Speaker 1: Hey everybody, it's Lyle. Just a reminder that I am
Speaker 1: going on tour to do therapy Gecko live in several
Speaker 1: cities across the United States, and I would love to
Speaker 1: see you there. I will be interviewing random folks from
Speaker 1: the audience up on stage and absolutely anything could happen.
Speaker 1: It will be very fun, very terrifying, and very Gekoe.
Speaker 1: You can find the link to get tickets in your
Speaker 1: city in the episode description. Okay, let's get into the podcast.
Speaker 2: I'll be very okay.
Speaker 3: Hello, Hi is this Lyle?
Speaker 4: Uh?
Speaker 1: Yeah, what's going on.
Speaker 5: I've been in the hospital the last few days, hanging
Speaker 5: out with my dad Kase. She almost died, but he's
Speaker 5: okay now. But that's the only like kind of thing
Speaker 5: that's got me down right now. My life otherwise is
Speaker 5: pretty great.
Speaker 1: Well, how did he almost die?
Speaker 5: So, my dad's kind of got a potato for a
Speaker 5: heart and a few years back he had a heart
Speaker 5: attack and after that his heart stopped and he had
Speaker 5: pneumonia too, And he also smokes like four packs a
Speaker 5: day and eats like a stick of butter every other day. Anyways,
Speaker 5: he was in the hostel for a while. They had
Speaker 5: to give him a defibrillator put even more stents in
Speaker 5: his heart. He's gone like sixtenths in his heart along
Speaker 5: down the line. He keeps smoking. The last few months,
Speaker 5: he's been struggling getting around and went into the doctors
Speaker 5: because his defibrillator kept kicking off. He couldn't even sleep
Speaker 5: anymore because it was like almost by the hour, and
Speaker 5: his heart was at like fifteen percent. Two thirds of
Speaker 5: his heart was dead and his arteries were blocked. So
Speaker 5: he went in to do an emergency bypass surgery, but
Speaker 5: that had to be delayed because there's so much fluid
Speaker 5: in his lungs. But they basically rebuilt his heart leg
Speaker 5: because literally he's got like kind of a new heart.
Speaker 1: How do they rebuild a heart, I guess neither of
Speaker 1: us was aad question.
Speaker 5: But no, no, not like a robot heart. But so
Speaker 5: years ago, you know, when they were like doing chest
Speaker 5: compressions to restart his heart, they'd broken his ribs and
Speaker 5: all of the arteries healed back into the ribs, so
Speaker 5: they couldn't use any parts of his heart alive or dead.
Speaker 5: So they opened up his arm and his legs and
Speaker 5: took some arteries from there and stitched to them into
Speaker 5: his heart.
Speaker 1: Each. Okay, so it's like when you get plastic surgery
Speaker 1: and they take a little bit of your shoulder and
Speaker 1: they put it into your boobs.
Speaker 5: Yes, it is exactly like that.
Speaker 1: Okay, that's pretty cool.
Speaker 5: Yeah it was. I can't lie. I was fucking nervous.
Speaker 1: What how's he doing there? He's got a new.
Speaker 5: Excuse me, he's kind of, you know, struggling rough, can't
Speaker 5: really breathe can't really walk.
Speaker 2: He's upset.
Speaker 5: All the food here sucks and I tried it, the
Speaker 5: apple juice, Your taste like piss.
Speaker 1: There's nothing good there at all.
Speaker 5: No, Like I've been trying the things that they've been
Speaker 5: giving him, Like all everything here sucked. I feel like
Speaker 5: prison suit.
Speaker 1: Mm hmm, Well, I feel like, what what kinds of
Speaker 1: stuff does your dad eat? Now that he has a
Speaker 1: new heart. I'm sure his diet is probably very restricted.
Speaker 5: Well, it's not supposed to really have any more butter.
Speaker 5: It's got to cut down the sodium. He really needs
Speaker 5: to stop eating so much toast bread for real?
Speaker 1: Really, what's wrong with bread?
Speaker 2: Oh?
Speaker 5: That dude could eat like half a loaf of bread
Speaker 5: in a day. A man loves sandwiches.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, it really, you know, I don't know who, like,
Speaker 1: really it was that that that designed the human body.
Speaker 1: I don't know anything about that, but it was designed
Speaker 1: poorly because all the things that are delicious they make
Speaker 1: us die. And the things that are healthy, you know,
Speaker 1: they're like whatever, like lettuce and stuff. I mean, lettuce
Speaker 1: is fine, but.
Speaker 5: It does.
Speaker 1: That doesn't make sense to me. Why would they program
Speaker 1: us so that things that are delicious are bad? I
Speaker 1: feel like this counterintuitive.
Speaker 5: I don't know, to teach us discipline or something. I
Speaker 5: thought life was supposed to do all about lessons, But
Speaker 5: again I didn't I didn't meet the man who made
Speaker 5: all the rules. I don't know.
Speaker 1: Uh, you are your life is better outside of this, right,
Speaker 1: that's what you said. You said that life is going
Speaker 1: good other than this.
Speaker 5: Yes, I was. I was listening to your podcast tuesday
Speaker 5: and you talked about how the majority of people's problems
Speaker 5: stem from relationships with other people or things that are
Speaker 5: out of their control. And I've been thinking about that
Speaker 5: and even though that is like they're pretty much number
Speaker 5: one worldwide problem, it doesn't make it any less painful.
Speaker 5: And I've been trying to figure out how to cope
Speaker 5: with that like this experience has been different from the
Speaker 5: last one because I'm kind of seeing my dad almost
Speaker 5: like a kid, you know, like you expect to get
Speaker 5: to that age and you start taking care of your parents,
Speaker 5: you know. Well, I just turned nineteen yesterday, but I've
Speaker 5: kind of been taking care of my dad for like
Speaker 5: the last two years. But even the last time he
Speaker 5: was in the hospital, I wasn't here like eight hours
Speaker 5: a day, you know, like i'd combine, I'd visit, stay
Speaker 5: over night every once in a while. But like it
Speaker 5: feels different, I guess taking care of him, like feeding him.
Speaker 1: And like clean or where's what's up with your mom
Speaker 1: and the rest of your family? Where's everybody else?
Speaker 5: So my dad's entire family sucks, and also my dad
Speaker 5: self isolates. So my mom is in a really bad
Speaker 5: relationship with a cheating husband that she just refuses to
Speaker 5: leave and he doesn't like me, so they kicked me
Speaker 5: out and let my niece move in. So I don't know,
Speaker 5: like my mom loves me, but she's like really got that.
Speaker 5: She's a really Christian lady, and I don't know she's
Speaker 5: got that. What's that called? I don't know the word,
Speaker 5: but like basically it's ingrained into her that, like the
Speaker 5: husband is the head of the household, it's God and
Speaker 5: then the lord or whatever, they're both the same. Sorry,
Speaker 5: the Lord, your husband and then you. And so she
Speaker 5: kind of just takes his side with everything, even when
Speaker 5: it's unreasonable.
Speaker 1: So you're you're taking care of him all by yourself.
Speaker 1: He doesn't have a significant other that's with him, or
Speaker 1: you don't have any siblings that are with you.
Speaker 5: All of my siblings are four plus years older than me.
Speaker 5: And also it's really sad. My dad's kind of a
Speaker 5: shitty person. So I'm the only kid he's ever raised.
Speaker 5: Every other woman he had a kid with did not
Speaker 5: want him around the kid and hence took the kid.
Speaker 1: Interesting, why do you say that he's a shitty person?
Speaker 2: Narcissist?
Speaker 5: Abuse of bipolar anger is which you know, being mentally
Speaker 5: ill doesn't make you a bad person, but you know,
Speaker 5: you can't excuse awful and rude behavior towards people just
Speaker 5: because you're mentally ill.
Speaker 1: You know, So has he has he been?
Speaker 4: You know?
Speaker 1: Okay, so you're you're the youngest, correct, yes, And were
Speaker 1: you kind of the one where he was like, okay,
Speaker 1: I was shitty to all the other sort of opportunities,
Speaker 1: all the other daughters that I've had, and now they're
Speaker 1: older and they don't like me, but okay, here's one
Speaker 1: last chance, and I'm gonna really give it a shot.
Speaker 1: Or was he shitty to you as well?
Speaker 5: I don't think it was on purpose, you know, I
Speaker 5: got I was an accident. So he's like in his sixties,
Speaker 5: and he comes from that generation where they were told
Speaker 5: to shove down all their traumas so they didn't heal.
Speaker 5: So they're all like emotionally stunted. I haven't really figured out.
Speaker 5: My dad kind of avoids the question when I ask,
Speaker 5: like why he chose me, because he's he's like fifteen
Speaker 5: years older than my mom. My mom was an immigrant
Speaker 5: was the first year when she ended up having me,
Speaker 5: so she was still illegal at the time, and it
Speaker 5: was such a weird dynamic. He made me hate my
Speaker 5: mom growing up, and he vied to me for so long,
Speaker 5: and like his justification was that he got my mom
Speaker 5: deported to keep me here in America, because being raised
Speaker 5: in America is you know, so much better.
Speaker 1: He got your mom deported, But then yeah, he got
Speaker 1: your mind deported. How does him getting your mom deported
Speaker 1: keep you here?
Speaker 5: Well, no, no, no, it wasn't relevant in that it was
Speaker 5: just adding to the story of like my dad told
Speaker 5: me all these lies. So long story short, he just
Speaker 5: ended up doing a really bad job because he he's
Speaker 5: not the smartest man I've ever met, especially financially, so
Speaker 5: he's kind of always been poor.
Speaker 2: We grew up super poor, so.
Speaker 5: He was just working all the time. He would let
Speaker 5: out work anger on me because you know, super duper
Speaker 5: bad anger.
Speaker 1: Issues and has tried.
Speaker 5: But he did a really shitty job.
Speaker 1: Has your relationship with him improved at all or has
Speaker 1: it kind of stayed at the same shitty baseline for
Speaker 1: you know, most of your life.
Speaker 5: It changed for a few months, but it wasn't really real.
Speaker 5: He finally ended up meeting this girl, and it was
Speaker 5: a horrible situation.
Speaker 2: That's the whole other story.
Speaker 5: She moves in like two months after they met, and
Speaker 5: he just completely changes and he's talking to me nice.
Speaker 5: He's not cursing at me anymore. He does all these
Speaker 5: things for this woman. He would cook for her and
Speaker 5: he would clean, like my dad did not take care
Speaker 5: of me as a kid. My dad's best friend, who
Speaker 5: I called my uncle, is the person who basically raised
Speaker 5: me because he wasn't really a dad. So he was
Speaker 5: nice for a few months, and then she ended up
Speaker 5: ghosting him. She like stopped taking her meds, just packed
Speaker 5: up all her things one day, left blocked from everything,
Speaker 5: didn't even say anything, and he like completely broke and
Speaker 5: that was really hard to watch. And he kind of
Speaker 5: like reverted back, but into like an even worse version
Speaker 5: because he wasn't really just like angry anymore. He was
Speaker 5: like depressed, like super depressed.
Speaker 1: Where where is because in our relationship kind of your
Speaker 1: dad's uncle right now? Is he not your dad's but
Speaker 1: your uncle your dad's friend right now? Is he not
Speaker 1: in the picture?
Speaker 5: So my dad, being not the nicest guy, has this
Speaker 5: tendency to push everybody away and treat everybody really horribly,
Speaker 5: and right around the age of thirteen, they he already
Speaker 5: kind of treated him like shit. He was just super
Speaker 5: rude to him, ordered him around like a dog, you know.
Speaker 5: And one day my uncle's, one of my uncle's family
Speaker 5: members died. He didn't find out until two days before
Speaker 5: the funeral. Funerals in Illinois, which is like an eight
Speaker 5: hour drive, and he really wanted to go, and my
Speaker 5: dad was like, no, you can't go. You have to like,
Speaker 5: you have to stay here. We can't plan that. He's
Speaker 5: so mad that he just left anyway, you know, he
Speaker 5: went to the funeral and he comes back and my
Speaker 5: dad was literally pretending like he didn't exist. I remember,
Speaker 5: for a week straight, like he wouldn't acknowledge him, he
Speaker 5: wouldn't respond to him, he wouldn't talk to him. And
Speaker 5: one morning it was just like normal and I was
Speaker 5: getting ready for school and I just said bye, and
Speaker 5: he said, by, I see you after school. When I
Speaker 5: came home and all those things are packed and is gone,
Speaker 5: and I didn't hear from him for like five years.
Speaker 5: So now he's still in Illinois. He just got married,
Speaker 5: but we don't really talk like that.
Speaker 2: Anymore.
Speaker 1: So what has been keeping you taking care of your father?
Speaker 1: If you have had all these bad experiences with him?
Speaker 5: I think my only reasoning now, And I don't know
Speaker 5: why I feel this way. I feel like invalid for
Speaker 5: agreeing with everyone else, because like I talked to real therapists,
Speaker 5: and I've talked to my friends, and I talked to
Speaker 5: my mom, and everyone's just like you just to leave
Speaker 5: and cut this ma out of your life. You know,
Speaker 5: like he only drives me down. But it's like I
Speaker 5: feel bad because all he has and he's all alone,
Speaker 5: and I would not want to die alone. And so
Speaker 5: I just want to be their friends every day.
Speaker 1: You know, tell me more about you than your real
Speaker 1: therapists have told you about this.
Speaker 5: So she says, I have a abandonment issues, understandably, and
Speaker 5: I have a problem letting things go. And even when
Speaker 5: you know people hurt me, I justify it because I
Speaker 5: just see everybody is myself, you know, just a little
Speaker 5: human doing the best they can with the level of
Speaker 5: consciousness they have. And she thinks that I I need
Speaker 5: to keep him blocked out of my life, Like there
Speaker 5: are times but he's kicked me out so many times,
Speaker 5: and he'll blocked me for a few months and then
Speaker 5: unblocked me, you know, and he's like, why haven't you
Speaker 5: talked to me? And she always thinks I just need
Speaker 5: to keep him gone because you know, he does kind
Speaker 5: of bring me down sometimes, but I love him. I
Speaker 5: could never hate him.
Speaker 2: I don't know.
Speaker 5: I just don't agree with her on that standpoint. Yeah,
Speaker 5: Like she thinks she tells me I should put myself first,
Speaker 5: and I agreed with that. I always tried to, but
Speaker 5: this one thing, this one thing really goat me.
Speaker 1: Man, what one thing.
Speaker 5: My dad whole situation?
Speaker 1: Let me ask you this is there. You know what
Speaker 1: do you think you are giving up or sacrificing of
Speaker 1: yourself in your life, if anything, to take care of your.
Speaker 5: Dad, my mental health and my physical health okay, and
Speaker 5: time to be invested doing school work and also going
Speaker 5: to my actual jobs.
Speaker 1: Uh okay, so it's a lot.
Speaker 5: I haven't been to work the last few days. It's
Speaker 5: going to be a few more days. And like I've
Speaker 5: been financially independent since I was, you know, a young teen.
Speaker 5: So money is important because we live in a horrible
Speaker 5: time where everything is super expensive.
Speaker 1: Yeah, we do, we do? You know this is this
Speaker 1: is interesting. Yes, you are sacrificing a lot of yourself
Speaker 1: to take care of this guy who hasn't been great
Speaker 1: to you but is your father. You have lots of people,
Speaker 1: your therapist, people you know, with legitimate care and concern
Speaker 1: for you, who are telling you that you shouldn't be
Speaker 1: making those sacrifices, and you don't agree with them. It
Speaker 1: seems like there's a lot of dissonance between Okay, should
Speaker 1: I do this? Should I be doing this, my doing
Speaker 1: the right thing, and fuck I'm I'm I'm sitting here
Speaker 1: with you right now wondering the same exact thing.
Speaker 2: I think it's.
Speaker 5: Not really I think I have this feeling that I
Speaker 5: would feel guilty if I chose to leave and take
Speaker 5: care of myself, because he would just be dealing with strangers,
Speaker 5: you know. M.
Speaker 1: Well, you know again, I'm wrestling all of this in
Speaker 1: my head. I think that whatever you decide to do,
Speaker 1: I don't think you should feel guilty about it either way.
Speaker 1: I don't think that there is a.
Speaker 5: Cree well I haven't figured out. I haven't figured out
Speaker 5: how to not feel guilty about it. And see that's
Speaker 5: how I feel, because I'm like, well, it should be
Speaker 5: valid either way, because I am my own human. It's
Speaker 5: not like, you know, I asked to be born. It's
Speaker 5: not like he made me just to be his caretaker,
Speaker 5: you know, like I am my own individual. M. I
Speaker 5: don't know, man, you know something about human relationships and
Speaker 5: connections in the human brain being wired to care about
Speaker 5: other people.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I don't know.
Speaker 5: I don't know.
Speaker 1: It is it does make decisions hard because I'm sitting here.
Speaker 1: At least my thought process with this is like, you
Speaker 1: know what is important in life? Is it important to
Speaker 1: you that you sacrifice of yourself for other people, even
Speaker 1: if they don't deserve it, just because that's what you
Speaker 1: want to do. That's what you you know as a
Speaker 1: human being in a weird way, because yes, you are.
Speaker 1: You are your own human being and you get to
Speaker 1: make your decisions and justify them however you want. And
Speaker 1: with that you can make your executive decision that, you
Speaker 1: know what, it's important to me to sacrifice of myself
Speaker 1: for this guy, even if you might not deserve it,
Speaker 1: because that's just my life philosophy. That's how I feel
Speaker 1: I should live. And you know what, that would be okay,
Speaker 1: And it would also be just as okay for you
Speaker 1: to go, you know what, this guy doesn't deserve And it's
Speaker 1: important for me to figure out my own stuff because
Speaker 1: I'm young and I got to take care of myself
Speaker 1: here and I need to do these things that are
Speaker 1: important to me, and that's my life philosophy, and that
Speaker 1: would be okay too. And both of them are decisions
Speaker 1: that you would be making as your own independent person
Speaker 1: and as a person who gets to decide what is
Speaker 1: important to them in their life, and theo's are really
Speaker 1: hard decisions to make, especially very young. You know, I'm
Speaker 1: still making those decisions. Everyone listening to this is still
Speaker 1: making their decisions on what is important to them in life.
Speaker 1: It's hard to navigate, it, really really is. But I
Speaker 1: don't think either way. You know, the guilt seems like
Speaker 1: it's the big thing here. And I'm telling you, whichever
Speaker 1: thing you decide to do, you know, if you decide
Speaker 1: to take care of him and you feel guilty about
Speaker 1: nickol acting other aspects of your life, if you decide
Speaker 1: not to take care of him and you feel guilty
Speaker 1: about leaving him, the guilt to me has no place
Speaker 1: because you're sitting here, really truly, truly doing the best
Speaker 1: you can here. And this is a hard, hard thing
Speaker 1: and you're a thinking, feeling person doing the best you
Speaker 1: can with this situation. And so why I feel guilty
Speaker 1: When you did the best you could. You know everything
Speaker 1: that was in your control, you really gave patient, deep
Speaker 1: thought to it. You didn't just throw it by the wayside.
Speaker 1: You thought about this decision really long and really hard,
Speaker 1: and you made way. Ever, the best one was with
Speaker 1: the information and the feelings you had at the time,
Speaker 1: and I think that's a lot, and I don't think
Speaker 1: it's something to be, you know, feeling feeling guilty or
Speaker 1: or you know, regretful about whatever you decide, because you
Speaker 1: you really are doing your best here. I don't have
Speaker 1: any of that made sense, No, it.
Speaker 2: Made sense.
Speaker 5: It did make me think a little bit differently.
Speaker 1: Mm hmm.
Speaker 2: You're right.
Speaker 5: I am just doing the best I can with what
Speaker 5: I'm feeling, and I really want to put myself first.
Speaker 5: I think that's what I'm feeling. I think that's I've
Speaker 5: been feeling so bad mm hm, because I feel like
Speaker 5: that I have to do this for some like moral
Speaker 5: value or standard that I hold.
Speaker 1: Mm hmm.
Speaker 4: But I don't.
Speaker 1: No, go ahead, I want to. I want to hear
Speaker 1: the rest of your thoughts.
Speaker 2: I it is.
Speaker 5: I think it is okay if I am not emotionally
Speaker 5: capable of handing handling some things in my life mm hmm,
Speaker 5: even if they seem really detrimental. I think it is
Speaker 5: okay to know how much I can handle and be
Speaker 5: able to walk away from that. And I don't know
Speaker 5: why I've been impleheeing that.
Speaker 1: Mm hmm. I agree. I think that's okay too, because
Speaker 1: you're as you said you could you you know, you
Speaker 1: you get to make your own decisions about all these things.
Speaker 1: You know, there's no I mean, fuck this this moral
Speaker 1: standard that you're talking about, it's it's not defined by
Speaker 1: anyone except for you, and it can be malleable and
Speaker 1: you don't want it to, you know, hold you hostage
Speaker 1: to things that don't serve you.
Speaker 5: I don't know why I stopped living my life like that.
Speaker 5: I used to live my life like that all the time.
Speaker 5: To keeping the things in my life that served me.
Speaker 5: When they no longer serve.
Speaker 6: Me, I would let go.
Speaker 2: M I appreciate your validation.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I appreciate you being so vulnerable on the on
Speaker 1: the phone here with us.
Speaker 5: And I I feel a burden is not the word,
Speaker 5: maybe not like annoying, well maybe a little annoying.
Speaker 2: I feel.
Speaker 5: I feel really a note alone because I feel bad
Speaker 5: like talking to people about it, because it's just like,
Speaker 5: you know, like what can they say. It's just like, oh,
Speaker 5: like I'm sorry, Like that's awfully you know what I
Speaker 5: tell people, you know, they're like, oh, it's wrong, Like
Speaker 5: you've been down lately, You've been so busy, and it's like, oh,
Speaker 5: you know, my dad's in the hospital. I've been dealing
Speaker 5: with a lot of stuff when he when he kicked
Speaker 5: me out, I was I was homeless for like the
Speaker 5: last month and a half, and I don't what's that word.
Speaker 5: I guess I just felt embarrassed that that was my
Speaker 5: life even though I couldn't control it, you know, And
Speaker 5: so I've been struggling talking to people about it.
Speaker 1: M you talked to a therapist about it, don't you.
Speaker 2: I have not.
Speaker 5: So we actually had our last sex session like six
Speaker 5: months ago. The last time thought to her was about
Speaker 5: two weeks ago for by Fasta because you know, I
Speaker 5: needed like documentation of homelessness, and she's been around my
Speaker 5: dad has kicked me out so many times, so like,
Speaker 5: I didn't really talk to her, really explained it, like
Speaker 5: everything that was going on, and just put her to
Speaker 5: my situation so she could help me fill out some
Speaker 5: legal forms.
Speaker 1: H jess I. I again, I think you should do,
Speaker 1: you know, whatever you decide you're going to do. But uh,
Speaker 1: if you do decide that you are going to stop
Speaker 1: sacrificing the things that you've sacrificing and go and live
Speaker 1: your life, I want you to really lean into that
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. It sounds like you're holding
Speaker 1: on to like you're like embarrassed to talk about it.
Speaker 4: You know.
Speaker 1: It says you seem like you're embarrassed that you you
Speaker 1: were ever sacrificing any of those things. And it's not
Speaker 1: going to be as easy as just doing it. You know.
Speaker 1: Obviously you're working through a lot of emotional turmoil through this.
Speaker 1: But I hope you let that shit go because you're young,
Speaker 1: and you got a.
Speaker 6: Whole lot of lives ahead of you, and uh, I
Speaker 6: have all these great things I want to focus on.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, and I think that's really one of fun.
Speaker 1: I hope that you you let all that shit go
Speaker 1: and that you dive into to the the wonders of
Speaker 1: the life you have ahead of you. That's kind of
Speaker 1: my That's what I'm gonna.
Speaker 5: Try and start doing and not feel guilty about it.
Speaker 1: Good. Good, I'm glad to hear that.
Speaker 2: But I'm gonna do it.
Speaker 1: Good. I'm glad to hear that. I think I think
Speaker 1: you're going to do it too. M M.
Speaker 6: Just of course, thank you for like a year and
Speaker 6: a half.
Speaker 5: Yeah, Well, I meant to ask when I started the poll,
Speaker 5: how are you today.
Speaker 2: How are you doing?
Speaker 1: How am I doing? I'm I'm a gecko on the computer.
Speaker 1: I'm hanging out. I'm riding the way love life. But listen, Jess,
Speaker 1: you know, before we go, is there anything else that
Speaker 1: we didn't get to or anything else that you want
Speaker 1: to say to the people of the computer before we go?
Speaker 1: And I want to thank you again for sharing all
Speaker 1: of this.
Speaker 5: Thank you. I appreciate it. I wanted to shout myself
Speaker 5: out because yesterday it was my birthday and it was
Speaker 5: the first like actual fun birthday I've ever had. Usually
Speaker 5: my birthday suck, so my friends were there for me.
Speaker 5: And what I've been trying to learn since turning nineteen
Speaker 5: the last few hours is to live in the presence.
Speaker 2: You talk about this.
Speaker 5: Sometimes you're not just not just not being on the
Speaker 5: phone or Instagram school, but I mean actually absorbing all
Speaker 5: the information and appreciating.
Speaker 2: All these things.
Speaker 5: I took a lot of thanks for granted. And I'm
Speaker 5: really grateful that you answered my call. You're really lucky.
Speaker 1: Well, thank you for sharing, Jess, and sincerely, sincerely, good
Speaker 1: luck to you.
Speaker 2: Thank you, Lyle.
Speaker 1: You have a good day, you too.
Speaker 3: Hello, Hello, Hi, Hi, how are you I'm good.
Speaker 1: How are you.
Speaker 3: I'm doing okay.
Speaker 1: What's your name?
Speaker 3: My name is.
Speaker 1: Jesse, Jesse. What's going on with you today? Jesse?
Speaker 3: So, so I guess to start. There's so, my girlfriend
Speaker 3: and I have known each other for like six years,
Speaker 3: like since the start of high school until now, and
Speaker 3: during those six years we were like just friends, the
Speaker 3: best of friends. I got a huge crush on her,
Speaker 3: like pretty immediately, but I thought she didn't feel the same,
Speaker 3: so I just I had to get over my broken heart.
Speaker 3: About three years ago, we started just doing things like
Speaker 3: going out to movies together. We started getting dinner together,
Speaker 3: basically dating not dating, and then a month ago she
Speaker 3: asked me out. So now we are. But my problem
Speaker 3: is we both we both like talked about it, and
Speaker 3: we both want to because neither of us have had
Speaker 3: our first kiss before. But every time I try, like
Speaker 3: i'll hide myself up, I'll be like, I'll plan this
Speaker 3: whole thing out, I'll just let it do its thing,
Speaker 3: and then when the moment's right, I just go for it.
Speaker 3: But every time the moment hits, I get super cold
Speaker 3: feet and I completely abort the mission. And I don't
Speaker 3: know how to not do that because I really like her,
Speaker 3: and I think she really likes me, and she said
Speaker 3: that she wants me to be her first kiss too.
Speaker 5: So I don't know why we.
Speaker 3: Both keep getting cold feet.
Speaker 1: Interesting, I don't know why you guys keep getting cold
Speaker 1: feet either. So you both this is you and this
Speaker 1: you and this girl are dating.
Speaker 3: Yes, okay, we're both like very comfortable with each other.
Speaker 1: Okay, and yet neither and neither of you have have
Speaker 1: have have kissed each other before, or have kissed anyone before.
Speaker 3: Yes, I think the closest she's come is like she
Speaker 3: used to have a boyfriend and I think like he
Speaker 3: kissed her on the cheek and she hated its period.
Speaker 1: Okay, because that's the listen, because that's what I was thinking.
Speaker 1: Here is I mean, look, nowhere in the laws of
Speaker 1: how human beings must live their life does it state
Speaker 1: that you have to kiss anyone? You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: If you guys are just simply you know, you could
Speaker 1: be ace your thought about that.
Speaker 3: I don't know, because I know this is so.
Speaker 5: I know this is weird because we're both.
Speaker 3: We're both like so, we're both twenty one, we're both
Speaker 3: neither of us feel like this should be like a
Speaker 3: hard step for us to take because we're really comfortable
Speaker 3: with each other. And like I said, every time, I
Speaker 3: keep trying, like I work myself up and I'm like,
Speaker 3: I'm an adult, this is the night I'm gonna do
Speaker 3: it finally, and then at the last second, I feel
Speaker 3: like like a teenage boy, and I get so scared
Speaker 3: and I completely back.
Speaker 1: Out, what do you what are you scared of? Necessarily,
Speaker 1: if you could try real hard to think about it
Speaker 1: and put it into words.
Speaker 3: I get I guess I'm scared that. Like she when
Speaker 3: she said this, like she had a guy kiss around
Speaker 3: the cheek and she super hated it. She like really
Speaker 3: stressed that point. Okay, And I guess I really don't
Speaker 3: I like it. It feels like we should know what
Speaker 3: we're doing. So it feels like when that moment happens,
Speaker 3: like I should just know what I'm doing. I should
Speaker 3: go for it and stop being such a.
Speaker 2: Baby about it.
Speaker 3: And I guess I want it.
Speaker 5: Sounds so like.
Speaker 3: Childish, but like I want to give her a good
Speaker 3: first kids.
Speaker 1: Okay, So her boyfriend kissed her on the cheek and
Speaker 1: she hated it. M hm, does she just not and
Speaker 1: and that freaks you out because you don't want to
Speaker 1: kiss her and have her hate it.
Speaker 3: I guess, so yeah, do you and I.
Speaker 1: Go ahead? And what are you gonna say?
Speaker 3: And I like, I've asked friends about this and they
Speaker 3: all they to the point where they I think they're
Speaker 3: getting frustrated because I keep mentioning it makes you keep
Speaker 3: saying just do it, And I don't know why I
Speaker 3: can't just get over it and just do it. And
Speaker 3: I'm pretty sure she feels the same.
Speaker 1: Okay, let's really break down when you say get over it.
Speaker 1: Let's really break down what it is that we're getting
Speaker 1: over here, like okay, the fear, break it down for me,
Speaker 1: and whatever words you you feel like you can use,
Speaker 1: because you know, I asked you that earlier and you said,
Speaker 1: you know, you just kind of you just kind of
Speaker 1: mentioned that you know her, You mentioned stuff about, you know,
Speaker 1: her boyfriend kiss her and she hated it. But I
Speaker 1: feel like I didn't, you know, really be honest with
Speaker 1: yourself here, because I feel like I didn't really get
Speaker 1: a good answer to that question about what's going on
Speaker 1: in your head specifically, So do your best to be
Speaker 1: honest with that answer.
Speaker 3: I think I think it scares me because like I
Speaker 3: I really don't want to like try it kiss it.
Speaker 3: Like I know that nobody's first kiss is perfect, and
Speaker 3: I know that, like even though we're both like we're
Speaker 3: both pretty old compared to like everybody else's first kiss.
Speaker 5: I get.
Speaker 3: I guess it feels like there's an expectation that like, yeah,
Speaker 3: it's not gonna be perfect, but it feels like we
Speaker 3: really should like know what we're doing, and it feels
Speaker 3: like the I guess, like the moment I get to
Speaker 3: the moment of wanting to kiss her and then I
Speaker 3: completely freak out and back out.
Speaker 2: I guess that's just.
Speaker 3: I'm like avoiding not wanting to mess it up. I
Speaker 3: guess I'm avoiding wanting to give her a really bad
Speaker 3: kiss and having a terrible time.
Speaker 1: Okay, great, okay, great, great, great. So it is it's
Speaker 1: a from a fear of failure in a.
Speaker 3: Sense, I guess it is.
Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, and it's from a fear of failure due
Speaker 1: to like a crushing weight of expectations of how things
Speaker 1: should be at a certain age and in a certain situation.
Speaker 3: Yeah, now that sounds really right.
Speaker 1: Okay, all right, great, all right, so cool, Now we
Speaker 1: know what we're dealing with. Yeah, wow, yeah, have you
Speaker 1: talked to her about that?
Speaker 3: But sort of we keep saying it in a joking
Speaker 3: matter where like, oh my gosh, well, why are we
Speaker 3: both so scared of this?
Speaker 6: Haha?
Speaker 3: But she keeps saying that she would like to kiss
Speaker 3: me and I kiss her.
Speaker 2: As cheesy as it.
Speaker 1: Sounds, well, listen these expectations of how things should be.
Speaker 1: Forget about the kissing thing for a while. It's just
Speaker 1: the general I just think, you know, Jesse, your life
Speaker 1: in general is going to be better if you abandon
Speaker 1: the expectations of how things should be in a certain situation,
Speaker 1: just in general, forget about the specific situation that you're in,
Speaker 1: but in general living by the Again, the expectations of
Speaker 1: how things should be at a certain age in a
Speaker 1: certain situation is just something that would would be of
Speaker 1: great benefit to get over. Nobody gets over it completely,
Speaker 1: but you work on it a little bit day by day,
Speaker 1: and the expectations become a little bit less heavy. And so,
Speaker 1: if anything, look at this as a situation as an
Speaker 1: opportunity to say, you know what, I really genuinely don't
Speaker 1: care what other people think I should be, have done
Speaker 1: or should be doing by the age of twenty one
Speaker 1: in my particular romantic situation, I really don't fucking care
Speaker 1: because I live my own life.
Speaker 5: Yeah.
Speaker 1: And then you and and same to this this, this
Speaker 1: girl that you're with, as you should feel empowered in
Speaker 1: this similar way. And I hope that both of you
Speaker 1: summon that empowerment and then do the thing that you
Speaker 1: are desiring to do but afraid to do.
Speaker 3: Yees think I think that makes sense.
Speaker 1: Good? Good, Yeah. I like this as an opportunity to
Speaker 1: be That's why I wear the gecko costume unassuming Jesse,
Speaker 1: is there anything else you want to say to the
Speaker 1: people of the computer before we go?
Speaker 3: I hope you all have good days, I guess. Thank
Speaker 3: you again, this was very helpful.
Speaker 1: Good stuff to hear that, and good luck to you
Speaker 1: in your endeavors in the future, romantic or otherwise.
Speaker 3: Yeah, thank you by everyone.
Speaker 1: That was interesting. I think that was an interesting micro
Speaker 1: cosm of this situation where expectations societally about again what
Speaker 1: you should be doing in a certain situation at a
Speaker 1: certain age just are like paralyzing. And that's a whole
Speaker 1: I mean, even in that situation, it's a whole thing
Speaker 1: to get over. But that's just a general thing that
Speaker 1: a lot of people in a lot of situations have.
Speaker 1: It's important to get over. It's something I have myself,
Speaker 1: a lot of people have it, and so this just
Speaker 1: felt like a little in her life in her life.
Speaker 1: Hopefully getting over this kissing thing helps her good over that,
Speaker 1: you know, dealing with other people's expectations in a variety
Speaker 1: of situations both her and this other girl might experience
Speaker 1: in her life. And so I hope it's it's fruitful
Speaker 1: in that way. I am a gecko. What is your name?
Speaker 1: What's going on with you? Ryan?
Speaker 4: Not much? Not much, just hanging out. I saw the
Speaker 4: morning stream notification pop out. I was like, ah shit,
Speaker 4: And usually when I call it just it just goes
Speaker 4: straight to line is busy. So I was like, well
Speaker 4: fuck it, and then I called this time and it
Speaker 4: went straight through the go shit, you're on God situation.
Speaker 1: It's just here that you have a theory that you
Speaker 1: would like to talk about called Frogner's glory hole.
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, yeah, Okay. So I told this to the
Speaker 4: guys I work, and it didn't really go the way
Speaker 4: I wanted it to be perceived. So I got a
Speaker 4: question for you. So let's say you're actually I'm not
Speaker 4: even gonna put up a place. It's superpop kids. So
Speaker 4: you're getting a blowjob, the best one you've ever had,
Speaker 4: or you get the offer for one.
Speaker 6: Right, So.
Speaker 4: The deal is you don't like, you get blindfolded and
Speaker 4: you don't ever get to know what it is. Do
Speaker 4: you try to look or do you just decline the offer?
Speaker 1: Okay, so you are blindfolded getting the best blow job
Speaker 1: of your life? Could you should you look or not look?
Speaker 1: That's what you're asking?
Speaker 4: Well, I mean, okay, so there's there's rules, of course,
Speaker 4: but my first question is would you attempt to look
Speaker 4: or would you just The rules are that if you look,
Speaker 4: it just disappears. But I would like to know if
Speaker 4: you're natural cure curiosity, would you get the best of
Speaker 4: you or would you just take the nut for what
Speaker 4: it is?
Speaker 1: I H so I feel like it would be I
Speaker 1: feel like it would be beneficial. See, it's hard. It's
Speaker 1: hard because you know, on one hand, it's like the blindfoldedness,
Speaker 1: the mystery of it could be a large contributing factor
Speaker 1: to the sexual experience as a whole. Right, So regardless
Speaker 1: of what you see when you take the blindfold off,
Speaker 1: you are now removing a strong variable that that could
Speaker 1: have been an important variable in the pleasure of the blowjob.
Speaker 1: Does that make sense?
Speaker 5: Right?
Speaker 1: So to look would be to crumble the entire experience
Speaker 1: that is making would to look would be to remove
Speaker 1: what could possibly be an important variable into how much
Speaker 1: pleasure you are receiving. That's that's one way of looking
Speaker 1: at it. The other way of looking at it is
Speaker 1: you are receiving, you know, a lot of pleasure. Is
Speaker 1: the best blow job of your life? Perhaps when you
Speaker 1: take off the blindfold and you see what is going
Speaker 1: on down there, it actually gives you greater insight site
Speaker 1: that you can use. You know, maybe maybe the blindfoldedness,
Speaker 1: maybe the lack of sensory you know, of being able
Speaker 1: to see, was not the important variable. And you look
Speaker 1: down and you go, oh, that is actually what is
Speaker 1: making this feel so powerful. And and then you can
Speaker 1: use that moving forward as knowledge for what makes you, uh,
Speaker 1: you know, sexually pique. And it's it's it's hard to tell.
Speaker 1: It's really a gamble either way. Does that Does that
Speaker 1: anything that I said just make sense?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 4: Yeah, but I always it. Okay, So now now let's
Speaker 4: get on onto. What is it called grap tacks? The rule? Okay,
Speaker 4: so number one rule is you'll never know what it is.
Speaker 4: It could be a fucking robot, it could be some
Speaker 4: guy down the street, to your neighbor, it's it's anybody.
Speaker 4: It's an open it's an open table. But you never know.
Speaker 4: And see, whenever I brought that up, everybody at work
Speaker 4: was like, that's gay. What if it's a guy? I said,
Speaker 4: you can't. I was like, that's not the point of
Speaker 4: the fucking question. It's either it's either yes or no question.
Speaker 1: You know, no, but but hold on, hold on, okay,
Speaker 1: but but hold on. What if? But here's the thing.
Speaker 1: What if it is a guy and it is gay?
Speaker 1: But then you're like, oh, I like getting blowjobs from guys,
Speaker 1: And then you know that about yourself now, and then
Speaker 1: you go on and you you live a happier life
Speaker 1: with that knowledge, and.
Speaker 4: There's none wrong with that. I'm just saying, like, you
Speaker 4: cannot you cannot deny what you don't know.
Speaker 1: I don't understand this game anymore.
Speaker 4: Okay, Now, it's just a just a hypothetical question that
Speaker 4: I randomly made.
Speaker 1: A how many how many different groups of people to
Speaker 1: walk out of this by Ryan.
Speaker 4: About two.
Speaker 1: Okay, by the way, you said this, this theory is
Speaker 1: called Frogner's glory hole. Who is Frogner?
Speaker 4: Sure you don't know who Shrogman is? Like Schroding here,
Speaker 4: that's his name? Fuck? Ryan?
Speaker 1: You high right now?
Speaker 6: Yeah?
Speaker 4: No, I like this, my guy.
Speaker 1: I'm not sure what you just said. O love there
Speaker 1: you go, right. I'm gonna let you get back to
Speaker 1: whatever it is you were doing before you called.
Speaker 4: The day you do.
Speaker 1: What's your name? I'm Josh, Josh Josh. It says here that, uh,
Speaker 1: you you recently waterboarded your friend at the beach the
Speaker 1: other day because on my podcast I said that waterboarding
Speaker 1: is not that bad.
Speaker 7: That is true, That's correct.
Speaker 1: Okay, all right, So I do remember saying that. I
Speaker 1: do remember saying that, why and I remember saying that
Speaker 1: because it's just water. So tell me what happened.
Speaker 7: Tell me tell the guy you waterboarded.
Speaker 1: Oh you're the guy who got water Kyle. Okay, yes, okay,
Speaker 1: all right, So tell us was it that bad? Because
Speaker 1: I do remember saying that on the podcast.
Speaker 4: It was it was worse.
Speaker 7: The reason I let him do it was because I
Speaker 7: also thought that it wasn't that bad, every bit as
Speaker 7: bad as.
Speaker 4: I thought it would be.
Speaker 1: Even though you're saying that, I still don't believe it's that.
Speaker 7: I will tell you I don't understand the signs behind it.
Speaker 7: But the way that it happened is it's it like
Speaker 7: shoots the water right up your knockcause you're spot to
Speaker 7: lay back and it shoots the water up nose to
Speaker 7: the back of your throat.
Speaker 4: It's miserable.
Speaker 8: Well, I can tell you I did this to him,
Speaker 8: and I do not think I could handle having someone
Speaker 8: do it to myself. He last half a seat for
Speaker 8: I thought he was gonna throw up.
Speaker 7: I just turned away.
Speaker 4: It was rough.
Speaker 8: I I've always assumed to be like putting a rag
Speaker 8: on your face in the shower, and it's not that.
Speaker 7: It's not that at all.
Speaker 1: I thought that, okay, So like, yeah, if you could
Speaker 1: take a shower and let's say you have a washcloth
Speaker 1: and you put it over your face and then you
Speaker 1: look up at the shower head while it's running, is
Speaker 1: that not the same thing as being waterboarded.
Speaker 7: It's it's not because the water has to run backwards,
Speaker 7: like up your face a little bit. Because when they
Speaker 7: do it, they laid you down. Flat, and I guess
Speaker 7: the way that like your nose is it kind of
Speaker 7: like you know, goes up backwards into your face, and
Speaker 7: so the water runs right up your nose, up your nostrils.
Speaker 7: I'm seriously, it's way worse than it looks like it was,
Speaker 7: because I didn't think it looked that bad even That's
Speaker 7: why I let them do it.
Speaker 1: Well, I gotta say, I feel really powerful having influenced
Speaker 1: you guys to do that.
Speaker 7: Well, So we actually had done it before you said that,
Speaker 7: and I heard it the other day and I was
Speaker 7: just telling him before you went live. I was telling
Speaker 7: him I like, he said that it wasn't that bad,
Speaker 7: and I knew that that wasn't true.
Speaker 8: We were re listening to your podcast and then you
Speaker 8: came live, and we immediately started trying to tell over.
Speaker 4: Like we have to we have to correct him.
Speaker 7: With let him know how awful it truly is.
Speaker 1: Okay, So you guys had you guys did this before
Speaker 1: I said it?
Speaker 7: Uh, we did it like four years ago. It was
Speaker 7: in a hotel bathroom, okay.
Speaker 1: And how did it go?
Speaker 5: Then you were at the beach?
Speaker 7: I really I didn't last like I said, it was
Speaker 7: like a half a second, and then I had to.
Speaker 7: I just turned my head away.
Speaker 4: It was it was rough.
Speaker 1: So I guess after four years you'd forgotten what it
Speaker 1: felt like and you decided to do it again.
Speaker 7: No, no, no, no, no, We've only done it once.
Speaker 7: I remember clearly what it felt like. I'm not going
Speaker 7: to do it again.
Speaker 1: Oh Okay, I'm getting confused by if I'm talking to
Speaker 1: the person that just doing the water boarding or who
Speaker 1: was waterboarding.
Speaker 7: But I'm just talking to the person that was waterboarding.
Speaker 1: Okay, Well, I'm gonna have to. I'm gonna have to.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna probably get somebody to waterboard me at some point,
Speaker 1: because I really I don't believe either of you guys.
Speaker 1: I still think it's it's just fucking water.
Speaker 7: Do it.
Speaker 1: I'll do it, and I'll come back and I'll talk
Speaker 1: about it on here. I'll let you guys know if
Speaker 1: I if it was that bad, because it's just water,
Speaker 1: how bad can it be?
Speaker 7: Well, Well, people drowning water, right, and this simulates drowning,
Speaker 7: and that's not a very enjoyable experience.
Speaker 1: I don't get how people drown in water. That doesn't
Speaker 1: make a lot of.
Speaker 6: Sense to me.
Speaker 1: I love having a podcast can you just say whatever?
Speaker 1: That's what people do on these pat You ever listen
Speaker 1: to Joe rogany just says stuff and I'm like, oh,
Speaker 1: you can just I mean, you can just go on
Speaker 1: the internet say stuff. It's amazing, guys. Is there anything
Speaker 1: you want to say to the people of the computer
Speaker 1: before you go?
Speaker 8: If you had the opportunity get waterboarded?
Speaker 1: Okay, oh thank you guys. I appreciate you.
Speaker 8: Have a good night, but thank you you too.
Speaker 1: I mean, seriously, you can if you have a pot,
Speaker 1: you can just say stuff and people will be like, yeah,
Speaker 1: it's pretty wild. Joe Rogan will just be like, do
Speaker 1: you all monkeys? And I Joe go and be like
Speaker 1: I heard all that every monkey in the Amazon rainforest
Speaker 1: has have a tightest sea And people are like, oh, yeah, no,
Speaker 1: I heard that too.
Speaker 7: Goes on the line every night every teaching you, but
Speaker 7: he's not really an expert.