WEBVTT - CALLING FROM THE HOSPITAL 0:00:00.120 --> 0:00:03.040 Hey everybody, it's Lyle. Just a reminder that I am 0:00:03.040 --> 0:00:06.920 going on tour to do therapy Gecko live in several 0:00:06.920 --> 0:00:09.520 cities across the United States, and I would love to 0:00:09.520 --> 0:00:12.239 see you there. I will be interviewing random folks from 0:00:12.240 --> 0:00:16.040 the audience up on stage and absolutely anything could happen. 0:00:16.440 --> 0:00:21.320 It will be very fun, very terrifying, and very Gekoe. 0:00:21.360 --> 0:00:23.439 You can find the link to get tickets in your 0:00:23.480 --> 0:00:26.880 city in the episode description. Okay, let's get into the podcast. 0:00:31.080 --> 0:00:31.880 I'll be very okay. 0:00:31.960 --> 0:00:37.360 Hello, Hi is this Lyle? 0:00:38.600 --> 0:00:38.880 Uh? 0:00:38.960 --> 0:00:41.200 Yeah, what's going on. 0:00:42.840 --> 0:00:46.200 I've been in the hospital the last few days, hanging 0:00:46.280 --> 0:00:51.599 out with my dad Kase. She almost died, but he's 0:00:51.600 --> 0:00:56.560 okay now. But that's the only like kind of thing 0:00:56.600 --> 0:00:58.760 that's got me down right now. My life otherwise is 0:00:59.240 --> 0:00:59.800 pretty great. 0:01:00.320 --> 0:01:01.800 Well, how did he almost die? 0:01:04.840 --> 0:01:08.080 So, my dad's kind of got a potato for a 0:01:08.160 --> 0:01:12.240 heart and a few years back he had a heart 0:01:12.240 --> 0:01:16.040 attack and after that his heart stopped and he had 0:01:16.080 --> 0:01:18.520 pneumonia too, And he also smokes like four packs a 0:01:18.560 --> 0:01:25.840 day and eats like a stick of butter every other day. Anyways, 0:01:25.959 --> 0:01:27.640 he was in the hostel for a while. They had 0:01:27.680 --> 0:01:31.039 to give him a defibrillator put even more stents in 0:01:31.040 --> 0:01:37.600 his heart. He's gone like sixtenths in his heart along 0:01:37.640 --> 0:01:41.000 down the line. He keeps smoking. The last few months, 0:01:41.160 --> 0:01:45.680 he's been struggling getting around and went into the doctors 0:01:45.680 --> 0:01:48.240 because his defibrillator kept kicking off. He couldn't even sleep 0:01:48.280 --> 0:01:51.360 anymore because it was like almost by the hour, and 0:01:52.400 --> 0:01:54.600 his heart was at like fifteen percent. Two thirds of 0:01:54.600 --> 0:01:59.000 his heart was dead and his arteries were blocked. So 0:01:59.120 --> 0:02:03.600 he went in to do an emergency bypass surgery, but 0:02:03.680 --> 0:02:05.600 that had to be delayed because there's so much fluid 0:02:05.600 --> 0:02:11.480 in his lungs. But they basically rebuilt his heart leg 0:02:11.840 --> 0:02:16.760 because literally he's got like kind of a new heart. 0:02:17.800 --> 0:02:20.880 How do they rebuild a heart, I guess neither of 0:02:20.919 --> 0:02:23.080 us was aad question. 0:02:23.160 --> 0:02:29.720 But no, no, not like a robot heart. But so 0:02:29.919 --> 0:02:32.080 years ago, you know, when they were like doing chest 0:02:32.080 --> 0:02:36.560 compressions to restart his heart, they'd broken his ribs and 0:02:36.680 --> 0:02:39.680 all of the arteries healed back into the ribs, so 0:02:39.680 --> 0:02:42.640 they couldn't use any parts of his heart alive or dead. 0:02:43.000 --> 0:02:46.120 So they opened up his arm and his legs and 0:02:46.280 --> 0:02:49.160 took some arteries from there and stitched to them into 0:02:49.200 --> 0:02:49.760 his heart. 0:02:51.080 --> 0:02:53.560 Each. Okay, so it's like when you get plastic surgery 0:02:54.040 --> 0:02:55.720 and they take a little bit of your shoulder and 0:02:55.760 --> 0:02:57.440 they put it into your boobs. 0:02:59.240 --> 0:03:00.760 Yes, it is exactly like that. 0:03:01.720 --> 0:03:03.000 Okay, that's pretty cool. 0:03:03.120 --> 0:03:10.040 Yeah it was. I can't lie. I was fucking nervous. 0:03:10.880 --> 0:03:15.440 What how's he doing there? He's got a new. 0:03:17.880 --> 0:03:24.560 Excuse me, he's kind of, you know, struggling rough, can't 0:03:24.560 --> 0:03:26.760 really breathe can't really walk. 0:03:27.680 --> 0:03:28.160 He's upset. 0:03:28.200 --> 0:03:30.040 All the food here sucks and I tried it, the 0:03:30.080 --> 0:03:31.880 apple juice, Your taste like piss. 0:03:33.000 --> 0:03:34.200 There's nothing good there at all. 0:03:36.360 --> 0:03:39.120 No, Like I've been trying the things that they've been 0:03:39.120 --> 0:03:43.280 giving him, Like all everything here sucked. I feel like 0:03:43.560 --> 0:03:44.160 prison suit. 0:03:45.120 --> 0:03:49.400 Mm hmm, Well, I feel like, what what kinds of 0:03:49.400 --> 0:03:51.720 stuff does your dad eat? Now that he has a 0:03:51.760 --> 0:03:54.480 new heart. I'm sure his diet is probably very restricted. 0:03:59.320 --> 0:04:02.040 Well, it's not supposed to really have any more butter. 0:04:02.200 --> 0:04:05.640 It's got to cut down the sodium. He really needs 0:04:05.680 --> 0:04:08.839 to stop eating so much toast bread for real? 0:04:09.680 --> 0:04:10.720 Really, what's wrong with bread? 0:04:14.240 --> 0:04:14.440 Oh? 0:04:14.520 --> 0:04:16.440 That dude could eat like half a loaf of bread 0:04:16.440 --> 0:04:18.360 in a day. A man loves sandwiches. 0:04:19.040 --> 0:04:23.120 Yeah, yeah, it really, you know, I don't know who, like, 0:04:23.160 --> 0:04:26.640 really it was that that that designed the human body. 0:04:26.760 --> 0:04:29.440 I don't know anything about that, but it was designed 0:04:29.440 --> 0:04:33.240 poorly because all the things that are delicious they make 0:04:33.360 --> 0:04:38.120 us die. And the things that are healthy, you know, 0:04:38.160 --> 0:04:40.559 they're like whatever, like lettuce and stuff. I mean, lettuce 0:04:40.640 --> 0:04:41.240 is fine, but. 0:04:42.839 --> 0:04:43.080 It does. 0:04:43.160 --> 0:04:45.520 That doesn't make sense to me. Why would they program 0:04:45.960 --> 0:04:48.960 us so that things that are delicious are bad? I 0:04:48.960 --> 0:04:50.240 feel like this counterintuitive. 0:04:52.760 --> 0:04:55.320 I don't know, to teach us discipline or something. I 0:04:55.360 --> 0:04:57.440 thought life was supposed to do all about lessons, But 0:04:57.480 --> 0:04:59.159 again I didn't I didn't meet the man who made 0:04:59.279 --> 0:05:00.480 all the rules. I don't know. 0:05:01.400 --> 0:05:05.960 Uh, you are your life is better outside of this, right, 0:05:06.040 --> 0:05:08.400 that's what you said. You said that life is going 0:05:08.440 --> 0:05:09.120 good other than this. 0:05:11.680 --> 0:05:15.520 Yes, I was. I was listening to your podcast tuesday 0:05:16.400 --> 0:05:19.760 and you talked about how the majority of people's problems 0:05:19.920 --> 0:05:23.680 stem from relationships with other people or things that are 0:05:23.720 --> 0:05:28.359 out of their control. And I've been thinking about that 0:05:29.880 --> 0:05:33.520 and even though that is like they're pretty much number 0:05:33.600 --> 0:05:37.480 one worldwide problem, it doesn't make it any less painful. 0:05:39.040 --> 0:05:41.320 And I've been trying to figure out how to cope 0:05:41.320 --> 0:05:44.480 with that like this experience has been different from the 0:05:44.560 --> 0:05:49.080 last one because I'm kind of seeing my dad almost 0:05:49.080 --> 0:05:52.560 like a kid, you know, like you expect to get 0:05:52.560 --> 0:05:54.560 to that age and you start taking care of your parents, 0:05:54.800 --> 0:05:57.520 you know. Well, I just turned nineteen yesterday, but I've 0:05:57.600 --> 0:05:59.120 kind of been taking care of my dad for like 0:05:59.200 --> 0:06:03.320 the last two years. But even the last time he 0:06:03.360 --> 0:06:07.719 was in the hospital, I wasn't here like eight hours 0:06:07.760 --> 0:06:11.320 a day, you know, like i'd combine, I'd visit, stay 0:06:11.320 --> 0:06:14.159 over night every once in a while. But like it 0:06:14.279 --> 0:06:20.880 feels different, I guess taking care of him, like feeding him. 0:06:20.760 --> 0:06:24.679 And like clean or where's what's up with your mom 0:06:24.720 --> 0:06:26.839 and the rest of your family? Where's everybody else? 0:06:31.120 --> 0:06:36.080 So my dad's entire family sucks, and also my dad 0:06:36.120 --> 0:06:41.159 self isolates. So my mom is in a really bad 0:06:41.320 --> 0:06:45.480 relationship with a cheating husband that she just refuses to 0:06:45.600 --> 0:06:50.279 leave and he doesn't like me, so they kicked me 0:06:50.360 --> 0:06:55.800 out and let my niece move in. So I don't know, 0:06:55.880 --> 0:07:00.159 like my mom loves me, but she's like really got that. 0:07:01.480 --> 0:07:03.520 She's a really Christian lady, and I don't know she's 0:07:03.560 --> 0:07:06.360 got that. What's that called? I don't know the word, 0:07:06.480 --> 0:07:08.320 but like basically it's ingrained into her that, like the 0:07:08.400 --> 0:07:10.680 husband is the head of the household, it's God and 0:07:10.720 --> 0:07:13.040 then the lord or whatever, they're both the same. Sorry, 0:07:13.080 --> 0:07:15.760 the Lord, your husband and then you. And so she 0:07:15.880 --> 0:07:19.200 kind of just takes his side with everything, even when 0:07:19.200 --> 0:07:20.040 it's unreasonable. 0:07:21.440 --> 0:07:24.920 So you're you're taking care of him all by yourself. 0:07:25.240 --> 0:07:27.280 He doesn't have a significant other that's with him, or 0:07:27.280 --> 0:07:32.280 you don't have any siblings that are with you. 0:07:32.360 --> 0:07:35.680 All of my siblings are four plus years older than me. 0:07:35.840 --> 0:07:39.080 And also it's really sad. My dad's kind of a 0:07:39.120 --> 0:07:43.239 shitty person. So I'm the only kid he's ever raised. 0:07:43.400 --> 0:07:46.440 Every other woman he had a kid with did not 0:07:46.560 --> 0:07:49.280 want him around the kid and hence took the kid. 0:07:50.840 --> 0:07:53.200 Interesting, why do you say that he's a shitty person? 0:07:58.080 --> 0:07:58.880 Narcissist? 0:07:59.520 --> 0:08:03.360 Abuse of bipolar anger is which you know, being mentally 0:08:03.360 --> 0:08:07.280 ill doesn't make you a bad person, but you know, 0:08:08.240 --> 0:08:14.560 you can't excuse awful and rude behavior towards people just 0:08:14.600 --> 0:08:15.880 because you're mentally ill. 0:08:17.120 --> 0:08:20.840 You know, So has he has he been? 0:08:23.080 --> 0:08:23.280 You know? 0:08:23.320 --> 0:08:29.880 Okay, so you're you're the youngest, correct, yes, And were 0:08:29.920 --> 0:08:32.440 you kind of the one where he was like, okay, 0:08:32.440 --> 0:08:38.480 I was shitty to all the other sort of opportunities, 0:08:38.679 --> 0:08:41.480 all the other daughters that I've had, and now they're 0:08:41.520 --> 0:08:44.160 older and they don't like me, but okay, here's one 0:08:44.240 --> 0:08:47.920 last chance, and I'm gonna really give it a shot. 0:08:49.040 --> 0:08:50.480 Or was he shitty to you as well? 0:08:53.480 --> 0:08:58.320 I don't think it was on purpose, you know, I 0:08:58.320 --> 0:09:02.720 got I was an accident. So he's like in his sixties, 0:09:03.640 --> 0:09:08.120 and he comes from that generation where they were told 0:09:08.120 --> 0:09:10.160 to shove down all their traumas so they didn't heal. 0:09:10.480 --> 0:09:16.360 So they're all like emotionally stunted. I haven't really figured out. 0:09:16.800 --> 0:09:18.839 My dad kind of avoids the question when I ask, 0:09:19.000 --> 0:09:22.400 like why he chose me, because he's he's like fifteen 0:09:22.480 --> 0:09:27.640 years older than my mom. My mom was an immigrant 0:09:28.400 --> 0:09:31.000 was the first year when she ended up having me, 0:09:31.480 --> 0:09:36.000 so she was still illegal at the time, and it 0:09:36.040 --> 0:09:38.120 was such a weird dynamic. He made me hate my 0:09:38.200 --> 0:09:40.600 mom growing up, and he vied to me for so long, 0:09:44.200 --> 0:09:47.079 and like his justification was that he got my mom 0:09:47.200 --> 0:09:50.839 deported to keep me here in America, because being raised 0:09:50.840 --> 0:09:52.679 in America is you know, so much better. 0:09:54.800 --> 0:09:59.719 He got your mom deported, But then yeah, he got 0:09:59.720 --> 0:10:03.000 your mind deported. How does him getting your mom deported 0:10:03.120 --> 0:10:03.760 keep you here? 0:10:08.040 --> 0:10:11.280 Well, no, no, no, it wasn't relevant in that it was 0:10:11.360 --> 0:10:13.960 just adding to the story of like my dad told 0:10:14.000 --> 0:10:16.600 me all these lies. So long story short, he just 0:10:16.679 --> 0:10:21.160 ended up doing a really bad job because he he's 0:10:21.280 --> 0:10:28.240 not the smartest man I've ever met, especially financially, so 0:10:28.280 --> 0:10:29.400 he's kind of always been poor. 0:10:29.440 --> 0:10:31.320 We grew up super poor, so. 0:10:31.200 --> 0:10:32.960 He was just working all the time. He would let 0:10:32.960 --> 0:10:36.000 out work anger on me because you know, super duper 0:10:36.040 --> 0:10:36.839 bad anger. 0:10:36.600 --> 0:10:41.760 Issues and has tried. 0:10:42.000 --> 0:10:43.400 But he did a really shitty job. 0:10:44.040 --> 0:10:46.080 Has your relationship with him improved at all or has 0:10:46.120 --> 0:10:49.120 it kind of stayed at the same shitty baseline for 0:10:49.960 --> 0:10:51.040 you know, most of your life. 0:10:54.440 --> 0:10:59.360 It changed for a few months, but it wasn't really real. 0:10:59.679 --> 0:11:01.880 He finally ended up meeting this girl, and it was 0:11:01.920 --> 0:11:02.920 a horrible situation. 0:11:03.200 --> 0:11:04.240 That's the whole other story. 0:11:04.640 --> 0:11:07.520 She moves in like two months after they met, and 0:11:07.559 --> 0:11:10.280 he just completely changes and he's talking to me nice. 0:11:10.320 --> 0:11:14.319 He's not cursing at me anymore. He does all these 0:11:14.320 --> 0:11:16.200 things for this woman. He would cook for her and 0:11:16.480 --> 0:11:18.480 he would clean, like my dad did not take care 0:11:18.520 --> 0:11:22.719 of me as a kid. My dad's best friend, who 0:11:22.760 --> 0:11:24.839 I called my uncle, is the person who basically raised 0:11:24.880 --> 0:11:30.600 me because he wasn't really a dad. So he was 0:11:30.720 --> 0:11:33.080 nice for a few months, and then she ended up 0:11:33.120 --> 0:11:36.840 ghosting him. She like stopped taking her meds, just packed 0:11:36.880 --> 0:11:39.320 up all her things one day, left blocked from everything, 0:11:39.840 --> 0:11:44.480 didn't even say anything, and he like completely broke and 0:11:44.520 --> 0:11:47.240 that was really hard to watch. And he kind of 0:11:47.280 --> 0:11:50.000 like reverted back, but into like an even worse version 0:11:50.000 --> 0:11:52.920 because he wasn't really just like angry anymore. He was 0:11:53.000 --> 0:11:55.920 like depressed, like super depressed. 0:11:56.600 --> 0:12:01.160 Where where is because in our relationship kind of your 0:12:01.240 --> 0:12:03.960 dad's uncle right now? Is he not your dad's but 0:12:04.040 --> 0:12:07.120 your uncle your dad's friend right now? Is he not 0:12:07.240 --> 0:12:07.760 in the picture? 0:12:09.320 --> 0:12:14.560 So my dad, being not the nicest guy, has this 0:12:14.679 --> 0:12:18.120 tendency to push everybody away and treat everybody really horribly, 0:12:18.600 --> 0:12:23.240 and right around the age of thirteen, they he already 0:12:23.320 --> 0:12:27.360 kind of treated him like shit. He was just super 0:12:27.440 --> 0:12:29.360 rude to him, ordered him around like a dog, you know. 0:12:30.120 --> 0:12:34.920 And one day my uncle's, one of my uncle's family 0:12:34.920 --> 0:12:37.559 members died. He didn't find out until two days before 0:12:37.600 --> 0:12:39.760 the funeral. Funerals in Illinois, which is like an eight 0:12:39.760 --> 0:12:42.360 hour drive, and he really wanted to go, and my 0:12:42.400 --> 0:12:44.400 dad was like, no, you can't go. You have to like, 0:12:44.520 --> 0:12:46.960 you have to stay here. We can't plan that. He's 0:12:47.000 --> 0:12:48.800 so mad that he just left anyway, you know, he 0:12:48.840 --> 0:12:51.240 went to the funeral and he comes back and my 0:12:51.400 --> 0:12:54.800 dad was literally pretending like he didn't exist. I remember, 0:12:54.840 --> 0:12:57.240 for a week straight, like he wouldn't acknowledge him, he 0:12:57.240 --> 0:12:59.760 wouldn't respond to him, he wouldn't talk to him. And 0:13:00.960 --> 0:13:04.439 one morning it was just like normal and I was 0:13:04.480 --> 0:13:06.560 getting ready for school and I just said bye, and 0:13:06.559 --> 0:13:07.960 he said, by, I see you after school. When I 0:13:08.000 --> 0:13:11.240 came home and all those things are packed and is gone, 0:13:11.400 --> 0:13:14.600 and I didn't hear from him for like five years. 0:13:16.600 --> 0:13:21.000 So now he's still in Illinois. He just got married, 0:13:21.080 --> 0:13:24.080 but we don't really talk like that. 0:13:26.920 --> 0:13:27.439 Anymore. 0:13:28.720 --> 0:13:35.640 So what has been keeping you taking care of your father? 0:13:37.200 --> 0:13:45.040 If you have had all these bad experiences with him? 0:13:45.160 --> 0:13:47.760 I think my only reasoning now, And I don't know 0:13:47.800 --> 0:13:52.240 why I feel this way. I feel like invalid for 0:13:52.679 --> 0:13:56.239 agreeing with everyone else, because like I talked to real therapists, 0:13:56.280 --> 0:13:58.040 and I've talked to my friends, and I talked to 0:13:58.040 --> 0:14:00.480 my mom, and everyone's just like you just to leave 0:14:00.520 --> 0:14:02.600 and cut this ma out of your life. You know, 0:14:02.720 --> 0:14:05.960 like he only drives me down. But it's like I 0:14:06.040 --> 0:14:09.840 feel bad because all he has and he's all alone, 0:14:10.160 --> 0:14:16.280 and I would not want to die alone. And so 0:14:16.440 --> 0:14:19.240 I just want to be their friends every day. 0:14:19.480 --> 0:14:25.120 You know, tell me more about you than your real 0:14:25.160 --> 0:14:26.640 therapists have told you about this. 0:14:30.800 --> 0:14:39.400 So she says, I have a abandonment issues, understandably, and 0:14:39.600 --> 0:14:42.600 I have a problem letting things go. And even when 0:14:43.040 --> 0:14:46.920 you know people hurt me, I justify it because I 0:14:48.240 --> 0:14:51.480 just see everybody is myself, you know, just a little 0:14:51.600 --> 0:14:54.280 human doing the best they can with the level of 0:14:54.320 --> 0:15:00.480 consciousness they have. And she thinks that I I need 0:15:00.520 --> 0:15:02.080 to keep him blocked out of my life, Like there 0:15:02.080 --> 0:15:04.520 are times but he's kicked me out so many times, 0:15:04.560 --> 0:15:06.600 and he'll blocked me for a few months and then 0:15:06.720 --> 0:15:08.440 unblocked me, you know, and he's like, why haven't you 0:15:08.480 --> 0:15:13.240 talked to me? And she always thinks I just need 0:15:13.280 --> 0:15:15.800 to keep him gone because you know, he does kind 0:15:15.800 --> 0:15:20.360 of bring me down sometimes, but I love him. I 0:15:20.360 --> 0:15:26.640 could never hate him. 0:15:26.680 --> 0:15:27.080 I don't know. 0:15:27.120 --> 0:15:32.680 I just don't agree with her on that standpoint. Yeah, 0:15:32.720 --> 0:15:36.280 Like she thinks she tells me I should put myself first, 0:15:36.440 --> 0:15:38.440 and I agreed with that. I always tried to, but 0:15:39.520 --> 0:15:42.680 this one thing, this one thing really goat me. 0:15:42.760 --> 0:15:51.600 Man, what one thing. 0:15:55.440 --> 0:15:59.600 My dad whole situation? 0:16:00.600 --> 0:16:03.240 Let me ask you this is there. You know what 0:16:03.240 --> 0:16:10.000 do you think you are giving up or sacrificing of 0:16:10.040 --> 0:16:15.320 yourself in your life, if anything, to take care of your. 0:16:15.240 --> 0:16:25.080 Dad, my mental health and my physical health okay, and 0:16:25.960 --> 0:16:29.440 time to be invested doing school work and also going 0:16:29.680 --> 0:16:31.360 to my actual jobs. 0:16:31.800 --> 0:16:36.240 Uh okay, so it's a lot. 0:16:38.680 --> 0:16:40.520 I haven't been to work the last few days. It's 0:16:40.520 --> 0:16:42.840 going to be a few more days. And like I've 0:16:42.880 --> 0:16:46.960 been financially independent since I was, you know, a young teen. 0:16:47.880 --> 0:16:50.720 So money is important because we live in a horrible 0:16:50.760 --> 0:16:53.440 time where everything is super expensive. 0:16:54.840 --> 0:16:58.840 Yeah, we do, we do? You know this is this 0:16:58.920 --> 0:17:08.359 is interesting. Yes, you are sacrificing a lot of yourself 0:17:09.280 --> 0:17:15.800 to take care of this guy who hasn't been great 0:17:15.840 --> 0:17:19.679 to you but is your father. You have lots of people, 0:17:21.240 --> 0:17:26.440 your therapist, people you know, with legitimate care and concern 0:17:26.560 --> 0:17:29.280 for you, who are telling you that you shouldn't be 0:17:29.320 --> 0:17:35.040 making those sacrifices, and you don't agree with them. It 0:17:35.119 --> 0:17:37.800 seems like there's a lot of dissonance between Okay, should 0:17:37.800 --> 0:17:39.360 I do this? Should I be doing this, my doing 0:17:39.400 --> 0:17:44.200 the right thing, and fuck I'm I'm I'm sitting here 0:17:45.640 --> 0:17:51.040 with you right now wondering the same exact thing. 0:17:53.600 --> 0:17:55.480 I think it's. 0:17:55.280 --> 0:17:57.080 Not really I think I have this feeling that I 0:17:57.119 --> 0:18:02.160 would feel guilty if I chose to leave and take 0:18:02.240 --> 0:18:06.920 care of myself, because he would just be dealing with strangers, 0:18:07.359 --> 0:18:11.119 you know. M. 0:18:14.480 --> 0:18:18.280 Well, you know again, I'm wrestling all of this in 0:18:18.359 --> 0:18:22.920 my head. I think that whatever you decide to do, 0:18:24.440 --> 0:18:27.560 I don't think you should feel guilty about it either way. 0:18:29.600 --> 0:18:30.800 I don't think that there is a. 0:18:30.840 --> 0:18:36.400 Cree well I haven't figured out. I haven't figured out 0:18:36.400 --> 0:18:39.560 how to not feel guilty about it. And see that's 0:18:39.560 --> 0:18:40.960 how I feel, because I'm like, well, it should be 0:18:41.040 --> 0:18:43.040 valid either way, because I am my own human. It's 0:18:43.160 --> 0:18:46.120 not like, you know, I asked to be born. It's 0:18:46.119 --> 0:18:50.359 not like he made me just to be his caretaker, 0:18:50.440 --> 0:18:55.119 you know, like I am my own individual. M. I 0:18:55.119 --> 0:18:58.040 don't know, man, you know something about human relationships and 0:18:58.320 --> 0:19:02.800 connections in the human brain being wired to care about 0:19:02.840 --> 0:19:03.359 other people. 0:19:06.800 --> 0:19:07.399 Yeah, I don't know. 0:19:07.920 --> 0:19:08.320 I don't know. 0:19:09.000 --> 0:19:11.840 It is it does make decisions hard because I'm sitting here. 0:19:12.080 --> 0:19:16.119 At least my thought process with this is like, you 0:19:16.200 --> 0:19:18.399 know what is important in life? Is it important to 0:19:20.080 --> 0:19:24.280 you that you sacrifice of yourself for other people, even 0:19:24.320 --> 0:19:26.520 if they don't deserve it, just because that's what you 0:19:27.480 --> 0:19:31.119 want to do. That's what you you know as a 0:19:31.200 --> 0:19:34.159 human being in a weird way, because yes, you are. 0:19:33.520 --> 0:19:36.560 You are your own human being and you get to 0:19:36.600 --> 0:19:40.399 make your decisions and justify them however you want. And 0:19:40.440 --> 0:19:44.119 with that you can make your executive decision that, you 0:19:44.160 --> 0:19:47.280 know what, it's important to me to sacrifice of myself 0:19:47.280 --> 0:19:49.040 for this guy, even if you might not deserve it, 0:19:49.080 --> 0:19:52.920 because that's just my life philosophy. That's how I feel 0:19:53.040 --> 0:19:55.480 I should live. And you know what, that would be okay, 0:19:55.480 --> 0:19:58.000 And it would also be just as okay for you 0:19:58.080 --> 0:20:00.560 to go, you know what, this guy doesn't deserve And it's 0:20:00.480 --> 0:20:03.520 important for me to figure out my own stuff because 0:20:03.560 --> 0:20:05.840 I'm young and I got to take care of myself 0:20:05.840 --> 0:20:08.840 here and I need to do these things that are 0:20:08.880 --> 0:20:11.480 important to me, and that's my life philosophy, and that 0:20:11.520 --> 0:20:16.960 would be okay too. And both of them are decisions 0:20:17.760 --> 0:20:21.080 that you would be making as your own independent person 0:20:22.760 --> 0:20:25.359 and as a person who gets to decide what is 0:20:25.400 --> 0:20:29.000 important to them in their life, and theo's are really 0:20:29.040 --> 0:20:33.640 hard decisions to make, especially very young. You know, I'm 0:20:33.680 --> 0:20:36.320 still making those decisions. Everyone listening to this is still 0:20:36.320 --> 0:20:39.400 making their decisions on what is important to them in life. 0:20:40.480 --> 0:20:44.320 It's hard to navigate, it, really really is. But I 0:20:44.359 --> 0:20:48.399 don't think either way. You know, the guilt seems like 0:20:48.440 --> 0:20:53.400 it's the big thing here. And I'm telling you, whichever 0:20:53.520 --> 0:20:57.359 thing you decide to do, you know, if you decide 0:20:57.359 --> 0:20:59.680 to take care of him and you feel guilty about 0:20:59.720 --> 0:21:02.159 nickol acting other aspects of your life, if you decide 0:21:02.200 --> 0:21:03.880 not to take care of him and you feel guilty 0:21:03.920 --> 0:21:12.679 about leaving him, the guilt to me has no place 0:21:12.840 --> 0:21:22.439 because you're sitting here, really truly, truly doing the best 0:21:22.480 --> 0:21:28.280 you can here. And this is a hard, hard thing 0:21:28.400 --> 0:21:31.720 and you're a thinking, feeling person doing the best you 0:21:31.800 --> 0:21:37.320 can with this situation. And so why I feel guilty 0:21:37.359 --> 0:21:40.880 When you did the best you could. You know everything 0:21:40.880 --> 0:21:49.439 that was in your control, you really gave patient, deep 0:21:49.600 --> 0:21:54.000 thought to it. You didn't just throw it by the wayside. 0:21:54.200 --> 0:21:58.119 You thought about this decision really long and really hard, 0:21:59.080 --> 0:22:01.760 and you made way. Ever, the best one was with 0:22:01.840 --> 0:22:04.280 the information and the feelings you had at the time, 0:22:05.240 --> 0:22:09.200 and I think that's a lot, and I don't think 0:22:09.200 --> 0:22:16.000 it's something to be, you know, feeling feeling guilty or 0:22:17.320 --> 0:22:25.680 or you know, regretful about whatever you decide, because you 0:22:25.680 --> 0:22:30.760 you really are doing your best here. I don't have 0:22:30.800 --> 0:22:34.480 any of that made sense, No, it. 0:22:35.960 --> 0:22:36.600 Made sense. 0:22:38.040 --> 0:22:40.400 It did make me think a little bit differently. 0:22:42.680 --> 0:22:43.080 Mm hmm. 0:22:45.160 --> 0:22:45.640 You're right. 0:22:45.720 --> 0:22:48.600 I am just doing the best I can with what 0:22:48.680 --> 0:22:57.680 I'm feeling, and I really want to put myself first. 0:22:57.720 --> 0:23:00.240 I think that's what I'm feeling. I think that's I've 0:23:00.240 --> 0:23:03.159 been feeling so bad mm hm, because I feel like 0:23:03.240 --> 0:23:07.000 that I have to do this for some like moral 0:23:07.359 --> 0:23:09.320 value or standard that I hold. 0:23:12.320 --> 0:23:12.720 Mm hmm. 0:23:14.119 --> 0:23:15.120 But I don't. 0:23:17.800 --> 0:23:18.959 No, go ahead, I want to. I want to hear 0:23:18.960 --> 0:23:19.720 the rest of your thoughts. 0:23:21.760 --> 0:23:23.920 I it is. 0:23:24.240 --> 0:23:26.520 I think it is okay if I am not emotionally 0:23:26.560 --> 0:23:32.240 capable of handing handling some things in my life mm hmm, 0:23:32.760 --> 0:23:40.000 even if they seem really detrimental. I think it is 0:23:40.040 --> 0:23:43.800 okay to know how much I can handle and be 0:23:43.840 --> 0:23:46.200 able to walk away from that. And I don't know 0:23:46.240 --> 0:23:47.280 why I've been impleheeing that. 0:23:49.200 --> 0:23:55.679 Mm hmm. I agree. I think that's okay too, because 0:23:57.000 --> 0:24:00.120 you're as you said you could you you know, you 0:24:00.119 --> 0:24:02.359 you get to make your own decisions about all these things. 0:24:02.480 --> 0:24:06.680 You know, there's no I mean, fuck this this moral 0:24:07.080 --> 0:24:11.560 standard that you're talking about, it's it's not defined by 0:24:11.560 --> 0:24:16.119 anyone except for you, and it can be malleable and 0:24:16.200 --> 0:24:18.879 you don't want it to, you know, hold you hostage 0:24:18.920 --> 0:24:20.960 to things that don't serve you. 0:24:28.680 --> 0:24:30.679 I don't know why I stopped living my life like that. 0:24:30.720 --> 0:24:32.640 I used to live my life like that all the time. 0:24:32.720 --> 0:24:35.000 To keeping the things in my life that served me. 0:24:35.040 --> 0:24:36.320 When they no longer serve. 0:24:36.200 --> 0:24:36.919 Me, I would let go. 0:24:38.240 --> 0:24:53.000 M I appreciate your validation. 0:24:54.920 --> 0:25:00.199 Yeah, I appreciate you being so vulnerable on the on 0:25:00.240 --> 0:25:01.359 the phone here with us. 0:25:01.680 --> 0:25:09.800 And I I feel a burden is not the word, 0:25:10.240 --> 0:25:13.280 maybe not like annoying, well maybe a little annoying. 0:25:13.359 --> 0:25:14.320 I feel. 0:25:15.480 --> 0:25:18.760 I feel really a note alone because I feel bad 0:25:19.080 --> 0:25:22.919 like talking to people about it, because it's just like, 0:25:23.320 --> 0:25:24.960 you know, like what can they say. It's just like, oh, 0:25:25.040 --> 0:25:26.680