Speaker 1: Hell I Suck At Dating with Dean, Vanessa and Jared
Speaker 1: and I Heart Radio podcast. Hey everybody, welcome to an
Speaker 1: all new episode of Help I Suck At Dating. Mrs
Speaker 1: Jared Haven, I'm back in studio from my long vacation
Speaker 1: over East, joined always by the beautiful Dean unglair Mark
Speaker 1: and Easton in studio. Everybody round in Claus round and
Speaker 1: plus Vanessa is not here this week, but we do
Speaker 1: have a very special guest who's on the phone right now,
Speaker 1: which is a surprise for Dean. Dean, do you know
Speaker 1: who this person is? Okay, so it's renowned l A
Speaker 1: legendary chef Roy Choy. Now that's not the reason for
Speaker 1: the surprise. Wait, I think I do know who it is. Well,
Speaker 1: who do you think it is the reason for the surprize?
Speaker 1: Go ahead because there's a pop up hot Cheeto restaurant
Speaker 1: three days wait are you kidding me? And on the
Speaker 1: line right now. And for people that don't know, Dean Love,
Speaker 1: I tried to make a reservation at the New York
Speaker 1: restaurant last year, didn't get to do it. I try
Speaker 1: to make a reservation at the l A restaurant this year.
Speaker 1: Book solid, Well, we have the right person that you
Speaker 1: can contact for a reservation. He's on the one right now. Roy,
Speaker 1: are you out there? Yes, you can't get home stuff
Speaker 1: like this, you guys, Oh my god. Wait we'll get
Speaker 1: to the next part of surprise at a second, but
Speaker 1: talk to Roy about this amazing thing they're doing. Roy,
Speaker 1: how are you? Will you fill us in a little
Speaker 1: bit about what you've been doing? Yeah, Hello, I'm here
Speaker 1: right now. We're getting set up for tonight. Tonight see
Speaker 1: opening night pop up of the Flaming Hot Chee Spot
Speaker 1: Incredible Spot restaurant. It's the three day pop up using
Speaker 1: flaming hot Cheetos and everything like everything, which just sounds
Speaker 1: like my dream restaurant, which makes me I'm so honored
Speaker 1: to have you on here with us because as anyone
Speaker 1: that follows me on Instagram or is just close to
Speaker 1: me or anyone knows, I'm obsessed with hot Cheetos, every
Speaker 1: single kind of hot Cheeto, whether it's the regular one,
Speaker 1: is the extra extra hots, the spicy lamon ones, whatever
Speaker 1: they are. Um, tell us a little bit about maybe
Speaker 1: what inspired you for all of this stuff, because if
Speaker 1: I was a culinary artist such as you, I probably
Speaker 1: would do the exact same thing, but obviously not quite
Speaker 1: to the ability that you're able to do it. So
Speaker 1: tell us kind of where you got the inspiration all
Speaker 1: that kind of stuff from. Yeah, you gotta come by,
Speaker 1: and we got every flavor. I think for me it
Speaker 1: was this was looking to my fun side, you know,
Speaker 1: Like I mean, I'm very I'm a very serious person,
Speaker 1: but like we all have a fun side, and this
Speaker 1: is my fun side. And what my fun side really
Speaker 1: is is Kokee and Chego. I'm out there on the
Speaker 1: streets cooking tacos and burritos and capes Sadilla's, and then
Speaker 1: at Chego we're making rice buls. So it's like, I know,
Speaker 1: the fans that love our food love hot cheetos, so
Speaker 1: it's like, let's make our food but with hot cheetos.
Speaker 1: And that's exactly what we did. I'm sorry. You got
Speaker 1: your start with fruit trucks, right, Yeah, with Kokee, the
Speaker 1: Kokee Korean Barbecui talkbook trucks. That's awesome. And then then yeah,
Speaker 1: so now you're you're onto Cheetos, which is amazing. I'm
Speaker 1: looking at some of the entrees here, Dean has anything
Speaker 1: catching your eye, because everything is catching my eye right now.
Speaker 1: The main thing I want, I really want to try
Speaker 1: is to flame and hot ranch wings everything. So it's
Speaker 1: flaming hot Chipotle ranch wings sounds amazing in front of mean,
Speaker 1: this is amazing. And then there's a Cheetos sweet and
Speaker 1: spicy chili meatballs. Good God in heaven. It sounds like heaven.
Speaker 1: That's really good. It's like sweet and sweet and spicy together,
Speaker 1: really good. Broy, do you like hot Cheetos? I love them.
Speaker 1: It's my number one snack. So that's just what you
Speaker 1: were like. I know, if there's a big fan cult
Speaker 1: following up Hot Cheetos, obviously you make good food. You're like,
Speaker 1: why not combined the two and see what happens? Yeah,
Speaker 1: you know, it's like one of those things. I mean,
Speaker 1: you guys are uh entertainment. It's one of those things
Speaker 1: where like something that you're already using and if the
Speaker 1: brand contact you and want to do a clap, it's
Speaker 1: like it makes it even better. So Hot Cheetos reached
Speaker 1: out to you and they're like, hey, let's work together
Speaker 1: and make something magical. Yeah, that's I'm so envious. Right now.
Speaker 1: There's so many feelings that are coursing through me and
Speaker 1: one of those is Envy. So that's awesome. I think
Speaker 1: I've reached out to so many times. I'm like you guys, listen,
Speaker 1: I'll be I'll be your I'll do whatever please. I'll
Speaker 1: mop the floors, I'll clean the bathroom. Just let me
Speaker 1: be part of the Hot Cheeto franchise, please, So I'll
Speaker 1: tell I'll tell the team today. Appreciate. So when is
Speaker 1: the pop up in Los Angeles? When't you guys open
Speaker 1: doors tonight night? Uh? Huh? We opened tonight at five
Speaker 1: thirty for the next three day Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursdays in Hollywood,
Speaker 1: on Tonga and Franklin. So I guess it must have
Speaker 1: been a big hit and back in New York then,
Speaker 1: right in order for you guys to to bust out
Speaker 1: here on the West Coast too. Yeah, I don't know.
Speaker 1: I really didn't know too much about last year. Um,
Speaker 1: but this year is so you know whatever whatever New
Speaker 1: York was l A doing topic because it's l A right.
Speaker 1: So you weren't you weren't part of the New York
Speaker 1: launch last year? Then huh No, this is the first
Speaker 1: year they contact me. Very cool. I'm really excited. Um,
Speaker 1: so are all three nights booked up. Yeah, they told
Speaker 1: out in like thirty minutes. That's insane. I'm looking at
Speaker 1: the three so it's a three course menu and it's
Speaker 1: between price between eleven dollars and thirty two dollars. And
Speaker 1: it's just like, where did you come up with some
Speaker 1: of these dies ideas? Like, for example, you have a
Speaker 1: Cheetos dessert menu. I see a Cheetos sweet ohs hotcake.
Speaker 1: That's that's, you know, good of iteration right there, a
Speaker 1: Chester Cheetos truro, a hot chocolate shakes. Wait, what's the
Speaker 1: hot chocolate shake? Does that have any Cheetos in it? Yeah?
Speaker 1: It does. It's like it's like a spicy mixed a
Speaker 1: lot of chocolate milkshake. I'll be honest, I don't know
Speaker 1: if I could do that one. I think to me
Speaker 1: exclusively the crunch, and I don't think I could sip
Speaker 1: one through a straw, but again I could be mistaken. No,
Speaker 1: we grind it up into the milkshake, so it just
Speaker 1: makes the milkshake spicy, almost like spicy chocolate. And and
Speaker 1: then we rimmed the glass like a margarita, but with
Speaker 1: crushed cheetos. Oh my god, you're telling me there's a
Speaker 1: crust Cheeto rim on this milkshake. Holy god, I've alarm
Speaker 1: Cheeto stick. That sounds good. What's Roy, what's your favorite?
Speaker 1: I think the meat balls are really really The wings
Speaker 1: are crazy too, because it's like all layers. It's in
Speaker 1: the marinade, it's in the crust, it's dusted on top.
Speaker 1: It's really really good. That's amazing. I mean, this is
Speaker 1: the perfect date night for Dean. Uh. This is God, Dean.
Speaker 1: I wish you could you could go tell us about
Speaker 1: your experience. It sounds amazing. Well. The good thing is, though,
Speaker 1: here's the thing. If you can't make it out to
Speaker 1: l A, you can also enjoy the dishes at home.
Speaker 1: You can order all the recipes and the ingredients and
Speaker 1: they can be delivered to your door through Amazon Fresh. Yeah,
Speaker 1: so you can get Yeah, you can download all the
Speaker 1: recipes on Cheetos, Flame and hotspot dot com. You can
Speaker 1: try them to yourself. Dean, But then you're telling me
Speaker 1: I have to do the cooking, which I'm not. And unfortunately,
Speaker 1: I think Roy's probably a little bit better chef than
Speaker 1: you are. Like, listen, I appreciate you, buddy, but I
Speaker 1: think Roy might got you be if they come, if
Speaker 1: they come pre cooked, and I'll have to do this
Speaker 1: like throw them in the microwave. I can do that
Speaker 1: pretty easily, pretty good, Master microL waver Um. Well we
Speaker 1: can speak you guys, if you really if we really
Speaker 1: want to come, right, I really want to come, Well
Speaker 1: let's go. I'll put your name at the door. It's
Speaker 1: like the club. Put me on the left. You're talking
Speaker 1: to the right guy. Roy. Are you going to be
Speaker 1: there all three nights? Yes, I will, amazed saying all right, cool, Well,
Speaker 1: we'll be on the lookout. Like I said, I definitely
Speaker 1: want to show up if I If I show up
Speaker 1: and I get pushed away, at least I can say
Speaker 1: I was there and I tried. But it sounds delicious.
Speaker 1: Like I said, I'm I'm a freak for lame chios.
Speaker 1: There are very few things in this world that I'm
Speaker 1: passionate about, and I swear Flamecheas is one of them.
Speaker 1: Oh man, we're gonna get too in. I'll have this
Speaker 1: team reached out to you. Right. I got a quick
Speaker 1: question for you too. You're so you're affiliated with the
Speaker 1: two dozen fourteen movie chef. Can you talk a little
Speaker 1: bit about that? Because I heard that was loosely based
Speaker 1: on your on your life. Yeah, I don't I don't
Speaker 1: know if it was based on my life, but it's
Speaker 1: probably what I did for a living with influence. But
Speaker 1: it was John script through and through and um he
Speaker 1: first brought me on just to be a culinary consultants,
Speaker 1: but we ended up becoming really really good friends and
Speaker 1: uh we just inseparable and he just brought me in
Speaker 1: all the way to the process. So you're good friends
Speaker 1: with John Favon now, yeah, Yeah, that's badass because I'm
Speaker 1: a huge fan and big iron Man and iron Man
Speaker 1: too fan. I'll let him, no, yeah, I'll merge them
Speaker 1: into this call. Don't you tease me like that. You're
Speaker 1: just making all sorts of dreams come true. Today, I
Speaker 1: feel like awesome. Well, so yeah, for the listeners out there,
Speaker 1: Like Jared said earlier, Roy CHOI has the pop up
Speaker 1: Flame and Hot Cheeto restaurant in Los Angeles for the
Speaker 1: next three days from tonight and through September. Uh. Full
Speaker 1: three course meals, all encompassing Flame and Hot Cheetos. I'm
Speaker 1: I'm crossing my fingers. I'm I'm praying to the Flame
Speaker 1: and Hot Cheeto God's above that I can show up
Speaker 1: and hopefully you get see um and we'll see what happens.
Speaker 1: But but again, like Jared said earlier too, if you
Speaker 1: can't make it to the restaurant, uh, they did partner
Speaker 1: with Amazon Fresh and you can order all of the
Speaker 1: Flame and Hot dishes to your house by ordering the
Speaker 1: recipes on Amazon fresh dot com, so be sure to
Speaker 1: check them out. Um. Well you're the man. Thank you
Speaker 1: so much for calling in. I'm thank you for what
Speaker 1: you're doing for the world by creating these dishes that
Speaker 1: are delicious. Um, keep doing the the incredible things that
Speaker 1: you do. And like I said, I really hope I can.
Speaker 1: I can squeeze myself into the staught and sit down
Speaker 1: and enjoy some of your fresh cooked meals. All right,
Speaker 1: thank you guys. Here the man take care, all right,
Speaker 1: thanks Roy? All right, all right, well, I know the
Speaker 1: thing is, we have all this food that's staring in
Speaker 1: front of us right now. I'm eating. Let's take a
Speaker 1: break and then we'll eat, and then we'll come back
Speaker 1: and tell everybody how it was here first flaming hot
Speaker 1: chicken wing you guys, let's hear it. It's it's not warm,
Speaker 1: it's cold in my hands. But last week, Oh my god,
Speaker 1: I'm not even exaggerating a little bit. This is the
Speaker 1: best thing that I've ever had in mind, in my
Speaker 1: mouth and my entire not even the slightest bit of
Speaker 1: exaggeration with that. All right, let's see it and we'll
Speaker 1: be back in a minue. Oh my god, No, I
Speaker 1: don't want to stop. So Dean is actually currently still
Speaker 1: eating the Cheetos. He can't get enough. It's I mean,
Speaker 1: I gotta say, the wings in the corner of the
Speaker 1: cob is pretty incredible, so I can't blame him. But
Speaker 1: in the meantime, we do have a special guest on
Speaker 1: the phone right now. We have Samantha Hess, who is
Speaker 1: the owner of Cuddle Up to Me. Samantha, Hello, thank
Speaker 1: you for joining us. Thanks for having me. No, I
Speaker 1: appreciate it. So, Samantha, tell us a little bit about yourself.
Speaker 1: You are a professional cuddler. What does that mean? So
Speaker 1: I'm technically now a master cuddler? Is Is there a
Speaker 1: difference between a professional and a master cuddler? Yes? So, uh,
Speaker 1: technically certified cuddler is what we call ourselves here. As
Speaker 1: we go through a forty hour certification process and then
Speaker 1: a master cuddler is someone who's completed that forty hour
Speaker 1: program and then completed at least two hundred and fifty
Speaker 1: session hours two hundred and fifty session hours of cuddling.
Speaker 1: Who are you cuddling with? So our clients are anyone
Speaker 1: eighteen and over, men and women, married, single, everything in between.
Speaker 1: Everybody has moments where they just need a hug. So
Speaker 1: what got you into being a master cuddler? So I
Speaker 1: was one of these genius people that married my high
Speaker 1: school sweetheart, which surprised surprise, didn't turn out so well. Sorry,
Speaker 1: for more than a decade of like complete lack of
Speaker 1: touch in my life, I decided that I needed to
Speaker 1: matter too, and so I left my ex husband and
Speaker 1: I decided to be a person. And at the age
Speaker 1: of twenty eight, I decided to go and uh strike
Speaker 1: it out on my own and kind of figure out
Speaker 1: how the world works. And then I was on Facebook
Speaker 1: one day and I saw this stree hugs guy article
Speaker 1: who gets pumped into lux hugs two dollars. I had
Speaker 1: just been hit on by like all of my male friends.
Speaker 1: I was not expecting it, and I realized that paying
Speaker 1: for hugs made it safe for me because I could
Speaker 1: dictate what the rules were. And so I decided there
Speaker 1: needed to be a Starbucks for hugs, and why wasn't
Speaker 1: that available? So I decided to make it a thing. Wow.
Speaker 1: So that's incredible. So you're so you're married to your
Speaker 1: high school sweetheart? Yes? Um? And so how was that relationships? Wow? Wow? Um?
Speaker 1: And then so you got out of that and needed
Speaker 1: some cuddles. And so now that you're a master cuddler,
Speaker 1: is there like a technique that you personally like to use?
Speaker 1: Like can you tell us a little bit about the
Speaker 1: way you cuddle and like what's better and what's worse? Totally? So,
Speaker 1: I love cushy cuddles. I don't like when people are
Speaker 1: nervous they're afraid to like just get in there. That's
Speaker 1: my personal style. Um, you know, for work, it's I'm
Speaker 1: whatever somebody needs. But yeah, we do have seventy eight
Speaker 1: different cuddle poses that I can take people through. Seventy
Speaker 1: eight different cuddle poses. Holy crap, that's a lot of
Speaker 1: I mean, I'm a big cuddle don't get me wrong.
Speaker 1: There's nothing that I enjoy more than you know, ordering
Speaker 1: in cuddling and watching house Hunters. Um, but that's so interesting, Like,
Speaker 1: what are the different Can you just run through some
Speaker 1: different techniques that you might use on a day to
Speaker 1: day basis of cuddling, for sure. So there's a tandem bike,
Speaker 1: which is a like a version of spooning essentially. There's
Speaker 1: a gummy worm, which is the squishiest cuddle pos of
Speaker 1: all time. There's a Mama Bear, which is a stated
Speaker 1: post where you use someone like a human being bag chair. Yeah,
Speaker 1: stuff like that. Yeah, I never knew that, everybody. I seriously,
Speaker 1: I never knew there's so much thought to put into cuddling.
Speaker 1: So people go to your website who want to be cuddled,
Speaker 1: and they can choose their cuddler. I was just looking
Speaker 1: at it right here. They choose their cuddler, and then
Speaker 1: the chosen cuddler will travel to them and you pay
Speaker 1: them for their time. We actually were retail space in Portland,
Speaker 1: but we do also offer outbound sessions as well. Oh
Speaker 1: I see, so people come in and do this. Yeah.
Speaker 1: So do you ever get hired and you show up
Speaker 1: and you're like, I have to cuddle this person? Yeah,
Speaker 1: it happened. Yet I'm somebody who just believes in people.
Speaker 1: I don't know, I'm sort of ridiculous about it. I
Speaker 1: think that off sometimes people are kind of treated as
Speaker 1: predators in today's society, and I like to give them
Speaker 1: that opportunity to prove that. But not, we shouldn't assume
Speaker 1: that people. No, we shouldn't assume that. But it is
Speaker 1: a dangerous world to live out there, and so how
Speaker 1: do you keep not The first question that comes to
Speaker 1: mind is how do you keep your cuddlers safe? Because
Speaker 1: if these people are like I'm assuming that, is it
Speaker 1: more men or women that get ordered from your company?
Speaker 1: I'm assuming women? So yeah, professional cuddling is definitely a
Speaker 1: women driven industry. There's not much to man for male
Speaker 1: cuddlers at this point. Well, do you find that more
Speaker 1: men are ordering cuddlers or more women? Uh? So, our
Speaker 1: business does have a pretty close to fifty split, but
Speaker 1: most of the industry is mostly men. So it's mostly
Speaker 1: men ordering women, correct, Yes, So how do you keep
Speaker 1: your women safe? There? That's where the training program comes in.
Speaker 1: We have you know, they have to go through so
Speaker 1: many things to learn how to protect themselves while also
Speaker 1: not creating shame or judgment for the clients. It's often
Speaker 1: we're guiding people through this very new concept of posonic touch.
Speaker 1: You know, we're not taught how to touch each other
Speaker 1: without sexual intention in our adult lives, So we could
Speaker 1: teach people that. That's really great, Yeah, because you talk
Speaker 1: about how your mission is it's time to change the
Speaker 1: taboo around touch and engage in meaningful conversations around consent. Now,
Speaker 1: I'm curious about that because in my my past, you know,
Speaker 1: cuddling is definitely a precursor to more intimate uh moments
Speaker 1: between the two people that are cuddling. So what would
Speaker 1: you say about that? I think that there's a great
Speaker 1: way to use cuddling, but it's not the only way.
Speaker 1: I think that we kind of missed out on this
Speaker 1: whole part of like what kids get to experience, and
Speaker 1: it's something we still need as adults. It's this like
Speaker 1: basic concept of human connection and cuddling is one of
Speaker 1: the quick, quickest and easiest ways for us to recognize
Speaker 1: that we exist in other people us as well, and
Speaker 1: we kind of need that to know that we matter
Speaker 1: and that we are esteemed just as we are. No,
Speaker 1: I agree. I mean, physical touch is a big love
Speaker 1: language of mine and I personally believe in it very
Speaker 1: much that uh, you know, some people just desire even
Speaker 1: just holding hands or having their arm, you know, put
Speaker 1: around somebody else. They really crave it um and so
Speaker 1: that's very interesting. And so like for you being a
Speaker 1: cuddle master, like what is master cuddler, master cuddler? Excuse me?
Speaker 1: Like what does it do for your Like it's hard
Speaker 1: to real articulate when we're gonna try to ask, how
Speaker 1: does it make you feel? You know, like, what kind
Speaker 1: of honestly fulfillment do you get from it? I'm not
Speaker 1: sure I'm gonna be able to do any other job anymore,
Speaker 1: because you know, I do look to five hours of
Speaker 1: sessions a day, and so my serotone and the whole
Speaker 1: kind of maxed out a lot. And so we get
Speaker 1: what we call the the oxytocin high or the cuddle high,
Speaker 1: where you just get this like kind of view for
Speaker 1: a feeling. It's like being high without drugs. It's amazing.
Speaker 1: And there's no sorry to go back to my earlier
Speaker 1: point about people being gross, there's no body order problems,
Speaker 1: there's no sweat problems that are just kind of not
Speaker 1: something you want to cuddle in that moment. Sometimes there
Speaker 1: are we do have a hygiene requirement in our waiver
Speaker 1: and some people have to do their best. But you know,
Speaker 1: if somebody is severely a beast, they may not smell
Speaker 1: super great, even if they've just taken a shower. You know,
Speaker 1: these kinds of things do happen. Are people who smoke.
Speaker 1: You know that you've definitely been cuddling someone when they
Speaker 1: maybe tried to kiss you or maybe their hands started
Speaker 1: to wander a little bit, and you you're you're you
Speaker 1: know how to handle that situation. You've been trained, right, Yeah,
Speaker 1: because of the training, we know how to redirect people
Speaker 1: without they're actually knowing what we're doing. Just smack them
Speaker 1: across the face and storm out. No. Yeah, I've seriously
Speaker 1: never had to end the session early. People have been
Speaker 1: very good about it. And how many sessions have you done?
Speaker 1: I'm over a hundred and fifty thousand minutes to paid
Speaker 1: professor cuddling, not including the train team, the troupe done.
Speaker 1: So what is the weirdest experience that you've had? Oh?
Speaker 1: You know, I would love to share a billion stories
Speaker 1: with you, but we have confidentiality. I know, why did
Speaker 1: I even ask? I know? All right? So how do
Speaker 1: if people want to out there want to cuddle, where
Speaker 1: do they go? So we have two options. If they're
Speaker 1: in Portland, Oregon, we're cuddle up to Me dot com.
Speaker 1: If there are anywhere else, we're at Certified Cuddlers dot com.
Speaker 1: And so are you international? Is this uh within the country?
Speaker 1: Like you can order anywhere people in Germany and Austria,
Speaker 1: in a few different places throughout the world. And we're
Speaker 1: getting out there. That's incredible and and and I mean
Speaker 1: that's incredible. I just think it's so interesting for me
Speaker 1: because I think I've always used cuddling as more of
Speaker 1: a you know, a personal intimate thing, and so it's
Speaker 1: interesting to know that people just kind of crave human
Speaker 1: touch so much that they're willing to pay for somebody
Speaker 1: to cuddle with them. Um. I mean, good for them,
Speaker 1: that's incredible. Good for you coming up with this, this
Speaker 1: this company. I mean, it's such an interesting idea and
Speaker 1: very obscure and unique and original. Um. I've never seen
Speaker 1: anything like it, the idea of paying for someone to
Speaker 1: cuddle with you. But you know, you just need cuddles sometimes.
Speaker 1: Dean is back from eating right now, and he's he's
Speaker 1: a big cuddler. I love cuddling. I will say these exist.
Speaker 1: Um in Japan I think I didn't get to experience
Speaker 1: on myself, but I think they're like cuddling hotels. Those
Speaker 1: they started in Japan about twenty years ago. Yeah, that's awesome. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's great there you can actually pay to you someone's
Speaker 1: is your pillow. You can't do that in the state. Yeah. Yeah, well, Samanthan,
Speaker 1: thank you so much for coming in. We really appreciate it.
Speaker 1: And definitely everybody whoever wants to cuddle out there, need
Speaker 1: somebody out there, please check out Certified Colors dot com.
Speaker 1: I'm a little sad I wasn't here for this entire conversation.
Speaker 1: Now we were sad too. This sounds like it just
Speaker 1: sounds read at my you're too busy in did you
Speaker 1: guys talk about big spoon little spoon etiquette? Well, well no,
Speaker 1: but that's fun. You didn't get into that. She didn't
Speaker 1: call what did you call it? You didn't call it spooning,
Speaker 1: you called it something else. Tandem b hand. That's actually
Speaker 1: pretty good. Just the seats are really close to each
Speaker 1: other on the standard bicycle. Apparently the position I use
Speaker 1: a lot is uh the hunter twice seven hours where
Speaker 1: my my wife and I are cuddling and then she
Speaker 1: falls asleep and m to know my arm off to
Speaker 1: go to work. And funny, I have a YouTube video
Speaker 1: called how to Spoon. It will teach you how to
Speaker 1: resolve all those Oh yeah, what's the YouTube channel name?
Speaker 1: Cuddle Up to Me Perfect? We'll check it out. I
Speaker 1: will say so, I think I might be in the
Speaker 1: minority on this, but I love, love, love being little spoon. Now.
Speaker 1: I like being a little a little bit my favorite
Speaker 1: thing in the world, like so much. Everybody likes being
Speaker 1: a little yeah, you know what, And it's kind of
Speaker 1: it stinks that men are always expected to be the
Speaker 1: big spoon. We need to break down this gender nom
Speaker 1: you like being a big spoon? I do. I like
Speaker 1: all of them though, Can I get your phone number?
Speaker 1: Just kidding too much? Too much? Um, well, that's that's awesome. Yeah, Samantha,
Speaker 1: thank you so much for coming in. Definitely, guys, check
Speaker 1: out certified Colors dot com if you want to be
Speaker 1: small spoon, little spoon, or just the Tanna bicycle. You know,
Speaker 1: it's always up to interpretation. Samantha, Thank you so much.
Speaker 1: Thank you. By Samantha. What's the edigette on spooning? On
Speaker 1: cuddling towards each other. Well, I don't think there is
Speaker 1: an etiquette because you're kind of fifty fifty in that point,
Speaker 1: aren't you Like big spoon, little spoon. Little spoons obviously better,
Speaker 1: but if you're facing towards each other, it's very equal.
Speaker 1: So I had an X who every night we want
Speaker 1: to sleep together, we always fell asleep facing each other,
Speaker 1: and at first I was like, this is kind of cute,
Speaker 1: it's romantic, but then like six months in, it's just
Speaker 1: like I was like, why do we policy facing each
Speaker 1: other if you're at the issues eventually the breathing breath,
Speaker 1: and you can't like fully embrace someone like in a
Speaker 1: hug if you're facing them, because like your legs are
Speaker 1: bending into each other, and how can you sleep? Dude?
Speaker 1: Screw that. Yeah, it's always it's like nice being in
Speaker 1: committed relationship now because like you have your cuddle time,
Speaker 1: but you also know, okay, bedtime to see you, like
Speaker 1: I'll day in the morning. So we're all going to
Speaker 1: Vegas this weekend. Dean, You're going, I'm going, Nick's going,
Speaker 1: Ashley's going, well, it's going wells Ben, pretty much the
Speaker 1: entire Bachelor crew guys, We're going to Vegas for the
Speaker 1: I Heart Music Festival this weekend and you can come
Speaker 1: hang out with us at Planet Hollywood Resort and Cansino.
Speaker 1: You visit the Scene pool deck located on the sixth floor.
Speaker 1: You can party all afternoon. You can come test your
Speaker 1: surfing skills on the floor Rider. You're gonna ride the
Speaker 1: floor Rider. I love the flow d last year and
Speaker 1: it literally is my favorite thing. You're good at it.
Speaker 1: Maybe the second favorite thing behind Hot Cheetos is the
Speaker 1: flow Rider. Can you imagine being on the floor Rider
Speaker 1: with one of those Hot Cheetos wings in your hand.
Speaker 1: Talk about a dream come true that needs to happen
Speaker 1: this weekend. It's at the Las Vegas Trip. Only freestanding.
Speaker 1: It's the only freestanding wave machine on the Las Vegas Trip.
Speaker 1: It's at Planet Hollywood Resort and Casino. You can visit
Speaker 1: the Cafe Hollywood. It's right down the casino. There's breakfast,
Speaker 1: launch dinner. We're serving whatever you desire. Will not I'm
Speaker 1: not I won't be serving it, but the nice people
Speaker 1: a Planet Hollywood will be. It's twenty four hours a day,
Speaker 1: features all newly renovated rooms. There's massive suites with dazzla
Speaker 1: dazzling Center Strip views. When you stay at Planet Hollywood,
Speaker 1: the celebrity lifestyle is yours for the living, and fame
Speaker 1: lies at every corner. You can experience the epicenter of
Speaker 1: the A list entertainment in Las Vegas. When you visit
Speaker 1: the Zappos Theater at Planet Hollywood Resort and Casino, guys,
Speaker 1: come hang out. We're all going to be a Planet
Speaker 1: Hollywood this weekend. Check out Planet Hollywood Resort dot com
Speaker 1: if you want to stay there with us. If you're
Speaker 1: around Planet Hollywood between the hours probably eleven am and
Speaker 1: seven pm, I would say odds are pretty good. I'll
Speaker 1: be on that floor right you go on the floor rider,
Speaker 1: either the blackjack table or the floor rider go jackob Honestly,
Speaker 1: those are the two places I'll be. Oh in my
Speaker 1: Hiding Music festival too, which is kind of held for
Speaker 1: we're gonna barely dabble into that and we're gonna be
Speaker 1: on the floor rider eating Cheetos wings the entire I'm
Speaker 1: excited you're coming this year because you weren't there last year.
Speaker 1: I was this my first I Heart Festival. Nice, I'm
Speaker 1: pretty excited. Yeah, you didn't do um um jingle ball.
Speaker 1: I did jingle ball. But this is my first I
Speaker 1: Heeart festival in Vegas. Oh nice, okay, but Sin timber Lake,
Speaker 1: Carrie Underwood, Shown Mendez, Kago, Mariah Carry, Imagined Dragon, Sam Smith,
Speaker 1: Kelly Clarkson, Logic, Luke, Bryan Panic at the Disco, Jack White,
Speaker 1: Leonard Skinner, Fleetwood, Mac, Jason Aldeen and Ra What a
Speaker 1: lineup Dean Angular Jared Haven. We've been right in. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm super talented. Um okay, So next up? We had
Speaker 1: her on last week? Was it last week? Two weeks ago? Um?
Speaker 1: We talked about brain spotting a little bit back in studio, Hally,
Speaker 1: Thank you, Haley. It's very nice meeting you. I think
Speaker 1: this is the first time we've met, right, yes, yes, well,
Speaker 1: thank you for coming in for the second stree week.
Speaker 1: So Haley and I just met um in a back
Speaker 1: like a little office area. That sounded bad one on
Speaker 1: one for a little bit. And we're a therapy session.
Speaker 1: We're a therapy session. Jared. It only sounds bad because
Speaker 1: you just said it sounds no. I have We've been
Speaker 1: talking about cuddling for a half an hour. Exactly where
Speaker 1: do you think of My head is at? My head
Speaker 1: still on flow Rider and two d but never a
Speaker 1: bad place. Um. So we had her on last week
Speaker 1: and we discussed brain spotting and some I guess just
Speaker 1: therapeutic of like processes that we can go through as individuals.
Speaker 1: But she is so kind that you decided to come
Speaker 1: in and be here in person and do some brain spotting, uh,
Speaker 1: and get to the root of with the issues, the
Speaker 1: many issues that I have, and I just kind of
Speaker 1: see what unfolds, I guess, right, So, do you want
Speaker 1: to say hi to the listeners again and kind of
Speaker 1: reintroduce yourself real quick? Yeah. So, Haley Hewett, I'm a
Speaker 1: marriage and family therapist up in the Bay Area and
Speaker 1: I come down here once a month to see clients.
Speaker 1: Specializations are in trauma and family systems and working through
Speaker 1: the body, so working with the body to heal. So
Speaker 1: what we're gonna do is, um, Hailey is going to
Speaker 1: do some of her brain spotting techniques with me. We're
Speaker 1: going to go over some of my physical reactions more
Speaker 1: so than my emotional sensations, or start my physical sensations
Speaker 1: rather than my emotional reactions. Can you guys talk about
Speaker 1: how you just what you just talked about, is that
Speaker 1: kind of off limits? Yes? So just to clarify, I'm
Speaker 1: here just to do a demonstration with Dean, who is
Speaker 1: ready and willing, and it's really wonderful that you're doing
Speaker 1: this and others can kind of witness. It's a newer
Speaker 1: modality of treat meant so it stemmed after E. M.
Speaker 1: D R, which is very UM successful in treating trauma
Speaker 1: and just anything you know, depression, anxiety and so on. UM.
Speaker 1: And so we clarified something called a statement of focus,
Speaker 1: which I'll have you read, and then UM a resource statement,
Speaker 1: and we'll use those two statements to do the brain
Speaker 1: spotting in UM the studio, and I'll kind of be
Speaker 1: talking out loud about what we'll be doing so listeners
Speaker 1: can understand. And then Dean, can I ask you what
Speaker 1: you want her to help with enough? Okay, yes, of course,
Speaker 1: I don't know. I don't know what this kind of
Speaker 1: really we're gonna It's it's a little awkward for me
Speaker 1: because I do feel like I'm almost hosting the podcast
Speaker 1: but also overstepping my boundaries because I don't want to
Speaker 1: cross any limits that you guys want to talk about
Speaker 1: don't want to talk about. I mean, as far as
Speaker 1: I'm considered, there are no limits that can be crossed. Okay,
Speaker 1: So we did establish a statement of focus in the
Speaker 1: in the one on one session we just had, which
Speaker 1: we'll basically tell you and the listeners what I feel
Speaker 1: like I need to identify and continue to work on. Okay, great, Yes,
Speaker 1: And just in brief, brain spotting school is to bypass
Speaker 1: the conscious neocortical thinking, so you access the deeper subcortical, emotional,
Speaker 1: and body based parts of the brain. What is subcortical subcortical,
Speaker 1: So it's deeper, it's within the brain, stem our, nervous systems,
Speaker 1: or bodies beyond the frontal cortex. And before before we
Speaker 1: go further this, I just I want to say that
Speaker 1: I love this type of therapy, like neuroscience and the
Speaker 1: brain is also interesting to me. Um. I read a
Speaker 1: few books about this. Granted every other word I don't understand,
Speaker 1: so most of it goes directly over my head, but
Speaker 1: I find it so fascinating. And whenever she Hailey talks
Speaker 1: about this type of stuff, you can tell that she
Speaker 1: it's comes from place of incredible depth of knowledge, which
Speaker 1: I think is fantastic. A lot of times you's like
Speaker 1: you see the and Mark nose like the pseudosciences that
Speaker 1: kind of come from places where I don't necessarily agree with.
Speaker 1: So this type of stuff, in my opinion, is much
Speaker 1: more legitimate and I can I I just appreciate it more. Yeah,
Speaker 1: And they're doing research on it. You know, it was
Speaker 1: formed in two thousand and three, and so like M
Speaker 1: d R, it's different. CULTU qualitatively measure this sort of work.
Speaker 1: You know, CBT is a common one that's easy to
Speaker 1: measure because there's homework and you scale and measure, but
Speaker 1: they're working on measuring how it actually has an efficacy.
Speaker 1: And what is CBT Cognitive behavioral therapy. Change your thoughts,
Speaker 1: change your life. That's in essence, okay, thinking, change your behavior.
Speaker 1: So um, what we'll be doing is we'll be using
Speaker 1: a little teacher pointer here. It looks like one of
Speaker 1: those extendable teacher pointers, and we'll be moving through different
Speaker 1: quadrants on left and the right sides. Um, focusing eventually
Speaker 1: on one spot. And he has headphones in with bilateral music.
Speaker 1: So um, David grand has free bilateral music on Spotify.
Speaker 1: Just search brain spotting or David Grant and you can
Speaker 1: check it out, or you know YouTube bilateral or binaural music,
Speaker 1: and it alternates between the left and the right hemispheres
Speaker 1: of the brain, so it's engaging the left and the right,
Speaker 1: left and the right. Is it like a particular type
Speaker 1: of music. It's just soothing, calming, ambient music, not words,
Speaker 1: just you know, ocean sounds with a little guitar totally.
Speaker 1: And for our listeners out there, Dean is currently putting
Speaker 1: those headphones on as we speak. And then Haley has
Speaker 1: a pointer that looks exactly like your fourth grade teacher
Speaker 1: in science would have. And as she points to the chalkboard, oh,
Speaker 1: and it extends. It's like three ft in length. Just
Speaker 1: don't whack Dean in the head with it. That's all.
Speaker 1: So we will be making the statement of focus, which
Speaker 1: we already did so typically these sessions take longer, but
Speaker 1: we're condensing it for the sake of the demonstration. So
Speaker 1: we will state his um you know, summary of his work,
Speaker 1: and then he'll start um scaling his experience with the
Speaker 1: subjective unit of distress scale, which some of you have
Speaker 1: a handed out. It scales from zero to one hundred,
Speaker 1: one hundred being panic attack intolerable so much adrenaline and
Speaker 1: zero being baseline calm. And so he'll be scaling his
Speaker 1: experience from zero to one hundred as it vacillates, and
Speaker 1: using some physical sensations, describing the physical sensations happening vis
Speaker 1: early in his body as we move through the statement
Speaker 1: of focus, and so you know, we'll move from there
Speaker 1: into then the resource statement that he made, and he'll
Speaker 1: be scaling with a resource scale from zero to one
Speaker 1: being so calm and happy and comforted and soothed, zero
Speaker 1: being distressed. And so he'll scale that um and then
Speaker 1: we'll do a little process at the end and see
Speaker 1: what came up for you nervous? How do you know
Speaker 1: you're nervous? I can just feel it on my chest.
Speaker 1: What's the sensation of a vacuous feeling? Maybe like an emptiness? Good.
Speaker 1: So he's already starting to work on describing experience. So
Speaker 1: let's just take a moment and turn inward. You can
Speaker 1: close the eyes or take a soft vocal gaze on
Speaker 1: an unmoving point, and just begin to notice the breath
Speaker 1: as it moves in and out of the nostrils. Maybe
Speaker 1: take a seat right behind the nose and the upper lip,
Speaker 1: just witnessing the breath move in and out and the
Speaker 1: thoughts are going to be moving and playing, and you're
Speaker 1: just going to keep returning your attention to your breath,
Speaker 1: and we're going to get his music started here. What
Speaker 1: Dean doesn't know is that I actually put a full
Speaker 1: list of Rob Thomas in Matchbox twenty instead of this
Speaker 1: soothing MUSICMX actually put Rob Zombie on the good So
Speaker 1: before we move in, Um, what are you noticing right now?
Speaker 1: Zero to one hundred one being you know, very stressed.
Speaker 1: What would you scale I'm probably a twenty three, So
Speaker 1: twenty three on his distress scale there, meaning I have
Speaker 1: minimal anxiety slash distress. Thank you great, and so I
Speaker 1: will have you read your statement of focus. Okay, so
Speaker 1: this is a statement of focus we put together behind doors,
Speaker 1: closed doors. This is gonna feels it feels weird to say. Okay, Well,
Speaker 1: as you say, it's stay in touch with what's happening
Speaker 1: on a visceral level in your body. I'm struggling fine
Speaker 1: purpose in my life. I'm guilty of not taking the
Speaker 1: proper steps to deal with what happened to me thus far.
Speaker 1: That has been difficult. I have guilt over not realizing
Speaker 1: the impact of some of my childhood experience on myself
Speaker 1: as an adult, I can't give myself in relationships because
Speaker 1: I'll be hurt if I don't let others help me
Speaker 1: and just rely on myself, then there won't be the
Speaker 1: possibility of being let down by someone else. So he's
Speaker 1: externalized this internal cognitive process that I'm curious just in
Speaker 1: reading that, what are you noticing? I would say I
Speaker 1: probably went up to like a forty in terms of
Speaker 1: this the stress thermometer, M. How do you know? I
Speaker 1: can just feel the anxiety in my chest go up
Speaker 1: a little bit, a little bit more, anxious, a little
Speaker 1: bit more. I don't know, stressed out? I guess so. Um,
Speaker 1: given he's out of forty, that's what worst where we
Speaker 1: will start. So he'll keep his gaze on the point
Speaker 1: and it's an unmoving point and it's to the right
Speaker 1: about two ft in front of him. And so where
Speaker 1: would you now scale zero that statement of focus and
Speaker 1: that sensation of tightness and anxiety in your chest? Well,
Speaker 1: what's going down a bit since it's passed, so I'm
Speaker 1: probably down to a thirty. Okay, we'll shift now over
Speaker 1: to his left. Now zero to how would you scale
Speaker 1: the sensation in your chest as well? As the statement.
Speaker 1: Mm hmmm, s down to twenty. Uh what was the
Speaker 1: first one? Right? Yeah? Yeah, yeah. So I am struggling
Speaker 1: to find a purpose in my life. I'm guilty of
Speaker 1: not taking proper steps to deal with what happened to me.
Speaker 1: Do you want me to read the whole? S No,
Speaker 1: I can read it for you. And I can't give
Speaker 1: myself a relationship because I will be hurt if I
Speaker 1: don't let others help me and just rely on myself,
Speaker 1: then there won't be the possibility of being let down
Speaker 1: by others. So we have a thirty, we have a twenty,
Speaker 1: and then how about right here in the middle, we
Speaker 1: have the point? Umty okay, yeah, So we're going to
Speaker 1: stay on the point where it's the highest. I'm going
Speaker 1: to stay over here to your right. You want to
Speaker 1: you want to give me the distress, that's right, that's right.
Speaker 1: So we're safely accessing the distress in a containment, right
Speaker 1: in a container, so you have the ability to allow
Speaker 1: for it to come up and sit with it, and
Speaker 1: then eventually it will start to change. So I want
Speaker 1: you to focus your attention on the point, okay, and
Speaker 1: keep your gaze on the point. And I want you
Speaker 1: to just continue shifting. You know, your attention through the
Speaker 1: details of the painful experiences that have contributed to your
Speaker 1: statement of focus. Something you've been stuck around or felt
Speaker 1: upset about. So the brain as he's looking is just processing.
Speaker 1: It's just rapidly moving and processing different thoughts and feelings.
Speaker 1: Sometimes the intensity will go up and then so where
Speaker 1: did you say? It's zero, one hundreds? Still right, thirty
Speaker 1: m So just stay with that. Can you describe some
Speaker 1: physical sensations you're having in your body? I think physically
Speaker 1: I'm much more relaxed. It feels weird or relaxed. I'm sorry,
Speaker 1: it feels weird looking to my right and thinking about
Speaker 1: these things. I don't know why. It just this doesn't
Speaker 1: feel natural. Um, it's intense. Just just stay on one point,
Speaker 1: similar to like the eye contact thing. I struggle with
Speaker 1: eye contact. So it's like, I mean, this is easier
Speaker 1: because obviously one's looking directly back at me, but uncomfortable,
Speaker 1: and just stay with that, stay with the discomfort, just
Speaker 1: observing whatever is coming up. So thoughts, feelings, all without judgment. Notice,
Speaker 1: if any memories or thoughts come up, do you want
Speaker 1: me to talk about them? Yeah? If it feels. Okay, Well,
Speaker 1: it's pretty much everything that we've discussed in the SEF.
Speaker 1: I'm thinking about, like what am I gonna be doing
Speaker 1: in two years? I kind of don't necessarily to think
Speaker 1: about the beast so much, so I'm thinking about the
Speaker 1: stressors that are still laying out there somewhere. You know
Speaker 1: what happens when you think about the past. I dismiss it,
Speaker 1: And in terms of how I feel, I think I've
Speaker 1: gotten used to blazing over it to the point where
Speaker 1: I don't necessarily that it affect me very much emotionally anymore.
Speaker 1: So something that I'm noticing that I'll point out for listeners. Um,
Speaker 1: and you can tell me what your thoughts are, is
Speaker 1: your right arm is twitching? Are you aware of that?
Speaker 1: I did not know that. So these sorts of body
Speaker 1: ticks or movements are the body discharging energy, just moving
Speaker 1: and releasing energy? So, um, for the sake of time,
Speaker 1: we're going to shift gears. Are you zero one? Have
Speaker 1: you shifted at all? Still right around? Well, I guess
Speaker 1: I'm left at forty. Now it's increased. Okay, let's just
Speaker 1: allow for that, you know, forty to be present. Is
Speaker 1: it still a tightness? Or anxiousness in your chest. Well,
Speaker 1: now I'm focusing on my m all right, So just
Speaker 1: allow it, no attempts to change, just noticing what's happening. So,
Speaker 1: because it's gone up for him, now we're going to
Speaker 1: shift into a resource spot. So what we'll do is
Speaker 1: have him read his resource statement and we'll shift the
Speaker 1: gaze point where the pointer is to a different spot,
Speaker 1: typically on the opposite quadrant. And so I'll have you
Speaker 1: read your resource statement. My resource statement says, I have
Speaker 1: time to define my purpose. I'm on my path and
Speaker 1: will continue to discover the things that are meaningful to me.
Speaker 1: I'm working to understand and heal myself in order to
Speaker 1: open up in relationships. I am integrating my past into
Speaker 1: my presence and trusting myself and this journey. I'm taking
Speaker 1: the proper steps to heal myself and grow my experiences
Speaker 1: as an adult. I now realized the impact of the
Speaker 1: losses I experienced and am giving myself space to integrate
Speaker 1: those losses into my life with vulnerability and strength. What
Speaker 1: are you noticing in your body as you made that statement?
Speaker 1: Feel good? I feel strong and powerful. Um now I
Speaker 1: do feel better. I noticed you rolled your shoulders back
Speaker 1: on opening your chest. Yea, it's I do agree with
Speaker 1: these whole like affirmative statements about yourself, and that's something
Speaker 1: that I've known I need to work on a little
Speaker 1: bit more so saying things like that, it definitely makes
Speaker 1: you feel a little bit more at ease. Yes, that's
Speaker 1: the hypnotism piece, right. The hypnotist was saying, you manifest
Speaker 1: what you state, right, I want this rather than I
Speaker 1: don't want m I think a lot of people do that, right, Like.
Speaker 1: It's the whole idea of about like talking about your
Speaker 1: insecurities and when you start doing that, you project them
Speaker 1: on others and they start believing it. So the same
Speaker 1: thing conversely goes with you. You start projecting confidence about yourself,
Speaker 1: people will start believing it, and so will you. So
Speaker 1: let's just stay on the spot just for a moment,
Speaker 1: here your resource spot. I have time to define my purpose.
Speaker 1: I'm on my path and continue to discover the things
Speaker 1: that are meaningful to me and working to understand and
Speaker 1: here myself in order to open up in a relationship.
Speaker 1: So from zero one hundred, looking at that point now
Speaker 1: being the most resourced, most comforted, how does that feel?
Speaker 1: It's not it shifts, so high is good. High is
Speaker 1: good mm hmm. And name a resource spot in your body,
Speaker 1: So a place in your body that feels comforted, soothed, resourced.
Speaker 1: I guess my back feels good. This chair is very comfortable,
Speaker 1: and so it's like, I don't know, very comfortable chairs.
Speaker 1: And I've noticed a couple of times again with the
Speaker 1: rolling of the shoulders back. So this sort of opening
Speaker 1: sense of empowerment maybe in your heart, in your chest,
Speaker 1: sense of h yeah, comfort m hm okay, so yeah.
Speaker 1: So in essence, I think we, you know, can just
Speaker 1: kind of process a little bit here, um for the
Speaker 1: sake of time. So in essence, what we were doing
Speaker 1: with him was expanding his window of tolerance. So your
Speaker 1: ability to sit with distress and not you know, be
Speaker 1: so fearful of it. In the world, I think what
Speaker 1: happens is we tend to hang out in the place
Speaker 1: of three to seven um, and some people can go eight,
Speaker 1: nine to ten and it can feel overwhelming, or some
Speaker 1: can just baseline go flat, um, you know, top down management,
Speaker 1: which is like we go into rational thinking, we minimize
Speaker 1: our experience and our feelings um. And so this sort
Speaker 1: of therapy gives you um an opportunity, with the safety
Speaker 1: and support of someone else, to be able to go
Speaker 1: into difficult experience and stay with it within the body,
Speaker 1: rather than just sit in a room and talk about
Speaker 1: your experience and not necessarily make that mind body connection
Speaker 1: that's necessary to really unroote what we store in our bodies.
Speaker 1: So what was that experience like for you? It was good?
Speaker 1: I have a question, don't do you just think there's
Speaker 1: any type of utility and people being too hard on
Speaker 1: themselves like they could benefit. Yes, So our self critic
Speaker 1: is developed early in our lives as a way to
Speaker 1: help us stay safe, right, don't cross that street, don't
Speaker 1: touch the hot hands. So initially, earlier in our lives,
Speaker 1: it's a way to help keep us safe. But as
Speaker 1: we enter into our twenties and older, I think it's
Speaker 1: really hard work, and it's really important work to start
Speaker 1: to not listen to the self critic Um. It's important
Speaker 1: to do our best, of course, you know, you know,
Speaker 1: show up for our lives and for our relationships, but
Speaker 1: to do it from a place of criticism is constrictive.
Speaker 1: So how does one do that? How does one get
Speaker 1: out of that mode of thinking? So you could think
Speaker 1: of it like a bus, right, we have you know,
Speaker 1: internal family systems. It's all the different parts of ourselves,
Speaker 1: our internal child, our internal critic, our internal perfectionists, all
Speaker 1: these different parts. So if you're not allowing for the
Speaker 1: critic to drive the bus and thinking about yourself as
Speaker 1: parts of like, Okay, that's just a part of myself.
Speaker 1: That's a part of myself that wants me to do well.
Speaker 1: So you kind of thank the critic, like, thank you
Speaker 1: critic for helping me do my best and show up.
Speaker 1: And right now it's not helpful for me, so adapting
Speaker 1: that sort of compassionate approach to it of like and
Speaker 1: right now I don't need that. So one of the
Speaker 1: things that I think I'm most critical of myself or
Speaker 1: about myself is as we discussed as well before, is
Speaker 1: I don't allow myself to be emotional like I'm I'm
Speaker 1: aware of all of the things that I know I
Speaker 1: need to work on, but I think that I struggled
Speaker 1: to find that compassion within myself, and from what I've experienced,
Speaker 1: people can skew one of two ways, where it's you
Speaker 1: can skew logical or you can skew emotional. And I
Speaker 1: think that on that scale, I skew to a fault
Speaker 1: too far to the logical side, which makes it hard
Speaker 1: for me to connect with the people that skew more
Speaker 1: on the emotional side of things. And I think when
Speaker 1: that comes to relationships, that's been a kind of a
Speaker 1: fall short of mine as well. So how do I
Speaker 1: work on that where I can kind of bring that
Speaker 1: needle more towards the middle of logic and emotion. Mm hmm. See,
Speaker 1: so that's the top down management, right, going into rational thinking, UM,
Speaker 1: minimizing awareness of feelings and body sensations um. And I'll
Speaker 1: say that is a useful strategy and an emergency or crisis.
Speaker 1: And I know we briefly talked a little bit about
Speaker 1: some of the things he's you know, witnessed in his
Speaker 1: lifetime around people dying. You know, when you pretend you
Speaker 1: know can I may say, you know, you witnessed a
Speaker 1: friend get hit, and I mean it was like a
Speaker 1: really gory accident, and anyone would suffer for post traumatic
Speaker 1: stress for that, um and then losing your mother and
Speaker 1: then you know, also another friend to an overdose. So
Speaker 1: those three events, you know, in the face of crisis,
Speaker 1: you were able to just like okay, I'm gonna be logical,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna manage, I'm gonna keep it together. But then
Speaker 1: that becomes a habitual way of being in the world.
Speaker 1: So in relationship, it becomes kind of how you relate
Speaker 1: in the face of intense emotion. Um. And so what
Speaker 1: I would encourage is see what happens if you stay.
Speaker 1: So see what happens if you stay and lean in
Speaker 1: as I said last week, to the discomfort of course,
Speaker 1: have good boundaries. So you know, when it's a partner
Speaker 1: and there's a lot of emotion there and you don't
Speaker 1: know how to help, it's okay to say, you know what,
Speaker 1: I let's take a break. I need a little time
Speaker 1: out here to resource myself. Go get someone or go
Speaker 1: get some tea, maybe go for a walk so you
Speaker 1: feel resourced enough. Um. But you know, we talked about
Speaker 1: I heard on this podcast ghosting. Ghosting has been a
Speaker 1: theme lately, and the whole lessons of ghosting is because
Speaker 1: people are too uncomfortable to have that conversation or they're like, oh,
Speaker 1: it's just better if I don't say anything because it
Speaker 1: will be too hard or uncomfortable. So it's all about
Speaker 1: distressed tolerance, expand your window of tolerance, be with discomfort,
Speaker 1: keep doing your therapy, and your therapeutic you know container
Speaker 1: where you have the safety of one other person and
Speaker 1: the privacy to be able to deepen and go into
Speaker 1: the emotions. And it's all about embodied presence practices. So
Speaker 1: we talked about yoga, UM, these practices where dance, we're
Speaker 1: in our bodies. We have the presence in our bodies
Speaker 1: um and it, you know, allows for us to develop
Speaker 1: an attuned awareness of our somatic self beyond the thinking,
Speaker 1: because we are more than our thoughts. If we were
Speaker 1: just our thoughts and I were to say I'm a
Speaker 1: bad person, does that mean I'm a bad person, because
Speaker 1: not necessarily. It was last week as well. You said
Speaker 1: we're more than just our thoughts, and I kind of
Speaker 1: disagreed with you because I think that's really all we
Speaker 1: are is our thoughts. Oh, I see, I disagree with you. Well,
Speaker 1: and I was just all my thoughts. I God be
Speaker 1: in a bad place, right, But what are you If
Speaker 1: you're not your own thoughts? You are you are your actions.
Speaker 1: Your thoughts and your actions are two very different things. Okay,
Speaker 1: so you can think one thing. Have you ever thought
Speaker 1: you wanted to kill somebody. I don't think so you've
Speaker 1: never had not like legitimately, but you've never really thought
Speaker 1: like somebody pissed you off to the effect where you're like, god,
Speaker 1: I oh god, I even not punched them in the face.
Speaker 1: You've never had that feeling that on your head. We're like,
Speaker 1: that person pissed me off so much, I want to
Speaker 1: punch them in the face. But you didn't punch him
Speaker 1: in the face because you rationalize your thought and able
Speaker 1: we're able to calm yourself but then not act on
Speaker 1: your thoughts. Okay, but you're not the thought of punching
Speaker 1: him in the face. You're the thought of reasoning with
Speaker 1: yourself to then get over the idea of punching him
Speaker 1: in the face. So then you become the person that
Speaker 1: doesn't punch him in the face exactly, which is the
Speaker 1: person you are. But the thought of actually doing I
Speaker 1: don't know. You've never like because I disagree with you
Speaker 1: in that sense. What about what about your heart? What
Speaker 1: about your spirit? What about your you know, um gut like,
Speaker 1: what about who you are? Sprain? I don't know. I
Speaker 1: just think that at all, if it starts here, I
Speaker 1: agree with you of our serotonin is released in our guts,
Speaker 1: the happy chemical one transmitters, so they're discovering more that
Speaker 1: actually our gut is a brain and our heart is
Speaker 1: sentient and intelligent too, So we might have three brains.
Speaker 1: Where's the third heart gut in the actual brain? Okay, um, well, heyy,
Speaker 1: thank you so much for coming in. I know this
Speaker 1: must be I think it's probably more challenging for you
Speaker 1: because it's more expedited than like a regular full session. Yeah,
Speaker 1: typically your brain spotting session should be fifty minutes to
Speaker 1: an hour and a half, and so you know, we
Speaker 1: had to really condense it. And of course this was
Speaker 1: a demonstration. It wasn't a therapy session because this, you know, therapeutically,
Speaker 1: it's appropriate to do it with um, the support of
Speaker 1: just a counselor one on one so that you feel
Speaker 1: safe to really go there. But I felt much more
Speaker 1: comfortable back when it was just us too, that on
Speaker 1: all these jamos were in studio with us. So maybe
Speaker 1: next time you're in that we can do a one
Speaker 1: on one full session. And yeah, you're just hackling the
Speaker 1: entire time, peanuts. His eyes were closed, smacking him with
Speaker 1: a little point. Um, So what's next for you go
Speaker 1: back to San Francisco. Back to San Francisco this evening,
Speaker 1: my short, little flighty easy trip. Cool. Well, if we
Speaker 1: don't have you in studio, we'll have you on the phone,
Speaker 1: and next time you're in Los Angeles, give us a call.
Speaker 1: We'll just individual sessions with you. We'll do some couples
Speaker 1: therapy there you go, Okay, do you actually ever consider
Speaker 1: I know it doesn't seem like you probably need it,
Speaker 1: but would you ever consider it? Um, of course we
Speaker 1: would consider it, but it's really just not necessary right now.
Speaker 1: I mean, I don't want to say it's not necessary
Speaker 1: in case, you know whatever, but it's just not something
Speaker 1: that we would do right now. We talk a lot
Speaker 1: about everything, so pat she is a very emotional person.
Speaker 1: It's very emotional, and then I'm very receptive, and then
Speaker 1: she's and then she also conversely is able to get
Speaker 1: things out of me that I have very difficult time
Speaker 1: talking about. Yeah, that dynamics kind of like what you
Speaker 1: were talking about. So I love these said receptive. So
Speaker 1: being receptive and yet not trying to fix, not trying
Speaker 1: to change her, not trying to fix her, but just
Speaker 1: being attuned and receptive to her. Oh, I'm never going
Speaker 1: to fix Ashley, and she will never fix you. She
Speaker 1: doesn't need to be fixed. She's perfect. That's right. You.
Speaker 1: On the other hand, maybe not. I got a lot
Speaker 1: of work to do, maybe progress. But that was the
Speaker 1: point that I was trying to make because I think
Speaker 1: I askew too hard to the logical side of things
Speaker 1: that this allows me to I guess even like move
Speaker 1: a little bit towards emotion, get out of your head
Speaker 1: a little bit and deeper than emotion actually, because our
Speaker 1: feelings are emotions are are cognitive to thoughts and feelings,
Speaker 1: so it's actually more visceral body based you're getting in
Speaker 1: your sensation. I gotta talk to my gut a little
Speaker 1: bit more, I think, okay, I'll work on that through
Speaker 1: the active meditation. All right, well, thank you again for
Speaker 1: coming in. It's always a pleasure. I'll be honest. I
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna say it actually, so i'll say it,
Speaker 1: and I'm probably gonna get some backlash for this. From
Speaker 1: our phone call yesterday, I thought that you were going
Speaker 1: to be like, you're very articulate and intelligence and you
Speaker 1: have a very soothing voice. I was like, this old lady,
Speaker 1: so wise, beyond her years, and now will come to
Speaker 1: find out what you're in your your twenties, and so
Speaker 1: you're even wiser beyond the years. And I thought you
Speaker 1: already wise beyond Wow crazy. That's kind, thank you. I'm
Speaker 1: an old soul. Um. Anyways, you have a website, yes, yes,
Speaker 1: it's Hitt m FT dot com h g W I
Speaker 1: T t R m FT. And you don't have an
Speaker 1: Instagram Nope. I I don't believe in social media. It
Speaker 1: creates the dopamine surge in the brain that contributes to addiction.
Speaker 1: Maybe I should delete my Instagram. I don't believe in
Speaker 1: social media either. And yet here we are. Well you
Speaker 1: use it to make money? Wow? More than that? Well yeah, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: and it's it's you know, if it's your you know, livelihood.
Speaker 1: If you use it for work, that's one thing. But
Speaker 1: I choose not to s markt through. Well, you can't
Speaker 1: find her on Instagram, Twitter or Facebook, but you can
Speaker 1: definitely find her on the internet, Haley M Sorry Hewett
Speaker 1: m FT dot com. Uh. And it's h E W
Speaker 1: I T T okay, just like Packard Hewett Hewett Packard. No,
Speaker 1: that's Hewlett, like Hewlett Packard, not like that guy. Anyways,
Speaker 1: j check it out, and Haley, we'll circle back with
Speaker 1: you at a later date and we'll see everyone's doing
Speaker 1: the Thank you so much for coming in. Thank you Haley.
Speaker 1: Great having Haley back in here. It is good to
Speaker 1: meuter face to face. That was nice. We got emails
Speaker 1: so well, before we get to emails, I know it's
Speaker 1: coming up. Okay, good, We got on scrubbing in. We
Speaker 1: got Tanya's point of view on the date with Dean,
Speaker 1: and now we need to get Dean's point of view
Speaker 1: on the date with date. All right, Can I get
Speaker 1: a little preface because I wasn't here, so there was
Speaker 1: like a conversation between you and telling you that you
Speaker 1: guys were going on a date. Dean's mouth is full
Speaker 1: of sugar bear hair. So I will say this because
Speaker 1: I need the sound of people eating on microphone. It's
Speaker 1: a pet peeve. He asked her out. He legitimately asked
Speaker 1: her out. He asked her out without any kind of
Speaker 1: you know, preconceptions, any kind of tongue in cheek. There
Speaker 1: was nothing like that. He legitimately asked her out, and
Speaker 1: she was very questioning of it, and what are your motivations?
Speaker 1: And now you just playing with me because we've been
Speaker 1: friends for a long time. But he was like, no,
Speaker 1: I really want to take you out on a date.
Speaker 1: And she eventually relented and said yes. I broke her
Speaker 1: down because her her guard is up. So he picked
Speaker 1: her up at six thirty last Wednesday. Uh, they went
Speaker 1: to Elefante. They were denied I make a reservation for
Speaker 1: the date. So I tried to make a reservation. They
Speaker 1: were all booked up. They said, if you guys want
Speaker 1: to try and come to the bar, we might have
Speaker 1: seating for you. So we showed up at Elfhante obviously
Speaker 1: sure enough, they didn't have any seating. Um. So No.
Speaker 1: One Garden is like a two block walk away, and
Speaker 1: it's actually much nicer. It's like a rooftop. You can
Speaker 1: kind of overlook and see the street. We think that
Speaker 1: they weren't dressed nicely enough for Ellafante. We're both in
Speaker 1: jeans and a T shirt. They're going to a concert, Yeah, okay,
Speaker 1: we're concert Betty who? So she just a pure concert
Speaker 1: on Wednesday night, sin cinema. Betty who was actually really funny.
Speaker 1: Who the funny thing is about this? I was thinking
Speaker 1: this on the way here is It's such a funny
Speaker 1: thing to go on a date, especially with Tanya, because
Speaker 1: not only does she talk about it on Scrubbing In
Speaker 1: with you guys, he talks about in Ronsea Christ in
Speaker 1: the Morning, which is just so easy for me to
Speaker 1: find access to and listen to. And I'm like, I'm
Speaker 1: listening to her talk about a date that she went
Speaker 1: on with me. Just it's just kind of funny and weird,
Speaker 1: very it's a really good plug for the podcast. I
Speaker 1: can't complain it's um, but I mean, the date went well.
Speaker 1: What did she did she say anything on scrubbing in
Speaker 1: or on the Secret Show that that really piqued her
Speaker 1: interest that you thought, Oh that's interesting. I didn't know
Speaker 1: she felt that way. Um, I think on scrubbing and
Speaker 1: she said something along the lines up, I was thinking
Speaker 1: about him over the weekend, which it's weird. It's not weird.
Speaker 1: It was very sweet. It's very sweet, she said, So
Speaker 1: she was thinking about you over the weekend after the day, Yes,
Speaker 1: did you guys? All right, hold on, let's hear the
Speaker 1: about the day. I want to hear your version of
Speaker 1: the date. I picked her up at six thirty on
Speaker 1: the dot. Okay, she said so right on time. Um,
Speaker 1: we drove to Elfhante valid my car. Obviously we can
Speaker 1: get an elephante. So we walked down to Sonoma, had
Speaker 1: a glass of wine and some hummus and uh a
Speaker 1: salad beat salad. You know I love salad. Uh. And
Speaker 1: then we walked down to the pier and watch Betty
Speaker 1: who finished her set. She had like three songs left.
Speaker 1: And I don't really know anybody whose songs, but Tanya
Speaker 1: is a big fan, so it was fun to see
Speaker 1: her in her element. We kind of danced around for
Speaker 1: a little bit. You did not hold hands. We there
Speaker 1: was a point where we were like she like reached
Speaker 1: for my hand and I was like, well, to me,
Speaker 1: hand holding is more intimate than kissing someone. It's like
Speaker 1: you hold hands with a girlfriend or a boyfriend. It
Speaker 1: really is an announcement to the world, like, hey, look,
Speaker 1: we're in a relationship, and for a first day, it
Speaker 1: just seems to me like I just I wasn't comfortable
Speaker 1: with it. I get that. Um. And then so we
Speaker 1: walked around and actually Sissany who was on the Morning
Speaker 1: show with the Seacrest. She and her husband have a
Speaker 1: plaque on the pier at the end and so we
Speaker 1: like went down and found that, which is really cool.
Speaker 1: It took us like maybe twenty minutes to find that,
Speaker 1: so it was fun. And then we just walked back
Speaker 1: and then I just drove her home. Do you guys kiss?
Speaker 1: I got to her to her house, we walked up
Speaker 1: to her door and we just hugged and I left.
Speaker 1: So no kiss? Did you consider kissing her? I thought
Speaker 1: about it, but it's just it's a very weird dynamic.
Speaker 1: It's a very weird dynamic. Even describing it, it's weird. Yeah,
Speaker 1: And I love Tanya. She's an incredible We all know
Speaker 1: she's an incredible human. I like, there are some things
Speaker 1: that go through my mind, like what are the repercussions
Speaker 1: of kissing her? Like let's say the kisses great, Let's
Speaker 1: say the Chris is horrible? Right then, like what happens
Speaker 1: when we see each other once a week for the
Speaker 1: rest of eternity? Or it's like like, I don't know,
Speaker 1: it's just a lot to consider changes things. Is that
Speaker 1: the concern? It es thing? Okay? Yeah? And I also
Speaker 1: think it's not weird because you guys are weird, but
Speaker 1: it's weird because there's so much pressure on this day.
Speaker 1: Everybody knew about it. Everybody knew that you guys are
Speaker 1: gonna come on the podcast and talk about on air.
Speaker 1: So it's like that puts you're already an awkward position.
Speaker 1: It's like like you're holding hands, you're kissing. It's like,
Speaker 1: and all right, let me ask you though, when you
Speaker 1: guys were like grabbing your glass of wine and having
Speaker 1: your beats out, was it more of like friendship vibes
Speaker 1: or was it more like, oh wow, this could potentially
Speaker 1: be more than friendship vibes? Um See, even that's awkward
Speaker 1: to ask because Tanya's are like, that's it's a man,
Speaker 1: I don't know. It's tough. There's a lot that time
Speaker 1: and I didn't know about each other that it was
Speaker 1: nice to be able to sit down and discuss, Like,
Speaker 1: she found you fascinating. She really did well. I find
Speaker 1: her fascinating. To The weird thing is I felt like
Speaker 1: she's very open. She wears herself and her personality on
Speaker 1: her sleeve, and so it's like what you see of
Speaker 1: her on the podcast and on Seacrest is exactly who
Speaker 1: she is. And so there were no like blind sided
Speaker 1: blind sidings, like I wasn't caught off guard by anything
Speaker 1: that she said. Um, I think that she maybe was
Speaker 1: a little bit more sounded with the things that I've
Speaker 1: told her, just like about my life, which is fine,
Speaker 1: and and like like there was never a lull in
Speaker 1: the conversation. There was never like a moment of silence
Speaker 1: or anythink that, uh, it went really really well. It's
Speaker 1: just as I think, it's something that should be taken
Speaker 1: slowly before jumping in and playing tonsil hockey with each other.
Speaker 1: It's just something that needs to be um in my
Speaker 1: opinion more, what's the word I'm looking for? Like cautious.
Speaker 1: Cautious is very important. It is a good word, just
Speaker 1: like methodical, maybe in a sense before you take any
Speaker 1: actions that makes sense. It's a little delicate. You want
Speaker 1: to be careful. I get that now. Who said this
Speaker 1: date up? So you went to TIY was like, I
Speaker 1: want to take you out on a date. We were
Speaker 1: discussing I think on my on this podcast or on
Speaker 1: her podcast a couple of weeks ago. One of the
Speaker 1: one of the scrubbing in when he's talking about help
Speaker 1: by second and I don't know, I was just like,
Speaker 1: let's go on a day. It'll be fun. If nothing
Speaker 1: else it'll just be two friends hanging out and obviously,
Speaker 1: obviously sure enough it went well. I would assume that
Speaker 1: there will be a second day. I understand the balls
Speaker 1: in my court. I listened to scubbing in did asked
Speaker 1: me to go to church with her on Sunday. Huh, Well,
Speaker 1: so I was celebrating my friend's birthday at a Bronco
Speaker 1: bar because the Broncos were playing. I'm a big, big,
Speaker 1: big Broncos fan. Um. I will say I haven't had
Speaker 1: the best of luck with church dates as well. So
Speaker 1: post breakup with Leslie, I went to a church maybe
Speaker 1: a handful of times. Uh. Two of those times I
Speaker 1: would say, we're on a date, and it's fine. It's
Speaker 1: just that's something that I also can only start doing
Speaker 1: once I'm comfortable enough in the relationship. Of course, such
Speaker 1: people take dates to church. I've never well, there was
Speaker 1: a lot of the post breakup. I was like super stress,
Speaker 1: very anxious. I was like, I need to do something
Speaker 1: to help me, like re establish myself as a human.
Speaker 1: So I went a few times by myself. Uh, and
Speaker 1: then I went with like a friend and then this
Speaker 1: girl that I was interested in dating, like knew that
Speaker 1: I went and she wanted to come, and so I
Speaker 1: took her as a date. And then this other time
Speaker 1: she wanted to go, so she took me as a date. Uh.
Speaker 1: And so it was just one of those things where
Speaker 1: it's like where we should be going anyways, so let's
Speaker 1: go together and enjoy it together. A cute date. It's
Speaker 1: almost a test. It could be a test, depending on
Speaker 1: who's doing the app it's not. I don't think it's
Speaker 1: a cute, and I think I failed that test, Tana test.
Speaker 1: Do you think it's a cute? First, it's a cute
Speaker 1: third or fourth day? Yeah, of course, if you guys
Speaker 1: hang out, there's some chemistry there. And then at least
Speaker 1: if you invite her to church, she knows that you're
Speaker 1: religious and Bubbo, you can have had that conversation, well
Speaker 1: knows I'm not religious. I'm open to the idea of
Speaker 1: that entire world, but on my own I'm not. And
Speaker 1: that's the thing too, is like when I went post
Speaker 1: breakup back in April, when I started going, Um, i
Speaker 1: went a few times and I was like, now I
Speaker 1: remember exactly why this isn't for me, because I hadn't
Speaker 1: gone to church since I was fifteen years old. I
Speaker 1: went every Sunday until I was that age, um, and
Speaker 1: it was just one of those things where I was like,
Speaker 1: I'm glad that I tried it again, so that way
Speaker 1: I can kind of really reaffirm the fact that it's
Speaker 1: not something I'm interested in right now. And again, like
Speaker 1: if the person that I eventually fell in love with
Speaker 1: and got married too, if that was a big opponent
Speaker 1: of their life, I would have no issue with that.
Speaker 1: But right now, which is one of those things where
Speaker 1: it's like it makes sense. I'm curious to think though,
Speaker 1: if there wasn't so much pressure on this day between
Speaker 1: you and Tania, if you would have held her hand
Speaker 1: or like been a little less cautious just for the
Speaker 1: simple fact you're more in the moment rather than thinking
Speaker 1: about the ramifications of the day. I think that there
Speaker 1: are there's two sides to this specific scenario. Um. I've
Speaker 1: always been an advocate of dating friends. Antonia and I
Speaker 1: have been friends for a year, so we know each
Speaker 1: other pretty well. UM. That being said, it's kind of
Speaker 1: on the other side of it. It's it kind of
Speaker 1: makes it a little bit more difficult to break down
Speaker 1: that romantic barrier because then we're holding hands, and I'm like, oh,
Speaker 1: I'm just holding hands with a friend, you know what
Speaker 1: I mean. Uh, So that's the challenge. And so you're
Speaker 1: saying if if it wasn't, if I wasn't me and
Speaker 1: she wasn't. The reason I'm saying that is because you
Speaker 1: made a comment earlier you said, like, holding hands for
Speaker 1: me is very intimates boyfriend girlfriend. I'm curious, though, if
Speaker 1: you were just platonic friends with somebody, I think you'd
Speaker 1: hold their hands and have no issue with it, because
Speaker 1: you're like, no, this is fine whatever. But now that
Speaker 1: there's like a potential romance, you feel more awkward about
Speaker 1: holding their hands because you're thinking about the future rather
Speaker 1: than just being like, this doesn't mean anything. I've held
Speaker 1: Ashley's hand, Yeah, I know. That's that's honestly the first
Speaker 1: thing that popped in my head before we started dating.
Speaker 1: But that was honestly the first thing that popped in
Speaker 1: my head. I'm I'm I'm fine with it, guys, but no,
Speaker 1: it's because I remember Ashley told me that, um and uh,
Speaker 1: and then I was like, well, you're not holding's hand
Speaker 1: in hand anymore. That's a really good point because I
Speaker 1: think that both actually I knew that there would never
Speaker 1: be like a romantic interest on either exactly, so it
Speaker 1: wasn't awkward. You guys are just friends holding hands, there's
Speaker 1: nothing to it. But now that you're like potentially forming
Speaker 1: this relationship with Tanya, she's no longer just a friend.
Speaker 1: She's a potential partner that you feel awkward holding your hand,
Speaker 1: And I'm just curious to think, Like, I wonder if
Speaker 1: you guys were just like, hey, let's hang out this
Speaker 1: night and then didn't put any um projections on it,
Speaker 1: if you would have held her hands. So you're not
Speaker 1: a big thing, but just kind of something that popped
Speaker 1: in my head. So you're saying I shot it down
Speaker 1: before you even had the chance to take off. I
Speaker 1: don't think you're shooting no, but I I'm curious to
Speaker 1: see if that this cautious approach will hinder it and
Speaker 1: anyway rather than trying to let it blossom. But you're right,
Speaker 1: I don't think there's any other way to do it
Speaker 1: because we're all friends, were all hanging out, we all
Speaker 1: work together, so it's like a little blurry blurry Yeah,
Speaker 1: but it's interesting, So we'll see what happens next. I
Speaker 1: have two more questions. One, she said, you walked in
Speaker 1: front of her a lot. You did not like that.
Speaker 1: She didn't like that because we did a morning hack
Speaker 1: or something on the morning show. That that's that that's
Speaker 1: a bad sign, that that he's not into you. Sign
Speaker 1: a guy who's really into you will slow his gate
Speaker 1: to stand to be walking next to you. And the
Speaker 1: thing is, I don't really have much of response to that,
Speaker 1: because that's apparently a subconscious thing. Yeah, it is. I
Speaker 1: don't know. Maybe it was just one of those things
Speaker 1: where I, I, I don't want to say it felt uncomfortable,
Speaker 1: but I just like I felt like I hadn't. I
Speaker 1: think that goes back to the point that maybe your
Speaker 1: cautious approach might already like shoot down the potential of
Speaker 1: you guys having something because you're overthinking it and you're
Speaker 1: not allowing yourself to be in the moment because you're
Speaker 1: too afraid of the consequences that could potentially come from
Speaker 1: you guys trying it and not working out. Right, Like
Speaker 1: I kind of almost have an obligation to take things slow.
Speaker 1: Yeah you do. Yeah, that makes sense. I think you should. Man,
Speaker 1: it's you pour bastard. I'm sorry. They talk about your dates.
Speaker 1: I'm really I'm feeling very grateful right now. That's why
Speaker 1: we're here to help I suck at dating. But I
Speaker 1: also want people to know that, like everybody listening to
Speaker 1: really appreciate Tanya and Dean putting themselves out there and
Speaker 1: like analyzing your date, even something as simple as walking
Speaker 1: in front like I'm sure so many people do that
Speaker 1: and they don't even realize, but you're willing to, you know,
Speaker 1: say oh, yeah, I guess I was walking in front
Speaker 1: of her. Maybe that wasn't a good sign. It's like
Speaker 1: you're willing to say that, and Tanya's willing to talk
Speaker 1: about it too, So I'll give you guys kudas one
Speaker 1: more thing. So Tanya, we talked about how she's just Tanya,
Speaker 1: that there is no air Tanya off air attorney, It's
Speaker 1: just Tanya, which I love that about her absolutely. Why
Speaker 1: she's so good at what she does. When you're at
Speaker 1: Beutty Who and when she's at a concert she sings
Speaker 1: at the top of her lungs, dances like like there's
Speaker 1: nobody watching, just sings so loud. And some of that
Speaker 1: was on Instagram. How do you see that? Because some
Speaker 1: would find that annoying, and some find that adorable because
Speaker 1: it's like she's a twelve year old. It's the most
Speaker 1: endearing thing. I agree, I think it's adorable. I don't
Speaker 1: think that that would, ever, in my opinion, be considered
Speaker 1: a bad thing. I think the opposite would be bad,
Speaker 1: where it's like they're within themselves, they're not able to
Speaker 1: let loose and have fun. And she was encouraging me too.
Speaker 1: She was like, all right, now, like you go up
Speaker 1: there and jump up and down, and I'm gonna go
Speaker 1: over here and jump up and down. I was like,
Speaker 1: all right, let's great, let's go. This is much more
Speaker 1: fun than so. I love people that are willing to
Speaker 1: just make fools themselves and not even care because they
Speaker 1: love something so much. For example, if I was at
Speaker 1: a Matchbox twenty concert, I'm gonna lose my ship and
Speaker 1: like start screaming, and like if actually was with me,
Speaker 1: I hope she'd be like, oh, this is adorable. Conversely,
Speaker 1: when we're at Backstreet Boys together, actually loses her mind,
Speaker 1: and I love that because she just loves them so much.
Speaker 1: That's a great quality Tania possesses too. She's able to
Speaker 1: find joy in just about anything and I think that's
Speaker 1: pretty rare nowadays. And so you find someone like that,
Speaker 1: you're like, okay, Like this girl can make any situation
Speaker 1: into a fun situation, especially for someone like me, Like
Speaker 1: I definitely I noticed that, and I'm like, Okay, that's awesome.
Speaker 1: Every time I see Tanya, she is always smiling. She's awesome.
Speaker 1: But so in terms of the next date, I guess
Speaker 1: we'll stop talking about it so much because he does
Speaker 1: put pressure on it. That's my advice to you. But
Speaker 1: she so we were talking yesterday and she I made
Speaker 1: a comment that I've never seen a Grays Anatomy episode,
Speaker 1: and she's like, oh my god, you have to watch
Speaker 1: season two episodes sixteen and seventeen. I don't know what
Speaker 1: that is, but I would watch the guy who had
Speaker 1: the bomb and his abdomatic watched that episode, watch one.
Speaker 1: That's the one OULD watch, and I'm like, okay, I'll
Speaker 1: definitely watch this to get a better understanding of WHU
Speaker 1: Tanya is as a person. And then I made her
Speaker 1: watch my favorite childhood movie, which is this anime movie.
Speaker 1: Easton might have heard of it, heard of Akida. Oh,
Speaker 1: It's it's phenomenal. It's about set in Neo Tokyo. It's
Speaker 1: it was made and not many people know. That's one
Speaker 1: of my favorite movies. I actually told her that yesterday. Um,
Speaker 1: I was like, you're one of three parts. Oh wait,
Speaker 1: I've been pronouncing it in a super white America. That's
Speaker 1: how I always okay. A phenomenal movie. I've seen parts
Speaker 1: of it. I've read parts of the manga as well.
Speaker 1: Oh you're a bigger fan than I am. You got
Speaker 1: hurt of to Japanese animated movie. I think I convinced
Speaker 1: her to do it, but she hasn't done an yet.
Speaker 1: So you guys go from your second day at church
Speaker 1: to your third day at watching me. I have a
Speaker 1: hundred questions. So this is hypocritical of me to say.
Speaker 1: But if I were you, I would ask her out
Speaker 1: on the down low, and you guys go out without
Speaker 1: telling anybody to say, we haven't already had a second day. Um.
Speaker 1: A couple of emails here, Caitlin. I wanted to get
Speaker 1: to real quickly. Caitlin at the first date, and she
Speaker 1: was so nervous for she felt physically ill. It was
Speaker 1: about an hour before the date and she remembered the
Speaker 1: hypnosis episode of the podcast. It was hypnotized so so
Speaker 1: that I'm gonna try it. It worked. By the time
Speaker 1: this session was over, I was totally relaxed, calm, and
Speaker 1: excited for my day and throughout the day, it was
Speaker 1: confidently at a great time. I felt so comfortable with
Speaker 1: everything that was happening. Was fantastic. We have another date
Speaker 1: plan this weekend. Thank you so much for having a
Speaker 1: place to talk about things that are awkward or uncomfortable
Speaker 1: that we don't always want to address and sharing those
Speaker 1: discussions with us. Huge fan of all three of you,
Speaker 1: including Vanessa. That's very sweet. Thank you so much. That
Speaker 1: is very sweet. And Whitney has a question, Sorry, you
Speaker 1: can talk about it. It It didn't say including Vanessa. I
Speaker 1: thought that was funny. No, I'm just saying the three
Speaker 1: of you. Whitney met a guy to wedding a couple
Speaker 1: of years ago. Totally hit it off. Nothing physical happened,
Speaker 1: but we exchanged phone numbers. At the time, we were
Speaker 1: long distance. He was in Chicago and I was in Minneapolis,
Speaker 1: but we did hang out a few times when I visited.
Speaker 1: We talked for seven months after I just moved to
Speaker 1: Chicago for a job. Since I've arrived, he's initiated more
Speaker 1: conversations and doubtings and one on one dates and in groups.
Speaker 1: He helped me do random stuff around my condo. He's
Speaker 1: been very present. I don't feel like I'm in the
Speaker 1: friend zone. But he's also not straight up asked me
Speaker 1: on on a date or made a move. But am
Speaker 1: I missing help? I super duper suck at dating, Whinney,
Speaker 1: I don't think you super duper suck at dating, and
Speaker 1: I think he might suck a little bit. Guys, guys,
Speaker 1: guys suck. We're just afraid to step up as it's
Speaker 1: really true. We're just like you ever seen the episode
Speaker 1: of Boy Means World where Eric goes up on stage
Speaker 1: and he's like, since the beginning of time, men have
Speaker 1: been stupid, and then he's like, this is to make
Speaker 1: up for it, and then all the guys come out
Speaker 1: and dance. This is how I feel about guys. We
Speaker 1: just like we continue to mess up time after time.
Speaker 1: And maybe this guy is just really afraid to ask
Speaker 1: you out, but he's always like lingering around hoping that
Speaker 1: something might happen. The challenging thing for a guy sometimes
Speaker 1: too is and I think Tanya and I have we
Speaker 1: discussed this a little bit is we spent all this
Speaker 1: time building a rapport with someone, but that rapport is
Speaker 1: purely friendly friendly, and then it's hard to break through
Speaker 1: that wall of going from friend to romantic because you
Speaker 1: have such a strong foundation as friends and it's like, okay,
Speaker 1: then it's gonna be awkward if maybe I'll ask her out,
Speaker 1: maybe she'll say no, and then maybe, like the friendship
Speaker 1: is jeopard as at that point too, who cares? Why
Speaker 1: do we need so many friends? And I've never understood
Speaker 1: that argument. I hate friends friends. I just don't get
Speaker 1: the I don't know why you need so many friends
Speaker 1: of the oppositect that you don't want to ruin the friendship,
Speaker 1: ruin it if you have those feelings, it's kind of
Speaker 1: ruined anyway. You have friends for the rest of your life.
Speaker 1: Um My thing is that you know when I'm older,
Speaker 1: as we've talked about before, and uh so, back in
Speaker 1: the day, you hated asking people out because it's you
Speaker 1: get nervous and you want to throw up, and you're
Speaker 1: putting yourself out there and you're afraid of rejection. We
Speaker 1: didn't have a choice, though nowadays it seems you have
Speaker 1: a choice because you can just swipe swipe, swipe swipe
Speaker 1: and all this other stuff. They don't really have to
Speaker 1: ask anybody out. And you're going group dates and he
Speaker 1: just casual or maybe he's just gotten worse and worse
Speaker 1: and worse over the years, but it seems like no
Speaker 1: guys want to step up. I think he's interested. I mean,
Speaker 1: if there's no other reason for him to be always
Speaker 1: around and always doing stuff for you and hanging out
Speaker 1: at your conduct and they've hung out in groups, he's
Speaker 1: helped her, and he's responsibility to ask who out, the
Speaker 1: guy or the girl cause she just asked him out.
Speaker 1: I love the idea of her just saying, hey, can
Speaker 1: we go on a date moment like that modern woman.
Speaker 1: I say go for it. I agree, I say go
Speaker 1: for it to He's not really stepping up, but he's
Speaker 1: always around, so there's probably some sort of interest there.
Speaker 1: There's gotta be, And so yeah, when he I'd suggest
Speaker 1: asking him out and exactly what's the worst that can happen?
Speaker 1: Or maybe invite him over to the apartment one time
Speaker 1: to help you, like hang a shelf and then just
Speaker 1: jump his bones. Yeah, and then just show you're only
Speaker 1: wearing a T shirt that works on a T shirt.
Speaker 1: That's that's honestly, that's my suggestion. Maybe turn on some Netflix.
Speaker 1: Get some glasses of Barry Manilowan in the lines. That's
Speaker 1: the sensory overload. We can't have Barry Manil and Netflix. Uh,
Speaker 1: you know, get a few sessions from the master cuddler
Speaker 1: before she comes over. Oh good God in heaven. Those
Speaker 1: are all we have today. All the emails will keep.
Speaker 1: Please keep sending the emails in those are my favorite
Speaker 1: part of the show. I suck at dating and I
Speaker 1: hurt media dot com perfect. Keep sending them there. Thank
Speaker 1: you so much to Samantha Hess from the Not Not
Speaker 1: Professional Cut anymore. She is a master cuddler. And thank
Speaker 1: you so much for Samantha coming on the podcast. Thank
Speaker 1: you so much, Haley uh for doing a therapy session
Speaker 1: with Dean. I know Dean gained a lot from that,
Speaker 1: and so did we as listeners. Haley, you are welcomed anytime.
Speaker 1: Please come visit. Thank you planet Hollywood, where all of
Speaker 1: us will be this weekend for the I Heart Festival.
Speaker 1: Before we sign off fully and completely, is it inappropriate
Speaker 1: to ask a perspective therapist out on a date. No,
Speaker 1: I don't think so. At this point. Yeah, I think
Speaker 1: if you had a private session in her office, then
Speaker 1: it becomes weird. But she was a guest on your podcast,
Speaker 1: and I got news for you. She's probably gonna listen
Speaker 1: to the podcast because she was on it, so she's
Speaker 1: gonna know that you're kinda It's all part of the plant.
Speaker 1: Thank you for listening to this week's episode of Help
Speaker 1: I Suck At Dating. I'm Dean, This is Jared with
Speaker 1: Mark and Eastern. Tune in next week where maybe we'll
Speaker 1: suck a little bit less. Follow help by Suck At
Speaker 1: Dating with Dean, Vanessa and Jared on I Heart Radio
Speaker 1: or wherever you listen to podcast