WEBVTT - EP 24 - Deb 0:00:03.800 --> 0:00:09.920 It was a profound moment. It's the duality of Oh 0:00:10.000 --> 0:00:17.160 my god, what in the world, Who is this cruel? 0:00:18.040 --> 0:00:22.560 Who can pull this off? Whose friends pull it off? 0:00:23.560 --> 0:00:26.239 How do you fabricate the details like that? 0:00:40.280 --> 0:00:43.600 I'm Andrea Gunning and this is Betrayal, a show about 0:00:43.640 --> 0:00:46.839 the people we trust the most and the deceptions that 0:00:47.040 --> 0:00:48.080 change everything. 0:00:52.360 --> 0:00:56.280 My real name is Deborah, but typically everyone calls me Dad. 0:00:57.120 --> 0:01:00.000 Deb Proctor grew up on the Cherokee Nation in Oklahoma. 0:01:00.560 --> 0:01:03.760 She recently retired from her role as the senior director 0:01:03.800 --> 0:01:08.280 of her tribe's domestic violence program, and before that, she 0:01:08.360 --> 0:01:10.880 spent her entire career as a nurse. 0:01:11.680 --> 0:01:15.479 After being an rin well now it's been forty eight 0:01:15.480 --> 0:01:17.400 and a half years. 0:01:17.440 --> 0:01:20.120 Like a lot of people in the medical profession, she 0:01:20.280 --> 0:01:22.839 developed a keen sense for when someone is lying. 0:01:23.319 --> 0:01:26.679 When you mansion bullshit detectors, I can spot them a 0:01:26.720 --> 0:01:28.679 football field away or further. 0:01:29.800 --> 0:01:33.520 Deb is Cherokee and proud of her Native American heritage. 0:01:34.000 --> 0:01:37.919 My grandmother who lived until she was ninety nine years old. 0:01:38.560 --> 0:01:43.319 She is actually our family's original in Rowly, which means 0:01:43.360 --> 0:01:45.120 she is on the Dows role. 0:01:45.840 --> 0:01:48.480 The DAWs role was a list compiled by the US 0:01:48.560 --> 0:01:51.960 government in the late eighteen hundreds and early nineteen hundreds. 0:01:52.480 --> 0:01:55.520 It named about one hundred thousand Native Americans who were 0:01:55.560 --> 0:01:56.720 allotted land. 0:01:56.960 --> 0:02:01.280 Which was pretty unusual to have an unregionally in your 0:02:01.360 --> 0:02:02.400 life for most of it. 0:02:03.040 --> 0:02:06.240 Growing up, Deb's grandmother was a constant presence and a 0:02:06.280 --> 0:02:07.280 source of inspiration. 0:02:08.360 --> 0:02:12.359 I think I thought a lot of my propter will 0:02:12.800 --> 0:02:17.320 and strength and courage from her. She was born before 0:02:17.480 --> 0:02:22.120 statehood and she was still stacking her own wood when 0:02:22.160 --> 0:02:26.239 she was in her early nineties. She was a survivor 0:02:26.400 --> 0:02:32.200 of many many situations in her life. 0:02:32.400 --> 0:02:36.520 Her grandmother experienced a lot of violence firsthand. Deb's father 0:02:36.680 --> 0:02:40.360 did too. As a child, his own father was murdered 0:02:40.440 --> 0:02:41.160 in front of him. 0:02:41.800 --> 0:02:47.600 Those life events are what gives the background and the 0:02:47.680 --> 0:02:54.720 experience to what we would call intergenerational trauma or historical trauma. 0:02:54.960 --> 0:02:58.200 She saw the impact of that on her family. There 0:02:58.280 --> 0:03:02.680 was alcoholism and emotional and when she was young, Deb 0:03:02.720 --> 0:03:03.960 struggled to process it. 0:03:04.760 --> 0:03:10.000 When you're a very sensitive nature child, your little heart's 0:03:10.080 --> 0:03:15.880 open and you're intuitive, you pick up that energy. 0:03:16.680 --> 0:03:20.240 From a young age. She experienced violence and abuse herself. 0:03:21.160 --> 0:03:26.480 The violence I experience, I truly am my heart know 0:03:26.840 --> 0:03:31.880 that it's as a result of those that could not heal. 0:03:33.919 --> 0:03:37.480 Deb believes her father's unresolved trauma led him to become 0:03:37.600 --> 0:03:38.520 a civil servant. 0:03:39.080 --> 0:03:41.960 He taught me a lot about community service. He would 0:03:42.000 --> 0:03:46.000 be in his vehicle driving through the rural areas seeing 0:03:46.040 --> 0:03:50.520 what the natives needed, and ultimately he was a councilman 0:03:50.840 --> 0:03:53.440 for their tribe, served many many years. 0:03:55.280 --> 0:03:59.080 Deb grew up quickly in more ways than one. In fact, 0:03:59.320 --> 0:04:03.120 on our sixteenth birthday, her high school boyfriend surprised her. 0:04:03.560 --> 0:04:06.560 They had a birthday party for me and he asked 0:04:06.560 --> 0:04:09.880 me to marry him, and I accepted. That was the 0:04:09.960 --> 0:04:11.280 day I turned sixteen. 0:04:12.280 --> 0:04:16.880 But her engagement didn't distract her from prioritizing education. Her 0:04:16.920 --> 0:04:19.800 father insisted that she earn an advanced degree. 0:04:20.360 --> 0:04:22.640 He was the one in the family who said you 0:04:22.760 --> 0:04:27.919 must have an education, and so at age seventeen, I 0:04:28.000 --> 0:04:32.000 did start college and I finished at nineteen with my 0:04:32.120 --> 0:04:35.719 first RN degree. That was as a result to my 0:04:35.839 --> 0:04:36.960 dad pushing me. 0:04:37.600 --> 0:04:40.400 Before she even had a chance to know herself, she 0:04:40.520 --> 0:04:42.800 was married and working as a full time nurse. 0:04:43.480 --> 0:04:46.160 I mean, I'm running the hospital as a baby nurse. 0:04:46.760 --> 0:04:51.760 I'd probably turn twenty maybe twenty one, by then. It 0:04:51.920 --> 0:04:55.479 was tough, but I spent a good part of my 0:04:55.800 --> 0:04:58.960 energy on trying to achieve perfection. 0:05:00.080 --> 0:05:02.640 And her husband shared a very similar upbringing. 0:05:03.360 --> 0:05:08.000 He came from a violent background, very similar to mine, 0:05:08.160 --> 0:05:11.599 and so we just went together like peanut, butter and jelly. 0:05:12.160 --> 0:05:15.719 They had two sons together, but a few years into marriage, 0:05:16.080 --> 0:05:18.440 her husband's behavior became a problem. 0:05:19.320 --> 0:05:26.040 He struggled with drugs and drinking, and he had violent tendencies. 0:05:26.960 --> 0:05:28.120 It was really hard. 0:05:28.920 --> 0:05:31.840 She eventually left her husband and resolved to end the 0:05:31.880 --> 0:05:35.240 cycle of violence to make a safe and stable environment 0:05:35.360 --> 0:05:37.160 for her and her two sons. 0:05:37.680 --> 0:05:41.000 And so for many years I remained single and just 0:05:41.279 --> 0:05:44.880 spent time with myself and the boys. And so for 0:05:44.960 --> 0:05:49.800 the next few years after we divorced, I sought to understand. 0:05:50.240 --> 0:05:56.160 I bought books, I joined book club, anything on self understanding. 0:05:57.160 --> 0:05:59.919 She started going to therapy and joined support groups for 0:06:00.080 --> 0:06:03.840 families impacted by alcoholism. She was creating a better life 0:06:03.839 --> 0:06:08.080 for herself and for her sons. When her sons became teenagers, 0:06:08.520 --> 0:06:10.880 she looked around and realized. 0:06:10.839 --> 0:06:14.560 I did want to partner in live. You know, someone 0:06:14.640 --> 0:06:17.680 to enjoy life, that I meant something too, that I'm 0:06:17.680 --> 0:06:18.160 mad or. 0:06:18.120 --> 0:06:21.360 Too She was forty one and felt ready to explore 0:06:21.400 --> 0:06:24.919 a new partnership, so she made an online dating profile. 0:06:25.480 --> 0:06:28.880 This was nineteen ninety seven, back when online dating was 0:06:28.920 --> 0:06:30.320 a novel concept. 0:06:30.520 --> 0:06:33.560 Yeah this aint bumble, this a yeah, this is none 0:06:33.640 --> 0:06:34.480 of that stuff. 0:06:35.279 --> 0:06:39.719 One man piqued her interest. His name was Jeff Walton. 0:06:40.440 --> 0:06:46.520 His profile was just romantic. It was something like I'm 0:06:46.960 --> 0:06:49.680 looking for my gwinevere. 0:06:50.040 --> 0:06:52.479 Jeff said he wanted to treat his next partner like 0:06:52.520 --> 0:06:55.760 a queen. Deb wrote him an email. He lived a 0:06:55.760 --> 0:06:59.760 couple states away in Kentucky, but their conversation flowed easily 0:07:00.320 --> 0:07:03.760 and Deb quickly discovered they shared the same interests. They 0:07:03.800 --> 0:07:07.080 both loved golf, and Jeff wanted to hear more about 0:07:07.120 --> 0:07:08.320 Deb's Cherokee culture. 0:07:09.080 --> 0:07:13.040 You know, the music, a spiritual journey. He loved the 0:07:13.160 --> 0:07:18.440 Native American spiritual practices. And when I talked to him, 0:07:19.080 --> 0:07:21.080 I was just smitten with him. 0:07:21.400 --> 0:07:24.160 She looked forward to his phone calls and emails. 0:07:24.680 --> 0:07:28.400 I saved all of that. I printed everything. I had 0:07:28.480 --> 0:07:33.240 a huge three inch purple binder with all of our exchanges. 0:07:33.960 --> 0:07:36.360 As they got closer, she got to know more about 0:07:36.400 --> 0:07:37.200 his backstory. 0:07:37.920 --> 0:07:43.680 He was born in Alaska and moved to Canada. 0:07:43.880 --> 0:07:47.000 He was a dual citizen of Canada and the United States, 0:07:47.720 --> 0:07:51.320 and he had a complicated relationship with his biological family. 0:07:52.640 --> 0:07:57.640 He didn't know he's real dad. His stepdad was very 0:07:57.720 --> 0:08:02.440 violent and he would share stories like, you know, his 0:08:02.560 --> 0:08:06.760 stepdad murdered the family poodle in front of his sister 0:08:06.840 --> 0:08:09.240 and his mom and him, and I mean, it was 0:08:09.360 --> 0:08:10.640 horrible stories. 0:08:12.040 --> 0:08:14.760 Deb had seen her share of violence as well. She 0:08:14.920 --> 0:08:17.720 understood what it was like, so they bonded over their 0:08:17.760 --> 0:08:22.200 difficult childhoods. Jeff's family was still in Canada, but they'd 0:08:22.240 --> 0:08:25.000 fallen out of touch. He moved to New Orleans as 0:08:25.000 --> 0:08:28.120 a young man, and along the way he picked up 0:08:28.120 --> 0:08:29.040 the accent. 0:08:29.560 --> 0:08:31.600 So when he would talk to me on the phone, 0:08:31.680 --> 0:08:36.680 he would have that you know dialect. He would say hello, 0:08:37.440 --> 0:08:40.360 Darlin and a dory. Yeah, I can't do it. But 0:08:40.480 --> 0:08:42.200 it was definitely New Orleans. 0:08:43.520 --> 0:08:46.600 Jeff's ex wife and adult son still lived in New Orleans, 0:08:47.240 --> 0:08:50.120 but after his divorce, he'd taken a job in Kentucky. 0:08:50.760 --> 0:08:54.760 He was a project manager for a big construction company 0:08:54.880 --> 0:08:58.560 that you know, worked on Toyota plants that worked on 0:08:58.600 --> 0:09:02.120 the University of Kentucky that had done all this great work. 0:09:02.640 --> 0:09:05.080 Jeff was the kind of person who'd lived a million 0:09:05.240 --> 0:09:05.880 lives in one. 0:09:06.480 --> 0:09:11.120 He just fascinated me. He was a pilot and played 0:09:11.400 --> 0:09:17.880 football for Woody Hayes at Ohio State and was phenomenal. 0:09:18.840 --> 0:09:21.000 DEP could really see herself with this guy. 0:09:21.640 --> 0:09:25.640 We're gonna embark upon this journey together. We love music, 0:09:25.720 --> 0:09:30.160 we love golf, We're both seekers. I just was so 0:09:30.280 --> 0:09:32.360 excited about meeting this man. 0:09:33.240 --> 0:09:36.720 After a year of talking, they decided to finally meet 0:09:36.800 --> 0:09:40.800 each other in person. Jeff flew to Oklahoma. When he 0:09:40.920 --> 0:09:44.080 arrived at the airport, she was waiting for him with 0:09:44.160 --> 0:09:44.640 a gift. 0:09:45.520 --> 0:09:50.240 God had a traditional here. A medicine man gone to 0:09:50.320 --> 0:09:54.760 him and asked him to be a feather. There was 0:09:54.800 --> 0:09:57.920 a song by Robbie Robertson and the name of it 0:09:58.040 --> 0:10:01.839 was Golden Feather, My Love of Golden Feather, and if 0:10:01.880 --> 0:10:04.920 you would look it up, it's so that I never 0:10:05.000 --> 0:10:09.000 lose my way home. And I thought, what a beautiful 0:10:09.080 --> 0:10:12.800 expression of love for this new man in my life 0:10:13.200 --> 0:10:17.200 to give him a feather because he loves that Native 0:10:17.280 --> 0:10:23.440 American song so much. So I met him at the 0:10:23.520 --> 0:10:26.160 plane with that and I said, here's so you can 0:10:26.200 --> 0:10:28.120 always find your way home. 0:10:28.679 --> 0:10:31.760 And Jeff had come with the surprise of his own. 0:10:32.600 --> 0:10:35.000 Since he got off the plane and he was walking 0:10:35.080 --> 0:10:40.520 toward me. It seemed like his voice was shaking, and 0:10:41.120 --> 0:10:43.720 he said, you will marry me, won't you. You're gonna 0:10:43.760 --> 0:10:46.120 marry me right, You are marrying me right. 0:10:47.240 --> 0:10:49.360 That was Jeff's marriage proposal. 0:10:50.480 --> 0:10:54.360 And I was like, well, of course, of course, yes. 0:10:55.160 --> 0:10:58.560 The weekend could not have gone better. Jeff wanted to 0:10:58.600 --> 0:10:59.760 get to know her world. 0:11:00.640 --> 0:11:03.920 You know. I drove around, showed ing the rural area, 0:11:04.240 --> 0:11:08.360 my history, some of the culture where I were. We 0:11:08.800 --> 0:11:11.520 went out to my golf course. I introduced him to 0:11:11.640 --> 0:11:15.960 a lot of my friends, met the family. It was 0:11:16.200 --> 0:11:19.880 just a really good weekend. I just loved him, just 0:11:20.040 --> 0:11:21.000 loved him. 0:11:22.200 --> 0:11:25.800 They started making arrangements for him to move to Oklahoma. 0:11:26.080 --> 0:11:29.600 And I'm a planner and an organizer in every aspect 0:11:29.600 --> 0:11:32.360 in my life. So shoot, the next thing, you know, 0:11:32.520 --> 0:11:35.800 I'm getting busy. I'm helping him find jobs. He's getting 0:11:35.800 --> 0:11:39.520 his resumeating. Of course, we're still using facts is then, 0:11:39.800 --> 0:11:42.680 and he would send things and I would write cover 0:11:42.840 --> 0:11:45.200 letters for him to help him get relocated. 0:11:45.760 --> 0:11:49.840 A few months later, Jeff moved in. They spent the 0:11:49.880 --> 0:11:53.200 next year, planning a small family wedding in Theosarks. 0:11:54.200 --> 0:11:58.160 We married on April twenty third, two thousand. 0:11:58.880 --> 0:12:01.559 It was the anniversary of the day they met in person. 0:12:02.440 --> 0:12:05.720 Deb's youngest son walked her down the aisle, and Jeff's son, 0:12:05.760 --> 0:12:08.800 Little Jeff, flew in to support his dad. It was 0:12:08.840 --> 0:12:10.600 a true merging of their lives. 0:12:11.120 --> 0:12:14.920 I really thought it was meant to be. 0:12:17.800 --> 0:12:20.840 They planned their first trip together as newlyweds, a golf 0:12:20.880 --> 0:12:24.240 trip with Deb's group of friends. Deb had been golfing 0:12:24.280 --> 0:12:27.440 for her entire life. Every year she and her friends 0:12:27.480 --> 0:12:30.679 traveled the country to play. Jeff was eager to join. 0:12:31.040 --> 0:12:33.480 He'd been an avid golfer when he was younger, but 0:12:33.559 --> 0:12:35.439 he hadn't played in years. 0:12:35.280 --> 0:12:37.600 So he lost these golf clubs. Well, heck, you know, 0:12:37.679 --> 0:12:40.640 I gotta go buying golf clubs, you know, because he's 0:12:40.640 --> 0:12:43.600 got to have golf clubs off a month play. So 0:12:43.679 --> 0:12:46.480 then he needed lessons because he just hadn't got to 0:12:46.520 --> 0:12:49.079 play in a while. He said, needed to brush up. 0:12:50.280 --> 0:12:53.480 But on their first golf trip with her friends. 0:12:53.440 --> 0:12:56.760 Once we got all scores in and everything, the winner 0:12:57.080 --> 0:13:01.079 was him, and I was like, well, god, oh, great job. 0:13:01.880 --> 0:13:04.760 But Deb's friends were stand offish with Jeff about his win, 0:13:05.400 --> 0:13:07.840 and one of her friends was quick to point out. 0:13:08.480 --> 0:13:11.800 A real golfer is not going to leave their clubs behind. 0:13:13.600 --> 0:13:14.840 It didn't make sense. 0:13:15.559 --> 0:13:18.560 Her friends had never acted like this before. She didn't 0:13:18.600 --> 0:13:23.000 know what happened, and neither did Jeff. But after that 0:13:23.040 --> 0:13:25.720 they weren't invited on any more golf trips. 0:13:26.160 --> 0:13:29.000 I felt like everybody was mistreating him. 0:13:29.760 --> 0:13:32.640 A year into their marriage, Jeff was still struggling to 0:13:32.679 --> 0:13:36.040 find the right job in Oklahoma. One day when Deb 0:13:36.160 --> 0:13:38.160 was helping him with an application. 0:13:38.440 --> 0:13:42.760 Well, I sound an old resume, and on this particular 0:13:42.840 --> 0:13:48.040 resume it says Vietnam veteran. I was like, my god. 0:13:49.640 --> 0:13:52.400 He'd never told her he was a veteran. But Deb 0:13:52.720 --> 0:13:55.720 had a lot of experience with the VA. While getting 0:13:55.800 --> 0:13:58.920 her Advanced Nursing degree, she worked on a program at 0:13:58.960 --> 0:14:02.719 the VA that specific studied Vietnam veterans with PTSD. 0:14:03.920 --> 0:14:08.840 I'm like, you never told me you were a veteran. 0:14:08.960 --> 0:14:11.959 You never told me you were in the Vietnam War. 0:14:13.440 --> 0:14:19.480 That is a significant event in life. Was flabbergasted. It 0:14:19.520 --> 0:14:23.680 had never come up, and he said, well, I don't 0:14:23.840 --> 0:14:26.720 like to talk about it. Deb I use it on 0:14:26.920 --> 0:14:30.120 my resumes, because you know that ought to tell you 0:14:30.240 --> 0:14:33.600 something I was like, But she should have told me. 0:14:33.720 --> 0:14:35.360 I should never found out here. 0:14:36.520 --> 0:14:39.400 Dev felt like he needed to talk about it, even 0:14:39.480 --> 0:14:42.920 if he didn't want to. She'd had firsthand experience with 0:14:43.000 --> 0:14:45.040 veterans and PTSD. 0:14:45.320 --> 0:14:49.160 And so over the course of time, he began to 0:14:49.200 --> 0:14:55.240 tell me what happened. It was an elaborate story, intricate details. 0:14:56.280 --> 0:14:58.360 As an eighteen year old, he'd been in the Special 0:14:58.400 --> 0:15:02.360 Forces in Vietnam. One night, he caught his senior officers 0:15:02.440 --> 0:15:06.640 using drugs. Fearing he would turn them in, the officers 0:15:06.680 --> 0:15:09.720 allowed Jeff to be captured. He was held as a 0:15:09.760 --> 0:15:12.920 prisoner of war and for months he. 0:15:12.920 --> 0:15:16.280 Was tortured and they bust at his feet with the 0:15:16.280 --> 0:15:19.840 butt of a gun so that he couldn't walk. But 0:15:19.960 --> 0:15:24.040 he got out. He escaped and he made it back 0:15:24.120 --> 0:15:30.720 to the US Forces by following the path of a stream, 0:15:32.680 --> 0:15:36.200 and it was so difficult because his feet were busted up. 0:15:36.840 --> 0:15:38.760 He was taken to a veteran's hospital. 0:15:39.360 --> 0:15:42.320 He had to have metal put in his feet because 0:15:42.360 --> 0:15:46.560 they were broken and if we flew anywhere it would 0:15:46.560 --> 0:15:49.160 trigger the metal alarms as you go in. 0:15:51.440 --> 0:15:56.840 He recovered physically and was discharged, but psychologically he was scarred. 0:15:58.120 --> 0:16:01.120 The trauma was so bad. He said, it was just 0:16:01.200 --> 0:16:04.520 so awful that sometimes he would just get in the 0:16:04.560 --> 0:16:07.440 closet and he would just hide. 0:16:07.720 --> 0:16:11.240 Deb was worried about his mental health, especially because his 0:16:11.280 --> 0:16:14.360 support system was then. He was in a new place 0:16:14.520 --> 0:16:18.480 and wasn't in touch with his biological family. So Deb 0:16:18.600 --> 0:16:22.320 was happy when his siblings reached out to reconnect. They 0:16:22.360 --> 0:16:25.000 invited him back to Canada. 0:16:25.200 --> 0:16:29.080 His siblings had said that his mother's eightieth birthday party 0:16:29.200 --> 0:16:32.040 was coming up and they wanted him to come. And 0:16:32.080 --> 0:16:33.800 he talked to him about it, and I said, well, 0:16:33.840 --> 0:16:36.440 we've got to I've never met any of your family. 0:16:36.560 --> 0:16:37.880 And absolutely. 0:16:39.960 --> 0:16:42.400 A few months later, they flew to Alberta to meet 0:16:42.400 --> 0:16:46.200 his family. They hadn't seen Jeff in decades. They were 0:16:46.200 --> 0:16:49.840 elated to welcome him home. And Deb never thought you'd 0:16:49.840 --> 0:16:51.960 get the chance to meet his siblings. 0:16:52.560 --> 0:16:55.800 I finally got to meet his family. I was just 0:16:55.880 --> 0:16:59.040 so excited to be there and to meet them. And 0:16:59.640 --> 0:17:02.920 you know, at one of the brothers' houses, we might 0:17:03.080 --> 0:17:06.600 play games and just chat and get to know each other. 0:17:07.400 --> 0:17:08.280 Deb fit right in. 0:17:09.160 --> 0:17:15.720 We didn't have any serious, meaningful conversations about life or anything. 0:17:16.640 --> 0:17:21.000 We were just doing a friendly, cordial meet the family thing. 0:17:21.880 --> 0:17:25.199 He was up be. Everyone was up be. It was 0:17:25.240 --> 0:17:26.040 a good trip. 0:17:27.960 --> 0:17:31.600 It was a good trip. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. 0:17:32.520 --> 0:17:35.480 Deb didn't know it at the time, but everyone there 0:17:35.640 --> 0:17:40.199 was in on a secret, everyone except for her Her husband. 0:17:40.280 --> 0:17:45.200 Jeff wasn't who he said he was. In fact, everyone 0:17:45.280 --> 0:17:48.280 and his family knew Jeff by a different name. 0:17:48.960 --> 0:17:52.080 Come to find out. He met his siblings at the 0:17:52.119 --> 0:17:55.600 door and told him I'm going by Jeff Walton. Now 0:17:55.960 --> 0:17:57.159 I'll tell you later. 0:18:11.240 --> 0:18:13.960 Deb and her husband went to Canada to reconnect with 0:18:14.000 --> 0:18:17.800 his estranged family, and to her surprise, the trip was 0:18:17.800 --> 0:18:21.440 a success. Meeting his family brought the two of them closer. 0:18:22.560 --> 0:18:25.800 But one day after they returned from their trip, Jeff 0:18:25.840 --> 0:18:27.480 collapsed on the golf course. 0:18:27.920 --> 0:18:31.200 And a friend of ours founding setting up against a 0:18:31.280 --> 0:18:36.280 tree and wanted him to let him take him into 0:18:36.280 --> 0:18:38.399 the hospital, and he said, no, just take me to 0:18:38.560 --> 0:18:42.879 my car, and so he did that. He got in 0:18:42.880 --> 0:18:44.280 his car and he drove home. 0:18:45.040 --> 0:18:47.119 Deb met him at their house and forced him to 0:18:47.119 --> 0:18:50.719 go to the hospital. Jeff had suffered a major heart attack. 0:18:51.200 --> 0:18:55.160 It would require ongoing care but Jeff still hadn't nailed 0:18:55.200 --> 0:18:58.560 down a steady job, so the couple needed help covering 0:18:58.560 --> 0:19:02.040 his medical expenses. Jeb had worked at the VA years 0:19:02.040 --> 0:19:05.200 ago and insisted it was their best resource. 0:19:06.720 --> 0:19:11.160 And he absolutely said, I will not go. I don't 0:19:11.200 --> 0:19:16.360 trust the government. I'm not going. And I said, well, 0:19:16.400 --> 0:19:19.760 that's bullshit. We're going broke. We've got to get your 0:19:19.800 --> 0:19:20.359 health care. 0:19:21.160 --> 0:19:24.840 That's when Jeff explained the VA what didn't take him. 0:19:25.680 --> 0:19:27.919 He said, they don't even have a list of me 0:19:28.000 --> 0:19:33.360 because I was dishonorably discharged because I reported the officers. 0:19:34.240 --> 0:19:36.879 They won't even have me on the well, anything to 0:19:36.960 --> 0:19:39.480 do with the VA. And I said, that's bullshit. You 0:19:39.520 --> 0:19:44.359 were a soldier, you were captured. And he said, I 0:19:44.440 --> 0:19:49.879 won't go. He got up and he never talked about 0:19:49.920 --> 0:19:57.440 it again. In that moment, I was like, that is weird. 0:20:00.000 --> 0:20:04.639 Explanation just didn't add up. Deb even considered hiring someone 0:20:04.680 --> 0:20:06.320 to look into Jeff's background. 0:20:06.960 --> 0:20:09.640 I wonder if I need to get a private investigator 0:20:09.760 --> 0:20:15.000 or something. And I logged on to the internet and 0:20:15.119 --> 0:20:17.320 then I was like, God, I don't have any money 0:20:17.359 --> 0:20:19.040 to get a private detective. 0:20:20.200 --> 0:20:23.000 She didn't have the money or the time to hire 0:20:23.040 --> 0:20:26.919 a PI. Shortly after Jeff's heart attack, he had a stroke. 0:20:27.720 --> 0:20:31.720 Then his memory began to falter. All the while he 0:20:31.840 --> 0:20:35.600 was refusing to go to the VA. It financially strained 0:20:35.640 --> 0:20:38.760 the family, and Deb was at a loss. 0:20:39.720 --> 0:20:42.119 I had begun to say, I do not know what 0:20:42.240 --> 0:20:44.080 is wrong with my life. How am I going to 0:20:44.160 --> 0:20:48.200 get this guy health care? He's got to have healthcare. 0:20:48.960 --> 0:20:52.040 Deb was his primary caretaker on top of her full 0:20:52.080 --> 0:20:55.520 time nursing job. It was overwhelming. 0:20:56.480 --> 0:21:00.359 I begin to drink, and then I drink heavily, and 0:21:00.400 --> 0:21:02.119 then it was uncontrollably. 0:21:02.840 --> 0:21:06.919 Alcohol became an escape from her marriage and its problems. 0:21:07.400 --> 0:21:10.360 When I started drinking, I didn't have to be confused 0:21:10.400 --> 0:21:12.679 anymore because my brain was numb. 0:21:13.520 --> 0:21:15.800 Deb had spent so many years taking care of other 0:21:15.840 --> 0:21:18.919 people that she neglected herself. 0:21:19.000 --> 0:21:22.399 As the person that was going to alan on from 0:21:22.440 --> 0:21:28.520 the mid eighties, taking family, taking coworkers, taking friends to 0:21:28.640 --> 0:21:33.359 aa NA rehab. I was taken everybody to get help, 0:21:34.119 --> 0:21:37.600 but myself had, I guess, reached just a hard stop 0:21:37.640 --> 0:21:38.960 where I couldn't deal with it. 0:21:41.720 --> 0:21:44.080 Deb had just turned fifty and had been with Jeff 0:21:44.119 --> 0:21:47.359 for a decade, but life with him was becoming harder 0:21:47.480 --> 0:21:51.000 year after year. At first he failed to bring in 0:21:51.040 --> 0:21:55.040 a steady income. Then when he became sick, he refused 0:21:55.080 --> 0:21:59.040 resources for affordable health care. Deb turned to booze for 0:21:59.080 --> 0:22:02.480 the stress. But one day, after a long night of drinking, 0:22:03.000 --> 0:22:05.600 she found herself too shaky to put the golf ball 0:22:05.680 --> 0:22:09.120 on the tee. She checked herself into a thirty day rehab. 0:22:09.760 --> 0:22:12.560 Best move I ever made. I'm not going to tell 0:22:12.560 --> 0:22:17.200 you it was pretty. It was ugly, but there's always 0:22:17.240 --> 0:22:20.560 been a driving force within me to rise above. 0:22:22.000 --> 0:22:24.760 Being alone. In rehab gave her a lot of clarity, 0:22:25.320 --> 0:22:30.680 and with that clarity came questions, specifically about Jeff. When 0:22:30.680 --> 0:22:33.800 she left rehab, she looked at Jeff's behavior with a 0:22:33.840 --> 0:22:34.760 new set of eyes. 0:22:35.240 --> 0:22:42.719 I began to really observe he was strange. Something was 0:22:43.560 --> 0:22:45.320 not right, not right. 0:22:46.680 --> 0:22:49.240 She wasn't ready to leave the marriage. Her focus was 0:22:49.280 --> 0:22:52.119 on her new sobriety, but she did come up with 0:22:52.160 --> 0:22:55.399 a plan to get some answers out of Jeff. She 0:22:55.520 --> 0:22:57.400 gave him an assignment. 0:22:57.320 --> 0:23:01.480 And I began to say to him, Jeff, every day 0:23:01.560 --> 0:23:03.919 while I'm at work, I want you to work on 0:23:04.000 --> 0:23:09.120 your life story because I don't understand it. You told 0:23:09.200 --> 0:23:12.760 me you were born in Alaska and you moved to Canada, 0:23:12.920 --> 0:23:15.440 but I don't know where you even went to school. 0:23:15.880 --> 0:23:19.120 I don't even know when you moved to Canada. If 0:23:19.160 --> 0:23:21.479 something happens, I'm going to be honest with you. I 0:23:21.520 --> 0:23:23.359 can't even write an obituary. 0:23:25.359 --> 0:23:28.160 She thought it would be a good exercise for both 0:23:28.200 --> 0:23:31.440 of them, and she hoped it could help her understand 0:23:31.720 --> 0:23:33.520 why he was the way he was. 0:23:34.200 --> 0:23:36.159 And so every day I would come home and I 0:23:36.200 --> 0:23:39.639 would we'll share your story with me. Oh, I couldn't 0:23:39.640 --> 0:23:40.520 work on it today. 0:23:41.320 --> 0:23:44.520 After his stroke, Jeff's memory was worse than ever. 0:23:45.560 --> 0:23:47.960 He began to claim that he just didn't have much 0:23:48.000 --> 0:23:51.399 of a memory, but the neurologist at the time of 0:23:51.440 --> 0:23:54.479 his stroke had already advised me that the stroke was 0:23:54.520 --> 0:23:57.960 not going to impact his memory. Then he wanted me 0:23:58.040 --> 0:24:01.400 to get in checked for possible early dementia. 0:24:01.520 --> 0:24:04.000 He needed more care than she could provide a home, 0:24:04.680 --> 0:24:06.840 so she applied for him to be in a funded 0:24:06.880 --> 0:24:09.840 outpatient care facility and he was accepted. 0:24:10.560 --> 0:24:13.760 It's a wonderful program that where you stay in your home, 0:24:13.840 --> 0:24:17.240 but they basically have a center that's opened during the 0:24:17.320 --> 0:24:22.160 day and there's activities and transportation. There's clinic on side, 0:24:22.320 --> 0:24:25.960 everything that you could need, and if you need something outside, 0:24:25.960 --> 0:24:26.600 they'll take you. 0:24:27.400 --> 0:24:29.440 He started going to the center every day. 0:24:30.320 --> 0:24:34.000 That was until the program called me and they said, 0:24:34.200 --> 0:24:38.680 have you talked to Jeff? Because nobody confining he's gone. 0:24:39.359 --> 0:24:41.959 Deb was at work. She didn't know where he was. 0:24:42.560 --> 0:24:45.600 With his memory issues, she worried he could have gotten lost, 0:24:46.000 --> 0:24:47.760 so they called the police. 0:24:48.000 --> 0:24:51.720 Come to find out. He had left the group and 0:24:51.760 --> 0:24:53.840 the care team to go to the bank. 0:24:54.920 --> 0:24:58.640 When Deb got there, Jeff seemed confused about what was happening. 0:24:59.400 --> 0:25:02.919 The whole said situation confirmed that he really needed this facility. 0:25:03.600 --> 0:25:06.720