Speaker 1: Countdown with Keith Olderman is a production of iHeartRadio. This
Speaker 1: is a Countdown bulletin update. In a late night appearance
Speaker 1: in Arizona alongside Tucker Carlson, the former President of the
Speaker 1: United States, Donald Trump, the candidate in next Tuesday's election
Speaker 1: for the Republican Party against Kamala Harris, the sitting Vice President,
Speaker 1: in essence, threatened to kill former Congresswoman Liz Cheney, the
Speaker 1: daughter of the former Vice President of the United States,
Speaker 1: Dick Cheney.
Speaker 2: And I don't blame him for sticking with his daughter,
Speaker 2: but his daughter is a very dumb individual, very dumb.
Speaker 1: She's a radical warhawk.
Speaker 2: Let's put her with a rifle, standing there with nine
Speaker 2: barrel shooting at her. Okay, let's see how she feels
Speaker 2: about it, you know, when the guns are trained in
Speaker 2: her face.
Speaker 1: As we record, there has been no further explanation from
Speaker 1: Trump for his threat. There is no other way to
Speaker 1: interpret it than as a threat to the life of
Speaker 1: Liz Cheney. It is noteworthy that, even in the immediate
Speaker 1: moments after this statement was made by the former president,
Speaker 1: that there was no Republican who had the moral, courage, clarity,
Speaker 1: nor humanity to say this is where I draw the line.
Speaker 1: This is where I must repudiate this crazed would be dictator.
Speaker 1: Nor perhaps more disturbingly, was any Republican there to say,
Speaker 1: my God, the next time he says something like this
Speaker 1: about a Republican who has disagreed with him, it will
Speaker 1: be me. We now follow with the rest of the
Speaker 1: Friday Countdown podcast, as previously recorded before the late night
Speaker 1: event in Arizona in which President Trump threatened Liz Cheney
Speaker 1: with a firing squad.
Speaker 2: She's a radical warhawk. Let's put her with a rifle,
Speaker 2: standing there with nine barrel shooting at her. Okay, let's
Speaker 2: see how she feels about it. You know, when the
Speaker 2: guns are trained in her face.
Speaker 1: I think there can no longer be any doubt that
Speaker 1: as the last weekend of the campaign hits, the Trump
Speaker 1: internal polls are telling his handlers that he is losing,
Speaker 1: and losing by enough that, however close the popular vote
Speaker 1: might turn out to be, he will lose handily and
Speaker 1: decisively in the electoral College, and his only chance now
Speaker 1: is to foment another insurrection, whether by violence or via
Speaker 1: the machinations of that little shit eating Weasels. Speaker of
Speaker 1: the House Mike Johnson Axios. It's Mike Allen reporting this.
Speaker 1: Possibly the most gullible and easily led man in the
Speaker 1: history of American journalism, and I include Bill Hemmer and
Speaker 1: everybody else who's ever worked at Fox News. Mike Allen,
Speaker 1: possibly the most gulliblelan in journalism or whatever he's actually in.
Speaker 1: Presented this as a scoop. I quote a new internal
Speaker 1: memo by Tony Fabrizio, chief polster for all three of
Speaker 1: Trump's presidential campaigns, tells the former president he's in a
Speaker 1: radically better position than he was right before the twenty
Speaker 1: twenty election. Mike, this is not a scoop, It's a
Speaker 1: press release. Why it matters. The memo reflects the exuberance
Speaker 1: that Trump staffers and allies exude in interviews and behind
Speaker 1: the scenes conversations. The optimistic framing could make it even
Speaker 1: more difficult for Trump followers to accept a law as legitimate.
Speaker 1: Mike has just hit the lead there at that end
Speaker 1: of that sentence and hasn't even noticed. Might make it
Speaker 1: even more difficult for Trump followers to accept a loss
Speaker 1: as legitimate. But back to his scoop. The memo addressed
Speaker 1: to capital letters only Team Trump has the subject line
Speaker 1: President Trump is on the verge to some degree. It
Speaker 1: is terrifying, and not just for the fact that this
Speaker 1: guy Allen has founded two of the larger news organizations
Speaker 1: and two of the newer successful news organizations in this
Speaker 1: country in the last fifteen years. It's terrifying because it
Speaker 1: sounds like they have internal data that suggests they're winning,
Speaker 1: and then we discovered what actually happened here. Quote Fabrizio
Speaker 1: draws on Real Clear Politics polling averages to argue that
Speaker 1: Trump's position nationally and in every single battleground state is
Speaker 1: significantly better today than it was for years ago. I
Speaker 1: point this out not to stoke over confidence or complacency,
Speaker 1: but to illustrate just how close this election is and
Speaker 1: that victory is within our reach. The upholster ads they
Speaker 1: needed to plant this somewhere, and somebody said plants, like
Speaker 1: in ferns plants. Oh, of course, Mike Allen. Let me
Speaker 1: explain real clear politics for a moment. Real clear politics
Speaker 1: is the Rasmussen made up numbers. And remember the Rasmussen organizations.
Speaker 1: There's now two different sets of Rasmussen polls. The Rasmussins
Speaker 1: are the people who invented ESPN and then sold it
Speaker 1: for like eighty seven dollars. That's where they started. Somebody
Speaker 1: who got fired as a local sportscaster in Hartford, Connecticut
Speaker 1: invented ESPN and gave it away for nothing. They're now
Speaker 1: in the polling business, except they don't do real polls.
Speaker 1: They just produce numbers that Republicans like. So real clear politics,
Speaker 1: the real Clear Politics average is the Rasmussen made up
Speaker 1: poll plus some disreputable ones. As I have been saying
Speaker 1: for a month, October would be devoted to various organizations
Speaker 1: you have never heard from or heard of before, issuing
Speaker 1: polls showing Trump leading by ten, Trump leading by seventeen
Speaker 1: in Michigan, Trump leading in Wisconsin, Trump ahead uncatchably in Pennsylvania,
Speaker 1: maybe in some state, Trump leading four million, three hundred
Speaker 1: and twenty seven two hundred and sixty one votes to nothing,
Speaker 1: things like that. So the Rasmussen numbers are the more
Speaker 1: reliable ones, and the real Clear Politics result is there
Speaker 1: solely to make Republican voters think they are winning and
Speaker 1: to set up another Trump insurrection, to stoke the idea
Speaker 1: if it were not stoked enough by this psychopath. Every
Speaker 1: time he opens his orange blow up sex doll mouth,
Speaker 1: as we saw in the shots of him from Wisconsin
Speaker 1: in the Orange vest. And I'm sorry for the imagery,
Speaker 1: but the imagery is way worse than me talking about
Speaker 1: the imagery. It's worse than every time he opens his
Speaker 1: mouth and that stuff comes out. Because here it is
Speaker 1: in print, it must be true. It's real clear politics.
Speaker 1: We know that's good because it says real clear. Trump
Speaker 1: has been questioning the vote in Pennsylvania for a week now.
Speaker 1: Has been threatening legal action, has been threatening to get
Speaker 1: people arrested, has been insisting there has been fraud, has
Speaker 1: been insisting that there have been ballot stolen and there
Speaker 1: were ballots stolen by Republicans. Has been insisting it's all
Speaker 1: fixed in Pennsylvania. It's already happening. And there's only one
Speaker 1: possible explanation for that. He knows, or somebody knows, looking
Speaker 1: at you, Tony Fabrizio, that the internals, particularly in Pennsylvania,
Speaker 1: and the early voting particularly and in Pennsylvania are bad
Speaker 1: enough to cost him that pivotal Keystone state. And here's
Speaker 1: the evidence of it from Politico, which still occasionally occasionally
Speaker 1: runs an actual news story as opposed to something planted
Speaker 1: by the GOP. Trump is lagging Kamala Harris in Pennsylvania
Speaker 1: early voting with a critical and once reliable Republican constituency,
Speaker 1: seniors in Pennsylvania, where voters over the age of sixty five,
Speaker 1: Holy crap, that would be me, have cast nearly half
Speaker 1: of the early ballots. Registered Democrats account for about fifty
Speaker 1: eight percent of votes cast by seniors, compared to thirty
Speaker 1: five percent for Republicans. That's despite both parties having roughly
Speaker 1: equal numbers of registered voters aged sixty five and older.
Speaker 1: I will point something out to you that sounds shocking
Speaker 1: if you are not sixty five or older, But once
Speaker 1: you get to sixty five, as I am, suddenly becomes
Speaker 1: well to use a phrase, real clear, you do tend
Speaker 1: to think in terms of if I get this done now,
Speaker 1: it'll be done in case I die suddenly. Like voting
Speaker 1: in advance, Oh my god, I get a two week advantage.
Speaker 1: My vote will still count even if I'm dead, or
Speaker 1: if I die on election morning. It's not morbid. It's
Speaker 1: not prophesying your own death. It's not doubting you're gonna
Speaker 1: make it. It's just you know, planning, Like while you're
Speaker 1: out and you're near a post office and you get
Speaker 1: a whole row of stamps. I'm not gonna use them
Speaker 1: all today. Remember what the idea here is and why
Speaker 1: Trump has been continually talking about Pennsylvania. Pennsylvania is the key,
Speaker 1: but not because Trump is going to win in Pennsylvania.
Speaker 1: Because all that, from what I can tell, the internal
Speaker 1: polls inside the camp at Harris HQ suggest the other
Speaker 1: that they are going to win, That all of their
Speaker 1: trends in Pennsylvania are positive, that they have been positive
Speaker 1: and ever more so positive since she took over the
Speaker 1: nomination in July, and that they've been moving incrementally one
Speaker 1: tenth of one percent a day every day since then
Speaker 1: in every category except nazis that they might win the
Speaker 1: state of Pennsylvania by more than Biden did, That they
Speaker 1: might get to six figures. They might win the state
Speaker 1: by one hundred thousand votes. That would be a comparative landslide.
Speaker 1: That they might win all the swing states, seven swing states,
Speaker 1: by a total of four hundred thousand votes. We'll take it, because,
Speaker 1: of course, what the result would be in the electoral
Speaker 1: college is the same as if you won each of
Speaker 1: those swing states by ten million votes. Remember the Trump
Speaker 1: idea here. If there is no electoral path to victory,
Speaker 1: you force a contingent election. And again just to go
Speaker 1: over that, that is one in which for some reason
Speaker 1: there are not enough electors, there are not a clear
Speaker 1: majority being presented, and the electoral decision is made by
Speaker 1: the House of Representatives. One vote per state, and obviously
Speaker 1: that would be like at the conventions. There's one vote
Speaker 1: per state, the majority in that state in terms of
Speaker 1: the Electoral college, in terms of the House of Representatives,
Speaker 1: group would get the one vote. Most of the states
Speaker 1: are Republican. Therefore Trump would win thirty seven to twenty three.
Speaker 1: But you can't accomplish that, as we heard earlier this
Speaker 1: week in the Peace in the Washington Post by professors
Speaker 1: Lawrence Tribe Neil Buchanan to Michael Dorf, you can't do
Speaker 1: that simply by holding up the Pennsylvania delegation. That's where
Speaker 1: you start. You say, oh, there's something wrong with the
Speaker 1: Pennsylvania delegation. What you would need to do is, depending
Speaker 1: on the margin of victory for Kamala Harris, you'd either
Speaker 1: need to hold up two other states Pennsylvania and Arizona
Speaker 1: and Wisconsin say, if she won all three of those,
Speaker 1: and then suddenly Trump would have the majority of the
Speaker 1: available votes at the Electoral College and he would be
Speaker 1: the winner, with the other ones being recorded as zero votes.
Speaker 1: The other option is, of course, to try to get
Speaker 1: an alternate vote of electors in there, no matter what
Speaker 1: the outcome is, if Trump indeed loses Pennsylvania, you somehow
Speaker 1: get a second set of electors. The twenty twenty Eastman plan,
Speaker 1: the alternate electors. You just have been planning it and
Speaker 1: working on it and refining it and making it legal
Speaker 1: and lining it up with the judges four years in advance,
Speaker 1: four years of groundwork to this point. The idea that
Speaker 1: came to them far too late for it to actually
Speaker 1: work in twenty twenty has been percolating ever since. So
Speaker 1: that's the idea. Keep selling the idea that he is
Speaker 1: winning and has had it stolen from him, and take
Speaker 1: your chances with violence or with Mike Johnson and the
Speaker 1: little secret that they have going for them. It is
Speaker 1: either a coup by murder, which again can be responded
Speaker 1: to by tanks, or a coup by Mike Johnson. And
Speaker 1: you just have to ask yourself, if you're a president
Speaker 1: of the United States, and Mike Johnson tries to steal
Speaker 1: the election, what do you do? My advice to President
Speaker 1: Biden would be, Hey, the other idea works well here too.
Speaker 1: Mike Johnson tries to steal the election, get the tanks
Speaker 1: out anyway. Yeah, he would respond the way the guy
Speaker 1: did at Tiananmen Square. No stop, anybody see Mike Johnson
Speaker 1: around here anywhere? Well, check the pavement. He may be
Speaker 1: down there somewhere. Crazily enough, all of what I am
Speaker 1: postulating in Pennsylvania and elsewhere, and this idea that Trump
Speaker 1: at least is being told that he is winning so
Speaker 1: he can sell them is part and parcel of a
Speaker 1: larger idea to make it look to the Trump crazies
Speaker 1: that they are well ahead and having the stolen from them.
Speaker 1: It would match what otherwise would look like the Trump
Speaker 1: campaign deliberately trying to lose. The things that have been
Speaker 1: done in the last week, including with the availability of
Speaker 1: a little perspective of time, including the Madison Square Garden
Speaker 1: event a week ago Sunday, could be attempts simply to
Speaker 1: gin up that racist base. Because they continue to pull
Speaker 1: out all the stops to fire up those people. The
Speaker 1: white supremacists. The white supremacists. After all, if you go
Speaker 1: look at the videotape from January sixth, these are the
Speaker 1: people who being told Trump is winning and there has
Speaker 1: been fraud, and that it has been stolen from them.
Speaker 1: They are the ones most likely to have the guns
Speaker 1: and the most likely to have fun storming the castle. Again,
Speaker 1: remember the other night, the attempt to turn garbage into
Speaker 1: a pro Trump message, Trump and the garbage truck, Trump
Speaker 1: and the garbage man's orange outfit, and the previous reference
Speaker 1: to the blow up sex doll Trump garbage force one.
Speaker 1: In one of those speeches in Wisconsin, Trump said Harris
Speaker 1: even though she didn't say it, Biden said it, and
Speaker 1: he didn't say it. He was quoting the guy Tony
Speaker 1: race Bait, whatever the name of the former comedian is.
Speaker 1: He said it. But Trump said Harris had insulted two
Speaker 1: hundred and fifty million Americans, and setting aside the facts
Speaker 1: of who said what about garbage for a moment, where
Speaker 1: does that number come from? Where does two hundred and
Speaker 1: fifty million Americans come from? I mean, even Trump can't
Speaker 1: get that wrong. That's not the population of the United States,
Speaker 1: and that's not his base that's not his voting total.
Speaker 1: We are at, depending on the count, three hundred and
Speaker 1: thirty six million or nearly so in this country as
Speaker 1: of the beginning of this year, probably three forty five. Now,
Speaker 1: there were eighty one million Biden voters in twenty twenty,
Speaker 1: seventy four million Trump voters in twenty twenty. So that's
Speaker 1: eighty five one hundred and fifty five million. Where does
Speaker 1: two hundred and fifty million come from? Well, sir, per
Speaker 1: Statista resident population of the United States by race, Black
Speaker 1: or African American forty five million, seven hundred sixty thousand.
Speaker 1: They have American, Indian, and Alaska, and they over here,
Speaker 1: what's this white? Two hundred and fifty two million, seventy thousand. Why,
Speaker 1: that's a coincidence. Two hundred and fifty two million. So
Speaker 1: Trump was actually being conservative when he said she had
Speaker 1: offended two hundred and fifty million people. He means white people.
Speaker 1: He means racist white people. And thank god, it's not
Speaker 1: two hundred and fifty million racist white people. But there's
Speaker 1: a lot. I don't know if you'd noticed that. Now,
Speaker 1: the two hundred and fifty two million in the Statista
Speaker 1: number includes and this is a clunky and if it
Speaker 1: is an offensive term, and I would think it would be,
Speaker 1: I apologize. You know what is meant by this white Hispanics,
Speaker 1: non African Hispanics, Hispanic African Americans. That's the number. It's
Speaker 1: Caucasians plus white Latinos, and you get the point. The
Speaker 1: point is the number, and Trump thinks he's got them,
Speaker 1: and so Trump is referencing them as America and everybody
Speaker 1: else can go to hell. Two hundred and fifty million
Speaker 1: Americans and the rest of you are sol Now, it
Speaker 1: is possible he's just being fed what he wants to
Speaker 1: hear by his handlers, just as his voters are being
Speaker 1: fed what they want to hear. I would never use
Speaker 1: the term victim when it comes to Trump, but it
Speaker 1: is clearly possible that he has long since lost the
Speaker 1: ability to process this or lead this campaign, and he
Speaker 1: is simply being fed material by the Stephen Millers and
Speaker 1: this guy from the beginning here that was this name,
Speaker 1: Tony the polster. Fabrizio smells bad in here, sprits some
Speaker 1: Fabrizio around the room. It is either Trump's last again
Speaker 1: wrong term, intellectual gasp, or it's being what he is
Speaker 1: being told. But clearly he has been told go heavy
Speaker 1: on the whole white people thing, especially the white males.
Speaker 1: So now we have attack the minorities even more like
Speaker 1: the other Tony at Madison Square Garden. And don't forget
Speaker 1: to attack women because women, as we keep hearing, women
Speaker 1: who don't vote the way their husbands tell them to
Speaker 1: are going to hell. That message has been pushed through
Speaker 1: forughout the last week. But so go after the independent
Speaker 1: women and say extraordinary things like He's going to protect
Speaker 1: women whether they like it or not, whether they like
Speaker 1: it or not, whether they like it or not, women,
Speaker 1: whether they like it or not. Why that sounds like
Speaker 1: what a rapist might say.
Speaker 2: I want to protect the people. I want to protect
Speaker 2: the women of our country. I want to protect the women. Sir,
Speaker 2: Please don't say that. Why they said, we think it's
Speaker 2: we think it's very inappropriate for you to say. So
Speaker 2: I'm going to do it, whether the women like it
Speaker 2: or not. I'm going to protect them.
Speaker 3: I will comment on the former president Donald Trump's remark
Speaker 3: about women and whether they like it or not, and listen,
Speaker 3: it's just it actually is I think very offensive to
Speaker 3: women in terms of not understanding their agency, their authority,
Speaker 3: their right and their ability to make decisions about their
Speaker 3: own lives, including their own bodies. And this is just
Speaker 3: the latest on a series of reveals by the former
Speaker 3: of how he thinks about.
Speaker 1: Women, whether they like it or not, that would fit
Speaker 1: in with the entirety of Donald Trump's life on this earth.
Speaker 1: Now they have not given up on getting women to
Speaker 1: vote for him. Trump's ads, particularly the ones that ran
Speaker 1: during the World Series, and I'd like to point out
Speaker 1: that the increased ratings in the World Series were largely
Speaker 1: due to the fact that viewers in New York and
Speaker 1: California were watching two of the bluest states. There are,
Speaker 1: so any Trump ad being shown to the large audience
Speaker 1: in Los Angeles, San Francisco, New York City total waste
Speaker 1: of money. But all of those ads were about women
Speaker 1: needing to be afraid of minority men, especially immigrants. And
Speaker 1: just in case you missed the point and it was
Speaker 1: too subtle for you, with the bunch of old ladies
Speaker 1: sitting around the diners saying they were spat on while
Speaker 1: taking their dog for a walk, Rudy Giuliani decided enough
Speaker 1: of this subtlety and new once I'm just gonna come
Speaker 1: out and get this close to using the terms bunny
Speaker 1: and jungle in the same sentence they years ago.
Speaker 2: They just shouldn't have been taken out of the jungle
Speaker 2: and placed in the middle of a small town America.
Speaker 1: That's ridiculous, or be town America for that matter. There
Speaker 1: is still time to bet on whether Trump or one
Speaker 1: of his surrogates drops the N word before Tuesday. I mean, Rudy, Jungle,
Speaker 1: You're so close, You're getting there. Rudy's back, baby. More
Speaker 1: signs they're trying to gin up outrage, any outrage. You
Speaker 1: may recall the plan to immunize the police. Policeman shoots
Speaker 1: some innocent bystander up, you can't prosecute him, you can't
Speaker 1: sue him, you can't fire him. And who does he
Speaker 1: have to thank for that? Donald Trump? Therefore, who does
Speaker 1: ever repolicemen in the country work for? Donald Trump now
Speaker 1: plans once again to take over the police force by
Speaker 1: defunding the police as Trump protests correction, as Trump promises
Speaker 1: the largest mass deportation of undocumented immigrants in US history
Speaker 1: if re elected, His team is considering withholding federal police
Speaker 1: grants from local law enforcement agencies that decline to take
Speaker 1: part in the deportations. Three sources close to the Trump
Speaker 1: campaign told NBC News tried it last time. But the
Speaker 1: point is, if the cops are immunized and they see
Speaker 1: there's no funding and they work for Trump and the
Speaker 1: cities try to stop the mass deportation and killing of
Speaker 1: immigrants and people who will defend them, why the cops
Speaker 1: can then turn around and be used against the leaders
Speaker 1: of the local cities. So, for instance, here in New York,
Speaker 1: immunized conservative cops in this city who live on Long
Speaker 1: Island for the most part, or Staten Island, could be
Speaker 1: used to arrest Mayor Eric Adams. And what a miscarriage
Speaker 1: of Wait a minute, I'll get back to you on
Speaker 1: that idea. More comically, the website Red State, which may
Speaker 1: be bought by the Onion simply because the content on
Speaker 1: Red State is far more satirically funny than even the
Speaker 1: best of the revivified Onion. Plus, if they merged, it
Speaker 1: would be the Red Onion breaking another Mike Allen scoop
Speaker 1: at Red State. Oh no, he doesn't work there. For
Speaker 1: the moment breaking, Trump sues CBS News for gigantic sum
Speaker 1: over sixty minutes fiasco. Well, I don't know. I got
Speaker 1: a story coming up later about Russia suing Google for
Speaker 1: more money than there is in the world. Trump sues
Speaker 1: CBS News for jike antic some over sixty minutes fiasco.
Speaker 1: It was the journalism fail heard round the world. Well, no,
Speaker 1: it was on CBS. CBS News is long running show
Speaker 1: sixty minutes interview Democrat presidential nominee Kamala Harrison early October,
Speaker 1: but presented two different versions of her answering a question
Speaker 1: about Israel. Clearly one of those answers had to be
Speaker 1: deceptively edited. Clearly, some overwork bastard in the edit room
Speaker 1: put the wrong answer with the wrong cutaway of the
Speaker 1: wrong question. I don't know how many times I saw
Speaker 1: this happen. I don't know how many times I saw
Speaker 1: it happen at my college radio station. Now Trump is
Speaker 1: taking action, ensuing the network for a staggering ten billion
Speaker 1: dollars in damages, stating the network practiced deceptive conduct for
Speaker 1: the purpose of election interference in its interview with Vice
Speaker 1: President Kamala Harris, Trump attorney said the complaint comes due
Speaker 1: to CBS's partisan and unlas lawful acts of election and
Speaker 1: voter interference through malicious, deceptive and substantial news distortion calculated
Speaker 1: to confuse, deceive, and mislead the public. Confuse, deceive, and
Speaker 1: mislead the public, isn't it the motto of the Trump campaign,
Speaker 1: translated into into pig Latin. Trump attorneys also argue the
Speaker 1: edits were done in an effort to attempt to tip
Speaker 1: the scales in favor of the Democratic Party. Wait a minute,
Speaker 1: somebody wrote democratic instead of Democrat. Fire him. As the
Speaker 1: heated twenty twenty four presidential election, which President Trump is leading,
Speaker 1: approaches its conclusion And what was the reaction to this
Speaker 1: at CBS and CBS News. Well, of course they were
Speaker 1: delighted because this is the first time anybody has suggested
Speaker 1: that there were enough people watching to influence the election. Ooh,
Speaker 1: also of interest here, thank you for your kind words
Speaker 1: about my rescue puppy Kit and the changes that I
Speaker 1: am going to enact in this As you may have heard,
Speaker 1: principally now the script is ad libbed. The promotional efforts
Speaker 1: for this podcast are down to a minimum because I
Speaker 1: want to spend the next couple of weeks with Kit
Speaker 1: before he has his surgery, which has now been scheduled.
Speaker 1: We've gotten an extraordinary surgeon to do it, and the
Speaker 1: situation is much more hopeful today than it was yesterday.
Speaker 1: And thank you for the kind messages of support and
Speaker 1: the prayers. And Kit continues to scratch me in the
Speaker 1: face just to say hello. I'll keep you updated on
Speaker 1: Kit and still ahead of us here in Worse Persons,
Speaker 1: one of my favorite worst persons stories in years, One
Speaker 1: of my favorite in years. It's not only ridiculous, stupid, nonsensical, hilarious,
Speaker 1: but it involves Tucker Carlson. Tucker Carlson says he's been
Speaker 1: mould in his sleep by demon monochronk Guy a CBS
Speaker 1: News that's next. This has come down.
Speaker 3: This is countdown with Keith Alberman.
Speaker 1: Still ahead on this ediative countdown. If this is the
Speaker 1: last weekend before the election, there can be only one
Speaker 1: Thurber with which to leave you, the one where he
Speaker 1: saw the Advent of Trump, which he wrote in nineteen
Speaker 1: thirty one. The ending is the best part. First, there
Speaker 1: are still more new idiots to talk about. The daily
Speaker 1: roundup of the miss grants, morons and Dunning Kruger effects
Speaker 1: specimens who constitute today's worst persons in the world. The
Speaker 1: Bronze the worst, the government of Russia. This is an
Speaker 1: epic headline from BBC News Russia finds Google more money
Speaker 1: than there is in the entire world. Russia media outlet
Speaker 1: RBC reports the fine on Google relates to the restriction
Speaker 1: of content of seventeen Russian media channels on YouTube. A
Speaker 1: Russian court has fined Google two Undiscilian rubles that's a two,
Speaker 1: followed by thirty six zeros for restricting Russian state propaganda channels.
Speaker 1: In dollar terms, that means Google owes the government of
Speaker 1: Russia twenty commas zero zero zero zero zero zero zero
Speaker 1: zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero
Speaker 1: zero zero zero zero zero zero dollars and ninety eight
Speaker 1: cents I made up the last part. That is much more.
Speaker 1: According to the International Monetary Fund, then there is money
Speaker 1: in the entire world's gross domestic product, which is allegedly,
Speaker 1: according to the IMF, the impossible missions Force, one hundred
Speaker 1: and ten trillion dollars. As in a sign, how come
Speaker 1: every time we refer to and they do it on
Speaker 1: the business channels hourly, the International Monetary Fund, the IMF,
Speaker 1: how come nobody ever says, what about Peter Graves and
Speaker 1: the impossible Mission Force. If you decide to accept this,
Speaker 1: Greg Morris will explode. The fine has reached these gargantuan levels,
Speaker 1: according to the BBC, quoting Tasks the Soviet News Agency,
Speaker 1: which is somehow still in business. It's because it rapidly
Speaker 1: increases all the time, because it doubles every day, and
Speaker 1: it's been doubling every day since the year twenty twenty.
Speaker 1: According to Task, the Kremlin spokesman Dmitri Preskoff admitted that
Speaker 1: he cannot even pronounce this number. Well, of course, if
Speaker 1: that's the definition of a lot, there's an awful lot
Speaker 1: of things that Dmitri Preskoff and the Russian government can't pronounce.
Speaker 1: Google management should pay attention. So it's more money than
Speaker 1: there is in the entire world. Two undecillion rubles. Now.
Speaker 1: The bad news for Russia is, of course, that's how
Speaker 1: much Trump owes it too. Runner up worser Elon Musk.
Speaker 1: If you haven't noticed this, Elon Musk has gone full Nazi.
Speaker 1: There's a neo Nazi account called im yes you are
Speaker 1: No that wrote we live in a society of double
Speaker 1: standards and posted wiki entries for black pride and white pride,
Speaker 1: indicating that black pride is a good thing and white
Speaker 1: pride is you know. Musk answered this to his whatever
Speaker 1: two hundred million followers what was the number in the
Speaker 1: Russian case, to undecillion replies. Is the Anti Defamation League
Speaker 1: still pushing this too? Hello, anti Semitism. You can take
Speaker 1: the South African drugged up intellectual thief out of the
Speaker 1: apartheid state, but you can't take the apartheid state out
Speaker 1: of the South African drugged up intellectual thief. The good news, though,
Speaker 1: is Musk has bought a compound in Texas or his
Speaker 1: various women and children, so he's going the full David
Speaker 1: Koresh evidently. So get those tanks ready, everybody. I'm telling
Speaker 1: you this is just a piece of advice from an
Speaker 1: old man. Put him out of business. I'm not saying
Speaker 1: harm him. I'm just saying remove him from our society
Speaker 1: as quickly as we can. Or one day he's going
Speaker 1: to press a button somewhere and all of his self
Speaker 1: driving cars will attack us. Actually, what harm would that
Speaker 1: do if he pressed a button for all the self
Speaker 1: driving cars to do anything? They just stall out or explode.
Speaker 1: The winner, though, the worst, speaking of Elon Musk speaking
Speaker 1: of Donald Trump, speaking of Russia. Tucker Carlson, he went
Speaker 1: on a podcast called Christianities. I believe this is a
Speaker 1: combination of the term christian and inanity, although they don't
Speaker 1: realize that perhaps the subject was good versus evil. There
Speaker 1: is a conservative writer named Rod Dreyer who says, yeah,
Speaker 1: this is all true. Carlson told this story a year ago. That,
Speaker 1: of course, is about the time that Carlson began to
Speaker 1: fully lose his mind. And also those pains began and
Speaker 1: the mark started showing up on his body. You think
Speaker 1: I'm kidding about that. Let me just read you some
Speaker 1: of this. After all this, he said he had an
Speaker 1: urge to read the Bible. Asked about good versus evil
Speaker 1: and the manifestations of evil in society by the host,
Speaker 1: mister religious psychopath of the day, I had a direct
Speaker 1: experience with it, Tucker Carlson says, in the milieu of journalism,
Speaker 1: He's asked, who says milieu. There was a guy wearing
Speaker 1: a monocle when he said this in the milieu of journalism. No,
Speaker 1: Tucker Carlson answers, in my bed at night, and I
Speaker 1: got attacked while I was asleep with my wife and
Speaker 1: four dogs and mauled physically mauled. I'm just gonna as
Speaker 1: a as a side step aside here and just ask
Speaker 1: if you woke up mauled in your bed at night
Speaker 1: by evidently some sort of outside force, that's your first conclusion,
Speaker 1: it was by some sort of spiritual evil, and your
Speaker 1: wife and your four dogs are there. I mean, I
Speaker 1: have four dogs and occasionally I'm joined by well, wife
Speaker 1: is too strong a term. I'm occasionally joined and and
Speaker 1: if I woke up mauled, I would suspect one of them,
Speaker 1: some of the past, some of the exes, I would
Speaker 1: suspect them first. Some of the dogs, I would suspect
Speaker 1: them first too. I mean little Kit, who I love
Speaker 1: and and and as you know, changing the format of
Speaker 1: this podcast for little Kid likes to throw hands. Little
Speaker 1: kid comes over and gives me kisses and then punches
Speaker 1: me in the face. And he's pretty good at it too.
Speaker 1: He's got a good left and right. So I'm just saying,
Speaker 1: if you wound up whoever you are, if you wound
Speaker 1: up in the middle of the night where you got
Speaker 1: mauled with scratches all over your body, particularly if you're
Speaker 1: Tucker Carlson. I'm suspecting the wife. So anyway, the host
Speaker 1: asks in a spiritual attack by a demon, and his
Speaker 1: monocle pops out as he asked that question. Yeah, Tucker
Speaker 1: Carlson says, by a demon or by something unseen that
Speaker 1: left claw marks on my sides. The guy says, so
Speaker 1: it left physical marks, and the monocle pops back in.
Speaker 1: Carlson says, oh, oh they're still there. Yeah, yeah, a
Speaker 1: year and a half ago. All right, So you got
Speaker 1: cut up by your wife, probably maybe in her sleep,
Speaker 1: just as a manifestation of her frustration all these years
Speaker 1: to being married to one of the biggest assholes in
Speaker 1: human history, or by one of the dogs, because dogs
Speaker 1: know good people versus bad people. And I'm honestly surprised
Speaker 1: he's got four dogs and they haven't killed him and
Speaker 1: eaten him yet. Every once in a while, my dogs
Speaker 1: look at me and go, well, we think you're a
Speaker 1: good guy. But we have had meetings about this, and
Speaker 1: there's still physical marks. Tucker Carlson is still he has
Speaker 1: got physical marks that were inflicted a year and a
Speaker 1: half ago, and he hasn't like like seen and bought
Speaker 1: some back teen and put it on there some neosporin,
Speaker 1: a couple of band aids. I mean, I worked in
Speaker 1: the same place with Tucker Carlson for nearly three years,
Speaker 1: and he is legitimately that great gap between what you
Speaker 1: think your IQ is and what it really is. His
Speaker 1: might be as large as Trump's. He believes his IQ
Speaker 1: is up around two hundred, it's actually closer to two.
Speaker 1: There is no more self satisfied, self convinced, never doubting
Speaker 1: person in the history of the world. Go back and
Speaker 1: look at the interview with John Stewart, who I also
Speaker 1: do not support. Go back and look at John stewart
Speaker 1: interview on CNN's Crossfire years ago where John Stewart canceled
Speaker 1: Tucker Carlson and the show Crossfire by saying what damage
Speaker 1: Tucker Carlson was doing to society? And it's not until
Speaker 1: the very last moment after John Stewart has left a
Speaker 1: series of marks on Tucker Carlson's side, So until the
Speaker 1: last moment that Carlson realizes he's being cut up and
Speaker 1: left for roadkill and start, I'm not joking the early
Speaker 1: version of the psychonic laugh. That's him, Tucker Carlson. Maybe
Speaker 1: John Stewart left these marks in the middle of the night,
Speaker 1: although he would have filmed it and run it and
Speaker 1: then said I'm really good. Okay, back to the conversation
Speaker 1: on Christianity. Oh they're still there. Yeah, yeah, year and
Speaker 1: a half ago. The interlocutor says, was your wife terrified?
Speaker 1: I know you were. I wasn't. I was totally confused,
Speaker 1: like that's an uncommon feeling. I woke up and I
Speaker 1: couldn't breathe, and I thought I was going to suffocate,
Speaker 1: and I walked around outside and then I walked in
Speaker 1: and my wife and dogs had not woken up, and
Speaker 1: they're very light sleepers. And then I had these terrible
Speaker 1: pains on my rib cage and on my shoulder, and
Speaker 1: I was just in my boxer shorts, and I went
Speaker 1: and flipped on the light in the bathroom and I
Speaker 1: had four claw marks on either side, underneath my arms
Speaker 1: and on my left shoulder and they're bleeding. Well, this
Speaker 1: alarm's monocle. Boy, Wait, they were bleeding. Carlson says, they
Speaker 1: were bleeding. Yeah, no actual claw marks. And I sleep
Speaker 1: on my side, so I wasn't clawing myself. Again. I'm
Speaker 1: going to step aside from the quote to ask this question.
Speaker 1: You wake up suddenly apparently not feeling anything, no pain,
Speaker 1: no attack, no presence of any other force living, dead
Speaker 1: or trump in the room. You feel nothing, and suddenly
Speaker 1: you wake up and you're bleeding from claw marks on
Speaker 1: the sides. And your first thought is to say, have
Speaker 1: I been clawing myself? Because of course everybody sleeps like that,
Speaker 1: dragging somehow, razors, sharp fingernails, or I don't know, gardening
Speaker 1: tools against your rip cage while you sleep, because that's
Speaker 1: perfectly normal. And actually, the more I think about it,
Speaker 1: I think maybe I heard something like that with Tucker Carlson,
Speaker 1: that he keeps gardening tools in bed with him and
Speaker 1: claws himself every night. I don't have long nails and
Speaker 1: they didn't fit my hands anyway. Well, there it is.
Speaker 1: That must be the reference to the gardening tools. So
Speaker 1: he's saying the claw marks the first thing he did.
Speaker 1: The first thing he did was check to see if
Speaker 1: he had done this to himself in an unconscious attempt
Speaker 1: to literally kill himself painfully. If this lasts for more
Speaker 1: than three hours, see your physician. But yeah, Tucker Carlson concludes,
Speaker 1: that happened. Tucker, you think that was demons. No, that
Speaker 1: was that was me, Tucker Carlson, Today's worst president in
Speaker 1: the world. Sit back and relax, if relas is the
Speaker 1: right word for it, for the greatest man in the
Speaker 1: world by James Thurber. Looking back on it now from
Speaker 1: the vantage point of nineteen forty, one can only marvel
Speaker 1: that it had not happened. Long before it did. The
Speaker 1: United States of America had been ever since Kitty Hawk
Speaker 1: blindly constructing the elaborate petard by which, sooner or later
Speaker 1: it must be hoist. It was inevitable that someday there
Speaker 1: would come, roaring out of the skies a national hero
Speaker 1: of insufficient intelligence, background and character, successfully to endure the
Speaker 1: mounting orgies of glory prepared for aviators who stayed up
Speaker 1: for a long time or flew a great distance. Both
Speaker 1: Lindbergh and Byrd, fortunately for national decorum and international amity,
Speaker 1: had been gentlemen, So had our other famous aviators. They
Speaker 1: wore their laurels, gracefully, withstood the awful weather of publicity,
Speaker 1: married excellent women, usually fine family, and quietly retired to
Speaker 1: private life and the enjoyment of their varying fortunes. No
Speaker 1: untoward incidents on a worldwide scale, marred the perfection of
Speaker 1: their conduct on the perilous heights of fame. The exception
Speaker 1: to the rule was, however, bound to occur, and it
Speaker 1: did in July nineteen thirty seven, when Jack Pal Smirch
Speaker 1: erstwhile mechanics helper in a small garage in Westfield, Iowa,
Speaker 1: flew a second hand, single motored Breasthaven Dragonfly three monoplane
Speaker 1: all the way around the world without stopping. Never before
Speaker 1: in the history of aviation had such a flight as
Speaker 1: Smirches even been dreamed of. No one had even taken
Speaker 1: seriously the weird floating auxiliary gas tanks invention of the
Speaker 1: mad New Hampshire professor of astronomy, doctor Charles U was Gresham,
Speaker 1: upon which Smirch placed full reliance. When the garage worker,
Speaker 1: a slightly built, surly unprepossessing young man of twenty two,
Speaker 1: appeared at Roosevelt Field early in July nineteen thirty seven,
Speaker 1: slowly chewing a great quid of scrap tobacco, and announced
Speaker 1: nobody ain't seen no flying yet. The newspapers touched briefly
Speaker 1: and satirically upon his projected twenty five thousand mile flight
Speaker 1: aeronautical and automotive experts dismissed the idea, curtly implying that
Speaker 1: it was a hoax, the publicity stunt. The rusty, battered
Speaker 1: second hand plane wouldn't go, the Gresham auxiliary tanks wouldn't work.
Speaker 1: It was simply a cheap joke smirch. However, after calling
Speaker 1: on a girl in Brooklyn who worked in the flap
Speaker 1: folding department of a large paper box factory, a girl
Speaker 1: whom he laid you're described as his sweet Petuti climbed
Speaker 1: nonchalantly into his ridiculous plane at dawn the memorable seventh
Speaker 1: of July nineteen thirty seven, spit a curve of tobacco
Speaker 1: juice into the still air, and took off, carrying with
Speaker 1: him only a gallon of bootleg gin and six pounds
Speaker 1: of salami. When the garage boy thundered out over the ocean,
Speaker 1: the papers were forced to record in all seriousness that
Speaker 1: a mad, unknown young man his name was variously misspelled,
Speaker 1: had actually set out upon a preposterous attempt to span
Speaker 1: the world in a rickety one engine contraption, trusting to
Speaker 1: the long distance refueling device of a crazy schoolmaster. When
Speaker 1: nine days later, without having stopped once the tiny plane
Speaker 1: appeared above San Francisco Bay, headed for New York, spluttering
Speaker 1: and choking, to be sure, but still magnificently and miraculously
Speaker 1: aloft the headlines, which long since had crowded everything something
Speaker 1: else off the front page. Even the shooting of the
Speaker 1: governor of Illinois by the Valetti Gang swelled to unprecedented size,
Speaker 1: and the news stories began to run to twenty five
Speaker 1: and thirty columns. It was noticeable, however, that the accounts
Speaker 1: of the epoch making flight touched rather lightly upon the
Speaker 1: aviator himself. This was not because the facts about the
Speaker 1: hero as a man were too meager, but because they
Speaker 1: were too complete. Reporters who had been rushed out to
Speaker 1: Iowa when Smirch's plane was first sighted over the little
Speaker 1: French coast town of Serlee Lemaire to dig up the
Speaker 1: story of the great man's life had promptly discovered that
Speaker 1: the story of his life could not be printed. His mother,
Speaker 1: a sullen short order cook and a shack restaurant on
Speaker 1: the edge of a tourist's camping ground near Westfield, met
Speaker 1: all inquiries as to her son with an angry and
Speaker 1: the hell with him he drowns. His father appeared to
Speaker 1: be in jail somewhere for stealing spotlights and lap robes
Speaker 1: from tourists automobiles. His young brother, a weak minded lad,
Speaker 1: had but recently escaped from the Preston, Iowa Reformatory, and
Speaker 1: was already wanted in several Western towns for the theft
Speaker 1: of money order blanks from post offices. These alarming discoveries
Speaker 1: were still piling up at the very time that pal Smirch,
Speaker 1: the greatest hero of the twentieth century, blear eyed, dead
Speaker 1: for sleep, half starved, was piloting his crazy junk heap
Speaker 1: high above the region in which the lamentable story of
Speaker 1: his private life was being unearthed, headed for New York
Speaker 1: and a greater glory than any man of his time
Speaker 1: had ever known. The necessity for printing some account in
Speaker 1: the papers of the young man's career and personality had
Speaker 1: led to a remarkable predicament. It was, of course, impossible
Speaker 1: to reveal the facts, for a tremendous popular feeling in
Speaker 1: favor of the young hero had sprung up like a
Speaker 1: grass fire when he was halfway across Europe. On his
Speaker 1: flight around the globe. He was therefore described as a modest,
Speaker 1: chap taciturn blonde, popular with his friends, popular with girls.
Speaker 1: The only available snapshot of Smirch, taken at the wheel
Speaker 1: of a phony automobile in a cheap photo studio at
Speaker 1: an amusement park, was touched up so that the little
Speaker 1: vulgarian looked quite handsome. His twisted leer was smoothed into
Speaker 1: a pleasant smile. The truth was in this way kept
Speaker 1: from the youth's ecstatic compatriots. They did not dream that
Speaker 1: the Smirch family was despised and feared by its neighbors
Speaker 1: in the obscure Iowa town, nor that the hero himself,
Speaker 1: because of numerous unsavory exploits, had come to be regarded
Speaker 1: in Westfield as a nuisance and a menace. Pal's Smirch had,
Speaker 1: the reporters discovered, once knife the principle of high school,
Speaker 1: not mortally, to be sure, but he had knifed him,
Speaker 1: and on another occasion, surprised in the act of an
Speaker 1: stealing altar cloth from a church, he had bashed the
Speaker 1: sexton over the head with a pot of Easter lilies.
Speaker 1: For each of these offenses he had served a sentence
Speaker 1: in the reformatory. Inwardly, the authorities, both in New York
Speaker 1: and in Washington, prayed that an understanding providence might, however awful,
Speaker 1: such a thing seemed, bring disaster to the rusty, battered
Speaker 1: plane and its illustrious pilot, whose unheard of flight had
Speaker 1: aroused the civilized world to hosannas of hysterical praise. The
Speaker 1: authorities were convinced that the character of the renowned aviator
Speaker 1: was such that the limelight of adulation was bound to
Speaker 1: reveal him to all the world as a congenital hooligan,
Speaker 1: mentally and morally unequipped to cope with his own prodigious fame.
Speaker 1: Trust said the Secretary of State at one of the
Speaker 1: many secret cabinet meetings called to consider the national dilemma.
Speaker 1: I trust that his mother's prayer will be answered, by
Speaker 1: which he referred to missus Emma's Smirch's wish that her
Speaker 1: son might be drowned. It was, however, too late for
Speaker 1: that Smirch had leaped the Atlantic and then the Pacific
Speaker 1: as if they were mill ponds. At three minutes after
Speaker 1: two o'clock on the afternoon of July seventeenth, nineteen thirty seven,
Speaker 1: the garage boy brought his idiotic plane into Roosevelt Field
Speaker 1: for a perfect three point landing. It had, of course
Speaker 1: been out of the question to arrange a modest little
Speaker 1: reception for the greatest flier in the history of the world.
Speaker 1: He was received at Roosevelt Field with such elaborate and
Speaker 1: pretentious ceremonies as rocked the world. Fortunately, however, the warren
Speaker 1: and spent hero promptly swooned, had to be removed bodily
Speaker 1: from his plane, and was spirited from the field with
Speaker 1: a having opened his mouth once. Thus he did not
Speaker 1: jeopardize the dignity of his first reception, a reception illumined
Speaker 1: by the presence of the Secretaries of War and the Navy,
Speaker 1: Mayor Michael J. Moriarty of New York, the Premier of Canada,
Speaker 1: Governors Fanamine Groves, mcpheey and Critchfield, and a brilliant array
Speaker 1: of European diplomats. Smirch did not, in fact come too
Speaker 1: in time to take part in the gigantic hullabaloo arranged
Speaker 1: at City Hall for the next day. He was rushed
Speaker 1: to a secluded nursing home and confined in bed. It
Speaker 1: was nine days before he was able to get up,
Speaker 1: or to be more exact, before he was permitted to
Speaker 1: get up. Meanwhile, the greatest minds in the country in
Speaker 1: solemn assembly, had arranged a secret conference of city, state
Speaker 1: and government officials, which Smirch was to attend for the
Speaker 1: purpose of being instructed in the ethics and behavior of heroism.
Speaker 1: On the day that the little mechanic was finally allowed
Speaker 1: to get up in dress, and for the first time
Speaker 1: in two weeks, took a great chew of tomacco, he
Speaker 1: was permitted to receive the newspaper men this by way
Speaker 1: of testing him out. Smirch did not wait for questions.
Speaker 1: Use guys, he said, and the Times Man winced. Use
Speaker 1: guys can tell a cock eyed world that I put
Speaker 1: it over on Lindbergh. See yeah, man, an assaid, I'm
Speaker 1: two frogs. The two frogs was a reference to a
Speaker 1: pair of gallant French flyers who, in attempting to flight
Speaker 1: only halfway round the world, had two weeks before unhappily
Speaker 1: been lost at sea. The Times Man was bold enough
Speaker 1: at this point to sketch out for Smirch the accepted
Speaker 1: formula for interviews in cases of this kind. He explained
Speaker 1: that there should be no arrogant statements belittling the achievements
Speaker 1: of other heroes, particularly heroes of foreign nations. A the
Speaker 1: hell with that, said Smirch. I did it. See I
Speaker 1: did it, and I'm talking about it, and he did
Speaker 1: talk about it. None of this extraordinary interview was, of
Speaker 1: course printed. On the contrary, the newspapers, already under the
Speaker 1: discipline direction of a secret directorate created for the occasion
Speaker 1: and composed of statesmen and editors, gave out to a
Speaker 1: panting and restless world that Jackie, as he had been
Speaker 1: arbitrarily nicknamed, would consent to say only that he was
Speaker 1: very happy, and that anyone could have done what he did.
Speaker 1: My achievement has been I fear slightly exaggerated. The times
Speaker 1: Man's article had him protest with a modest smile. These
Speaker 1: newspaper stories were kept from the hero, a restriction which
Speaker 1: did not serve to abate the rising malevolence of his temper.
Speaker 1: The situation was indeed extremely grave for Palell's Smirch was,
Speaker 1: as he kept insisting, raring to go. He could not
Speaker 1: much longer be kept from a nation clamor to lionize him.
Speaker 1: It was the most desperate crisis the United States of
Speaker 1: America had faced since the sinking of the Lusitania. On
Speaker 1: the afternoon of the twenty seventh of July, Smirch was
Speaker 1: spirited away to a conference room in which were gathered mayors, governors,
Speaker 1: government officials, behaviorist, psychologists, and editors. He gave them each
Speaker 1: a limp moist paw, and a brief, unlovely grin hi,
Speaker 1: he said. When Smirch was seated, the Mayor of New
Speaker 1: York arose and, with obvious pessimism, attempted to explain what
Speaker 1: he must say and how he must act when presented
Speaker 1: to the world, ending his talk with a high tribute
Speaker 1: to the hero's courage and integrity. The mayor was followed
Speaker 1: by Governor Fannmen of New York, who, after a touching
Speaker 1: declaration of faith, introduced Cameron Spottiswood, second Secretary of the
Speaker 1: American Embassy in Paris, the gentlemen selected to coach Smirch
Speaker 1: in the amenities of public ceremonies. Sitting in a chair
Speaker 1: with a soiled yellow tie in his hand and his
Speaker 1: shirt open at the throat, unshaved, smoking a rolled cigarette,
Speaker 1: Jack Smirch listened with a leer on his lips. I
Speaker 1: get you, I get you, He cut in nastily. You
Speaker 1: want me to act like a softie? Huh? You want
Speaker 1: me to act like that memny mumty baby face lind
Speaker 1: big huh, Well nuts to that. See. Everyone took in
Speaker 1: his breath sharply. It was a sigh and a hiss.
Speaker 1: Mister Lindbergh began. A United States Senator purple with rage,
Speaker 1: and mister bird Smirch, who was paring his nails with
Speaker 1: a jackknife, cut in again. Boyd, he exclaimed, Oh, for
Speaker 1: God's sake, that big Somebody shut off the blasphemies with
Speaker 1: a sharp word. A newcomer had entered the word the room.
Speaker 1: Everyone stood up, except Smirch, who was still busy with
Speaker 1: his nails, and he did not even glance up. Mister
Speaker 1: smur said someone sternly. The President of the United States.
Speaker 1: It had been thought that the presence of the Chief
Speaker 1: Executive might have a chastening effect on the young hero,
Speaker 1: and the former had been, thanks to the remarkable cooperation
Speaker 1: of the press, secretly brought to the obscure conference room.
Speaker 1: A great painful silence fell. Smirch looked up, waved a
Speaker 1: hand at the President. How are you coming? He asked,
Speaker 1: and began rolling a fresh cigarette. The silence deepened. Someone
Speaker 1: coughed in a strained way. Jesus hod ain't it, said smirch.
Speaker 1: He loosened two more shirt buttons, revealing a hairy chest
Speaker 1: and the tattooed word sadie enclosed in a stenciled heart.
Speaker 1: The great and important men in the room, faced by
Speaker 1: the most serious crisis in American history, exchanged worried frowns.
Speaker 1: Nobody seemed to know how to proceed. Come on, come on,
Speaker 1: said smirch. Let's get the hell out of here. When
Speaker 1: do I start cutting in on the parties? Huh? And
Speaker 1: when is there gonna be this in it? He rubbed
Speaker 1: a thumb and forefinger together meaningly. Money, exclaimed a state
Speaker 1: senator shocked Pale. Yeah, money, said pal, flipping his cigarette
Speaker 1: out of the window. And big money. He began rolling
Speaker 1: a fresh cigarette. Big money, he repeated. Frowning over the
Speaker 1: rice paper. He tilted back in his chair and leered
Speaker 1: at each gentleman separately, the leer of an animal that
Speaker 1: knows its power, the leer of a leopard loose in
Speaker 1: a bird and dog shop. Ah, for God's sake, let's
Speaker 1: get someplace where it's cool, he said, I've been cooped
Speaker 1: up plenty for three weeks. Smirch stood up and walked
Speaker 1: over to an open window, where he stood staring down
Speaker 1: into the street nine floors below. The faint shouting of
Speaker 1: newsboys floated up to him. He made out his name,
Speaker 1: hot Dog, he cried, grinning ecstatic. He leaned out over
Speaker 1: the sill. You tell him, babies, he shouted down, Hot
Speaker 1: Diggity Dog, and the tense little knot of men standing
Speaker 1: behind him a quick, mad impulse flared up. An unspoken
Speaker 1: word of appeal of command seemed to ring through the room,
Speaker 1: yet it was deadly silent. Charles K. L Brand, secretary
Speaker 1: to the Mayor of New York City, happened to be
Speaker 1: standing nearest Smirch. He looked inquiringly at the President of
Speaker 1: the United States. The President pale grim, nodded shortly. Brand,
Speaker 1: a tall, powerfully built man wants to tackle at Rutgers University,
Speaker 1: stepped forward, seized the greatest man in the world by
Speaker 1: his left shoulder and the seat of his pants, and
Speaker 1: pushed him out the window. My god, he's fallen out
Speaker 1: the window, cried a quick witted editor. Get me out
Speaker 1: of here. Cried the president. Several men sprang to his side,
Speaker 1: and he was hurriedly escorted out of a door toward
Speaker 1: a side entrance of the building. The editor of the
Speaker 1: Associated Press took charge, being used to such things crisply,
Speaker 1: he ordered certain men to leave, others to stay quickly.
Speaker 1: He outlined a story which all the papers were to
Speaker 1: agree on, sent two men to the street to handle
Speaker 1: that end of the tragedy, commanded a Senator to sob
Speaker 1: and two congressmen to go to pieces nervously. In a word,
Speaker 1: he skillfully set the stage for the gigantic task that
Speaker 1: was to follow, the task of breaking to a grief
Speaker 1: stricken world the sad story of the untimely accidental death
Speaker 1: of its most illustrious and spectacular figure. The funeral was,
Speaker 1: as you know, the most elaborate, the finest columnist, and
Speaker 1: the saddest ever held in the United States of America.
Speaker 1: The monument in Arlington Cemetery, with its clean white shaft
Speaker 1: of marble and the simple device of a tiny plane
Speaker 1: carved on its base, is a place for pilgrims in
Speaker 1: deep reverence to visit. The nations of the world paid
Speaker 1: lofty tributes to little Jackie Smirch, America's greatest hero. At
Speaker 1: a given hour, there were two minutes of silence throughout
Speaker 1: the nation. Even the inhabitants of the small, bewildered town
Speaker 1: of Westfield, Iowa observed this touching ceremony. Agents of the
Speaker 1: Department of Justice sought to that. One of them was
Speaker 1: especially assigned to stand grimly in the doorway of a
Speaker 1: little shack restaurant on the edge of the tourist's camping
Speaker 1: ground just outside the town. There, under his stern scrutiny,
Speaker 1: missus Emma Smirch bowed her head over to Hamburger steaks
Speaker 1: sizzling on her grill. Bowed her head and turned away
Speaker 1: so that the secret serviceman could not see the twisted,
Speaker 1: strangely familiar leer on her lips. Spoiler alert, spoiler alert,
Speaker 1: who are you? Tom Broke? A spoiler alert after the fact,
Speaker 1: that story is about Trump. I mean, it's right down
Speaker 1: to the horrific look on Trump's mom's face. I've done
Speaker 1: all the damage here. Thank you for listening. Brian Ray
Speaker 1: and John Phillip Shaneil the musical directors have Countdown, arranged, produced,
Speaker 1: and performed most of our music. Mister Chanelle handled orchestration
Speaker 1: and keyboards. Mister Ray was on guitars, bass, and drums.
Speaker 1: It was produced by Tko Brothers. Our satirical and pithy
Speaker 1: musical comments are by the best baseball stadium organist ever,
Speaker 1: Nancy Faust. The sports music is the Olderman theme from
Speaker 1: ESPN two, written by Mitch Warren Davis courtesy of ESPN Inc.
Speaker 1: Other music arranged and performed by the group No Horns Allowed.
Speaker 1: My announcer today was my friend Larry David. Everything else
Speaker 1: was pretty much my fault, including Tucker Carlson's scratches. I
Speaker 1: feel like playing the Looney Tunes theme whenever I talk
Speaker 1: about Tucker Carlson. That's countdown for today. Four days until
Speaker 1: the twenty twenty four presidential election, the one three hundred
Speaker 1: and ninety sixth day since convicted felon dissociative fugue j
Speaker 1: Trump got away with his first attempted coup against the
Speaker 1: democratically elected government of the United States. Use the election,
Speaker 1: use the mental health system, use presidential immunity to keep
Speaker 1: him from doing it again while we still have a
Speaker 1: chance to do so. The next scheduled countdown is Monday.
Speaker 1: Have fun spending the weekend, holding your breath, bulletins as
Speaker 1: the news requires. Till then, I'm Keith Alremman. Good morning,
Speaker 1: good afternoon, good night, and good luck. Countdown with Keith
Speaker 1: Olberman is a production of iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio,
Speaker 1: visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get
Speaker 1: your podcasts.