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Speaker 1: Hi everybody. Hello, Hi Catherine, Hi, how are you hi.

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Speaker 1: It's the holiday season. It's upon us. It's in it.

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Speaker 1: We're in it. It's in us, Yes it is. I'm

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Speaker 1: actually recording today from my niece's room. So it's very

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Speaker 1: decorated with waterflies. Well, why don't I see any there's

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Speaker 1: there's some Okay, yeah, it seems like you were exaggerating

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Speaker 1: there for a minute. Doesn't seem that decorated with butterflies

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Speaker 1: and you know, I mean like fluffy things. Yeah, yeah,

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Speaker 1: well that's what nieces are for, right, huh huh. You

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Speaker 1: will never catch me recording this podcast out of my

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Speaker 1: niece's bedroom, So I would like to say thank you

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Speaker 1: in advance for that happening. Okay, So today's guests, we

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Speaker 1: have a couple that is coming. This is a couple

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Speaker 1: who are non binary and polyamorous, and they speak a

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Speaker 1: lot about the relationship. So I thought it would be

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Speaker 1: a great opportunity for us all to get a little

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Speaker 1: bit more edgemicated. Today's guests are Nico torture Rella and

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Speaker 1: Bethany C. Myers. Nico is an actor that you may

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Speaker 1: recognize from the Walking Dead, World Beyond Younger and an

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Speaker 1: upcoming indie drama called The Ma Machine Family. And Bethany

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Speaker 1: is the founder and CEO of the Become Project. You

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Speaker 1: can follow her on Instagram at the b dot c

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Speaker 1: O m E Project, which is a body neutral movement

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Speaker 1: and fitness program. So those are our guest today and

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Speaker 1: I was very very honored to introduce them. Hello, Bethany

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Speaker 1: and Nico, Thank you guys for coming down to this

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Speaker 1: podcast in New York City. No, Lass, Yeah, I'm excited

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Speaker 1: to have you. I've seen a couple of things that

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Speaker 1: you guys have spoken about, and I'm so excited to

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Speaker 1: talk to you about your relationship and your careers. And

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Speaker 1: in this time, I know that you must get sick

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Speaker 1: and tired of having to explain your relationship to people

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Speaker 1: who don't know. But of course it is so beneficial

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Speaker 1: for our listeners to have a better understanding of what

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Speaker 1: polyamory means, of what not identifying with a certain gender means,

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Speaker 1: you know. So I know that you probably feel like

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Speaker 1: an educative onus on your back, but I mean it's

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Speaker 1: it's great that you're willing to talk about it and

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Speaker 1: kind of let people understand have a better understanding of

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Speaker 1: what that means. So let's talk. First of all, I

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Speaker 1: know you just changed your pronouns. Right, you identify as

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Speaker 1: they them, and you recently changed it to her right

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Speaker 1: they she they she? Okay, sorry, they she? And why

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Speaker 1: did you change that? Yeah? So originally I always us

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Speaker 1: she her pronouns. You know, hadn't really known anything else

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Speaker 1: than like, several years ago, I started using they them pronouns.

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Speaker 1: Really liked the way that it felt. And I feel

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Speaker 1: like this switch to they she is for many different reasons.

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Speaker 1: I think in part, I was kind of tired of

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Speaker 1: educating people, and I think in my work that I do,

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Speaker 1: I really liked allow people a space to be able

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Speaker 1: to have conversation and have nuanced conversation and get things

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Speaker 1: wrong without feeling really bad about it. And it starts

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Speaker 1: to feel like, you know, maybe somebody would use a

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Speaker 1: she her pronoun and then they would oh my god,

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Speaker 1: I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. And then I think

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Speaker 1: also for me, that felt really right. And I think

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Speaker 1: like for both NKO and I are, a relationship with

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Speaker 1: gender is so fluid, and in being fluid, it changes, right,

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Speaker 1: and so it kind of shifted for me. And I'm

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Speaker 1: sure we'll talk more about this later but we've been

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Speaker 1: trying to start a family. I've been trying to get pregnant.

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Speaker 1: It has been of a fucking annoying year. There's so

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Speaker 1: much that I learned that I feel like I should

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Speaker 1: have already known. We've been having a hard time, and

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Speaker 1: there's something that is like really connecting me very specifically

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Speaker 1: to the biology of my body, right and like uterus,

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Speaker 1: and like there's a piece of kind of maybe I

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Speaker 1: don't know if it's getting more in touch with that

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Speaker 1: or or connecting with that side that has allowed she

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Speaker 1: her pronouns to also feel good along with Favan pronouns.

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Speaker 1: We're definitely a house of all pronouns are welcome at

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Speaker 1: this point. I think language fails us across the board.

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Speaker 1: You know, well, I think people are drawn to it.

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Speaker 1: You were saying you were drawn to the pronouns without

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Speaker 1: using he or she to sexual identification, right as a

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Speaker 1: man or a woman born with those genes, right, you

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Speaker 1: You were drawn to saying they or them for what reason? Well,

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Speaker 1: I think like they them pronouns allowed me to feel

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Speaker 1: like I was working outside of a box. And I

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Speaker 1: actually feel this way a lot about really gendering things,

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Speaker 1: So like going outside of the Queer Conversation. I think

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Speaker 1: that the emphasis that society places on gender really puts

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Speaker 1: people into a very specific box. So, like when you

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Speaker 1: look at kids, like young girls, if they're girls, they

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Speaker 1: need to like these things, they need to be a

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Speaker 1: certain way. They can't be assertive, they can't be bossy, right,

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Speaker 1: young boys, if they're a boy, then they can't be sensitive,

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Speaker 1: they can't cry, they can't wear peeing great, and we

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Speaker 1: like box people into these gender stereotypes. And personally, I

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Speaker 1: think that if we had less focus on gender, I

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Speaker 1: just think everything would be a little bit better in

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Speaker 1: a lot of ways. Well, it would certainly be better

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Speaker 1: for a lot of women, you know what I mean.

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Speaker 1: The reasoning behind a lot of that for women is

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Speaker 1: to not be identified as a woman in the workplace

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Speaker 1: because of the negative connotations that has and the ostracization

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Speaker 1: that that can come with, you know, and they're not

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Speaker 1: getting hired for a job. So it totally makes sense,

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Speaker 1: you know, if you're following that line of thinking, to

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Speaker 1: not have the disadvantage of being a woman, which in

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Speaker 1: so many instances more so than not, is a disadvantage. Yes,

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Speaker 1: And I would also say that for men, I think

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Speaker 1: it can be really beneficial as well in this sense

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Speaker 1: of like, you know, if you want to boil it

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Speaker 1: down like toxic masculinity, right or I think that that

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Speaker 1: kind of helps strip it down and to be like, no,

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Speaker 1: you can be sensitive and you can be sweet, and

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Speaker 1: you can cry when you scrape your knee and that's okay,

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Speaker 1: you know. So, I think for me, like they then pronounced,

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Speaker 1: felt like it opened up a lot of doors to

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Speaker 1: be able to dress in the way that I wanted,

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Speaker 1: or grow out body hair if I wanted to grow

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Speaker 1: body hair. Just kind of levels the playing field, right,

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Speaker 1: it's all encompassing. The reason we decided to start using

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Speaker 1: the then pronouns wasn't even limited to just our gender.

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Speaker 1: It's kind of this idea of all of it in

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Speaker 1: the universe is you. And if I can encompass all

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Speaker 1: of that and just with one word, they them a pronoun.

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Speaker 1: But we're not ready to have that conversation on a

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Speaker 1: global level, like we're still having the black and white conversation,

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Speaker 1: the gender conversation. Like I feel like we have always

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Speaker 1: to go to really start understanding internalized identity, right, Yeah,

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Speaker 1: internalized identity and the idea of togetherness and of humanity

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Speaker 1: and that we're all here together, because that is the

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Speaker 1: overarching idea I think behind a lot of it. Also,

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Speaker 1: this inception of this conversation has just begne really and

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Speaker 1: it has a long runway. But I think the idea

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Speaker 1: of reminding people instead of you know, why are we

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Speaker 1: identifying saying that that person they're black, they're white, that's

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Speaker 1: a girl, that's a boy. Right when you think about

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Speaker 1: it in the grander scheme of things, not as a

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Speaker 1: personal affront to a person, you know, or a way

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Speaker 1: of separating people, and you think, oh, you want to

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Speaker 1: remind yourself about humanity, togetherness, this is all of us,

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Speaker 1: we're all together, instead of the zero sum game that

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Speaker 1: we've come to understand. This country, especially right now, is

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Speaker 1: very much zero sum game. First of all, how did

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Speaker 1: you guys get together? How did you meet? Fifteen years ago?

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Speaker 1: Playing beer pong? Real? What college? We went to Columbia

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Speaker 1: College in Chicago. It was two days after I moved

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Speaker 1: out to my parents house. We met, and I had

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Speaker 1: just left Missouri. So I'm a couple of years older

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Speaker 1: than Nico. So I was a junior going in and

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Speaker 1: Nico as a freshman and we met playing beer pong.

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Speaker 1: Nico is very enthralled with me. I was kind of

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Speaker 1: like whatever. But we lived in our dorm. We lived

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Speaker 1: like five floors away from one another, and it was

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Speaker 1: like a very magical lightning a start, very much lightning bolt,

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Speaker 1: Like I was so enthralled with, like who this human was.

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Speaker 1: I was raised super conservative, super religious, very little small

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Speaker 1: town like always wanted to get out, but had never

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Speaker 1: seen any of the world, Like, had never been to

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Speaker 1: a big city. Right, Chicago is like the biggest city

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Speaker 1: I had ever seen. Now I go back to Chicago

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Speaker 1: and I'm like, oh, this is cute, you know. And

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Speaker 1: Nico was like this force that came in and just

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Speaker 1: challenged so many of my ideas and my thoughts. And

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Speaker 1: I had never really met someone that grew up as

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Speaker 1: religiously as Bethany had. One of the first conversations that

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Speaker 1: we had was around evolution and creationism, and day one

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Speaker 1: Bethany looked at me was like, you believe in evolution?

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Speaker 1: Like that was like the craziest thing in the world

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Speaker 1: that I could possibly believe in. And it wasn't this

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Speaker 1: immediate challenge, but it was just like, oh wow, there's

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Speaker 1: like so much that we can learn from each other.

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Speaker 1: That's just like jump in. Yeah, that's sweet, and who

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Speaker 1: made the first move? Bliddy because you had a boyfriend too,

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Speaker 1: you were like proud, looks like you were leaving Missouri

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Speaker 1: and yeah, like that ship. Yeah, that's exactly what happened.

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Speaker 1: I had a boyfriend and had like a couple of

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Speaker 1: weeks and I was like, what am I doing? Called

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Speaker 1: my boyfriend one night it was like we got a

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Speaker 1: break up when to a party, got drunk, came back

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Speaker 1: and was like pounding on Nico's door. I was convinced

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Speaker 1: there was a homeless person at my friend door at

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Speaker 1: four o'clock in the morning, just like on the door. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: And then we had sex and then our should say anything, yeah,

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Speaker 1: and then our relationship really it's it's interesting. I think

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Speaker 1: like our relationship in a weird way has kind of

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Speaker 1: always been polly and it's always been unique. Like there

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Speaker 1: was never really a time where we were strictly like

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Speaker 1: and we're boyfriend and girlfriend. You know. We had a

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Speaker 1: time when we were just like sleeping together in Chicago,

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Speaker 1: and then we kind of started moving to different cities

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Speaker 1: and Nico would go away for work and we were

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Speaker 1: when we were in the same city. We would live

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Speaker 1: together and we never like had a breakup conversation, but

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Speaker 1: we left each other many times, spent plenty of time

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Speaker 1: with other people while still staying connected, and then just

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Speaker 1: like our paths kept finding each other and crossing, and

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Speaker 1: ultimately we decided to get married. But before we got married,

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Speaker 1: we weren't really even dating. We were now living together.

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Speaker 1: Weren't living together real we got married. We were living

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Speaker 1: I was in Brooklyn, you were in the city. We

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Speaker 1: actually went to the jungle and uh, did I was?

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Speaker 1: I was just gonna say, and that sentence goes We

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Speaker 1: went to the jungle and its followed by and did

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Speaker 1: I Actually every time I tell someone I did iowaka?

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Speaker 1: Have you watched the Chelsea? Like? It is like like

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Speaker 1: you are now synonymous with that conversation. Another notch on

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Speaker 1: my bed post. So we went to the jungle and

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Speaker 1: did awashka. In our journey there was like very much this,

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Speaker 1: like you too have been rooted together for lifetimes. You

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Speaker 1: are supposed to start a family. Some crazy ship went

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Speaker 1: down and our first jury me. We walked out of

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Speaker 1: the jungle and let to each other. We're like, okay,

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Speaker 1: so we're getting married. Yeah, we were married later. I

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Speaker 1: had gone to the jungle the year prior, right when

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Speaker 1: Trump got elected. I decided like that day, got on

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Speaker 1: my phone booked a retreat, went for a week and

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Speaker 1: a half. Knew that I wanted to bring Bethany. The

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Speaker 1: following year we went in one of our journeys. I

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Speaker 1: kind of saw us both as these two massive trees,

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Speaker 1: separate trees, roots connected underground, and there would be all

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Speaker 1: of these animals and bugs and creatures that would come

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Speaker 1: and spend time on these trees, and they could, you know,

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Speaker 1: live there for extended periods of time. Leave. But at

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Speaker 1: that our base, at our foundation, we were always together

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Speaker 1: and that's kind of been this symbol for our relationship

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Speaker 1: ever since. Yeah, trees are a beautiful symbol of anything

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Speaker 1: right on the subject of polyamory, because that's something else

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Speaker 1: I would like to set the record straight with for

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Speaker 1: my audience to understand what that means, because people are

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Speaker 1: very or a judge about that that subject matter, as

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Speaker 1: you well know. So take us through that. Talk to

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Speaker 1: us about what it means to you and what it

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Speaker 1: means to you guys individually and as a couple. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I mean, I think we're still figuring it out you know,

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Speaker 1: I think it's important to note that we don't claim

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Speaker 1: expertise in any of these fields. Right, We're curious folks,

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Speaker 1: just like I'm not a doctor, you guys, Yet everyone

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Speaker 1: out there always wants you to be the expert whatever

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Speaker 1: you're talking about. Yeah, that's not something we like to claim.

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Speaker 1: And also, I think it's important to note that, like

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Speaker 1: polyamory or open relationships, non monogamy like exists different for

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Speaker 1: all different people. But we date other people, you know.

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Speaker 1: I mean, we've been married for four years, we've been

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Speaker 1: dating other people for fifteen years. We have emotional space.

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Speaker 1: It's beyond the physical. We're not just out here just

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Speaker 1: like sleeping with people on a regular basis. We both

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Speaker 1: hold space for real relationships with other people, and it's

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Speaker 1: something that we know that we will always do for

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Speaker 1: the rest of our lives, even if it's not in action.

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Speaker 1: Our polyamory is more of like a state of mind

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Speaker 1: rather than a state of being. That makes sense. We

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Speaker 1: just have a lot of love and we want to share.

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Speaker 1: How does this delineate itself or is there a delineation

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Speaker 1: between an open relationship and a polyamorous relationship? In your opinion,

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Speaker 1: I think a lot of people would say yes. I

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Speaker 1: think most people think of open relationships as just sex

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Speaker 1: and polyamory is like actual relationships. I personally just like

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Speaker 1: the word open relationship more like we don't really subscribe

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Speaker 1: to that, But I would say that's how most people

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Speaker 1: would perceive those two pieces. And did you guys or

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Speaker 1: do you guys, have you had to lay ground rules

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Speaker 1: or and can you talk to us about that a

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Speaker 1: little bit? Yeah, I mean there were a set of

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Speaker 1: rules when we first got married, I mean even just

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Speaker 1: living in two separate households, like deciding we were going

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Speaker 1: to get married first. I think it's important to note that,

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Speaker 1: like we were both dating other people when we decided

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Speaker 1: to get married, and every relationship that we had had

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Speaker 1: outside of this primary wasn't even our primary relationship. And

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Speaker 1: we're best friends, right, every relationship that we had had

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Speaker 1: like there was always something getting in the way. No

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Speaker 1: one really understood what we meant to each other. Like

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Speaker 1: at the end of the day, Bethany was always my

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Speaker 1: emergency contact on any piece of paperwork, even if I

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Speaker 1: was in a serious multi year relationship with somebody else.

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Speaker 1: And like, that's really hard, Like I get it, that's

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Speaker 1: not an easy thing for someone to wrap their head around.

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Speaker 1: So we kind of decided to get married as as

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Speaker 1: not the only reason, but we thought it would make

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Speaker 1: it easier dating other people as putting this this like

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Speaker 1: title on this is primary relationship and this is the

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Speaker 1: space that we have for other people in our lives.

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Speaker 1: There were a set of ground rules, but I think

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Speaker 1: they change, you know, over this this last year as

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Speaker 1: we've been trying to to make a baby. You know,

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Speaker 1: it's like the priorities have shifted and where we are

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Speaker 1: right this second, all of our energy is being focused

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Speaker 1: on trying to create life at a time when life

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Speaker 1: seems the most fragile, you know. So the rules are

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Speaker 1: flex for us right now, and it's just like based

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Speaker 1: in honesty and communication. And also when you have a child,

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Speaker 1: there will still be inflex I mean you're going to

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Speaker 1: have to figure out how you want to go about that,

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Speaker 1: right how Yeah, I want to understand. I think it

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Speaker 1: takes it very special individual to have enough bandwidth to

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Speaker 1: not only admit this like that they're interested in in

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Speaker 1: pursuing a relationship with these kinds of understandings, but also

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Speaker 1: to be okay with the other person, right you know,

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Speaker 1: there are so many jealousy issues between couples and insecurity issues.

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Speaker 1: So what do you attribute your self assuredness to even

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Speaker 1: come to a point like this, you know, where you

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Speaker 1: can be confident in your relationship and your trust with

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Speaker 1: each other while also exploring other relationships that you both desire.

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Speaker 1: I mean, I think jealousy. Jealousy certainly something that I

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Speaker 1: struggle with. I also have, like you know, I mean,

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Speaker 1: if we're going to go like terms, I have some

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Speaker 1: abandonment issues in my past. I had a dad that

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Speaker 1: died young. Usually people that have abandonment issues, jealousy is

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Speaker 1: like kind of high for them, right, It's hard. So

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Speaker 1: that's definitely something that takes working through. I think that

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Speaker 1: polyamory for Nico and I really saved our relationship in

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Speaker 1: a lot of ways. And previously we would just kind

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Speaker 1: of you know, over this course of fifteen years and

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Speaker 1: the course of us drinking party, like you know, growing

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Speaker 1: up in our twine, like all the stuff that happens

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Speaker 1: to discovering that we were queer, and like it's simultaneously

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Speaker 1: at the same time, like growing up together. Right, there

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Speaker 1: was a lot of figure and shipped out and we

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Speaker 1: did a lot of just cheating on each other. You know,

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Speaker 1: we would like cheat on each other. We would end

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Speaker 1: up telling the other person, or the other person would

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Speaker 1: find out. We realized I don't really care that much. Okay,

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Speaker 1: you cheated on me. Yeah you know what. I actually

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Speaker 1: cheated on you a couple of weekends ago. Okay, we're

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Speaker 1: gonna move forward, all right, sure, like, let's get over this,

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Speaker 1: let's move on. We were like supposed to feel angry

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Speaker 1: about it, right, but neither one of us ever really

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Speaker 1: term cheating is just so right, Like that's one word

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Speaker 1: we have for what you're doing in this society. I

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Speaker 1: would argue, like you say, we don't have enough language, right,

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Speaker 1: I argue, we have too much language. But it depends

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Speaker 1: what language you're talking about. In English, you know, we

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Speaker 1: have eighty five words for so many things, and yet

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Speaker 1: when you cheat, there's one word for it, you know,

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Speaker 1: or being unfaithful I suppose as another or an affair.

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Speaker 1: But it's a limited vocabulary and right, and so terms

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Speaker 1: like polyamory are are opening up the dialogue to understand,

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Speaker 1: to have a better understanding, but there's not more than

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Speaker 1: one word for that, you know. So sometimes your point

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Speaker 1: is true, like there are limited words to describe something,

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Speaker 1: because there is a black and white definition of things,

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Speaker 1: whereas what we're all learning, or people who are really

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Speaker 1: interested in deep diving are learning, and people who are

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Speaker 1: spiritual are learning that it's it's all a bunch of gray.

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Speaker 1: Nobody's right, nobody's wrong. It's what your desires are, your

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Speaker 1: honesty level, you know, Like the communication has got to

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Speaker 1: be the most integral part of your relationship, right, and

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Speaker 1: it's not fixed, right, it's like allowed to bend and shift,

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Speaker 1: and a line that we've always kind of used, like

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Speaker 1: it's it's hard to break something that bends, you know,

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Speaker 1: and we've always just we were benders, you know. I

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Speaker 1: think in this time where we were, you know, cheating

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Speaker 1: or kind of hurting each other polyamory, like this idea,

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Speaker 1: it was like it saved us. I mean, it really

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Speaker 1: made it almost it made it more ethical. It opened

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Speaker 1: up communication and opened up a space to talk about

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Speaker 1: what we really wanted, what we needed. So I think

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Speaker 1: being able to define our relationship with us in our

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Speaker 1: marriage really took us to a different place in a

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Speaker 1: really healthy and positive way. I mean, I just think

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Speaker 1: our vocabulary and understanding of the world was very limited, right,

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Speaker 1: when we first started dating each other, and the more

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Speaker 1: we learned about ourselves and our queerness, we gained just

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Speaker 1: more language for who we are and we're in the world.

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Speaker 1: And I think over the last couple of years, as

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Speaker 1: the world has kind of like falling apart and getting

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Speaker 1: put back together, like even that language is continuing to change,

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Speaker 1: and we're just like trying to stay with the times

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Speaker 1: on a public level and also like on a private level.

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Speaker 1: And do you feel, to both of you feel, since

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Speaker 1: you are public and out about this, and since it's

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Speaker 1: a subject matter that is still considered taboo to an extent,

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Speaker 1: do you feel the burden of having to kind of

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Speaker 1: be out there and like front and center talking about it,

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Speaker 1: do you feel a responseless sense of responsibility? I do,

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Speaker 1: and I hate it. I mean, I am constantly battling

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Speaker 1: how public versus how private do I want to be

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Speaker 1: with my life. I think that you have an easier

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Speaker 1: time with it. But for me, like I'm a people pleaser,

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Speaker 1: I don't love negative you know, negative critiques, Like that's

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Speaker 1: something I definitely have to work on. And you know,

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Speaker 1: people have a lot to say. Is We've been trying

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Speaker 1: to start a family and I have been somewhat vull

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Speaker 1: gool about that. You know, you get comments from people

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Speaker 1: that are like, you two shouldn't have a family, you know,

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Speaker 1: and it shouldn't hurt, but it does. And so I

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Speaker 1: think that I'm constantly battling where do I straddle this line,

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Speaker 1: and like how much do I want to talk about it?

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Speaker 1: How much do I want to go into it, and

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Speaker 1: how much do we just want to keep to ourselves. Yeah, yeah,

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Speaker 1: I think that's I think a lot of people struggle

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Speaker 1: with that regardless. Right, So you add something else to

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Speaker 1: the mix, another conversation starter and you know, thought provoking

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Speaker 1: term and way of life, and then it adds you know,

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Speaker 1: that adds another tenfold to the mix of how private

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Speaker 1: or social anyone in the public eye is. I feel

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Speaker 1: like as we sit on this podcast, which as we

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Speaker 1: for our one five million listeners, I don't know, guys,

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Speaker 1: I think I just want to keep it private. So

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Speaker 1: this is a good time to come out as a

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Speaker 1: private couple. So much part of your job how you

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Speaker 1: speak to yourself. I mean that's like kind of what

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Speaker 1: you do in the world. Yes, absolutely, it's so I

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Speaker 1: have a workout that become project all centered around body neutrality,

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Speaker 1: movement to feel good, and a lot of it is

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Speaker 1: how we talk about ourselves, how we talk about our

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Speaker 1: body um, and how we get to a more neutral

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Speaker 1: ground within ourselves. And I think that's something as both

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Speaker 1: of us being extremist, right, having this pendulum that swings

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Speaker 1: from one end all the way to the other and

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Speaker 1: has to go big. It's like, with everything, how do

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Speaker 1: we get that to kind of it's always going to move,

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Speaker 1: but how do we get that pendulum to sort of

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Speaker 1: sit a little bit more in the middle and be

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Speaker 1: able to feel neutral about something. Empathy, you know, for

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Speaker 1: the whole spectrum, no matter which one we're speaking to,

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Speaker 1: you know, yeah, absolutely, instead of judging other people that

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Speaker 1: are doing something differently than you, to empathize and have

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Speaker 1: compassion that that's another human being that's making different choices.

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Speaker 1: And the judgment factor comes in so hot and heavy

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Speaker 1: for so many people, myself included, for so long, you know,

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Speaker 1: so judging and it's like you're sitting there and you

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Speaker 1: hate people who are judging, and then you the reason

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Speaker 1: you hate that so much is because you're practicing it yourself.

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Speaker 1: But anyway, this is a perfect opportunity. We have a

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Speaker 1: lot of people that call in about this subject matter.

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Speaker 1: So we're going to take some callers and we're gonna

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Speaker 1: give them some feedback about their own situations and answer

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Speaker 1: some questions for some people. Right, Catherine, we love a question,

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Speaker 1: We sure will, and we're gonna take a quick break,

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Speaker 1: but we'll be back with callers. So our first email

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Speaker 1: comes from Ryan. This dovetails perfectly with what you guys

428
00:22:34,800 --> 00:22:39,160
Speaker 1: were talking about with an open relationship. Ryan says, Dear Chelsea,

429
00:22:39,440 --> 00:22:41,320
Speaker 1: my husband and I are two gay men in our

430
00:22:41,359 --> 00:22:44,679
Speaker 1: thirties together almost ten years, and we have newly opened

431
00:22:44,680 --> 00:22:48,400
Speaker 1: our relationship quick background. This has been a stated goal

432
00:22:48,440 --> 00:22:51,159
Speaker 1: of his for years, but I was hesitant. There was

433
00:22:51,160 --> 00:22:53,600
Speaker 1: a history of infidelity on his part that we moved

434
00:22:53,640 --> 00:22:56,320
Speaker 1: past with counseling. Now we're in a good place and

435
00:22:56,359 --> 00:22:58,399
Speaker 1: we made the decision to allow each other sex with

436
00:22:58,440 --> 00:23:01,680
Speaker 1: other people. I'm over happy about this, but I'm struggling

437
00:23:01,720 --> 00:23:05,120
Speaker 1: with the specifics since it's still new. We have set

438
00:23:05,240 --> 00:23:08,040
Speaker 1: rules and boundaries, but I'm still deciding what would be

439
00:23:08,040 --> 00:23:11,199
Speaker 1: a deal breaker. My question is, how do I know

440
00:23:11,240 --> 00:23:14,080
Speaker 1: if he'll respect my wishes or if it's the boundary

441
00:23:14,080 --> 00:23:17,639
Speaker 1: stepping aspect that he really likes if the latter, the

442
00:23:17,720 --> 00:23:20,679
Speaker 1: rules we set can always be broken. Second, how do

443
00:23:20,720 --> 00:23:24,000
Speaker 1: I handle hypocritical thoughts I can do something I don't

444
00:23:24,000 --> 00:23:27,400
Speaker 1: want him to do? And Third, we have a couple's

445
00:23:27,400 --> 00:23:29,960
Speaker 1: therapist we still see, but she's not as up to

446
00:23:30,040 --> 00:23:35,920
Speaker 1: date on non monogamous relationship structures. Should we switch? Sincerely? Ryan? Well,

447
00:23:35,960 --> 00:23:38,160
Speaker 1: I'll jump in first just to say yes, you should

448
00:23:38,160 --> 00:23:40,919
Speaker 1: switch therapists. You need somebody who is familiar with this

449
00:23:41,040 --> 00:23:44,880
Speaker 1: conversation topic and not somebody who's getting to know this.

450
00:23:45,200 --> 00:23:47,840
Speaker 1: So many people are so far behind this that you

451
00:23:47,920 --> 00:23:50,520
Speaker 1: need somebody. You need that tool, like you're already seeing

452
00:23:50,520 --> 00:23:53,080
Speaker 1: somebody put it towards somebody who is well versed in

453
00:23:53,119 --> 00:23:56,240
Speaker 1: the subject matter, and that can only help you to accomplish,

454
00:23:56,359 --> 00:23:58,760
Speaker 1: you know, a state of being that you're both really

455
00:23:58,760 --> 00:24:01,119
Speaker 1: comfortable in. Wy, don't you guys jump in with what

456
00:24:01,200 --> 00:24:03,760
Speaker 1: you think off the top of your heads. Well, I

457
00:24:03,800 --> 00:24:06,080
Speaker 1: was just going to say this idea of what is

458
00:24:06,280 --> 00:24:09,959
Speaker 1: a deal breaker? Right, Like I think that's kind of

459
00:24:10,560 --> 00:24:12,719
Speaker 1: a scary way to think about it. Like if you

460
00:24:12,800 --> 00:24:15,480
Speaker 1: draw such a hard line in the sand, and like

461
00:24:15,560 --> 00:24:17,960
Speaker 1: he's going to cross that line, it's game over, right,

462
00:24:18,040 --> 00:24:20,560
Speaker 1: you're just putting your both of yourselves in a box

463
00:24:20,600 --> 00:24:23,960
Speaker 1: and setting yourself up failure. So I wouldn't think about

464
00:24:23,960 --> 00:24:26,880
Speaker 1: it necessarily like that. I would just try to be

465
00:24:26,920 --> 00:24:30,560
Speaker 1: as honest and open with each other about your desires

466
00:24:30,600 --> 00:24:32,760
Speaker 1: and keep everything on the table, Like if you're going

467
00:24:32,800 --> 00:24:35,639
Speaker 1: into this, it takes work. This is not something that

468
00:24:35,680 --> 00:24:38,840
Speaker 1: you can just do willy nilly and like hope it works. Right,

469
00:24:38,880 --> 00:24:42,080
Speaker 1: Like this is commitment, right, and like you will get

470
00:24:42,119 --> 00:24:44,760
Speaker 1: closer because of it. You have to be I agree

471
00:24:44,800 --> 00:24:48,399
Speaker 1: with everything that you said. And also when you were

472
00:24:48,440 --> 00:24:51,239
Speaker 1: speaking about I can do something that he can't do

473
00:24:51,359 --> 00:24:54,159
Speaker 1: something right, and I think it's important to note, like

474
00:24:54,240 --> 00:24:57,679
Speaker 1: you all don't have to experience it the same. You

475
00:24:57,680 --> 00:25:00,760
Speaker 1: don't have to have like maybe they're are things that

476
00:25:00,960 --> 00:25:04,840
Speaker 1: I can do that Nico doesn't care, but I care

477
00:25:04,840 --> 00:25:07,720
Speaker 1: if Nico does them, you know, And we're really honest

478
00:25:07,760 --> 00:25:10,639
Speaker 1: about that, And I think that that's okay, Like it

479
00:25:10,680 --> 00:25:14,040
Speaker 1: doesn't have to be even because you're both individuals, so

480
00:25:14,160 --> 00:25:16,760
Speaker 1: what works for each of you may be different, and

481
00:25:16,800 --> 00:25:19,439
Speaker 1: that's okay, and that should also be respected. You have

482
00:25:19,480 --> 00:25:22,200
Speaker 1: to make different sacrifices for each other, right, because we're

483
00:25:22,440 --> 00:25:24,760
Speaker 1: different people, right, And you also want to set yourself

484
00:25:24,840 --> 00:25:27,080
Speaker 1: up for success. So before you go into this, you

485
00:25:27,119 --> 00:25:29,600
Speaker 1: want to create all of those boundaries that are acceptable

486
00:25:29,640 --> 00:25:31,760
Speaker 1: for both of you so that you can find an

487
00:25:31,800 --> 00:25:34,800
Speaker 1: area where you both agree and how you're going to operate.

488
00:25:34,800 --> 00:25:37,119
Speaker 1: Because if you're saying, oh, if he does whatever, the

489
00:25:37,200 --> 00:25:40,440
Speaker 1: unthinkable so to speak, there's no turning back, Like Nico

490
00:25:40,520 --> 00:25:42,439
Speaker 1: was saying, like, you have to set this up so

491
00:25:42,480 --> 00:25:44,680
Speaker 1: that you're both going to come back together no matter what.

492
00:25:44,920 --> 00:25:47,240
Speaker 1: So nobody ever is going to do the unthinkable or

493
00:25:47,280 --> 00:25:49,800
Speaker 1: the unspeakable. And I think as you start to have

494
00:25:49,840 --> 00:25:53,000
Speaker 1: these conversations, you understand, you know, sometimes what we think

495
00:25:53,040 --> 00:25:56,080
Speaker 1: is unacceptable is our idea of that. It's not the

496
00:25:56,160 --> 00:25:59,439
Speaker 1: actual reality of that. And you may not even you know,

497
00:25:59,520 --> 00:26:01,560
Speaker 1: want to part anticipate, or he may not even want

498
00:26:01,560 --> 00:26:03,879
Speaker 1: to participate in the way that you're so worried about,

499
00:26:04,119 --> 00:26:06,639
Speaker 1: you know, with another partner, or but you laying it

500
00:26:06,680 --> 00:26:09,120
Speaker 1: all on the table is only going to help your communication,

501
00:26:09,160 --> 00:26:11,440
Speaker 1: it's only going to bring you closer together, it's only

502
00:26:11,520 --> 00:26:15,760
Speaker 1: going to create more intimacy. So it's a huge growth opportunity. Again,

503
00:26:15,840 --> 00:26:19,399
Speaker 1: it's a huge opportunity to learn about respecting your partner

504
00:26:19,440 --> 00:26:23,159
Speaker 1: and about respecting yourself right, and I think, like, you know,

505
00:26:23,240 --> 00:26:25,520
Speaker 1: going off of that, the idea of really staying in

506
00:26:25,560 --> 00:26:27,560
Speaker 1: the present, Like you can write things down on paper,

507
00:26:27,640 --> 00:26:29,919
Speaker 1: you can have ideas of what it should be, but

508
00:26:30,320 --> 00:26:33,399
Speaker 1: the other partner that your partner is engaging with, I

509
00:26:33,400 --> 00:26:35,880
Speaker 1: think oftentimes can change the way it feels. And it's

510
00:26:35,960 --> 00:26:39,600
Speaker 1: so situational. You know, there's ryan you mentioned that there

511
00:26:39,680 --> 00:26:42,400
Speaker 1: was like some infidelity in the past, so there are

512
00:26:42,440 --> 00:26:46,440
Speaker 1: probably very certain things that can really trigger you and

513
00:26:46,480 --> 00:26:48,800
Speaker 1: like set you off because that's you know, that trauma

514
00:26:48,840 --> 00:26:52,280
Speaker 1: is being touched on. But letting it happen in the

515
00:26:52,359 --> 00:26:55,840
Speaker 1: present and like assessing each situation and determining how it

516
00:26:55,880 --> 00:26:57,680
Speaker 1: makes you feel in talking about it, I think can

517
00:26:57,720 --> 00:27:00,760
Speaker 1: be helpful than sort of getting stuck on on these

518
00:27:00,920 --> 00:27:03,840
Speaker 1: hard fast rules. Yeah, and the past, and that's you know,

519
00:27:03,960 --> 00:27:06,639
Speaker 1: getting stuck on the past is also you're not operating

520
00:27:06,680 --> 00:27:09,920
Speaker 1: in the best interest of yourself because what was infidelity

521
00:27:10,000 --> 00:27:15,000
Speaker 1: before may not under these parameters register as infidelity. So

522
00:27:15,119 --> 00:27:18,760
Speaker 1: you're opening your your broadening your horizons, You're becoming more

523
00:27:18,760 --> 00:27:22,480
Speaker 1: open minded about this relationship, and with that your partner

524
00:27:22,640 --> 00:27:26,240
Speaker 1: will likely do the same. So I hope that helps

525
00:27:26,280 --> 00:27:28,360
Speaker 1: I think we answered a couple of his questions with

526
00:27:28,760 --> 00:27:31,880
Speaker 1: some advice from all of us, right, good luck? Yeah, yeah,

527
00:27:31,960 --> 00:27:34,400
Speaker 1: and Ryan follow up with us, let us know what happens,

528
00:27:34,440 --> 00:27:38,040
Speaker 1: what transpires, you know, YadA YadA, YadA, Yeah and good luck.

529
00:27:39,359 --> 00:27:41,640
Speaker 1: What was the book that you reference when we had

530
00:27:41,680 --> 00:27:44,919
Speaker 1: that call? Oh? Sure, The Ethical Slut was one that

531
00:27:44,960 --> 00:27:47,040
Speaker 1: I recommended. Kind of just tells you how to have

532
00:27:47,080 --> 00:27:50,760
Speaker 1: those conversations and ad just expectations. And the other thing

533
00:27:50,840 --> 00:27:52,439
Speaker 1: is like, it sounds like he's not going to be

534
00:27:52,480 --> 00:27:55,480
Speaker 1: in the room while these acts transpires. So I think

535
00:27:55,560 --> 00:27:58,399
Speaker 1: it's really a trust builder to be venturing into this

536
00:27:58,520 --> 00:28:02,879
Speaker 1: and have some threesomes and some trustful have a trustful

537
00:28:02,920 --> 00:28:05,000
Speaker 1: do you guys have a trust fall and then follow

538
00:28:05,040 --> 00:28:07,240
Speaker 1: it up with a three something at the same time.

539
00:28:07,320 --> 00:28:09,520
Speaker 1: This kind of looks this camera looks like we're having

540
00:28:09,560 --> 00:28:11,000
Speaker 1: a three somewhere. I got kicked to the end of

541
00:28:11,040 --> 00:28:13,400
Speaker 1: the bed. Do you see like I'm just over here

542
00:28:13,840 --> 00:28:17,680
Speaker 1: just out. Do you want to scooch a little bit?

543
00:28:17,760 --> 00:28:20,760
Speaker 1: This studio is at one hot, so we're doing the

544
00:28:20,800 --> 00:28:26,160
Speaker 1: best that we can. Uh. Well, Our next question comes

545
00:28:26,160 --> 00:28:28,880
Speaker 1: from a very sweet collar with my new favorite name.

546
00:28:28,960 --> 00:28:33,159
Speaker 1: His name is Brandon Cantelope. He's from Canada. I know, like,

547
00:28:33,200 --> 00:28:35,840
Speaker 1: how charming is that? And he's a Sweetie'll see, he's

548
00:28:35,880 --> 00:28:40,080
Speaker 1: twenty one, he is in Canada and he just graduated.

549
00:28:40,120 --> 00:28:42,680
Speaker 1: He wants to be work working in fashion, fashion business,

550
00:28:42,800 --> 00:28:46,480
Speaker 1: so he says, Dear Chelsea, I'm twenty one years old

551
00:28:46,520 --> 00:28:50,120
Speaker 1: from Canada and I'm currently feeling very unfulfilled in life.

552
00:28:50,520 --> 00:28:53,160
Speaker 1: I grew up in a small city in b C's interior.

553
00:28:53,240 --> 00:28:56,000
Speaker 1: I decided after graduating high school, i'd moved to Vancouver

554
00:28:56,160 --> 00:28:59,560
Speaker 1: for post secondary. I have since graduated school and moved

555
00:28:59,600 --> 00:29:02,080
Speaker 1: back to my hometown. The move back was because I

556
00:29:02,120 --> 00:29:05,840
Speaker 1: decided Vancouver wasn't a perfect fit for me. However, there's

557
00:29:05,840 --> 00:29:09,200
Speaker 1: nowhere in Canada that I feel is. After a trip

558
00:29:09,240 --> 00:29:11,800
Speaker 1: to the UK a month ago, I decided London would

559
00:29:11,800 --> 00:29:15,600
Speaker 1: be a perfect match for both my personality and my career. However,

560
00:29:15,760 --> 00:29:18,080
Speaker 1: I'm having a hard time deciding whether I move that

561
00:29:18,160 --> 00:29:20,560
Speaker 1: big is really worth it and if it would truly

562
00:29:20,600 --> 00:29:23,040
Speaker 1: make me happy. On top of this, I feel as

563
00:29:23,040 --> 00:29:26,240
Speaker 1: though I would miss my family and friends incredibly. Brandon,

564
00:29:26,840 --> 00:29:28,800
Speaker 1: Oh well, Brandon, I'm just going to go out and

565
00:29:28,800 --> 00:29:32,040
Speaker 1: say go for it. Oh you're there, You're even better.

566
00:29:34,400 --> 00:29:36,320
Speaker 1: Look at you. I didn't know cancel Up was a

567
00:29:36,360 --> 00:29:38,520
Speaker 1: real last name. Yeah, I know, I was telling me

568
00:29:38,520 --> 00:29:41,520
Speaker 1: about him. Like, as far as I know, I'm pretty

569
00:29:41,520 --> 00:29:43,680
Speaker 1: sure our family is the only one with it that

570
00:29:43,800 --> 00:29:46,000
Speaker 1: I know of anyways, So I don't know. Maybe someone's

571
00:29:46,000 --> 00:29:48,120
Speaker 1: going to hear this podcast, like, hey, how about too,

572
00:29:48,160 --> 00:29:49,840
Speaker 1: But as as far as I know that, I think

573
00:29:49,840 --> 00:29:51,760
Speaker 1: we're the only one you need to find a honey

574
00:29:51,840 --> 00:29:57,280
Speaker 1: dew for. Do you think you can do that before

575
00:29:57,320 --> 00:29:59,440
Speaker 1: the end of this call? I have no idea. I'll

576
00:29:59,480 --> 00:30:03,920
Speaker 1: try my us well, Brandon, I would say that it

577
00:30:04,080 --> 00:30:06,600
Speaker 1: is always a I'm gonna always just say to take

578
00:30:06,600 --> 00:30:08,680
Speaker 1: a leap of faith and get the hell out of

579
00:30:08,720 --> 00:30:11,640
Speaker 1: a small town and open your eyes. And you know,

580
00:30:11,680 --> 00:30:13,600
Speaker 1: it doesn't have to be the UK, but like, if

581
00:30:13,640 --> 00:30:16,040
Speaker 1: you had a good feeling about that, there's no reason

582
00:30:16,120 --> 00:30:18,800
Speaker 1: it shouldn't be. I'm of the belief that you should

583
00:30:18,800 --> 00:30:22,000
Speaker 1: always be expanding your horizons. And you know, you may

584
00:30:22,040 --> 00:30:24,800
Speaker 1: not feel like your world is narrow, but once you

585
00:30:24,800 --> 00:30:26,960
Speaker 1: get outside of it, you're going to realize how much

586
00:30:27,040 --> 00:30:28,920
Speaker 1: there is to see. And it doesn't mean that you

587
00:30:28,960 --> 00:30:31,400
Speaker 1: won't eventually go back there one day, but you should

588
00:30:31,520 --> 00:30:35,160
Speaker 1: use your youth and this time to explore and understand

589
00:30:35,200 --> 00:30:37,680
Speaker 1: the way the world is and how many different sorts

590
00:30:37,680 --> 00:30:40,360
Speaker 1: of people are out there for you to get to know. Yeah,

591
00:30:40,400 --> 00:30:44,560
Speaker 1: I have some situationally. I grew up in a really

592
00:30:44,600 --> 00:30:47,920
Speaker 1: small town. I always wanted to go to a big city.

593
00:30:48,080 --> 00:30:50,800
Speaker 1: When I was twenty, started moving. I moved to Chicago,

594
00:30:50,840 --> 00:30:52,880
Speaker 1: and moved to Los Angeles, and I moved to Dallas,

595
00:30:52,960 --> 00:30:56,320
Speaker 1: and I finally landed in New York. And when I was,

596
00:30:56,480 --> 00:30:59,240
Speaker 1: you know, younger and and moving and at a similar

597
00:30:59,280 --> 00:31:02,320
Speaker 1: age to you, all of my family like everyone would

598
00:31:02,320 --> 00:31:04,840
Speaker 1: look at me like what are you doing, Like you're not.

599
00:31:04,920 --> 00:31:07,000
Speaker 1: You gotta you gotta get in one place. You have

600
00:31:07,080 --> 00:31:10,840
Speaker 1: to get your job figured out. You've just settle. And

601
00:31:10,960 --> 00:31:13,840
Speaker 1: the best thing that I ever did for myself in

602
00:31:13,880 --> 00:31:17,520
Speaker 1: my early twenties was like, go explore, find different cities,

603
00:31:17,560 --> 00:31:20,280
Speaker 1: find the one that connects with me. And now I

604
00:31:20,400 --> 00:31:23,640
Speaker 1: have great connections and all of those places that is

605
00:31:23,920 --> 00:31:28,200
Speaker 1: hand down further my career. So I am super on

606
00:31:28,320 --> 00:31:31,160
Speaker 1: bored with you moving and home never went anywhere. You know,

607
00:31:31,640 --> 00:31:35,760
Speaker 1: you can always go home friends. I guess that's how

608
00:31:35,800 --> 00:31:38,240
Speaker 1: I felt when I moved to Vancouver. The reason I

609
00:31:38,360 --> 00:31:41,040
Speaker 1: was there right, and then um, it was a great experience,

610
00:31:41,080 --> 00:31:43,240
Speaker 1: but I felt like it was really like as far

611
00:31:43,280 --> 00:31:45,920
Speaker 1: as Canada goes like the not Alogue goes on in Canada,

612
00:31:46,200 --> 00:31:49,040
Speaker 1: it's like as far as like for us, Vancouver is like,

613
00:31:49,080 --> 00:31:50,480
Speaker 1: oh my god, like it's such a big city, but

614
00:31:50,440 --> 00:31:52,240
Speaker 1: it's like if you look at that the world stage,

615
00:31:52,240 --> 00:31:55,520
Speaker 1: it's like not at all. So like I was there

616
00:31:55,520 --> 00:31:57,680
Speaker 1: and I felt it was very I didn't feel like

617
00:31:57,680 --> 00:31:59,800
Speaker 1: there's like a huge room for progress or at least

618
00:32:00,440 --> 00:32:02,680
Speaker 1: leave some bounds that I always like thanks, So I said, well,

619
00:32:02,680 --> 00:32:04,719
Speaker 1: I want to get there, Like it's definitely not just

620
00:32:04,800 --> 00:32:06,760
Speaker 1: London that I would be like, I totally down to

621
00:32:06,800 --> 00:32:09,080
Speaker 1: live in. It's more so just I've always had that

622
00:32:09,080 --> 00:32:10,720
Speaker 1: connection and be like, oh, I think I would really

623
00:32:10,720 --> 00:32:12,160
Speaker 1: like it there. And then obviously I was just there

624
00:32:12,160 --> 00:32:13,800
Speaker 1: in October I went for a trip to see some

625
00:32:13,840 --> 00:32:16,280
Speaker 1: family over there, and then I was like, you know what, yeah,

626
00:32:16,280 --> 00:32:18,160
Speaker 1: I should just move here. But then since being back

627
00:32:18,200 --> 00:32:20,080
Speaker 1: now I'm like, oh my god, I don't know do

628
00:32:20,120 --> 00:32:22,160
Speaker 1: I really want to leave everything? That's fear and you

629
00:32:22,240 --> 00:32:24,280
Speaker 1: just said gave another great reason to try it out

630
00:32:24,280 --> 00:32:26,520
Speaker 1: in the UK because you have family there, like that's

631
00:32:26,520 --> 00:32:29,120
Speaker 1: a great like kind of insurance policy. You know, to

632
00:32:29,160 --> 00:32:31,640
Speaker 1: move somewhere you already have a connection with that place.

633
00:32:31,760 --> 00:32:34,160
Speaker 1: You are never going to look back at this time

634
00:32:34,200 --> 00:32:36,360
Speaker 1: in your life after making a leap of faith like

635
00:32:36,400 --> 00:32:38,040
Speaker 1: that and be like, I wish I hadn't done that.

636
00:32:38,240 --> 00:32:41,160
Speaker 1: You're never anyone who stays if you came back and

637
00:32:41,200 --> 00:32:43,840
Speaker 1: you're like, oh, I'm scared. You know, my family's here.

638
00:32:43,880 --> 00:32:46,760
Speaker 1: That's all fear, that's all you're like ego going no, no no, no,

639
00:32:46,800 --> 00:32:49,000
Speaker 1: you have something good here, this is steady. You will

640
00:32:49,000 --> 00:32:52,040
Speaker 1: regret this because you're talking about making taking a leap

641
00:32:52,400 --> 00:32:54,040
Speaker 1: that if you don't do it, you're always going to

642
00:32:54,040 --> 00:32:55,640
Speaker 1: look back at this time and go, God, I wish

643
00:32:55,680 --> 00:32:58,120
Speaker 1: I did something. I wish I had tried London. I mean,

644
00:32:58,160 --> 00:33:00,040
Speaker 1: London is a fucking awesome town. Who's going to of

645
00:33:00,120 --> 00:33:03,760
Speaker 1: there and have a bad time? You know for real? Yeah,

646
00:33:04,480 --> 00:33:06,920
Speaker 1: especially since you got the fields when you were there.

647
00:33:07,000 --> 00:33:09,240
Speaker 1: Like the fact that you have a connection. I like

648
00:33:09,400 --> 00:33:12,920
Speaker 1: fully believe in city connections and location connections, you know,

649
00:33:13,000 --> 00:33:15,320
Speaker 1: Like I feel that with New York. I moved to

650
00:33:15,440 --> 00:33:18,160
Speaker 1: l A when I was nineteen years old, and I never, ever,

651
00:33:18,320 --> 00:33:20,720
Speaker 1: one day ever looked back and thought, ship, maybe I

652
00:33:20,760 --> 00:33:23,280
Speaker 1: shouldn't have done that. I knew in my gut that

653
00:33:23,400 --> 00:33:25,560
Speaker 1: I had a connection to l A that I needed

654
00:33:25,600 --> 00:33:27,800
Speaker 1: to go, that was where I needed to be, and

655
00:33:27,920 --> 00:33:29,959
Speaker 1: I just never had a doubt in my mind. And

656
00:33:30,040 --> 00:33:32,280
Speaker 1: so I think you should always listen to your instincts.

657
00:33:32,520 --> 00:33:34,400
Speaker 1: You know, sometimes we want to play that game and

658
00:33:34,520 --> 00:33:36,800
Speaker 1: be like, well, Dada and the pros and the cons.

659
00:33:36,840 --> 00:33:39,320
Speaker 1: It's like your instinct is the most important valuable thing

660
00:33:39,640 --> 00:33:42,240
Speaker 1: into it, like intuitiveness that you can have, and the

661
00:33:42,280 --> 00:33:45,040
Speaker 1: most important relationship you can have with yourself is your instinct.

662
00:33:45,360 --> 00:33:48,880
Speaker 1: So trust it. Yeah, definitely, I mean I do know

663
00:33:48,960 --> 00:33:51,680
Speaker 1: for a fact, like regardless of what happens, I'm moving

664
00:33:52,080 --> 00:33:54,840
Speaker 1: comes sprinks and like I cannot be here any longer.

665
00:33:54,960 --> 00:33:57,000
Speaker 1: Like I really feel like, oh my god, like I

666
00:33:57,000 --> 00:33:59,480
Speaker 1: should be doing something right now because like while I'm home,

667
00:33:59,520 --> 00:34:01,840
Speaker 1: although it's like comfortable and obviously I have all my

668
00:34:01,880 --> 00:34:04,480
Speaker 1: friends and found I grew up here, I also feel

669
00:34:04,480 --> 00:34:07,200
Speaker 1: like I'm not progressing in any way professionally or like

670
00:34:07,240 --> 00:34:09,640
Speaker 1: even personally, like I have like my connections and I'm

671
00:34:09,680 --> 00:34:11,799
Speaker 1: not like gaining any more connections while being here, Like

672
00:34:11,840 --> 00:34:14,800
Speaker 1: I just have what I've always had, so I definitely

673
00:34:15,000 --> 00:34:16,600
Speaker 1: now I'm getting that headsets. I'm like, oh my god,

674
00:34:16,680 --> 00:34:18,800
Speaker 1: Like what am I doing? Like I'm literally spending months

675
00:34:18,800 --> 00:34:22,160
Speaker 1: here and I'm accomplishing nothing. I will say, you can

676
00:34:22,320 --> 00:34:26,480
Speaker 1: do and create wherever you are in the world, you know,

677
00:34:26,600 --> 00:34:30,120
Speaker 1: I mean that is not limited to to space and

678
00:34:30,120 --> 00:34:33,200
Speaker 1: and so like as as a creator, as an artist, right,

679
00:34:33,320 --> 00:34:36,319
Speaker 1: like you should be doing stuff all the time if

680
00:34:36,360 --> 00:34:39,560
Speaker 1: it feels right wherever you are. Yeah, and I have

681
00:34:39,680 --> 00:34:43,000
Speaker 1: been trying to do that. But wherever you move there

682
00:34:43,080 --> 00:34:45,719
Speaker 1: you are like you are going, you are going to

683
00:34:45,760 --> 00:34:49,000
Speaker 1: still be there, So find those things in your own

684
00:34:49,120 --> 00:34:52,000
Speaker 1: body and space first and bring them with you wherever

685
00:34:52,040 --> 00:34:55,000
Speaker 1: you go. Yeah, I mean it definitely has helped because

686
00:34:55,000 --> 00:34:57,000
Speaker 1: I think, like you always talk to your family like yeah,

687
00:34:57,040 --> 00:34:59,120
Speaker 1: I don't go too far and then but like it's

688
00:34:59,200 --> 00:35:01,759
Speaker 1: nice like talk to you know other people that like

689
00:35:02,200 --> 00:35:06,160
Speaker 1: I guess, but planes are plans are only good faster.

690
00:35:06,239 --> 00:35:08,680
Speaker 1: And also your relationship with your family improves once you

691
00:35:08,680 --> 00:35:12,080
Speaker 1: get the funk away from that. Everybody gets closer when

692
00:35:12,080 --> 00:35:15,760
Speaker 1: there's some distance. I have a very tight knit family

693
00:35:16,000 --> 00:35:20,600
Speaker 1: and that works because I left and we are very strong.

694
00:35:20,680 --> 00:35:22,920
Speaker 1: We spend all of our holidays together, we spend our

695
00:35:22,920 --> 00:35:27,280
Speaker 1: summer together. We are inseparable because you know, distance doesn't

696
00:35:27,480 --> 00:35:30,200
Speaker 1: doesn't create more space in that sense, you know what

697
00:35:30,239 --> 00:35:32,680
Speaker 1: I mean. That's a physical thing, you know, so that

698
00:35:32,719 --> 00:35:35,240
Speaker 1: could even strengthen the bonds with your family being away

699
00:35:35,239 --> 00:35:38,360
Speaker 1: from them. Yeah, no, I definitely agree with that. Like

700
00:35:38,400 --> 00:35:40,400
Speaker 1: I think, I definitely got a lot closer to like

701
00:35:40,480 --> 00:35:43,040
Speaker 1: my brother for example, when I went moved to Vancouver,

702
00:35:43,160 --> 00:35:44,680
Speaker 1: like when we were living in the same house, you know,

703
00:35:44,719 --> 00:35:47,760
Speaker 1: growing up with brothers. How it is Spence moving to Vancouver,

704
00:35:47,840 --> 00:35:49,040
Speaker 1: and now that I'm in back, it's kind of like

705
00:35:49,080 --> 00:35:51,120
Speaker 1: stilled in the same But yeah, when I moved away

706
00:35:51,200 --> 00:35:52,880
Speaker 1: and we actually got like pret to be able to

707
00:35:52,880 --> 00:35:55,760
Speaker 1: talk and actually have a conversation. So I definitely really

708
00:35:55,920 --> 00:35:58,000
Speaker 1: in that until we agree with that. So I guess

709
00:35:58,000 --> 00:35:59,880
Speaker 1: it's not so much like about that in the connection

710
00:35:59,880 --> 00:36:01,759
Speaker 1: of think it's more so just like I think, it's

711
00:36:01,800 --> 00:36:04,239
Speaker 1: also the phone. Oh you know, like oh my god,

712
00:36:04,280 --> 00:36:06,040
Speaker 1: I'm gonna miss out onto me or what happens if

713
00:36:06,080 --> 00:36:07,680
Speaker 1: I can't get this off work and I can't go

714
00:36:07,760 --> 00:36:10,360
Speaker 1: home to that event or whatever. But think about what

715
00:36:10,400 --> 00:36:15,360
Speaker 1: you're missing in London exactly. Yeah, it sounds like you

716
00:36:15,400 --> 00:36:17,080
Speaker 1: already made up your mind anyway. You just need to

717
00:36:17,360 --> 00:36:22,360
Speaker 1: swift kick in the ass, and that's what we're here for, London.

718
00:36:24,600 --> 00:36:26,520
Speaker 1: Keep us posted as to what you do and when

719
00:36:26,560 --> 00:36:29,640
Speaker 1: you do it. Okay, Yeah, we love we love updates.

720
00:36:29,960 --> 00:36:33,440
Speaker 1: I'm excited for you. I love when people make big moves.

721
00:36:33,520 --> 00:36:35,719
Speaker 1: I think that it opens up so many doors and

722
00:36:35,760 --> 00:36:37,759
Speaker 1: pushes you into new places. I think it's such an

723
00:36:37,800 --> 00:36:42,520
Speaker 1: incredible growth experience. So I'm very very excited for you. Also,

724
00:36:43,040 --> 00:36:46,640
Speaker 1: maybe try telling people that you're moving to London, even

725
00:36:46,719 --> 00:36:49,520
Speaker 1: if you don't have a timeline. See how it feels.

726
00:36:50,040 --> 00:36:51,960
Speaker 1: And as you start to hear people be like, oh

727
00:36:52,040 --> 00:36:55,479
Speaker 1: you're moving to London. Oh my gosh. You'll feel whether

728
00:36:55,480 --> 00:36:58,040
Speaker 1: it feels like right or wrong, and then we'll start

729
00:36:58,080 --> 00:37:00,200
Speaker 1: to get very excite. You have to start saying it

730
00:37:00,280 --> 00:37:04,880
Speaker 1: in an English accent when you start talking. Can you

731
00:37:04,960 --> 00:37:08,400
Speaker 1: do that? Yeah? I mean every time I do. Like

732
00:37:08,440 --> 00:37:10,439
Speaker 1: you know, sometimes like you just stoke around your talk

733
00:37:10,520 --> 00:37:12,360
Speaker 1: like in an accent, and everyone's like, you need to

734
00:37:12,360 --> 00:37:16,799
Speaker 1: stop right now. You're so bad of that. Okay. I

735
00:37:16,880 --> 00:37:18,840
Speaker 1: have told some people that I have been like, yeah, no,

736
00:37:18,920 --> 00:37:21,359
Speaker 1: I'm playing a moving to London and everyone's always like, oh,

737
00:37:21,360 --> 00:37:23,440
Speaker 1: that's so cool. So, I mean I have kind of

738
00:37:23,480 --> 00:37:25,759
Speaker 1: done that as well. But I definitely think that did help,

739
00:37:25,760 --> 00:37:27,520
Speaker 1: because like when you solidify it in your mind or

740
00:37:27,560 --> 00:37:29,919
Speaker 1: at least like solidifying it and the sake of this

741
00:37:29,960 --> 00:37:33,000
Speaker 1: person believe I'm going there, which means like I'm already

742
00:37:33,200 --> 00:37:35,719
Speaker 1: one step closest to actually going because like people think

743
00:37:35,760 --> 00:37:39,080
Speaker 1: I am, you know, so I definitely, I definitely believe

744
00:37:39,160 --> 00:37:41,279
Speaker 1: and I definitely agree with that for sure. Well, thank

745
00:37:41,320 --> 00:37:44,359
Speaker 1: you for calling in, and good luck with everything, and yeah,

746
00:37:44,680 --> 00:37:47,439
Speaker 1: get that move going, put it into motion. Well, thank

747
00:37:47,440 --> 00:37:50,280
Speaker 1: you so much. I know absolutely I will keep you posted.

748
00:37:50,600 --> 00:37:52,520
Speaker 1: I'll let you know. I'll get to the date when

749
00:37:52,560 --> 00:38:06,360
Speaker 1: I'm piecing out. Thank you. I I just realized my antipsychotics.

750
00:38:04,880 --> 00:38:12,200
Speaker 1: I don't want to lose my ship with the name

751
00:38:12,239 --> 00:38:16,000
Speaker 1: like Candlop, does it. I mean, Brandon, you got Candle

752
00:38:16,120 --> 00:38:18,040
Speaker 1: up for good. Yeah, he was burying the lead. He

753
00:38:18,080 --> 00:38:21,120
Speaker 1: should just go as Candle Candle, he's got to move

754
00:38:21,200 --> 00:38:25,239
Speaker 1: to London has changed his name to Candlop. Well, our

755
00:38:25,280 --> 00:38:32,000
Speaker 1: next question comes from our h Restoration Hardware. The outlet

756
00:38:32,239 --> 00:38:38,200
Speaker 1: in they say, dear Chelsea, I'm thirty five years old

757
00:38:38,239 --> 00:38:41,279
Speaker 1: and the youngest of four. My siblings all have kids

758
00:38:41,280 --> 00:38:43,640
Speaker 1: of their own, and I'm the only one without them.

759
00:38:43,719 --> 00:38:45,959
Speaker 1: My husband and I have been together for ten years

760
00:38:46,080 --> 00:38:48,520
Speaker 1: and can't seem to fully commit to deciding to try

761
00:38:48,560 --> 00:38:50,799
Speaker 1: to have our own kids or not. When I'm with

762
00:38:50,840 --> 00:38:53,759
Speaker 1: my family, I sometimes feel not as included or seen.

763
00:38:54,440 --> 00:38:57,080
Speaker 1: I know that's not enough of a reason to have kids,

764
00:38:57,120 --> 00:38:59,920
Speaker 1: but we're struggling deciding if having kids is for us

765
00:39:00,160 --> 00:39:02,400
Speaker 1: or not. How did you decide what you wanted and

766
00:39:02,440 --> 00:39:06,320
Speaker 1: what tips do you have for me our age? Well,

767
00:39:06,680 --> 00:39:09,280
Speaker 1: I would say that if you're on the fence about

768
00:39:09,320 --> 00:39:12,240
Speaker 1: having children, the answer is probably not to have children.

769
00:39:12,640 --> 00:39:14,680
Speaker 1: I think if you want to have children, it's something

770
00:39:14,719 --> 00:39:17,320
Speaker 1: that you are really you should be really sure about.

771
00:39:17,719 --> 00:39:21,040
Speaker 1: You know, you're bringing that's a huge responsibility. You're bringing

772
00:39:21,080 --> 00:39:24,280
Speaker 1: a whole other person into this world, and you should

773
00:39:24,280 --> 00:39:27,080
Speaker 1: be a hundred and fifty percent sure. You shouldn't be

774
00:39:27,640 --> 00:39:30,719
Speaker 1: vacillating back and forth, and you certainly obviously should not

775
00:39:30,760 --> 00:39:34,280
Speaker 1: do that for anyone else's feelings about your relationship or

776
00:39:34,400 --> 00:39:37,759
Speaker 1: your merit within your family. I would argue that that's

777
00:39:37,760 --> 00:39:39,839
Speaker 1: a youth thing and that you you should try and

778
00:39:39,880 --> 00:39:42,319
Speaker 1: work hard to get past that about your family not

779
00:39:42,440 --> 00:39:45,520
Speaker 1: taking you guys seriously because you don't have children. I

780
00:39:45,560 --> 00:39:47,640
Speaker 1: think that's something that you kind of have to own

781
00:39:48,200 --> 00:39:51,160
Speaker 1: and you know, and be vociferous about. You know, like,

782
00:39:51,360 --> 00:39:53,319
Speaker 1: once you make your decision about whether or not to

783
00:39:53,320 --> 00:39:56,400
Speaker 1: have children, if it's not to move forward you the

784
00:39:56,480 --> 00:39:58,640
Speaker 1: reasons will be solid for not doing that, you know

785
00:39:58,680 --> 00:40:01,080
Speaker 1: what I mean. You can't be shamed or you know,

786
00:40:01,480 --> 00:40:05,080
Speaker 1: felts left out as the reason behind having a child.

787
00:40:05,440 --> 00:40:07,480
Speaker 1: That's not something that to hang your hat on either.

788
00:40:07,920 --> 00:40:09,799
Speaker 1: You guys are trying right now for a child, so

789
00:40:09,920 --> 00:40:11,960
Speaker 1: you can speak to this. We've all, I mean, I've

790
00:40:12,000 --> 00:40:14,239
Speaker 1: always wanted to be a parent, We've always wanted to

791
00:40:14,280 --> 00:40:17,960
Speaker 1: have kids. I'm also thirty five and the youngest of

792
00:40:18,000 --> 00:40:22,720
Speaker 1: four and I have thirteen nieces and nephews, so I

793
00:40:22,840 --> 00:40:26,200
Speaker 1: totally get the idea of like having more merit. I mean,

794
00:40:26,239 --> 00:40:28,319
Speaker 1: I definitely gained more merit in my family when I

795
00:40:28,360 --> 00:40:31,200
Speaker 1: got married. That was like a game change to a

796
00:40:31,280 --> 00:40:34,640
Speaker 1: man specifically, and we're so happy I didn't end up

797
00:40:34,640 --> 00:40:36,480
Speaker 1: with the one I love. I love them, I love them.

798
00:40:36,480 --> 00:40:39,080
Speaker 1: There were so much better than we've ever been. But

799
00:40:39,680 --> 00:40:42,600
Speaker 1: I do really understand that feeling. And I will say

800
00:40:42,600 --> 00:40:46,480
Speaker 1: that I imagine you being the person who has a uterus,

801
00:40:46,520 --> 00:40:49,480
Speaker 1: being thirty five, you're probably feeling a lot of that

802
00:40:49,600 --> 00:40:51,920
Speaker 1: society pressure. That's like, if you're going to do it,

803
00:40:52,000 --> 00:40:54,799
Speaker 1: you have to do it now. I know that as

804
00:40:54,840 --> 00:40:58,319
Speaker 1: we've been struggling with getting pregnant for the last year,

805
00:40:58,480 --> 00:41:00,759
Speaker 1: that is like this constant piece sets on my mind,

806
00:41:00,840 --> 00:41:02,920
Speaker 1: even though I know thirty five is not that old,

807
00:41:02,960 --> 00:41:06,719
Speaker 1: but like, if you look online, it's a fucking geriatric pregnancy,

808
00:41:06,840 --> 00:41:11,919
Speaker 1: Like it is language, Like it's so wild the way

809
00:41:11,960 --> 00:41:14,759
Speaker 1: that you're made to feel at this time, and like

810
00:41:15,280 --> 00:41:18,759
Speaker 1: making a decision because you feel pressured, just like Chelsea said,

811
00:41:18,840 --> 00:41:20,359
Speaker 1: is not the way you want to go. But if

812
00:41:20,400 --> 00:41:24,080
Speaker 1: you wanted some more security, you know, maybe freezing eggs

813
00:41:24,200 --> 00:41:27,759
Speaker 1: or freezing embryos or doing something along those lines could

814
00:41:27,760 --> 00:41:31,040
Speaker 1: help you feel more secure in the idea that you

815
00:41:31,160 --> 00:41:33,719
Speaker 1: personally know you need to wait, but you don't always

816
00:41:33,760 --> 00:41:35,680
Speaker 1: know if you're going to need to wait, and maybe

817
00:41:35,680 --> 00:41:38,319
Speaker 1: something like that, whether or not you ever use them,

818
00:41:38,640 --> 00:41:43,000
Speaker 1: could feel like you're buying yourself a little more time. Yeah,

819
00:41:43,000 --> 00:41:45,279
Speaker 1: that's a good idea, that's I mean, you know, if

820
00:41:45,280 --> 00:41:47,839
Speaker 1: you're willing to go through that process, then then then

821
00:41:47,880 --> 00:41:50,920
Speaker 1: that's a definite great option for you. But it definitely

822
00:41:50,960 --> 00:41:53,480
Speaker 1: is a process. It's not a process that I've been through.

823
00:41:53,760 --> 00:41:57,040
Speaker 1: And now you know, we're we're doing I U I

824
00:41:57,160 --> 00:41:59,719
Speaker 1: s NOW, which is like the step before IVF. I'm

825
00:41:59,719 --> 00:42:02,440
Speaker 1: tear if I'd have to even think about doing IVF

826
00:42:04,160 --> 00:42:06,839
Speaker 1: great egg retrieval, the hormones, Like I've never even taken

827
00:42:06,920 --> 00:42:09,960
Speaker 1: birth control, Like I hate this ship, you know, but

828
00:42:10,160 --> 00:42:13,000
Speaker 1: there is a world where like having these embryo safe

829
00:42:13,040 --> 00:42:15,320
Speaker 1: could set us up for multiple children in the future.

830
00:42:15,360 --> 00:42:16,759
Speaker 1: I don't know, It's like a game you have to play,

831
00:42:16,800 --> 00:42:20,319
Speaker 1: but I think it's definitely worth having the conversation and

832
00:42:20,400 --> 00:42:23,239
Speaker 1: kind of sessing out options if if that you know,

833
00:42:23,320 --> 00:42:25,880
Speaker 1: feels right for you, which it may not right. I

834
00:42:25,920 --> 00:42:29,719
Speaker 1: have a question for Chelsea actually on this subject, on

835
00:42:29,760 --> 00:42:33,759
Speaker 1: this subject perfect, do you ever feel like, I know

836
00:42:33,840 --> 00:42:37,560
Speaker 1: that you're in love currently that potentially your future could

837
00:42:37,560 --> 00:42:39,840
Speaker 1: be different than the one that it is now with

838
00:42:39,840 --> 00:42:43,200
Speaker 1: with kids. No, I'm very steadfast about I mean, I

839
00:42:43,239 --> 00:42:44,799
Speaker 1: told him the other day I was pregnant, just to

840
00:42:44,800 --> 00:42:47,680
Speaker 1: see what his reaction was, and he was just looking

841
00:42:47,719 --> 00:42:49,960
Speaker 1: at me, like, because Joe is the type of guy

842
00:42:50,000 --> 00:42:52,680
Speaker 1: that would be open to whatever. If I said that, yeah,

843
00:42:52,680 --> 00:42:55,160
Speaker 1: I'm down, he'd be down. I'm not down, though, And

844
00:42:55,200 --> 00:42:57,880
Speaker 1: I know I'm not down because it's just like a

845
00:42:57,880 --> 00:43:00,320
Speaker 1: fanciful idea, you know what I mean. It's only because

846
00:43:00,320 --> 00:43:01,960
Speaker 1: I love him that I would even think of it.

847
00:43:02,160 --> 00:43:04,040
Speaker 1: But I'm not down for it. I'm not down for

848
00:43:04,160 --> 00:43:06,839
Speaker 1: raising a child. I'm not down for having to put

849
00:43:06,840 --> 00:43:09,839
Speaker 1: a person in the world and be responsible for them.

850
00:43:09,920 --> 00:43:12,880
Speaker 1: I I mean, as a childless person. I would also

851
00:43:13,480 --> 00:43:15,839
Speaker 1: say to you, as somebody who has siblings, I get

852
00:43:15,880 --> 00:43:18,839
Speaker 1: to be the best aunt that I could ever be,

853
00:43:19,360 --> 00:43:22,080
Speaker 1: mostly because I don't have children. You know. I get

854
00:43:22,120 --> 00:43:25,640
Speaker 1: to shower attention onto a families that I'll never even meet.

855
00:43:25,680 --> 00:43:27,719
Speaker 1: I get to give money to people in need all

856
00:43:27,760 --> 00:43:30,160
Speaker 1: the time because it's not being used up for my

857
00:43:30,200 --> 00:43:32,520
Speaker 1: own purposes in my own family. So there are real

858
00:43:32,680 --> 00:43:35,439
Speaker 1: upsides to making that decision, you know, if that's where

859
00:43:35,440 --> 00:43:39,120
Speaker 1: you go. And also, I'm very present and all of

860
00:43:39,160 --> 00:43:41,359
Speaker 1: my nieces and nephew's life, and I take a lot

861
00:43:41,400 --> 00:43:44,160
Speaker 1: of pride in being like that aunt that is going

862
00:43:44,200 --> 00:43:45,919
Speaker 1: to be there, that is going to provide for them,

863
00:43:45,920 --> 00:43:48,680
Speaker 1: that's going to have those conversations with them that are

864
00:43:48,760 --> 00:43:51,040
Speaker 1: they're not going to have with their parents. And so

865
00:43:51,280 --> 00:43:53,640
Speaker 1: there are a lot of upsides to having that role

866
00:43:53,640 --> 00:43:56,400
Speaker 1: in your family as well. And I've never in my

867
00:43:56,480 --> 00:43:58,200
Speaker 1: family and not felt like I was part of my

868
00:43:58,239 --> 00:44:00,440
Speaker 1: family because I'm kind of like the center of attention

869
00:44:00,480 --> 00:44:02,600
Speaker 1: of my family, and I forced us all to be

870
00:44:02,640 --> 00:44:05,520
Speaker 1: together all the time. You know, I'm the ringleader. So

871
00:44:05,920 --> 00:44:08,560
Speaker 1: I don't have, you know, that same thing where I feel, oh,

872
00:44:08,600 --> 00:44:10,680
Speaker 1: my brothers and sisters have kids, I feel left out.

873
00:44:11,160 --> 00:44:12,960
Speaker 1: But I would argue that as a state of mind.

874
00:44:13,120 --> 00:44:15,279
Speaker 1: You know, it's a state of your own being, you know,

875
00:44:15,360 --> 00:44:17,879
Speaker 1: because you do still have plenty to offer. Children don't

876
00:44:17,880 --> 00:44:21,279
Speaker 1: define you, you know, you define you. So anyway, that's

877
00:44:21,280 --> 00:44:25,279
Speaker 1: our advice. I mean, I think that's full bodied. We've

878
00:44:25,280 --> 00:44:27,840
Speaker 1: got a couple of different perspectives here, a few, I

879
00:44:27,840 --> 00:44:30,799
Speaker 1: should say, so let us know how that goes. Thank

880
00:44:30,840 --> 00:44:34,080
Speaker 1: you for writing in. And yeah, if you're thinking about

881
00:44:34,239 --> 00:44:38,440
Speaker 1: possibly getting some eggs fertilized and going down that route,

882
00:44:38,560 --> 00:44:41,400
Speaker 1: that's a great avenue too. Until you make a real decision,

883
00:44:41,440 --> 00:44:44,440
Speaker 1: until you're really solid on one side or the other

884
00:44:44,520 --> 00:44:47,520
Speaker 1: of the issue, check your insurance first before you do

885
00:44:47,600 --> 00:44:51,440
Speaker 1: that though, che let's talk about this SAG after A

886
00:44:51,600 --> 00:44:59,719
Speaker 1: does not cover infertility. A surprise, What a surprise. I mean,

887
00:44:59,800 --> 00:45:02,120
Speaker 1: I'm ready for a lawsuit. Well, I mean, and that's

888
00:45:02,120 --> 00:45:03,840
Speaker 1: going to have to change in the near future. But

889
00:45:03,920 --> 00:45:07,200
Speaker 1: every system is antiquated, Every health system is antiquated. I

890
00:45:07,200 --> 00:45:10,279
Speaker 1: mean women are you know what I mean health care

891
00:45:10,320 --> 00:45:12,640
Speaker 1: for women. I mean, look where we are in this country.

892
00:45:12,880 --> 00:45:17,200
Speaker 1: It's it's not surprising, unfortunately, it's just everything. Everything needs

893
00:45:17,200 --> 00:45:19,439
Speaker 1: a major fucking update and people need to get with

894
00:45:19,480 --> 00:45:21,879
Speaker 1: the program. But instead we're sitting here having to fight

895
00:45:21,920 --> 00:45:25,280
Speaker 1: abortion rights that you know from fifty years ago, instead

896
00:45:25,280 --> 00:45:28,120
Speaker 1: of being able to tackle real issues like what you're describing.

897
00:45:28,200 --> 00:45:32,200
Speaker 1: You know, ironically, Republicans want to force women to have children,

898
00:45:32,200 --> 00:45:34,440
Speaker 1: but they won't do anything about infertility. They won't do

899
00:45:34,480 --> 00:45:36,760
Speaker 1: anything about women that want to have children. I can't.

900
00:45:37,360 --> 00:45:40,920
Speaker 1: So there you go the irony and the hypocrisy at

901
00:45:40,920 --> 00:45:44,360
Speaker 1: play every single day in this country. And on that note,

902
00:45:44,640 --> 00:45:48,280
Speaker 1: we're all going to commit suicide. This has turned into

903
00:45:48,640 --> 00:45:54,919
Speaker 1: a Christmas usid just just crying in the corner. Excuse me, Well,

904
00:45:54,960 --> 00:45:57,000
Speaker 1: while you're all doing that, we'll take a quick ad

905
00:45:57,000 --> 00:46:03,680
Speaker 1: break and be right back O Hey, and we're back.

906
00:46:04,080 --> 00:46:06,440
Speaker 1: Nico and Bethany, do you have a piece of advice

907
00:46:06,480 --> 00:46:09,360
Speaker 1: that you'd like from Chelsea? I have a piece of

908
00:46:09,400 --> 00:46:12,600
Speaker 1: advice because I mean, I've watched you over the years

909
00:46:12,600 --> 00:46:17,000
Speaker 1: in many different phases of your career, and what I've

910
00:46:17,000 --> 00:46:19,680
Speaker 1: always loved about you is that it seems to me anyway,

911
00:46:19,719 --> 00:46:21,360
Speaker 1: like you don't give a funk. And I kind of

912
00:46:21,360 --> 00:46:23,319
Speaker 1: mentioned this earlier, and I think giving a funk is

913
00:46:23,320 --> 00:46:25,960
Speaker 1: something that often gets in my way. Kind of a

914
00:46:26,040 --> 00:46:30,080
Speaker 1: simple question, but any advice for like tossing off the

915
00:46:30,160 --> 00:46:33,200
Speaker 1: other voices? Yeah, I mean, I think it's something that

916
00:46:33,239 --> 00:46:35,480
Speaker 1: you put into practice and it gets easier and easier

917
00:46:35,520 --> 00:46:37,439
Speaker 1: as you go on. You know, not giving a funk

918
00:46:37,560 --> 00:46:40,400
Speaker 1: is like an actual practice. It's like meditation, you know,

919
00:46:40,440 --> 00:46:42,960
Speaker 1: when you're doing the work on yourself and you're constantly

920
00:46:43,280 --> 00:46:46,920
Speaker 1: paying attention and you have yourself awareness in check, it

921
00:46:47,040 --> 00:46:49,200
Speaker 1: makes it a lot easier to not give a fuck.

922
00:46:49,680 --> 00:46:51,799
Speaker 1: Before it was like it was more flagrant for me

923
00:46:51,840 --> 00:46:53,520
Speaker 1: when I was younger. I didn't give a funk because

924
00:46:53,520 --> 00:46:55,479
Speaker 1: I was arrogant. Now I don't give a funk because

925
00:46:55,480 --> 00:46:57,480
Speaker 1: I know I've done the work and I'm solid, like

926
00:46:57,640 --> 00:47:00,520
Speaker 1: I'm not worried about any of my behavior or you know,

927
00:47:00,640 --> 00:47:04,799
Speaker 1: offending people in in small situation. I'm not worried about

928
00:47:04,840 --> 00:47:07,360
Speaker 1: not making small talk with somebody and that hurting their feelings.

929
00:47:07,440 --> 00:47:09,720
Speaker 1: I don't have any of that anymore because I understand

930
00:47:10,160 --> 00:47:12,120
Speaker 1: it's not my job to make everyone feel good. It's

931
00:47:12,120 --> 00:47:14,000
Speaker 1: not my job to make everyone feel comfortable. And if

932
00:47:14,040 --> 00:47:16,520
Speaker 1: people really have a problem with me, then they have

933
00:47:16,560 --> 00:47:19,239
Speaker 1: a bigger problem with themselves. And that really is all

934
00:47:19,239 --> 00:47:21,640
Speaker 1: you have to remember. Like if anyone is sitting there

935
00:47:21,920 --> 00:47:24,719
Speaker 1: on Instagram commenting on your page about how much they

936
00:47:24,760 --> 00:47:28,080
Speaker 1: dislike you, think about what's going on in that person's life, right,

937
00:47:28,239 --> 00:47:32,200
Speaker 1: Absolutely never in my entire existence have I ever commented

938
00:47:32,719 --> 00:47:35,400
Speaker 1: seriously like my male comic friends I will work with them,

939
00:47:35,400 --> 00:47:37,560
Speaker 1: would be like Kevin Hart's page and be like, you know,

940
00:47:37,719 --> 00:47:40,399
Speaker 1: nobody thinks you're a good actor, but that's because we're

941
00:47:40,440 --> 00:47:42,960
Speaker 1: good friends. And I take it back because his latest

942
00:47:43,000 --> 00:47:45,640
Speaker 1: movie or a series, true story, he could do some

943
00:47:45,760 --> 00:47:48,200
Speaker 1: good acting. So and I wrote that on his Instagram

944
00:47:48,239 --> 00:47:50,719
Speaker 1: page too. But as attacking as I've been in my

945
00:47:50,960 --> 00:47:54,879
Speaker 1: life or as you know, giving people unsolicited advice and

946
00:47:54,920 --> 00:47:57,120
Speaker 1: going off on people who I thought were fucking idiots.

947
00:47:57,400 --> 00:47:59,920
Speaker 1: I would never spend my time tearing somebody down in

948
00:48:00,040 --> 00:48:02,799
Speaker 1: that way. So that's all you need to know. You know,

949
00:48:02,960 --> 00:48:06,480
Speaker 1: anybody who has a strong opinion of you that's negative

950
00:48:06,600 --> 00:48:10,080
Speaker 1: is really none of your business. I think, you know, logically,

951
00:48:10,520 --> 00:48:12,480
Speaker 1: that's a train of thought. So I am in the

952
00:48:12,520 --> 00:48:15,200
Speaker 1: practicing phase. It's better than it used to be. I've

953
00:48:15,239 --> 00:48:18,960
Speaker 1: also like taken some tangible steps to maybe like not

954
00:48:19,160 --> 00:48:21,279
Speaker 1: read every single DM, Like I don't need to read

955
00:48:21,320 --> 00:48:22,960
Speaker 1: these d ms that are coming in. Maybe I don't

956
00:48:22,960 --> 00:48:24,960
Speaker 1: need notifications on my phone, or like maybe there's some

957
00:48:25,000 --> 00:48:27,520
Speaker 1: places where I can kind of tune out. And I think,

958
00:48:27,560 --> 00:48:30,720
Speaker 1: like logically, I know, but there's definitely an emotional part

959
00:48:30,760 --> 00:48:33,560
Speaker 1: of me. And I'm also like a teacher and a

960
00:48:33,600 --> 00:48:36,120
Speaker 1: trainer and I work with people's body, so like caring

961
00:48:36,160 --> 00:48:39,399
Speaker 1: about how other people feel is like built into who

962
00:48:39,440 --> 00:48:42,040
Speaker 1: I am. And I think there's like a place where, like,

963
00:48:42,080 --> 00:48:45,560
Speaker 1: how do I still find ways to be compassionate and

964
00:48:45,600 --> 00:48:47,719
Speaker 1: have this part of me that is like vulnerable and

965
00:48:47,800 --> 00:48:50,960
Speaker 1: sweet and that I love and also like put up

966
00:48:51,000 --> 00:48:53,520
Speaker 1: the walls to protect myself at the same time, And

967
00:48:53,560 --> 00:48:56,160
Speaker 1: I think that's a balance. Well, even on your Instagram page.

968
00:48:56,160 --> 00:48:59,400
Speaker 1: It's called the become project. Even on your Instagram and

969
00:48:59,480 --> 00:49:01,920
Speaker 1: not pay itself, right, you have to look at what

970
00:49:01,920 --> 00:49:04,719
Speaker 1: you're representing on that page and embody it. Right. You're

971
00:49:04,760 --> 00:49:07,200
Speaker 1: helping people to be in touch with their feelings about themselves,

972
00:49:07,400 --> 00:49:09,759
Speaker 1: not to be in touch with their feelings about you. Right.

973
00:49:09,960 --> 00:49:12,200
Speaker 1: So when you need sometimes to remind yourself of who

974
00:49:12,239 --> 00:49:14,160
Speaker 1: you are, I do this a lot. I'm like, if

975
00:49:14,160 --> 00:49:18,600
Speaker 1: I go down insecure road or I think about something

976
00:49:18,640 --> 00:49:21,239
Speaker 1: somebody wrote or said about me, it only takes me

977
00:49:21,280 --> 00:49:22,960
Speaker 1: a minute to remind myself of who I am and

978
00:49:23,000 --> 00:49:25,439
Speaker 1: what I stand for. And for you, I would say

979
00:49:25,440 --> 00:49:27,360
Speaker 1: to go to your page and look at what you've created,

980
00:49:27,560 --> 00:49:29,200
Speaker 1: and look at what you stand for, and look at

981
00:49:29,239 --> 00:49:32,720
Speaker 1: what you're trying to extol, right, And that's your reminder

982
00:49:32,760 --> 00:49:36,319
Speaker 1: of who you are, getting back into that center. Yeah,

983
00:49:36,360 --> 00:49:38,279
Speaker 1: we all just need to remind ourselves who we are.

984
00:49:38,440 --> 00:49:41,080
Speaker 1: You know, none of us are good or bad, or

985
00:49:41,120 --> 00:49:43,640
Speaker 1: you know we do bad things or we do good things.

986
00:49:43,719 --> 00:49:46,520
Speaker 1: And and once your ship is steady and you're moving

987
00:49:46,520 --> 00:49:50,279
Speaker 1: along and you're conscious and aware of the world around you,

988
00:49:50,280 --> 00:49:53,440
Speaker 1: your purpose and your gift is to make other people

989
00:49:53,440 --> 00:49:56,040
Speaker 1: feel that way, right, so you've always got to kind

990
00:49:56,040 --> 00:49:58,719
Speaker 1: of remind yourself that, hey, this is me, this is

991
00:49:58,760 --> 00:50:00,520
Speaker 1: what I represent, and this is all I have to

992
00:50:00,560 --> 00:50:03,520
Speaker 1: worry about, you know, and you're always becoming. Right. It's

993
00:50:03,560 --> 00:50:06,320
Speaker 1: not called the Come Project. It's like that's a separate

994
00:50:06,360 --> 00:50:08,720
Speaker 1: project that I'm working out that's going to be released.

995
00:50:10,840 --> 00:50:13,720
Speaker 1: It's actually called it comes Upster. I'm sorry. I'm sorry,

996
00:50:13,800 --> 00:50:15,920
Speaker 1: and don't try to get that. I have come to

997
00:50:15,920 --> 00:50:19,400
Speaker 1: dobster dot com taken Joe bought it from me for Christmas.

998
00:50:20,080 --> 00:50:26,840
Speaker 1: Even that's how you got pregnant the third time. Good,

999
00:50:26,920 --> 00:50:29,719
Speaker 1: good stuff. Thank you guys so much for coming. What

1000
00:50:29,800 --> 00:50:33,000
Speaker 1: a delight, this is so happy to meet you. Yeah,

1001
00:50:33,520 --> 00:50:35,399
Speaker 1: that was fun. I can't wait to hear that you're

1002
00:50:35,440 --> 00:50:37,680
Speaker 1: pregnant and you guys are expecting a baby. It's going

1003
00:50:37,719 --> 00:50:41,560
Speaker 1: to happen. Yeah, absolutely, yeah, and good luck with everything.

1004
00:50:41,680 --> 00:50:44,600
Speaker 1: Thank you so much. Nice to meet you guys, appreciate

1005
00:50:45,280 --> 00:50:48,359
Speaker 1: Thank you, Catherine, and thank you guys for listening. We

1006
00:50:48,400 --> 00:50:51,320
Speaker 1: will see you or you will hear us and possibly

1007
00:50:51,320 --> 00:50:54,320
Speaker 1: see us next week. Chelsea, do you have some upcoming

1008
00:50:54,400 --> 00:50:56,560
Speaker 1: show dates that you want to tell people about? Oh

1009
00:50:56,560 --> 00:51:00,799
Speaker 1: my god, always, February second and third are my Seattle knows. Oh.

1010
00:51:00,840 --> 00:51:04,600
Speaker 1: Also we added Philly, so come to Philly or Honolulu

1011
00:51:04,760 --> 00:51:08,480
Speaker 1: or Kauai or no Maui ship who knows. So we

1012
00:51:08,560 --> 00:51:10,719
Speaker 1: have added second shows to a lot of markets, but

1013
00:51:10,760 --> 00:51:13,640
Speaker 1: those are the immediate dates coming up. Anyway, does that

1014
00:51:13,680 --> 00:51:17,239
Speaker 1: answer your question, Katherine? It absolutely does. Great. Well, that's

1015
00:51:17,239 --> 00:51:19,719
Speaker 1: all we have for today's episode. Okay, well that was

1016
00:51:19,760 --> 00:51:22,759
Speaker 1: a definite therapy session. We will see you next week, guys.

1017
00:51:23,360 --> 00:51:27,239
Speaker 1: Right bye, right, And if you have a question, or

1018
00:51:27,280 --> 00:51:29,479
Speaker 1: you and a loved one have a question, please write

1019
00:51:29,520 --> 00:51:33,839
Speaker 1: into Dear Chelsea Project at gmail dot com.