Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central. We're gonna shift gears just
Speaker 1: a little bit and talk about another pressing issue that's
Speaker 1: been in the news, global warming. There's been some recent
Speaker 1: disturbing reports on that front coming from the Arctic Circle.
Speaker 1: With more, we turn to our resident expert, John Hodgman. John,
Speaker 1: thank you so much for joining us. Appreciate it. I'm
Speaker 1: what is the general picture today concerning global warming.
Speaker 2: Well, the consensus position among most scientists is it's getting
Speaker 2: hot in here, so take off all your.
Speaker 1: Clothes, right, But why specifically do the scientists think that specifically?
Speaker 2: Well, new findings revealed that in the past five years,
Speaker 2: the glaciers around Greenland have melted at twice their previous rate. Now,
Speaker 2: this map the contours of the Arctic glacial masses as
Speaker 2: they exist today. But at this rate of glacial retreat,
Speaker 2: within only three generations, the seas could rise as much
Speaker 2: as a meter, changing the map dramatically.
Speaker 1: When you say dramatically, you were talking about the change
Speaker 1: of the water.
Speaker 3: Level or that explosion between the two of them, the maps.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it was very dramatic.
Speaker 1: That was a dramatic change.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 1: The arrows on that chart is that wildlife migrating.
Speaker 2: No, those are unfrozen cavemen moving from place to place.
Speaker 2: We estimate that there are perhaps twenty thousand prehistoric hunter
Speaker 2: gatherers frozen up in those glaciers. Now, if they simply
Speaker 2: thaw and wander around, it's not a problem. But if
Speaker 2: they find a leader, a captain caveman if you want,
Speaker 2: we will be facing an even more serious problem.
Speaker 1: So the problems that you foresee with global warming are
Speaker 1: rising sea levels, yes, and organized flesh eating cavemen.
Speaker 2: Potentially organized yes, And all because you didn't buy a
Speaker 2: hybrid car this year.
Speaker 1: Wow. Incredible, A small thing like that, it's like a
Speaker 1: butterfly effect, if you will, I'm sorry, what a butterfly?
Speaker 1: The butterfly like that? Saying a butterfly flaps its wing
Speaker 1: in China and causes a hurricane, say in Peru.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I don't think a butterfly could actually do that.
Speaker 2: Maybe a gigantic butterfly, like some kind of Mathra type creature,
Speaker 2: But that's a very different problem. And I want to
Speaker 2: assure you people that the Mathra problem is something we
Speaker 2: have completely under control.
Speaker 1: John, Why isn't the government, our government doing more to
Speaker 1: fight this global warming?
Speaker 2: Well, this administration feels that the areas of the nation
Speaker 2: their most concerned about Houston, Sun Valley, Scottsdale.
Speaker 3: They'll all be just fine.
Speaker 2: Of course, Manhattan will be more or less a swim
Speaker 2: up bar for Long Island and New Jersey.
Speaker 3: But basically that's what it is now. Anyway.
Speaker 1: Is that why the administration doesn't urge us to drive
Speaker 1: less or reduce emissions or really anything.
Speaker 2: Well, the President's position is the answer isn't regulation but
Speaker 2: American ingenuity.
Speaker 1: So we're just going to wait for someone to solve it.
Speaker 2: No, no, no, This administration is very proactive, using genetic testing.
Speaker 2: They've already isolated two young children whom they think have
Speaker 2: the best chance of solving the global warming crisis, most
Speaker 2: likely through some kind of anti global warming machine, an
Speaker 2: aerosol spray of some kind, or a gel anyway.
Speaker 3: To keep them safe.
Speaker 2: They've been placed in a raft on stilts, given some
Speaker 2: science books but no television, and they can't get off
Speaker 2: until one of them cracks this nut.
Speaker 1: Which child do you think we'll do it?
Speaker 2: Oh? My money's on the kid with the bigger head
Speaker 2: between you and me.
Speaker 3: I think that other one is unfrozen caveman food.
Speaker 1: All right, John Hodgman. Everybody, We'll be right back after
Speaker 1: that for more of this concept. We turned a resident
Speaker 1: Act for John Hodgmen. John, of course, thank you very
Speaker 1: much for joining us.
Speaker 2: Oh not at all, John, it's my privilege to be here.
Speaker 2: My executive privilege.
Speaker 3: I still got it, John, what a.
Speaker 1: What is executive privilege?
Speaker 2: Executive privilege is a special right of privacy asserted by
Speaker 2: presidents when they don't want you to hear about something
Speaker 2: bad they did.
Speaker 1: It's it's as simple as that.
Speaker 2: Oh yes, It's similar to claiming the fifth or in
Speaker 2: medieval times, tagging a priest and yelling sanctuary.
Speaker 3: At that point, the priest was it.
Speaker 1: But presidents don't just invoke it to cover up something bad.
Speaker 3: Well think about it.
Speaker 2: How often will the president say, oh, my god, these
Speaker 2: memos prove I've behaved ethically throughout my term of office.
Speaker 2: Destroy them.
Speaker 3: No.
Speaker 2: Presidents invoke it in cases ranging from burglary to sex
Speaker 2: to racing dogs for money in the White House bowling alley.
Speaker 1: Are you suggesting there was a president who raced dogs
Speaker 1: for money in the White House bowling alley?
Speaker 2: I'm not suggesting it. That would violate executive privilege. Instead,
Speaker 2: I'm showing you this photo. Do you know what makes
Speaker 2: bowling Alley dog racing so excited exciting is that they're pause,
Speaker 2: don't get any traction on the wax.
Speaker 1: You know the White House bowling Alley only has one lane.
Speaker 3: Yes, that's what's wrong with that photo.
Speaker 2: You're right, good eye.
Speaker 1: My point is this, John, Is this practice legal?
Speaker 2: Well, it's not really clear. The words executive privilege never
Speaker 2: appear in the Constitution. Still, presidents have been asserting it
Speaker 2: since the birth of our nation in fifteen twenty.
Speaker 1: Two seventeen seventy six.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and Pluto's a planet.
Speaker 2: It goes all the way back to our so called
Speaker 2: first president, George Washington, who cited it regarding foreign policy.
Speaker 2: So did Thomas Jefferson regarding his love letters to Aaron Burr.
Speaker 2: James Garfield claimed executive privilege to keep doctors from removing
Speaker 2: the assassin's bullet that was lodged and his enters for
Speaker 2: four months. Funny story about Garfield. In the end, he
Speaker 2: died of sepsis not too soon?
Speaker 1: What John. By the seventies, though, there was also Richard.
Speaker 3: Nixon Interesting go on, well, no, I mean.
Speaker 1: Richard Nixley was famously claiming executive privileged, Watergate, and so
Speaker 1: much with the secrecy, although ironically rigging his office with
Speaker 1: microphones and tape recording every word. I mean, ifs so
Speaker 1: facto actually literally causing his.
Speaker 2: Own downfall, fascinating.
Speaker 3: Did you know that Richard Nixon owned one of the
Speaker 3: first cell phones in the United States?
Speaker 1: Really?
Speaker 3: No, and we're back now.
Speaker 2: The reason presidents claim executive privilege is to protect the
Speaker 2: public from knowing how it's being governed. There's some truth
Speaker 2: you just don't want to know. It would be like
Speaker 2: walking on with your parents while they're having sex with
Speaker 2: one of your teachers. Stark.
Speaker 1: But obviously this president is claiming executive privilege because that's
Speaker 1: the only way he says he can get unfettered advice.
Speaker 3: Well, there's something to that.
Speaker 2: I mean, here we are with all these people, we're
Speaker 2: not interacting in the same way we would be private.
Speaker 1: Well, you know, John, I don't I don't necessarily know
Speaker 1: about that.
Speaker 2: I think so you wouldn't mind if I played back
Speaker 2: our conversation that I taped earlier in your office this afternoon.
Speaker 2: What conversation I think you know, the one, Chuck, Can
Speaker 2: we roll it please?
Speaker 1: I'll tell you the laugh by perhaps you should.
Speaker 2: Pick one out of the audience and strangle him.
Speaker 4: I think that's legal.
Speaker 3: Take one from the standby line.
Speaker 4: Who will miss them?
Speaker 2: I remember, no more striped ties, red tie, tonight red,
Speaker 2: the color of blood.
Speaker 4: I'll show Jews, homosexuals.
Speaker 3: I do stand by my advice that down that the tile.
Speaker 1: It's great, Shall Hodgman, everybody will be right back. America's
Speaker 1: hottest new pastime is something called mixed martial arts or MMA.
Speaker 1: A few weeks ago, Ultimate Fighting the sports premiere tournament
Speaker 1: Grace the cover of Sports Illustrated. It's weekly ratings now
Speaker 1: eclipsing those of NBA and Baseball playoffs amongst young men.
Speaker 1: For more, I'm joined by our resident expert, John Hodgman. John,
Speaker 1: thanks for.
Speaker 2: Quitting glad to be here.
Speaker 1: Thank you for joining us on this topic. I was
Speaker 1: somewhat surprised to learn that you're an expert in this field.
Speaker 2: Oh absolutely, I'm trained in all the martial arts and
Speaker 2: the marshal crafts, from from jiu jitsu to Brazilian capoeira
Speaker 2: to the Israeli Kravmaga to the Danish martial art of havarte.
Speaker 2: Haarte is a mild cheese, right, yes, but on the
Speaker 2: right cracker, it can be deadly.
Speaker 1: It seems like mixed martial arts is really sort of
Speaker 1: exploding and coming into its own How did all this
Speaker 1: get started?
Speaker 2: Well, John, you might be surprised to learn that fighting
Speaker 2: has actually been around for a while in all of
Speaker 2: its various separate forms, boxing, wrestling, passive aggression.
Speaker 1: Passive aggression is considered its own sport.
Speaker 3: You don't really want to know.
Speaker 2: But mixed martial arts, as you might imagine, combines many
Speaker 2: different fighting techniques. A well rounded fighter will combine many styles.
Speaker 2: Or you can choose from a menu of up to
Speaker 2: twelve combat combos. I recommend the number five. It's judo
Speaker 2: plus a side order of repeated elbow punching to the
Speaker 2: neck and unlimited fountain soda. I don't recall that actually
Speaker 2: at combos, John, the important thing is two men enter
Speaker 2: the ring, but only one man. Well, they both both
Speaker 2: men leave the ring, but only one of them does
Speaker 2: so having won the fight. But I say ring, of course,
Speaker 2: because it's actually a cage, a cage that is shaped
Speaker 2: as an octagon.
Speaker 1: Now I read about that. Why is it that the
Speaker 1: cage is in the octagonal.
Speaker 3: Form, Well, that's a good question. What do you think?
Speaker 1: I don't. I don't really know. You were the expert,
Speaker 1: so I thought that.
Speaker 2: Think it through, John, If you wanted people to fight
Speaker 2: in an eight sided cage, wouldn't the natural choice of
Speaker 2: shape be an octagon. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not.
Speaker 2: I'm not trying to embarrass you. It's just you asked
Speaker 2: a question like that.
Speaker 1: Let's say the octagon go. Let's just let it go.
Speaker 1: Why why is this.
Speaker 2: Sport so popular all of a sudden, Well, first of all,
Speaker 2: this is not stage. It's not professional wrestling or soccer.
Speaker 2: These are real men, really going at it on the
Speaker 2: floor of an octagon. I mean, it's no wonder that
Speaker 2: millions of Americans are forsaking the bloated pomposity of older
Speaker 2: sports for ultimate fightings, more authentic brand of homo eroticism.
Speaker 2: Those moves are beautiful. That's dancing as much as it
Speaker 2: is fighting. It's very graceful.
Speaker 1: I watch these. I'm not here to say that violent
Speaker 1: sports are bad.
Speaker 2: Good, because if you did, I'd have to whoa whoa easy, easy, Copernicus.
Speaker 2: Don't you don't you get started, Kepler. I'm sorry, but
Speaker 2: these guys, but.
Speaker 1: I know they're gentlemen and scholars. Boxing, wrestling, karate are
Speaker 1: compelling because they have strict rules traditions. Combining all that
Speaker 1: loses the form and the artistry. Why combine them?
Speaker 3: Well, why combine us cell phone with a camera.
Speaker 1: But that's a good question. That's my point. You just
Speaker 1: end up with a crappy phone and a crappy camera.
Speaker 2: Okay, you win this round, but let me say this.
Speaker 2: It then fits in your pocket. John, And isn't that
Speaker 2: the promise of America's melting pot.
Speaker 1: You're suggesting mixed martial arts is a metaphor for America.
Speaker 5: Whoa, whoa, easy, it's my it's my training.
Speaker 1: You would have thought that we would have choreographed that.
Speaker 1: And yet and yet no, I'm not.
Speaker 2: I'm not, no, John, I'm suggesting that mixed martial arts
Speaker 2: is a metaphor for a cell phone camera, which in
Speaker 2: turn represents America.
Speaker 3: What better emblem for our nation? After all? Then elevelth playing.
Speaker 2: Field shaped like an octagon where people of diverse cultural
Speaker 2: ass kicking traditions can meet as equals and immediately start
Speaker 2: kicking ass. I will so to the cage, then, no, sir,
Speaker 2: not to the cage.
Speaker 1: We'll be right back thanks to John Hodgman, everybody or
Speaker 1: from where We're joined by Daily Show resident expert John Hodgman. John,
Speaker 1: thank you so much for joy us.
Speaker 2: Obviously, economics really.
Speaker 1: One of your economics, one of your many fields of expertise,
Speaker 1: maybe one of your top fields. Are we in a recession?
Speaker 1: A slow down, a difficult headwind?
Speaker 4: What is it?
Speaker 1: John?
Speaker 2: Well? John, Most economists define a recession as two consecutive
Speaker 2: quarters of negative growth, while others look for widespread decline
Speaker 2: and key indicators such as retail sales, employment and real GDP.
Speaker 1: Amateurs, Well, which method do you prefer?
Speaker 2: Well, I'm a little more old school, John, that's just
Speaker 2: how roll to me. The most tried and true method
Speaker 2: for determining if you're in a recession begins with this
Speaker 2: little device right here.
Speaker 1: Wow, and an antique stock ticker.
Speaker 3: That's more than that.
Speaker 2: It's an antique stock ticker with a canary inside. As
Speaker 2: long as long as this bird is alive, the economy
Speaker 2: is doing just fine.
Speaker 1: John, I don't think that the bird is doing well.
Speaker 2: Oh no, no, no, no, he's fine. He's just taking
Speaker 2: a little investment.
Speaker 3: Nap.
Speaker 2: Come on, wake up their money beak, come on, wake up? Okay,
Speaker 2: that's that's no good.
Speaker 1: So this means we're in a recession.
Speaker 2: Well, let's not be hasty. It's hard to see a
Speaker 2: recession even when you're in one. The last recession, after all,
Speaker 2: begin in March of two thousand and one. The economists
Speaker 2: didn't realize it until eight months later when they had
Speaker 2: to boil their calendars to make soup.
Speaker 1: Really, that's what they had Bill.
Speaker 3: Yes, really, I said it didn't.
Speaker 1: I indeed you did.
Speaker 2: Unfortunately, that means the only way to determine if we're
Speaker 2: in a recession now is to travel into the future.
Speaker 1: Obviously we can't do that.
Speaker 3: Well, of course we can't. I only have one time helmet.
Speaker 2: Turn it on. There we go now, if you'll excuse me,
Speaker 2: I'll be right back to the future. Wow.
Speaker 3: Oh, look, the future is just as I predicted it.
Speaker 1: John H.
Speaker 6: John, Don.
Speaker 1: John John.
Speaker 2: That's weird.
Speaker 3: I thought I heard a voice from.
Speaker 2: The past, but he's dead. He died in the Great
Speaker 2: Plague of the end of this March two thousand and eight.
Speaker 1: John, Is there a recession?
Speaker 2: Oh right, right, Well, let's see. Things seem pretty stable
Speaker 2: around here. I'm I'm employed, obviously, that's always a good indicator,
Speaker 2: and it's Oh no, what's that? Oh no, no, it's
Speaker 2: face vaders. No no, no, no, camera one. Take me
Speaker 2: back to the past.
Speaker 1: That was that was exciting.
Speaker 3: That was a close one.
Speaker 1: And may I say the special effects in the future
Speaker 1: are amazing.
Speaker 2: You know, well technology is advanced substantially by.
Speaker 1: Then, yes it has. Did you find anything out about
Speaker 1: the recession while you were.
Speaker 2: Oh no, no, I didn't find anything. Then oh that
Speaker 2: Pamela Anderson gets married again. That woman is crazy.
Speaker 1: Does it really matter whether we call it a recession
Speaker 1: or not.
Speaker 2: Absolutely? You don't want to panic people.
Speaker 1: But it's it's just semantics, exactly.
Speaker 3: Words matter, John.
Speaker 2: When people find out that their homes are being foreclosed,
Speaker 2: they're typically very sad. But if you tell them they're
Speaker 2: going camping forever, moneybeak, you're alive. Maybe the economy is
Speaker 2: turning around. Oh no, no, he's still dead. I forgot
Speaker 2: put money Beak on my ringtone.
Speaker 1: Well, thank you very much, John, money beak. All right,
Speaker 1: we'll talk to you matter, John Hodgson. Everybody will be
Speaker 1: rubbed back for years. Our good friend John Hodgman has
Speaker 1: served as The Daily Show's resident expert, mostly to promoter
Speaker 1: his books, which are written by prison inmates and orphans.
Speaker 1: It's a pretty good scam. But with our nation and
Speaker 1: planet facing so many urgent problems, he has decided to
Speaker 1: use his expertise for the betterment of mankind.
Speaker 7: In this new segment, it's your Welcome with John Hodgman.
Speaker 1: John, so delighted that you've decided to use your powers
Speaker 1: for good? What problem are you going to solve tonight?
Speaker 2: The economy? John, As you know, the country is on
Speaker 2: the brink of financial collapse.
Speaker 1: Exactly, John, what a wee?
Speaker 2: Time for questions only, bold, incomplete sentences, credit frozen retail sales,
Speaker 2: cratering problem, no consumer confidence. Let me ask you, John,
Speaker 2: what are the markets doing right now?
Speaker 1: I believe that they're crashing right?
Speaker 2: And who do you need in a crash? Chesley Sully Sullenberger.
Speaker 2: He's the only one who can pilot this nation to
Speaker 2: the soft water landing we so desperately need and so
Speaker 2: witness our new currency, the Sully Buck.
Speaker 1: The Sully buck.
Speaker 2: Globally, it's already more respected than your Euro. Plus there's
Speaker 2: a built rewards program for every hundred Selli bucks you spend.
Speaker 2: The Canadian goose is strangled, and that's direct stimulus to
Speaker 2: the goose packing industry.
Speaker 1: It's an excellent plan, but can't we judge?
Speaker 2: And every time you talk, people are losing confidence. It's
Speaker 2: just like with Treasury Secretary Geidner. He spoke the other
Speaker 2: day in Wall Street.
Speaker 1: Panicked, Yes, why did that happen?
Speaker 2: Well, let's take a look at the tape.
Speaker 1: We'll announce the details of this plan in the next
Speaker 1: few weeks.
Speaker 2: Sell sell, sell everything, Sell all my stock, John, John, John, Oh,
Speaker 2: I'm sorry, I just got caught up in his wooden,
Speaker 2: nervous lack of reassuranceness. You see, it's all a matter
Speaker 2: of psychology. John. If someone can't convince us that the
Speaker 2: economy is okay, it will fall apart. Prosperity is, in
Speaker 2: a sense, a shared illusion, which brings me to step two.
Speaker 2: Welcome our new Treasury Secretary, mister Chris Angel.
Speaker 1: We're going to try to do the impossible.
Speaker 4: I believe in you.
Speaker 2: Specifically, Secretary Designates Angel will levitate the economy, make it disappear,
Speaker 2: and then pull it out of the belly button of
Speaker 2: a Hooter's waitress.
Speaker 1: All right, that's very nice.
Speaker 2: All right, So that is part two, and that's John.
Speaker 2: The economy is running out of time. I'll tell you what.
Speaker 2: Let's move on to the lightning round, all right. First,
Speaker 2: to make it more appealing, sales tax will now be
Speaker 2: known as pudding, as in hey, great eight and a
Speaker 2: quarter percent pudding. Next, there'll be mirrors at every cash register.
Speaker 1: Dah, so people can see themselves give themselves a little
Speaker 1: pep talk.
Speaker 2: Yes, and also for cutting up. Cocaine also available at
Speaker 2: every cash register.
Speaker 1: Cocaine.
Speaker 2: You want cocaine, John, I've discovered that the substance cocaine
Speaker 2: makes people feel very confident.
Speaker 1: That that's that's uh, John Hodgman, that's that's illegal. I
Speaker 1: don't think John, I don't.
Speaker 2: Think you understand. Oh oh no, what is that?
Speaker 1: What's happening?
Speaker 2: That's it. That's the five minute warning to economic collapse.
Speaker 2: It's time to break out the big stimulus guns. Emergency Christmas?
Speaker 1: What what.
Speaker 2: Emergency Christmas? Tomorrow? There are only fourteen shopping hours left. Chop, chop,
Speaker 2: let's go.
Speaker 1: Well, it's a little bit of a late notice.
Speaker 2: John. Are you saying that you didn't get me anything
Speaker 2: for emergency Christmas?
Speaker 3: Oh?
Speaker 2: This is the worst emergency Christmas ever.
Speaker 1: Well, thank you very much for the solutions. John Hodgman, everyone.
Speaker 1: You're welcome everywhere by well, it's Claire. How easily the
Speaker 1: debate can be hijacked, someone will need to ride to
Speaker 1: the rescue of healthcare reform. Luckily that someone works at
Speaker 1: the Daily Show. For answers, we turn to our resident expert,
Speaker 1: John Hodgman and his segment, You're welcome. Thank you very much,
Speaker 1: John Hodgman. Ladies and gentlemen here to joining Cab office.
Speaker 1: Thank you for joining us in this important debate. But
Speaker 1: Americans are now having.
Speaker 2: You're absolutely welcome, John. America is sick. It's going to
Speaker 2: take some major surgery to heal this nation. There's going
Speaker 2: to be some hard, bitter pills to swallow, and also
Speaker 2: a lot of terrible medical metaphors. But don't worry, Doctor
Speaker 2: Hodgman is in first problem access. Almost fifty million people
Speaker 2: in this country are uninsured. But I've happened to notice
Speaker 2: that none of those people are in Congress. Every one
Speaker 2: of us in Congress have a good healthcare plan.
Speaker 6: If we had to go through what most Americans are
Speaker 6: going through, we'd be busy trying to fix this.
Speaker 2: White hair man is right. So I'm going to write
Speaker 2: my first prescription. Make every American a member of Congress.
Speaker 1: I don't know, John, actually that that's practical.
Speaker 2: Oh really in some respects, What if I wrote a
Speaker 2: little prescription for vicotin for you as well, John, Would
Speaker 2: that make it go down a little easier.
Speaker 1: You're not a doctor, You're not actually a doctor.
Speaker 2: Not offline, I suppose. But fine. There's certainly more than
Speaker 2: one way to skin this patient. Prescription too. A healthy
Speaker 2: dose of prevention.
Speaker 1: Now, yes, exercise, diet, that sort of thing.
Speaker 2: No, no, John, illness is not transmitted through diet and exercise.
Speaker 2: I'm talking about preventing contact, moving the sick people to
Speaker 2: a designated area far away from the rest of us.
Speaker 1: You're talking about a leper colony.
Speaker 2: No, no, no, no. A leper colony is a degrading
Speaker 2: medieval concept. This is more like a leper resort. I
Speaker 2: call it Camp Sniffles. It's not only completely isolated and
Speaker 2: patrolled by dogs. It's also a lot of fun and
Speaker 2: you can leave it. No, no, not alive.
Speaker 1: But talk about costs. Talk about your plans seem very
Speaker 1: expensive and all the plans on the table require hundreds
Speaker 1: of billions in additional funding.
Speaker 2: Yes, John, but there is a solution and it lies
Speaker 2: inside each and every one of us.
Speaker 6: The kind of arrangement that I would like to see
Speaker 6: is the ability for strangers who are willing to give
Speaker 6: a kidney and save someone's life to be able to
Speaker 6: get a tax credit or free health care, or a
Speaker 6: contribution to their retirement account.
Speaker 2: Diagnosis, great idea prescription pay for health care by letting
Speaker 2: people sell their organs. John, do you have any idea
Speaker 2: how much a healthy kidney is worth?
Speaker 1: I don't have any idea, John.
Speaker 2: One hundred and sixty thousand dollars. Wow, And we all
Speaker 2: have two of them, like big fat money bags, nestled
Speaker 2: back here behind the screen. And what are people doing
Speaker 2: with them? Using them to filter their urine? I say,
Speaker 2: turn that stream of waste into a real golden shower
Speaker 2: of money.
Speaker 1: If I'm hearing you correctly, and I believe that I am, yes,
Speaker 1: doesn't that just turn poor people into living organ farms
Speaker 1: for the rich?
Speaker 2: Whoa, John, what do you have against the American farmer?
Speaker 2: We use some kind of East Coast elitist? What do
Speaker 2: you drink bud light? Think about it, John, Under this system,
Speaker 2: the least privilege among us can charge charge the most
Speaker 2: for their most precious, hardest What how in what way. Well,
Speaker 2: you pay more for organic eggs, don't you. Well, congratulations
Speaker 2: homeless people. Under my new labeling laws, you may not
Speaker 2: call yourselves free range. Suddenly, even the lowliest hobo has
Speaker 2: half a million dollars sloshing around in his rotting Torso
Speaker 2: why he can cash in his kidney for a new
Speaker 2: flat screen TV, maybe a lung for a prius, or
Speaker 2: his other kidney for a dialysis machine, or better yet,
Speaker 2: mortgagees whole lower body for a condominium there. I just
Speaker 2: saw the healthcare crisis, the real estate crisis, and I
Speaker 2: fixed the economy. You're welcome.
Speaker 1: You just killed a hobo, is what you did? That
Speaker 1: is monstrous? You killed a lobo?
Speaker 2: Monstrous? John, Yes, I think it's quite beautiful.
Speaker 1: I'm sure you do.
Speaker 2: I mean, finally, we'll live in a world where a
Speaker 2: person's value isn't determined by what kind of car they
Speaker 2: drive or how much money they have in the bank.
Speaker 2: That's what's in here and also what's in there, John,
Speaker 2: right here and down in this area both, John, do
Speaker 2: you want to make some money? Because I could put
Speaker 2: you in touch with a guy you're practically fli gras
Speaker 2: down there. That's the frying stuff.
Speaker 1: You disgust me, John Huff, I don't have arm organs.
Speaker 1: I don't know what that was, John hodgem and everybody
Speaker 1: hold me right back. How can the Catholic Church get
Speaker 1: back on track? Luckily for them? Or Resident expert John
Speaker 1: Hodgeman is here to help with his segment. You're welcome, John,
Speaker 1: thank you so much for joining us.
Speaker 2: We want to people, I.
Speaker 1: Want to get I want to get right to it.
Speaker 1: This seems like a deeply pervasive problem. How does the
Speaker 1: Catholic Church even begin to tackle it?
Speaker 2: Well, you have to start with the simple things. My
Speaker 2: first recommendation is to focus on prevention. We need to
Speaker 2: find a way of stopping these kinds offenses before they happen.
Speaker 2: For example, look at priestly garments, loose flowing, open roades.
Speaker 2: These are a horrible breach of trust just waiting to happen. Now,
Speaker 2: adding a simple buttonfly may seem like a small thing,
Speaker 2: but it would give everyone just a little bit more
Speaker 2: time to calm down and or run.
Speaker 1: The buttonfly is a complicated maze. Is that it is that?
Speaker 1: Does that?
Speaker 3: No?
Speaker 2: No, John, prepare yourself for the two most important words
Speaker 2: in church scandal prevention alter chimps.
Speaker 1: Are you are you suggesting that we replace altar boys
Speaker 1: with chimps.
Speaker 2: I see you're grasping the concept. You see, chimps and
Speaker 2: humans share ninety six percent of the DNA, but crucially
Speaker 2: not the four percent that is sexually attractive to priests.
Speaker 1: I'll see. Interesting.
Speaker 2: Well, that's all.
Speaker 3: Right, I've seen chimps.
Speaker 2: They're perfectly capable of stuffing out candles, collecting hymn books,
Speaker 2: passing the collection plate, and in the unlikely attempt of
Speaker 2: an attempted molestation, they can defend themselves. They can throw
Speaker 2: feces at priests or chew their faces off.
Speaker 1: All right. These are mostly cosmetic changes, from what I
Speaker 1: can tell, and some obviously more likely than others. This
Speaker 1: is a systemic problem.
Speaker 2: Yes, I hate to admit it, but you're right. What
Speaker 2: is required here sweeping changes in the way the church operates.
Speaker 2: That's why my second solution comes in.
Speaker 3: Kill the mood.
Speaker 2: The Catholic church is a far too sexy place.
Speaker 1: I don't know that that is. I mean, I haven't
Speaker 1: been in a Catholic church. Oh really, well yeah, but sexy.
Speaker 2: Yes, they're extremely sensual places. The soft music, the candle light, wine, incense,
Speaker 2: the whole of dance creates a climate where all Catholics
Speaker 2: can do is think about sex and then hate themselves.
Speaker 1: So I understand.
Speaker 2: Let's de sexify instead of communion wine, make everyone drink
Speaker 2: a gallon of whole milk instead of swinging around a
Speaker 2: censor full of the heady aroma of incense. Hit him
Speaker 2: in the face with fabreze.
Speaker 1: Oh god, I always thought that smell was cat ere,
Speaker 1: and it turns out it's what I used to cover
Speaker 1: up cat here.
Speaker 2: Yes, and you notice how it is completely diffused the
Speaker 2: sexual tension between us.
Speaker 1: Oh, I don't recall there being any sexual attention between.
Speaker 2: It was there, all right. Finally the music, John, listen
Speaker 2: to this? Oh oh boy, put a sock over the
Speaker 2: church door handle. I'm getting hot and bothered. Let me
Speaker 2: get my fabriz.
Speaker 1: No, please don't, please, don't do that again?
Speaker 2: For sure? Yes, fine, If you must have music, we
Speaker 2: have to make it the sonic opposite of seduction. No offense, John,
Speaker 2: But perhaps we could use music from your religious traditions.
Speaker 1: I get it.
Speaker 2: Don't get me wrong, John, Klesmer is great for scaring
Speaker 2: off cossacks, but it is not It is not smooch music.
Speaker 3: I think you would agree it.
Speaker 4: Is.
Speaker 1: Sometimes prevention is well and good, yes, John, But what
Speaker 1: if despite these precautions, and they are solid suggestions, I know,
Speaker 1: what if it does? What if it does happen again?
Speaker 3: What will that brings us to solution number three?
Speaker 2: John?
Speaker 3: Accountability?
Speaker 2: Finally, there needs to be a system where guilty priests
Speaker 2: can unburden themselves by going into a small room and
Speaker 2: talking privately and then have a chance to atone for
Speaker 2: what they've done.
Speaker 1: I think, I think I know where you're going with this,
Speaker 1: and I believe again, Catholic churches have that in place.
Speaker 1: It's called a confessional and I believe.
Speaker 2: No, that's not what I'm talking about. My idea is
Speaker 2: slightly different. Instead of wood paneled walls, we would use
Speaker 2: reinforce concrete instead of a traditional confessional screen. We can
Speaker 2: increase transparency in the church with five inch thick bulletproof glass.
Speaker 3: And to ensure that this is a safe.
Speaker 2: Space for these priests, why not place a number of
Speaker 2: armed guards nearby.
Speaker 1: I see you seem to be talking about sending them
Speaker 1: to a prison.
Speaker 2: Well, you could call it that. I prefer to call
Speaker 2: it a maximum security monastery.
Speaker 1: Thank you very much. John Hodgman explore more shows from
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