WEBVTT - Girls Girling: Erotica (Bonus) 0:00:02.840 --> 0:00:08.119 Wham bam, thank you Frand that's a hat right there. Also, 0:00:08.320 --> 0:00:12.640 franceled is a hot Fran sold so stupid. No one 0:00:12.720 --> 0:00:21.119 is allowed to buy that hat. What porn category or 0:00:21.200 --> 0:00:25.400 specific video erotica made you realize that you were queer? Well? 0:00:25.520 --> 0:00:28.680 I actually was reminded about this this morning because, um, 0:00:28.720 --> 0:00:32.760 I was on Twitter and Holly Berry quote tweeted something 0:00:32.800 --> 0:00:36.600 about the Flynn Stones, and I was remembering that her 0:00:37.120 --> 0:00:40.239 and Kyle McLaughlin in that movie were one of my 0:00:40.320 --> 0:00:44.600 sexual awakenings. Um, but that that feels that feels a 0:00:44.640 --> 0:00:47.879 little close to like talking about, you know, like a 0:00:47.960 --> 0:00:50.840 formative piece of media as we would in a normal episode. 0:00:50.880 --> 0:00:55.520 But I did think they were really sexy. My Internet 0:00:55.560 --> 0:00:59.480 had like parental controls on it, so I actually couldn't 0:00:59.520 --> 0:01:03.320 access porn from my home computer because it would like 0:01:03.680 --> 0:01:06.920 send a little like Larry, Larry, you can't go here whatever. 0:01:07.480 --> 0:01:10.560 But I was able to like, you know, search on 0:01:10.600 --> 0:01:14.920 YouTube like boys Kissing, which would lead me to basically 0:01:15.240 --> 0:01:18.280 clips of porn without the porn in it, like what 0:01:18.400 --> 0:01:25.240 everything that happens before after? That's my favorite part. I 0:01:25.319 --> 0:01:29.240 can't watch porn unless it has a storyline. Do you 0:01:29.240 --> 0:01:33.319 watch a lot of porn. No, no, not really. I 0:01:33.319 --> 0:01:36.560 watch a lot of Only Fans. I think that, honestly, 0:01:37.760 --> 0:01:41.720 that's something that I'm discovering about. Like what turns me 0:01:41.840 --> 0:01:45.759 on is like a live component or like an intimate 0:01:45.800 --> 0:01:49.160 component of like me feeling like I know where I 0:01:49.200 --> 0:01:53.400 am invested in, like the porn actor in some way. 0:01:53.560 --> 0:01:57.800 And Only Fans makes like performers a lot more human 0:01:57.800 --> 0:02:00.160 and a lot more accessible, and you get to see 0:02:00.200 --> 0:02:02.320 more of their every day, and so that I think 0:02:02.360 --> 0:02:05.960 brings me closer to something that is like a turn on. 0:02:06.080 --> 0:02:08.320 I don't know if that even makes sense, but like 0:02:08.919 --> 0:02:11.400 I also like I am very this is like maybe 0:02:11.600 --> 0:02:15.919 t M I, but like I love like comboys because 0:02:16.040 --> 0:02:20.040 it's like a live thing, you know, and like, so 0:02:20.320 --> 0:02:22.960 that's so interesting. Isn't that weird? But I think it. 0:02:23.120 --> 0:02:26.520 I think it makes sense for you, um like that 0:02:26.680 --> 0:02:30.639 you need some kind of personal investment to get off. 0:02:30.680 --> 0:02:34.040 I think that there's like a there's an intimacy in that, 0:02:34.160 --> 0:02:36.200 and like sometimes you know when you like send tips 0:02:36.280 --> 0:02:37.919 or whatever and they say your name or they say 0:02:37.960 --> 0:02:40.440 whatever your screen name is, and I'm like, like that 0:02:40.639 --> 0:02:42.880 is like what I like. I like that, like the 0:02:42.919 --> 0:02:47.160 intimacy do you also look for intimacy in your personal 0:02:47.200 --> 0:02:49.960 sex life, like do you need do you need like 0:02:50.080 --> 0:02:52.680 some kind of connection with the people you're hooking up with, 0:02:52.800 --> 0:02:57.160 or like can you do really casual sex? I I 0:02:57.320 --> 0:03:00.400 definitely in the last year have tried to do more 0:03:00.440 --> 0:03:03.079 like a non hookups, like people that I see once 0:03:03.200 --> 0:03:05.960 or twice and then I never see again. It's never 0:03:06.040 --> 0:03:09.519 as satisfying as when I'm you know, I've at least 0:03:09.520 --> 0:03:12.080 been chatting with that person for a little bit, you know. 0:03:12.720 --> 0:03:16.600 I think I definitely do look for I don't even 0:03:16.600 --> 0:03:19.560 know if intimacy is the right word, but it because 0:03:19.600 --> 0:03:22.760 that word can be very loaded in the romantic terrain, 0:03:23.040 --> 0:03:27.639 but it really is intimacy or maybe safety, I think. 0:03:27.680 --> 0:03:30.040 But I think you can have intimacy with someone who 0:03:30.080 --> 0:03:33.160 you only have sex with once, like you can have 0:03:33.320 --> 0:03:36.960 really intimate sex with a complete stranger. In fact, that 0:03:37.080 --> 0:03:39.960 is like my favorite kind of interaction is something that 0:03:40.040 --> 0:03:47.000 feels really intimate but actually has no commitment element to it, 0:03:47.080 --> 0:03:49.280 Like it doesn't like it could I can maybe never 0:03:49.320 --> 0:03:52.640 see this person again, but I get the intimacy still, 0:03:52.840 --> 0:03:54.520 which that's kind of why I love like for play, 0:03:54.560 --> 0:03:57.200 and I love that that kind of build up. What 0:03:57.240 --> 0:04:01.560 about you liked, I d you need intimacy to have sex, 0:04:01.680 --> 0:04:07.800 I say that kind of physics. I I certainly don't UM, 0:04:07.840 --> 0:04:12.280 and I certainly do not, and I actually kind of 0:04:12.360 --> 0:04:17.159 prefer casual encounters UM to use the language of Craigslist. 0:04:17.760 --> 0:04:23.359 And I almost have recently started to wonder if I 0:04:23.440 --> 0:04:27.400 might fall somewhere and like the demi romantic spectrum. But 0:04:27.480 --> 0:04:30.680 I also don't know if that's like more of a 0:04:30.800 --> 0:04:35.320 byproduct of circumstance rather than something that actually is like 0:04:35.920 --> 0:04:41.120 deeply true about me. But you know, like the obviously 0:04:41.360 --> 0:04:43.640 you know, I'm coming at this through the lens of 0:04:43.640 --> 0:04:47.240 of my life pre pandemic, and I feel like I 0:04:47.279 --> 0:04:50.600 can't use that excuse forever, Like my sexuality can't always 0:04:50.640 --> 0:04:53.760 have an asterisk on it, because like we are at 0:04:53.839 --> 0:04:57.520 least somewhat back to you know, quote unquote normal in 0:04:57.560 --> 0:05:01.440 the ways in which we we can have sex. But 0:05:02.560 --> 0:05:04.760 I still think about my sexuality in terms of like 0:05:04.800 --> 0:05:07.560 my old life, which was like pre pandemic, before I 0:05:07.600 --> 0:05:12.720 lived in Los Angeles, when I mostly my most fulfilling 0:05:12.760 --> 0:05:15.640 sexual encounters were like I was traveling so much, and 0:05:15.680 --> 0:05:19.720 like I loved um, you know, having a having a 0:05:20.240 --> 0:05:23.000 support in every store I'm having, you know, like like 0:05:23.279 --> 0:05:25.440 finding new lovers in every city. You know, I would, 0:05:25.560 --> 0:05:27.800 I would be traveling and I would hook up with 0:05:27.800 --> 0:05:31.400 a new person every night, and like that was so 0:05:31.680 --> 0:05:37.599 fulfilling to me, just the constant newness because I am 0:05:37.640 --> 0:05:41.000 definitely a person who it is really hard for me 0:05:41.080 --> 0:05:47.320 to be seen intimately in a in a deep way. 0:05:47.360 --> 0:05:50.360 I don't mean just like the pure like aesthetics of it. 0:05:50.480 --> 0:05:54.760 I think it does become difficult for me to let 0:05:54.800 --> 0:05:58.000 my guard down with people I'm having sex with, and 0:05:58.040 --> 0:06:01.120 I know that that can be super fulfilling. Like actually, 0:06:01.200 --> 0:06:05.960 the last lover I had, um lover, that word, not lover. 0:06:06.480 --> 0:06:09.520 The last person I've had sex with was someone who 0:06:09.560 --> 0:06:13.960 really challenged that for me, and it led to a 0:06:14.040 --> 0:06:18.720 really amazing sexual encounter, someone who kind of wouldn't let 0:06:18.760 --> 0:06:21.719 me have the wall up and engage with them in 0:06:21.720 --> 0:06:25.640 a different way. But yeah, so, so I don't know 0:06:25.680 --> 0:06:29.359 if that's just like, um, this thing that I've done 0:06:29.520 --> 0:06:33.760 to guard myself. I don't know if that actually works 0:06:33.760 --> 0:06:39.760 for me anymore. It certainly was at one point in time. Yeah, 0:06:39.880 --> 0:06:42.520 I think I think something of the same thing, but 0:06:42.600 --> 0:06:45.679 in the reverse. It's like I think that I actually 0:06:45.760 --> 0:06:50.320 required safety in my interactions with people to my detriment 0:06:50.400 --> 0:06:53.919 and actually did not have as much sex as I 0:06:53.920 --> 0:06:57.039 could have had in my early twenties because I was 0:06:57.160 --> 0:07:00.360 just too scared of being hurt, or too scared of 0:07:01.520 --> 0:07:05.080 random encounters or like seeing someone for only one night. 0:07:05.320 --> 0:07:07.520 But like you actually kind of answered a question that 0:07:07.560 --> 0:07:11.040 I was going to ask, which is like defense mechanisms 0:07:11.080 --> 0:07:14.760 come up in everyone's bedrooms, you know what I mean, 0:07:15.120 --> 0:07:18.400 And so it makes sense that, you know, the way 0:07:18.440 --> 0:07:21.400 that we sleep with people is a byproduct of like 0:07:21.480 --> 0:07:23.840 how we come up in the world. And I think that, 0:07:23.960 --> 0:07:29.480 like everyone everyone, everyone should like challenge their desires and 0:07:29.520 --> 0:07:33.720 they're like needs, they're kind of what they think their 0:07:33.800 --> 0:07:37.440 needs are in the bedroom because a lot of times 0:07:37.800 --> 0:07:40.760 we tell ourselves and I'm honestly just talking to myself 0:07:40.960 --> 0:07:43.160 at this point because I've like thought about this so much, 0:07:43.240 --> 0:07:46.960 but I feel like I tell myself a narrative about 0:07:47.000 --> 0:07:48.840 me and what I like and what I don't like, 0:07:49.280 --> 0:07:52.040 and yeah, I do too, and it's it's it's an 0:07:52.040 --> 0:07:54.240 extension of what we were talking about last week when 0:07:54.320 --> 0:07:57.760 when I talked about how you know, I like to 0:07:58.000 --> 0:08:02.800 present as more aloof than I actually am, you know, publicly, 0:08:03.720 --> 0:08:09.320 and I do definitely that definitely extends to my private 0:08:09.320 --> 0:08:13.840 life too. I am very guarded. I'm a cancer. You know, 0:08:14.040 --> 0:08:17.200 I'm an extremely like moody, emotional person. But I do 0:08:17.360 --> 0:08:22.280 have a very hard shell, um and very soft meat 0:08:22.840 --> 0:08:29.040 fighting shell. Crap, mom, yes, um I this I you know, 0:08:29.040 --> 0:08:30.800 We're in a serious part of the converst So I'm 0:08:30.800 --> 0:08:33.200 going to move us along to the stupid part, which 0:08:33.200 --> 0:08:36.600 is that, like, um something else, like in terms of 0:08:36.679 --> 0:08:39.880 the narratives that we tell ourselves about sex, I am 0:08:40.000 --> 0:08:44.000 in my top era and right now, and I never 0:08:44.040 --> 0:08:47.360 saw that for myself because I love that for you. 0:08:47.400 --> 0:08:51.920 Oh my god, what is Phoebe? Phoebe sends a hearty Phoebe. 0:08:51.960 --> 0:08:54.440 Are you also in your top era? We're all in 0:08:54.480 --> 0:08:57.440 our top eras well. I'm in my ace era. Actually, 0:08:57.600 --> 0:09:00.320 oh I love an ace era too. But like my 0:09:00.400 --> 0:09:03.040 point is, like I have kind of even though I 0:09:03.080 --> 0:09:05.480 was a top for my first relationship, which was a 0:09:05.559 --> 0:09:09.400 year and a half long relationship, I basically rescinded to 0:09:09.520 --> 0:09:12.040 like being a bottom for like a decade. Um, not 0:09:12.120 --> 0:09:14.600 exclusively a bottom like I topped here and there, but 0:09:14.679 --> 0:09:17.640 like I told myself, like, my preference is bottoming, and 0:09:17.640 --> 0:09:19.400 this is what I enjoy, and this is just what easy, 0:09:19.520 --> 0:09:22.680 what's easiest. But like, honestly, I was just picking the 0:09:22.679 --> 0:09:25.120 thing that made me the least anxious, and that's not 0:09:25.200 --> 0:09:28.360 a good enough reason to like pick a sexual preference. 0:09:28.440 --> 0:09:31.240 Like I would much rather challenge myself. So I think 0:09:31.320 --> 0:09:36.800 that's so cool, especially considering that you are also I 0:09:36.840 --> 0:09:40.839 think the most fem you have ever been. I love 0:09:41.080 --> 0:09:44.640 I love that that like is directly correlating to you 0:09:44.880 --> 0:09:47.839 entering like a more I mean maybe like dominant or 0:09:47.880 --> 0:09:51.800 aggressive like part of your sexuality. Um. I love that 0:09:51.840 --> 0:09:55.000 you're a blouse. I love that I'm a blouse. Yes, 0:09:55.480 --> 0:09:58.839 I'm actually a blouse and um, I yeah, I mean 0:09:58.840 --> 0:10:01.560 it was maybe a byproduct of like dating someone who 0:10:01.720 --> 0:10:03.920 was maybe more of a bottom. But like when I 0:10:04.000 --> 0:10:07.880 did top, I was like awoken and I was like, 0:10:07.960 --> 0:10:10.080 I had no idea that I had all of this 0:10:10.240 --> 0:10:12.880 energy and me it had been a few years since 0:10:12.920 --> 0:10:16.559 I had topped, and I was like, I love this. 0:10:17.080 --> 0:10:19.240 What have I been borrowing? What have I been borrowing 0:10:19.240 --> 0:10:22.120 myself from? You know? Um, but that I think I 0:10:22.200 --> 0:10:24.400 actually feel like I know a lot of people. I'm 0:10:24.400 --> 0:10:27.600 wondering if you know people who you know were tops 0:10:27.600 --> 0:10:30.000 there for like years and years and then one day 0:10:30.040 --> 0:10:31.880 they were like, oh my god, I'm a bottom and 0:10:31.880 --> 0:10:34.719 I had no idea, Like I I was kind of 0:10:34.800 --> 0:10:37.120 I was kind of the opposite. I was like a 0:10:37.200 --> 0:10:41.840 bottom for so long and discovered really actually I became 0:10:41.880 --> 0:10:48.520 a top post transition really, but I actually am kind 0:10:48.600 --> 0:10:53.840 of true verse. I can really go either way. Really 0:10:53.880 --> 0:10:57.280 depends on the person. I do love topping though it's 0:10:57.440 --> 0:11:00.640 so fun, and I also think it is as someone 0:11:00.679 --> 0:11:04.720 who is very verse and has had bottom eras top eras. 0:11:05.080 --> 0:11:07.520 I do think that there is a certain amount of 0:11:07.600 --> 0:11:10.400 hiding you can do as a bottom. I have definitely 0:11:10.400 --> 0:11:12.240 had times where I've been a bottom where I felt 0:11:12.240 --> 0:11:14.800 like sex was something that happened to me rather than 0:11:14.880 --> 0:11:19.400 something I was like a really active participant in um. 0:11:19.400 --> 0:11:24.000 And I do find that when I am topping, like 0:11:24.040 --> 0:11:28.800 I'm much more engaged and unless able to to be guarded, 0:11:28.840 --> 0:11:31.720 which I do think goes against what society tells us, 0:11:31.720 --> 0:11:34.560 which is that, like, you know that the top, the 0:11:34.720 --> 0:11:38.440 like aggressor insex is the more like masculine, dominant like 0:11:38.600 --> 0:11:41.319 guarded one, the one who's like bringing less of their 0:11:41.360 --> 0:11:47.319 emotions and like less vulnerability to sex. Um, why do 0:11:47.360 --> 0:11:49.360 you think that I I have found in my own 0:11:49.400 --> 0:11:52.240 experience it to be like very much the opposite. Like 0:11:52.360 --> 0:11:56.040 I really like when I am the top in a 0:11:56.160 --> 0:12:01.040 sexual scenario, I feel like I'm being much more active 0:12:01.080 --> 0:12:05.520 and like caring for the person that I'm topping, and 0:12:05.880 --> 0:12:09.560 it breaks me out of myself. That makes sense to me. 0:12:09.960 --> 0:12:12.480 I mean when when I am bottoming, I feel like 0:12:12.520 --> 0:12:14.160 I just don't want to do it. I feel like 0:12:14.280 --> 0:12:17.360 a total pillow princess, like I really just want to 0:12:17.440 --> 0:12:20.280 lay there. And so yeah, I mean, obviously these are 0:12:20.280 --> 0:12:23.880 really rudimentary like ideas of of topping and bottoming, like 0:12:23.920 --> 0:12:26.440 you can be a very dominant bottom if you want 0:12:26.480 --> 0:12:28.520 to or whatever. But that was not me. I was 0:12:28.600 --> 0:12:31.080 just like, I'm tired, and you need to make all 0:12:31.080 --> 0:12:33.400 the decisions, please, because it's not really about work, Like 0:12:33.440 --> 0:12:35.160 I'm happy to put in the work, but I don't 0:12:35.200 --> 0:12:37.480 want to make decisions. And that's kind of where I'm 0:12:37.520 --> 0:12:39.920 coming from now. It's like interesting that you brought up 0:12:39.960 --> 0:12:42.319 like me being very fem right now and like me 0:12:42.600 --> 0:12:44.679 landing at where I am with my gender. It's like 0:12:45.400 --> 0:12:48.040 I do really want to be bossed around. And I 0:12:48.640 --> 0:12:51.840 know that's like a really flat way of looking at gender, 0:12:51.880 --> 0:12:54.800 but like sometimes it is really affirming for someone to 0:12:54.880 --> 0:12:57.920 come in and like tell you what to do. Um 0:12:58.000 --> 0:13:00.840 and I I I think a out of the reasons 0:13:00.840 --> 0:13:03.640 that I attract TOPS is because you know, I'm like 0:13:03.720 --> 0:13:05.920 wearing lingerie and like a lot of in like my 0:13:06.000 --> 0:13:08.520 photos or like I just you know, have a fem 0:13:08.640 --> 0:13:11.520 vibe sometimes not all the time, but like depending on 0:13:11.559 --> 0:13:14.600 the photo, and so you know, people want me to 0:13:15.080 --> 0:13:17.840 be their momy, you know what I mean. People get 0:13:17.880 --> 0:13:21.760 really stuck on the trappings and trimmings of things, and 0:13:21.800 --> 0:13:24.520 they make a lot of expectations about what you're into 0:13:24.559 --> 0:13:27.120 based on how you show up in the world. And 0:13:28.200 --> 0:13:30.760 I mean, I don't think it's about like mascrofem man 0:13:30.880 --> 0:13:33.800 or woman gender at all. I think it's really interesting 0:13:33.800 --> 0:13:37.280 that people see you in a more feminine presentation and 0:13:37.360 --> 0:13:43.320 expect you to be less assertive or dominant sexually. And 0:13:43.840 --> 0:13:47.199 I just like that you are like finding a version 0:13:47.240 --> 0:13:49.800 of yourself that is going to show up in the 0:13:49.840 --> 0:13:53.360 world in the sissy way that you want to. And 0:13:53.440 --> 0:13:57.800 also like fuck someone, like the ship out of someone. Yeah, 0:13:57.880 --> 0:14:13.000 I think that's really cool. There is a lot of 0:14:13.240 --> 0:14:16.480 code switching that has to happen sometimes for me, Like 0:14:16.720 --> 0:14:19.240 whether I show up in the bedroom as like very 0:14:19.320 --> 0:14:23.200 dummy or like very like pillow princess is usually contingent on, honestly, 0:14:23.240 --> 0:14:25.000 the size of the person, like if I'm gonna if 0:14:25.040 --> 0:14:27.320 I'm like fucking a twink, they want me to be daddy, 0:14:27.360 --> 0:14:29.360 and it's like, okay, cool, like I'll be dead. I 0:14:29.400 --> 0:14:31.600 mean I'm never I don't really like I'll reject the 0:14:31.680 --> 0:14:35.560 term daddy, but like that's the vibe of what they want, 0:14:35.640 --> 0:14:37.880 and so if they need me to be that, like sure, 0:14:38.040 --> 0:14:41.320 like I will, I will do that. Um. But I 0:14:41.560 --> 0:14:44.960 sometimes feel like it's so weird, but like and I 0:14:44.960 --> 0:14:52.720 wish this wasn't true, but like sometimes you know, you 0:14:52.960 --> 0:14:56.160 have to code switch, and you have to like put 0:14:56.200 --> 0:14:59.640 on a specific kind of vibe for guys to be 0:14:59.720 --> 0:15:02.800 in you. And I think sometimes the most I think 0:15:02.800 --> 0:15:06.400 the reason I have, you know, been a quote unquote 0:15:06.400 --> 0:15:09.080 bottom for so long is in large part because I've 0:15:09.120 --> 0:15:12.520 been trying to present like my most feminine self and 0:15:12.600 --> 0:15:14.640 show up as that person, like show up as myself 0:15:14.640 --> 0:15:17.440 in the bedroom. Um, And so you know that's like 0:15:17.480 --> 0:15:20.680 the role they want me to play, but like in 0:15:20.680 --> 0:15:23.880 in reality it's like I I actually like, if I 0:15:23.920 --> 0:15:26.320 really want to get laid, like I do have to 0:15:26.920 --> 0:15:29.760 look like a man a lot of the times, not 0:15:29.840 --> 0:15:32.760 to everybody, because some guys are into andreas. Sometimes I 0:15:32.800 --> 0:15:35.920 think the best partner for me is someone who's into fagotry, 0:15:36.000 --> 0:15:39.280 into general nonconformity, like someone who really wants to play 0:15:39.320 --> 0:15:42.520 with me. But I mean not all of them. Yeah, 0:15:42.840 --> 0:15:45.320 I I do find that who I don't need to 0:15:45.360 --> 0:15:48.960 code switch for or like adjust my presentation or like 0:15:49.040 --> 0:15:53.200 feel worried about how I'm being viewed is for women, 0:15:53.600 --> 0:15:56.200 and like that is a part of my sexuality that 0:15:56.320 --> 0:15:59.760 I want to spend more time with. But certainly like 0:16:00.080 --> 0:16:03.160 in my sexual experiences with women, like I did not 0:16:03.280 --> 0:16:07.560 feel like I had to fulfill some kind of like 0:16:07.720 --> 0:16:13.120 expectation for them, which was really nice. Yeah, I think 0:16:13.520 --> 0:16:15.160 you're going to hate that I'm bringing this up, But 0:16:15.240 --> 0:16:19.080 like I think a lot about the Euphoria special episode 0:16:19.120 --> 0:16:22.560 with Hunter Shaffer where she's in the therapist office and 0:16:22.560 --> 0:16:25.960 I'm sure you've seen the screen grab everywhere, but she 0:16:26.040 --> 0:16:30.080 says something to the effect of I've kind of built 0:16:30.880 --> 0:16:37.320 my entire girlhood based on what men want and what 0:16:37.400 --> 0:16:42.640 men desire, and that is like so embarrassing, and that 0:16:42.840 --> 0:16:46.960 hit me so hard, Like that moment of television hit 0:16:47.000 --> 0:16:50.240 me so hard because I was like, oh my god, 0:16:51.040 --> 0:16:55.600 I really have built like my mustache or like my 0:16:55.720 --> 0:16:59.880 Jim routine, or like my wardrobe around being a track 0:17:00.080 --> 0:17:03.040 dive two men. And at the end of the day, 0:17:03.680 --> 0:17:06.960 like I want to fuck faggots, and I want to 0:17:07.000 --> 0:17:10.240 fuck people that are on the gender spectrum, you know 0:17:10.280 --> 0:17:13.280 what I mean, And and I I do think obviously 0:17:13.440 --> 0:17:15.840 a lot of times we say faggots, people think men, 0:17:16.000 --> 0:17:19.840 but like I that's not my definition of faggot. And 0:17:19.920 --> 0:17:22.879 I know there's a class of women of trans women 0:17:22.960 --> 0:17:27.320 that identify as faggots general that I know, yeah, and 0:17:27.359 --> 0:17:30.560 the general conforming people that you know count themselves among faggots. 0:17:30.560 --> 0:17:33.760 And like I'm I'm hot for general not conformity, and 0:17:33.800 --> 0:17:36.320 so that's what I want to pull in. And that 0:17:36.400 --> 0:17:38.520 was a really big shift for me in like my 0:17:38.640 --> 0:17:41.439 gender expression and like what I kind of wanted out 0:17:41.440 --> 0:17:43.680 of the world. And even though I still have to 0:17:43.760 --> 0:17:46.600 code switch, even though rather I indulge in a code 0:17:46.600 --> 0:17:50.040 switch sometimes sometimes you know, I just want it and 0:17:50.119 --> 0:17:53.240 that's it. But I think the best sex for me 0:17:53.440 --> 0:17:57.199 comes from when I can actually be myself. And I 0:17:57.240 --> 0:17:59.600 think that I think about the Hunter Shapeer thing a lot. 0:18:00.280 --> 0:18:03.199 You know, I have not seen that episode, and like 0:18:03.280 --> 0:18:05.919 we all know how I feel about euphoria, but I 0:18:06.040 --> 0:18:08.439 think coming at this from the point of view of 0:18:08.480 --> 0:18:13.080 someone who's attracted to men and women, I in the 0:18:13.080 --> 0:18:15.520 early days of my transition, like so much of the 0:18:15.560 --> 0:18:21.360 affirmation I got was from feeling sexually desired by men, 0:18:21.440 --> 0:18:25.600 specifically for the feminine way I presented um. But then 0:18:25.640 --> 0:18:29.320 as I started to get further along in my transition 0:18:29.400 --> 0:18:32.480 and presenting as a woman, the thing that was more 0:18:32.520 --> 0:18:36.080 affirming for me was women seeing me as a woman 0:18:36.119 --> 0:18:39.520 and not not always in a sexual way. And I 0:18:39.560 --> 0:18:42.600 think one of the one of the things I realized 0:18:42.800 --> 0:18:46.320 very early on is, especially when you're talking about transamorous men, 0:18:46.600 --> 0:18:49.840 is like that affirmation that you get from them is 0:18:49.880 --> 0:18:55.720 like so fleeting and fickle, but it is really powerful, 0:18:56.480 --> 0:18:59.560 and I think I'm at a point where it doesn't 0:18:59.720 --> 0:19:03.440 really matter to me as much. But again, like that 0:19:03.480 --> 0:19:06.040 could also be as I was talking about before, just 0:19:06.080 --> 0:19:09.159 like a product of circumstances and a lie that I 0:19:09.200 --> 0:19:11.680 tell myself, I don't know where I get validation from now, 0:19:11.840 --> 0:19:13.879 I don't know where I get sexual validation from. I 0:19:14.000 --> 0:19:19.920 might not get it. I don't feel very sexually embodied 0:19:20.040 --> 0:19:22.280 where I am now, which is like really weird for 0:19:22.320 --> 0:19:25.080 me because it's something that at a different point on 0:19:25.160 --> 0:19:31.080 my timeline was extremely important and like kind of central 0:19:31.160 --> 0:19:35.359 to the way I interacted with the world. Yeah, it's so, 0:19:35.560 --> 0:19:38.919 I mean, like it's funny because like we pretend to 0:19:39.000 --> 0:19:41.200 like have all the answers, and I think a lot 0:19:41.240 --> 0:19:44.520 of times, especially when all this stuff gets entangled in gender, 0:19:45.920 --> 0:19:49.000 like we tiptoe around what we actually want to say 0:19:49.160 --> 0:19:53.800 because we don't want to, you know, negate or invalidate 0:19:53.840 --> 0:19:56.399 what our gender experience has been and we don't want 0:19:56.440 --> 0:19:59.480 to be actually totally forthcoming about it. And but like obviously, 0:19:59.520 --> 0:20:02.000 I mean with this is just for me specifically, but 0:20:02.600 --> 0:20:06.320 you know, I still have a certain kind of privilege 0:20:06.480 --> 0:20:09.199 of like passing as a man to some people, or 0:20:09.240 --> 0:20:11.560 some people perceive me as a man, and so I 0:20:11.600 --> 0:20:17.320 benefit from that sometimes. But I also feel like I 0:20:17.400 --> 0:20:19.640 just can't hold onto that like too much, otherwise it's 0:20:19.640 --> 0:20:23.080 going to inform so much of like what I think 0:20:23.119 --> 0:20:26.000 I deserve. You know. It's a really it's a really 0:20:26.080 --> 0:20:30.280 slipper of Charlie. It's a really slippery slope because I 0:20:30.359 --> 0:20:34.639 have similar dark thoughts where I'm sometimes miss the sex 0:20:34.720 --> 0:20:38.639 that I used to have when I was when I 0:20:38.720 --> 0:20:42.040 was a boy, not that I was ever a boy, 0:20:42.119 --> 0:20:43.919 when I was pretending to be a boy, I don't know, 0:20:43.960 --> 0:20:46.840 maybe when you were doing boy drag when Yeah, like 0:20:47.080 --> 0:20:54.960 I sometimes really miss gay sex guard and that is 0:20:55.000 --> 0:20:59.399 a that is a really hard thing to admit to 0:20:59.560 --> 0:21:03.359 think of out because there's so much baggage that comes 0:21:03.359 --> 0:21:06.879 with it, and I almost feel like, um, you know, 0:21:06.920 --> 0:21:09.480 I'm waiting for someone to like come out and be like, see, 0:21:10.400 --> 0:21:13.560 see you were it's all fake, we were right. But 0:21:14.119 --> 0:21:16.320 I have to, you know, own up to that because 0:21:16.359 --> 0:21:19.359 it's true. It's how I spent most of my life, Like, 0:21:19.440 --> 0:21:23.240 the majority of my life up until now, I most 0:21:23.280 --> 0:21:28.679 of my sexual experience was that. Um, a much smaller 0:21:28.960 --> 0:21:33.639 portion of my sexual experience has been having sex with 0:21:33.760 --> 0:21:38.400 people who saw me as a woman. So yeah, and 0:21:38.400 --> 0:21:41.600 that's I feel like I'm hopefully like on that cusp 0:21:41.720 --> 0:21:43.520 of a moment where like I feel like I don't 0:21:43.560 --> 0:21:46.720 I shouldn't have to need sex with men that need 0:21:46.760 --> 0:21:48.760 to perceive me as a man. You know what I mean? 0:21:48.840 --> 0:21:53.160 Like I I mean as I'm like exploring like body 0:21:53.200 --> 0:21:56.600 modification and like looking at like how I dress more, 0:21:56.680 --> 0:21:59.280 and like I I feel like my gender expression is 0:21:59.320 --> 0:22:02.679 now represented my grinder profile or whatever. It's like I am. 0:22:03.119 --> 0:22:06.800 I'm reconciled to the fact that like I won't, I 0:22:06.840 --> 0:22:10.560 will be having sex with a different pool of people now. 0:22:10.840 --> 0:22:12.960 But that's the pool of people that I want to 0:22:12.960 --> 0:22:16.240 have sex with. And even if it feels more difficult 0:22:16.440 --> 0:22:21.359 to me or anyone like, it's ultimately worth it. Question mark. 0:22:22.560 --> 0:22:27.000 I mean, it's I I understand because I am passed 0:22:27.000 --> 0:22:28.479 a point in my life where I want to have 0:22:28.520 --> 0:22:31.679 sex with people who aren't queer and who won't get it, 0:22:31.720 --> 0:22:35.840 and who don't care about all of that other stuff. 0:22:36.640 --> 0:22:42.600 I'm no longer looking for validation other than sexual from sex, 0:22:43.200 --> 0:22:46.720 or or that's at least the goal. M Yeah, I 0:22:46.760 --> 0:22:50.119 think so too. I I would hope that's that's true. 0:22:50.240 --> 0:22:52.840 If I get like a gender affirmation, it would just 0:22:52.880 --> 0:22:56.920 be like a a lucky byproduct, I would hope. But 0:22:57.160 --> 0:22:59.040 I want I want someone who's not who's not going 0:22:59.080 --> 0:23:01.439 to care and like I want to have sex with 0:23:01.480 --> 0:23:03.920 someone who wants to fuck a queer body and not 0:23:04.080 --> 0:23:08.760 that's anything else period. That's exactly where I'm at. Like 0:23:08.840 --> 0:23:10.720 the guys that slide into my d m s that 0:23:10.760 --> 0:23:16.239 are like immediately get it. Yeah, that's my I'm like, 0:23:16.400 --> 0:23:18.400 there's this that trade in Orlando that I talked about 0:23:18.480 --> 0:23:20.959 the other episode. That trade is like he's like, I'm 0:23:21.000 --> 0:23:23.800 gonna get you so fucking pregnant. Like that's like his 0:23:24.000 --> 0:23:28.480 vibe and that. Like those guys, I'm like, you see 0:23:28.480 --> 0:23:33.280 me girl, Like okay, let's do this. Like, oh, I 0:23:33.280 --> 0:23:37.439 would love to get you pregnant, friend, No, I I 0:23:37.480 --> 0:23:39.840 actually think I would like to see you get pregnant, 0:23:39.920 --> 0:23:41.920 Like I feel like you should do like a pregnancy 0:23:41.920 --> 0:23:46.359 photo shoot. Like James Charles. Why are you just bringing 0:23:46.400 --> 0:23:49.320 with James Charles? You know you are the one who's upset. 0:23:49.440 --> 0:23:52.560 You brought it up every time you brought it up. 0:23:52.680 --> 0:23:56.080