1 00:00:04,559 --> 00:00:07,960 Speaker 1: Hello everybody. I'm Jemma Spake and welcome back to the 2 00:00:07,960 --> 00:00:11,280 Speaker 1: Psychology of Your Twenties, the podcast where we talk through 3 00:00:11,320 --> 00:00:16,000 Speaker 1: the biggest changes, moments, and transitions of our twenties and 4 00:00:16,040 --> 00:00:25,040 Speaker 1: what they mean for our psychology. Before we get into it, 5 00:00:25,120 --> 00:00:27,520 Speaker 1: I want to let you guys know that this episode 6 00:00:27,560 --> 00:00:31,880 Speaker 1: and The Psychology of Your Twenties is now on Netflix. 7 00:00:32,520 --> 00:00:35,840 Speaker 1: That is a wild thing to say, but it is true. 8 00:00:35,920 --> 00:00:39,080 Speaker 1: If you want to watch the video version of this 9 00:00:39,240 --> 00:00:42,479 Speaker 1: podcast and you are in the US or Canada, you 10 00:00:42,520 --> 00:00:45,400 Speaker 1: can go to Netflix right now look up the Psychology 11 00:00:45,440 --> 00:00:48,519 Speaker 1: of Your Twenties, and you will see my face and 12 00:00:48,560 --> 00:00:51,680 Speaker 1: you will see our podcasts. It goes without saying. It 13 00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:55,560 Speaker 1: is such an honor and I'm truly so grateful to 14 00:00:55,600 --> 00:00:59,279 Speaker 1: you all that you have given me this opportunity. The 15 00:00:59,440 --> 00:01:03,840 Speaker 1: entire fear, the vibe is incredible. I think it's so personal. 16 00:01:04,200 --> 00:01:06,840 Speaker 1: It brings a whole new element to it. And if 17 00:01:06,840 --> 00:01:08,480 Speaker 1: you want to feel like you were sitting in your 18 00:01:08,560 --> 00:01:12,720 Speaker 1: living room, in my living room with me having a chat, 19 00:01:13,200 --> 00:01:16,160 Speaker 1: now is your opportunity. Go to Netflix, look up the 20 00:01:16,200 --> 00:01:19,160 Speaker 1: Psychology of Your Twenties. I'd love to see you over there. 21 00:01:19,440 --> 00:01:23,839 Speaker 1: But without further Ado, let's get into the episode. Hello everybody, 22 00:01:24,000 --> 00:01:26,640 Speaker 1: Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast, 23 00:01:27,200 --> 00:01:29,959 Speaker 1: new listeners, old listeners, Wherever you are in the world, 24 00:01:29,959 --> 00:01:32,800 Speaker 1: it's so great to have you here. Back for another 25 00:01:32,840 --> 00:01:35,720 Speaker 1: episode as we break down the psychology of our twenties. 26 00:01:36,560 --> 00:01:39,440 Speaker 1: So this is something that I've been asked about so 27 00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:45,200 Speaker 1: many times over the years that honestly countless times I've 28 00:01:45,200 --> 00:01:48,360 Speaker 1: lost count I've asked it myself. When I was dating. 29 00:01:48,560 --> 00:01:50,480 Speaker 1: The question that me and my friends would always talk 30 00:01:50,520 --> 00:01:53,360 Speaker 1: about was like, how in the world are you meant 31 00:01:53,400 --> 00:01:59,200 Speaker 1: to find dating enjoyable? When dating apps seem to be 32 00:01:59,240 --> 00:02:03,480 Speaker 1: the only way to date. No one's meeting in person anymore, 33 00:02:04,160 --> 00:02:07,800 Speaker 1: The meet cutea is dead. People meeting through friends is 34 00:02:07,840 --> 00:02:11,280 Speaker 1: like a faraway fantasy. How do you operate in that 35 00:02:11,320 --> 00:02:13,919 Speaker 1: system when you're still a hopeless romantic But the dating 36 00:02:13,919 --> 00:02:17,400 Speaker 1: apps just feel so pointless when you want your love story. 37 00:02:17,400 --> 00:02:19,360 Speaker 1: But it's like, I've been at this for a while, 38 00:02:19,400 --> 00:02:22,000 Speaker 1: when is it going to be me? How do we 39 00:02:22,040 --> 00:02:24,880 Speaker 1: survive the dating apps when again, it feels like the 40 00:02:24,919 --> 00:02:29,679 Speaker 1: only option left despite knowing deep down it's basically turned 41 00:02:29,760 --> 00:02:33,720 Speaker 1: dating into a game. This is something as I said, 42 00:02:33,720 --> 00:02:35,720 Speaker 1: a lot of my friends are going through right now. 43 00:02:35,800 --> 00:02:41,120 Speaker 1: Even ow researcher Libby is dealing with this like pessimism, 44 00:02:40,720 --> 00:02:43,960 Speaker 1: and even the phrase dealing with like that's very indicative 45 00:02:43,960 --> 00:02:46,800 Speaker 1: of the type of conversations we've been having. But she 46 00:02:46,880 --> 00:02:48,680 Speaker 1: was in London the other day. We were having dinner 47 00:02:48,800 --> 00:02:52,960 Speaker 1: and she raised this really crucial point. The dating apps 48 00:02:53,600 --> 00:02:57,520 Speaker 1: don't want you to win, regardless of like the catchy taglines, 49 00:02:57,560 --> 00:03:01,120 Speaker 1: designed to be deleted, whatever it is, like, they're a business. 50 00:03:01,160 --> 00:03:03,400 Speaker 1: They want you swiping for as long as possible, the 51 00:03:03,440 --> 00:03:06,280 Speaker 1: same way social media apps want you scrolling for as 52 00:03:06,320 --> 00:03:11,000 Speaker 1: long as possible. Because of this, because of this system, 53 00:03:11,040 --> 00:03:15,359 Speaker 1: they're set into a business system. I think I've noticed 54 00:03:15,400 --> 00:03:18,160 Speaker 1: a lot more people experiencing what I call dating burnout 55 00:03:18,639 --> 00:03:20,920 Speaker 1: because of how the apps are structured, Like it's so 56 00:03:22,360 --> 00:03:25,400 Speaker 1: exhausting that people are kind of giving up hope. I 57 00:03:25,480 --> 00:03:29,320 Speaker 1: actually saw a really interesting article titled What I Wish 58 00:03:29,400 --> 00:03:33,600 Speaker 1: I Knew Before Dating at twenty by this guy called Aiden, 59 00:03:33,800 --> 00:03:37,200 Speaker 1: and in the article he talks about how what the 60 00:03:37,320 --> 00:03:40,400 Speaker 1: apps base our choices off of who they show us 61 00:03:40,400 --> 00:03:43,920 Speaker 1: who they think will like, is actually completely shallow. We 62 00:03:44,200 --> 00:03:46,680 Speaker 1: put so much trust in these algorithms. But you know, 63 00:03:46,720 --> 00:03:48,760 Speaker 1: to be in a long term relationship, and that's what 64 00:03:48,760 --> 00:03:51,320 Speaker 1: you're after, you have to be really open minded. You 65 00:03:51,360 --> 00:03:53,120 Speaker 1: have to be curious, you have to be able to 66 00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:56,280 Speaker 1: navigate conflict. You have to have similar values. You have 67 00:03:56,360 --> 00:03:59,200 Speaker 1: to be kind, you have to be interested in aligning 68 00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:02,480 Speaker 1: your life path. But you know, the things that get 69 00:04:02,480 --> 00:04:07,240 Speaker 1: assessed on Hinge, on Tinder, on bumble are just completely 70 00:04:07,800 --> 00:04:10,920 Speaker 1: opposite twenty of that. They ask you, you know, what's 71 00:04:10,920 --> 00:04:15,000 Speaker 1: your heighth, what's your star sign? Give me as many 72 00:04:15,040 --> 00:04:17,120 Speaker 1: hot and interesting pictures of or funny pictures of you 73 00:04:17,320 --> 00:04:20,760 Speaker 1: as you can find. Then they overwhelm you with choice, 74 00:04:20,880 --> 00:04:24,240 Speaker 1: so that anyone who actually is good gets round out. 75 00:04:24,400 --> 00:04:27,760 Speaker 1: If they don't immediately capture attention through very shallow means, 76 00:04:29,000 --> 00:04:32,360 Speaker 1: they also get overwhelmed back, and so they never message 77 00:04:32,400 --> 00:04:35,760 Speaker 1: you back. Then everybody's getting ghosted. Like you know, all 78 00:04:35,760 --> 00:04:38,120 Speaker 1: those educational videos is going to be so different to 79 00:04:38,160 --> 00:04:39,480 Speaker 1: what I was just talking about. But you know, those 80 00:04:39,560 --> 00:04:42,560 Speaker 1: educational videos were like the sperm is like getting to 81 00:04:42,600 --> 00:04:45,320 Speaker 1: the egg, and it's like this race of like and 82 00:04:45,360 --> 00:04:47,359 Speaker 1: it's meant to show you, like when you're in high school, 83 00:04:47,400 --> 00:04:51,200 Speaker 1: how slim your chances were and how competitive it was, 84 00:04:51,279 --> 00:04:53,480 Speaker 1: and how lucky and rare it is to be alive. 85 00:04:54,000 --> 00:04:56,120 Speaker 1: That is genuinely what I think it feels like being 86 00:04:56,160 --> 00:04:59,160 Speaker 1: on the dating apps these days. It feels like your 87 00:04:59,279 --> 00:05:01,680 Speaker 1: chances of meeting somebody is like you're in a race 88 00:05:01,720 --> 00:05:04,920 Speaker 1: with these thousands of other potentials and you want to 89 00:05:04,960 --> 00:05:08,000 Speaker 1: make the match. I know that sounds very doom and gloom, 90 00:05:08,000 --> 00:05:12,160 Speaker 1: and we're being very pessimistic about dating apps. But despite 91 00:05:12,200 --> 00:05:14,839 Speaker 1: all that, like I do still think they work. I 92 00:05:14,960 --> 00:05:17,279 Speaker 1: met my partner on Hinge. A lot of my friends 93 00:05:17,279 --> 00:05:20,599 Speaker 1: have met their partners on Hinge. They work if you 94 00:05:20,800 --> 00:05:25,159 Speaker 1: have a strategy, and I think that they My friends 95 00:05:25,160 --> 00:05:31,440 Speaker 1: have found success for some very specific reasons that people 96 00:05:31,520 --> 00:05:34,000 Speaker 1: can copy. There is a specific mindset you have to 97 00:05:34,040 --> 00:05:37,520 Speaker 1: have when you enter the dating app realm that I 98 00:05:37,560 --> 00:05:40,800 Speaker 1: think is going to ensure you success more than if 99 00:05:40,839 --> 00:05:44,680 Speaker 1: you just go in there randomly. And that is exactly 100 00:05:44,680 --> 00:05:46,720 Speaker 1: what I'm going to share with you today, those very 101 00:05:47,120 --> 00:05:51,159 Speaker 1: tips for being successful in the dating apps without further ado, 102 00:05:51,920 --> 00:05:55,080 Speaker 1: let's jump into them. Let's see how we're gonna survive 103 00:05:56,160 --> 00:05:59,200 Speaker 1: this kind of new dating system that we all operate in. 104 00:05:59,320 --> 00:06:06,960 Speaker 1: Stay with us, Let's not waste any time. Here, let's 105 00:06:07,000 --> 00:06:08,839 Speaker 1: get right into tip number one. If you want to 106 00:06:08,839 --> 00:06:11,120 Speaker 1: be better at surviving managing the dating apps, so you 107 00:06:11,160 --> 00:06:15,040 Speaker 1: need to number one, understand the psychology but behind why 108 00:06:15,600 --> 00:06:22,040 Speaker 1: and how dating apps work, and specifically how they make money. 109 00:06:22,080 --> 00:06:25,520 Speaker 1: This will transform your relationship to the platform, and by 110 00:06:25,600 --> 00:06:28,880 Speaker 1: changing your relationship to the platform, this will change the 111 00:06:28,920 --> 00:06:33,000 Speaker 1: relationships that you have on them. I said it before, 112 00:06:33,120 --> 00:06:36,360 Speaker 1: I think dating apps aren't designed to be effective. They're 113 00:06:36,400 --> 00:06:42,040 Speaker 1: designed to be addictive. They deliberately give this impression that 114 00:06:42,760 --> 00:06:48,280 Speaker 1: the perfect relationship can be discovered rather than made and built. 115 00:06:48,680 --> 00:06:51,360 Speaker 1: And they do this by providing us with all these 116 00:06:51,560 --> 00:06:57,320 Speaker 1: matches and all this arbitrary information, essentially convincing you that, 117 00:06:57,480 --> 00:07:01,160 Speaker 1: like your job right now is to pick, You've just 118 00:07:01,200 --> 00:07:02,560 Speaker 1: got to pick, and you've got to make sure it's 119 00:07:02,600 --> 00:07:08,320 Speaker 1: the best one. They're manufactured to sell you this narrative 120 00:07:08,400 --> 00:07:11,840 Speaker 1: that you're kind of always one swipe away from someone 121 00:07:11,880 --> 00:07:15,960 Speaker 1: better than the person before. You're always one swipe away 122 00:07:15,960 --> 00:07:18,440 Speaker 1: from the one, and that keeps you picking up the 123 00:07:18,440 --> 00:07:21,360 Speaker 1: phone again and again. Because love is like such a 124 00:07:21,400 --> 00:07:24,360 Speaker 1: delicious promise, all of us want it, and it means 125 00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:27,680 Speaker 1: that we carry on the search despite sometimes matching with 126 00:07:27,720 --> 00:07:30,760 Speaker 1: people that are like really nice and people that we 127 00:07:30,840 --> 00:07:33,920 Speaker 1: really click with. But the possibility of more that is 128 00:07:33,960 --> 00:07:38,600 Speaker 1: offered by this like endless kind of vacuum of people 129 00:07:39,120 --> 00:07:42,360 Speaker 1: means that we don't always prioritize those people, means that 130 00:07:42,440 --> 00:07:46,680 Speaker 1: actually the level of choice ends up being suffocating. Actually, 131 00:07:46,760 --> 00:07:51,280 Speaker 1: there is this really interesting twenty twelve article from the 132 00:07:51,320 --> 00:07:56,160 Speaker 1: researcher Eli Finkle and also their colleagues, and they look 133 00:07:56,200 --> 00:07:59,960 Speaker 1: at how online dating, because of how many choices they offer, 134 00:08:00,720 --> 00:08:05,160 Speaker 1: actually reduces three dimensional people four dimensional five dimensional people. 135 00:08:06,040 --> 00:08:10,280 Speaker 1: It reduces our robust personhood into a two dimensional display 136 00:08:10,280 --> 00:08:15,400 Speaker 1: of information or a two dimensional character. This actually reduces 137 00:08:15,560 --> 00:08:17,840 Speaker 1: how good we are at choosing who we'd click with. 138 00:08:18,520 --> 00:08:24,080 Speaker 1: Dating apps promote this assessment oriented mindset where we kind 139 00:08:24,080 --> 00:08:29,800 Speaker 1: of fall into the role of assessor and maybe unintentionally 140 00:08:29,920 --> 00:08:34,800 Speaker 1: objectify potential partners. And if we start viewing someone as 141 00:08:34,800 --> 00:08:38,440 Speaker 1: an object rather than as a real, living, breathing, feeling human, 142 00:08:39,360 --> 00:08:42,400 Speaker 1: that is the danger. It actually reduces the likelihood that 143 00:08:42,440 --> 00:08:45,000 Speaker 1: we want to commit to even getting to know that 144 00:08:45,120 --> 00:08:48,520 Speaker 1: person because to us, we're seeing so many people constantly, 145 00:08:48,760 --> 00:08:53,480 Speaker 1: it just lose all dimension. In studies, researchers have found 146 00:08:53,559 --> 00:08:58,600 Speaker 1: that people often reject those on dating apps that in 147 00:08:58,640 --> 00:09:02,680 Speaker 1: person they would psychological be most compatible with. And they 148 00:09:02,800 --> 00:09:06,400 Speaker 1: do that for really really small things, like they had 149 00:09:06,480 --> 00:09:09,880 Speaker 1: too many pictures with their friends, I didn't like his shirt, 150 00:09:10,000 --> 00:09:13,320 Speaker 1: she had two selfies instead of one. And we do this, 151 00:09:13,400 --> 00:09:15,800 Speaker 1: and we've all done this. We do this because we 152 00:09:15,880 --> 00:09:18,880 Speaker 1: have so many choices on dating apps, we have to 153 00:09:18,920 --> 00:09:22,520 Speaker 1: come up with these like silly, arbitrary, shallow little rules 154 00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:25,320 Speaker 1: just so that we can process such a vast amount 155 00:09:25,360 --> 00:09:28,760 Speaker 1: of information. We actually end up eliminating lots of really 156 00:09:28,760 --> 00:09:31,760 Speaker 1: good matches because those rules, they don't make any sense. 157 00:09:31,800 --> 00:09:36,040 Speaker 1: They're just us trying to figure out the system. All 158 00:09:36,080 --> 00:09:40,760 Speaker 1: of this is gamifying the mechanics of dating, which makes 159 00:09:40,760 --> 00:09:44,200 Speaker 1: it both unproductive to begin with because we don't even 160 00:09:44,280 --> 00:09:48,240 Speaker 1: really make good choices, but also addictive because it is unproductive. 161 00:09:48,920 --> 00:09:52,000 Speaker 1: A huge reason dating apps are addictive is because they 162 00:09:52,040 --> 00:09:59,280 Speaker 1: provide intermittent, unpredictable reward, which is essentially the principle behind conditioning, 163 00:09:59,320 --> 00:10:04,360 Speaker 1: which is the prince behind gambling. Your brain learns pretty 164 00:10:04,440 --> 00:10:09,400 Speaker 1: fast when rewards aren't guaranteed versus when they are, which 165 00:10:09,440 --> 00:10:14,760 Speaker 1: is why when it's unsure, it stays much longer, its 166 00:10:14,800 --> 00:10:20,480 Speaker 1: attention is much more hooked because of anticipation. We know 167 00:10:20,600 --> 00:10:24,360 Speaker 1: that most swipes lead to nothing, but sometimes you get 168 00:10:24,400 --> 00:10:27,360 Speaker 1: a match, and occasionally you get a really good match 169 00:10:27,640 --> 00:10:30,680 Speaker 1: with somebody you really really like that keeps you hooked. 170 00:10:31,080 --> 00:10:35,720 Speaker 1: In the literature on operant conditioning, unpredictable rewards are exactly 171 00:10:36,640 --> 00:10:41,680 Speaker 1: the kind that keep behavior going the longest, even longer 172 00:10:41,720 --> 00:10:45,920 Speaker 1: than predictability, even longer than knowing when you're going to 173 00:10:45,960 --> 00:10:49,600 Speaker 1: receive a reward for a certain behavior. So this is 174 00:10:49,640 --> 00:10:51,760 Speaker 1: what's happening. You keep coming back time and time again, 175 00:10:52,160 --> 00:10:53,959 Speaker 1: just because there's a chance there's a chance that you're 176 00:10:53,960 --> 00:10:57,640 Speaker 1: going to find someone you actually like, or who is attractive, 177 00:10:57,720 --> 00:11:02,680 Speaker 1: or who piques your interest. But dating apps as well, 178 00:11:03,320 --> 00:11:05,800 Speaker 1: there's always this comparison to gambling. I feel like it's 179 00:11:06,080 --> 00:11:09,400 Speaker 1: we've talked about it so many times. They also add 180 00:11:09,440 --> 00:11:13,200 Speaker 1: something that gambling doesn't, which is a layer of social evaluation. 181 00:11:13,360 --> 00:11:16,760 Speaker 1: I think this is really critical. A match is great. 182 00:11:17,600 --> 00:11:20,160 Speaker 1: It isn't just a reward though, it's not like money. 183 00:11:20,960 --> 00:11:24,760 Speaker 1: It's also about the social element. It's the feeling of 184 00:11:24,800 --> 00:11:29,840 Speaker 1: being wanted. Money is great, being chosen is better. A 185 00:11:29,880 --> 00:11:35,560 Speaker 1: twenty sixteen study published in Mobile Media and Communication conducted 186 00:11:35,679 --> 00:11:39,000 Speaker 1: a survey to look at the motives behind why people 187 00:11:39,160 --> 00:11:43,000 Speaker 1: use Tinder specifically, and what they found was that a 188 00:11:43,040 --> 00:11:46,640 Speaker 1: lot of the time, men reported using Tinder for sex, 189 00:11:46,679 --> 00:11:50,440 Speaker 1: for hookups, for seeking relationships. Women, on the other hand, 190 00:11:50,520 --> 00:11:55,719 Speaker 1: reported using it for friendship actually, but also for self validation. 191 00:11:56,760 --> 00:11:59,959 Speaker 1: Friendship aspect A little bit confused by kind of surprise, 192 00:12:00,400 --> 00:12:04,600 Speaker 1: like I can't say I've ever made a friend from Tinder, 193 00:12:04,720 --> 00:12:07,000 Speaker 1: much less somebody I've wanted to know for longer than 194 00:12:08,320 --> 00:12:13,360 Speaker 1: an afternoon. But the self validation point, I think didn't 195 00:12:13,360 --> 00:12:16,880 Speaker 1: surprise me at all. If the app becomes a place 196 00:12:17,920 --> 00:12:20,360 Speaker 1: you know you can go to get validation when you're 197 00:12:20,360 --> 00:12:23,760 Speaker 1: feeling bad about yourself or in need of reassurance, where 198 00:12:23,800 --> 00:12:25,240 Speaker 1: it's a place you can go when you know you're 199 00:12:25,240 --> 00:12:26,920 Speaker 1: gonna get a swipe, you know you're gonna get a match, 200 00:12:26,960 --> 00:12:29,720 Speaker 1: you know what's going to make you feel better. That 201 00:12:29,840 --> 00:12:33,199 Speaker 1: validation is one of the most oh my god, intoxicating 202 00:12:33,240 --> 00:12:37,560 Speaker 1: things ever. It can train you through like through like 203 00:12:37,640 --> 00:12:42,839 Speaker 1: pure biology, to start compulsively checking. Let's be honest, dating 204 00:12:42,840 --> 00:12:45,360 Speaker 1: apps weren't set up out of the good of someone's heart, right, 205 00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:48,000 Speaker 1: They are businesses They are businesses at the end of 206 00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:51,560 Speaker 1: the day, and that doesn't automatically make them evil, of 207 00:12:51,559 --> 00:12:54,600 Speaker 1: of course not. You know, businesses can create things that 208 00:12:54,640 --> 00:12:59,520 Speaker 1: are genuinely helpful. But when you understand the incentives underneath, 209 00:12:59,640 --> 00:13:04,079 Speaker 1: the desert, the choice overload, the emotional levers being pulled, 210 00:13:04,120 --> 00:13:08,800 Speaker 1: the intermittent reinforcement, I think it helps us to maybe 211 00:13:09,880 --> 00:13:12,800 Speaker 1: distance ourselves a little bit and go a little bit slower, 212 00:13:13,559 --> 00:13:17,000 Speaker 1: maybe match with fewer people, maybe concentrate our time on 213 00:13:17,120 --> 00:13:23,199 Speaker 1: being intentional about our method rather than just endlessly swiping. 214 00:13:23,880 --> 00:13:29,040 Speaker 1: Understanding how the apps make money is just essential. This 215 00:13:29,080 --> 00:13:31,080 Speaker 1: is the part that I haven't even spoken on yet. 216 00:13:31,080 --> 00:13:34,960 Speaker 1: But most major dating apps run on what they call 217 00:13:35,280 --> 00:13:38,839 Speaker 1: a freemium model. So a freemium model is basically where 218 00:13:39,960 --> 00:13:43,559 Speaker 1: most people are going to use the basic free version, 219 00:13:44,200 --> 00:13:45,719 Speaker 1: but then there are some people who are going to 220 00:13:45,800 --> 00:13:48,040 Speaker 1: pay to upgrade, and they're the ones holding the whole 221 00:13:48,040 --> 00:13:53,760 Speaker 1: system together. Paying to upgrade means that the app isn't 222 00:13:53,760 --> 00:13:57,560 Speaker 1: working well enough for you on the basic level. It 223 00:13:57,600 --> 00:13:59,960 Speaker 1: means that you're not getting enough matches, you're not getting 224 00:14:00,080 --> 00:14:04,040 Speaker 1: enough attention, and that means that there is an incentive 225 00:14:04,080 --> 00:14:09,960 Speaker 1: financially for apps like Tinder, Hinge, Bumble to not give 226 00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:12,640 Speaker 1: you a good service because otherwise they wouldn't be able 227 00:14:12,679 --> 00:14:16,000 Speaker 1: to upgrade. And there are all these financial reports from 228 00:14:16,040 --> 00:14:18,320 Speaker 1: match dot com, who owns a lot of those, that 229 00:14:18,440 --> 00:14:25,560 Speaker 1: actually show a lot of their revenue comes from low 230 00:14:25,680 --> 00:14:29,240 Speaker 1: dollar transactions, people who are choosing to upgrade for three 231 00:14:29,320 --> 00:14:34,000 Speaker 1: dollars five dollars because they think it's worth it. When 232 00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:37,720 Speaker 1: you feel like you're getting nowhere, when you're frustrated, you're 233 00:14:37,720 --> 00:14:40,920 Speaker 1: get to pay to make it easier for yourself. Again, 234 00:14:41,000 --> 00:14:44,000 Speaker 1: reverse logic. If you know you make money when your 235 00:14:44,080 --> 00:14:46,800 Speaker 1: users are frustrated because they will need a premium service, 236 00:14:47,280 --> 00:14:49,359 Speaker 1: why would you not design the app to be frustrating 237 00:14:50,080 --> 00:14:52,760 Speaker 1: if your objective is money? And I know that sounds 238 00:14:52,760 --> 00:14:56,320 Speaker 1: all very like, oh my god, conspiracy theory, but the math, 239 00:14:56,400 --> 00:14:58,400 Speaker 1: like the data is right there that makes so much 240 00:14:58,440 --> 00:15:01,960 Speaker 1: money off of this? Would they design it to be amazing? 241 00:15:02,240 --> 00:15:04,120 Speaker 1: Why would they design it for everybody to meet their 242 00:15:04,120 --> 00:15:09,600 Speaker 1: soulmate within one swipe? It wouldn't their business model would 243 00:15:09,600 --> 00:15:13,720 Speaker 1: be could put? I think though, when you know this 244 00:15:13,880 --> 00:15:16,480 Speaker 1: and when you know that the apps are playing a 245 00:15:16,520 --> 00:15:20,880 Speaker 1: game with our emotions, playing a game with our vulnerable moments, 246 00:15:21,680 --> 00:15:23,640 Speaker 1: you can play them back, and that kind of brings 247 00:15:23,680 --> 00:15:29,520 Speaker 1: me naturally into tip number two. These apps operate on 248 00:15:30,200 --> 00:15:33,600 Speaker 1: a sense of lawlessness, and just like ambiguity and uncertainty, 249 00:15:33,960 --> 00:15:36,480 Speaker 1: that is why you have to have rules, very clear 250 00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:41,160 Speaker 1: rules for yourself for how to approach them. These rules 251 00:15:41,200 --> 00:15:44,200 Speaker 1: that you determine will obviously depend on who you are, 252 00:15:44,280 --> 00:15:48,120 Speaker 1: and they will change from person to person. But I 253 00:15:48,160 --> 00:15:51,880 Speaker 1: cannot stress enough firstly outlining what it is you actually 254 00:15:51,920 --> 00:15:57,080 Speaker 1: want from the app before you start swiping. Are you 255 00:15:57,080 --> 00:15:59,400 Speaker 1: looking for a relationship? Are you looking for something casual. 256 00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:04,160 Speaker 1: The moment that you start to kind of swing away 257 00:16:04,200 --> 00:16:07,440 Speaker 1: from that goal or lose touch with that goal, I 258 00:16:07,560 --> 00:16:11,200 Speaker 1: need you to take a break. Especially if you're looking 259 00:16:11,240 --> 00:16:13,880 Speaker 1: for a long term relationship and you're ending up in 260 00:16:13,920 --> 00:16:16,360 Speaker 1: all these small relationships, it just shows that you're being 261 00:16:16,360 --> 00:16:18,840 Speaker 1: overwhelmed such that you are not in touch with your 262 00:16:18,880 --> 00:16:23,640 Speaker 1: true desire anymore. Design your interactions with the app to 263 00:16:23,800 --> 00:16:26,560 Speaker 1: best suit your desired outcome. If you want a relationship, 264 00:16:26,560 --> 00:16:28,840 Speaker 1: if you want something casual, if you're not sure how 265 00:16:28,880 --> 00:16:30,840 Speaker 1: you approach it is going to determine what you get 266 00:16:31,080 --> 00:16:33,920 Speaker 1: from this situation. When we get a bit fed up 267 00:16:34,000 --> 00:16:37,680 Speaker 1: and fatigued, with swiping or liking or getting nowhere, we 268 00:16:37,800 --> 00:16:41,560 Speaker 1: definitely develop this scarcity mindset that pushes us into making 269 00:16:41,640 --> 00:16:44,400 Speaker 1: pretty poor decisions. This has happened to me. I remember, 270 00:16:44,520 --> 00:16:46,760 Speaker 1: like the dating apps were so exhausting back in the day, 271 00:16:46,880 --> 00:16:49,280 Speaker 1: like that I just started to lower my standards and 272 00:16:49,320 --> 00:16:54,160 Speaker 1: accept lesser treatment or accept people in that like I 273 00:16:54,200 --> 00:16:57,280 Speaker 1: had no future with and that's not and that wasn't 274 00:16:57,720 --> 00:17:01,080 Speaker 1: conducive to like the kind of relationship goals that I have. 275 00:17:01,880 --> 00:17:05,440 Speaker 1: Dating apps are uniquely brilliant at creating what I'd call 276 00:17:05,640 --> 00:17:10,800 Speaker 1: emotional loose threads. This is like half conversations, maybe plans, 277 00:17:10,960 --> 00:17:13,800 Speaker 1: ghost chats, people who pop back up every three weeks 278 00:17:13,840 --> 00:17:18,200 Speaker 1: like a freaking haunted Victorian child. And those loose threads 279 00:17:18,640 --> 00:17:21,840 Speaker 1: add to a big cognitive load, Like there is this 280 00:17:21,960 --> 00:17:26,640 Speaker 1: vague stress following us around everywhere because we've like poured 281 00:17:26,640 --> 00:17:28,320 Speaker 1: a little bit of energy into all these people and 282 00:17:28,359 --> 00:17:32,199 Speaker 1: we're kind of we can't keep track of them. Where 283 00:17:33,240 --> 00:17:36,480 Speaker 1: where is that energie going? We cannot sustain that forever. 284 00:17:36,600 --> 00:17:40,880 Speaker 1: Each one of those almost maybe in little things is taxing. 285 00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:44,160 Speaker 1: So when you put your rules in place, you protect 286 00:17:44,200 --> 00:17:49,480 Speaker 1: that energy from from I don't know, from the clutter. 287 00:17:49,960 --> 00:17:52,840 Speaker 1: I think we all need better dating app hygiene, like 288 00:17:53,359 --> 00:17:58,399 Speaker 1: do not leave your matches unattended or unanswered, like dirty 289 00:17:58,400 --> 00:18:01,520 Speaker 1: dishes or leftover food. If you're not going to touch 290 00:18:01,560 --> 00:18:03,720 Speaker 1: it in the next twelve to twenty four hours, you're 291 00:18:03,720 --> 00:18:08,200 Speaker 1: not gonna want it in two days or two months. Unmatch, 292 00:18:09,280 --> 00:18:12,120 Speaker 1: give them their time back, give yourself your time back, 293 00:18:12,280 --> 00:18:15,520 Speaker 1: like clean up after yourself. These are the specific rules 294 00:18:15,560 --> 00:18:17,280 Speaker 1: I know. I've kind of talked about this very abstractly. 295 00:18:17,359 --> 00:18:20,359 Speaker 1: The specific rules that I think you should instigate, take 296 00:18:20,400 --> 00:18:24,680 Speaker 1: it or leave it. Rule number one. When you match 297 00:18:24,720 --> 00:18:27,720 Speaker 1: with somebody, either of you have twenty four hours to message, 298 00:18:27,760 --> 00:18:32,399 Speaker 1: otherwise you unmatch. Simple. This shows like if somebody is interested, 299 00:18:32,440 --> 00:18:35,680 Speaker 1: if you're interested enough, you will you will reach out, 300 00:18:36,040 --> 00:18:40,479 Speaker 1: you will make contact. If not, no hard feelings like 301 00:18:40,560 --> 00:18:43,920 Speaker 1: this is the you know that scene in like The Blindside, 302 00:18:43,920 --> 00:18:45,360 Speaker 1: where it's like, if you don't like it in the store, 303 00:18:45,400 --> 00:18:47,520 Speaker 1: you're not gonna like it at home. Same with the 304 00:18:47,560 --> 00:18:51,240 Speaker 1: dating apps. If you don't like them at the first impression, 305 00:18:51,320 --> 00:18:52,919 Speaker 1: you're not gonna change your mind in two days. And 306 00:18:52,920 --> 00:18:54,560 Speaker 1: if you do change your mind, it's going to be 307 00:18:54,560 --> 00:18:59,080 Speaker 1: because you're bored, and that's not fair for anybody. Twenty 308 00:18:59,119 --> 00:19:03,120 Speaker 1: four hours unmatched. Another rule similar to that one, if 309 00:19:03,160 --> 00:19:06,960 Speaker 1: they've stopped replying, literally hit them up with like a hey, 310 00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:09,399 Speaker 1: where did you go? Kind of message in like a 311 00:19:09,480 --> 00:19:12,200 Speaker 1: kind funny way. If they don't respond to that message, 312 00:19:12,280 --> 00:19:15,679 Speaker 1: unmatch twelve hours, twenty four hours, especially if you've been 313 00:19:15,680 --> 00:19:19,840 Speaker 1: messaging pretty consistently up until that point. Again, we were 314 00:19:19,840 --> 00:19:22,359 Speaker 1: at stage one of the dating process. There is no 315 00:19:22,480 --> 00:19:25,360 Speaker 1: room for potential. There is only room for facts, like 316 00:19:26,160 --> 00:19:28,360 Speaker 1: if they can't come through right now, no, no, no. 317 00:19:28,920 --> 00:19:31,040 Speaker 1: A similar version of this. One of my friends actually 318 00:19:31,040 --> 00:19:33,879 Speaker 1: has this rule where if they haven't met up within 319 00:19:34,320 --> 00:19:36,240 Speaker 1: a week I think it is a week and a half, 320 00:19:36,920 --> 00:19:40,000 Speaker 1: or there isn't a concrete plan made to meet within 321 00:19:40,119 --> 00:19:44,479 Speaker 1: that next week, then she unmatches. It turns out that 322 00:19:44,560 --> 00:19:48,040 Speaker 1: a lot of the research into successful use of dating 323 00:19:48,080 --> 00:19:53,199 Speaker 1: apps backs this method up. Studies suggest that modality switching 324 00:19:53,240 --> 00:19:59,280 Speaker 1: basically moving from online to offline interactions is really beneficial 325 00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:02,160 Speaker 1: and it actually means that people are going to have 326 00:20:02,320 --> 00:20:07,080 Speaker 1: more fun or enjoy their dating experience more. Whereas online 327 00:20:07,160 --> 00:20:11,240 Speaker 1: chatting for extended periods of time actually increases a sense 328 00:20:11,320 --> 00:20:17,760 Speaker 1: of idealization, it inflates expectations, and it also increases the 329 00:20:17,840 --> 00:20:20,560 Speaker 1: risk of disappointment because you've built up a whole fantasy 330 00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:25,680 Speaker 1: without proof. So setting that timeline to talk within twenty 331 00:20:25,680 --> 00:20:28,679 Speaker 1: four hours, to expect replies within twenty four hours, to 332 00:20:28,800 --> 00:20:32,000 Speaker 1: meet within a week, or whatever your timeline is, protects 333 00:20:32,000 --> 00:20:35,800 Speaker 1: you from creating this parasocial fantasy attachment to someone who 334 00:20:35,920 --> 00:20:40,120 Speaker 1: at this stage is just a string of photos. It's 335 00:20:40,160 --> 00:20:42,040 Speaker 1: just like all you know about them is their texting 336 00:20:42,080 --> 00:20:45,600 Speaker 1: style and a few things that they've sent over message. 337 00:20:45,680 --> 00:20:51,080 Speaker 1: Another rule that I personally think everyone should abide by 338 00:20:51,320 --> 00:20:56,080 Speaker 1: is to actually limit your swipes. I know, like Hingein 339 00:20:56,160 --> 00:20:58,359 Speaker 1: tend to already do this, but like to limit it 340 00:20:58,400 --> 00:21:02,320 Speaker 1: to five a day, five yes I like them kind 341 00:21:02,320 --> 00:21:08,160 Speaker 1: of matches, or to definitely not swipe on anybody you think, hey, 342 00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:10,040 Speaker 1: I might have to change that about them if I 343 00:21:10,080 --> 00:21:13,400 Speaker 1: want to be with them long term, or like, oh 344 00:21:13,520 --> 00:21:15,480 Speaker 1: I'm not quite sure, maybe I'll give them a chance. 345 00:21:15,560 --> 00:21:18,640 Speaker 1: No chances you if you would not date them as 346 00:21:18,680 --> 00:21:22,359 Speaker 1: they are now, do not match them, like, do not 347 00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:26,199 Speaker 1: even consider it for potential. If someone says on their 348 00:21:26,240 --> 00:21:27,959 Speaker 1: profile and this is what I mean, it's not like, 349 00:21:27,960 --> 00:21:29,440 Speaker 1: oh I'm not sure because they don't like their shirt. 350 00:21:29,480 --> 00:21:31,760 Speaker 1: Like we were talking about before. I mean, like, if 351 00:21:31,760 --> 00:21:33,880 Speaker 1: someone says on their profile like they're looking for short 352 00:21:33,920 --> 00:21:37,000 Speaker 1: term and you're looking for long term, I'm sorry, they're 353 00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:39,720 Speaker 1: off limits. If someone smokes and you hate smoking, they're 354 00:21:39,760 --> 00:21:43,360 Speaker 1: off limits, no matter how attractive you find them. Please 355 00:21:43,440 --> 00:21:46,439 Speaker 1: know that this is not a challenge. It is a 356 00:21:46,440 --> 00:21:50,040 Speaker 1: mismatch and it is a recipe for disappointment if you 357 00:21:50,160 --> 00:21:53,560 Speaker 1: go for someone who you know isn't going to match 358 00:21:53,560 --> 00:21:58,120 Speaker 1: what you want in a partner. Potential is a trap 359 00:21:58,160 --> 00:22:00,879 Speaker 1: in these situations. It's the biggest trap were into because 360 00:22:01,320 --> 00:22:05,399 Speaker 1: it creates pseudo investment before you've even met. It also 361 00:22:05,520 --> 00:22:10,960 Speaker 1: keeps you in this low grade scarcity mindset, thinking like, oh, 362 00:22:11,119 --> 00:22:14,000 Speaker 1: maybe they have potential. Maybe this is the best I 363 00:22:14,040 --> 00:22:19,160 Speaker 1: can do. The whole point of dating is a mutual fit, 364 00:22:20,040 --> 00:22:22,400 Speaker 1: not to be their life coach, Not to mold somebody 365 00:22:22,680 --> 00:22:25,879 Speaker 1: into who you want them to be. So to summarize 366 00:22:25,920 --> 00:22:30,520 Speaker 1: tip number two, create digital and emotional boundaries around how 367 00:22:30,560 --> 00:22:34,440 Speaker 1: you pursue or are pursued on dating apps. And keep 368 00:22:34,480 --> 00:22:37,600 Speaker 1: it really neat and tidy. Clean up after yourself, keep 369 00:22:37,640 --> 00:22:41,280 Speaker 1: it clutter free. Okay, we're going to take another short 370 00:22:41,280 --> 00:22:44,640 Speaker 1: break here, but when we return, I have even more 371 00:22:44,680 --> 00:22:48,760 Speaker 1: tips for you, plus a guide to how to meet 372 00:22:48,760 --> 00:22:51,720 Speaker 1: people in person that I've seen be very successful with 373 00:22:51,880 --> 00:23:00,639 Speaker 1: some of my friends. To stay with us, Okay, we 374 00:23:00,680 --> 00:23:05,080 Speaker 1: are back tip number three. Talking about dating app guidelines, 375 00:23:05,760 --> 00:23:08,359 Speaker 1: I'm always of the belief that you should make the 376 00:23:08,400 --> 00:23:12,280 Speaker 1: first move. I don't care about rules. I don't care 377 00:23:12,320 --> 00:23:15,080 Speaker 1: about what roles men or women or people should play, 378 00:23:15,240 --> 00:23:18,680 Speaker 1: or dynamics or whatever it is. I just think rule 379 00:23:18,720 --> 00:23:24,199 Speaker 1: number six are less coy more forwardness. There's this really 380 00:23:24,400 --> 00:23:26,959 Speaker 1: annoying thing that we see a lot in modern dating is, 381 00:23:27,359 --> 00:23:30,120 Speaker 1: which is that like nobody wants to come off as 382 00:23:30,200 --> 00:23:35,199 Speaker 1: being too keen, but actually being proactive and being the 383 00:23:35,240 --> 00:23:40,120 Speaker 1: first one to move, to make that move often restores 384 00:23:40,480 --> 00:23:43,680 Speaker 1: a lot of agency and makes it feel less impossible 385 00:23:43,680 --> 00:23:47,160 Speaker 1: that you're going to meet somebody. I think the worst 386 00:23:47,200 --> 00:23:49,040 Speaker 1: thing that a dating app can do is make you 387 00:23:49,080 --> 00:23:52,560 Speaker 1: feel passive, make you feel like you're waiting around for 388 00:23:52,760 --> 00:23:56,399 Speaker 1: someone to come across you and to select you, or 389 00:23:56,440 --> 00:23:59,040 Speaker 1: for the algorithms to serve you up somebody that you 390 00:23:59,160 --> 00:24:04,399 Speaker 1: actually lie That powerlessness is not the attitude or the 391 00:24:04,400 --> 00:24:07,320 Speaker 1: feeling you want to have when you see someone you like, 392 00:24:08,080 --> 00:24:12,560 Speaker 1: open the door for them. The key thing here is 393 00:24:12,600 --> 00:24:15,119 Speaker 1: that making the first move does not mean doing all 394 00:24:15,119 --> 00:24:18,520 Speaker 1: of the emotional labor. Open the door. See if they 395 00:24:18,560 --> 00:24:21,639 Speaker 1: follow your lead, see if they walk through it. But 396 00:24:21,920 --> 00:24:24,439 Speaker 1: don't let it set the precedent that you're going to 397 00:24:24,800 --> 00:24:29,080 Speaker 1: do everything. I just think it's like a really great 398 00:24:29,280 --> 00:24:33,560 Speaker 1: first start. If they don't match the intention, and they 399 00:24:33,560 --> 00:24:36,880 Speaker 1: don't ask you questions or ask you whether you want 400 00:24:36,880 --> 00:24:39,880 Speaker 1: to meet up and about plans, and I just don't 401 00:24:39,920 --> 00:24:42,400 Speaker 1: simply think they're worth it. If you've been the one 402 00:24:42,440 --> 00:24:45,320 Speaker 1: to reach out, you know you've made it as easy 403 00:24:45,359 --> 00:24:47,679 Speaker 1: as possible for them to pick up on the momentum. 404 00:24:48,119 --> 00:24:50,520 Speaker 1: And if they don't, the harsh truth is that they're 405 00:24:50,560 --> 00:24:53,080 Speaker 1: simply just not that into you, or just don't have 406 00:24:53,119 --> 00:24:56,719 Speaker 1: the same capacity for conversation as you do for whatever reason. 407 00:24:57,480 --> 00:25:01,160 Speaker 1: That's when you apply that other rule that we have unmatched, 408 00:25:01,160 --> 00:25:03,440 Speaker 1: but rule number three a quick one, I would say, 409 00:25:03,480 --> 00:25:07,480 Speaker 1: always reach out first. My fourth tip is to make 410 00:25:07,520 --> 00:25:10,200 Speaker 1: your profile super clear and honest. If you're going to 411 00:25:10,480 --> 00:25:13,640 Speaker 1: survive the dating apps, give as much information as possible. 412 00:25:13,960 --> 00:25:17,840 Speaker 1: Overcome some of those choice overload barriers that other people 413 00:25:17,880 --> 00:25:20,960 Speaker 1: are experiencing that they're experiencing when they're looking at your 414 00:25:20,960 --> 00:25:24,080 Speaker 1: profile somebody else's profile. Make yourself stand out in a 415 00:25:24,119 --> 00:25:27,399 Speaker 1: really specific way. I actually had a bit of a 416 00:25:27,440 --> 00:25:31,119 Speaker 1: formula back in the day for how my profile should 417 00:25:31,119 --> 00:25:34,280 Speaker 1: be set up. Had this conversation with a dating coach 418 00:25:34,320 --> 00:25:38,120 Speaker 1: actually on the podcast, and she explained how she'd set 419 00:25:38,240 --> 00:25:42,000 Speaker 1: up the profiles of her single clients on dating apps. 420 00:25:42,880 --> 00:25:47,040 Speaker 1: So let's assume you're using hinge. The photos she recommended 421 00:25:47,119 --> 00:25:50,680 Speaker 1: you use were one close up, one full body, one 422 00:25:50,720 --> 00:25:54,840 Speaker 1: with your friends, one doing a hobby or like something 423 00:25:54,840 --> 00:25:59,800 Speaker 1: you love, and one conversation starter, so like your dog, 424 00:26:00,119 --> 00:26:03,639 Speaker 1: or like a meme, or like a picture of like 425 00:26:03,680 --> 00:26:06,720 Speaker 1: a broken foot. I don't know, Like this is the hook. 426 00:26:07,880 --> 00:26:09,840 Speaker 1: This is the picture that somebody can be like, ah, 427 00:26:09,960 --> 00:26:12,639 Speaker 1: I'm gonna grab onto this. This is a conversation starter. 428 00:26:13,320 --> 00:26:15,440 Speaker 1: And she said it should always be the last picture, 429 00:26:16,080 --> 00:26:17,959 Speaker 1: so you kind of know, like, hey, if someone has 430 00:26:18,000 --> 00:26:20,880 Speaker 1: responded to this picture, they've swiped all the way through, 431 00:26:21,080 --> 00:26:23,159 Speaker 1: like obviously they like what they see. They've made it 432 00:26:23,160 --> 00:26:27,720 Speaker 1: to the end. For questions for prompts for info, firstly, 433 00:26:28,119 --> 00:26:30,760 Speaker 1: be like super clear about your intentions. I feel like 434 00:26:30,800 --> 00:26:34,760 Speaker 1: that goes without saying, just be as open and honest 435 00:26:35,040 --> 00:26:39,840 Speaker 1: as you can be. Secondly, choose the most open ended 436 00:26:39,880 --> 00:26:44,520 Speaker 1: prompts that you can the god tear hinge prompt, and 437 00:26:44,560 --> 00:26:48,120 Speaker 1: I believe it always has been this is together. We 438 00:26:48,160 --> 00:26:52,200 Speaker 1: could together, we could best hinge prompt. Insert your answer 439 00:26:52,320 --> 00:26:54,960 Speaker 1: something sincere that shows off your true intentions. But it 440 00:26:55,000 --> 00:26:57,879 Speaker 1: is also funny. One of my friends had like, together, 441 00:26:57,920 --> 00:27:01,520 Speaker 1: we could get matching tattoos. Your choice first, like you 442 00:27:01,600 --> 00:27:05,080 Speaker 1: choose which I love because she's like, she's a little wild, 443 00:27:05,119 --> 00:27:07,920 Speaker 1: she's looking for something long term. She's like very lovingly, 444 00:27:07,960 --> 00:27:10,800 Speaker 1: the most intense person you'll ever meet. She has a 445 00:27:10,800 --> 00:27:14,639 Speaker 1: tattoo with her now boyfriend. And the responses that she 446 00:27:14,680 --> 00:27:16,520 Speaker 1: would get were like amazing because it was such a 447 00:27:16,520 --> 00:27:19,680 Speaker 1: fun conversation starter, but it also showed intentions. The other 448 00:27:19,800 --> 00:27:23,200 Speaker 1: good prompts are I geek out on and then add 449 00:27:23,200 --> 00:27:25,679 Speaker 1: your response and then a little bit about you, And 450 00:27:25,720 --> 00:27:27,760 Speaker 1: the easiest one is like you should leave a comment. 451 00:27:27,840 --> 00:27:32,679 Speaker 1: If open endedness in these situations is rewarded greatly, and 452 00:27:32,840 --> 00:27:35,280 Speaker 1: on an app or a platform that is designed for 453 00:27:35,320 --> 00:27:40,720 Speaker 1: first impressions and wants you to make instantaneous decisions, give 454 00:27:40,760 --> 00:27:43,399 Speaker 1: people a reason to pause, give people a reason to 455 00:27:43,640 --> 00:27:48,439 Speaker 1: think a little bit more about about you. Now, what 456 00:27:48,560 --> 00:27:51,119 Speaker 1: I don't mean by saying this is like, try and 457 00:27:51,160 --> 00:27:54,240 Speaker 1: make your profile as appealing to absolutely everybody as possible. 458 00:27:54,920 --> 00:27:57,920 Speaker 1: I want you to niche down. What you should do 459 00:27:57,960 --> 00:28:01,520 Speaker 1: instead is make it representative, but to make it very specific. 460 00:28:02,359 --> 00:28:05,040 Speaker 1: Who are you as a person? How would people describe you? 461 00:28:05,080 --> 00:28:09,760 Speaker 1: Like if I could tell, Like if I could maybe 462 00:28:09,800 --> 00:28:13,240 Speaker 1: crack like your social Security code or like your social 463 00:28:13,240 --> 00:28:15,800 Speaker 1: security questions from your hind profile or your Tinder profile, 464 00:28:15,800 --> 00:28:19,560 Speaker 1: You've done a great job. Think of your profile not 465 00:28:19,640 --> 00:28:22,800 Speaker 1: as a resume, but as a filter for people applying 466 00:28:22,840 --> 00:28:26,240 Speaker 1: for you. Even include some of your deal breakers on there. 467 00:28:26,240 --> 00:28:29,480 Speaker 1: If you'd like like that, leave a comment. One. That's 468 00:28:29,480 --> 00:28:31,120 Speaker 1: a great one to kind of like see if someone 469 00:28:31,119 --> 00:28:34,119 Speaker 1: aligns on your values, Like leave a comment. If you 470 00:28:34,240 --> 00:28:37,399 Speaker 1: prefer an alcohol free first date, leave a comment. If 471 00:28:37,440 --> 00:28:40,200 Speaker 1: you have no desire to go camping, leave a comment 472 00:28:40,240 --> 00:28:42,240 Speaker 1: if your mom is the first person you're gonna call 473 00:28:42,320 --> 00:28:45,120 Speaker 1: after our first date. I love that one. It's a 474 00:28:45,160 --> 00:28:49,800 Speaker 1: filter again for them applying to you. Also, and I 475 00:28:49,800 --> 00:28:53,480 Speaker 1: feel like this goes without saying, use better photos and 476 00:28:54,440 --> 00:28:56,400 Speaker 1: if you want to be successful on the dating apps. 477 00:28:56,520 --> 00:28:59,120 Speaker 1: Get your friends to choose your photos for you, and 478 00:28:59,160 --> 00:29:02,000 Speaker 1: then get them to a for you as well, Like 479 00:29:02,080 --> 00:29:05,080 Speaker 1: get them to choose every single photo. Trust me, this 480 00:29:05,200 --> 00:29:08,760 Speaker 1: is honestly one of the things I did, and it's 481 00:29:08,800 --> 00:29:12,400 Speaker 1: the tip that I give people the most frequently. I'm 482 00:29:12,440 --> 00:29:15,840 Speaker 1: not an expert, like meeting somebody on a danty at 483 00:29:15,880 --> 00:29:19,160 Speaker 1: doesn't make me an expert obviously, but I will say 484 00:29:19,680 --> 00:29:23,600 Speaker 1: my profile was always the most successful when I let 485 00:29:23,680 --> 00:29:26,280 Speaker 1: my friends put it together and choose my pictures for me. 486 00:29:27,120 --> 00:29:31,600 Speaker 1: Why because I think we often don't perceive ourselves in 487 00:29:31,640 --> 00:29:35,280 Speaker 1: the most flattering or realistic way, and the photos we choose. 488 00:29:35,320 --> 00:29:40,880 Speaker 1: I've often found this reflect countless unconscious reflections on insecurities 489 00:29:41,320 --> 00:29:44,320 Speaker 1: that we've had for years. I remember one of my 490 00:29:44,360 --> 00:29:48,640 Speaker 1: friends looking through my hinge once and being like, every 491 00:29:48,680 --> 00:29:51,120 Speaker 1: single one of these photos you're only showing the left 492 00:29:51,160 --> 00:29:53,040 Speaker 1: side of your face, and like you don't have a 493 00:29:53,080 --> 00:29:55,760 Speaker 1: single body photo. These photos all look the same, and 494 00:29:55,800 --> 00:29:58,000 Speaker 1: they genuinely were like the exact same photo, just in 495 00:29:58,040 --> 00:30:01,120 Speaker 1: a different phone, and I hadn't even realized. This is 496 00:30:01,160 --> 00:30:06,080 Speaker 1: called in psychology unconscious impression management, and it's the ways 497 00:30:06,080 --> 00:30:09,800 Speaker 1: we try to control how we're perceived without even realizing it, 498 00:30:10,320 --> 00:30:14,240 Speaker 1: mainly due to our own self objectification and our own 499 00:30:14,280 --> 00:30:18,600 Speaker 1: self monitoring. It's like the same principle behind why people 500 00:30:18,600 --> 00:30:22,920 Speaker 1: body check, or people always gravitate towards certain colors or 501 00:30:22,960 --> 00:30:26,280 Speaker 1: types of clothes, or they don't smile with all their 502 00:30:26,280 --> 00:30:28,760 Speaker 1: teeth displayed. With things like that, we all do them 503 00:30:28,760 --> 00:30:31,240 Speaker 1: by the way we all do them dating apps. This 504 00:30:31,400 --> 00:30:34,680 Speaker 1: is like one of the only times in life where 505 00:30:34,680 --> 00:30:37,600 Speaker 1: we really get to choose how we're going to be perceived. 506 00:30:38,200 --> 00:30:41,320 Speaker 1: That sounds like great news, but also at times it 507 00:30:41,360 --> 00:30:47,120 Speaker 1: can mean projecting someone we're not and actually projecting a 508 00:30:47,200 --> 00:30:49,800 Speaker 1: version of us that is worse than who we actually 509 00:30:49,800 --> 00:30:53,560 Speaker 1: are because we're trying to hide insecurities that other people 510 00:30:53,600 --> 00:30:57,360 Speaker 1: don't even notice. Other people love about us. So get 511 00:30:57,400 --> 00:31:00,400 Speaker 1: your friends to choose your dating app photos, get them 512 00:31:00,440 --> 00:31:03,120 Speaker 1: to arrange them, even just give them like a selection 513 00:31:03,200 --> 00:31:07,719 Speaker 1: of like thirty or forty, and you just see the difference. 514 00:31:07,760 --> 00:31:13,479 Speaker 1: It's It's insane, Okay. Tip number five, probably my favorite 515 00:31:13,480 --> 00:31:17,040 Speaker 1: tip of them all, don't stop meeting people in real life. 516 00:31:17,560 --> 00:31:20,440 Speaker 1: Dating apps work as a tool for meeting people, they 517 00:31:20,480 --> 00:31:26,000 Speaker 1: shouldn't be your own only solution for romantic interaction. I've 518 00:31:26,040 --> 00:31:29,120 Speaker 1: noticed online a lot of discourse around how people are 519 00:31:29,160 --> 00:31:32,880 Speaker 1: now leaving the dating apps in like droves for in 520 00:31:32,920 --> 00:31:37,800 Speaker 1: person meetups, for speed dating nights, for dating trivia nights, 521 00:31:37,920 --> 00:31:41,040 Speaker 1: simply because it's absolutely exhausting to do all that work 522 00:31:41,080 --> 00:31:45,800 Speaker 1: and never actually meet people. In the UK specifically in 523 00:31:45,840 --> 00:31:49,080 Speaker 1: the UK specifically, there was an online report that documented 524 00:31:49,120 --> 00:31:53,000 Speaker 1: how there have been major declines in the usage of 525 00:31:53,160 --> 00:31:56,760 Speaker 1: dating apps like Tinder, Hinge and Bumble compared to the 526 00:31:56,800 --> 00:31:59,840 Speaker 1: previous year. There was also a twenty twenty five study 527 00:32:00,080 --> 00:32:04,760 Speaker 1: done by researchers in Germany who basically interviewed all these 528 00:32:04,800 --> 00:32:08,640 Speaker 1: people and found really high signs of dating app fatigue, 529 00:32:09,160 --> 00:32:11,400 Speaker 1: with a lot of participants feeling like they were really 530 00:32:11,440 --> 00:32:17,480 Speaker 1: worn down by repetitive interactions, by unclear intentions, by how 531 00:32:17,520 --> 00:32:20,200 Speaker 1: emotional it was to just have all these like like 532 00:32:20,280 --> 00:32:24,560 Speaker 1: these tiny mini connections with people that went nowhere. I 533 00:32:24,600 --> 00:32:26,760 Speaker 1: honestly think a lot of people are mainly sick of 534 00:32:26,840 --> 00:32:30,520 Speaker 1: like the transactional nature of it all. It's like all 535 00:32:31,240 --> 00:32:35,800 Speaker 1: trends or all cultural phenomena. There's always a counterculture after 536 00:32:35,880 --> 00:32:37,920 Speaker 1: a while, after things have kind of settled or been 537 00:32:37,960 --> 00:32:40,960 Speaker 1: the norm for a bit. There's always going to be 538 00:32:41,200 --> 00:32:44,200 Speaker 1: like this point where people are like, oh, wait, that 539 00:32:44,240 --> 00:32:46,760 Speaker 1: thing we had before was actually really really good, Like 540 00:32:47,840 --> 00:32:50,160 Speaker 1: that thing the way that we were operating before this 541 00:32:50,600 --> 00:32:52,360 Speaker 1: wasn't all that bad. Let's go back there for a 542 00:32:52,400 --> 00:32:56,400 Speaker 1: little bit. Everything in our lives has turned into something 543 00:32:56,440 --> 00:33:01,080 Speaker 1: of convenience efficiency. We can get literally every at our fingertips. 544 00:33:01,120 --> 00:33:05,320 Speaker 1: We can get humor, validation, anger now supposedly love at 545 00:33:05,320 --> 00:33:07,640 Speaker 1: our fingertips. And I think people are getting fed up 546 00:33:07,680 --> 00:33:10,960 Speaker 1: with our dating lives turning into like another form of 547 00:33:10,960 --> 00:33:15,240 Speaker 1: oberates or another form of gambling. It's the same reason 548 00:33:15,560 --> 00:33:18,720 Speaker 1: why I think there's been a resurgence, you know, platonically 549 00:33:18,760 --> 00:33:23,480 Speaker 1: in like eighties and nineties club activities like run clubs, 550 00:33:23,480 --> 00:33:26,640 Speaker 1: book clubs, cinema clubs, outdoor clubs. I'm sure we're going 551 00:33:26,720 --> 00:33:29,480 Speaker 1: to be doing tupperwork clubs any like in the next 552 00:33:29,520 --> 00:33:35,000 Speaker 1: three months. I'm envisioning it as a trend on TikTok. Honestly, 553 00:33:35,000 --> 00:33:37,360 Speaker 1: it's a great place to meet people if you're committed 554 00:33:37,400 --> 00:33:40,880 Speaker 1: to meeting someone in real life. Choose one kind of 555 00:33:40,960 --> 00:33:45,320 Speaker 1: like mixed gender social based activity and be there weekly, 556 00:33:46,000 --> 00:33:48,200 Speaker 1: or choose a night of the week where you're like, 557 00:33:48,280 --> 00:33:51,200 Speaker 1: this is my dating night. I will be going out 558 00:33:51,240 --> 00:33:53,960 Speaker 1: and I will be meeting people. Trivia nights are another 559 00:33:54,040 --> 00:33:56,760 Speaker 1: good one. Supper nights. I actually have a really funny 560 00:33:56,800 --> 00:33:59,200 Speaker 1: story about this. I've obviously just moved to London. I'm 561 00:33:59,240 --> 00:34:01,400 Speaker 1: in a very happy relationship, but I'm like looking for 562 00:34:01,480 --> 00:34:04,760 Speaker 1: friends and so I was like looking up supper clubs 563 00:34:05,200 --> 00:34:07,080 Speaker 1: and I found this random supper club. It was like 564 00:34:07,120 --> 00:34:09,520 Speaker 1: Geese supper Club or something, and I was like, oh, 565 00:34:09,600 --> 00:34:12,040 Speaker 1: that seems really fun. Geese. You know, they go and 566 00:34:12,200 --> 00:34:13,920 Speaker 1: they have these dinners, and I was like, I love 567 00:34:13,960 --> 00:34:16,400 Speaker 1: to go out for dinner. So I bought me and 568 00:34:16,440 --> 00:34:19,200 Speaker 1: my best friend was also in a relationship, a ticket 569 00:34:19,960 --> 00:34:22,440 Speaker 1: and we like get this email and it's like, are 570 00:34:22,480 --> 00:34:24,600 Speaker 1: you ready to meet your soulmate? And I was like, oh, 571 00:34:25,160 --> 00:34:27,640 Speaker 1: this is a dating night. So we didn't end up going, 572 00:34:27,719 --> 00:34:30,480 Speaker 1: But there's so many of those. Check these guys out. 573 00:34:30,480 --> 00:34:33,000 Speaker 1: I think their next event might have two free seats 574 00:34:33,040 --> 00:34:37,200 Speaker 1: because unfortunately we can't make it. But another way to 575 00:34:37,239 --> 00:34:39,640 Speaker 1: do this supper clubs trivia I've already said those, but 576 00:34:40,360 --> 00:34:44,879 Speaker 1: start giving people your number. Do it. I'm serious. Take 577 00:34:44,920 --> 00:34:48,600 Speaker 1: it as rejection therapy. If they reject you. You win 578 00:34:48,840 --> 00:34:50,719 Speaker 1: because you realize it's not a big deal and you'll 579 00:34:50,760 --> 00:34:55,640 Speaker 1: continue to thrive and be brave if you know they 580 00:34:55,680 --> 00:34:59,160 Speaker 1: do say yes, great, you've got a date. I was 581 00:34:59,200 --> 00:35:02,680 Speaker 1: at the pub the other night and someone gave this 582 00:35:02,800 --> 00:35:06,160 Speaker 1: girl his number, and me and my friend were watching 583 00:35:06,200 --> 00:35:08,920 Speaker 1: this interaction and we were like his friends. It was 584 00:35:09,000 --> 00:35:10,640 Speaker 1: kind of this weird sitting where we could see what 585 00:35:10,680 --> 00:35:12,839 Speaker 1: was happening, but she couldn't see what was happening behind her, 586 00:35:13,360 --> 00:35:15,640 Speaker 1: and his friends were like hyping him up, like they 587 00:35:15,680 --> 00:35:18,400 Speaker 1: were like pushing him to do it, and then she 588 00:35:18,560 --> 00:35:21,720 Speaker 1: was blushing, and it was just really he was blushing. 589 00:35:21,760 --> 00:35:25,399 Speaker 1: It was that was just like romance right there. Get 590 00:35:25,400 --> 00:35:28,680 Speaker 1: your number printed on some business cards, give them out. 591 00:35:29,200 --> 00:35:32,440 Speaker 1: You have nothing to lose. Also, ask your friends to 592 00:35:32,600 --> 00:35:36,520 Speaker 1: set you up, especially your friends with boyfriends or girlfriends 593 00:35:37,120 --> 00:35:42,200 Speaker 1: or partners, because guess what, guess what those partners have, 594 00:35:42,280 --> 00:35:44,959 Speaker 1: they have single friends of their own. And let's be real, 595 00:35:45,280 --> 00:35:47,560 Speaker 1: everyone has the dream of dating best friends or at 596 00:35:47,640 --> 00:35:50,319 Speaker 1: least close friends. They will be like they will be 597 00:35:50,360 --> 00:35:52,440 Speaker 1: on it like veggiemine on toast, like as soon as 598 00:35:52,440 --> 00:35:55,520 Speaker 1: my single girlfriends are like, I want to meet somebody. 599 00:35:55,840 --> 00:35:58,680 Speaker 1: Tom's friends are getting interrogated. I'm going through his recent 600 00:35:58,719 --> 00:36:02,680 Speaker 1: texts like to remind my self who our eligible bachelors are. 601 00:36:03,360 --> 00:36:06,959 Speaker 1: A date is being planned, mark my words. I've also 602 00:36:07,080 --> 00:36:11,319 Speaker 1: seen success with like speed dating meetups as well. Or 603 00:36:11,400 --> 00:36:14,640 Speaker 1: there is this one club in London that I love. 604 00:36:14,680 --> 00:36:16,640 Speaker 1: The woman who runs it is so cool and it's 605 00:36:16,640 --> 00:36:20,640 Speaker 1: called scouting for sexies, where they go around London pubs 606 00:36:20,680 --> 00:36:25,560 Speaker 1: and like hang out with the girls but also chat 607 00:36:25,640 --> 00:36:27,320 Speaker 1: up guys I think are cute for the fun of it, 608 00:36:27,440 --> 00:36:30,080 Speaker 1: with the vibes and like with their friends. This is 609 00:36:30,480 --> 00:36:33,640 Speaker 1: the energy we're bringing. These are the spaces we want 610 00:36:33,640 --> 00:36:36,279 Speaker 1: to be in When dating apps are exhausting, I think 611 00:36:36,360 --> 00:36:38,719 Speaker 1: meeting people in person it just gets rid of that 612 00:36:40,000 --> 00:36:42,799 Speaker 1: first layer of bullshit if I'm being honest, like it's 613 00:36:42,880 --> 00:36:46,919 Speaker 1: one less layer of pretense. You get like a much 614 00:36:47,000 --> 00:36:50,279 Speaker 1: richest sense of who someone is in person. You know, 615 00:36:50,560 --> 00:36:54,080 Speaker 1: whether there's that warmth, that humor just seeing what their 616 00:36:54,200 --> 00:36:56,600 Speaker 1: energy is like. And you've also already cleared like the 617 00:36:56,640 --> 00:37:00,400 Speaker 1: first three barriers that dating apps usually put up as well, 618 00:37:00,840 --> 00:37:03,040 Speaker 1: you know, having to match, having to talk, having to 619 00:37:03,040 --> 00:37:05,720 Speaker 1: make plans. You skip all that, you're already on stage 620 00:37:05,719 --> 00:37:10,160 Speaker 1: four and just that shared context as well, can make 621 00:37:10,400 --> 00:37:14,479 Speaker 1: closeness feel much more natural, much quicker, because there's less 622 00:37:14,520 --> 00:37:19,040 Speaker 1: pressure to perform. If you're serious about surviving the dating apps, 623 00:37:19,800 --> 00:37:23,080 Speaker 1: I think my message here is don't become dependent on them. 624 00:37:23,520 --> 00:37:26,719 Speaker 1: Don't let their dominance limit how you think people meet 625 00:37:26,760 --> 00:37:30,160 Speaker 1: and fall in love. Because there are still offline love stories. 626 00:37:30,200 --> 00:37:36,000 Speaker 1: I promise you yours could very easily be the next one. 627 00:37:36,160 --> 00:37:39,000 Speaker 1: I'm sensing it. Okay, we're going to take one more 628 00:37:39,000 --> 00:37:42,280 Speaker 1: short break, but when we return, I have two final 629 00:37:42,400 --> 00:37:51,640 Speaker 1: tips for you to stay with us. This is probably 630 00:37:51,880 --> 00:37:56,759 Speaker 1: my least practical tip of all, but my most important tip. 631 00:37:56,840 --> 00:38:01,480 Speaker 1: Number six. Take absolutely nothing personally nothing. Commit to being 632 00:38:02,080 --> 00:38:07,280 Speaker 1: as stoic as possible about the losses. Dating apps generate, again, 633 00:38:07,480 --> 00:38:12,040 Speaker 1: an extraordinary amount of ambiguous social feedback. It might be 634 00:38:12,040 --> 00:38:14,160 Speaker 1: a match who never replies and you assume that that 635 00:38:14,200 --> 00:38:17,719 Speaker 1: says something about you, or someone who's really enthusiastic, and 636 00:38:17,760 --> 00:38:19,160 Speaker 1: then you go on one day you never hear from 637 00:38:19,200 --> 00:38:21,680 Speaker 1: them again, even though you thought it went really well. 638 00:38:22,280 --> 00:38:26,480 Speaker 1: And this ambiguity is naturally very confusing for our minds. 639 00:38:26,960 --> 00:38:30,000 Speaker 1: That kind of doesn't know where to store that information, 640 00:38:30,120 --> 00:38:33,720 Speaker 1: It doesn't know what that situation meant, so we fill 641 00:38:33,760 --> 00:38:37,600 Speaker 1: in the blanks with the most ego centric answers possible, 642 00:38:38,120 --> 00:38:41,160 Speaker 1: the one the answer that puts our actions and our 643 00:38:41,200 --> 00:38:44,440 Speaker 1: words at the center. I was boring, I said something wrong, 644 00:38:44,800 --> 00:38:48,160 Speaker 1: I wasn't cool enough. It's very egotistical, like I said, 645 00:38:48,560 --> 00:38:50,880 Speaker 1: And there's no wonder. You know, we've spoken about this 646 00:38:50,920 --> 00:38:54,200 Speaker 1: on the podcast before, but we know from research that 647 00:38:54,280 --> 00:38:58,839 Speaker 1: social rejection literally hurts us physically, but it will hurt 648 00:38:58,920 --> 00:39:02,239 Speaker 1: you less when you focus on the reasons that have 649 00:39:02,360 --> 00:39:05,000 Speaker 1: nothing to do with you at all, and you actually 650 00:39:05,200 --> 00:39:10,000 Speaker 1: stop putting yourself at the center here. If you did 651 00:39:10,040 --> 00:39:14,320 Speaker 1: get a reply but then communication drops off, you know what, Yeah, 652 00:39:14,600 --> 00:39:17,640 Speaker 1: they could be dating somebody else. They could also be overwhelmed. 653 00:39:17,719 --> 00:39:20,480 Speaker 1: They could be dealing with personal stuff. They could realize 654 00:39:20,480 --> 00:39:23,759 Speaker 1: they're not over their ex They maybe are just thoughtless. 655 00:39:24,000 --> 00:39:28,520 Speaker 1: Maybe they just wanted a bit of validation. Who cares? 656 00:39:28,840 --> 00:39:33,440 Speaker 1: Who cares? There are so many explanations that have nothing 657 00:39:33,480 --> 00:39:36,960 Speaker 1: to do with you. Learn to ignore everything but the 658 00:39:37,000 --> 00:39:40,719 Speaker 1: positive experiences. However you want to sell it to yourself. 659 00:39:41,160 --> 00:39:44,680 Speaker 1: On the apps, the barrier to matching with somebody is 660 00:39:44,719 --> 00:39:46,840 Speaker 1: so tiny you could literally do it in a second. 661 00:39:47,239 --> 00:39:51,160 Speaker 1: So you have to remember, like the perceived cost of 662 00:39:51,320 --> 00:39:55,279 Speaker 1: just disappearing is also really small. People don't think about it. 663 00:39:55,480 --> 00:39:58,720 Speaker 1: People get very callous, and they swipe when they're bored, 664 00:39:59,000 --> 00:40:03,439 Speaker 1: when they're lonely, when you know they have nothing to do. 665 00:40:03,719 --> 00:40:06,399 Speaker 1: I can admit I even did that. Everyone does it. 666 00:40:07,600 --> 00:40:09,880 Speaker 1: Dating apps make you a kind of a mean person 667 00:40:10,120 --> 00:40:14,040 Speaker 1: and a careless person. Don't take a match as a promise. 668 00:40:14,120 --> 00:40:17,160 Speaker 1: It's it's not a sign of intention. A message is 669 00:40:17,200 --> 00:40:20,360 Speaker 1: a sign of intention. A match is nothing. It's just 670 00:40:20,400 --> 00:40:22,719 Speaker 1: a quick signal that they find you attractive, they like 671 00:40:22,760 --> 00:40:27,880 Speaker 1: your vibe. But the sheer volume of people on the 672 00:40:27,920 --> 00:40:32,480 Speaker 1: apps that we're exposed to means that again, our brains 673 00:40:33,360 --> 00:40:36,560 Speaker 1: aren't actually equipped to deal with all that information. And 674 00:40:36,600 --> 00:40:39,919 Speaker 1: that is why when people don't always follow through, it's 675 00:40:39,960 --> 00:40:43,600 Speaker 1: not reflective of anything about you. It's reflective of the 676 00:40:43,640 --> 00:40:47,160 Speaker 1: design of the app, of how they are made to 677 00:40:47,200 --> 00:40:50,360 Speaker 1: make money. Like we've spoken about, one of my friends 678 00:40:50,440 --> 00:40:53,920 Speaker 1: actually has this beautiful way of saying it. Every time 679 00:40:54,719 --> 00:40:58,040 Speaker 1: a couple finds each other on an app, there are five, ten, 680 00:40:58,080 --> 00:41:02,120 Speaker 1: maybe fifteen people they were talking to whose story ends there, 681 00:41:02,800 --> 00:41:06,319 Speaker 1: who was left disappointed. But those stories have to end 682 00:41:06,320 --> 00:41:08,439 Speaker 1: for that other story to work out, and when you 683 00:41:08,560 --> 00:41:12,000 Speaker 1: finally find somebody that it works out with, there will 684 00:41:12,040 --> 00:41:15,480 Speaker 1: be stories that prematurely end for others as well in 685 00:41:15,560 --> 00:41:19,000 Speaker 1: order for yours to begin. It's all in exchange. You're 686 00:41:19,040 --> 00:41:22,480 Speaker 1: paying your dues, you're ticking off your numbers, you're paying 687 00:41:22,520 --> 00:41:26,640 Speaker 1: your tax. However you want to see it to remain neutral, 688 00:41:26,760 --> 00:41:30,320 Speaker 1: then neutrality is important. I know that it all sounds 689 00:41:30,320 --> 00:41:33,960 Speaker 1: a little bit brutal, but stoicism acceptance of that nature 690 00:41:34,080 --> 00:41:38,239 Speaker 1: is freedom and anything. Really. That brings me to our 691 00:41:38,320 --> 00:41:42,040 Speaker 1: last tip, tip number seven. If you want to survive 692 00:41:42,120 --> 00:41:46,839 Speaker 1: the dating apps periodically, you need to delete the dating apps, 693 00:41:47,600 --> 00:41:49,759 Speaker 1: especially the moment they start to feel like a chore 694 00:41:50,520 --> 00:41:54,080 Speaker 1: or you feel like it's been weeks since you wanted 695 00:41:54,120 --> 00:41:56,839 Speaker 1: to go on a date with anyone. That is a 696 00:41:56,840 --> 00:41:59,640 Speaker 1: great sign you are at the tail end of a burnout. 697 00:42:00,040 --> 00:42:01,600 Speaker 1: I think there is, and I know there is a 698 00:42:01,600 --> 00:42:05,000 Speaker 1: pressure to be like dating at one hundred percent. If 699 00:42:05,040 --> 00:42:08,319 Speaker 1: you say you're dating and showing up day after day 700 00:42:08,360 --> 00:42:10,880 Speaker 1: on the apps out of fear that you're going to 701 00:42:10,920 --> 00:42:12,920 Speaker 1: miss the love of your life and never have an 702 00:42:12,960 --> 00:42:15,440 Speaker 1: opportunity to match with them again, do you know how 703 00:42:15,480 --> 00:42:18,600 Speaker 1: many times I match with the same people multiple times, 704 00:42:18,640 --> 00:42:23,080 Speaker 1: like because I deleted it and came back. You don't 705 00:42:23,120 --> 00:42:28,439 Speaker 1: have to become permanently disenfranchised with dating because you keep 706 00:42:28,440 --> 00:42:30,319 Speaker 1: thinking you need to push through the burnout that the 707 00:42:30,320 --> 00:42:33,880 Speaker 1: apps bring you want to be able to have a 708 00:42:33,920 --> 00:42:38,040 Speaker 1: healthy relationship with this. I think deleting when you feel 709 00:42:38,080 --> 00:42:41,200 Speaker 1: like you and the apps aren't clicking. Taking two to 710 00:42:41,320 --> 00:42:44,520 Speaker 1: three months off reduces the pessimism that you can have 711 00:42:44,600 --> 00:42:47,759 Speaker 1: around all dating. But additionally, I think it will also 712 00:42:47,960 --> 00:42:52,160 Speaker 1: reduce the chances of you settling for less just so 713 00:42:52,200 --> 00:42:54,239 Speaker 1: that you can stop dating, just so that you can 714 00:42:54,320 --> 00:42:58,520 Speaker 1: feel less frustrated. And it also stops you from getting 715 00:42:58,920 --> 00:43:03,399 Speaker 1: too emotionally invest in people who don't respond or who 716 00:43:03,440 --> 00:43:06,280 Speaker 1: don't get back to you, because the sense of urgency 717 00:43:06,360 --> 00:43:10,360 Speaker 1: is less intense. I will say, when I met my 718 00:43:10,600 --> 00:43:14,160 Speaker 1: partner Tom on Hinge, I had done a six month 719 00:43:14,320 --> 00:43:18,000 Speaker 1: dating app Detox, and I'm not saying this is going 720 00:43:18,080 --> 00:43:20,920 Speaker 1: to happen to you, but I redownloaded the app and 721 00:43:20,920 --> 00:43:22,680 Speaker 1: he was the first person I matched with. And that's 722 00:43:22,719 --> 00:43:25,640 Speaker 1: the thing. When you are feeling more high energy, you 723 00:43:25,680 --> 00:43:28,480 Speaker 1: can come back and actually start having fun with it again. 724 00:43:29,239 --> 00:43:31,520 Speaker 1: Like I felt like there was nothing left for me, 725 00:43:31,560 --> 00:43:33,080 Speaker 1: and then it was like, oh, this great person had 726 00:43:33,120 --> 00:43:36,200 Speaker 1: rejoined whilst I was gone. Then you can really organize 727 00:43:36,239 --> 00:43:38,200 Speaker 1: loads of dates. You get to talk to people you're 728 00:43:38,239 --> 00:43:42,359 Speaker 1: actually interested in. You just get to like enjoy it. 729 00:43:42,800 --> 00:43:46,560 Speaker 1: One of my favorite creators called rach I think her 730 00:43:46,600 --> 00:43:49,000 Speaker 1: name's like rage Rat or something. It's I think it's 731 00:43:49,040 --> 00:43:54,200 Speaker 1: rache Rat, but she posts her dating diaries on TikTok 732 00:43:54,800 --> 00:43:57,759 Speaker 1: and something she says is that the early stages of 733 00:43:57,840 --> 00:44:00,600 Speaker 1: dating is only meant to be two things, sex and fun, 734 00:44:01,320 --> 00:44:04,280 Speaker 1: sexy and fun, and if they're not, what is the point. 735 00:44:04,760 --> 00:44:07,359 Speaker 1: So if you feel like your options are dwindling, come 736 00:44:07,400 --> 00:44:10,840 Speaker 1: back two, three, four months, six months. Also there's gonna 737 00:44:10,920 --> 00:44:13,719 Speaker 1: like the reserves are going to be refreshed, Like it's 738 00:44:13,760 --> 00:44:16,000 Speaker 1: gonna be a whole new set of people. People break 739 00:44:16,080 --> 00:44:18,840 Speaker 1: up all the time, People suddenly heal from breakups and 740 00:44:18,880 --> 00:44:21,200 Speaker 1: come back on the apps all the time, back on 741 00:44:21,239 --> 00:44:24,480 Speaker 1: the market. The last thing dating apps should make you 742 00:44:24,520 --> 00:44:27,960 Speaker 1: feel is like your options are limited or scarce, because 743 00:44:28,000 --> 00:44:29,920 Speaker 1: that is what they want you to feel, and they 744 00:44:30,040 --> 00:44:33,080 Speaker 1: and they want to trap you into spending money and 745 00:44:33,320 --> 00:44:38,400 Speaker 1: maybe even settling. So remember fun and sexy is your objective. 746 00:44:39,440 --> 00:44:42,120 Speaker 1: Dating burnout is so real and it's not sexy and 747 00:44:42,160 --> 00:44:45,360 Speaker 1: it's not fun. So take a step back until you 748 00:44:45,400 --> 00:44:48,080 Speaker 1: feel like you want to give it another try. There 749 00:44:48,160 --> 00:44:51,680 Speaker 1: is no rush, I know, especially as we kind of 750 00:44:51,680 --> 00:44:54,120 Speaker 1: get into like our late twenties and thirties and even 751 00:44:54,160 --> 00:44:59,080 Speaker 1: older like there's such an urgency to find somebody before 752 00:45:00,280 --> 00:45:05,120 Speaker 1: opportunities and options and doors close. This is going to 753 00:45:05,320 --> 00:45:07,560 Speaker 1: maybe be advice you don't want to hear, but I 754 00:45:07,600 --> 00:45:12,680 Speaker 1: think urgency and panic is the worst thing you can 755 00:45:12,719 --> 00:45:14,279 Speaker 1: do because it's always going to mean that you make 756 00:45:15,239 --> 00:45:21,279 Speaker 1: a poorer decision, going steadier, slower. Having rules for yourself, 757 00:45:22,120 --> 00:45:28,799 Speaker 1: having practices rituals around dating, like treating dating apps like 758 00:45:28,840 --> 00:45:32,160 Speaker 1: the game and the business model they are, is going 759 00:45:32,239 --> 00:45:34,680 Speaker 1: to make you so much more effective in the long run. 760 00:45:34,719 --> 00:45:38,240 Speaker 1: And I think the mindset that is united every single 761 00:45:38,360 --> 00:45:41,600 Speaker 1: person who I've seen been successful in a dating app 762 00:45:41,680 --> 00:45:45,000 Speaker 1: is just I'm here to not take this very seriously, 763 00:45:45,360 --> 00:45:49,000 Speaker 1: and I'm here with very low, if not no expectations, 764 00:45:49,520 --> 00:45:51,839 Speaker 1: and in that way, I'm actually able to enjoy this. 765 00:45:52,560 --> 00:45:56,239 Speaker 1: So I hope this advice has been helpful. Thank you 766 00:45:56,400 --> 00:45:58,440 Speaker 1: so much for listening. Thank you, as always to our 767 00:45:58,480 --> 00:46:04,200 Speaker 1: researcher Liby Kolbert for her contributions to this episode. Our 768 00:46:04,360 --> 00:46:06,920 Speaker 1: question for the day. If you have made it this far, 769 00:46:07,080 --> 00:46:09,160 Speaker 1: thank you for listening, Thanks for being a loyal listener. 770 00:46:10,239 --> 00:46:13,120 Speaker 1: What's your dream date? Leave a comment down below. Dream 771 00:46:13,160 --> 00:46:16,320 Speaker 1: date you get to choose four activities, three activities whatever. 772 00:46:16,920 --> 00:46:20,040 Speaker 1: What would it be? I think my dream date I 773 00:46:20,080 --> 00:46:22,080 Speaker 1: was thinking about this the other day. Dream date would 774 00:46:22,080 --> 00:46:26,480 Speaker 1: be go to the beach, then go home, like separately, 775 00:46:27,160 --> 00:46:30,200 Speaker 1: have a shower, meet again, a little bit sun kissed 776 00:46:30,719 --> 00:46:33,239 Speaker 1: for like an early dinner, like a sunset dinner. Have 777 00:46:33,280 --> 00:46:35,160 Speaker 1: a few wives, have a few dinner I have, I 778 00:46:35,160 --> 00:46:37,160 Speaker 1: have a bit to eat, and then like have a 779 00:46:37,239 --> 00:46:40,200 Speaker 1: walk home and it's summertime and it's beautiful, and then 780 00:46:40,239 --> 00:46:43,840 Speaker 1: like a little kiss before before they leave. That's my 781 00:46:43,960 --> 00:46:46,520 Speaker 1: dream date. Leave yours below and make sure you're following 782 00:46:46,600 --> 00:46:51,640 Speaker 1: us on Instagram. Also, as I mentioned at the beginning 783 00:46:51,680 --> 00:46:55,080 Speaker 1: of this episode, the Psychology of Your Twenties is now 784 00:46:55,200 --> 00:46:58,200 Speaker 1: on Netflix, so if you are based in the US, 785 00:46:59,040 --> 00:47:02,640 Speaker 1: please feel free to listen to watch over there. I'd 786 00:47:02,680 --> 00:47:04,879 Speaker 1: love to see you there. It's like a crazy thing 787 00:47:04,920 --> 00:47:08,120 Speaker 1: for the podcast, So yeah, any support on that would 788 00:47:08,120 --> 00:47:10,720 Speaker 1: be very much appreciated. Also, I just think the quality 789 00:47:10,800 --> 00:47:13,640 Speaker 1: is really cool. It just brings a whole new personal 790 00:47:13,719 --> 00:47:16,719 Speaker 1: layer to the podcast that I really enjoy. So I'd 791 00:47:16,719 --> 00:47:18,959 Speaker 1: love to see you over there. But until next time, 792 00:47:19,239 --> 00:47:22,480 Speaker 1: be safe, be kind, be gentle to yourself. We'll talk 793 00:47:22,840 --> 00:47:23,520 Speaker 1: very very soon.