, please God, come on,

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Speaker 1: like throw me a bone here, get him out of

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Speaker 1: my way, this little driver. I actually teach health psychology

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Speaker 1: and frequent daily hassles are actually worse for our health,

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Speaker 1: and even big catastrophes really. Yeah, so it's the combination

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Speaker 1: of just constant traffic and spill your coffee on your

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Speaker 1: favorite blouse and marks at you or whatever. You know,

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Speaker 1: it's like that constant stream that keeps us in kind

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Speaker 1: of a minor fight or flight at all times, which

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Speaker 1: is chronic stress that causes inflammation and causes disease um

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Speaker 1: And interesting enough, when there's big catastrophes like fire an earthquake,

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Speaker 1: they will often have communities of people that come together

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Speaker 1: and there's some benefits of the Yeah, I mean I

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Speaker 1: could I could definitely see that because you know. I

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Speaker 1: hate being late. I hate you know. I hated even

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Speaker 1: the thought of like having you wait, and I texted.

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Speaker 1: I had to text the photo of the road blockage.

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Speaker 1: I was like, I'm already late, and I'm like, are

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Speaker 1: you kidding me? This road is never blocked. And then

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Speaker 1: I get up here and I spill my topo Chico.

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Speaker 1: It starts exploding on like Okay, I'm done. I'm I'm

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Speaker 1: tapping out. So how am I? I don't really know,

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Speaker 1: but I think I'm tapped. I solved that I'm a

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Speaker 1: really punctual person too, And I solved it by just

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Speaker 1: always planning to be thirty minutes early wherever I go.

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Speaker 1: Like if they say something starts at whatever, I started,

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Speaker 1: in fact thirty minutes ago. I poured myself a cup

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Speaker 1: of coffee and made some breakfast and sat here. I'm like, okay,

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Speaker 1: feed windows opening, and then and then we were like, yeah,

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Speaker 1: I wish Wendy one stresser by the way, being late,

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Speaker 1: yell at my kids. I will become someone I will

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Speaker 1: just and they're like whoa, And I'm like, we cannot

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Speaker 1: be late. I cannot stand it. Number one stressor, but

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Speaker 1: we can't control the traffic Yeah, drives me crazy. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: I think it's like a respect thing too. Yeah, Like

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Speaker 1: I hate when people are late. I don't know, just

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Speaker 1: I feel disrespected when unless it's like something obviously that's

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Speaker 1: like out of their control. But anyway, anyway, way to

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Speaker 1: reframe that, I would love that. I think I just

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Speaker 1: found a gift of new time because now we're at

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Speaker 1: a place where we can take a few minutes to meditate,

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Speaker 1: we can look at our phone and give ourselves the

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Speaker 1: gift of TikTok for five minutes. I mean, there's all

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Speaker 1: kinds of things we can do now to just go, hey,

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Speaker 1: I just got free time. I didn't know I had.

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Speaker 1: Oh that's a great reframe. Thank you, Wendy. I love

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Speaker 1: that because I love that. Thank you. So you recently

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Speaker 1: just put out what like a forum, a base about divorce,

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Speaker 1: about the benefits of divorce I have. I've got like

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Speaker 1: over a million followers on TikTok, and I started pulling

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Speaker 1: some of them behind a paywall, and we have a

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Speaker 1: Patreon zoom room that I do once a week for

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Speaker 1: those people who like to be real and face to

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Speaker 1: face like this, and um so I have a couple

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Speaker 1: of hundred people on my Patreon and probably twenty show

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Speaker 1: up to my zoom room. So I kind of advertise

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Speaker 1: it once a week, can do a different topic and

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Speaker 1: do a little slide show presentation because I'm a teacher

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Speaker 1: and so I think it was two or three weeks

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Speaker 1: ago we did are there benefits to divorce? And I

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Speaker 1: dug through the research and for some people there are

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Speaker 1: lots of benefits. What were some of the benefits that

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Speaker 1: you that you saw in your research? Well, the benefits

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Speaker 1: are more for women than men. Uh, there's so much research.

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Speaker 1: The divorce is really hard on men. Their rates of

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Speaker 1: addiction go up. They just don't have the social support.

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Speaker 1: And when women leave, they take the social capital with them,

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Speaker 1: and so as a result, men often experience much more isolation.

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Speaker 1: Are not used to reaching out from mental health services

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Speaker 1: or talking to their guy friends, so they turned to

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Speaker 1: alcohol or drugs. Right, and so actually the research shows

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Speaker 1: that UM, the the highest group of who died by

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Speaker 1: suicide are divorced men when compared to married men or

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Speaker 1: never married men. So it's not good for him. You knew.

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Speaker 1: It's so interesting that you said that too. Is I

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Speaker 1: was just on the phone with UM, a friend of mine.

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Speaker 1: He's he's been divorced for a couple years, and I

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Speaker 1: had he called He called me, but I was on

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Speaker 1: the phone with Max husband, so of course, because we

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Speaker 1: were trying to figure out some summer schedule stuff and um,

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Speaker 1: you know, when the kids are, when when we're gonna

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Speaker 1: put Jace back in preschool, and just a few other

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Speaker 1: logistics about if we're going to do dance competition or

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Speaker 1: you know, just like talking through the things of a

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Speaker 1: co parenting relationship now needs to have and um, I

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Speaker 1: guess I need relationship would have to have those conversations.

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Speaker 1: But anyways, so this there guys calling me and it's

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Speaker 1: a friend and and um, but I'm like, why I

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Speaker 1: decline it because obviously talking to the X husband. But

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Speaker 1: when I call him back and I'm like, I was like,

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Speaker 1: I actually just had a really good conversation with Max husband. Sorry,

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Speaker 1: I was just on the phone with him and we

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Speaker 1: were just talking through some of the stuff. And he goes,

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Speaker 1: girls are so much better at that, and I go,

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Speaker 1: what do you mean And he goes, well, it's just

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Speaker 1: so great that you can have a good conversation with them,

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Speaker 1: and I was like, yeah, I mean I feel like,

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Speaker 1: you know, I've I've let go of things and now

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Speaker 1: we can actually joke a little bit on the phone.

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Speaker 1: And we were at that kind of place, um, and

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Speaker 1: he was just like, he goes, I just think girls

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Speaker 1: can compartmentalize their feelings a little bit more to around it,

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Speaker 1: whereas like a guy, he's like, I want blunt force

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Speaker 1: trauma and to like fall off a bridge when I'm

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Speaker 1: talking to max wife, It's like they can't. He's like,

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Speaker 1: women can be like, Okay, we have to discuss this topic,

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Speaker 1: and I can set aside my feelings for you and

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Speaker 1: put him over here, and then I'm gonna go do

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Speaker 1: this over here. And I'm like, that's a very interesting

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Speaker 1: point he made, because I'm like that that is I

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Speaker 1: think what I was doing too, because I can compartmentalize.

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Speaker 1: But is that seen? Is that a normal thing for

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Speaker 1: females to be able to do. Men are better at compartmentalizing,

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Speaker 1: women are better at multitasking. But what women are is

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Speaker 1: much more relational. So pimically, what you did is put

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Speaker 1: your kids first. You're like, at this point, my kids

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Speaker 1: thriving and whether they get to their vacation or preschool

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Speaker 1: or dance competition is more important than my resentment for him,

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Speaker 1: and so you're focusing on that relationship and knowing what

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Speaker 1: you needed to get out of him to get his participation. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I think something too with that is something that I

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Speaker 1: learned when the whole Father's Day thing happened, because like,

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Speaker 1: you know, he didn't wish me a happy Mother's Day,

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Speaker 1: but then a Father's Day. I'm like, you know what,

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Speaker 1: for me, it's like, I think you have to separate

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Speaker 1: the man and then the husband or the with the

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Speaker 1: ex husband, like the father from the X husband. So

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Speaker 1: I'm like, at the end of the day, he's a

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Speaker 1: great father, so let's separate my feelings towards him as

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Speaker 1: an ex husband and look at him more as the

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Speaker 1: father of my kids. And that's been like a huge

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Speaker 1: thing for me. So that's I'm like, happy Father's Day

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Speaker 1: because you are a great father, you know. Yeah, and

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Speaker 1: also encouraged them to celebrate him on Father's Day. Um,

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Speaker 1: because they are half him. Okay, anything bad about him,

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Speaker 1: you're insulting your kids. Yeah, and I and I and

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Speaker 1: I did. I got I made them cards, we even

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Speaker 1: got them a little present. It just send my hurts

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Speaker 1: knowing that on Mother's Day, I don't get anything from them,

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Speaker 1: from the kids, from him. I don't even get a

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Speaker 1: happy Mother's Day text. And it's like, I'm not doing

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Speaker 1: it for that, but I'm like, it would be nice

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Speaker 1: to be acknowledged. He doesn't even have the kids get

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Speaker 1: you anything. I'm sorry. You know who does take over

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Speaker 1: for that is the schools. So they did and I

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Speaker 1: did get something from the school, and I appreciate that.

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Speaker 1: But I'm like, in my mind, I really wanted to

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Speaker 1: be like, you know what, I'm not going to text

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Speaker 1: him or we're not going to make that. I go,

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Speaker 1: you know, it's not about me. It's not about my

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Speaker 1: feelings towards my ex It's about the you know, the

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Speaker 1: experience of my kids being like, hey, let's write a

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Speaker 1: card for daddy, Let's get him a little something, you know.

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Speaker 1: And but and in my mind, I'm like, just be prepared,

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Speaker 1: Like it hurts on Mother's Day that I don't get

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Speaker 1: that same thing. Like I don't care. You don't wish

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Speaker 1: me happy birthday, that's fine. I don't wish you were

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Speaker 1: born either. He doesn't wish anything, that's fine, don't wish man,

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Speaker 1: But like, but a happy Mother's Day, Like I am

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Speaker 1: the mother of your children and he is the father.

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Speaker 1: So that for me, I'm learning how to separate the

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Speaker 1: husband and the man you got to separate and the

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Speaker 1: father I did on Mother's Day. I've been a single

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Speaker 1: mom for seventeen years. Is um, I just always booked

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Speaker 1: a spad day to self care on Father's Day Mother's

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Speaker 1: Day because now here's here's what I think now, because

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Speaker 1: like Mother's Day, I'm like, I got the kids. I

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Speaker 1: don't get to have that relaxing Like nobody makes me

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Speaker 1: breakfast in the morning, you know, Like I'm like single mom,

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Speaker 1: like go out to one of those expensive runches. We

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Speaker 1: can pay exactly exactly. I'm like, this is like how

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Speaker 1: did Like I'm like so fun now Father's Day is

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Speaker 1: my Mother's Day because I'm like, here, you go have

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Speaker 1: fun golfing with you two give because if you were

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Speaker 1: still married to me, I would have kept a mom.

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Speaker 1: So like, Father's Day has not become my Mother's Day's

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Speaker 1: glorious self. That's amazing. I also think as your kids

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Speaker 1: get older that they will be able to kind of

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Speaker 1: spark that a little bit too, like hey daddy, we

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Speaker 1: should do something for mom for Mother's Day. You know,

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Speaker 1: as they get older, they're still young. Really, you think

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Speaker 1: kids would do that. I think that if they're taught that. Yes,

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Speaker 1: I think that if you teach them like, hey, let's

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Speaker 1: think about daddy for Father's Day. Hey, let's think about

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Speaker 1: daddy for this it's modeled and then they'll start kind

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Speaker 1: of thinking that way too, And he may not see

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Speaker 1: it for the others to talk about that kind of thing. Uh,

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Speaker 1: But the end of the day, it's a job that's

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Speaker 1: a lot of work and no pay, and that's that.

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Speaker 1: At the end of the day. The meaning is how

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Speaker 1: they turn out as good people who like themselves. That's

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Speaker 1: all you want. Would you say in that form then,

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Speaker 1: that you're an advocate for divorce. No, The research is

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Speaker 1: very clear even too unhappy parents produce better kids than

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Speaker 1: single parents when they're bickering. Now, when the nest is

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Speaker 1: toxic for children, that may include addiction, chronic cheating, domestic violence,

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Speaker 1: child abuse, all that kind of stuff. Obviously divorce is

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Speaker 1: better for children, but kids can pretty much deal with

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Speaker 1: bickering parents and thrive. Also, the big problem that happens

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Speaker 1: with divorce with most people is that the cost of

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Speaker 1: maintaining two houses is so much greater than one, and

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Speaker 1: women tend to take the biggest economic hit, and so

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Speaker 1: children are thrown into poverty more often than not when um,

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Speaker 1: and they're more moves UM. Children of divorce are more

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Speaker 1: likely to have early onset of sexual behavior, more lower

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Speaker 1: academic achievement, and more likely to use drugs and alcohol.

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Speaker 1: All that researches is very very clear. Um, So I'm

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Speaker 1: not an advocate for divorce. However, when the nest is toxic,

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Speaker 1: when it's time to move on, there are some benefits. Well,

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Speaker 1: shit right here. I looked at those statistics, and I

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Speaker 1: just chose to compensate. So I put my own romantic

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Speaker 1: life on the back burner because I did not want

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Speaker 1: to risk dragging my kids through a poor romantic choice

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Speaker 1: that I might ever make. And I gave my children

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Speaker 1: the most expensive thing I had, which was my time.

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Speaker 1: And so therefore I took career hits. Uh. There were

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Speaker 1: two times where my two daughters and I lived in

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Speaker 1: a studio apartment because I didn't want to take a

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Speaker 1: big job that would involve a lot of travel and

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Speaker 1: away from them. And I'm very proud to tell you

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Speaker 1: that my daughter received graduated from Harvard and the other

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Speaker 1: one who was on the autism spectrum. She'd probably test

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Speaker 1: off it now because I got so many interventions early.

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Speaker 1: She has two jobs now, in her driver's license, in

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Speaker 1: her own little car. So I'm just so proud of

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Speaker 1: my nut. And you you said you chose not to

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Speaker 1: date during I took big gaps from dating, and if

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Speaker 1: I did date, I never exposed my kids to it.

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Speaker 1: It was really funny because my kid registered to go, like,

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Speaker 1: applied to go to Harvard. She didn't want to, but

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Speaker 1: I'm like, you have to. You miss aercent of the

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Speaker 1: shots you don't take. You gotta leavest throw your hat

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Speaker 1: in that ring, right, And she's like, Mom, because she's

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Speaker 1: so money conscious because I was a single mom, and

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Speaker 1: she's like, it costs like a hundred and seventy five

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Speaker 1: dollars just for the application. I'm like, okay, it, okay,

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Speaker 1: just do it. And so I happen to know a

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Speaker 1: certain famous guy in the intellectual literary community, and I

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Speaker 1: asked him, would you write the letter of reference for her?

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Speaker 1: And he said sure, And so later she gets in

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Speaker 1: and the person that whatever they call it, the admissions officer, said,

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Speaker 1: oh my god, I can't believe who wrote your letter

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Speaker 1: of reference? My kids, says me later, how did you

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Speaker 1: know a mom? I said, I dated him? Now when

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Speaker 1: where I go? Oh, I drop you at your dad's

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Speaker 1: and run to l a X. You never knew so cute?

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Speaker 1: Wait are you still dating? No? No, no no, I

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Speaker 1: have a wonderful fab you List boyfriend now for the

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Speaker 1: last two years. Um. And here's another little bit of

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Speaker 1: advice to somebody whose kids are around the same age.

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Speaker 1: So his kids are I have one college age, he

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Speaker 1: has one college age, he has one already launched. I

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Speaker 1: have one already launched, so that our kids are dealing

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Speaker 1: with the same things at the same time. So that's yeah,

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Speaker 1: that's that's a good tip. That's a really good tip.

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Speaker 1: Is there is there a part of you when you

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Speaker 1: hear like statistics like that, you're like freaking out a

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Speaker 1: little bit. It's fine, but also it's okay. So I

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Speaker 1: hear the statistics, I get that, and also I go, well,

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Speaker 1: what should too? I just I don't agree that too

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Speaker 1: unhappy people should stay married just for kids. I think

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Speaker 1: that can cause issues in relationships moving forward in their

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Speaker 1: life with their partner, you know, because if the missing

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Speaker 1: piece that you're talking about is modeling a healthy relationship

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Speaker 1: for your kids. Right, So when you become a single parent,

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Speaker 1: you've got to make one of two children. But I'm

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Speaker 1: if you were to stay right, said you said you

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Speaker 1: were to say, so, let's talk about so the thing

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Speaker 1: that's missing if you stay in a bickering relationship. I

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Speaker 1: use the word bickering because that sounds a lot. It's

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Speaker 1: a different kind of relationship than an abusive but loveless,

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Speaker 1: I mean loveless is people don't even love it, like

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Speaker 1: you're just passing like that to me is like your roommates.

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Speaker 1: Your roommates whose job is to raise the kids. The

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Speaker 1: statistics say the kids will do fine. Uh, and so

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Speaker 1: they'll do better than with one single parent. So then

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Speaker 1: if that couple separates and then you're a single parent,

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Speaker 1: you have one decision to make. If kids have missed

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Speaker 1: getting to see a model of a healthy relationship, then

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Speaker 1: you either create a blended family where they all the

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Speaker 1: kids can see or you wait like I did, Because

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Speaker 1: here's the thing. Our model for love is in our

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Speaker 1: head is made up of three relationships. The relationship we

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Speaker 1: had with our mother, the relationship we had with our father,

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Speaker 1: and the relationship that we witnessed between the two of them.

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Speaker 1: So if you take out that one, the one they

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Speaker 1: witnessed between the two of them because of divorce, you

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Speaker 1: can still you know, one stable, good, consistent, attached and

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Speaker 1: bonded parent can compensate so much because they create that

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Speaker 1: model for love and the kid that this is what

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Speaker 1: a secure attachment feels like. Hmm, yeah, I mean I

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Speaker 1: hear that, and I obviously the statistics say that. Um.

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Speaker 1: And I think for me and the reason that I

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Speaker 1: left my marriage was a you know, I saw a marriage.

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Speaker 1: You know, what I saw in my parents was a

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Speaker 1: loveless marriage, and then I kind of repeated the behavior

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Speaker 1: and I didn't want my kids to think that that

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Speaker 1: was a healthy the way that it should be. So

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Speaker 1: I think that what I hear from that is now

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Speaker 1: I just have work to do on how I go

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Speaker 1: about that in the future and whether that is how

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Speaker 1: to make your next choice, how you learn relationship skills.

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Speaker 1: So second marriages, so first marriages have a fifty divorce rate,

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Speaker 1: second marriages have a six divorce rate. Third marriages have

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Speaker 1: a seventy three divorce move because divorce does not teach

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Speaker 1: you how to choose a better partner. Divorce does not

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Speaker 1: teach you how to be a better partner. Divorce teaches

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Speaker 1: you that you can survive. So let's go back to

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Speaker 1: benefits of divorce. The benefits are divorced are. You can

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Speaker 1: do practice some self growth, You can go to therapy,

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Speaker 1: you can figure out what your piece of it was

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Speaker 1: so that you don't make that mistake or choose that

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Speaker 1: kind of partner. If we go through life unconsciously, we

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Speaker 1: choose the same relationship dynamic over and over again until

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Speaker 1: we solve it. Um. That person may drive a different

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Speaker 1: car and wear a different shirt, but basically the feeling

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Speaker 1: you have in the relationship is the same. If your

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Speaker 1: model for love involves, you know, some form of a

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Speaker 1: disordered attachment style. Yeah, m hmm. It's just so hard

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Speaker 1: being a parent but also staying in something that's not healthy.

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Speaker 1: But then you want to protect your kids, like you're

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Speaker 1: in some somewhere or another. You're gonna mess your kids

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Speaker 1: up somehow. There's gonna be something that you did, whether

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Speaker 1: it's the part of the divorce, or it's this or

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Speaker 1: you know the other day, Joel is it's something to

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Speaker 1: me and it's not true. I mean, at times I

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Speaker 1: favor Jace. At times there's at pieces when Joel is

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Speaker 1: driving me crazy and she's whining and um, but she's like,

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Speaker 1: you like, Jay's better than me. But I was like, no, baby,

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Speaker 1: Jason was just listening to mommy and I was saying

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Speaker 1: like thank you for listening, like I just need it.

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Speaker 1: So it's like, you know, I'm like, Okay, now I

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Speaker 1: gotta watch on that because I don't want her to

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Speaker 1: think that, like, you know, I'm favoring Jason. So it's like, um,

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Speaker 1: I'm that parents have a favorite, but all parents do,

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Speaker 1: and the kids know, most right, will re coomes when

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Speaker 1: there is not enough parent to go around. So, in

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Speaker 1: other words, really busy parents that aren't investing in their kids,

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Speaker 1: there tend to be more sibling rivalry because they're fighting

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Speaker 1: for that small piece of love. My daughter's name in

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Speaker 1: my phone her phone number is favorite kid. So you

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Speaker 1: know I didn't do it, she did it. But is

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Speaker 1: any of your favorite? Honestly, I could honestly say it's

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Speaker 1: different times, different kids. Yeah, I think it's different yep.

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Speaker 1: And as they go through different developmental stages as well. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: so now she just puts that. But you know, my

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Speaker 1: oldest was five years older, so she went through the

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Speaker 1: intellectual explosion earlier. So watching her read and was your

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Speaker 1: asked those questions about the world, that was so exciting

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Speaker 1: for me as an intellectual. Um. But then when she

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Speaker 1: went off to college and I now had a teenager

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Speaker 1: at home alone for five years, she and I went

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Speaker 1: traveling and did stuff and she became my cool buddy.

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Speaker 1: And her joke used to be, she got you alone

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Speaker 1: for the first five years of her life, but you

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Speaker 1: didn't get to do anything fun because she was little.

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Speaker 1: I gave you alone for the last five years, but

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Speaker 1: we're doing fun stuff. To the point, what has been

385
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Speaker 1: the best thing for you in your divorce, Like, what's

386
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Speaker 1: been the benefit and divorce for you emotionally, spiritually all that.

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Speaker 1: First of all, I'm not divorced. I lived with the

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Speaker 1: father of my children for nine years, which she was

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Speaker 1: not to marry him, so, which turned out to be

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Speaker 1: the best thing in the world. Um. And because it's

391
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Speaker 1: a community property state and I got to keep my

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Speaker 1: real estate. But I would say if when I looked

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Speaker 1: up the research on it, I was like, oh, yeah, yeah,

394
00:20:48,800 --> 00:20:52,080
Speaker 1: that's true. That's true. So the first is whatever toxic

395
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Speaker 1: thing that's happening in your relationship, that's causing you to

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Speaker 1: struggle with parenting. For instance, if you're fighting about all

397
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Speaker 1: these different styles of parranting, all of a sudden you

398
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Speaker 1: don't have to confer with anybody. You get to parent

399
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Speaker 1: the way you want a parent. And sometimes that can

400
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Speaker 1: make you a better parent because you lose the struggle

401
00:21:09,440 --> 00:21:12,919
Speaker 1: and the fight. Um. The other thing it does is

402
00:21:12,960 --> 00:21:16,520
Speaker 1: it gives you free financial freedom, because couples fight so

403
00:21:16,600 --> 00:21:19,919
Speaker 1: much over money to be able to say I'm going.

404
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Speaker 1: And there's research to show that women are actually better

405
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Speaker 1: investors because men are action oriented and they're moving in

406
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Speaker 1: and out of the market so much, and they're making

407
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Speaker 1: all these financial moves that are problematic and women are

408
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Speaker 1: kind of like, let's let this stuff grow, see how

409
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Speaker 1: it does right, just like a baby. And um, so

410
00:21:38,080 --> 00:21:41,680
Speaker 1: financially it can be better. It can also be better

411
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Speaker 1: to have the time. As I said, to go to therapy.

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Speaker 1: I mean I went to therapy. I've been in therapy

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Speaker 1: for eighteen years. I would never miss it. It's my church.

414
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Speaker 1: And UM, to figure out what your peace in it

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Speaker 1: is so that you don't make mistakes. For instance, I

416
00:21:56,359 --> 00:22:00,000
Speaker 1: was always attracted to bad boys or people who are

417
00:22:00,080 --> 00:22:03,240
Speaker 1: I didn't realize bad boys were this emotionally avoidant because

418
00:22:03,240 --> 00:22:05,520
Speaker 1: I had a little anxiety around attachment. So it was

419
00:22:05,520 --> 00:22:07,119
Speaker 1: like I was gonna make him love me. I was

420
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Speaker 1: going to be so perfect, I was going to keep

421
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Speaker 1: it together. Um, And if I met those nice guys

422
00:22:11,760 --> 00:22:14,640
Speaker 1: with a secure attachment style, I would go, you, he's

423
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Speaker 1: too nice. And then I learned and it to mean really,

424
00:22:18,640 --> 00:22:24,959
Speaker 1: I think the healing attachment with my kids. I learned

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Speaker 1: what real love and trust and security felt like. And

426
00:22:28,520 --> 00:22:32,280
Speaker 1: when I met this sweet man later in life who

427
00:22:32,400 --> 00:22:34,679
Speaker 1: does the dishes and the laundry and helps me and

428
00:22:34,720 --> 00:22:37,399
Speaker 1: helps me and helps me and helps me, I'm just like,

429
00:22:37,760 --> 00:22:40,320
Speaker 1: I feel grateful and I can accept it and not

430
00:22:40,400 --> 00:22:43,040
Speaker 1: push it away and not push it away. I used

431
00:22:43,040 --> 00:22:45,720
Speaker 1: to push away, like what's his problem? Now, I will say.

432
00:22:45,720 --> 00:22:48,159
Speaker 1: In the meantime, when I was trying to learn to

433
00:22:48,359 --> 00:22:52,600
Speaker 1: tolerate kindness, I would date people who seemed kind, but

434
00:22:52,640 --> 00:22:55,359
Speaker 1: then I'd realized they had their own anxious attachment style

435
00:22:55,800 --> 00:22:59,159
Speaker 1: and they were actually insecure so trying to be super

436
00:22:59,240 --> 00:23:00,959
Speaker 1: nice to try to keep me close. And then if

437
00:23:00,960 --> 00:23:02,919
Speaker 1: I didn't sort of read their mind and figure out

438
00:23:02,960 --> 00:23:05,679
Speaker 1: what their needs are, they would explode in anger and

439
00:23:05,720 --> 00:23:08,520
Speaker 1: that was just insecurity. It wasn't a secure attachment. My

440
00:23:08,560 --> 00:23:12,040
Speaker 1: boyfriend is so secure. He's got such a backbone. He

441
00:23:12,119 --> 00:23:13,919
Speaker 1: knows how to say no. But the rest of the

442
00:23:13,960 --> 00:23:16,720
Speaker 1: time he's just happy to be giving. He said. Acts

443
00:23:16,720 --> 00:23:18,840
Speaker 1: of service are my love language. I love to help.

444
00:23:19,480 --> 00:23:22,560
Speaker 1: So it's great, But it took a lot of years

445
00:23:22,560 --> 00:23:25,160
Speaker 1: of healing my own attachment stuff and figuring out what

446
00:23:25,240 --> 00:23:28,760
Speaker 1: my peace was. Instead of blaming men for ghosting me

447
00:23:28,880 --> 00:23:31,280
Speaker 1: or abusing me or treating me badly, I had to

448
00:23:31,320 --> 00:23:34,479
Speaker 1: figure out why I needed to choose them. M hm

449
00:23:34,960 --> 00:23:39,040
Speaker 1: m hmm. Yeah. I'm kind of on that journey right now. Yeah.

450
00:23:39,680 --> 00:23:41,960
Speaker 1: So I love therapy though, so good because you're really

451
00:23:41,960 --> 00:23:45,159
Speaker 1: realizing so many things and going like, no, actually, i'm

452
00:23:45,200 --> 00:23:47,440
Speaker 1: gonna I'm gonna not gonna go down that same road

453
00:23:47,480 --> 00:23:50,679
Speaker 1: I go down every single time. I'm gonna work on

454
00:23:50,720 --> 00:23:53,560
Speaker 1: myself and then go down the right road. And the

455
00:23:53,560 --> 00:23:56,119
Speaker 1: most important thing is actually to see the red flags

456
00:23:56,119 --> 00:23:59,280
Speaker 1: super early and move off. Because we get in love

457
00:23:59,320 --> 00:24:01,720
Speaker 1: with hope, well you know, it's just a small thing,

458
00:24:01,880 --> 00:24:05,560
Speaker 1: and you know, and like a one time, the very

459
00:24:05,600 --> 00:24:08,080
Speaker 1: first few weeks of dating the father of my children,

460
00:24:08,119 --> 00:24:10,399
Speaker 1: I had a shoot that was in Dominican Republic at

461
00:24:10,400 --> 00:24:13,040
Speaker 1: a resort, and so I said, well, I've got a

462
00:24:13,080 --> 00:24:15,120
Speaker 1: hotel suite there I'm working. Why don't you just buy

463
00:24:15,119 --> 00:24:16,840
Speaker 1: your own plane ticket and come. And it was in

464
00:24:16,880 --> 00:24:19,639
Speaker 1: the early heady days. For the first few weeks, He's like, sure, right.

465
00:24:20,080 --> 00:24:22,080
Speaker 1: And so when I was finally checking out because I

466
00:24:22,080 --> 00:24:25,000
Speaker 1: had my credit card on the hotel desk, I went

467
00:24:25,040 --> 00:24:26,359
Speaker 1: to check out and I saw a couple of T

468
00:24:26,440 --> 00:24:29,359
Speaker 1: shirts that were bought from the pro shop and I'm like,

469
00:24:29,400 --> 00:24:31,119
Speaker 1: what is this and they say, yeah, here, and I

470
00:24:31,160 --> 00:24:33,480
Speaker 1: looked and there's his signature. So we go out and

471
00:24:33,520 --> 00:24:35,159
Speaker 1: we're waiting for the bus to get to the airport

472
00:24:35,200 --> 00:24:36,920
Speaker 1: and I said, hey, did you buy a couple? He goes, yeah,

473
00:24:36,920 --> 00:24:39,520
Speaker 1: I did. And I didn't stop and go you didn't

474
00:24:39,520 --> 00:24:41,240
Speaker 1: think asked me or you weren't going to pay me

475
00:24:41,320 --> 00:24:44,600
Speaker 1: back for that, And so that was him starting to

476
00:24:44,640 --> 00:24:48,320
Speaker 1: test my boundaries. Then a few months later, when we

477
00:24:48,359 --> 00:24:51,600
Speaker 1: moved in together, my assistant said to me, you know,

478
00:24:51,680 --> 00:24:54,600
Speaker 1: he's using your FedEx number to send some business Fedexes.

479
00:24:55,200 --> 00:24:56,920
Speaker 1: And I mentioned it to him. He goes, oh, yeah, yeah,

480
00:24:56,920 --> 00:24:58,840
Speaker 1: I'll pay you back for it. No big deal. Well,

481
00:24:59,359 --> 00:25:01,560
Speaker 1: nine years later, he wrote himself a check for two

482
00:25:01,640 --> 00:25:03,880
Speaker 1: hundred thousand dollars on a line of credit I had

483
00:25:03,880 --> 00:25:07,480
Speaker 1: on my realistic because I gave all those little permission

484
00:25:07,640 --> 00:25:11,240
Speaker 1: all the way along. So having boundaries at the beginning

485
00:25:11,640 --> 00:25:15,200
Speaker 1: when you're in the heavy days of excitement is very important. Yeah.

486
00:25:15,240 --> 00:25:17,520
Speaker 1: I found out that a necklace that someone bought me

487
00:25:17,720 --> 00:25:20,480
Speaker 1: was a free gift from one of my Instagram people

488
00:25:20,520 --> 00:25:23,399
Speaker 1: that usually sends me jewelry, and and I'm like, are

489
00:25:23,480 --> 00:25:25,199
Speaker 1: you kidding so this I'm like, I'm so sorry that

490
00:25:25,240 --> 00:25:27,480
Speaker 1: this person d M do you for a gift for

491
00:25:27,560 --> 00:25:30,320
Speaker 1: me because they knew they were going to get it free. Like,

492
00:25:32,200 --> 00:25:34,199
Speaker 1: but that's why, because I know in the beginning you

493
00:25:34,280 --> 00:25:38,480
Speaker 1: have such a hard time allowing men to pay, or

494
00:25:38,520 --> 00:25:41,640
Speaker 1: anyone in general, but especially men. But like, that's such

495
00:25:41,680 --> 00:25:43,959
Speaker 1: a good point if from the very beginning you're just

496
00:25:44,040 --> 00:25:47,560
Speaker 1: like showing that that's your boundary, Like that that's why

497
00:25:47,600 --> 00:25:50,800
Speaker 1: these things happen. I know, that's so true. It's so true.

498
00:25:50,880 --> 00:25:54,560
Speaker 1: I'm always the one that's like paying. Yeah, you have

499
00:25:54,640 --> 00:25:56,960
Speaker 1: to let them pay at the beginning, because that one.

500
00:25:57,600 --> 00:26:00,679
Speaker 1: People work harder for something they invest in, whether they

501
00:26:00,720 --> 00:26:04,160
Speaker 1: invest time or money. They value it more when they

502
00:26:04,200 --> 00:26:06,320
Speaker 1: do a little bit investment and secondly, paying at the

503
00:26:06,359 --> 00:26:09,000
Speaker 1: beginning to emasculates them, so they have to find other

504
00:26:09,040 --> 00:26:12,680
Speaker 1: ways to exert their masculinity with maybe other women. So

505
00:26:13,920 --> 00:26:16,960
Speaker 1: it's really important that I always say, at the most

506
00:26:17,040 --> 00:26:21,320
Speaker 1: basic biological level, sperm chases egg, not the reverse, and

507
00:26:21,359 --> 00:26:23,240
Speaker 1: we have to give them the gift of the chase,

508
00:26:23,560 --> 00:26:25,320
Speaker 1: and then they will value us more and treat us

509
00:26:25,320 --> 00:26:28,760
Speaker 1: better when you use that sperm chases the egg. I

510
00:26:28,800 --> 00:26:31,320
Speaker 1: love that it's you know, it's so true. I think

511
00:26:31,359 --> 00:26:36,879
Speaker 1: there's sometimes I'm so available for the wrong person and

512
00:26:36,920 --> 00:26:38,879
Speaker 1: I'm almost like, I'm not going to pick up the

513
00:26:38,920 --> 00:26:41,760
Speaker 1: film when this person calls me to be because I'm like,

514
00:26:41,840 --> 00:26:44,080
Speaker 1: I'm just too available, and I think if I was

515
00:26:44,160 --> 00:26:46,560
Speaker 1: a little less available, like I would be. But then

516
00:26:46,560 --> 00:26:48,239
Speaker 1: I'm like, but then it's a game. I don't want

517
00:26:48,240 --> 00:26:52,880
Speaker 1: to play game, and like why women are bitches? Book

518
00:26:52,920 --> 00:26:55,080
Speaker 1: Like I get it, like be unavailable at the same time,

519
00:26:55,280 --> 00:26:56,840
Speaker 1: Like to me, I'm like, isn't that just playing a

520
00:26:56,880 --> 00:26:59,679
Speaker 1: game and not being who I am? But there's a game.

521
00:26:59,840 --> 00:27:02,840
Speaker 1: I would think of it as a negotiation. You know.

522
00:27:03,200 --> 00:27:07,040
Speaker 1: Commitment comes to the women who know how to negotiate commitment.

523
00:27:07,640 --> 00:27:10,439
Speaker 1: Believe me, there's no such thing as grooms magazines. This

524
00:27:10,480 --> 00:27:12,560
Speaker 1: guy is not spending his life thinking about the perfect

525
00:27:12,600 --> 00:27:14,800
Speaker 1: texedo he's going to wear down the aisle. It is

526
00:27:14,880 --> 00:27:18,200
Speaker 1: all created and manipulated by women, and the smart women

527
00:27:18,640 --> 00:27:23,840
Speaker 1: know how to keep their It's interesting because I was

528
00:27:23,880 --> 00:27:27,200
Speaker 1: having lunch recently. I have friends of every single social strata,

529
00:27:27,560 --> 00:27:30,639
Speaker 1: from literally you know, poor writers at the beach who

530
00:27:30,640 --> 00:27:33,560
Speaker 1: are surfers too, of people who own their own jets.

531
00:27:33,600 --> 00:27:35,440
Speaker 1: I'm just one of those people that walk through lots

532
00:27:35,440 --> 00:27:37,520
Speaker 1: of social class. And so I was having lunch with

533
00:27:37,600 --> 00:27:41,560
Speaker 1: some completely wealthy women in Miami recently. And I have

534
00:27:41,640 --> 00:27:46,040
Speaker 1: to say, during patriarchy, for women to extract resources from

535
00:27:46,119 --> 00:27:49,000
Speaker 1: men as a survival tactic was a very viable and

536
00:27:49,040 --> 00:27:51,000
Speaker 1: important And you know, I never looked down on a

537
00:27:51,000 --> 00:27:53,720
Speaker 1: woman who is a quote unquote gold digger because that's

538
00:27:53,720 --> 00:27:56,720
Speaker 1: the only way to survive during patriarchy for many historically.

539
00:27:57,000 --> 00:27:59,280
Speaker 1: So these women had never worked in their lives. Um,

540
00:27:59,400 --> 00:28:03,200
Speaker 1: they'd each have a couple of husbands. They were enormously wealthy,

541
00:28:03,280 --> 00:28:06,960
Speaker 1: with like houses on private islands, kind of wealthy. And um,

542
00:28:07,000 --> 00:28:09,320
Speaker 1: I said to them, like, don't you feel guilty never

543
00:28:09,480 --> 00:28:14,439
Speaker 1: paying for anything, and they said, no, when he hasn't

544
00:28:14,440 --> 00:28:17,720
Speaker 1: a meal with me, he's paying for my time, and

545
00:28:17,800 --> 00:28:22,160
Speaker 1: my time is valuable. And I was like, whoa because

546
00:28:22,200 --> 00:28:25,040
Speaker 1: I was always missed independent, trying to be fifty fifty

547
00:28:25,160 --> 00:28:27,560
Speaker 1: pick up checks because I always had a career, and

548
00:28:27,560 --> 00:28:29,879
Speaker 1: they were like, no, no, no, he's paying for my

549
00:28:30,000 --> 00:28:34,320
Speaker 1: presence and having me with him, and that is valuable. Damn,

550
00:28:34,320 --> 00:28:36,000
Speaker 1: I gotta go Miami and have like a lesson with

551
00:28:36,040 --> 00:28:42,800
Speaker 1: these girls time. Yeah, but that's like, that's kind of right.

552
00:28:43,760 --> 00:28:45,560
Speaker 1: I mean, I don't like the fact of not working

553
00:28:45,600 --> 00:28:47,239
Speaker 1: like I have to work, and I liked I like

554
00:28:47,600 --> 00:28:52,080
Speaker 1: to be UM. But I will say I don't think

555
00:28:52,120 --> 00:28:55,440
Speaker 1: I can. I can never date someone that isn't Uh,

556
00:28:57,280 --> 00:28:59,640
Speaker 1: I don't know. I need to choose my words correctly.

557
00:28:59,640 --> 00:29:02,800
Speaker 1: I'm this, they need to be successful in their own

558
00:29:02,920 --> 00:29:07,160
Speaker 1: right because I feel like I've taken our data other

559
00:29:07,200 --> 00:29:10,720
Speaker 1: people that weren't and then and then I I but

560
00:29:10,960 --> 00:29:12,360
Speaker 1: me as the person like I want to care and

561
00:29:12,400 --> 00:29:14,200
Speaker 1: I want to give, but then I just get taken

562
00:29:14,240 --> 00:29:16,880
Speaker 1: advantage of exactly I did that all the way along

563
00:29:16,920 --> 00:29:20,240
Speaker 1: because I always was the successful one. Um. And this

564
00:29:20,360 --> 00:29:23,120
Speaker 1: is the plight of where we are in the mating marketplace.

565
00:29:23,200 --> 00:29:26,080
Speaker 1: Right now, in the Western culture, we are seeing an

566
00:29:26,120 --> 00:29:30,200
Speaker 1: oversupply of successful women. The feminization of college campuses has

567
00:29:30,200 --> 00:29:32,640
Speaker 1: been going on for two decades now. I teach her

568
00:29:32,680 --> 00:29:37,280
Speaker 1: to college, that female. For every two guys that graduate

569
00:29:37,640 --> 00:29:41,040
Speaker 1: UM college, there are three women. Even medical schools are

570
00:29:41,760 --> 00:29:45,200
Speaker 1: now and so as a result, women have this Cinderella

571
00:29:45,240 --> 00:29:47,960
Speaker 1: complex in their head. They don't like to date down uh.

572
00:29:48,080 --> 00:29:50,880
Speaker 1: In fact, there was a sociologist in Scotland who coined

573
00:29:50,920 --> 00:29:54,160
Speaker 1: it the George Clooney effect. The more education a woman has,

574
00:29:54,200 --> 00:29:55,920
Speaker 1: the more money she makes, the more she wants her

575
00:29:55,960 --> 00:29:58,800
Speaker 1: man to make even more. And that's a very very

576
00:29:58,800 --> 00:30:02,720
Speaker 1: small population of men, right, And so this is the plight.

577
00:30:02,800 --> 00:30:08,320
Speaker 1: There's a mate crunch for successful women. So finding somebody

578
00:30:08,360 --> 00:30:12,520
Speaker 1: who either um has the self esteem to stand beside

579
00:30:12,600 --> 00:30:17,800
Speaker 1: us or has their own success is is work. It's

580
00:30:17,800 --> 00:30:19,960
Speaker 1: a competitive it's a competition. And that's why you need

581
00:30:20,040 --> 00:30:22,640
Speaker 1: to have skills to close that deal. It doesn't just

582
00:30:22,680 --> 00:30:27,640
Speaker 1: happen you close that deal. Close that I'm not going

583
00:30:27,680 --> 00:30:30,680
Speaker 1: to answer the phone today, So we're certain someone and

584
00:30:30,880 --> 00:30:34,440
Speaker 1: it starts. The deal starts now. But then in my mind,

585
00:30:34,760 --> 00:30:36,160
Speaker 1: this is where I go. I'm like, but then what

586
00:30:36,240 --> 00:30:38,760
Speaker 1: if he never calls again? And if I don't call back.

587
00:30:39,600 --> 00:30:41,840
Speaker 1: Because you think there's only one fish in the sea,

588
00:30:42,240 --> 00:30:44,880
Speaker 1: there are hundreds of thousands have been one thumb swipe away.

589
00:30:45,120 --> 00:30:48,280
Speaker 1: So that's the other positive thing about the mating marketplace, um,

590
00:30:48,400 --> 00:30:51,000
Speaker 1: is that there are just so many mates available. The

591
00:30:51,040 --> 00:30:54,600
Speaker 1: problem is human being suffered from something called a paradox

592
00:30:54,640 --> 00:30:57,960
Speaker 1: of choice, which means the more choice somebody is given,

593
00:30:58,400 --> 00:31:00,920
Speaker 1: the less likely they are to make a voice. When

594
00:31:00,960 --> 00:31:03,320
Speaker 1: they do make a choice in an environment like that,

595
00:31:03,640 --> 00:31:06,000
Speaker 1: they don't value it as much because they're thinking about

596
00:31:06,000 --> 00:31:08,520
Speaker 1: the bigger, better deal that could have gotten away. And

597
00:31:08,600 --> 00:31:12,280
Speaker 1: so what's really important is that women very early on

598
00:31:12,440 --> 00:31:18,040
Speaker 1: in the dating relationship create structure and boundaries and rules. So,

599
00:31:18,120 --> 00:31:21,240
Speaker 1: for instance, I tell women all the time the time

600
00:31:21,280 --> 00:31:25,200
Speaker 1: to ask for sexual exclusivity is before you have sex,

601
00:31:25,680 --> 00:31:29,120
Speaker 1: and the conversation should go like this, Hey, um, I'm

602
00:31:29,160 --> 00:31:31,560
Speaker 1: kind of into you, you're kind of into me. I'm

603
00:31:31,560 --> 00:31:33,920
Speaker 1: not asking you to be my boyfriend. I don't necessarily

604
00:31:33,920 --> 00:31:36,160
Speaker 1: know if I want to be your girlfriend yet, But

605
00:31:36,840 --> 00:31:39,840
Speaker 1: while we're getting to know each other and exploring this,

606
00:31:40,280 --> 00:31:42,960
Speaker 1: I would like to move into a physical relationship, but

607
00:31:43,040 --> 00:31:45,200
Speaker 1: I'd like to know I'm the only one you're having

608
00:31:45,200 --> 00:31:48,080
Speaker 1: sex with. But if you already had sex before, like

609
00:31:49,520 --> 00:31:52,320
Speaker 1: that conversation and the barn door is open. I like,

610
00:31:52,360 --> 00:31:54,440
Speaker 1: I had a caller to my radio show Lesson and

611
00:31:54,480 --> 00:31:57,479
Speaker 1: I who said she dated somebody for five months and

612
00:31:57,520 --> 00:32:01,680
Speaker 1: then asked him was he seeing anybody else? And I'm like, yeah,

613
00:32:01,680 --> 00:32:03,520
Speaker 1: a little late, and he got mad and said, what

614
00:32:03,600 --> 00:32:07,640
Speaker 1: are you asking? So you got you? So then once

615
00:32:07,640 --> 00:32:10,320
Speaker 1: you start having sex and you're continuing to audition and

616
00:32:10,360 --> 00:32:14,200
Speaker 1: evaluate him, then a few months into that, then you

617
00:32:14,320 --> 00:32:17,160
Speaker 1: ask you have the one are we conversation? But if

618
00:32:17,200 --> 00:32:23,560
Speaker 1: women men are not going to have that conversation. They

619
00:32:23,600 --> 00:32:26,040
Speaker 1: want to sail through life with no rules. We're the

620
00:32:26,040 --> 00:32:27,880
Speaker 1: only ones that create the structure in the rules. It's

621
00:32:27,920 --> 00:32:31,120
Speaker 1: our job. Biologically we are wired to do this. Now,

622
00:32:31,320 --> 00:32:34,560
Speaker 1: I'm not saying that women can't have casual sex and

623
00:32:34,560 --> 00:32:37,360
Speaker 1: that women can't hook up, but not if they're trying

624
00:32:37,400 --> 00:32:39,200
Speaker 1: to close a deal with a long term mate. It's

625
00:32:39,200 --> 00:32:43,520
Speaker 1: a whole different Okay, Okay, So that that's that's where

626
00:32:43,520 --> 00:32:46,880
Speaker 1: I needed to hear that. Okay, So okay, okay, because

627
00:32:46,880 --> 00:32:49,960
Speaker 1: I was okay, got it. So if hot girl sum

628
00:32:49,960 --> 00:32:53,040
Speaker 1: returns into something I've actually wanted to be, and that's

629
00:32:53,320 --> 00:32:56,000
Speaker 1: a conversation. But women think that they can convert a

630
00:32:56,000 --> 00:32:59,880
Speaker 1: hook up into a boyfriend. It's very difficult to do

631
00:32:59,920 --> 00:33:02,800
Speaker 1: with great situation. Ships and friends with benefits don't convert.

632
00:33:03,160 --> 00:33:05,480
Speaker 1: So you've got to start out from the beginning. Now

633
00:33:05,760 --> 00:33:09,160
Speaker 1: you can have some guy on the side before you

634
00:33:09,200 --> 00:33:11,160
Speaker 1: start having sex with the guy that you want a

635
00:33:11,160 --> 00:33:13,840
Speaker 1: long term relationship with while you're just dating him and

636
00:33:13,880 --> 00:33:15,760
Speaker 1: making him wait and wait this. Women have done this

637
00:33:15,800 --> 00:33:18,840
Speaker 1: for millions of years. This is the strategy. One to

638
00:33:18,920 --> 00:33:22,200
Speaker 1: have a sneaky link and one to make weight because

639
00:33:22,280 --> 00:33:28,360
Speaker 1: he's valuable interesting. It's like she's in my little to

640
00:33:28,480 --> 00:33:33,200
Speaker 1: learn from her keep talking. I was okay. Imagine this

641
00:33:35,040 --> 00:33:39,960
Speaker 1: the age of eight, a news anchor and TV host

642
00:33:40,200 --> 00:33:43,920
Speaker 1: in Los Angeles, and I am sixty now, so imagine

643
00:33:43,960 --> 00:33:50,120
Speaker 1: how hot I was. And I dated every player, every

644
00:33:50,240 --> 00:33:55,080
Speaker 1: Super Bowl, ring, every Academy Award. I had a great time,

645
00:33:55,360 --> 00:33:57,240
Speaker 1: but I was also really in a lot of pain

646
00:33:57,360 --> 00:33:59,840
Speaker 1: because I couldn't figure out why these guys wouldn't commit.

647
00:34:00,160 --> 00:34:02,000
Speaker 1: So I put my mind to it and got a

648
00:34:02,080 --> 00:34:04,600
Speaker 1: master's and pH d in psychology and wrote three books

649
00:34:04,600 --> 00:34:07,160
Speaker 1: on relationships only so I could tell other women how

650
00:34:07,200 --> 00:34:09,960
Speaker 1: to do it well. I'll be sliding into a d

651
00:34:10,080 --> 00:34:11,920
Speaker 1: M S and about five minutes and giving you my

652
00:34:12,000 --> 00:34:18,200
Speaker 1: rundown so you can help me how tow my situations. Um,

653
00:34:18,200 --> 00:34:21,240
Speaker 1: but where can our listeners find you? Obviously you're on TikTok.

654
00:34:21,320 --> 00:34:24,000
Speaker 1: What's your name? Is it just Wendy Walsh? Everywhere it's

655
00:34:24,120 --> 00:34:26,920
Speaker 1: Dr Wendy Walsh. I really encourage people to join my

656
00:34:26,960 --> 00:34:29,440
Speaker 1: Patreon community. You can join as little as four dollars

657
00:34:29,440 --> 00:34:33,600
Speaker 1: a month patreon dot com slash Dr Wendy Walsh. Otherwise

658
00:34:33,680 --> 00:34:38,200
Speaker 1: I'm literally on every social media just d R Wendy Walsh.

659
00:34:38,280 --> 00:34:40,759
Speaker 1: And my radio show on I Heart Radio is on

660
00:34:40,880 --> 00:34:43,279
Speaker 1: k f I a M six forty every Sunday from

661
00:34:43,280 --> 00:34:48,239
Speaker 1: four to seven pm. I love that you're amazing, Cramer girl.

662
00:34:48,280 --> 00:34:50,120
Speaker 1: Will be sliding into your d M S and about

663
00:34:50,880 --> 00:34:55,160
Speaker 1: twenty minutes, I'm gonna give you the low down t

664
00:34:55,360 --> 00:34:58,440
Speaker 1: d you and my d M S and um, but

665
00:34:58,520 --> 00:35:00,480
Speaker 1: no serious to thank you. I appreciate you coming on

666
00:35:00,600 --> 00:35:18,239
Speaker 1: wind down. Good to meet you guys. Thanks. Oh my god,

667
00:35:18,280 --> 00:35:22,759
Speaker 1: I love her. She's so beautiful. I'm like I want

668
00:35:22,760 --> 00:35:26,879
Speaker 1: to be. I mean, she's too young to be my mom.

669
00:35:26,920 --> 00:35:29,840
Speaker 1: Well maybe if she had me young. Your mom's pretty

670
00:35:29,840 --> 00:35:37,840
Speaker 1: young and my mom's sixty. Fuh, she's Yeah, she's great.

671
00:35:37,880 --> 00:35:39,360
Speaker 1: I love it. I cannot wait to hear what she

672
00:35:39,400 --> 00:35:46,839
Speaker 1: has to say for advice for you, advice Also, statistics

673
00:35:46,880 --> 00:35:50,360
Speaker 1: are you know what those statistics are? I think statistics

674
00:35:50,440 --> 00:35:56,120
Speaker 1: are statistics? Statistics are? That was so wise of me. Um, No,

675
00:35:56,280 --> 00:35:59,480
Speaker 1: I don't think. I look at statistics and go okay.

676
00:36:00,400 --> 00:36:03,839
Speaker 1: I don't hold weight to to statistics. I really don't.

677
00:36:03,920 --> 00:36:07,919
Speaker 1: There's nothing that's ever because yeah, I just I don't.

678
00:36:07,920 --> 00:36:09,600
Speaker 1: I don't hold I don't hold any weight to that.

679
00:36:10,080 --> 00:36:12,920
Speaker 1: I mean there's truth to it. Obviously, Yes, it's harder

680
00:36:12,960 --> 00:36:16,640
Speaker 1: to financially hold up to households. I mean there's a

681
00:36:16,680 --> 00:36:18,320
Speaker 1: lot of truth to a lot of it. But also,

682
00:36:19,280 --> 00:36:22,520
Speaker 1: you know, when it comes to things like you should

683
00:36:22,520 --> 00:36:26,919
Speaker 1: stay in a marriage, a loveless marriage, Statistically, your kids

684
00:36:26,920 --> 00:36:30,720
Speaker 1: are going to be better. I sure, maybe the financial

685
00:36:30,719 --> 00:36:32,600
Speaker 1: stuff may be different, maybe the X Y and Z.

686
00:36:33,360 --> 00:36:36,480
Speaker 1: I don't think that they can go okay now their

687
00:36:36,480 --> 00:36:40,000
Speaker 1: future relationships, how how does statistically that benefit them or

688
00:36:40,920 --> 00:36:43,640
Speaker 1: or not benefit them? So that's where when's situation is

689
00:36:43,640 --> 00:36:46,799
Speaker 1: different and how it is after divorce. You know, both

690
00:36:46,800 --> 00:36:49,400
Speaker 1: of the parents still really involved, are they not really involved?

691
00:36:49,440 --> 00:36:52,400
Speaker 1: Does it be does it become a true single mom household,

692
00:36:52,400 --> 00:36:54,080
Speaker 1: doesn't not. I just think there's a lot to it,

693
00:36:54,280 --> 00:36:55,799
Speaker 1: for sure, you know, and I think it could all

694
00:36:55,800 --> 00:36:59,120
Speaker 1: look different. So you know, yeah, it's interesting. Yeah, it

695
00:36:59,200 --> 00:37:02,000
Speaker 1: is all very interesting because I I look at it

696
00:37:02,040 --> 00:37:09,319
Speaker 1: as a I mean, I don't love any of the things. Well,

697
00:37:09,680 --> 00:37:17,480
Speaker 1: how to say that I I hated? I should shoot,

698
00:37:17,520 --> 00:37:19,600
Speaker 1: I'm gonna say that. I'm back to I because Jolie

699
00:37:19,640 --> 00:37:21,880
Speaker 1: I I've started because she's she said there day I

700
00:37:21,920 --> 00:37:23,640
Speaker 1: hate I don't, No, baby, we don't hate my mom.

701
00:37:24,360 --> 00:37:26,160
Speaker 1: My mom d reeled it into my brain. We don't

702
00:37:26,280 --> 00:37:29,080
Speaker 1: hate anything. We just like it. We don't like it.

703
00:37:30,120 --> 00:37:33,120
Speaker 1: Um so that I've been really making sure too. I

704
00:37:33,160 --> 00:37:36,520
Speaker 1: catch myself saying anything with H word. I just know

705
00:37:36,640 --> 00:37:39,440
Speaker 1: I don't like that word. And I don't either, And

706
00:37:39,480 --> 00:37:42,280
Speaker 1: I didn't like coming out of her mouth either, especially

707
00:37:42,440 --> 00:37:46,239
Speaker 1: I'm like, honey, you know, I hate that. I don't

708
00:37:46,239 --> 00:37:50,560
Speaker 1: do that coming out of kids mouths. And now I

709
00:37:50,600 --> 00:37:53,440
Speaker 1: get it. Like my mom, I never understood that She's like, no, honey,

710
00:37:53,480 --> 00:37:56,120
Speaker 1: we don't hate her, we say we dislike her, and like,

711
00:37:56,160 --> 00:37:59,359
Speaker 1: what is the difference? Mom? But now I'm like, yeah,

712
00:38:00,000 --> 00:38:02,080
Speaker 1: now I get it. Thank you, mother for drilling that

713
00:38:02,160 --> 00:38:04,000
Speaker 1: into my brain, because now I don't say the h

714
00:38:04,080 --> 00:38:08,560
Speaker 1: A T E word. Um. What I was saying is is,

715
00:38:08,880 --> 00:38:13,440
Speaker 1: for example, when I got off the phone today with Mike, Now,

716
00:38:13,480 --> 00:38:15,440
Speaker 1: I've let a lot of things. I've done a lot

717
00:38:15,520 --> 00:38:17,960
Speaker 1: of work, I've thrown a lot of rocks into rivers

718
00:38:18,640 --> 00:38:21,520
Speaker 1: and cried a lot of tears, and I really dislike

719
00:38:21,520 --> 00:38:23,200
Speaker 1: a lot of the things that did in our relationship.

720
00:38:23,719 --> 00:38:26,680
Speaker 1: And at the same time, I like him more now

721
00:38:26,719 --> 00:38:28,880
Speaker 1: than I did in our marriage. Yeah, well, you were

722
00:38:28,920 --> 00:38:32,200
Speaker 1: in a toxic relationship, and so I think that that

723
00:38:32,680 --> 00:38:35,759
Speaker 1: is one of the exceptions to those statistics. For sure.

724
00:38:36,400 --> 00:38:38,640
Speaker 1: Without it out yours is for sure yea. And I

725
00:38:38,680 --> 00:38:40,160
Speaker 1: think he likes me better not to because I'm not

726
00:38:40,200 --> 00:38:44,000
Speaker 1: up his ass all the time. Hey, y'all like each

727
00:38:44,000 --> 00:38:47,200
Speaker 1: other a lot more now. If I start thinking about

728
00:38:47,200 --> 00:38:49,840
Speaker 1: the things that happened in our marriage, that's when I'm like, oh,

729
00:38:49,840 --> 00:38:52,160
Speaker 1: he can't be trusted. I can't trust him. But when

730
00:38:52,239 --> 00:38:55,600
Speaker 1: I can separate the man that I was married to

731
00:38:55,760 --> 00:38:57,960
Speaker 1: and him being a dad and just someone I'm co

732
00:38:58,000 --> 00:39:04,000
Speaker 1: parenting with. Fine, actually Key Moore, now, yeah, which is good. Yeah,

733
00:39:04,239 --> 00:39:06,000
Speaker 1: I have to just like that's when I'm like okay,

734
00:39:06,000 --> 00:39:08,120
Speaker 1: and then that's when I just have to continue to

735
00:39:08,120 --> 00:39:11,200
Speaker 1: do my work too, because my work now is not

736
00:39:11,239 --> 00:39:13,520
Speaker 1: really about him. It's just the stuff that the results

737
00:39:13,520 --> 00:39:19,799
Speaker 1: of the things that I was, uh, you know, things

738
00:39:19,840 --> 00:39:22,120
Speaker 1: that happened in our marriage, you know, right, So that's

739
00:39:22,160 --> 00:39:24,960
Speaker 1: like the things that like the fallout from X, Y

740
00:39:25,000 --> 00:39:28,080
Speaker 1: and Z. But yeah, I mean i's stay with you

741
00:39:28,120 --> 00:39:31,480
Speaker 1: and probably your X now. I mean we're still like

742
00:39:31,520 --> 00:39:33,560
Speaker 1: working on all the details and like getting along just

743
00:39:33,640 --> 00:39:36,919
Speaker 1: great minus that like one little like sunshine thing, which

744
00:39:36,920 --> 00:39:38,880
Speaker 1: by the way, I listened back to last six episode

745
00:39:38,880 --> 00:39:41,200
Speaker 1: and I was just like, go cat go, and then

746
00:39:41,239 --> 00:39:43,520
Speaker 1: I but here's here's the funny thing is it's like

747
00:39:43,560 --> 00:39:46,560
Speaker 1: called nick actually today because I was, I talked to

748
00:39:47,000 --> 00:39:48,960
Speaker 1: a business mancher. I'll tell you about it all afterwards.

749
00:39:49,680 --> 00:39:52,879
Speaker 1: But he sounded like piss should he listen to the boke?

750
00:39:54,080 --> 00:39:57,680
Speaker 1: I didn't ask out anywhere. We've been getting along, so okay,

751
00:39:57,680 --> 00:39:59,680
Speaker 1: I think about it. I was like, are you okay?

752
00:40:00,080 --> 00:40:02,319
Speaker 1: Was yeah? Why I was like, I just sound like

753
00:40:02,360 --> 00:40:06,080
Speaker 1: in a bad mood or something. It just I mean

754
00:40:06,120 --> 00:40:09,279
Speaker 1: I think that I was. It's fine. I think he knew.

755
00:40:10,000 --> 00:40:12,160
Speaker 1: I think he knew he shouldn't have and couldn't have

756
00:40:12,520 --> 00:40:14,960
Speaker 1: controlled that situation. You know how you do it, you

757
00:40:14,960 --> 00:40:16,799
Speaker 1: know how we do it. We try to control and

758
00:40:16,800 --> 00:40:18,239
Speaker 1: then you're like after that, like I had no right

759
00:40:18,239 --> 00:40:20,200
Speaker 1: I should try and control that situation. I'm just gonna

760
00:40:20,239 --> 00:40:22,680
Speaker 1: say I think he knew. Oh for sure. I mean

761
00:40:22,719 --> 00:40:26,360
Speaker 1: there's so many times I remember they're early co parenting,

762
00:40:26,400 --> 00:40:29,440
Speaker 1: where I would call Mike and be like can talk

763
00:40:29,480 --> 00:40:30,880
Speaker 1: to the kids, and he'd be out, and I'm like

764
00:40:31,040 --> 00:40:35,320
Speaker 1: you're out, yeah, and I would you know, you know,

765
00:40:35,400 --> 00:40:37,520
Speaker 1: text the queendom mean like I cannot believe it he's out,

766
00:40:37,520 --> 00:40:41,360
Speaker 1: and it's like I can't control it. Yeah, like I

767
00:40:41,440 --> 00:40:43,080
Speaker 1: can't control when he gets a babysitter or when he

768
00:40:43,120 --> 00:40:45,960
Speaker 1: doesn't get a babysitter or you know that's tough. Yeah,

769
00:40:46,000 --> 00:40:49,520
Speaker 1: that's already so yeah, oh yeah, right, oh yeah, just

770
00:40:49,520 --> 00:40:52,600
Speaker 1: because I want to control all of that. What is wrong?

771
00:40:53,480 --> 00:40:57,200
Speaker 1: What is that you always have in the marriage? You

772
00:40:57,280 --> 00:41:00,080
Speaker 1: controlled where the kids went, when they went there, and

773
00:41:00,160 --> 00:41:02,919
Speaker 1: they all of the above, and now for me half

774
00:41:02,920 --> 00:41:05,879
Speaker 1: the time. You I don't know of the time. Don't

775
00:41:05,920 --> 00:41:08,560
Speaker 1: get to control that. That's hard, so you have to

776
00:41:08,640 --> 00:41:11,960
Speaker 1: learn to live with that. I think it's also to like, well,

777
00:41:11,960 --> 00:41:13,279
Speaker 1: if I wouldn't known you went out, I would just

778
00:41:13,320 --> 00:41:18,239
Speaker 1: kept the kids here. Well yeah, so but that's not fair, right,

779
00:41:18,320 --> 00:41:20,279
Speaker 1: But isn't there kind of and correct me if I'm

780
00:41:20,320 --> 00:41:22,479
Speaker 1: wrong because I'm still learning all this, But it isn't

781
00:41:22,480 --> 00:41:26,239
Speaker 1: that part of first right of refusal though? Overnight? So

782
00:41:26,360 --> 00:41:29,520
Speaker 1: like I'm leaving for l A and only for overnights.

783
00:41:30,000 --> 00:41:32,960
Speaker 1: I believe in in in my thing is it's a

784
00:41:33,280 --> 00:41:37,040
Speaker 1: if it's Yeah, I believe it's if there if it's

785
00:41:37,040 --> 00:41:39,560
Speaker 1: an overnight, Okay, gotcha, I didn't know. We're still working

786
00:41:39,560 --> 00:41:41,520
Speaker 1: on our stuff, so yeah, but maybe now I'm gonna

787
00:41:41,520 --> 00:41:43,400
Speaker 1: have to look back on that. But I mean, shoot,

788
00:41:43,520 --> 00:41:44,960
Speaker 1: like when we go to dinner with a girl's like,

789
00:41:44,960 --> 00:41:46,480
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna be like I'm going out. It's like

790
00:41:46,520 --> 00:41:49,360
Speaker 1: it's too much like plans, Like you go out with

791
00:41:49,400 --> 00:41:52,920
Speaker 1: your friends, you make plans, you whatever. Um, But no,

792
00:41:53,040 --> 00:41:55,799
Speaker 1: I mean we definitely you know, and I will ask

793
00:41:55,840 --> 00:41:57,520
Speaker 1: And I was like, Hey, I'm gonna leave Wednesday, Now

794
00:41:57,600 --> 00:42:02,680
Speaker 1: do you want Wednesday. And but back to the thing though,

795
00:42:02,760 --> 00:42:06,480
Speaker 1: I think it's I have to pee as one thing

796
00:42:06,480 --> 00:42:08,360
Speaker 1: that scanned my brand is and then then all the

797
00:42:08,400 --> 00:42:13,040
Speaker 1: other thing is. Um. Yeah, I think it's about separating,

798
00:42:13,760 --> 00:42:17,359
Speaker 1: about separating control, about separating all of it, and just

799
00:42:18,680 --> 00:42:21,440
Speaker 1: if you get divorced, because I'm always gonna be like,

800
00:42:21,480 --> 00:42:24,839
Speaker 1: you deserve to be happy. Never stay for kids. Yeah,

801
00:42:25,040 --> 00:42:27,799
Speaker 1: and that's what I said. I don't think anyone should

802
00:42:27,800 --> 00:42:31,280
Speaker 1: stay in marriage just for their kids. I really don't, unless,

803
00:42:31,320 --> 00:42:34,640
Speaker 1: of course they're going to be homeless. Sure, well, yeah,

804
00:42:34,640 --> 00:42:37,840
Speaker 1: I definitely think that there are times for sure. I

805
00:42:37,840 --> 00:42:40,520
Speaker 1: mean I get it, I understand, but I think for

806
00:42:40,640 --> 00:42:43,160
Speaker 1: me too, it's kind of like, you know, I'm trying

807
00:42:43,200 --> 00:42:45,680
Speaker 1: to break a cycle, you know, and I think that's

808
00:42:45,719 --> 00:42:48,359
Speaker 1: important to me and it's worth, you know, going through

809
00:42:48,360 --> 00:42:50,799
Speaker 1: some of the pain and hardness to figure that out.

810
00:42:51,440 --> 00:42:54,280
Speaker 1: And listen, I stayed for the kids for six years,

811
00:42:55,040 --> 00:42:57,640
Speaker 1: so like, and I saw the negative benefits of me

812
00:42:57,719 --> 00:43:00,920
Speaker 1: saying yes, mine was a toxic relationship. But even so,

813
00:43:01,040 --> 00:43:03,200
Speaker 1: I mean, at the end of the day, I think

814
00:43:03,239 --> 00:43:06,719
Speaker 1: people deserve to be happy. You get one life, do

815
00:43:06,719 --> 00:43:08,560
Speaker 1: you want to live the rest? It won't wait till

816
00:43:08,560 --> 00:43:11,080
Speaker 1: I'm you know, till the kids go to college, so

817
00:43:11,120 --> 00:43:13,040
Speaker 1: you want to be miserable for the next Like that's

818
00:43:13,080 --> 00:43:15,719
Speaker 1: not a life for a like yes, look out for

819
00:43:15,760 --> 00:43:18,759
Speaker 1: your kids, but like look up for yourself. I don't know,

820
00:43:18,840 --> 00:43:21,480
Speaker 1: maybe that's just like totally a selfish like standpoint. But

821
00:43:21,920 --> 00:43:25,240
Speaker 1: and I think all circumstances are different for sure. But yes,

822
00:43:25,520 --> 00:43:29,000
Speaker 1: I think I'm yes, yes, yes, yes, yes the circumstances

823
00:43:29,120 --> 00:43:34,840
Speaker 1: and I've just not like allowing myself to have it.

824
00:43:34,880 --> 00:43:38,080
Speaker 1: So now I'm on this like love yourself, like you

825
00:43:38,120 --> 00:43:40,520
Speaker 1: shouldn't stay because I'm like, because I did for so long.

826
00:43:40,520 --> 00:43:43,120
Speaker 1: So now I'm like on that bandwagon because before I'm like,

827
00:43:43,760 --> 00:43:50,920
Speaker 1: the strong thing to do is stay like which it

828
00:43:51,200 --> 00:43:54,120
Speaker 1: can be, which it can be. And then also like

829
00:43:54,520 --> 00:43:56,120
Speaker 1: you know, I remember being the people who like it's

830
00:43:56,160 --> 00:43:59,160
Speaker 1: also strength to leave, you know, And I'm like and

831
00:43:59,160 --> 00:44:03,160
Speaker 1: then now I'm like, it's you know, So now I'm like,

832
00:44:04,640 --> 00:44:07,960
Speaker 1: so I think it's just I know, I haven't seen

833
00:44:07,960 --> 00:44:10,440
Speaker 1: you in so long since such a catch up we need.

834
00:44:10,560 --> 00:44:13,280
Speaker 1: We have so much to catch up on my little

835
00:44:13,960 --> 00:44:15,759
Speaker 1: time in l A. And I'm going back to l A.

836
00:44:15,960 --> 00:44:18,640
Speaker 1: And it's just so fun right now, I got one

837
00:44:18,640 --> 00:44:21,200
Speaker 1: more week of you know, the summer schedule, and then

838
00:44:21,239 --> 00:44:24,600
Speaker 1: I'm back to se It's like almost over. I know.

839
00:44:26,120 --> 00:44:32,600
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, but I'm very fortunate for s And I've

840
00:44:32,600 --> 00:44:34,880
Speaker 1: also enjoyed the week on week off and the summer

841
00:44:34,880 --> 00:44:37,960
Speaker 1: time because I've had so much fun. I'm glad you've

842
00:44:38,040 --> 00:44:42,439
Speaker 1: enjoyed it because I just remember this time last year

843
00:44:42,480 --> 00:44:45,000
Speaker 1: and how the thought of which even for me, I

844
00:44:45,200 --> 00:44:48,240
Speaker 1: thought of week on week off is a lot um

845
00:44:48,239 --> 00:44:51,640
Speaker 1: Now granted I had them for two weeks straight. Yeah,

846
00:44:52,480 --> 00:44:55,120
Speaker 1: and I've also had it hasn't really been a full

847
00:44:55,160 --> 00:44:57,080
Speaker 1: week each time mine. This is when they went to

848
00:44:57,120 --> 00:44:58,839
Speaker 1: the beach, but like, because they're still at my house,

849
00:44:58,920 --> 00:45:00,680
Speaker 1: Like he drops him off here and then someone comes

850
00:45:00,680 --> 00:45:02,839
Speaker 1: to watch the kids here for him, so I still

851
00:45:02,920 --> 00:45:05,400
Speaker 1: see them all the time. That makes a big difference

852
00:45:05,440 --> 00:45:08,200
Speaker 1: for sure. So that helped. And I also controlled that.

853
00:45:08,360 --> 00:45:10,440
Speaker 1: I was like, wouldn't it be so nice that the

854
00:45:10,520 --> 00:45:14,319
Speaker 1: kids came here? A little control things, but but it was.

855
00:45:14,360 --> 00:45:16,520
Speaker 1: It's good for the kids. For the kids, right, I'm

856
00:45:16,520 --> 00:45:18,880
Speaker 1: looking out for the kids. But hey, you're enjoying your summer.

857
00:45:19,040 --> 00:45:21,960
Speaker 1: I'm just really proud of you. Thank you. What's been

858
00:45:22,000 --> 00:45:27,040
Speaker 1: the next summer, we're going to like Abisa, I don't

859
00:45:27,080 --> 00:45:28,399
Speaker 1: even know that. Just isn't that like in a rap

860
00:45:28,440 --> 00:45:31,920
Speaker 1: song something like I don't even know where a visa is.

861
00:45:31,960 --> 00:45:34,120
Speaker 1: To be really quite honest with you, Hey Sirie, never

862
00:45:34,160 --> 00:45:40,520
Speaker 1: heard of it? Hey Siri, where's Abisa? Oh it's in Spain.

863
00:45:42,160 --> 00:45:45,680
Speaker 1: Wow I sound right now? Oh yeah, someone just goes Spain.

864
00:45:46,600 --> 00:45:49,279
Speaker 1: We're going to Spain. But we're gonna like, we're gonna

865
00:45:49,320 --> 00:45:51,719
Speaker 1: how girl the ship out of you next summer. It's

866
00:45:51,719 --> 00:45:54,960
Speaker 1: gonna be so much fun and I'll still be single,

867
00:45:55,080 --> 00:45:58,319
Speaker 1: so you're going to have to be Oh, I will

868
00:45:58,360 --> 00:46:03,200
Speaker 1: be I'll be good, Okay I promised. Um, well, this

869
00:46:03,239 --> 00:46:07,719
Speaker 1: was a really fun show and we need to catch

870
00:46:07,760 --> 00:46:11,360
Speaker 1: up off records. Sorry, guys, see you next week.