1 00:00:06,280 --> 00:00:11,520 Speaker 1: Welcome to Why Not Me? Embracing Autism and Mental Health Worldwide? 2 00:00:12,200 --> 00:00:19,720 Speaker 1: Hosted by Tony Mentor, broadcasting from the heart of Music City, USA, Nashville, Tennessee. 3 00:00:20,760 --> 00:00:24,840 Speaker 1: Join us as our guests share their raw, powerful stories. 4 00:00:25,400 --> 00:00:29,400 Speaker 1: Some will spark laughter, others will move you to tears. 5 00:00:30,360 --> 00:00:35,919 Speaker 1: These real life journeys inspire, connect and remind you that 6 00:00:36,000 --> 00:00:40,959 Speaker 1: you're never alone. We're igniting a global movement to empower 7 00:00:41,120 --> 00:00:46,240 Speaker 1: everyone to make a lasting difference by fostering deep awareness, 8 00:00:46,680 --> 00:00:52,760 Speaker 1: unwavering acceptance, and profound understanding of autism and mental health. 9 00:00:53,200 --> 00:00:57,720 Speaker 1: Tune in, be inspired, and join us in transforming the world, 10 00:00:58,040 --> 00:01:04,560 Speaker 1: one story at a time. Hi, I'm Tony Mantor. Welcome 11 00:01:04,600 --> 00:01:08,360 Speaker 1: to Why Not Me? Embracing Autism and Mental Health Worldwide. 12 00:01:08,680 --> 00:01:12,280 Speaker 1: Joining us today is Anne Grady. She is someone whose 13 00:01:12,319 --> 00:01:16,080 Speaker 1: work sits right at the intersection of empathy, lived experience, 14 00:01:16,160 --> 00:01:20,039 Speaker 1: and real world impact. She is an author, speaker, and advocate, 15 00:01:20,200 --> 00:01:23,560 Speaker 1: shining a light on autism and mental health not just 16 00:01:23,600 --> 00:01:27,720 Speaker 1: through research and theory, but through honesty, compassion, and lived truth. 17 00:01:27,920 --> 00:01:31,959 Speaker 1: Through her books and advocacy, she challenges the stigma around 18 00:01:31,959 --> 00:01:36,960 Speaker 1: neurodiversity and mental illness while giving voices to families, caregivers, 19 00:01:37,000 --> 00:01:41,560 Speaker 1: and individuals who are too often misunderstood or unheard. Her 20 00:01:41,600 --> 00:01:47,640 Speaker 1: work doesn't just educate, it humanizes. This conversation is about resilience, understanding, 21 00:01:47,880 --> 00:01:50,680 Speaker 1: and what it really means to support mental health and 22 00:01:50,760 --> 00:01:54,840 Speaker 1: autism with dignity and empathy. She has a great story. 23 00:01:55,080 --> 00:01:57,760 Speaker 1: So before we dive into our episode, we'll be back 24 00:01:57,800 --> 00:02:00,840 Speaker 1: with an uninterrupted show right out after a word from 25 00:02:00,840 --> 00:02:02,640 Speaker 1: our sponsors. Thanks for coming on. 26 00:02:02,920 --> 00:02:04,720 Speaker 2: Yeah, my pleasure. Thank you for having me. 27 00:02:04,880 --> 00:02:07,640 Speaker 3: This new book has given me an opportunity to share 28 00:02:07,680 --> 00:02:10,640 Speaker 3: Evan's story and some of my other stories in a 29 00:02:10,639 --> 00:02:12,640 Speaker 3: way that I hope resonates with your audience. 30 00:02:12,760 --> 00:02:14,240 Speaker 2: I hope will help somebody out there. 31 00:02:14,480 --> 00:02:16,680 Speaker 1: Yeah. I think that's great and I'm sure they're going 32 00:02:16,720 --> 00:02:18,919 Speaker 1: to love it if you would give us a little 33 00:02:18,919 --> 00:02:20,640 Speaker 1: backstory on your son. 34 00:02:21,040 --> 00:02:24,040 Speaker 3: So I knew something was wrong when I was pregnant. 35 00:02:24,240 --> 00:02:26,600 Speaker 3: My doctor joked that Evan would be a soccer player. 36 00:02:26,880 --> 00:02:30,600 Speaker 3: And when he was born, it was a very hard birth. 37 00:02:30,639 --> 00:02:34,440 Speaker 3: It was an emergency C section after months of pre 38 00:02:34,520 --> 00:02:37,079 Speaker 3: term labor. When he was born, the nurse came into 39 00:02:37,080 --> 00:02:38,840 Speaker 3: the room and she was like, honey, I have to 40 00:02:38,840 --> 00:02:39,280 Speaker 3: be honest. 41 00:02:39,360 --> 00:02:40,040 Speaker 2: I've been doing this. 42 00:02:40,000 --> 00:02:42,040 Speaker 3: For over thirty years, and I have never met a 43 00:02:42,040 --> 00:02:45,440 Speaker 3: baby this angry. It's insane, and I'm like, oh great, 44 00:02:45,480 --> 00:02:47,560 Speaker 3: that's the thing a first time mom wants to hear. 45 00:02:47,639 --> 00:02:47,839 Speaker 2: Right. 46 00:02:47,919 --> 00:02:51,840 Speaker 3: So Evan was born something not right, and nobody believed me. 47 00:02:52,120 --> 00:02:55,040 Speaker 3: I started him in early childhood intervention therapy when he 48 00:02:55,120 --> 00:02:57,560 Speaker 3: was eleven months old. His father left when he was 49 00:02:57,600 --> 00:03:00,800 Speaker 3: eighteen months old. So I found myself as a and 50 00:03:00,840 --> 00:03:03,200 Speaker 3: I'm consulting with all of these big companies and I'm 51 00:03:03,320 --> 00:03:06,600 Speaker 3: getting on stage and doing motivational talks. 52 00:03:06,240 --> 00:03:08,640 Speaker 2: And at home, I was just crumbling. I was overwhelmed. 53 00:03:08,680 --> 00:03:09,519 Speaker 2: I was exhausted. 54 00:03:09,760 --> 00:03:12,600 Speaker 3: And when Evan was three, he tried to kill me 55 00:03:12,800 --> 00:03:14,920 Speaker 3: for the first time. By the time he was four, 56 00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:17,560 Speaker 3: he was on his first antipsychotic, and then when he 57 00:03:17,639 --> 00:03:20,280 Speaker 3: was seven, he was in his first pediatric psych hospital. 58 00:03:20,320 --> 00:03:23,119 Speaker 3: And so I've spent my career. My master's was in 59 00:03:23,240 --> 00:03:25,400 Speaker 3: communication and organizational development. 60 00:03:25,560 --> 00:03:27,000 Speaker 2: I was already training. 61 00:03:26,680 --> 00:03:30,239 Speaker 3: And speaking and working with leaders, but this really shifted 62 00:03:30,240 --> 00:03:33,280 Speaker 3: my work from a place of reaction to a place 63 00:03:33,320 --> 00:03:36,600 Speaker 3: of resilience and really focusing on building that strength. And 64 00:03:36,640 --> 00:03:39,280 Speaker 3: then at some point I ended up with a tumor 65 00:03:39,320 --> 00:03:42,760 Speaker 3: in my salivary gland like it was twenty fourteen ish. 66 00:03:42,800 --> 00:03:45,080 Speaker 3: I ended up with facial paralysis and a whole bunch 67 00:03:45,120 --> 00:03:47,680 Speaker 3: of other things, and then I had double fusion back surgery, 68 00:03:47,720 --> 00:03:51,160 Speaker 3: and meanwhile Evan's in and out of hospitals and treatment centers. 69 00:03:51,280 --> 00:03:55,000 Speaker 3: I realized that, you know, resilience is wonderful, but it's survival, 70 00:03:55,080 --> 00:03:57,560 Speaker 3: it's not growth. And so that led me to write 71 00:03:57,560 --> 00:04:01,120 Speaker 3: my new book, Evolvability, Growing Forward when life goes sideways, 72 00:04:01,160 --> 00:04:03,480 Speaker 3: because I think for most of us life has gone 73 00:04:03,480 --> 00:04:06,320 Speaker 3: sideways on more than one occasion, and it's just a 74 00:04:06,360 --> 00:04:08,080 Speaker 3: skill set to navigate it. 75 00:04:08,240 --> 00:04:11,320 Speaker 1: Was he diagnosed with autism, serious mental illness or was 76 00:04:11,360 --> 00:04:12,400 Speaker 1: it both both? 77 00:04:12,680 --> 00:04:14,839 Speaker 3: It was so hard to get a diagnosis for him 78 00:04:14,840 --> 00:04:20,360 Speaker 3: because he has so many comorbidities, so ADHD, autism, severe 79 00:04:20,800 --> 00:04:25,839 Speaker 3: mental illness, you know, oppositional defiant disorder. He's high functioning autism, 80 00:04:25,839 --> 00:04:29,960 Speaker 3: but he has developmental delays. So probably age wise, he's 81 00:04:30,000 --> 00:04:32,640 Speaker 3: got three different ages. He's got his chronological age, which 82 00:04:32,680 --> 00:04:36,440 Speaker 3: is twenty two, he's got his socio emotional age, and 83 00:04:36,480 --> 00:04:38,640 Speaker 3: he's got his academic age. 84 00:04:38,720 --> 00:04:39,960 Speaker 2: And so it's just been a. 85 00:04:40,040 --> 00:04:42,760 Speaker 3: Lifelong for the last twenty two years, it's been a 86 00:04:42,839 --> 00:04:47,640 Speaker 3: journey of acceptance and growth and discomfort and trying to 87 00:04:47,640 --> 00:04:50,080 Speaker 3: find a way to, you know, turn that into a 88 00:04:50,120 --> 00:04:52,919 Speaker 3: meaningful lesson that people can apply without hopefully having to 89 00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:54,320 Speaker 3: go through all of that trauma. 90 00:04:54,480 --> 00:04:57,200 Speaker 1: Unfortunately, there is a stigma. I don't like to use 91 00:04:57,240 --> 00:05:01,760 Speaker 1: that word, I use perception about autism and serious mental illness. 92 00:05:02,000 --> 00:05:05,560 Speaker 1: How do you make people understand where neurodivergence ends and 93 00:05:05,600 --> 00:05:08,720 Speaker 1: mental health begins, and of course where they overlap. 94 00:05:08,960 --> 00:05:12,039 Speaker 3: It's a great question, and I'm not a psychiatrist or 95 00:05:12,040 --> 00:05:15,560 Speaker 3: a neurologist or a neuropsychiatrist, but I can tell you 96 00:05:15,839 --> 00:05:19,360 Speaker 3: with Evan it was so hard to differentiate and pick 97 00:05:19,400 --> 00:05:23,240 Speaker 3: those apart because the behaviors were also intertwined, so it 98 00:05:23,279 --> 00:05:28,040 Speaker 3: was virtually impossible. That's why he got his first autism 99 00:05:28,080 --> 00:05:32,640 Speaker 3: diagnosis at four. But then they thought, no, it's not autism, 100 00:05:32,680 --> 00:05:35,599 Speaker 3: it's just mental illness. And then they realized, nope, it's 101 00:05:35,600 --> 00:05:38,320 Speaker 3: not just mental illness, it's developmental delays. And then at 102 00:05:38,360 --> 00:05:41,640 Speaker 3: seventeen they're like, nope, it's absolutely autism. And so I 103 00:05:41,680 --> 00:05:44,360 Speaker 3: think the challenges it doesn't matter what the label is. 104 00:05:44,520 --> 00:05:47,040 Speaker 2: What matters is how you treat. 105 00:05:46,800 --> 00:05:49,880 Speaker 3: It and respond to it, and it's so sad because 106 00:05:50,160 --> 00:05:52,839 Speaker 3: you know, to your point, Texas has the least mental 107 00:05:52,880 --> 00:05:55,719 Speaker 3: health benefits of any state in the country. The slogan 108 00:05:55,800 --> 00:05:59,000 Speaker 3: here used to be thank God for Mississippi, but now 109 00:05:59,040 --> 00:06:02,039 Speaker 3: we are dead last. So it's just heartbreaking. Evan lives 110 00:06:02,080 --> 00:06:04,520 Speaker 3: two thousand miles away from me in Idaho because he 111 00:06:04,520 --> 00:06:07,040 Speaker 3: can get the services he needs there and he cannot 112 00:06:07,080 --> 00:06:08,000 Speaker 3: get them in Texas. 113 00:06:08,200 --> 00:06:10,599 Speaker 2: So yeah, it's a lot. 114 00:06:10,800 --> 00:06:14,240 Speaker 1: We always had this idea in our minds of what 115 00:06:14,360 --> 00:06:17,760 Speaker 1: we thought life could be, and of course what it 116 00:06:17,760 --> 00:06:20,400 Speaker 1: could be for our kids. What were the moments that 117 00:06:20,440 --> 00:06:24,000 Speaker 1: you were forced to unlearn the thoughts you had learned? 118 00:06:24,480 --> 00:06:27,320 Speaker 1: Then you had to look at things completely different than 119 00:06:27,360 --> 00:06:29,600 Speaker 1: what you was taught and how you was brought up 120 00:06:29,640 --> 00:06:30,200 Speaker 1: and raised. 121 00:06:30,440 --> 00:06:32,640 Speaker 3: I was in a support group, so I donate a 122 00:06:32,680 --> 00:06:35,080 Speaker 3: portion of all my book proceeds to the National Alliance 123 00:06:35,080 --> 00:06:37,400 Speaker 3: on Mental Illness, and I've been part of their classes 124 00:06:37,480 --> 00:06:40,400 Speaker 3: and support groups. Know me and one of the moms 125 00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:43,560 Speaker 3: in there showed me a pome about going to Holland. 126 00:06:43,640 --> 00:06:46,600 Speaker 3: And this person had planned this entire trip and they 127 00:06:46,640 --> 00:06:48,880 Speaker 3: planned this whole vacation and they ended up somewhere other 128 00:06:48,920 --> 00:06:50,880 Speaker 3: than Holland, and they're like, it doesn't mean it's a 129 00:06:50,880 --> 00:06:53,080 Speaker 3: bad vacation. It doesn't mean it's a bad place to go, 130 00:06:53,160 --> 00:06:55,000 Speaker 3: but it's just different than what you expected. 131 00:06:55,160 --> 00:06:56,760 Speaker 2: And so for me, this journey. 132 00:06:56,400 --> 00:07:00,359 Speaker 3: Of acceptance has not been It's not a steady state. 133 00:07:00,520 --> 00:07:02,000 Speaker 3: It happens in moments. 134 00:07:02,120 --> 00:07:02,280 Speaker 2: Right. 135 00:07:02,320 --> 00:07:05,279 Speaker 3: Evan was here over the Christmas holiday and we had 136 00:07:05,279 --> 00:07:09,159 Speaker 3: some moments where I slipped back into like non acceptance. 137 00:07:09,240 --> 00:07:11,680 Speaker 3: And so I think, I don't think anybody gets there 138 00:07:11,680 --> 00:07:12,880 Speaker 3: and lives there permanently. 139 00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:15,400 Speaker 2: I think it's a campslight we keep circling back to. 140 00:07:15,880 --> 00:07:18,000 Speaker 3: And the key is to go back to focusing your 141 00:07:18,120 --> 00:07:20,640 Speaker 3: energy on what you can control. And one of Evans 142 00:07:20,720 --> 00:07:22,800 Speaker 3: doctors said something to me once that really stuck with me. 143 00:07:22,840 --> 00:07:24,840 Speaker 3: He said, you know, you need to practice the art 144 00:07:24,880 --> 00:07:27,040 Speaker 3: of zen and I said, great, how do you define that? 145 00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:29,760 Speaker 3: And he said, it's knowing that you've done everything you 146 00:07:29,800 --> 00:07:32,600 Speaker 3: can and releasing yourself from the outcome. 147 00:07:32,840 --> 00:07:35,520 Speaker 2: And as parents, that's so hard to do because you 148 00:07:35,560 --> 00:07:36,400 Speaker 2: want to protect your. 149 00:07:36,360 --> 00:07:39,000 Speaker 3: Kids and just because he's twenty two, he's still likes 150 00:07:39,040 --> 00:07:41,560 Speaker 3: seven years old mentally, and it's hard to do that. 151 00:07:41,640 --> 00:07:45,920 Speaker 1: You know, Yeah, now you brought up resilience. Resilience is 152 00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:50,600 Speaker 1: sometimes misunderstood. Of course, some people have their definition. So 153 00:07:50,840 --> 00:07:55,040 Speaker 1: what does real resilience look like for you? Then let's 154 00:07:55,080 --> 00:07:57,600 Speaker 1: bring it to your son. How does it look for 155 00:07:57,760 --> 00:08:00,520 Speaker 1: him in getting through his autism and of course his 156 00:08:00,640 --> 00:08:01,760 Speaker 1: serious mental illness. 157 00:08:02,080 --> 00:08:05,400 Speaker 2: So everybody has a resilience buffer zone. 158 00:08:05,520 --> 00:08:08,240 Speaker 3: Right, life happens to you and you could have one 159 00:08:08,280 --> 00:08:11,120 Speaker 3: person who has a setback and it tables them, and 160 00:08:11,160 --> 00:08:13,640 Speaker 3: another person who has the same setback and they just 161 00:08:13,680 --> 00:08:18,040 Speaker 3: get back up. Right, So everybody, through genetics, through life experiences, 162 00:08:18,160 --> 00:08:22,760 Speaker 3: childhood experiences, everybody has a different size buffer and resilience. 163 00:08:22,920 --> 00:08:25,679 Speaker 3: You can't always reduce the stressors, but you can build 164 00:08:25,720 --> 00:08:28,760 Speaker 3: your capacity to absorb them in a way that doesn't 165 00:08:28,840 --> 00:08:30,480 Speaker 3: damage your health or your well being. 166 00:08:30,520 --> 00:08:32,839 Speaker 2: And that's how I view resilience. It's not just. 167 00:08:32,800 --> 00:08:36,480 Speaker 3: Getting back up, it's extracting, meaning it's understanding how to 168 00:08:36,600 --> 00:08:40,280 Speaker 3: use that discomfort to get stronger. For Evan, it's hard 169 00:08:40,360 --> 00:08:44,040 Speaker 3: because he doesn't understand a lot of that. So for 170 00:08:44,200 --> 00:08:47,720 Speaker 3: us we practice more of the skills of resilience rather 171 00:08:47,840 --> 00:08:49,400 Speaker 3: than calling them resilience. 172 00:08:49,480 --> 00:08:51,000 Speaker 2: They're just daily practices. 173 00:08:51,520 --> 00:08:54,520 Speaker 1: Sure. Now, in your books you talk about the brain 174 00:08:54,880 --> 00:08:58,120 Speaker 1: and various things. What do you wish people knew more 175 00:08:58,480 --> 00:09:03,120 Speaker 1: and understood more on how the autistic brain processes trauma 176 00:09:03,440 --> 00:09:07,120 Speaker 1: and then of course how mental illness processes it differently. 177 00:09:07,679 --> 00:09:08,160 Speaker 2: I think the. 178 00:09:08,240 --> 00:09:10,800 Speaker 3: Biggest thing to know is that way more people than 179 00:09:10,840 --> 00:09:13,440 Speaker 3: you think are on the autism spectrum. A lot of 180 00:09:13,480 --> 00:09:17,080 Speaker 3: people that I work with didn't even get diagnosed into 181 00:09:17,160 --> 00:09:19,559 Speaker 3: late adulthood, and so I think there are so many 182 00:09:19,600 --> 00:09:22,280 Speaker 3: people who don't even realize they're on the spectrum, and 183 00:09:22,320 --> 00:09:25,760 Speaker 3: the biggest challenges they see are with executive functioning skills, 184 00:09:25,760 --> 00:09:29,480 Speaker 3: This ability to put things in a greater context, to plan, 185 00:09:29,600 --> 00:09:33,880 Speaker 3: to problem solve, to recognize other's emotional state and be 186 00:09:33,920 --> 00:09:37,920 Speaker 3: able to regulate your own emotions, social cues, all of 187 00:09:37,960 --> 00:09:39,120 Speaker 3: those components. 188 00:09:39,200 --> 00:09:41,000 Speaker 2: And then you get into mental illness. 189 00:09:41,040 --> 00:09:44,839 Speaker 3: And it's also a spectrum, just like autism is, right, 190 00:09:44,920 --> 00:09:48,360 Speaker 3: so it's not like you're either bipolar or not depressed 191 00:09:48,440 --> 00:09:51,960 Speaker 3: or not. Lots of people experience symptoms. When it becomes 192 00:09:51,960 --> 00:09:54,520 Speaker 3: an illness is when it starts to impact your quality 193 00:09:54,559 --> 00:09:56,280 Speaker 3: of life, your relationships, your. 194 00:09:56,120 --> 00:09:57,080 Speaker 2: Ability to function. 195 00:09:57,559 --> 00:09:59,920 Speaker 3: I was diagnosed with clinical depression at the age of nine, 196 00:10:00,640 --> 00:10:03,640 Speaker 3: and trust me, the irony of a depressed motivational. 197 00:10:03,200 --> 00:10:04,480 Speaker 2: Speaker is not lost on me. 198 00:10:04,760 --> 00:10:08,480 Speaker 3: But a lot of people believe that it's weakness and 199 00:10:08,520 --> 00:10:12,000 Speaker 3: its biology. So I think there are some people who 200 00:10:12,080 --> 00:10:15,800 Speaker 3: use mental illness as an excuse. I'm depressed, I'm anxious, 201 00:10:16,160 --> 00:10:18,680 Speaker 3: Therefore I can't do dut dut dut dut dut. And 202 00:10:18,720 --> 00:10:21,880 Speaker 3: for many people that may be true initially, but for 203 00:10:22,000 --> 00:10:25,200 Speaker 3: most of us, we can start to practice these skills 204 00:10:25,200 --> 00:10:28,079 Speaker 3: and build these muscles. It doesn't take the illness away, 205 00:10:28,440 --> 00:10:31,560 Speaker 3: it doesn't change who you are fundamentally in your brain, 206 00:10:31,800 --> 00:10:36,040 Speaker 3: but it does start allowing you to practice skills that 207 00:10:36,160 --> 00:10:39,520 Speaker 3: help you recover faster, that help you feel better and 208 00:10:39,559 --> 00:10:40,120 Speaker 3: live better. 209 00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:43,440 Speaker 1: Now, if this next question is too personal, just tell 210 00:10:43,480 --> 00:10:46,760 Speaker 1: me no and we'll move on to something different. Okay, 211 00:10:47,160 --> 00:10:51,320 Speaker 1: you mentioned you were a single mother. Unfortunately, autistic parents 212 00:10:51,440 --> 00:10:55,040 Speaker 1: have a very high divorce rate. Was that part of 213 00:10:55,080 --> 00:10:58,280 Speaker 1: the reason that caused it? And if it was, how 214 00:10:58,280 --> 00:11:01,800 Speaker 1: did you handle it raising this autistic child that has 215 00:11:01,840 --> 00:11:03,520 Speaker 1: severe mental illness as well? 216 00:11:03,960 --> 00:11:05,240 Speaker 2: So it was part of it. 217 00:11:05,360 --> 00:11:10,040 Speaker 3: My ex husband was an alcoholic and thought that Evan's illness. 218 00:11:09,720 --> 00:11:12,880 Speaker 2: Was my parenting ability, as did our pediatrician. 219 00:11:13,000 --> 00:11:14,760 Speaker 3: Right like, if you were a better mom, if you 220 00:11:14,800 --> 00:11:17,240 Speaker 3: were more consistent than our kid would be fine, And 221 00:11:17,280 --> 00:11:21,559 Speaker 3: so I found myself in a place of sheer exhaustion. 222 00:11:21,920 --> 00:11:22,679 Speaker 2: I mean I was. 223 00:11:22,920 --> 00:11:25,320 Speaker 3: That's how I ended up with a tumor in my face, right, Like, 224 00:11:25,520 --> 00:11:27,920 Speaker 3: you just can't operate at that level of exhaustion. But 225 00:11:28,000 --> 00:11:31,800 Speaker 3: when I started to date, when I thought about getting remarried, 226 00:11:32,080 --> 00:11:34,440 Speaker 3: before I would ever go on a date with my husband, 227 00:11:34,520 --> 00:11:37,240 Speaker 3: We've now been married for sixteen years, but before I 228 00:11:37,240 --> 00:11:39,480 Speaker 3: would even go on a date with him, I told 229 00:11:39,520 --> 00:11:42,280 Speaker 3: him all about Evan. I explained it after we were 230 00:11:42,320 --> 00:11:44,760 Speaker 3: together for a while. Then I introduced him to Evan, 231 00:11:44,800 --> 00:11:46,960 Speaker 3: and I'll never forget it. It was one of our 232 00:11:47,280 --> 00:11:51,840 Speaker 3: first dates with Evan there and he had an absolute 233 00:11:51,880 --> 00:11:55,360 Speaker 3: and total meltdown in a restaurant, flipped a table, scared 234 00:11:55,360 --> 00:11:57,800 Speaker 3: all the people out, And so you're there trying to go. 235 00:11:58,000 --> 00:11:59,800 Speaker 3: I still really like you, and I still want to 236 00:11:59,840 --> 00:12:01,360 Speaker 3: date you, but I get it if you want to 237 00:12:01,440 --> 00:12:04,000 Speaker 3: leave now, because you've seen what this can look like. 238 00:12:04,160 --> 00:12:06,960 Speaker 3: So it's hard, and a lot of parents get divorced. 239 00:12:07,120 --> 00:12:10,040 Speaker 3: You blame each other, You run out of skills, you 240 00:12:10,120 --> 00:12:13,120 Speaker 3: run out of energy when you're going on empty, when 241 00:12:13,160 --> 00:12:16,280 Speaker 3: you're just trying to survive the day, it is incredibly 242 00:12:16,360 --> 00:12:19,760 Speaker 3: difficult to pour time and energy into the relationship, and 243 00:12:19,880 --> 00:12:22,839 Speaker 3: relationships need time and energy and work. And when you're 244 00:12:22,880 --> 00:12:25,560 Speaker 3: giving all of that energy to your kids because you're 245 00:12:25,559 --> 00:12:28,320 Speaker 3: just trying to survive, it's very difficult to make time 246 00:12:28,559 --> 00:12:31,960 Speaker 3: for yourself. One of Evan's therapists told us very early on, 247 00:12:32,240 --> 00:12:34,360 Speaker 3: my husband Jay and I that we needed to have 248 00:12:34,440 --> 00:12:36,160 Speaker 3: a date night once a week where we did not 249 00:12:36,280 --> 00:12:38,560 Speaker 3: talk about kids, we did not talk about work. We 250 00:12:38,640 --> 00:12:40,720 Speaker 3: work together too now, so it was you know, you 251 00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:42,760 Speaker 3: don't talk about work, you don't talk about kids, and 252 00:12:42,800 --> 00:12:45,560 Speaker 3: you realize very quickly in a relationship how much of 253 00:12:45,600 --> 00:12:49,079 Speaker 3: your daily interactions boil down to logistics, you know, scheduling 254 00:12:49,160 --> 00:12:51,040 Speaker 3: and what we're going to do for dinner and how 255 00:12:51,040 --> 00:12:52,760 Speaker 3: we're going to get from here to there. And that 256 00:12:52,920 --> 00:12:55,679 Speaker 3: was really helpful for us because it forced us to 257 00:12:55,760 --> 00:12:59,840 Speaker 3: find other sides of us that we could nurture and build. 258 00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:03,280 Speaker 1: When did you stop and decide, you know what? I 259 00:13:03,400 --> 00:13:04,679 Speaker 1: have to write a book about this. 260 00:13:07,320 --> 00:13:09,640 Speaker 2: In twenty twelve. 261 00:13:09,920 --> 00:13:13,600 Speaker 3: So Evan's first hospitalization was in twenty ten, and one 262 00:13:13,600 --> 00:13:15,440 Speaker 3: of the ways I tried to cope with that we 263 00:13:15,480 --> 00:13:17,720 Speaker 3: lived at the Ronald McDonald house for two months, and 264 00:13:17,760 --> 00:13:20,960 Speaker 3: I basically had to leave my home, my job, my 265 00:13:21,040 --> 00:13:23,800 Speaker 3: everything to go be at the hospital with him. And 266 00:13:24,120 --> 00:13:26,680 Speaker 3: one of the ways I started coping without was writing 267 00:13:26,679 --> 00:13:30,040 Speaker 3: a blog about our experiences, about what I was learning 268 00:13:30,320 --> 00:13:33,079 Speaker 3: about what we were going through, and people reached out 269 00:13:33,120 --> 00:13:35,480 Speaker 3: and would say, you know that it was so helpful 270 00:13:35,480 --> 00:13:38,160 Speaker 3: to them that they felt alone, that they didn't realize 271 00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:41,400 Speaker 3: other families were going through similar challenges, and so it 272 00:13:41,440 --> 00:13:45,520 Speaker 3: really just became a way to help myself therapeutically cathartically. 273 00:13:45,760 --> 00:13:48,040 Speaker 3: But as soon as I realized it had meaning and 274 00:13:48,120 --> 00:13:51,000 Speaker 3: value and helped other people. One of the greatest skills, 275 00:13:51,040 --> 00:13:53,760 Speaker 3: whether you're trying to grow or bounce back, is to 276 00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:57,840 Speaker 3: make meaning of challenging experiences. You know, they don't erase pain, 277 00:13:58,040 --> 00:14:00,920 Speaker 3: but they give it a purpose. And so it's like, Okay, 278 00:14:01,280 --> 00:14:04,240 Speaker 3: how do I use this to make meaning out of 279 00:14:04,280 --> 00:14:07,880 Speaker 3: a really tough situation that I didn't ask for, didn't want, 280 00:14:08,120 --> 00:14:10,360 Speaker 3: but have, So what do you do with it? Well, 281 00:14:10,679 --> 00:14:13,240 Speaker 3: I didn't want other families to have to do all 282 00:14:13,280 --> 00:14:15,880 Speaker 3: of the work to recreate that wheel if they didn't 283 00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:18,080 Speaker 3: have to, So I just started pouring it into books 284 00:14:18,080 --> 00:14:20,760 Speaker 3: and my first book came out in twenty fourteen. My 285 00:14:20,800 --> 00:14:23,960 Speaker 3: newest book, Evolvability, will be out in two weeks. And 286 00:14:24,120 --> 00:14:26,720 Speaker 3: so yeah, I've got four of them, and I just 287 00:14:26,920 --> 00:14:29,280 Speaker 3: am learning still. So every time I learn something, I 288 00:14:29,280 --> 00:14:32,280 Speaker 3: write it down so somebody else can learn from it 289 00:14:32,360 --> 00:14:32,800 Speaker 3: as well. 290 00:14:33,280 --> 00:14:35,840 Speaker 1: What's the response you've seen from the books. I'm sure 291 00:14:35,840 --> 00:14:36,840 Speaker 1: it must be pretty good. 292 00:14:37,160 --> 00:14:41,320 Speaker 2: I've been so incredibly grateful for the response. 293 00:14:41,400 --> 00:14:44,920 Speaker 3: You know. I'm in front of audiences ranging from corporate 294 00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:49,880 Speaker 3: audiences to nonprofit to government agencies. I work with leadership teams, 295 00:14:50,000 --> 00:14:52,880 Speaker 3: I work with small groups, large groups, everyone in between. 296 00:14:52,920 --> 00:14:55,240 Speaker 3: And so when I get to see all these folks 297 00:14:55,320 --> 00:14:57,400 Speaker 3: and they buy books and I get to sign them, 298 00:14:57,440 --> 00:15:00,320 Speaker 3: the beauty is we connect and they respond back and 299 00:15:00,360 --> 00:15:02,600 Speaker 3: they share with me feedback or I'll see them at 300 00:15:02,840 --> 00:15:04,920 Speaker 3: the next event. Because I work with most of my 301 00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:07,800 Speaker 3: clients on an ongoing basis, the thing that I hear 302 00:15:07,880 --> 00:15:10,360 Speaker 3: most is, well, it's funny, so it's easy to read. 303 00:15:10,520 --> 00:15:13,000 Speaker 2: I try to, you know, make it not too serious. 304 00:15:13,080 --> 00:15:15,960 Speaker 3: But the other thing is I take really complex neuroscience 305 00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:18,520 Speaker 3: and psychology and dumb it down to where I can 306 00:15:18,600 --> 00:15:20,960 Speaker 3: understand it. And so my thing is always talk to 307 00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:23,280 Speaker 3: me like I'm three years old, so I can understand it. 308 00:15:23,320 --> 00:15:25,360 Speaker 3: I don't need all the theory, I don't need all 309 00:15:25,360 --> 00:15:27,600 Speaker 3: of the background, but I do want to know what 310 00:15:27,640 --> 00:15:29,760 Speaker 3: the strategy is and how I practice it. So the 311 00:15:29,800 --> 00:15:31,600 Speaker 3: thing I hear is thank you for making me laugh, 312 00:15:31,720 --> 00:15:34,640 Speaker 3: thank you for making it simple to understand, and most importantly, 313 00:15:34,640 --> 00:15:37,440 Speaker 3: thank you for the really practical skills that I can 314 00:15:37,520 --> 00:15:39,680 Speaker 3: use at work or at home or anywhere in between. 315 00:15:40,080 --> 00:15:42,520 Speaker 1: Can you give us an example on how you take 316 00:15:42,600 --> 00:15:45,600 Speaker 1: things and make it more simple for people. This way 317 00:15:45,680 --> 00:15:48,560 Speaker 1: they'll get a better understanding about what you're talking about. 318 00:15:49,040 --> 00:15:49,360 Speaker 2: Sure. 319 00:15:49,480 --> 00:15:52,760 Speaker 3: So, if you think about the brain, there's so many 320 00:15:53,000 --> 00:15:56,840 Speaker 3: complexities that are involved with this amazing organ It boils 321 00:15:56,880 --> 00:15:59,880 Speaker 3: down to being a survival machine. Your brain is all 322 00:16:00,280 --> 00:16:02,400 Speaker 3: looking for ways to keep you alive. It doesn't care 323 00:16:02,440 --> 00:16:04,360 Speaker 3: if you're happy. It doesn't care if you're rested. It 324 00:16:04,360 --> 00:16:07,760 Speaker 3: doesn't care if you're in love or feel work life balance. 325 00:16:07,840 --> 00:16:10,240 Speaker 3: Your brain is only there to keep you alive, and 326 00:16:10,280 --> 00:16:13,800 Speaker 3: so to do that, it magnifies anything it perceives as 327 00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:16,640 Speaker 3: a threat. That could be a car careating at you, 328 00:16:16,840 --> 00:16:19,880 Speaker 3: or a snarky email in your inbox, and anytime that happens, 329 00:16:19,920 --> 00:16:22,760 Speaker 3: we lose the ability to regulate our emotions, We lose 330 00:16:22,800 --> 00:16:26,320 Speaker 3: the ability to problem solve, to have our immune system 331 00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:31,200 Speaker 3: function effectively, to regulate ourselves to any higher level thinking 332 00:16:31,400 --> 00:16:35,920 Speaker 3: is impossible when you're disregulated. And so I teach people 333 00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:40,120 Speaker 3: how to use that understanding of the brain to shift 334 00:16:40,160 --> 00:16:42,520 Speaker 3: the way it works, because you can change your brain 335 00:16:42,640 --> 00:16:43,760 Speaker 3: just like any other muscle. 336 00:16:43,880 --> 00:16:44,800 Speaker 2: You just have to know how. 337 00:16:45,360 --> 00:16:47,840 Speaker 1: What do you tell people when they're struggling. What is 338 00:16:47,880 --> 00:16:50,600 Speaker 1: the first step they do? How do they get from 339 00:16:50,800 --> 00:16:55,400 Speaker 1: a panic number ten to maybe a panic level of 340 00:16:55,520 --> 00:16:56,560 Speaker 1: five or better. 341 00:16:56,880 --> 00:16:58,560 Speaker 3: The first thing is to know it's okay not to 342 00:16:58,600 --> 00:17:01,840 Speaker 3: be okay. You know, in this happiness culture, it's like 343 00:17:01,920 --> 00:17:04,040 Speaker 3: ten or eleven billion dollars a year just in the 344 00:17:04,160 --> 00:17:06,480 Speaker 3: US alone, and your brain's not supposed to be happy 345 00:17:06,480 --> 00:17:08,200 Speaker 3: all the time. So what I find is that when 346 00:17:08,200 --> 00:17:11,159 Speaker 3: people are struggling, they feel like they're broken, and we 347 00:17:11,320 --> 00:17:15,040 Speaker 3: mistake discomfort for danger. So part of it is understanding 348 00:17:15,359 --> 00:17:19,200 Speaker 3: that just because you feel stress and anxiety and overwhelmed, 349 00:17:19,280 --> 00:17:21,480 Speaker 3: just because it feels bad, doesn't mean it is bad. 350 00:17:21,720 --> 00:17:24,840 Speaker 3: It's changing your relationship with the discomfort. So, for example, 351 00:17:24,920 --> 00:17:27,320 Speaker 3: one of the things that I believe is the reason 352 00:17:27,359 --> 00:17:30,200 Speaker 3: my face recovered. I had facial paralysis as a result 353 00:17:30,240 --> 00:17:33,080 Speaker 3: of this avocado sized tumor at my salivary gland, and 354 00:17:33,119 --> 00:17:35,120 Speaker 3: the doctor said, your nerve is too far gone. 355 00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:36,159 Speaker 2: It's not going to recover. 356 00:17:36,320 --> 00:17:38,440 Speaker 3: And I said, well, can you give me some physical 357 00:17:38,480 --> 00:17:39,960 Speaker 3: therapy practices. 358 00:17:39,520 --> 00:17:41,879 Speaker 2: Something I can do? And he said, I want you 359 00:17:41,880 --> 00:17:43,040 Speaker 2: to practice gratitude. 360 00:17:43,080 --> 00:17:45,320 Speaker 3: And I was like, seriously, come on, like I need 361 00:17:45,320 --> 00:17:48,840 Speaker 3: physical therapy, not a gratitude practice. Like he you know, 362 00:17:48,880 --> 00:17:51,120 Speaker 3: he knows that this is my field, and so he said, 363 00:17:51,119 --> 00:17:52,399 Speaker 3: go research it for a month. 364 00:17:52,440 --> 00:17:53,120 Speaker 2: I want you to go. 365 00:17:53,160 --> 00:17:56,679 Speaker 3: Research the academic studies related to gratitude and then you 366 00:17:56,720 --> 00:17:58,439 Speaker 3: come back and you tell me what you think. So 367 00:17:58,520 --> 00:18:00,960 Speaker 3: I did, and you know, there are thousands of studies 368 00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:03,320 Speaker 3: that document the physical and mental health benefits of it. 369 00:18:03,400 --> 00:18:05,199 Speaker 2: Just looking for something to be grateful for. 370 00:18:05,400 --> 00:18:08,000 Speaker 3: Drops cortis all the stress hormone by twenty three percent, 371 00:18:08,119 --> 00:18:10,360 Speaker 3: and so it retrains your brain to look for what's 372 00:18:10,400 --> 00:18:12,480 Speaker 3: right instead of what's wrong. Now, I can't prove that's 373 00:18:12,520 --> 00:18:15,080 Speaker 3: why my facial nerve recovered, but I am telling you 374 00:18:15,160 --> 00:18:17,399 Speaker 3: I integrated it into my day, so it wasn't like 375 00:18:17,480 --> 00:18:18,200 Speaker 3: an extra thing. 376 00:18:18,200 --> 00:18:19,160 Speaker 2: I started practicing. 377 00:18:19,160 --> 00:18:21,240 Speaker 3: While I brushed my teeth in the morning and at night, 378 00:18:21,480 --> 00:18:23,320 Speaker 3: I think of three things that are. 379 00:18:23,160 --> 00:18:26,240 Speaker 2: Going right in my life and why I'm grateful for them. 380 00:18:26,640 --> 00:18:27,600 Speaker 2: I'm not even kidding. 381 00:18:27,600 --> 00:18:30,760 Speaker 3: Within three or four months, my face came back after 382 00:18:30,800 --> 00:18:33,359 Speaker 3: they said it wouldn't. Now obviously I can't. You know, 383 00:18:33,440 --> 00:18:37,280 Speaker 3: it's not causation necessarily. But what gratitude does is it 384 00:18:37,280 --> 00:18:39,480 Speaker 3: puts your brain in a state of safety. And so 385 00:18:39,800 --> 00:18:42,320 Speaker 3: for Evan, you know, every day, I'm like, tell me 386 00:18:42,359 --> 00:18:44,560 Speaker 3: the best thing that happened to you today, Tell me 387 00:18:44,640 --> 00:18:46,199 Speaker 3: one thing you're proud of yourself for. 388 00:18:46,440 --> 00:18:48,800 Speaker 2: Tell me one thing you're excited about tomorrow. 389 00:18:48,920 --> 00:18:51,399 Speaker 3: And it doesn't take the hard stuff away, but it 390 00:18:51,440 --> 00:18:54,119 Speaker 3: does train your brain to offset it by looking for 391 00:18:54,160 --> 00:18:57,359 Speaker 3: the good stuff as well. And that's a really powerful 392 00:18:57,440 --> 00:19:00,240 Speaker 3: shift in not only your body chemistry, but your mental 393 00:19:00,320 --> 00:19:01,359 Speaker 3: health and your well being. 394 00:19:01,840 --> 00:19:05,720 Speaker 1: Looking back, now, you're an author, you're a speaker. Of course, 395 00:19:05,880 --> 00:19:10,119 Speaker 1: you're a mother. What message do you hope that families 396 00:19:10,200 --> 00:19:13,520 Speaker 1: who are walking the same path that you are walking 397 00:19:13,880 --> 00:19:16,440 Speaker 1: or you have walk what do you hope that they get? 398 00:19:16,680 --> 00:19:20,919 Speaker 1: And of course understand when they feel invisible, judged, or 399 00:19:21,440 --> 00:19:23,160 Speaker 1: just out of options. 400 00:19:22,920 --> 00:19:25,199 Speaker 2: One it would be give yourself some grace. 401 00:19:25,920 --> 00:19:28,080 Speaker 3: I mean we do it as professionals, but as parents 402 00:19:28,080 --> 00:19:31,159 Speaker 3: we compare ourselves to everyone under the sun. Well, you know, 403 00:19:31,320 --> 00:19:33,640 Speaker 3: little Bobby over there seems to be getting a long 404 00:19:33,680 --> 00:19:36,400 Speaker 3: finding class. I must be doing something wrong as a mom. 405 00:19:36,640 --> 00:19:39,320 Speaker 3: I think the first thing is to give yourself some grace. 406 00:19:39,440 --> 00:19:41,080 Speaker 2: You are doing the very best. 407 00:19:40,880 --> 00:19:43,720 Speaker 3: You can with the resources you have available right now. 408 00:19:43,880 --> 00:19:45,720 Speaker 3: If we could do better, we would do better. Right. 409 00:19:45,800 --> 00:19:47,879 Speaker 3: So one is give yourself some grace because it's a 410 00:19:47,920 --> 00:19:50,640 Speaker 3: hard situation and nobody has a roadmap. 411 00:19:50,920 --> 00:19:54,000 Speaker 2: The other would be to anchor yourself in what matters most. 412 00:19:54,400 --> 00:19:57,800 Speaker 3: So what we did for our family is we decided 413 00:19:57,840 --> 00:20:00,960 Speaker 3: on three values that we wanted to go our behavior. 414 00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:04,320 Speaker 3: What are the values that when decisions get hard? And 415 00:20:04,359 --> 00:20:07,000 Speaker 3: I'll give you an example. When Evan was fifteen years old, 416 00:20:07,119 --> 00:20:09,360 Speaker 3: we had to make probably the hardest decision I've ever 417 00:20:09,440 --> 00:20:11,240 Speaker 3: had to make in his life or in my life. 418 00:20:11,280 --> 00:20:11,960 Speaker 2: He was not. 419 00:20:12,000 --> 00:20:14,119 Speaker 3: Safe, We were not safe, our daughter was not safe. 420 00:20:14,160 --> 00:20:17,560 Speaker 3: We were exhausted, and I went to a psychiatrist and 421 00:20:17,600 --> 00:20:19,440 Speaker 3: I said, look, I feel like I'm failing. I don't 422 00:20:19,440 --> 00:20:22,080 Speaker 3: want to send him away, but there's no programs in Texas. 423 00:20:22,119 --> 00:20:24,200 Speaker 3: The only thing we can find that will take him 424 00:20:24,280 --> 00:20:26,280 Speaker 3: and be good for him is an IDAHO. I don't 425 00:20:26,320 --> 00:20:28,120 Speaker 3: want to send my baby away and use our life 426 00:20:28,119 --> 00:20:30,920 Speaker 3: savings to do it. And he said, well, what's important 427 00:20:30,920 --> 00:20:33,560 Speaker 3: to you? I said, well, our family. Family is my 428 00:20:33,680 --> 00:20:36,600 Speaker 3: number one value and he said, okay, what choice would 429 00:20:36,600 --> 00:20:40,080 Speaker 3: reflect that? And when you make decisions out of stress 430 00:20:40,080 --> 00:20:43,800 Speaker 3: and exhaustion, it's so hard for your brain. Making decisions 431 00:20:43,880 --> 00:20:47,680 Speaker 3: under pressure is exhausting. When you know what your values are, 432 00:20:48,160 --> 00:20:50,840 Speaker 3: it doesn't make hard decisions go away, but it does 433 00:20:50,920 --> 00:20:54,280 Speaker 3: make them clear. What would someone who values their family 434 00:20:54,359 --> 00:20:56,760 Speaker 3: do in this situation? What kind of parent do I 435 00:20:56,800 --> 00:20:59,000 Speaker 3: want to be? And what would that parent do in 436 00:20:59,040 --> 00:21:02,639 Speaker 3: this situation. So you're faced with so many decisions, so 437 00:21:02,720 --> 00:21:06,879 Speaker 3: many problems to solve, such limited resources. I would say, 438 00:21:07,119 --> 00:21:11,440 Speaker 3: join a support group, take classes, educate yourself. Surround yourself 439 00:21:11,520 --> 00:21:13,360 Speaker 3: with people who are kind. I can't tell you how 440 00:21:13,359 --> 00:21:16,000 Speaker 3: many friends I had to let go of because of 441 00:21:16,080 --> 00:21:19,480 Speaker 3: the judgment, because well, everybody else's. 442 00:21:19,200 --> 00:21:19,919 Speaker 2: Kids are fine. 443 00:21:20,000 --> 00:21:22,520 Speaker 3: I'm not sure what your issue is, but I had 444 00:21:22,520 --> 00:21:24,560 Speaker 3: to let go of those people in my life. You 445 00:21:24,640 --> 00:21:27,920 Speaker 3: have to surround yourself with people who will accept. 446 00:21:27,520 --> 00:21:30,360 Speaker 2: You and your family as you are, and be patient 447 00:21:30,440 --> 00:21:30,719 Speaker 2: with you. 448 00:21:31,240 --> 00:21:34,240 Speaker 3: And it's hard to do, but give yourself grace, frame 449 00:21:34,280 --> 00:21:37,760 Speaker 3: your decisions and your values, and make time if you're 450 00:21:37,760 --> 00:21:40,760 Speaker 3: in a partnership with somebody else, especially when you're in 451 00:21:40,800 --> 00:21:44,000 Speaker 3: a partnership, make time for that relationship, no matter what 452 00:21:44,040 --> 00:21:46,120 Speaker 3: you have to do. Before we could afford it, we 453 00:21:46,240 --> 00:21:48,960 Speaker 3: hired somebody. We found him on care dot com and 454 00:21:49,080 --> 00:21:51,560 Speaker 3: he ended up being our savior. His name was Michael, 455 00:21:51,600 --> 00:21:53,760 Speaker 3: and he was in our house six days a week, 456 00:21:53,800 --> 00:21:55,680 Speaker 3: and we couldn't even afford to pay him. 457 00:21:55,680 --> 00:21:57,360 Speaker 2: At one point. He was just doing it. 458 00:21:57,320 --> 00:21:59,760 Speaker 3: Out of the goodness of his heart. But you need respite, 459 00:22:00,080 --> 00:22:02,120 Speaker 3: can't run on empty right. 460 00:22:02,280 --> 00:22:07,720 Speaker 1: Right now, you have written four books. Tell us about 461 00:22:07,720 --> 00:22:11,000 Speaker 1: the books where they can find them, and of course 462 00:22:11,480 --> 00:22:12,679 Speaker 1: where they can find you. 463 00:22:13,440 --> 00:22:15,880 Speaker 3: So all of my books are on Amazon. I've got 464 00:22:15,960 --> 00:22:18,560 Speaker 3: fifty two strategies for life, love, and work. These are 465 00:22:19,040 --> 00:22:22,960 Speaker 3: two to three page strategies with action items on each. 466 00:22:22,800 --> 00:22:24,720 Speaker 2: One in a variety of different areas. 467 00:22:24,760 --> 00:22:28,000 Speaker 3: Strong Enough Choose, Encourage, Resilience and Triumph is based on 468 00:22:28,040 --> 00:22:30,320 Speaker 3: my ted top Mind over Moment Harness. 469 00:22:30,359 --> 00:22:33,000 Speaker 2: The Power of Resilience is my third. 470 00:22:32,760 --> 00:22:34,960 Speaker 3: Book, and then My newest coming out in a couple 471 00:22:35,000 --> 00:22:38,560 Speaker 3: of weeks is Evolvability Growing Forward when life goes sideways, 472 00:22:38,560 --> 00:22:42,600 Speaker 3: and it's a six pillar framework for adapting, leading, and 473 00:22:42,680 --> 00:22:45,840 Speaker 3: thriving when life does not go according to plan. They're 474 00:22:45,880 --> 00:22:49,040 Speaker 3: all in Amazon and you can find me at annngradygroup 475 00:22:49,160 --> 00:22:49,800 Speaker 3: dot com. 476 00:22:50,000 --> 00:22:52,800 Speaker 1: Tell us again, where did you say that your son 477 00:22:52,880 --> 00:22:53,600 Speaker 1: is living now? 478 00:22:53,960 --> 00:22:55,760 Speaker 2: He lives in Idaho and a group home. 479 00:22:56,280 --> 00:22:59,119 Speaker 1: How has that worked out for you being that far away? 480 00:22:59,520 --> 00:23:01,720 Speaker 1: Has it held? We helped? What kind of difference can 481 00:23:01,760 --> 00:23:04,399 Speaker 1: you see? And how is he doing? 482 00:23:04,960 --> 00:23:08,359 Speaker 3: It helped in that it gave me some perspective, some 483 00:23:08,520 --> 00:23:11,200 Speaker 3: space to be able to see things clearly. But it's 484 00:23:11,320 --> 00:23:13,880 Speaker 3: hard because I miss him, you know, and we don't 485 00:23:13,880 --> 00:23:15,600 Speaker 3: see him as often as we'd like. I think last 486 00:23:15,640 --> 00:23:17,639 Speaker 3: year we saw him five or six times. Is it 487 00:23:17,720 --> 00:23:19,960 Speaker 3: helping him? It's helping him to feel like he has 488 00:23:20,000 --> 00:23:23,280 Speaker 3: independence and autonomy. He lives with two roommates, he has 489 00:23:23,320 --> 00:23:26,439 Speaker 3: twenty four hour staff. I am beyond blessed that we 490 00:23:26,440 --> 00:23:28,480 Speaker 3: were able to find this program because I've been on 491 00:23:28,480 --> 00:23:31,080 Speaker 3: a waiting list in Texas over twenty years to have 492 00:23:31,160 --> 00:23:34,280 Speaker 3: similar services, and we're still thirty thousand on the list. 493 00:23:34,480 --> 00:23:37,040 Speaker 3: I think it's better for him because he doesn't feel 494 00:23:37,040 --> 00:23:37,520 Speaker 3: like he's. 495 00:23:37,359 --> 00:23:39,560 Speaker 2: Being rancormanaged by mom and dad. 496 00:23:39,680 --> 00:23:42,760 Speaker 3: And I think it's given us some space to focus 497 00:23:42,800 --> 00:23:46,080 Speaker 3: on our own mental health and our own physical health. 498 00:23:46,160 --> 00:23:49,359 Speaker 3: Because you spend so much time caring for whoever it 499 00:23:49,440 --> 00:23:51,679 Speaker 3: is that you're caring for as a caregiver role, that 500 00:23:51,760 --> 00:23:54,879 Speaker 3: it's easy to end up depleted, and it forced us 501 00:23:54,880 --> 00:23:56,960 Speaker 3: to take a step back. You know, a week after 502 00:23:57,000 --> 00:23:59,399 Speaker 3: he went to that school, my husband fell off a 503 00:23:59,440 --> 00:24:03,000 Speaker 3: ladder and broke his hip, his arm, and his ribs. 504 00:24:03,160 --> 00:24:05,120 Speaker 3: When we went to the er, the doctor said, did 505 00:24:05,160 --> 00:24:07,960 Speaker 3: you have something emotional happen lately? And we said, yeah, 506 00:24:07,960 --> 00:24:10,200 Speaker 3: we had to take our son two thousand miles away 507 00:24:10,200 --> 00:24:12,680 Speaker 3: and leave him at a boarding school because. 508 00:24:12,400 --> 00:24:13,600 Speaker 2: We can't care for him. 509 00:24:13,880 --> 00:24:17,679 Speaker 3: And the er doctor said, most falls happen after an 510 00:24:17,680 --> 00:24:20,480 Speaker 3: emotional incident because you're literally off balance. 511 00:24:20,720 --> 00:24:23,200 Speaker 2: So it's given us time to get our balance back. 512 00:24:23,440 --> 00:24:26,480 Speaker 1: Of course, having that balance in life is very crucial. 513 00:24:27,119 --> 00:24:29,639 Speaker 1: Have you noticed a big change in him now that 514 00:24:29,760 --> 00:24:33,120 Speaker 1: he's living where he's at. I'm sure he's on medications 515 00:24:33,160 --> 00:24:36,720 Speaker 1: and hopefully they're working. So have you seen an improvement 516 00:24:36,880 --> 00:24:39,960 Speaker 1: in him? And do you think his life is better 517 00:24:40,000 --> 00:24:40,359 Speaker 1: for it. 518 00:24:40,520 --> 00:24:44,840 Speaker 3: Well, he's stable, So I mean, your definition of success 519 00:24:44,960 --> 00:24:47,280 Speaker 3: changes as a parent with a kid with special needs. 520 00:24:47,400 --> 00:24:49,399 Speaker 2: I started out going, okay, so he won't be a 521 00:24:49,400 --> 00:24:50,320 Speaker 2: doctor or a lawyer. 522 00:24:50,320 --> 00:24:52,399 Speaker 3: That's okay, all right, Well, so he won't go to 523 00:24:52,440 --> 00:24:53,680 Speaker 3: an ivy league school, that's okay. 524 00:24:53,760 --> 00:24:55,600 Speaker 2: So he'll go to a community college's okay. So he 525 00:24:55,640 --> 00:24:58,040 Speaker 2: won't go to college. Okay, so he'll still have a job. Okay, 526 00:24:58,080 --> 00:24:59,040 Speaker 2: So we won't have a job. 527 00:24:59,040 --> 00:25:01,720 Speaker 3: But at least he's not in jail, he's not on drugs, 528 00:25:01,720 --> 00:25:02,439 Speaker 3: he's not drinking. 529 00:25:02,560 --> 00:25:03,880 Speaker 2: Your bar changes. 530 00:25:04,200 --> 00:25:07,720 Speaker 3: The good news is that he's not aggressive, violent, or 531 00:25:07,760 --> 00:25:11,080 Speaker 3: out of control anymore. The bad news is that he 532 00:25:11,600 --> 00:25:14,120 Speaker 3: doesn't really want to get out of bed or participate 533 00:25:14,160 --> 00:25:17,560 Speaker 3: in life, So he spends an inordinate amount of time 534 00:25:17,640 --> 00:25:20,320 Speaker 3: lying in bed and you know, looking at his phone, 535 00:25:20,400 --> 00:25:22,320 Speaker 3: and there are staff that try to get him up 536 00:25:22,320 --> 00:25:24,159 Speaker 3: and moving. You know, we try to get him up 537 00:25:24,200 --> 00:25:26,879 Speaker 3: and moving, but that's been our greatest challenge and it, 538 00:25:27,040 --> 00:25:29,119 Speaker 3: you know, still is a daily struggle to get him 539 00:25:29,160 --> 00:25:32,000 Speaker 3: to brush his teeth and take a bath and all 540 00:25:32,040 --> 00:25:35,600 Speaker 3: of those basic things that your kids just do until 541 00:25:35,720 --> 00:25:36,160 Speaker 3: they don't. 542 00:25:36,520 --> 00:25:39,639 Speaker 1: Right you're out on the talk circuit. You're doing what 543 00:25:39,720 --> 00:25:43,000 Speaker 1: you do. What does your life look like now being 544 00:25:43,040 --> 00:25:46,480 Speaker 1: out there and advocating to help the people that need 545 00:25:46,520 --> 00:25:47,160 Speaker 1: their help. 546 00:25:47,119 --> 00:25:48,159 Speaker 2: Well, it's you know. 547 00:25:48,320 --> 00:25:52,160 Speaker 3: I after Evan left, I have a lot of good 548 00:25:52,160 --> 00:25:54,719 Speaker 3: friends who I was like, I'm going to start a nonprofit, 549 00:25:54,760 --> 00:25:56,600 Speaker 3: I'm going to do a podcast. I'm going to like 550 00:25:56,880 --> 00:25:59,280 Speaker 3: we moved out into the middle of the country, Like 551 00:25:59,359 --> 00:26:01,359 Speaker 3: we sold our house in Austin and I have this 552 00:26:01,560 --> 00:26:04,440 Speaker 3: small ranch in the middle of nowhere with donkeys and cows. 553 00:26:04,800 --> 00:26:07,000 Speaker 3: I had all of these plans to do more and 554 00:26:07,000 --> 00:26:10,080 Speaker 3: more and more, and then I realized that sometimes stillness 555 00:26:10,119 --> 00:26:11,080 Speaker 3: is the only way to heal. 556 00:26:11,359 --> 00:26:12,399 Speaker 2: I do a lot of events. 557 00:26:12,440 --> 00:26:15,560 Speaker 3: I travel, I speak, I do training in professional development, 558 00:26:15,640 --> 00:26:19,200 Speaker 3: I do virtual programs. But I'm still in the mode 559 00:26:19,200 --> 00:26:22,600 Speaker 3: of trying to heal, and so I advocate as much 560 00:26:22,600 --> 00:26:24,800 Speaker 3: as I can. At my speaking events, I talk about 561 00:26:24,800 --> 00:26:27,800 Speaker 3: mental health. I try to reduce the stigma of mental illness. 562 00:26:27,920 --> 00:26:30,359 Speaker 3: I serve as a sounding board for so many people 563 00:26:30,400 --> 00:26:32,919 Speaker 3: and mentor a lot of people who are struggling. But 564 00:26:33,200 --> 00:26:36,200 Speaker 3: I'm still in my own phase of healing and evolution 565 00:26:36,359 --> 00:26:38,320 Speaker 3: and trying to figure it out too I think we're 566 00:26:38,359 --> 00:26:39,680 Speaker 3: all just doing the best we can. 567 00:26:40,240 --> 00:26:42,520 Speaker 1: That's all you can do, is the best you can do. 568 00:26:43,000 --> 00:26:45,680 Speaker 1: Are you advocating to the legislators and the people in 569 00:26:45,720 --> 00:26:47,800 Speaker 1: your state that can help make change. 570 00:26:48,160 --> 00:26:51,520 Speaker 3: Absolutely, I've testified in front of the Texas legislature. I'm 571 00:26:51,640 --> 00:26:54,840 Speaker 3: very involved with, you know, making sure that I'm writing 572 00:26:55,160 --> 00:26:58,520 Speaker 3: my congressman, writing my senator, making sure that I'm advocating 573 00:26:58,560 --> 00:27:00,800 Speaker 3: for these mental health bills to pass, because I think 574 00:27:00,840 --> 00:27:03,720 Speaker 3: when you're standing in a legislative session, it's one thing 575 00:27:03,760 --> 00:27:06,119 Speaker 3: to hear it on paper. It's another thing to have 576 00:27:06,240 --> 00:27:09,320 Speaker 3: your child not have a bed available because you can't 577 00:27:09,320 --> 00:27:11,600 Speaker 3: get him into a psych hospital. I mean, the only 578 00:27:11,640 --> 00:27:14,120 Speaker 3: way Evan had a psychotic break in twenty twenty one, 579 00:27:14,600 --> 00:27:16,760 Speaker 3: he was in the er. He had injured himself, he 580 00:27:16,760 --> 00:27:20,000 Speaker 3: had injured staff, and neither of the two psych hospitals 581 00:27:20,040 --> 00:27:20,680 Speaker 3: would take him. 582 00:27:21,000 --> 00:27:23,439 Speaker 2: One had no beds. One said he was too severe 583 00:27:23,800 --> 00:27:26,439 Speaker 2: and if he couldn't get a bed, then he'd be discharged. 584 00:27:26,480 --> 00:27:29,320 Speaker 2: He wasn't better, but he'd be discharged. What I want 585 00:27:29,320 --> 00:27:30,800 Speaker 2: people to understand. 586 00:27:30,320 --> 00:27:34,040 Speaker 3: Is that you have to advocate for people who can't 587 00:27:34,080 --> 00:27:38,680 Speaker 3: advocate for themselves. That also means small things like being 588 00:27:38,800 --> 00:27:41,639 Speaker 3: kind to people when they're struggling. Right, you don't know 589 00:27:41,680 --> 00:27:44,200 Speaker 3: what anybody else is going through. We're all doing the 590 00:27:44,320 --> 00:27:46,320 Speaker 3: very best we can. So it's not just enough to 591 00:27:46,400 --> 00:27:50,800 Speaker 3: advocate at the highest level. You're advocating in daily interactions 592 00:27:50,920 --> 00:27:53,679 Speaker 3: for people who might not be able to advocate for themselves. 593 00:27:53,880 --> 00:27:57,080 Speaker 1: Right Right, Is there anything else you'd like to tell 594 00:27:57,119 --> 00:28:00,359 Speaker 1: our listeners about what it is that you're trying to do. 595 00:28:01,000 --> 00:28:05,520 Speaker 3: I think my biggest takeaway would be don't mistake discomfort 596 00:28:05,720 --> 00:28:08,639 Speaker 3: for danger or something to be avoided. 597 00:28:08,840 --> 00:28:10,400 Speaker 2: That's where the growth happens. 598 00:28:10,560 --> 00:28:13,920 Speaker 3: If you feel uncomfortable, take the next step, like take 599 00:28:13,960 --> 00:28:16,679 Speaker 3: one action, reclaim your sense of agency. 600 00:28:17,160 --> 00:28:18,400 Speaker 2: Anything that you can do. 601 00:28:18,520 --> 00:28:22,080 Speaker 3: To fuel your energy or at least keep it from draining, 602 00:28:22,200 --> 00:28:24,560 Speaker 3: like most of us are attached to this five inch 603 00:28:24,600 --> 00:28:26,520 Speaker 3: piece of hardware with no pulse. 604 00:28:26,760 --> 00:28:28,800 Speaker 2: Right, it's a simple mental health strategy. 605 00:28:28,840 --> 00:28:30,760 Speaker 3: Sleep with your phone in a different room, and if 606 00:28:30,760 --> 00:28:32,920 Speaker 3: you're saying, well, it's my alarm clock, they make those. 607 00:28:33,080 --> 00:28:35,600 Speaker 3: There are things that you can do daily, micro habits 608 00:28:35,640 --> 00:28:37,760 Speaker 3: that you can take, and I outline a ton of 609 00:28:37,800 --> 00:28:40,000 Speaker 3: them in this book because I wish somebody had been 610 00:28:40,000 --> 00:28:42,200 Speaker 3: able to hand me, you know, a guide to say, 611 00:28:42,240 --> 00:28:46,240 Speaker 3: here's what you can do to protect yourself mentally, physically, emotionally. 612 00:28:46,640 --> 00:28:50,760 Speaker 3: So anytime you're uncomfortable, you're building the capacity to build 613 00:28:50,800 --> 00:28:53,400 Speaker 3: resilience and to go to your next level of evolution. 614 00:28:53,800 --> 00:28:56,520 Speaker 2: Embrace the discomfort. Sit in the suck. It's not comfortable, 615 00:28:56,600 --> 00:28:58,040 Speaker 2: but it's where all the growth happens. 616 00:28:58,400 --> 00:29:03,080 Speaker 1: Yeah. Absolutely, well, this has been great, great information, great conversation. 617 00:29:03,400 --> 00:29:06,400 Speaker 1: I really appreciate your taking the time to join us today. 618 00:29:06,640 --> 00:29:09,520 Speaker 3: Thank you for all of your advocacy work and bringing 619 00:29:09,560 --> 00:29:13,280 Speaker 3: awareness and I absolutely love your show and I appreciate 620 00:29:13,320 --> 00:29:14,320 Speaker 3: what you're doing in this world. 621 00:29:14,400 --> 00:29:15,360 Speaker 2: So thank you for having me. 622 00:29:15,480 --> 00:29:24,800 Speaker 1: Oh it's been my pleasure. Thanks again, thanks for taking 623 00:29:24,840 --> 00:29:27,400 Speaker 1: time out of your busy schedule to listen to our 624 00:29:27,440 --> 00:29:31,120 Speaker 1: show today. We hope you enjoyed it as much as 625 00:29:31,160 --> 00:29:35,080 Speaker 1: we enjoyed bringing it to you. If you know someone 626 00:29:35,160 --> 00:29:38,600 Speaker 1: who has a story to share, tell them to contact 627 00:29:38,680 --> 00:29:43,800 Speaker 1: us at why notm dot world. One last thing, Spread 628 00:29:43,840 --> 00:29:49,480 Speaker 1: the word about why Not me, our conversations, our inspiring guests, 629 00:29:50,000 --> 00:29:53,760 Speaker 1: the show. You are not alone in this world.