WEBVTT - Losing Dixie 0:00:14.916 --> 0:00:33.196 Pushkin. I was taking work meetings in bed and my 0:00:33.236 --> 0:00:36.596 mom started banging on the door, and she was banging 0:00:36.636 --> 0:00:41.356 on the door so like the wall was shaking, and 0:00:41.356 --> 0:00:42.916 so I muted myself and I was like, Mom, what's 0:00:42.956 --> 0:00:45.796 going on. She's like, get off your call right now. 0:00:47.156 --> 0:00:48.956 I was like, great, I want to yell at for something. 0:00:50.636 --> 0:00:52.436 And I went outside and my mom was on the phone, 0:00:52.516 --> 0:00:55.036 which I thought was really weird. It's like, it's so early, 0:00:55.116 --> 0:00:58.556 why is she awake? And like, why is she like screaming? 0:00:59.556 --> 0:01:01.236 And then she just screamed at me. They're dead. They're 0:01:01.236 --> 0:01:04.996 both dead. Quinn Lewis had been on a work call 0:01:05.076 --> 0:01:07.356 when she found out her nineteen year old sister Dixie, 0:01:07.516 --> 0:01:11.156 had been killed in a car crash. Dixie's boyfriend, Ross 0:01:11.196 --> 0:01:15.556 had also died. Quinn was devastated, and the months that 0:01:15.676 --> 0:01:17.876 followed she was left to gree the loss of her 0:01:17.916 --> 0:01:21.556 sister and the future relationship she had envisioned for them. 0:01:21.636 --> 0:01:24.316 We would always bring up how different we were from 0:01:24.316 --> 0:01:27.196 each other, were such different people, and I wonder how 0:01:27.236 --> 0:01:31.036 true that was. I wonder how how much that was 0:01:31.076 --> 0:01:33.916 like us just trying to exist in the same space 0:01:34.316 --> 0:01:40.236 and feel different and feel noticeable. And I felt in 0:01:40.236 --> 0:01:43.516 the last few years that that was changing, and it 0:01:43.556 --> 0:01:51.356 felt like that there the future felt intertwined, is how 0:01:51.396 --> 0:01:54.436 I would put it. It felt like we were going 0:01:54.436 --> 0:02:04.956 somewhere together. On today's episode Losing Dixie, I'm Maya Shunker 0:02:05.156 --> 0:02:07.556 and this is a slight change of plans, a show 0:02:07.556 --> 0:02:10.196 about who we are and who come in the face 0:02:10.316 --> 0:02:16.116 of a big change. I've known the Lewis family for 0:02:16.196 --> 0:02:19.836 many years now and consider them dear friends. The parents, 0:02:19.916 --> 0:02:23.756 Michael and Tabitha, and their children, Quinn, who's twenty two, 0:02:24.116 --> 0:02:27.516 her younger sister, Dixie, and Walker, their fifteen year old 0:02:27.556 --> 0:02:31.076 little brother. At the time of the accident, Dixie was 0:02:31.116 --> 0:02:34.276 a freshman at Pomona College and a star athlete who 0:02:34.356 --> 0:02:37.116 had been recruited to play softball and had big dreams 0:02:37.156 --> 0:02:40.596 for her future. When Quinn and I sat down to talk, 0:02:40.676 --> 0:02:43.956 it had been seven months since Dixie died. We started 0:02:43.996 --> 0:02:46.676 our conversation by talking about what she and Dixie were 0:02:46.716 --> 0:02:49.796 like as kids. Her nickname when she was little was Lovebug. 0:02:50.236 --> 0:02:53.316 She would follow my mom and me from room to 0:02:53.396 --> 0:02:55.156 room in the house when she learned how to walk, 0:02:55.996 --> 0:02:59.276 because she loved being around us so much and looked 0:02:59.316 --> 0:03:03.676 up to us so much. She loved being hugged and 0:03:04.676 --> 0:03:11.596 loved everything I did. We would play games that were 0:03:11.596 --> 0:03:16.396 basically just her mimicking me. She just she wanted. She 0:03:16.436 --> 0:03:18.996 wanted to do everything I wanted to do. You know, 0:03:19.036 --> 0:03:21.916 getting my hand me downs were more exciting than new clothes. 0:03:23.396 --> 0:03:26.636 We lived in the same room for you know, the 0:03:26.716 --> 0:03:29.836 first twelve years of my life. We had bunk beds. 0:03:30.316 --> 0:03:32.076 I mean, you know, we fell asleep together every night, 0:03:32.836 --> 0:03:40.636 talking and listening to audiobooks. And I remember once we 0:03:40.636 --> 0:03:43.876 were at in Bermuda and for whatever reason, I was 0:03:43.876 --> 0:03:46.596 getting bullied. I barely remember the story because I was 0:03:46.596 --> 0:03:49.076 no little There are these boys in the pool, and 0:03:50.276 --> 0:03:53.076 Dixie stood up for me by peeing in both of 0:03:53.116 --> 0:03:55.556 the pools that the boys had been going into and 0:03:55.556 --> 0:04:00.796 then informing them as such. Yeah, she was a tough 0:04:00.836 --> 0:04:03.996 little kid. She was a really tough little kid. I 0:04:04.036 --> 0:04:06.996 love that little sister standing at her big sister. That's 0:04:07.036 --> 0:04:13.756 really sweet. How did your sisterly dynamic evolve over time? 0:04:15.676 --> 0:04:24.956 I think Dixie came out loving and doting and so vulnerable. 0:04:27.796 --> 0:04:30.036 She was so excited by the fact that she could 0:04:30.076 --> 0:04:31.556 just you know, breathe in the same room as you 0:04:32.876 --> 0:04:37.316 when she was really little, and that really changed over time. 0:04:38.116 --> 0:04:41.276 And I think part of that is because, you know, 0:04:41.636 --> 0:04:45.076 we were sisters, so I was three years older, and 0:04:45.156 --> 0:04:48.116 I didn't want her to play with the friends that 0:04:48.156 --> 0:04:51.556 I had decided were mine, or you know, she couldn't 0:04:51.596 --> 0:04:53.396 have the things I had, even though there's nothing she 0:04:53.436 --> 0:05:01.076 wanted more. And I think, I, you know, my mom 0:05:01.116 --> 0:05:02.916 would tell me that you need to be nicer to 0:05:02.956 --> 0:05:05.196 her and stop excluding her so much, and you know, 0:05:05.236 --> 0:05:08.716 she just wants to be your friend. And sometimes I'd 0:05:08.756 --> 0:05:11.316 let her and then I could take it all away. 0:05:12.196 --> 0:05:16.116 And I think as she got older, she hardened a 0:05:16.116 --> 0:05:20.236 little bit. I mean, as we all do, so I 0:05:20.276 --> 0:05:25.876 think there was definitely not a rift, but you know, 0:05:25.916 --> 0:05:29.076 we didn't talk to each other about things. She was 0:05:29.116 --> 0:05:31.716 not the person that if something happened, at least, you know, 0:05:31.796 --> 0:05:34.076 towards the end of middle school and early high school, 0:05:34.156 --> 0:05:38.636 that I felt like I could talk to. And she 0:05:38.716 --> 0:05:43.436 developed a mean streak. She was very competitive and very 0:05:43.516 --> 0:05:47.396 much wanted to be great. I had very little patience 0:05:47.516 --> 0:05:50.916 for people who would get in the way of that. 0:05:53.436 --> 0:05:54.916 You know. The problem, the problem that she had that 0:05:54.956 --> 0:05:57.076 I never had was coaches would come up to my 0:05:57.076 --> 0:05:59.356 parents and say, your daughter has to stop making her 0:05:59.356 --> 0:06:04.756 teammates cry and the dugout when they screw up because 0:06:04.756 --> 0:06:07.436 she cared so much. Right, I think it's the same 0:06:07.636 --> 0:06:09.436 impulse that made her follow me from room to room, 0:06:10.276 --> 0:06:13.756 that made her so invested in the rest of life too. 0:06:14.476 --> 0:06:18.836 Tell me more about that. She was extremely driven and 0:06:18.916 --> 0:06:24.516 extremely focused, especially in ways that defined her self separate 0:06:24.636 --> 0:06:28.596 from me. We very much defined ourselves in opposition to 0:06:28.636 --> 0:06:31.756 one another, especially like in our household. You know, my family. 0:06:31.796 --> 0:06:34.916 My family is full of big personalities. It is there's 0:06:34.956 --> 0:06:36.796 no house big enough to contain us solve, which I 0:06:36.796 --> 0:06:39.636 think is part of what made it really hard to 0:06:39.676 --> 0:06:46.836 grow up together. You know, she this is the kid 0:06:46.876 --> 0:06:50.676 who saw me going to a fancy private high school 0:06:50.876 --> 0:06:53.076 and it was like, screw that, I'm going to the 0:06:54.196 --> 0:06:58.796 you know, local public school with thirty five kids and 0:06:58.916 --> 0:07:02.356 loved it. All the things that she spent the most 0:07:02.356 --> 0:07:05.636 time on were things that I didn't do, and I 0:07:05.716 --> 0:07:08.196 was the same way, Right. I didn't try to claim 0:07:08.236 --> 0:07:13.156 softball after she lame softwall and things like that, and we, 0:07:13.316 --> 0:07:15.396 you know, we would always bring up how different we 0:07:15.396 --> 0:07:19.716 were from each other. And I felt in the last 0:07:19.716 --> 0:07:22.636 few years that was something that was changing, and there 0:07:22.716 --> 0:07:29.396 was more room, and it felt like the future felt intertwined, 0:07:29.996 --> 0:07:32.916 is how I would put it. It felt like we 0:07:32.916 --> 0:07:40.676 were going somewhere together. Yeah, can you bring me back 0:07:40.716 --> 0:07:45.916 to the morning you found out Dixie had passed away. 0:07:46.436 --> 0:07:48.476 I just turned twenty two, So my mom came down 0:07:48.476 --> 0:07:53.596 for my birthday. And there's a tire little taco shop 0:07:53.796 --> 0:07:57.236 across the street that's so good, and we went there 0:07:57.316 --> 0:08:00.196 on Tuesday night because it's taco Tuesdays and my mom 0:08:00.236 --> 0:08:02.956 loves mescal and she had a bunch of mescal and 0:08:03.076 --> 0:08:06.276 we ran across the highway and went to bed, and 0:08:06.476 --> 0:08:09.756 I woke up the next morning it felt really really early, 0:08:10.716 --> 0:08:14.076 and my mom started banging on the door, and she 0:08:14.156 --> 0:08:16.636 was banging on the door so like the wall was shaking, 0:08:17.356 --> 0:08:18.836 and so I muted myself and I was like, Mom, 0:08:18.836 --> 0:08:21.916 what's going on. She's like, get off your call right now. 0:08:23.116 --> 0:08:24.636 And I was like, great, I want to yell at 0:08:24.636 --> 0:08:27.916 for something. And I went outside and my mom was 0:08:27.916 --> 0:08:30.276 on the phone, which I thought was really weird. It's 0:08:30.276 --> 0:08:32.156 like it's so early, why is she awake? And like 0:08:32.196 --> 0:08:36.436 why is she like screaming? And then she just screamed 0:08:36.436 --> 0:08:40.236 at me either dead. They're both dead, And I was like, 0:08:40.276 --> 0:08:44.716 what are you what are you talking about? Like, I 0:08:44.876 --> 0:08:55.476 was so confused, And she told me that she was 0:08:55.516 --> 0:08:59.996 on the phone with Dixie's boyfriend's mother. His name is Ross, 0:09:00.196 --> 0:09:02.756 and her name was Gina. She was on the phone 0:09:02.796 --> 0:09:06.036 with Gina, and Gina said that at two in the 0:09:06.076 --> 0:09:13.116 morning the night before, a sheriff or police officer had 0:09:13.116 --> 0:09:17.356 showed up at their door to inform them that their 0:09:17.396 --> 0:09:20.196 son had been in a car accident, that there had 0:09:20.476 --> 0:09:22.156 been a pastor in the car, and then they had 0:09:22.156 --> 0:09:28.916 both died, So we knew that was true. We also 0:09:29.036 --> 0:09:31.236 knew that Dixie and Ross had been in Tahoe together 0:09:31.316 --> 0:09:34.196 on a couple's trip, so it was very unlikely that 0:09:34.196 --> 0:09:37.676 anyone else would have been in the car. And Gina 0:09:37.716 --> 0:09:39.316 had been trying to get ahold of my mom all night. 0:09:41.156 --> 0:09:43.836 So we sat down on the couch and we're like, Okay, well, 0:09:43.836 --> 0:09:47.636 what if there was a car accident and Dixie's just hurt, 0:09:48.516 --> 0:09:52.316 or what if you know, they're mistaken and we actually 0:09:52.316 --> 0:09:55.116 need to get in contact with whatever police department is 0:09:55.116 --> 0:09:57.756 in the area of Tahoe she's in. So we spent 0:09:57.796 --> 0:10:01.116 the next few hours doing that I called like every 0:10:01.156 --> 0:10:04.116 hospital I could possibly think of. My mom's losing her 0:10:04.156 --> 0:10:08.796 mind on the couch, like what is happening? We can't 0:10:08.796 --> 0:10:11.996 get a old of my dad, which was horrible. I 0:10:11.996 --> 0:10:13.956 called him like I think twenty seven times when I 0:10:13.996 --> 0:10:17.356 took the phone records, and I finally got ahold of 0:10:17.396 --> 0:10:19.756 the Berkeley Police Department around seven in the morning, and 0:10:19.796 --> 0:10:23.156 I was like, hey, so someone is calling us and 0:10:23.236 --> 0:10:27.636 telling us that Dixie Lee Lewis has been killed in 0:10:27.636 --> 0:10:30.356 a car accident. And she says one of your officers 0:10:30.636 --> 0:10:34.996 was dispatched to our house. Is this true? Like do 0:10:35.036 --> 0:10:37.516 you have any records of this? And he's like, I 0:10:37.556 --> 0:10:39.916 have no information, but like I will go figure out 0:10:39.956 --> 0:10:43.556 everything I can go figure out, And then we just 0:10:43.636 --> 0:10:45.116 kept trying to get ahold of my dad. He was 0:10:45.156 --> 0:10:51.236 still sleeping, so by the time that the Berkeley Police 0:10:51.236 --> 0:10:54.676 Department called me back, it was probably like nine in 0:10:54.716 --> 0:10:57.356 the morning, and he said, I have a number for 0:10:57.396 --> 0:10:59.156 you to call, and he transferred me to the Platter 0:10:59.236 --> 0:11:03.876 County Coroner's office, and I gave the phone to my 0:11:03.916 --> 0:11:09.476 mom and the coroner's name was Hannah and she confirmed 0:11:09.476 --> 0:11:11.156 that she and my sister's body on a metal slab 0:11:11.196 --> 0:11:16.076 in front of her, and that's when the world fall apart. 0:11:25.956 --> 0:11:29.356 And the next two hours were awful because I had 0:11:29.396 --> 0:11:35.316 to get mom home and my dad was finally picking 0:11:35.396 --> 0:11:42.276 up and he was shattered, and he kept telling me 0:11:42.356 --> 0:11:46.076 that it was his worst fear. He kept saying that 0:11:46.076 --> 0:11:52.276 this is my worst fear. And I realized, like usually 0:11:52.276 --> 0:11:54.316 when something goes wrong, he's the person I called to 0:11:54.356 --> 0:11:59.036 help fix it. When I realized that I had to 0:11:59.036 --> 0:12:03.716 get Mom home by myself, so I called the travel 0:12:03.756 --> 0:12:09.556 agent and I got us tickets home. When it finally 0:12:09.636 --> 0:12:12.356 came time to leave, we got on the plane and 0:12:12.436 --> 0:12:17.076 went home, and the entire plane ride, my mom was crying, 0:12:17.076 --> 0:12:23.036 because of course she was. I felt like it was weird. 0:12:23.076 --> 0:12:24.876 I was like all these self conscious about the whole thing, 0:12:24.996 --> 0:12:29.956 like you would expect when something like this happens, to 0:12:30.036 --> 0:12:35.996 feel totally absorbed and to think, you know, nothing else 0:12:36.076 --> 0:12:39.676 matters everything, you know, who cares about the world, Who 0:12:39.676 --> 0:12:41.876 cares about what people think? I was so self conscious 0:12:42.316 --> 0:12:44.276 the whole time, and the flight attendant kept looking over 0:12:44.796 --> 0:12:48.436 very concerned. I was so embarrassing up to the bathroom 0:12:48.476 --> 0:12:49.996 because I didn't want anyone else. I don't want to 0:12:49.996 --> 0:12:53.116 make eye contact with all the people behind us. When 0:12:53.116 --> 0:12:55.636 we finally got off the plane and we got home 0:12:55.916 --> 0:13:00.956 and walked into the house and my dad and Walker 0:13:01.196 --> 0:13:06.316 were into his room crying, and we decided all to 0:13:06.356 --> 0:13:08.356 sit in my parents' bed for the rest of the 0:13:08.436 --> 0:13:20.396 day and we just cried and talked about Dixie. The 0:13:20.516 --> 0:13:25.556 decision feel real. It feels like all of a sudden, 0:13:25.596 --> 0:13:32.476 your brain has all these compartments and it almost it 0:13:32.516 --> 0:13:34.556 feels that you had a lobotomy. It's like part of 0:13:34.556 --> 0:13:36.676 my brain is not communicating to the other part of 0:13:36.716 --> 0:13:39.076 my brain that like the things that are happening around 0:13:39.076 --> 0:13:42.716 you are reality. That like the I am in my feet, 0:13:43.196 --> 0:13:46.876 like feeling the forces of gravity tether me to the earth, 0:13:47.956 --> 0:13:50.956 and like the sky is blue and this is up 0:13:50.996 --> 0:13:53.996 and that is down, and I know these things that 0:13:54.036 --> 0:13:55.916 I feel that I know these things right. I think 0:13:55.916 --> 0:14:00.036 that there's a lot of like emotion in knowing something 0:14:00.156 --> 0:14:02.356 is true, Like there's like there's an actual, like physical 0:14:02.396 --> 0:14:05.676 feeling that had gone. Like I knew that the sky 0:14:05.756 --> 0:14:07.596 was blue, I knew that gravity was happening, but I 0:14:07.636 --> 0:14:12.556 didn't like feel that truth existed anymore in my body. 0:14:12.916 --> 0:14:16.916 I didn't feel that the things that were happening. In 0:14:16.916 --> 0:14:20.636 the sadness, I was feeling like could be how the 0:14:20.676 --> 0:14:27.196 world was going to be now? And I thought it 0:14:27.236 --> 0:14:29.156 was weird that I didn't lose my appetite. Also, I 0:14:29.196 --> 0:14:32.876 felt so strange. I felt like I was doing it wrong. 0:14:33.636 --> 0:14:35.956 I was starving when we got home and my dad's 0:14:35.956 --> 0:14:37.556 friend brought a sandwiches and I was the only person 0:14:37.596 --> 0:14:42.716 who could eat. Yeah. I don't know why, but it 0:14:42.756 --> 0:14:44.676 really bothered me. I was like, why do I want 0:14:44.676 --> 0:14:49.876 this tuna sandwich so badly? You would? You were carrying 0:14:50.116 --> 0:14:54.156 some kind of expectations even in that acute phase around 0:14:54.156 --> 0:15:00.036 how you ought to be grieving. Is that right, tons? Yeah? 0:15:00.076 --> 0:15:04.796 I mean I've never lost anyone, right. The only people 0:15:04.796 --> 0:15:06.636 I know who have died in my family were my 0:15:06.676 --> 0:15:10.196 great grandparents on my mom's side, All for our grandparents 0:15:10.236 --> 0:15:14.756 are still alive. Like death as never has not something 0:15:14.916 --> 0:15:18.596 I've had to encounter before. Other bad things have happened. 0:15:18.796 --> 0:15:20.796 I've not had a perfect life by any stretch of 0:15:20.836 --> 0:15:29.556 the imagination, but to have this be my first encounter 0:15:29.596 --> 0:15:32.596 with death and I haven't be Dixie like she was 0:15:32.716 --> 0:15:37.836 so strong the thing I kept thinking of the whole like, 0:15:37.996 --> 0:15:39.716 and I still think think about this all the time. 0:15:39.716 --> 0:15:41.156 It is like what it felt like physically when she 0:15:41.236 --> 0:15:45.276 hugged you. She was so dense her like she she's 0:15:45.316 --> 0:15:49.396 a college athlete. She you know, could bench press more 0:15:49.436 --> 0:15:54.196 than her boyfriend. Um, she's a beast. And when she 0:15:54.276 --> 0:15:58.156 hugged you, her body becasus pure muscle. Was like a really, 0:15:58.196 --> 0:16:01.836 really dense feeling. It feels, it feels like nothing else. 0:16:04.436 --> 0:16:09.396 And I just couldn't understand how someone who's so strong 0:16:09.956 --> 0:16:17.796 and so forceful and so ready to make the world 0:16:17.876 --> 0:16:23.996 hers could be killed by an eighteen wheeler. That made 0:16:24.036 --> 0:16:27.796 no sense. And I think to make sense of that. 0:16:28.076 --> 0:16:30.556 You know, I still find myself picturing what the crash 0:16:30.676 --> 0:16:33.356 must have looked like. I walked myself through it all 0:16:33.396 --> 0:16:36.116 the time. You know, she was in the passenger seat, 0:16:36.436 --> 0:16:39.276 very both going fifty five miles an hour. It was Tahoe, 0:16:39.316 --> 0:16:43.196 so I assume the road was winding, although I've never been. 0:16:45.236 --> 0:16:49.836 It was a two lane highway essentially, and the eighteen 0:16:49.836 --> 0:16:52.836 wheeler was coming the other way, and for whatever reason, 0:16:53.556 --> 0:17:00.396 Ross crossed the double yellow line, and I think about what, 0:17:00.516 --> 0:17:02.316 you know, I hope she was looking down on her phone. 0:17:04.116 --> 0:17:08.276 I hope she didn't look up through the windshield. The 0:17:08.356 --> 0:17:11.756 scariest is when I picture her looking up and seeing 0:17:11.756 --> 0:17:14.876 the eighteen while they're coming at them and like gasping 0:17:17.596 --> 0:17:19.436 half the time. That's how I picture it, and that 0:17:19.516 --> 0:17:24.636 really scars me. And like I mean, she was wearing 0:17:24.636 --> 0:17:29.116 a seatbelt. Neither of them was intoxicated. It was three pm, 0:17:29.156 --> 0:17:33.596 it was sunny. There is no reason that should have happened. 0:17:35.276 --> 0:17:37.676 Out of all the people's whose bodies could be destroyed 0:17:37.676 --> 0:17:42.156 by force, it just felt like hers would be immune 0:17:42.196 --> 0:17:46.836 to that. She was too strong for it. I think 0:17:46.876 --> 0:17:54.796 about it all the time. You know what you're what 0:17:54.916 --> 0:18:00.196 you're sharing with me right now is bringing me back 0:18:00.276 --> 0:18:06.276 to the night of Dixie's memorial service, which fittingly was 0:18:06.276 --> 0:18:09.636 on a softball diamond, right which is where Dixie would 0:18:09.636 --> 0:18:13.076 have felt most at home. And the reason it's bringing 0:18:13.076 --> 0:18:16.196 me back is that you you shared you shared a 0:18:16.316 --> 0:18:21.396 very similar sentiment, and you were talking about how challenging, 0:18:21.476 --> 0:18:26.196 how jarring it was for your brain to accept Dixie's death. 0:18:27.876 --> 0:18:31.916 You know, when we experienced trauma, it can take time 0:18:31.996 --> 0:18:34.956 for our subconscious to catch up. You know, you were 0:18:34.956 --> 0:18:39.036 talking about it feeling like you had a lobotomy. It's 0:18:39.076 --> 0:18:42.876 as if our minds are fragmented. Part of you knows 0:18:42.916 --> 0:18:47.756 Dixie's gone. Another part, the one that's bound up in 0:18:47.876 --> 0:18:52.196 your memories, your emotions, your expectations, your dreams of her future, 0:18:52.676 --> 0:18:57.836 that part truly thinks Dixie's still here. I got home 0:18:57.876 --> 0:19:03.516 from college after maybe the hardest master of my life, 0:19:04.196 --> 0:19:08.076 and for weeks I was so excited to come home. 0:19:08.596 --> 0:19:12.636 I was so tired, and then I started packing and 0:19:12.756 --> 0:19:19.116 I realized I was gonna get home. I was going 0:19:19.156 --> 0:19:24.916 to pull into the driveway, opened the front door, and 0:19:25.036 --> 0:19:31.956 she wouldn't be there. And I stayed in bed after 0:19:31.996 --> 0:19:38.076 that for four hours. It still feels unreal a lot 0:19:38.116 --> 0:19:47.556 of the time. Yeah, it feels like she's such a 0:19:47.556 --> 0:19:52.356 big part of who I am. That like something about 0:19:52.396 --> 0:19:57.476 how we grew up put us in opposition, and because 0:19:57.516 --> 0:20:00.676 of that, like that is a force I to find 0:20:00.716 --> 0:20:16.836 myself against and missing that is so all consuming. You 0:20:16.916 --> 0:20:19.996 mentioned that Dixie is such a big part of who 0:20:20.036 --> 0:20:24.596 you are, and her loss feels all consuming. And I 0:20:24.716 --> 0:20:28.476 recently talked to one of the UK's leading experts on grief. 0:20:28.516 --> 0:20:31.476 Her name is Julia Samuel, and one thing she points 0:20:31.476 --> 0:20:34.356 out is that when we lose someone in our lives, 0:20:34.956 --> 0:20:38.516 it can alter our relationship with ourselves because our self 0:20:38.556 --> 0:20:42.436 identities are so entwined with that person, and so their 0:20:42.556 --> 0:20:46.756 loss ends up leaving a hole in our self structure. 0:20:48.036 --> 0:20:49.916 I'm curious about what this has been like for you. 0:20:51.476 --> 0:20:53.716 I mean, that's going to be an essential part of 0:20:53.716 --> 0:20:57.436 who I am forever. Most people who know me know 0:20:57.556 --> 0:20:59.596 that I love my family more than just about anything. 0:21:01.316 --> 0:21:05.196 And there are a few things I take pride in 0:21:07.116 --> 0:21:09.076 as much as I take pride in being an old 0:21:09.116 --> 0:21:14.836 her sister and looking out for these people who I 0:21:14.956 --> 0:21:18.156 love so much. And you know, I would have done 0:21:18.196 --> 0:21:25.836 anything to save her. And I can't believe that she 0:21:25.916 --> 0:21:29.596 won't be up my college graduation and that she's not 0:21:29.636 --> 0:21:31.316 going to yell at me when I pick out an 0:21:31.396 --> 0:21:34.596 ugly wedding dress, and you know that she's not going 0:21:34.636 --> 0:21:37.116 to be ordering people around when she's my maid of honor. 0:21:38.036 --> 0:21:39.836 But all these things that were going to happen that 0:21:39.956 --> 0:21:44.556 my kids aren't going to know her is unimaginable and 0:21:44.636 --> 0:21:46.476 it's all very selfish, right. It's all the things that 0:21:46.516 --> 0:21:48.636 I wanted to do and have her there for. But 0:21:53.036 --> 0:21:57.876 like those milestones are just there's so much about having 0:21:57.876 --> 0:22:04.316 a sister that makes a lot of moments in life 0:22:04.316 --> 0:22:10.356 more special. One thing I'm unbelievably gul for is I 0:22:10.396 --> 0:22:12.636 have the world's best younger brother, But I do not 0:22:12.716 --> 0:22:16.436 know what I do without him. If she had left 0:22:16.476 --> 0:22:23.956 me here alone, I don't know what I would have done. 0:22:25.156 --> 0:22:28.676 You know, another thing Julia says, which which I just 0:22:28.716 --> 0:22:32.316 had never thought about before, is that the hole that 0:22:32.356 --> 0:22:34.556 that kind of loss can create within you can actually 0:22:34.556 --> 0:22:39.556 affect your confidence, because it can affect your capacity and 0:22:39.596 --> 0:22:47.236 ability to be yourself. Does that resonate with you? I 0:22:47.276 --> 0:22:52.436 think I'm the kind of person who's very externally confident 0:22:53.076 --> 0:22:56.476 and always has been. How deep that goes down has 0:22:56.516 --> 0:23:00.596 always been a problem, and that it doesn't. But I 0:23:00.636 --> 0:23:08.036 think the thing that I notice is if I allow 0:23:08.116 --> 0:23:14.196 myself to take him a moment and check in. I mean, I'm, 0:23:14.236 --> 0:23:19.356 you know, in therapy constantly, but I'll have these realizations 0:23:19.476 --> 0:23:25.516 that I'm scared all the time, like I'm always just 0:23:25.636 --> 0:23:29.636 a little on edge. That I walk down the street 0:23:30.596 --> 0:23:33.436 and I pass a semi truck and I think of 0:23:33.476 --> 0:23:37.596 my sister's body being pushed up against the windshield, and 0:23:40.476 --> 0:23:44.156 that's just how I live now. That would you know 0:23:44.196 --> 0:23:47.236 a Carward Hawks, My hair stands on end, or when 0:23:47.276 --> 0:23:50.116 an ambulance passes. The first thing I think is how 0:23:50.196 --> 0:23:51.956 quickly it took an ambulance to get to Dixie. I 0:23:51.956 --> 0:23:56.796 don't know. I think most twenty two year olds are 0:23:56.916 --> 0:24:00.156 very unsure about the world. I am very unsure about 0:24:00.156 --> 0:24:01.636 the world. I don't know who I am yet or 0:24:01.636 --> 0:24:06.356 what I want to do with my life. That degree 0:24:06.356 --> 0:24:18.316 of uncertainty is tolerable and exciting. Living with just a 0:24:18.356 --> 0:24:28.636 little bit of constant terror is exhausting, and you don't 0:24:28.676 --> 0:24:30.916 It's like when you don't realize your shoulders have been 0:24:30.916 --> 0:24:33.356 tensed all day and then you finally let them down 0:24:33.356 --> 0:24:37.636 and you're like, huh, that was happening. It's like that 0:24:37.756 --> 0:24:46.996 all the time. Every day takes one hundred I think 0:24:46.996 --> 0:24:48.876 I do a really good job of passing it off, 0:24:48.956 --> 0:24:54.636 but it is very, very hard. We'll be back in 0:24:54.676 --> 0:25:09.716 a moment that the slight change of plans. Quinn Lewis 0:25:09.836 --> 0:25:12.996 tragically lost her little sister Dixie in a car accident. 0:25:13.756 --> 0:25:17.076 In our conversation, Quinn shared how Dixie's death has changed 0:25:17.116 --> 0:25:20.396 the way she interacts with people. The interesting thing that 0:25:20.476 --> 0:25:22.756 I realized when I first got to schools, I needed 0:25:22.836 --> 0:25:25.276 everyone to know I didn't need to tell them. I 0:25:25.276 --> 0:25:27.956 didn't need to ruin their day by like interrupting the 0:25:27.996 --> 0:25:32.636 conversation letting them know. But I had my friends tell 0:25:33.276 --> 0:25:36.036 everybody I came into contact with, whether it was like 0:25:36.236 --> 0:25:39.236 when I was in the bathroom or like whatever. They 0:25:39.236 --> 0:25:41.636 didn't have to bring it up. I just could not 0:25:42.836 --> 0:25:46.516 exist in a world that they didn't know that. Three 0:25:46.596 --> 0:25:49.356 quarters of my brain was it at you know the 0:25:49.356 --> 0:25:52.156 table we were getting tacos and marguerite is at. It 0:25:52.276 --> 0:25:54.716 was sitting in my sister's room next to a tiny 0:25:54.756 --> 0:25:57.556 little plastic box of ashes that we said we were 0:25:57.556 --> 0:26:00.716 going to scatter three months ago. And didn't you know 0:26:00.756 --> 0:26:04.036 you mentioned telling all of your friends to tell everyone else. 0:26:05.596 --> 0:26:07.916 It strikes me as an incredible gift you gave them, 0:26:08.236 --> 0:26:15.196 because as a society we're so ill equipped at addressing 0:26:15.276 --> 0:26:18.876 death directly. We feel anxiety that what we say will 0:26:19.076 --> 0:26:22.556 fail to strike the right tone or will insufficiently honor 0:26:22.596 --> 0:26:26.716 the loss, and death becomes the elephant in the room, 0:26:26.756 --> 0:26:33.636 and it creates this additional, unanticipated, massive burden for the 0:26:33.716 --> 0:26:39.836 berieve to navigate. Which are these distorted dynamics with friends 0:26:39.836 --> 0:26:43.596 and co workers and strangers you're meeting in the cafeteria, 0:26:43.756 --> 0:26:48.156 Like it's just painful to think about being a college 0:26:48.156 --> 0:26:54.036 student having to navigate those dynamics. I think you just 0:26:54.236 --> 0:26:57.196 you can't take anything too seriously. I think it's what 0:26:57.236 --> 0:27:01.356 I've learned about what people are going to say. I 0:27:01.396 --> 0:27:04.436 think it's nice that people try, and I think you 0:27:04.556 --> 0:27:07.596 get funny stories to share with your friends, with the 0:27:07.636 --> 0:27:15.076 people who really, uh, screw the pooch. I think I've 0:27:15.116 --> 0:27:18.236 had people tell me oh my gosh. I had someone 0:27:18.276 --> 0:27:20.636 take me aside a couple of weeks after she died, 0:27:21.156 --> 0:27:25.076 hold my hand, very sincerely, looked deeply into my eyes. 0:27:25.076 --> 0:27:26.756 This was an old woman who I had just met, 0:27:28.316 --> 0:27:30.316 and said, people are going to tell you it's going 0:27:30.316 --> 0:27:35.556 to get better. It never gets better. It's like, all right, 0:27:35.796 --> 0:27:39.676 thank you noted. You know, people react weirdly. I'm I mean, 0:27:39.716 --> 0:27:41.996 I'm lucky. I think, you know, if I were to 0:27:42.036 --> 0:27:44.716 tell people how to react to this, I love that. 0:27:45.556 --> 0:27:48.236 You know, I stole a bunch of Dixie's clothes, which 0:27:48.276 --> 0:27:49.756 I still feel like she's going to come home and 0:27:49.796 --> 0:27:53.356 like get mad at me for having But I have 0:27:53.356 --> 0:27:55.356 so many of Dixie's clothes with me at school that 0:27:55.396 --> 0:27:59.116 I'll wear sometimes. And I have a couple of friends 0:27:59.516 --> 0:28:04.556 who remember which ones are hers, and they'd be like, 0:28:04.556 --> 0:28:09.316