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Speaker 1: Hello, guys, and welcome to couch Talks with Cat. This

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Speaker 1: is the episode of You Need Therapy where I answer

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Speaker 1: your questions that you guys send in, and you guys

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Speaker 1: can send in questions yourself to Catherine at you Need

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Speaker 1: Therapy podcast dot com and hopefully I'll be able to

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Speaker 1: answer them one day on the show. So we put

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Speaker 1: out a full episode every Monday that goes through different

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Speaker 1: kinds of topics. This week we had one on family systems.

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Speaker 1: Last week we had one on befriending your inner critic,

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Speaker 1: and then on Wednesday's we do a shorter version with

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Speaker 1: sometimes just me and sometimes with a friend or I

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Speaker 1: answer your questions. And this week, you guys are very

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Speaker 1: lucky because I have a friend. Hi. I have my

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Speaker 1: friend Kellen on what She's been on the podcast many times,

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Speaker 1: and she's going to ask some of these questions and

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Speaker 1: then she's also going to give some of her feedback

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Speaker 1: because there are questions that she has some insight on

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Speaker 1: as well, not so professional insight, but professional human. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: you're a professional human. I am sometimes all the time.

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Speaker 1: We all are, okay, so we are going to go

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Speaker 1: ahead and get into that. And Kellen, do you want

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Speaker 1: to give us the first question. Let's do it. First question.

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Speaker 1: I am on my third round of trying therapy. I

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Speaker 1: know that it can be useful. I just don't know

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Speaker 1: how to convince myself to stay in it. How do

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Speaker 1: I know that my problems are big enough to go

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Speaker 1: to therapy? And how do I stick with it so good?

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Speaker 1: I totally can relate to that well. And this question,

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Speaker 1: I've gotten a lot in different wordings, but the same essence, right,

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Speaker 1: So can you talk about your experience? You know? I mean,

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Speaker 1: I know you're okay admitting that you are in therapy? Absolutely?

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Speaker 1: Are you okay if we say that you're in therapy? Yes? Okay, yes? Yeah.

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Speaker 1: I mean even when I the first time I really

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Speaker 1: went to therapy, I didn't really know why I was going.

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Speaker 1: I think for me, I was like, oh, I just

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Speaker 1: want to be the best version of myself. And then

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Speaker 1: there were definitely weeks to be like what do you

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Speaker 1: want to scare edule the next session? I'm like, I

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Speaker 1: think I'm okay. And especially you think about the financial

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Speaker 1: just it's a commitment, it really isn't it. But I

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Speaker 1: like to flip it and say it's an investment in yourself.

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Speaker 1: Great way to say thank you, And it depends on

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Speaker 1: why you're having the issue of staying with it. For me,

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Speaker 1: sometimes it was too hard because it was bringing up

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Speaker 1: a lot of stuff that maybe I didn't feel ready

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Speaker 1: for or maybe I just didn't want to walk through

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Speaker 1: at that time, and my life was actually going okay.

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Speaker 1: So I was like, maybe it's really not affecting me

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Speaker 1: that much. But it's every time I have had a

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Speaker 1: therapy session, I always learned something. And so whenever I'm

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Speaker 1: like in that world of like I think I'm okay,

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Speaker 1: like I think I'm just gonna like step away from

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Speaker 1: it from a bit, I'm like, you know, like I

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Speaker 1: if I want to continue growing and continue to figure

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Speaker 1: everything out about myself, I need to stick with it. Yes.

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Speaker 1: So you know, I was listening to something this morning

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Speaker 1: and somebody spoke and said, if you're not growing, you're dying.

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Speaker 1: I know which is, but she meant like it's true.

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Speaker 1: She was like, scientifically, if you're not growing, you're decomposing

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Speaker 1: and you're dying. And so we always should be striving

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Speaker 1: to grow and grow should be something that we encourage

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Speaker 1: and that we never want to be like, oh, I'm finished.

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Speaker 1: That being said, you don't have to be in therapy

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Speaker 1: for your whole life. But what I hear in a

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Speaker 1: lot of the questions that I get in regards to

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Speaker 1: going to therapy and sticking with it is this comparative

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Speaker 1: suffering idea that, Okay, well, how do I know that

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Speaker 1: my problems are valid enough to walk into a room

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Speaker 1: with a professional sitting there and listening to my story?

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Speaker 1: Are they going to think that I'm being weak or

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Speaker 1: needy or dramatic? Dramatic so often comes up. And what

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Speaker 1: I know to be true about our pain is that

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Speaker 1: the worst pain you're ever going to experience is the

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Speaker 1: pain that you feel like the worst pain in the

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Speaker 1: world is your pain because you're feeling that. We don't

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Speaker 1: feel other people's pain exactly. And so your stuff is

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Speaker 1: going to be the hardest stuff for you to walk

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Speaker 1: through because you're walking through it and you don't have

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Speaker 1: to actually have anything wrong with you. I say this

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Speaker 1: all the time. You do not have to have anything

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Speaker 1: wrong with you to go to therapy. It's not always

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Speaker 1: about fixing something. Sometimes it's just about bettering something or

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Speaker 1: learning something. Growing. There doesn't have to be something wrong

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Speaker 1: with you in order for you to grow. So I

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Speaker 1: think the whole idea of how do I know my

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Speaker 1: problems are valid enough or how do I know that

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Speaker 1: my stuff is worthy enough to go to therapy? Forore,

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Speaker 1: that's not a question. It's like do I want to

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Speaker 1: go to therapy or not? That's the question, And sticking

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Speaker 1: with it is a whole another thing, because one thing

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Speaker 1: specifically happens over and over and over and over is

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Speaker 1: people will come to therapy and they have paperwork that

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Speaker 1: they fill out before and one of the questions is

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Speaker 1: do I have trauma. Percent of the time people are

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Speaker 1: like no, which is fine. Then they come in and

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Speaker 1: they have their first session, and before we get into

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Speaker 1: their stuff, I always go through like protocols and just

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Speaker 1: give some background and asked them if they've been to

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Speaker 1: therapy before, and a lot of times they'll say no.

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Speaker 1: And then I'm like, okay, well, let me tell you

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Speaker 1: a little bit about the process. And I don't want

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Speaker 1: to freak you out, but this is going to get

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Speaker 1: worse before it gets better. And they're like, I thought

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Speaker 1: this is just supposed to get better and where's the

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Speaker 1: door now? Yeah, And so I say that because a

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Speaker 1: lot of times what we do in therapy is we

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Speaker 1: uncover things that we thought were normal, and then we're like,

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Speaker 1: oh my gosh, this is it normal. Oh I have

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Speaker 1: to heal for something, or we uncover emotions that we

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Speaker 1: didn't know we had. Were essentially opening up a jar

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Speaker 1: that you have tried to like vacuum seal shut, and

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Speaker 1: we are going to have to deal and rustle and

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Speaker 1: move through all that stuff before we can get to

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Speaker 1: the other side. The only way over all of this

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Speaker 1: stuff is going right through it. And so people will

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Speaker 1: leave as soon as the jar opens up a second. No, no, no.

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Speaker 1: I came in here so you could fix me and

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Speaker 1: we could make this stuff better, and I could do this,

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Speaker 1: and I could just and now things are really bad,

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Speaker 1: and they just leave. And sometimes they'll come into the

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Speaker 1: session and talk about it, but a lot of times

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Speaker 1: they'll just like not every they'll just ghost me. So

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Speaker 1: this is the story that I usually tell two clients

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Speaker 1: in the first session, is I had this one client

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Speaker 1: who was referred by his wife. He wasn't referred to

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Speaker 1: me by his wife. He was preferred to therapy by

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Speaker 1: his wife. And it's this like tough looking guy and

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Speaker 1: never been to therapy, had a lot of trauma, and

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Speaker 1: we started going through his stuff and one day he

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Speaker 1: came into my office and he sat down and I

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Speaker 1: was like, how are you? I always do and he

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Speaker 1: was like, I'm good, and I was like, oh, it

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Speaker 1: seems like you're not. Like you just said it in

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Speaker 1: a way that I was like what are you? Are

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Speaker 1: you and he was like, I mean no, And I

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Speaker 1: was like, so why did you say that? And he

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Speaker 1: was like, well, you know, in the first session, you

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Speaker 1: told me that things were going to get worse before

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Speaker 1: they got better. And you know, I've been learning a

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Speaker 1: lot of stuff and I've been changing a lot of

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Speaker 1: things about how I operate and it's not been easy,

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Speaker 1: and it's affecting everybody around me because now they have

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Speaker 1: to change how they operate and things are getting a

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Speaker 1: little bit tough. So things are getting worse before they're

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Speaker 1: getting better. And you said this was going to happen,

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Speaker 1: so that means that this is working and so I'm

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Speaker 1: good And I was like, okay, great, And so that

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Speaker 1: is just an example, like we just have to know that,

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Speaker 1: like not every day that we go to therapy is

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Speaker 1: going to be like, oh my god, my mind is

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Speaker 1: blown up. Everything in my world is changing. Sometimes it's like, oh,

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Speaker 1: I have to do that now in order to get

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Speaker 1: to where I want to go. And sometimes it's just like, oh,

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Speaker 1: that was a nice conversation, Like it's not. Everything doesn't

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Speaker 1: have to be this deep, dark dive into all of

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Speaker 1: our stuff. Sometimes sessions are all about celebrating, and so

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Speaker 1: you deserve to be celebrated too. So all on that

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Speaker 1: to say, I want you guys to know that you

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Speaker 1: don't have to have any level of stuff or trauma

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Speaker 1: to go to therapy, and the way to stick with

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Speaker 1: it is just knowing, do I want to continue to grow?

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Speaker 1: Is this valuable to me? Am I getting something out

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Speaker 1: of this and removing that idea that I have to

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Speaker 1: compare myself to what other people are going through? Yeah? Absolutely,

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Speaker 1: And like I think also just being willing to lean

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Speaker 1: into the work. Yeah, you get out of therapy what

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Speaker 1: you put in it. So I mean, I think a

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Speaker 1: lot of times people are like, oh, this therapist looks awesome,

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Speaker 1: She's going to change my life. I can't change your

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Speaker 1: life at all, And I definitely can't change your life.

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Speaker 1: If you want me to change your life, you have

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Speaker 1: to want to change your own life. So you go

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Speaker 1: into the therapy open minded, and willing to do hard

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Speaker 1: things you'll get at some point something from it. And

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Speaker 1: I think, I think for me to just touch on

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Speaker 1: something something that can be frustrating for me. Sometimes in

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Speaker 1: the therapy offices, I want them to do the work

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Speaker 1: for me. I want them to give me the answers.

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Speaker 1: And so there's just lots of questions and I'm like, what, No,

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Speaker 1: I don't want to answer the question. I'm here, You're

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Speaker 1: the expert here. And it's like, oh, no, you're not

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Speaker 1: the expert of my life. I should be the expert

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Speaker 1: of my life. So so often people are like, what

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Speaker 1: should I do? And what do you think? I say back,

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Speaker 1: what do you think you should do? Or what are

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Speaker 1: your options through? Like I want you to tell me.

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Speaker 1: I'm like, I don't want the credit for you doing that, Like,

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Speaker 1: I don't want the credit for that, whether it's good

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Speaker 1: or bad. Second question, I'm thirty four and single and

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Speaker 1: a global pandemic. I feel like I've lost my chance

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Speaker 1: at love. Any advice. You said something really interesting and

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Speaker 1: helpful right before we started. I want to share that. Sure. Um.

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Speaker 1: I was actually out to coffee with a friend yesterday

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Speaker 1: and we were talking about our dating woes. And then

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Speaker 1: on top of that, like how to meet people in

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Speaker 1: a global pandemic and all of those fun questions, and

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Speaker 1: she said something that her therapist tells her is that

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Speaker 1: statistically speaking, you will get married, like most people get married.

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Speaker 1: And she was like, and I so I just hold

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Speaker 1: on to that hope that statistically speaking, there's someone out

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Speaker 1: there for me. Yeah, and I like that the odds

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Speaker 1: are that you will, and so can we trust in

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Speaker 1: that sometimes? I feel like it can sometimes, but it

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Speaker 1: might not be when you want it totally. That's the

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Speaker 1: kicker of like, you very well might get married, it

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Speaker 1: just might not be when you want it to be.

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Speaker 1: And that is hard. That is so hard, and I'm

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Speaker 1: in it with you and the people that wrote this question,

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Speaker 1: like I'm not married and I thought I was going

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Speaker 1: to be married when I was twenty three. Welcome to

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Speaker 1: the South, And yeah, it's tough. Now here's the deal.

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Speaker 1: Dating has changed dramatically, dramatically, and there are pros and

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Speaker 1: there's can to it. The truth is people are less

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Speaker 1: likely to meet you organically just because of dating apps

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Speaker 1: and all of that world, and because of the pandemic, right,

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Speaker 1: it's just gotten even more people are typical one you're

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Speaker 1: not making not smiling or like when you make eye

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Speaker 1: talk contact with people. It's really weird now because it's

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Speaker 1: like a mask and it's like, what's your faith doing

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Speaker 1: and I'm not sure. It's so like you're not and

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Speaker 1: it's hard to hear people. So you're less likely to

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Speaker 1: meet people organically now because of that, But also that

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Speaker 1: was already an issue because people don't have to be

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Speaker 1: as vulnerable as they were, and because of dating apps,

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Speaker 1: it makes it look and seem like they're more options

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Speaker 1: out there because you can just go on your phone

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Speaker 1: and swipe through hundreds of people in one night. Now

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Speaker 1: the upside is you can get on your phone and

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Speaker 1: swipe through hundreds of people on one night. And I

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Speaker 1: will say dating apps have opened up interracial dating. I

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Speaker 1: think that the stat two years ago that I saw

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Speaker 1: was like twice as likely, and that is a good thing.

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Speaker 1: But I see that inter racial dating has doubled. But

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Speaker 1: what that is saying is that people that aren't as

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Speaker 1: likely to meet in the same social situations are meeting online.

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Speaker 1: So they would never meet because of I don't know,

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Speaker 1: they live in different areas or they have different friends this,

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Speaker 1: but they're meeting on this app, which I think is

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Speaker 1: really cool is and a lot of us dating apps.

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Speaker 1: I was just about to say that my what came

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Speaker 1: to my mind was like but at the same time,

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Speaker 1: like you have to trust the process again, trust the

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Speaker 1: process of what a dating app is. And some people

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Speaker 1: can go on one day and meet somebody and marry them,

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Speaker 1: and some people, like myself, I've been on many and

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Speaker 1: it hasn't worked out. So what I have tried to

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Speaker 1: do is not make things so serious. And we have

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Speaker 1: done that. I don't know if I've talked about this

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Speaker 1: on that podcast or not, but we've done that with

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Speaker 1: we like to call the Shitty Day Jar in our house,

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Speaker 1: and I started that with my roommate after I had

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Speaker 1: been on a slew of really bad dates, like really

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Speaker 1: bad guys, yeah, really bad. Like I'm like, wait, wow,

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Speaker 1: it's just it's not just like oh, we couldn't carry

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Speaker 1: on a conversation, it's like crazy stuff. You're like what yeah.

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Speaker 1: And it was after I was getting back into dating

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Speaker 1: after a really bad breakup. So I'd like cry all

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Speaker 1: the time, a lot of crying, and I don't cry

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Speaker 1: very much, and so I was like, this is ridiculous.

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Speaker 1: This has to be a joke. God is playing a

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Speaker 1: joke on me. That's that fund some humor in it.

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Speaker 1: So I stopped taking it so seriously. So I made

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Speaker 1: the shitty date jar. So now it's like kind of funny.

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Speaker 1: When I come in from a date, it's like, was

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Speaker 1: it bad if we put it in the jar? And

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Speaker 1: so that's one thing I would encourage us to not

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Speaker 1: take everything so seriously, because I think with the dating

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Speaker 1: naps and just going on dates in general and meeting people,

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Speaker 1: it's like, oh, this is my chance. This is like

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Speaker 1: I gotta make sure that I'm perfect and I look perfect,

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Speaker 1: I sound perfect, I say the right thing when really

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Speaker 1: you don't because the person that is for you isn't

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Speaker 1: going to want all of that anyway. And the other

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Speaker 1: side of that is I think part of this just

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Speaker 1: like acknowledging that it sucks. Yeah, anyone that's really trying

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Speaker 1: to date right now, Like I think everyone is very

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Speaker 1: much aware that, like the timer in, it sucks. It's

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Speaker 1: really hard to meet people and a lot of people

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Speaker 1: aren't probably willing to go on dates right now because

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Speaker 1: of the pandemic. Like everyone's level with dealing with this

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Speaker 1: is very different. And on top of that, I would

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Speaker 1: say that everyone's stress level and anxiety is a little

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Speaker 1: different right now, and that's just over your entire life.

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Speaker 1: So even trying to enter into a new relationship and

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Speaker 1: trying to get to know someone's probably just a little

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Speaker 1: more difficult. So I think it is just like having

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Speaker 1: this open handedness about it of like we're all here,

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Speaker 1: we're all trying this for the first time. Let's just

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Speaker 1: see how this goes. You're allowed to be sad. I mean,

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Speaker 1: I'm sad. Oh yeah, I'm sad. You're allowed to be

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Speaker 1: sad and also enjoy parts of single life, so it's

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Speaker 1: not all bad. Again. We always like to invite the

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Speaker 1: both end. And one of my clients sent me something

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Speaker 1: the other day that was like a meme and it

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Speaker 1: was like all therapists Semichael, and couldn't it be both?

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Speaker 1: And like this is what I'm saying now, is like, yeah,

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Speaker 1: this can suck, and you can also enjoy parts of

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Speaker 1: being single, and you can do being single well in

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Speaker 1: the sense of we have tons of fun. Yes we do.

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Speaker 1: Like I would say, like during this time, especially like

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Speaker 1: try new things for yourself, like go out and make

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Speaker 1: yourself more well rounded in some capacity to try to

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Speaker 1: become the person that like you would be attracted to.

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Speaker 1: Are you attracted date yourself? Date yourself? Like? Are you

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Speaker 1: attracted to a guy who reads a lot or a

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Speaker 1: girl who reads a lot? Like when's the last time

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Speaker 1: you read a book? Maybe you should do something about that,

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Speaker 1: Maybe you should learn a new skill, like just I

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Speaker 1: always try to think of that. It's like what am

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Speaker 1: I attracted to? And what do I want to reflect

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Speaker 1: and bring to the table in a relationship and how

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Speaker 1: can I make that happen now? And I do believe

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Speaker 1: that there is an essence of we're going to attract

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Speaker 1: what we believe we can get. And if we believe

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Speaker 1: that we have lost our chance at finding somebody, we

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Speaker 1: probably won't find somebody. And if we believe that we

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Speaker 1: have still a shot at somebody, we might we might not,

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Speaker 1: but at least we have a chance at it. And

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Speaker 1: so I think we need to do a whole another episode.

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Speaker 1: We did want with another episode on singleness, because so

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Speaker 1: many people are struggling with that right now, especially in

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Speaker 1: a pandemic, and people of all ages. You don't have

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Speaker 1: to be over thirty to be sad about being single.

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Speaker 1: You can be was gonna say twelve, but you are

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Speaker 1: I think that we need to talk. But you can

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Speaker 1: be six, five, you can be in your twenties, like,

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Speaker 1: you don't have to be a certain age. Like. There

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Speaker 1: are parts of being single that I just always are

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Speaker 1: going to suck, and there are parts of it that

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Speaker 1: are really great. And so in the pandemic when we

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Speaker 1: can't do much about it, we take what we can

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Speaker 1: get around the dating apps and what's available to be

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Speaker 1: dating and what people are comfortable with. We are grateful

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Speaker 1: for what we have outside of that, and we acknowledge

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Speaker 1: that it sucks. Yeah, okay, guys, thank you so much

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Speaker 1: for tuning into couch Talks callent. Thank you for having

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Speaker 1: this comba with me. Absolutely, it's always better with a friend.

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Speaker 1: Everything is better with a friend, well not everything. Sometimes

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Speaker 1: I like you by myself. Yeah, okay, guys, thank you.

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Speaker 1: I'll see you Monday,