WEBVTT - We Might All Be Dead By Then with Chelsea + Catherine 0:00:00.840 --> 0:00:02.760 Hi Catherine, Hi Chelsea, how are you. 0:00:03.000 --> 0:00:06.439 Today's a solo episode, and we do solo episodes everybody 0:00:06.480 --> 0:00:08.760 so that we can take more callers. 0:00:08.920 --> 0:00:11.600 Yes, we just rock and roll right on threat we did. 0:00:11.680 --> 0:00:13.160 I mean the last time we did this, we took 0:00:13.200 --> 0:00:15.840 like six calls and there were one really long one, 0:00:15.920 --> 0:00:16.640 so that was good. 0:00:16.760 --> 0:00:19.400 We got a lot of fucking worked on. And do 0:00:19.680 --> 0:00:21.520 we really do for all of our patients. 0:00:21.600 --> 0:00:24.600 We're just like, you know, healing people, helping people get divorced. 0:00:25.800 --> 0:00:28.120 I have some updates from callers. 0:00:28.240 --> 0:00:29.840 Okay, I love this part. 0:00:30.200 --> 0:00:31.560 Okay, this is from Maggie. 0:00:31.640 --> 0:00:34.000 Maggie had written in way back in our Katie Kuric 0:00:34.080 --> 0:00:37.280 episode her husband has battled addiction, started an affair with 0:00:37.320 --> 0:00:39.920 a coworker, and she said it felt a lot like 0:00:39.960 --> 0:00:41.600 a relapse, so she was trying to let go of 0:00:41.640 --> 0:00:45.200 the marriage. Dear Chelsea, I wanted to update you since 0:00:45.240 --> 0:00:46.800 it's been a little over a year since I was 0:00:46.840 --> 0:00:48.880 on the show. I want to start by saying thank 0:00:48.920 --> 0:00:51.839 you to both you and Katie Kuric. The advice and 0:00:51.880 --> 0:00:54.160 book recommendations you gave me were a lifeline at a 0:00:54.200 --> 0:00:57.280 really dark time. Beyond that, the love you showed me 0:00:57.400 --> 0:00:58.640 was a true blessing. So thank you. 0:00:58.800 --> 0:01:01.360 Oh love it, Oh yeah love blah blah blah blah 0:01:01.400 --> 0:01:02.040 blah blah love. 0:01:02.720 --> 0:01:06.160 Since we spoke, I have officially divorced my cheating ex husband, 0:01:06.200 --> 0:01:08.160 and a weight has been lifted from my life. 0:01:08.319 --> 0:01:10.360 Nice look at you. 0:01:11.640 --> 0:01:14.320 My life shifted from worrying about him and his knees 0:01:14.400 --> 0:01:17.040 and his sobriety to worrying about me, myself and I 0:01:17.840 --> 0:01:20.840 and oh my god, life is amazing. I was so 0:01:21.000 --> 0:01:22.960 scared to do life on my own, but here I 0:01:23.000 --> 0:01:25.679 am doing it and loving it. After moving on from 0:01:25.680 --> 0:01:27.680 my ex, I entered the dating scene for the first 0:01:27.680 --> 0:01:30.360 time as a fully formed adult, and while it's often 0:01:30.400 --> 0:01:33.360 a shit show, I've had some great experiences. In the 0:01:33.400 --> 0:01:33.960 past year. 0:01:34.040 --> 0:01:36.240 I've had the best sex in my life, had more 0:01:36.280 --> 0:01:38.640 time to focus on the things I love, poured more 0:01:38.680 --> 0:01:41.240 of my energy into my friendships, and devoted myself to 0:01:41.280 --> 0:01:43.560 building a life that I adore. I have a much 0:01:43.560 --> 0:01:45.760 better sense of self worth and know that if and 0:01:45.800 --> 0:01:47.680 when I meet someone, they will only have a shot 0:01:47.720 --> 0:01:50.160 with me if they're on my level. I always thought 0:01:50.200 --> 0:01:51.960 i'd write in an update when I found my new 0:01:52.040 --> 0:01:54.840 happily ever after, and then it hit me today that 0:01:54.920 --> 0:01:58.760 I have my happily ever after is me thanks from 0:01:58.760 --> 0:02:01.480 the bottom of my heart, Maggie. No longer needing a 0:02:01.480 --> 0:02:04.120 pseudonym because that divorce is final. Wow. 0:02:04.760 --> 0:02:07.440 That could have been like the prologue for my new book. 0:02:07.600 --> 0:02:11.880 Ooh, I fucking love it right fucking right on exactly 0:02:11.919 --> 0:02:12.880 you and yourself. 0:02:13.040 --> 0:02:15.680 That is the love story between you and yourself. 0:02:15.919 --> 0:02:16.959 Yes, that's how I felt. 0:02:16.960 --> 0:02:18.960 In her Jane Fond episode when we chatted with her, 0:02:19.000 --> 0:02:21.120 it was like, you know, we talked about her previous 0:02:21.120 --> 0:02:22.840 loves in her life, and it just like seems like 0:02:22.880 --> 0:02:25.720 she's found herself in you know, this last decade of 0:02:25.720 --> 0:02:27.800 her life, and it's just so exciting to see women 0:02:27.880 --> 0:02:31.280 come into their own and be their own people. Yeah, 0:02:31.400 --> 0:02:34.639 it's fabulous. I have a half update and a half question. 0:02:34.800 --> 0:02:37.720 We always say people don't write in when they like 0:02:37.800 --> 0:02:40.440 didn't follow the advice, and this person follow the advice, 0:02:40.480 --> 0:02:43.600 but it, you know, sort of went little sideways like 0:02:43.680 --> 0:02:49.160 that backfired. Bella said, Dear Chelsea and Catherine. I don't 0:02:49.200 --> 0:02:51.400 know if you remember me, but I spoke with you 0:02:51.440 --> 0:02:53.680 and the office ladies about my breakup for the end 0:02:53.720 --> 0:02:56.040 of twenty twenty two. I had been together with my 0:02:56.120 --> 0:02:58.640 AX for two years, and we were friends before that, 0:02:58.720 --> 0:03:00.520 and I had wanted to know about how to go 0:03:00.520 --> 0:03:02.640 about mending the friendship when we were ready. 0:03:03.240 --> 0:03:05.360 Well, it's been interesting. At first. 0:03:05.440 --> 0:03:07.320 The X and I would see each other around once 0:03:07.400 --> 0:03:10.240 or twice a month at friend gatherings and remain friendly 0:03:10.320 --> 0:03:13.120 but distant. After about six months, he offered to have 0:03:13.160 --> 0:03:16.520 coffee and reconnect, which I accepted. We had a cathartic 0:03:16.560 --> 0:03:19.040 conversation about our breakup, and then he wanted to hear 0:03:19.040 --> 0:03:21.560 about my dating life. I didn't really want to talk 0:03:21.560 --> 0:03:24.239 about it, but he was insistent, reassuring me he could 0:03:24.280 --> 0:03:27.240 handle it. He cried and confessed he hasn't dated at 0:03:27.280 --> 0:03:28.760 all and it's all still too soon. 0:03:29.400 --> 0:03:30.480 This little coffee date. 0:03:30.400 --> 0:03:33.119 Changed the nature of our dynamic moving forward. At hangouts 0:03:33.120 --> 0:03:36.119 and parties, he became more flirty and was always trying 0:03:36.120 --> 0:03:38.320 to catch my eye, and my friends would try to buffer. 0:03:38.840 --> 0:03:40.880 I started to get tired of the casual dating scene 0:03:40.920 --> 0:03:42.960 and began entertaining getting back with him. 0:03:43.160 --> 0:03:44.160 I should have written you then. 0:03:44.840 --> 0:03:47.000 To make a long story short, in June we kiss 0:03:47.040 --> 0:03:49.000 at a party and within a month we agreed to 0:03:49.040 --> 0:03:51.280 try things out again. Now I can't help, but think 0:03:51.320 --> 0:03:53.600 it was a big mistake. We go on dates, and 0:03:53.640 --> 0:03:55.840 when I'm with him, I really enjoy his company, But 0:03:55.880 --> 0:03:58.200 when we're not together, I barely think about him or 0:03:58.200 --> 0:04:00.840 try to communicate. I can't tell if I'm being emotionally 0:04:00.840 --> 0:04:02.920 avoidant or if I don't like him as much anymore. 0:04:02.920 --> 0:04:04.880 And maybe I was chasing a feeling I missed, not 0:04:04.960 --> 0:04:07.800 a person. My twenty three year old brain is so 0:04:07.880 --> 0:04:10.280 mad at itself. This isn't a great update, but an 0:04:10.280 --> 0:04:12.640 honest and messy one. Please tell me you've been through 0:04:12.680 --> 0:04:15.040 this before. I feel so guilty and unsure what to do. 0:04:15.160 --> 0:04:16.680 Now Do I stick it out and try to see 0:04:16.720 --> 0:04:19.240 if I change my mind or say goodbye sooner rather 0:04:19.279 --> 0:04:19.720 than later? 0:04:19.839 --> 0:04:21.440 Bella, what's the problem? 0:04:21.560 --> 0:04:23.160 She was like trying to be friends with her ex, 0:04:23.200 --> 0:04:24.840 and we were like, give them some space, and they 0:04:24.839 --> 0:04:26.800 have like the same friend groups, so they're gonna run. 0:04:26.680 --> 0:04:30.360 Into each other. Yeah, I think you're not that into 0:04:30.440 --> 0:04:31.040 him anymore. 0:04:31.200 --> 0:04:32.480 I don't. It doesn't sound like it. 0:04:32.520 --> 0:04:34.400 If you're not thinking about them when you're not with them, 0:04:34.440 --> 0:04:35.480 that's all you need to know. 0:04:35.920 --> 0:04:36.400 Yeah. 0:04:36.560 --> 0:04:38.360 Yeah, And I also think you don't need to beat 0:04:38.360 --> 0:04:39.720 yourself up about kissing him. 0:04:39.760 --> 0:04:43.520 When you like someone, that's all you think about, ding 0:04:43.640 --> 0:04:44.000 ding ding. 0:04:44.680 --> 0:04:46.560 Right, So yeah, move on. 0:04:46.880 --> 0:04:50.040 Yeah, okay, good job, Bella. And you're twenty three, it's 0:04:50.040 --> 0:04:53.159 okay to like kiss. Oh yeah, don't beat yourself up either, Bella. 0:04:53.279 --> 0:04:54.840 That is annoying. Don't do that. 0:04:55.200 --> 0:04:57.599 Yeah, you're twenty three years old and you're a human being. 0:04:57.760 --> 0:05:00.560 Everyone fucks up and it's not even a fuck up, 0:05:00.600 --> 0:05:06.320 it's just yeah, recidivism. 0:05:06.640 --> 0:05:09.360 Speaking of vercidivism, Brad. I started watching this show, Brad, 0:05:09.400 --> 0:05:10.000 what is it called? 0:05:10.160 --> 0:05:15.880 And god oj died? God serious speak, Brad. 0:05:15.880 --> 0:05:19.280 What's that show called about the jail that's trying this experiment? 0:05:19.600 --> 0:05:21.159 I think it's called a jail experiment? 0:05:23.600 --> 0:05:24.479 Whoopsie did at all? 0:05:24.640 --> 0:05:25.400 It's on Netflix. 0:05:25.440 --> 0:05:28.600 There's a prison in like Kansas or something, and they 0:05:28.760 --> 0:05:32.760 are trying like a European model of while they're still incarcerated. 0:05:32.880 --> 0:05:35.440 They like open all the doors and there's no guards 0:05:35.480 --> 0:05:38.359 inside the actual cell block and they can just like 0:05:38.400 --> 0:05:39.800 come and go and they have to form their own 0:05:39.839 --> 0:05:41.080 community within the jail. 0:05:41.120 --> 0:05:41.839 It's pretty interesting. 0:05:41.920 --> 0:05:43.560 Oh and does that how does that working out? 0:05:43.760 --> 0:05:46.360 I've only seen episode three, so, but I mean. 0:05:46.279 --> 0:05:48.359 It seems to be like nobody's killing each other. It 0:05:48.360 --> 0:05:49.480 seems to be working out. 0:05:49.720 --> 0:05:52.640 Yeah, give it time though, because although the guards probably 0:05:52.640 --> 0:05:55.000 cause half of that distress, leave them alone and treat 0:05:55.040 --> 0:05:56.320 them like human beings, maybe. 0:05:56.160 --> 0:05:58.719 They'll completely Like they were being kept in their cells 0:05:58.720 --> 0:05:59.920 for like twenty three hours a day, I'm like that, 0:06:00.000 --> 0:06:01.440 it's basically a solitary confinement. 0:06:01.520 --> 0:06:03.880 Anyone would go crazy and be horrible in that situation. 0:06:04.560 --> 0:06:07.280 So I don't know. I'm really interested to see what happens. 0:06:07.120 --> 0:06:09.080 Because like in Norway and stuff, they just like they 0:06:09.080 --> 0:06:11.520 don't have any walls or locks or anything. 0:06:11.520 --> 0:06:14.360 Everyone could just leave if they want, but they're not supposed. 0:06:14.000 --> 0:06:15.280 To in prison. 0:06:15.320 --> 0:06:22.240 In prison really oh yeah, it's completely It's like they're 0:06:22.279 --> 0:06:22.960 out in the field. 0:06:22.960 --> 0:06:25.080 They've got places where they live and they're not supposed 0:06:25.080 --> 0:06:26.480 to go anywhere, but there's no walls. 0:06:26.560 --> 0:06:30.120 It's I don't know, things are working in some different places. 0:06:31.279 --> 0:06:34.320 Show is called Unlocked a jail experiment to jail experiment. 0:06:34.480 --> 0:06:40.120 Well, I was closed, Yes, Chelsea, Yes, I'm Chelsea. 0:06:40.200 --> 0:06:43.360 Who are you? And Catherine? You're Catherine and I'm Chelsea. 0:06:43.600 --> 0:06:45.240 I am so Catherine. 0:06:45.279 --> 0:06:47.080 What do we want people to write in about this week? 0:06:47.360 --> 0:06:51.479 I mean STDs? Oh yeah, making a comeback STDs. 0:06:51.480 --> 0:06:52.279 They're having a moment. 0:06:52.360 --> 0:06:54.560 Yeah, because people have been talking about it a lot lately. 0:06:54.600 --> 0:06:55.919 I'm like, it's something going around and. 0:06:58.640 --> 0:07:01.320 Well, right in to us about your STD questions. 0:07:01.800 --> 0:07:02.560 Yes, please do. 0:07:02.760 --> 0:07:04.719 Yeah, we can always have an expert on who who 0:07:04.760 --> 0:07:05.560 we can deal. 0:07:05.400 --> 0:07:07.799 With, a gynecological expert like my father. 0:07:08.360 --> 0:07:10.760 Yeah, and write in about your gynecological stuff too. 0:07:11.000 --> 0:07:12.560 Or write in about your massages. 0:07:12.600 --> 0:07:14.800 Because I had a questionable massage the other day and 0:07:14.840 --> 0:07:18.440 he floated past my pikachu a couple times. I had 0:07:18.480 --> 0:07:20.640 panties on, I had full panty protection. I actually put 0:07:20.640 --> 0:07:24.520 a full panty on for double protection, and I was 0:07:24.720 --> 0:07:28.640 and he swept my coslap this area twice, but he 0:07:28.760 --> 0:07:32.600 touched my vagina in between my legs and then he 0:07:32.640 --> 0:07:35.280 did it again and I and then I was like, oh, 0:07:35.320 --> 0:07:37.080 I'm going to have to say stop thing. 0:07:37.280 --> 0:07:39.080 And then he didn't do it again. 0:07:39.240 --> 0:07:42.320 But I was about to say sir, like I couldn't 0:07:42.320 --> 0:07:44.880 believe I had to say something. Yeah, I stopped sweeping 0:07:44.960 --> 0:07:47.360 my vagina. Had he been different looking, I would have 0:07:47.360 --> 0:07:49.640 been more open to the sweeping of the vagina, but 0:07:49.720 --> 0:07:50.680 that was not my type. 0:07:50.760 --> 0:07:52.400 Were you saying you have friends or one of your 0:07:52.400 --> 0:07:54.440 friends was telling us that there's someone out in Beverly 0:07:54.520 --> 0:07:55.200 Hills who's like. 0:07:55.520 --> 0:07:58.120 The guy the people go to to get out an orgasm. 0:07:58.360 --> 0:07:59.480 I guess, oh, I don't remember that. 0:07:59.640 --> 0:08:02.240 No, maybe those from a different Yes, maybe. 0:08:02.200 --> 0:08:04.480 Sounds like it. Catherine's been moonlighting. 0:08:06.080 --> 0:08:08.680 I'm great at massages, Chelsea. Should we take a break 0:08:08.720 --> 0:08:09.440 and get to some callers. 0:08:09.560 --> 0:08:11.200 Yes, let's take a break and we'll be right back. 0:08:15.320 --> 0:08:18.480 And we're back. This is a caller Bonanza episode. 0:08:18.160 --> 0:08:20.520 Truly, So this one actually is just an email. 0:08:20.640 --> 0:08:26.840 So oh okay, Stephanie says, Dear Chelsea, I'm a forty 0:08:26.880 --> 0:08:29.320 six year old mother of three who recently joined a gym. 0:08:29.760 --> 0:08:32.160 Although I'm making some physical gains at the gym, these 0:08:32.200 --> 0:08:34.880 gains are overshadowed by a dip in my self confidence. 0:08:35.320 --> 0:08:38.160 My male instructor has taken two screaming at me when 0:08:38.200 --> 0:08:40.840 my form is off or I'm making a small error. 0:08:40.880 --> 0:08:42.960 There's a constant correction to the point where I leave 0:08:43.000 --> 0:08:46.120 there feeling happy I completed the workout, but defeated for 0:08:46.240 --> 0:08:47.079 letting him scream at me. 0:08:47.520 --> 0:08:50.120 Sit strangers loo off? Do you I mean, do you 0:08:50.160 --> 0:08:51.880 fuck with this this boot camp stuff? 0:08:51.960 --> 0:08:52.920 No? No, I don't do that. 0:08:53.040 --> 0:08:53.960 No, that's no, thank you. 0:08:54.679 --> 0:08:57.440 I'm also conscious of my upbringing that included lots of 0:08:57.440 --> 0:09:00.480 screaming and that others, mostly women in the room, may 0:09:00.480 --> 0:09:02.520 be triggered by that approach. Is there a way to 0:09:02.559 --> 0:09:04.360 let him know this approach is not working for me 0:09:04.440 --> 0:09:06.640 and still retain a good relationship and work on my 0:09:06.679 --> 0:09:09.080 fitness goals. Should I speak to him in person? Or 0:09:09.080 --> 0:09:11.200 can I send him a well crafted email? I don't 0:09:11.200 --> 0:09:13.000 want to quit, but I also don't want this dynamic 0:09:13.080 --> 0:09:15.240 to continue. Help me find my inner strength so I 0:09:15.240 --> 0:09:17.040 can continue to work on the outside. 0:09:17.160 --> 0:09:18.840 Well, can't you just go to a different class? 0:09:19.040 --> 0:09:20.960 Yeah, I think it's like a like a one on one, 0:09:21.200 --> 0:09:23.079 But yeah, I would say change instructor. 0:09:23.280 --> 0:09:26.800 Absolutely, just change instructors. You don't have to owe him anything. 0:09:26.840 --> 0:09:28.880 Just go this This style isn't working for me. You 0:09:28.880 --> 0:09:31.720 don't even have to explain yourself unless it's like the 0:09:31.840 --> 0:09:34.560 trainer that the gym provides you, in which case you 0:09:34.600 --> 0:09:35.480 can still change. 0:09:35.679 --> 0:09:37.600 Yeah, trainer more than one and. 0:09:37.600 --> 0:09:40.640 For some reason, if you can't change trainers, absolutely say 0:09:41.000 --> 0:09:43.600 in person, Listen, the screaming and nailing doesn't work for me. 0:09:43.679 --> 0:09:46.080 Like I'm actually trying to build my confidence, yeah, you know, 0:09:46.200 --> 0:09:48.439 not deplete it, and that to me is a trigger. 0:09:48.640 --> 0:09:50.800 And there's someone overseeing all these trainers, so like go 0:09:50.840 --> 0:09:52.439 to the manager be like, hey, I need to switch, 0:09:52.480 --> 0:09:53.120 Like this isn't. 0:09:53.000 --> 0:09:54.720 Yeah, it's not a big deal to switch trainers. 0:09:54.880 --> 0:09:56.640 Yeah, I'd be like, I want someone who is supportive 0:09:57.160 --> 0:09:57.800 or classes. 0:09:57.880 --> 0:09:59.920 It sounds like other women are in the class, right, 0:10:00.640 --> 0:10:03.600 I like classes classes. No, No, she's saying I don't know 0:10:03.600 --> 0:10:04.800 how the other women feel. 0:10:04.960 --> 0:10:06.959 I think she's saying, like the other women that are 0:10:06.960 --> 0:10:10.080 just around hearing. 0:10:09.120 --> 0:10:09.760 Which I get. 0:10:09.920 --> 0:10:11.559 Oh yeah that's a great thing to bring up too. 0:10:11.800 --> 0:10:14.080 Yeah, Like I would tell the manager like this doesn't 0:10:14.120 --> 0:10:15.720 work for me, and I do worry about other people 0:10:15.760 --> 0:10:17.800 like just hearing screaming in the background. 0:10:18.880 --> 0:10:19.400 But I don't know. 0:10:19.440 --> 0:10:20.960 I guess it does work for some people, because some 0:10:20.960 --> 0:10:22.280 people love those boot camp things. 0:10:22.360 --> 0:10:23.160 It's not my style. 0:10:23.559 --> 0:10:26.520 No, my personal trainer that I started working with, she 0:10:27.880 --> 0:10:30.959 has almost no personality. And I was talking to someone 0:10:31.000 --> 0:10:33.440 about it and I'm like, you know, she doesn't make conversation. 0:10:33.640 --> 0:10:35.320 I mean I worked with her for like six months 0:10:35.320 --> 0:10:36.599 before she even asked me like what I do for 0:10:36.640 --> 0:10:40.120 a living? Like the basics, right, and my friend was 0:10:40.160 --> 0:10:41.880 just like, maybe you don't want to have a conversation 0:10:41.920 --> 0:10:43.640 with your trainer, Like maybe you just want to like 0:10:43.679 --> 0:10:45.280 stand there in silence between your sets. 0:10:45.320 --> 0:10:47.720 And I was like, you know, maybe that's true. 0:10:47.760 --> 0:10:50.360 That's how I am with Ben Bruno. We barely speak 0:10:50.600 --> 0:10:51.440 really well. 0:10:51.559 --> 0:10:53.640 I mean we talk, but we have such a shorthand 0:10:53.640 --> 0:10:55.559 it's like, yes, I've done plenty of workouts where we 0:10:55.600 --> 0:10:56.040 haven't said a. 0:10:56.000 --> 0:10:57.880 Word to each other. I love that I do too. 0:10:58.200 --> 0:11:01.120 There's no pressure for me being like a Midwestern like 0:11:01.160 --> 0:11:02.360 people please are conversation. 0:11:02.480 --> 0:11:04.600 I think it's a good practice because it's good yeah, 0:11:04.600 --> 0:11:06.640 because sometimes people don't want to fucking talk. 0:11:06.800 --> 0:11:08.440 It's good to be able to pick up on that 0:11:08.520 --> 0:11:09.000 as well. 0:11:09.160 --> 0:11:11.040 First I was like kind of upset about it, and 0:11:11.040 --> 0:11:12.040 then I was like, no. 0:11:12.200 --> 0:11:14.240 I'm just gonna let this happen and work on your 0:11:14.280 --> 0:11:15.959 body and actually focus on what you're doing. 0:11:16.080 --> 0:11:18.120 Perfect and now a big round ass and I love it. 0:11:18.640 --> 0:11:22.000 Look at you, Chelsea. I have a couple of friends 0:11:22.040 --> 0:11:26.400 calling in. They are Chrissy and Melanie, and Chrissy's in 0:11:26.440 --> 0:11:30.480 her forties, Melanie's and her fifties. Dear Chelsea, I'm an 0:11:30.520 --> 0:11:32.800 avid listener who has always wanted to write in, but 0:11:32.880 --> 0:11:35.480 I have had a hard time narrowing down my laundry 0:11:35.480 --> 0:11:38.000 list of advice needed. When you said you were looking 0:11:38.040 --> 0:11:39.680 for a couple or friends to come on the show, 0:11:39.720 --> 0:11:42.319 I knew you were speaking to me. My best friend 0:11:42.320 --> 0:11:44.640 of thirteen years is like a sister to me. We're 0:11:44.679 --> 0:11:46.959 both single moms and we've gone through raising both of 0:11:47.000 --> 0:11:50.240 our kids and multiple men together. There is plenty we 0:11:50.280 --> 0:11:52.080 don't agree on, but our love for each other and 0:11:52.120 --> 0:11:54.320 place in each other's families has always been enough to 0:11:54.360 --> 0:11:57.840 overcome our differences. Here's the problem. My friend has been 0:11:57.920 --> 0:12:01.760 dating her on again, off again boyfriend for over five years. 0:12:01.880 --> 0:12:04.640 Very early in their relationship, he bought her an engagement 0:12:04.760 --> 0:12:06.880 ring that he has used as a carrot to hold 0:12:06.960 --> 0:12:09.040 over her head when the relationship starts to go off 0:12:09.040 --> 0:12:11.680 the rails, and there's plenty to set it off the rails. 0:12:12.200 --> 0:12:14.400 He does not get along with her eighteen year old daughter, 0:12:14.440 --> 0:12:16.800 who is also like a daughter to me. He's prone 0:12:16.800 --> 0:12:19.000 to throwing temper tantrums when he doesn't get his way 0:12:19.120 --> 0:12:23.200 at times, ruining nights out or worse, entire vacations. But 0:12:23.320 --> 0:12:26.479 beyond the surface personality deficit, he can also be very controlling. 0:12:26.960 --> 0:12:29.520 He has pulled her boss aside to discuss how her 0:12:29.679 --> 0:12:34.920 workload is affecting their relationship, which is so inappropriate, demanded 0:12:35.000 --> 0:12:37.680 that she give back expensive gifts when they are on 0:12:37.800 --> 0:12:40.560 a break, and then used them to lure her back. 0:12:41.040 --> 0:12:43.640 I try to be supportive or at least silent when 0:12:43.679 --> 0:12:46.560 they're together, but the problem is when they're not together, 0:12:46.640 --> 0:12:48.960 I hear even more stories about how horrible he is 0:12:49.679 --> 0:12:52.160 in so many ways. My friend is a strong independent woman. 0:12:52.559 --> 0:12:54.600 She owned and sold her own business in a male 0:12:54.640 --> 0:12:57.640 dominated field. She has her own Harley and rides around 0:12:57.720 --> 0:13:00.240 in designer clothes, and she's never been one to your 0:13:00.240 --> 0:13:02.400 mouth shut if a topic comes up she doesn't agree with. 0:13:03.000 --> 0:13:05.080 How do I get her to open her eyes to 0:13:05.200 --> 0:13:08.240 how bad this relationship really is and the negative impact 0:13:08.280 --> 0:13:09.240 it's having on her daughter? 0:13:09.960 --> 0:13:10.679 Or gulp? 0:13:10.920 --> 0:13:12.679 Is this a me problem that I need to work 0:13:12.679 --> 0:13:15.320 on accepting your situation and not sticking my head into 0:13:15.320 --> 0:13:18.559 their business. Also, we've already considered becoming late in life 0:13:18.640 --> 0:13:21.040 lesbians and blending our families, but for some reason, we're 0:13:21.080 --> 0:13:23.880 both still attracted to men. Ugh, thank you for any 0:13:23.920 --> 0:13:26.400 help with this, Chrissy and Melanie. 0:13:26.440 --> 0:13:31.760 Hi, ladies, where are we Okay, there's Melanie. Hi, Melanie, Hi, Okay, 0:13:31.800 --> 0:13:35.520 we're waiting for Chrissy. Hold on, Hi, Christy, how are 0:13:35.559 --> 0:13:36.160 you hi? 0:13:36.240 --> 0:13:36.600 Guys? 0:13:36.960 --> 0:13:41.439 Hi, thanks for calling in. I love I love friendship stuff. 0:13:41.480 --> 0:13:42.199 So this is great. 0:13:42.520 --> 0:13:44.960 So Chrissy Okay, So you explained to us in your 0:13:45.040 --> 0:13:50.440 letter very comprehensively how you feel about Melanie's on an 0:13:50.480 --> 0:13:54.160 off boyfriend of five years. So Melanie, what do you 0:13:54.240 --> 0:13:56.600 have to say? You know how Chrissy feels about him, right? 0:13:56.960 --> 0:14:00.440 I do? And I absolutely respect everything she says to 0:14:00.440 --> 0:14:03.880 me all the time. It's one of those things that's 0:14:04.080 --> 0:14:07.199 really it's really hard for me. Sometimes I feel like 0:14:07.240 --> 0:14:09.040 it's not hard for me to give up. It's hard 0:14:09.080 --> 0:14:14.200 for me to hurt him, right, And there's a lot 0:14:14.200 --> 0:14:18.400 of family dynamic that is starting to make it easier 0:14:18.440 --> 0:14:21.040 for me to, you know, sometimes think. 0:14:20.920 --> 0:14:23.080 About going that way, going what way? 0:14:23.360 --> 0:14:24.560 To break up with him? 0:14:24.720 --> 0:14:28.280 Okay, because my daughter does not like him at all, 0:14:28.960 --> 0:14:29.840 and that's a big thing. 0:14:30.080 --> 0:14:32.680 You know. I don't want to be that mom that is. 0:14:32.600 --> 0:14:34.840 Like, you know, she says, oh, well, you can't come 0:14:34.880 --> 0:14:37.680 over for Thanksgiving because she doesn't want my boyfriend to 0:14:37.680 --> 0:14:38.040 come over. 0:14:38.120 --> 0:14:40.040 I don't want her to. I don't want to be 0:14:40.040 --> 0:14:42.800 in that position, right. It's tough, very. 0:14:42.600 --> 0:14:45.280 Tough, and you're worried about hurting him. I mean, do 0:14:45.320 --> 0:14:47.359 you feel like you're happy in this relationship? 0:14:47.760 --> 0:14:51.920 Not one hundred percent. I feel like he is secure. 0:14:52.040 --> 0:14:54.800 Like financially, emotionally. 0:14:54.760 --> 0:14:58.560 Financial, even though he doesn't really do financial things for me. 0:14:58.640 --> 0:15:02.160 But I know that in the end that I won't 0:15:02.200 --> 0:15:03.280 have to worry. 0:15:03.360 --> 0:15:04.760 That sounds really horrible. 0:15:05.200 --> 0:15:10.120 Yeah, can I clarify something really quick, Melanie, because Chrissy, 0:15:10.320 --> 0:15:13.160 when I read this email, I was like, oh, so 0:15:13.280 --> 0:15:16.680 he gave you a ring early on, and Chrissy clarified 0:15:16.880 --> 0:15:19.760 he hasn't actually given you the ring, he just owns it, right, 0:15:20.520 --> 0:15:21.680 So you're not engaged. 0:15:22.160 --> 0:15:23.600 Nope, we are not engaged. 0:15:23.840 --> 0:15:27.320 What is your take on this ring situation? That he's 0:15:27.400 --> 0:15:28.640 kind of holding it over you? 0:15:29.320 --> 0:15:34.040 So I feel that he has like hung it in 0:15:34.080 --> 0:15:36.480 front of me many times, and every time we talk 0:15:36.520 --> 0:15:39.680 about it, there's always a different reason as to why 0:15:39.720 --> 0:15:43.600 we shouldn't move forward, and typically it's well, your daughter 0:15:43.680 --> 0:15:45.480 doesn't like me, we need to get her on board, 0:15:46.000 --> 0:15:48.360 or well, now we're having problems with your mom, or 0:15:48.920 --> 0:15:53.120 now we can't spend as much time together, And honestly, 0:15:53.440 --> 0:15:56.360 even if we were to get engaged and married, we 0:15:56.360 --> 0:16:01.080 wouldn't even be able to live together until, like I 0:16:01.120 --> 0:16:02.920 take care of my or I'm going to be taking 0:16:02.920 --> 0:16:04.760 care of my mother, So it would not be a 0:16:04.760 --> 0:16:07.600 situation where we could even really live together full. 0:16:07.440 --> 0:16:10.520 Time anyway, It would be a weird dynamic. 0:16:10.600 --> 0:16:13.120 And what is your daughter? What doesn't she like about him? 0:16:13.840 --> 0:16:17.040 He has no children, so he tends to act like 0:16:17.080 --> 0:16:20.360 a child at times because he's never had to raise kids. 0:16:20.600 --> 0:16:21.800 And are you attracted to that? 0:16:22.200 --> 0:16:24.400 Well, I thought it was attracted to the fact that 0:16:24.400 --> 0:16:28.120 he didn't have kids, right, But the childish behavior is 0:16:28.200 --> 0:16:29.280 not attractive at all. 0:16:29.400 --> 0:16:34.480 No, it sounds like he's actually quite unattractive on multiple levels. 0:16:35.120 --> 0:16:39.120 And you are holding onto an idea about something that 0:16:39.200 --> 0:16:42.280 may or may not happen in the future and looking 0:16:42.360 --> 0:16:46.160 at that financial dependency as a reason to stay in 0:16:46.200 --> 0:16:49.440 when he's exhibited all of the signs that he will 0:16:49.440 --> 0:16:51.720