WEBVTT - This Sucks! I’m Divorced…And Now, So Is My Child! 0:00:19.200 --> 0:00:20.799 Hey, I do Part two. 0:00:21.280 --> 0:00:25.000 It's your celebrity mentor, Susan Oles, and I'm here in 0:00:25.079 --> 0:00:29.520 Tahoe with some of my favorite Bachelor Nation alum Joan, 0:00:29.800 --> 0:00:33.920 Kathy and Cindy. We are all in our chapter two. 0:00:34.440 --> 0:00:38.280 Let's dive into this world a bit because we all 0:00:38.280 --> 0:00:41.320 have a lot of advice and experience to share. 0:00:43.600 --> 0:00:45.960 We do, we do, we a lot of age, but 0:00:46.000 --> 0:00:47.639 we also experience it goes with it. 0:00:47.840 --> 0:00:50.200 Can I ask you guys, what has been the biggest 0:00:50.320 --> 0:00:53.800 change that you've seen in yourselves. 0:00:55.240 --> 0:00:56.000 In chapter two? 0:00:56.120 --> 0:00:57.480 No, that's a big question. 0:00:57.640 --> 0:01:01.200 The biggest change I think for me is the freedom 0:01:01.240 --> 0:01:04.399 to reimagine what my life can look like and to 0:01:04.480 --> 0:01:07.440 let go of what other people's expectations are, to what 0:01:07.480 --> 0:01:11.080 my kids expectations are, my friends, everyone, and just to 0:01:11.240 --> 0:01:11.800 find the. 0:01:11.920 --> 0:01:13.720 Life that I want to live. 0:01:14.040 --> 0:01:14.600 I love it. 0:01:14.840 --> 0:01:18.840 Yeah, I think for me, my chapter two looks a 0:01:18.880 --> 0:01:22.720 little differently because I'm not divorced. I'm widowed, and sudden 0:01:22.760 --> 0:01:25.880 widowhood changes your life in a different kind of way. 0:01:25.920 --> 0:01:32.560 But for me, I so appreciate nature and I allow 0:01:32.680 --> 0:01:35.039 myself now. What were Joan and I were just talking 0:01:35.080 --> 0:01:40.280 about this that we allow ourselves now to I sit 0:01:40.360 --> 0:01:43.720 on my back porch with a book, and I imagine 0:01:44.480 --> 0:01:48.919 my life that that's a complete life. Enjoin a book 0:01:48.960 --> 0:01:51.200 with a cup of coffee, looking out at the birds, 0:01:51.240 --> 0:01:54.280 looking out at my trees in my backyard, knowing that 0:01:54.520 --> 0:01:58.320 whatever I feel like doing that day, it's enough. I 0:01:58.400 --> 0:02:01.600 don't have to answer to my children or be a 0:02:01.640 --> 0:02:06.320 certain way for my kids. But I think the only 0:02:06.360 --> 0:02:09.079 other difference for me is my parents were divorced when 0:02:09.080 --> 0:02:13.200 I was very young, so I had the security ripped 0:02:13.200 --> 0:02:17.480 out from underneath me, and my whole life was feeling insecure. 0:02:17.520 --> 0:02:19.000 In time met my husband and then I had this 0:02:19.160 --> 0:02:24.080 very secure life. So when I became single suddenly, I 0:02:24.280 --> 0:02:29.280 never wanted my kids to feel that insecurity because their 0:02:29.400 --> 0:02:31.960 dad was gone, even though they were grown adults. So 0:02:32.120 --> 0:02:34.519 you know, my chapter two is looking a little different 0:02:34.520 --> 0:02:36.760 in that way. Yeah, what about you, John. 0:02:36.919 --> 0:02:40.919 I feel like, like like you said, when you become 0:02:40.960 --> 0:02:44.840 a widow, it's your the future that you had planned 0:02:45.120 --> 0:02:47.600 is all of a sudden, a blank slate and the 0:02:48.240 --> 0:02:51.440 like letting go of what you imagined your future would 0:02:51.440 --> 0:02:53.440 look like with the person that you were going to 0:02:53.480 --> 0:02:56.040 do it with that you you know, is your life partner, 0:02:56.680 --> 0:02:59.240 is really hard, and that takes like a lot of 0:02:59.280 --> 0:03:01.600 growth and a lot of reflection and like, how am 0:03:01.600 --> 0:03:03.760 I going to now create this life for myself? And 0:03:03.800 --> 0:03:06.079 I found like that I was stronger than I thought, 0:03:06.280 --> 0:03:08.840 and it took a while, it took several years, but 0:03:10.080 --> 0:03:12.960 like I embraced being a single parent that even though 0:03:13.000 --> 0:03:14.680 my kids aren't little anymore, they need me as much 0:03:14.720 --> 0:03:16.240 as they ever did, and the things that they need 0:03:16.280 --> 0:03:18.320 me for are way more important. So I had to 0:03:18.360 --> 0:03:22.239 be stronger than I ever was. I had to reimagine 0:03:22.240 --> 0:03:23.600 what my future was going to look like. And that's 0:03:23.600 --> 0:03:25.880 still like a work in progress. I'm still like figuring 0:03:25.919 --> 0:03:29.000 that out, but I don't have to have that like perfect, 0:03:29.160 --> 0:03:30.760 this is what I'm going to do for the next 0:03:30.800 --> 0:03:33.119 twenty years. I'm okay with not knowing when I'm moving 0:03:33.120 --> 0:03:34.680 for the next twenty years. And that used to make 0:03:34.680 --> 0:03:36.800 me very uncomfortable and now I'm very comfortable with it. 0:03:37.360 --> 0:03:39.840 Well, I was just going to say, Susan, the three 0:03:39.880 --> 0:03:42.680 of us, Sindy, you don't have grandchildren yet, but the 0:03:42.720 --> 0:03:46.600 three of us have grandchildren, and that's something also that 0:03:47.840 --> 0:03:51.160 how I imagine being a grandmother and the grandparenting, how that 0:03:51.280 --> 0:03:53.480 was going to be all the things who were going 0:03:53.520 --> 0:03:54.440 to do as a family. 0:03:54.560 --> 0:03:56.640 And I love the fact that you said you take 0:03:56.760 --> 0:04:01.760 the time to appreciate the moment, the saying the smell 0:04:01.840 --> 0:04:05.600 the roses, right, do the coffee, because we didn't have time. 0:04:06.080 --> 0:04:09.320 We didn't The biggest change that I saw in myself, 0:04:09.680 --> 0:04:12.360 I've always been a giver, a provider, take care of 0:04:12.400 --> 0:04:15.640 the kids, if I mean, now it's about me, and 0:04:15.800 --> 0:04:19.799 it feels amazing because it's time for me. I still 0:04:19.800 --> 0:04:23.839 would do for people, but taking that moment, like you said, 0:04:23.920 --> 0:04:27.120 and sitting there and just watching nature like today out 0:04:27.160 --> 0:04:29.400 on the lake. Yeah, we were on that boat and 0:04:29.880 --> 0:04:32.080 we were taking it all in and we all had 0:04:32.120 --> 0:04:37.160 a moment just by ourselves, just looking thinking how blessed 0:04:37.200 --> 0:04:37.600 are we? 0:04:38.040 --> 0:04:42.160 Yeah, I think Cindy, your kids when you got divorced. 0:04:42.240 --> 0:04:45.280 I'm not sure how old your kids were. But your 0:04:45.720 --> 0:04:50.000 chapter two again is you're you're not quite as far 0:04:50.040 --> 0:04:51.960 along as we are, only because you know. 0:04:52.080 --> 0:04:58.160 I'm seven years, seven years into that chapter two. 0:04:58.560 --> 0:04:59.320 The part of it is. 0:04:59.279 --> 0:05:02.240 COVID so erased a couple of them, because those don't 0:05:02.240 --> 0:05:05.679 account for anybody. But no, I knew that my marriage 0:05:05.760 --> 0:05:08.920 was over three years before I filed, So it's really 0:05:08.920 --> 0:05:09.880 been a decade for me. 0:05:10.000 --> 0:05:10.800 And I waited. 0:05:11.320 --> 0:05:13.040 I wanted to wait till all my kids were out 0:05:13.040 --> 0:05:16.080 of the house. They're they're really close in age. And 0:05:16.560 --> 0:05:19.880 my therapist actually said, why would you wait until your 0:05:20.120 --> 0:05:23.360 daughter goes to college where she knows nobody, she has 0:05:23.520 --> 0:05:27.400 no support system, and then make this change in her life. 0:05:27.520 --> 0:05:30.640 So he really encouraged me to do it earlier than 0:05:30.720 --> 0:05:31.479 I was thinking. 0:05:31.960 --> 0:05:34.680 Is there anything that you could say you appreciate more 0:05:34.839 --> 0:05:36.480 now than you did in your marriage. 0:05:37.320 --> 0:05:39.040 Oh, that's such a deep question. 0:05:43.720 --> 0:05:45.880 The relationship that I had with my girls was so 0:05:46.160 --> 0:05:48.560 different after I filed. There was a lot of blame 0:05:48.600 --> 0:05:52.120 that came back to me that you know, I was 0:05:52.440 --> 0:05:55.599 kind of surprised that they go through but I did. 0:05:55.760 --> 0:05:57.240 I did nothing except file. 0:05:59.160 --> 0:06:02.039 But but see, that's that's what I'm saying is when 0:06:02.080 --> 0:06:08.080 we were all married, yeah, our life, we had made 0:06:08.240 --> 0:06:11.479 our lives taking care of our children, our husbands. Even 0:06:11.480 --> 0:06:14.920 if you worked outside the home, it fell to us. 0:06:15.160 --> 0:06:19.360 And so so when you get divorced, you're right, or 0:06:19.839 --> 0:06:23.920 you lose a spouse. Our children look at us differently. 0:06:24.920 --> 0:06:26.000 They look at their. 0:06:26.320 --> 0:06:28.719 The blame game too, I'm sure. Yeah, for sure like, 0:06:28.839 --> 0:06:32.960 especially in your case, your kids probably had moments because 0:06:33.680 --> 0:06:36.920 they're trying to figure out the divorce, the blame game. 0:06:37.800 --> 0:06:40.640 Your husband was sick, so that's totally different. 0:06:40.360 --> 0:06:44.400 Right, But don't you think when when you're married and 0:06:44.440 --> 0:06:48.320 then all of a sudden, for most of us, our 0:06:48.440 --> 0:06:51.559 children didn't need us in the same way. 0:06:51.960 --> 0:06:55.160 So we were ripe for change, if you will. 0:06:56.120 --> 0:06:58.960 The things that we had done didn't need to We 0:06:58.960 --> 0:07:00.679 weren't girls scout lead anymore. 0:07:00.720 --> 0:07:01.920 We weren't room mothers. 0:07:02.480 --> 0:07:05.840 Our kids pretty much were finishing college, you know, they 0:07:05.880 --> 0:07:08.680 were getting ready to launch their own lives. And for 0:07:08.760 --> 0:07:12.640 I will be honest, for me, that was scary to 0:07:13.320 --> 0:07:17.800 start it so suddenly and realize that, for example, I 0:07:17.840 --> 0:07:21.640 could lie in bed and read a book, where before 0:07:21.920 --> 0:07:25.320 I love to read, but before I would seal minutes 0:07:25.320 --> 0:07:27.800 I would feel guilty because you know, I really should 0:07:27.800 --> 0:07:30.000 be doing this for my husband, running that era and 0:07:30.040 --> 0:07:33.000 doing this. And now all of a sudden, I can 0:07:33.080 --> 0:07:34.200 lay in bed and read for. 0:07:34.160 --> 0:07:36.960 Two because you're not raising kids anymore, they were done, 0:07:36.960 --> 0:07:38.760 and I also don't have a spouse. 0:07:39.960 --> 0:07:43.760 So for me, that the change of as you said, Susan, 0:07:43.800 --> 0:07:48.200 being able to focus on yourself I had a lot 0:07:48.240 --> 0:07:53.240 of guilt. I'm not supposed to be doing this initially, 0:07:53.520 --> 0:07:55.760 I'm not supposed to be lying in bed at ten 0:07:55.800 --> 0:07:57.320 in the morning and reading a book with a cup 0:07:57.320 --> 0:07:57.960 of coffee. 0:07:58.240 --> 0:08:00.760 It was hard for me. Maybe why did you feel 0:08:00.760 --> 0:08:01.200 that way? 0:08:01.600 --> 0:08:03.800 I feel the same way because I don't feel that way. 0:08:04.520 --> 0:08:07.160 I'm feel guilty. I don't know. 0:08:07.240 --> 0:08:09.120 I feel like I should be doing something. Like all 0:08:09.120 --> 0:08:11.440 my kids live close to me, and they know. Three 0:08:11.440 --> 0:08:13.760 of my four kids have a grand someone live with me. 0:08:14.120 --> 0:08:16.480 Three of my kids have, you know, children, So I 0:08:16.480 --> 0:08:18.280 feel like they're so busy and I should be helping them, 0:08:18.320 --> 0:08:20.520 like I. You know, there's this idea of as you 0:08:20.560 --> 0:08:23.040 get older, and like I think we are the first 0:08:23.080 --> 0:08:25.480 generation that's kind of bucking this idea because our parents 0:08:25.480 --> 0:08:28.080 brought into it, brought into it that we're supposed to 0:08:28.160 --> 0:08:31.160 be like the supporting role now as you get older 0:08:31.200 --> 0:08:33.839 and our careers are less important, that we should now 0:08:33.880 --> 0:08:36.559 be lending our time to our kids. 0:08:36.800 --> 0:08:38.680 I still have that mindset. 0:08:38.240 --> 0:08:40.719 Even though it's not true. I don't think that our 0:08:40.800 --> 0:08:44.400 generation is buying into that. We're working for longer financially, 0:08:44.440 --> 0:08:47.160 A lot of people have to we are living bigger 0:08:47.200 --> 0:08:50.840 lives because we are healthier. So I don't think that 0:08:50.880 --> 0:08:53.640 we have to buy into that mindset, but I think 0:08:53.640 --> 0:08:55.840 it's in my head already because it's what my parents 0:08:55.840 --> 0:08:57.960 did and we are. We are the generation is going 0:08:58.040 --> 0:09:00.200 to break that. Our kids probably won't feel like I 0:09:00.240 --> 0:09:01.559 do or like you do now, but. 0:09:02.320 --> 0:09:05.200 I know they're nothing like us. Yeah. 0:09:05.240 --> 0:09:07.559 I heard something you said recently that I was really 0:09:07.559 --> 0:09:08.280 impacted by. 0:09:08.360 --> 0:09:08.600 Joan. 0:09:09.000 --> 0:09:12.320 You said that as your kids get older, your role 0:09:12.360 --> 0:09:15.079 in their life diminishes, and so we almost have to 0:09:15.120 --> 0:09:17.760 step into our lives we do so that we are 0:09:17.800 --> 0:09:20.920 not you. I think you said burden, and I know 0:09:21.000 --> 0:09:23.840 that it means different things, but I loved what you 0:09:23.920 --> 0:09:26.520 said because it for my kids. Even if I go 0:09:26.600 --> 0:09:28.640 to visit one of my daughters who lives out of 0:09:28.679 --> 0:09:31.520 town and I'm there for a week, Yeah, I mean, 0:09:31.559 --> 0:09:33.360 they would never tell me, but it is kind of 0:09:33.400 --> 0:09:35.120 a burden I disrupt your schedule. 0:09:35.200 --> 0:09:36.800 Then you're right, I know. 0:09:37.280 --> 0:09:39.679 Well I did say and I said that statement when 0:09:40.640 --> 0:09:43.480 my kids were not thrilled that I was going on 0:09:43.600 --> 0:09:46.880 the Golden Bachelor, and they kind of bucked me a 0:09:46.920 --> 0:09:48.439 little bit. Two of them were okay, two of them 0:09:48.440 --> 0:09:49.480 are like, why are you doing this. 0:09:49.480 --> 0:09:49.959 This is stupid. 0:09:50.000 --> 0:09:52.680 And I said, you don't understand what's going to happen 0:09:52.800 --> 0:09:55.200 in the next like five or ten years. I said, 0:09:55.280 --> 0:09:57.120 your lives are going to become bigger. You're going to 0:09:57.240 --> 0:09:59.360 you know you my kids have all gotten married in 0:09:59.360 --> 0:10:02.480 the last life five years and there, I said, And 0:10:02.520 --> 0:10:05.000 you're gonna have kids, and you're gonna have a different 0:10:05.040 --> 0:10:07.320 friend group, and you're gonna be going on vacations with 0:10:07.520 --> 0:10:09.680 these other friends. You're gonna have neighbors, you're gonna have 0:10:09.880 --> 0:10:12.839 your You're a group of people is growing. Your world 0:10:12.880 --> 0:10:16.000 is getting bigger. I said, mine will diminish. I said, 0:10:16.080 --> 0:10:17.760 and you guys are going to think that I'm a 0:10:17.760 --> 0:10:19.959 burden on you. You're gonna be like, who's you know, We're 0:10:19.960 --> 0:10:21.640 gonna go on vacation, Who's taking mom? 0:10:21.760 --> 0:10:22.880 Who's going to see moms? 0:10:24.160 --> 0:10:26.600 Like did you have to last time you had mom 0:10:26.640 --> 0:10:28.800 over for dinner or whatever. I go, I'm doing you 0:10:28.800 --> 0:10:31.480 a favor. I am finding I'm making life for myself, 0:10:31.640 --> 0:10:33.840 so I'm not a burden on you. Now you don't 0:10:33.840 --> 0:10:34.760 get it yet, but I do. 0:10:34.800 --> 0:10:35.400 I know it's wrong. 0:10:35.480 --> 0:10:37.840 I think that's something all four of us have in common, 0:10:37.960 --> 0:10:40.160 even though some of you are divorced. 0:10:40.200 --> 0:10:41.319 Some of us are widows. 0:10:42.520 --> 0:10:45.839 If I have said it so many times, when when 0:10:45.880 --> 0:10:48.439 you have a sudden when one has a very sudden, 0:10:48.920 --> 0:10:51.640 dramatic change in their life, loss of the spouse, divorced, 0:10:51.640 --> 0:10:55.200 however it happens, you really have to reimagine your life. 0:10:55.280 --> 0:10:59.920 And we are lucky, I think, because I didn't realize 0:11:00.040 --> 0:11:03.120 at the time, you know, I when my husband died, 0:11:03.240 --> 0:11:07.520 I remember, I still do. I spent so much time walking. 0:11:08.120 --> 0:11:10.600 I was at peace when I was walking and looking, 0:11:10.679 --> 0:11:12.199 which sounds crazy, but it just. 0:11:14.120 --> 0:11:16.680 It wasn't having a long time. It was looking. 0:11:16.360 --> 0:11:19.600 Out and and and sort of talking to God and 0:11:19.600 --> 0:11:22.480 looking at trees and birds and things that I'd never 0:11:22.520 --> 0:11:25.520 done before. But you know, for me, the biggest, the 0:11:25.559 --> 0:11:28.840 biggest way that I've moved into this chapter two is 0:11:28.920 --> 0:11:33.240 going on the Golden Bachelor. And and we we they 0:11:33.520 --> 0:11:37.000 gave us that gift. Even though you know, it didn't 0:11:37.040 --> 0:11:39.440 work for all of us the way maybe we wanted it. 0:11:39.360 --> 0:11:42.680 To, there was so much more. We got so much more. 0:11:42.800 --> 0:11:45.440 And for us, I have friends now who are going 0:11:45.480 --> 0:11:49.680 through divorces and they are so lost, and I realized 0:11:49.720 --> 0:11:51.520 that in some ways do it. 0:11:51.559 --> 0:11:53.560 It's crazy to think of it, but doing. 0:11:53.320 --> 0:11:56.920 A show like The Bachelor helped anchor my life and 0:11:57.080 --> 0:11:58.200 helped me move forward. 0:11:58.520 --> 0:12:01.640 It's definitely a statement of avery, like to put yourself 0:12:01.679 --> 0:12:03.440 out there on the show the way that we did 0:12:04.040 --> 0:12:06.320 was I think, out of all of our comfort zones. 0:12:06.320 --> 0:12:07.960 But to be able to stand in our life and 0:12:07.960 --> 0:12:10.040 to say, listen, I'm proud of who I am, where 0:12:10.040 --> 0:12:12.600 I am, and I'm going to go give this a try. 0:12:12.720 --> 0:12:14.200 Why not, let's just go give this a try. It 0:12:14.240 --> 0:12:16.920 was a very brave thing for each and everyone. 0:12:17.559 --> 0:12:19.560 Has it evolved, and I know for us when we 0:12:19.559 --> 0:12:22.240 were when we started filming and we started meeting each other, 0:12:22.720 --> 0:12:25.360 I think we came to know that obviously all of 0:12:25.440 --> 0:12:27.600 us were not going to find love, but we found 0:12:27.720 --> 0:12:31.000 a community. And then we were the example to everybody 0:12:31.000 --> 0:12:33.400 else out there watching the show that if you create 0:12:33.400 --> 0:12:35.959 a community, you can find so much happiness in it. 0:12:36.440 --> 0:12:38.200 The biggest gift we got from this, I mean we 0:12:38.280 --> 0:12:40.319 all got, you know, a community like here we are, 0:12:40.400 --> 0:12:42.040 the four of us are here together, like. 0:12:42.040 --> 0:12:42.680 I have a lot of. 0:12:44.400 --> 0:12:48.280 Couples when you get divorced. I've heard so many of 0:12:48.320 --> 0:12:50.200 my friends say I've lost my friend group. 0:12:50.280 --> 0:12:53.480 Oh yeah, A couple. We know that, and we have 0:12:53.600 --> 0:12:58.400 gained That's what I'm saying. We have gained this great community. 0:12:57.920 --> 0:13:01.240 And people who are probably more like us than people 0:13:01.280 --> 0:13:03.600 who might be in relationship or maybe those couples. I know, 0:13:03.640 --> 0:13:05.360 for me, a lot of the friends that I had 0:13:05.400 --> 0:13:08.480 were proximity friends. You know, I might have collected them 0:13:08.480 --> 0:13:10.920 over time from sitting in the bleachers or being at 0:13:10.920 --> 0:13:14.679 the sideline of the soccer. Now I'm looking for alignment 0:13:14.800 --> 0:13:18.280 like we and fun. And I may not love every 0:13:18.320 --> 0:13:20.559 bit of I mean, I love every bit of everyone, 0:13:20.640 --> 0:13:22.000 but you know, you just kind of know what people 0:13:22.040 --> 0:13:24.440 are and there's no judgment. Let's just you know, but 0:13:24.520 --> 0:13:26.160 you can rebuild what that looks. 0:13:25.960 --> 0:13:36.960 Like all of you. 0:13:37.080 --> 0:13:40.040 Is there anything as you were going through heartbreak and 0:13:40.200 --> 0:13:45.920 divorces also have heartbreak, anything that you would tell somebody 0:13:45.960 --> 0:13:51.360 going through a divorce surprisingly that helped you. Is there 0:13:51.400 --> 0:13:53.080 any one thing you can think. 0:13:52.880 --> 0:13:56.000 Of, like I think all of us because we all 0:13:56.000 --> 0:13:59.199 had kids and you had this need to be strong 0:13:59.400 --> 0:14:02.720 and to not implode and not take a day off 0:14:02.760 --> 0:14:05.480 and just keep moving forward. I got a function. I 0:14:05.520 --> 0:14:07.040 got to make sure they're okay. I got to make 0:14:07.040 --> 0:14:08.640 sure I'm a good example to them that we can 0:14:08.679 --> 0:14:11.000 do this, and that we can't just like crawl into 0:14:11.000 --> 0:14:13.920 a hole, but every once in a while, let yourself 0:14:13.920 --> 0:14:16.079 call it in the hole, like to go upstairs. And 0:14:16.400 --> 0:14:18.920 this is what I did about maybe once a month, 0:14:19.240 --> 0:14:21.880 and it got less and less. I do it less 0:14:21.880 --> 0:14:23.800 and less. I still have every well, I have a 0:14:23.840 --> 0:14:27.200 moment that I need to go and hibernate. But allow 0:14:27.280 --> 0:14:29.840 yourself just to feel the grief, feel the gad, feel 0:14:29.840 --> 0:14:31.840 the greef, and you don't have to be strong. And 0:14:31.840 --> 0:14:34.640 I would kind of say that to them, they be like, Oh, Mom, 0:14:34.720 --> 0:14:36.640 isn't answering your phone? I could see the text messages 0:14:37.000 --> 0:14:38.120 A mom doesn't answer your phone? 0:14:38.120 --> 0:14:38.680 Mom, what are you doing? 0:14:38.720 --> 0:14:41.080 Why aren't chanswering your phone? We're trying to call you. 0:14:41.280 --> 0:14:44.080 Are you upstairs? Oh no, are you having one of 0:14:44.080 --> 0:14:45.800 your days? I'm like, yeah, maybe when my days leave 0:14:45.840 --> 0:14:48.359 me alone, but that I need it. 0:14:48.480 --> 0:14:50.960 Sometimes you're gonna either feel it now or feel it later, 0:14:51.080 --> 0:14:53.119 So go ahead and allow you feeling. 0:14:54.640 --> 0:14:57.400 If I said this, and you have to walk through 0:14:57.440 --> 0:15:00.000 the grief to get to the other side. 0:14:59.760 --> 0:15:02.600 And we couldn't have gotten here without going. 0:15:03.560 --> 0:15:09.040 Yeah, to get But I also think that I think 0:15:09.280 --> 0:15:13.520 sometimes we think about how do I get through it, 0:15:13.760 --> 0:15:18.480 like survive today when I've got some friends going through 0:15:18.480 --> 0:15:22.000 divorce right now, and I'm trying to encourage them to 0:15:22.160 --> 0:15:26.760 try things they've never done. Literally, I was one of 0:15:26.800 --> 0:15:28.840 my friends is going through divorce, and I said to her, 0:15:29.840 --> 0:15:32.840 why don't you take They were all physical activities. Why 0:15:32.840 --> 0:15:35.400 don't you take up golf? Why don't you take a 0:15:35.480 --> 0:15:38.000 wine class? Do we have this wine place in my neighbor? 0:15:38.080 --> 0:15:41.640 I said, they take a wine, learn about do something, 0:15:41.720 --> 0:15:46.200 you know, cry, feel, allow yourself to feel the feelings. 0:15:46.720 --> 0:15:50.240 But there's no time like the present to start building 0:15:50.280 --> 0:15:50.840 your future. 0:15:50.920 --> 0:15:51.560 And it's funny. 0:15:51.560 --> 0:15:53.640 I have you girls sitting with me, and it's very 0:15:53.680 --> 0:15:56.440 easy for me to help somebody going through a divorce. 0:15:56.480 --> 0:15:58.960 But when it's your daughter, you know, and I feel 0:15:59.000 --> 0:16:00.000 like I want to cry right now. 0:16:00.640 --> 0:16:04.120 My daughter calls us seven o'clock this morning. You can't 0:16:04.120 --> 0:16:06.680 say the same things to your daughter. What do you 0:16:06.880 --> 0:16:10.920 what do you say well for your daughter? So it's 0:16:10.960 --> 0:16:14.440 okay to feel bad, it's okay to be angry. You're 0:16:14.480 --> 0:16:17.880 going to go through different phases. And my biggest word 0:16:18.000 --> 0:16:20.480 is time. But nobody wants to hear that. And we're 0:16:20.520 --> 0:16:25.120 going through it. And as she lay there and said, Mom, 0:16:25.320 --> 0:16:27.440 even though I hate him right now, but she was 0:16:27.520 --> 0:16:31.440 my best friend. I no longer have somebody next to 0:16:31.480 --> 0:16:33.960 me in bed that I could share my day with, 0:16:34.280 --> 0:16:37.640 or something that pissed me off during the day and 0:16:38.000 --> 0:16:39.400 get it out like I get it. 0:16:39.480 --> 0:16:42.440 But what words do you have for them? 0:16:42.720 --> 0:16:43.240 I love you? 0:16:43.560 --> 0:16:51.880 Yeah, you are a time go through all you are, Cindy. 0:16:52.160 --> 0:16:54.359 What you just said, you're a whole person. 0:16:54.120 --> 0:16:57.200 Without someone else. We spent so much of our time 0:16:57.840 --> 0:17:00.200 looking for the other person to come alongside of us. 0:17:00.240 --> 0:17:03.560 And I'll be darned, they're going to be the luckiest person. 0:17:03.960 --> 0:17:06.160 They're gonna be the luckiest. We have such a fun 0:17:06.240 --> 0:17:06.919 full life. 0:17:07.359 --> 0:17:08.439 We are whole. 0:17:08.920 --> 0:17:14.360 But they look at it like it's but you know. 0:17:14.280 --> 0:17:17.320 What, Susan one thing that you can't say to her now, 0:17:17.359 --> 0:17:20.359 but but maybe it'll bring you some comfort as she 0:17:20.600 --> 0:17:23.919 goes into her chapter two and you know she has 0:17:24.040 --> 0:17:29.560 children to raise and all that sometimes for me anyway, 0:17:30.119 --> 0:17:33.919 these horrible experiences that we've all been through and our 0:17:34.040 --> 0:17:40.840 children go through, that's what gets us the character, the strength, 0:17:41.280 --> 0:17:45.439 the braver that that's when our real character shines and 0:17:45.480 --> 0:17:49.520 we become stronger women. For those things, we learn things 0:17:49.560 --> 0:17:52.800 about ourselves that we wouldn't learn if we didn't have 0:17:52.880 --> 0:17:57.000 these really hard experiences to go through. So in my way, 0:17:57.160 --> 0:18:00.720 in my belief, sometimes I really believe for me this 0:18:00.840 --> 0:18:05.600 chapter two is a gift. It's a horrible way for 0:18:05.720 --> 0:18:08.840 me to have gotten here. And I hope for your 0:18:08.920 --> 0:18:12.560 daughter that she will get there and realize that it 0:18:12.600 --> 0:18:14.399 was a gift, because she's going to come out of 0:18:14.400 --> 0:18:15.000 it stronger. 0:18:15.240 --> 0:18:19.920 I gave my son. He had a really really bad 0:18:20.640 --> 0:18:23.440 jet ski accident and he like almost chopped his leg 0:18:23.480 --> 0:18:24.800 off and it broke his hip and his knee and 0:18:24.800 --> 0:18:28.080 all this. Anyway, well, he was recovering. He was really struggling, 0:18:28.160 --> 0:18:29.840 and I found a sign and I just put in 0:18:29.880 --> 0:18:32.359 his room and it said, smooth waters never make a 0:18:32.359 --> 0:18:33.080 skilled sailor. 0:18:33.520 --> 0:18:35.240 There, you're so true. 0:18:35.600 --> 0:18:37.960 You do not get these life skills without going through 0:18:37.960 --> 0:18:41.200 some sh and that's what life is like, what we 0:18:41.320 --> 0:18:44.360 learned from So like this is her. Perhaps she's become 0:18:44.520 --> 0:18:46.440 she'll become a skilled tailor. It's going to take some time. 0:18:46.720 --> 0:18:49.439 And for me, when I was going through heartbreak, what 0:18:49.640 --> 0:18:52.880 I think surprised that helped me is when I got 0:18:52.920 --> 0:18:56.119 to help somebody else and forgot about my own I 0:18:56.160 --> 0:18:59.159 wasn't dwelling in my own sorrow who they were. 0:19:01.320 --> 0:19:04.080 Unless selfish chapter, Your. 0:19:04.080 --> 0:19:07.840 Daughter is going to see you differently. She will look back, 0:19:09.840 --> 0:19:13.240 well what I feel, give an example that you will 0:19:13.240 --> 0:19:15.320 give her, and you already gave her. She will see 0:19:15.320 --> 0:19:18.040 what you went through as you dissolved your marriage and 0:19:18.119 --> 0:19:20.320 how strong you were and how you've rebuilt your life. 0:19:20.359 --> 0:19:23.200 So it's just such a sure it will be a beautiful. 0:19:22.720 --> 0:19:24.560 Bonding moment for the two of you as well. 0:19:24.680 --> 0:19:26.639 I also think that you know, we live in a 0:19:26.720 --> 0:19:30.320 world of couples, and to uncouple is really hard for 0:19:30.359 --> 0:19:33.399 her because she probably loses and we all did, and 0:19:33.440 --> 0:19:34.800 I know we all did because I've talked to you 0:19:34.840 --> 0:19:37.120 all about it. You lose your couple of friends because 0:19:37.200 --> 0:19:39.480 now you're a single and they don't invite you to things. 0:19:39.600 --> 0:19:42.200 The holes don't invite singles to things, especially if you're 0:19:42.200 --> 0:19:43.160 attractive women. 0:19:43.000 --> 0:19:44.640 Or they invite one and not the other. 0:19:44.840 --> 0:19:48.400 Yeah, yeah, so you're divided, and so I'm sure she's 0:19:48.440 --> 0:19:50.359 going to go through that. So, like my best advice 0:19:50.400 --> 0:19:52.960 to her would be find someone else going through a 0:19:53.000 --> 0:19:55.600 divorce and like laugh about it, cry about it. 0:19:55.680 --> 0:19:58.000