WEBVTT - 8 Things I Wish I Knew Before I Turned 30 0:00:00.120 --> 0:00:02.960 When things are good, we think they'll be good forever, 0:00:03.720 --> 0:00:07.640 and we're wrong. When things are bad, we think they'll 0:00:07.640 --> 0:00:12.520 be bad forever, and we're wrong. Things are never good forever, 0:00:13.200 --> 0:00:16.920 and they're never bad forever. What we need to recognize 0:00:17.680 --> 0:00:22.120 is how we can focus on living a life of 0:00:22.239 --> 0:00:27.400 meaning and purpose and seeking peace even in chaos. The 0:00:27.520 --> 0:00:33.520 number one health and wellness podcast, Jay Setty, Jay shettyet 0:00:35.920 --> 0:00:38.760 Hey everyone, It's Jay Shetty, host of the On Purpose 0:00:38.800 --> 0:00:42.080 podcast and author of New York Times best selling book 0:00:42.120 --> 0:00:45.159 Think Like a Monk and Eight Rules of Love. If 0:00:45.200 --> 0:00:47.280 you haven't read either of those books, I hope you 0:00:47.320 --> 0:00:51.280 go and grab a copy to learn about mindset, peace, 0:00:51.440 --> 0:00:55.880 purpose and love, relationships and dating. But today I'm talking 0:00:55.880 --> 0:00:59.160 to you about eight things I wish I knew before 0:00:59.320 --> 0:01:02.680 I was third. I'm thirty seven now, and I've learned 0:01:02.840 --> 0:01:05.800 so much up until this point in life. But there 0:01:05.800 --> 0:01:09.280 are certain things that I know could have saved me time, money, 0:01:09.440 --> 0:01:12.520 and energy before I was thirty years old, and I 0:01:12.600 --> 0:01:15.760 want to share them all with you if I could 0:01:15.800 --> 0:01:20.240 sit my twenty year old self down for an unfiltered conversation. 0:01:21.000 --> 0:01:25.480 Here are the truths about people, work, and life that 0:01:25.560 --> 0:01:30.360 would have saved me years of stress, overthinking and wasted energy. 0:01:30.880 --> 0:01:36.240 These aren't cliches, their counterintuitive lessons from psychology and human 0:01:36.280 --> 0:01:40.319 behavior that will change how you live, love, and work. 0:01:40.920 --> 0:01:45.080 Let's get in. Lesson number one is people aren't thinking 0:01:45.120 --> 0:01:49.400 about you as much as you think they are. I 0:01:49.400 --> 0:01:52.440 want to talk about something known as the spotlight effect 0:01:52.880 --> 0:01:56.800 from Gillovich in nineteen ninety nine. He said that we 0:01:57.040 --> 0:02:01.440 overestimate how much people notice or judge us, when the 0:02:01.480 --> 0:02:06.360 truth is most people are too busy worrying about themselves. Now, 0:02:06.520 --> 0:02:10.160 imagine walking to work with a giant coffee stain down 0:02:10.200 --> 0:02:14.440 the front of your shirt. You feel exposed, humiliated, You 0:02:14.480 --> 0:02:20.120 swear everyone staring, whispering, judging, gossiping. You spend the whole 0:02:20.200 --> 0:02:24.919 day shrinking into yourself. But here's the twist. When psychologists 0:02:24.919 --> 0:02:31.519 at Cornell University actually tested this, they found almost nobody noticed. 0:02:32.120 --> 0:02:36.040 In their famous Barry manilo t shirt study, students were 0:02:36.080 --> 0:02:39.079 asked to walk into a room full of peers wearing 0:02:39.120 --> 0:02:44.200 a bright, embarrassing Manilow shirt. The wearers were convinced half 0:02:44.280 --> 0:02:48.880 the room would notice and remember, but the reality only 0:02:48.919 --> 0:02:53.520 about twenty percent of people noticed at all. The truth 0:02:53.639 --> 0:02:58.080 is we all live under what psychologists call the spotlight effect, 0:02:58.520 --> 0:03:02.440 the belief that everyone is wanting, when in reality, most 0:03:02.480 --> 0:03:05.959 people are too busy worrying about their own coffee stains, 0:03:06.200 --> 0:03:11.840 their own insecurities, their own spotlight. Now here's why this matters. 0:03:12.600 --> 0:03:16.040 You're not being judged as much as you think. The 0:03:16.080 --> 0:03:21.320 audience you imagine doesn't exist. The world isn't scrutinizing you. 0:03:21.880 --> 0:03:26.760 It's scrolling past, lost in its own self consciousness. The 0:03:26.880 --> 0:03:31.440 spotlight is in your head, and once you realize that 0:03:31.720 --> 0:03:35.720 you can finally step on stage, take the risk, wear 0:03:35.760 --> 0:03:41.000 the stain because no one's watching as closely as you think. 0:03:42.240 --> 0:03:47.480 Stop chasing approval from people who don't even know themselves. 0:03:48.560 --> 0:03:54.040 Stop performing for people who wouldn't show up if you fell. 0:03:54.280 --> 0:03:59.120 Stop editing your life for people who aren't even paying attention. 0:04:00.240 --> 0:04:04.560 Stop carrying the weight of opinions that were never yours 0:04:04.560 --> 0:04:09.400 to hold. Stop shrinking your dreams to fit someone else's 0:04:09.440 --> 0:04:14.560 comfort zone, and stop letting silent critics rent space in 0:04:14.600 --> 0:04:19.920 your head for free. Stop confusing someone's opinion with your 0:04:19.960 --> 0:04:24.880 own reflection. They're not thinking about you in the first place. 0:04:25.880 --> 0:04:32.560 Lesson number two, busyness isn't productivity. We mistake being busy 0:04:33.000 --> 0:04:36.560 for being valuable. This is something in psychology known as 0:04:36.600 --> 0:04:39.640 the effort heuristic. We all know what it feels like. 0:04:40.040 --> 0:04:42.880 We think if we're working twelve hours a day, we're winning, 0:04:42.920 --> 0:04:46.679 We're moving forward. But the reality is you can hustle 0:04:46.760 --> 0:04:51.000 twelve hours a day and still not move forward. We 0:04:51.200 --> 0:04:56.080 have to measure progress in outcomes, not ours. Have you 0:04:56.120 --> 0:04:59.120 ever caught yourself bragging about how busy you are, or 0:04:59.160 --> 0:05:02.640 maybe even trying to make yourself sound worthy. You might say, 0:05:02.680 --> 0:05:05.960 I work twelve hours straight, Hey, add back to back meetings, 0:05:06.440 --> 0:05:10.240 I apparely slept this week. We wear busyness like a 0:05:10.240 --> 0:05:14.120 badge of honor. But psychology has a name for this mistake, 0:05:14.640 --> 0:05:18.640 the effort heuristic. It means we assume that if something 0:05:18.760 --> 0:05:23.640 took more effort, it must be more valuable, But that 0:05:23.680 --> 0:05:29.600 doesn't always fit. Researchers asked people to rate two paintings 0:05:29.640 --> 0:05:34.480 of the same artwork. One was described to them as 0:05:34.520 --> 0:05:38.360 taking four hours to make, the other was described as 0:05:38.440 --> 0:05:44.200 taking twenty six hours. Guess what people rated the twenty 0:05:44.320 --> 0:05:49.400 six hour painting as more beautiful, more meaningful, more worthy 0:05:49.520 --> 0:05:55.320 of praise. Same are, same quality, but different story. About 0:05:55.360 --> 0:05:58.640 the effort. We all think if we're working longer, we 0:05:58.760 --> 0:06:02.680 should be rewarded more. If you're working harder, we should 0:06:02.680 --> 0:06:06.000 win more. If we're doing more, we should get more. 0:06:06.880 --> 0:06:12.240 But here's the problem. Just because something takes longer doesn't 0:06:12.279 --> 0:06:17.120 mean it's better. A twelve hour workday isn't proof of impact, 0:06:17.600 --> 0:06:21.120 a never ending to do list isn't proof of progress. 0:06:21.920 --> 0:06:27.760 Exhaustion isn't proof of success. Busy is not the same 0:06:28.160 --> 0:06:32.920 as effective. So here's the takeaway. Don't measure your value 0:06:33.279 --> 0:06:37.760 by the hours you burn. Measure it by the results 0:06:38.000 --> 0:06:42.919 you create. Don't ask how hard did I work? Ask 0:06:43.400 --> 0:06:46.800 did my work actually matter? Because at the end of 0:06:46.839 --> 0:06:49.640 your life, no one's going to hand you an award 0:06:49.760 --> 0:06:53.800 for most hours spent looking busy, but you will remember 0:06:53.920 --> 0:06:57.840 what you built, what you changed, and who you became. 0:06:58.839 --> 0:07:04.520 Start remembering you're not valuable because you're busy. You're valuable 0:07:04.960 --> 0:07:09.800 because you're you. Stop measuring your day by hours instead 0:07:09.800 --> 0:07:14.240 of outcomes. Stop filling every minute so you don't feel 0:07:14.280 --> 0:07:19.920 like you're falling behind. Stop mistaking exhaustion for evidence that 0:07:20.000 --> 0:07:24.680 you matter. So many of us are so conflicted by that. 0:07:25.680 --> 0:07:28.720 It's time to work smart. It's time to work effective, 0:07:29.280 --> 0:07:34.440 not just hard. Lesson number three, your friends will change, 0:07:34.960 --> 0:07:39.440 and that's not betrayal. There's a psychological term known as 0:07:39.520 --> 0:07:45.600 socio emotional selectivity theory. As we age, we prioritize depth 0:07:46.000 --> 0:07:51.680 over breadth in our relationships. Losing friends, as hard as 0:07:51.720 --> 0:07:56.760 it is, is often growth, not failure. Look, this is 0:07:56.800 --> 0:07:59.440 how it works. When you're in your twenties. Your inbox 0:07:59.600 --> 0:08:04.040 is in. You've got group chats, classmates, colleagues, Friday night 0:08:04.040 --> 0:08:08.680 plans with people you barely know. Your social world feels infinite. 0:08:09.320 --> 0:08:13.760 But something fascinating happens as you get older. Psychologists have 0:08:13.840 --> 0:08:17.800 studied this for decades and the data is crystal clear. 0:08:18.600 --> 0:08:23.520 Your social circle shrinks, not because you're failing, but because 0:08:23.560 --> 0:08:29.720 your brain is recalibrating. This is called socio emotional selectivity theory, 0:08:30.120 --> 0:08:34.600 a concept pioneered by a psychologist at Stanford. She found 0:08:34.600 --> 0:08:38.040 that as people age, or even just perceived their time 0:08:38.080 --> 0:08:44.440 as more limited, they stop investing in endless social expansion. Instead, 0:08:44.480 --> 0:08:51.600 they prioritize fewer, deeper, more emotionally meaningful relationships. In one study, 0:08:51.960 --> 0:08:57.559 they tracked people's relationships across their lifespans. Young adults reported 0:08:57.840 --> 0:09:04.079 wide networks with lots of quintances. Older adults consistently reported 0:09:04.320 --> 0:09:10.600 smaller networks, but also higher satisfaction in those relationships. What 0:09:10.760 --> 0:09:14.480 was even more striking was that the older adults had 0:09:14.600 --> 0:09:20.040 fewer conflicts and reported greater emotional stability. It is an 0:09:20.200 --> 0:09:24.920 age that changes us. It's how much time we believe 0:09:25.320 --> 0:09:30.640 we have left. When time feels expensive, we chase novelty 0:09:31.120 --> 0:09:38.200 and variety. When time feels expensive, we choose intimacy and depth. 0:09:39.040 --> 0:09:43.080 That's why your twenties feel like you're collecting people, and 0:09:43.120 --> 0:09:47.720 your thirties, forties, and fifties feel like you're filtering down 0:09:48.120 --> 0:09:51.480 to the ones who really matter. I think a lot 0:09:51.480 --> 0:09:54.440 of us when we're losing friends, when we grow apart, 0:09:54.480 --> 0:09:56.920 when we drift apart. As we get older, we may 0:09:56.960 --> 0:10:00.440 start to judge people. We may think people change, We 0:10:00.520 --> 0:10:04.320 may think that we did something wrong. The reality is 0:10:04.360 --> 0:10:07.880 people have less time. They want to focus more on 0:10:07.920 --> 0:10:12.400 the relationships that matter, and this becomes a natural evolution 0:10:12.559 --> 0:10:17.040 in life. If you're feeling guilty that your social circle 0:10:17.120 --> 0:10:22.280 is shrinking, don't. It's not failure. It's what moving forward 0:10:22.320 --> 0:10:25.400 looks like. It means your brain is getting wise enough 0:10:25.400 --> 0:10:30.480 to realize a small circle that feeds you is more 0:10:30.559 --> 0:10:35.080 valuable than a large circle that drains you. A small 0:10:35.160 --> 0:10:38.240 circle that tells you the truth is better than a 0:10:38.320 --> 0:10:41.400 large circle that tells you what you want to hear. 0:10:42.080 --> 0:10:45.800 A small circle that celebrates you in private is better 0:10:45.840 --> 0:10:50.040 than a large circle that collapse only in public. A 0:10:50.080 --> 0:10:53.880 small circle that challenges you to grow is better than 0:10:53.880 --> 0:10:57.280 a large circle that keeps you the same. You can 0:10:57.320 --> 0:11:01.600 have less friends that bring you more joy. Don't get 0:11:01.600 --> 0:11:05.160 it confused. Whether you're dreaming of a wellness retreat, a 0:11:05.240 --> 0:11:08.960 food focus get away, or a weekend built around connection, 0:11:09.559 --> 0:11:14.040 Chase Sapphire Reserve helps you design travel experiences that actually 0:11:14.120 --> 0:11:17.600 mean something to you. 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With Chase Sapphire Reserve, every trip can feel 0:12:38.640 --> 0:12:44.000 meaningful from start to finish. Lesser number four is discipline 0:12:44.520 --> 0:12:48.679 is easier than motivation. Most of us think that what 0:12:48.720 --> 0:12:51.400 we need to change our lives is more motivation. The 0:12:51.440 --> 0:12:53.120 amount of people that come up to me and say, Jay, 0:12:53.160 --> 0:12:56.280 motivate me. Can you tell me something motivational that will 0:12:56.360 --> 0:12:58.920 change my life? We all feel if I could just 0:12:58.960 --> 0:13:02.880 feel more motivated, I'd go to the gym, start the business, 0:13:03.040 --> 0:13:08.080 eat better. But here's the counterintuitive truth. You don't need 0:13:08.120 --> 0:13:13.560 more motivation. You need more discipline. And discipline doesn't mean 0:13:13.880 --> 0:13:18.520 willpower or toughness. It means designing your life so the 0:13:18.600 --> 0:13:21.480 right choice is easier than the wrong one. Let me 0:13:21.480 --> 0:13:26.160 say that again. Discipline is designing your life so that 0:13:26.280 --> 0:13:30.360 the right choice is easier than the wrong one. Your 0:13:30.480 --> 0:13:36.960 systems are helping you make hard choices more easily. Psychologists 0:13:36.960 --> 0:13:41.600 call this ego depletion. Every decision you make, from what 0:13:41.720 --> 0:13:45.240 to wear to what to eat, drains your brain's self 0:13:45.320 --> 0:13:50.120 control battery. By the time the evening comes, that battery 0:13:50.400 --> 0:13:53.600 is dead. How many of you have felt this before? Right, 0:13:54.000 --> 0:13:57.120 you've been making decisions all day, what to wear, what 0:13:57.160 --> 0:14:00.400 to eat, meal, prepping, what to cook, what to make 0:14:00.400 --> 0:14:02.839 for lunch, what to make for dinner. Then you've got 0:14:03.080 --> 0:14:05.360 what color does this slide deck need to be? I 0:14:05.400 --> 0:14:08.960 haven't made their accounts balance up. I haven't replied to 0:14:09.000 --> 0:14:12.400 my mom, I haven't called my friend, I haven't texted 0:14:12.400 --> 0:14:15.280 this person back. I've got to update my dating profile. 0:14:16.160 --> 0:14:23.680 It's exhausting, and that's why motivation isn't reliable. Motivation fades 0:14:23.720 --> 0:14:29.320 with your mood, discipline survives with your systems. It's why 0:14:29.360 --> 0:14:33.680 President Obama only wore two suit colors as president, why 0:14:33.800 --> 0:14:38.280 Steve Jobs wore the same black turtleneck. They weren't lazy, 0:14:38.880 --> 0:14:43.960 They were protecting their discipline. They cut small decisions so 0:14:44.000 --> 0:14:47.840 they had energy for the big ones. This is known 0:14:47.920 --> 0:14:51.880 as something called decision fatigue. So many of us gets 0:14:51.960 --> 0:14:55.280 tired making so many small decisions all day that we 0:14:55.320 --> 0:14:59.640 don't have energy for the big ones. Keep your energy 0:14:59.680 --> 0:15:03.720 for the big decisions in life. People spend more time 0:15:03.880 --> 0:15:06.800 planning their wedding than they do making sure the person 0:15:06.840 --> 0:15:10.200 they're marrying is the right person. People spend more time 0:15:10.240 --> 0:15:13.560 getting their degree than making sure the job they choose 0:15:13.920 --> 0:15:17.360 is worthy of their qualification. We waste so much more 0:15:17.400 --> 0:15:21.080 time in getting something than we do for preparing for something. 0:15:22.320 --> 0:15:28.080 Stop waiting to feel motivated. Start setting systems that make 0:15:28.200 --> 0:15:32.440 discipline feel natural. Lay out your clothes the night before, 0:15:33.160 --> 0:15:35.880 put healthy food where you can see it, and take 0:15:35.920 --> 0:15:40.040 away all the bad stuff. Block websites that waste your focus. 0:15:40.720 --> 0:15:45.400 Because success doesn't come from chasing motivation, It comes from 0:15:45.440 --> 0:15:50.600 designing a life where discipline is the default. Lesson number 0:15:50.640 --> 0:15:56.320 five is that most of your fears are memories, not threats. 0:15:57.320 --> 0:16:03.120 The fear you feel today usually belongs to yesterday. When 0:16:03.120 --> 0:16:07.160 you feel fear, your brain tells you it's about this moment, 0:16:07.960 --> 0:16:11.040 but most of the time it isn't. Think about a 0:16:11.160 --> 0:16:14.160 child who is laughed at for reading out loud in class. 0:16:14.640 --> 0:16:17.920 Maybe you went through something like this as well. Years later, 0:16:18.080 --> 0:16:22.120 as an adult, they're asked to present at work. Suddenly 0:16:22.160 --> 0:16:26.920 their heart races, their palms, sweat, their throat titans. They think, 0:16:26.960 --> 0:16:31.000 I'm scared of public speaking, But the truth they're not 0:16:31.080 --> 0:16:35.880 scared of this meeting or presentation. They're scared of that classroom. 0:16:36.760 --> 0:16:42.000 This happens because of emotional memory encoding. When we experience 0:16:42.040 --> 0:16:47.440 something painful, maybe it's embarrassment, rejection, failure, the brain doesn't 0:16:47.480 --> 0:16:52.040 just store the fact, it stores the feeling. The amygdala, 0:16:52.280 --> 0:16:56.960 the brain's fear center, tags that memory as danger, and 0:16:57.000 --> 0:17:01.400 the next time anything even resembles that situation, your body 0:17:01.440 --> 0:17:06.320 reacts as if the past is happening again. Maybe you 0:17:06.400 --> 0:17:09.560 had a really uncomfortable experience in water when you were young. Now, 0:17:09.600 --> 0:17:12.879 every time you get into water, whether it's the ocean 0:17:12.920 --> 0:17:16.320 or a swimming pool, you feel tight chested. That's why 0:17:16.359 --> 0:17:21.200 the fear you feel today often belongs to yesterday. They're 0:17:21.200 --> 0:17:26.320 not about real, immediate threats, but about old memories being triggered. 0:17:27.000 --> 0:17:31.200 In fact, research on the amygdala found that fear responses 0:17:31.480 --> 0:17:34.840 are often two to three times stronger when tied to 0:17:34.960 --> 0:17:40.320 past emotional memories than faced with new situations. So the 0:17:40.359 --> 0:17:45.520 fear in your chest isn't always truth. It's often a 0:17:45.600 --> 0:17:50.600 memory replay. You're not afraid of the presentation. You're afraid 0:17:50.960 --> 0:17:55.400 of the old humiliation. You're not afraid of love. You're 0:17:55.440 --> 0:18:01.600 afraid of the heartbreak that came before the takeaway. The 0:18:01.640 --> 0:18:05.760 next time fear shows up, ask yourself, is this fear 0:18:05.840 --> 0:18:10.240 about now? Or am I carrying it from then? Because 0:18:10.280 --> 0:18:12.919 once you see that most of your fears are echoes, 0:18:13.680 --> 0:18:18.840 you can stop letting yesterday control today. Stop letting people 0:18:19.320 --> 0:18:24.399 who hurt you years ago hurt you again today. Stop 0:18:24.480 --> 0:18:28.760 letting old wounds cause more pain than the moment itself 0:18:28.920 --> 0:18:34.520 ever did. Stop letting memories control moments that deserve a 0:18:34.640 --> 0:18:42.480 fresh start. Stop letting yesterday's rejection steal today's confidence. Stop 0:18:42.560 --> 0:18:47.120 letting a single chapter convince you the whole story is broken. 0:18:48.480 --> 0:18:52.280 Stop letting the past keep winning when the fight is 0:18:52.320 --> 0:18:54.960 already over. What I want you to think about with 0:18:55.080 --> 0:18:59.840 that is that whenever you come up against something, frame 0:18:59.880 --> 0:19:03.240 it back, recognize where it comes from. We have to 0:19:03.240 --> 0:19:05.600 cut it at the root. You're not going to solve 0:19:05.640 --> 0:19:08.240 your life by only getting over this symptom right now. 0:19:08.720 --> 0:19:12.440 It's by cutting it at the root, figuring out where 0:19:12.480 --> 0:19:15.840 it started, figuring out where it came from. Almost tracking 0:19:15.920 --> 0:19:20.000 it back helps you cut it right there and then, 0:19:20.200 --> 0:19:23.200 and it can transform your life. Because so many of 0:19:23.280 --> 0:19:26.320 us are not taking risks today because of pain we 0:19:26.359 --> 0:19:29.199 felt in the past. So many of us are not 0:19:29.240 --> 0:19:32.560 taking on challenges today because of hardships we had in 0:19:32.600 --> 0:19:35.320 the past. So many of us are not trying things 0:19:35.320 --> 0:19:39.600 today because of failures in the past. You don't want 0:19:39.640 --> 0:19:42.199 to let your past have such a tight hold of 0:19:42.240 --> 0:19:46.800 control over your present and your future. You could miss 0:19:46.800 --> 0:19:50.200 out on an amazing partner, an amazing career, an amazing 0:19:50.280 --> 0:19:54.280 life because of a choice or a mistake or something 0:19:54.280 --> 0:20:14.439 that happened in your past. It's not worth it. Lesser 0:20:14.520 --> 0:20:19.480 Number six, You're more likely to change by belonging than 0:20:19.560 --> 0:20:26.880 by willpower. Because identity is contagious. This will actually blow 0:20:26.880 --> 0:20:31.160 your mind. It transformed how I think about human change. 0:20:31.680 --> 0:20:37.240 I've realized that there are three core aspects to human change. Coaching. 0:20:38.080 --> 0:20:41.199 Knowing something that is three or five years ahead of you, 0:20:41.600 --> 0:20:44.119 knowing someone who's three or five years ahead of you 0:20:44.480 --> 0:20:47.119 on the journey you're about to go through and having 0:20:47.119 --> 0:20:51.040 their guns can transform your life. The second is consistency 0:20:51.040 --> 0:20:54.840 and commitment, when you can actually commit to action, commit 0:20:54.920 --> 0:20:58.680 to making a change, and you do it over a 0:20:58.680 --> 0:21:01.359 certain amount of time. And the third, which is what 0:21:01.480 --> 0:21:05.960 this one's all about, is community. We need community for accountability, 0:21:06.280 --> 0:21:10.640 we need it for competition, and we need it for collaboration. See, 0:21:10.680 --> 0:21:14.760 most people think change is about willpower. If I just 0:21:14.960 --> 0:21:18.439 tried harder, if I just pushed more, if I just 0:21:18.600 --> 0:21:24.800 force myself, I'll change. But here's the counterintuitive truth. You're 0:21:24.880 --> 0:21:29.879 more likely to change by belonging than by willpower, because 0:21:30.000 --> 0:21:35.800 identity is contagious. A few years ago, researchers studied why 0:21:35.920 --> 0:21:41.480 some people quit smoking successfully and others relapsed. They found 0:21:41.520 --> 0:21:46.240 something surprising. It wasn't the strongest willed individuals who succeeded. 0:21:46.960 --> 0:21:51.320 It was the ones who changed their social circles. If 0:21:51.359 --> 0:21:56.359 you were surrounded by smokers, your chance of quitting dropped dramatically. 0:21:56.840 --> 0:22:00.560 But if your spouse quit smoking, your likelihood of quitting 0:22:01.000 --> 0:22:04.360 jumped up. If a close friend quit, your odds went up. 0:22:04.800 --> 0:22:11.000 Same habit, same nicotine, different environment. Why because we adapt 0:22:11.040 --> 0:22:14.600 to the norms of our group. A Harvard study on 0:22:14.760 --> 0:22:20.280 social networks showed that obesity, smoking, and even happiness spread 0:22:20.320 --> 0:22:24.840 through friends groups like contagions. If a friend of yours 0:22:24.920 --> 0:22:30.280 becomes obese, your own risk increases by fifty seven percent. 0:22:30.920 --> 0:22:34.320 If a friend becomes happy, your own chance of happiness 0:22:34.640 --> 0:22:41.680 rises by twenty five percent. Willpower didn't spread, identity and 0:22:41.800 --> 0:22:45.399 connectivity did so. If you want to change your life, 0:22:45.920 --> 0:22:50.360 stop asking how do I get more willpower? Start asking 0:22:50.920 --> 0:22:54.840 who do I need to belong to. You'll fight to 0:22:55.000 --> 0:22:59.240 match the energy of the people you sit with. You'll 0:22:59.280 --> 0:23:04.840 pick up their habits without even realizing it. Here's the takeaway. 0:23:05.400 --> 0:23:11.000 Willpower is fragile, belonging is powerful. The fastest way to 0:23:11.119 --> 0:23:15.760 change your habits is to change your people. Because you 0:23:15.760 --> 0:23:21.000 don't just become what you practice, you become who you're around. 0:23:21.720 --> 0:23:25.600 Stop spending time with people you don't want to be like. 0:23:26.480 --> 0:23:31.640 Stop wasting energy on people you don't admire. Stop building 0:23:31.680 --> 0:23:37.520 connections with people who only drain your confidence. Stop investing 0:23:37.520 --> 0:23:42.199 in circles that make you smaller instead of braver. I 0:23:42.240 --> 0:23:44.000 think this is a huge one because if you look 0:23:44.040 --> 0:23:45.720 at a change you want to make in your life 0:23:46.080 --> 0:23:47.760 and you're thinking, why don't I change it at New 0:23:47.840 --> 0:23:50.359 Year's Why didn't I change it on my birthday? I 0:23:50.480 --> 0:23:53.320 promise you it's because you didn't change your circle. No, no, 0:23:53.359 --> 0:23:55.040 you're thinking, Jay, I've got some really good friends that 0:23:55.080 --> 0:23:57.639 don't want to leave them. They're amazing. You don't have 0:23:57.680 --> 0:24:01.840 to leave them. You have to build new circles around 0:24:02.080 --> 0:24:05.600 new goals. When you have a goal, build a circle 0:24:05.640 --> 0:24:07.800 around it. It doesn't mean you leave your friends or 0:24:07.800 --> 0:24:10.400 your family behind. It doesn't mean you cut people out. 0:24:10.600 --> 0:24:12.520 You can still love them, you can still keep them 0:24:12.520 --> 0:24:15.359 in your life. But you have to create new circles 0:24:15.640 --> 0:24:20.480 around new goals. It is so much less likely for 0:24:20.640 --> 0:24:23.320 you to achieve the goals you have with the circle 0:24:23.440 --> 0:24:25.560 you currently have. And I know you're thinking, Jay, where 0:24:25.600 --> 0:24:27.919 do I find those people? I don't know people like 0:24:27.920 --> 0:24:30.439 that in my community. I didn't grow up in that area. 0:24:31.119 --> 0:24:34.840 Find them online, find them in books, find them on podcasts. 0:24:35.240 --> 0:24:39.600 You can associate with people by giving your attention to them. 0:24:39.840 --> 0:24:43.720 It's not the people around you physically that define who 0:24:43.760 --> 0:24:46.920 you're becoming. It's the people you choose to give your 0:24:47.040 --> 0:24:51.240 attention to. Who are you listening to, who are you following, 0:24:51.520 --> 0:24:54.680 who are you allowing in? What are you consuming? That 0:24:54.760 --> 0:24:59.960 will transform where you're going. Lesson number seven, You don't 0:25:00.200 --> 0:25:05.840 burnout from working too hard. You burn out from meaninglessness. 0:25:06.320 --> 0:25:11.000 Long hours don't always cause burnout. Empty hours due most 0:25:11.080 --> 0:25:14.760 people think burnout comes from working too many hours. They'll say, 0:25:14.760 --> 0:25:18.119 I'm exhausted because I'm working seventy hours a week. But 0:25:18.280 --> 0:25:21.800 here's what the research shows. It's not the hours that 0:25:21.880 --> 0:25:25.159 burn us out, it's the emptiness. I once coached a 0:25:25.160 --> 0:25:28.359 woman who is a high performer at a huge firm. 0:25:28.800 --> 0:25:32.560 She worked sixty sometimes seventy hours a week, but outside 0:25:32.560 --> 0:25:35.240 of work, she was full of energy. She ran marathons, 0:25:35.280 --> 0:25:39.480 she volunteered at a shelter, She traveled. Then she switched companies. 0:25:39.840 --> 0:25:42.719 Her hours stayed the same, maybe even a little lighter. 0:25:43.000 --> 0:25:45.720 She was making a bit more money, but within six 0:25:45.800 --> 0:25:49.040 months she was burned out, drained, and ready to quit. 0:25:49.840 --> 0:25:53.640 Why not because of workload, but because the work No 0:25:53.680 --> 0:25:58.720 longer meant anything to her. The tasks were repetitive, the 0:25:58.800 --> 0:26:04.280 recognition was absent. She felt like a Cogner machine. Same hours, less, 0:26:04.320 --> 0:26:09.320 meaning more burnout. This lines up with Christina Maslack's research 0:26:09.560 --> 0:26:13.399 on burnout. The world's leading scholar in this field. She 0:26:13.600 --> 0:26:19.880 identified three dimensions of burnout. Number one exhaustion feeling drained 0:26:20.040 --> 0:26:26.080 or used up. Number two cynicism feeling detached, negative, resentful. 0:26:26.840 --> 0:26:31.439 Number three inefficacy feeling like your work doesn't matter or 0:26:31.480 --> 0:26:36.520 make a difference. What drives burnout most consistently isn't just 0:26:36.600 --> 0:26:42.560 long hours. It's when your work feels meaningless, misaligned, or unseen. 0:26:43.359 --> 0:26:48.040 Gallup found that seventy six percent of employees experience burnout, 0:26:48.440 --> 0:26:52.439 but the strongest predictor wasn't the number of hours, it 0:26:52.520 --> 0:26:57.440 was whether they felt their work had purpose. Maslac's research 0:26:57.520 --> 0:27:01.879 shows that people who feel their work lacks recognition or 0:27:01.920 --> 0:27:06.399 significance report two to three times higher levels of burnout, 0:27:06.880 --> 0:27:11.720 even at similar workloads. In contrast, people engaged in meaningful 0:27:11.840 --> 0:27:17.920 but demanding work nurses, social workers, startup founders often sustain 0:27:18.119 --> 0:27:23.560 far higher workloads before burning out because purpose acts like fuel. 0:27:24.160 --> 0:27:28.000 So the truth is you don't burn out from giving 0:27:28.040 --> 0:27:32.200 too much of yourself. You burn out from giving yourself 0:27:32.240 --> 0:27:37.920 to things that don't matter. If you feel drained, don't 0:27:38.040 --> 0:27:42.280 just ask how many hours am I working? Ask what 0:27:42.400 --> 0:27:47.119 am I working toward. Cutting hours might help temporarily, but 0:27:47.280 --> 0:27:55.560 finding meaning changes everything. Because exhaustion is survivable, meaninglessness isn't. 0:27:56.080 --> 0:27:59.920 You can bring meaning into your work. You can bring 0:28:00.359 --> 0:28:04.480 energy into your work. Find something that you can be 0:28:04.560 --> 0:28:07.560 curious about. Find something to bring passion into the workplace. 0:28:07.760 --> 0:28:10.080 You don't have to have the perfect job. You have 0:28:10.119 --> 0:28:14.480 to bring passion into the workplace. Lesser number eight. Your 0:28:14.520 --> 0:28:18.680 brain lies about the future. We think we're good at 0:28:18.720 --> 0:28:21.840 predicting what will make us happy. I'll be so much 0:28:21.840 --> 0:28:24.879 happier once I get that promotion, once I moved to 0:28:24.920 --> 0:28:28.640 that city, everything will be better. Once I'm in that relationship, 0:28:28.800 --> 0:28:33.080 I'll finally be complete. But psychology says we're terrible at this. 0:28:33.920 --> 0:28:37.760 Daniel Gilbert, a Harvard psychologist, ran a study with people 0:28:38.000 --> 0:28:42.480 who were absolutely convinced that winning the lottery would transform 0:28:42.560 --> 0:28:45.760 their happiness. When they checked in with lottery winners a 0:28:45.840 --> 0:28:50.520 year later, their happiness had barely changed. In fact, many 0:28:50.600 --> 0:28:56.040 felt less fulfilled. Why because their relationships routines and sense 0:28:56.080 --> 0:29:00.960 of purpose hadn't shifted, just their bank balance. And here's 0:29:01.000 --> 0:29:04.400 the twist. When Gilbert looked at people who had suffered 0:29:04.480 --> 0:29:09.440 catastrophic accidents and lost mobility, a year later, many of 0:29:09.480 --> 0:29:14.800 them reported similar happiness levels as before the accident. What 0:29:14.960 --> 0:29:19.120 felt like the end of life became the start of adaptation. 0:29:19.920 --> 0:29:25.800 This is called effective forecasting error. Our brain systematically overestimates 0:29:25.800 --> 0:29:29.880 how long good or bad events will impact our happiness. 0:29:30.480 --> 0:29:34.640 We imagine the promotion as a permanent high, when in reality, 0:29:35.120 --> 0:29:39.600 we adapt quickly. We imagine the breakup as endless despair, 0:29:40.200 --> 0:29:44.280